Don't Blame Me! - S4E19: Guest: Lisa Schwartz - Hooked Up with NFL Player

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

Lisa Schwartz is here once again to share her advice! We’re answering your questions on what to do if your fiance’s work wife isn’t happy you’re engaged, keeping the spark alive in a former long distance relationship, handling your boyfriend’s ex who’s now hooking up with his brother, and how to initiate sex if you and your partner are betas in the bedroom. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her advice on being harassed at work.  Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @lisaschwartz www.instagram.com/lisaschwartz/  @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by Scam Goddess Podcast, Hello Fresh, Betterhelp, and Third Love Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today we have third third time guest oh yes lisa schwartz and guess what what i didn't pick any sad questions i was gonna ask you it's not a sad none we're gonna find we're gonna find sadness we're gonna dissect all are you i know you asked about like your crush but like are you sad yeah like what's going on deep down deep down let's unpack that yeah really the last few times have been very dark yeah so i just feel like no i just didn't want to give that to you this time thank you last time we'd like tried not to do it but we still did how did you last time it was like my employer has stuck his hand down my pants it was like so like yeah well i mean but we're here celebrating because your book

just came out it did so fucking exciting you're so nice to post oh on social hell yeah i'm so proud of you for writing yours thank you it's such an impressive feat um so guys get her book get her book get the book or i'm gonna give you bad advice and what's it called 30 life crisis it's a great name thank you it's very good and the cover's really cute too thank you like it's all it's all very good and i know how hard it is to like make every aspect something that you like too to be good yeah I like actually like it yeah which you know like on YouTube sometimes you're like I don't like this but I need to put this up anyway a book is so hard to do with that though you're like what do you mean I have to like I'm not good at um what is it called when like writing

when you like crush your kill your darlings and like screenwriting I'm not good at killing my darlings like if it's my darling like I'm the kind of person where it's like no no I will go to battle I'm like don't get tired I will go to battle for everything that I want like it's not like oh okay well i'll let this slide so i can go like no hell no everything that i want in life i'm gonna fight for it and then three months later i'll be like oh i guess i didn't really care yeah i'm just like i have yeah i'm a control freak me too do it the way you want yeah that's that's that's what i've been doing that's where it's got me my book is coming out in a very long time it's fine it's cool it's happening um okay uh i have to intro the episode i mean the podcast

this for sure we're doing a podcast podcast guys uh it's don't blame me if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can leave us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com and now enough rambling we can get into the advice hey megan um just wanted i guess just like a second opinion on what i'm thinking right now um so my family members we like my aunt um and then my family family there's a guy that we know and he's a couple years older than me and like I don't know for the past like five years they've been like trying to get me to like talk to him and I think even like his mom is trying to tell my aunt to like hook us up but like last summer we just like decided to like

hang out a couple of times, and he's an NFL, so, like, he wasn't where we live, so when we, when he would come to where I live, like, we would hang out, and then we finally hooked up, and it was just, like, I guess casual at that point, and then maybe, like, a month later, he texted me to, like, do it again, and I actually was, like, tired, so I did it um and then a few weeks later his girlfriend who actually happens to be someone that I grew up with um but I haven't talked to in years her name is very similar to mine which is even like more funny but she messaged me I was like hey I don't like this girl to girl stuff but um I found out about you and the guy so I just wanted to know like what happened and I kind of just told her

Like, we were casually looking up. Like, it wasn't anything serious. If I had known that he had a girlfriend, like, it would not have happened. And then, like, it was kind of done. Like, the girl still likes my pictures, but he actually blocked me. But I know that, like, I know his brother, and his brother was like, no, he, like, still talks about you. And, like, I don't really like him. But, like, and he doesn't date the girl anymore.

would it would it be bad if i like reached out to up again or should i just like call it a loss and just not try to reconnect because it's not like i like him and i don't want to date him but like he's single i'm single yeah thanks but i do appreciate in this call that the girlfriend didn't get mad at her yeah and their friends they like each other's posts on instagram it's really nice and very mature um first of all i like i i just i don't obviously i don't love the cheating in this story but i love how you told this story this is like you seemed so bored by your own life in a way that this is clearly like this is like some juicy shit but like it was just also like what town like these families and friends are so close gotta be in the south

it has to be god like they're very incestuous yeah and like how good of a team does he play for like how good is he does he actually play i just think like i understand like a convenience dick but like this i wouldn't call this necessarily a convenience day like it's like well i've been around we've already hooked up like i don't have to put the effort and work in but like he's already proven to like bring some like unnecessary drama into your life like maybe that's not who you go back to but at the same time i won't lie i probably would i'd probably just be like yeah but he unfollowed her on instagram it's like one thing to have oh yeah how are you gonna reach out like if he unfollows you like i think we're done yeah yeah not just unfollowed he blocked her well that

also damn then i think he's also that sounds to me like cover up and his girlfriend from his girlfriend and then preventative for the other girl as he's fucking in that way so i think like i don't think you're going to be immune from the situation that just happened and like being the other woman like doesn't feel great and also like i'm sure doesn't feel like you don't necessarily like that you don't want to put another girl through that and i think like this will probably happen again with him and if you don't like him like yeah if you were too tired to do it the second time yeah that's not and the second time you're doing pretty good like that's not a time like i get like the 50th time or if you're like i'm not in the mood i ate too much but like me

literally me all the time i'm like i'm full mom's looking at me all the time he's like i'm full please move we like make an effort to do it before we go out to dinner because we're like you know what we're gonna be full and drunk and we're gonna want to come home and not do that 100 if it's nighttime if we've eaten popcorn i'm like no there's no way this is happening no way he'll be like we'll be like don't touch me i'm gonna fart it's like okay for sure uh also but she said like should i take this as a loss and i'm like no girl take it as a win moving on empower yourself yeah i think this is like this is like a i don't know notch in your belt confidence kind of thing and also like you were able to walk away from a situation that uh usually would probably

end up in like a girl on girl drama and like you got to interact with like a wonderful girl's girl feminist and like you guys got to both be like okay wow this guy's kind of like men ain't shit sort of a thing and i think like leave on a high note like you know like why not like you don't want to get into it like another he like starts dating another girl and that girl finds out and like slashes your tires like you came out like on top yeah why risk that stay there yeah stay there stay on top not sexually with him too tired to get on top we've talked about this we've talked about this so much where it's just like the effort that it takes i just can't and also i and when you're talking about this i hate when guys are like come on like you be on top front

so my guys being on top versus girls being on top is very different first of all my tits are everywhere and this is pulling me down and hitting me up and i have small boobs and i'm feeling that and then also like my inner thighs are hurting like i'm getting cramps whereas guys i'm like i just have to stand there be like do you know what i mean like also like double chin from like yeah like the angle like i can only imagine what it looks like yeah it's not good it's not good at all just go out to dinner instead yeah just this is what you have to look forward to in a long-term relationship yeah you just say don't touch me i'm gonna fart mons woke me up the other night i was like so i wasn't even like embarrassed but i was like so annoyed with him that this was something

he woke me up to tell me like you farted on me i was like i'm sleeping he's like i know while you were sleeping you farted on me i was like tell me in the morning like you have to wake me up and you're not mad you just think it's funny i was like do you have any fucking fart on me in your sleep i don't wake you up you've heard it i was so annoyed i kind of love that he does it all the time he goes remember that time you farted on me while you're sleeping i was like no because i was asleep so fucking numb it's funny but i fart when we're not when we're awake too i was like why is this so funny like i will fart like openly sitting right next to you while we're awake but if i'm asleep he thinks it's so much funnier do you know some people don't fart in front of

their significant other i have ibs i would die i would die i would fucking i would explode like like i would explode i don't i don't get how you do that or like yeah it's but like and then people like keep some of the mystery i'm like i'm sorry are you dating men who also aren't farting in front of you because even if i like like like i've never dated a guy who was like oh i don't i'm not gonna fart in front of you i want to save some of that mystery so i'm like so i was just supposed to save the mystery i was gonna smell your and listen to your fucking farts right you weren't gonna right like no fucking tit for tat dude if i'm gonna do this let it rip yeah i think that's just so weird i think it's weird too it's human nature it is like i won't fart on like i don't

know like in like a meeting but like oh no of course i'll fart on a plane like i don't give a shit everyone but you know i mean i have to go flying with you everyone farts on a plane though like how about at the gym dude someone ripped one the other day and i think that's rude as ball but you can't at that point you can't stop thrusters and it just came out okay sometimes have you ever done like a low like a hip thruster you can fucking queef yeah like you can't get we were talking in my pilates class this week our instructor was like saying she's like okay now really really really want you to like feel that in your body you might feel like you have to queef if you do it's fine but that's how you know where you're at that's where i need your body to

feel i appreciate that there's like three guys in my class being like i don't know what that means for me how do i know that i'm gonna feel like i'm gonna queef you're not you're not you won't feel that you don't have a hole in your body that's just like air and out i love a front fart yeah it's a good time uh should we go on to the next you guys i really feel at home here thank you hi megan and guest um i'm calling in not because i need advice so much but because i'd really like an opinion on something that i've kind of been dealing with lately um it's not a huge deal but it's something that's kind of been at the back of my mind and bothering me so i just want to see how other people might feel about it if they were in my situation um I have been dating my fiance for

four years we are very happy together we're set to being married very soon um but my problem isn't with him it's with one of his co-workers so he's been working at the same hospital as a nurse for about three years and during this time he's been working with another person on his floor who calls herself his work wife um this doesn't bother me that much because I know it's kind of a thing to have you know friends at work and like jokingly call each other work husband work wife but what does bother me is that she buys him a lot of stuff like she brings him lunch all the time she will bring him souvenirs from her vacation but I should mention that none of this has really of bothered me that much because she's about 55 and my fiance is 25 the same age as me so he always

jokes you know that she's kind of like this older woman who just likes to have fun with him and like makes the nights more enjoyable because he works night shifts but what bothered me is that she did not react super well when he told her that he had proposed to me that we were getting married Apparently she was kind of like missy about it and didn't act super supportive. And ever since then, whenever I go up to visit my fiance while he's at work, she'll kind of touch him a lot, like rub his back or flip his name page around or I don't know. She just is very sweaty with him for a 55-year-old woman. And I think it's weird.

So I've mentioned it to my fiance that it kind of bothers me and that I think if the roles were reversed and there was a 55 year old guy hitting on me at my job and like acting weird and calling himself my work husband it would really bother him so why shouldn't this kind of bother me even if i know nothing would come of it so he acts like it's no big deal but i'm kind of wondering do other people think this is weird and like he should not really let her act like this around him i just wanted to get a clear opinion thanks love the show bye this is so fucking weird oh but she's so cool like she sounds like mature and like very like level-headed about it and i love the double standard call out yeah and i'm also like a believer in the sense of like

i don't think uh like i think if like someone's behavior is like makes you uncomfortable if it's like okay this is what this is gonna sound like catty or like whatever but if like a girl is uh like flirting with the guy that you're dating i hate the idea that like the only time that like you really like you have a like to stand on is if you think she's pretty like if she's not if you're like oh if she's not cute like oh then who really cares like i hate that like it's the actions like i don't give a shit if it's like whether or not like like quote unquote like oh i feel like threatened in like a appearance way like if you're like like emotionally or just like behavior like that's so much more so I think like even for him I think if this was like I think that's kind of

what he's trying for you it's like okay she's like like a 55 year old woman but like if her even if it wasn't the gender's reverse if the ages were reversed like if she was younger and like then that would be but like the idea that's all this conditions that like you shouldn't that it's like a like whatever like I don't think he has to feel uncomfortable if he doesn't feel uncomfortable I think you've ever right feel uncomfortable it's fucking weird it's weird it doesn't sound like the fiance's like trying to stand up for this 55 yeah like he seems like he understands that it's weird but what do you do that's their job like yeah like also do you if you trust your fiance it's like i don't know i know i mean my my fucking manipulative brain

goes to you have to put her in a situation where she's gonna like it is going to be like coming i'm like very clear that like it is like a crossing the line and like a oh no like your girlfriend like she's like a i make old people talk she's not even that old but i make it she's a hussy like well like says something in a way that he's like oh okay weird like crossing that line like my mind is like you got to get her into that situation so then he has a reason to call her out because he needs to see what she's seeing and i think it takes guys so much longer to see that kind of stuff or it's the same thing if you've like been dating someone and you know one of their like female friends is into them and they're like no she's not i'm like no she fully

fucking is like i can tell and it's like no no and then like months later it's like oh wow you're right i guess she was i'm like okay come on here you go but i just think this like this is just uh i don't know what do you do this is so awkward and they're like nurses like they're like doing good work like what do you oh yeah i forgot the part that they're nurses and they're working the night shift yeah hmm do you think she's gonna like just like get naked on one of the free beds one night oh i hope so come hither and he's gonna be like wait so question but also how do you know all of this like i see that like i get the part when you're knowing she's gone up to the yeah but so the souvenirs and all of that it seems like he's telling you which is great that's yeah that's

that's a good thing to know he's probably like yeah i don't know mildred's bringing me lunch today or something yeah i want to just way too old for 55 um deborah judy judy and deborah perfect i want to know though how do you know that she was not happy that you guys are engaged and it sounded again like he like he did yeah because then that's a point of like then he is recognizing that like this is a little off and odd um in which case I think like I think if he I think if he can recognize that in like some capacity I think it just needs to be like knowing that this makes you feel uncomfortable and like not that necessarily like you obviously can't control what happens when you're not there but like if he knows that this makes you really uncomfortable then like

when you do visit I think he should not let her be really touchy with him and like do what like I think that's like his like responsibility to kind of like take a step back and be like no this makes her feel really uncomfortable I don't feel uncomfortable because I don't like I see you more as like a mom figure or like a like aunt or something like that but like this makes my girlfriend uncomfortable I'm not gonna do like that um but I mean either that or like you fucking confront this 55 year old woman oh god it's tough it is well she didn't really want advice i guess she said yeah it's fucking weird it's weird it's weird and i'm also like i'm not cool with like the work wife work husband like oh my god like we're so cute and like no maybe

a work friend like yeah because i've only ever had like crushes at work and like actual crushes um or like mott's and i called each other work wife and work husband when we were together other and where are we now we're fucking we're we're fucking like come on yeah and then the same time like the other time i'd call like a work husband would be like my friend who's gay like there isn't yeah i just don't really like that mentality i also think it's a really unhealthy mentality to have at a workplace because it just like makes you it tricks you into working going above and beyond like especially like oh we're a family here and all that stuff it's like no no that's manipulative to convince people to like work longer hours and not take vacation because

like we're in this together like high school musical um so yeah i mean as long as the fiance continues to communicate yeah so i yeah but don't invite her to the wedding though fuck don't do she probably hasn't saved the date card yeah she probably does she's probably gonna wear white she's gonna wear white to the wedding oh my god please call back because she's a virgin it's not even gonna be ivory she's gonna like i'm a clean virgin yes are you judy yeah judy or maybe do you know like an older gentleman you could set judy up with yeah at the wedding yeah yeah that's a good call too or maybe just confront her i'm so fucking curious what's gonna happen i genuinely feel like judy's gonna get to a breaking point and she's gonna get naked and pull some moves on

your man yeah i don't think you but i don't i think but in that moment i think your man is gonna realize like oh wow this is my girlfriend my fiance was right all along judy does want a bone yeah judy does that sounds like a book like judy wants to bone it's judy bloom turns 18 and it's only judy wants to bone set in a hospital oh i love it oh my god please call back and let us know yeah please please please do um and shout out to your fiance who's a male nurse i love male nurses so much my godfather was a male nurse and i thought um when i saw my first female nurse when i was a kid i was like what do you mean you're supposed to be all boys Oh, I love that.

Let us know how it goes. Give us updates. And should we go on to the next? Yes. Hey, Megan. I'm 23 years old, and I just need some advice about my current boyfriend. So we have been dating for about a little under four years, and he just got back in May from a year-long deployment.

And right after he got back, I moved city to wherever, to where he lived. And since moving, things have just changed between us. And I, at first, I just chopped it up to adjustment and getting used to being around each other. Because before he deployed, we were also long distance. So, we've been long distance, like, basically our whole relationship, and now we're not. And our biggest issue is I feel like he doesn't ever really want to spend time with me. And we have sex way less than we did before we were in the same city. And I have a very high sex drive, so that just doesn't really work well with me.

I brought it up to him and every time I brought it up to him he kind of just says I'm being dramatic or extra and kind of just dismisses it and I want to bring it up again but I don't really know how to bring it up in a way that will get the point across that I'm somewhat unhappy with the lack of time we're spending together and definitely the lack of sex we are having. so if you could just give me some advice on that that would be great thanks bye uh-oh uh-oh spaghettio i i i it doesn't sound great no it doesn't um he's gaslighting you which like i i am like hesitant to say that and people who are like are in relationships because it usually like the you usually hear the term gaslighting in the sense of like break up with him be fucking done like this guy's scum good people can gaslight you it's not an intentional uh if you like look at the definition of gaslighting it's so much of like redirecting and all of that it's not necessarily always intentional when people are doing it it can

just be like a defense mechanism and it also just happens a lot like it just men happen to do it like quite a lot to women it just has just been like a systematic thing um so that in itself i think you need to address with him like calling you being extra or dramatic like that doesn't solve how you feel it's just pushing off having that conversation yeah and it's not that doesn't if you tell me like i'm being like extra or dramatic or crazy okay that doesn't change what's not what we're talking about this doesn't change what i feel like that's not like a band-aid or a solution of like oh no you're just being like that's his unwillingness to actually like communicate about this situation and it's it's so like this to me sounds like so textbook like

I've never been in a long-distance relationship but like this is exactly what I would assume is like the second that you actually move in together you're not gonna have sex nearly as much because like you're probably were only spending like you had like those small periods of time so you had to get the most out of it because you had an end date of like okay well this until then right and it felt like vacation too every time you get together because one of you was going one of you was technically yeah going on vacation exactly and then the same thing with hanging out it's like you would be spending this time together because you only have x amount of time and so it would be super filled up that way and because of that I think he's probably

gotten really used to his like I don't want to say single guy lifestyle but like not having you or like dating you but also not having you around all the time so he has this routine and he's like this friends all seven even when Mots and I started dating like this was a thing that like we had to establish because I was like all of your friends are single and I get that but like you like if you if you want to have a girlfriend you want to date like we actually have to hate like go out and dates and like hang out in that way but like for him it's like oh well all none of his friends are missing anything because they were all still single and they were all friends and like all of that kind of stuff it's like well there are certain things that like I don't want to

say dating is like a trade-off but like there are certain things that like is though in a way it's time that you're spending with somebody that you have to be comfortable like dealing with the FOMO of your friends to then make time for this other person in your life and if he's not willing it makes sense to me though but how that's not what he's doing now because he hasn't had to do this for four years yeah so I there's still a chance that like this can work they just like really need to communicate the sex thing's hard because I feel like if you have that conversation guys get like super defensive about it like no I'm I've got so much sex drive like my sex drive is like way bigger than your sex drive yeah like I want to like and then and then it gets in your

head yeah and then it becomes like the cycle so that's a little tricky I would start with just communicating about spending more time together yeah and I feel like that sex thing will just kind of come with it yeah and I think if you're comfortable like if if you're used to him coming on to you more and like because you again it was like vacations when you would see each other maybe if you haven't been like coming on to him maybe you try coming maybe it's just the aspect of like he's his sex drive is lower than yours and he's not necessarily like thinking like oh I'm in the mood to instigate it but like maybe if you like make a move and he's like oh I could be yeah I could be down like I'm down and try and do it that way that's also like hard uh if like

you're not feeling desired by your partner because you don't want to then feel like rejected and shut down um but i think like the issue is in the first issue i would address with him is like the gaslighting i sounds bad to say i wouldn't actually even recommend using the term gaslighting no because i think that's it becomes it's like a trigger word it's like a not all not that i'm saying your like boyfriend is like a not all men kind of guy but like it is just a it's like liberal twitter speaking and like even if you're like it feels like an attack um and again it feels like an end stopping point when it doesn't have to be and I think just saying like hey I would really have loved to have a conversation with you about the spending time together and it's been really

frustrating because I've tried to bring this up every time it feels like I'm getting dismissed by being called extra and dramatic and this is how I feel and I really need to we really need to if you really care about me and you want to work on like and you want this to succeed we really need to work on this and when you call me crazy and dramatic I feel like silenced in my feelings and emotions and like I don't feel supported and I need to feel supported in order to like move like with this relationship and then I think like you just have to get super super honest about what you want out of a relationship and if and then I mean it sucks to say that like it might get to a point with him where he was like I'm really happy with how we are now and if you're

not that's also very okay to walk away because the fact that you've done this for four years the reason why your relationship was like this for years is because you were long distance yeah like if that's the kind of style of relationship that he likes and he's fine with like living with you and being in person but that's like the time that he likes spending with you you didn't like lead him on or mislead him right like there's no way you could have thought this is this is how exactly i was going to be when we move in together yeah but i think he needs to like want you to be happy and not just be like well deal this is like yeah and maybe giving him almost not like an out but like being like this is what i want just like you were saying presented very not accusatory just

like very like diplomatic it's a business don't you feel like our relationship's like a hundred percent it's like a business partnership so you really do need to like take your ego out of it for a second and be like this is what i want just want to check in now that we've moved in we've made this decision if you're not feeling that just be up front with me now knowing that he might say yeah this is not what i want but it's better to do it now and find out than to just keep trying to make it work without really giving him a chance to say what he really actually wants and i like have no people who've been in very like these situations where they've done long distance then move to where their partner is and then been like oh this doesn't work this way

and then broken up and sometimes they've stayed in that city sometimes they've moved like it's been but and we've i've said this for another podcast there's no amount of time you invest in a relationship or anything like time energy uh finances like money like time you've spent moving money you've spent moving and all that stuff none of it is ever so much that like you just have to deal and sit with this like yeah at any point you don't have kids you're still young like you just like if this isn't working it's you didn't waste these four years it's not like oh well you're put this work in like better keep doing it like if it doesn't work it's it doesn't work and like it'll be totally fine and uh sometimes like that sucks but also at the same time like you don't

want a long-distance relationship forever so um if this doesn't work for you and this is what he wants and you guys just aren't like each other's person um but if he really does want to work at it uh and he can get better from this i also think like i'm always a big proponent of couples therapy i think it's fantastic but i think he does kind of sound like a tougher case yeah to get to to do that but I think if he does have a really hard time like communicating this with you and like you just realize you're not even on different wavelengths like you're just like have you ever had like when you're talking to someone you're like we're not hearing each other like we're just not on like not that we're not on the same page speaking a different language yeah it's like

everything we're saying like we're just going it's going right through each other and that's like a thing if he's if you guys are at that point and you're kind of at a standstill but you both really want to work on the relationship I would I would suggest going to therapy because it does take like you said it like in the same way of like a business transaction it takes your egos out of it and there's like an unbiased person there who's kind of able to like interpret what each of you are saying in a way which can make it a little less like hostile if he's like yeah you know I think it's just seeing if he's like interested and really like diving in and figuring this out and if he wants to work on it yeah then he's into you but if someone doesn't want to work on your

relationship and it's like then at that point it's like fucking shit yeah you sound cool i'm not worried about you no i'm not worried at all but uh wow congrats on you and also masturbate more too it's always the always the big advice always make plans with your friends yeah use like a really loud vibrator next to him while he sleeves you like could have been you yeah could have been you this could have been your dick but it's not now okay guys it's time for a quick break and we'll be right back so me and my current boyfriend have been dating a little over four and a half years um we both still live at home with our parents for financial reasons

um in the last little while one of his ex-girlfriends who he dated around eight years ago, has started to visit and hang out and hook up with his brother. I'm wondering if I'm being overdramatic about this situation. I get extremely pissed about it, but I try to remain classy. Otherwise, I feel like she's just going to be spiteful towards us. He understands why I'm pissed, but also feels like she's not there to see him, so it shouldn't matter. he assured me that he doesn't want anything to do with her but i personally i feel disrespected that him and his family enables her to come there um he does have a past dating several girls and obviously having sex with them um and i lost my virginity to him so it just makes me uncomfortable

just wanting to know what your thoughts and opinions are thanks your accent i know i love it i was really afraid i was gonna be like well here's what i think oh you're so sweet i'll be a classy girl how long have they been together four and a half years he dated her the other girl eight years ago so how old are you guys or were they like 12 but i think she said that he's had a past sleeping with other girls so i'm assuming this is a girl that he slept with um i mean i think like i i think that we all are allowed um you know like sans like racist misogyny homophobia I think we're allowed to feel whatever we feel um and there doesn't always have to be like it doesn't have to be like quote-unquote right and like justified again like quote-unquote

but like you're like there are certain times where like you can get pissed about shit or you're like I don't like that but you're like I mean I like have no leg to stand on but like whatever I still don't like it and like you can feel that and just kind of be like like well there's not really much to do about it and it's just not necessarily squashing those feelings but like talking to like that negative part of your brain of being like okay for sure i have i don't like her because of this and this and this but okay i don't like her because she's slept with my boyfriend before and i don't like this but okay here's the evidence that i have that she's not sleeping with him now a she's sleeping with his brother and if she's sleeping with his brother he's probably also not

that cool with it and like that feels probably a little bit worse and gross to him and so i think that's a good point thinks probably less of her than you do and uh then on top of that like okay and she's sleeping with his brother and he says that he doesn't have feelings for anymore and we've been together for four years and like okay cool this makes sense why she's not my favorite person and i feel like weird around her but i have all of this evidence and proof that like that reason why i don't like her which i don't want like it's like that insecure part of you that that's that it's okay like you have all this other proof around you to be like okay well that voice needs to silence for now because like that's wrong like it's not she's not coming for

him or anything like that but you're still allowed to like you don't have to like be friends with her no but it also sounds like she's not going to be around for long no this is just like yeah i think you're right to try to just stay classy and just trust that like that girl's kind of sad really can you imagine like that sweet southern family do you think that mom likes the fact that this girl has hooked up with her both of her sons i promise they're talking shit about her yeah she's gonna be out soon she sounds like a mess just like be the the bigger lady and and you have like seniority here like you have the power and control in the sense that like you are the long term girlfriend just because she was first doesn't mean anything like you it you still have like you

have that power in his family's eyes you have that power like in the relationship like she's the new girl coming around like you don't have to feel threatened by her um if anything she should probably feel more threatened by you and I'm sure she feels probably like fucking weird and uncomfortable that like or she just doesn't feel it sounds like maybe it's true if you're fucking both the brothers yeah she's she there's something going on yeah it's yeah I mean it has to be a small town sort of thing um but yeah i think like i think like i would trust your boyfriend on that but i at the same time um i think like just taking a step out from like if he hadn't had slept with her like would is she doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable

or is it just like the fact that they had a past yeah that's a good point like and if she's not doing anything then and he's not doing anything either to make like yeah it's uncomfortable but like yeah just try not to be around yeah they're which i'm sure he will be like for sure i'm totally down to like not hang around them all the time yeah and it's i mean i i understand it's hard having like being with someone who has i mean you he is the only person you've slept with but him having like a past and things like that but it he's with you for a reason and i don't think and we've said before with like virginity especially like it's it's not the first person you sleep with it's the last person and for you he might be both of those things but like the most important

thing is going to be the fact that like he's the last person that you sleep with not that he was the first guy you ever slept with like that doesn't that doesn't hold that same amount of weight and so i think like it can be hard to like compare but he's all he's with you for a reason like he really likes you and he really cares about you so whoever he slept with before like it's just who gives a shit just happens to be like around which is weird it's him i wouldn't be cool i mean i know i would be like i'd feel weird but i would also yeah you just when you enter in a relationship you're trusting your partner yeah and like things come up and you just have to like breathe and trust and you've committed to doing that so it'll get easier too

and she'll be there for that long either she's gonna be off to the next soon unless they're deeply in love and then she's gonna be your sister-in-law yeah which is weird super fucking weird but better that than just like a point in a way i guess you could you would you would come to terms with it more yeah and also you get really drunk at their wedding like make a speech oh please send us a video also like at that point like how weird would it be for your boyfriend to then be like oh here's my sister-in-law oh yeah we fucked once yeah this is a long time so long ago yeah that's so true yeah i get i don't know they were probably like teenagers and they're adults now i'm just thinking about it in terms with matz's brother and i'm like oh that's weird

do you know what i mean yeah but it would have to be like with his brother and then like that'd be so there's like so many people in this world like do you have to double dip in the same family like you're not in high school anymore that's the thing i'm like i have been in a small town it's true even so though double dip it in the same fam that's just a confidence move on her part like i would not feel confident it's a psychotic but i wouldn't feel confident enough to like oh yeah i like used to sleep with the bro i'm gonna like i'm gonna go do this we're going to the next call i have a relationship issue so my boyfriend and i are living together uh we've been dating for about two and a half years now and our sex life is good but i kind of want to bring it to

great um so here's the thing both my boyfriend and i don't really like to take control in the bedroom. We both kind of like when the other one makes the first move and we both like it when the other one is more of the dominant person in sex. And this has definitely led to problems in the past. We both kind of felt like we're not wanted by the other one or, you know, we'll go for a little bit without having sex because neither of us will initiate it um but then you know when we actually do start having sex is you know mostly like pretty great um I just wanted to get your take on how we can kind of handle this in a fair way and understandably I'm kind of coming from the point of view that you know he's the guy and he should be the one initiating and so

you know if you don't like that then that's kind of like your problem and I know that that's not a fair way to look at it but um I've had other people suggest to me that we should kind of like take turns initiating it and like you know have like a schedule but that just seems super unsexy to me and like not very spontaneous at all which is another thing that I value when it comes to sex so um yeah I think that's that's everything and hope to hear what you guys have to say thanks bye well bring in a third i love it good you just need a coach you just need someone to like give you guys encouragement and go play by play someone just to smack you both yeah on the ass yeah together um i understand uh

like i understand your i understand both of your mindsets like i get like i personally i'm i'm into someone who's like more aggressive and more of like the initiator kind of thing like that's what i'm attracted to um but and my instinct is also like i've predominantly like been with people who like that's like they're they're like they like to be the person who initiates all of the time but like when you get to be in a long-term relationship it's so different it changes so fucking different because you're spending so much more time together and it's something that like you're so much more comfortable around each other it's not that you're just like going out on dates and being like oh it's a Friday night we're gonna have a sleepover and like we're definitely gonna hook up it's like

oh no we live together like did you just eat a big meal like are you like it becomes a little bit more about logistics and I think like I don't think there's anything not sexy about scheduling but I think there's a way um if there's a way for you to find a like figure out what it is that you find um like the most like sexy and a turn on and not what you think is a guy's job because I think like if you're attracted to the fact that you're like oh no I like it when you like toss me around like I really like like that's sexy to me versus like well I'm not gonna make the first move because I think that that's your job as a guy. That's not necessarily something that is like a turn on for you. It's just kind of like a like a like a society habit sort of a thing.

And then at the same time for him, what is a turn on? And there I think between if you can if you can break down that conversation, like maybe he's super into like dirty talk where you're kind of like taking control more that way. And maybe for you, you're like, OK, yeah, I can do that i'd prefer if like physically you were taking a little bit more control here in that way so so you're not saying like it's not really about like who actually initiates it it's about like fulfilling what that person like really wants because i think like that's really what it's about what turns you on i think like if if the reason why you don't want to initiate it is because you just think that he should that's not a turn on for you and if he's really turned on by

you initiating it I think like then try initiating a couple times and I think like when you see his response and you guys get that feedback you're gonna be more into things it's like I didn't come out of the womb being like I love giving blowjobs but I'm great at them and I love giving them most of the time Matz doesn't listen to this because he'd be like hey uh you listen to the podcast can I have one right now um but like it's because of like the response and the feedback that you get from the other person and so I think like you guys need to break it down to what you're super attracted to and what is those turn-ons and then even if there are certain things that like okay if you're both turned on by the same thing and like you kind of want the other person to do it

I think you're gonna find that if you do kind of switch off taking turns you're also going to be turned on by their response to doing that and I think that's going to be like stimulating in itself um but i mean you someone's gotta start initiating it otherwise like all of that's null because you're not gonna have sex yeah and i do think it's important to note like you're saying like it does it is difficult generally speaking when you're in a long um term relationship so you're not alone there i think it's like very easy to be like oh something's wrong with us but if you speak to any of your friends that are in these relationships for the most part it's a you know it's definitely becomes less active than it was at the beginning oh my god my friends when they

just start dating people i get so self-conscious about our sex life because i'm like oh my god you guys are fucking like six times a day i'm like babe we have to fuck more i know mom thanks for telling me he's a good friend i didn't want to fuck you up thank you um but yeah and it does it just changes and i think like especially if like the beginning of your relationship it wasn't like that it it doesn't mean that something's broken or something's wrong no that's just life but maybe your friends are right that like if it really comes down to who initiates like that's the thing then you do just have to switch off you just have to do it and you do it because you love your partner like you were saying and like if they like that that's why

you give those blowjobs exactly and otherwise like if you like die on that like whatever that what is it called you die on i'm grave podium whatever something what the fuck are you talking about like when you're like going to battle for something and you're like i am not i will not move like on this hill yeah if you die on this then you're not having sex like yeah if that that's like you're both crossing your arms and like you yeah then it's like then fine we're never gonna have sex yeah but i do actually think scheduling like sometimes like especially if your part you and your partner like work a lot or like yeah you kind of like you got a schedule man no there are certain times where like Mott's will be so tired and I'm like can we have sex he's like can

we have sex tomorrow and I was like pinky promise he's like for sure and like it'll be something like that and I think also like if you can have it like even if it could be like scheduling in a sexy way like send him a sext while he's at work and be like I want you so bad like I can't wait to like fuck you tonight or something like that then that's exciting it already it isn't like a going from watching a movie but you're initiating that way yeah oh my god i think that's a good call because yes and then by the time that he gets home or you get home whatever you're already in that mindset you're thinking about it and it's not like oh how do i change this like conversation of climate change and us watching the news to like getting down and dirty yeah like it's already

on the forefront yeah and you know what guys like do guys do initiate a lot but they also want to know that especially when they're in a long or not long time since a long-term relationship they want a reminder that they're sexy too so like you do gotta like yeah you do have to initiate and i under i fully i would rather not initiate but there are certain times where i will subtly initiate with monty he was like no i'm gonna need you to like fully come out of here i was like god damn it and like because it's like he's like no it's like this is this is something that i also want you to do like and it's something where it's like okay fuck fine I'll do it it's and it might not necessarily be like you're the most comfortable state for you but it's again I don't think it

needs to be like each and every time you switch off but I think also once you get into the habit of having sex more it's going to be a lot easier to just like because now you're overthinking it and now it's like becoming a chore and then it becomes yeah you're both in your fucking heads and it's just yeah yeah or maybe even like like you wear something like sexy under your clothes and like like having it be without being like just like sticking your hand down his pants like having like these implicate like these things that kind of lead that build up to natural like quote-unquote naturally happen which it's still kind of scheduling like you're like planting the seed of being like oh no i'm scheduling that we're gonna have sex i'm just letting you know

into the plans look what i'm wearing blah blah blah like it kind of makes it a little more super sexy do you want to bond uh and you can also make a fun like a funny joke out of it too you just be like hey you want to like text him while you're sitting next to him like would you like to have sex right now yeah that's initiate i am initiating yeah i think that'll be a good call but uh you guys you'll be fine it'll be it'll be great it's just gonna be a learning curve and it's a fun learning curve but you just get to fuck and be like let's figure this out it's a good one it's a good time or bring in that third yeah it almost fails put me in coach okay who's gonna initiate that the coach

oh my god that's true yeah fucking shit oh yeah that's that's that's a struggle uh okay guys now it's time for don't blame them and this is where you guys listeners call in with your own advice from previous episodes this is actually from the last episode where lisa was on oh my god and you talked about it earlier in the episode from the it's uh advice about someone that was being harassed at work oh okay yeah hi megan i was listening to episode 74 of your podcast and the one before the commercial about the girl who was getting harassed at work by an older co-worker and she was underage i had the same thing happen to me when i was 16 17 it happened for about a year and a half and at first I kept quiet about it and I kept telling myself it would

just go away if I told him to stop and it didn't and I didn't know what to do so eventually I confided into in my um one of my supervisors that I was really good friends with she was way older than me but she cared about me and I knew that she'd be the right person to tell so I told her when we both had a day off and she said let's do something about it so we first went to the assistant manager and the same kind of deal with the girl the my boss my assistant manager didn't really care she said she would do something about it and she just kind of talked about it but nothing really happened and I knew in that moment that I needed to go farther and so because the person I confided in was my supervisor she had contacts with the owner and so I told her I felt

like my assistant manager didn't take me seriously and so I decided to go to the owner and we had a conversation with the owner and she my supervisor sat with me through the whole conversation as well because I didn't want to do it alone but it's the kind of thing you don't want to do with your parents because it's I mean it's awkward and so I decided to do it with an adult I trusted who also knew the situation firsthand and it was easier that way and so I sat down with my owner and we he made me go into very big detail about what happened but I knew he was taking me seriously and I knew that he wasn't just going to brush it off the way my assistant manager would because when it's an owner situation they know that they can get in huge trouble assistant managers like

and bosses I mean they can act and do whatever they think is right but an owner will really take action so I went to the owner and it it worked at first and then it kind of the managers kept just kind of letting it slide and letting us work together and whatever and so I would just keep going to the owner and the owner finally said this is enough we can't let this happen and yeah so I hope that might help her a little bit because I know how incredibly hard it is to talk about and how difficult it is to be in that situation especially when it's your job because you most people need jobs and but I mean if it never gets dealt with properly I would quit and get a new job because it's not something that you should have to go through every day thank you very

much bye hell yeah you did it yeah and you did that so well like yeah and I like I think in theater we always like don't feel uncomfortable telling people but like it totally makes sense to feel uncomfortable with like your parents and the fact that you have like another adult that you trusted to do that with you yeah and you persisted like you just kept going and you had good instincts about like what the person listening if they were taking you seriously or not and like I'm so sorry that you had to go through that but like you sound pretty badass I'm proud of you hell yeah there are some there is like a incredibly amazing thing to be like a young person who can like register that their superior is not doing something else and then being like i'm gonna

go above you and it's like that's like that's an amazing power move that like everyone should do but like having that confidence to do that and uh especially when it comes to something that like feels really gross and terrible like they think that's like amazing and uh kudos to your the owner of where you work for being like great about that but I mean this also just makes me be like I need to like own all of the businesses if someone came to me because someone's actually harassing me and she's like yeah you made me go into detail I was like I don't even know I think I would get in trouble legally for not like hearing the other side I would just be like if someone's like oh yeah this person was kind of like they were mean to you get out and they're like I'm like well

let me say what I said I'm like no no I heard you were mean you're fucking out yeah like I would get in trouble on the opposite end yeah I wonder if the guy got fired we didn't really like hear that but i'm assuming so i'm yeah i'm yeah ray doesn't even the fact that she like stood up for herself yeah took control and found like a partner in crime here to help her out yeah and also it's like i am so also impressed that like i think there's something so fucking dangerous about um women who i mean i says like i think there's something really dangerous about like uh like misogynistic women like it's a that is the scariest breed of human to me i agree like women who are literally anti-rights for women it's crazy and the fact that you you went to

your uh assistant manager who was a woman who was that then at that point like i usually find confidence in other where it's like oh let me find out like when i get shut down by a girl if i'm like oh i have to like like i want to ask a girl to do something it hurts so much more than a guy because i'm like fuck we're on the same team yeah and so then your ability to then move on above her i think is like also fantastic and great because it's so scary when like other women just like don't take those claims seriously so afraid of like losing her job or something which doesn't make it right yeah and also some people just have no personal like experience with it and they need that to believe something's true it's the same thing with like woody like woody allen shit the

amount of actors who come forward like well i've never had personal experience i'm like what or i'll still work with her him yeah but it's the same thing of being like well i've never had personal experience with racism but i still know that is a thing and it's not good like right the idea that you're gonna be or like prostate cancer i don't have a prostate but like i'm sure that cancer sucks like i have like it's just such an odd thing that like you need to have you heard it here megan doesn't have a prostate i don't have a prostate but like you know breaking news i know you're all floored you are so surprised i'm gonna like show up on like two filter yeah shocking no but you're right uh but yeah so kudos great on you and yeah fantastic i'm really really happy

for you and standing up for yourself and now nothing else is probably ever gonna happen at that job too because like your owner has now been informed and is able to be yeah shorter leash which is good yeah okay well guys that's it lisa thank you for being on again oh my what an honor i feel like this was therapeutic through and through truly how i feel all the time we have to have we i keep saying like let's have you back i'm like well we just do keep having you back so like it's not goodbye we'll see you again soon but um please promo your shit and tell people where they can get your book i'm assuming amazon too yeah amazon barnes and noble anywhere books are sold hell yeah and where people follow you on the internet oh lisa schwartz on instagram

that'll do that'll do um if you guys want to be on an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and uh international listeners you can send us an audio file at meganpodcasts at gmail.com follow our us on instagram we're linked we're in the show notes wherever you're if you just like go to the down part wherever yeah place you're listening there's a thing go to the down go to the down people ask like where are the show notes that we always talk about and it's like it's just down yeah it's just down everything's down yeah look down look down uh and then dump on meme pod is us uh our instagram and um oh i love your instagram account by the way thank you so much yeah we're doing it i mean i'm doing the less cute stuff i really like

it good job you should follow them look down look down look down look down uh cool and we'll see you guys next time come on don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network