Don't Blame Me! - S3E8: Guest: Zach Kornfeld - Falling Out of Love

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

Zach Kornfeld from the Try Guys is here this week to share advice! We’re answering your questions on what to do if your live-in boyfriend offers no financial security, if your boyfriend hangs out with your other female roommate more than you, dealing with being shamed into having sex, and how to get rid of an ex that’s stalking you. Follow Us! @dontblamemepod @meghanrienks @korndiddy @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Kopari Beauty, Care Of, and, The Real Real. Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today in our quest to get all of the try guys we got zach here you gotta catch them all and you're you're wearing try guys merch i am you know i didn't realize this was gonna be videotaped so i'm like oh cool i'm running out the house let's throw on a quick hoodie no you're repping i'm repping the good thing about having merch is that your lazy outfits seem like a choice it's it's uh i'm advertising yeah and it's like revenue like you're like my laziness and not figuring out what to wear is going to hopefully make me money a quest to be a walking billboard exactly so if you guys uh are not watching it watch so you can see the merch you guys have great merch thanks me like an

embarrassing long time to figure it out well it's the dumbest thing possible we uh it was a commentary on how all YouTubers have like the dumbest call to action of like what is it? Who dabs on the haters and all that shit? Let's just stop talking about them. Who cares? Yeah, we won't start there. Those fuck faces. So we started with Horn the Homies.

Just a joke, but we're the Try Guys, so the Try Ceratops, so we got a little dinosaur. But it's in your colors too. Yeah. That's like the one where I was like, my friend was like, yeah, and I love that it's in their colors. And I was like, yeah, me too. I totally got that this whole time. Part of it is I just like,

we used to have some shirts that said like try in big letters and I can't wear that it's too like try hard try and it's like so horrifying like if I'm not in public I'm just like hey look at me I'm I'm me I mean it's confirming it is yeah it just feels too full of myself so I'm like let's do a cute logo yeah I would rather wear that and I think people would rather wear that I think it's I think it's like more fun at least me as like a fan like of things like I'm more likely to wear merch where it's like I don't want every not that I'm like embarrassed to be fans of people like i don't want to like walk around with someone's face on like a shirt so when i see people who do that unless it's like jojo siwa like i'll wear her face i want a fucking jojo

siwa shirt jojo if you're listening please send us some shirts sold out her shit is sold out everywhere it's unbelievable she's in like i think she's in kohl's as well yeah no i think she is she's like absolutely crushing you see justin bieber and yeah of course it's great the justin bieber issue oh my god melissa hi let's introduce you this telling you about jojo siwa and justin bieber jojo had the most obscene over bubblegum car with her face on it and like yes it was like lisa frank vomited and shat on the same time and dick decode a car with it yes and uh did bieber beebs tell her to burn it no so so it was why do i know that it's west coast customs who did the car like i just know you looked into getting it like oh are they selling more of these is this

more can i get this wrapped um so they posted on their instagram and he commented on that and said burn it and then she's made it into this whole thing of like burn it is like her new like slogan oh god damn it i know and then she like he apologized she's a savvy kid dude it's crazy okay guys um this is uh don't blame me it's an advice podcast where you guys call in you leave us voicemails and tell us what's happening in your life and then we uh try and help you as best we can did you emphasize try because i'm here oh no maybe i appreciate it thanks thanks it's like the one gabby and allison were uh here separately and i realized that i kept doing um i kept singing their like uh international question and i was like stealing it and using it for our thing and

they both were like by the way you know you do that wow i do i just love them uh and so the phone number for that is 310-694-0976 holy shit i remember wow that was huge yeah we've had we had a little bit of a long a little long break right a little long break a little long it's been a month it has been welcome back thanks so much and welcome you yeah well i'm glad to be here i had to prepare for this i i listened to a little bit of ned's podcast and then every time he talked i muted it to think what i would say so that i could be better than him so that's my really only goal here today if you listen to ned's podcast this one's gonna be better i also censored well i don't i don't read all that we like i will go through and like pick questions that i like

um just in general i don't necessarily know which sometimes it'll be like specific for a guest but i'll usually read like the not even the summary but like the subject of them i vetted yours a lot less than i vetted his well because he like he's a little more he's a little cleaner and has like a like a human larva yeah yeah like a like a like a baby a flesh sack that's gonna grow into a a college student someday i just felt like i was like i was very because our questions get really extreme super sexual sometimes yeah no i'm here for it i'm into it i just kept picturing ned like talking about his wife and all this stuff and then like being like like poised with this like very like gross like sex question i was like i can't do it i'm definitely grosser than him like he i

think left to his own devices he would become like the best version of uh he'd become like the best version of kevin james you know like clean comedy oh okay yeah okay that makes sense i take my pants off as whenever i can on camera and it's always the goal okay i haven't i had another segue about taking pants off but it doesn't matter we're moving on to the actual podcast oh guys yes and international colors don't worry we didn't forget about you uh you can email us an audio file at mega podcast at gmail.com and uh uh we can we can give you advice too because we know you have problems, not just in the U.S. Okay, we're starting now. Let's do it. Let's begin. Hi, Megan. I had called him before, but I was extremely drunk, and I don't remember what I said, so I'm going to try

this again. I'm 25 years old. I've been with my boyfriend for about two and a half years. He just moved in this past summer. My boyfriend's actually 31 years old, and he's working part-time at a children's hospital um every time i say that everyone's like well you're dating a doctor nope not quite so he is a like patient transfer person i guess like he transfers patients to appointments or if they have surgery or whatever the case is um and he spent the other part of his time um developing and animating a video game with his friend um the development of this video game has been slow as ever. And I feel like I'm starting to get impatient. He makes no money off of this video game yet. He keeps telling me that, you know, someday, maybe kind of thing. I say

someday, maybe, but he seems to be convinced that it definitely will be profitable at some point. Currently, I work a better job. And it's full time. And so that just means that I bring home more money than he does. He does kind of come off a little bit intimidated by that. I don't know if it's just kind of like male ego thing or age difference. He seems to think he should have his shit together more being 31 versus me who's 25. But when I tell him, you know, it's because I'm working full time and you're only working part time, you could make just as much money, you know, working full-time, he gets mad because he knows that I hate waiting for this game to take off. I want him to be more financially stable, too, or at least be at the same level that I'm at,

but I'm starting to kind of feel like maybe that's a shallow thought. I don't really know how to handle, I guess, this situation. I also want to emphasize that I have no idea about video games I've never played a video game I don't really know how long they take to make or anything like that so I don't want to be unreasonable either like I know I'm completely ignorant when it comes to it but I also want to be with someone who's financially stable I want to actually have a future with him and it's hard to picture that when I know he's not at that point yet because he is kind of a little bit older than me I also don't want to be waiting forever either any advice on any, I guess, situation and even how to handle, um, a guy who maybe feels a little

bit more intimidated making less money than his girlfriend or being even less successful to some degree than his girlfriend, at least when it comes to financials. Um, I would greatly appreciate it. A lot to unpackage there. At first I was like, Oh, this is an art question. I can like answer like how to be better at your craft but there's so much more at play yeah um i think to start uh and i mean you're the only boy here so you're gonna be you're automatically going to be out we're gonna be outnumbered in this thing because we're all probably gonna agree on it i don't think like it's not your job to make him comfort not that you're gonna feel this way but like it's not your job to make him feel more comfortable with you making more money like

No, not at all. And like, I also, I have a huge problem with like anyone that thinks that that, I guess that dynamic can't exist healthily. Like that's so stupid, but it sounds like part of the problem is that she wants him to make more money. Which I also think is like instilled in women in general that like, you're like, I don't necessarily think that like, A, I don't, I won't say it's selfish. I wonder though, I get questions that I have automatically.

it's like moving in together i think like someone else's financial i think a drive is more important than yes income yes and someone's like what they like having like a passion and a drive towards something and like really wanting to do something and really caring about it it's like marrying like a teacher like teachers don't make a ton of money but they're dedicated yeah and they really love that what would bother me more is my partner seeming like my partner doesn't care or isn't motivated yeah i have so many like first of alls that i want to address on this one start start because my first of all is that there's absolutely no shame in working at a hospital and not being a doctor i think that's like my girlfriend's a nurse i know a lot of people that have miscellaneous

jobs around the hospital and they are all valid and awesome i don't know what this specific job is yeah just driving patients yeah it's just like maybe they're at one facility and they need to go to another facility he transfers them yeah okay all right but i mean that's like a you that's not like um like that job in itself has meaning sure and like comes from like a good place it's not like his part-time job is working at best buy you know it's like i automatically think that like having a part-time job in a place where it's not really like a you know like filler jobs or like places where people like they it's the turnover is like so incredibly fast like it's all high schoolers who work there over the summer like working at a hospital like a children's hospital

doing something where you're like interacting with like patients on like a pretty semi-regular basis like to me that seems like a there could be like a longer more full-time future in that and also it's not really it's not really i don't know to me it's like not really like a temporary kind of job like it seems like so so hospital jobs actually are only a few days a week and it's because the hours are so insane so nurses typically only work at hospitals only work three days a week because they're on like crazy yeah because they work 12 hour shifts but they're probably working full-time i think her problem is that he's working part-time so that he can do this video game all right yeah that's bogus dude you gotta get a real job but what if the video

game like takes off well okay how stupid do you fucking feel if you broke up with your boyfriend and then the video game but the thing is is it gonna take off if he's not working for a larger company as it is independent games independent anything really hard right and i don't know about games particularly what i do know about any sort of art and this is like you have to do things a lot and go through the whole process to get good working on one project and trying your best to perfect it is going to keep you at one level and you will never grow so i know he's not calling but if he were to ask advice on his video game i would say fuck that game yeah make 20 games in the next year as quickly as you can go through the process it's not about the home runs it's

about the advance and that's how you close the gap between your skill and your taste you have to you have to go through the process again and again and again so i'm guessing that this dude is working on one project and he's like this is the one it's gonna break big but who knows if he's even completed one game yeah like your first any creative thing is never gonna be good you have to go through the process and learn to let go yeah and move on yeah you have to learn how to kill your darling so that whole thing absolutely i wonder how long he's been working on it because like yeah she wasn't specific if it's like six months i feel like six months is okay yeah but i feel like that's totally like i would assume it would take so much more than that i'm guessing

it's been years five years i think it needs to get to a point and also like i wonder like if are they pitching it like are they trying to sell it like if if it hasn't if it's just been the development stage for like a really long time and they're trying to perfect it exactly like you're saying, like trying to get to this level. It's not going to happen. Yeah. I'm sorry to say that. And if you're withholding, like trying to sell it because like you're waiting for it to be perfect, like that probably means you don't have a lot of confidence in it. And so I think if it's not totally obvious that that's, that was me. Like, like I, a couple of years ago was working on like one project. I'm like, this is the one. And I, I made it and I realized it

wasn't perfect. And I was just like working on frames. Like, okay, if I, if I change this edit by by a couple seconds it'll work now I'm like no it's like not till I started making content for the internet and I like within a year made 65 things and now all of a sudden I look back a year later and I'm so much better because duh you have to go through it but I think some things do like some things can take a really long time before you see like a great outcome and that doesn't necessarily mean that they're not worth it but like there have to be the steps in that like there has like it has to be moving forward it can't just be like if you're at the same stage and it's just two people like him and his whoever he's doing this with if they're at the same stage

and it's just them working on it yeah and it's not moving forward with like other aspects besides just like developing it then i'm like then that needs to be something then i think in her eyes like i think that is kind of cause for concern because it's just i don't think there's anything wrong I guess we should go to the the financial aspect of it right and I think like I think she's probably right on that he feels uncomfortable and kind of like threatened by it and I will say I have made more money than every guy I've ever dated like ever and I'm now at the point where if I was dating guy who like had a lot more money than I did I'd probably feel weird because I've been like used to that aspect and I think like not even necessarily like feel weird I just like

I also am somebody who I, I like, I don't like other people paying for things. I don't feel comfortable with that. Like I, I don't, I don't like when people like, I feel uncomfortable if someone like would offer to pay for a ton of stuff. So I wonder living together, is it, are you covering, are you covering his ass? Like, are you like paying for that stuff? See, I might be reading the tea leaves too much here, but I have a feeling that the problem isn't that she makes more money yeah it's really this crux of like he's 31 that's the age when you kind of are at this turning point where like hey man like dreams are great and I love him I support him but also you have a responsibility and if she's trying to picture a future with this guy

and he's not taking the steps to showcase that he's going to be providing and and committed to like the health of their relationship and so when you're at that age yeah like I think it's great to have a passion project but first and foremost you need to take care of the home front you need to have it's responsibility yeah and she said if he worked full-time then they would be making the same amount of money right and and then you know it's up to you if you really care about this game now in your free time that's when you're going to be hustling and putting in extra time but i don't think i'm quite okay as okay with him being like well i'm gonna do part-time because i'm working on this thing and it's gonna be it's gonna take off it's gonna hit like at a certain point you

need to i don't want to say grow up and because that that infers dropping the dream but like realize that you have a responsibility and that you need to step up yeah and if this is his dream then maybe he can get a job in that field exactly what i was gonna say yeah during the day it's a great point time he can be working on this yeah and getting a job in that field will help him hone and refine those skills i think that's like you get to this point where you're like dream or whatever you're doing like i like am an unemployed actor who also does everything else that i do while i'm being an unemployed actor is still like performance and media film related like i that's where and in doing so you're making your own opportunities and i'm also like learning more

about things like i'm learning more about everything that i can do in one thing is going to help me in something else and i think like for that's kind of maybe maybe she's picking up on the fact that like these are two totally set like two totally separate part-time jobs that like it doesn't mesh to be like one driven dream of what they want what he wants to do which I think can be like a little alarming but I like I don't I I like I'm also curious like does he know how to code like does he know how to do anything else that would be like I think like some people like I have friends who they work to live like they have like desk jobs like they're fine with it they don't like love it but like their weekends they shut off they don't have to do anything with

work they don't even think about it once they go home and they go on these trips and they do all that other stuff yeah and then i want to know too when you work in a creative field it's like you like live to work like you love it and like you go to bed thinking about it and like not in a necessary it can be in a bad way or a good way but like it consumes you in a different kind of way that you need to be like fulfilled and satisfied by it and i think for him he's probably more of that and like only wants to do something he really really loves but like there gets to be this point where if you can't do exactly what you want to do which is like this video game and sell all of that then what is the next best thing that's close to it dreams like this whole idea

of like what are you going to be when you grow up like there's your what you decided when you were 10 years old oh my god there are so many other versions of it yeah i'd be a christmas off at macy's that was my dream wow that's not where i thought this was going my dream i just love christmas well you can still do that i believe i could maybe but maybe you're very tall oh i am too tall you're too you are definitely too tall to be a christmas elf but that's why you pivot and maybe you could be a mrs claus or a reindeer gangly i i sympathize with her because like it it sucks to move in with someone and then now all of a sudden have all these questions they say that uh i don't know who they is but i'm just gonna pull a stat out of my ass and hope that

it's real so don't google this just assume i'm telling the truth but that couples who don't move in with each other until after they're engaged or married actually have a higher success rate than those who move in together to see how it is yeah and the reason for that is because you if you move in and you're not committed you're still playing this testing game yeah you're still judging and you're you're kind of constantly auditioning for the role of partner oh wow yeah and that's like yeah sorry if i got too real i do i do i live with my boyfriend yeah and then by the way we're not engaged so like i'm aware of that but i didn't want to we had an option to move in earlier yeah because it was like hey leases are coming up but i didn't want to rush into it i wanted to make

sure like this is a decision we're making and it's a decision we're making because you want to not because like convenience yeah i don't know what the end of the story is of like hey girl you fucked uh but I I you know I I get that that's such a tough and terrible place to be where you moved in because you thought that this was the next stage and now you're having these questions about um his viability as a partner long term and and you don't want to be the person that goes like to your you don't want to be shot as the messenger to go to him and be like hey you're 31 time to get a job a real job that's that's that she's if you the one thing I will say is that you cannot unfortunately be the person that gives them a wake-up call because you will

only be uh caught in the crosshairs because of it but then if it gets to a point where you're not able to like move forward in the trajectory of your life that you want and not that you want a guy who provides for you and makes so much more money than you you want someone who you're like well if i'm gonna be 50 50 with someone i want someone who can make what i'm making so then we could do this and do all this other stuff but if you feel like you're having to carry so much more of like the financial weight of it and you don't want to I think it's very that's okay it doesn't make you a shitty person and it if you don't if this relationship ends up not working out because of it that's also fine like I don't think I don't think it makes you a shitty person for wanting

someone to wanting to be 50 50 with someone for a decent chunk of the time because it's never always going to be 50 50 some it's going to be ebb and flow but like this is it's if it doesn't change i don't i don't think you need to feel guilty about um not wanting to like stay in it because like or or give talk about it give an ult not an ultimatum but address it and i think we agree it's not really the money money is the tangible expression of it but it's this feeling that you're working your ass off you're working a job as a responsible adult to basically complaining about for him yeah to do a thing that that we don't know if it's gonna pan out it's it's just like a responsibility thing of of pull your weight and put in as much effort as i am yeah

because he's also complaining about like not he was complaining i'm yeah you can't do that dude exactly so i think um yeah you have him call in yeah do we ever take callers on this show and we can like just like be like hey man quit it but have a good talk with him about it like a long talk that's not about um that's more about like what his plan is with you can't keep it in right i think we it's like if you just keep this in it's going to grow into resentment and it's going to get so much worse and it's going to come out in a way that you don't want it to a la your drunken phone call previously so i think you got to have a big an adult conversation about it also by the way contrary to my other point ned and his wife moved in after four months so and they're like

the most married people ever so fuck me right that makes sense four months yeah let's figure out how long it took before him and i then they got engaged within like a year really yeah they moved first were they in l they were in chicago okay that makes more sense yeah okay we're done with this question let's move on to the next one hi magna melissa i'm 21 and me and my boyfriend have been together for one and a half years we recently moved in together we're both a university and so we moved into a seven-bed house and we got two rooms so we'd have a room each for more space and before we moved in together I would see him about two or three times a week and I would go around to each other's houses and when we were together it felt like we would

spend all of our time together and have more alone time but now since we moved in it feels like we spend all of our time as a flat and then even when even at the night we could go off to our separate rooms so it often feels like we're more roommates than we are boyfriend girlfriend relationship and it ends up that i've lost the romance and can often feel like i'm being friend zone which i hate the phrase um also in this house there is another girl they've got quite close i don't think that there there's any romance between them i don't i would never think you would cheat on me but their friendship i'm getting jealous about their friendship they spend quite a lot of time together and they seem to have quite similar um interests

and ends up feeling like he spends more time with her than he does with me I feel like I'm a bit second place it doesn't help that I've got really bad self-confidence and self-esteem due to bad relationships with my family and he's my first relationship so I'm naturally very paranoid about it I don't know what to do I really want to improve our relationship and get more romance into it because i'm scared that if it continues like that we're just it's gonna fall apart i want to be able to feel more confident and get more self-confidence in our relationship and just in me as a person i hope you can help thank you bye oh my god i feel like you should start because i feel like you're gonna my my i

you should start i'm mine you got a lot going on over here i saw physical recoils throughout the room yeah i mean my my heart is what's your instinct for you my instinct is to say that that uh i don't think it's an uncommon thing when you move in with someone to find that that the effort for romance is dwindling and it's that feeling of like oh well i don't need to try anymore and you know every relationship is work that that's first and foremost dating i think there's like a myth that like love is so easy and you get someone get it and then you got it and it's like all this electric nausea and it just never stops like that's total bullshit uh you have to put work into your relationship you need to be dedicated to it and it sounds like right now

um he's failing and it's possible that that you're failing on that side too so it's just a recommitment to finding times to like it's a recommitment to finding times to to like go on dates and and just because you live together now it doesn't mean that you're gonna just stop doing all those things that you were doing when you were dating like have a day of the week where you say like hey I'm gonna take you out to dinner you go home you change and you you just spend time just the two of you so I think it's really easy to fall into a pattern and then all of a sudden yeah you are you are roommates yeah what do you think about the other girl the other girl I don't I don't feel good about it right I don't feel good

uh i i definitely you don't want to let your imagination run totally wild yeah but like yeah guys suck sometimes and like their minds wander yeah i i don't want to i don't want to like i think you guys definitely feel that some shit is going down and that she needs to watch out but i don't want to fuel the paranoia i think that like you need to be confident in yourself and it shouldn't be about like i'm going to block her out or i'm going to win him back over her i think you just need to focus on your relationship and and make sure that you like make him fall in love with you every day and you fall in love with him as opposed to focusing on like the preventative it's not defense yeah play offense yeah okay i'm glad that you're gonna give that advice because

mine is so different which that is that is that is the that is like uh you can only see you we've got two girls who are like we're very like this is like we've had this talk so many times because i mean because like this like we've been there like we i've been i have been this girl and what i would say is like there is an aspect of paranoia for sure i would say the term like her saying that she's like has all these like self-confidence issues and all of these things i'm not saying that she doesn't but i'm also saying that like her putting this like weird feeling she has about this guy her boyfriend and this other girl and chalking it up to her really her like family issues and past relationship issues is not a conclusion she came to on her own it is something

that she was told when she made a comment about feeling uncomfortable and that's gaslighting like that's what that is like i'm not saying you're like i'm not and also i don't know any fucking guy who uh who I've ever been gaslighted by who's been actively aware of even what gaslighting is so I'm not saying that was his like goal going into it and I'm also like assuming he said that but your if I have learned any fucking thing and also I have like the craziest story to tell you later about like my friend who had a like a similar thing of like four years later of like a thing that they thought that someone told them like no no no the crazy crazy four years later turns out they weren't crazy your gut in the situation is never going to be wrong and the

condition i will give you that is if you have had a jealousy thing with him and every girl that you've ever been like been around right then then there's something with you but if this is the one but if there is something specific about this that makes you uncomfortable there's a reason and yeah i think your advice is better i just wanted to make her feel good i just was like what's gonna make her feel better i don't want i don't want it that's good and also she asked like what can i do to like help our relationship and that's like that that is the advice that you do to help your relationship but right now i think what you need like it's like just look at what's in front of you you're probably not fucking crazy there probably is something going on you don't do

anything about the girl because it's not like yeah the girl's shitty but it's not the girl's fault like this her that girl doesn't owe her anything her boyfriend owes her something that's who the commitment's with and i think like you need to have a conversation with him and don't take well here's do you want the when it comes to the truth you have to figure out if you actually want to know and sometimes you think you want to know and then you realize you don't want to know so you need to look at the situation realize it's it's a seven bedroom house you're in a shit situation with potentially living with living with your boyfriend and potentially a girl that not saying that he's actively physically cheating on you but might have might have a crush on and

have like an emotional emotional cheating yeah and uh the level of disrespect that is happens when you're gonna choose to hang out with another roommate who's also a girl over your girlfriend that to me is just like a scummy guy like that's just like point blank that's him I hate this and I've been this so I feel so bad which is also why I'm giving so much tough love is I wish someone had said this to me although I have so many friends like oh my god no you were being crazy and then finally later they were like oh no you weren't being crazy at all is like you if he how he's treating you and if like he's going to make those decisions for you like he's making that kind he's choosing her right now and at any point if somebody in a relationship is going to choose

somebody else and then they're not going to recognize like oh wow i fucked up let me work on us but is going to deny it and like that to me is something that's already lost and is already done like you don't have that boyfriend anymore and like i will agree with you what you said about how when you move in together you have to like have dates like my boyfriend and i went through that for like look a long time for us to understand and like people have different definitions of quality time whereas like for him like he'd be cool if he came home from work and like we'd both be on our computers like like or like reading or doing there's a healthy balance there yeah and then like for me i'm like well no i want like at least one night a week where we like go out and

do something like you have to plan balance there with me just like you plan things with your friends but like because we live together we don't have to like plan the next time we're going to see each other and so that there is a learning curve there that i think that you can fall into that but there's an the the issue here i don't think is the quality time i think the issue here is the quality time is being spent with another girl who's not you it's funny you totally like turned my opinion this because at first i'm like okay i have a five-step plan we're gonna bring the romance back we're gonna do sleepovers we're gonna go on dates and then we're gonna bring it up because you don't if you bring it up now maybe you're gonna push them away and now i'm flipped

i'm like you know what fuck this guy you're gonna go out you're gonna get a new haircut you're gonna get some new clothes you're gonna show him and then you're gonna start like talking to the other four roommates there's something and the last thing i will say there's something to be said about um like lying and potentially cheating and hiding something and then there's something to be said about being cheap potentially cheated on or whatever with somebody that you also live with like that like he's not trying to hide any of this and if he was and if this was something that like if he was hiding it I think it would be a better situation because like this is just zero regards for your feelings at all and I think even if like there is nothing else there him choosing

someone over you whether it's like even just a friendship with another girl choosing that over you and you expressing that you want like more romance and all this stuff and it's not being met that to me is i i just i would want to be with someone who chose me as often as i chose them right and i just don't think right now that's what's happening he can have friends like tight homies who are girls that's awesome but you've got to be the number one well and you just have to and even if they want to spend like you have to spend time together like you're saying that you're being picked second like even if he's spending half his time with his friends you're not in a relationship anymore then that's it's like what are you doing he's being a coward about

it and i think you're your hookup buddies exactly you're and you're saying you feel like you're being friendzoned and i honestly it sucks and i hate this and i feel and if you want to dm me on instagram and talk about it i totally will like i will fully get into it with you but like i'm also interested in the follow-up so loop me into that you need you need to um you need to realize that this isn't on you and that he's done something to make you feel really insecure and it's his job to a listen to you and you say that and tell him that and if that doesn't change um that's your answer you know and it's not it's not worth it it's really really not because i'll just fuck with you more and then you'll need more therapy but also go to therapy it's great i love therapy

see i was a responsible 21 22 year old man where i knew i was trash so i just stayed away from people you know i didn't let i didn't subject them to me hey i'm like i don't do commitment man. Like I'm just like having fun. No, I just scared people away. Oh my God. Okay. Should we go on to the next? I'm 19 and I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. Um, whenever we first started dating, he was a virgin and I wasn't, but he still wanted to like, he didn't want to have sex, but he wanted to do other things to me, but he felt like weird about me doing anything to him and so that went on for like a few months of the beginning of our relationship and since then like we've had sex and you know done other things but um

now he's always like ready to go because he's a 20 year old guy you know what I mean and I'm not and I feel like I was more so when we first started dating but as our relationship has evolved and we've gotten more comfortable with each other I don't know I'm just I'm not always right in the mood and um he the other day he told me that it sort of hurts his feelings whenever because he'll he will offer to like do something to me if for some reason he can't you know if he can't uh like if we've just had sex or something and um he gosh this is weird if we've just had sex and so like he can't go right away and i'm still ready to go um he will offer to do something to me but he said that it hurts his feelings that i don't offer to do

anything to him if i'm not in the mood and i sort of think that it's different because when it's me, I'm, you know, I'm just not in the mood and I wouldn't want him to do anything to me if he wasn't. And so I guess what my question is, is, am I, you know, am I in the wrong? Am I being a weird person for not, you know, wanting to do something to him, even though he says that he would do the same for me, but then I feel like he's never not ready. You know i mean like he's always willing to do something anyways so am i am i being selfish or is he sort of being is he sort of not being very understanding i just i need to know like frequency i don't like i need more specifics here of like how many times we talked in a week is this like once a week is

this like four days a week is it every day three times a day yeah yeah it's 20 um i mean i think like what this boils down to is like a difference in sex drive um and we've we've talked about this before on the podcast of like it's i think like sexual compatibility is like a really important thing in being with someone who has like an understanding of your sex drive and like or is that like on the similar like where you're at with it i think um i think he probably has a higher sex drive than you which i mean 20 20 years old yeah he's a fucking he's a bunny rabbit he's just ready to go he's the energizer bunny yeah and i think um i am wanting to know why they didn't have sex for like i'm wondering does he masturbate like right because if they were not having sex

like was it like an abstaining from everything kind of thing for a while and like is that the only way he's getting off is like with that like does is there any sort of i don't know what's your opinion on masturbation in a relationship uh i think for sure go for it for sure i think if like i'm in the mood to have sex and like you're instead like jacking off i'd be a no i'd be like hi hello i'm over here exactly but i think like a like if i like if i'm not in the mood or if i'm like you're in the fucking shower if i'm like not home or if it's like not that i think if you're choosing that over like like having sex then that's a problem yeah but like i don't have any sort of just go tell your boyfriend to jerk off a bunch yeah but if he is here's what i'll

say i think like and this might be surprising he'll be like wow my god i don't think he said that i don't think like so he real canadian superstore has everything you need this back to school season save on lunchbox savers like ziggy sliced deli meat products for always 375 and get life brand pure vita shampoo or conditioner for eight dollars each at real canadian superstore when you're ready we're ready with a whole world and more he uh not to put words in his mouth talking about things with his mouth um i don't think like i like not that you don't have like the greatest vagina in the world but like i don't think he is like just like craving vagina and that's why he's going down on you it's more along the lines of like he likes getting you off and

like likes that aspect so he's not necessarily like oh i'm in the mood to like eat her out but like i'm in the mood to like there's a confidence boost and like he wants to make you feel good and so i think that he's probably not going to say that to you where he's like well when i'm going down on you it's like if he's going down if he's horny like I don't maybe he's getting off by going down on you but like to me those are not necessarily like he might like he totally might be but I think like it's more about like pleasuring you and less about him like I don't think he's selfishly going down on yeah I think it's about her pleasure because he was going I mean yeah he was going down on her before they yeah had sex and she and he wouldn't let her go down on him

yeah well it sounds like he's got some he had some hang-ups but i guess he's way over them now but i think like there's there's like you should never feel pressured to do like anything sexually that you don't want to do um yeah that i we got it first and foremost there's no world in which you should feel bad for not always wanting to uh pleasure him like that's that's not your exclusive job there's also just the reality of like totally going back to your idea of like sexual compatibility there's frequency but there's also like time of day some people are like morning horny some people are night horny morning sex i'm like i need coffee yeah yeah and like do not fucking go on and i'm gonna tell you like i get tired at night like when i'm tired i'm like i

gotta go to bed i'm not like this is a stamina thing and i don't got it yeah you're like no no i'm ready to sleep i am asleep so like it's something to figure out and and i was gonna say an adult relationship but you guys are still in college um in relationships i think you have to talk about it and figure it out and and it is possible to get into a place where you're not putting enough time for your um you know physical relationship and that's important an important component but yeah i don't think i think it's okay you shouldn't feel pressure that's not a good place to be like it's not gonna go well now and it's not gonna go well in the long run if you feel like you're doing something out of obligation sex is supposed to be fun and an intimate and an

exchange of passion and fluid and fluid i also wonder though is he like is he going down on you in hopes of like do unto others as you would like done on to you so that was like the especially in college i didn't know a single guy who enjoyed it get going down girls yeah it was like something that it's a it's something that you develop over time yeah uh as a guy and really the context in which i heard about it when i was younger was either abject terror and like what is what do i do i don't know what to do or or i'm this is a this is a um this is something that i'm going to do because i know that i'm going to get uh reimbursed for it yeah no and that's what i wonder if he's but i don't know if he did though because he did it before i was gonna say he asked

for the exchange i was gonna say though maybe he was doing it before because she wasn't a virgin and he felt like he had to do it to keep her oh she wasn't a virgin yeah he was and she and he was doing it because he felt he had to keep that's what he had to do yeah to keep her yeah well i just yeah and i i think like what was her problem again i think with her but the thing that she he's pressuring her yeah okay right she she does it more right okay he goes down on her i lost track she's saying that she doesn't want him to go down on her if he's not in the mood so i think then you have to have that conversation with him which is like awkward and uncomfortable sure but if you're gonna like have someone's like penis inside you like you have the fucking awkward

conversations about it um and like say something about the like like being like i think we have different uh levels of sex drives and i think that's like totally fine and i don't want i want you to feel like if you're totally in the mood and you've come on to me and i'm not in the mood like maybe you just ate a huge dinner and you're like please no then like like you're totally free past like you feel free to masturbate like that's totally fine and awesome and like if you're in the if you're in the mood if then if you think going down on like me is like a like like reciprocation kind of thing like i think we just need to be like more clear and have sex when we're both in the mood so one of us isn't trying to get the other person in the mood when they said they're not

and so i think you just have to have that point blank conversation and then give him permission not that he needs your permission or anything like that to be like if i'm not in the mood like you feel because maybe he doesn't feel comfortable like watching porn or masturbating because he feels like he's cheating on like not like i don't maybe he feels like he's cheating yeah it's a weird conversation to broach yeah and and i think that that's totally common that people feel like when they're in a relationship they can't watch porn anymore that it's like i have to save myself for you exclusively dude this the porn on the porn conversations we've had from this we that's where i didn't know people had so many varying opinions really yeah yeah i mean i don't think that my

girlfriend would be happy with it yeah yeah i don't think so i mean i i don't yeah my i it all varies like i don't give a shit like usually but like again like if i'm there and like your choice is going to be to watch porn and not have sex with me i'd be mad but like right if i'm like on the couch like eating tacos being like i don't want to have sex right now like i'm bleeding out of my vagina go ahead watch porn in the other room you know yeah yeah and i i also i'm thinking that he probably thinks that sex is all just physical and he's not doing anything the emotional yeah the emotional part to lead up to it for them to have sex and e r e uh are you fin girl are you finishing like i've been wondering how good is he at what he does or is he just like going down

he's like i did it now let's have sex like spells the abcs um starts humming um but yeah you go like you blow on it right you just tap it he's just biting go back go back to our asmr portion literally my vagina clenched out out out you just shouldn't feel guilt tripped at all and i think the same way of you don't want to feel now it's in her head that he feels obligated to go down on her even when he's not in the mood which then makes you feel bad and like you're like no i don't want you to do something that you don't want to do i don't want like this to be like a task kind of thing um but if there's something that like you have enjoyed like sexually with him more or if is it is your sex good like is this right is like are you not no he's 20 years old of course

very quick is it that like when you mean you're not in the mood um that there isn't a lead that he's not yeah he's not getting you in the mood exactly and that's not the right yeah so i think like if you can like i think you need for him i think you need to specify what that is yeah i know i think i think you just the next time that you're in the mood like take your time with it and make it into a situation like have your dream situation of like how long you want to spend doing foreplay all these other things and then making it so that that like that is a better experience because i think like i just think you guys are on just different like yeah different levels it's so hard to keep up with a guy that age that is like full of energy and wearing to go

first time and he's like whoa this is great let's do this always like because it is it's totally nice to do something for your partner occasionally like if you don't want to do it like that's that can be a good gratifying thing yeah but you can't you don't want to get into a pattern where you're just constantly doing fulfilling something out of obligation uh especially if he's not bringing the goods and which is probably not yeah uh and so yeah it's a frank conversation talking about you know how often you think an ideal number is um or frequency is rather how things that you can that he can do to to make you feel validated and in the mood yeah and and primed and then frankly it's it's possible that sexual compatibility just isn't there and that's something that you'll then

have to figure out yeah yeah yeah like if you're if you're in a place where you're like i would ideally have sex once a month and he's like three times a day that that's an incompatibility that's real and that's not your fault and that's that's just something that that's inherent with differences between you two but it sounds like she was like she was into it in the beginning like it's not like she you you shouldn't feel bad about yourself it sounds like you enjoy sex and that you're giving it to him plenty yeah and it's just he has unrealistic expectations but probably in the beginning it was probably whenever she was ready yes yeah so now it's not that and i think like my overall advice would be like in general like as a takeaway for everybody like you should

sexual things or anything regarding that you should never be doing anything in wanting it in return like that shouldn't be it like if you want to go down on your boyfriend or your girlfriend or whatever that should not be because you want them to reciprocate the favor like that should be like if he's going down on you like it should be because like he wants to and if you want not a trade-off yeah you want to give a random fucking blow job it's because like you want to not because you've been asked to or you feel like you should like right you're going to resent them and you're going to feel uncomfortable if it's not your idea and you're going to resent that dick exactly don't resent that dick and i think like that's i want a t-shirt it's going to make

you feel like it makes you feel gross too because it makes you feel like someone's doing something to you that they don't necessarily make him feel gross like it's not fun to get like it's yeah and like would do you want like a pity blow job like is that what he wants like he wants and like that's not what a relationship is being like hey i'm horny like suck my dick like that's not how that works you should never feel obligated either way and if you feel but you both have sexual needs like you shouldn't feel obligated to do something like this but in order to not feel obligated you have to have that conversation about what you guys need and if you guys can't meet each other's needs then you're not right for then you're not right and then that's also very much okay like i wouldn't

I wouldn't date a guy who's like, oh, by the way, like, I think you're great and awesome. But like, I don't go down on girls. And I'd be like, that's awesome. That's so much. I don't do you. Thank you so much for like, so glad to meet you. Like, we're not going to hang out with you again. Yeah, look, sex conversations are totally like still taboo.

But this is a big part of sharing your life with someone is meeting on that level. It's a totally important part of your relationship. But you have to agree and meet each other at the same place. So find out if you guys are right for each other. Yeah, well, best of luck. Use protection. Don't get pregnant. Don't get pregnant.

no don't do it okay guys it's time for a quick break and we will be right back see you soon so soon i'm sorry i'm talking so much guys we're back from our break we're back and we're gonna hop into more calls so i'm 17 years old i'm from germany and i'm doing an exchange here in mexico right now so I left my boyfriend back in Germany and I've been here since four months now and I honestly just realized that I don't depend on my boyfriend as much as I always thought I did and honestly I'm just not in love with him anymore so the problem is he told me a month ago that he's gonna come here and stay for the last five months and do an exchange semester by the time he told

me he had already paid everything he had his host family his school placing and basically for him there's no turning back anymore and if he would decide to stay in germany he would lose all of the money so my question basically is to break up with him before he comes here do i not break up with him at all even though that's just too unfair that's just lying to him all the time or do i wait till he gets here and then break up with him here all of the options to me feel very unfair and i already feel so bad right now for lying to him that i'm still in love with him yeah i just don't really know what to do and i'm hoping you could give me some advice the advice is that you made megan squirm out of her chair and slink to the ground

i feel so i feel so bad for her like i feel bad for him of course but like being like okay this may be not what you want to hear but sometimes when like my life's i my life's sucky i love people like wow that really fucking sucks like let me just tell you like that like yes hey you know how that thing that you think is really shitty yeah it's shitty it's like i'm validating like i like don't want to be you right now like just know like this is like i'm really sorry this fucking sucks which might not make you feel better but sometimes it makes me feel better um what an uncomfortable situation holy fucking shit and you know i'm just gonna jump and jump ahead and say rude of him to book that trip without asking you super presumptuous also five

months that's a lot the fuck was he gonna stay with you for five months where is he living yeah fucked up i kind of think it's kind of one of those things like um with pyramid schemes or if you're stupid enough to buy into it like i kind of i'm like well you did this to yourself if that's like if you're gonna get a non-refundable fucking ticket and all of this stuff like part of me is like well shit like you should be out of that money because that was a really presumptuous decision i also want to say maybe maybe you maybe there was some conversations that you felt okay like you didn't know he was necessarily being really serious about or maybe he read too much into stuff so there might have been a part in like would you feel guilty

for kind of like maybe not shutting him down maybe not encouraging and saying that you really want him to but not shutting him down when he said he was gonna do this stuff which i think is fair because like when you like decide you don't love somebody anymore oh my god it's the most oh my god and i'm a ghoster a serial ghoster yeah i'm ashamed to say well i've been ghosted on and i've done it myself and neither is fun no you're amongst friends you are we are we're big ghosters and we got some shit from people saying i've only broken up with someone once but also I've like barely had any relationships so I don't know why I'm on this podcast I have no advice to draw from uh but it was the most uncomfortable thing I ever did but I was like I have to

yeah do this I I can tell you like me and I don't feel the same that's great because I would just ghost but then I like I did it before a shift like one of her shifts like she was going to work and like we met up and like I don't know why I'm telling this story why am I putting myself out there like that but it was like and then I had this thing of like do I ruin your day by telling you know but i realized like no i have to rip this band-aid off yeah i'm not gonna continue to lead you on it's there's never a good time for that conversation yeah i think like you just right now like just need to fit like it's the lesser of the evils like it's all shitty like it's all gonna be shitty for him he's all gonna be mad at any of them i think if we're gonna rank them i

think the worst thing you can do is break up with him in where you are yes do not let him come don't let him get on the plane don't let him get on the plane you know what sucks blowing a couple hundred or a thousand dollars okay well what's you know what sucks wasting a couple thousand dollars you know what's worse flying to mexico getting dumped and having nothing to do for five fucking months that is awful you're going to be in school oh god i kind of miss that is he going to be studying there well are they going to be in the same if they're from if coming from the same school previously they're probably going to end up being in the same study abroad like you know what though hold on maybe let's let him go to mexico let him get down lizzie mcguire i was gonna go

like find a paulo discover yourself where in mexico are you mexico city there's a lot to do there it's a big city you guys can avoid each other i mean you know what i'm gonna say no let him go no no no no here's what i'll say okay and i think i i love the lizzie mcguire life but i think it's like it speaks to me i think you just have to let him make that decision so if you break up with him beforehand he might still want to go yes and that's okay and you need to be okay with that because there's no good solution here and like the little bit of discomfort not the little bit the discomfort that it's going to give you to be in the same city as him like i think we need to be sensitive here that there's a lot on both sides yeah but don't let him get on the plane

assuming that he's going to live this fairy tale exactly i would say like facetime immediately don't call right now time face to face and and have this hard conversation now it's gonna break his heart probably so oh shit there's no yeah his heart's gonna get broken but either way it's gonna happen and it's okay like i we need to tell you it's okay to feel this way you're 17 not every relationship is going to last this is unfortunately something that may happen a couple times in your life and and uh the people who are older are going to tell you that we still haven't really figured out how to dump people no not at all and also like there's he's he's allowed to be mad at you too which like you need to be okay with like all of that and like he yes it could in any other

way it could have been like oh if he didn't spend this money and you would figure it out but the thing is like you had to go i'm not like a destiny believer but like you had to go on this trip to figure out that you don't have feelings from anymore so like this isn't like this is when you figured this out and like sure could you have maybe said something sooner yes but also like you didn't want to feel that like you don't really want to fall out of love with someone so you're you're like holding back and not saying anything and having him like make all these plans like in your mind i'm assuming it was probably like you wanted that like yeah i really want you to come and i want you to want i want to want you to come and you're kind of hoping that it's just

like a phase and you realize it's not and then you have to tell him and i think you just need to be really like just honest with him and then also just like before he even can like say anything just apologize and be like so aware like i'm so sorry of the situation that this puts you in like i'm so aware like i know i played a part in this and i really should have done this and i shouldn't have let it go on this i should have stopped you when you were talking about coming but like i really thought that this was like something i was going to get like this was just a phase for me like i thought i was going to be over this and it was just like in my head but like as the days get closer to you coming like it like is killing me thinking that you're going to get on this plane

and i i don't want to ruin your trip and i don't want any of that it's a long flight it is yeah i'm thinking i don't i need to say this because like i don't want i've already like yeah you feel like you've been like not saying something enough that it's gonna hurt him the quicker you do it the fucking better i want to highlight though my favorite thing that you said not you our caller everything you said was wonderful uh you said that you realized that was it that you're not defined by him anymore it just wasn't relying yeah and i think that's fucking awesome especially if you're someone who's been in a lot of relationships like throughout your adolescence and maybe you're someone who's been like a date a date you know a serial dater it is wonderful to find that space

especially in this time of your life to be defined by yourself on yourself and not through how who you are in a relationship it's a totally huge and important step that i am like i am all for i think that being single is one of the best and most formative times in your life you need to figure out who you are just by yourself and not in the context of being defined by your relationships or or who how others make you feel like savor this time especially abroad in what i assume is a wonderful city uh like grow find yourself find things that you like be self-defined fucking awesome well i think it's also just like so impressive because i that'd be the complete opposite for me like i'm i'm i wouldn't i don't i wouldn't call myself like defined by like

my friends my relationships but like when i'm out of my element is when i feel the like i feel the most like me when i'm surrounded by people that i know so like the fact that she can identify this like sense of independence in a city like that this is new like this is like such like a fuck yeah this is like the moment in the movie where like a great blink 182 sun comes comes on and you're like i'm living my best life great blink 182 i'm sorry i'm sorry yeah i thought you were so you would have went to fire fest yeah they were the ones that canceled but i'm saying old i'm saying like old old i thought you were gonna hit me with a hey now hey now this is what dreams are oh i thought you meant you're an all-star which is smash mouth my first one no i'm

but yeah so i think like you it sucks no matter what and i think you need to there's a level of being aware of the role that you played in this hurt and how there are things you could have done to prevent it going this far and hurting this much financially but then but still he did this without asking exactly that's what i say it's like you have to know that there's like just recognize that but then know that that's not all on you because you would have figured this out and you would have broken and i've had friends who did this where they went abroad and realized that they're like oh i don't want to be in a relationship anymore but they don't have to do anything about it until they get back and he took that choice away from you so like they're both of you are

guilty in this and also there's yeah there's he did a lot of these he did things that is now putting you in a position where you have to you have to make this difficult like convert start this difficult conversation but you didn't ask him to do spend all this money so that guilt know that that's not on you like yeah at all with I don't have again I don't have much experience here but with breaking up I think it's important to accept a level of responsibility and and like yeah own up to it and that's okay but also it's not exclusively your fault of course it isn't and frankly i think it'll be helpful for this young man i'm i've been calling him heinrich in my head heinrich needs to know he needs to hear that what he did wasn't okay and why help him as as your

parting gift help him not do this again to someone else oh he's gonna feel like a fucking idiot yeah and like that's gonna be the biggest lesson for him of being like wow should not have been this kind of presumptuous and we do stupid shit when we're 17 but you know what years from now you'll both look back and laugh yeah and i really want her to have her paolo moment like you know like i want everyone to have their paolo moment you still want him to come to mexico though i do yeah i still kind of want him to too but on his own i want him to choose to have their own separate i think so and maybe you know what maybe they'll fall in love again under the stars and it'll be like they need to go apart to come back together who knows poetic that's how i would write this

story are you a hopeless romantic uh what's your star sign astrological leo are you oh when's your birthday july 26 okay i'm a leo too my birthday is august 4th i i am not super into astrology but i think i'm a uh my moon is also leo oh wow i'm a leo leo okay attention yeah you love attention i love the sound of my own voice yeah i have a podcast i love the best part about having a podcast is that you have headphones on and you can hear yourself talk it's like wow i sound really good right now it's the best next one on to the next I'm 22 years old and a college graduate a recent college graduate um in August I went through a very toxic breakup with my ex of two and a half years it was very um serious like there was a promise ring involved um but you know

looking back on it he was very manipulative and verbally and mentally abusive and actually the way he broke up with me was telling me that I was physically and mentally unattractive that I don't follow through with my goals and that I don't have my priorities straight and that he's ashamed of me anyway flash forward four months to now and you know I'm starting to get over him starting to like try to start getting over you know all the damage that he's done to my brain by all the manipulation and gaslighting and my mom finds a note in our mailbox written by him and the note contained uh fifty dollars in total um twenty five dollars in hard cold cash and twenty five dollars in a target gift card um and three notes one of which was dated for new year's eve but i opened

anyway because he doesn't rule my life anymore um and uh they were it was like how he had found a note um by me that was written in 2016 and like the gift card was established in 2016 and he thought it was a sign and um that like uh he gave me all these song recommendations but they were all love songs and I'm sure it's all about you know what he's thinking about me and um I listened to them they were all literally like love songs um and I don't know what to do at this point I mean thanks for the cash you know but he's coming up to my house uninvited this is exactly what happened when we broke up he would come to my house at like 10 p.m a night trying to talk to me he would leave junk voicemails um and my cousin had to like tell him to get lost or I'll call the police

um and then he said he would leave me alone but four months later he hasn't left me alone and I don't know what to do anymore because it's like as soon as I start to like get over him it I he comes back and I don't know if like this is a restraining order situation I don't know if I I should just, like, contact him one more time and be like, don't talk to me. Don't show up at my house anymore. I don't know what to do. And your advice would be really great. This dude is so lame.

He sucks. He's so lame. As the great philosopher Jojo once said, it's just too little too late. I was going to say, get out right now. Right now is the end of you and me. She's got a lot of good advice. She's got a lot. She's been a philosopher for a long time.

Return the fucking money. No. No, don't. No. Because that's giving him too much. Do not do anything. It's as if you never saw any of it. Yeah.

Okay. That was going to be my next word. So, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Halfway. Nothing that you don't contact someone to tell them to stop contacting you. If someone's pulling out all the fucking stops, it doesn't matter what you say.

They're just going to be like, they're talking to me. This is my in. Like you need to just shut the fucking door. Like there is nothing like I, um, have cut people out of my life and they're no matter what like people will try and get back into your life for any sort of reason and it is not i've like sent i've like literally had like people like send same thing sent money sent things guys do this to you like like romantic uh i had one ex do this to me i had one ex do this to me but then he got a new girlfriend who he seems very happy with and i haven't heard from him in a long

time but i it was the same thing fucking nuts huh yeah he was fucking my god um but yeah no so there's there's a level of like when somebody is so detached like as you you're obviously we're in the situation and so uh this like just knowing like based on if you want to if you if you're listening to the episode make sure you watch it to see our reactions like these are people who don't we don't know you guys and we're saying that this is fucking crazy and like he's being insane so just know that like just point blank that's he's being like fucking weird and crazy so when somebody is doing those things and pulling out these stops and just like being ridiculous to get your attention it doesn't matter what attention you're giving them what even if

they're not listening to what you're saying if you say don't ever speak to me again they're like i have a chance they're all they're seeing is you speaking to them and the contacting so if you give an inch she's going to take a mile just and just cut and run that's how it'll happen like they're i've in breakups it's been like i had an ex who was like showing up at my place all the time all of these things and so i like when i when i had told like my uh the um i was living in like a gated building thing and i had told him i was like this is a picture of my ex-boyfriend we are no longer dating like you need to not like they can't be let in like they don't have any of this clearance or any of those things um and then i would also say you need to talk to uh your friends

about it and your family and be like if you find a note don't tell me if you see this throw this away because that's the other issue is like you shouldn't um you need to block numbers like that's the kind of same kind of thing like i don't feel any sort of guilt to like the people that i have like cut out of my life because like their numbers are blocked like i don't see that blocking like don't have like a don't be able to like go check in on him on instagram like nah every single platform possible we are he don't exist anymore and like you and everybody needs to support that and like your family like all of those things and um so four months i would say is not a super long time it's my ex when we broke up i got a message like i literally want it was like a out of a

fucking movie i got a text from him and i walked into like you know how in like movies they have like just like in the grocery store they have like stacks of food in a way that you would never like actually do that they had it at ralph's a stack of butter i walked into a stack of butter like a fucking full pyramid you knocked down the pyramid i knocked down the pyramid because i got the text message and i was like i hate my life um i was like this is so cliche but i got attacked like a year after i think you need to hear it gets better it gets butter um so i i would give it that time and for the people yeah the people that i've like cut out of my life the frequency of trying to contact me has been it dwindles over time like when you don't give them any

sort of acknowledge like you don't acknowledge them at all it slows down it might not stop for a long time but the more that you don't engage at all the also the more that you're going to be able to heal and get over and move on but when you let somebody who's like talk to you in a really toxic and manipulative way even if you come back at that knowing that and you say like no i'm not listening to this i'm not handling it you're just going to be taken right back to when you did do that like your interactions with them like it's gonna give you a pit in your stomach and it's gonna remind you of all those things and it's not helping you grow and there's a and I have struggled with that too of being like well I want to be like I'm like a strong person who like is

not going to like let these like how this person like emotionally abused me like define me different this time yeah or even just being like I want to tell this person off like it's not about them and like that sense of like confidence and strength comes from like how you live the rest of your life you don't need to teach that person a lesson or anything like that like that's not on you and that's not uh you're not gonna ever get that satisfaction from it like you can say there's no happy ending with you engaging him it sounds like you're healing and that's awesome we're proud of you but he's not your responsibility he is you you know he's got problems and it's not your fault it's not your job to fix him yeah it's not you don't deserve the way he treats you

it's there's just just cut it let him figure his shit out move on yeah and if you're worried about like your physical well-being or anything that he might do and like you're afraid of any of that you which you should totally listen to your gut instinct with that i don't know what state you're in but in california for restraining orders if someone's on your property and won't leave um and basically being on your property is like a or has threatened you like has threatened to do something or is on your physical property and won't leave you can call the police and even if that person leaves by the time that the police get there you have it on record that the cops have been called for that so then if they come back a second time or some like an event similar happens

a second time on your property there already is a record and in california you need to on like record twice or one or one or two times before you can like go through with a restraining order um so just know that like yeah those tools are at your disposal if you need them and there's a peace of mind that like at least for me like there's a peace of mind that kind of comes with it of being like if you get like the law involved too it also holds you accountable to be like I'm not gonna let this person in my life because I like the really smart like grown-up adult side of my brain did this thing where I called the police because I knew this was a bad situation you know how you feel right now you know how you feel when you call the cops you know you reached

out to us like you already know the answer yeah and so maybe you're just looking for someone to like hold you to it so we're gonna hold you to it yeah and this is it's about you moving on and you healing and it's not about telling him to stop contacting you because he's just gonna it'll it'll happen eventually but it's gonna have nothing to do with you saying stop contacting me do you find you do that when you have things that you like you know you have to change or do i just tell everyone in my life oh yeah i just tell everyone like oh yeah i'm gonna start going to the gym three times a week and now it's like i've the more people i tell the more is like oh shit i really gotta do that oh yeah no i have friends who will do the opposite though where like if they

like don't want my they don't want me to tell them the truth about something so they won't like ask my advice or tell me anything and then the big i have to tell you this crazy thing that happened like my life went to shit for three months i'm like why don't you tell me any of this like well i knew i was making all the wrong decisions and i knew you would tell me that i was so i didn't tell you okay cool or like i didn't break up with that guy you told me to and like you're right it did suck i was like okay cool good job guys oh okay well best of luck best of luck next one uh it's time for listeners advice listeners advice did you also see people's suggestions yeah i kind of liked like don't blame you don't but oh wait fuck what were they called

is this where they reflect on all the advice we've been giving and they tell us their own advice where our life needs to change oh my god advice to us god no i don't need that i don't need that no it's when listeners call in with uh us advice for other callers that we've had already on the show i'm trying to remember what they fucking suggested we call it they're killing me right all of them are killing me yeah we commented it so many times okay well um i'll remember it eventually don't blame us that was one of them so this is from the episode with uh lindy from almost 30 and this is the girl that had um was inspired to drop out of school because megan had and we had told her to um try out uh community college you're an inspiration well it's terrible

that's like the worst part hi Megan I am 23 years old and I am just gonna leave some follow-up advice on the episode with Lindsay discussing the girl who had dropped out of college um I think what you guys said about going to community college was wonderful advice so I actually graduated high school a year early was kind of thrown into do I want to take a gap year to figure out what I want to do, or should I go right into college? What was the best choice for me? I had some family issues going on at the time, so I decided to go to community college. I thought I wanted to be a teacher, so I decided to work at a daycare at the same time. I took classes part-time and worked full-time, and it really helped me figure out that that's not what I wanted to do.

So I spent less than $10,000 on my first two years of school. It ended up giving me scholarships to pay for school, and I had more than half of my tuition paid just from going to community college for two years and really trying my hand at what I want to do. I ended up going to business school. I'm going back to get an MBA shortly. I ended up in a leadership role at the company that I work at now. So great advice.

I would suggest really just trying a million different things. I wanted to be a lawyer, ended up working at a law firm, didn't want to do that anymore. So just making sure that you attempt everything once. College is expensive. You don't want to go for something that you're not going to end up using. Oh, my God. Wow. She is the most shut up for dropping out, not me.

Yeah. I would like to reappoint her to be the one that everyone asks for advice about dropping out. wow that's like hella impressive and like a really good psa for like like she should be the commercial for community colleges yeah i mean i think that just was that's like great that was great i want to go to community college same i want that kind of drive like that's like impressive very impressive that's incredibly incredibly impressive so i'm so community college i'm so glad that i'm here listening to others as opposed to the calls that are going to reflect on this episode and be like yo that's that guy was a fucking idiot you know what he was talking about

there are some where we we've got i've gotten some for mostly well i'll call him out melvin melvin got so much heat for his episode so you've there's i don't think anyone's ever even gotten close yeah i don't think so well yeah i'll add to that community college thing like a ton of my friends from my friend group at college were mismatched for either our college or their major and so many of them changed and are so much better so much happier for it i have two friends who took a full year off and they're doing unbelievable now and I think had they just like persevered pushed through stayed the course that was clearly not right for them not making them happy they would be in much worse situations now yeah I think I'm not I'm not a huge fan of like the whole like

throw into the swimming pool and then like if you can't swim like it's fine like you'll just float to the top once you drown like I don't really like love that whole thing and it's also like a very expensive way to drown um so I've been a I'm a huge proponent of like just finding what you want to do but like not everything's fun all the time and like knowing that like you're gonna have to do stuff that like isn't necessarily fun but like you shouldn't i don't know like your mental health shouldn't like be sacrificed and all those other things the difference between hard work and being mismatched yeah like i i also know someone who has so much anxiety just at the idea of school and then she was top 10 of her class and it's like no you're you're doing good

you just need to find coping mechanisms exactly some release there are others my aforementioned friends who like this is not right for you let's change the major let's figure it out find yourself and clearly the caller is this case study of why that can be really great my god go you guys it's almost inspiring me to go back to school oh maybe the section is classes online can the can the segment be called can't blame you can't blame you that's cool too that's good too yeah um well that is our episode zach thanks so much for being on you gave great advice thanks for having me and you weren't problematic at all this is great i'm relieved to hear and now you have to force the other try guys to come on yeah i'm gonna i know that i'm here as a way to get the other two

no you do realize you and ned have shot to the top of our favorite try guys because you're the two who've come to this this was really fun no i had a great time you give great advice i'm sorry you had to listen to so many like young girls talk about it's fine it's all fine um i was gonna say like my pleasure but there's no good way I heard myself say it I'm like over 18

so it's okay yeah we try we try so where can people stalk you on the internet they can stalk me you can so actually

if you pay some money you can go into the white pages and find out where people live that's the most that I do for everything we do it all the time

you can follow me at corn diddy a joke that just stayed with me and that's my username forever or follow us on the try guys

youtube.com slash try guys yeah And if you guys want to be on an upcoming episode If something's happening in your life And you need some advice Give us a call at 310-694-0976 International listeners

Email us an audio file at Meganpodcasts at gmail.com You can stalk Melissa and I Through the links in the description as well And if you want to find out where else You can listen and or watch Don't Blame Me, this podcast You can go to don'tblameme.show

We're on YouTube We're on Stitcher Premium Where you can listen to bonus episodes it's pretty exciting um and uh and uh okay guys see you next week goodbye i won't be here don't blame me as a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network Thank you.