Don't Blame Me! - S4E21: Guest: Kati Morton - Too Self-Sufficient?

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

Licensed Therapist Kati Morton is here again to share advice. This week we’re answering your questions on what to do if your therapist keeps canceling on you, how to handle your friends making fun of you for dropping out of college, how to become more social, and coming to the realization that your family is toxic. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her own advice having a father in prison.  Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @katimorton1 https://www.instagram.com/katimorton1 @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by Elhurst 1925, Office Ladies Podcast, Betterhelp, and Dipsea  Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today we have a repeat guest and honestly someone that you get requested a lot and people will say in like calls or questions or we'll get dm because you let me know when katie's coming back on so like i can ask a specific question for her i was like you know she has a channel and like instagram and stuff like you can read like because you're not your only contact and way to like greet her um but uh this is katie morton everybody if you're new here thanks for having me please explain what for anyone who's like stumbling or it's not stumbling but if this is the first episode you've heard with katie on please explain like what you do yeah i'm a licensed marriage and family therapist

and i have a mental health educational youtube channel which is the coolest thing i was talking to my boyfriend about you yesterday because he was asking who the guest was and he was like why don't you have her be your new therapist i was like no babe that's not how this works like that's like way too many conflicts of interest but i just think i mean he was saying like that's so cool it's like right like i wish when i was like you know like a kid watching like youtube that it wasn't just i don't know vloggers and like jumping out like throwing watermelons off of like buildings it's like oh look here's someone talking about how to deal with your feelings like that would have been so i might not need so much therapy if i had that channel when i was a kid i always feel

that way too but i mean i grew up on without youtube because i'm older and i always wish that existed when i was younger because it would be helpful to also to meet people like you so you're not like oh that isn't weird yeah or that doesn't mean i'm crazy and that was that's that's probably like the best part that i found when i was like just making videos i was like oh wow okay cool everyone else is like a total freak like me this is really nice yeah i thought it was just me but it's yeah it's like oh no i'm not i'm not special i'm just the name of my book coming out eventually um so yeah guys if you're new here this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast you guys call us you leave voicemails and then we give you advice and if you want to be on an upcoming episode you

can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and that's that's all that's that's all the shit that's all the stuff send it in do it send it in and uh let's get into the questions i literally am calling on a I okay so I am 19 and I go to therapy um it's supposed to be every two weeks um I love my therapist she's absolutely amazing she knows how to help me but um also is like the kind of sarcastic on the whim person which is kind of what I need because it's like comic relief in a session sometimes and so like I've been seeing her for I think yeah it's been like a year and a half I think um and it's definitely helped she's definitely great the thing is um she is either

sick or cancels on me quite frequently like not just on me but like like the whole day and it just so happens that every single time I schedule, um, it's canceled. I just got a call this morning that my appointment, the second time I rescheduled it, um, is now canceled and I had to reschedule. It really sucks. Um, because I don't go that often anyway, because of money and I just, it's not fucking possible. Um, but I, I need to go. And so I scheduled, but it's like another week and a half and you know I need you know to talk to someone but there's also like I can't go to an online source um I either I don't qualify or I'm I just I can't afford it like insurance is fucking horrible um but yeah and the only other option I have is school wise but also

I don't like putting new people into the mix like I don't have I don't want to have to explain my whole fucking story again and you know I have anxiety I have depression and it's like I need that conference because I look forward to therapy I know some people hate it but I look forward to it because it's time where you know I can cry and not be judged and I don't know what to do um If you have any suggestions or opinions or whatever, please, please, please give them to me. I love you and I love your podcast and it definitely helps. I love you. Bye.

This is weird, right? Yeah. I mean, it sucks. I just have to like validate that sucks because you, first of all, she's like me. I love therapy. I love to cry and not be judged and like go and just vent and everything. And it's hard to find someone you always click with. So the fact that she likes her and it's not working sucks.

But the truth is, some therapists just suck at their jobs and aren't committed like they should be. And it sounds like that's the problem. Yeah. Because you can't get any work done if your therapist is a fucking flake. Yeah. You know? And we have to hold up our end of the bargain. I mean, yes, we're human.

Like, I'll never forget I had one patient, like, scream at me. i mean this there was a reason you're seeing me scream at me because i got the stomach flu and had to cancel that day but i was like throwing up i was like i cannot be in the office yeah also not sorry i'm not gonna be able to have therapy that's not gonna be the therapy you want i'm not gonna be vomiting i'll be like that must be tough i'll be back yeah so there are the human there's the human element but i'd find someone else yeah yeah i i think i mean i would i would too i think it sucks because like i don't know i'm i'm one of those people like i hate when things i get most frustrated are when things that happen to me that i didn't have any part in

and that's the part that i think is so fucking frustrating that you like this therapist like you you really want to keep seeing her this isn't any part of like you ending up in this situation like this it's her fault essentially and that's always really really frustrating but i think like i mean i i if i cancel i've got uh terrible cramps endometriosis so i literally like will if i get my period on a friday i or if i get it before but if i get it like i go to therapy on friday i will have to cancel that day if i end up getting it and that's one of those things that like my therapist will then be like okay let's try and do like two sessions like next week then to kind of make up for it so we're not getting into this rhythm of like catch up and like playing

catch up and we're actually like working on stuff versus like oh okay what we haven't seen each other in this x amount of time and because you're already only going like once every like two weeks or three weeks you said two weeks i think that's like hard and i think like as much as you like her like you said i think it's you have to find another therapist and just because you really like her it's she's not your perfect therapist because of this and like you're gonna find someone who's just as great as her but she's gonna be better because she doesn't flake on you and you're gonna like her for all the same reasons and all of that kind of stuff yeah but it's definitely like frustrating um but do you think she should like tell her therapy like or is it

just kind of like she's it's not really a help i mean it depends on what the issue is because i always encourage you talking to your therapist and yeah and having that uncomfortable conversation because it's a good safe place to practice yeah so that in life when people let you down you can confidently be like hey you did that thing and it sucked and that hurt my feelings because that's we should all practice that yeah so i encourage people to do that um but also like as a follow-up to like just the advice component is like take some time to write why you like her so that when you go in to find another person you kind of know what you're looking for versus feeling like oh i'm thrown out into the wilderness again and i don't know um so that makes sure you like you get a good

fit again yeah yeah yeah so find a new therapist yeah and try to talk to her because communication is hard and we should practice yeah i told off my therapist last week so we'll see what my new therapy session is gonna be like i'm probably processing is this gonna work or am i gonna need to find a new one uh i'm sure it will work maybe i don't know if i like her melissa doesn't like her either she's over oh you're over i mean i'm over my own therapist i need to find a new one yeah but not because she's a jerk just because i'm like challenge me more yeah you're you're not doing what i need you to do i said i feel like it'd be hard to be a therapist therapizing another therapy like maybe does she know that you're a therapist yeah okay but i'll say things

like i feel like i i don't know maybe i'm an asshole maybe i save her time sometimes i'll be like so i know that this is a thing because like i'm doing this a lot and it's not getting me where i want it to get me but i don't know why and she'll then she'll go with it yeah but i like homework i like direct like tough love and she used to be that way and she's like softened lately yeah and i'm like i'm gonna give you one more session and then i'm out because it's too expensive no yeah i want homework i don't want a pity party that's what i'm like like it sucks i'm like i know it sucks yeah it's my life let's move past this yeah yeah so what do i do to make it exactly exactly um but yeah best of luck uh we can both find new therapists together uh it's a

it's a tough process and it sucks especially when i and i understand the feeling of like for me i'm like investing in the time of like telling someone your whole backstory or whatever like that is like super super frustrating but i think like i don't i think at some point everybody's gonna have to change therapist whether it's like an unfortunate accident that happens someone moves away like any of that sort of stuff so i think like learning how to kind of do that and like ask and get what you want out of a therapist i think it's like a good like you said a good practice thing to do and if you let your old therapist talk to your new therapist it can save you some time oh wow because they can be like hey so we worked through this shit with our mom like years ago and now

we're moving into like dating i don't know yeah and so it can save you that a little bit oh that's very nice and yeah you should just sign a release okay you shouldn't do it without you signing a release that's illegal oh my gosh confidentiality yeah fuck that not about that not about that at all gotta keep our secrets um so best of luck let us know how it goes and i hope you find a therapist that you really like there's good ones out there yeah should we go on to the next um i'm 21 and i'm currently living with my best friend i also work with her um she has a kind of personality where she will constantly make little digs at me or make me feel silly for some of the things that I say and recently has started making jokes about me dropping out of university after I told her

and like our other friends in a group setting that jokes being made about that really hurt me as it was a decision that I really struggled with and really caused a lot of anxiety for me um yeah so she continued to make these jokes after I made a point of saying that it hurt me I only recently started working with her at a new job that she's had for a couple of years so that could be a contributing factor to this but it started to seem like she's digging at literally every little thing I do and say and she's not like this um with any of our other girls in our group and they've even made a point of saying that um because the way she's been treating me I've been spending less time at home and with the rest of the friendship group because

I always end up feeling like like when I leave I always end up feeling upset and like crap about myself because I've been spending more time at one of my best friend's houses and I have a sexual relationship with him that she doesn't approve of and this makes me worry that I'm also going to become alienated from the rest of the girls just because I'm not putting myself in a situation that makes me anxious. I approached this subject with her and told her how the things that she has been saying have really hurt me and have caused my anxiety to be like extremely heightened and she took this as an opportunity to tell me how I haven't been around enough or I've been snapping at her and how she's waiting for an apology for xyz and you know like I apologized for all the

things I'd done however I didn't for the things that I don't think that I did wrong because I didn't want to come across as fake and I didn't want to apologize for something that I wasn't sorry for like I'm not that type of person um so after that she just kind of told me that she was done and this whole conversation like it did not take place in person I'm away at the moment so I guess what I'm asking is like what should I do like I literally live with her and I work with her and now I have no idea where we stand and I'm kind of freaking out because I'm not currently in town she's going to take this opportunity to turn the rest of the girls against me um and I'm terrified of being alone anyway um thank you so much for hearing me out

and any advice you could give would be amazing thank you oh my god i feel so fucking bad for you and this girl's a bitch this girl's a bitch you're not a friend that was my first thought when she was like she takes these digs at me and i was like first of all she's feeling really bad about herself she's taking out on you that's not a friend yeah she's the epitome of a toxic friend and i've i've had like my fair share of toxic friends that are and like every toxic friend's a little different and that's also like how you get caught up in it multiple times because you're like oh fuck like you snuck up on me and i didn't know this because it was different than the last person but i've been in this exact situation where i've had like a shit friend and confront

them about the things and then it turned into like oh wait i'm i'm having to say sorry yeah um and i also had a friend different toxic friend who cut me off because of a guy that i was dating that she didn't approve of for no reason it was something like you're not my parent you're not anything like that but similar to your saying that like she was like very much done with you it took me I think I cried for like two weeks straight I was like devastated that her and I were no longer friends and then after after that it kind of realized I realized like oh wow these friends that we have that are mutual friends they don't really like her that much like she's not that she might not be doing the exact same thing to them but like they can see what she's doing

to me and they don't like it regardless of like they don't have like loyalties like they're still like people who can make their own like moral and judgment calls and it was became one of those things that like as much as i was like so i understand the feeling of being so afraid of being alone but there's something so much worse than being like there's something so much worse when you're a punching bag or you're letting people treat you like shit as someone who's been that and then also like been alone and had no friends like having no friends it sucks but it is like that does not hurt nearly as much as everything else because it doesn't get into your like psyche in a in a different way and i think like i mean my tangible advice would be

i think spending the most time you can with people and like making new friends and fostering new relationships and treating her and treating like her like a roommate and letting the other friends um i think like being nice to them and like but i i wouldn't stoop to her level and talk about her and if they start talking about that i would like separate yourself i would kind of like i mean i would personally let i would be friendly but kind of let them come to you in a way so you can kind of tell that if if they're like if they actually want to be your friend or if they're also a shit talking kind of person um and then yeah fostering more time spending with like other people and uh i don't know if like it's feasible for you to try and like look for like

a different job but i think like the most healing and best things you can do is get yourself out of the situations in which you're saying that's like making your anxiety really bad and like i also as a college dropout um who got bullied by my roommates so for me that part that like the healing and work didn't end once i dropped out and moved out and like took myself out of the situation because there's still stuff you have to deal with afterwards but there was no way i was going to be able to deal with that when i was in the situation yeah of course not you have to be out of it in order to see clearly and i think i mean there's a couple things it's better to be alone than to be in shitty relationships. It's hard to do it, but just trust us that that's the

truth. And I think this says so much more about her than you. And I would start looking to find a new place to live. And if that means you move in with somebody for just a little bit, like I go back home for like three weeks until I find a new place. Do that because this person's a garbage human and they'll always find themselves in situations like this. I had the same thing happened where one of my what I thought was one of my closest friends was like talking shit behind my back and then I found out about it and confronted her and then I ended up apologizing and I didn't realize it until I got home my husband's like so she didn't even apologize for being such a bitch did she and I was like no yeah and he was like that's fucked up and I was

like that is fucked up and then she wanted me to drive all the way out to see her and blah blah so I go out there and then that I've never like then that's it yeah just cut it off and I was sad at first but then the thing is it leaves room for better friendships people that are actually caring because friendships should build you up it should be a support when you're feeling down you should be able to call a friend and they help you but this friend is actually giving you reasons to need more support which is not the right way yeah and you become in like a highly anxious highly sensitive vortex when you're i don't want to say when you're tolerating that behavior but like when that behavior and someone's treating you like that's constantly happening for me again

once i was like out of this situation i was able to see the friends that i had that were really great people and also i was able to just take myself out of it and then see like oh wow i kind of want to be friends with this person this person seems really nice and like you're not in such like a oh wow is everyone talking about me does everyone hate me like it's a little bit more empowering and i think like i mean even i had like the girl who stopped being friends with me because she didn't like the guy that i liked and all the other stuff uh after those like two weeks she like came back and like was like i want to be friends again like i can forgive you now and i was like i'm not sorry anymore like i know i was like really upset but like i'm fine now and like she

then turned around was like well what do you it was very much like a control manipulation sort of thing and once they realize that they don't have that over you anymore it's like a grieving process and i totally understand the anxiety part of it but like once you get over oh like not like once you get like over the hump of that and you're able to see the bigger picture it's so much like easier and it doesn't i don't know it just doesn't make it get into your head that same way because when someone's talking shit about you all the time it's no wonder like yeah you walk away from the situation feeling shitty and like it affects every other part of your life but i think like i've always said like the biggest acts of like self-love that you can do it's not

like a face mask and like a bubble bath it's like cutting shitty people out of your life and people who treat you terribly like that's the biggest act of self-love you can do it being like you know what fuck this like i'm not doing this anymore like i'm gonna take myself out even if she was one who instigated it if you're the one to like stick by it and be like yeah you know what i'm standing by this you started this and it sounds so childish but like you brought this like ending of our friendship upon us but i'm gonna like choose that as like a blessing and like this is move past this and meet a lot better people yeah and who says that friendships this sounds bad to say this way but who says friendships are lifelong yeah right like no relationship if

it's not working is lifelong people get divorced friendships and families don't talk to each other Just because we had relationships doesn't mean that they go on forever. And I know that that's hard and the grieving process is there. And you'll still feel sad when you think of her and want to call her. There'll be those moments because we've all had that. But the burden of being in that relationship is going to always outweigh that, oh, I would like to tell her this funny thing. She'd like that. So letting yourself out.

And I do like the fact that she was like, I'm not going to apologize for something that I'm not sorry for. Yeah. I'm that same person. That's being authentic. Yeah. I think it's a great thing. And like you said, it's like you once she's out of your life and anyone who's toxic in general and anyone toxic out of your life, it's letting in room and for someone else to come in who's not shitty. And that was something that was when I finally like cut every toxic friend out, whether and like I will be honest, a lot of the toxic friends I had, I was such like I was so like engrossed in it that so many of them ended it for me.

Like it wasn't even me being like, oh, I'm strong and powerful. But again, it would take me a couple of weeks and then I'd be like, you know what? Fuck you. I am strong and powerful. like, I don't want to do this anymore. But then once I didn't have those and the same thing I've talked about with relationships, when I didn't have any of that, when I didn't really have any friends, didn't have anyone that I was dating, suddenly I got really good friends. I got like a nice boyfriend. I got all of these things that I was like, oh, wow. Once I once I take all of

them out, because even if you keep like one toxic friend in, I just think like for me, like it would just skew my like levels of how I would see everybody else. And then everybody else would kind of be on that same level of shittiness well i think it's like what you're allowing it like solely it's like one bad apple kind of thing like it's solely because you're allowing that in so that doesn't mean that those other friends are good either they're just like less shitty than the one shitty friend that's literally i have an entire section of my book about toxic friends and i was like you know it's just like a level of like it started small and i was like well if you're not this mean then like you're not nice but you're not this bad and it was like what holy shit so

many of these as individuals are terrible but it's like but i mean i guess if you don't do this then you're it was just like lesser evils of everything everybody has these it doesn't mean something's wrong with you you're not like more susceptible i had a whole chapter in my book about toxic relationships i wrote it in one day because i was like what stories of my own life do i want to pull i have so many so and also it doesn't make you right and them wrong that's something that like i've been learning in therapy is like it's just a bad recipe yeah like sometimes the manipulation that they try to do to get their own needs met you know put us in a bad position make us feel worse it's like just the spiral of just nasty and so cutting those out is honestly

beneficial for both parties yeah no we say that all the time like you're not doing any shitty person any justice by letting them treat you like shit because it's like they're like yeah well then i can just do this forever and there are people who do that forever and those are called narcissists and so those they'll get they'll just be on their own anyway they're gonna do what they're gonna do you don't have to be part of it no not at all i know that well it's not not a good combo well best of luck um i'm excited for you and finding new really great friends and like a cute apartment and like or living with your living with anybody you know fun stuff and sometimes in these like real shitty times even though in the moment i was having a hard time with it it's the

time i grew the most oh my yeah i'm like oh like i'm so thankful for that so i know that that doesn't help right now but just keep that in mind for perspective that you wouldn't get the good boy friend or good friends or whatever you're looking for the the real life that you deserve if you didn't shed the skins of past selves yeah i don't think you really grow in those very happy easy kind of times we're not challenged no not at all i'm like i think about that i'm like oh i guess all of these like milestones like shit milestones in my life which is also like how i like determine like how long ago things were and i was at the general practitioner and she was like asking me i was like well i had my seizure at this point so that means i would have had my last period then

like that's how i mark everything little poops along this timeline it's like all of this sort of stuff like to that but yeah you don't you don't really uh it's people are like as much as they're fucking you over and like it sucks it's definitely like a little bit of like a well i mean thank you next like you i got i grew up so much or i became so much more mature or whatever it was like yeah it can be um it can spin in a positive way it doesn't mean it's like a positive thing but it does make you grow a lot which is good and learn about yourself yeah so yeah it'll get better yeah it will on to the next hey megan um and now and yes so i am 22 i'm a senior in college um so i just moved into a one-bedroom apartment for like mental health

you know i need to be quiet my life and i was living with five girls last year um my question is kind of regarding so ever since I've lived in this one bedroom I've become more anti-social like I feel safe here it's my safe place so that kind of means I don't go out

a lot or if I do I go to places like right near my house which I purposely got an apartment away from my college campus so I was only surrounded in like the Greek life and stuff so not really a part of it um so I also adopted sorry I dropped my phone I also adopted a dog with an anxiety disorder and

I didn't know that when I adopted him and so it takes him a long time to get used to people and so I've been really picky about who comes and sees the apartment and who comes and meets him because it's like a big deal to me um I don't know if that's just me making excuses and if there's like a way to get past that fear of having people in my house for the first time there's not so much girls but it's definitely boys because it's like a safety

thing I don't know if I'm being melodramatic my parents think I am so just let me know I love you so much you're like a older sister you know giving me advice every time I listen to the podcast so thank

you so much bye me too yeah it's like the age i permanently think i am is 22 maybe 24 for me yeah it was my golden era i'm just kidding really no i just like i'm not any older than that in my brain in my like say i recently talked to one of my friends about it and i was like how old do you think she's like she on my birthday she was like how old are you turning i was like oh 26 and she was like why do i always anytime anyone asks i just tell them you're 22 it was like same i'm so glad we're all on the same page uh but i mean i don't know i mean i think this i'm so glad you're here for this one because my instinct for this call is i don't think any of this is like odd i think like

it's i mean as somebody who lived alone i lived alone i mean what i lived alone from the time but I was like yeah like 19 until 23 ish um and I definitely was it's harder to put yourself out there and like get out there and that kind of stuff and I also moved out onto my own for like mental health kind of reasons and I think like that was also like a big like healing part that it was kind of like representative of how like it was in my life like I didn't want to invite anyone over uh that I didn't really trust also because I don't want to be friends with anybody I didn't really trust I didn't want to let anyone in my life that I didn't really trust and it was kind of like now like yeah now like looking back on it from years later I'm like oh that does make a lot

of sense that it was I kept a lot of things very separate um but I think I mean I think like if you want to put yourself out there you saying all of that I think like it's like a go for it kind of thing but i also i mean yeah my instinct is to be like i i understand not wanting to have like invite random guys over i mean that's one part of it like don't no one should invite random dudes to their apartment yeah or girls don't recommend any rant total anybody i mean you have to get to know people yeah and it's not weird what she's doing it but we don't want to get stuck in kind of like this agoraphobic state agoraphobia being like fear of getting out into spaces and being around people because then you can't leave if you have to and you might have a panic attack you

might embarrass yourself yeah it's a diagnosable mental illness and it's really built on anxiety and so i think isolating yourself in some time sometimes it's good but honestly you live by yourself so you're going to spend a lot of time alone anyways just by logistical stance like it's just harder to be around people. And so I think I'm glad you're on your own, but you're going to have to, I would really encourage you to at least once a week, do something social and you don't have to do it at your apartment. If you're worried about your dog, if you're worried about strange men, that's all fine and dandy. That means we have to go out. Maybe it's with people that we know from school that we already know enough to be like, it's safe to go out for dinner with

like dinner or drinks or whatever you're into or workout class. I don't know, go for a walk, whatever but we're gonna you're gonna have to get out and see people because yes your dog might take him a little while and having strange men to your house is wrong but i think you're definitely making excuses to isolate because people probably been shitty to you and you're afraid to put yourself out there again but like you're better now you're on your own and you have the ability to be like okay i've had enough okay see you guys later but i'm gonna go home um so yeah challenge yourself once a week to do something social and i think doing it outside of your apartment first it was probably easier so let's do that then as you get to know people invite a friend over for

i don't know i mean i'm older so i'm like a wine and appetizers but like whatever you children do i would also say this make i i think that this makes sense because i definitely have gotten into like i don't i guess i've gone into like a i i don't even want to say if it's like a agoraphobic tendency that's not like necessarily like but when you're like super depressed and you're like i don't want to do anything i don't want to like leave my house the things that i would then do to be like okay i'm not gonna like go out and go to a club like that's asking a lot for myself i'm not going to get my groceries delivered i'm gonna go to the grocery store i'm not gonna go use amazon prime i'm gonna go to target yep or go get coffee once like if it's

like yeah you can walk two blocks and say i always tell people the first thing if you have really high anxiety is to make eye contact with a stranger and smile because that can be really hard because we tend to be like don't look at me don't look oh my god oh my god you know and so if you make eye contact you smile then you see your barista or whoever at the coffee shop good morning or whatever like small interactions can build up to bigger yeah so any way to get out of the house it doesn't have to be social social yeah because i work from home a lot and so uh and lately and usually i and i live by myself and usually i am like fine being at home but like within the last two months it's like i need that interaction from people so she does so much shit i know it's

no she's always out doing shit yeah it's inspiring it makes me want to do shit so like volunteering so like big brothers big sisters i have a little sis so that gets me out um going to my coffee shop that's like down the street it's like it's like a very like social hip coffee shop so like everyone talks to each other so um i do that or i'm going to have a scheduled workout class every day so it's just different stuff like that yeah and it's good to get out because otherwise we can get caught in this routine and I don't know if anybody else can like this resonates with you but if I don't get out of the house it gets easier and easier for me to stay in the house it's like harder for me to leave and so forcing yourself out for the small things and it's almost like in a way we're

telling our brain it's okay to leave the house yeah you will make it no and I do that when I get into like a habit if I if I like have and for me like usually will come from like if I'm sick being sick it's so much of like the same like physical things as being depressed and so then my body is just like oh no no you just feel super depressed again i'm like no i had bronchitis like i know like i can't not be if i can't not want to leave the house and not want to get out of bed again like i'm healthy now like that kind of a thing and so i have like my like safe immediate like i have the workout place that i always go to and that one is something for me that i'm like no matter what there's no i can't like the anxiety part of my brain i'm like there's no not a single

person there that I don't know there's not a single person there and if I don't know them like I know this community I know how it's fostered like I know how positive this is I know where I'm gonna park there is no like uh what's it called like variables and so there's it's something that I know and then from there I have my Trader Joe's and they are the nicest people ever who work at Trader Joe's and so I'm like that's something like those are the things and then from there oh maybe I can then go to do something else like those are like it builds up your confidence and i also found and i still try and do this the most like if i'm already out of the house for something i try and do something i will try and do something else too i'm like oh okay i went to a workout

class i'm gonna go grocery shopping after or i went to a doctor's appointment i'm gonna go like run an errand afterwards and not just immediately go home which i mean i'm definitely like still guilty of doing that sometimes um but it makes it like i don't know it's like baby steps yeah you have to interact with people i think all of that is good because it's it's not the zero to 100 we don't have to like be at home every day and then all of a sudden we have like a full social calendar yeah but it's like it's the small coffee shop workout class um volunteering is great especially because anybody who's a volunteer like is volunteering is like warm right and nice and they want to be there yeah and so there's all of that stuff um yeah because if we're in school or

work that we do we're at home yeah yeah we all need social interaction we're like wired for it from birth so make a point of doing it little baby steps and don't get caught up in the um i don't even know how to say it but just like excuse after excuse after excuse because there's always a reason to not do something but let's look for reasons to do something yeah and also because you live alone don't i mean for dating stuff i wouldn't i mean if you're going on dates with people even if you know them from school i was a big proponent of like i don't meet them there yeah and i didn't tell them that i lived alone i didn't let them pick me up or drop me off and like it took like a long time before i would have like i think the only person i ever guy ever dated

that like i invited back invited back to here and like you know get down and dirty was literally moths and like we had known each other for a year and a half and he'd like like we worked together and he'd like been here for that stuff before but um yeah that's not like and i think it's super different especially like i remember in college again when you live with people and like it's like oh like dates in and out like it's all like everyone's all around when you do live alone there is like a safety security thing that like people who don't live alone won't necessarily get and like you're not paranoid about that especially when it comes to like dating stuff and like inviting new random not i don't say like new random people but don't feel like that needs to

be like how you push yourself and if you are going on dates and you are like like a guy or a girl or whoever and you're inviting someone back over um make sure you tell somebody that you are and all of that stuff send like before and afters and what time and where we're going yeah because yeah i i watch a lot of crime yeah stuff dude's fucking saus and lawn order all the time and shit happens so that is a real fear and i think meeting until you've known someone for three to six months or get a good feel for them yeah don't have them come to your place you can meet out especially you're she's like near a college so there's probably a ton of places to go have a burger or something and if you like want to like get your freak on and hook up with someone

and they have roommates and they go to their place like this is your safe sanctuary place don't you don't have to invite someone like if you want to have sex with someone you don't have to invite them over to your place you can also like sleep at their place or hook up with their place and then leave again make sure people know where you are yeah but you don't have to let people into like your to have a boyfriend or date or anything yeah and you do whatever you want yeah yeah um best of luck i really relate to you and i feel like i learned a lot from this too Time for a quick break, guys, and we will be back. Okay, guys, we're back from our break, and we're going to hop into the rest of the calls.

So I am a 25-year-old. I am financially supporting myself. I live on my own. I go to school, and I also work a full-time job. I've been single for the past two years and have not slept with anyone for the past two years. Recently, I was told that I am too independent and self-sufficient to find slash be in a relationship. So I guess my first question is, is that even possible? And how does one go about fixing that if it is?

And the second question would be, how do you meet someone in today's world not on a dating app? because I'm currently not trying to get murdered. So any advice would be awesome. Thank you. I'm listening. I mean, I've heard this before. I've said this before on the podcast, how my best friend had like a full,

like she had a breakdown over the fact that she thought I was going to die alone because like I was not putting, I like wasn't trying to date. And I was like, whatever. But you're only 26 now. And you were younger then. Oh, I was younger then.

But granted, she's always been the kind, she's dating's always, she would treat dating like a job, which i honestly think like there's just different ways people go about dating and i always knew for me i hate no offense i'd like love everyone here but i hate everyone like i'm not i don't automatically just like really like some like i'm the very like jaded closed off person so for me i always knew i'm gonna end up with someone who i'm friends with first like i'm not like gonna go on a date and like really like the person like that's so rare for me to be like how many i would have

to go on thousands of dates to like and with the same person yeah it's like actually like someone because i'm like fucking shit but i think it's like i i understand someone saying that just because i think people go about dating in such different ways well it depends on the person yeah first of all you don't have to be in relationships if you don't want to you don't have to get married if you don't want to the whole pressure and like oh close it shut the fuck up i'm so sick of that you know what i mean and like girls feel like i have had friends that treat it like a job yeah and i'm like is this really the goal really this is your job um so i think first of all there's no such thing as being too what was it independent self-sufficient um

because you'll find someone who compliments that and enjoys that part of you yeah um because i was that way i live by myself and i didn't i don't need no mans um i would wanted to want someone yeah i need them i think that's a very important distinction um so don't you don't have you should not have to change to be in a relationship it should be complimentary so be yourself don't listen to stupid people yeah and i don't think there's anything wrong with uh that to me is like a statement that kind of mirrors the oh they're intimidated by you and that the idea that that's supposed to be an insult i've always been like fuck yeah that's like that's the greatest compliment ever it's like someone's like oh they're super intimidated by you you don't want to date that

loser no and it's so and then once you actually meet someone who's not like that at all like i used to like i i definitely felt especially like not to be like ageist or whatever but i found i was financially independent i also had like a young age and guys who are my age like that was like for them like oh fuck wait whoa and i would end up dating someone who like was like a couple years older but then also dating people who are my age who literally were not affected by it at all and i was like oh wow why was i treating those like shitty guys who had like that loudest voice in the room of like oh wow maybe it's this and like your friends like maybe it's this and then you meet someone you go oh but that's sure that could be a reason why you're insecure

but like that's not you don't speak for every single kind of person that i want to date at all that's the thing it's just insecurity the only reason you feel intimidated by anyone is because you feel insecure in that realm that's not your problem no that's not your problem you find someone who doesn't isn't intimidated doesn't feel that way they're just excited for you should in relationships you should celebrate each other's successes and things that are going on um so that's obviously very important meeting people is honestly just going out and doing things and doing stuff you like yeah because you'll find other people who like to do the same things and that's easy then you can do those things together i think also dating apps get a bad rep of like

murder and as somebody who like loves a murder podcast and like frequency i love svu all of that kind of shit um there's a way to use dating apps safely there's the same reason that there's also a way to like there's a way to do that in a way that like you can find your own comfort zone with it and i think a good way that you can do that i've had friends who've been like very anti-dating apps but what they use dating apps for was to like go through and they used a lot of the ones that were hooked up to like the rest of their social media and all that stuff to see people that they knew when they were single and like to see like friends of friends and then be like oh this guy who i have all these mutual friends with i might not match him on this app but i see that we have

like 50 mutual friends and he's friends with like my hometown or like my college friend i'm gonna ask her about him and see if she can set us up in that way so it's kind of expanding your horizon of like maybe because i've always experienced like there's maybe there's someone who's like not in your like close-knit circle but like in your vicinity that you're kind of into but like or like you could possibly be interested in i think that's a good way especially it's not because i mean i don't want to say like anywhere like anyone can murder you like you can like like in like a sketchy way but like a dating app like definitely like it can be like creepy people but like you can go up to like someone on the grocery store and they can also be creepy i think

like if you want to have like uh like mutual connections or that kind of stuff i think you can use dating apps to your benefit that way my friend ended up dating is dating her boyfriend because they they ended up actually matching on a dating app but they had mutual friends and like they both like asked about each other and then got set up on a date and like through that so i think it's a good way to know if like you're single or not i saw moths on a dating app before we started dating i was like oh him and that girl broke up cool good to know like this is like this is like kind of just like a nod to that kind of way but also if you do want to like attempt or like try i think it's also a good way to i don't know like talk to people and like with having no

and i've always said this having no intention to meet up like it's kind of nice to just like get used to flirting and like being like oh okay like what are things that I thought it was really important to me and someone it might not necessarily be or um am I already gonna rule out some of these guys and just kind of like I don't know for me it's like getting getting back on the bike it's a little bit of like a habit sort of thing um but I think yeah and also ask your friends if you if they have anyone or like anyone you work with and be like hey anyone you want to set me up with yeah and I think yeah I mean I'd never used dating apps I'm older and I would definitely be like this person where i'd be like so i think but it could be a nice like

segue into dating or like a dry run so to speak um but i really do think you meet the best matches for you just by doing things that you already like to do but you have to go into it with the the idea that you want to talk to people meet people you have to i know this sounds weird but just even in mentally thinking that you become more approachable because if we're just doing the thing and we're focused. We're like, I'm just going to go on this hike. I'm not here to meet people. I'm just here to do this thing. Then you don't meet anybody. And so I think if we go in with an open mind being like, Hey, so I just want to do this and I'm going to meet some people and see who I want to date. And like, if I don't, I might not, but I might make a new friend.

Who knows? I want to pet some cute dogs. This is going to be great. Then you come across that way. And I think just letting yourself meet people, honestly, once you're ready, you'll meet them. I feel like oftentimes, even in my personal life, like before I met Sean, I had like a series of bad boyfriends for different reasons. And I just like closed off. I took a semantical, we called it like a sabbatical from men for a while. And just because I was like, I can't be in any more bad relationships. These guys are losers. Fuck this. And then I was just having a good time with my friend, didn't really care about it anymore. And that's when I met Sean. So I think it's kind of like being open to just being you, putting yourself out there, still doing fun things. It'll come around.

Yeah. You don't have to treat it like a job. I actually don't think that's a healthy way. Just putting that out there. I think you'll end up in a really unhealthy relationship because you thought you needed to get something real quick, real fast. And then you end up getting divorced at like 30 and hating your life. Yeah.

Just putting it out there. I mean, I don't disagree with you at all. i know a lot of people who treat it this way and then sometimes i'm like well look how well that ended up settling or being in some crazy you can't just things take their run their course in a very healthy fashion but if we just take our time it's kind of like i say this is someone who's never been on linkedin but i learned about like the on light on linkedin where it says that you're looking for a job and i think that's what you're saying being approachable because i think you can't live like live your day-to-day life at least for me if mods and i weren't dating if i lived my

day-to-day life and i did the stuff that i liked i like pilates and i like going to um what else do i like like all female things it's a lot of yeah and it's a lot of stuff that like i do and they're like solo endeavors that i don't necessarily i'm not trying to talk to anyone or trying to meet anyone there and i'm not approachable like it's just me doing the things that i like in my routine but then there's another aspect of like oh okay if you're gonna go out and you really like uh comedy clubs don't go to a comedy club with like your 40 closest friends you're not approachable you're not for exactly and it has to be something like that so i think like there's a way to be like doing the things that you like and not expecting like oh just one day like a dick's gonna fall in

my lap like you're good because again we've said like the dick that falls in your life is not the dick that you want not the dick you want so you have to like put yourself out there in a way that like feels authentic and true to you but it's still like it's the conscious like consciously like putting yourself out there and like being open to that kind of thing and then also getting over that fear of like again I've never actually gotten over that fear I'd never had like I never had to do it of like actually approaching people and being that person who's like hi because I have resting um bitchy and confused face so I'm not an approachable person and I've been told that my whole life from everybody like most of my friends like yeah I thought you were a cunt when

I first met you and I'm like sick so I and I didn't think that about you really you were friendly to me right away oh my god yeah not like overly friendly which is also a red flag it's like oh no boundaries that freaks me out but you were just like friendly like normally friendly okay see i told you the same thing that's cool you're probably the only two people who've ever said that about me um but yeah so i think like they're there you have to kind of under like and maybe try something new yeah because if you haven't met anyone yet then yeah let's expand our little circle so like you like your one pilates studio yeah maybe instead we try a random class with another friend at this gym or maybe we go on i know everybody hates meetup.com but just for the

example meetup.com what's that oh it's like a way to you like dogs or coffee we go on these hikes with our dogs and we go check out this new coffee spot it's been around forever yeah wow people love it or hate it or whatever but even facebook has things that are going on in your area um this sounds really bad but like triple a has that like magazine oh in the back like now i'm going old school but it's still sent to my house two copies what triple a has a magazine it does west ways i've seen it like at the like car dealership yeah the car dealership well then get that from the car dealership in the back every has every every month has what's going on in different areas of la so everything from like san fernando valley to san diego even

up into and there's like a garlic fest a polish festival i mean all sorts of random i've been to garlic festival in gilroy california but even la weekly you can go online yeah there's like a thrill it trip thrillers yeah that stuff too yeah do those things even look up like a new restaurant in your area and go sit at the bar and have a glass of wine or something get comfortable just be you know yeah and go with like one of your other friends who's single i think that's a good thing and also one of your friends who's single and not judgmental because yeah you don't want another resting bitch face yeah someone who's like gonna hype you up in that kind of way or make you feel more comfortable and it's not going to be like go do this don't

do this but i can't believe you're still single that kind of thing you want someone who's who's gonna that's like what a good wing woman wing man is yeah and make it about hanging out with your friend don't make it about meeting a guy oh yeah because like because then you're just like look not talking to other people you're just like on the prowl yeah oh my god that's so funny i love that but yeah and also again approach people because i've also i've found that the guys that uh are like approaching me sometimes or like when i was single or approaching me we're not really the guys that i was as super into my friends always said like no you give off like a really confident kind of thing that i would just assume you had a like you were in a relationship

or you weren't that interested like i think it'd be better if you actually made like the first step in the first move and i was like okay and it's also the same thing that i've had with like a lot of my guy friends who of like late and now that they don't want to say or do anything to make anyone like they don't want to come on to someone and make anyone feel uncomfortable they're like No, I am now. One of my friends said like in like the late Me Too movement, he goes, it's great. I don't put any effort in. All girls just will like come up.

Like he's like, I just, I don't approach anybody. And I get girls who will come up and talk to me because I'm not the one who's like aggressor, like just going at it. And I was like, yeah, that's fair. I was like, well, welcome to. Yeah. He's like, yeah. I was like, yeah, that's a good time.

2019. It's a crazy space here. It is. It's a crazy, crazy time. Do we have one last one? We do. Okay. Let's do it.

I am 25 years old. I'm married and I have two kids. I know that's probably crazy for you guys in L.A., but that's pretty common from where I'm from. I also went to college and I finished that and I worked full time while I was doing that as well. Because I've been so busy, I kind of lost touch with a lot of my friends that I had in high school and at the beginning of college. and it's kind of been impossible for me to maintain them especially when I started having kids because they take up like all of my time um after I had my second baby I had postpartum depression and anxiety and my anxiety was like horrible uh and I ended up having to get on meds

I was super suicidal and um I had to see a therapist after like a lot of work I kind of realized that my family like not my like kids and my husband but my uh extended family like my mom and my dad and my sister and all of them are a little bit uh toxic and I'm trying to put some space between us so I can um get better control over my anxiety uh but it's not working and I think it's because I feel really lonely because I don't have any friends anymore and um because It was the last few years of my life I've been so busy. I don't know how to make friends. I'm a teacher, and I talk to kids every day, but we're kind of isolated as teachers in our classrooms.

We don't leave, really. I talk to kids, but not adults. I get really anxious about meeting new people, too. I've tried to do exercise classes and stuff, but I can't, like, bring myself to go to it, and I don't know what to do. um i just feel like they're gonna judge me or like i'm dumb or something and i don't want to be judged so if you have any advice on how i can like get over my fears of like being judged by people and make some friends so that i can be healthier that'd be great thanks for listening wow we're at such different points in our life this is crazy i know at 25 that's wild but it

is the norm for a lot of areas and just small towns i mean when i where i grew up when i came back from college a lot of my friends already had like two or three kids and i was like i don't even know what my life is yet um i think the the first i want to put this out there first because she's like the fear of being judged that's really like confidence so it comes from in within you yeah so i would encourage all of us it helps everybody um when you start the day and when you end the day with like three to five things you like about yourself or your situation what we have going on and try to change them up don't make them the same all the time um just because i would assume the conversation you're having with yourself is like i'm not good enough no one's gonna like me

i'm gonna put myself out there and they're not gonna be into it and we actually don't have any evidence for that so don't allow yourself to tell you that story that's not true i always think about it in the sense of like because i definitely get anxiety like of like oh my god everyone's like all of this kind of anxiety and then the thing that i tell myself is do i ever think that about someone else like do i ever go to a workout class and am i ever being like wow that person is like not good at this and they're terrible and they're done like i don't like there's not there's not one point in my life that i'm doing the thing that i'm convinced every other person is doing to me and then i'm like okay i'm gonna i'm not going to think that way because everybody else is also

worrying that about that and we're only just thinking about ourselves and it's a hard thing to do. And the only way to prove it to yourself is to go and watch it not happen. And then it's like, Oh, okay. I'm like, I'm being, I'm not saying being saved, but like, this is, this is like my own inner battle of insecurity. No one else is making me feel that way. It's a way that I'm projecting on to like put making other people, the villain and making it. So like, this is, so it's giving an excuse. And then I would also say the first time is always the hardest. And the first and I would say even like as some like I work out regularly but if I don't work out for like two weeks and I I'm still nervous to go back to the same studio I've gone to all the time I'm

like Megan nothing's gonna change it's all the same thing like nothing that's gonna happen but the first time that you go do anything and you put yourself out of your comfort zone like I'm not gonna lie it does kind of suck like it might not be an immediate like wow this was great I'm so glad I did it it might take a day it might take right after you go that you're like oh wow that wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be it's the first time trying it is always a little nerve-wracking and scary but it doesn't mean that it's not worth trying because again there's nothing nothing so terrible is ever going to happen um and it's good to kind of prove it to yourself and it's just I don't know I'm a hype up kind of person if I need to go do something I

really don't want to do it's like okay I'm gonna listen to a song that I really like I'm gonna have like my perfect morning routine I'm gonna wake up early enough that I have enough coffee I'm gonna like watch a youtube video that like it's like i'm watching jenna marbles i'm gonna be in like a funny like uplifted mood i'm gonna like do all of these things and have like everything kind of go well it's like and even if it's just like psyching myself up for it's like just putting my like best foot forward in a way that like nobody else is going to know that i had this whole like routine but i'll feel that kind of confidence and feel better about it yeah and i think like as far as being a teacher and being isolated like therapists are the same youtubers are the same

like we don't really interact with other humans very often um and you're interacting with children And like I'm interacting with patients and those aren't people are going to make friends with. So I think I'm sure you have like a lounge or a teacher's area where you have lunch or do whatever. And I think I would encourage you to use that as like your first dip in, because even though you don't hang out together all the time, you know, those people at least a little bit. And that would probably be an easy way to like make a new friend like, hey, let's do a happy hour every Friday, every third Friday of the month or something. i don't know and then have your babysitter stay a little later and you can like plan for it and make it easy um or you could have people over to your house if that's something you want to do so you don't have to worry about baby they can bring their children or whatever um i think that's

probably the place i would start just because it's easy and then you see them and then there's more touch points so and they might be like hey we had so much fun good to see you know and it like slowly builds um yeah and like maybe if there's like uh like a mom's group and like looking on like facebook groups or things like that or like people in your area and like your kids i don't know if they're in uh like a daycare or anything like that like meeting other parents and moms that way who also have like again like it's we can hang out and we can you know like drink a responsible amount of wine and like our kids can hang out but like you can also create those friendships with people who are in the same boat because i think it does like my my friends

who have kids the people that they hang out with the most are also are their friends who have kids because it does it is just like a different lifestyle thing it's like no we're gonna eat dinner at five o'clock like and like we're all gonna be up at 9 a.m yeah park already on a Saturday and people like us are like no no I'm good and so I think like that would be like a really like great uh way and even if it's like I don't know like a weekend um I don't like I've seen like workout classes that have like there's like a lot I mean maybe it's an LA thing but like workout classes that are like mom and kid workout stuff they're everywhere and that could be another like good way and also your kid can kind of be that like comfort like I don't know for me I kind

of i always like if i'm like it's like going to a party and you know one person there you're like well regardless i have like my little buffer with me and like that's like you have someone like this is like okay you know what i'm not alone in this like we're doing this kind of together and i think that's like can be a really uh like positive and confidence boosting sort of thing um and then maybe like a book club like maybe it's also focusing on like relationships i think like you should focus on having like friendships that are like in person and stuff like that but also you could join like in like like oprah has a book club and there's like chapters launched yeah and i just read that today but like we said this but and there's like regional chapters and

there's like people that you can have those conversations and discussions with and have it so that can also like i said for the other one where like dating apps can kind of be that like comfortability like getting back into the swing of things that can be a way that maybe you have a crazy super busy week and you're like wow i'm gonna have no me or friend time and we'll like i have like a book club like skype meeting or like we have like a message board and i can still interact with people yeah even if i'm still watching the kids yeah and like i know a lot of my friends who have kids they have like daycare events like especially we're coming up to like halloween and the holidays and stuff like that and so during the that time they'll have like

different events that you bring the kids to you know and you i would encourage you to go and meet other parents like even asking if your kid i don't know how old your children are but if one is old enough to be like that's my best friend at school yeah be like oh go introduce yourself to the parents and be like oh i'm so-and-so's mom you know i hope they're cool yeah exactly i mean you cross your fingers yeah but at least that's like another way to meet people who have children around your children's age it's an easy low pressure situation where you're really there for the kids but it gives you a way to interact with other parents and that can be another social thing too because i would encourage you like don't use your family just to stop this gap from you

feeling like you don't have friends and feeling isolated because that's only going to make you feel worse it's kind of back to our first or second question where we're like shitty having shitty friends is worse than having no friends so don't second guess your decision to not spend time with them um let's put your energy instead into finding new happier healthier relationships yeah because i think just because something is like the relationship with your family it it might feel easy but it's not easy in that way where it's like oh this is like this is the the i it's not hard to text them it's not hard to reach out it's not hard to plan anything like that but that doesn't mean that the relationship is easy i think like that's also a hard thing it's

like the same thing with like proximity friends who like kind of suck but you're like oh they're so close close and convenient but it's like but it's not like that that's not enough of kind of a reason so i think the the more and we said this in other calls before the more that you can like and i guess here too like the more that you can surround uh yourself with like that positive stuff the less tempted you'll be to go back to that kind of like yeah not great stuff and you'll be able to create those healthy boundaries because you'll have those healthy boundaries in another relationship and so it kind of like it promotes you maintaining that in the other ones that you actually really need to because like you you'll have like if you think about

healthy relationships and healthy boundaries you don't even necessarily realize that you have them with certain people you know when you don't have them and so then once you have the right one you're like oh okay cool sure sure so this is gonna mimic this and i have this kind of like like confidence in relationships and yourself and yeah yeah totally but i think like it's definitely like give yourself like the the i don't want like yeah cut yourself some slack in the sense that like you have a lot on your plate and it is tempting and easy and also society gives us the idea that like family and family and especially when you have your own family grandparent all of this kind of stuff that it's not um selfish or bad to invest more time in people that like are new and

not like you can't necessarily heal a toxic relationship um and that's not where your energy should be going it should be like healing yourself and then finding like positive relationships and yeah don't feel like not that you said that you feel bad about it but like don't feel like it's a i don't know you should like spend that like a good amount of time on you and that's what i think about like i mean i'm not a mom but like like like the time that moms need on their own i think it's also really important to like need the time with like friends and people who don't aren't kids and aren't like you can talk about adult stuff like maybe like me time it doesn't have to just be getting your nails done in peace and quiet it could be like you know like

gossiping with like girls over like drinks and whatever that kind of stuff yeah whatever you need of course because being a parent i think is a lot of energy out and you're giving to something else and so it is important to fill your own cup as well um yeah and i do like that don't be don't feel guilty about not wanting to be around your family people put a lot of emphasis on that but you i would like the chosen family and that can be the people that are your family or it can be the ones you choose to put in there and so don't i think it's way more common than people want to admit where they just like don't like seeing their family i mean hello it's it's very common so yeah um hopefully that gets you started because i think it is hard but you've only been like underground

working on yourself for like a couple of years yeah you're coming up for air even if you want to reconnect those old high school friends that you miss like reconnect they'll understand be apologetic hey i was doing this and that like the kids and if they don't get it they're not going to be friends anyway yeah and also and you can be friends people who don't have kids too i fucking love my friends with kids i'll come over i'll go over to your house and like hang out and play with your kid and like i'll leave at a responsible hour like i'm fine i can fuck it i can fuck with that hard i can too so i don't like to stay up that late anyways honestly i really just like sleep period it's great i'm i'm very much on that same boat my friend like

their schedules i'm like i fuck with the schedule hard i really i really do i'm into it um but best of luck and uh yeah get some sleep too because i feel like that's children and being a teacher i don't even know how she does it i don't either i yeah i would not be able to i thought about that the other day about like people who are teachers my teachers are not only are teachers like amazing for like teaching children all that babysitters oh my god you have to put up 30 children so much shit and also you're not allowed to pick favorites which i got in trouble all the time as a camp counselor because i'm like no this is my favorite and like you can't say that they're your favorite but all the rest of these kids are hella annoying and she's super tight you don't have to

do any work today and she'd be cool i'm like okay this is not i can't do this it's not healthy no it's not i'm not good with that stuff i'm gonna give them some psychological fully great yeah thankfully they were a little bit older and they didn't give me a lot of responsibility um okay well uh best of luck and um now it is time for don't blame them and this is when listeners will call in with their own personal advice from like other questions so let's let's hear it hi megan melissa and potential guests i'm actually calling in on the episode with becca tilly there was the girl who was struggling to figure out a relationship with her dad who was in prison and I feel for her so much I'm pretty much in the exact same situation where growing up

my dad was in and out of prison like five times six times I've lost count and I'm not even 19 yet and he had all the same mental issues maybe even more including depression and I also struggled with feeling like I don't want to maintain contact with him because I see the chaos he's creating but I also know that if I relinquish contact with him, then I'm just going to increase his depression and I don't want to send him back into the spiral. But I learned two things. First is my mom always described him as a hurricane and we're just little pieces of debris that are just getting knocked around.

And whether that debris is there or that debris is gone, the hurricane just keeps on spinning. So basically, he's going to keep hurting himself no matter what happens. And the only thing that changes is whether you get hurt or if you don't get hurt. And I also realized that no matter who you are, you're going to find someone that is toxic to you. And it's your responsibility to put yourself first, no matter what that label that toxic person has. because regardless if they are your father, your mother, your sibling, your best friend, that label should not protect them from the action you need to take because that label did not protect them from what they did to you.

So I completely agree with what you told her. I'm so sorry she has to go through this, but hopefully hearing it from someone in the same situation helps. Thank you. Love the podcast. My God, she's so wise. That was beautiful. yeah i don't take over my podcast that was really like concise and i love the hurricane analogy i love the yeah that that didn't protect them from doing that but you know because when she said uh

i forget what it was exactly but like that she was afraid she's going to send her dad back into depression if she didn't keep in contact with him and i was like that's not your job you're not responsible for his happiness he is and that's something that i think is like it's such a hard thing to learn. And I think we all go through and no one wants anyone else to feel bad. And we all like to assume responsibility. And once you have a healthy relationship with someone who's like, Oh my God, no, that's not on you. That's like, this is something with me. But then there's so many other people that it's like, yeah, no, this is like, I can't believe you would do this to me. And it gets, and especially when you're a kid, it gets into your psyche and it gets into

be like a, I am responsible for this thing. And it's something that you then learn when you're older you're like oh wait no because also you turn around and you don't do it to anyone else that's also for me like how I can kind of like gauge and figure out if things are I'm like okay is this like a me spiral or is this like a real thing I'm like well do I do that to other people like is it someone else's fault if I feel I'm like no so it's not it can't be my fault then like that's and it's it's a it's a conversation reasoning with yourself but like you sound like I mean very smart and very in touch with all of this and your mom's also sounds incredibly smart seriously yeah and i always like to like it's a reminder i have to tell myself too is like we're

not responsible for how other people feel the only person we can make feel better is ourselves and like you have to say that over and over when people say like you make me you're like i didn't make you do shit you took something sure i could have said something's hurtful and i'll apologize but but you can tell me hey you said that and that hurt my feelings and now i'm feeling this way because i decided to feel that way which i know sounds really crazy but we do that like you take information and then i interpret it and i feel a way about it and that doesn't mean that we can let people off the hook for everything it's all us but you still have to be responsible overall for how you because we'll spiral yeah you can let yourself go down this like and this

person's such a jerk and and i feel so bad and it's like slow down you're letting this ruin your day or your life and you don't have to i think about in the sense of like if i had like let's say if i when i when i used to have like a toxic friend and like a friend that wasn't toxic they could say the same thing and my reaction would be different and i'm like oh so okay this is my it's my relationship that's being brought into question my relationship with you or if this ties into something else like someone else could say this to me and it wouldn't have this like ah but i'm tacking on meaning to it because it's coming from a specific person but that person might not that's me tacking on they didn't do that they didn't say and here's the caveat this is the

meaning of it i'm like oh no i took that interpretation yeah yeah and it becomes it's hard but it's like a it's a retraining your brain and like learning process and being like okay what what is this real is this is this actually real is this a thing that i've done um but yeah and i think like you said it's it's it's very those toxic people in those labels they don't they don't protect anyone from anything and i think we get that call so we get like those kinds of things i think that's like a really thing good thing for like us all to remember is that whole but they're this to me in my life and it's like but they didn't care like they they're doing this and it's it's gonna happen regardless um and you're having too much when someone has too much

empathy for someone who doesn't have empathy for them i'm always like oh my gosh that's just that's a black hole it's like a toxic person because it like sucks all the energy out but you don't have to let it yeah because it's never going to be enough and i we said that in the original call with becca where it was like there's nothing that you can do that's ever going to make it enough and you're going to get to this point with being like i've given you everything i've put everything into it and it's still not enough and then you're like oh wait i couldn't i did everything i did was for no reason it was never going to be enough it didn't yeah and it's not like i filled your tank halfway it's just empty it's just me emptying into you which is also

because you're never going to like no matter what i do it's not gonna actually stick yeah and it's it's something too to remember like you know a lot of times we'll spend time in our lives where we're like when they do this then i can finally feel better when they're not in prison think that was the main thing was like then i can live my own life or when they finally apologize yeah then i can let this go and you're like you'll be waiting your whole life for something and it never will get better because you have to decide to be like you know what they can do whatever they can choose to apologize or not they can they can be in prison or not they're a hurricane i just love that analogy because it's so like the debris is the only difference yeah it's still gonna swirl yeah

and so you can like let it happen but i decide to let it go i'm moving on yeah so i think this is great and i hope if the original caller from becca's episode is listening that this made you feel better anyone else who's dealing with this um and yeah that's our episode um plug your shit katie oh uh youtube channels katie morton i had a book are you okay that came out in december um i talk about toxic relationships a lot now boundaries things like that um yeah come find me i'm online she's the best guys it's literally what i think all youtube i think we should keep i think there should be a youtube purge we should get rid of everyone except for like bona petite sordid food jenna marbles the teen mom youtubers who i really love who are like very

honest about their like struggles of being teen moms and being like it's not glamorous i love them and then you can keep your channel and i think that's it sounds like such a throwaway and then you can keep it no no but i mean i know the beginning that was like this is like this is all that i think that should be on the like that's the only things that should be on the internet like get rid of every and you read into it i mean my friends can keep their channels too but like you know i mean like just the content i'm done with the stupid shit same i watch the stupid shit but i'm done with it um if you guys want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message

at meganpodcast at gmail.com check us out on instagram don't blah meme pod our own personal ones will be listed um wherever the things are listed figure it out on whatever device if you're watching all of that stuff check out the youtube and then check out us on um podcasts or wherever else and we'll see you guys next time goodbye Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts, camera operator Amanda Lechner, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso, part of the HerPod Network.