Don't Blame Me! - S3E5: Guest: Alexandra Tweten - Serial Ghosting

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

Alexandra Tweten, author and creator of the Instagram Account @byefelipe, is here this week to share her wisdom. We’re giving our advice on online dating, comparing yourself to others, marrying an unhonest guy, and dealing with being the ugly friend. We also have a listener sharing her own advice on psychic abilities. Follow Us! @dontblamemepod @meghanrienks @alexandratweten @byefelipe @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. Thanks to Audible for supporting our podcast. Start a 30-day trial and your first audiobook is free. Go to audible.com/BLAME or text BLAME to 500500. Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today our guest is an instagram icon you missed it earlier melissa was fangirling so hard honestly hella hard this is alexandra tweedon from bye felipe hello oh my if you guys aren't following this instagram account i mean honestly it's one of those accounts that you're probably already following and now there's a face behind it if you haven't seen before yeah can you explain to us what the account is like um so by felipe is an instagram account that i started in 2014 and it calls out men who turn hostile when rejected or ignored which is a lot of men yes as we know yeah so it's like i post screenshots of terrible messages that women get um not only

on dating apps but like everywhere facebook twitter text messages like gaming apps it's like everywhere my favorite is when they're like i'm gonna send this message to all the girls that you follow yes yeah my friend laura lux recently she did that last year um this guy sent her a dick pic and then she was like you have two minutes to tell me why i shouldn't send this to every every woman that follows you that's amazing oh my god i love it i love it it's been one of my favorite deep dive stocks i got like embarrassingly far like in like the depths of the archives the other night just dying it's so funny and even we had a caller on the episode with uh nikki limo who a guy that she dated was like then like being a complete asshole to her

afterwards and i'm like see if this happens in a day-to-day life yeah because men are the worst they really are yeah i've started saying i was like it's hard being the superior gender it is hard we have to like birth the children and also like teach you how to like human yeah like this is how you human morally they just don't know they don't know no one teaches them these no no not at all which is like so sad for how much money and like privilege and power that they have yeah but they're like i don't know what to do you're like okay giant babies exactly god terrible um well guys this is an advice podcast don't blame me um along with melissa sup sup sup what up hey hey um well this isn't a call-in this isn't it is

i just said this isn't a call-in advice show it is a call-in advice show if you guys haven't listened before and you want to call in or you have listened and you just some shit's hitting the fan in your life and you want some advice give us a call at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can email us at meganpodcast at gmail.com and we're about to give some advice to people and you can we can we can be don't worry you can be mean

if you need to be mean all right I usually feel like I need to be mean a lot of tough love needs to happen cunty as you like to say I'm a little cunty everyone should be a little cunty good gotta regain the power of that word yeah like it's good to be a little cunty yeah ready I'm

ready my body is ready Hi, Megan. I'm 21 years old, and I'm in my last year of college. I don't have a boyfriend right now or even any potential prospects, which is kind of where the problem comes in. Every guy I've liked in the past has been completely wrong for me, and to be honest, I've liked guys who I haven't even dated more than guys that I actually have, which I'm sure a lot of people can relate to. I've been single for a long time now, and I just can't seem to find anyone I have an emotional connection with lately. my friends say that I'm too picky and I think I am kind of picky but for me it's all about just how I feel about a person and I just haven't really had that connection with anyone recently I've been using some dating apps mostly just for fun but I'm wondering if maybe it wouldn't hurt

to actually go on a few dates I have a couple friends who have had successful dates from tinder so maybe I should give a shot but part of me is like no if it's right you'll meet someone in person when you're supposed to so i guess i'm just wondering if i should start actually trying to look for dates and actually try to play in field a little bit or if i should just kind of wait and see if i meet someone who i have a connection with i don't know i think a lot of people might be in the same situation so any advice would be super helpful i love your podcast you have to get on dating app yeah i mean where the fuck else are you gonna meet somebody i mean yeah i dating apps but i think i think they're kind of like almost on the way out like dating yeah are people i don't

know are you in a relationship no okay do you use dating apps yes and do you feel like they're on the way out though well i don't know i mean i use them but it's like a game yeah like candy crush like anyone who's on the dating apps they're just going on so many dates and they're just like in it yeah and i don't know it's like being a professional dater i mean i will say i think there's varying ways you can use dating apps like i've had friends who two of my best friends they've had like like they are some gung-ho commitment people and they both had like had their single phase gotten out of relationships really like enjoyed it played the field in like a casual way like going out to bars with their friends and like no pressure like not trying to get like

locked down or anything like that um which i guess is not a great term but like not trying to like settle down with anyone yeah and and so then when they decided they wanted to date people they went on dating apps and they took it like a full-time goddamn job yeah like it was their scheduling was impeccable yeah the younger one was doing it was like two a days i was like dear god no because she's she's a Virgo she's very great time management like she's so like it was insane and they both ended up meeting people and like it was great but for her it was kind of like the the younger one she she was like didn't necessarily enjoy the process of going on so many dates but it was like she wasn't getting too invested in one person at each time that's important because then

it becomes like anybody can kind of fit that mold if they're the only you don't have no one to compare them to um even when my boyfriend and i started dating like i immediately as soon as he was like i have feelings for you i'm like cool me too i'm gonna date a bunch of other people at the same time we start dating so i can figure out if i actually like you or if like you're the only person who likes me and i like yeah i like our relationship not like i want the relationship with you like you like texting somebody and having somebody to call and like hook up with as opposed like the person but then i also have like when i had dating apps i didn't really go on dates with them but like one of the reasons why i knew my now boyfriend was single is because i saw him on a

dating app and a couple of my other friends that's been the same thing it's been like a mutual friend yeah that they've been seen on a dating app and been like oh yeah they're looking for that okay cool and then i also have a couple of guy friends who they don't feel super comfortable going up to girls at like bars or places anymore because they're like i don't know if they're single yeah but if i know a girl's on a dating app i know that she a is single and a will want to it's more likely to want a relationship than like somebody else. Like I'm only, they feel like they're going after like the right pool of people.

Yeah, definitely. But I mean, a dick's not going to fall on your lap or a vagina or whatever you want. You do have to put yourself out there. Like I think my strategy in like throughout my twenties was going on so many dates. Um,

I was on all of the dating apps. I've been on and off dating apps since like 2010. What dating app was 2010? I went on match.com. I went on Craigslist. shut the fuck up oh my god and you're still with us that this was before tinder this was okay but it wasn't it wasn't like the the shady craigslist it was like the actual like the dating section okay you wrote out a profile were there pictures like yeah okay and i met like a couple

of people but and i i was writing about it for ms magazine okay great i was an intern at the time yeah um but yeah so shortly after that i got an ok cupid and i um dated a guy for two and a half years so i mean you can find yeah you can find people on there but um yeah i so dated for two and a half years then we broke up um and that's when tinder kind of came out and that's wild ride it is a wild wild ride but you it's it makes it possible for you to you know find so many people and I met so many people that I would have never have met in real life um so yeah you can be going on like two dates a week or whatever and and that's fine but um I think really the the thing that is the best advice is to just do something get out there do something like get a hobby

do whatever you want to do better yourself and then people will be attracted to that totally that's great advice and also like get out of your like physical like your bubble that's the thing it's like if you go to the same like four bars with your same friends and you see the same people like nobody's gonna pop out of the woodwork that you like it's not like a romantic comedy you were like oh my god you've been hiding in plain sight this whole time yeah and also I would say for somebody who like if you're just swiping a lot on dating apps and also this is me giving you advice that I definitely did not take at this time but I'm not saying I wish I did because I'm very happy in my relationship but one of the issues I had also being an incredibly picky person

my best friend one time told me she's like I'm really afraid you're gonna die alone because you hate everybody and I was like yeah me too I was terrified of that I was like it's gonna happen because i wasn't not to be cocky i wasn't worried about people not liking me i was like so used to like three months into a relationship being like i hate you and i never want to see you again what happened and so but i also was the same thing as i was more about a connection and you people when they portray themselves on dating apps you're not getting the you have to go out with them to people are really bad at portraying themselves they have no self-awareness and the ones that are good at portraying themselves you meet them in person you're like you're the worst like it's not a

great representation and also like the greatest guys have the worst fucking dating profiles you're not gonna know of a connection until you get to know somebody and i'm also like i've only really dated friends like i've been friends with someone and then been like oh no i'm so in love with you and i get that like that connection needs to be there but you need to like build those connections with more people like you're not gonna have a connection with somebody at the same place that you go every single day yeah because that person probably won't show up there yeah definitely so put yourself out there try them out and bad dates make for great stories you'll get closer and closer and closer yeah but also don't get don't get anxious like or you're freaked out

that you're not gonna meet anyone because it's like don't even worry about it you'll you'll meet someone yeah don't settle it's okay to be picky as long as it's not like the list of like one of my friends has a friend who has like the longest list ever and i'm like you're gonna die alone like it's there's like a height requirement a hair color requirement like a hometown requirement how many siblings they'd have oh that's too much oh my god it like needs to be from the west coast like relatively close to like where i grew up so then when we like if we did christmases together be i was like this person doesn't exist and also like you're not factoring the fact like what if you don't like him like like these are these just like facts about somebody like a fact is not a

personality yeah so yeah as long as it's just about like the connection the feelings i don't think yeah i think everybody's picky in that sense yeah no one wants to date someone that they're like you're boring and i hate you exactly you like want to have something to talk about best of luck happy swiping on to the next so i'm 23 and i have a really big issue with comparing myself to other people particularly other women um i can take this back to i want to say like as early as G3 but definitely in high school and especially when I started dating I would compare myself to the girls that preceded me with my boyfriends at the time or you know people that they liked while they were pursuing me or things like that so I've always compared my looks I've

always compared my personal successes um you know things that they're able to do that I'm not able to do and I'm finding that very very hard on myself and while I can recognize that I'm being unfair and that you know I don't know their struggles and I only see their highlights it's still it's very hard for me not to compare myself and I'm actually I'm a teacher now it's my second year teaching and I'm starting to do it with my co-workers and the other people on my grade level I compare what I do in my classes to what they do in their classes and you know how they teach it and like I know that's unfair to me because they've been teaching for 10 years at this point and I'm literally in year two so if you have any advice about how to you know kind of give myself

a little bit better perspective and you know kind of cut down on all the comparing that I do um i would really appreciate that yeah this is a good question um i definitely have a lot of advice about this oh my god please take it away um yeah i think it's really good that you're acknowledging that you have this this problem and that it's affecting you because it's really important um and it's something that everyone does like everyone at some point like compares themselves to other people and then feels bad about it, but you have to just acknowledge that you're doing that and then change the way you're thinking. Like that's really the solution. I remember when I first moved to LA, I was working in an internship and I would always compare myself

to the other people and be like, oh, they got this piece that they're writing and like, I didn't get it and blah, blah, blah. And it makes you feel really terrible, but you have to reframe it in your mind and just think um you know everyone is on their own journey if you it's actually really helpful to replace like the jealous feeling with um just trying to be happy for that person and thinking about like hey if if i like support them they'll support me when it's my turn and um you know genuinely feeling happy for people that you know and your friends yeah um but you have to consciously recognize it and then change your way of thinking yeah i think i mean first of all this is like you said this is so normal like i think especially with women just in general like

from a really young age you're pitted against each other just for everything like you're you're just competing and whether like that pressure a comes from just like society in general but also like parents and teachers and like things like that and like i i've got adhd and i didn't same my parents wouldn't medicate me when i was younger and like i would constantly have like teachers and be like comparing me to like well see do you see how this other student did it and because i was self-conscious like they didn't necessarily mean anything bad by it but because i was self-conscious about the fact that i couldn't like focus and stay on track i then would resent these other people for what i deemed being smarter than me when in reality they just like i was at like a

learning disadvantage but i think the thing that i've found um that also really helps is just talking about it like you seem like you're you said that you're aware of the fact that people are posting their highlight reels one of the most liberating things in the world that you can do not saying like make a self-deprecating joke because like that's totally my brand which isn't totally like healthy all the time either but the second that you can just like be upfront and honest with one of those like one of maybe some of your work with like i just want to be like come clean to you like i've been feeling like so jealous of like your teaching style and i am so inspired by what you do and i think like everything you're doing is so great and

i just and you can even apologize like i want to apologize like if i've been kind of like treating you in a way that it's been a little uh like hostile it's just because i've been really jealous of all of this stuff and i guarantee you you do that in any circumstance someone's gonna be like oh my god why are you jealous of me like if i see these things in you like this is something I would have never assumed that you were like anxious or felt inadequate in like any thing at all. Like I was talking to, I like made a joke about like having like crippling social anxiety. It was like one of, I was with one of my close friends and then one of her friends, her friend was like, wait, you have social anxiety. And I was like, oh my God. Yeah. I'm

a mess. My other friend's like, oh yeah, she's a emotion. Like she's like a complete mess. And she was like, oh my God, that makes me feel so good because I literally thought that you had it all together. And I was like, that's so flattering. Like, thank you so much that you thought that but as soon as you start talking about that kind of stuff I think just in general people put on such a brave face and everybody wants to look like they've got their shit together the second that you are like hey by the way anybody else out there like I don't really have it all together you're gonna be like 40 people going oh my god thank god someone finally said it I don't either because you're comparing yourself to not it's like it's like you don't

know that you're not in that those aren't real people like you're you're you're putting everyone on a pedestal and you're glamorizing like this is what I'm comparing you're not comparing yourself to your ex's girlfriends you're comparing them to an instagram profile and like five pictures yeah and you're not comparing these other teachers like based on like their actual specific merit you're comparing like what you see and that and people people hide their flaws like actively i covered like lots of this today we all do same and yeah you can't just really try not to compare yourself to other people just say to yourself they're on their own journey they're at a different place and like you can't control like yeah you know sometimes someone else might be having a

great day and you're having a bad day but then other days you're you're like having a great day so it's like and you'll never stop like yeah no matter where you get to be there's not going to be a point in which you will feel totally satisfied and you'll feel like you're at the top and that nobody like that you're winning like it's an ongoing uphill battle that is gonna be so fucking exhausting so now just know like do i want to spend the rest of my life comparing myself to other people yeah or do i not because there's always going to be someone that you want to compare yourself to but then also know you're also in that narrative of all these other people and you don't want your friends like think about the people that you really care about and you love

do you want them spending their time comparing their lives to yours when you could be like actually some of these things aren't that great i wish you weren't like feeling bad about yourself because of something that i was that i'm doing to kind of like boost what it looks like from the outset yeah and think about all the people that are probably jealous of you oh yeah yeah like that's how it works like it's like there's this terrible account on instagram that i love called celeb face and it's just pictures of celebrities who photoshop their pictures and like and like in the most ridiculous ways like the people that you consider yourself like you consider to be those beautiful people in the world there was something like a obviously it's

sad but there's something also like a little bit like oh wow this doesn't change for anybody like even like victoria's secret models like they want to photoshop like their right eyebrow slightly higher than their left like yeah everybody feels those things so just know that you're not alone in it but it's not it's not productive and it's not going to make you do a better job at anything yeah i think the thing that has helped me the most is like consciously taking note of it and then saying like no i'm not going to be jealous i'm going to be happy genuinely happy for that person and it's helped a lot yeah i think you'll be good you got this best of luck crush it live your life okay on to the next i'm 22 years old um i i'm currently engaged

oh i've been engaged to my fiance for a little over a year now we've been together in a relationship for two years um so yeah we're planning a wedding it's really exciting um but one of the big hurdles that we have still in our relationship is figuring out how to to overcome like on dishonesty and i don't mean that we lie to each other but there are times in a relationship where it does happen in small occurrences like if something happens at work and he doesn't want to tell me then he just doesn't bring it up and it's not like he's telling me something different that then that didn't happen but he's just not telling me things does that make sense I hope that makes sense um but yeah I I feel like it's something that we should figure out now and we do try to talk

through everything we were very honest with each other with the majority of the stuff that we that we go through um it's just every once in a while when these small little things come up and it's usually because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings um he doesn't want to make me upset or make me worry about something i don't need to worry about or that's not necessary for me to worry about um but it is something that we struggle with and it is something that stress like puts stress on our relationship and i don't want that to go into our marriage when we're you know actually married um well i mean it's it doesn't seem like like that big of a thing but but i'm really insensitive okay no but no no take it away take it away oh i was just gonna say uh i mean

the lying about things is like something you're definitely gonna want to deal with before you get married yeah like you gotta you get the you gotta get that squared away yeah you sound like the way nicer version of me caller um this is like what this is like what i in relationships like my boyfriends would have wanted me to say when i like talked about them lying to me but i'm more like the you're a lie that you're a lying piece of shit and you need to figure this out so you the thing is is like the lying about not wanting to hurt somebody yeah is the lying is what hurts and that's something for me like somebody trusted honesty is like the biggest thing ever i mean as you can hear on the podcast i'm just so i'm i am i am too honest i am honest to a fault you ask me

how i feel about something i'm gonna say it and also like i can't i don't like lying and hiding things like my ex-boyfriend texts me and i'll like tell my boyfriend but by the way i just want you know my ex-boyfriend texted me and i'll be like why why are you telling me i'm like i don't know i just felt weird not telling you he's like oh okay i don't need to know that yeah but like there's like for me like that's like i would rather yeah overshare i would always rather overshare and i think the thing that i've learned is if someone's comfortable lying about small things they tend to be comfortable lying about big things and just because these lies have been smaller right now a these are the lies that you know about and b that these are just the instances

in which they happen to have been small but lying is a habit yeah and it's in it's just an issue because it's it when when you get used to even white lies it just means that like when something happens your automatic reaction isn't to tell the truth like you have that one to three second delay that you decide what you're gonna say yeah and like how you're going to like spin this or whatever and so you personally the thing that i've learned through this is like the only thing i like wish there was a way to like snap make it quick but the only way is time like it needs to be like okay here was the period in our life and where you lied about things and sure it was to protect me and to like not hurt my feelings but now you know that what really hurts my feelings is the lying

and also if we want to be married and have a family together like these decisions you don't get to withhold me from them or like these life things like we're a team like yeah we have to make decisions for our family together like we have we're gonna be a unit and you don't get to protect me from something that i'm legally like abounding and you need to have time and separation from that so then that becomes a period in your life where that was happening and then you have another period in your life where things are going a lot better but you need like you need the time so it's like in the past so it's not like there's no because i don't think there's a way to there's not a way to gain trust until the situations occur and he makes the choice to tell you the truth

as opposed to just hiding it from you yeah i think you definitely look into therapy because you're gonna have to work through this with a lot of communication and talking to each other about it yeah and probably with the help of a professional and um yeah letting him know that like, Hey, if you tell me the truth, I'm not going to freak out or, you know, um, working through it. Yeah. And it's just, we, I, I implemented this thing of being like, this is like, I'm like, okay, so I know you're lying right now about something or you're hiding something. You've got five minutes just to tell me what it is. And I'm not allowed to be mad at you. Like, I'm going to be happy. You told the truth kind of a thing. And that

was like that. It helps. Like you have, but it's again, it's a habit. It's like the same thing it says anything it's it's a habit that you get used to and get comfortable with and it usually comes from people who either got punished a lot and like were really afraid and like needed to hide when something went wrong or never got punished and have this huge fear of someone being mad at them and i think you need you're allowed to be upset and angry uh with him and not hurting your feelings is the first time excuse but it's not like a constant thing yeah because if you can't learn from this that's also right now it affects you but if you get married that affects your kids and it's oh why like you know i mean like that's just i at least that's my thought

of being like i wouldn't be in a marriage unless i was comfortable being like you're gonna be someone that like not only can i count on and trust and know that like you're not hiding anything from me and it's like completely honest but i'm not gonna do that to like humans that don't exist yet yeah or like do exist and aren't in my life yet to like be kids or whatever and like have you have that presence on them too so i say couple therapy and then especially before you get married wait i mean what did you plan the wedding can you wait like i just don't also again coming from somebody who like i am you girl we are the same you're just nicer um there's a lot of like there's a lot of resentment there and you then once you've been lied to enough times you start to look for it

and then there gets to be and also hopefully i'm not fucking alone on this there gets to be kind of this high when you're right so sometimes you want to be right too because you're like no no i need to like be satiated because i know i'm not crazy yeah and you need that all of that dust needs to settle because even you don't want to get into a marriage with him trying to earn trust back it needs to be like we're good now everything's fine so i would hold off on it because also isn't planning a wedding like super stressful that's not gonna be he's gonna lie to you about liking the flowers he's gonna lie about other little things yeah go to therapy like asap yeah like right now yeah he doesn't need to tell you if he like my boyfriend i asked him if he like

dyed my hair and i was like oh it's really like i'm not sure it's like super blonde and he was like whoa and i was like okay that kind of hurt my feelings he's like i don't really know what else you wanted me to say and i was like maybe cool and then i was like so this is the time in which like you just need to be like it's great yeah like i'm like you can even just like just that if you like it then i like exactly but yeah he just made it for boys are also just like stupid sometimes like what i didn't i don't i don't i don't dislike it i was like well do you know how to say that you like it yeah but yeah so you know it's gonna be okay you just gotta have some have some give it some breathing room so you don't murder him in his sleep no she's nicer than me

i'm not gonna do that and then hide the body and then oh my god we have to we have to yeah fill you in we gotta fill you in on a call we had whoo okay guys it's time for a break and we will be back very soon okay everybody we are back from our break i hope that was good for you god that went dirty uh okay let's play the next call so i'm 22 year old and i'm calling because i wanted to get some of your advice on um this kind of topic i feel like when i go out with my friends I've given my friends um and I like to feel like we're all beautiful but there's some nights like this last weekend where I met the CJ and I really liked him I thought we were vibing

and the second he met my beautiful beautiful best friend I saw his attraction and attention go towards her immediately even though she wasn't asking for it and she wasn't really trying and And as much self-esteem I can have for myself and love and acceptance and knowing how smart and beautiful I am, it does hurt me to have that happen and to not have it happen just once. Almost like being the best in a way that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I was wondering what your advice was coping with being the ugly friend sometimes, especially when it comes to dating. i mean that makes me worried like if i do find a guy i like so i just thought being a beautiful best friend until later um you know you think i used to exclusively date my best one of my best friends her like sloppy seconds and guys that she wasn't into in middle

school because she was i mean she's still gorgeous but like she was like you know like when like no offense of any middle schoolers are listening like there is such a it's middle school it's black and white you're either like yeah so pretty or like you have transition lenses and you wear like rainbow toe socks with flip-flops and a tiara to school every day me um and like there's no in between you know like there's like you're either like like how are you in middle school you are beautiful like there is no like in between and so she was that um she literally looked like alexis bladel from like sister the traveling pants like she's greek and she's just like fucking gorgeous and i used to just like literally exclusively date with the guys that she wasn't

that into and afterwards um i i mean this is like it's like kind of like the last call it's yeah the comparison it's a comparison and it's also it's nobody thinks that they're hot shit all the time no and even the friends that you're like wow she's so pretty and she's like not even trying i guarantee you there's moments where she feels that about you yeah and also not to make this about the guys because like a i think you really do need to work on the self-esteem thing um but like you're not attracted to every like you can find somebody like attractive but you're not into like you mean like there's not not every guy a don't date djs like it already was like that was a bad idea that's the first that was like no djs no fuck the d no don't fuck the djs no be done

with them musicians no don't do that either drummers no no no no no no no no no and surprisingly wall street a lot of coke don't do that one either um surprisingly i don't know i didn't go to college i guess i mean i already didn't watch any of those shows either but i i think like know that that's anybody who is into you and attracted to you like you can find other people attracted and not be attracted to them yeah also the most attractive thing ever is confidence even if you kind of have to fake it it really really is like and you don't want to date anyone that's not into you yeah or who's into your like yeah who like that's a deal breaker yeah like he automatically has like a one no he has no ties to you right now but he had a wandering eye if he

was already talking to you and that's like there's no there's just not time for that like and also no you know hot girls roll in squats like your friends would like you see like really really beautiful groups of women their friends are all really like gorgeous beautiful people and that's something like you don't need you're not competing with them like that's if anything that's like such a twisted way of making these guys not look like jackasses yeah like your friends aren't doing anything and you know that your friends aren't doing anything but like this is a problem of like a couple outlier douchey guys yeah nothing to do with the fact that like you're deeming yourself the ugly friend yeah and like neither of you should be wanting to date and any of those guys

because especially they've shown you dj yeah they've shown you who they are in the first like five minutes yeah like oh my yeah you don't want that anyway no it's it's it's not a good guy at all and yeah there's there again yeah there's different everybody has a different type and you shouldn't be worried about it yeah honestly just like try to move on right away just be like fuck that guy yeah i yeah i think you've had a couple bad experiences that you're afraid of having again which i totally get like that feels super shitty and you never want to feel inferior um to somebody that you like really love and you really care about and respect and someone yeah you don't want to ever feel that but i wouldn't i wouldn't implement like oh i'm not going to

introduce them to my friend for a while so they don't see like that's a if you need whatever you need to do to feel confident if that means like you don't really feel your best when you're like going out with your girlfriends and like flirting with guys there then maybe like go out with your friends like that but don't have that be the only way that you try and meet people if you feel like how that be the goal yeah if you feel like you're on your a game when it's just you and you're like this is my stand-up routine like i'm crushing it i'm great then meet people that way like whatever way is not going to make you feel insecure and gross yeah i think that's what you need to do i think that's a good thing i also saw this segment on the real which is my favorite show

um and it was one girl this was a she was like one of the three sisters the sister who is the bride was getting married she literally was like not drugging her sisters but like feeding them like mean girls calteen bars essentially making them protein shakes and made them each gain like 20 pounds before her wedding because she wanted yes and then afterwards yes literally and then afterwards she was just like well i mean they lost all the weight after the wedding and she like wrote a piece about it like it wasn't one of the sisters it was the girl who did it and was like yeah that's like i mean like it's my wedding day like it's important for me to look good like i don't want them to be like outshining me and they lost the weight why does it matter like

that person is terrifying isn't that crazy that is crazy i cannot imagine one of my sisters doing that if one of my sisters did that i have to smack them so hard honestly if one of my friends didn't look if i was getting married one of my friends didn't look great in a bridesmaid's dress like whether it's like color or anything i'd be like let's get one where you look like yeah where you want everyone to look good there's millions of friends to look hot always like you never i never want to oh my god and then you gotta look back on your on the pictures and they're yes they're your pictures yeah none of them are good no no and then you have your like sisters like not yeah she's got mental issues going on it was crazy it was yeah i was i was

not that's insane it was it was isn't that fucking crazy yeah like my friends can have their tits out I don't give a shit like you can look so goddamn hot I am always like when I go out with my with hot friends I'm so proud of them oh my god right like look at these beautiful women look how pretty they are I love that yeah

I mean that's what you need you need to hype everybody else up because then they'll hype you up too and you'll feel so good yep I'm 19 and a sophomore in college um so I basically got on a dating app during the winter break like last winter break but absolutely no intent of anything coming from it i matched with this guy he was a senior in

college at the time and we talked about the whole christmas break it was just flirting and hanging out because i told him that i don't i didn't really know what i was on the app for and that i didn't really want to be in a relationship um the funny thing is i was lying to him and myself so I've never had a boyfriend and every time a guy would show interest like in high school whether I had a crush on them or not

I would just freeze and shut down like I would get super nervous and yeah I mean it's a fear of being vulnerable you know letting people see that I'm not some heartless bitch

that's a whole other story four months ago no not four months ago four months go by and we kept talking he's literally the cutest person ever and has such a genuine soul I do not have one of those um so bottom line I let him scare me away and I ghosted him I basically convinced myself that we were never going to be on the same page because i was scared of being on the same page with him if that makes sense um so it's been five months and since we've spoken and he's texted me confused and hurt a couple of times many times actually and i wanted to respond but i felt like that would be the worst thing i could possibly do to someone that i was so close with and then just

stop talking to to just pop up again um so I did the shittiest thing and now I'm sitting here five months later asking for advice on how I can stop feeling so shitty and stop being so shitty um I don't want to do this with anyone else I and I want to open myself to relationships I don't know why it's so hard for me to do that I should have with him but it's too late and now I'm sitting here five months later crying over this guy who probably thinks i don't give a crap about him and it makes me sick and i just want to stop feeling this way and i want to be able to open myself up to people can she like send him this episode and be like she could listen yeah just because she still has feelings for him yeah and he probably still has feelings for her i think he

clearly does and that was very eloquent just tell him that yeah you don't even have to tell him you can just like yeah she recorded was she domestic listener yeah okay so like if you're international just send him the voice memo yeah but no i mean a you could have him listen to the podcast but um melissa and i uh we queens of ghosting we are yeah we if you if you have to identify with that like i've never no no we we agree we're not we're not doing it well like we're not we're not we don't think it's the right way no no but people do stuff and yeah but we also prefer to be ghosted so um we are also heartless bitches yeah um i think i there's i have a couple things of advice a the fact that you still have feelings for him is not something that i'm you i ever really was

used to with ghosting so i think like it's not too late i think like you're you're aware of the issue and i think as soon as you kind of let him in on the issue and like this was like what this is what i'm battling and struggling with and i really have feelings for you then he knows what he's kind of signing up for and he can also make that decision like he might be like you know what i want to date somebody who's really committed to this but like give him the opportunity to be like you know maybe we can like stumble through this together and like we can try this out and no so i say a let's make him listen to the podcast but then also there's when it if you if you keep walking away from guys that you have like actual feelings for i think just early on i think you

need to have i would i don't know i think talking to your friends about it like for me that's something like i i would ghost guys that i like just would never tell my friends about do you like because like like people really know that i'm with somebody so i would never have anyone who could hold me accountable for like a that's a shitty thing to do or also like do you like this guy do you want to talk about it so like i would just not talk about it and then no one would ask me so then i would just be like i'm not gonna think about if i have feelings or not and then i'm just gonna be done i just would make it so isolated that i was the only he was the i was the only connecting factor there was nobody else and so i think if you can like for new relationships

talk to your friends tell your friends when you're going on a date with somebody and like as frivolous as girl chat can seem it also can be really helpful to be like do i like this person like is this like my your friends can ask you those questions when you talk it out it helps you yeah discover how you feel because you might really end up liking somebody and also if you're so shut off you're not gonna know if you like somebody or if you don't because everybody's kind of at the same playing field like you're not comparing and contrasting of like well these are the traits that I like and these are traits that I don't like and I think it probably comes from like a fear of rejection too and relationships like I think at least like for me like I was

always afraid I'm like what if I'm bad at being like being in a relationship because I was like let me just end this now before like I really hurt somebody but in reality you're still hurting people yeah for me i don't do well with feelings at all in everyday life not just romantic so like when i start feeling something for someone i'll push them away because i don't want to get hurt and so it's more of a protection thing but i do know that i need to be vulnerable if i don't want to end up alone yeah that's what i had to learn my friend had a very tough love conversation being like you have to do this because i hate feelings that's my number one most thing i'd said i'm like i fucking hate feelings like it took like i want to say it took god like so much

shit hit the fan in my life and it took i think like two and a half to two years for my boyfriend to see me cry and he was like my god like i thought you were made of stone and then like there was like a week where i like didn't stop crying and i was like do you hate this now i think what you've done to me but like i just like had yeah like i'm this was very much the same way of being like i don't i would rather i would rather be the one to like hurt myself in a situation and take myself out than let somebody else hurt me because it's also a control issue where i'm like i don't want to give you the fucking control to hurt me i'd rather hurt myself and know what i'm getting myself into than like give you that kind of power but like no fucking

way to like live yeah because it also like it's yeah it sucks it sucks when you get hurt by somebody but it also it also makes you stronger after and it like and it also makes it like you can be hurt by somebody in small ways that you can like be very afraid you can be really afraid of like in a relationship getting in a fight and like every fight's gonna be the breakup and every fight's gonna be the end but a it's no matter what it's gonna build you up and like even those little fights between you and like a potential partner will bring you guys closer together make you both grow and evolve and become better humans like i'm a i still hate feelings i don't don't like not into feelings yeah but i would definitely say like i'm i grew as a person and like have

become a better person for like i don't know like going through that kind of shit like it's just not a way to live yeah at all yeah and it's not yeah i think i as someone who has been ghosted before yeah it's terrible it's so bad but it's like the thing with being ghosted the reason why it's so bad is because when you text someone you're expecting them to respond and then when they don't respond you can't stop thinking about it yeah your your brain is just like on a loop like what happened why aren't they texting me are they hurt are they dead somewhere like oh my god you're just like ruined lives you're just like thinking about it constantly because you don't have a resolution out of control with it in your brain and so the the best way to make sure someone

doesn't forget about you is to ghost them because they will just keep thinking about it the narcissistic person to me is like it's torturous right it is really torturous so like just know that when you ghost someone like that's what happens i mean i yeah and i think they're hot like my new rule on the podcast if you guys have been listening around like you can you don't have to necessarily like okay i'm not gonna tell you not to like ghost anybody in general but if you've been talking to somebody for a long enough time you have to like you they deserve something yeah and i'm not a fan of closure i don't believe in closure but here right now you're on the other end of it like you're kind of that person who other callers are calling wanting closure from

you yeah and you have that like you you you're not a dick like you're not just like i'm like obviously you're not like a misogynistic asshole like that's you are somebody who has something that could either make him be like i want to continue to try this with you or make him feel like cool this wasn't about me yeah so i think just that maybe that's your first step like you don't have to like win him back or like yeah i think this is your first step it's like kind of i ghosted you i can't take that back but like i can apologize for it yeah and give you the reason why and the fact that he's still texting you he's still thinking about you yeah so you might as well just be like hey i'm sorry this is what's going on with me this is why and then let him decide

like oh do i still want to continue this or be like no thanks it's not for me and yeah and and and you tell them that with no no i mean you can have a desire either way but knowing that that is just like the right thing to do i think it's a it's a good it's a good step in the non-ghosting which i still don't know how to do i like ghost people i'm not even i i'm i'm the worst moral of the story don't ghost people yeah even if you like being spooky because we're so spooky boo boo boo bitch get out the way is that a move bitch move bitch that's a good like halloween one boo bitch it also sounds like casper the ghost is gonna do that true it is december uh okay is it time for the next are we on to listeners advice listeners advice we're still workshopping

the title you guys have any if you little fuckers have any idea what we should call this because this section is where uh one of our callers or listeners will call in and give us some advice on a previous topic from an episode that they have some personal experience about or they just have a good opinion on or just an opinion doesn't have to be necessarily good all right so this is from the episode with andrea russet and um this is about somebody the original caller uh had premonitions and was wondering if that was a real thing and so this is someone with life experience with that spooky hi um i'm calling to comment on the episode with andrea russet where the girl talked about how she thinks she has psychic abilities

so um my family like we grew up very spiritual and so all in all um we all have gifts like that my family always called them spiritual gifts and stuff and like for me I um I have like I call them deja vu dreams where um I have a dream about something that happened is like gonna happen basically and then it actually plays out in real life like 50 at least 50 percent of my dreams like actually come true and um even with like thinking about someone and then seeing them in person and stuff um that's basically like manifesting the person into your space it's actually like i call it a superpower because it's actually like a real thing like so if she just um looks more into it and really studies up on it and um really tries to get control of it she can

like i don't know it'll really help her in life especially how like she had a dream about how um someone told her about someone getting cancer and then she saw that someone she knew had cancer like i don't know just being able to really hone in on that ability and take control of it it'll really help her throughout her life because um i'm 17 so even when i go to school like and there's somebody like that i want to see so like a cute boy or something if i want to see i would use that powerful fucking i want to see him and i want to see him after this hour because i have really honed in on this ability and really um practice it and stuff so if i think about the person i want to see them then i'll see them so i don't know it definitely is a spiritual gift she should

really look into um christianity if she hasn't because that does have a large part to play in it in my opinion because i did grow up christian so yeah that's all i have to say about that that part confused me my grandmother would be like that's witchcraft yeah i was gonna say isn't that not allowed it depends i guess wow all this doesn't make me bitter i didn't book sabrina the teenage witch um uh premonitions you have the gift or you don't or you don't have the gift also if my 50 of my dreams came true first of all i'd be so pregnant like so many kids so pregnant so dead like i only remember my nightmares but is who is it that's chasing you selena gomez so hey this is how i live my life first of all i just had a dream that i was married to like

one of the most oh my god remind me after this i have to text my best friend and tell her this because i woke up in the middle of the night and like screamed and like shook my boyfriend awake and i said this name and i was like remember this name and in the morning he was like you told me like you want me to remember a name and i was like i had a weird dream that i married some guy he said the name i was like ew why did i fucking dream that i married that guy from my like middle school in high school so literally i would be married to like so many fucking random people yeah i'd be so fucking pregnant i would have cheated on my boyfriend so many times he would have cheated on me so many times i would have been murdered and put in like a suitcase i would

have been eaten alive by wolves a wolf would have bit off my finger and i would have seen the inside and it was hollowed that was a reoccurring dream for my entire childhood oh my god i know and i was in it was i was in um it was like peter pan and i was in like the house and then uh peter came but instead of peter coming we were like on a train and then like the train was like flying through the sky and then the i was in the caboose and then the caboose fell and then i was in like these trees and these wolves attacked me and ate me and like my like fifth grade boyfriend he like tried to save me um and then i also had a dream that there was a lochness monster at my elementary school and i was trying to run and there was like a pool at our elementary school suddenly but it

was like also a creek and like everything was kind of pink and like i literally had my feet were cement blocks and i was trying to run through that i would have fallen from many buildings like tried to scream and nothing came out oh my god so much terrible terrible things and yeah again i would be so i would have so many kids i'd be so many so many pregnancy dreams all the time so but also good for you for being able to manifest like when you want to see somebody can you manifest when you don't want to see someone that's my thing i don't love that yeah like if you like look super shitty and you're like i don't want to see anybody i know the second i think that in my head i see some people i know so if i had that gift to do that i'd be like cool and also can

any of you use your psychic abilities like for good for me if you can let me know yeah let us know and i don't want to send us the good vibes anything bad like i just want you to all manifest and be like i had a vision that megan booked a great job that wasn't problematic and wasn't embarrassing and it was going to get picked up straight to series so i need to do here's the you you think melissa is going to sell the show that she's writing yes and megan i've already written a part for her yes everybody all the psychics all of you i need you all to do your your your spooky witchy things yeah and make it happen for us if you're our real friends come on yeah um well good for you and congrats on your your tapping in tap in every time when

need to tap and i just think of like a headset so she's like let me tap into that like a raven style like like hello i'm getting i'm getting a vision from above uh so i mean i was a big fan of that so raven do you believe in premonitions or like um that stuff i don't know you can say no i i mean i've never experienced it so yeah not to say that anyone else hasn't i just wish every person who had one it was like the um psychic and holes where she's just like so cool i just haven't seen it so madam zamboni or is that the thing that they clean the ice cream i don't oh zamboni yeah so maybe that's not her name it sounds kind of like that the zamboni i don't know anymore i auditioned for an ice skating movie recently uh that's probably why well okay

on that note guys that's our episode thank you so much for being on this is amazing please plug your book you please plug it and show it to the camera so you guys if you want to watch on youtube yes it's a fantastic cover i was just flipping through it the whole book this is my book it came out this summer um it's called by philippe disses dick pics and other delights of modern dating it's like the new triple d yes and um in it i give a lot of dating advice and there's just examples from by felipe um all of my it's basically like the book that i wish that i would have had in my 20s to go online dating i love that i did all of the online dating so you don't have to like literally craigslist and yeah and you can find out all of the secrets um

yeah so i have the book um you can order it or um buy it anywhere books are sold it's in all all the bookstores oh yes and oh i also have a podcast called fuck yes be single be single yeah very single i love it it's me and my co-host allison stevenson and we have usually a guest on every week and we ask them why they're single oh my god so i'm not alone i was gonna say our my friend shireen was on it too yeah and she used to be our camera oh my god yes love her oh my god pod worlds collide that's amazing oh my god fun i gotta go listen to that episode and then be like hey i heard why you're single oh she gets deep she does oh yeah people people really like open up oh that's gonna be a really great creepy way for me to yeah yeah

she talks about her threesomes and stuff oh i'm so here for that i'm gonna be subtle when i tell though so she's like what yeah wait what what do you know what are you talking about i'm like i'm just i do that all the time like i i just um talk about things on on my podcast and then uh someone will say something to me and i'll be like wait how you know that oh and they'll be like yes i listen to your podcast like oh god i mean we're just honest yeah we are and we just like are really honest with our lives just being vulnerable yeah being vulnerable i'm trying to work on that yeah uh oh and also uh everyone can follow we'll have your instagram listed down below too so people can check you out yes please it's so funny guys and if you're having a really bad day or your

friend has recently been dumped or talk it's it's one of my favorite ones to send friends i've been like as because i usually send like single it's passive aggressive zodiac memes and now i can send these ones which are a little nicer because it's more shitting on other people uh if you guys want to follow melissa and i our socials will also be listed down below if you want to check out our website for the show don't blame me dot show our instagram don't blame meme pod don't blame meme pod don't blame me pod it looks like that uh if you guys want to call in for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 and our email address is meganpodcast at gmail.com so for all of you international listeners you can email an audio file um and

yeah guys that's it for our show and we'll see you next week goodbye don't blame me is a production by me produced directed and edited by melissa demont post production sound by chris henry production assistant julie carley and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter i'll see you guys next week and don't blame me if your life you know completely fucks up before then oh