Don't Blame Me! - S3E26: Guest: Aislinn Paul - Religion and Therapy

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

Aislinn Paul is here again and this time for our Season 3 Finale! We share our advice on when is the best time to leave your job, how to tell your sister she’s dating the wrong guy, snooping and catching your friends talking shit about you, and how to assert yourself in a relationship. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her advice on being raised by a single mother. References Reconciling Religion and Therapy https://www.talkspace.com/blog/reconciling-religion-and-therapy-why-you-can-talk-to-god-and-a-therapist/ Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks @aislinnpaul www.instagram.com/aislinnpaul @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Poshmark, Cove, and The RealReal Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Get tickets now. hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today we have everybody's favorite guest our favorite guest the guest that i am so confident would be on the podcast i definitely forgot to ask her for two weeks a slim paw my gosh it's so validating every time i come here and you guys are like everyone's favorite guest and i'm like do go on well we've been over this where someone has been asking which i know you're watching has been asking if you can host the podcast and like i was like and you responded to the comment like well no he's having someone's a guest no no i just mean like replace megan and have her host instead

yeah i'm like i'm sure our sponsors would be like what is happening here you do all the ad reads everything i don't know how i'd pay you yeah and it would also be like almost the exact same thing except for just with that yeah it would be the difference yeah no it would pretty much be the same also if i was megan and then megan wasn't here the dynamic would be totally off i'm way less funny when it's not around would i not be your guest like i would just have you as the guy you would just say hey everybody welcome back to the podcast you have to memorize the phone number oh yeah i have not done that and i it took me a long time um but yeah i'm excited you're here this is gonna be this is gonna be so great and good and easy moth asked me this morning he was

like um who's on and i was like ace let me say oh and then like he was like he's like who like who are you meeting today and i was like hashtag no new friends yeah and now you've um you had a tie with leo as the most and we didn't tell you yeah but you were in competition but then we got you back on real quick so you kept your title yeah okay good if leo stole that title from me i would no no no it would be a battle it was tied but it was you were yeah we didn't want you to i knew you would want it well by the time this comes out it'll be like a month and a half after but wow as far as like recording it's only a couple weeks yeah he was pretty excited which i think it's i think it's valid that you guys would be my most yeah like my number one guests you know

the male version of me the better version of me whoa you're the better version no no no way nicer no way nicer uh-huh i know i didn't drink enough milk as a kid to be the better version of you i need to be way taller i neither did i though i drank a ton of milk and i i mean we're the same height i know it was such a lie they told us such lies as kids it was a scam it was a scam and it was a scam by the dairy industry yeah i know i remember even when i was in kindergarten this is such a random story but when i was in kindergarten i hated milk from like my youth and they would only feed us cheese and crackers and milk and i was like don't want it but they obviously are gonna force a four-year-old to eat food they're not gonna care what you care about so that was

the first lie i ever told was that i told them that i was lactose intolerant and then they gave me water like yeah which is so much or like the idea that i never said it's like milk or juice and it was like so either if you are lactose intolerant you're gonna be like a seven-year-old with diarrhea or you're just gonna spike your blood sugar and then you're gonna crash right um okay guys well welcome to the podcast i've already welcomed you but consider this your second welcome um this is an advice podcast if you're new here welcome all aboard auga choo-choo uh wait what was not not to uh oh i used to do this in high school my friends said like not to toot my own horn but auga it's not toot toot no auga is just a little more like forceful i see

also i think there's a cartoon where that was like yeah well that foghorn on something yeah but that's when the the eyes pop out so oh yeah yeah yeah that's when the eyes pop out and it's uh no who is it um popeye like when he sees all of them no it is the howling wolf wow we've just we've completely aged ourselves everybody's like i'm sorry i don't know what that is the fairly odd parents is a vintage show i love fairly yeah odd parents okay can i get a copy we can probably i still get copyrighted um okay guys well anyway uh this is a call-in podcast so even though it's very not clear at this point that it's a call-in there will be calls there will be calls i fucking promise it's coming but before that i have to tell you the number um the number is 310-694-0976

and there you guys can just leave us voicemails and ask us uh questions and we'll get you some advice and then our international callers like canadians a a a shout out to acelyn she's canadian um uh you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com so yeah it's gonna be a good time shall we get it started hot let's get it started in here i am 24 years old and i calling because I need some professional advice. I am currently working at a job. I've been working here for three years now. I absolutely love it. I love working with animals and this job is mainly focused on working with animals and education and I really love that but it's not exactly in the field that I want my career to go in and it is also I'm living in my hometown

and I really hate my hometown and I'm really looking to move out west and there's a lot more opportunities with the career that I want out west so my dream is to move out there and so I my husband are planning to move out there in about six to nine months that is our plan right now the only problem is is that the job that I work at right now is really small The only other full-time position that works there is my boss, who I get along with super well. But she definitely needs me to keep the business up and running. And I love her and I love working with her, but this is just not what I want. And I am really just ready for a change.

And so I just need some advice on how I am going to be able to quit this job in a way that, you know, I don't want to give her too much notice because, you know, if it doesn't work out, if I need to stay for another year or so, I don't want to end up jobless while we're still in my hometown. so um i just want to know like when the appropriate time to bring that up when i should you know let her know that i should i wait to let her know until i get another job out with i want to give her as much as possible because i don't want her like drowning in the amount of work that she has to do but i also don't want to lose my job uh too quickly so um if you have any advice that would be awesome thank you so much bye this is both tough and also not because in many ways your mind is made up and you know what you want so it's not even about grappling with how like what you're gonna do next you you have this plan and you know what you want it's just about you not

wanting to put your boss in a bad spot and also hopefully not have any issues for yourself down the line I think I think what you were saying about maybe looking into other workout west and having that plan a bit more finalized before you bring up notice is a good idea I also am not clear on how much training and speciality you have to have in this area for the job that you currently have. But depending on that, if it's going to be really hard for your boss to find someone to replace you, more notice is nice. But if it's the kind of thing where somebody who is either in college or university or something could then take on that job and they don't really need prior experience in the area or something, I don't think you need to worry as much.

and I get you know you really care about your boss and that's awesome it clearly she's made a really good work environment for you um and but I think don't worry too much about uh what positions she's going to be in because you have to think about your life first yeah no I fully agree with that I think my exact thoughts were um you should have your other job totally set up because as much as like you really respect your boss and I'm sure your boss respects you like you are right in the sense that like you're not putting her in a bad spot like it's kind of an inevitable spot that she's going to be put in eventually like i think anyone who doesn't like anyone who works but like when you have when you're an employer and people work below you like you have to know at a certain

point like those people aren't going to be around forever um but uh yeah you don't want to put yourself in a position where if the other jobs don't necessarily pan out in the time that you want them to that you're in like a hostile work environment or there's like resentment and stuff like that so i would say just in general i am a big believer in like setting up those like safety nets and like having something that you're going to be going towards and especially because the other jobs that you want to apply for and where it involves you moving so there has to be a level of like a specific amount of time in general like it's not that you're going to like get a job and start immediately and start the next day like it's going to require a move so you're a future

employer like that's going to be a conversation so I think when you talk to employers in telling them like yes this would I am located here but like I am interested in a position that would involve me moving like I would just need like what however much notice there is and then I would also figure out exactly what the notice is legally that you need to give your boss in your field which would be two weeks usually for most usually but there's really no legal like you can leave whenever you want it's just a yeah a nice nice thing a nice thing to do um and i would also say i think like if it requires at least like i know from like my boyfriend changing jobs it's a lot of like even when he like left a job and got into a new job it was

a like there's that transition phase where if you have to train somebody and if you're able to like once you have your other job set up and you're able to then um do outreach and like help your boss find your replacement and so that i think like for a peace of mind could help you feel um when you're obviously still working at that place like help you feel a little bit less like you're abandoning her in a bad spot is that you have like all of the training that you have had you can then like impart that knowledge on to or at least like start to impart that knowledge onto whoever's going to take over your position um and it's also not your responsibility to be like so worried about her but i think you like like you said like i think you've got such

a great mindset because you're not grappling with it like your mind is already made up and like the decision is made up so i just think like best way to go about it is secure another job and as soon as you secure that other job and not like a oh like a soft offer like anything like that like as soon as it's secured you have like put your notice in to move from your apartment or wherever you're moving and you have signed a lease at the new place that you're going to move your car is like you're getting ready and like you're starting to there are like actual real solid plans that's when i think that you should tell her because i agree you shouldn't give her so much notice that like if something falls through but not like hey by the way i'm leaving tomorrow on a jet plane

or in a car yeah and also um was there someone in your position before you started did she train you because if she trained you then it should just be the same for when the next person comes in she should just train the next person and even if not it's there's only so much you can do i think what we're saying of like having giving a fair amount of notice offering to help find a new applicant train them uh if possible all those things when you put all those things on the table and you offer them and you're like very gracious and you say thank you for the opportunity to work here and all that if she turns around and then makes that uh and gets mad at you for leaving there was nothing you were going to ever be able to do like no matter how much notice you gave like

she was going to get upset so and that's not your responsibility because it's her business and it's not yours and um so as long as you have your plan ready to go then i think yeah try not to worry too much about it and but if you did like sign a contract that said that you would give more notice than you do need to take that yeah yeah that's the only way read your contracts people read the fine brought the eyes cross the t terms and conditions apply hi megan i am 24 years old and i'm calling about my little sister who is 17 and has been blindly in love for two years with the same wrong guy so keep in mind that i know that you're an only child chocolate all the time let's not get but i i talk to my little sister like she's my best friend so we have a

very open and honest relationship um backtracking my sister's been dating the same guy since she was 15 and he was 17 which makes her 17 and him 19 now so they're still babies understand that babies um so when they started dating my parents didn't have the best opinion of him and they still don't they think that he's kind of a punk kid who doesn't really have any goals and the southern saying is he thinks his doesn't think and i don't think that he's pretentious i just think that he thinks very highly of what he knows he can do but i'm getting ahead of myself now my sisters assured me for two years now that my parents are wrong they have the wrong opinion of him and i've met him enough times to go oh okay i think he's just a kid and my parents just don't

like teenagers i'm guessing um but that was again in the beginning when they we were actually living in the town where they met we are all now living two hours away from that town so they're doing long distance but they've been dating for two years and they've been doing about six months long distance and i do not see this working out well for her he decided he didn't want to go to college which is fine but he's just comfortable living in that same little town that's two hours away from where we are now and he's going to stay there and work the same part-time job the rest of good life. And sometimes that works for people, but I really don't think that's going to work for my sister. Uh, she's super goal oriented, like wants to save the planet. And I love that

about her. And she insists that no matter what, she'll never give up on her dreams for him. But she's also telling me things like, Oh, when I graduate, he's going to come out and he's going to live in this town while I go to college, he's going to get a big job. And I'm like, I, I can only tell her sweetheart. I don't think that's going to work out so many times before she starts just lying to me or not telling me things, which is what I'm afraid will happen. So what can I do to give her the best advice I can and keep her from being blindsided if the relationship doesn't work out?

What can I do with that? Because I don't want her to not trust me and not talk to me because I don't like the kid. But I also don't want her to end up getting hurt because I just kept my opinion to myself. anyway thanks a lot I mean first things first I don't think you've kept your opinions to yourself

sounds like she's got an idea that the family's not crazy about him I also I here's the thing your sister sounds like minus this dude she sounds like an awesome kid she sounds like she's got like plans for her future she's got

like ideas of what she wants to do she wants to go to college she's got all these things that she is planning and will not change for his sake and that's the only time that i think you need to worry is if suddenly she was like yeah i'm not going to go to college i'm going to move back to that town we're going to get married and have babies like if that's not that there's anything wrong with that but if it suddenly is changing what she thinks of for her future in order to accommodate him and make him feel more masculine and though he's like the head of the household and though she has to

dim herself and her like future plans in order to keep him happy that's when I think you have to say something but right now he seems like as a partner for her it seems to be willing to let her move away and go do these things and have these goals and if she's still pursuing those things I think you know she's got a good head on her shoulders and I think just concentrate your advice on her future and what she wants to do sure she'll bring up the boyfriend and be like oh yeah and then he'll come visit on the weekends when I'm a freshman and you can just nod your head and say yeah sure like I'm sure he will and whatever happens happens there's nothing you're gonna be able to do to stop her from getting hurt because they're already two years deep into

this relationship it will be her first heartbreak that's just unless you know they he magically steps up and becomes a great guy and then they they get married I don't know like we don't we can't really tell but most likely based on stats like they will break up and whether she's the one who decides to end it or he does it'll still hurt and she'll still be hurt and i think you're a lovely sister for like caring that much and wanting to stop her from getting hurt and by any means necessary but that's just it's not going to happen she will get hurt that's inevitable yeah and i think also think highly enough of your sister that she's not going to that she's not going to like let this guy be the one who like brings her down or changes her dreams or things compromise

her life yeah because the way that you talk about her and how great she is if she's that great and she's that smart smart like guys don't have like magic dicks like they don't completely like oh my god like you like sure smart girls can be and like i i consider myself a somewhat smart person on in certain fields um but i've been with plenty of dumb guys and like i've and it's something that like is it unavoidable also sometimes it's like not that it's like sometimes it's like a conscious decision sometimes it's like there's something that you want to be with someone and you like them even though like on paper or what you see for your what other people see for your future like you're never going to see what she sees in him and also like the way you keep referring to him

as a kid he is totally still a kid and the idea that like just because right now he decided not to go to college and he decided to have this job like it's a little fucked up to say like he's gonna have this job for the rest of his life you don't know that like this guy can also surprise you too but like if you have this like incredibly negative image of him even if he starts to change and grow and like we know boys do it so much slower than girls and even if he does all of that if you have this idea of him that he's never going to be able to like get past that negative image you have of him painted and i mean i definitely i've not always liked the people that my friends have dated yeah i was just gonna bring that up that meg and i talk about this a lot

that there have been times where our close friends which is not the same as siblings but like still you're really close and we're both only children so we're like no you are basically um there are times when you don't like those partners but i've realized that the only time that i can really i feel comfortable saying something is if i believe that treatment or uh the things i don't like about them are directly related to the treatment of my friend um when it's just a question of like our personalities don't clash or do clash or i think like they're kind of lame and i don't really enjoy their company that's a personal opinion and i have to you can see so much more from the outside of a relationship than you can when you're in it and i think you know to

a certain extent you just have to let your sister get what she needs to out of this relationship yeah and i'm a big proponent in like if i my friends boyfriends the only service that they provide to my life is and the only thing that i care about not okay not really the only thing like because yeah i definitely like haven't always liked them but like the thing that i always boils down to i'm like as long as you make my friend happy as long as they are happy and as long as your sister is happy your opinions on him because it's not what you see for her or you you're thinking 10 years down the road that's okay and that's fine but also as much as you see if yes this if this relationship is totally stagnant in like the way that both of their dreams like

everything happened if this if it stays like this for the rest of for the next 10 years but you have to remember that they are young both of them are going to grow and evolve and their relationship is going to grow and evolve that the idea that like you're so afraid that like in a couple years time these plans that she has like they're not going to happen because of what you're seeing right now give them both a little bit cut them both some slack and i think just being supportive for her because also like you said the more opinion and negative like feelings that you have towards him that you give her all that's going to do is make her want to prove everybody wrong and is not going to make her be able to feel close and talk to you about it

when she does feel shitty because that's something that i've learned when i've expressed my feelings about friends partners and then they no longer talk to me about them yeah and then it's like oh okay i cut off that line of communication now you don't feel like i'm a safe place and so when you're going through drama or you're like having difficulties you don't feel like you can come to me because i'm going to make it bigger than it actually is or say i told you so and that's not what anyone wants to hear so i think you just need to like trust her and i think like like you said like if you start to see that like she's being really unhappy or she's doing things like really out of character she also might like grow and realize that she wants to do something different

or anything like that i'm just not putting her on this pedestal because then there's going to be nobody who you think is like going to be deserving of her when in reality like the ultimate goal is that like she is happy and as much as we have ideas of who we think are going to make people happy there are certain i mean i definitely even had ideas for myself of what was going to make me incredibly happy in a relationship and like character traits and who that person would be and um especially when it's an outside opinion like you don't really know what it is that is so important to each other um yeah i've been you in this situation with my younger sister at the same age she was dating somebody when she was 17 for a couple years um and he was a piece of shit he

was a couple years older he was actually my age and i couldn't stand him i didn't like him before they started dating like i'd known him for years and in the beginning i made it very known how much i did not like him um and it just and so did the rest of our family and it just pushed her closer to him and then when i kind of pull away and he people eventually do show their true colors if if this guy is the same as the way that my sister's ex-boyfriend was he eventually did show his true colors and um when she was done with him i was the first person that she called so just let her know that you're there for her but don't just from my experience don't push how much you dislike him too hard um because it can just push her away from you and then force her

to lean too much on him yeah and then you get trapped and tangled in that web which is never fun but yeah i mean you just gotta yeah bite your teeth it's i mean bite your teeth bite your tongue don't bite use your teeth to bite your tongue i've gotten a lot better at biting my tongue about this stuff. Shall we go on to the next? Hey, Megan, I'm 20 years old. I have been listening to your podcast since you first started. And I wanted to send you my own because I'm kind of in a bit of a predicament here. So pretty much I have been living with this group of people that are all I consider my best friends for just over a year now and everything's been going pretty great in my opinion but one day when no one was home I went and stupidly read

messages off of one of my friend's laptops between her and my other roommate who has I discovered been talking shit about me for months um and I know I can't really confront them because I have to say that I went through her laptop so I'm kind of wondering how to go about this situation because it's kind of made me like really angry and hold a lot of resentment against them without them even really knowing why and me being able to even explain why I haven't done it but I know it was stupid of me to do but I'm just kind of wondering what I should do in this situation

or just try and forget about it I don't know any advice would be greatly appreciated they've pretty much been just talking crap about me about my relationship that hasn't ended but

have been talking about pretty much everything about me they've been talking shit about i'm just wondering how to sort of go about this and they've all been talking to crap about my other two roommates as well so i'm just sort of wondering what i should do any help would be great anyways thanks love you love your podcast wow this is why you roommates suck no roommates can be great i've had friends yeah i've had great experiences friends yeah but at the same time i lived with my best friend for two years and i loved it but that was because

it's not like we it was perfect but we like were able to talk through any issues that we had um and that's kind of the key here is that whatever these two girls have um found to take issue with with you they're not bringing it up with you and that's the part that's unfair um and also i feel i'm so sorry like what a horrible thing to think that you're getting along with all these people and find out that two of them are shit talking you because they're also probably being nice to your face if you had no idea no but you looked so you knew something was up you maybe had some sort of inclination but i think what i think is um you don't have to explicitly say that you think something's the matter but casually maybe in the kitchen when you're crossing paths or something

just say hey i was feeling kind of a weird vibe lately just wondering like do you have any issues with me is there something going on like is there something i can be doing better are you bothered that I'm leaving dishes in the sink or something like is there something going on that I don't know about um that or I'm not aware I'm doing and you are bothered by and if their response is to be like oh my god no what are you talking about we're fine then fuck them they suck uh and if they're not willing to take that opportunity when you're giving it to them to offer criticism to improve then it's their problem and what they're doing really is that they're using you and your other roommates as a bonding tool with the two of them they're because people actually do bond by

shit talking it's like a weird human thing that we create a like quicker but not as solid but a quicker bond between two people by saying negative things about other people um and so clearly that's how they're maintaining their friendship is by shit talking the other people that they're living with and i think that just shows kind of weak personality uh traits to be frank i mean i i fully agree with that because i think like there is something to like and if i if i look at this in terms of like relationships like when i talk shit on like mots or whatever to my friends the stuff that i'm usually talking shit on is either a something that like we've had arguments about and we've already discussed or something that's like when you're talking shit and you're

like oh it's so trivial like he has this one shirt that i have hence a sense thrown away because i think he listened to the other episode where i was like i hate this one shirt um or it's something that is so petty that it doesn't matter so it's more generalized like just like oh when guys do this thing and then we're girls so we get to go oh yeah annoying but i think like when it comes to like a relationship that involves like living together like when someone's talking shit about you as opposed to like bringing something up to change there usually isn't really anything to change because like that's on them like if it was something like if it was a constructive thing of being like oh she never puts puts her dishes away those are things that if you read it you would be

like oh shit like i really should and usually it's gonna come from the fact that they've already said something and then you're not changed like they've already like put out what their issue is and there is no changing and then they're talking shit if they're talking shit without having talked to you about it at all i don't think it's about you like you said i think it is a bonding tool between them and the fact that they're talking shit about the other roommate like a that's just fucking messy like you all live together like if you're friends this is what would happen if you start talking shit to you also i think this says that those two girls don't have a lot of other friends because really like i totally get having to let off steam if you're like living in close quarters with a lot

of people you want to be able to shit talk sometimes just to get it off your chest but if you can't even call a friend who doesn't live with you like you need to expand your social circle also you're destroying it actively right now yeah i just think it's so incredibly immature and dumb and it just shows how shitty of friends that they probably are because also know as much as shit they're talking to each other i guarantee you they're probably talking shit about each other to other people like it's just not a productive environment when you live with people and you're going to do that and it just i think it just shows like complete carelessness of other people's feelings um and as much as like you identify those people as your friends i don't think

i they haven't been treating like how people treat you behind your back i think is like the most important thing like it just shows how they are but like but that also that is so often a thing that you cannot measure no you often don't see how people talk about you or treat you behind your back and we assume it's we hope it's good if we don't hear anything yeah there's a level of trust that usually goes into a friendship because you're assuming that they're on the same page with you and they're not treating you poorly behind your back and for that like i really am sorry this must have been such a shock and like it must make you feel so bad that there are these people that you genuinely liked and thought you were doing right by who are shit talking you and i

just want you to make sure you don't take it personally and realize also those other roommates are being shit talked to don't tell them yeah but you know realize that it's not about you it's about those two girls and it's yeah if as long as you're doing everything to be a considerate roommate then just she's not though she went and looked on their computers but that's i think that has you have to have had like an inclination yeah that something was up and to me that makes it seem like as much this might not have been as out of left field as you thought and this might have been confirming your suspicions that like they weren't that great and that they were being kind of shitty and being kind of cold to you and maybe take that as being like a you know what i cared enough in the moment

before it was confirmed to like look because like it was obvious like there was something there that made you want to look and you have that confirmation now and now it can be like you know what i'm not going to put as much time and energy into fostering a friendship and i'm just going to treat them like roommates because that's what they deserve but yeah uh yeah it sucks i'm sorry having like roommates drama is by far the worst fuck these girls also don't snoop yeah moral of the story don't snoop from somebody who snooped all the time don't snoop it's not good i don't recommend it to anyone oh is it time for a break okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be back okay guys we're back from our break what did you do okay uh back to the calls

hi i am 26 years old i'm from michigan and i just have a question so i am from a very large catholic family and um i'm number five and i went to therapy um probably like a year and a half ago because I was just extremely depressed. I had a lot of anxiety. So I'm number five. I have nine brothers and sisters. And number 10, so my youngest sibling, is just reaching out to me so hard. There's no way that I can walk away from the conversation

without saying you need to talk to a therapist. but my mom is like this terribly old school catholic woman so she's like oh no just fulfill some sexist role and and talk to a priest about it um so basically i'm telling my youngest sister to go to therapy but at the same time my mom is mocking me to other people who I don't speak to I have like no relationship with about therapy in front of my younger sister so she's not willing to approach my mom about going to therapy but at the same time she's just she's always reaching out to me talking about how depressed she is and anxious she is and

And I, I just don't know how to help because I've also talked to my mom about her going to therapy and she just, I guess, essentially mocks me to my face. Like it's not, nobody takes me seriously because I'm not as Catholic as everybody else. So I just, I'm not sure how to help my sister because I would just like claim her as my own child and have her go on my insurance but my insurance is terrible so I can't get her a therapist without having to pay $200 a visit and I just don't have that kind of money you I really like her voice and also you're the nicest sister yeah like this is so sweet and so nice um and this is just there's nothing more upsetting to me than parents letting down their kids like that is just

so shitty and you can't even work through own therapy if they're anti-therapy yeah oh god this is frustrating i mean i i have a lot of feelings about uh religion i didn't personally grow up going to church or having uh any close uh relationship with god or anything like that um so but i also know some people who have had positive experiences in church not a lot of them but like some people and so i think within the community maybe if you've got like a if like she's got a good relationship with that priest maybe like it's worth going to a couple meetings just so that mom can see that she's tried it and then even maybe the priest if they're like progressive they can sort of suggest to mom like a professional would be a great person for your

daughter to see and then having it come from someone who's not you even though she should trust you because you sound like a great person who's really learned a lot and has a lot of like insight into this i don't know the fact that she's mocking you is just miserable to me i hate that it's that like that to me like that is just so shitty and sad and also shows great like how great and strong that you are because i'm sure that like i mean as somebody who goes to therapy now twice a week like it's not like you don't immediately decide that you're going to go it's kind of like a slow like i'm gonna go and the fact that i'm sure that she has been vocal in a negative way about therapy and mental health for your childhood growing up and that you have grown up

and been able to then see that that's not right and then you're going to see a therapist i think if that's any uh any consolation yours that your sister is coming from a very similar environment that she doesn't that as much as like she's young and impressionable and her mom can be is not being supportive that doesn't mean that for the rest of her life that she's going to believe those things and not validate her feelings because she is going to you she's going to you and she knows that great guiding light for her she can and that you've turned not turned your back on the church community or anything like that but that you have recognized that like mental health is something that needs to be prioritized and dealt with with a professional yeah medical

professional there's a reason why that that's a thing and the fact that she's going to you i think is um i i'm sure i know it's probably a really it feels like weighty on you to kind of when you're when you're dealing with your own struggles of mental health and then other people want to like lean on you or rely on you it can be really hard because and you can feel helpless because you have a lack of resources in order to help yeah because you have some you have someone that helps you and so then and helping other people can feel um like a lot especially because you might not have all the answers which i think or the money to help either yeah which i think is is totally fine i think um the keeping the line of communication with her open and just like

having conversations i think if that means like sharing any sort of like uh like articles or resources that you find um or that you read that have helped you or any sort of like books or anything like that like giving her content that she can whether it's like a library card that she can read certain things with that um and do doing those things i think i don't know if she goes to like if she goes to like a private catholic school it might be hard but if she goes to a school where they have a counselor who um you know believes in mental health and not like and you know like homosexuality isn't like the whole like pray your sadness and the gay away um if there is a resource at school you can always go to her school with her like after school and be like

had like or even just talk to a counselor um because you are over 18 and like you are like like a family member listed um and talk to a counselor and you can even if you're concerned about her like if there's something happening at school um not that i'm saying like rat it out or whatever but like if you can you can have somebody who can be looking out for her at school um and i think a guidance counselor i had the first time i ever was told that i was had anxiety was from my college or my high school we had like a college guidance counselor at my high school who like helps you get into college she was the first person who told me that i had anxiety and she just said it as this like very blase sort of thing um where i was like thought i was dying

because i came into her office and i just thought i was dying because i like couldn't breathe and i was crying and i was like hysterical and um it was literally over the fact that i didn't have any friends in my chemistry class and i was like i know it's stupid i know it's stupid and i was like losing my mind and i was like i just can't do it if i can't do it i don't know anybody like I feel like a fucking idiot and I was losing my mind she was like you're you've got anxiety and you're very anxious about that and that's a completely valid thing and we're going to switch your schedule and we're not going to put you in this class because you don't have any friends in this class and that's not this this is not how you can take this class you can't take this class if

you feel like this and it wasn't like a buck up feel better sort of thing and it was yeah it was the first time an adult in my life had like seen me panic and seen me like almost have a full-blown anxiety attack and told me like we're gonna figure this out like this is fine we're gonna solve this and it was something that was to be solved and i wasn't something to be solved like it was a problem that made me feel a certain way and it wasn't just don't feel that way like we're gonna go about this so i think like and her training specialty was like helping you get into college so i think like if you can talk to somebody at her school that would be great there are more like free cheaper therapy um we always have them linked in the show notes for i think every single episode yeah

I was also going to say that a lot of therapists have a sliding scale for payment that if you get in touch and you explain the situation and the fact that like financially it's just not feasible to pay their normal fee they can offer you different rates and they do that on purpose so then like they want to be able to help people that's their whole job. So even if you got in touch with your old therapist and said like, hey, I want to get my sister into therapy, either do you or do you know any of your peers who have sliding scale fees or could do like a small amount of time for free so that my mom can see like that there it's actually helpful and then like we can get it through insurance, whatever the case may be. reach out to anyone you think can help you um because it shouldn't just be on your shoulders and i can totally understand how heavy that must weigh on you to know that like your sister is reaching out to you and you alone and like the fear i think that's always a fear that you have when like you've got a friend or family member who's reaching out to you about their mental health you worry constantly like anytime you're not in touch you're like i wonder how they're doing are they worse are they better like what if i don't call them every 10 minutes and something

happens in that time like i want to make sure that i'm around all the time to help them and that's so much stress to be on you and like at 26 and also dealing with your own mental health stuff like you should have other people by your side to help you and really it should be your mom and i'm really sorry that she doesn't seem to take you seriously or believe you um but if you can find other people in the community who your mom trusts that are maybe more open to the idea of mental health um work and like either yeah get your sister to tell you if there are certain teachers that she really likes who will like who listen and understand like even if it's not even guidance like her math teacher maybe even if they are just really receptive to the

idea of talking about mental health if you can get in touch with that teacher and get notes home or talk to anyone else that your mom might like respect their opinion um i think that's really gonna be the key because a lot of this too is just your mom's having weird shame about this so she hates the idea that like her kids aren't perfect and like if she doesn't believe that mental health is a problem something that can happen and then can be fixed like she is just trying to hide it she doesn't want to think about it too much um and that is just not fair because it's putting you and your siblings in danger and also if it's just you and your sister i feel like maybe some of your other siblings have had issues too and they just haven't spoken about them they've

been too ashamed and the fact that you have really been forward about it and enough that your sister knows that you are someone who's safe to talk to is really great and really brave of you so um i wish you luck yeah um we have a couple apps that sponsor this show um better help and uh talk space that you can um i don't know if she has a phone or even if she uses her phone or ipad or whatever touch but maybe you could download those apps for her um and i think they're they are a lot cheaper than therapy um talkspace also has an article on their website called reconciling religion and therapy why you can talk to god and a therapist and so this might be something that i'll put it in the show notes this might be something that you can share with your mom

one thing that they do it's a very long article but one thing that they do um recommend is find a therapist who specializes in seeing religious clients so that could help as well yeah that's that's a really good idea and i would also say i'm sure you've probably already done this but on the off chance that you haven't ask your therapist like if she has any like at least like anything that um even if it's just like a couple things that you're like when my sister says something to me like i want i want not that i want to make sure i'm saying the right thing because there is no right answers like your therapist obviously can't therapize your sister through you but something that um can help uh yeah help help your sister keep the conversation

open and give you some confidence that you know you're doing the right thing yeah and doesn't make you feel as my always my therapist always says like you never want to feel too exposed when you're dealing with therapy and you're going through like mental health struggles and everything like that helping other people and like sharing your own experiences is great but it's when you have to do it in a way that doesn't leave you to feel so exposed and like triggered or anything like that so a way that your therapist who knows your history and everything that like is there something that i can say to my sister or should say to my sister um or when she asks me something like this what's something that i can say or do for her that's not going to put me in a really

vulnerable and like worse mental state but that will not shut her down yeah and still keep that one like keep that communication with you guys there um in a way that makes the yeah makes it the reason why that she keeps coming back to you and i also think as much as your mom is like being super cold about this i think in general i mean religion i think honestly religion aside too i think people who have really really really strong feelings um anti-mental health um like the existence of mental health are usually people who have been silenced by other people in their feelings and that is like a very repressed thing um and also a huge thing with like a lot of people who are older and like adults and things like that who they never got help with therapy and

things like that and so there's a little bit of resentment of people who it's like no i turned out fine it's like but if you actually look at the whole history of this right but did you turn out like is there could this have been could your life have improved could your self-esteem have improved like your coping mechanisms your relationship with yourself and other people could it have improved if you had these resources and is the reason why you're kind of anti this is because you feel like it's an unfair advantage um which is a fucked up thing especially when it comes from a parent because you want your parents to want what's best for you um but i think like you have done a great job at um tuning her like ridiculousness out with all of that and still

getting help and doing better because of it um and i think if your mom's not educated on depression and anxiety and suicide and these these very very real consequences of mental health being untreated um i think a lot of the time and i also don't want you to do anything though that that like at least like for me i would have a hard time trying to convince somebody because i am so personally invested and it is your mom and you don't want her to say something that you when she says something negative you're like well you're talking about me um and that can be like really like hurtful um but uh i think a lot of the time people kind of rely on uh no offense again a lot of the times in religion like on the people it's like well you know what

like he prayed the gay away and he's no longer gay and it's these like these like she said he said kind of stories when it's like let's look at the statistical facts of what happens when mental health is untreated like let's take religion out of the picture and also what's the worst thing that could happen if your daughter's incredibly depressed and she's feeling really terrible the worst thing that could happen by going to therapy is she feels better like it doesn't mean that she's not gonna and i think like suggesting like there are really like let's go like we should go to a therapist who like believes in all of this stuff but like on the off chance that like no matter how great her relationship with god is and how much she prays like she still feels really

depressed like your child's happiness should be your number and like your child's mental well-being should be your number one priority um and it sucks sometimes when people's um pride and their own like small-minded beliefs get in the way but you're obviously doing a really great job a in therapy with yourself because like this is like that's a very strong thing to do when nobody's still have a relationship with your family but you've also separated yourself enough to for your own yeah like and from the people that you said that you don't have relationships within your family who like i think that's also a really strong thing and that you're a fucking amazing great sister yeah and i grew up in church and i had a good experience and stuff and i still

went to therapy and i'm great she's she is great she's thriving that's not even sarcastic i'm just jealous we go on to the next hey megan i am 25 and from utah i'm going to try and be concise because i've tried to record this one and it cut me off so uh i am dating this guy we were friends for around a year and a half and um anyway just became official probably around three months ago um and have been exclusive for that amount of time i really like him he's great makes me laugh um however i find myself really frustrated with the relationship sometimes because i feel like i have to be fairly assertive when it comes to my needs um like if something bothers me I have to really bring it up and make a point of it um in order for him to be considerate of me is that

weird so like in private when we're one-on-one he's awesome but when it comes to public events that I'm going out to do or his friends, I can kind of be pushed to the wayside. For example, he hosted a birthday party for one of his friends last week at his place and didn't invite me. Or

we were on a date a couple weeks ago and he ditched me in the middle of it to go join a game night last minute. Granted, it's not something we had planned before that this was date night. We were just hanging out on a date.

or like i invited him to this concert and um he said he couldn't go because of funds and then the next week uh spent five hundred dollars on a poster that he really wanted which was super lame and i called him out for that and he apologized and that's what i struggle with is that if i bring something to his attention and i'm like hey that really hurt my feelings he's really good about fixing that specific circumstance and apologizing and moving on um but I do feel like I have to keep doing that and I don't want to be a warden I want to be a girlfriend and I don't expect my mind to be read like I'm vocal but at the same time maybe it's just a compatibility issue if I have to keep bringing these things up um or do you think

I'm blowing it out of the water I could use another voice or two on this I don't know if you're his girlfriend I don't know if you're his girlfriend and also he's not a man or a boy he is a man child you know a man child who might not

officially might not be as exclusively dating you as you think that you are I mean that's the most extreme possibility here is that there's that you are the side chick yeah yeah but or that you're all side he doesn't have a main hoe and you're all side hoes i think what you right at the beginning of the call i did think that you were the one overreacting when you

said like i need to bring up when i'm bothered by something in order for him to know because i think that's important in a relationship i don't think you can expect people to read your mind i think you have to vocalize when you're bothered by something and then like you guys can work it out because i i live by the philosophy that no one does things um to be purposefully malicious i don't think that we for the most part set out to hurt our partners by doing something stupid um i think it's usually just that we're not thinking but then when you continue to explain the circumstances like he's the one in the wrong here um he's doing a lot of really inconsiderate things and then kind of in my mind i would assume you're playing dumb by saying like oh i had no

idea that would bother you babe because like those are outrageous things to do a date in the middle child but he also went through a party and didn't invite her okay like what excuse do you have like oh sorry i mean i know you know them but like you don't know them as well as i do i guess yeah and they've been and they were friends for a year and a half before they started no way she didn't know those guys we gotta break it down though first of all i think that like just like you said in general if something upsets you you have to tell somebody nobody is going to be your mind reader there are some things that mods have done where he was like oh wow really and i'm like a fucking course that pissed me off like are you a goddamn idiot like there are some times where just like your your

like wavelengths are completely crossed and the idea that somebody would not know that that would like upset you or offend you or hurt you like you have to say it and the thing that matters though from that is even if he has these really great genuine apologies so are the things that are happening because you've only been dating for three months so let's talk about so that in that way so these things um it's it's the mistakes that happen again after you've already brought it up so like there are things like uh like I Mott's used to I used to I don't love going out surprisingly um and I like but I he knows that about me so he wouldn't ask me to go out with his friends but then I would get offended that he wouldn't ask me to go out with his friends and so when I

brought that up if the next time he didn't invite me and I found out that they all hung out and I wasn't invited it'd be like okay we've already talked about this but if it's new things that they're different things that like he's not understanding like oh well no I learned my lesson here and I now know that this upset you and this made you feel a certain type of way which I never want you to feel so I'm not going to do that again are these things isolated incidents or are the same things happening over and over again like yeah when you like the examples that you gave like okay so he had a party through a party for his friend and didn't invite you okay so like they're sure the excuses can be terrible but somehow he just made that absolutely idiotic mistake

genuinely was dumb yeah it was just like all guys it was all guys or it was like somebody it was like one of the guy friends they all a group of friends who always used to hang out together exclusively that group or they planned for something else like it was one of those like last minute things that like has happened like i've had that when like people have had like birthday things or friend things where it's like oh no I was just hanging out with this one person then someone else found out that it was someone's birthday like was it something that was kind of like oh they were on a text thread and it got came together that night like there are like certain things like I don't want to make excuses for him but the same thing when you're like leaving a date

you're like we didn't say that it was date night like again mods and I have been in this position where we've been hanging out and then he's like oh my friends text me you want to do something and I'm like oh I thought we were like had a plan and in my head I'm like well I sat at home all day in my sweatpants and i was excited for you to come home because i thought we had but like if you don't communicate what you're like what you're doing and what your intent for like what the night you're gonna do and have all of that stuff out like yes you were hanging out but like at the same time if you guys were also friends beforehand it is a hard transition to go from friends to dating this could be just growing pains maybe yeah because it's the stuff that can sometimes

go along with like you're hanging out with one friend you're like oh cool i'm like we're gonna all go to the game night thing like a super fun sort of thing and you have to have to have to have have to bring these things up in the moment not the day after if you you have to bring it up in the moment because you're both fresh in it it's if it's something that he says it's not going to be like misconstrued and you're not going to think that he said something different and he's not going to be like no i didn't say that and you're like okay well if you said it 10 seconds ago it's much easier for me to say what you said because you just said it you have to bring it up in the moment um because then if you stew on it he can't fit like he can just say he won't do it again but

he can't fix how you're feeling in that current moment and it just as somebody who stews on those feelings like it just feels shittier and shittier and shittier and it can feel really personal when it's not necessarily intended to be personal um but at the same time my mind does automatically go to the fact that i don't know how much of the dating exclusively you guys are doing yeah he sounds like he sounds like he can he either sounds like a complete idiot man child which i yeah like has he had never had a relationship before you or something like doesn't understand how does this sound that different this is sound like so different than things that could have happened to people we know though because that's the thing that i'm like i could hear my friends

going on dates with guys or like dating guys who do this and i'd be like fucking man child like yeah yeah when when she said he ditched her during a date i was thinking like they were at dinner and he just left but if they were just at home watching tv and you were like oh sure okay yeah because she did say like it was just us hanging yeah yeah and especially when you go from friends like it is a much more lax relationship and then you get into a relationship and it's like oh wait because that's moths and i were friends first and it became like oh wait no we have to like plan to like go on dates and like do these things and we can't just keep the same friendship that we've had going and like still like just have sex and have that be the only different thing which like

to be honest sometimes we're like let's not date let's just like be together and this will be this is easy too but like you have to express what you need in a relationship and nobody's ever going to be psychic it's going to be a learning curve and i would say three months in is you're still really really learning each other and if he keeps making if it if you keep being put into the same situations and he keeps doing the same thing over and over again that's when i think whether he's an idiot for malicious reasons or he's just a fucking idiot it's not worth your time but i think like if you really care about him and he is making a conscious effort to like really change and you can see that and it's not just like a great apology it's like the next time something

else comes up you're like oh no this like this could have been an opportunity for him to do that same thing again and he doesn't he does the opposite thing um then i think it's something that you just learn through um yeah and the thing with the concert and him buying the poster i feel like it was probably like a concert he didn't want to go to yeah what is a 500 poster i don't know but maybe he's been saving up for it yeah and that's why he had the money for it because he wanted that's a man-child move though i have so many friends who like them and they're they're not together anymore so whatever but i had a friend who her and her ex like he was very much like frugal as fuck couldn't spend any money on like going out to dinner on dates with her and

like doing anything like or vacations together he was like no i don't have money thousands of dollars on like bro trips and like bros going out like rounds of beer on me and she was just like what the fuck and like it's just priority it is it's an immaturity thing especially when it comes with like guys who are younger like they don't think of they're not thinking of these things as being like okay this is my pot of young really i mean that's true i mean yeah but like when you think of your pot of money as like a guy it's like well no like i have like my going out bro money but like i don't have just like a bunch of money like lying around to like yeah go to a concert i don't want to go to he doesn't want to go to and it's just a concert the poster's gonna last him

for a while yeah and it's clearly of something he likes if it was five hundred dollars i also think like when it comes to like spending things i don't think that you should have to spend a ton of money um being in a relationship i think like that idea and that aspect like what on either side whether it's like your significant other wants you to come along to all these things that you can't afford or you want your significant other to come with you to things that they don't necessarily really like like when mott's and i want to go do something if it's a concert that he really likes and i'm like i don't know he's probably gonna buy my tickets if like i really i really want to go to casey musgraves i'm not gonna make him pay 250 bucks to go see casey

musgraves and he's like that's the country girl who sings a song about following your era i'm like yeah i'm not gonna make you spend 250 bucks because that money to you like i don't i wouldn't want to fucking i don't want to spend 250 bucks to go see a fucking clippers game like no offense but i think like there are other certain things too like you can be excited to share your relationship with somebody but i wouldn't take things like that necessarily super personally um unless it's something that it's like oh it's a it's a family event or a birthday or something like it's my birthday and i really want to go to something like this and he's like nah i want to spend that money on me but if it's something like not i won't say the concert's trivial but

something that like he didn't realize maybe how much it mattered or and did you express how much those things matter to you and also when you prioritize thing this is the big thing that i have with relation to people like if there if there's something that's really important for you for someone to be at or someone to like participate in with you that can't be everything yeah and you should do that thing yeah and that's where you guys need to like match up at and i think yeah there's right now you just kind of have to evaluate why he is so not considerate of you is it because he's just not used to it yet he's not used to having someone else around to consider and to try to make happy by participating in the things that they like doing or is it really just

because to him a girlfriend is someone who is available who can cook and clean and be there to have sex with at night and he gets to go have his own life still like because there are unfortunately you know the society we that is sort of the way a lot of men can be and um i personally get super turned off by the idea of having to train a man to like be a nice person um but like if maybe it's just a question of him learning right now or does he not actually want to learn and accommodate because the friend that we were just talking about who's no longer with that partner i think that's what their relationship really came down to is that he did not want to compromise or change or do anything for her he simply wanted her to fit the mold yeah to fit

into his life and he never considered what it would be for him to fit into hers um and so that i guess is just now the question that you have to ask yourself is is this relationship just in its early stages and we have to figure out how to grow together in order to make a good partnership or like am I just the girlfriend because out of convenience he liked being my friend and he thought like oh she's cool and chill and like I still get to live my own life and wait hold on I get to have sex with her now this is sick like is that his thought process I think it's just about figuring out what that is and also you know what you need because that's that's the important thing like you were saying prioritizing what you need in the relationship in order to be happy and don't

be afraid to ask for what you need as somebody who my therapist is giving me the homework of telling me i have to figure out what i need in all the relationships in my life and i'm like i have no fucking idea i can just do everything myself and she's like well this is the issue and this is why we're here um but i don't the idea when you're saying like i want to be a girlfriend i don't want to be a warden i this like the nagging girlfriend like nagging wife that fucking yeah just try like get rid of that because no matter who you date for the rest of your life there are going to be things that you're going to ask from them that you need from them and a perfect relationship isn't somebody that you're not going to have to do that for

yeah but it should be two people who can ask for stuff from each other yeah like and make compromises in order to both grow and be better human beings not a better wife or husband not fitting into stereotypes but just being better people for one another like with my parents like my mom was more of a breadwinner than my dad for like certain years of their careers and that meant that my dad would pick up slack and do some things that were like normally more of a female role in the house and so it doesn't have to necessarily be that you just become more of like a female stereotypical partner it's just about being better partners for each other yeah and and and being able to i always think it's just not hurting each other and unintentionally

because like like you said the very beginning like no one i don't unless you're like a sociopath i don't think you go out to like purposefully hurt someone and i think so much of communication in a relationship and what you're asking for is this is what this makes me feel i know that's not your intention but this is how it makes me feel and usually it's like oh wow yeah that was not my intention also i had no idea it's so easy for me to change that like it's not something that's hard to change um yeah i also don't want to i don't want to hopefully we didn't come across too harsh but i also just yeah i'm like really here for like tearing down the ideas that like movies have made about like relationships because relationships are really hard um and asking for stuff is hard

uh but i think we should all i don't know i i think we should trust the people that or trust ourselves and our own taste in people especially when you've been friends with in your relationship with like know that like you probably saw something really good in him and give him the opportunity um and the time to show you that he is a stand-up guy and he can be uh considerate and his being inconsiderate is him just like being a fucking doofus yeah but also don't stick around if the only thing he's delivering are words and not actions and if it keeps happening again and again because that's someone who's just regurgitating what you want to hear and isn't actually acting on it but yeah oh okay wow this is time for i would just have like a split screen where it's

like me looking at you this is what's it time this is time for don't blame them and this is when you guys the listeners you guys call in and you give your own advice on uh previous calls and episodes yeah because you guys have opinions you have more life experience you bought you all of you as i said before so many threesomes all y'all they just had so many i'm mad because i was not included in these conversations you guys left me no i mean the conversations they were having they were sending you messages oh yeah yeah i mean that's a threesome you should include me in it. 100%. If you're going to talk about your threesomes with me, you have to include Melissa in that.

Just send it on the podcast one. You can tell who's responding based on how it's spelled. I usually put my initials at the end so people know. M. No, all my initials. Alright, so this is from the episode

with Alexi Wasser. There is a caller, the original caller, she was a team mom and she was debating if she should stay with her boyfriend that really wasn't contributing anything to their lives.

Well, she hasn't had a baby yet. No, she hasn't. Whoa, and he already wasn't contributing? Yeah, they were like, she didn't really want to be with him. I think they were kind of like a Yasmin. They were kind of already like broken up. Alright, here's the caller that's sharing similar experience. Hi, Megan.

I was just listening to that episode with Alexi and a caller called in. She's going to be a teen mom and um i actually have some advice for her i my mom actually i'm not a teen mom i'm actually not even a teen anymore but my mom had me really young and i um recall i actually do have some memories of my biological dad being somewhat involved during the first few years of my life but from what I've gathered he's sort of like a deadbeat guy and him and my mom weren't

together and she wanted to raise me on her own so yeah I was raised by a single mom and honestly it was amazing I really appreciate your advice for this caller and other callers because I know there have been a few parents who have called in saying that they were concerned about raising their child and not having both parents be involved. But honestly, if you have one stellar parent, I felt like that was really all I needed. I don't think it impacted my life in a negative way at all. I think, well, what has impacted my life negatively was if I had a shitty dad. um and honestly I felt my whole life like all I really needed was my mom it was me and her um I had other family members that were super involved and I totally agree with you about the

fact that it's not really your parents who raise you like the people who like the sperm and the egg It's really not about that. It's about the people who actually put in the time and effort and love into being a part of your life. And like I said, all I ever needed was my mom. And I really think that I'm just forever grateful that my mom chose to do this all on her own and didn't want to have someone who was sort of toxic be a part of my life. so yep that's my advice is just to really like to that mom and any other moms or dads i guess out there um if you're worried about including someone else like having the other parent be

involved just for the sake of your child having two parents i don't really think that's necessary i think it's all about just providing a really loving environment for your child thank you love you love melissa love the podcast bye oh my god that almost made me cry that's so sweet oh my god can we send this clip to your mom oh it's after mother's day oh yeah but it's just so sweet that just makes me so happy um and yeah i'm glad that like that advice that i don't i didn't come from like a single parent household but i'm glad that that's like i don't know like that's what i would assume um and yeah That was really nice. And I know a lot of people who were raised by single parents, and I think often it was trying to either keep in touch or get in touch with that parent who wasn't around was the most harmful part of their childhoods.

And it was only when they stopped trying to have that person in their lives that they realized they didn't even need them. And yeah, I think you bring up a good point that it doesn't have to be. It's the most crucial thing is not having two parents around. It's about having people who care about the child in the child's life. And that is the most important part. And to the original caller, you know, I hope you're feeling a little bit more confident with your choices and what you're going to do in the future.

and I hope you have family and friends around who will support you and help you because you don't need this dude who is not even pulling his weight before there's a baby. That's crazy. And he can't pull his weight. He probably weighs like 85 pounds.

Very small. Small, small, small teen boy. Teen boys are very small. But yeah, that makes me happy and I'm so happy that you and your mom have such a great relationship because yeah, it's so very true in the sense that like the,

again, like you said, like knowing friends who came from like single family households when we when they're the kids are like my peers got old enough to be like you know what I don't want to do the reaching out so much it was like oh I'm not disappointed when I'm like but if it's like I'm reaching out because I think that I'm supposed to have this figure and then someone's letting me down but it's like you don't that figure doesn't need to be that person and I don't know like needing and or not I don't want to say needing but like trying to chase someone down to fulfill a role without them doing it on like their own

accord that doesn't always feel as good like it feels like more of an obligation unless of somebody um who just wants to be there like yasmin switzer's boyfriend logan logan yes yeah logan wow we know way too many logans um uh we're also putting a stop on people like megan and melissa because there's just too fucking many of us it's confusing as hell um but yeah just like that like when someone like wants like he's not even layla's dad guys you gotta watch her she's amazing i'm obsessed with her okay well that's it for our episode oh my god are you sure you guys don't we can just do another one just back to back to back to back to back um well i was gonna take tell everybody where they can find you i could also probably just list off all of your socials

yeah um you're are you a some c paul on twitter or just say some no uh no just my name on twitter and instagram um if you can't spell it sorry i mean i could do it uh a i s l i n n it's also in the notes yeah and if you're watching on youtube it'll be right there in the title right there cool acelyn paul maybe for this picture i'll just photoshop for the thumbnail i'll just photoshop a picture of me when i was really young when people told me that i was claire from degrassi and uh we'll do that side by side um well if you want to follow melissa and i our socials are always listed down below the podcast don't blah meme pod um if you are listening to this and you want to watch the video version um you can watch on youtube and if you are watching

on youtube and uh you want to um listen again in your car because that's where all y'all's or on the bike a treadmill um walking y'all call in the car all y'all but you do use a turn signal which is great but you need to stop doing it it is not safe yeah you can and we can't hear you that well and if you get pulled over let's talk if you get pulled over and the cop is like i'm sorry were you distracted and you're like i'm leaving a voicemail for a podcast sure it might not technically be illegal because it is hands-free but it is considered distracted driving and i don't like as much as don't blame me like hold us against like you guys getting mad at us i don't know if that works for the police right so do us a solid and pull your car over pull over

turn the car off and then make the call yeah yeah the turn signal always gets me and it's like uh and i'm like you're making a left aren't you yeah you're making a left you're pausing you're trying to figure out what to say and you're like oh okay we're good now um well guys uh that's it if you want to be on an upcoming episode give us a call and leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and if you're an international listener hey canadians and other places i'm just doing it i mean i we do love canadians here um you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and then we'll see you guys next week goodbye don't blame me as a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts

camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network