Don't Blame Me! - S4E15: Guest: Shan Boodram - He’s Never Finished

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

Sexologist and author Shan Boodram is here to share advice this week! We answer your questions on what to do if you find stolen pictures on your boyfriend’s phone, how to stop slut-shaming yourself, changing your mentality on feeling disposable, and how not to feel lost when you’re partner’s out of town. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares their advice on getting over feeling seeing your partner in a different light and start pegging away. Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @shanboody www.instagram.com/shanboody/  @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by ThirdLove, Horoscope Today, and DoorDash Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's Sliced Deli Meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita Shampoo or Conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed?

With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me not to shit on all of our other episodes and not to like make this like an impossible standard but i have no offense everyone else i've truly have never been more excited to film an episode or record an episode we have shan budram here and you are i told you as soon as you walked in that you are like my friend crush but also like i feel like that you are you are the epitome of this

podcast like if this podcast had a mascot it would be it wouldn't be me it would be you this is a fucking incredible introduction i i don't received straight to the womb like melissa can testify like this is as soon as she met you she was like we have to have her on our podcast and i looked you up and i was like oh my god also i've seen your me undies at please tell the people what you do i mean you're a sexologist which is already like just fucking cool yes i'm like here for it but yeah explain to everyone what you what you do i've referred myself as the Walmart greeter of intimacy. And that essentially means I want to get the average person excited about learning about sex, love and relationships. And so that's what I do. I look for

entry points for people who have never thought how can learning about attachment theories and orgasm recipes and consent massively improve every area of my life. Cause it's crazy that interpersonal relations are the spice of life. It's why we're alive as our superpower. And yet we never learn about them. So I just am here to correct that issue by getting people excited to learn i am so fucking excited we also have to have you like like for so this is an advice podcast you guys are new here wow don't even intro it welcome to don't blame me yeah well welcome to uh don't blame me it's an advice podcast if you want to call in the phone number is 310-694-0976 is it live no no they leave voicemails um and if you're an international listener you can send us an audio

file at meganpodcast at gmail.com so i don't read the or yeah i don't listen to the calls before but like i get summaries and so i tried to pick ones that i think like would especially be great for you but i think we have to have you on again i mean i know you're busy but i'm just telling you we're gonna have you on again and we i want to like get specific yeah super like sexually kind of calls i mean we we love doing those in general but like you i also want to bring our friend on here who's our friend our friend our friend um who struggles with orgasms and all we do is like every time we she probably hates us right now oh every time i talked to her the other day okay yeah every time i see her i'm like we gotta talk how you doing have you tried the thing with the

bathtub like faucet have we talked about this like constantly and so i'm like maybe we like we put her in the middle yeah and we can just like i love that you said that because actually that's a really great way for people to like introductory understand their body i always say with water how do you masturbate are you like jet stream are you the pulsing do you like to turn the faucet on and get that direct really hard i mean i'm a fan of like bathtub like that bathtub faucet but is that what it's called like a lot of pressure but no but i will like maneuver my body and also use my hands in a way that it's not like like yeah yeah no because then also like then i'm just like i have to pee yeah because i'm just like i feel like i'm just filling up from the

inside out so no but yeah that's like i think that i mean that was the first way i masturbated but i also think it's like still to this day i'm like this is the easiest way i can do a deep conditioner I'm asking my hair I'm like this is like self-care to a whole other level can I tell you something my um parents when I was like maybe like 13 years old introduced this removable shower head into my bathroom all I've ever wanted changed my life and recently I went back home they changed it what it was like a ritual for me to go home and have this very specific orgasm with the shower head that has like been a monumental part of my upbringing and now it's gone I remember the first time I read that in Cosmo that people were like removable shower heads like game changer and I remember I

was like 15 and I was like fuck yeah I want this but no I've never had one I've always wanted one you should get one I should get one I would I mean especially if you're a faucet maneuverer there's not a lot of maneuvering with that because you can change the setting to really like make your magic oh wow yeah but then I have to stand oh no how long is it listen I do it it's like a stretch so speaking of self-care you put your foot on either end of the bathtub so like my parents have like a bathtub where like the walls are there i'm gonna fall it's a nice little you don't fall because you're wedged your feet are wedged and i know i'm getting older because like when i was young it was easy to do that and now it's a struggle i just hear all the cracks

yeah i'm sore the next day ouch no i've yeah i've definitely had it before we were like oh that was a position i was in for far too long right against that tub um well i'm just so fucking excited for you to be here and uh give advice you're gonna be so good at this obviously um but i feel like I'm going to learn a lot. Hi, Megan. I'm 21 years old. Um, I have been with my boyfriend for about year and a half now. Um, basically like a year into our relationship. Um, I, we were moving, we already lived together. I felt kind of like weird, you know, when you like have a weird feeling about your relationship I did a naughty thing and I looked at his phone and on said phone were photos of semi-nude photos of my friends that he took off of my phone so basically he like

snuck on my phone in the middle of the night took a bunch of pictures like of my phone like I'm assuming he didn't want to send the pictures to him because then I would see it somehow I don't know um I can I can punch him like immediately um I'm a Leo so you know it's really straightforward um and we basically like talked things out that was like six months ago um it still bothers me and I will like every once in a while like bring it up and I like and I know it bothers me because i still bring it up and i don't know how to make it stop bothering me because i feel really manipulative because we did get past it and we did like already discuss it and it's been six months um so i don't know if that's like like part of me is like yeah your feelings are valid but the

other part of me is like you can't keep like throwing this at him so if you have any advice to uh make me stop being that crazy girlfriend that would be really great thank you love you bye what a great question yeah also like what photos did you have of your front like i'm like wondering what kind of photos these were of your front semi-nude i know but i'm like if you're like girls like being like oh let me take some like real hot cute pictures of like for you and all like i love the idea that like in high school that was like my phone was filled with that of me and my friends and being like we're gonna take like really tasteful cute pictures to send to like our boyfriends or like who are at summer camp right now and like i just have this image of

what like these photos are so you basically have these photos on your phone oh my i mean not anymore i wish i did high school me a hundred percent did i well what's your sign first of all i forgot to ask you this i'm an aries i am not a believer in astrology and so when she even said like i'm a leo so i'm like i feel like it's a basic human instinct that hey you've violated my privacy and you've taken photos that against consent of my friends and of myself that's a problem i'm gonna say something but that's also a very aries reaction because you're also a fire sign i feel like a show of hands who wouldn't say something if they saw that right like i think we all you would no would you yeah okay truthfully okay everybody would but all of us here are i mean

i i am a believer all of us here are people all of us here are people it's true it's true but i mean my best friend would she would never she's like very like would much more of being like oh let me like i'm not gonna bring it up i'll deal with it it'll be fine that's probably not her personality it's her personality type versus like when what month she was born but nonetheless I digress I'm an Aries and so yes to your point maybe all Aries would say something and all Leos would say something as a Leo I would say something okay good but I'm also just confrontational um yeah it's I don't know I mean this really automatic like funny enough I literally had this was very similar not the same situation to like my I had a therapy session yesterday and my whole

like with my therapist i was like you i need to be oh my god go twice a week so fun um but uh one of the things i had said to her i was like it was very much like me being like i like i want a timeline to get over stuff and like it's so frustrating and i so understand that that like you just want to be over it because if you think about it in like months wise it doesn't really matter and even if you think that you're still bringing it up and this is me projecting but like even if you're still bringing it up and everything like that i think you have to kind of look at like how you feel about it now versus how you felt about it when it happened and even if it's like a little bit better that's already better and that's showing you that it's

just gonna take time i don't think you're ever gonna fully get over something i think like we don't just like totally forget and move it but we can move past it but like it's like trust that needs to be regained and rebuilt and um as my therapist says there has to be the time in which like everything's good in your life and you feel like okay that needs to be the majority and like the bigger chunk of time versus like the trauma time or whatever she's like if the trauma time's a long time she's like you can't say like oh six months or a year like oh I should be I should be better because it's like that's not what your automatic instinct and feeling and reaction is to it I think it's like it sucks to say that it's time and that was literally me yesterday crying

you like just more time are you kidding me like I just want to be done like can you just give me tips to be done. Um, but yeah, I think like, I don't think it's manipulative. I think like in my mind, I also go to like, maybe there is something that he's not doing that makes you feel like you need to bring it up. Like I know when I have issues in relationships or whatever, and then like a need is not being met or I don't feel like seen, or I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention. Like that's when I'll throw that. And it's not necessarily manipulative, but it's kind of like, that's like that insecurity and trigger thing. And you're looking for validation. So I wonder if if he's not giving you that security that you need and i don't think he should be

i don't know i think it's a fucked up thing to do in like a way that i don't think that like this isn't like a come on babe like just get over it it was just like me going through your phone and like taking all these pictures sounds ridiculous yeah it sounds ridiculous but i think that that's because this is one area in life where we just expect that everyone's supposed to figure it out like there's a lot of natural human instincts that 200 years ago were useful but now are not we have developed far quicker than our dna and our biology have and so for example violence which used to be a helpful tendency 200 years ago and a very applicable one now is not but when we have think about how we socialize people out of violence it's not the first time

you hit somebody how dare you you're a terrible person like get away from me it's over like we're like, Hey, we don't hit, we do this. It's a very slow process. And we give people outlets for violence. Like we have a very, um, nurturing approach. And of course, as you get into adult years, there's legal ramifications for violence, similar to, you know, sexual misconduct. So all that to say is that when it comes to sexuality, again, our natural urges are supposed to be that proximity is the number one indicator of a sexual bond. So if I am in close connection with somebody, And again, 200 years ago, a man who was attracted to 50 people in the community and was able to impregnate 10 of them was a savior because he was populating the farms and like all the different shops around town. So he would have been an integral part of the community.

Now, years later, you're not supposed to be attracted to people based on proximity. You're supposed to choose one person. And if you're attracted to that one person, everybody who's around them is a no go for territory. So your natural instincts go against what we've now been socialized into. So I would just say we just live in a world that doesn't give a lot of grace for us not to make the right sexual choices at all times and for us not to be completely on brand with where we are socially in terms of connection and attraction. So I would probably just research a bit. I always find there's so much more healing and knowing the why behind things. Oh, yeah.

A hundred percent. Because if you don't know why your partner did that and beyond, like, how could you do this to me? Don't you love me? And he may not even know why. Yeah. He again, we don't learn these things in school. We're not taught about them. he doesn't know about sexual bonds and so he's like i must be a shit human being and he's trying

to rationalize his feelings and um his experiences and as long as the reason why he did it that he's a bad person how can you get over that yeah because that's going to be a consistent if you look at it like he's just a human who hasn't been able to manage this part of his humanity yet yeah and he needs somebody who's going to work with him slowly create an environment which he can change and create a environment which he can be imperfect and there's not long-term ramifications but i love the point that you made wherein that, yeah, there is, you have a right to feel a way and give yourself that right. But also try to give that person some grace of like, okay, I understand why you would be attracted to my friends or what's going on with you, but let's talk about that.

Cause it's not okay. Yeah. Cause I think it needs to be a conversation. Cause you're, you're exactly right. I'm a big, I'm a big fan of the why, like the why is the only like, and that's also like the big therapy thing that I'm like, let's figure out why, because then you can trace things back and you can also retrain your brain because we are also as like as women in general we tend to make everything about ourselves and i think like if it's an awkward or uncomfortable conversation i think what even though it's been time if you guys haven't had a sit down and be like let's talk about exactly why this happened like let's talk about what you're into let's talk about these things like is it and like we've had other calls before where um girls have found photos of other

girls like a folder of like all these pictures of the girlfriend and like lots of other girls and I was like your boyfriend probably has a fantasy about girl on girl and he's looking at pictures of you next to these other pictures of girls but I think there is like a shame aspect that maybe he's not saying something and he's not saying it why it's like okay let's just move on I'm so sorry like it's not gonna happen again but I also think it's empowering for me to know that like or if I was in the situation not that there's something that I can do to prevent something but also to know that like my partner's being super open and honest with me so like he's not you don't want anyone to hide a reason why they're doing something also and yeah if the reason why

he's doing is like he's just a dick better to know than to just be like oh let's move on and never talk about it again because i think that's why you keep bringing it up is because i think that there's still stuff there there's stuff that's still uncovered i know for me when i can't drop shit it's because there's still shit there like i'm not if it's done if we i'm not going to beat the dead horse like or anything like that but i think like you're i also live in a world though that touts that love is one size fits all and so if your partner is expressing an interest and your friends they must not care about you even if that's so far from the truth and again more so speaks to his biology than what his psychology is choosing i think we live in a

world that says like there must be something really really wrong here as opposed to this is just a natural byproduct of his humanity he hasn't gotten under control let me give grace for that i have the great my sexual fantasies are out of control like i'm married and the things that i think about during sex i make me they're awful but i also read a lot about them and i'm like oh i know why i have those fantasies i know where that's coming from and like that's a harmless way for me to do that and my partner's aware that i have fantasies you can communicate that yes but i also have the benefit of being in this space so i don't know if this guy is going to have the wherewithal to be like well based on the my biological sexual bond and my my pheromones what's happening he's

just going to be like i have seen in movies that if i do this i'm a shit person so i must be a shit person but in actuality i just think that just more about a humanity thing hi guys so um i have to be a junior in college and recently um me and one of my other college friends got high in the blanket fort and then we hooked up and um he's even younger than me and he so like we've kind of been like this friends with benefits thing um like close in a half or so and sex is great like for me it's amazing i come basically every time and like it's crazy because like he doesn't come and like I feel bad for him

like not for mine but for him so he was a virgin going into this and I was not but he does take antidepressants and I think

that might be easy to be surprised but like we've talked about it and it seems like it's not impossible to make him Tom or anything like I don't know if you could give me advice of like how to handle that um and like to add on he has depression and everything um he's been reliant like really dependent on weed and so um with that his parents stop out and like have him get like clean and like

cut me out completely but um every time he comes over or like every once in a while when he comes over he um wants a smoke and i'm down but like i do feel like i'm hindering him and like enabling him so like should i not give him to me because he is trying to be clean um so i don't know if you help me thanks y'all that was just like and then also yeah this is like such a funny like prime example of I think of just I don't want to say ignorance on like the behalf of his parents or whatever but like your son's gonna be on antidepressants and you're like totally fine which I'm all in favor of antidepressants but they're like weed get off that shit that shit that shit's addictive I'm like well I mean like I take Adderall because I have ADHD that's more

addictive than weed like prescription drugs are exponentially more addictive more dependency see bigger issues more of like a quote-unquote gateway drug than weed um and it's also such like a healthy way to deal with anxiety and depression that like i think i don't just to address that part like being like clean from weed especially if he's like it's helping him feel less depressed as someone who like takes cbd daily for anxiety and depression like it's a game changer and it's something that's so great and fantastic and not something that he should cut out at the expense of like feeling like because it's like a bad thing to do so i would just say like fuck his parents and be like you can smoke here whenever you want it would be my first thing but i mean what do you

what do you think about it all first of all again great question yeah i mean this is like you guys are you it's a good ass audience it's a bomb ass audience you've curated i love this question because it truly speaks to the breadth of what sexuality is and you have a sexual partner who is showing up, whom a good friend of mine also takes antidepressants. And to answer her question, absolutely. That's what a lot of the issues is because I mean, it's a mood alterer. It alters brain chemicals and that makes alterations in your body. Some of those alterations are positive and some are not so positive. But my friend who takes antidepressants was like, it was basically a decision for me of, do I orgasm or do I leave the house? Because my anxiety and depression was

so pervasive that I was unable to get the courage up to leave. And so she was actually smoking weed ended up being what her balance was, where she could kind of scale back her dosage a little bit, smoke some weed to balance it out anyhow, but he'll figure it out. And it sounds like he is actively looking for what his balance is. Some of us are gifted to have that natural brain balance and those natural brain chemicals where we don't have this issue, which it can be difficult for us to empathize, but everybody is different. I think when it comes to sexuality, the crazy thing that people think is that they have complete control over it. Like I have control over my orgasm, over my libido. We hear this often with women where it's like, they're not orgasming. It's like,

well you're not you're not opening up enough mentally and it's like maybe you're not stimulating me physically or maybe my body doesn't have the sensitivity in that area like i say to people all the time when they're having this like my partner's not doing this sexually like why aren't they doing it and you're like okay do me a favor tell your pancreas to stop working right now you know check in with your kidneys and be like you know what i want you to put out a purple dye this time you don't have this control over your body your body's going to do what it does and it's finding people around you who are willing to go through the process with you. So I love the fact that he's giving you orgasms. He's still actively hooking up. I actually had somebody who worked with me

where a lot of the times what happens is the person's on antidepressants. One goes through erectile dysfunction, so can't maintain an erection or get an erection. And then starts just stopping all sexual contact altogether because of the shame. And in many ways, putting that on their partner, like I'm not in the mood for you. And then explaining that it's coming from a place of insecurity because their body is doing things that they don't want or not doing the things that they do want so this honestly sounds like best case scenario for their scenario and it sounds like he's dedicated to figuring out what his balance is and through that you're getting an orgasm and it sounds like a nice partner yeah and like a regular orgasm i'm very excited for you

oh i love that i also love that the first time that they like hooked up was like they made a fort and they were high and i was like fuck yeah i'm here for that i would also just suggest i i don't know how much you guys are like talking about stuff that he's into um and i think like you said antidepressants i think like that's the cause i have lots of friends who both like men and women who've been on antidepressants and it's the exact same thing um and like maybe start by like watching porn together if you're into that and like seeing that or like mutual masturbation like something that doesn't necessarily like what i think is good about like mutual masturbation it's not like not i don't think sex should be like an end game thing in general like oh we are all

just racing to this like one point but like when it's that it's it's a little less oh we're responsible for each other and it's more like hey we're doing this together this is our own thing like if this if like who cares where this ends up it's just kind of like trying it out there's a little bit and maybe for him a little bit like less uh shame in like the sense of being like oh he's not having like penetrating and then not getting hard like something like that where it can feel like a little like lower stakes in that kind of way because i think from what i've known it's about people finding if the chemicals and like the immediate like physical reaction isn't there and it's doing a lot more prep work to get there and then he might not have ever had to do

that before maybe when he was like masturbating when he was younger before an antidepressant it was just like an easier thing so it's a learning curve to figure out like oh what are these additional things that i haven't even realized turned me on and like how can i go through all of this together but i think like it's also fantastic that a you're his like first sexual partner and he's like comfortable talking to you about all this stuff especially like talking about being on antidepressants because that's already like a pretty bad like stigma um so i'm yeah i have like lots of hope and faith for this i'm really excited like you've really picked up on so many nuances from that story and i'm like oh yeah she did say that the weed fort though is

good yeah we did excellent you're great i i i mean i love i love listening to other people's like sex life talks it's like one of my favorite things okay there you go listeners if you want to get on the show oh truly they know yeah they know we're obsessed with that uh well uh should we go on to the next one hi um i am 19 and i recently got into my first relationship um we have been dating for a couple months and we are sexually intimate this is my first sexual partner and I'm having issues like I feel like I'm like internally slut shaming myself like I feel guilty every time I have sex like the only people that know that I am sexually active are my two best friends I can't tell my parents well I could but I'm really not trying to delve into that

bucket um and i just really feel like i'm i have like internalized blood shaming going on and i just don't know how to get past it i love i love my boyfriend and i'm he makes me feel comfortable and everything but um yeah so i was just wondering if you had any advice on that thanks in advance bye guys do you get i i'm so curious about what your experience with like questions like this are for like because i i we've talked about this i think we had an episode a while ago about like i don't think that everyone is born sex positive because that's not how like i don't know that's not how our world naturally is and so like i remember growing up and it was like oh my god that girl's a slut and that sort of thing like i didn't even know what a fucking

like i didn't even know what the term like slut was all i knew is it was bad and you don't want to be that and as i got older i started having sex it was like oh wait wow what's wrong like it became this whole thing of like we grew up in this in a world in which and i even grew up in a very like liberal even like stare like you would call it like a sex positive way but like that's not how like the rest of the world is and like media and it still gets like infiltrated that like even when i first started having sex i think everyone kind of goes through that process before you're able to be sex positive um so i think like a i think this is like very very normal and like as someone like i started having sex at like 16 i'm like 26 now i'm like i'm 10 years i'm like very sex

positive, but like the first year that you have sex, it's, it's a, it's very, you're like, what am I doing? This is so different. And also why have I been calling all of these girls or like, why have I been joining in as people call these other girls sluts? And I'm suddenly doing this thing that like was so taboo and terrible, but yeah. You're bang on. I mean, I think it's just exactly what you even said to the previous caller. It's a matter of like equal amounts of time. So if you've gotten 18 years of propaganda that sex is bad, that women who have sex are shameful or slutty or dirty, et cetera, whatever language that you've received, you know, give yourself three years to unlearn that, give yourself a little bit of time to work through those feelings

and emotions. And I go back to understanding like the knowledge element of it. Like why was it in a society's benefit to tell women to not be sexually active? Like where does that take over the world? Right. And that's the actual goddamn truth that countries where women are more sexually liberated, actually the quality of life is better overall. So other countries where women are not as sexually liberated. Like there's less, uh, access to healthcare. There is less equal rights. There's less opportunity. There's less entrepreneurialism. There's less invention. So women having sex and rights over their sexuality is actually a lifesaver. It's a world saver. Like probably nothing has made a larger impact on our global economy than women having autonomy

over their bodies. So, you know, put that in your pancake and stuff it as you know, you know, stroke yourself off to say, I'm saving the world by reclaiming my right to do this. I was saying this to my friend because she is celibate. It was a choice that she made for herself that she loved, but it's like starting to reconsider that and trying to really reconcile like what God has said about her sexuality versus what she knows. And I'm like, look, like God still had the right intention. You know, let's think about this 3000 years ago when God was like, don't have sex before marriage and limit your sexual partners. And a sexually active woman is a dirty woman, a shameful woman that was before modern science and modern medicine that was before birth control. So I could

totally see how 2000 years ago, the best wave would be like, probably not. Cause if you get bacterial vaginosis, you're dead. Like we don't have any treatment for you. So like chill on that. Like God said, don't do it. I understand that the logic behind why that many years ago, that would have been a rule that was applicable. Just not the case anymore. My favorite one to do when I'm like thinking about like, is it wrong to pleasure? Is it wrong to even self-pleasure is if you know god did not want us to masturbate or engage with our genitals it would be in the middle of our back where it's hard to get oh my god like where you can't self that one spot yes okay you're like this is always dry this part of my body has never felt this is the most convenient

place possible like you could not have set it up anymore that's true you've got both hands access i'm flexible i could i could i could master it with my heel of my foot oh wow you do look very flexible thank you i like notice that as you're sitting like there's like look how stiff i am and that goes back to me being on the bathtub, masturbating with water. Like it's a struggle for me. Yeah. Yeah.

You're really in flow there. Also there's like crazy health benefits to orgasming. Oh yeah. And it releases DHEA. It lowers blood pressure. It improves your cardiovascular. Like it's one of the number one ways to prevent heart disease. Keeps you looking longer,

younger, younger, younger, longer, younger, longer. So when you really look at it, you're like,

no, like this is good. I see why people would have promoted that it was bad based on the times, but times have changed. and I'm changing with them. Yeah. Literally. I think the other thing I would say is we, I know I've given this advice before is read more sex positive material. I think like when I was younger and I thought of like sex positive things, I would think of things like sex in the city, which like they talk about sex, but it's not educational. And it's not, I don't necessarily find it like

empowering because I'm like, I can't relate to her closet. I can't relate to her lifestyle. And I'm like, but I'm supposed to relate to the sex part. And that's hard. But I think like finding sex positive material that is also doesn't have to do with like ways to please your man like how to get your husband blah blah blah things that are targeted towards younger people and even like tv shows that have people having more casual sex not that you're having casual sex but i think that's the most sex positive kind of language because when it comes when they're talking about like sex positivity in like marriages or long-term relationships that feels like in my mind that's like conditionally positive and it's like no no i want to hear like sex positive you're having sex

like a different person every night this is all fine whatever also don't watch the current season of bachelor in paradise because it's very slut shaming what's your favorite sex positive books that for you made a massive impact i mean i didn't even read books for me it was just i i did this thing like probably two how long has trump been in office three years three years i basically unfollowed every single person on twitter and refollowed everyone and i just curated everything with like very like left liberal content and lots of like sex positive like any sort of content and just i i literally like it's so much of me is just like twitter then deep diving to people retweeting articles and finding articles that way and then we will look up tons of articles i i'm

like a fiend on my phone for that kind of stuff and i've never read a book but i definitely like would love to but even tv shows like i remember the first time i watched broad city and it wasn't like like it wasn't like this like educational casual sex thing it was just like it's like the first time you see like uh like a queer character represented on tv and like the storyline is not that they're gay it's just they're there and that was the thing with broad city i'm like oh you're just like having sex and like we're not like it's not necessarily we're not talking about it in a way of like oh my gosh it's just like this is normal and all of these characters are doing this and it's totally normal and fine and that for me was very like oh wow this is really cool

it also opened up the conversation to me talk for me talking to my friends about it which i think is also like the most liberating thing because even even if you're really really close with your friends and you feel comfortable talking about like a lot of stuff like sexual partners and things like that I don't know at least even for me like when I was having like I didn't even say I wouldn't even say I necessarily had like casual sex and when I was like in college but like you know like hooking up like sleeping with like people that I that was friends with or whatever there's still like it felt weird to then tell my friends until we start talking about it and I was like oh we're all do why are we not talking talking about this like we're all doing this

um and i think when you're younger it's hard to talk to your friends about it but then you realize like oh everybody's doing it's not just the girls that i called like oh she's a slut like she had like everyone's having sex yeah like the girl with like i had transition and actually i didn't have transition lens it's the first time i had sex but i mean like you know like i was like i was not like the poster child of like the girl that you'd see it like who's like an abercrombie crop top and like oh wow she's a slut like here i am in my like gauchos being like i'm having sex too like i don't know like that for me made it more accessible because it wasn't like this thing that like like sturdy girls did yes and my favorite definition of slut is just the perception

of somebody who has a more sexually exciting life than you so when i call someone a slut it's really a reflection on my own sexual life and my perception of what you're doing that i'm not and then it's a compliment it really is like yeah call me a slut yeah fuck yeah daddy okay also Moss is bad I literally made a joke to him my boyfriend I was like I want to like he we were watching something where someone called someone daddy in bed and I kept being like what would you do he's like no no fucking way and I keep trying to and he will not let me your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search

select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply which version do poppy or oh my god he i think he would throw me across the room i truly think he would just be like you gotta find the german word what's german word for dad let's get that going he'd be like bless you like because darth vader means why do you know this fuck it up yes that's so funny like darth my good friend darth oh that's so funny oh well is it time for a break yeah okay so we're gonna take a quick break guys and we'll be back vader vader

okay guys we are back from our break and we're going to hop into the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa and potential guests um i'm 22 years old and i'm kind of just going through like i don't know a weird phase i had a pretty beautiful boyfriend when i was in high school and i dated him for like three and a half years and then when i was out of high school i went on tinder like when i went to college and i had a little bit of like a ho phase i was emotionally detached from the world and then i met uh my ex-boyfriend and uh i ended up losing my virginity to him and i was really in love with him and then we were together for a little over a year that cheated on me so once again after that relationship ended i became super emotionally detached from the

world and i had a little bit of a ho phase again and then i met my most recent ex-boyfriend and um I fell in love with him and it was my first like adult relationship I feel I was graduated from college and I was just in an overall better mental place and I could go out and drink and I could like really just do whatever I wanted and I lived alone and he lived alone um so it was a really good relationship but uh things ended up ending pretty badly with him as well um so once again I'm finding myself in this like emotionally attached realm and it's been almost a year since he and I have broken up and I keep passing up nice guys because I'm scared of getting hurt again and I I'm just so tired of history repeating itself like over and over and over again like I feel

like every every couple years I do this where I meet someone nice and I give them a chance and then they hurt me and then I start hurting other people and I don't really know what else to do I started going to therapy around the same time that he and I broke up last year and i've been doing that pretty consistently and i've been working out and like overall trying to do all the stuff that people say will improve your mental health but none of it's really helping i still miss them a lot and i still wonder why like what it is about me that makes the three men in my life that i've ever really loved really see me as so disposable i don't even know really what i'm asking just maybe advice for what to do and how to like move past that mental block when

I go on dates if I'll go on a date I will just like drive home and hate them already like even if the date was fun I had a good time and I want to see them again usually by day two like the next day I'm like uh I don't really want to do that again even though like they didn't do anything wrong I just kind of like find little things and I just harp on them I don't know any advice you have would be great I mean I truly think there's absolutely nothing wrong with you like at all I think like i don't want to be like you're not special or whatever but like i feel like i've said this all of my friends have had this like i've countless people like this is this is just like you're when you're saying like what's wrong with me like there's nothing wrong with you like

you've dated three guys who it ended up sucking um and we've like every relationship ends until it doesn't or and that one will also end probably in death like everything ends at some point um i think going to therapy is fantastic i i'm assuming and hoping you're talking about this with your therapist because that like your dating life and your your outlook how you date for you right now is obviously like reflecting a lot how you feel about yourself and so your mental health is also tied to that like and so I don't know if you're not bringing up dating in therapy because it feels like a trivial like lame stupid thing but it's definitely not it's definitely something to talk about with your therapist um and I I also wonder like if you haven't had like

I don't want to say like healing from all of these like other relationships but like if and you've taken like a year-long break from that since your last one which I think is great and we've talked about this it's retraining yourself when you have a type that's shitty and detrimental you have to find other you have to retrain yourself to not be attracted to that and then not that i'm saying that you're seeking out those kinds of relationships i also think there's just like also a lot of really shitty guys in the world who just like happen to like lurk on dating apps and like wait for and just it would happen to anyone but i think if you think that there's something that you're, that you're seeking out. And like, when you're going on dates with nice

guys, I think it's also valid. There is, there doesn't have to be anything wrong with someone to like, not, you don't have to like everyone. You're not going to like everyone. I constantly would go on dates and then be like, yeah, I fucking hated that person. I made out with them for an hour, but I did not like them. Will not call them again. Like not into it. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It's just like, it's not a connection. And like, they don't have to have something like crazy wrong with them for you to be allowed to not like them. You're just allowed to not like them um but I I'd also wonder like is there something if you can look at what you're attracted to is it healthy and like are you attracted to things that like your first

relationship you said was like incredibly toxic are there things that were you retrained to think of like negative things and reinterpret them as love and is that something that when you a guy who's doing that which from the outside someone might be like that's not good that's not like a nice way to treat someone but you're like oh no that's my love language is you talking shit about me like is there something like that that you feel has gotten you there because otherwise i think like this is just i don't want to say like the story of being young and dating but it kind of is yes um i am so like in the middle of what you just said but i'm like there's so many things that the truth the matter is is that it kind of has to be her yeah and that's a good that's great news because

there's two kinds of people. There's people that life happens to, and there's people who are happening to life. And so if you're not in control, if you're not the common denominator and you can't figure out what you can do differently than like your SOL and you should do what you're doing, which is entering every situation with fear because you have no control over the outcome. So all you can do is hope there's obviously something here that you can do. And I think you made an incredible point just now in that let's acknowledge is hard out here, honey. Like it is very difficult. And I refer to this time period in people's lives from the ages of like 16 to like 26, 27, even as like your practice years, because we live in a society that has,

of course, pushed the age of marriage pathway later, but also our society, especially America pushes this notion that relationships are a distraction to yourself betterment. And if you want to get ahead in life, like don't settle down, don't get too serious too quick. Cause your job right now is to make money, buy a house, build equity, et cetera, et cetera, versus, Hey, relationships are a healthy contributing part to your overall self betterment to your mental health and to your career health as a matter of fact. So treat these seriously and ethically and learn how to do them well. So people are in this bizarre space where biologically they're driven to make bonds, but socially they're told like, don't worry about

them. And so I think that creates a lot of shitty behavior. Um, and so you're looking for somebody who's an ethical dater during the practice years, somebody who's like, okay, look, even though we may not be going for forever. We're going to try to get to know ourselves better through this circumstance and come out of it and be able to leapfrog to the next better situation or stay in the situation to your point. I think that like what the problem is during this years is that every relationship, like kind of certain with jobs at a certain place, when you're at jobs, every job should be getting you a little closer to your dream job. And you shouldn't be leaving jobs, having to rediscover who you are, go to therapy, crawl back to your sense of self and

purpose only to then try to look for a new job. You're supposed to end one job and say, that was great. I learned about myself. I taught that person. I contributed to that company and now I'm going to move on to something different. So unfortunately you're choosing people who not only are you ending it, but you actually have to go back and rediscover who you are because you were so damaged and hurt in these relationships. So there, to your point is warning signs that you're not picking up on. I think it's important to acknowledge that love is a drug. Love is addictive and love is based on proximity. It's a natural pair bond that occurs. And so loving someone is not enough.

You have to be consciously aware of like, what kind of person are you loving and what kind of signs are they showing? Because it's up to you to really pick people that you're going to leave that situation and say, I like who that made me. And I'm excited about who I'm going to meet next as a result of what I learned through that partnership.

Oh my God. You are so fucking wise. I just like, do you want to be my third therapist? Girl, I can't do it three times. This is the thing. And like, and the fact, i think that your audience goes to therapy because of like the example that you said that makes me really happy that was like yeah these callers are off the chain well it makes

me so happy to just hear people going to like therapy because like therapy like it's fantastic but it's also like super fucking hard and like i was anxious to go to therapy like i was nervous like make my first appointment so like it makes me happy that i'm like okay i finally did it and also i finally went to the gynecologist now people are also going hell yeah um but yeah i mean i think i think you're totally right and i think it makes like that also like that speaks so much this yeah it's also that age in those years and everything like that like i think back to like my boyfriend definitely has uh similar traits to like guys i've always been attracted to but i remember like the first people that i was always attracted to like guys that i was into or dated

or whatever like they're the qualities that i was really into it wasn't like oh he was a nice guy it's like oh he's really confident like he's really assertive he's really cocky and then the older that you get I'm like oh I'm going after these people who are kind of like it is the practice years and they're like I don't fucking care I don't fucking care it's like oh but like this could be so fun and then it's like yeah fuck it and I'm like oh I'm so attracted to this fuck it and then I'm like oh well you just fucked me over cool cool cool and so it becomes that thing but like as I've gotten as I got older and my boyfriend I started dating when he he was like at the towards the end of his practice years and I was definitely still in mine but I like

was very done with my practice years are you done with it now oh yeah I'm done I mean we're gonna end up we've talked we'll end up together like we've been together for like four years now and i'm like we live together i'm like we're good i'm also like 45 in a 26 year old's body where i'm just like i'm already i'm already ready to peace out i was ready to peace i like stopped drinking at 19 i was like i'm done i've aged through all the stuff um but yeah just just how we approach relationships is so different and i think about it in the sense of like once i started dating someone who was older than me how he approached a relationship was so different than every other guy I dated who was my age who was like also in that bracket of like oh we're just like figuring

it out but like I felt like I not that I want to say I was like figuring it out faster but it's like the same way like you you want a partnership that's going to like you want like a partnership you don't just want to be like oh let's like fuck it and see if this kind of works and like I don't care if your feelings get hurt um so I think it's it's maybe potentially if it's you you try dating someone who's like a little bit older um but also and like you said warning signs talk to your friends your friends who love you so much are probably tight fucking lift about these guys that you date because they don't want they want to keep you i think they're doing the right thing which is not just shit talking every person that you date because they want to be there in your

life but if you open up those floodgates if i had friends who came to me and i was like hey my ex-boyfriend like i just like can we talk i'd be like oh girl i've been holding it in for like so fucking long statistically friends and family can predict divorce better than anybody else makes total sense because and they can also see and they can tell you of them like my best friend had like a very like sit down conversation with me because i was that career person where i was like oh i'm not gonna date like it's just gonna happen she was like fyi it's not just gonna happen you're gonna have to put the fucking work in because you're not gonna end up with the first person you start seriously dating and you have to date now or you're gonna die alone and i was like

oh yes friend okay yeah and she was a very and she treated dating when she got for 20s and she wanted to be in a relationship she treated it like a like a job she treated like job interviews and meeting with people and like it wasn't like oh all the eggs in one basket with each person and then like your summer travels deserve an upgrade with select chevrolet buick gmc and cadillac vehicles connected by onstar you can stream game and more on the go whether you're headed to a music festival or a cottage getaway you can access hundreds of apps on google play right from your center display explore onstar tech today at onstar.ca and discover how to take your summer to the next level onstar better never stops being devastated every time it was like no

i'm gonna play i'm gonna figure this out figure out what i like and then i get here and i'm like okay cool this is awesome i was like wow this is so much better than i've been doing and i've been like holding out as if i'm going on the bachelor and be like no i'll just see them and in four days we'll fall in love it'll be fantastic what's so crucial about that advice is that it's the practice years for a reason like i refer to it like some people are motel daters like they date like i don't give a fuck my home training's on pause i'm stealing shit i'm never coming back to this place again burn it down and are you gonna do that and then expect that when you meet the right person you're gonna have the skills to have a healthy partnership if you haven't been showing

up in loving intimate connections as the quality of kind of um life partner material you're not going to magically know how to do that when it actually counts. On to the next. Hey, Megan. So basically my issue is my boyfriend or my partner, I guess, I don't know, we live together, has recently gone on a boy's trip with his friends. So he's been gone for about three days now. So he left on Monday, came back on Friday. Anyway, so not a super long trip, but like I said, we live together. So it's like super weird for him to like be away, if that makes sense. Um, like it's just weird being in the house alone and all this stuff. Anyway, um, I suffer from like depression and anxiety, fun, fun, who doesn't? Um, anyway,

but, um, my issue is that like, when I feel like, I know, I feel like I'm like too dependent on him. like I love him so incredibly much like he's he's my best friend which is great but it also makes me feel kind of lost when he's gone um and he's got a lot of trips coming up recently like he's got like I said there was this boyish trip and he's got a couple of other sporting trips coming up and I just feel really like lonely and depressed when he's gone and it just makes me feel really pathetic um like I feel like you know I'm supposed to be the strong independent woman who don't need no man um and I just feel like really down when he's gone and like all this stuff and last time he went on a trip was about last year and um I mean a trip like without me uh at that point we

weren't living together but I got into a really bad kind of depressive spiral um over that time and like that was only a long weekend and like after that kind of depressive spiral I just kind of kept spiraling and ended up on antidepressants. Um, so yeah, I just like, I try to distract myself. I try and, um, keep myself busy. Um, but like, I just feel like my depression gets better with me, especially when he's gone and I don't want to have to rely on him, um, obviously to keep me sane and keep me happy. Cause that's not what I want. I want to be able to do that on my own. And like, like I said, I try and keep busy and distract myself, but it just, it feels like it just doesn't work and I always end up back in this kind of like depressive slump so I guess I'm just

kind of looking for some advice on like what to do and how to cope with it um it would be really great yeah just like it sucks feeling like I need him here when I want him to be able to kind of go off and do his own thing without me but like right now it just kind of feels like whenever he's kind of you know off doing these things without me I just kind of start panicking internally and being like oh my god here we go again I'm gonna feel shitty for the next however long he's gone um so yeah any help you could give me would be great and any advice um but yeah I love your podcast thank you so much I want you to start with this one because I relate so much to this so I really want to hear what you have to say no I think I want to hear what you have to

say if you have a personal relation to it I mean this is like very much uh I'm I I totally relate because i'm very much the same way and the whole thing that i mean my first overall thing is i'm going to recommend is therapy because your reaction as i've said on the podcast before what my therapist refers to it as if it's hysterical it's historical and logically your boyfriend gone for a weekend shouldn't make you this upset and the reason why there there is a reason why it's making you this upset it's not that you're sensitive it's not anything else like that and i don't want to like diagnose you or anything like that but as again as my therapist says it's it's it's any any sort of like underlying like childhood trauma or like abandonment issues

or anything like that like it has to be something that you felt this feeling before and it's gotten and you felt this feeling so many times and enough and it had like a negative react it had a negative it had a negative effect or not even a negative effect but like it ended badly where it's like yes he's going on these boys trips nothing's going wrong but something has happened that gives you the similar feeling and something did go wrong and that keeps happening and happening. And that's why this reaction, at least for me, that's this, cause I've literally had the exact same thing. My therapist was like, why am I losing my mind? And it was like, well, it has nothing to do with this. Like it has everything to do with like everything else. And it's unpacking all of that

stuff and finding and being able to work with a therapist also. And if, if you then talk to a therapist and there's so many different kinds of therapy, but if you talk to a therapist and maybe it isn't necessarily some like specific uh like thing in your history or trauma thing or whatever and there's but they're also they there's tools that they can give you to teach you to like help you figure that out and if you haven't experienced like if this is a new level of like anxiety and depression because like for me i'm like oh i know how to deal with different levels of like feeling anxious or whatever but then there's certain ones and like literally this was like what my entire session was yesterday where i was like there's other ones that i'm like this

is fucking foreign and like everything that i normally do to make myself feel better like distractions all of that stuff like isn't necessarily working and it's about figuring out why you feel that way and then once you figure out why which for me I was like well I know like now that we know why like let's fix it but the more that you can figure out why that's how you can rationalize with yourself and that idea that like you want to do everything yourself very much totally relate to that you can't do everything yourself in your life at all like it's not this one man show this is my own race this is my own thing I need to figure this stuff out all on my own. Cause you're not going to be able to, like, you're not going to be able to fit. Like if you

have any sort of like childhood things, like those are things that you don't really like think about as much. You need someone, not even someone to like lean on to like do that, but like someone that you can talk to. So you guys can figure it out together to empower you to know, Oh, this is why I feel this way. And this is how I can feel a different way. But if once you, if you just keep everything like that all in your head, at least for me, that's when it becomes like, not just an anxiety spiral but like a shame spiral of being like why am I doing this but the second that for me like when I vocalize that to a therapist and talking about it it's like oh okay like this isn't me being crazy this isn't me being sensitive like there are things I can do it's not just oh

buck up you'll get over it you'll be fine um and it can the feeling of feeling like you're being crazy at least for me is like such an igniting anxiety feeling in general like if I'm like oh I'm being fucking crazy then my anxiety brain is like oh you're feeling crazy want to feel even more fucking crazy like we're gonna shut down and so i think like the more that you can talk about it and then find certain things like if there are certain things that like make you specifically anxious if you can find them and maybe it will take a while before it's not just like this big overarching like anxiety like dark spiral um if you can find certain things like we literally like every time mods goes out of town we have like a game plan of being like okay and we'll talk about

it like in therapy, like the week that he's before he goes. And it's like, okay, so this is what's going to happen. Like in the morning, you're going to call and you're going to text and you're going to do this and it's going to be this. And then Megan, you're going to go do this with your friends in this day. And you're going to make sure that you, um, you're going to go work out and that's going to feel great. You're not going to like watch any like sad shows. Like you're going to like lots of positive content, like a friend's going to sleep over and like, you're going to check in, you're going to FaceTime and all of that. And then that becomes like the retraining, at least for me of like retraining. So I, my reaction doesn't always get like that

because then it's like oh we're doing these things and it's not just all on me emotionally it's like this is actual conversations and you doing things and then me doing things and it doesn't it doesn't ignite that like trauma side of my brain that like i'm not even necessarily conscious of that i'm taking this same like visceral feeling and just like diving with it to something that's totally unrelated i can really connect with like actually what is happening here right now and how do i feel right now and how are we addressing like the current situation at hand um but that's also just me like with going to therapy twice a week self-diagnosing you and being like you are me that's what i that's at least in my opinion when i deal with this all

the time this is that's how i feel that was awesome i mean there's not like a ton i can am i right topically contribute i mean i mean this is the thing is i think all of these are anecdotal in a sense because you don't have the full breadth of conversation but i love that idea of coming up with a game plan that is mutual responsibility that's not just all on you like there are people that's accountability partners. You have a plan of action. And when you have a plan, you can relax a little bit because you know what to come next. And so I think maybe that's a part of it too, is that your routine is thrown off. Your usual structure is thrown off. So creating a new structure might really help your anxiety. I think it's also massively important

to acknowledge that like we are born to bond. We are community-based pair bonding mammals. And I think about this in terms of human superpower is our ability to connect to one another. And I don't mean that in like some hokey shit way like our true power is hell of i just mean genuinely like we don't run the fastest we don't have the sharpest claws our teeth are not the sharpest we if it was us versus a bear a lion an elephant we'd fucking die but together as a community we are powerful that to be said 300 years ago if you get isolated by your core tribe if you're left alone and they go off without you your fight or flight is going to ignite because you don't have a chance out there by yourself. So your brain, when you're isolated, when you're away from your security net,

from your tribe, from your individual and your person, you're going to feel unsafe because again, you're biologically bred to believe that when you are a lone wolf, you are, don't have a chance out there. So I think a lot of those insecurities just, or that fear just comes from, I guess, that natural biological indicator that says, Hey, the person who's here to protect me, the person who's here to keep me safe is no longer around. I'm vulnerable. What do I do? i think that again like i'm such a big fan of like the reading up on like why love is so addictive you know what love does on the brain and acknowledging that i um travel a lot away from my partner and i we interchange i love you with i'm addicted to you like oh and is that cute

i don't know i think that's cute sometimes i'm like listen like i the more like uh boring my work trip is the more that i'll miss that person oh yeah and so then there'll be times where i'm like sick with worry and he's actually going away for the first time and leaving me in the house by myself like next week. And there's concerns I have with that, but I also know where those are all coming from. I know it's not actual rational thought. I know it's like, again, like some biological needs or that I feel like is putting me in fight, flight, or freeze that I should be in actual threat. I have to rationalize to myself, like, bitch, you will be fine. You know what I mean? Like you can invite your dog, your friend's dog over exactly what you said, come up with some

kind of game plan or strategy, but also give yourself grace because when you are that closely linked with someone your serotonin levels are balanced by each other you know your dopamine receptors are balanced by each other you are that person's integral part of your daily cycle and when they're removed it's going to be problems just like if you had a smoking addiction and you stopped smoking for five days it would be a rough five days yeah yeah i know that's oh my god that's wow wow i feel like i've gotten to another therapy session this week except i'm not crying this time are you addicted to your love to your love oh 100 i mean like it's like yeah yes yeah i got the i got the itch bad y'all and i know that and it's like there's healthy addictions out there in this

world and that's why i say to people that like love essentially is like when you walk if you went into a room that had like lsd crack cocaine meth k k is one right that's one of the drugs that's the ketamine okay oh god i had a friend who did that once and i was like not cool dude stop what the fuck that's a horse triangle that's where you ate 90 pounds what's the one that you take before you you get a hit of it before you die it's one that joe rogan um oh he touts a lot i think it starts with like a d or something like that apparently like just before i get animal it gets oh no i know what you're talking about yeah yes it's like that final yeah it's a chemical yes oh wow was that just in a movie or a show why do i maybe i just read something about it

recently because they literally just read about that too yeah i mean apparently it's this incredible feeling but anyhow so all that to say is if you had all these drugs laid out and no one explained to you the addictive property of drugs and you walked into a room and they said just try one you would get addicted to the first one that you tried um and so like that's the same thing with love love is indiscriminate you're going to make a bond regardless but you make a healthy choice it sounds like this girl made a really great choice yeah that her addiction is a healthy one and it balances out and it gives her space and love and security and all of the things it's just learning how to manage when that addiction is no when that addictive property isn't around you as

no person can ever be yeah and you also can't do it alone you have to do it with him and it has to be a conversation where he's also willing and able and even if it's not something that not that i'm saying he doesn't necessarily like so much of my things come from like childhood stuff that like my boyfriend has no experience with whatever so it's not like it's not his necessarily his instinct like oh yeah I feel the exact same way it's getting him on your level to understand that but it's hard to take away the shame of that because you just feel like you're being clingy and crazy and it's a relationship and like you want him to like you more than like you like him but like you're saying like it's chemical it's not even necessarily like oh I just like I like him

more than he likes me and that's why I miss him it's like it's a routine and especially like for me I like if I'm feeling like super depressed like I thrive off a routine and if my routine is thrown off and like my wife and if Mons is not there and I'm like doing my own my routine's not the same and it's like it it just gets when you get into those routines that like help your mental health feel a lot better anytime that switches up i think it's can be really hard are you anxiously attached like said what's that mean i mean in attachment theory which yeah everyone should look into and you probably should chat about with your therapist it's a way of figuring out how people create bonds to other people and they're secure anxious there's fearful avoidant and there's

avoidant dismissive so that might be something just to kind of check out probably i'm just constantly getting new things of being like they're the other four letter like acronyms and then this one too and i'm like okay i'll buy more i feel like attached is kind of like the new love languages it's like making a splash yeah yeah it's making a splash into pop culture so i like that i did look up once if i was codependent and then i was like no i tried to think about it because i was like i might go to i just watched a youtube video of a girl who's like talking about codependency and then i was like oh i wonder if i'm codependent and then i read it all and i was like no i'm not and then i was like this is what people do on like uh i do like the like mental health version of um

like self-diagnosing on like, I'm like, oh, I wonder if I have that. And then I'm like, oh no, I don't. I would think that you're somebody who probably was because attachment theory comes from childhood and like an anxious attached person would have had a parent who was smothering at times, but very distant at other times, like created, you know, nothing creates an addiction, like an inconsistent reward. And if you have a parent who has inconsistent parenting styles, I can create that anxiety and anxious attachment. But it sounds like you are probably secure now. Like you've put the work in through time, through therapy, through self-love that you probably now err on the side of like a securely attached person yeah oh my god i love

this i mean this is like it sounds about right yeah uh my god well uh i have big faith uh for you and your relationship and all of this stuff but therapy therapy again is always the advice do we have time it is the time yeah it is the time for don't blame them i was what were we doing before oh don't blame them don't blame don't blame them and this is when listeners call in with their own advice from previous episodes so if they've experienced something similar and they want to give their own personal advice a little audio comment thread living hi megan i am calling in regards to the girl um who called about uh her boyfriend um who he was interested in um pegging so I actually had a similar situation like this I was dating a guy um

and he you know asked me if that was something that I'd be interested in at first I was kind of taken aback um and it took me a little while to get comfortable with it and and per what she was saying you know he definitely had the stereotypical like quote-unquote masculine qualities um and I never you know thought that I would see him any different but I just it was something in my own head that I had to get over so we kind of talked about it a lot and one day we actually went to a sex shop and like we together picked out you know like a harness and like picked out all the items that you would need uh for that and it's actually like pretty hot um and then like by the time we finally did it like i you know had a couple drinks and

it was really fun it was definitely interesting and it definitely brought us a lot closer um and like one of you were saying it was a total power trip so i think you know to the girl like it's it's not going to change your thoughts it's your playlist might get you through the work day but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions.

We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. You know, something that feels great for them and it's totally empowering for you. And it's a really fun time. So I think you should try it. Bye.

i feel like i would feel so powerful me too like so fucking powerful like i would just like i mean i've always wondered what it's like to like have a dick and just be like i can do whatever like you know like i would just be like a white man with a dick and i would just feel fucking i literally the world would be at my fingertips and i like i can't even imagine that kind of power but i think that's like i think it's a it's a nice way to make it sexy power dynamics and power play is so sexy in sex and i also just think of any time with sex toys has anyone seen the photo of um juni cortez from um spy kids uh he was a little boy in spy kids he's an adult now which is why this story is okay okay i was like where are you going with this

love that movie but i was also a kid when it came out um he is married to megan trainer who sings um bass i'm all about that what is that what is that the dance she does like all i remember was that um and i was like in pastel colors and headbands um and there they were photographed walking out of like a sex shop with like big bags just like full of shit and it was like right when they started dating and i was like i love this for them like where have you been since by kids at a sex shop and i just loved it it was like that's that's also like a bold move as like a celebrity to go to like a sex toy shop in la yes i was like yeah go ahead you're cool getting photographed i'm here for this so i yeah i i love that i think it's uh yeah i think it's

it's a great thing and i mean yeah we touched on masculinity as like a very weird concept it's like a not real thing um or like not like a gender specific like a gender specific sort of thing um but yeah i think it's a it's a great it's a great thing if you want to shifting the culture takes a while did you see that gma um host who made that ballet comment yeah but i also acknowledge that it's a shifting the culture takes time and that she's an older lady and she probably grew up again like with 40 plus years of a certain messaging being taught to her and even if she does have a different perspective now you still have bits of that still kind of kicking around that's the thing with racism like yeah you might be 70 and not racist but you're probably a little

bit racist just by virtue of the fact that for 40 years that was the norm so i just think that yeah like we've just heard a lot of messaging around what masculinity is and a lot of even recently remember that movie with chris rock where the guy liked his finger in the butt and it was like the punchline of the movie oh god there's still remnants of that in our culture and so give yourself some grace if it's still a little bit inside of you it takes a while to like let that wash away yeah and yeah i it i think until you're surrounded by hearing the opposite narrative it just becomes something that like you are the outlier when you only hear of like oh wow like that's so gross that's so that and if you're not thinking that you're not necessarily

hearing that it's not so then if you think the other way you're like oh i'm wrong no one's talking about it this way you have to like actively seek out that stuff speaking of finger in the butt stuff um we were talking i was like with a bunch of my friends once and we were uh i'm not gonna give too much context we don't really give away exactly who it is i don't have that many friends um and one of like some of the guys were like joking and making fun of um like that it was the same thing like punch and like finger in the butt and then our friend who is by standard definition like the most like quote unquote masculine like he's a guy's guy he's the guy that all of the guys have crushed like me like i want to be his friend so bad he is so cool he literally walks i was like

a very deep husky voice he goes no if you never had a finger in your butt you're not a real fucking man and all the other guys were like oh i have to go get a finger in my butt oh i have to go get a finger in my butt i told this story to someone but i couldn't remember who told it to me and yeah yeah and it was just so funny to see these guys have another guy who they look up to say like yeah no that's fine and they were like oh i'm gonna do that now i'm gonna do that now i'm gonna do that now i was like oh so you like you didn't have these like oh that's disgusting feelings really like you were just saying that and then someone said something different that you're like oh no i'm gonna listen to him and you're like oh cool you know what's so fascinating

about that story is i'm sure every person who's listening had a different picture of like what this hyper masculine guy looked like i think that's really cool yeah because it's like it's just like a what the fuck is masculinity like what does that even mean so changing and also the fact that it's like it's tied so much with like like cisgendered men being masculine too and it's like yeah i just i had a whole like i'm masculine as fuck i was like yeah i'm so masculine i like feel that like i i when bde became a thing like big dick energy the immediate first person i thought of who had bde i was me and melissa and i was like oh we don't oh okay was this supposed to be for men like this was supposed to be for people with penises because i was like oh bde oh

yeah it's fucking us yeah i was like oh pete davidson for sure sorry not the first person i thought of like you know it's like yeah it's just a it's an odd thing but um that's it for our episode we have to have you back on this was so fantastic please plug everything your book your youtube all of your shit i'm just plugging my book i have a book out it's called the game of desire it's about approaching connection with a strategy i when i when i heard you talk about on kenneth and kayla's podcast also when you said you had like i brought that shit oh my god oh my god i mean you said you're you you have like hours of quizzes on your web i'm i am literally that is all i'm doing tonight i love quizzes i love quizzes so much my favorite attachment theory

quiz is linked on there so i'd actually be curious to know okay oh my god i'm so excited this is my plan for tonight quizzes while monts has fantasy football draft that's it for our episode guys um if you want to call and be on upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com check us our check us check out our goddamn website uh don't blame me dot show to find out all the places to listen and we're on youtube watch us spotify apple podcast all of that shit stitcher all that good shit and um is anything oh our instagram don't block me pod check it and uh we'll see you guys next time goodbye

don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network