Don't Blame Me! - S4E23: Guest: Allison Raskin - Pent-Up Sexual Guilt

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

Allison Raskin joins us again to share advice! We’re answering your questions on what to do if a guy jokingly proposes to you, how to handle your boyfriend’s parents that want him to move back home, confronting your boyfriend about a found used condom, and coping with having an out of body experience during sex. In Don’t Blame Them a listeners shares her own experience about being in a BDSM relationship. Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @allisonraskin https://www.instagram.com/allisonraskin/ @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by The RealReal Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me um i feel like i have to say it's morning because we look so like cozy and tired if you're watching this good fucking morning um i completely forgot that you filmed this and i was like i can wear my sweats no problem i mean i'm so happy i literally was like i i always have to like dress according to like what the guest is so i'm like fuck if someone who like dresses really cute i have to dress really cute in this morning you're like no it's allison i'll be fine i was just like i don't give a shit what anyone's wearing i don't care i got a new sweatshirt and it is so fucking comfortable i'm just wearing it it's adorable so you can imagine my excitement when i was like oh my god

yes she's wearing leggings uh if you want to see we're recording this on youtube and the she i'm talking about allison raskin is back hello excited to have you back i'm just honored to be back you gave great advice last time the people love you thank you and i feel like i feel excited when uh it's a guest that like has been on before and is also like good at giving advice because then i'm like okay cool i don't have to stress well i well i have a similar show so years of experience yeah and me stealing what what what the international no i know but what did i steal it for for art when we do the international calls oh okay oh you steal my song well you knew you pointed it out last time Look, I don't know what's happening, but I don't

have a memory. It's okay. Same. I don't remember anything. The fact that I remember I've been on this podcast is pretty cool. It's okay. I literally will have people over here and I'm like, you've been here before and I don't tell them or anything. I was like, you know, I've never been here. So yeah, this is an advice podcast if you guys are new here and if you want to be on an upcoming episode, you can

leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international. Well, see, I'm second guessing myself now because you're here. I stopped. i didn't you stopped though you can keep doing it but no now you're here and like it's just too much pressure and international listeners you can give us uh an audio message don't just email it to us you don't just like immediately you can't physically give it to us uh and send an audio

message to meganpodcasts at gmail.com hey megan so i have a situation there's this guy that i'm kind of into and he is apparently into me too but hasn't said anything we always joke around when we're together and he like introduces me as his wife but like hey say something serious and like we'll literally get down on one knee and be like will you marry me but it's always like joking we're always just joking and playing around about it but apparently he's serious but hasn't like said anything to me that he's serious we have a mutual friend that he talks to about this and he tells her like oh yeah i think we could be really good together but i don't want to do anything because i don't want to hurt her or mess up what we currently have so if you

can give me uh some tips or advice on what i should do to fix this situation see if it goes anyway that would be awesome love you bye wait so you're not dating him no i don't think so oh she's kind of dating him it doesn't sound like she's dating him at all i'm confused i think that he just flirts with her and then doesn't want to actually commit to anything is what i'm getting a sense of yeah it makes me feel icky yeah i mean i think that they're unless there's like an obvious obstacle like between you guys dating like when moths and i like were friends and we liked each other we worked together so we couldn't date and he would refer to me like as a joke like as his work wife but not to like other people

and i think there's something a little odd about the fact that there isn't an obstacle and it's like oh i don't want to hurt like that's such a classic fuck boy line of being like i don't want to hurt you like i don't want like i'm just not at this place and like that kind of thing it does just kind of sound i don't know like he's he's like flirting with you with no consequences or there is no commitment to it i almost feel and maybe i just am so manipulative i assume other people are too that like he is using the mutual friend so knowing the mutual friend will say these things to the girl yeah so that the girl can then be like look it's not a big deal let's just see what happens like if we get hurt we get hurt like it's totally fine you know and then he's

like in the clear yeah so then when he like is inevitably being like deuces it's like well i warned you exactly i i it just reeks of immaturity to me yeah and i've had i had a guy that i was like friends with in college and we used to sleep in the same bed almost every single night weird and as i get oh my this is super it's also like sleeping in a twin bed almost every single night hang out all the time would just like hold hands like would like gas me up all the time like oh my god you look so fucking hot like all of that stuff it would just make like very flirty comments and all of our friends like ah and then we had like kind of went on one date but it was so clear that i was like oh no this is like you don't actually like me like this is just like a

flirtation fun did you like him i mean to be honest he was really hot but i like personality wise not i love attention and like there's something to be said about like when someone's like giving you so much that makes you feel like oh wow they really really like me like oh i kind of feel like i probably like you more too um but yeah it was just it was super odd and there wasn't anything to it i think in general if someone's gonna have like serious if someone has feelings for you they're probably going to act on it but in the way that like i think if he hadn't talked to your friend i would say maybe he's like trying to do it in a joking way and like you should bring it up seriously but saying that to your friend it is kind of like a oh this is covering my ass

yeah if that that's the detail where i lost i lost hope in this situation yeah um i'm someone i don't like it if i don't like you and you give me attention it just makes me uncomfortable oh Oh, a hundred percent. Like I know a lot, like I know a lot of people like keep people around. But like how hot, depending on how like attractive they are. I don't, yeah, maybe. That just never happened to me. It's okay. He was like one of like the five hot guys at my school. And I also look back on it now and I'm like, do you forget when, it's not that I had camp goggles. I kind of had, uh, it's just like the, the kinds of people who I went to school with. So he's like covered in like really bad

tattoos and like has like kind of an army like buzz cut and i'm like now i'm like no i don't find that attractive but like college me was like yeah give me that give me those really tight little jeans and your wife beater tank top could you wear his jeans it was riverside no he's got some thick thighs he's got thick thick neck thick thighs thick thighs save lives yeah it's very true um but yeah i think it's i think if i were you i would just move on and date other people and do all that stuff and i think also from there and you dating other people you'll see i don't it sounds bitchy like how good of a friend he actually is and like because if you're dating someone they're probably not gonna be comfortable with him doing this kind of stuff and it might

just be like a he wants to know like you to know i don't know like that wants to be like oh yeah i could get it i have a feeling that he's probably doing this to a lot of people i wonder if there are other girls out here who would call in and say almost exactly the same thing that's a good point i just like i i don't know the older i get the more i'm just about like directness and like if someone likes you you know that they like you and like as whenever you're in like a confusion state it's just not the best yeah no it's not it's not fun and it's not productive and it then once you actually get together it's not as interesting or as exciting it's like the whole like oh my god like what's gonna happen so yeah i'd say move on and um if you want to you can sit

him down and be like what's going on do you have actual feelings for me or not and put him on the spot and then just so that you can either say yes or no and you can like move forward but i would not like put him on a pedestal and romanticize the situation because i i don't think that there's real substance there yeah no i think you're right i think your first instinct is right i think he's just trying to get into them panties and then be able to piece out whatever he wants or he just likes getting the attention from you and that's all he really wants yeah is he a leo because if So it's going to be that one. Totally.

Yeah. That's me. I know nothing about this. What's your sign again? I'm a Gemini. Oh, okay. But apparently I'm more of a, what am I more of? A Capricorn?

I wasn't there that day. Oh, man. That was crazy. This is before my time. You're more of a Capricorn? Oh, really? Yeah. Melissa's also my producer on my podcast.

Everyone hates when we talk about zodiacs. Only some. Actually, we get calls of people telling us what their sun and their moon is when they're asking for advice. And I'm like, see? That's not related? No. No.

they'll be like an fyi if you need this like i am like a cancer son and i'm like a scorpio moon i'm like okay for sure but then people get mad they're like here in the midwest we don't give a shit about zodiac i'm like okay no there's tons of psychutes and stuff there too well we had a pet psychic on the podcast there then and it ends with the episode ends with like melissa coming in to talk about the episode and she just fucking hated this like just like such disgust and like yeah okay that's on brand it was amazing gabby and i were saying was just so why would you want a pet yeah okay uh because i wanted to know how my dog feels about me well and apparently not great everything she said you already knew it yeah well i didn't know that my dog considered herself to

be like my auntie that was a twist why that relationship i don't know should we move on the next one hi Megan and Melissa and possible guests so I am 24 years old and recently moved in with my boyfriend um which is going great we're very happy uh so we have also been dating for just over two years so my topic that needs some advice on is how to start having better conversations and expressing my opinion with his family on certain topics without sounding complete and total bitch um one of those main topics is the extreme guilt his parents are making him feel and myself on moving out they believe that he should still be at home saving his money and you know sitting on his ass in a way and they bring that up constantly they've brought it up

ever since you know almost six months ago when we started talking about moving in together they've constantly just been guilt tripping him that he shouldn't leave and even now whenever he goes and visits his parents um his mom starts bawling her eyes out saying how he should just move back um in with them and that everything's okay like there's still space for him there's no problem for him to move back in and so I'm starting to get a little agitated about that and want to know how to approach that next time that comes up when I'm around especially like I don't want of sound like a bitch or anything um but also like I'm sorry I also don't know how to not say that they just need to get over themselves and like your son moved out and he's happy deal with

it I don't know so that's kind of where I'm at I don't know how to talk to talk to his parents or a lot of his family without getting really heated about it um so whatever advice you guys have for me that would be great um thank you and love listening to the show oh my god i relate to you so much i i i very much understand this point um do you have you ever been in like where like issue with any significant other's parents or anyone no um but i you know i've seen complicated relationships i'm um sorry my stomach keeps rumbling but uh i am of a firm belief in this situation it's not her responsibility it's his responsibility yeah like she needs to tell him that he has to say something yeah and i think that's exactly what i was gonna say you have to

take a cue from him and what he wants like you're you don't have it's not your place to like tell his family off unless he says hey can't like this is what i would really like you to do i'd like to have a conversation with them and you and feel free to like say what you want to say and then clear with him what's okay to say and what's not um but i almost feel like it's something he's got to just like deal with on his own well because i think it's a i think it's the issue that his mom doesn't want him to grow up and i think the big key needs to prove to her like no i'm i want to grow up i am growing up and this is how i'm doing it is i'm gonna tell you and be like no stop and that i'm prioritizing my partner's feelings and like you are actively hurting my partner

yeah when you behave this way and you're like dismissing our life together and the fact that we live together it's not like i moved out and living alone yeah yeah and i i i understand your feeling and getting really frustrated with it but it's yeah it's just not your place and as much as like i so there's so many times where i wish i could have been like in any like in any relationship like that where i'm like i want to fucking i want to say something like i got words what have you wanted to say no but just anything along the lines of like if if i like any guys that i've dated where like their moms have been uh okay i'm i what i'm not even like generalizing that moms are like this i'm saying in my experience with guys i've dated moms that are like highly

highly highly involved like my high school boyfriend's mom she would make him send pictures of where he was at all times of day and like because she didn't want him to go do anything and she was like so like he was not allowed to do anything like we were not like she didn't want me to come over for dinner like she thought I was a distraction and I was like it's senior year he's already gone into college what am I a distraction from like he already aced his SATs like he's got scholarships to go to school swim team is done like what am I distracting him from like there's this these grades don't count and it's that kind of stuff but it's like well it's not my place to say that and it can be super frustrating but I think also it probably feels um shitty for you

on top of it is because if your boyfriend's not necessarily like if it's not being squashed I'm if I were you I would then start feeling like well do you feel like that too is that the reason why you're not saying anything is like now it's like making me insecure about our relationship like would you rather be living at home but you're saying that you know that he's happy and all of that kind of stuff and it's his responsibility to tell his parents that he's growing up and they need to deal with it and it's really hard and to tell someone and and by hard to tell someone you shouldn't tell someone unless you're like a mental health professional like you can't say like fyi your parents are manipulative and toxic it could also be like a cultural thing too because in some

cultures they don't want their kids to move out until their kids are buying their own house yeah and but i i think the conversation he needs to have with them or not even that whatever he needs have our conversation with them i think what you need to do in this situation is anytime someone brings it up just like smile and nod and change the subject and that i think it's very clear that in fair that you wouldn't want to talk about it and i think you have every right to like obviously not be a bitch about it which i understand is hard because it's hard for me sometimes too just to be there like oh i really wish he lived at home and be like oh we really like we really love our apartment so tell me like what's new in your life and just just totally like

pivot and change the subject and i think the more that you can do that even if they find that bitchy they can't like run and tell someone like oh yeah i was telling like i'm like i'm like aunt becky and i oh dark i'm in jail i'm in jail and like i went like and then go tell his mom like yeah i was trying to act like i was telling her like how terrible it is that he's moved out and she just like kept changing the subject and like telling me that she loved my shirt like you know there's certain things that like on paper and like when people actually say it out loud you can they can get the point without you having to um kind of like be cold about it and just change the subject because there are some things that don't dignify a response and you don't have to the more that you

just avoid it i think eventually they're going to stop talking about it and it might take them a little bit longer than six months to like get over this kind of a thing um but to me the bigger issue is what is the dynamic between where your boyfriend falls when treating how he treats you versus how he treats his family and what are his priorities and how you know like because if this is a serious relationship and you're potentially marrying into this family like you want to establish now that like you and your partner are the team yeah and so i think like you the real conversation to be had like i said is with your boyfriend yeah and like yeah you know what what is he willing is he willing to stand up for you is he willing to put his foot down because if he

is still in a place of like completely cowering or like giving in to his parents to the you know where he'll like let his mom cry for an hour to him about it then he has some serious like growing up and to do and needs to gain some independence and that's more of my worry than the actual family yeah because i think a serious relationship uh that like is hopefully if you guys want to ending it like to end in marriage it becomes what used to be his family unit of like his mom his dad whoever raised him and like his like siblings and all of that stuff then it becomes you two are the unit so when you go to his parents house you are the unit together it's not you going into this other family unit that he's a part of it's you got not you i don't want to say you guys against

them but as my therapist always says like you need when you're like going approaching those situations it's someone in your court it's like you're not playing it's not one person playing singles and the other person they got like 15 people on their team like it's that's not how it works and he needs he needs to prioritize you like you said i think that's like the biggest um the biggest thing to have a conversation with him about and then i think he should then obviously have a conversation with his parents and it shouldn't be that part shouldn't be your problem right but i very much understand where you're coming from yeah it sounds awful yeah okay well best of luck we're sending positive thoughts your way

let's hope your boyfriend steps up yeah put me in coach hi so this has been on my mind for a while i don't know if it's like a big deal so anyways I'll get back into it. I was cleaning my boyfriend's bathroom, and I found a condom. Like, it was already open, and it was on the floor. And he was like, this is why I don't want you to clean my bathroom, and blah, blah, blah. Like, he got really defensive, and I was like, are you cheating on me? Like, tell me right now.

I need to know right fucking now. And then he said that, no, it's because I guess he has, like, a dildo or a butt plug, he was calling me, and that, like, he put it on his dildo and butt plug, which I don't have a problem with guys doing, you know, house play with them. I don't care about that. But that's not what he's doing. My boyfriend doesn't really, like, share that part of himself with me, so, like, I've never seen him do it, and I've never seen the toy, and I'm just like, okay, I accepted that excuse right then and there, but should I ask him to see his dildo or whatever toy he's talking about for, like, evidence so I know it's fucking real, you know what I mean? or should i just like let it go because i've been with my boyfriend for like almost three years and like there's more ups than downs you know what i mean anyways let me know what the hell i should do about that one thanks bye ah look i'm fine with the dildo i'm fine with the butt plugs what

i'm not fine with is the response this is why i don't want you to clean my bathroom yeah that's what is very yucky yeah um i don't have a ton of experience with um butt plugs but i've never heard you need to lie on the podcast fuck no i got ibs i'm not forgetting any ass shit um i should start an ibs podcast truly right yeah honestly it's just a constant journey i threw up i just like tried to eat a salad the other day and just immediately threw up me me with red onions i was like red onions are fine and then i was like oh no it's not my body is like immediately nope um yeah i i first of all i've said this before on the podcast but no matter how long you've been with someone it's not like

you haven't invested too much time and it's not like oh well there's more ups than downs um and i have a big issue with uh like pro con lists in that kind of sense because it's like you're weighing things like oh well they're all these they're these way bigger ups and all this stuff but it's like if the ups are like oh like he like he's really nice to me like he always like like kisses me good morning and then like the downs are like well he cheats on me it's like well that's actually like weighs a little bit heavier more um i don't think you necessarily need to ask to see the evidence like in order to like prove it or figure it out i mean my gut instinct is he cheated on you um but was there cum in the condom because if he's doing it just on his

butt plugs and it wouldn't be any come in it how close you inspect that condom that's a really good point yeah do you still have it you keep detecting ellis's on the case yeah i mean yeah i i don't like okay so there's two scenarios here one he cheated and made up this elaborate lie so that sucks and the other is that he's like keeping a huge part of himself and his sexuality from you and then is defensive when you try to to enter that part of his life yeah so neither scenario is great no and I think both I think honestly I think both scenarios are useful but it's only the only way you can move through either of those is once you guys once you have all the information and once like you are having open and honest conversations and I think you just need to like

sit down with him and be like hey I you like really need to talk about this um a it really hurt for you to be super defensive that didn't make me feel great and here I am like cleaning in your bathroom and i find this which i have every right to like question you about and like be upset and your reaction when i'm upset should not to be not being getting upset at me it should be seen like okay i understand why like you're upset about this totally let's talk about it and um because that's also just like it's just redirecting anger um and then you guys need to have a conversation and if it's i think he needs if it is the fact that it is like a toy and that's what it is i think he should hopefully be really forthcoming and show you it and all of that stuff

but then i think if he's still sticking to that lie i think you say okay can i like can i see it like can i like and i think again it's a valid question and if he wants to gaslight you and be like no my god like why are you trying to be like all up in my shit it's like well there's a like how am i like obviously i'm gonna try and figure this out and i think if he's embarrassed um and i think there is something that like a lot of men feel like shame about like anal stuff when they if they're not identifying it's i think a lot of like straight men feel shame about that kind of stuff and they don't have to but i think if that is the case like it i could see him being defensive about that but then also if he's refusing to show that to you i think you need to like be really

like blunt with like okay did you cheat on me like let's have this conversation and i think we said before on the podcast like i don't think it's makes a relationship doomed i think you can work through it but the bigger issue is how he's going to treat you and if he actually wants to work through it or if he's just going to like lie and gaslight you and do all of this other stuff i think you need to both be super super honest because there's no way you're going to be able to work through this and even you saying like or should i just like drop it and like you're not going to be able to you're never going to be able to drop it at this point unless you figure out what it is that he's actually hiding and then you can work through it otherwise i think you're just

going to end up like looking through his text messages and never trusting him and following and all of this other shit yeah like when you're choosing a life partner their personality matters a lot you know and their demeanor and how they handle certain situations and so if you sit him down and you're like look look at this situation from my perspective in your bathroom was a condom i know you didn't use with me like can't you see why i'm worried and if his reaction to that is like you said defensive gaslighting like that's a personality trait that is not going to do you well for the next 50 years like i don't you know like regardless of whether or not he cheated that reaction is very unhealthy and toxic and if he can't recognize that then i think that it's a

you got to reassess the relationship yeah you know because it's just like that's you just you don't want to you just don't want to have to deal with that for the rest of your life yeah not yeah and if he if it's a trait and a quality about him that i think a lot of people don't the most unless you're like a sociopath you don't necessarily know that you're gaslighting but if it gets to a point where like he has a breakthrough and it's like oh wow i don't want to do this anymore and he wants to go to therapy and work through it like that he can recognize why that reaction wasn't okay yeah and like that's a great sign you guys can work on stuff you can figure out what actually happened regardless but like really look to how this person

is responding to you and how they're treating you because you had every right to question that situation yeah and i also just find like extreme defensiveness usually um and when some yeah when someone's being like extremely defensive and redirecting that anger towards you it's because it's the thing that's worse you know yeah like you just don't it's just life's too short to deal with that personality type forever yeah and if he thought that i get and i even i'm kind of going backtracking on what i even said about how uh like some men might feel like embarrassed about this if you also know that and you have set that present in your relationship that you are like not judgmental and like you're totally cool with that kind of like it's not a weird thing

and you find the fact that he would be like so angry about and like defensive about that and you're like well that like why i wouldn't be angry like you know me you know i wouldn't be angry i think you also need to like put that in perspective and be like oh wow this reaction might actually be because he did cheat um and again yeah if he if he cheated and you guys want to work through it and not just you if he actually wants to work through it and he like wants to do the hard work and like completely improve your relationship and how he treats you then that's totally great but at the same time if he's not doing that the amount of years you put in it doesn't that that doesn't matter it's not like okay this i guess is what i have to deal with

now like this is who i've chosen um because yeah there are great people who will move past and like we say it's not about the events that i think take that i don't think it's about the events that take place i think it's how you recover and change from them and um so right so even if he cheated i don't like that he's lying about it yeah to me that's like a bigger betrayal than potentially the actual action no totally but yikes yeah inspect that condom if you haven't let us know let us know what happens and uh we're sending you positive thoughts and i hope it's and definitely don't clean up after this asshole yeah until he good god until he writes things let him clean your bathroom yeah yeah and just leave like a bunch of just a ton of

diaphragms yeah well we're sending you um good luck and let us know how it goes uh we're gonna go on a quick break guys and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we are gonna get into the rest of the calls i have this issue that i've been having i graduated college like a year ago and um I only slept with one person in college and I slept with like a handful of people now and I keep running into this issue where the idea of sex is fine like I get horny I masturbate I watch porn I talk like with my girlfriends about it like I'm very comfortable in that but then when it's happening I kind of like take a passenger seat to the situation like I kind of just do

whatever they want to do and I usually don't orgasm but I pretend like I do which I know is bad but i'm like a real people pleaser so it's hard for me to like make someone feel bad in the moment even though they don't really care about me that much um but just like some background um i wore a purity ring in high school not because i was super religious but because i watched porn at a super young age and was really guilty about it so i was like i'll do this for you god and then And when I had my first boyfriend, like, sophomore year of college, I was like, actually, I don't know about that. But then, like, two or three boyfriends later, I lost my virginity. But, like, we weren't in a relationship when I lost my virginity.

I was just kind of, like, ready to do it. So I did it. And that was fine. And then we dated for, like, two years. And in that relationship, like, I didn't really feel comfortable doing new things, even though, like, he really wanted to. and I don't know if it was like the difference in experience or not but like that kind of pattern has like continued now that I'm out of that relationship and out of college and like all these people that I'm sleeping with are people that I don't know very well um I've only been

on like two or three dates with them which could be a contributing factor but I also couldn't or wasn't comfortable doing it in like a relationship with the person I loved so I'm just like I don't know how to get more comfortable with it or like how to talk about it um so any advice you could give um I do go to therapy with my therapist as a man and I'm like kind of uncomfortable talking about it with him but maybe like I should because maybe that's the point so I don't know any advice you could give that would be great thanks get a new therapist you have to feel comfortable talking to your therapist about everything and um i like i would never have a male therapist so i totally get that but i think it would really behoove you to

to start with someone who you feel like you can talk through because this is a big thing that you you do you do need to unpack yeah with the help of a professional no yeah i i i very much agree and i think like again i'm not knocking like male gynecologist or male therapist or anything like that it's not about like anyone's gender it's about what do you feel who do you feel like you're going to be the most honest and comfortable with i try to interact with as few men as possible yeah i mean true it's yeah i mean i don't i i i don't disagree um but yeah i think they're probably i think a talking to your therapist a therapist about this could be like really helpful i'm sure that a bit there is a part of it that is like some guilt induced thing i don't have a ton

of experience with like religious like guilt with sex but i also think that there is um there's just as much as you've had sex you had your boyfriend that you had sex with and didn't feel necessarily comfortable talking about like what you wanted and uh what you like and all of that stuff and then it's like one not one night but guys that you don't know as well i honestly think that this sounds like pretty much every girl i've ever known like i like i never really i think there was a couple things that like I would like say what I wanted but kind of like in like oh like whatever kind of way with like guys that I've dated before I was in like a way longer way more serious relationship just because I felt more comfortable and I think there's something about

I mean there's not a lot of talk about like oh like women liking sex like women actually enjoy this too and these are the things that like get women off it's not about like achieving the female orgasm it's so much more about the man and so i think that if you're not in a space of um with guys if they're not asking you what you're into or what you like it can be kind of like well i don't want to speak up and say anything because like i don't like that kind of a thing um but i would say if you're going on a date with someone and you'd like you've only known them for like a couple dates and you're like well i want to sleep with them i said like why just fucking say what you're into say what you want like try it out and see what happens from there

but also if you're dating people who if you're not getting if you're not finishing are i'm curious are they going down on you is that something that you enjoy is do you usually find that when you're like masturbating like are you like more like clitoral stimulation are you more like penetrative and like all of that stuff because if a guy if i was hooking up with a guy and he didn't go down on me and like that was it i probably wouldn't feel comfortable asking for what i wanted because i'd be like well you clearly don't care like you're clearly like you're here for you you're not here for me it's like i've that meme where it's like a girl gives a guy a hand job and he's like yeah how was that for you and you're like what it's like oh did you finish and you're

like no um so i think that yeah i think you being with people who make you feel i don't know who make you feel like they care about your enjoyment of it will also do you mean because like why are you lying i mean i get why you're lying but i think that um a thing that you learn about yourself as you get older is what kind of sex makes you feel comfortable yeah and so for a lot of people they can have sex after two dates and it's not a big deal but you might be someone where you need to feel emotionally safe to enjoy the experience so i would for now while you're looking for your new therapist and working to unpack that i would make a rule sort of where you're not going to have sex with someone until you feel safe and what does safe mean to you like for me that means like um

a committed monogamous relationship like it might mean something different for you but trying to sit down with yourself and figure out what that is um because i think that i think you might end up kind of shooting yourself in the foot if you continue to have unsatisfactory sexual experiences because then it becomes a bigger and bigger deal in your head where if instead like right now you kind of like take a step back and you wait until you meet someone who you think hey i might be comfortable enough to talk to this person about this yeah um then i think you can kind of change how you view it because i know sex can cause so much anxiety for people and can become a really deep-seated issue and you're still really young and you know

you haven't had that many partners so i really think that i would be i'd be protective of yourself and of your body and wait until you're with someone where you think like hmm this is someone i could maybe talk to and then when that's happening it's not a comfortable conversation necessarily but it's a you know it's behavioral therapy it's exposure therapy like kind of forcing yourself to have that conversation when you do end up meeting that person and getting to that point with them yeah and we've talked about before and like the i think there's something that uh is actually sexy but also an easier way to ease into that conversation is like flirty sexting with someone and to be like oh what do you like and starting that like what do you like

kind of a thing um because i i think even also if you're not if you've only like if you've only come when it masturbating like or watching porn or things like that it's also it's very different getting when you're getting yourself off versus with a partner so you've never gotten there with a partner you may not know what you like no and that's totally fine and you could say that yeah and i've said before like i i had gotten close to like coming with different guys like mots is the like he literally wears it like a badge on his chest where he's like I am the I am the one man even with that like I then felt so much more comfortable in our relationship because it was so clear that he was like no this isn't just like this isn't just about me like I really want you

to get there I really want you to enjoy yourself and then it's like oh okay now in relationship to like being with another person what is it that I like that they do but if they're not doing anything for you it can be hard to just be like hey can you do like this is what because you also at the same time you're trying to ask for something but you don't even necessarily know what you're asking for you just know that like hey i would like if there were some more care and like compassion taken towards me enjoying this experience and not just you and maybe that is waiting a little bit longer when it is someone that you are also just more into and then also i think there's like building that anticipation of someone that you're like not looking at and being like okay like yeah

yeah i could fuck you it could be like i need to rip your clothes off right now i am like so fucking horny i really really really want you and then maybe from there you'll feel like that's like sexy and empowering and makes you feel um i don't know like more like you feel more desired when you can kind of like wait that process out and then yeah i think that there's just you just need to you it sucks especially when you're young that like some guys are just the like it's just like the worst it's a hit it and quit it mentality um but maybe the first step is uh maybe the first up is just next time you just don't fake it and then you see what that reaction is and maybe you don't fake it and they're like did you finish you're like oh no and they're like oh if they're

like damn man that sucks and then like they're done then it's like okay cool this is not a great guy but if it's like oh i'm like what is it that you're like let me go down on you like let me like let's do like do anything like that i think that could be a good exercise that's not necessarily asking for what you want outright but it's just not accepting what they're giving you and saying like yeah you're doing a great job because also no guys ever learn from that at all yeah and i mean i think that again like you kind of probably need to be a little further along in your relationship with someone for them to like really you want to be with someone i think who cares about you in an emotional level i think that that'll be a more rewarding experience for you

and the fact that you said you had this boyfriend but it didn't sound like it was the best relationship and the other thing that you can potentially do is bring in to the bedroom with your partner what you do alone oh yeah and bring and have that be part of of the experience because you know that that works for you and you can kind of show them that and and that can maybe like make you feel more comfortable and yeah they can pick up tips but I I really understand that anxiety and fear when it comes to sex I didn't say what I wanted or anything like that and I'm just gonna to tell you nothing bad's gonna happen like it's it seems so scary and it seems like whether it's like a slut shamey thing and i didn't grow up religious so i didn't have any guilt there but

i think it just wasn't a lot of women talking about what they wanted sex wise and i hadn't been with guys who really cared to ask me and then finally when i started saying what i was into and like what i liked and what i wanted nothing bad happened those things i wanted just happened and like there is there was no judgment there was no shit and i even think about it now it's not i like love i love moss but like it's not that he's so special that like oh wow every other guy would have had an adverse reaction it was like when i started like opening up and talking to him about the stuff i was like and i like started with other guys that i dated um i was just kind of like oh wow i could have been doing this so long ago like this is like it's it's like an

exciting like oh fuck yeah this is what you okay cool homework like i got this and even if they haven't been super considered about the partners that they've slept with before the first time that like they will make if they've never made a girl like actually come before and every girl's been faking the first time they make a girl like actually come they'll be like i am king of the fucking world like this is what i want to do now and so i think that there's um a level of inexperience that it makes sense to be nervous but i think also knowing that the people that you're sleeping with are probably also in this experience so it's just this combination of no one really like knowing to ask and then being like this is what i need and all of that stuff but

it'll i promise you it will get better you just have to you just have to like go for it and then realize it's yeah i i definitely regret not like being more like open and forthcoming with better other relationships because i was like oh wow could have and i was telling those i'm like wish i could masturbate when i was younger i was like all this could have been so much like more fun i wasted so many years of sex you're still very young you have a lot of sex ahead of you yeah yeah but i did i don't know i just wasted years of sex and so many i mean yeah majority of my number being like well okay fine this was fine i guess but yeah yeah and i found an article from a psychotherapist specializing in sexual disorders and she says a lot of the same

things that you guys were saying and like talk to him let him know your expectations for both of you and let him know that you're thoroughly enjoying sex with or without an orgasm like eliminating anxiety and changing your focus to being more relaxed um but i'll link the article in the show notes yeah and you know it's an easy thing to also you know if your sexual experience has always included porn you know that's an easy thing to bring into the bedroom to do together and that might be a gateway yeah step yeah um but also i i'm getting the sense to me that you probably do need more of an emotional connection and that's totally fine and valid yeah i think you've you've to feel comfortable around somebody or don't have to but i think it maybe you need to

feel comfortable around somebody in general before you feel comfortable naked which is like even more of a tentative uncomfortable feeling talking about something that's really tough for you to talk about why would you be able to talk about that with someone you've met twice yeah yeah yeah so try it out let us know how it goes i hope i hope you get i hope you get like one of those guys that's just like this is all like in that episode of sex in the city where the guy is like so great at going down on girls that's what i hope you get so badly we wish that for you yeah we wish good wet sex for you is our new motto yes nice good wet sex so best of luck hope you hope you come and come back call us back should we go on to the next call yep the next call

hey Megan and Melissa and Beth um so um I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months now we live together I love him so absolutely much like he is my absolute best friend um but we have this weird I don't know if it was weird for him but it's really weird for me um so it was actually on our anniversary um we got high you know our normal thing weed is a big part of our relationship um I love it I love having that like connection with him but um we got high and then it was like late at night and we went and we had sex but the whole time we were kind of like having sex I was having this weird like outer body experience where I was like looking at like us having sex and it didn't even feel like I was there like it was my body that was I was happening to um

And then, like, I was just, like, so, so turned off. And that's never happened before because, like, we've had crazy amazing sex. He's been, like, the best partner I've ever had. And I'm just, like, I don't know if I'm confused, but I've just been really off, like, the last few days. And I don't really know what to do. I don't know. I, like, I love him. And he's just been, I don't know, it's just been this weird...

big just not knowing what I'm feeling and like I feel like I can't really talk about some stuff um he actually just got a new car and we did it like with my mom and stuff like that and I'm in like desperate need of a car um but like he had his car paid off already and he was just getting it just to get it pretty much and I was just like well damn like I wish that was me um but like I also didn't want to be selfish and like ruin his day so it was all fun and I love that he's so happy he got his dream card like it's amazing but I've just been feeling like really really off lately and I don't know what to do and I'm running out of time so yeah please give me why are you running out of time oh they only have three minutes oh i thought she was like

i gotta make this decision i was like oh my god what's happening uh oh my gosh i'm literally just laughing are you saying that she's like it's do or die they're coming for me oh god wow i am i'm really i just i'm curious where the car part comes in because she's feeling off that she should have been happy for her boyfriend you're allowed to feel jealous of anyone at any time i think she's thinking it because of her out of the body experience with sex because i've i mean the only time it's ever gotten that high is when it was like laced with something and i found out later oh no what was it laced with um i don't know some hallucinogen oh my god yeah it was not a good time that also

ruined my experience and i thought i was like i just can't do weed anymore um and then i couldn't you can't do weed anymore no i can't do it anymore no but then i was like figured out that it was laced with something and then i was like okay well now i still can't like fuck with like anything because it'll just make me too anxious because i'm anxious it's gonna happen again and then i'll feel like i'm dying um i i think a scary thing that happens in relationships is that there's different um phases and so there'll be phases where you like each other the same amount phases where he likes you more phases where you like him more and that first time where you get the phase where you like it seems like he likes you more and can be like very unsettling and that's

my favorite phase no but i i know i fully i know exactly you're right and you're like oh no what's going on like i'm so used to being completely enamored with this person um but in a long-term relationship it's just not realistic and so i think you have to take the pressure off of yourself and just recognize that like these phases happen and just sort of like take the pressure off and then see how you feel in a week or two and if in a week or two your body is still like i'm not happy i'm not happy then like explore it yeah but it's you know you're gonna have off moments and you're gonna not always feel 100 and that's okay that's what a relationship is yeah no i think i think that's totally spot on um and i mean i think in general that seems like a terrible like out of

body experience because i've never filmed myself having sex but from everyone i know who has they said it was the worst decision they've ever made because it is the least sexy i disagree really so that's what i think because i love attention so i would feel like we'll have to talk more about that later melissa okay okay well this makes my like every person i've ever talked to is like no god because like it just makes it so unsexy before yeah oh my is that your favorite thing to do i wouldn't say favorite but i enjoy it um but i i think like there can be like i mean yeah i get getting like too high in a sense that like you kind of like you get like to the thing of what you're doing and you're being like oh my god there's a this is what and like sex can be very

unsexy like it can be super super unsexy also especially when you've been together for a long time and you do take off those like rose colored glasses like there can be like you can queef it can be funny like sex doesn't always have to be this like sensual super crazy romantic thing it can be like a horny quick like funny thing too um but i think yeah i think if this is carrying on oh i think yeah you have to kind of look at it imagine if you had this as like a dream as opposed to like think don't think about it as like a conscious thought that you had think about it like a dream if i get mad at mott's in my dream the whole next day fucking pissed at him and he'll like why are you mad i'm like he's some fucked up shit in my dream and i'll be mad for probably like

two days what a lucky guy oh yeah he's having so much fun um but then it'll go away and i think you need to look at it in that sense of being like okay this is a dream you had dreams aren't always real it's not exactly how you feel all the time but if that dream kind of like planted a seed in your head and then you're like oh okay this isn't getting better i still do feel weird i still don't have like I don't have these like feelings for you and like I just see you as my best friend and I really love you but I'm no longer like sexually attracted to you and that's what I want in a relationship then that might be it um and yeah I'll say eight months is like a good amount of time to be with somebody but someone can also you can love someone and they can be your best

friend and it can go from a sexual relationship to then not being so much into it but I think you need to like get like don't stress about those feelings like you said like don't get too anxious about them don't stress about them just like leave them there and then in a couple weeks if that's still like there i think it is something that then you should address and it's figuring out like oh am i still sexually attracted to my partner because i've had i that's like minus the high part so i'm saying this like treat this like a dream because i don't want to compare it to like how i am but this would be a conscious thought for me is that like i would be like i would literally wake up next to someone and be like wow I fucking hate you like I am not like I don't want you to

touch me with a 10-foot pole and like yesterday I was hella down to sleep with you and I do not want you to like not into it and then that for me would be like oh okay I'm done like I don't like you like that anymore but I think you just need to like yeah don't stress yourself out so much because yeah it could be it could it could just be like a phase in your life you were high so I you know I would take the meaning out of that specific experience because you were not sober yeah it's like a dream like it's like an unconscious thing so you know like give you don't put weight on what you're feeling and then see how you feel in a little bit um but also feelings change and there's and that's okay and i know it feels scary but just my sense is that

it's probably just you had a bad trip and now it's just you're wigging out over it yeah it's like it's like eating it's like eating some food and then getting food poisoning not from that thing and then you're like i can never eat yeah i can't ever eat three musketeers bars again so really they're not bad right i would separate how that experience from your actual relationship and kind of chalk it more up to like a bad trip yeah so have some like really hot great sex so then that's like the last most recent taste in your mouth but don't feel like you have to force that you know like you can wait until you're ready to do that yeah um because i think if you get into a habit of having sex when you don't want to have sex because you feel like you should then it will

just sort of snowball from there so really like listen to your body and maybe don't do it until you feel like you actually want to yeah and if you feel comfortable talking to him about it you can also talk to him about like hey that was weird maybe don't have high sex for a while because that can also be yeah i used to hear sirens every time i smoked weed i was like this is fucking terrible it was a crazy i'm done everything you say i'm like you would smoke so much when you were younger and you were afraid the cops were coming yeah got it All the time. All the fucking time.

Hotbox cars and just be like, they're coming. And also, like, I think about it and think of, like, back then, everyone's like, no, they're not. And now I think of, like, well, they definitely could have been because it's literally just a car parked in a driveway filled with smoke. Like, of course, like, this is, like, we were like, no, no, they have no idea. And I was like, are you sure? They might have had an idea but might not have cared because they had other things to deal with. They also weren't near me. The cops were nowhere to be, nowhere near me, but I was still convinced.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Is it time for Don't Blame Them? It is. okay so this is where a listener calls in with their own personal advice from a previous episode from a different call that we've had so if maybe they have out-of-body sexual um out-of-body sexual high sexual experiences but i mean not obviously not because i was this episode but what do we have so we have this original call was from the last episode we had with kelsey dara

and um the caller that called in was in a online bdsm relationship and so um they wanted to know if they should meet up they were like falling in love with the person they were in the relationship with and they wanted to like meet up with them and so this is someone calling in with some similar experience and they're also from australia like the person maybe it's the person i would love if that happen and they're like yes meet me or no I have a wife and kids hey Megan I'm from Australia and just saw the BDSM online relationship podcast and being in a BDSM relationship myself I know a few things about it there are some dom sub relationships where the dom does prefer to remain anonymous and there are some doms that prefer that because they have multiple submissives

and don't want other submissives finding out about it but I definitely think that they should talk to their dom from Australia about whether that's the kind of relationship they're looking for whether it is something that is purely sexual and not meant to have a full relationship like an emotional attachment and to make sure that if their dom does want to remain anonymous that they do respect their boundaries yeah bye good yeah that that sounds legit to me cool yeah i don't know i i have no personal experience with these relationships except for that time that i saw um fish it's great in the theater oh i saw the first one it was so boring yeah she was actually quite likable though

she was great i was i was like damn girl good you're carrying this you know like you're making this funny like light-hearted my entire hobby for 2015 was just looking up how much the two of them hated each other in real life that's all i would do is i just google photos of them looking so miserable i would hate i would but i i get it i would hate that i would hate him too if i was in that movie if i know the issue was that they both took these roles but hating bdsm and thinking it's a bad thing and like feeling shame about it oh so like they should not have been part of this movie yeah weird and it made them like really uncomfortable oh well yeah i could see that i mean then don't take the fucking role yeah but i mean especially so much money so many

movies right exactly did you ever read those books i read the first one and then like part of the second one and i just i was so disappointed same yeah i was poorly written and also like as someone who read a bunch of like fucking nasty fanfic as a kid i was like this shit is lame like i was expecting so much more and but i did love the era of when it came out and you couldn't go on a plane without seeing like yeah like an elderly woman with like the book being like i loved that that was a good time you know what i love um seeing adults eating ice cream oh that's cute so vanilla like yeah but like it's just so cute like just like on a cone yeah just like on a cone or just like by themselves just like treating themselves that is really cute

and the older the better that's my that's my hobby oh i like that um well that's it for our episode guys um allison plug your shit oh um if you liked my voice or just my general vibe i also have a podcast called just between us um where we give advice we talk to different experts in different fields and discuss random topics there's some game there's a game show element um very exciting so check that out anywhere you listen to podcasts that's all right i'm just joking says our producer she keeps us humble exactly um and if you guys want to be on an upcoming episode of don't blame me leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio

message at meganpodcast at gmail.com check us out on instagram at don't blah mean pod and uh our socials will be listed down below and then um yeah go subscribe on um itunes and all of that stuff and then we've got the video version on youtube if you want to see us in our cute sweatpants and we'll see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network