Don't Blame Me! - S4E17: Guest: Aislinn Paul - Best Friend Hooked Up with Ex-Best Friend

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

Aislinn is here once again to share advice! We’re answering your questions on how to repair a friendship, getting over the fact that all your boyfriend’s friends are all girls, if you should tell your current hook up that you slept with his friend, and gauging if your boyfriend is serious about moving in together. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her advice on how to tell your boss you’re moving on.  Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @aislinnpaul www.instagram.com/aislinnpaul   @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by Sophia Bush’s podcast Work in Progress and Pill Club Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me and today our guest has never been here before this is her first time with bangs how long did you prep that uh i thought about it a little bit a little bit just prepped a little bit they're real cute they're aren't they yeah i noticed them earlier but then i was like did she have them before and then so i just didn't say anything they've been on instagram okay and i think i also told you that she got bangs and showed a picture because i was like look how cute the bangs are i just am super jealous of anyone who can have bangs well my hair was straight i wore bangs a lot see i when i wore my hair curly like when i didn't heat style it and it was just

natural texture and like curly i would i had bangs but i did the i just drained the banks so i left the curly hair that's very straight bangs 2009 yeah yeah that was very much i had like the deep side bang that just was like the swoop so okay you're just calling out my like season 11 degrassi well we've been over the fact that apparently yeah that was based on me which is not a compliment i've also found out which is super nice it's cool whatever i glowed up um okay guys this is advice no well that she was a character you didn't write fan you you were cringing at the shit your character had to do whereas i was just living that shit by choice got it like she wrote fanfic and i was like i can't believe i have to

do this storyline and there i was being like oh my god i'm so jealous you made my next chapter of you put her fan pick like i was a fucking loser and you had to wear fake glasses and there i was like you like my transition lenses fucking kill me okay well apparently like transition lenses are cool in the visco girl days which is like fucked up because i've i'm attacked because it could just have i could have been cool back in the day it's like now cool to be like poor and like environmentally conscious and like scrunchies it's fine it's fine well guys it's an advice podcast um so don't blame me uh if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 oh you got so fast at that yeah i really needed to breathe i know i

saw that i was like slow down girls are we in a rush uh and if you're an international listener you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com and if you want to buy my presets megan likes presets okay should we play the first call i'm megan melissa and guest i hope that you can give me some advice on a situation I'm going through. In January, I took my fiance, best friend and my parents to Mozambique for my 21st birthday because I wanted to be surrounded by all my favorite people on my special day. At the start of the holiday, everything was going well. Then my friends started acting a little bit weird and was complaining about my fiance and was annoyed when I didn't want to go bar hopping with her. I don't really drink at all because I have really bad

anxiety and I don't like not being in control of myself and alcohol makes you lose control of yourself. So I started spending more time with her to make sure she was okay and happy but it meant I wasn't able to really enjoy my time with my fiance and my parents. This made me really stressed out and I had an anxiety attack and I wanted to then cut the trip short but my mom and fiance they were really helpful and they comforted me. So it's a 20-hour road trip on the way back and she wouldn't talk to me at all. So afterwards, when we got back home,

I tried to text her to like see her before she went back to uni because she goes to uni on the opposite side of the country and we've been best friends since we were five. I've known her my entire life. It's really been weird three years not seeing her every day because I was so used to it. and now that this is happening like I kind of feel really awkward about it so a couple months past I've tried texting her like she didn't respond then came our holidays and she usually

tells me when she's coming home and she didn't this time so I saw her at a food market and the next day I then messaged her and was like hey can we chat so when I saw her I told her how I felt about everything at first she was really really defensive about it and kind of mad at me but then a couple days later she messaged me and was like I'm really sorry I'll try be better and I'm sorry that I made you feel that way it's been about two months now since that chat we had and I haven't messaged her because now I don't know what to do I feel really strange like am I supposed to message her am i supposed to tell her again how i feel i don't know what to do can you guys please help me i really appreciate it i appreciate the fact that she edited this so that it would be in the right

time frame i was very much like wow this sounds like an instagram story we're watching i wish we could go back in time and you could have not invited them all to your birthday so badly yeah i just just her well no but i think i think like i think like it's a i totally understand why you wanted them all there it's just a difficult group of people to have it's difficult to have your relationship your parents and then a friend like it's just a very it's just an odd dynamic that someone's always gonna end up feeling left out and i don't want you to like take the responsibility that that was like your fault but i think you've said your piece in like how you felt to your friend she was defensive and then she apologized and i think she feels stupid like i

think she feels like immature and kind of dumb and i think you have the power and you had the upper hand and like you came at her first and in most situations i think when your feelings are hurt uh you it's fair to expect other people to then like you're like oh i'm not gonna put the effort and I need them to like come to me but in this sense I think like yeah I I think like I think you should reach out to her because I think she might feel like a little like embarrassed or dumb yeah I think I think you are very good at picking questions because this feels very cherry-picked for me because I've been in a situation very similar to this I've been on a trip like that and it's really it's really difficult because there are a lot of dynamics

at play and also when it's couples and someone who's single uh it does sort of change things a little bit and there's obviously she's also at a different place in her life than maybe she was when you guys were friends when you were younger if she's been at uni and has been drinking a lot and going out with other single friends that she's made at school and you guys have never really been ones to drink together but she wants to do that with you and wants to go out with you um and not realizing necessarily that that's not fun for you like it just sort of feels like there's just maybe some growing pains in your friendship that she's going through some things that are different from what you're going through and you're just at different places in your lives um but yeah i

think with a friendship that long there's just so much at play there's a lot riding on it and also i guess in some ways we expect friendships to stay very stable for years and that's really not the case like you can have a lot of different variations of the same friendship sometimes you're spending a lot of time together sometimes you don't see each other for a long time sometimes you guys have different priorities so i think it's i think it's okay that you guys aren't as close right now and things are a little bit there's more tension i don't think that that necessarily spells the end for you guys as friends um it's just important that you're both that you're thinking about keeping yourself comfortable and safe and not getting hurt and for her sake

and then also considering her feelings too that like there was probably a part of her that felt left out and felt like she wanted to spend time with you on that trip and I think it's just important that if you can establish now like reaching out to her an amount that feels comfortable for you and you feel like you can have sort of a routine of staying in touch and if she will participate in that then that's great and I think this can just sort of be like a growing experience for you both but if she continues to sort of belittle you or like be take it so personally um anytime you sort of critique things or say like yeah i'd rather we like talked at a different time or i'd rather we did this if she isn't willing to participate in

that and and work through this with you then i think it's fair to move on then i think you have a friendship that sort of run its course but yeah at this point i think you're just going through a period of growth and change and i think you guys can still figure out how to keep that friendship alive yeah because i think you're right i think you're both pretty different right now and it's not about one of you meeting the other where the other one is it's about you guys finding a thing a place in the middle because i think also her suggesting wanting to go bar hopping she probably doesn't want to just like stay in the place you're staying with your parents and you and your fiance like she's fifth wheeling and so for her it's like oh we can go to a bar and like it might not

necessarily like in her mind like maybe it's like yeah it'd be fun to start drinking but her it's also like can it be more people like i can talk to a guy like it can be something like this but as opposed to like no i'd rather just stay here obviously like not saying go back in time but i mean like in in the future if it's something so her suggesting something that like you really don't want to do and like as someone who doesn't drink like i totally understand that but there's a way of being like oh i mean like i'm down to go out but like i don't really want like am i good are you good if i don't drink and she can be like yeah for sure or if it's like hey how about instead like why don't we go to dinner and we like go see like a comedy show like why don't we go do

something like this and making the effort to like spend time with focus on your relationship with her specifically as opposed to like oh these are like like when and I think this is difficult in general when like your long distance friends and when you that friend comes and I've had this with people where like someone comes to visit you or used to come visit someone and like you have your own life there and then you just are so excited to bring them into your life but that's those things and the people and the places and all that stuff that like might mean so much to you that don't necessarily mean as much to her so i think it's about fostering an independent friendship that's not like oh here's my boyfriend and here's the stuff that like we like to do together and

the stuff that i want to do it's like oh let's figure out what like how we can specifically do something but i would just say like send her a text message say that like you miss talking to her she knows how you feel I don't think you need to restate it I think like she probably feels embarrassed I say like I would I would be the one to reach out like schedule a Skype date to like hang out and talk like just like eat dinner together over like FaceTime or whatever and then gauge from there to see like oh are we in the same place that are we both wanting to put as much effort and energy into this friendship or is it not but I think like moving on from like what happened at your birthday and like trying to start anew i think is the way that you're gonna like see

if you both are as invested in meeting each other in the middle because i think that's what you need to do but also if you don't want to meet her in the middle that's okay too but it's just not you can't ask her to meet you where you are if you're not willing to kind of like sacrifice some things and she should be willing to too and if you're not it's okay to grow apart and it's also okay to like grow apart for like you said like a time period of time because this is a different time in your lives you clearly have very different priorities both of you at the moment and like I think I've had that with a lot of friends as well when they've gone away to school they've been very engrossed in their studies and then we maybe don't talk as much and then like they'll

move back to the city or they'll get a job and like things can change and a friendship can sort of have those stages and that's okay too as long as you don't let any painful feelings sort of like fester and turn into a resentment that you haven't aired with her that then like could come out years later you just have to keep thinking of it as a positive friendship that's almost just like you know on pause for a minute while she's doing stuff or if you guys can keep up with like skype dates weekly like that would be really great too and it's just about where you're both at as long as you don't turn it into like a negative thing and like think of any time that she's unavailable or doesn't want to speak as like a negative for your friendship yeah yeah it's yeah friendships

are hard once you get older too because yeah it's just it's not it's not the same and this period in your life too it's just like that's a huge period of change like early 20s when yeah if you're engaged she's in school like if she's not dating anyone like you guys are just yeah she can't you she can be your best friend and your friend you've had the longest but it doesn't have to be the friend that you there are certain things that you'll relate to more with other people and like activities and all of that sort of stuff and so just making sure that you're neither of you are setting up the other one for failure like if she wants you to be her going out drinking friend then you're gonna fail yeah because that's not what you're into because

that's yeah setting up standards that you you want her to be like your home body we all just hang out watch a movie with me and my boyfriend kind of friend like that's kind of like a dog like or someone else who like get find find a friend who's in a relationship who's friends with your fiance like have it be something like that because then she's gonna fail in that aspect too so it's uh expecting obviously you expect things out of your friends but making sure that like it's a fair thing that you can each live up to in that sense so yeah best of luck also um invite me to your birthday in mosaic yeah sounds great yeah we'll be there next year i'm bringing but that'll be good because you don't like going out yeah it's true yeah like i'm down just don't

like canoodle in front of me i'll make fun of you okay on to the next hey megan so i'm 18 years old and i've been dating this guy for like eight months and everything is cool but so summer he's been working as a lifeguard at this summer camp and he's like one of the only guys it's like him one other guy and then all the rest are like girls there's like five or six other girls and they're all friends which is fine you know they work together but they have like well they have like a group chat that they all talk in

all the time and again which is fine and it just kind of makes me a little bit uncomfortable though because a few of the girls had already admitted to him that they used to have crushes on him and they all

knew each other when they were younger and they always talk about all their memories and how he used to say that he was going to marry one of the other girls and they talk about it all the time and they talk about how they used to like him all the time and it all just kind of makes me a little bit uncomfortable and just recently he told me that he had been talking to a couple of the girls about um like our relationship and like our fights and stuff I guess and I was like why are you talking to these other girls about our relationship like that just really made me extremely comfortable

like I kind of thought it was just common sense that you don't like confide in the people of the opposite gender to like give you advice about your relationship like I don't know if I'm just being crazy or what and they also are gonna have like a movie night and it's him all these girls and one other guy and I was like it's just gonna be all these girls and he invited me to go with i'm going but i'm just it's just all makes me feel uncomfortable am i being unreasonable like like am i wrong for being upset that he's talking to them about our relationship and am i wrong for being uncomfortable about all of their talks about their feelings and stuff i don't know just let me know am i being stupid am i alone in this would you be mad too thanks bye

well first of all i'm always mad like i'm i if you ever want to be like am i allowed to be mad i'll tell you like yeah yeah i'll be mad too first of all these girls this is so lame like they are that is so embarrassing for them like yeah i i know like and i you have every right to feel annoyed and i would too and like i'm annoyed with your boyfriend which i think also you're also annoyed with your boyfriend in this aspect but i just want you to know in general like these girls to be like oh my god i always have like a crush on you like i always thought you're gonna like end up together that is like weenie shit like shut the fuck up like you're friends with him now like you like are coming across like such a fucking weenie like

it's just like that's not hot like that's not like oh like you know like i always thought you were like so sexy like on a group chat i had a really big crush on you in kindergarten and married beth like ew so weird it's just so fucking weird um and i think that's boosting his ego and i think like that's why he's like dealing with it i i think that talking about your fights and that stuff is also not okay i will crossing a line correct in this and not correct you but i will say in a sense i don't think it the gender aspect doesn't matter it's the nature of their friendship the fact that it's so flirtatious and it's so like exclusive they're hanging out as a group without you yeah it's not that it's not like

your mutual mutual female friend who is in a relationship and is not in has not expressed prior interest in your boyfriend and he's getting like advice from them yeah he's going to complain no yeah yeah um that's just i yeah it's it's crossing the line but it's also i i'll give him the benefit of the doubt that it's maybe not intentional he's not intentionally trying to go to someone who's going to hurt you but i think there's a validation factor i think like he feels validated getting to talk to someone who like has a crush on him or like thinks he's great and this is really i hate this i really hate this for you because in some ways yeah there's a lot of this that is just a level of paranoia and being nervous and liking him a lot and being nervous about him

spending time with other women but then there is also a part of it that's crossing a line and you have every right to be frustrated and bothered by yeah but it can be really hard to bring that kind of a situation up because it's so easy to get gaslit in a situation like that because there's so much of it that is totally fine and platonic and you can tell them i called into a podcast and they said that i have everything to feel this way yeah you can tell them that like two 25 year old women said no and don't tell them i'm mad all the time yeah but i i want to know if you read his texts you left that out i want to know if you've read through the group chat that's why you know these things so that's what i'm curious about um because your men are dumb um and yeah i mean it's

the only one who saw me do that i'm glad you saw that um men are dumb and should i do it again now third time's a charm um it is on camera i know i know but i wanted everyone to get the joke so i'm good um but uh if he had something i gotta go there you go wow yeah if he had something to hide um they're not that smart to hide something in plain sight so i think like if if these messages like you can feel uncomfortable about this stuff but the fact that these girls are saying that they used to have crushes on him and all of that stuff if it makes you feel any better i don't think if he was cheating on you there wouldn't be those messages like they wouldn't say that kind of stuff necessarily because like like it like you wouldn't know unless again you've looked

through his phone and this is not stuff that like if this is stuff that's come up um i think okay let me get practical with you i think you're going to this movie night you are going to look so hot i don't know how tall you are but and i don't know how short these other people are and no offense to some of the short people in the room most of the people in this room are short you're going to do an almost exclusively short group not we're good

I would say as a tall girl then I go in and I'm not not that we dress for men or we dress for women I'm telling you to dress to intimidate like I'm saying like look great and like look awesome and just feel like a fucking badass like i've done this before where i'm like oh you're not gonna fuck with me and i've literally worn thigh high stilettos like like just over the knee boots just being like i'm gonna stomp on you bitches and even if it's

like they're not being like oh she looks so good i'm like i am charlize theron like i am like going to crush you and i think you need to go in with that kind of confidence uh to the situation and i'm not saying confront any of them or anything like that but that's i think you need to do some intel and assess that kind of thing and see oh is their in-person relationship incredibly flirty do you feel do you feel uncomfortable with how your boyfriend responds in real time like do you see this do you think that like he's adjusting these different things is he say is he being the same way he's been in these text messages is it adding up or is it oh wow is he like kind of backtracking and trying to make it like make it seem a little bit different i think you can tell

from there and then i think i think you have a better like to stand on when talking to him about it after you've met them and interacted with them because i think like that will prevent you from being gaslit in the a small amount because then you also if you did read the sex messages you don't have to admit that you read the text you know or you can yeah yeah this is this is a tough spot to navigate because again you also don't want to call into question the relationship that you have with your boyfriend and the trust that you guys have built um but if you don't trust him yeah that's the bigger issue really is like if the trust is in question but like something that i can really relate to is like sometimes it's not really about you trusting him

it's about you trusting these other girls because they're clearly the ones trying to say stuff and be flirtatious and yeah it's his responsibility to a group of girls who have expressed interest in him that he's not going to tell them when you guys are having issues because that's giving them an entryway into your relationship and that's not that's really really not okay and that becomes a level of like well how can i trust i don't trust these girls because they're clearly expressing interest and as opposed to you shutting them down politely you're letting them and i i also think there's an issue with like not shutting someone down when some or even when someone says something negative about you like and if your partner doesn't shut

that down passive about that you're letting you're letting that behavior happen and then you're you're continuing to let that behavior happen and then you're gonna basically like talk about the fight that you had and you're going to people who are going to tell you that you're right and that's the biggest issue and like i we've all done that when you're like fighting with someone and you're like oh like i like i know there are certain friends that if i want to go to them like jerry i love jerry so much jerry will i am never wrong in jerry's eyes she's like no no i don't even need to know what they did like they're fucking bitches like it's all you you got that car on fire damn straight the other times i've gone to you and you're like okay i hear you but

i don't necessarily think that you're totally right like i think they're a part and like that's the thing that like he can't go for advice or to vent about a relationship to some like you said that it's so incredibly one-sided because he's not actually he's just like it's a cathartic i just want to vent it out kind of thing and be validated and go to these people who have yeah been giving me lots of compliments and making me feel great about myself and like i think that's a clear conversation that you can have with him that's a statement that you can make and no one will call you crazy for that just say like i don't feel comfortable you talking about our issues with these girls i think it's healthy for you to talk to a friend and like be like but just not with

them yeah that makes your position much more difficult because if you have to sort of keep these cards close to the vest and not okay admit that you've read these text messages um yeah if you okay i i would say i would wait till you're in person and you after not in person with them but like after you've done this movie night and hung out with all that stuff i think like i think you are going to be able to not show your hand all the way yeah and like if you have that in-person interaction you'll have like a leg to stand on wow i'm just like teaching you how to be psychotic um and then from there you can say like oh this like from how you felt in person and then if it doesn't clear up you can use that as oh it made me freak out and then i read your text

messages and then that can be the in there that is you want to be crazy i'm just saying that works no that works but also in general like not even about like specific steps of how to bring this up just in general I think to be in a position where you are asking yourself if you seem crazy for feeling these things I think you need to cut yourself so much more slack I feel like that's my catchphrase every time I come on this podcast cut yourself some slack but just be aware that if you're feeling this way there is something that is up to make you feel that way and society has told us that we all have to be cool and chill and relaxed and everything's fine and if we're too demanding or controlling as girlfriends like we are menaces who guys like get together with

their bros and talk about how horrible we are and that's just not a good mentality to have that like you have a fear of seeming not chill but if there's something that is bothering you and enough that you're calling into a podcast for advice about it and you're still wondering am i crazy you're not crazy like there's clearly something going on that is enough to make you feel uneasy and you have to acknowledge that feeling and let yourself feel that and also not talk down to yourself for feeling that way like it's that feeling doesn't come out of it you can't make it that feeling up it's there it's not and something happened to make you feel that way and sure like some of it might be caused by something that is relatively harmless like it

might just be a question of you not getting to participate in this social group that is very that your boyfriend clearly values and really likes being part of like this fun little club and they've got their own inside jokes and that can just you can feel left out from that and it can be technically harmless in a lot of ways and still make you feel like not so great but there also could be some aspects of this that are like that are crossing a line and we've acknowledged that like there's definitely some lines being crossed here and i think you have to give yourself a bit more respect like respect your feelings a little bit more you don't feel good about this and that's your right yeah hey Megan so here's my situation so um I had like this really close

best friend and he was my only friend for like a really long time and we were like super super close and then a while like after we got really close I got a boyfriend and he clearly got like so jealous and made a big scene about it and pretty much like broke my trust because he just like fucked it up really and um obviously like I just kind of like rocked him like ghosted him I guess and it was really bad and there's like a history of him doing similar things to other people and stuff and then um recently another friend of mine started seeing him even though she even though she knew like it hurt me and stuff and she knew the whole situation and she eventually told me to like broke it off but the other day she said she had to tell me something

and she was saying like you know he got like really drunk and he called her up and they pretty much like fucked really and then she like did all this like all knowing that you know she knew it would hurt me and stuff but like I don't know I feel like I feel like it was wrong even though like I told her like you know you got you do what you gotta do like I can't control you anything but you know she's my best friend i've known her for like freaking years and stuff and i don't want to like lose her and stuff but like i don't know what the fuck to do or like how to handle the situation so please help thanks bye what the fuck i'm a little bit confused so we're saying it's her longtime friend both her best friends ended up fucking each other yeah her female and

male best friends but also she and the male best friend had a falling out because he clearly had feelings for her when she started dating someone else yeah okay but then that other guy that she's dating that didn't he didn't come back up in that story they're just they're happy and stable they have no issues and then you're you ghosted your ex-best friend and now you're upset because your new now best friend or maybe she's always maybe she was second and then she was oh my god she became your stassi she's your stassi oh my god yeah okay so jordan fucked stassi and you're mad so the command center is command so the command center okay to be super frank with you i don't know why you're upset or uh i don't want to say that

you're not really allowed to be upset i think like i wish i had clarity on what he did to your friendship that you were like i had to be done and end it um because yeah without that i have i don't know what to tell you in that sense because like if he treated you like shit and said like you're a vile disgusting person i hope you get like hit by a bus like okay then you don't want your friend sleeping with yeah and then you're like he's a shit guy but like i don't know if it was just kind of a normal like oh wow i had feelings for you you led me on kind of thing like i thought we were into each other and like he said some shit that was clearly emotionally fueled by that then like him moving on should be a good thing but i don't know why you harbored

these negative feelings to him because i don't know what he did you know what i mean yeah yeah i i don't know there's probably a lot of things going on in your mind i don't know if maybe you're worried that your best friend is going to get hurt if this guy still has feelings for you and you think like he's trying to get with her to get back at you but at the end of the day that that's not your problem yeah that's not your problem you just have to let them do what they're gonna do i feel bad for this tough love but like yeah we as if there's no if there was no incident that was like quite yeah rude and like a reason to not want your friends to be involved with him then maybe you have to look at your own feelings and figure out why you're so bothered

because maybe you like the fact that he was so into you and maybe it's the fact that he's moving on and it's not okay in your mind um also if you knew if he did something shitty and your other friend knew and still chose to go out with him that's okay like that's fine like she's allowed to do she can make her own choices whatever she wants because here's the thing like again we still don't know what caused your friendship to break down other than if it was a reveal of these feelings and that's why you guys aren't hanging out as much but to be honest i've been in a situation like this where i had a friend who i didn't know they had feelings for me and then i found out and then they started dating someone else and i was fucking relieved like i was so

excited because i was like great cool we can be friends again because this is like you clearly have moved on and your feelings aren't there for me anymore and like we can just be normal again so if you're not feeling that way maybe there's some maybe there are some feelings you have maybe yeah but then on the other side if it is the fact that he's just yeah maybe terrible and has been a shit guy uh then it's not your problem if your friend wants to date them and like yeah you just have to be there for your friend yeah and also and i the reason why i think this is more of like a jealous thing is because like the fact that like she slept with him and you told her like well it's fine like do what you gotta do like first of all if someone's like being like hey i think

we're gonna hook up and you really don't want them to you say that you don't say do what you gotta do because horny me is like oh yeah fuck so i have your blessing for sure like i'm not like if you really like i can't even tell you the amount of times sydney did not want me to hook out with my ex she would see us from a cross room at a party fucking sprint and throw her body between us get in the fucking car like you can go insane to be like no do not make this fucking mistake don't do something like this but like if your friend is calling you and asking essentially like is this okay if it's not her responsibility I'm a big I'm a big believer and like I'm gonna take people at face value like if you tell me you're fine or you tell me this is how you feel

it's not my responsibility to coddle you and be like well no tell me how you really feel like if that's how you if that's what you're comfortable talking to me as then I'm gonna take I'm gonna take that it's not my job to pull that stuff out of you and also i have to say you do what you gotta do it's a little passive aggressive oh yeah but it's a it's a grasp aggressive it's just kind of aggressive so i feel like if you if hearing us talk to you like this is like a good splash of cold water in the face and you realize like oh shit yeah like i've i haven't been reacting the way i should be i think it would be good to maybe just reach out to her again and just be like hey by the way i really do mean it everything's cool like how was it i don't really know how old you

guys are or like how like sexually experienced you guys are either if this is like common for her to like hook up with a lot of people but also maybe this is like she wants your friendship and support and someone to talk to in these moments too if she's got feelings for this guy if it's like a big deal i think it would be maybe good to just sort of reassess where you're at because obviously if this is causing you pain and not something you want to revisit then definitely don't put yourself in that situation but if you're realizing through listening to this that maybe you overreacted or have been not analyzing your feelings correctly i think you should and how does your boyfriend feel about how pissed you are right it's even still there

like it seems like he just disappeared i'm curious how he feels about that too because like you can feel to take the words that so iconic you can feel some type of way about like your ex dating someone but that's kind of like a like a little quiet fuming thing you have and you're like I'm not gonna tell anyone because I have I'm I can't feel this like this is so dumb or someone that you break up with like when you're like oh you have a new girlfriend you're like I have no right to be upset but I'm still like that's something that's something that you can like feel like that little like twinge of like whatever feeling that is like jealousy or like as someone who like loves attention when someone else like when they turn their attention I'm like what do

you mean like you're gonna move on from me like i didn't pick you but like that's actually what i was just about to say too is that even maybe you didn't have feelings for him but you're kind of jealous because you no longer have his attention yeah that i will also give you complete right to feel inside inside you're allowed to deep inside you're allowed to feel that acknowledge that it's cool we all really like attention and then you have to like but you have to deal with your feelings on the outside a little bit better and like treat your friends well and if you've got this other relationship going on like yeah focus on that like who your friend ends up dating and like if you don't like like that and and maybe if it was something that like when he went off on you

about this was the fact that like you felt betrayed because like you had thought you had built a friendship and he was really just into you and now he's moving on you're like but I thought you were so into me and like that kind of a thing I think you can have all of that those sort of feelings and stuff but like it doesn't get you anywhere to focus on other people's relationships even if you had prior history with him and if you can't get over that then you do need to just like take yourself out of the situation from your female friend which is fine and just be like hey i don't know why i'm like reacting this kind of way and i don't like i listened to this podcast they were incredibly beautiful and enlightening and like so pretty

um and i don't like my reaction and i don't necessarily feel like it's warranted and there's because at a certain point like what is she supposed to do like what there is no solution here because it also doesn't necessarily affect you in that way so it's like pulling yourself away from the situation and be like i need to like sort my own shit before i like well before you put yourself in a place that you could yeah potentially end up losing her as a friend because you have these like emotions and anger and feelings and then yeah have have a have a bigger conversation with like her about it if you want to understand like if you don't feel understood it or heard but i think like you also need to hear her too yeah i'd love to know what all happens

yeah so curious very very curious and would love to know like what the drama was slide into our dms and also call us at the update hell yeah and our dms made the podcast dms someone dm the podcast and just said help me how do i stop being such a hoe i missed that one i screenshot it and i was like i mean why do we need to help you i feel like you're doing what sounds like you're living life right yeah you go do what you need to do right oh that's great maybe a really good instagram account too okay well you know who you are except some of you are like i've done that too okay it's time for a break everybody and we will be right back hi we're back from our break and we're gonna hop into the rest of the calls

hi megan mall and guests i'm well my name is kristin i'm 21 and i need your fucking help so i recently started seeing this guy by saying i mean like hooking up um going on dates with this guy from my friend group from high school um the thing is that he doesn't know that i've actually had sex with another one of our close friends within the friend group as in both well one of our best friends um he kind of goes further back with this friend i think he's known him since kindergarten i've actually just met him my senior in high school um the thing is is that the situation kind of happened not out of romantic inclination but my friend and i were both in position where we hadn't really had sex in a while and we just figured we didn't want our first

times in a long time to be with someone that we didn't necessarily care about or didn't care much for us so we just thought it would work out but obviously it didn't and now I find myself in the situation where I'm seeing this other guy and things are getting a little more serious than anticipated so I feel like this is something that I should probably bring up except my none of our friends know and my friend actually has a girlfriend and i don't want to negatively impact that relationship in any way namely because that's a stupid and b like not my place but i'm just trying to be cognizant of the fact that if the guy that i'm seeing does have a negative reaction that could negatively impact not only our friend group but also that relationship

so i don't know please help me out your girl needs help just grill me please all right thank you so much love the podcast bye i don't have permission to grill i'm not gonna grill you no what are you talking about you're living your best life yeah you're doing the great thing you're doing the damn thing oh fuck that bad fucking bachelor ruined that phrase for me um you don't have to tell him like your sexual history is not your like it's not it's not he's not i don't want to say he's not allowed to have a negative reaction but like yeah if they were that close then he either knows yeah or he doesn't they're not close enough for him to know yeah and like what's in the past is in the past like you both have passed like there are other women that he's

slept with that you might know like yeah you don't have to tell him at all i think if and to be honest i think of anything of you telling him i would then think like if i were him i'd be like oh do still have a thing for him like why would you yeah why are you bringing it up and making it sound like it was a big deal when it clearly wasn't it was just like yeah two friends so yeah i don't and also i think like there's just like something like if you all went to high school together i'm gonna assume y'all fucked like if i entered like there if i'm in any of my high school friends like oh yeah i'm sure y'all yeah like i like there's just kind of like a if you did you did like it's not it it should be a non-issue i think if he asks you be truthful and don't lie

about it like if you're like point blank he's like hey by the way did you guys ever hook up and you can be like oh yeah like like one time or a couple times yeah but like it's not something that like withholding that information is not a lie because it has nothing to do with your relationship at all like it predates your whole relationship what if they get married and then he's a groomsman what movie was that just in i didn't watch the whole movie it was on uh i think i think brad pitt was in it i'm not just watching it and he was like i slept with your wife and it was like i don't remember um good good story megan um i mean i'm just tell the truth i mean i but also by then i'd also hope and assume that it would mean even less like i think now it only

means more because they haven't been seeing each other seeing each other as you guys said you're not even really dating yet you're just sleeping together yeah like i think at this point it does mean a little it would mean more to him to find that information out because he feels less secure with you and like it's new and it's more recent if you guys like had a longer term relationship and were more committed and spent more time together got married if in some crazy future version of this i think it would matter even less at that point that would be even less of a big deal and i think it's not something that i think you have to worry about too much but i also understand like there being that kind of like wanting to be you don't want to be upfront and

honest not wanting to hide anything but also maybe there's also like a societal pressure too like you're worried about looking like i don't know like a slut in his eyes yeah and like him thinking that like changing his opinion of you because you've slept with his friend and that like would make him think that you're more into like casual sex god forbid and i don't know i think if your friends i think you would know that already yeah hopefully like you've slept with two of your friends i think they like they know yeah if he's someone who's gonna judge you for that and like you guys are already having a casual relationship right now and he's gonna judge you for having been casual with another one of his friends then uh he might be an asshole and you

shouldn't date yeah no 100 i mean i think like i have a past and like i've definitely like slept with people um around the time that like we started dating like before we were official and like we've talked about it before where it was one of those things that like one finally like oh yeah like you guys like hooked up right and i was like yeah he's like okay and i was like how does that make you feel this was like months into dating he's like i mean like i assumed like and he's like and yeah we weren't inclusive he's like it's not like i it's but it's not something i felt the need that i was like oh i need to tell this person because like it's no one's business if you want to ask if someone wants to ask you about that or like and i've done it before i'm

like and they'll be like yeah or no but like i think you have every right to ask but like bringing it up only makes it seem more important than it is and then like once exactly and i think it's the same thing like if i saw someone that like i he had slept with her ever and he's like oh yeah we did i was like oh okay i'm not as secure of being like hey by the way we're gonna to go somewhere and there's going to be a girl i slept with and it's going to be like oh yeah what did it mean how important is she holy fucking shit i'm just looking at the girl with like the glowing golden vagina and being like you know what i mean like it doesn't need to be if you make it not a big deal and you pretend it's because it's not a big deal if you treat it

like not a big deal just like yeah then he's if he's has like an adverse reaction he's gonna look stupid because like he doesn't yeah he's got a double standard clearly 100 yeah that's yeah i think i don't think it is on you to bring it up i do think yeah if it came up in conversation being truthful would be the best option but i think don't worry about it being too big of a deal especially because if you guys are getting more serious but still are not even exclusive yeah you could be sleeping with somebody else right now and it wouldn't be and that'd be fine he wouldn't be allowed to be mad about it so stand by your decisions too don't apologize and be like oh i'm sorry i was drunk like it was dumb it was stupid like don't excuse it that way either just you're

like allowed to fuck whoever the fuck you want to fuck and and no apologies and it's not apologizing to like the guy that you're with now and being like oh i'm sorry like it didn't mean like who cares like everyone has a past but yeah you don't have to tell them tell the truth ish is our new slogan hi megan um just a little backstory so i'm 26 years old and my boyfriend is 29 years old and he's been dating for three years. I'm currently in my last year of grad school. I'm getting my doctorate in physical therapy and he's been employed and has a pretty stable job. So in the last couple of months, he's been talking about moving in, which I've been really excited about because it would be really convenient for both of us since he works across the bridge and he

wouldn't have to commute and I wouldn't have to rush doing all of my schoolwork just to prioritize time with him because it is difficult to have quality time with him as obviously the workload with being in grad school is really demanding but he's been putting off the conversation and he's like randomly talking about buying furniture and getting a puppy which doesn't really make any sense to me if we don't live together because I don't really need any more furniture here and I wouldn't want to raise a puppy on my own um so any advice on that would be really grateful and I don't know if this would help but I'm I come from like a really liberal family and his family's very conservative and Catholic and he is the youngest brother so there's that and I'm assuming

that moving out is like a really big deal for him but for me it's just like a natural thing for our relationship to grow like it just seems like it should be like the normal course of events especially being together for three years and we've been seriously committed so I don't know I don't really know where to go from here I don't really want to give him an ultimatum because I ultimately can't force him to do anything because that wouldn't be right either but i don't really see myself just picking up and leaving him because obviously there's like three years of emotional baggage there okay thanks bye i'm confused yeah so do you do you want him to move in and that and he's not bringing it up because i think the furniture and the puppy is hi i want

to move in with you yeah but also it definitely changes things because in my head i was picturing that he has his he's living in an apartment and you're living in an apartment but then you said something about him moving out so is he still living at home because that changes things a lot too i can see why there would be he would feel more guilty about his conservative upbringing and having like conservative parents because i'm sure then he's gonna want to propose to you before you move in together yeah um yeah i'm can i need to know because so it's basically that he's not he hasn't brought up the moving talk anymore and now he's only bringing up the puppy and the furniture the fun stuff but that's also i think that's yeah i to me that's the same

thing like yeah i think it's it's maybe he i don't know what you're and i don't want to like say that you did anything wrong but i don't know what your reaction was when was moving in together maybe you're oh i don't know i'm just insane i'm spitballing maybe like you said with us that you were like oh i'm into that idea that would be so convenient for all of this stuff that maybe he wanted it to be like well i want us to like want to like i want it to be like a fun next step sort of thing and so maybe his now way of bringing it up is the more exciting fun stuff it's like we could have new furniture and like we get a puppy and like he's maybe trying to romance like bring the romance and like that exciting like next relationship step back into it and not have it

be about convenience because in my mind those are all the same thing like that's not him backtracking But then there's also, from a bleaker, more cynical perspective, there's also the possibility of someone who likes to talk about the fun stuff but isn't so much a planner and isn't making those commitments and those plans but is happy to talk about funny, silly, hypothetical but never would take action. but at the same time you guys have been dating for three years that's a pretty significant commitment that he's made to you already um i would find it surprising if this was like a step he felt he could never take and also if he was to my parents basement yeah i don't know like i think it just sounds like you need so much more information or actually maybe we need more information and you just know more stuff than you're telling us but like i think if you just try to have a low pressure conversation with him um and something that can sometimes be very helpful

that uh i like to do if like i feel like i'm not i'm having a hard time talking to someone about something or i'm not sure where it's going i like to sort of throw in some multiple choice answers so if i'm like hey like are you bothered by like moving in like is it a financial thing are you worried about your parents like yeah give them options what's the deal like what's happening and keep it very very casual yeah just make sure like if it doesn't seem like this hey can we talk later and like the lights are all off and you're like sitting at the table by yourself waiting for him to come home like don't hitting a cat yeah if it's not like scary and daunting and it just is like a conversation of two people who have known each other for like and loved each other for three

years like you should be able to have open conversations about this kind of stuff and if it's if this is something you can't talk about that also is not yeah good if it's scary to bring things up that's i i as someone who's also three years into a relationship like there is no point in a relationship in which you're too far gone that like if something happens or it's not going where you see that it's like oh well this is my I've made my bed now I need to lie in it like no if you're three years in and you can't come to an agreement with this and you don't want to give them an ultimatum but you do want to move in together and it's not happening it's not three wasted years like that's three incredible like educational years and like you can look back on

the relationship with fondness but like you're never too far in deep to be like oh I can't get out now like i just have to settle and deal with the shit that i i don't want to deal with like yeah you're young this people get remarried in their 50s like this is not like you're never you're you never just have to like deal with shit that you don't want to point um what i would say i think you're i think i think everything you're saying is right what i would do first as i would because some people in relationships some people usually in relationships you only get one planner sometimes if you're sydney you're both fucking planners but in moths and i are going on our first trip to europe our first vacation ever four years into our relationship i'm more of a planner

when it comes to certain things like i'm more of like a let's get this done and then he's more of like oh day to day let's figure this kind of stuff out so maybe it comes to the point of being like i don't know if it was you're gonna move in so let's say he doesn't live with his parents maybe he does he let's say you would move into his apartment or he would move into your apartment let's say for the sake of the argument and what i think you should do regardless if you've had that talk is say hey i set up a couple of apartment showings that we can both go look at together let's go do this and if he's like oh i don't think i can you can go on your own send pictures and be like what do we think like okay like you take the initiative because it might

just be that he's not a planner and also if he lives at home he might not have any fucking idea how to do it yeah where to begin but i think if it's like you wanted him to move in with you i think that's a valid and fair thing that you can want but it's also a little bit harder to get somebody to just like move into your space yeah it doesn't feel like a joint thing and you're like we already have all of this furniture like then for him he feels like he's it's not your place together then it just feels like it's just your place um and there are some things that like i think it's it shouldn't just be about convenience it can be convenient but you shouldn't just want with your partner because it's convenient like there should be some like compromise and things

there and there are things that you're looking forward to and you're excited about but if he feels like he's just walking into your life that you've already established rent yeah that's not that doesn't feel super awesome so i would say plan a couple of apartment showings get him to come if he doesn't come and then if he doesn't take any initiative from there or he like kind of shuts down everything then i say give him ask him about it and then give him like multiple ways like do is it like a financial thing like is it like do you feel like you are afraid of like you're if someone people might like look on this and think that like we're living with each other like out of wedlock like yeah is there something religious thing is it the fact that it's my space

or and like all my stuff would you rather like move somewhere else and like yeah just have a conversation where if it's hard for him to be forthcoming because that's also something that can come from growing up in a conservative family is there's a lot you just don't learn how to talk about so if you can give him a few jumping off points basically that might just help him so that he can be like oh yeah that one or it'll help him think of something that he hadn't even that hadn't even occurred to him yeah because yeah i also don't think you need to give an ultimatum but i think like yeah i think you just you do need to have this conversation though because i think this is going to sound very harsh i don't mean it to be harsh but in the nicest way

if you are three years into a relationship and this is something that you need outside help from a podcast with i think like that says it has to be a conversation you guys have i don't think it can be something you just sort of leave and wait for him to eventually bring it up i think it has to be you yeah yeah because ultimatums ultimatums come after multiple multiple conversations like an ultimatum is not the first thing like it's something that like this is something we've been dealing with for years and it's not getting better and it's not being fixed and we've tried all these other things and like me or this sort of thing but it's not it's not like the first the first thing and then yeah sometimes it sucks that like if you're gonna have to be more of

the instigator with something like this if you yeah if maybe if he was even the one who originally brought up moving in together and then he's not taking like the reins and you're kind of like well what the fuck like yeah sometimes like it does suck that there are certain things that like other people just aren't more inclined to do but it doesn't necessarily denote how much they care or want to do something like that it's just like not their instinct um and he might be reading yeah your convenience thing as like oh she doesn't really like want to move in i want to wait until she wants to move in not just for convenience so have a conversation um and yeah let us know how it goes yeah it's time for don't blame them yeah this is where um you guys call in with your

own advice i love this part what do we have so i'm excited because this is the first time where we get to have a call back from when it was you were on the last time no way yeah i'm so excited yeah so that's something i'm gonna try to start doing when we have repeat guests hi megan i was calling back um i had some advice for the listener in episode 26 talking about um kind of her relationship with her boss and wanting to move on to other things um i feel like i'm in a very similar situation at the moment um i've worked at um my current place for about three years and i've kind of been my boss's go-to there are other people who do my job but I'm kind of her go-to and covering shifts and she trusts me to know everything and be the

helper in that and I kind of had a similar situation with her when I wanted to get a second job this summer to make more money for college and I found personally I think that if you have that friendly relationship with your employer having that open line of communication and not being like hey I'm leaving tomorrow I'm moving but you know I kind of was talking to her throughout the school year and ahead of time being like hey just so you know this summer I'm thinking about getting another job I don't know anything for sure but I'm thinking that's something I'm going to do and just giving her the heads up of like this is something I'm considering this is something that's important to me and that I'm looking forward to and I really respect your opinion

in on that but I just want to let you know what's going on so I really think that kind of keeping an open line of communication ahead of time and not sharing everything that you're planning in your future or things like that but just kind of going to her and sharing that you have this vision for your life and that you're ready to move on and that you've really appreciated that and this is something you're thinking about and kind of keeping her in the loop with that so that you guys can maintain that relationship that you've built um but still that you can move on and do what you want to do and keep um yeah do what makes you happy um thanks so much love the podcast bye solid advice fucking smart very smart people love being in the loop i love being in the loop i just

love a constant update so i had to find my friends for kyle even though he lives in new york yeah i also i think like it's i think we worry as young people entering the workforce of like letting people down but i think it's so so so common for people like who are young and like newly entering the workforce to have to move around and do and change jobs a lot and um i think that's just really normal and i think yeah you just have to not worry about people taking it personally and just yeah be as considerate as you can without jeopardizing your job or your future um yeah and just but don't be worried and go after your dreams follow your dream unless you want to be an actor which i don't recommend following those dreams it's not that fun um yeah i think that was

great i don't have anything else to add for that one yeah okay well that's it this one flew by yeah because we talked so much um well uh acelyn plug yourself oh yeah um hello i've been here for an hour yeah i'm not like i can plug your shit um yeah uh you can find me on the internet uh at acelyn paul for pretty much all of my social media handles um i don't post that frequently but enjoy my content but they're cute pictures they are thank you like they look thought out they are like great pictures i do try thanks they're very nice and uh if you notice a lot of her selfies are taken here yes the majority of my selfies are taken at megan's house she has great light here and also you know it's good company i always know when you disappeared from

it i'm like oh she's taking a selfie by the window i always know uh oh okay um well uh if you guys want to or maybe you don't want to maybe you just really need to call us for an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com i didn't mess it up this time uh and um yeah guys follow our instagram don't blah meme pod follow melissa on instagram um get my presets uh megan rings megan rings.co slash presets hell yeah make your instagram feed pop in um yeah and uh yeah we'll see you guys next week bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts

camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod Network.