Don't Blame Me! - S3E3: Guest: Lindsey Simcik - No Longer Attracted to Boyfriend?

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

Lindsey Simcik, the other half of Almost 30 podcast, is here this week to share advice. We’re answering your questions about getting out of the friendzone with a guy you’re hooking up with, discovering your bisexuality, dropping out of college, and going back to a guy that cheated on you. We also have a caller sharing her advice on having second thought about marriage. Follow Us! @dontblamemepod @meghanrienks @lindseysimcik @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Try Fit Jeans, and JustFab. Please support them! Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me you can hear that fantastic giggle we have Lindsay here from the almost 30 podcast thanks for having me oh my god also by the way I think I've taken one of your soul cycle classes really I think I think I mean no no like like like a while ago how long have you been teaching four years okay yeah yeah because i shot a movie in santa monica and i asked chris i was like does she teach in santa monica a lot and she was like yeah and i was like and yeah no i've been i've been that was me yeah i don't really remember it was like 7 a.m yeah and i went straight to work and then i yeah i probably didn't say hi i probably skipped the cool down i was that asshole and i

was like deuces and i left and i showered and like beat all the moms there that's actually the number one thing at soul cycle that's kind of like we need we need like rules and regulations because the shower lines oh my god and like just the politics in the shower lines oh yeah you can you can cut there are no rules there are zero rules someone will be like excuse me i'm so sorry like i have to take a shit and they'll be like oh yeah go ahead and then she'll slip into the shower stall oh wait she's like no i'm gonna take a shit in the shower i'm just gonna poop in the shower i'm just gonna do it here it's happened it is vicious would you ever do it what poop in a shower no someone did it once are you fucking kidding me we still don't know who it was at

santa monica oh my god yeah wow we have a feeling but we don't know for sure because there are no cameras but they not like stomp it down the drain no we had to have our cleaning staff go in and like with a little shovel that was a thing on broad city oh my god really because abby yeah abby worked at a fitness place and she had to go clean up the poop because somebody had pooped in the shower stop but it's like a statement do you know what i mean like it's because you don't know it's like it's like a little bit of i don't like marking your territory but like but you have to like position yourself if you're in a shower stall you have to like consciously relax your body enough you have to open your cheeks yeah you gotta get yeah i know wow it's all right i feel bad because

they're probably really troubled or they could have um what is it colitis where it just comes out and you can't move and it just happens yeah but if it's solid it was solid it was like the banana one that oprah says you should have it's like well good for that it's like a banana that's great wow that's how i learned about my poop from oprah and uh dr oz yeah yeah wow okay um well i don't know how to intro you melissa's here as always guys i wasn't even gonna try and be like well speaking of speaking of being the shit beers yes that's perfect okay great perfect love it uh this is an advice podcast it's called don't blame me i probably already said that um and you guys call in you leave us voicemails and we're going to give some advice and the phone number if you

want to call in is 310-694-0976 and for our international listeners we know you have problems too except one of your problems is not donald trump hopefully god god bless you uh uh canada you can email us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com and yeah oh god i didn't even breathe that whole fucking time that's pretty good and if you're watching this right now guys uh you can see my nice heating pad on my abdomen so if i grimace it's probably not your question it's probably the cramps that are happening in my body poor thing yeah i'm falling apart it seems shall we start let's do it let's go hey megan i'm 23 calling from the bible belt not that that has anything to pertain to my call but um so i have this best guy friend we've been friends since i

was in high school um we kind of had a flirtationship and we like hooked up kind of casually throughout high school and then um throughout college um we actually randomly started dating i guess you'll call it um on new year's eve we were both drunk like plaster drunk um and just decided that you know we both really liked each other and decided to date um we both have real feelings for each other but are kind of too stupid to admit it um he likes to tell me all the time when he's drunk that we're gonna get married and then he can't picture his life without me and then he's so thankful to have me around is he actually meaning that or am i just the girl that's constantly around um the sex is great we have a great like friendship still even like there's no

weirdness or anything like that um i still hang out with him regularly it's never been weird we'll occasionally like get drunk and hook up but like it never much goes past the hooking up other than the one time so any advice how do i i don't know get out of the friend zone and i guess into the end zone as a relationship zone i mean is that me at 23 oh really i'll begin by just saying um she's 23 yeah and I just feel like when I was 23 I thought as a woman that I was just so emotionally evolved more so than any boy I was with so I almost felt like she was speaking for him like well like you know he he tells me he wants to like be with me forever and whatever whatever but like the actual reality of what's happening is that you're hooking up when you're

drunk and that's it yeah and he's only expressing what you think is truth when he's drunk and the thing about the drinking and trust me I could drink anyone under the table at that age you know like I was fucked up most of the time um but what tends to happen is like you're drinking um you get loosey-goosey I mean I remember falling in love with people that I would see in the daylight and I'm like, ah, you know what I mean? But then the days that follow, I would always be pretty low and depressed. And it wasn't necessarily because of what happened. It was because I was hungover. My body wasn't able to recover. I was dehydrated. I didn't get enough sleep. So like these symptoms of depression would set in and then my anxiety would rise. And then I would begin to

like think about things that weren't really real about the relationship between me and that guy and I just don't think boys will ever care as much at least at that age about what's going on yeah so for him it's like we're gonna have sex and have a good time when we're drunk but otherwise like I'm I mean he's at the he's like a little prince he's like at the very beginning stages of building his kingdom and he has no you know what I'm saying yeah I think it could be one of two things so I think it could totally be like you guys are only hooking up when you're drunk and I I definitely like I don't know everyone's like been there where you're like okay cool this is kind of like it's kind of like the same deal that you make you're like if we turn 40 and both

of us are like not married like we'll just get married to each other so it's kind of like if you're not interested in other people that night like you can always like you know get get jiggy with somebody that you already have been with but at the same time i think like sometimes drinking i mean really drinking really lowers your inhibition and like you can sometimes be more honest and upfront like my boyfriend when we started dating the first time he told me he loved me the first maybe nine times was drunk and then like nine times yeah there's like oh he said it a lot and i was like please stop saying that please i was like and he tried to tell me the first time he tried to tell me sober i was like hey let me cut you off right here why don't we be exclusive and

he was like okay fine i was like just one step at a time i'll give you this right now and he was like okay i've already been doing that i'm like but we know i haven't so um but like so that at least like for us like i think we were probably a lot more honest with our feelings at that point and for him and i similar to how they were or they are him and i were really good friends so like it took kind of a level of like just taking the edge off because both of us were really afraid of fucking up our friendship because like I think I think there's also comes with like I'm very quick to like not quick to like but most of the people that I've really fallen for have been friends but I think like you that tends to be more of a slow burn and you get to be a little

bit more guarded because you don't you don't you think like oh well if you haven't already if we didn't already like right off the bat when we first met like be like we're into each other like are we actually really that into each other like why is it these feelings like took so long to develop like that insecurity can come on so i i would just say like i think you need to like evaluate his sober like how he treats you when he's sober because i think if he treats you kind of just like a friend like fuck boy thing but if he's like nervous around you and like is just i don't know like that kind of like crush thing and like it's a little awkward i'd say that's probably better because that means like he's thinking like oh okay i that's what i that

what I said last night like that's how I feel but like let me see how she's kind of responding to it so I think you need to not be think you need to like let your guard down and not be cool girl and just like say how you feel sober and start that conversation and who knows how he'll feel but like I think the fact that you guys have kind of remained friends is a good sign but there yeah I think there's also I think you've got a 50 50 chance that he's yeah and I think like maybe even inviting him to do things sober yeah like hey like going to pick pumpkins like whatever it is like just like want to come along like very casual and i don't think it's a cool girl i think it's just like you know thinking of him in ways so like sometimes i feel like if girls kind of

pour their heart in a moment guys don't know how to metabolize oh yeah information so even if it's just kind of letting him know when you both are sober like hey you want to grab lunch like or whatever maybe she'll get a sense of kind of where his head and his heart is at yeah because you might just be like taking out your territory waiting for the other person to make the first move and so i think how he responds to you yeah like you don't have to preface it as a date but like asking him to go to lunch and his response there then you'll be able to be like okay do i want to tell him i have actual feelings for him like you're going to be able to tell if he has those feelings for you back um but i think yeah i think i had plenty of relationships start from

like being drunk hooking up and then like that but then i also had a lot of like drunk hookup friends that didn't go it didn't go anywhere like that so i think the in order to preserve your friendship too i would just do it sooner rather than later because it just gets messy completely it's like what if he gets drunk and hooks up with some other girl and then you're like but i thought this yeah you have to have those conversations sober otherwise no one nobody will remember and then you can't hold anyone to anything completely yeah unless you want to blackmail them kidding don't do that don't take that advice don't take that advice but uh let us know how it goes yeah i'd love to hear what happens yeah uh to be 20 i still

feel like i'm 23 did you know i'm not 23 you're not 23 no i oh i always think i'm 22 or 23 25 five weird what happened in 24 24 is a shit year I can't tell you what I was doing so I don't know what you were doing I don't know what I was doing either I think so I think too that I just the last thing like I think at that age I was so living for that other person whatever they were whether it was a fuck buddy whether it was a boyfriend whether it was someone I was crushing on and I so much of my headspace was just kind of making sure that they were okay that like I don't know I was just all consumed. So what I would say too, is that like, I do think guys kind of like, um, find it attractive when girls are like doing their thing. So like take care of yourself

throughout this thing. Like, so, you know, if you have something you want to pursue or a project you're working on, whatever it is, doesn't, it doesn't matter. I think for him to see you doing those types of things too, will kind of like make him perk up like, Oh, what are you doing over there yeah yeah because friends there can be like a lack of urgency of like stealing the deal when you're friends with somebody because you're like no they're always around maybe you're not always around maybe you're not you can lie too yeah i would always lie about like i'm out of town hella busy yeah super busy at home and you're telling all my neighbors i'm like yeah no i did that to my boyfriend i was like i'm so sorry i'm gonna be out of town he's like

i have your calendar still hooked up to my phone because he used to work with me and he's like you're not anywhere and i was like oh okay well stop being a stalker exactly that's what i was like get the fuck out of here babe deuces he still will not let it down he's like i was a fuck boy although you're gonna say he still does not leave me alone no no no i'm annoying now i'm gonna be like hello hang out with me and he's like stop talking so much um okay you're gonna be fine let us know what happens yeah would love to hear it onto the next hey megan um i'm 20 years old i'm a junior in college and I in my freshman year of college I met the love of my life like I love him more than I've loved anyone in my life I mean I don't know like I want to marry him and I just

get along with him so well we like connect on so many levels and we have great conversations we've been dating for almost two years and I'm still just madly in love with him and this past summer we moved in together in an apartment and it's been like great like I still love him like he's like obviously things annoy me but like I'm still just like so in love with him but like being on our own like you know we kind of like struggled a little bit and I guess we both started just like fast food and like not being able to like eating really afford like healthy growth sometime or I mean we could but like it was just so much to just go and get food and we've gained like a lot of weight and I've always been insecure about my body so I have recently just like changed

like the way I eat like I'm eating healthier and I'm going to the gym every day and I'm like trying to work and make myself like feel better about myself and feel healthy but he's not really following that and I've kind of become less attracted to him physically which kind of makes me upset because I really love him and I love his personality and I love like everything about him but I'm just becoming like less attracted to him and that makes me upset and I try to like offer to go like for him to go to the gym with me and offer to like go on walks together or something we have a puppy so I always ask if he wants to go on a walk and he never really wants to I make him food but he doesn't eat it and I really don't know what else to do because I

love him and i want to stay with him but i don't really know what to do if i'm not like physically and sexually attracted to him attracted to him so if you have any advice about this please let me know thank you bye oh yeah my heart oh yeah uh um okay so my first thing is i would cut yourself some slack because I don't necessarily think uh it's an appearance thing at least for me I think like it's taking care of yourself there's nothing less attractive than somebody doesn't take care of themselves also because like as um women too like you kind of like we're very good at seeing big pictures where if I'm like okay if you're not taking care of yourself right now how are you taking care of yourself in 10 years and also how are you going to take care of kids like how is

this going to be it's just it's not valuing your life it's just like I don't know I think like being very unhealthy is just it's it's selfish and in that sense when you're in a relationship you're like I don't not it's not what I want for you I want you to want to be around for as long as possible but I mean I don't even I don't I don't know how you bring that up well I think too um as a and i mean 20 years old so young and i feel like boys at that age are one still so close to the time when they were having to answer to a mom and so like when you know the girlfriend is even if she's saying it in the nicest way and from and it sounds like she's just like i love you so much like please i just feel like all they hear

is kind of the demand and just like the bossing around and the nagging. Yeah. And so I do think men feel empowered when they kind of find the answer on their own. And I don't know necessarily what that would look like in this context. But one, I would just encourage you to continue doing what you're doing and maybe settle down on asking him to do all the things with you and just see if that makes a difference because I have a little brother too where like if I tell I'm like hey you should really go to like this meditation course and he's like no and literally I stopped saying it for three weeks he signed up yeah I'm like huh yeah because like they have they have this sense they're very smart yeah it's the ego and they just like they know what they should do but if

anyone's telling them to do it it's very hard for them to do that but um yeah I completely agree with you I think her not being attracted to him is the fact that he's not taking care of himself I don't think it's necessarily the physical fully um that's so hard yeah I think if you want if you feel like bringing it up to him I think the way to do it is just having like a conversation with him and being like hey you know how much I love you and I really like value our relationship and it means so much to me i really i've been taking control of a really focusing like on my health because like i see a future together with us like i want like if you want to have kids like i really want to like be around a long time together and like i really want you to value your health in

that way too and i think if you need to say something say that i also agree i would say hold back on saying stuff i would if anything be more complimentary to him and how like i think you're so cute i think you're so handsome i love you blah blah blah because i think like it's you need to give some sense of like it might for him he might feel like if he can tell that you're less attracted to him he might feel like a lost cause like he might feel like already checked out but if you reassure him like no i still find you really attract like i still think you're so handsome like i still like i love you so much and you can give him those compliments like i'm so much more likely to like want to dress cute if someone tells me i look pretty do you mean when

i'm wearing that but like if i don't there there is a positive reinforcement that it kind of makes you like want to do that or even like i with like my boyfriend like i would just i go to the like i'm way more into going to the gym than he is but like i would just like on a saturday i'm like oh i'm gonna go work out and he's like oh what you're not gonna hang out michael come with me like come with me and come do this kind of thing and so doing that um and i would also just say i think I don't know maybe the first conversation you have with him he might be depressed like he might have like yeah something that there might be something else bigger there and uh having that conversation with him um I think would be a good one to have like just checking in emotionally

before you say anything again uh about like him exercising but then I also think there's like no better motivation for him to go work out when he sees how happy you are with working out and like how great that you're feeling like as soon as i started really getting into like working out my boyfriend was like i'm gonna go to the gym because i feel like you look real good and i feel like i don't look as good right now like i'm uh i'm gonna start going and i was like okay smart man yeah and i was like that's nice like he was like jealous of the fact that like he's like i swear to god you're fucking getting stronger than i am and then he's like jacked in three days exactly oh my they're he's like i lost four pounds by running on the treadmill for 35 seconds like cool dude

nice so happy for you that's awesome funny thing happens to girls when we work out too much we Hold on to fat. Exactly. Like, I love this. But yeah, so I think like giving him, yeah, just giving him some breathing room. Like you said, I think he'll probably end up wanting to do that. But I would check in with him emotionally first. And I would also just check your like body language and the day to day with him.

Because I remember just feeling a certain way about an ex of mine when we were still together. And it's like I would create distance. And I really think if you want to create more connection, like if he's sitting on the couch watching tv maybe you like hop on his lap and just grab his attention just be like i love you and then it's just like you know listen like i love you so much like just kind of getting into it and touching him so that he feels wantable i guess and really like showing it in that way i think could be good yeah i think it'll be good for you too because i think you you're you're holding so much um weight in the fact that you're the sexual attraction is not like is not there

but like you can be sexually attracted to somebody from not just like their appearance yes but i think when you tie those two things together i think it becomes um i think it just becomes really hard because like you can get like turned on in so many different ways not just like by abs like by like a really stimulating conversation or like if someone's so funny nothing will like rip my clothes off faster than like a guy who's hella funny i could not agree more or like anything like that yeah best of luck and congratulations on your like health journey that's so awesome fit as fuck yeah also during college i think i gained i gained 25 or 35 pounds in college 20 and i went for one year and maybe three months on to the next hi megan i'm 21 and i've been in

a long-term relationship since i was 15 and i'm happy and we love each other very much and we're kind of just i just graduated college and he's still in college so you know we're just kind of going through life together we support each other through a lot so I'm very happy there and I over the years kind of figured out that I am bisexual and I've never actually said that out loud except for right now so I've only ever told one person and it's an online friend and we're really close like we talk all the time and she was really great about it but I just don't know whether i should come out or not i don't i like my boyfriend's not homophobic and my family really isn't either but i just don't know if it will like you know make things different or

weird or you know what i mean because there is so many stigma's and being bisexual and people assume so many things of you and i have no desire to like cheat on my boyfriend or you know do anything you know like bad or whatever I just don't I don't know I just don't know whether you know and like pride was the summer and it's bisexual visibility months and it's just there's so many things and I wish I could be a part of that community but I just don't think I'm in the place in my life right now to kind of do that and I just don't know really what to do and I feel like a lot of people have this idea that like you should come out and like that's the only way to be like authentic but I just don't know if that's true for me right now and

I just don't really know what to do so if you could give me advice or maybe even just anything to help me kind of be validated in my own choices because there is so much out there that is different and everybody has something different to say um that'd be really wonderful she sounds so sweet so sweet i want to give her a hug um i mean i feel like we've said on the show so many times like you don't have to come out if you don't want to i actually have two friends who were in the exact same position who are in like crazy long-term relationships and both kind of came i don't want to say came to terms but like both started identifying like self-identifying as being bisexual and they both struggled with it because it was the same thing of being like well

i don't want this to mean i don't want this to which it shouldn't oh my god i can't ever say this word delegitimate i could have made it up delegitimize yeah like that relationship that you're in so um and both of them did end up coming out and they're both still with the boyfriends that they were with when that happened um and I think like it sounds like you kind of are recognizing that I know it does sound like you're pretty torn because you want to be involved in the community and then but you also at the same time don't feel uh as if you're in the right place in your life I think you gotta have like a conversation with yourself and figure out why you feel like now's not the right time do you feel like it's not the right time because you're in

a relationship with him and that being said do you think that maybe you don't totally see yourself with him for the rest of forever and that you'd kind of want to hold off on that for a while and then explore that later on in life or do you feel like you're not allowed to feel like that because you're in a relationship and like if you want to be with him forever then then technically if that's what you're basing this off of, then there's never going to be like, quote unquote, good time to do it. But I think that I always would say is, as long as you're in like a safe environment, like physically, emotionally, that whenever you decide if or when to come out, you give give everybody your life, like give them the benefit of the doubt that like, they're going to want to learn

like there are these some stereotypes and things like that. But if you love these people in your life and you really respect them and they respect you, like give them the chance to show you that they're not going to be small minded. But I would probably say, no, I think that's, that's spot on. And to like, so you've been with him since you were 15. And I can just imagine that you are not, you're getting to know yourself more and more and how beautiful that is. And then to be able to share that with someone that you love and is kind of part of what being in a relationship is about. So just to echo what you said, it's like, give them the opportunity to grow, you know, it's going to be, it'll be, um, interesting to see how he reacts. I'm sure that, um, there's

fear there on your part, but you know, I, we're all kind of learning the learnings that we're supposed to be learning in this moment. Um, and I just, I would encourage you to with your family when it feels right because I don't know I just think that there this is a moment in time that is really important for um women to be um just living truthfully and that doesn't mean you have to come out that doesn't mean you need to shout it from the rooftops but just making sure that you know the way you're living is kind of sending the message, the vibration out there that of what you want to attract in return. So if you're kind of holding back and not being yourself, I can imagine you might be receiving some things or people come into your life that are like, wait,

why is this happening? Or what is this challenge? So just really opening up that block, I think will, will be helpful and it and that can look exactly how you want it to look you know there's no there's no one way to to come out or live your life in that way but yeah I think give him the opportunity you know and if you're afraid of what that might mean and what that might like do and that I think like if he isn't gonna be cool with that or if anybody's not gonna be cool with that they're like it that's that doesn't change you do you know what i mean like your however much you want this like your sexuality and your gender doesn't define you but it's a part of you and it's a part of who you are and the people in your life should love you and accept you in spite regardless because

of being who you are and if you feel like you have to hide that you're gonna eventually that insecurity that that person wouldn't love you if they knew those other things it's just like any other secret if you feel like you're not being like exactly said like if you don't feel like you're being truly yourself i just don't want you to then kind of be waiting for the other shoe to drop of being like yeah you love me right now but what if this this and this and i don't you guys have been together for so long and like you he's not homophobic which like i'm not to applaud fish for swimming, but woohoo. Um, but I think you need to do what is going to make you happy. Like you have to focus on your happiness in the moment and then also focus on your happiness like five

years from now. Like that's why I try and do both when I like live. I mean, I always live most of the time. Um, but like when I'm like thinking about decisions I make, I'm like, what's going to make me happy, happy in the moment. And also what's going to like make me happy or work towards making me happy on like a five-year scale of things. So sometimes that means putting things off and addressing it later down the road. And I'm like, my brain's at capacity. I can't deal with this right now. But then sometimes it's like, okay, cool. Yeah. It's going to make me, if I give myself a little slack in the moment, then that means five years. If I do something later before the five-year mark, I'll still be good by then. So I think you just have to

evaluate that. And I think it's great that you've already talked to your friend that you have via the internet how millennial of you so great um jealous and i think there's also lots of ways to get involved in um the lgbtq plus queer community that aren't so forward-facing so you can do there's like lots of volunteer work that's like done over the phone or done by like organizing things if you have friends who are in the queer community and you don't quite feel ready to brand your brand yourself like self-identify as being a part of it maybe just be like hey can I come along and help volunteer with you? Can I use that? Like not to be like your like beard covered or whatever, but like having someone else to kind of like bring you into that community

so you can express your support as an ally until you feel like you're ready to like as like a member, which I think would be a good call. Yeah. And any one of those conversations is not as bad as you build it up to be in your mind. You know, as time passes, I'm sure just the anxiety around it can build and build. But I mean, any type of conversation where you are just more revealing your truth, I think will in the long run, just kind of take that weight off of your shoulders. Yeah. Do it when you're ready. If you ever want to at all, it doesn't matter. Absolutely. It's up to you. Okay, guys, it's time for a break and we will be right back. are we ready to hop on to the next one we are um i am 21 almost 22 and i recently dropped out of

college after my third year um college was really really tough for me i never really wanted to go i just kind of felt like it was what i was supposed to do and then i felt like i couldn't stop going because I didn't want to disappoint anybody but then I basically like had a mental breakdown spring quarter and then I had to withdraw and now I'm deciding I don't want to do it in the fall so I dropped out um which I'm feeling really really good about I know that it's what I was supposed to do and I'm not supposed to be in school right now but now I don't know what the fuck i'm doing with my life um i feel like my whole life plan has just kind of been flipped around and now i have no idea where i'm heading and i'm trying to imagine what sort of

job that i could do that doesn't take a college education and that's something that i'm actually interested in. I know that you did not go to college. And honestly, that's something that I took into consideration when I was dropping out. Just knowing that you're confident, successful, and didn't do that step that a lot of other people do. So I guess I was just wondering if you had any advice on how to cope with not being in college when all of your friends are, or, you know, avenues that I can take to try to find out what I want to do with my life. I don't really know. I just don't really know who else to ask because all of my friends are in university.

But if you have any advice, that'd be really wonderful. Your podcast is the best. I listen to it every week. I love you. Bye. Did you go to college? I did, but I don't think I needed to. yeah I think I'm not saying don't go to college I'm just saying that like and I have a brother

who is not in school anymore and I just don't know if it's for everyone and I don't think the one I just think there should be more time and space to kind of really feel whether it is for you or not we're just told you go from high school to college to real world yeah and I just think there can be more space and time maybe maybe a different form of schooling yeah will present itself for her and feel more authentic to her in a few years yeah you know um oh gosh okay i have a couple things to unpack with this so first of all i dropped out of college because i was like terribly bullied like it was like i wasn't i was able to make enough money i my the whole deal was no one wanted no one in my family wanted me to drop out but i'd been financially independent

since i was 18 so uh i was which i was i think i was like 19 when i dropped out so for me i got terribly bullied like so bad was like it was awful so i left because of that and i was able to leave because i was able to like financially sustain myself i didn't leave because like i had a better gig technically like i did a better gig because i wasn't paying for school anymore and i was making money from like doing all the internet things that I was doing. So I didn't like drop out in this like sense of confidence, like great, cool. Did it to preserve my mental health, which you said that you had like a mental breakdown and all that stuff. What I, if I had been going for anything besides acting, I would have left school, gotten an apartment and then gone to a different

college and finish my degree there just not doing the college experience because that's the thing i have an issue with i hate the fucking fact that college is doesn't just mean a fucking degree it now means a sorority and it means friends and it means living on campus means like an apartment it means like dining hall it means this social aspect of college which that's what i had an issue like that's what i couldn't deal with and that's what i had a really hard time with yeah and one of my best friends she also she's two years younger than me had the like exact same experience that i did and she dropped out and then finished school by living in an apartment and like got her degree and that's what college is but we put so much fucking pressure which the the real like

question here that you have was how to like deal with it with your friends and everything which i understand because i got i love my friends to death i got zero support for them from when i was dropping out because they were having great experiences and it came from a place of love that they wanted me to have the same experience, but I was like, it's not happening. Like, and now I have like PTSD and I'm not like throwing it around, like diagnose PTSD from this fact. Like, I don't even, I can't even walk onto a college campus without being like, Oh, I'm like, this is like, and so for me it was like, this is, I'm a lost cause of college. It's not this. It's like, yes, it was these, this, these people and this school, but it's like, I can't

do it at all anymore. But like, they wanted me to have that really good experience because they were having it so it wasn't like a judgment it was like i want you to have this too but if what you want to do requires a college degree you don't have to go back to that school and you don't have to like live on campus and do that all again you can have it like either live at home or have an apartment or do whatever you need to do and finish your degree to do whatever job that you want to do if you don't know what you want to do classes are a really great way to figure that out and like community college i understand the fact that like there is like exactly you're saying like there should be more time between figuring out what you want to do though i do find going to school is a

great way to do it but it's fucking expensive like the idea that you're going to spend four plus years and go to like two hundred thousand dollars in debt to try and figure out what you want to do it's that's not it's not feasible for everybody so doing like online classes or community college to find out what you really love because volunteer work too yeah you can do volunteer in pretty much any field there's like for example i do like big brothers and big sisters and if i wanted to help with marketing there i could so it's just do volunteer work and and figure out that can also help with figuring out what you want to do yeah because you got to just there's the dropping out of college part like i'm so glad you're feeling like confident and like great about it but like

by no means like i don't want you to think like that's like there's answer your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply no it's not there's still much so and especially like if you did go through a really rough time that like caused you to have like a mental breakdown there you also need to focus on that like there's not really a cure-all

for kind of having when you have like a breakdown and a meltdown like that like if you get yourself out of the situation it can be it's exponentially better but you still have to do a lot of like healing and figuring that stuff out and yeah the road's not done and to be totally honest it's hella fucking lonely like I all of my friends were in college and like I was going back to like my friends date parties and being like yeah I'll be your date to date party like and they all had these like I felt super left out because they had this whole experience that I desperately wanted to have that didn't work out for me and I was watching them live that and then I was there being like cool I have to pay my utility bill I have to pay all of this other stuff and I just

don't want you to regress back to like a high school kind of mentality of being like I wasn't ready for college yet so I kind of just want to go back and do like and like live at home and like I don't know what I want to do you have to take the same steps of like falling on your fucking face that you do when you're 18 19 in college and just apply that to wherever that needs to be for you now and figure out what you want to do that way but it's not gonna it's not gonna just come to you like you're gonna have to work at it and try it and figure it out um and yeah I think yeah the experience is like your greatest teacher so don't shy away from any situation that doesn't have maybe like an end goal. Like if sometimes it helped me to think about people who I admired or

who do something that really excites me, even if I didn't have the skill for it yet, but to almost like study them. And if, if you're lucky enough, be able to maybe intern for them or really just like get by their side and understand what it took to get there. And most likely it's an unconventional path which is exciting and just finding those like expanders for you um so that like you can see yourself in them and i think you are an expander for people in that way so i know you you don't recommend dropping out of college i understand that but the fact that you are an entrepreneur and that you've created this um from a low point or what you felt like a low point dropping out of school, um, is incredible. And it's incredible for people to say like,

wow, I kind of feel the same way. And she's been able to not to say that it's been easy, but I think what's so incredible now in this day and age, like you can be an entrepreneur and there are so many resources for women, especially, um, I'm just seeing because it's in front of me, like to be entrepreneurs online on, you know, like digitally, like just being very creative um and so I just would I would get dirty in it and just know that like you don't have to know what it is but I think um you'll be getting clues and messages all along as you do the work yeah so you have to do the work you can't just wait for something to arrive you really have to do the work in order to get the messages yeah yeah true what makes you happy right

now or the idea of what makes you happy might not be that and that's the thing when you when you're kind of like your own boss and your own you you have all this control because college as much as independence like it's very structured independence now that this is all on you you have to push yourself out of your own comfort zones like you have to do stuff that you might not be like oh this doesn't seem that fun this doesn't seem that cool doesn't matter like you dropped out of college you gotta fucking try it now like you have to push yourself to do all of those things because that's how you end up finding the things that you like usually the stuff that you dream about and you fantasize about you try it one time you're like fuck this this is terrible i hate it

and the way that college pushes you out of your comfort zone you have to do that for yourself and that was something that i that was like a really that was like a struggle super struggle for me and i mean that's how i like made a lot of like my friends in la was like one of my best friends lily you guys know lily um i had no friends in la i had terrible social anxiety but here i am being like do you want to have no friends like you have to fucking do it and i remember asking her to like hang out after we did a work thing together one time and she was like sure cool whatever and i was like oh yeah she doesn't like she's like this is not a big of a deal to her as it was to me yeah but like if i had never done that like but if we had been in class

together at school it probably would have naturally happened i would have had to talk to her because we had to do a project together but you have to put yourself in those uncomfortable positions which is really hard to do but you just you got to do it and then i think on a day-to-day get um get a planner and like fill your fucking days with shit to like learn take a coding class take a photoshop class be an intern like do all of these things share is amazing love skillshare and like do all of that stuff figure out and then through all of that like get a get you get a job get something that forces you to wake up in the morning because i for as depressed as i was in school and i've like clinical depression but like situational depression that i experienced in college i

thought i would leave and it would get better but there's a sense of loneliness there and you also need to like don't let whatever happened there that made you feel like you needed you wanted to drop out which don't fall you for it all because i did the exact same thing that you can't let that follow you like you need to then take control and do all these other things and fill your day and focus on what you want to do and maybe that means that you need to take a couple more maybe it means you need a degree like you're going to intern for somebody or be like an apprentice to say, well, I hate that word apprentice now. But then you'll find out that they're like, you know what, if you want to move up in this, um, in this sector of like,

whatever this job is, like, you're going to need to get a degree and you can get that done. Like, I mean, and even for me, like I finished school, but, um, I got a degree in something that I'm not working in at all. My degree's in biology. So it's like, I, once I figured out what I want to do I happened upon it when I just took a class for fun that a screenwriting class and then after that I came out here and worked on student films like a bunch of them to figure out if that's exactly what I wanted to do so you just got to put yourself out there and see and try things just try new things you're allowed to fuck up and fall on your face even though you consider dropping out of college kind of a failure I felt like I was under a microscope a because I was like

in the public eye so people knew but also with like my friends and family like it I I also wasn't super forthcoming about why I dropped out for a while because like everyone's like oh she's like crushing it on YouTube and Instagram that's why and so I felt like I kind of had to be I was kind of like I felt like I was a success story already even though I'm like you don't know why I dropped out it was not because I was like crushing it and successful but you're allowed to fail post that like you're allowed to like don't let anyone tell you that like oh if you take an internship you better like really like this job or you better really like this job because you can't like quit everything that you you can't keep quitting everything halfway through because that queen

me never finished like never did any fucking sports team i do one day and i'm like hate this done you're allowed to like figure out what you want to do by trial and error and if you put so much time and effort like thinking about it and researching without any like in-person practice work with anything like that you're gonna get there with whatever job you've decided is your dream job and you're gonna hate it yeah you have to let yourself fall on your face a bunch of times and make mistakes and even if it feels like you're the only one doing that because your friends are in college a they're making they're falling on their face in college because they're drunk but they're also making mistakes all the time and then they'll graduate college and i don't know

any single one of my friends who is working in the major that they had like there are so many maybe literally nobody like there's so many career shifts and i have like friends who even in their like mid to late 20s are having career shifts and things like that and you're kind of just a little bit you're in the real world now and they're in that like pseudo real world of college so you kind of just gotta figure out there plus one last thing i would say get a job with other young people so i had my friend when she dropped out of school she had always worked in retail went back to a retail job and she was able to have friends her age who are also in the same place that she was because like you can't just hey i don't know if your parents are in the picture but you can't

just hang out with them you can't try and create a secondary community that's not just going back to like your high school friend group and that stuff so create like an adult life wherever you're living now if it's a place that you had your like teen child life so you can have responsibilities friends and you create your own social circle so you're not feeling as left out which i did not do and I would highly recommend it because I was so lonely. It is lonely. And I just would say like, don't settling sends the wrong message to like your life. Like whoever, whatever is listening, whatever you believe in God universe, whatever you believe in, it's just like, it's sending the wrong message, whether it's in relationships, career, any choice, just, I think you not

settling for something that does not align with what your values are, what you want to do is a really good start so just keep doing that and i mean you know yeah okay are we on to the next i am 21 years old um okay long story short hopefully um i have i met my career my husband and when i was 14 years old fell in love with him was crazy we broke up he got together with this stupid girl broke up and then we got back together we got married and then he's in the Navy so we got stationed like 4,000 miles away from where I am from which is Arkansas and basically not even a year into our marriage he decided to text his ex-girlfriend and I caught him doing that um he basically told her how much he loved her and how he could you know not ever

love me as much as he loved her yada yada and the thing is is that we looked literally exactly alike and we would probably be best friends if I didn't hate her fucking guts um so then about a year or two goes by um we try to get over that but you know it bothers me I have a depression disorder, and anxiety. So that just gets worse and worse. And then finally, he goes home, and he cheated on me. Didn't find out that he cheated on me until later on, but then he decided that when he came home from his trip from Arkansas,

he wanted a divorce. So I found out he was cheating on me afterwards with a girl that's 4,000 miles away. so um basically we you know got we left each other i went back home for six months and then he decided he's like hey um you know i'm coming home can we talk blah blah and so he came and we talked and you know i was never over him because you know i've been with him since i was 14 which is probably stupid but you know um so we got back together and now I am living in Washington. I've been living in Washington for about five months now. But the thing is, is that, you know, the whole situation, like, I still worry about him talking to her. And

it still hurts. Like, I still think about it all the time, because, you know, he likes me over and over again. And it's just kind of hard to know the truth. So I guess my question is, how do you get over it um or can you get over it um i really appreciate you and i hope this gets on air it's my second call so um i love what you're doing and i've watched you since i was like 12 so uh thank you um thank you so much for all those years that you've watched me and loved me um you might hate me for saying this and other people might hate me for saying this i know you've been in love with him since you're 14 but he sounds like a fucking idiot and like 100 there's no part of this call in which we started going to couples counseling he's like realized that he's all of these issues

with this and like we've been able to move past it like we didn't get back together until i was fully over it like he apologized like even that something as simple as that that that wasn't here and even if you want to call back and say that that happened the fact that that's not in your initial call and your call was like three minutes long and it's like a checked out kind of mentality you don't want us to like him you're not painting him as a good guy um uh depending on uh if this episode comes out before after the girl who uh described the guy who murdered somebody as being a good christian man she could even defend a murderer and you're not even like trying to talk up your husband in a way that's not gonna make us hate him so your subconscious wants us to tell you

that he's a fucking dick he's gonna do this again you deserve better and that that you need to get out of the situation otherwise you would have desperately tried to tell us how good of a guy he is which we've had we've had people call in with cheating issues and the defend defending their their their significant other as they talk about it and the fact that you didn't do that you're yeah you're not you have no reason to get over this because he has not given you one at all any sort of like prolonged lie or any sort of cheating like that that's for an extended period of time that's not uh that's not a mistake that's not like a one-time thing and that's also because it's long distance we've said this so many times you only know so little of

the whole truth of it and you have nobody because he's in the navy is that what it was yeah you have nobody on like on your side like defending you or looking out for you from where he is so the only truth that you find out and you know you have no one to cross reference and check that with to know like is this all that there is anyone who's comfortable like i i mean i'm i'm personally usually a believer in like once a cheater kind always a cheater but even in instances where that's not true that's because those people have moved past that before they started again and you guys didn't do that yeah and the thing is too with this girl that he cheated on you with it wasn't even like he went back home to arkansas yeah to cheat on her yeah and cheat on you with

her it's not just physical because he texted her yeah he like that that was a complete emotional thing the shit that he said to her about you isn't just to get a girl into bed like that's not the shit that you say if he just wanted to like get his dick wet there's fucking vaginas everywhere the fact that he went to somebody who knows he's married who knows you i'm assuming knows you cause she's been an issue. Yeah. And you guys have been together since you were 14. So how old were they when they were dating? Yeah. Oh, I just, 14 is such a formative time. If I think about myself, I'm sure you can think about yourself at that time. Yeah. Transition lenses. So you are actually, I think like actually living from that 14 year old subconscious, like it's, it's there.

I don't know if you've allowed yourself to kind of move on from there because I don't think he is the type of guy to help you evolve. And that's okay. I mean, I do believe that people come into your life for a reason and you're supposed to learn certain lessons for a reason. I'm sorry this happened because it's heartbreaking. However, he is telling you very clearly through his actions how much he cares about you and how much he respects you. And I don't know you, but you deserve so much better than that. Um, and, and I can just, I've talked about this on my podcast, but, um, I cheated on my long-term boyfriend and it was very, although, you know, circumstances are different I didn't want to be in the relationship and I was acting out yeah it's a

self-sabotage it was a complete self-sabotage um in my case it happened like a little bit later in my life and for me now I know how to communicate in the moment for him maybe to sit you down and just say like listen like my heart is not in this anymore like I am I'm so sorry I can't even describe why, but, and like the sequence of events to make cheating happen just means he has zero tools to be able to communicate with you. So I just, it's not worth it to, I don't think it's worth it to make it work. Um, and it's, it's not cause I, this is kind of like my, with my friends, I will say when they're dealing with like shitty boyfriends and stuff, which I'm like the first one to tell my friends like your boy like the guy you're dating is I usually try and get it in

before they're official so I can like say it right off the bat um yeah it's a fucking loser and it's treating you like shit and you really need a fucking friend to talk to this about and if you guys have had issues before which I've I've had that struggle where I've had a hard time opening up to my friends because I've dated people who've like done some super shitty things and then we've moved past it but then I get self-conscious talking about issues your friends love you regardless if he's treat if the guy who's treating you well your friends will be able to decipher like what is a serious issue and then your good friends were also like my friends asm will constantly if i complain about mods with something asm sometimes will just be like no okay i feel

like this no you're being fucking annoying and i'm like oh this is my fault like yeah it's your fault no like oh but you're my friend why are you telling me that it's my fault but that's like what a good friend will do so you really need to talk to your friends about this you need some good girlfriends and i think the isolation issue with you being like going along with him uh him in the navy is also another reason why he feels like he can treat you like shit because he feels like you're an accessory um but oh so this the thing i was saying before this is this tell the story that you just told us is not the fucking story you will hear a grandparent ever tell anyone about how they met their husband or wife nobody has this is not a happy ending

this is not a good story you will not meet a couple who's like well yeah and then he cheated on me you told me you didn't love me and now we've been happy married for like 45 years and never happened again this isn't a story of how two people get together this is like the story this is the first 20 minutes of a romantic comedy the girl's heartbroken she goes to a coffee shop she like lives her life she dyes her hair she meets somebody else she takes a yoga class and like that's what this is like the this is the beginning of a movie this is not the fucking happy end and you just any other person that you've been with or you'll be with this this won't happen like this isn't this isn't the typical shit that you deal with in a relationship

they're like oh no everyone says relationships are hard yes relationships are hard but like this isn't the pile of shit that you have to deal with nor should you deal with at all and if you love him and you care about him which this is like the other like reverse way of giving you this advice if like you're not going to take that advice if you love him and you care about him you are doing him a disservice by letting him treat you like this because you're making him into a shitty person which that sounds like a harsh thing of saying like you are doing this because you're not he's putting himself in this position but you're allowing him to treat you a certain way which therefore makes him think that he can be that guy and that's a shitty guy and do you want

that for him like do you want him to be a do you want him to have happiness i fucking don't because i think he's an asshole but like if you still really have this love and these feelings for him then preserve him as a person and don't don't accept this shitty behavior because i promise you he's if he if you hopefully when you guys break up which oh my god if you lived in california i will come help you pack your shit up in the middle of the night we can drive around just shirtless here yes oh my god you've got i will help you i won't be good at taking you out but i bet we can find people who will take you out and like you you you're not gonna like you're not gonna find somebody else who's dealing with this and then he dates another girl after this they're not going to

put up with this shit like don't don't be don't be the one who don't look back on this and realize how much time you spent on somebody who wasn't giving you the time of day and exactly like you were saying like i he's giving you he's telling you exactly how he feels about you via text message to his ex and showing you with his actions and those in the moment it's the moments in which he's not under the microscope and he's not looking over his shoulder as how he truly feels about you not when he knows you're paying attention not when he's in the doghouse not when he's trying to earn you back how he treats you when you think everything is going okay that's how he's going to treat you forever not when he's trying to win you back that's not you can't just like make a 180

when you know that shit's hitting the fan like that's not how it works you have to treat me well all the like you have to treat me well when i don't i'm not asking you to do it that's what it needs to be. I fucking hate this guy so goddamn much. And I can imagine you're scared to be by yourself and single. And I just, I, I've been single for a long time now and it's been the most transformative time in my life. And I'm not saying everyone has to be single for a long time or be single, but it's more so what you do with it. So I really think this is an opportunity for you to get to know yourself a little bit better, do things you haven't been able to do or focus on because you've been so wrapped up in his life and moving for him and being with him

it is really an opportunity and i'm actually very excited for you if you do break up with him i mean this is like the beginning of your life it's the beginning of your life so yeah it's there you leaps and bounds you mature as a human when you're single like the amount i took a break from dating so i've just gotten like a terrible cycle of dating terribly terrible people and i took a break for like almost two years where i didn't i think i went on one date yeah and i think that actually the end of like the two years i think i took a year and a half not a single date not texting like nothing like not hooking up with anybody like dry as fuck in my but i mean i mean i'm i'm i'm i was good with myself but like you were learning yourself more oh loving myself yeah

but um i grew up so fucking much and i also was able to like completely like strip all of these ideas that i had of like the people that i was dating because when you start settling for shitty behavior i went from one relationship to another and i would realize that like oh okay i'm better than this but then i would let someone else treat me like shit in a way that was only slightly less terrible and then terrible in a different way for something else and so I would just gotten so accustomed to that that I was like I need to like I need to like cleanse myself of this so I go in with fresh eyes and I like know how to be treated and I'm not looking for anything like that like I exactly you said like the the time that you spend single is you grow up twice as fast as you do if

you're with somebody else because you have to like you have to become like a self-sufficient person you have to really like understand why you do the things that you do and how to like change and better yourself at the same time and yeah and i just think about like not to be like a cheesy romantic because i'm not but like i think about the person that you're supposed to be with just like living their life in the world as you're like wasting your time with this guy and you could be going along in the rest of your life journey of being single and then meeting someone else and then being so happy and then being like why did i waste that much time like the more time you waste on that guy the longer it's going to be until you are with that person

who you're supposed to be because it's not this fucking guy yeah not at all it shouldn't be this hard it's no it should not be this hard god i want to give us an update let us know um if any other callers were listening have had any some situation similar to this would love for your advice call back in a feedback so she can hear it from not just me um and you and us so she can hear from other people hopefully like the success story other side would be great and um if you need a girlfriend dm me on instagram i'm around so sweet on to the next or is it time for listeners advice we're workshopping the title well i mean it's like the same segment but yeah we're just trying to

it's cute keep it fresh keep it fresh keep it real yeah yeah it's when listeners call back with uh advice um sometimes it's counter or sometimes it's agreeing with the advice that we gave from other callers yeah maybe someone else murdered somebody and they have that advice i love that let's collect some murders honestly i'm waiting for us to have we just yeah yeah well we haven't had someone who actually murdered that murdered no we had like a i'm gonna say like a fangirl murder like one of the people who like shows up like ted bundy like write some letters and marries him in jail i don't think she listens anymore because i was very mean um so the original call was um from the episode with andrea russet and um she it was uh the caller

that she's married and has a kid and uh wants to get out of her relationship or sexually about sex with other guys yeah she was feeling like she didn't get to uh explore sexually and she missed out and she felt like she but she still left her husband yeah and felt like he got to like he got all that crazy phase as they started dating when they were pretty young yeah yeah and so this is somebody else who has their own advice uh so i'm 23 i'm married i have a kid i've been with my husband um we dated for seven years before getting married and i actually did the exact same thing right after we got married and i didn't want to explain it to my husband talk to him about it because i knew it would kill him and i knew that it would absolutely hurt him hearing that

But before we were married and while we were engaged, he actually went through that. And I've always been the, I want to settle down, I don't want to have fun type of person. And he's more of the, let me see how many girls I can fuck, kind of guy. He's a great guy. But yeah, so he went through that, we were engaged, and it hurt me. So I can only imagine how much he's saying that after we were married, it hurting him. and when he talked to me about it he was just scared he was just really scared of making that commitment and I know the caller mentioned about how now he wants to have another kid

well I would say after we got married um and I started feeling all that stuff and I was thinking what did I do like what if I did the wrong thing like I love him and ultimately I want to be with him stay with him and I want to be in the family with these two people but what if I didn't make right decision for me I ended up telling my husband I was like hey I just need some time alone for the weekend so I'm going to hang out with some friends and what I actually did was I went and I lied to him and I went and just got a hotel room like I went and just had coffee with myself and lunch dinner with myself and I just really took that time to think to myself and it didn't hurt anybody that I lied because it helped me it helped me a lot and I think I just realized

that I was like I was scared and I was scared that I just committed my whole life to this one person and what if I missed out but ultimately I talked to myself and was like if you messed this up you would never be able to forgive yourself and if you chose the option of wanting to have fun or so to say you would never forgive yourself for missing out on the person that you do genuinely love and the child that you want to raise together and putting those kind of options between each other uh really made a big like a big impact on me it made me realize what I actually wanted and what I didn't want and it was just ultimately I really think it was just a phase and it was just the phase that i was scared about and talking about having another kid is really serious

and the fact that the woman has to go through everything and the guy does it and the woman cut out but okay you got the gist of yeah oh my god what a nice weekend alone that is my life uh would you would you do that a buyer's i feel like i do it every i do it like to be so emotionally stable no i mean i i wouldn't say that at all but i do know i do it every year for my birthday because one i just don't like when people are like what are we doing for your birthday i'm like uh virgo okay but i'm gemini moon that makes sense but um i mean that's beautiful that's what i'm talking about like spending time by yourself because i think as women we're so nurturing we're so um worried about how other people are doing and

feeling that we forget to like tune in and be like hey how are you and she like spend time by herself and she's like I'm scared yeah I'm scared so like then you can move from there instead of like this alternate reality where you're just kind of floating and like free-falling I think alone time really grounds me at least and I think that's really really good advice I don't know if it's going to produce the same yeah answers for everyone but but I think I think you're exactly right with that because she so that even the first caller and this caller too both were saying they were married or they're married and they have a kid and you feel women like you said were inherently like wanting to take care of everybody else and putting everybody else before us and when

you're staring at your kid and you're staring at your husband in the house that you're in and the life that you're living you're like do i want to fuck this up i can't think about this this is me being selfish you need to get the fuck out of that house yes don't look and that's what andrea and i had even said like where our advice like have a girl's weekend like get away and then be able to be like, okay, I'm away from the situation. I don't have these responsibilities. Let me think about this now with a clear head where I don't feel this sort of like pressure. And then at the same time, the pressure on either end, it's either, this is the pressure that's making you feel like you have to say, but then also the pressure of being like, oh, I'm here right now. Oh my God,

what if I don't want to stay? And you walk away and you're like, oh no, I do. Like, I do want that. But I just felt like put into a corner and I wanted to make the choice for myself as opposed, like, well, one of the scariest things ever is just feeling like you don't have a choice. and then when you think about the fact that you do half the time you're probably going to choose what you already had but you're like oh i just i wanted to be the one to choose it yeah i didn't want to feel like it was expected of me and uh yeah our original advice to her too was we thought some of the kind of resentment and jealousy she felt for her husband's like being able to uh like like had hooked up with all these other girls is the fact that like maybe and even this girl

saying the same thing of like women have to do so much more when it comes to kids and like maybe there's a resentment with like a parenting and feeling like you're so much more responsible um but i think also like i am not i don't like i'm not married but i also i don't want to get divorced if i got married but i'm also not afraid of that like i think like there i don't really necessarily believe in soulmates or one person for like everybody i think like it's the same reason why like monogamy doesn't work for everybody like we all grow and change and evolve and like you can have really fantastic wonderful relationships whether they're just like boyfriend girlfriend or girlfriend girl like any like queer straight whatever you can have great

relationships that can like satiate you and you can love them for a certain period of their life they don't have to blow up they don't have to be terrible and end in an awful way you can both grow and move on and do different things and i think people think about marriage in that sense of like well am i going to be happy like 30 years down the road and also as a kid of like parents who aren't i mean like my parents aren't together anymore but like even with that like i think my parents very fear very much like oh i don't want to fuck up my kids lives with all of this kind of stuff um everybody just wants you to be happy and i think you need to know you only need to know what's going to make you happy right now and if it like who knows what's going to make you

happy in five to ten years but if you live if you let all if you go into every relationship wondering if you're still going to be happy in like 30 years it's a self-fulfilling prophecy you're probably not going to be happy but if you just enjoy it and like obviously plan for the future i'm not saying like who cares if you get divorced but don't be so afraid of those things because i think when we're really afraid of change then i find that we change in a way we don't necessarily want to to like you just kind of can get like hardened and bitter which like i totally am bitter but in certain aspects but i think like yeah you just need to focus on how you feel and that's also going to make you be the best mom and the best partner and everything.

Totally. And just knowing that like you are in control, you can, you can change your relationship and kind of inject new energy and life into it whenever you choose to, you know, like I think people think when they get married or they have kids, it's just supposed to go a certain way. Like, what if like you got a babysitter and came home and we're like, babe, I am like alter ego time like did some crazy shit and he's like huh and then that kind of like inspires something in him so like

we're always in control of that stuff so I just think you know being more playful in that way you know I mean you guys are still young too I feel so behind I'm so behind I'm 31 I don't know what I'm doing wow

well that's it for our episode thank you so much for being on Lindsay. Thanks for having me. You gave great advice. You give great advice. You seem so emotionally stable. Really? I was in a fucking puddle yesterday. Oh, really? For no reason. And now you're not a puddle. You're ice.

Right? Or you're... But it's just, I'm very, like, I'm very just, like, introspective lately. I feel like a little alien, like, floating around the world. Oh, my people. You know what I mean? Yeah, Melissa's an alien. Oh, you're an alien too? I can tell when I walked up. She doesn't have a belly button. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, like, Kyle looks fine. Wait, like,

who doesn't have a belly button? Kyle looks fine. It's a great show. It's actually a terrible show, but I love it. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. Plug your podcast and your solo endeavors. Oh, thanks. Yeah.

I host the Almost 30 podcast with Krista Williams. You can find it anywhere. You can listen to podcasts. It's a blast. We have to have you on. Oh, my gosh. I've been binging it in my car. Thank you.

That means a lot. And yeah, I'm an actress and writing and just kind of navigating this planet and figuring everything out along with everyone. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions.

We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Don't I mean? just like learning so much right now so much I'm I feel very lucky I love being here in LA I think everyone it inspires me that everyone's kind of doing a lot of things you know I just am like everyone's kind of an expander for me and I'm just like I'm grooving love it it's good grooving

grooving maybe use that more are we grooving we're grooving I love this team you guys have a great team oh aren't we the best very good energy we're pretty fucking cool it's really girls no boys allowed as i say it's hard being the superior species right it is hard it is we have a lot to carry children lots of things um not all children though not all women carry children but um uh if you guys want to check out melissa and i our socials will be listed down below and if you want to call into the podcast you need some advice uh give us a call at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can email us at meganpodcast at gmail.com if you guys want to Check out our website.

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everywhere you can listen to it twice a week three times a week the same episode over and over let's do it full speed half speed no zoomed zoomed no sped up okay guys i'll stop blabbing uh we'll check you out next week don't blame me it's a production by me produced directed and edited by melissa demont post production sound by chris henry production assistant julie carley and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter i'll see you guys next week and don't blame me if your life you know completely fucks up before then oh