Don't Blame Me! - S4E13: Guest: Becca Tilley - Boyfriend Wants Us To Hangout With His Ex

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

Becca Tilley is here this week! We’re sharing advice on how to talk to your parents about going to the gyno, getting your parents’ blessing to live with your boyfriend, having a crush on your co-worker, and creating boundaries with your dad that’s in prison. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her advice on wanting your boyfriend to spend time with your family. Check out our NEW Patreon Community - https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @beccatilley  https://www.instagram.com/beccatilley @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by Briogeo. Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today we have one of my favorite people of all time becca tilly is here hi i'm so excited for you to be here and i'm excited that we got to have you um we rescheduled because becca was actually supposed to be here the day i had a seizure yeah so that was really that was a scary phone call i felt so bad i mean are you kidding me it was like she was passed out and i was like she was like literally passed out when i was emailing her it was it was she used my my face to unlock my phone to text my boyfriend to be like hey fyi she had a seizure i don't know if you want to come home from work and like accompany us to the hospital but just so you get an update

on what's happening no yeah while i was out you were very productive yeah she went into crisis mode like also like company crisis you have to be like right down the street yeah i was really close and i'm always like super late like i was like today and i was like i'm on time and then i get the call and i'm like well that's a big i was like is she okay do we have any updates well we do finally have updates i am okay i'm fine it turns out it was um it's like a vasovascular cinescope is what he said which basically is like having a seizure when you have like pain and fainting so it can happen like if you i don't know if you're like it's like pain shock and all of those other factors and so he says i'm allowed to drive which i'm stoked about um because uh the only time

that i would potentially crash a car from having one of these is if i was in extreme pain um and shock which would probably only happen if i had already crashed the car and then he said it's fine if i see you so that was it but um i'm glad that we can finally have you back and uh on oh yeah actually on i made it to the house yeah and we're actually recording this time um but if you guys are new here this is an advice podcast if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com and you have a podcast you're already going to be very good at the talking which you already are i do i have a podcast with my best friend you want me to

plug it right now hell yeah scrubbing in scrubbing in with becca tilly and tanya radd based off of our love for grace anatomy such a wonderful show i love i i mean i love how much everyone else like loves it yeah and that one scene you tweeted about it um but i think i saw it from something else too which was like a sexual assault survivor scene oh my god i fucking watched a minute and a half clip never seen the show in my life i was sobbing like sobbing and i was like oh wow this show should we play the tapes roll the tapes hi megan melissa and guess i'm 18 years old and i'm about to start my sophomore year of college i feel like it would be smart to see a gynecologist before i'm kicked off my parents insurance um but i've never been and i feel uncomfortable

talking about it with my mom I have three brothers so I've been raised to keep uncomfortable things like that out of discussion um weirdly enough my insurance doesn't go through my school's health center so if I went while in school a bill would be sent to my parents house and I just I don't know I think it'd be even more awkward if my dad saw that so I guess what are some tips for asking my mom about it and like setting up an appointment and uh tips for my first time seeing a gynecologist I just hear all these like things about you need to go like this many times I think it's like once a year I don't even know once a year but I've like never been and I'm almost 19 years old and I feel like hey I should probably go at some point maybe preferably before I get kicked off

my parents insurance um i'm looking forward to see what advice you have to give me and thank you love you podcast bye i mean you don't get kicked off insurance till 26 you got years you have years to rack up this 100 yeah go to the doctor you got years to go yeah um i mean the whole thing is isn't it like i mean i say this is somebody who went to the gynecologist the first time this year at 20 i know oh wait i remember seeing that no i know i know i finally went but um you're supposed to go isn't it like as soon as you're sexually active or 18 or 21 21 yeah okay well you still and she's 19 i think yeah you still got time yeah or 18 she's 18 if you're not sexually active yeah i'm wondering if her parents are kicking her off or something

because she has many years i mean yeah or maybe she doesn't realize it yeah maybe she thinks that 18 because you can have insurance through school yeah but also that usually ends up just meaning that like you the bill is going to your parents it's still through their insurance it just means you have like a place to go yeah at school i have always thought because i'm one of five kids and we are four girls in my family so like my dad and brother just had to hear about yeah like periods and female things with it we just did what we had to do um and i think that there are always gonna be around women at some point and they should probably get used to hearing about the gynecologist because that's what keeps women healthy that's what like delivers babies it's

just it's i think like the thing is you're making it like a sexual thing and it's not as it's a doctor it's a medical thing yeah and it's not even like oh like your stds you're having sex we have to figure out like birth control that kind of stuff like it also is like cancer screenings and like uh like mammograms and things that aren't just like vagina related um and i think like it's i yeah i think if you if you don't broach it like the subject with your parents like it's a sex related thing like more like along the lines of being like um i feel like i should probably go like just like to check everything out health-wise and if you're not sexually active and you want to be like i'm not having sex right now like but i just want to like have everything like be safe

and like make sure that i'm being smart about everything um yeah come as a medical thing and not sexual and it's fine i also do i mean i do think now i'm 30 so like that seems so far like 18 or is she 18 or 19 she's 18 yeah 18 seems like so long ago and it's so easy at this point to be like just talk about it it's easy but i remember being 18 and i was so scared to talk about anything that was like iffy with my parents so I told thinking about it after initially my answer is like just talk to her about it it's medical I do understand that that's a scary thing to approach but um I would say talk to your mom just say that you're wanting to do it for like your health and that you are ready to take that step and that you want to take care of it

and she's been to the gynecologist before so she should be able to like relax you and give the right advice so and she'll know that it's not sexual related because she's also gone but i think also if you are like if your family's like not one to talk about like period female reproductive stuff you could also really just fucking go and they can get the bill and then they will net maybe they will never fucking bring it up with you like that could also be a way to if you don't want to have that conversation like maybe they'll see it and be like oh this is awkward we're not going to speak about it like that kind of a thing um and then i'd say i mean i do have a highlight on my instagram story about the first time i went to the gynecologist and everything um it took me two

years to get her there it did two fucking i was terrified and now my gynecologist is no longer under my insurance i have to find a fucking new one um i know it's like starting all over but i think like the things that you have to like realize is like depending on what they're gonna do so if you're not sexually active and if you're not 21 they're not gonna do a pap smear unless you've got like a family history of like any sort of like cancers or something like that they might not do it they can also like you don't have to do it the first time that you go you could like just have a consultation like just talk with them meet with them and then they can say we can schedule this for the next time um because that's also like not i don't know that's not like

a passenger is like really not scary that's what wasn't what i was afraid of um it's like it's very easy and nothing's weird and the thing the thing that depending on like if you're nervous or anxious about like if you're nervous about like them seeing your vagina i personally prefer like a female just because like i also like get terrible cramps and pain so i want someone who also understands like a period when i'm talking about that some people prefer guys if they're like you if they're heterosexual and they are used to guys being down there and like that's more comfortable for them um but they see so many fucking vaginas all the time they see infected vaginas like you see like they're not like they're not judging your vagina they're just looking for

medical stuff it's like looking like at an elbow or like a knee it's not like a sexual thing to them yeah um so this is what what's covered in your first um exam is they talk about birth control options if you want them you learn about screening for and preventing stds um you'll have a pelvic exam and then if you are 21 or older then you'll um have a pap smear so you wouldn't have that yet because you're 18 um and then you find out about hpv and then about how to care for yourself so yeah it's so it's very medical 10 minutes yeah yeah i remember my biggest fear was like are they going to be judging my vagina yeah and then i was like why who they see yeah like old like well infected i'm good i'm clean yeah you're like i'm not going because like my vagina's turned

green like i didn't go that time i had a crazy reaction to monistat green yeah go get that go get it check it out but like they're not looking like they're not like judging your very like normal the like your normal state vagina and also even if you have like an infection or something like that's what they're they just want it they're trying to help you get better yeah yeah so i wouldn't i wouldn't stress too much um about that it's yeah they've and also like your your vagina is like it's special to you but it's not really not that special to them they're like it's not that important like i got this like this is fine um so yeah i it's easier to say said than done but my fear was that i was like dying and that like they were gonna tell me um and also this

is what i found out which just eased my um anxiety was my gynecologist goes even if you were dying i'm not gonna know that today i'm gonna have to call you and i was like oh solid so like that was my fear so i was gonna go in and they were gonna like be like something's terribly wrong and she goes something might be wrong but i don't know yet i have to wait for her to come back then i'll just call you and i was like okay and it actually made me feel a lot better because that was like it was the first time that was like so nerve-wracking and then i was like oh okay cool and she goes like do you feel like you're dying i was like no she goes and chances are you're probably not like if you feel fine i was like oh okay did you ever feel like when people before you went

and people would always talk about going to the gynecologist did you ever feel like you had to be like oh yeah like no no i fully would just not say anything and then melissa would go you know Megan's never been but I'd be like for sure cool cool cool I like it's literally never because like that was I just lied when I was like younger it was like one of those things like you don't you're not you don't need to go unless you're sexually active or you're 18 and I didn't turn 18 till right before college so it wasn't like oh we're gonna bring you on in and so like my doctor be like are you sexually active and I was like no not at all and they're like okay like why are you being weird and I was like I'm not being weird and then I just like never went so I just

lied and so the only other time I went I had gone to like I think I got my pediatric maybe I'd gone but like didn't do an exam oh yeah because like I think they just did an ultrasound on my like stomach because I had really bad cramps and so they were like I don't know what the fuck they were looking for you can't see fucking anything um that way and then they're like are you sexually active should we do like a internal exam I was like no not at all and so I just lied that was the thing I don't know why I don't know why I was just scared I was scared they were gonna tell me that I was dying and I don't know I now I'm like that was fucking dumb because like you're right like it's not like i'm gonna spread my legs and she's like yep time of death two minutes like i'm

not gonna fuck like what it like if also i'm looking at my vagina like i'm not seeing anything that's like like there's no like knife like there's nothing like i'm clearly not gonna like i don't know what i thought she was gonna see that i couldn't see that was gonna be that i was dying but it turns out i'm not dying everybody it's cool but she did leave me a voicemail when like i had done my blood work like something did come back abnormal if you could give us a call and i was like oh my fucking god and i called i'm fucking low on vitamin d and i was like bitch oh my god just tell me be like it's really something it's so minor like you just need to step outside and get some sun i know i was like i mean 100 my health app tells me yes i did only

take 200 steps today like i know i definitely need more sunshine but like if you're calling me it was like with all of like it wasn't even i think it was like std stuff which i like had also never been checked for stds which was terrible but i didn't have any um but like it was all these other tests i didn't even know she was checking my vitamin d levels but that was the one that was bad and i was like and you i thought i was like oh so i am dying this is the call i got the call too after my first time and she was like um some things came back in your blood work and i'm like great this is uh i'm gonna start living like i'm dying and i'm low in iron yeah which i knew i was like i know i'm low in iron i know that was the stuff that i was like

this is like you need to like call and like preface it that it's like gonna be okay like It was super minor. It's nothing to worry about. It's just like a routine vitamin deficiency. Just save that. Don't say like, we have some abnormalities. Hi, Megan. I am 24 years old and I need some advice on my, some parent issues.

issues um some backstory basically I have went to college and lived on my own all through college I was away for college I have and then I came back and lived at home I've been with my boyfriend for two years one of those years was long distance um and I am now back home and we are together Basically, we are moving in together, and we are both really, really excited about it. It's a big step for us, but we are both ready for it and excited about it. The problem is that my parents are not okay with it whatsoever, and it's just giving me a lot of anxiety not having their approval, I guess you should say. I just need some advice on how I should talk to them and try and get them to understand why I want to move in and they are wanting me to live at home and save money and all of that, but I've already been out of the house for such a long time that that's just not an option for me. I feel like the underlying problem is me moving in with my boyfriend, and it just really hurts me that they're not supportive.

They have since cut me off. The only thing that they still pay for is my phone bill, and they have cut me off from paying that. um it's just a really stressful situation when I'm trying to be excited to move in um and they just aren't happy for me they don't want to look at the place they're not supportive emotionally um their relationship has just been kind of strained since I told them I was moving in so if you have any advice on how I can get through to them um and kind of fix our relationship that would be great thanks bye that's it's literally the worst yeah I I mean I don't know I think like I don't know any parent who's like oh I'm so stoked you're living with your boyfriend like

can't wait like I don't know any like no one's except like parents aren't it's not their job to be excited for you like living with the guy who you're sleeping with you know what I mean like that's like not that's not their job their job is like to want you to save money like yeah i don't know i don't know what you i don't know what do you think well it depends on if it's like that mentality or if it's like a religious thing of like i don't want you to move in together until you're married yeah um what she didn't clarify i come from a very traditional christian family so i actually totally get that because my parents would be the same way and they wouldn't i don't think they'd get to the point where they'd cut me off i think but it would definitely be a

conversation and be a little bit uncomfortable um but i've recently been learning that our parents are there to raise us and to teach us like foundational beliefs and and what they believe like that's what their job is to teach us what they believe and at some point we become adults and we are able to make our own decisions and I think if you're not financially dependent on them I know it's stressful that they've like cut you off in some areas but I think if you're able to like be financially independent that's not their choice like it's not their choices to make for you anymore like they're not like my younger sisters they are like my parents still pay for everything so there is a level of respect that they have to have for my parents and their wishes

but at some point when you're financially independent it's your life yeah and like you're an adult yeah no i think you're exactly right if your parents if you want your parents paying for some like paying for your kid or whatever that's not and also like once you get to a certain age like once you hit past 18 paying for your kid it's there is something expected in return like it's not just i'm not just like throwing money at you like without any sort of like i'm this is how i'm gonna want you to spend my money like i'm spending money specifically on like your necessities and your needs like if your parents were paying if your parents were like funding your life i don't their goal is not oh i really want to give her enough money like i want

her to like this money that's used for rent like i don't care if she spends it on shoes and she lives in a box like no it's like for they want like they're they're doing that parent thing of making sure you have like food on the table like a plate like a safe place to live and all of those things so if you want to live with your boyfriend you cannot expect your parents to pay for your life because you want to be independent and like you don't get to choose select places where you want to be independent and then waste places you want to then be dependent on them because if you were going to live under their roof you would also have to abide by their rules and if they're gonna pay for your life then they have some say in how you live your life if you want

to be independent then you have to pay for it so i think like i don't agree like i'm definitely like i live with my boyfriend like living in sin um we lived together for a very long time um so i i understand why you want to live with your boyfriend but like your parents they don't need to get that like they're not you don't need to change their mind you have to choose do i want to live with my boyfriend and my parents will deal with it i don't need them to be happy but they're gonna fucking eventually deal with it it might cause strain they're not gonna pay for my shit anymore i'm gonna be fully financially independent but they're gonna deal with it eventually like it'll they'll come around um and be fine and deal not be happy for you and be excited for you and like

want to like help you pick out pillows like they're not gonna get there or do you want to live with your parents and be okay with not living with your boyfriend and like having them pay for more of your stuff be a little more cushy and comfortable and have them be happy for you and love what you're doing but then continue to do what they want you to do because this is going to happen at any point like you said like it's not it's an it's an age thing eventually your parents aren't going to pay for your whole life as you're married with kids and the choices that you make if already the choices that they want for you aren't necessarily what you want for yourself like you're going to change it at some point so it's just the choice when can you do

that and you're in a financial place that you can so i think if you are now then i think yeah it's a great opportunity to like be financially dependent which is a very empowering thing and it's gonna need to happen at some point um and then they'll deal but you can't have both i know that's what i was gonna say and our parents like all they want is to like protect us so in their mind they're like well we don't want you to be financially independent we don't want you to be depending on this guy and who knows like maybe they don't like him like there could be a situation where they

don't like support the relationship I don't know but you can't I agree it's like you have to choose one or the other you go on your own and you're separated from them and it doesn't mean you don't love them it doesn't mean that they don't love you it just means that you disagree on the situation which is going to happen it's

going to inevitably happen even if it's like when you get married or when you have kids like it's always going to happen at some point so it's just when can you afford for it to happen like when can you afford for them to not pay for your life and if you can and also yeah this I mean how long did she say that they were dating

her and her boyfriend I'm in no place to judge Mons and I moved in together like in a couple months but you knew each other for a long time yeah we did it's also I mean my parents eloped after like three months of dating so it's like they're and I feel like they would probably frown upon that for me to do it you know

much like we did this but that's not what we want you to do they've been together two years yeah and she's like 20 or 21 she's 24 24. Oh yeah. I mean, if you can afford it, live with your fucking boyfriend, your parents will deal. Yeah. I, cause I, I, I get with, cause I get not wanting to move back in with your parents and deal with them. At Volvo safety is not a feature. It's our purpose. Rigorous crash testing decades of learning from real accidents,

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but their money, you have to do it by their rules. So I think if I, what I would do, cause I'm such a people pleaser, especially with my parents, it's something I'm really working on and being less, yeah, a people pleaser. But I would at least have a conversation and be like this is what i want to do i want to be financially independent i'm going to move in

with my boyfriend but i love you i respect you thank you for like helping me up until this point and leave it at that yeah and like i still want to have a relationship with you but like and it might take them a little bit but like they can they will probably come around but yeah it's like they're letting their little girl like off into the world and like live with this big scary boy who like has a penis and like wants to put it in her you know like wow do you know what i mean though like it's one of those things like you're you're as much as like you can be friends with your parents like they don't like they don't want that yeah you know and if they do then like that's weird and then they're trying to be your friend and like not your mom like yeah girl get it get

that dick and you're like weird weird fucking move uh but best of luck um and if you really can't afford it don't fucking do it move back in with your parents because it's not worth it to go into debt for some guy that you're dating and even if you like love him and end up with him you guys can then wait until you have money because like going into debt for this would be like i think it's just a very like stupid mistake yeah the parents are living with their parents is worth staying out of that 100 and if saving more money if you need to save money i think that's uh it's not yeah i don't think it would be as terrible and like free shit is always worth it like paying rent sucks so it really does best of luck let us know what you decide on to the next

hey megan i'm 20 and i'm calling about some advice for my boyfriend him and i are a great couple but a year over a year ago he mentioned to me about this girl that in high school he was completely head over heels for and was perfect for him and perfect for his family which I'm not a Christian so I am not perfect for his family and that's made quite clear to me it was all well and good but then when I went away this year the first day like the day I left he rekindled with her and it kind of sat really wrong with me the moment your girlfriend leaves the country you like jump to like your high school sweetheart but it was all innocent until they caught up like consecutive days in a row and stuff like that and now she's constantly texting him

saying hey where are you working tonight as he's a DJ so it changes I'm gonna come we're gonna get drinks like where are you DJing and stuff like that and that makes me really uncomfortable and then one thing that sat really unwell with my friends which is why I can't go to them for advice is my best friend in the entire world is a guy and he had a 21st and he invited all his friends and I got to invite my boyfriend because obviously my best friend and my boyfriend are close and all my boyfriend said was cool can I invite the high school sweetheart I'm not going to use her name because I know they're beeped out but um can I invite the high school sweetheart and I was like okay like didn't think anything of it and I went up to my best friend and said oh can he invite

this girl and my best friend was like sure but like why is he inviting a girl to a 21st where he doesn't know anyone where his girlfriend's gonna be like it's not like she knows people at the 21st she's not going to know anyone she doesn't even know me he doesn't want to introduce me from the way it seems but yeah I just don't know what to do because obviously my friends aren't really for it they don't think he should be seeing her this often pretty much from that 21st incident and I just don't know what to do because I don't want to be the person to say she makes me uncomfortable and i have tried to speak to him about it and he has just yelled at me and told me that i can't talk about it so that's not an option i don't think thank you

oh my god so many so many things why are you fucking dating a dj yes i'm sorry this is why you don't fucking date a dj djs are the fucking worst like i don't want to say that you went in like i don't know how experienced you are dating but like i this is like textbook this is what happens when you date a dj i hate your boyfriend also are you sure he's your boyfriend i've asked that question to people before so like yeah he's cheating on you fyi yeah he's like for sure cheating cheating on you and he cares more about her feelings than he does about yours yeah which this is so bad like you were so you were like a you're chill to a fault like i think you should go to that whatever if there's an opposite of an anger management class

like i need you to go somewhere where you get angry like the plate throwing you need to go somewhere they encourage aggression and anger because like you're he's walking all over you he's yelling at you saying he like you can't talk to him about this girl like also i'm like i feel so fucking bad for you because you obviously have to be like the nicest person ever because he's not even fucking hiding it from you like yeah that's such a level of like oh i fucking got this over her she doesn't know shit like it doesn't fucking matter she's not gonna say anything to me like he's treating you like shit by the fact that he's parading the girl that he's cheating on you with around like yeah he almost has lost the respect to even try to hide it from you which that's the

level of being like if you're gonna fucking cheat on me you better hide it so goddamn well like you better like respect me so much that like respect my intelligence yes like he doesn't and like this is it's just like he doesn't even care about bringing the girl he's cheating on you with around your friends like that and then it's just like uh i hate to say like there's nothing like he's just a shit dude and like there isn't like a salvaging of your relationship because he's already like fully fucked this up and like i feel so bad for you that your mind's not even in the cheating world and we're all just like he is but like i yeah i i think like you must he must be like i don't know the fact that he yelled at you and all of that like he like whatever he's a dj

i'm gonna talk shit on him you have to break up with him so like i'm saying like he definitely like is doing enough sketchy shit that this isn't alarming to you so you're able to rationalize and justify this like because if this was like a really like very easy normal relationship where there wasn't anything like this like this would be like so weird and so crazy and wild that like it would cause a rift and drama but the fact that like he is like gaslit and manipulated you enough to make you think that like this is like just a thing like oh yeah no i just and also like even the idea that like he would talk to you about his like ex-girlfriend about like oh she was perfect for me like she was perfect for my fan like to me like it's a movie like perfect for my family

turns and looks like and she's like i for sure picked up on i'm not perfect for your family and like you should not be in a relationship where that's how you feel like i'm not good enough for this guy or his family because we don't have the same beliefs like you have your beliefs because that's who you are as a person and you should not be feeling like you're less than or like you're not good enough because you're it's not like you're not perfect i have quotes up yeah for this one douchebag guy who doesn't even treat you the way a christian should be honestly i was like that's what i'm like that's not a very christian thing to fucking do yeah it's it's like he's trying and even with that statement it's belittling your confidence

to make you feel like shit to make it feel like oh but i chose you i'm special like like like he's making it like that you're not worthy but he's still like dating you and dealing with it and then like he's doing all this other shit but you're supposed to feel so grateful for him like it's just such a manipulative tactic and like why are you dating a dj like this is so fucking insane to me like and he is the worst and your friends should hate him and like yes you can't i get that you can't talk to your friends about it and also like people can do shitty things and recover from them but like this is like a different level of like shitty like he's just cheating on you and if you need this is wow i'm giving this advice if you need the confirmation fucking unlock his phone

and read his text and you will say that he is cheating on you like yeah he is 100 and i don't think that you realize it because i think he's manipulating you and you have to talk to your friends because they'll open they'll really yeah they'll really unleash yeah they'll be like yeah no babe like 100 kind of and she's just not taking it but you need to go into it and be like hey you know what i called into a podcast they were all so pretty and nice and cool you should listen hit him up and then be like and i am wondering now like i know you guys don't like him um i wonder what we should name him brad you know you guys really don't like brad no it's gonna be a really it's gotta be a dj douche name yeah yeah like fox no whatever the whatever douche is davis

but say like you know what i'm i'm starting to realize that i think and like open it to your friends because they might be they might be waiting for you to kind of realize these things because they don't want to put and i think it's the advice i would give them is like wait till you come to them because they all they don't want they don't want you to push them away and if you're like i think he like this is what's happening and like i think like my gut i'm now realizing he might be cheating on me and like i just need you to be like super straightforward and blunt and honest with me because like i think he's been manipulating me and like fucking with my mind and like i just feel really confused and i don't think i should feel like that i think i've been

i think i've been really manipulated and i don't think i have the best judgment right now and like help me out because that's if you're being gaslit from him which you 100 are because like that's like the if you go to someone and you have an issue and your feelings are hurt and they yell at you for your feelings being hurt that's gaslighting they're trying to they're trying to make you're at fault now for your feelings getting hurt and it just you're not allowed to have feelings and it can be really hard to make like sane rational decisions because you're also not trying to piss someone off which shouldn't be how your feelings go that's not how feelings work yeah yeah at all so you need to talk to your friends and like have them be on like be really

like forthcoming and honest with you and if you need to find evidence like find the evidence um because i think it's going to be pretty easy because i don't think he respects you enough to hide it i don't even but i bet he doesn't have like a secret folder i literally bet if you don't have a passcode like it's zero zero zero honestly try just all like one one one one four four four four literally every single yeah it's gonna be fucking easy um and yeah and also if you again need to um it reach out to the girl and just be like hey can i just get like if you break up with him and you want confirmation from her or anything like that i think like she also might not even know that you exist like you might be his sister or his cousin like it can be something like like

that but you need to get like yeah he's just done too much shit and you need to get the whatever you need to end it you need to get there to end it because he's the fucking worst yeah you need to say goodbye to this relationship and don't date djs nobody ever dated dj especially like a hometown dj oh my god if you're gonna date a dj like i at least need you to have a residency in vegas and millions of dollars yeah you gotta be traveling there's gonna be some travel you cannot do domestic dj no domestic djs fuck no we are so above that don't fucking do it and also don't date what's one of the other ones are bad uh magicians who dates i don't know this on a ferris's podcast she has a list of things you can't magicians um i think chefs uh wait

what's that um chefs there's like a stereotype that tends to be pretty it's a lot of ex-cons like like ex-criminals very tatted up okay but maybe anguish there's gotta be some sort of oh yeah definitely like someone who works at chipotle you're good like michelin that's true yeah i mean i don't know how old if you're 16 you're going to date someone i work at tcby i also know i'm just saying i don't think someone who works at chef at chipotle i mean chipotle i'm sure has a chef i don't think a line cook yeah that's what they have a line cook okay well who controls the line the chef no i've been watching way too much it's true uh but yeah also who else should we not date um professional athletes i was gonna say

unless it's steph curry but like no don't date him because he's my brother-in-law was a well he yeah he's a former professional athlete and he was definitely the exception yeah like the things that he said that went on it it's very devastating oh it's it's like to me i'm like that's so funny but that's why i'm happy that there's like the shows like for the wives and girlfriends of like select athlete i'm like yeah you get that fucking money like get that money for just dating the guy who's treating you like shit like monetize that i'm like here for that for them um but yeah so let's not date djs everybody unless it's like really just don't date a domestic dj don't not i'm not about or like and like don't we're not i'm also not i'm accounting in domestic

dj like us and canada like the americas like you're saying they need to be going international yeah they need like japan like i don't like i need them like not even just like oh yeah like canada like you know i need them to go like real okay not like canada like you don't need them like like they live in washington and they just drive over to canada buffalo and they drive on up to yeah that's not what i need i need you to like i need you to have a like potentially have a private plane or like you're in a pool like a like a like a like a whatever those things like a share with like a private plane with a couple of other djs you need to personally know calvin harris okay friends with calvin harris and like got an invite to zed's birthday party like you need to be that

level to fuck with it you know and they have to buy you lots of nice stuff while they treat you like shit yeah i don't feel like she's getting anything out of this relationship like nothing no benefits nothing at all and also if your best friend is a guy i really i'm wondering if your best friends want to beat the fucking shit out of him not from encouraging violence but i'm just saying it might happen oh i hate him for you okay well let us know how it goes i'm so sorry we'd be the harsh truth i know i'm sorry yeah he's the worst he's the fucking worst maybe we should date your best guy friend i like that romance it's also it's not not to be cliche but it's not you it's him like you're not doing anything wrong yeah no it's it's 100 there's nothing you could

have done yeah like if someone's gonna like be a dick and cheat on you like he's gonna do it to this girl too yeah it's just a him thing yeah okay we're gonna take a quick break guys and we will be back okay guys we are back from our break and we are ready to jump into the rest of the calls hi megan i'm 22 years old and i've had a crush on a co-worker for three years um i don't know i've worked and it's such a shitty job um i have to wake up at such an ungodly hour and every time i walk into my building i just want to punch everybody that walks my way but The minute I see him, it just all releases. The anger is gone, and I'm so excited to start talking to him.

And I don't know. I feel like I'm kind of crazy for him, and I'm obsessed, and it's such a good friendship. And we're so goofy with each other and so serious. I've really gotten to know him. And I've told him things and he's told me things and it's just, it's been a good friendship. But I think I kind of ruined it because I confessed to him that I liked him. And he said, thank you. So to not make it so awkward, which probably made it more awkward, I said, you're welcome.

And I walked away and him and I haven't talked about it. And I don't know what it means. I don't know how to take that. I don't know if I messed it up. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I thought it would help, but I am just, I don't understand anything. So if you know what that means, I'd love to hear your opinion.

Okay, thanks. Bye. Oh my god, I feel so bad for you. This is so awkward. Fuck. oh isn't there an episode of sex in the city or something where someone says i love you someone else says thank you i i'm sure like everything i mean what do you think i i i think that you telling him was your only option like you had to tell him so i'm so sorry that it did

not go how you envisioned it going because after three years of build up to have that reaction i think anyone would be disappointed yeah and i had a friend um we were friends for like best friends for a long time and he confessed his feelings to me after like three or four years yeah and i just told him like thank you for telling me um like i don't feel the same way but i love you so much but if you need time yeah then i totally understand but it is it's such an awkward situation if both parties if the feelings aren't reciprocated so i'm sorry because you're a really brave to do that and a lot of people spend their their whole lives just having feelings for people not saying anything because they're scared and so i'm like really proud that you said

something um but yeah i so feel for that reaction that you got yeah because i think i i think he doesn't have like there's two options and i think like i don't know how long ago you said this to him because that'll kind of rule whichever if this option is even possible but like it could be one of those things that like he doesn't want to date a co-worker like it's awkward and like weird and unprofessional and like that he does have feelings for you too but he's gonna quit his job and then say something to you but like if that hasn't happened if it's if it's been more than like a week and there's been no talk and it's just going back to normal like he's saying the condensed he's like not not as emotionally mature as you were but he just did the first part of it because

like it's like he loves you like a friend but he doesn't have those feelings for you um and i think like your playlist might get you through the work day but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. If yeah, if nothing's changed and things are just back to how they always were, that's that's what your answer is. and it's awkward but like yeah if you need to like kind of take a step back and also you first

of all it sounds like you hate your job and like like so much and he's the only thing you like about it and like maybe you find another job like it's that's not fun to like be around somebody who you really really care about who doesn't have those feelings for you um and if it's the only good part of your job that's also i don't want to say that like maybe that's i mean yeah maybe that also did influence how much you like him is because like it's like like i said with nicole it's like camp goggles like you hate this fucking place so much maybe you don't hate camp like you hate where you are so much and he's like the only good thing but maybe you brought him out into the real world compared to other things that you really like like oh maybe you like him so much

because of the situation and it's like it's whatever it's called like trauma bonding or whatever when you hate someplace so much and like that's it's kind of like maybe that was like that amplified feeling um but yeah i think you just need to like figure out maybe getting a new job and like taking space away from the friendship and like until you can feel um okay with just friendship and not holding out for anything more but i think it's like you said i think it's a really good thing that you told him because i think there's so much of like well what how like well what if what if what if and also like you've spent the last three years i'm i don't know if you i doubt i'm saying this if it was me and i was like obsessed with someone i wouldn't have been

dating anybody else right i wouldn't even thought of anybody else so then this is this is like releasing you from that and you're able to like move on and date other people and have like a real reciprocated love and have someone who you like really you like even more than you like him right now and who also likes you back so it's a good thing that you did it it sucks that it was awkward but like it definitely like you said it had to have happened otherwise like you would have gone to the grave being like i hate my job and i love him so much yeah you need a new job i know you have to get up early too yeah like fuck that you hate everything but it was really romantic i was like he walks like in my mind he walks through the door slow motion wind in his

hair i know it's like a double door yeah it just opens itself and like everything's dark and then there's a light yeah he's the only thing in color yeah it's like yeah but it's just not it i think if if you like really enjoy his company and you're able to acknowledge like okay this is never going to happen romantically but i like really enjoy his friendship then i think you have a conversation and say hey i know that the feelings aren't reciprocated romantically but i really enjoy your friendship so i don't want things to be weird between us because if you do for whatever reason have to stay at that job for now you want it to be as enjoyable as possible without adding onto the misery yeah by like having to avoid this guy because now you're like embarrassed or whatever

yeah yeah and you'll be you'll be fine you'll realize when you date someone else that you're like oh you deserve at the very least to be with someone who wants you back yeah you know and it's also a different level of liking someone too once you're with someone who also likes you as much as you like them then you're like oh wow i like you a whole different level and our relationship is a whole different level because like it's reciprocated um but it sucks when someone like doesn't like you back that was i i had my one that the guy that didn't like me back who basically said thank you i should have known considering i knew him through doing musical theater together and i loved him so much and i really thought we were gonna be it um and surprised to me he's gay

and i was like devastated but yeah it was like that was like one of like my first big big crushes and i remember being like oh my god this heartbreak sucks and now i'm like what the fuck megan like i know you do plays together yeah but there's nothing worse than like you can't make someone like you yeah and it's a really i remember i had this moment liking this guy and all of a sudden like he didn't like me back and i remember thinking like i can't do anything about this yeah and like the more that i try to do something about this the more he's not gonna like me you're like i'm gonna look fucking crazy like i'm just yeah it's it's it's a rough thing but uh it's yeah it just means that he's not your guy yeah it's that's just what it is um but i think you

should look into quitting your job it sounds terrible yeah all everything yeah i really want to know what you do why do you get up so early maybe she's a baker no she wouldn't hate that that's so lovely unless the bakers love baking unless the other people suck and she's like entry level because she's younger oh i don't know why my mind went to like male like she's a mailman but also then she wouldn't spend time with him i went to like dmv oh my god honestly if you heard the dmv you need to fucking quit you have to enjoy the torture like if you hate it there you need to quit you got to be somebody that like hates everybody there and you just can get out your anger and just yell at people and that's the only way yeah that's the only

who thrive there no one pisses people off more than dmv people and they get off on it if you're lovely and you work at the dmv we apologize i don't mean that also which dmv do you work at can i go there like god i hate the dmv okay well best of luck i'm sorry it sucks you'll find your person well on to the next so hi i'm 15 and i live in texas so my dad's in prison yay um my dad's in prison currently and i still can't talk to my dad but i don't know if i want to keep talking to him like okay so the reason why is because some of the things he says in his letters make me feel slightly uncomfortable like he says i am the cause of his happiness and i don't want to be that sole cause sole cause um he has a son

and four sisters who don't contact him as much as me and my mom do so like if I stopped talking to him he'd have no one left and I don't want to be depressed because I know he hasn't depressed he's told me and he's written poems and shared his poems about being depressed and all this other stuff and I just don't want to be the reason he's depressed I just feel like our relationship is really one-sided like he needs me a lot more than I need him like if he chose to leave my life right now I wouldn't be affected because he's never been there for me like my mom has or something and I feel like if I cut him off completely and he gets out of jail he'll have no one to help him back on his feet and I'll just go right back and I don't want to be the reason for that but if I

don't and he comes back he's gonna try he's gonna change our family dynamic like he's gonna want me to lean on him, such as feelings on me, which I can't, I'm independent, extremely, like he wasn't gone. My mom was an alcoholic recovering. She's like 113 days, I believe. So like proud of her. But anyways, I've had to grow up by myself and I don't want him to change this whole thing.

And yeah, I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice? Like, should I stop talking to him? Should I just stick it out? Maybe it's just me. feeling uncomfortable because i'm socially awkward i don't know but thank you oh my god i want to give you a hug but you're yeah i mean fucking go you a congrats to your mom that's fantastic um but like yeah like you're so mature like and you were you're just like your gut instinct is

right a if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable anything doesn't matter who they are how they're related to if you're uncomfortable there's a reason why you're uncomfortable um and that's a huge thing with women is like justifying why you feel uncomfortable and it's a feeling in the pit of your stomach that's there or it's not and if it's there it doesn't matter why it's there yeah it's there there's no there is no logical way why that's there and you're being crazy like you don't feel that feeling for nothing there's no like you can't psych yourself into like having that gut like i feel really uncomfortable feeling and there's a difference between feeling like socially awkward and and and like when someone says or does something that makes you like

feel uncomfortable because it's not an awkward feeling it's like it's a it's a sick yeah it's like i want to like rip my skin off like this is like sort of a thing um i think like i i personally think like you're having to parent your dad and that's not what you need and you can't be like there is no one like mental health like depression like anything like that is it's a chemical imbalance it's not the cause or doing of anyone like you can't make someone depressed as a person like if they if it's like bullying it's it's someone anyone and i say this from like therapy and like all of this stuff it's if you are predisposed and you have chemical imbalances in your brain already and if someone does something to you it can trigger those feelings

and it can make it and you're more susceptible to being depressed but the same life plan could happen to two different people and depending on how your brain chemicals are there you're going to react and feel very very very differently so it's not something that's your responsibility it's like not and that's also not that's not what you put on a kid to say like you are the soul and you're right and like that makes you feel uncomfortable that you're the sole source of his happiness like that's a lot of pressure and it's not like pressure that you can put on it like a 16 year old like it's not fair oh yeah 15 then i think like you know what's best for you and that's cutting him out of your life and it's preserving you and it's about you and it's your he's not

your responsibility and anything if he puts that pressure on you like it's also not fair because like it's not true like you can't fix him you can't do anything for him like you can't make anything better for him but if he's telling you that that's gonna make you think that and it puts all of this pressure on you that like there's literally no way that you can live up to that because it's not true that's not how it works and no matter what this sounds bad but like this is the hard way to say it even if you keep him around and like in your life and you do everything that you say that he wants from you you're still going to disappoint him because that's you it's not a real thing that he wants from you and it's not something that you can give him or anyone can

give him like it's no matter what it's not going to be enough so i don't want you to like so if you're weighing the pros and cons you're looking at like two different outcomes the outcome in which he's in your life and like you think that like okay well i'll just have to like suck it up and deal with it and it'll be okay that's not guaranteed like it's just it's an adult who's asking so much of a kid and it's he's gonna ask more you know he's just ultimately being as selfish as someone can be and like you said he's he is not your responsibility and i know we feel that towards our parents and towards family members or people who are close to us but you cannot live your life trying to make sure that he's okay because he's gonna wear you down to a point where

you feel that you carry this guilt on your shoulder so i think you need to let him go like let him out of your life and let him know that you love him i think you love him and that's why you're even asking these questions but he's like gonna drain the life out of you and you're never gonna be able to fully place him or make him feel like fulfilled yeah and there's a reason why like his son and his sisters and everyone like that they don't talk to him as much and they aren't as a part of his life you are and i don't say this as an insult because you're incredibly mature, but like, there's an idea that young people are more easily manipulated. And even if he's not intentionally manipulating you, but that's just kind of the relationship he has with

people, the older that you get, the harder it is because like, there isn't that like innate sense of response. Like, oh, this is my parent. I have to report to them. Like I'm younger. Like I can't drive without them. I can't do all these other things without them. So they have that sort of like feeling towards them. And ultimately at the end of the day, you, and again, you're super mature but like if we're talking solely about age like you're 15 you cannot do anything for him you can't get him a job you can't drive him you can't do all of these other things all he's wanting is for you to carry his emotional baggage like you're not some you're not like his sponsor you're not someone who actually could help him in terms of like any like anything like you're not it whatever

his like issues are you're not licensed qualified or a legal adult who could actually help him so the idea that he really needs you he needs a lot of other people who can do a lot more for him he doesn't need like he doesn't need his like 15 year old daughter like he can love you so much and you can love him so much but like putting responsibility on you for anything is it's not like you can't you don't you don't you're not able to do anything like that for him um but i think you know and i think also i if i were you i would reach out i don't know if you have a relationship with like his sisters or um his son i don't know if you guys are like half siblings or whatever it is it may be reaching out to them and kind of like having their confirmation to being like yeah this

is kind of how this goes don't worry it's gonna be okay like we're here for you sort of a thing because if it feels like your family or your sort like you've said that like he really hasn't been around or anything like that but if maybe there's a way that you can talk to other people who are in your extended family who've also dealt with him like that you'll realize that it isn't just you and it's not something that you need to get over and also like like you said like i like i love you dad all of that stuff and you can still have um and and give him the option of saying like i like still love you and i still really care about you and whatever you want like if you want to have a relationship with him in a couple years down the road and you want to decide that like let

him know that this the relationship now needs to be on your terms not his um and yeah and then talk to your mom about it too and have her be on the same page with you so you can feel that because i don't think anyone's gonna fault you for not wanting to have a relationship with him and him saying things and that make you feel uncomfortable and if you yeah like send things if if he's sending you or saying something that makes you feel really uncomfortable i would definitely tell another adult in your life too and just so you don't i know that you're really mature and you've like very much like raised yourself but if there is someone else in your life that like if you want to like i don't know you you also can lean on somebody um and i think that's really helpful

and as someone who's now recently learning i'm like therapy i have to lean on other people i can't do everything myself um yeah it's a hard thing to do but i think uh it'll also like lessen this like feeling of responsibility that you don't need to have like i'm sure there are other there are adults in your life who also want to be able to help even as like a school counselor all of that kind of stuff because you don't you shouldn't have to like deal with all of this but i think cutting him out's the right idea but you're so mature and smart i know i i'm like i can't imagine handling this at 15 you're amazing and i'm sorry that you're even put in a situation but you're smart you know what to do you just need yeah you know the validation to do it and it's

hard when it's your family but yeah it's yeah it's really to take care of yourself and you're and you're doing a fantastic job of that and now this is like the mentally taking care of yourself part exactly which is harder because it's it feels selfish and it's not like it's very much not you know how to like get yourself to school make your lunch do all of those things and this is like okay now i need to know how to like not feel like a bird like feel burdened by something yeah so you're making the right call you're very very smart so fantastic so that's it for our calls but now or it's kind of it for our advicey calls or i guess it's not it for our calls it's fucking time for don't blame them this is where listeners call in and give their own advice from other

episodes so if someone's like had something similar happen to them they've dated a dj they'd be like okay listen they fucking suck so this is when they would call in and like essentially give their own advice if anyone's a dj i would love to get some like horror stories yes yeah not like i don't want i don't want your fucking success stories ruining my like theory that dj is the worst people to date yeah we need the i need the bad ones yeah i want the bad ones especially domestic djs hometown dj oh um hi megan and melissa because i'm calling about your most recent m&m episode um i have some advice for actually your first question with the girl who um was feeling kind of and didn't want to necessarily do things with her family all the

time i had previously been in a very similar situation where i was the girl so you guys could relate to the guy but i could relate to the girl as like a younger version of myself now it's different but um i i just would like to tell her that you i think you need to take a step back and you need to realize that you are projecting your values onto your boyfriend um just because it's extremely important to constantly have your significant other around your family that doesn't necessarily hold the kind of weight to him that it does to you. And men are really dumb. So he's not going to understand that, even if blatantly they do say it.

Sometimes they don't. But you have to not look at him in a way that you would hold yourself to it. You can't say that the plans with his friend aren't as important as my family is Because I 100% am guilty of doing that in a past relationship that is in the past now. Because of that, in a certain way, you can't expect people to conform to how you want things. A relationship is very much 50-50. And people give and receive love in many different ways. And I think like I said, if this is something that still breaks your heart because every single family thing with you, then you should reevaluate your relationship.

but my biggest advice is just take a step back and look at your you can't project how you feel and how you receive onto your boyfriend because he has his own set of values and how he feels and how he receives and that may not be um like family time to him and to you it is and you so you can't oh wait also before i run out of time you can't decide what's important to your boyfriend like you saying canceling his plans with his friends is less important than your family thing i've i've done it sis it's not it's not cute i've done that before it's pretty toxic to do when you take a step back and realize oh wow i can't decide what goes on in someone else's life anyways been around all the time but i good luck in getting through the situation bye

oh my god she's so self-realized she's like six months post-breakup where she's like i did some fucking stupid fucking shit and now i'm better about it wow i want to be that self like like actualize about relationships i don't know and or i'll just stay in this one so i don't have to like think about it but that's i mean you're right you can't decide what's important to other people um but yeah i'm i thought she was gonna like roast us because we were on his side but i do want to know if you're listening call her from that original episode would love to know what happened like what the update was and if you so she wanted him he had plans with his friends and she was like no no we're hanging out with my family and that's more important yeah yeah especially because her

sister's boyfriend was going to be there too and so it's like a competitive thing it's yeah and i was like you don't you'll be healthy too yeah and also like you never know anyone else's family situations like so someone else might be like really like into family time and hang out family but their family might not live close by and so like this is the way they get to do it is hang out there's another other's family but then sometimes like my family's cool like i'm tight but like got my friends like i don't need that or like my friends are my family and my time with them as valuable yeah that's me i'm like don't walk between me and my friends i'm not going to go to a fucking theme park with your family and matching shirts i made up the matching shirts but

when i think of whole family the theme park i think of kids getting lost and i think of matching t-shirts it's like johnson family vacation knott's berry farm like oh that i would cringe i would die i'd be like we have to break up right now this is it this is the end um well also speaking of the end wow great segue um this is the end of our podcast guys uh thanks so much for listening if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and uh international listeners you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com check out don't blame me dot show our instagrams at don't blah meme pod and where can everybody follow you um on instagram it's at becca tilly um my podcast scrubbing in with becca tilly and

tanya rad wherever you can listen to podcasts and what other thing twitter twitter i love your twitter it's a great twitter and you have a great instagram too thank you so much i'm a huge fan thank you and also now i finally fucking watch bachelor and i was like i can't back and go back and watch your seasons don't i know but i can't i can't even find it i'm that's actually a great thing i'm happy but i really wish i could like so badly somewhere you can probably buy them i mean i love you but i don't for the love of god do not buy that i don't need to see guys fall in love with you who you're not dating now like it's not like i'm good i'm good you don't want to see me get dumped twice two seasons in a row oh who cares fuck up you don't need them you're doing

better um and face id me okay um and shout out to our patreons sarah richie sonia ashton slowansky and ashley erickson why was erickson part of me read um they are are you guys shout out for our patreons if you are for our patrons if you're not following or you're not on if you're not a patreon patron patron of our patreon guys this word is fucking hard for me do not kill me um check it out uh those you guys they got a special shout out because they are the ones who recently just joined because they want to see melissa's um twerking video and we've decided yeah that's how many how many how 100 100 and then me so 100 if you join i will then take a class with melissa and we'll film it and you can see me do it which is worth so much more than 100

because guys i don't think you understand like i can't twerk at all like i've spent hours alone in my room like watching videos trying to learn how to twerk those are the videos we want that's the video we want oh i will i have nothing to twerk so also because what you're thinking of it's coming from like your legs but it comes from your back but well we'll i i'm gonna be so bad and also like i just look like every time i take like a dance class like a hip-hop class or whatever i'm like i can do ballet like i'm too tall for hip-hop like i just look like like like like a green bean who's like everyone else is like small and their moves are compact and like i do any move and it's like a choice it's a big fucking move because like i'm just long

so i can't do anything like just like a subtle move like it's like it's every it's just so and if it's like anything with your arms up like everyone's arms are here i'm like up in the fucking air it's so awkward well you don't have to worry about that part yeah it's a little it's like a it's just a strong choice too um well guys uh if you want to see that check us out on patreon and um we'll see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network