Don't Blame Me! - S4E10: Guest: Nicole Byer - Boyfriend Has a Spank Bank of Me and Our Friends?

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

Comedian Nicole Byer is here this week to share advice! We’re answering your questions on what to do if you match with your professor on Tinder, how to communicate with a friend that left the country for a man, how to handle your ex boyfriend who’s “addicted” to weed and owes you money, and what to say to your partner when you’re ready to lose your virginity. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares how she overcame fuck boy syndrome.  Check out our NEW Patreon Community - https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @nicolebyer www.instagram.com/nicolebyer  @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by Betterhelp, Briogeo, and SKYN Intimate Devices. Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today our fantastic hilarious guest the one that all of my friends are very very jealous that you're here and they're not meeting you it's nicole byer it's me what a nice intro what if i fail and i'm not funny what no you're no you're already funny go home and walk into traffic no don't do that i will no i'm not funny if no one tee hees i'm gonna walk into traffic i have a mic too so you'll hear it in your ears of me tee heeing okay isn't that a fun way to giggle it is it's like a little sexual like oh you think it's sexual it's like flirty oh i always thought it was real dumb and childlike oh to me it just sounds like peewee herman like something he would do which automatically

is fair yeah you know like pervy but you just said it was sexy so no sexual he's not pervy though not pervy no he was masturbating in an adult movie oh that's what else are you supposed to do when you're watching do they play those in theaters yes but i'm not sure if they still do currently in the future that we're in 2019 where you can do it at home well also yes it's just odd to me that you could go watch a porn in theaters but you would get arrested for masturbating to it well i think it's in decent exposure because you are in public but why would they play it i think so you get all riled up and then drive home and you're like oh i can't wait to fucking jerk off and then you go home you're like i'm rock hard i've been hard for 30 minutes

that's so much anticipation yeah too well i should look that up have you ever figured like how you look something up without like i feel like that one will just give me facts i think it'll give you some pictures i don't want probably i don't want that yeah it'd be pretty bad you know no this is an advice podcast and if you guys want to call in and leave us voicemails to give you advice on your life you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can record a audio message and email it at meganpodcast at gmail.com i guess we can get started we'll get started let's let's give some advice let's roll the tapes play the calls hi megan and melissa and potential guest i'm 21 years old

currently a college nursing student um so the other night i was just swiping on tinder just having fun and I came across the profile of my 33 year old professor for the class I literally finished that day um and I freaked out about it and thought like I'm gonna swipe right just to see what happens and I ended up matching with him on tinder um which was crazy and like it's honestly the most hilarious thing that's ever happened to me the craziest thing that's ever happened to me and i'm just starting to think like okay he had it was swiped right on me when i was still a student because i literally just took that final uh that morning um and like yeah he could be the type of guy who just swipes right on every single profile he sees but one you think

that as a new professor to a university you'd be you would be a little bit careful about your you know like your age range or what kind of profiles you're slicing on because you're a professor you could match with a student but also it's been three full days since I matched with him and he hasn't unmatched me and he hadn't been notified by now that we matched so I don't know like the girls in my class think that is just hilarious and funny I do too but at the same time like he's really attractive and I instantly was attracted to him he's my type um and like throughout the class he was very flirty with me would joke around with me every day give me flirty looks and I don't know like when my grade is finalized in three days should I message him and see like if he actually

was interested in me or if it was an accident like I think it was kind of like a funny fun thing that's going on and i don't know like if i do message him what should i say or what should i do anyways um thank you guys love you both so much she's cute i feel bad that was very long winded i also can't believe that's the funniest thing that's ever happened to her uh wow i mean what do you think i mean i think like the the because she's young she's she's 21 okay and he is 30 something i don't know i'm personally like i understand her point of view and like or your point of view like i understand your point of view and i understand like being attracted to i think there's something about like someone who's uh like forbidden if they're even

like a little bit fucking cute they're so much hotter and then that like power like kinky role oh he's like my teacher professor like it just makes him so much hotter it's like camp goggles like when you're at camp and like the boys get cuter like five days in and like they're not actually hot do you know what I mean yeah it's because you have no options so you're like well I guess Tony is cute I like you I think I love you let's go steady so I think it's I get where you're at there my thing is like he shouldn't be attracted to you and I think that's a little gross in the sense of like not necessarily your age but also like the fact that he is he does have this upper hand of being a professor and like having the hots for your student to me is like having

the hots for someone that like you're kind of above and like control power thing and I don't think like i don't know i don't i think if he was like a really really like good honest guy he wouldn't have matched do you mean like i i think how it has played out it's kind of fulfilling that idea that he's more of like a oh this is my ego yeah i think when older men because he was what 30 what how old 30 30 30s yeah so probably like mid 30s 33 35 going for a 21 year old i think that's pretty indicative of how best this person acts yeah because why would you want to be with someone who is 10 years younger than you yeah like what in the world do you've lived a life you probably have a mortgage homegirl still in school and she's like i worry about grades like

why would you want to interact with that yeah so i think that's a clue i also think it is a power thing i was once your teacher i held your grades in the palm of my hand he still does because grades haven't come out yes and i personally i don't think you should go for him because i think he's really i think he showed his his colors like i think he if i were him and i wanted to swipe right on her i probably would have swiped right on her and then said i know this is weird because i was your teacher yeah i did find you attractive i do not wish to engage until after grades are in but even still that's kind of fucked up and weird i don't think you should go for him i think you should go for someone closer to your age i don't like him yeah i don't like that it's

like a sleazy move and also you we don't you don't know as like his student if he's even allowed to have like relationships outside of like school with students even if they're he's not specifically their teacher like you don't know that and the fact that like if he was actually like genuinely really interested in you it would be like turmoil for him it would be like i cannot swipe right on this like i need to like this has to like i have to wait till she graduates i need to find a different job and then tell her i have feelings for her but like it just is a little too careless in like the sense of like oh yeah i'll swipe right and it's also just assuming that like he's he is allowed to date do you mean like it's like you don't know that students has he fucked yeah every

semester does he find a new student maybe that why he's the new professor because he just left because the other bounces from place to place because they're like sir you gotta keep your dick in your pants when you're teaching also you're an adult he's an adult yeah so just like if you want to engage keep a lot of things in mind yeah I think it's hotter in theory than it actually will be and I think once once at least for me like I think as women especially like you know like men are so much more immature and so that age gap in that range makes sense but I think back to like when I was I don't know however much younger I was like your mindset is just different and then being attracted to someone who is in the same mindset that you were at at that

age you just know like that's not something I necessarily want to get into whether it's like oh our lives are super different but it's like oh me at 21 that's not I don't want to be that kind of 21 year old guy that she's looking at like I don't want to deal with that kind of stuff and yeah I just think it's not a good look on his part and I think you can take this as like the confidence boost like the ego boost it can be a funny thing with your friends like he swiped right on me and then you still have all of the power and like if anything that's kind of like what he i think wants from the situation and now you have it all and so just leave it there also yeah don't message him have him message you yeah because then you can suss things out

is his opening message creepy is it nice yeah you don't engage he has to yeah and then also look up and see if he's even allowed to like what's the student like the conduct handbook or whatever at school look that up too and then yeah if he comes to you and you see all that stuff also i would just give it some time because i think it might just it might be funny more than anything you know when something's like and you're like oh or something when a dick falls in your lap and then you're like do i want this dick and you're like well did i really want this dick before it just ended up here you know so i would wait it out i agree okay should we go on to the next hey megan uh so basically my friends and i are all 21 or 22 and we live in canada and our one friend uh went

on a family vacation a little while ago earlier this year and she met a military guy who lives in the states they ended up hooking up hanging out and having a good time which is great but when she came back she told us that they were basically dating she then told us that he decided to surprise her with a trip to jamaica and that he's going to pay for everything keep in mind they've known each other for approximately three weeks at this point so right off the bat we're kind of concerned about this whole situation and how this relationship is going to work out she then tells us that before this jamaica trip she's going to move to the states to live with him um so she dropped everything here she left her apartment her cats her friends and her family

and basically got everything and left um he got a credit card in his name for her to use down there he pays for their rent and he also pays for her rent up here in Canada. They went on their trip and she's still living with him after being away for three months and is going to continue to live down there until the end of summer because that's when he gets deployed to Afghanistan until February. The thing that makes us most concerned is the fact that she has no friends down there, she can't get a job because she's not a citizen and doesn't have a visa or work permit she has no hobbies and all she does is hang out at home we've never met this guy her parents haven't even met him and she won't even let us facetime to meet him um we don't think they even are interested

in coming back to canada to be introduced um but she has met his family a couple weeks ago and it looked like everyone everything went well but now we're thinking that she's never coming back and possibly thinking of getting her green card her dad does also live in the states and has always kind of wanted to get her green card so that's not a huge surprise but um we're super concerned that they're gonna randomly decide to get married because that will fast track the green card process she does seem super happy which is great but our friend barely talks to us anymore and we're really concerned that we're never going to see her again um so thank you for any advice that you can give and i love your podcast well hot dang that's intense that's so intense who

is the cats i don't even like cats but who has this who has these cats oh my god this is like a 90 day fiance situation do you watch the show it is it's so amazing are you caught up did you no, I'm not caught up. Oh, the towel is a doozy. Oh, I'm excited. Oh, Colton Larissa. My God. Um, I mean, that's tough. I think. Yeah. I mean, but like how much money is he making in the military for all this stuff? Are we, are we just taking, are you taking your friend's word for it that he's the military being deployed to Afghanistan or is the fact and the reason why you're not allowed to video chat with him is because he's a lot older than you're is this just a plain old sugar baby situation that she's come up with this other cover story

but i don't know like maybe if she's seen pictures of them together i don't know because my mind goes to it's this is a full-blown sugar baby situation but like yes i'm also curious about how you're affording to have a sugar baby when you're deployed and also aren't you like i guess it depends on your like ranking like in the military but also our isn't your contact with like the outside world pretty limited while you're deployed so having a sugar baby seems counter it doesn't it seems insane yeah like you're paying for someone and even even if you have sugar like because i watch a lot of sugar baby youtubers oh do you i'm big fan strippers and sugar baby youtubers and and uh uh baby teen teen moms those are like the genres of youtube i love

and food and that's pretty much like that's what i like um and there's like a lot of different kinds of like sugar baby relationships where it's like someone that you meet in person someone that you video chat with and then there's some where it's like just texting but those are all like the more limited like communication ones but if he's deployed that's like little to no communication so what is he getting out of it yeah i'm fully confused about the situation yeah but also it's like it's her life i you can scream as much as you want that you don't like what she's doing but when you're in a situation and you think it's okay it's really hard to see the outside perspective so i think you just have to wait and be there for her for as long as you want to be

there for her and if being there for her starts to affect your life in a negative way you have to remove yourself from the situation yeah i think that's a shitty thing but i think that's i think that's it yeah and i think it's good because i think being able to like bite your tongue and i'm sure you've said your piece already like i don't think you need to say anymore but also you are very rational and valid and thinking like she has no friends she has no hobbies like this is like if this is if it really truly is like a whirlwind romance with this guy who's about to get deployed that lonely i've had friends who've had dated guys who have been in military and even them when they're like in their normal life deployment even if it wasn't just like

such a fast quick relationship like it was really hard to not have them be around and so this has been like a fast really really quick thing so i think the more that you can just still stay in contact with her so if she does or when she does feel really lonely and maybe is like what the fuck did i do i need to come back and like she kind of gets these she's got her place paid for still so yeah yeah then then she'll be able to tell you but i think you don't want to ever be the i told you so friend who you're afraid of like coming back if you're just there for her she won't feel like i failed i fucked up i have to make this work i have to yeah it's like oh my friend's there for me i'm talking to her i'm lonely kind of like when carrie bradshaw goes

to paris uh-huh and miranda does is a little hard on her yeah but then starts being supportive while she's there and then she's at that payphone she's like i don't know what i've done she's like come home she's like i don't know and then she stays for a little bit and then big has to go get her yeah guys i just watched that it's the six seasons not great but no i thoroughly enjoy it still it's like bad but so good yeah i can't it's great like when she's waiting for the russian and she's wearing a dress that takes up the whole bed i'm like no where were you going but she looked where beautiful and also how were you getting there yes like what car is this like katie perry met gala are you in like a sprinter van holding the top like it's so fucking big imagine being the

uber i'd be like get another one exactly and what was it like 2009 are there ubers there's no ubers you're squeezing into a cab like oh my god okay back to the call um i think that you're i think i think you're exactly right you can't protect anyone from like making these sort of mistakes and the only thing that you can do is be there for her when she inevitably realizes all of this i'd say like my mind also does go to like i don't know like true crime murder podcasts which like this seems all of this seems really really fishy to me yeah so i think the more that you can stay in contact with her and the more that she can open up to you um you're able just to have the information to then i mean like not that i'm saying like oh anything goes like terribly

wrong or whatever but that like that you're someone that she's going to contact and talk to especially because she doesn't have people there also maybe you can text her or something and be like hey i took a booty bouncing bar class and there's one near you oh yeah you should take one and then we can just talk about how we liked it just to like find a common ground so then she can get used to like hanging out with other women other people and then maybe she'll talk to one of those other women if she is in a bad situation and then she might feel more comfortable opening up to you yeah i think being supportive when you don't agree with someone is the most helpful thing to do and it's so hard it's hard but you literally can i have like a couple of friends who've gotten

divorced and then later our friends are like oh we hated him and they're like what what do you mean and it's like well how i'm not you married him i'm not gonna be like he's a piece of shit i was at your wedding like i'm not gonna say that to you no afterwards i'll be like yeah when he did x y i didn't agree but like you wanted to go through with it it's about the happiness you're happy yeah and i think that's it can be and i have been in the exact same situation where it's so hard to want to be and all that matters at the end of the day is your friend's happiness and you said your friends she seems really happy yeah and so the more that you can stay in contact with her and not in like a hovering like mom way then you're going to be able to know and tell if she no longer

seems happy like this is a totally weird situation like does it do i think that like it's fishy sure but like also could it just be like a really weird serendipitous thing like yeah but the only way that like she's gonna be able to feel comfortable talking to you is if you make it so it's not like interrogation and like yeah exactly come up with other things for you guys to talk about and things that can also get her into hobbies and out of the house and all that stuff and also if i were you and your other group of friends i would stop talking about it because that's yes such an alienating feeling it's alienating but then when women get together they start to conspire and they're like what if we fly down there sneak into her window we put a potato sack over her

head and we take her back to Canada like you'll just start like and then you'll spiral and you'll be like he's gonna murder her like you just yeah I think you're right stop talking about it yeah just what wish the best for her and the more you like that you can be in contact with her through that you'll be able to tell if like things are going well but yeah someone can always tell when you know when people have been talking about you and you feel yeah then then i get her wanting to kind of distance herself because it feels like a lot of judgment especially if you text and you're like well we were thinking it's like oh who's we bitch she sends a selfie and there's like seven of the girls it's our pre-prom group like oh yeah not about that but yeah you know keep in contact

with her let us know give us an update i would love to know please let me know if an update happens I will hi Megan I'm 24 I was with my last boyfriend for two years we recently broke up two months ago um my main problem is that I just don't know how to tell anyone um he was my first boyfriend and so maybe that's why but like it took me weeks to even tell my best friend and then um I haven't told a single person in my family and I live with my parents so it's just kind of weird and like my aunts have like asked me questions like oh is he graduating this year and I'll just be like no and then change the subject like so I'm just living this lie because they think that I'm still with him but I just feel like it's super awkward and like a downer

and like I just don't know the right time to bring it up or how and like it's I just feel like it's embarrassing even though it was my decision and I think it was the right decision it just seems embarrassing to tell someone that um so yeah I don't know how to tell them and then also I just don't really want to get into the reasoning with my family um we broke up because he was addicted to weed and letting it he let it ruin his life like um lost his job got kicked out of the military and dropped out of school so definitely was going on a downhill spiral but um yeah even though we're not together I don't really want to tell my family that because it would make him look it would make them look at him in like a negative way um so yeah if you

have any ideas of how to tell them but like I don't know some of my friends have said like you can just tell them we broke up and if they ask why you can just say that's none of your business but I just feel like that's very rude to say um so yeah if you have any suggestions for that and then also um I lent him a lot of money which looking back was stupid but yeah like he would run out of money um and couldn't pay rent and stuff so I would lend him money and he always said he would pay me back but now we're broken up and I've asked him twice already to please pay me back and he responded k dot so um I don't know like how to like ask for it I would like my money back And I just feel like it's rude when I was doing that to help him out.

And us being broken up really doesn't change that fact. The evil revenge side of me wants to be like, if you don't give me my money back, I'm going to tell your mom you haven't quit smoking weed because she thinks that he did. And his mom would ruin his life. So I know that's not like the most healthy way to do it. But yeah, let me know your thoughts. And that's all. Thanks. one he's gotta know there's better drugs to ruin your life with also where are you on the weed

addiction i don't buy it i do not think he's addicted to weed oh i know so many pot we live in la i know so many people who show up to work high all the time i do stand up people do stand up high all the time yeah um you can ruin your own life but weed can't ruin your life yeah i don't i think maybe he's into harder things yeah i think and he's always looking for money weed is pretty cheap yeah and like getting kicked out of the military like getting kicked out so weed is if you're fucking smoking weed and you're in the military you've got about 32 seconds before someone smells and you're out goodbye like it's not it's not like that to me i'm also thinking like is it something harder because it's something that you'd need to get caught for that's like a

little bit like yeah no smoking weed in the military is like something you would do if you didn't want to get sent to like vietnam well it seems as if i would assume his family or his mother who would ruin his life yeah was like join the military i'm done with you they'll shape you up and then he was like nah bruh no no light up yeah i don't think you're gonna get a penny of your money back but good lesson going forward don't don't lend people my mother used to say uh don't lend people money unless you don't expect to get it yeah exactly so like give someone money if you're like it's i'm throwing it into the ocean um also you can say to your family it's none of your business i think women are raised to be accommod accommodating and to always answer

a question so like i just recently learned if i cancel a show for any reason or don't feel like hanging out with somebody and they're like can you do this i just go no and i don't go because i'm doing x y and z i don't have to tell i don't owe you anything yeah you can just say no and if your family if you're like hey so me and bob broke up and they're like oh why and you're just like didn't work out that's what happens when people break up and then you can skip on to your room yeah I I fully agree with you I think like this the theme of your life from what you've told us in the call is being overly accommodating for other people and I think this not telling your family everything is a really great exercise in you of knowing that like you don't exist to make

other people happy and to like appease other people and to like you don't exist to make your parents proud at all like that's not what your job on the earth is to like constantly make them proud because that's like it's like your parents are going to be proud of you regardless your parents love you they're you're putting this unnecessary pressure on yourself and they might be doing it too but they're not necessarily intending it and you just need to like stay clean and like what is yours and what is not anybody else's business and the same thing in a relationship like not loaning money to someone because unless you have no intention and no plan on getting it back like I've done before I've like loaned like money to friends and they'll

pay me back and i'm like oh what is this for like that time you only money i was like oh i fully forgot about it yeah i gave it to you because of the goodness of my heart and i didn't expect anything back because no matter what there's resentment and you're not a bank like there is no paperwork this isn't a real loan like there's a reason why you're being asked for that is because they're not going around and doing it that way and i think when someone asks you for money and isn't getting like a loan from the bank if it's like a larger sum of money it's because they also don't have an intention of giving it back yes like that's why they ask you great you know advice like if you're asking me i have to know that i'm you're not going to give it back and you're asking me

because you also know you're not going to give it back anybody who is listening right now when someone asks you for money you say oh you should get a loan from the bank that way you can pay them back on a schedule and i don't have to worry about it exactly because it creates so much resentment and I think like you're also still trying to protect your boyfriend's image to your parents but I don't think it's about him I think you're trying to protect your image and like your taste in men and like all of that stuff and like parents can be like very like a lot of pressure when it comes to dating like we've had people on like so many calls and podcasts about like oh parents wanting us to do this and this and this and I think like if you can and you don't have to be

rude and you can just say like you know what it didn't work out and also you can also lie you can just say like you know what it didn't work out like things weren't going super well um i you can even say like i decided i want to take some time for myself or you can be like he was being like and you and even if like taking control and power is telling the truth and saying that like he was being a dick and letting them think shitty of him because it's not about you yeah well also why protect his image who cares you're not together he owes you money yeah it really does yeah if anything be like daddy we broke up and he owes me so much money daddy daddy can we take the helicopter please to go get my money back i don't know why i believe that

she's got infinite money and daddy's rich i love it daddy warbucks daddy gosh goals really but yeah i i i think a i would give up on the money i think i would this sounds really hard and maybe you into this i would admit to at least a couple of people that you loaned him money because i think like there's a shame like a a shame aspect there that you don't want uh people to know but i also think like if this is in your nature to be super giving you should have some friends who know that this is in your nature to then stop you from potentially doing it again the next time you're like oh this dude asked me for money and i think i'm gonna give it and your friend's like girl yeah like remember remember exactly like i think like there's sometimes where like when we do

things that are like not like shameful or embarrassing like keeping them to ourselves because like I don't want anyone to know but then there's other times that I think it can be like a a lesson in like oh this isn't gonna happen again or also oh I need to like speak this out loud to know that I have an issue with this and like if I tell somebody maybe we can figure that out but yeah I just say you tell your parents the like the truth or you lie or you tell them like you know what I really don't want to talk about it and it isn't their business and they can't force you to talk about it no you can be so afraid oh i don't want them to think i'm like it's not the end of the world they're gonna get over it they probably think less about this situation than

you're thinking about it oh so they're just like where's he at and they're like oh not there i should ask where he is okay let's make dinner like yeah i don't think they truly care what if you just make write a long or not even long what if you just write an email and mass send it to all of your family members and saying fyi we broke up i don't want to talk about it this is all you're gonna hear about it the end goodbye like yeah you could do that get it straight to the point if you feel awkward or text people and just it's like text your friends say like hey i really don't want to talk about it but like this would happen but like i feel like i need to tell you but i don't feel like i don't want to talk about it and i don't want to have a conversation about it which

is why i'm not saying this face to face like this is just a fact and if i want to talk about it i will approach you like if that's what you want to do just to like say it and get it out of the way i think texting leaves the door open for someone to text you back yeah maybe emails the best yeah but normal people don't email as much exactly which yeah maybe then i know that's their fault if they don't check it oh there you go yeah okay and then wait and then anytime anyone asks you like where he is just be like forward and go per my last email per my last email did you see i love it as for my last email i don't know what the clarification you need is uh or like do you have like pictures on instagram archive them like you don't have to like there isn't like are you a

youtuber do you need to have a breakup announcement video like i don't think people i think like you said i think you're caring about it more than everybody else's i think they're being polite and asking about it and i think like you just if it comes up you don't have to lie you don't have to keep up the appearance for anyone i think you're doing that a lot more for yourself okay guys it's time for a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're gonna hop into the rest of the calls yeah hi megan melissa and our guest um i'm calling because i'm 24 and i'm a virgin i feel really weird saying that and i've always been really ashamed of it and definitely never thought that's something that I'd be saying um but I've never

been a really sexual person and I'm just introverted and I've never even really had a real boyfriend um anyway basically I've somehow found myself in a relationship long distance with a guy that my best friend has always been trying to set me up with from back home um I live in Nova Scotia he lives in Ontario so it's been like three years of trying to get us set up so we finally met up when I was home a few weeks ago and we went on a real date and it went really well so we've been talking ever since and now he's coming to visit me I'm really into it and I'm super excited and he says that he's all in probably because this has been going on for like three years like building up to this so it's so amazing but I'm terrified like I really want to

have sex with him but since I've never done it before I don't know if I have to tell him or how to tell him um I and I just don't really know how to initiate with that that with someone else or how to go about showing him that I'm interested um I just feel so insecure about being a virgin and I think that it's like almost embarrassing to tell someone that at my age and I feel like there's this like weird unspoken notion that like your first time has to be like this big life-changing event and I honestly just want it to be over with there's not some big emotional or religious reason for why it hasn't happened for me it's just because i'm a shy person i want to have sex i've wanted to have sex for a long time like i'm comfortable with myself

masturbating and all that i just don't want it to be a big deal but anyway he's coming to stay with me for three days and we're going to be sleeping in the same bed and it's just weird and i don't know how to handle this and i would really love some advice because i want to have sex with him and i see a potential future here i just really really like him i don't want this to be a deal breaker or make his trip awkward and i don't want him to leave and wish i'd done something differently so i'd love any advice you have for me i love your podcast bye she is the sweetest also there's such an unnecessary pressure on people to have sex by a certain age yeah there's a whole movie about it american pie does not age well oh god just rewatched not it sequel doesn't

be bad oh wait yeah but uh yeah i think we as a society need to stop putting pressure on people to have sex by a certain age you can be a virgin for as long as you want it's your choice it's your body that being said you got to tell him not up front yeah because then he has expectations that are going to build in his head and then you'll spend like the first day being like well it's gonna happen tonight it's gonna be bad it's gonna be good like I would say like you're making out and you go hey sometimes women go I've never done this before but I've actually never done this before and can we go slow and take it at my pace um please also it's not a big deal that this is my first time yeah and I'm interested in I want to have sex with you this isn't me saying this

as like a oh i don't want to like i want to i agree i think like first of all we get so many calls of people of like all ages being like i'm a virgin and i'm so embarrassed i'm at this age and like there's such a huge range i have friends who like are into their 20s and are also still virgins and it's you're right it's something that people don't talk about but like you're not the only one like at all and i understand like not having it not be for religious reason honestly i think there's a huge thing i think if you didn't have like a serious relationship in high school and you didn't have sex in high school and then you go to college and you're like well I don't want to just have sex with like the first person that I see then you're probably going to end up

or potentially going through most of college not sleeping with anyone and then getting into your 20s and going well it's not a big deal but suddenly it feels like it's snowballed into something that it doesn't mean a ton to me but it's I'm afraid it's going to mean a ton to him so what I would also say I think you 100% have to tell him but I also would say I think whatever he chooses to do is gonna be so telling of who he is as a guy like any guy who's like finds out that you're a virgin and is if he's like oh i'm out he was gonna be out after you slept together probably and then some men have this notion where they're like i can't take your virginity and it's like virginity is not a thing to be taken no it is a anything the balance beam took it like yeah

it truly just means you just haven't had a dick in you yeah you might have had a cucumber exactly or a hairbrush and also it's the it is it's a super like heteronormative idea of like penetration yes sex yes and that's also a whole thing in itself i think like you tell him because just like you said like it's i think that you run the risk if you don't tell him and like you're saying you're not super sexual and experienced i think you might you're saying you're really interested in him i think that he if you don't tell him beforehand i think he might take your nervousness as you're not interested and then he won't end up making a move but i think if you say like when you're making whatever and or like yeah and say and even if you want to do it before he gets there

and like talk to him on like facetime and just be like hey like before you get here or as it's happening in the moment i think that might put pressure on yeah okay so let's do the moment beforehand let's say in the moment and then just be like uh hey i just like want to tell you something like like i don't i don't ever do this but uh i have never had sex before and i it's not a big it's not a really just say it's not a religious thing i was never like saving myself for marriage it just kind of never really happened i was pretty shy growing up and i just didn't have a ton of experience um and i really like you and i'm interested in i'm interested in you and i really do want to have sex with you i don't want you to feel like this is a lot of pressure on you

or this is anything i do think it needs to be truncated oh because if you do a like a monologue that gives him time to think okay so then what do we say i think you're just like i know some girls say that like they never do this i actually haven't also it's not like you're the chosen one i just haven't had sex but i do know how to make myself come here's how i do it and then you like get right back into it yeah i think yeah just like short sweet and then be like yeah and then he's like oh wow wow that was okay you just have to do it fast you confuse him and then you just make out with him again just say it fast and keep making out and he'll be like whoa wow because i think it's like short sweet yeah get back into the sexy time then he's like

oh yeah she's like good still interested she's interested yeah she was just telling me a piece of information and then also you haven't had sex before i'm sure you've watched a lot of porn talking is very good and telling someone what you like is good yeah what you don't like is good yeah um and then also you can tell them to go slower if you are nervous or if it's uncomfortable yes also make foreplay girl so much fucking make him eat you out oh yeah make him fucking diddly clit for a little bit make him suck on like wiki wiki wow yes yes like make him dj on your clit uh let's see what else like kissing all your body parts yeah yeah like just really i know like your first time doesn't need to be special and a lot of people's aren't but like you are old enough to

communicate exactly what you want so you can have a very enjoyable experience and if you don't masturbate i would say however much time you have before he gets here i would like make that your full-time job yeah or part-time if you have another job like nope quit your job stay inside don't turn on the lights or turn them on your side hustle like you just it like I would focus on that and the thing I'll say though as much as I fully agree I think if if it if the physical stuff with him naturally occurs and you can you're able to say it in the moment but if you feel like you're too uncomfortable like you're if he's not instant if he's not starting the physical aspect of it and he's kind of waiting for you and you don't feel comfortable doing that and it's like

getting towards the end of the trip and it's like then i think then tell him and have that conversation with him because then he might be like oh she's not into me but i think the the first like first the dream way would be in the moment as things are happening yeah but if he hasn't made a move because he's kind of sensing that he's maybe not sure that you're into it then i would just say it because waiting it out if he doesn't make a move the first night i think you need to tell him i agree because i think waiting out i don't think he's then gonna make a move a second night he's going off of your vibe and you're saying to us that you're totally down to fuck him but like I am I know that like awkward feeling where you're like I'm being sexy and then

in reality you're like I'm sitting in the other room he's like I'm not looking at him and he's like I feel like she hates me and you're like oh am I not conveying that I'm totally down to like fuck you it is wild what you think you're doing and then what you're actually doing yes yeah like when you think you're obviously like flirting with somebody and then it's like you're just an asshole and a bitch and they are like oh i think she hates me and then when you're like oh i'm being really subtle they're like so you're fucking and i was like oh for sure this is looking at me because that was definitely me my boyfriend and i i thought we were very subtly flirting and everybody was like we thought you were all fucking real you know we weren't and we could

have been like you all were just chill with us working first time i saw them i was like oh they're fucking um and then i would also just say like be vocal with how like if you're uncomfortable or in pain or anything like that like good for him to know and yes you don't have to suffer through pain no yeah don't have to i feel like we just women in general we're just like uh-huh like uh my friend read an article that was like our period pain is the equivalent of like having a heart attack yeah and we just suffer through it and we go to work having many heart attacks in our pussies all the time and then men are like what are you on the drag yes i'm dying yeah having heart attacks and they're just like i have gas i have to see them from work

like oh god babies literally really very very true um also just another tip i tend i personally found that i think the second time was more uncomfortable than the first time oh interesting you know because also like it isn't like that whole like oh we're being really slow and gentle because like this is the first time yes so it's a little bit more like oh oh let's do it yeah Okay, so on to the next one. Hey, Megan, Melissa, and guests. I'm 18, and my boyfriend is 19, and we've been in a relationship for a little over two years.

So my boyfriend watches a lot of porn, which I've never had a problem with because he's never chosen porn over me, but I recently found some pretty sexual photos of girls on his phone that we both personally know. I wasn't snooping on his phone. He was sitting right next to me, and i only found them because they were in an album of pictures of me i think it's really

strange that he has these pictures of girls that we both personally know and went to high school with oh and by the way the pictures were like photos they posted on instagram so they weren't like sent to him so i guess that's a little better i was just wondering if i'm being annoying and the crazy girlfriend or if this is reasonable are you crying or laughing i think she was laughing you're right it's a spank bank he's just masturbating to women from instagram taking screenshots and putting them in also like our like save on instagram that's a different thing you know but also was he going through them next to her right how rude maybe you wanted her to see yeah maybe yeah i would ask him and be like also i think it's i can't tell if it's better or worse

that you're also in the album you know that he masturbates to his own girlfriend that's like sweet no it is but wouldn't it be sweet if it was an album of all her and then there was another album of girls who weren't her so it's like am i into masturbating my girlfriend or am i masturbating to like becky from like english do you know maybe he like starts with one girl and then actually comes with her or maybe or maybe maybe he's got girl on girl fantasies and he's picturing you and these other girls. He like pig stitches them together. So he's like looking at one and he's like

What is that like elf thing you could do? Like elf yourself and make the little dances? He has found a sexual app to make porn and he just puts both faces in it. Honestly, I would just wait till the next time he's looking at these other women while you're next to him and be like, what the fuck is that?

And then he's like, can you hide it? Yeah. Just, I get that you masturbate to other people who aren't me you're a dude I get it but like yeah just don't do it in front of me yeah I agree I think I think you have every right to be like annoyed and like feel shitty because like it is a weird thing and I think it is a level of like it's a respect thing it's like you know what if you're going to do like you're gonna do that I know you're gonna do that it's like the same thing if like you're underage and you're like drinking in front of your parents they're like

okay bitch I know you're gonna do it but like don't disrespect me and do it in front of me at least try and hide it literally exactly and it should be something like that where it's not necessary I'm not saying that like masturbation is something to be ashamed of and you're already cool with porn and I think like sometimes like that being cool with things can then maybe like oh yeah no I can just like do whatever but it's like you know what you have limits and just because you're okay with porn means that you're allowed to draw lines in other things I'm cool with porn I'm not cool with like my boyfriend like following a bunch of like Instagram porn stars because I'm like you know what you're not using that to masturbate because you're like on your eye like

go if you're gonna watch porn to like get off watch porn to get off make don't watch a girl to watch porn don't be scrolling through this we're gonna be like i guess i'll get hard now or even if you're like i have no intention of getting hard like i wonder what crystal's caption is today like it's a little too personal you know like that's for me like it no longer serves a purpose and it's more just and i think it's important to have a distinction to be like i'm not mad it's just a respect thing yeah also take me to mcdonald's to make it up for me exactly yeah yeah give me a happy meal if you feel weird about him masturbating to girls that you guys both know you can say like you know what that makes me feel really uncomfortable yes he might still

totally do that but i think you're you have every right to say hey that makes me uncomfortable i don't mind but it's porn stars love that you're masturbating to me but like when it's people that we both know like that makes me feel weird because i know them and it if it makes you question his feelings for you that's totally valid i would i'm honestly gonna say i do think he's probably picturing girl on girl and i think that's why you're also in there because i do think if like if it wasn't about you i mean i don't think you'd be in there is so curious to me oh it's every guy's fantasy but you are not involved oh no they're usually just like watching it yeah but like why they don't want you they want another well it's confusing to me i think i think it makes

sense because i mean like guys love watching or straight men i don't want to like generalize but like it's a statistically like they really love lesbian porn yeah and getting off on that because they don't if they're heterosexual they don't necessarily want to see they can vision they can envision their own dick they don't need to see someone else's dick and i think it's a lot of like oh this is what's happening and then maybe it's more imagination and then i come into the picture and this is what i would do it's softer sex and i think men yeah don't want to admit that they're big old softies it's true except the ones who like the ones where they like give blowjobs so much the girls like cry and choke make me so upset some of them like puke i know

and it's hot and it's called a forced blowjob that's and i'm like you also you're getting off on you named it something bad yeah okay well i think it's consensual hopefully yeah but forced is a word that implies implies that it's non-consensual yeah it's a real bummer i don't like that me neither me neither it does not whenever a man grabs my head i go oh my god with a little pressure behind your head and you're like I know that your dick's there

I'll get there surprise you want me to suck it yeah I know it's not like I hadn't thought of this before also I figured out a way

to get them to stop doing it you kind of lift your tongue a little bit in the back so it hits your tongue and it tricks them into thinking it's the back of your throat and then you just go

and then they're like oh my dick's so big and slamming the back of it hands off wow love it tip of the day men are stupid

they they're stupid you just have to fulfill the fantasy that their cock is so big oh my god it's my esophagus it's it sounds like i hate men and i really do i i do so much but like i want a boyfriend well yeah you're welcome here this is that's very much our vibe very much so i think i okay so if it were me i would feel uncomfortable with it being friends people we know also because I'm insecure um which is again it is my it's totally my thing but there is at least you realize it a lot of insecure people don't realize that and I can sense it I'm like come on just open up just just admit it but I think and it's something like that's a valid thing to there's some things that there's like insecurities that you think in your own head and

then sometimes when something happens it can kind of rationalize it and you're like oh that really like negative part of my brain that i know that is not true but i still kind of like let have an ear in like as soon as something happens that kind of like satiates that it can like light up and so i think like you're allowed to feel weirded out and not okay with it and you're allowed to tell him that it doesn't make you like not cool or a not chill girl um because you can just say like that it's it is weird and also like even if you see them in person you're like oh i find that kind of weird but also again if you feel like you should feel bad about like you should really dislike this and you don't dislike it that much it's really up to like whatever you

personally feel and your own boundaries and like limitations with this like if if it if you just want an explanation or if it's like i just don't want to see it like that's fine or if it's like hey i'd prefer if you deleted that album and like if that wasn't a thing like that really doesn't make me feel great you just need to figure out what that is and then ask for it because you i'm not saying like he's in the i think it was a disrespectful thing for him to do i don't necessarily think it was like ill-intentioned i think it's just dumb and boys are super dumb the dumbest so i would just say what you want out of the situation and say what you need from him and don't be like fix it like just say what you want and then go from there i also can't believe

she didn't say anything in the moment right yeah maybe she was just so like flabbergasted you know how like something happens you're like i can't believe this person's doing this i mean i've definitely yeah i've definitely been in similar situations but like i like i'm like i'm a little crazy so like i will be like meticulous and like a little bit like insane but like i will like i will get the truth out of you in that moment like i'm not gonna be like oh i just saw but i'm gonna get us you know i mean but i think it's amazing that you've just been sitting on this not good for your probably your mental health but like what a chill girl right this you you are a chill girl i'm not chill i am not chill at all i am the least fucking chill i'm not no i'm not good with it

okay so is it time for don't blame them so this is when our callers or our listeners will call in and give their own advice on certain things that we've talked about on previous episodes so if they've been through something similar they can be like oh okay or they get that whole thing so all right so this is from episode uh season four episode five with shireen and so the original caller um was dating um just fuckboys and so this is someone calling with some experience with that people have experienced with fuckboys i'm calling in in response to a call from the podcast with Shereen, about the girl who hooked up with or went on to Tinder or a dating website and met this guy who really, like, told her that she was the one and that she was his dream

girl and all this stuff, because I have a very similar experience. About four years ago, I was also just getting out of a very mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and as soon as I got out of that and it was safe for me to like move home um I went on dating apps I went on tinder and I met this guy who was super handsome um he took me out on this like super lavish dinner and I fell for him very quickly um and it really seemed like he was sending me all of the right signals and after two days and hooking up the second date that we were on he immediately like went cold and was like ghosted me essentially and was like I just want to be friends and that was my first experience with like a fuck boy to be honest and I guess what I wanted

to say was that I was really hurt by it and I felt like there was something wrong with me and that you know I was unwanted but instead of just like quitting dating apps I just kind of went a little bit harder and had a little bit of a ho phase and it was honestly like the best thing for me um i went on a lot more dates with a different mentality of like i'm not in this looking for the one i'm just here to have fun and i really felt like i wanted attention at that point um like positive attention and so that's what i sought out and four years later i am happily married and i literally can't even remember that guy's name so um i think the other thing too is When you're in abusive relationships, coming out of it, like, having somebody tell you all these wonderful, nice things

and doing all these really nice things for you makes your, like, judgment a little bit clouded. I think that that's what I experienced. And looking back in hindsight, there were a lot more red flags that I didn't realize. And he, like, came on a lot quick or very quickly. And I just don't think that I was in the right mindset to understand that just because someone is being, like, nice to me like whether or not those reasons are valid or that they have the right intention so i just would say keep doing you if you are the kind of person who likes to hoe out i would definitely recommend hoeing out for a while um it was really really good for my self-confidence and

i had a lot of fun doing it and um yeah good luck all right love the podcast talk to you later bye yeah oh my god yeah she's right hoe on out hoe out it's a good it's a good mentality to have though post getting like being the like the fuck boy i think it's a good mentality even if you've never interacted with a fuck boy to just be like i'm here to have fun and have a positive experience and as soon as it stops being positive with that person goodbye yeah yeah it's lower stakes too it's like it's it's not husband hunting or like finding a partner it's like i'm here to have a not to make it like auditioning but it's like you want to have like a good like a good audition and that's it it's not about the end result is auditioning it's true because you're auditioning

to see if you want this person in your life yeah and most of the time you're like no it's true no i'd rather be alone talking to my dog than ever looking at you again true that's the worst that when you go out someone you hate them after so many dates where i'm like you spoke the whole time and you are not interesting and i don't know how you listened to yourself and thought you were interesting but i'll never have to listen to you again yeah god no i'm terrible but no i think it's a good it's a good power move taking the control back um and i think what you said about um coming out of an abusive relationship that makes a lot of sense that like your mentality is kind of skewed because it's someone saying these really nice things to you and it's like oh it's like kimmy

minute first time she's coming out like oh wow you you can anyone can say these things like this is these words are available for everyone it doesn't mean any like the there's you can't know the meaning behind it like everyone can just say it to get whatever they want so i think that does make a lot of sense yes i'm often tricked by people being nice when a man's like hello i'm like whoa yeah isn't it me you're like here's my dick and you're like oh my god you're so thank you how kind you couldn't hold your own dick i'll do it i'll do it here no i take that off your hands so heavy my mouth it's so big i'm gonna choke i'm dying uh well on that note dying and choking on dicks uh that is our episode um thank you so much for being here please plug all of your shit

thank you um i have a special on netflix it's in it's called comedians of the world you have to make sure you're in the u.s side of it because there's 42 stand-up specials in it like all over the world make sure you're in the u.s side i'm the third episode it's like a lot to tell people to get to it's great though i've watched it oh thank you thank you so much what a treat um also nailed it streams on netflix i host that show it's a baking competition it's super fun it's great um i have uh three podcasts why won't you date me on head gum you have to come do it oh i will um best friends with uh sashira zameda on earwolf if you have a best friend you should and then i recapped 90 day fiance with my friend so if i catch up if you catch up you come right

back yeah all three of them and that's on patreon it's called 90 day bay um and i think that's it oh and i'm also on tour yeah uh my website is nicolebyerwastaken.com which sounds like i was kidnapped but the domain name nicole byer was i got it i love that by a woman named olga and it's a long story her name's not even nicole byer no what a bitch no her name is uh olgan i won't tell her whole name well i mean you can you can go to her website go to her web well her website says nicole byer but then i okay so then okay i emailed her and i said uh hey can i like pay you for this domain and she was like yeah ten thousand dollars and i was like us dollars and she was like yes and i was like well t no and then she was like five thousand dollars and i was like five or no maybe

it was twenty thousand then went down to ten and i was like you are batshit bonkers yeah so then i just like uh uh blacked out her name in the email and posted the email to be like in this wild that somebody thinks i have twenty thousand dollars to pay for a domain that you're gonna have to pay to upkeep once a year and then her like boyfriend who's also her former teacher shut up yes emails me and was like she's threatening suicide because you're bullying her online i was like how do you know he was her former teacher because oh i oh you stopped i went on linkedin story him up and then found out he was a teacher at the school that she was attending and i was like this is shady how old is she um i don't know that i can't really figure out give

me her full name i'll look into it okay i'm real good at it yeah we found people so then uh i like emailed him back and i was like well i don't want her to like kill herself over a domain name also i was like what a headline comedian bullies woman to death over a website so i took it down and then i was like i guess it's resolved and he was like yeah come to us with an offer when when uh when you know a couple months from now and then they put a timer so they re-upped the website as soon as it was up because i preemptively did it didn't wait for it to lapse or whatever and then he he accidentally forwarded me plane tickets with her government name on it government name's olga so then i wrote him back i was like i think you mean for olga to see this and periodically he

like forward emails to me accidentally and i always respond with olga needs to see this oh my nicole doesn't need to see anything but olga does uh my instagram's at nicole byer my twitter's at nicole byer and i have a facebook but you know i've never logged in oh i'm so glad i peed um so hope you guys enjoyed this episode if you want to check us out on instagram we're at don't blam meme pod and our website is don't blame me dot show if you want to find out more places to listen it's don't blam me well it's don't blame me don't blame don't blame me pod but when you look at it just the word meme sticks out so we always code don't blam meme pod yeah and now i can only say it like that that's funny don't blam meme pod um and uh

if you're listening to it you can check it out on youtube and watch it vice versa and then if you want to be in an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can leave us an audio message and email it to us at meganpodcasts at gmail.com we will see you and check out our patreon we have a bunch of exclusive episodes content so much fun shit so many cool things you can be a part of message boards all of that good stuff more melissa more megan more is more get your ass there open your wallets and we'll see you next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod

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