Don't Blame Me! - S4E11: M&M August - Panic Attack During Sex?

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

In this episode we’re sharing our advice on if you should move in with your crush, dealing with being “one of the guys,” if you should reach out to family members who have been disrespectful to you, and coming to terms with having a drinking problem. In “Don’t Blame Them” a teacher shares her advice on children humping object. Check out our NEW Patreon Community - https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by ThirdLove and “Hello Girls” Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today we have everybody's favorite melissa and megan back on the podcast together again yeah yeah yeah yeah we should come up with a song okay not now i don't have enough inspiration me either okay and i can't let's loop back to it hey auto tune works for everybody you're right hey britney hey um sup guys welcome back to don't buy me this is an advice podcast let me get the phone number out of the way in case we have some like random shit we want to babble about um if you want to call and be in an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and if you're an international listener you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com you did it again

i said comrade wow you know i think it's this mucinex and allergy medication combo you have me on good i feel like my eyes are really wide which i can't open them that wide because i don't have large yeah that's how mine feel when i'm on it yeah when i'm on that good on that good combo mix that cocktail i had allergies at coachella um not this year because i did not go but a couple of years ago and the allergy medication combo mixed with like the secondhand smoke and like just all of just being around the vibes i was like i don't need drugs i'm fucking good i'm enjoying myself and then the sun went down and i was like i'm no longer enjoying myself here have you ever been to a music festival no okay say what you're gonna say and that's what i was

gonna say i was gonna say you actually like asked me that question no but i but i mean just like general like in high school no college no i don't like people i know i don't like crowds me neither um i think you're just smarter i don't like outdoor toilets well anything else we have to catch up on before we hop into this yes okay but no okay because i wrote about it in the blog but i didn't get a chance to tell you because seizure so and i literally wrote in the blog i haven't even told megan any of this so i'll just tell you later oh fuck oh my god okay i'm on the edge of my see are you dating someone now too no it's not dating it was just i was in the same room with our husband though what the fuck i'm sorry no no no no no no it's in the blocks i can't tell

because of people that play paid for patreon okay will you send it to me yeah okay i didn't talk to him he was just across the room so i'm still winning or losing because i said not real words to him he did like we made eye contact and smiled i'm like wet fuck oh my god you're so lucky let's get on with the show let's do it i'm fuming also where was i okay well i guess we can start the fucking episode hi megan and melissa and i'm sure the wonderful special guest um so i'm 19 years old and I just finished my freshman year of college and I made some amazing friends. I have a great friend group and six of us are living together next year in a house. My issue is one of my good friends, he's a guy and I have what you call caught feelings. I have the biggest crush

i've ever had on the guy in my entire life and uh like it's just different than any other crush i've ever had and i feel we just connect over so many things like music and shows and our humor is really similar we laugh together a lot and it's amazing so i am having trouble deciphering if he's just being a good friend or if he also has feelings and i know if i do anything about it either way it's going to get weird because we're living together next year and we have the same group of friends but i don't i just i i don't know what to do because i really like him and i could possibly see myself dating him um and whatnot but yeah so i just don't know how to go about the situation without making everything an entire big mess so yeah um if you guys could help me with

that that'd be great love you guys love your podcast I look forward to listening to it I'm just like suppress suppress suppress yeah I know I yeah I just think like yeah I I think like as much because you're 19 it was your freshman year this is your sophomore year even as somebody who dropped out of college i can say like the people that you surround yourself with freshman year and sophomore year also can tend to be so different than who you hang out with senior year and like i think six people living together honestly is truthfully better than three people living together because like drama is kind of dispersed and like you're able to even have like two split even groups if people like break off and like get clicky i just think

like i just think it's a bad call to say anything or pursue anything because i also think like i think if he this sounds bad i think if he was into you he also probably wouldn't want to live with you or he does because he's like then we can just sneak to the room yeah bang it out yeah yeah i mean i think you're gonna do it anyway yeah i think if it happens it happens but you gotta you gotta have boundaries because things if you break up things will get weird yeah if you stay together they could be great but it's college man yeah I think if your guys are gonna do anything I think it has to be you you you were right and like you have clearly cut the feels and so I think if he if you're picking up on flirtation or whatever and like he like comes on to you I think

if it's a if it starts physical you have to shut it down because like you have feelings for him so if you guys hook up that's gonna make you be more into him and you haven't had those conversations about okay well what happens if this doesn't work and like let's actually have like a conversation about it because like maybe he doesn't want a girlfriend he doesn't want anything serious he's just trying to have fun and then you hook up with him and you find that out later and then it's like shit now i'm devastated and i don't want to live here so i think you need if it starts if him just coming on too physical i would say like hey like if you're drunk or whatever and be like hey like we're room like let's you know what let's talk about this sober tomorrow like let's

have a conversation about this like i don't want to do anything that's like i just like want to make sure that like we're not putting ourselves in like a weird position um and so like let's talk about it and if he's like no come on it's casual who cares then i can say save your pride and don't bring it up yeah but i think if he's then like okay let's talk about it be i don't think you need i don't think you need to like come forth and say like hey i really like you I think you can be like so what was up with last night and like well what are you looking to like I don't think you have to talk about in specifics of how you feel about him I think you can be like well like are you looking to date like are you is this something that you want to pursue like

are you interested in me or like is it just more of a convenience thing because like we're both here and then based on him if he's like no I like really have feelings for you like I really like you too but I like we have to like talk about this yeah because even if you guys like both have feelings for each other and are going to date it's still awkward because you're in the same place so it's like you've even though you might not be like staying in the same room together you're still living together and it's like you've skipped a bunch of steps oh yeah yeah no i yeah i think like yeah i i think and then at this at a certain point like you have to also look into how much is it going to cost for you you wouldn't even like how much is it going to cost if you're

gonna have to move out if you break up like and like weigh those pros and cons too not just your friendship way like okay is this going to do I like him that this much that if we broke up is this going to affect like my studies am I gonna need to retake classes am I gonna need to take time off from school am I gonna need to find a new place to live is this going to ruin my friendships with like my other friends like is this going to like make other am I gonna lose some people if him and I if we like lost each other in that sense so yeah I also think if you guys both are super super into each other I think call me crazy I think one of you then should move out first before you start dating not that I'm saying it should be him but like it could be him

like it could be like if you guys are both and maybe that's a good test to see if you're serious about it and then like broach the subject with him if he said like no I really have feelings for they're really strong it's like okay well then one of us i think needs to move out because this is going to put it in a really bad position and if he's like no i mean that's insane then i think you can be like okay well you're not really as serious about this as me um and then also i'd say like i i if you feel uncomfortable being around him and like this whatever if this comes up and like if he doesn't have feelings for you and it also feels awkward and there's nothing wrong with also recognizing and being like you know what i can't do this yeah and the amount of money that

it costs like break your lease or like to move somewhere else even if your friends are like being like oh that's like dramatic whatever you don't have to tell them the reason why like no to like preserve your mental health because if this is hurting you now if he brings a girl home and all of that stuff like it's so much i think there's so much the stronger choice is the harder choice which is the one that's moving out finding a new place to live and doing all of that stuff it's not stronger to like sit there and take like that kind of like pain and drama because that's hard to like deal with and move on from um so i would also say like even now if it feels like you're too nervous to move in like you're you don't want to move in with him and like you don't

even want to like figure out like the relationship stuff or any of that like i think also like look for other places to live like don't feel like that this is like your bed so you have to sleep in it kind of a thing right so yeah best of luck good luck one time a guy i had a crush on asked me if i wanted to be roommates and i was like what the fuck i don't know it's the one who i had sex with has really small penis oh yeah and then i took that as being like so you're not into me because you want to be roommates yeah you know i agree right yeah well let us know what happens best of luck your life sounds really fun yeah where do you go to college i know can i come i'm too old now no you're not cool thanks you can be a grad student true i'm 19 i'm just like finishing up

high school and I kind of wanted I guess confirmation that like I'm normal I guess so let me explain I I have a bunch of guy friends I love my guy friends they're great like we get along great I've had so much like crazy girl shit that I'm like over it but I'm very like in touch with my guy side I guess and like I was having a conversation a kid in my school, first a girl explained having sex, and a lot of girls were like, oh my god, that's too much, and I was like, that's kind of epic, and that was the response a lot of, like, guys were also giving, and they were kind of like, see, like, you're just one of the guys, like, you're so cool, they were saying that, like, whoa, I, like, I'm such a guy,

and, like, it's so weird that, like, I have such a, like, guy response, and this probably makes no sense, because I'm completely rambling, but they're pretty much saying that, like, my brain doesn't function like a girl's brain does when it comes to things related to sex or, like, stuff like that, and I don't know if there are other people out there that's like that, or if this is, like, a me thing, like, there obviously has to be someone, but is this a normal thing, or, like, I honestly, like, don't even know what I'm asking for advice on, but, like, at first I was like, oh, yeah, it's cool, I'm, like, one of the guys, but now it, like, is starting to feel weird, like, they look at me differently because

I'm a girl, but I, like, think like a guy does, or, like, I can at least agree with them on their thoughts so i guess if you have any opinions or if you think it's like crazy wild any i don't know something that helps i i didn't know who to talk to so i figured i'd call in i love your podcast i listen to it in my car all the time gosh i uh i don't want to like totally shit on you but i'm like gonna i'm also gonna start by shitting on your guy friends this just sounds like such like stupid classic like high school shit and i've been called one of the guys so many times like i like even like leo and tyler like we'll talk about certain stuff and like in the way that he's like i literally could never talk to any of like my like so many of my any of

my female friends about this kind of stuff and like but that's not like it's not it's like this badge that like women want to wear that it's like i'm not like every other girl like i don't get a lot like there's nothing cool about not getting along with girls like that's not cool and i understand as someone who's had i've had and i've also said before like that i've had i had stints where i like i always had like sydney i always had my best friends back home but i had a really hard time making good female friends in la and all of my friends in la were guys were they straight no but like i for a long time i was like yeah no i tend to like i also tend when i first meet people i tend to hit it off with guys more than girls just in general i have a really aggressive

personality which a lot of times like douchebag guys really respond to so the guys that I immediately hit it off with or like I have conversations with also aren't great guys it's guys who are like oh yeah fucking egos fucking egos fucking egos and that kind of stuff that's not like a cool unnecessarily like a cool thing and I think like I think for you I think the reason why you're calling in this is like I think there's a part of you that like wants to feel like oh wow this feels cool i feel special and different than other girls but i think also you're probably worried like am i too much like a guy when it comes to dating and is nobody gonna want to date me and i want to say this is your friends like this is just your fucking idiot

guy friends who think that girls don't like sex and girls don't talk about shitting and farting and that girls are these like prim and proper things and that they're just like disgusting dudes like that's just it's just a really small like gender gendered idiotic thing right that's not real at all right and like have you heard us i was like you listen to the podcast you're like does anyone else think like this like have you listened to this fucking podcast yeah like we talk about sex all the time yeah we're just we're more i think maybe more mature about the way i mean i won't even go that far but like yeah more i mean we've talked about fucking necks before but like no but spleen yeah come on if anything the only relation i would have like at this age a guy

saying something that is like oh no that makes you such a guy would be like being immature at that if like we're talking like a heterosexual like cisgendered male in high school it would be being immature would be like that kind of thing and like i don't say like ignorant but like also kind of ignorant of the female body yeah like in my mind you being like your friends being like your guy friends be like oh my god you're one of us you're like yeah periods are fucking gross like it's that kind of stuff that I don't think like I also wouldn't take it for you as like a oh I can't get along with girls at all sort of thing I think if I would try really hard to make female friends I think it's incredibly important it's really hard and I've gotten burned by so

many terrible like female friends and it took until I was into I had made great ones when I was younger than when I said like the second wave of friends it took me until I was into like my 20s to make like really good female friends and it's an important thing and it's also like it's a skill because women I find myself I'm more nervous about other women judging me than I am about guys and like it can be harder to like necessarily be yourself around other girls because you're like oh I think they're judging me on things that like guys don't necessarily notice and it can be harder but it's super super important because like you if you have this like I don't know your friends are putting you in this box that like because you can like laugh along

with them at sex jokes and stuff like I don't want them to influence who you see yourself as in your identity and they're telling you you're one of the guys doesn't mean that you have to be one of the guys if you don't want to be like you can laugh at their jokes like you can think some of the stuff they say is funny but like also know that like that doesn't mean that like women don't enjoy sex and women can't talk like that and like i don't want you to feel like oh no i only have to be friends with these straight dudes because girls don't get me because that's super isolating and girls will totally get you and like you're probably just not around the right group of girls yeah which it happens but like there's even times like when i'm with sydney and jerry we it was me sydney

jerry in here one night and we were talking about something and we were talking about like shitting or something like so gross that moths was like i have to leave the room like this is disgusting and like he is like was a frat boy and like he was so grossed out by like us being so like vulgar about something but i think it also just comes with uh i don't know like much this sounds bad but like there's a difference between like like someone being like hoity-toity or whatever and like not talking about something and like like people who are like have no tack like who were like tackled like it's like it's just it can be like a outwardly i don't know i i think it's also like the loudest person in the room sometimes it's me but like isn't necessarily the funniest

person like sometimes the funniest people are saying like the like the quiet hilarious jokes under their breath and like some of like the some girls that you might like know but you don't know that well like maybe they're even more like hilariously grotesque but like they don't their egos they don't need to shout it from the rooftop right and i think that's kind of how like females are i don't know can tend to be more like when you're joking about with that kind of stuff especially in high school oh oh yeah i yeah i just yeah i just think that like i don't want you oh yeah i just don't want them to like make you be someone that you aren't necessarily identifying as and also like it's just gender norms are so stupid like so fucking

stupid i know guys who like hate like like straight men who like hate like like have to be like dressed really proper and like hate getting stuff on their clothes and like very much don't want to talk about like pooping and farting and like but that doesn't make them any less of like a man yep so um yeah i i would say your mission and i'm giving you homework is to uh make some female friends and fuck gender norms yeah fuck gender norms fuck fuck fuck them also straight high school boys if they said you're one of me i'd be like fuck no running away run away join a feminist club do something like that you're almost done anyway yeah 19 yeah wow should we go on to the next let's go on to the next hey hi megan melissa and everyone else that's around um i'm

calling i'm 24 um about a family issue so as much detail as i can provide in three minutes i'm gonna to try to talk fast. So I was recently reached out to by one of my younger cousins. I've kind of stopped attending some of my extended family events on my father's extended family side for various different reasons. And she's kind of coming at me complaining that I haven't been there and that I'm making them feel like crap. But she's only getting one side of the story. So she's saying that I need to reach out to them and that I need to fix this relationship and that it's my fault that everyone feels like crap because I haven't been around. What she doesn't know is that there's so much more to my side of the story.

So my question is, am I wrong in thinking that there are plenty of adults on that side of my family that could reach out to me too, my number hasn't changed, or am I being a child in the fact that, you know, I refuse to reach out to them? So some of the details being, first of all, when I graduated college, my father, my parents are divorced, My father chose not to attend, so I decided to give his tickets to my grandmother. She then chose not to attend, didn't text me, didn't call me, didn't email, didn't anything, or tell me that she wasn't coming. She just didn't show up, and I never got an explanation as to why. And that really hurt because I spent time and money and energy trying to find extra tickets.

Then a couple of years ago, I took my boyfriend to Christmas the first year we were together. and you know I have a large extended family almost 20 something cousins multiple aunts and uncles and then boyfriends and significant others and everything like that you know around and no one talked to us I felt like an outsider in my own family it really sucked and then we came back around for fourth of July and it was the same thing I just didn't feel like I belonged in my own family um found out a couple of years ago that my father stole my identity for many many years and I was going through the process of marking those as fraud, and my grandmother's name and address came up associated with one.

I reached out to her, told her, and she pretty much told me before I did anything, I needed to consider our family name. So that pretty much told me that she was choosing him over me, and I get it. Like, it's her son, but I'm also her granddaughter, and so I just don't feel like I belong in that family. I have found better relationships and felt more cared about and loved by people who aren't even my blood in my boyfriend's family. So I choose to spend holidays with them instead of people that I don't feel like I belong around and that don't seem to care about me. So, again, my question is, am I being a child and not having reached out?

Like, should I just, you know, grow up and reach out? Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors.

Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. to them or am i right that like you guys are adults too if you really care that much my grandmother or one of my aunts or uncles could reach out to me too it's just really sticky situation thanks so much first of all you finished this in two minutes and 59 seconds dude she's a virgo you thank you for giving all that detail in the amount of time and you clearly wrote it down and like wow I love you um is that thing still I'm just here am I crazy oh fantastic it gets in my head um I don't think you're being a child at all because god I relate to you so much um I think

that this is like the biggest I don't know if you're in therapy and I'm not even necessarily going to suggest therapy for you because I mean also I don't want to say that because like my whole thing of being like I'm really self-realized and self-actualized I don't need therapy and then I went to therapy and they were like well yeah that is also an issue for having therapy is being too self-realized I was like oh wow I'm too aware okay cool um but this is like preservation of you and like this is you're looking out for yourself and it is not your responsibility with to it's not your responsibility to like take the like take shots at the expense of like your own mental health to appease people who you're not bending over back you're not doing any doing anything

for them other than just hurting yourself yep like you're not running in front of a car to save a baby you're just running in front of a car because they said hey please run in front of a car and it's it's just ridiculous and people who love you and care about you don't put you through emotional turmoil and don't want to see you suffer and like this is all intentional on their part this isn't a misunderstanding this isn't just like signals crossed this is like events have happened and people have chosen sides and the side wasn't you and that hurts and it's not just like oh my feelings are hurt it's like it's multiple chances that they've had to do anything and like they didn't show up for you no and that's what if that's that's what a family is and like you said

like you found a fantastic chosen family and like that's amazing because like the people and I've said this many times like the people who give birth to you aren't necessarily the people who raise you like you can be a product of your environment like I say that like I think the person that i ended up being the most like is sydney's mom like i feel like i am debbie like that's who i like that is like a strong woman that i've like always like been like this is who i want to be when i grow up like and it doesn't have to be the people who gave birth to you at all and if they're not if family is supposed to love you unconditionally and if they don't love you unconditionally like they're not your family and like you have the same dna but having a little

cousin reach out is so fucking passive aggressive and like you are right if they truly cared and they truly wanted to make things right it would also i would go as far as to say it wouldn't even be them reaching out it would be them reaching out with an incredibly lengthy and heartfelt apology and saying i need to say this because i know that i've hurt you and i don't expect anything in return from you i don't expect this to fix anything i don't expect to see you at holidays but i needed to say this because i intend i hurt you intentionally and i feel so terrible and i i don't want you to i want you to know that that's not truly how i feel and that we really care about you and you always have a spot here and we always want to make you feel welcome

but like it's not that it's like they're not even reaching out to you to apologize they want an apology from you and i've been there when like you cut toxic people out and then they come back around and they're like i'm i'm ready for my apology and you're like bitch i'm not i ain't sorry right i ain't fucking sorry and it's like they're not even coming they're like they're sending your cousin because they think like oh they're close in age so let's send them we can talk to it and my therapist said when you cut toxic people out and people want like an explanation for why you're not there she's like just say there's two sides to every story and leave it at that gosh this is so similar to me i have you met because i literally i have had family members

reach out that are family members by marriage that i've never met literally i had i like checked my i like will check my unwrap my um uh like because i get the only notifications i get on dms or people that i follow but i will like check my dms a lot and like respond if someone's like where's your bathing suit from or like blah blah blah or like say something and i'll like respond um and i saw one of them and one of them was from a family members uh uh significant others kids from a previous marriage and I was like bitch I don't even fucking know you and it was so much very much of a similar thing that it was like this is insane and like I understand like the fact that you are questioning this and have guilt about this or not even necessarily guilt but like that

you're questioning this means that you are an incredibly great person and like you that this obviously this choice was hard for you which it is it's so fucking hard to cut toxic people out it's even harder to cut toxic family members out and you gave multiple chances like these are multiple things that have happened and then once you had your found family there's something very empowering about that and having and feeling completed when you're with the people who really truly love you and then when you have that feeling and then you go back to that toxic place and you get there and you're like this is draining like i'm doing this because i think i have to because i think this is what family is about but like that warm fuzzy family feeling

if you're not getting that that's not why should you be there it's not fucking worth it it's not worth your time at all and i'm so glad your boyfriend's family's great and like you feel like welcome there i don't think you're being childish at all yeah and they're the ones that are being childish in this situation like your grandmother not coming to your graduation what a bitch sorry your grandma's a bitch she is and she didn't say anything to you she didn't apologize that she send you a card doubt it your dad stole your identity he's using up your credit just making things bad and then like using his mom's address as the address for it like that's childish it's he sounds like someone that you babysit like this doesn't sound like your parents and like also

probably why you come across and you are so mature is because you've had to parent your parents and the elders in your life and that you are supposed to be the mature one when reality the as my therapist says like the most mature choice is to look out for yourself and take care of yourself yeah because if you can't take care of yourself then you can't give anything to anyone else yeah and that's not what yeah it's just really not what family's supposed to be and it sucks like i will totally admit like you watch tv shows and movies where like they have like picture perfect families like you want that and if you don't have that like it fucking sucks and like it's something that like you can like wish for and want for but like it's not like I don't want to sound like cut

throat or whatever but like it's not gonna happen and like you have to cut your losses there and build up other relationships in your life and like it does it suck and like is it gonna hurt yes but like the amount of turmoil and pain and like just like feeling like left out and like the terrible stuff that it brings you to stick through it isn't ever worth it and it's like you can build up this idea of what you'd want it to be I'm so guilty of that and I was guilty of that for like so long of like really wanting to stick through things because like you have an idea of what you want you what you wish it was and if it's not that it's not going to become that but there are other relationships and other fantastic people in your life who can fill those spots and who can be like

that and it can make you feel the exact same way it's just it's just hard when you see people who are very close to their families or have this uh idea family and as much as and as i will say as much and as great as it is for you to be a part of your boyfriend's family and to feel really included there i would also say focus a lot on your friends because like as i go to my boyfriend's family for holly like for christmas and stuff like that and like it can also be hard to see like someone else's family be so like as a great family unit and like i love spending time with my friends and their families but they can be like a little triggering and hard so make sure you spend time with like your friends too and like really foster those relationships because like you'll realize

how you can like look up to your friends and have friends be role models who are like your same age like you can have all of those like figures in your life um and not directly compare it to like what you see on tv and movies of like families but yeah i very much um understand your situation and you're making the right call as somebody who second-guessed myself a lot i go to two therapists and it turns out i made the right call so you're good okay let's take a break bye see you in like two minutes did we go on a break or did we just stop we went on the cool wow guys we actually took like a really long break this time we did um we've just been like shooting the shit sorry you weren't here

oh i could have told my story well fucking tits oh my god we snacked we talked for so fucking long and you i can't even okay fine well we're fucking i forgot let's get back to the rest of the questions i'm literally just gonna rush through all of these give shitty advice so i can hear what happened i'm kidding guys no i won't give good advice or i'll try hi megan and guest um I'm 25 years old and calling in with a little bit of anxiety question. So about three years, I started having a lot of anxiety and went to the therapist. Love my therapist. She's the best.

But in that process, I did develop late-onset OCD. So I have a lot of problems with obsessing over things. And unfortunately, those obsessions decided to attach to my hearing aid. We've been together for about seven years, and I love him more than anything in the world. We're being married in November. I'm so excited. But I spend a lot of time worrying, you know, if I love him enough, and it's a really detrimental worry because I know I love him, but it's just kind of like this plague of self-doubt. I know, Megan, you know, because of anxiety, and it's always about that.

But my issue is we're having some trouble with our sex life. Um, I have a lot of sexual anxiety because when we are, you know, in the process of having sex, I usually have a lot of anxiety. Sometimes it ends in panic attacks, but most of the time it's, um, obsessions about, uh, you know, why am I not turned on enough? Why am I not wet enough? Why am I not, you know, why doesn't this feel as good as all the other girls in the world say sex feels? Um, I've never really felt a lot of pleasure from penetrative sex. I've only kind of been able to get off from oral or fingering, so I find myself in the midst of, you know, penetrative sex, thinking, like, when is this going to be over?

You know, I want to, you know, feel good, but then at that point I feel guilty because I'm like, I should be enjoying this moment with my partner, but, I mean, I love masturbate because I don't have to, you know, deal with that anxiety, and I just, I know this is causing kind of a roadblock in my relationship with my fiance. And I really want, you know, I'm going to marry this guy and I want to have an amazing sex life with him. And I know that is going to be involving me overcoming this anxiety. So just what's your advice on, you know, someone that has a lot of sexual anxiety? You know, how do I get out of my head? How do I really, you know, let myself in the moment and, you know, enjoy and not feel goofy? I mean, you know, I've been on

antidepressants for a long time. So I have a lot of weight gain. I don't feel sexy. There's so much that goes into it. I just, I really want that sex life that everyone raves about. So I would love to hear your opinion because I know you're very sex positive and I love that. So thank you. Uh, okay. Bye. Oh my God. I love you. You're great. Yeah, me too. Um, so I feel like I, first thing I'll say love that you're in therapy I think therapy is great plot twist I'm gonna not I'm not saying that I think therapy is the answer to this right now I think this is from my experience personally and like my friends when we talk about sex and we talk about things um that are like the most like in-depth like hookup experiences are not with our significant others like the second that you start

seriously dating someone I like I don't know like I remember I've only like the first time my friends have sex with like the guy that they're like their long-term boyfriend like I heard about like the first time maybe the first two times once I started seriously dating like we didn't really talk about like their specific sex life as much because it's like that's I'm also a part of like this their friendship like I I know both of them it's a little it feels like a little more protected intimacy wise and at least I know for like Mott's he's always said like no like my guy like we as like none of us talk about our girlfriends like ever like we will like we like will like have talked about like girls that we like one night stands hook up with but like that talk like

completely dies when you start seriously dating somebody I think you dated you dated your boyfriend for seven years which is a really long time and it's formidable years like sex years and you probably had a lot of like first sexual experiences or like most intense deep romantic like sexual connections with him but I don't know if you've talked about that with your friends yeah in a sense that like just the fact of you saying like i don't get off from penetrative sex like i only really get off from oral like girl same 90 it's like 98 of women really only get off from like clitoral stimulation like not penetration and like you'd i didn't know that until like i really talked about talked about that with like my girlfriends like that's not something that like

when you see in like movies and porn and you see all this stuff like it's not real it's not actually how like yeah he's not gonna stick his dick in you and you're gonna be like oh no like even sex in the city which was like an incredibly sex positive show like they talk about like going down on girls but like they don't talk about the fact that like you know you need to go down on me or else i'm not gonna come like i've come from penetrative sex like probably five times in my life and like it's also never been like just a dick you're doing other shit with your hands like you've already come like you've already like it's that it's not like and also one time was recently I was really excited because like birthday sex I was stoked well that's also like I told Shireen

when I was like yeah like the first like I had never like come with being a guy like Mott's was the first one and it was uh and it was like what like the first night we had sex or whatever like the morning after the first night we had sex or whatever and like the second time it was like come from penetrative sex I was like this is fucking insane like this is it's but like that's like and we've been together for like four almost four years and it's something like it's it's you would know those things if you talk to your female friends about them and i think like your anxieties and like all of that stuff are so much about being like am i the only one am i the only one and if you're not if even if you're talking about with your therapist like i'm all here for talking

about therapy or whatever i mean talking to a therapist love therapy but that's i think that you'll feel so much less alone not just hearing her voice like treating this like anxiety because it is obviously anxiety but like I think also like opening up to your friends and there's something that feels so great about being like oh my god wow I'm not the only one like okay and like you have your other female friends who are like oh yeah no like I'll lay there during pen drive like okay I'm waiting for you to go down and eat me out like it's you're you're you've got three girls in this room right now two in front of the camera who are being like yeah no like all of that checks out I yeah I mean even like when I first started masturbating it took me like forever to

figure out how to come and I was like oh my god I'm broken like oh my god I'm never gonna be able to do this and then like when I finally started talking to my friends and they were like no come on this is your mission like you got to fucking do this I was like oh okay like this is fine or like friends who've also been like yeah no I never have and like talking about that and doing all that like it's you're able to get out of your own head because a you put it out there and you say it but you're able to get like somebody's response and like obviously us but like talking to your friends because I promise you that they've gone through that too same thing yeah and like I would say too like if you've if like the pleasurable aspect of sex like figure out if like is it the is it what

we're doing that i'm not necessarily super turned on by and like that's not bringing me pleasure or is it the fact that like i'm comparing myself to like this idea of what i think this is supposed to be like based on movies or whatever and not what it's actually really like because also like maybe there's different positions that you like like maybe like you are you're solid on masturbating like maybe there's things that you can tell him to do and like also I think it's totally valid and fine to like ask for like verbal confirmation feedback from him that like he's super turned on and he's really into this and like that he's enjoying having sex with you and he really likes like having sex with you like I mean if I hook up with someone who's like quiet

immediately I'm like oh no I'm terrible like I like I need validation and that's also like a fine thing to ask for and if you're if you're feeling like pent up and like you're just like spiraling uh it can be really hard to like and maybe it's like you stop having sex and you just like talk about it before you get to like full having a full-blown panic attack which I know it's like I hate when people like just talk before you panic attack like well am I gonna have it but like talk through that with him and give him the tips and tools because like right now it sounds like you're just entirely on your own in this and you're in your own head and you're not like you have like female friends that you can talk to about this even do like research and like reading

about like female like the sexism like as like with vaginas like that whole thing and like talk to him about like what would make figure out what would make you feel like more validated and more confident in this like maybe that's like you like sexy maybe you feel like super sexy and like lingerie and like that's something like that or maybe you're feeling insecure about weight gain and like having that verbal confirmation from him of being like nah I hella want to fuck you like i want to poke my dick in you he wants to marry you like he wants to spend his the rest of you guys life together and like i think like i you talked about like how maybe like you feel less goofier or something like recently i started taking pole dancing classes she is fucking

amazing that was twerking i'm not good at the pole dancing i don't believe you because you like even downplayed the twerking right yeah i can like twerk have you seen it uf it is i would say we'd put it first of all i told her if we reach a hundred people on our patreon i'll post it there get that coin yeah honestly though guys it should also be i told her we need to redo your dating profile it is fucking insane but yes continue sorry yeah but like going to those classes like i've always felt mostly comfortable with my body but going to those classes i realized that i wasn't like completely comfortable um and we all wear like in the classes it's all women everybody's in like booty shorts ass hanging out the bottom of them and every everybody it's like

different sizes from like super curvy girls to really skinny girls and every and just the way people are moving like it it's helping like me get more in touch with my body and i i recommend it to anybody because um everybody's comfortable at any size and with no shirt on like it's great i love i'm i want to join yeah but i would even say like i even feel as someone who's been very sex positive i feel more comfortable talking about sex since we've done the podcast yes and talking about it more and like i'm not somebody who like not didn't talk about sex before but like talking about it more and like having those conversations like having it be on the forefront and something that is just like a casual thing like even my friends who listen to the podcast

who are like tend to be a little more like tame and not so much like i'm like i don't fucking like get naked in front of anybody like i'll tell you whatever blah um they will talk to me about they're like more like oh can i like okay and i'm like yeah fuck yeah go for it like i don't know i listen to the podcast i'm like oh we can do this and like talking about that like i think like it's just that's important and then i would also say like if you're like if you're concerned if you're concerned about like not necessarily like oh like if figure out the statements in which blank is like not like everybody else or why am i not like everybody else and then things are like if there are things that you're genuinely concerned about like for you not am I not wet

as other girls am I not as wet as other girls or if you're concerned like I feel like I'm not getting wet just me like not compared to anyone else talk to your doctor look at the medications that you're taking see if there's any sort of side effects like that I'm a big fan of body neutrality and I think like as I think everyone deals with like going through periods um or long extended phases of like hating their body and I'm really focusing on body neutrality with myself but like when you're not if you're unhappy with the way that you look and things like that I think you can also like shy away from checking in with the health of your body and so if you are like oh I'm not getting wet enough but you're like not you're just like if you're like going to the bathroom

and peeing or whatever like you're just like I'm just like everything I'm doing everything fast like I don't want to like look at my body I want to think about my body and like I think if you can focus and work towards like body neutrality and like you don't have to like love every fucking ounce of your body at all but also think of your body as like health organs and like things that keep you alive I think like you'll be able to check in with yourself more and it's more like okay am I functioning at my normal is this how is this normal for me not like hey is this normal compared to like all these other girls that I see on like on like porn who like they just squirt lube all over their pussy and like they're just like dripping wet like compare your like it's a talk

it's a hard thing to also compare yourself to yourself but like find what your normal is before you start comparing it to other people because I think that also you want to if there is like a if it is a medication thing i think that would also be helpful for you to know that it's it's not yeah because like antibiotics i know antidepressants also can like sex drive and things like that and also clue clue him in in a way that like if masturbating also if i can figure out what it is about masturbating that's like it's there's no anxiety there with it like are you fantasizing anything are you thinking about anything specific when you're getting off like is there something that you guys could do more is it like more foreplay that you would like really be into or

is it maybe like you don't even have penetrative sex for a long for a while like maybe he's just going down on you you're going down on him like there's something like if you like going down on him or like you I think there's a fantastic like hot confidence boost that like when you give a great blow job and like finding things like that that like maybe you don't broach the subject of like the penetrative sex for a while and just educate yourself on I don't know like sex and orgasms and all those different things because like clearly you know how to get yourself on off on your own but i'm sure your fiance like wants to be a part of that mutual masturbation that's what i was gonna say maybe if you masturbate yeah next to him and then if you felt like you're

like yeah like i got off we can do penetrative sex now yeah but let us know how it goes please talk to your female friends and also if you don't have a lot of male friends go on like reddit like women like talking about that stuff yeah any of that thing any of that stuff hi megan and mel and potential guest. I'm 21 years old, and lately I've had some trouble with drinking. I started drinking when I was 15, which of course I don't condone, but I gotta be real. And I drink heavily like every two weeks when I'm going out with friends. Normally I haven't had a problem, it's just been normal craziness, but during like the past six months I've had a really hard time controlling myself when i drink for example on saint patrick's day i made

out with our 40 year old uber driver and made a bunch of inappropriate comments to him gave him my number and the person that was with me said he wasn't attractive at all another time i was walking on the streets and needed a ride and so i just knocked on someone's car and it got a ride from three men so a bunch of stuff could have gone wrong took me to my friend's house and then after that i puked in their washer their literal washing machine um but this past weekend was the worst when i hooked up with my soon-to-be cousin who is also a girl and i consider myself straight but I'm obviously bi-curious. After this time especially, I think I really fucked up,

and I can't get over the amount of guilt that I have because I see her at every family event, and I'm scared she's going to tell someone in my family or something. My question is, should I quit drinking, and am I being overdramatic, or is this just typical crazy 21-year-old behavior? Thanks so much. Love you guys. Bye. I'm gonna I relate a lot to this but it's also not normal 21 year old behavior I don't drink I don't drink for a multitude of reasons a like here I am making this about me but like truthfully

I I don't drink it makes me so fucking sick makes me so so incredibly sick I drank heavily in high school and then into college and I I really really really like myself when I'm drunk I really like who I am I'm super fucking confident I'm not anxious I'm not insecure like I don't like second guess what I'm saying like I feel pretty I feel hot like I feel like on top of the fucking world and that's the issue like there I I think like when people talk about like social lubricant with like alcohol and things like that that's people who like can have one drink and it gives them a little kickstart but like if you're having a hard time controlling yourself like I didn't drink without blacking out until I was into my 20s like it was just I didn't know how to stop

because like it was like a high it was like a high of like confidence and like especially if like you're and then the issue is alcohol is also a depressant so the next day you feel even worse than you do so if you're insecure or you um have any self-image issues or body image issues or if you're depressed or anxious or anything like that like you become even more depleted and then you need more alcohol to compensate for all of that and i i that's the other big reason why i don't drink is like i don't i don't i love how i feel and like how like i perceive myself and everything like that but like it's not healthy and like i can check myself and know that like if i was like when i was going out like if i'm i was the kind of person of being like i wouldn't have a mixed

drink i'm like no i'm just have a fucking shot like why and that's that's the thought process of like no because if I break that down and I don't move on from it like I'm just trying to get drunker faster and that's not that's not what social drinking is that's not what casual drinking is and I think that's where your issue is I've my god I literally the amount like my friend sent me a picture of her and I with these like two like 40 year old men in and out for my birthday she goes what the fuck were we doing and I was like oh my god and neither her I drink now and it was so much of like a it's it's a band-aid and I think like this isn't normal 21 year old behavior also because you're concerned about it yeah i mean when i was 21 years old i was or even like 25

20 to 25 i was drinking a lot all the time and it's because i loved who i was when i was drinking it wasn't i don't think it was extremist i would never get in the car with um a car full of men or anything i didn't have that many like compulsive episodes but like yeah I think you've got to like check this is not normal 21 year old behavior I faced a lot of like backlash from people when I stopped drinking because like it can be crazy and it can be fun and all of that stuff but like when you're putting yourself in dangerous positions and all of that which have I've been there it's super super scary because you also don't know that person because you weren't consciously there and that's a scary aspect to it and I think like if if it means like

taking a break from alcohol for an extended period of time and then like maybe you you're able to revisit it and like have a different relationship with it that's how i am now on how your relationship with yourself changes and that's something like i i think now i could if it didn't make me so sick maybe i'd be okay with it but i even had like a drink at a wedding a like literally washing my pants next day like hardly made it to the bathroom um white mini white dress no underwear 15 minute walk I like was like mods give me the keys and I'd like find the perfect pace of walking so you don't shit but like you're getting there fast um but like even I like it's yeah it's a little bit like and it flips that again and I was like um no I don't like I don't like this like I'm nervous

and uncomfortable and like a little like socially awkward at this wedding and I suddenly feel a little less socially awkward and I'm like no that's not it's not like and it sucks when some people like can have fine healthy relationships with it when you feel like fuck I really want like I want to be able to be like that and it's like harder for you but at the same time like I think you're calling in because you know this and also like you have put yourself in scary situations which coherent sober you is afraid for drunk you and I think like you got to look out for that and I think it's it's not normal 21 year old behavior and I would also check to see like it sounds like check your friends around you because like nobody should and maybe you really don't present drunk

when you're wasted but like no one should let you get in a car with three random guys and if you have friends who are enabling this behavior and who are also on this train because this sounds like a lot of like self-actualization like maybe i have a problem not my friends are sitting down with me and saying that i have a problem like i'd also check who you're hanging out with because when i like stopped drinking i had so many different friends there were lots of friends that were like oh cool piece and i'm like oh okay it's like that's really what we did together and then also when i was sober i realized like wow i don't really like a lot of you people like there are some people hanging out with like oh i'm fine hanging with you drunk but like fuck if i'm like

sober i'm not hanging out with you and i think like check that and check your circle um and yeah i think like when you start drinking young i think it it just this burnout that happens i think it naturally happens for like most people into like their mid-20s but if you started drinking really young and like heavily i i literally i think before i was pretty much done drinking for my 21st birthday yeah like and then I slowly tapered off but I think like yeah I think you're aware of the fact that like this is this is maybe not great for you and then also I'm just suggesting therapy all the time but yeah I think like sit with yourself sober for a while and figure out what it is that you really like about drinking and um what those insecurities are and how you

can like combat them um and yeah I definitely had a lot of ones with like anxiety of like dating and guys and like i would i literally got so fucking drunk before mas and i's first date that i hardly remember it like how sad is that like come on like but like the more we got comfortable the more we started dating like that confidence that you find in like you don't necessarily need alcohol to get to um but yeah i i think like you're in tune with yourself but i would figure out why it is yeah why and also maybe like i don't want to sit here and maybe say that you're an alcoholic but maybe going to a like alcoholics anonymous meeting just to see what it's like and talk to people and it could be comforting and help you get through yeah what

you're going through yeah i have friends who don't uh identify are they still can they still casually drink and they go to aa just to keep themselves in check they've got they've got histories family histories of addiction or they've struggled with an addiction to that prior or anything else like it's a good place to just kind of like check in and regroup and i also i kind of i also think of it in the same way it's like when you drink in high school and you like have to go home to your parents like there's like someone there to like kind of report to i think a is a great i don't know like moral like compass kind of there that like even if it's not like oh tell us about all of your issues like it's there to check in and like it doesn't let you bury things

under the rug because like you're talking about the hard kind of stuff oh my god that's our last call but it's time for don't blame them which is i was gonna leave you do you want oh i didn't know if you were doing the door thing call and response oh door i thought you said door and i was like knock knock um this is don't blame them this is where you guys as listeners call in and you give your own advice on previous episodes things that you have personal experience with i love this segment i love this part also by the way like it's the most i find this the most comforting like if i was a listener of the podcast this is the part that i find the most comforting because i think oh yeah my game wants it whatever but then it's like oh no there's someone else who's

like okay been there yeah that's why i love doing it for the patreon yeah we do the full episodes with it because you guys wouldn't even but like some of the even i'm even i'm surprised by some of the ones we're like oh i've been through something similar like you fucking i think you will with this one oh wow so this is from the episode with lisa shorts the last one um season three episode 25 so a sad one um it wasn't really sad it was just odd um the original caller her neighbor's child was over and she noticed her the child was humping a pillow um and so this is someone calling in that has similar experience wow hi megan i'm my son guest i am calling with advice for the mom who called about her uh daughter's friend humping a pillow

which seems like a weird piece of advice to be calling them but I used to work at a preschool and it's very common for kids to self-stimulate and uh but a couple years ago I had a girl in my class who um would self-stimulate all the time like would not stop uh she would be on the edge of a chair she'd be humping a pillow during nap time just all the time and I think the place for this mom that's really weird to be in is is it's if you're going to talk to the parents be prepared that they may be very defensive about it because even though for kids it does not necessarily mean anything sexual and most likely doesn't uh it's just something that feels good for them um and they don't realize that it's like a private thing the parents might take it as you're saying

that their child is over sexualized and they might get very defensive about it and it's very hard to be in the place of kind of addressing that for other parents what we would do at the preschool is is we were just the parents knew about it and and the approach that we took was to constantly just correct it and say don't do that sit all the way in your chair take your hands out of your pants those kinds of things um if she was if she was sitting on the edge of a chair just saying sit up straight sit sit back sit do this whatever and um and just kind of constantly correct it without necessarily pointing out what she was doing uh if it had been my child what i would

say is hey i know that that is something that feels good that's just more of a private thing so feel free to do that in the bathroom in your room when you're by yourself it's just not something that we do with other people around and uh and that's kind of the approach i would take but again when it's not your kid approaching that with other parents just be prepared that they might view it as a sexual thing and and really maybe take offense to it uh so i just wanted to call with that little piece of advice i don't know if that's advice i don't know if that's helpful but anyways love the podcast thanks so helpful i also love that i called based on her voice alone i was like she's a teacher very true i think this is i also

forgot the term self self-stimulation yeah yeah no i think i think it i think it makes sense i think it's yeah obviously we don't have kids we don't know yeah that i haven't heard of this before oh i told you i was in elementary with a girl yeah but i mean like personal experience yeah with yeah other children that i know yeah i think like yeah i think i think also like that that home talk i that's i think that's like the best the best way to do like that's like it's not like a forbidden thing it's just like that's something we do around people like that's that's like your own fun time thing and also like don't you find it a little distracting that you're like paying attention to that and like not what your teacher's saying like that kind of thing but um

yeah i think that's incredibly helpful um and hell yeah yeah hell yeah well that's it for our episode guys yeah hope you enjoyed it was a great time we all had a good time hope you did too um if you want to be on an upcoming episode or maybe not you don't want to but like you need some fucking help um or you want to share advice then you want to then then you would want to i've had people dm me who've been like i just really want to call into the podcast but i have nothing to talk about but like i really really really want to call and i'm like fire sign you're like i just want to but don't waste our time no but they haven't they said they want to but they're saving it they're waiting and i'm like so do you want something bad to happen in your life like are

you going to be like secretly excited like when i was writing my book and i was like oh i'm not don't fucking bring it up i brought it up damn it um but i'd be like well at least they can put this in the book um so if you want to leave a message um if you're a domestic usa listener uh leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can leave us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com um check us uh on instagram don't blah meme pod we're there i take put a lot of effort into our edits um you made me a really cute birthday one that did look like my aesthetic i was really choked proud i was working on the back of the car oh my god and i also made my own birthday one because i just like was planning on doing it

um so the people who accused me of doing it i actually didn't do it and then i posted the one that i was giving myself too so i like gave myself two um or gave myself one thanks um check out our website don't blame me dot show uh patreon guys what did we say we'll give them if we get to 100 i'll post my twerking video oh wow it is so beyond worth that guys like i can't even explain to you it's not a short clip it's a long clip it's a great angle there's multiple you just saw one it's in focus your outfit is cute like you are feeling the music like it's so fucking worth it it's great like it's it's so good it's really worth it so join our patreon um and uh what else watch us watch this on youtube if you're listening and you want to see us

um and you know that's that's it we'll see you next week unless you're a part of our patreon right yeah if you're part of patreon we'll see you on wednesday hell yeah join see the twerking bye guys bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network