Don't Blame Me! - S4E9: Guest: My Best Friend Sydney - 5 Minutes of Slow, Bad Sex

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

I’m so happy my best friend Sydney is here this week to share advice. We’re answering your questions on if you should tell a girl that her boyfriend messaged you, getting over being scared after being followed home by a man, how to handle your boyfriend telling you you’re bed at sex, and if pegging is masculine or not. In Don’t Blame Them, a caller shares her professional opinion on taking your sibling to therapy.  References: Noonlight: https://noonlight.com/ Pegging 101: www.pegging101.com  Check out our NEW Patreon Community - https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @thesquidney www.instagram.com/thesquidney/  @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,’ PLUS exclusive bonus episodes. This episode is also brought to you by Amour Vert and SKYN Intimate Devices Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]  … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Get tickets now. oh my fucking god guys it's time for another episode of don't blame me but better yet our guest is my best friends with me hello happy to be here so excited i'm so excited this is also like for any of you who um kind of like the telltale sign or when people it's like a secret word to get into a club that people like if they come up and ask like and say like hey like are you megan and i'm like no i'm kidding i say yes um but people be like oh my god like how's sydney and then that's how i know they're an og yeah and like you really do like me because like you know my best friend who's like not on like you know the youtube yeah um and it just makes me so happy

and i you guys are all gonna be happy someone actually i told you that i was at the grove and someone came up to me and they're like you should have sydney on your podcast and i was like yeah we fucking should and then here i am so you're visiting for the weekend and i'm here and she was like i hope you don't mind but do you want to be on the podcast i'm like i love talking yes yes i'll be and you guys have heard me talk about her all the time yeah yeah like i feel like i know you like really well and i think i've met you like twice yeah i feel the same way about you too because i hear about you all the time i have a really small group so i like to keep it small yeah i like personal friends it's the best though because then when i introduce my friends everyone

likes each other like there's no one i have to keep away from anyone yeah yeah that's the best yeah that's that's all i except sometimes kyle but it depends on the mood he's in you know yeah yes yeah yeah um so uh well guys this is an advice podcast uh if you're new here if you guys want to be on the podcast leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international callers you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com and shout out to one of our opinion olivias rachel lynn hi if you guys don't know what that is that is our patreons our patreon our patrons and right now we're doing shout outs for people who are joining so um she gets a shout out which basically means she gets a gold star and everybody else who's listening you don't get a star you just

get this podcast episode but check out our patreon um find us there more content it's a good time uh and oh my god i'm so fucking excited me too this is gonna be great have you been on a podcast before i was just gonna say i'm a huge podcast listener i've never been on a podcast this is my i'm a podcast virgin we're taking my podcast virginity my podcasty flowering it's happening right here before your eyes so should we get into it let's do it hey uh megan so first of all love the podcast um i'm 18 years old and i'm gonna be a freshman in college next year and so i was just thinking about this like kind of story and I'd never really gotten advice on it but it's something I should get advice on so basically this past fall I dated this guy um he was my age and um

we dated and it was kind of like this weird relationship where we dated twice the first time he ended it because he was like I'm not ready for a relationship and then the second time it was basically the same story so I was like okay I'm done I'm good thanks but afterwards he texted me a couple days ago um well actually sorry a couple weeks ago and he commented on one of my photos and like direct message and commented to me and was like hey we should catch up and I was like oh well um I don't know if I really want to he asked why and I told him I said because it seems like you have a girlfriend on his on your Instagram and you have told me you didn't want a relationship but you know what like we can be friendly it's just I don't really want to mess

with that and keep in mind this girl was like posting photos with him saying like my boy commenting like hearts and being like you're so cute like they were obviously Instagram official and when I said that he was like what are you talking about I don't have a girlfriend and I was like wait what according to your girlfriend's Instagram and even your own Instagram you guys comment on each other's stuff and it was like recent it wasn't like it was a month ago it was like a couple days previously and I was like okay I ended up just kind of blowing it off and I posted it um in like a group chat and my friends were like maybe you should tell the girl but I ended up not because like I didn't just didn't want to meddle in their relationship

because like if they were to together and like the ex-girlfriend was trying to talk to her it just sounds like i'm just trying to like break them up when in reality he's just kind of being shitty so yeah give me advice should i tell the girl that this has happened or should i just keep it to myself i don't know i thought you would take it away nush so also nush is my nickname You're going to hear a lot of weird nicknames. Noshy Toshy, Squidney, Squid. Just all of them are me. Just know.

So back to the question. So here's the deal. I feel like you have to think about what you want the end result to be. And I know you're trying. I think it's very noble that you want to tell this girl. but coming from his ex-girlfriend it's just not going to be well received like I think she's just going to blow it off no matter what she might be his girlfriend she might think she's his girlfriend is kind of what it sounds like to me like maybe they've never really had that

conversation and she's super excited and here's my boy and xyz but I just don't think reaching out to her saying by the way he's talking to me I think she's just going to blow it off as like the ex-girlfriend trying to make it back in which clearly you're not trying to do but i think the end result will be more more of a pain for you than then for her or him actually i see what you're saying i'm gonna say the exact opposite but i'm with you because the thing is is like you don't want anything and you're right because i think like i agree with like you think about the end result and like you don't want anything from this right and you don't want anything from him you don't want anything part of their relationship

like you don't have I don't know you're not hoping for anything the only thing is just like to kind of like get it out there just in case and I if it was me if I was the girlfriend I would want it to I would want to hear that and also if I were you I would also probably do that and how I would phrase it is I would dm her and I'd be like hey um uh I I have no idea if you know who i am or whatever but like you're uh and say his name like don't call him her boyfriend or whatever it's like him and i used to hook up um or like we used to date he recently like reached out to me and i like we still follow each other on instagram or like i saw on his instagram that like he it looked like he was clearly dating somebody and i had said that to him and he said that he wasn't

and you can even say like i don't know if you guys are like friends and the captions are like just funny jokey stuff but like i just feel like i'm obviously not acting on this and not saying anything but at the off chance that you guys are dating like i just wanted to like just as an fyi like just is that not like hey he's a really shitty guy like this is what he did to me during our relationship it's just kind of like just saying it to say it because i think more likely than not she's going to blow it off but if something were to happen later on which it will her mind's gonna go back to this and be like oh yeah it's just planting that seed like i had a who uh had a girl dm her that was her boyfriend her ex-boyfriend but her current boyfriend at the

time it was his ex-girlfriend and she was like fyi he didn't tell me you guys still dating like we've still been hooking up and she was like immediately was like no fuck this girl she's totally lying and then confronted her boyfriend he's like no she's like so totally crazy and lying months and months after all of this they start the relationship starts getting really shitty she starts to just be suspicious and starts to like that she can't get that out of her mind was that ends up catching him cheating and he had been cheating and for her she's like as much as like i was so mad at that girl she's like it and like i was pissed at the time and like it didn't help me at the time and like her goal was to like have me avoid the situation she was like get the fuck out

of here with this guy and she's like and my anger was super misdirected she's like i didn't stop thinking about it like in not in a way that like it didn't ruin their relationship he ruined their relationship right but it was there to like the seed that made her feel like she wasn't crazy when shit she started to get suspicious of stuff so i think like i would just i would message and just say that. And even if you don't want to say that you used to date him, you don't even have to like say that if you don't want to, you can just say like, Hey, like he texted me and like started hitting me up. And I like checked his Instagram to like, see if he was single and it really looks like he's not. So like, I just want to give you a heads up and you can, yeah. And like, again,

I don't know if you guys are together. I don't know what your deal is, but if it was me in the situation, I would just, I would just want to know. And like, that's, that's all I would send the screenshots. Oh my God. A hundred percent. I would send the screenshots. It shows that he said, what are you talking about yeah that's not my girlfriend yeah i just think like the my i i don't think that like you should meddle in other people's relationships if you have stake in any of it and like you have you want it or like he's such a dick guy and like and he sounds like a dick and like it'd be nice to prevent another woman from dealing with it but again like some terrible guys go through phases and they end up with other girls and they don't treat them terribly like i had an

ex-boyfriend who like when he broke up with me the next girlfriend said he's the greatest guy I'm like what the fuck you so mean to me but give everyone the truth so that they can make their own judgment calls on it I mean the screenshots I actually think are a good call because then it's like she can't really blow it off because then it's there I'm very much like a I hate conflict

like retreat like yeah get me out of this like I don't want to be anywhere near this dude like sounds like he wasn't great to you I would just like distance myself and like take care of number one and be like you know what have at it like you're gonna do your

damage like that's not my business but that's just me like I would be like nope I don't want it like just put it over there let us know how it goes let us know what you choose to do I'd love to know if you want to slide into our DMs at the podcast Don't Blah

Meme Pod with some screenshots let us know hi Megan I have a really long story but I'm going to try to make it short I've been single for about two years now in October I started talking to a guy this went on for about five months it really wasn't that great um he kind of just wasn't giving me that

much attention i kind of felt like the side chick wasn't that great finally decided at the end of that five month period which was in march um to have sex with him it was the worst sex of my life um we now call him the five minute man because um we had very slow sex that lasted about five minutes anyway he has just now reappeared he's been texting me apologizing like crazy oh forgot to mention that he ghosted me after the five minute sex um and i was actually willing to keep continuing after that because i know that it's always not perfect first time but he goes to me he's now reappeared begging for my forgiveness i'm being such a bitch to him but there's this little part of me inside that wants to hang out i don't know why so my question um the obvious

answer is you know he probably won't change but my question to you is do you think there's any way he could change um he's not in the area with me right now so i know this isn't just like he wants to fuck but i'm not sure what his intention here is to waste my time more or something i don't know and being such a bitch to him and he keeps trying to talk to me still um I'm 21 by the way I know that matters this is Sydney

I have been there how many people have you given like guys have you given second chances to that literally never deserved it for the first one I have to count like so many and also there's easily six or more and almost all of them had the same one a huge group had the same name

four michaels and they were all bad they were all bad it was i thought you were gonna say at the same time no not at the same time i don't know okay you don't sidebar don't know how people date some multiple people at the same time i've never been able to have the times i don't have the time who has the time nobody like when people are like i don't know if he's dating other people i'm like does he have time like yeah okay anyway job yeah like if you have a job i don't know how keep that up but good for you if you can also can we loop back to the slow five minutes i just think that that is enough reason just like hold that on in your mind like what i wish i had done during this period of time when i was dating shitty people and giving them giving them second third

chances is that i wish i had wrote down bad things and then like when i was in my moment of like weakness or clarity when you're like starting yeah wrote them down in my moment of clarity for my moments of weakness when i'd be like well should i just like do it like go back because like i don't know such a cancer it's so cozy yeah like i don't know maybe what do i want and like if i had just been able to be like remember that he finished while going down on you i'd have been like yep i'm out i remember yes that happened to me was he jerking himself off i don't think so rubbing against the mattress i think rubbing against mattress which is actually worse in my opinion because like that's weird it was bizarre it was the most bizarre thing that's

also because you didn't finish did you no and he did and i was like it's cool it happens and i'm like that does and then your feet are just income like not my feet thankfully like it could have been my feet if i didn't know like i was like oh what what i like i was like taking a double take like is that what i think it is yeah it's what or the guy who cried who you're making out with him or the one who had like shit himself on the date oh god yeah these are different people yeah these are different people but this is so well okay i will say the shitting himself on the date that could happen to me that well yeah like he was like oh i have food poisoning and i was like we gotta get that check we gotta wrap this up and so we've left and then i did give him a

second shot after that because when i told people that's not his fault and i told people the story and i was like i went on the date from along came paul and they're like oh you shit yourself and i was like no i was actually jennifer aniston i know like i know i'm not jennifer aniston in any other way shape or form but in this scenario i was jennifer aniston and he was ben stiller but i was gonna say that the the term that or like the phrase that we use on the podcast so much was actually coined rather than the first thing one of the things i told you when you were dating them which was you have to figure out did you have fun because they were there or because you were there yeah so what you have yeah there's that like if you are someone who's conversational

and like who gets along with people like maybe don't judge your dates by like oh but like the conversation was good it's like well was the conversation good because you've talked the whole time yeah they have to use your question about yourself but anyway it sounds like first of all even before the five minute sex it sounded like long long five minute sex that this was slow no oh sorry slow which makes it long yeah that sounds like the longest five minutes that's like a microwave five minutes just like does he have a really long penis like just so long it takes him like 30 seconds to like pull out and then move back in like he's like he makes a semi-truck noise and then backing out like this is just bad also like

you can have better sex out there like even if he was nice to you like and the sex was bad like but it sounds like he wasn't a wasn't even great like it was already lackluster and you know i just think you know you don't date like it's a job that you're trying to keep like date like date like you're being selective like you're the interviewee and they're on the job like interviewing to be i wish you could have given yourself this advice yeah she's gotta live no but it's amazing she lived through it so now she i lived through it so i could give this advice it's so now she won't date five michaels she'll only date one just date one michael that's everyone's goal just date one but also it's it's like exactly like you're saying like there's there's no good part here we get so

many calls of the girls like oh my god he treats me like shit but like that dick is so fire and like i get how that's actually hard to pull away fire oh we've both been there where it's like he like shit but like this is so good and you're like yeah and it's convenient you're like oh but i'm busy right now like this is this is like easy i don't have to go to dinner first like i'm not increasing my number you really make like a dick appointment and then go and be done exactly it's not no follow-up it sounds like this isn't what she wants this is like he doesn't even live in the same place i doesn't live in the same place is it nice to you or gives you attention bad at sex i don't hear a trifecta of terrible things you can't be all of those things no also you have

to give me attention like that's almost the worst we know megan that's like it is literally like the worst worse than five minutes slow sex well i have one slow five minutes but like i could like i could see like five minutes slow sex being good but if you're not good at it then it's a problem right yeah also five minutes like but if it's slow in five minutes no have it be fast in five minutes because it's a quickie i don't know the five well five minutes if it's purposeful five minutes if i only have five minutes but if i have if this is like the first time we've done it and we've been dating for five months like and there was no like sexual tension build up for five months yeah like you're out you should have gone down oh yeah he's 100 he's canceled and i

also want to say just for the record like the fact that he goes to do after like he might have been embarrassed but like i wouldn't this wouldn't be necessarily my advice if he didn't treat you like shit too if this is a guy who's embarrassed and came really fast like that's not what this about he treated you like shit and then also you aren't sexually compatible like even if the sex was amazing i would tell you do not go back to this guy he goes to you it's not about it's not about the fact that he goes to you to like save his pride because he was embarrassed that he came so fast like it's not about that a lot of growing up yeah he treated you like shit it's not fucking worth it honestly it sounds like you're bored and you like having someone to talk to he's not even

nearby so like someone to text who's like flirting with you and all that stuff sign up for dating apps start talking to a bunch of different people even if you have no intention of meeting them just fill your texts and your time just talking to other people who are giving you that attention that's not him because you already know that he can't give you the attention you actually want but like you're able to like rationalize it when it's like oh we're just texting like you know it's just it's like oh ping my phone went off like oh okay like we're still kind of talking now you already know that this isn't gonna work so don't invest your time the best solve is a new dick yeah a couple of new guys a couple of new guys to talk to on to the next I'm 21 and I'm

calling because I have kind of a unique situation I guess so I just moved to a completely different state um literally 17 days ago and seven days ago Monday as in eight or nine days after I have moved um i had something really scary happen to me a guy followed me from my car up to my apartment building and tried to get it break into my apartment so that was not not a great time i had to call 911 and everything all that jazz make a police report cool um i guess kind of half of this question is how do you get over something like that i'm still really jumpy i live alone every time I hear noises I freak out I can't go outside when it's dark anymore um it's only been a week and a half but it's really altered like my way of life like I can't go grocery shopping

if I know I'll come back like at night I don't leave my apartment after I come home from work um but on top of that my boyfriend has truly been the best human I could have ever asked for he you know installed like a new security system paid for like a few cameras it was on my apartment now like I feel super safe you know um we're in North Carolina so we went shooting did the whole like um carrying class and stuff like that whatever but I just I feel bad because I feel like I'm taking up so much of his life I guess and he's giving up he got really behind us on of school like he's been really stressed out that's all because like that first week I couldn't be alone I stayed at his place basically the entire week and I just I don't know up to what

point is relying on him too much not enough I don't know he keeps trying to put it back himself he's like I wish that I could help you more like I'm not doing enough because I'm not helping you enough get over this I'm not doing enough for you but I tried to explain to him like he's doing way more than anyone could have ever asked of him so i guess i'm just trying to figure that out too and i don't just i'm afraid that this big stupid unfair situation is going to cause a real bad effect on our relationship and i don't know how to stop that from happening that's so fun first i'm so sorry that is so sorry that happened scary that's awful i would also be so jumpy and sketched out and scared like the way you the things that you describe like i don't do

that already like i don't leave my house once it gets dark like i don't go grocery shopping like any of that stuff and like that's just from me being like paranoid so i can't even like imagine how you feel from like like an actual like i feel like this is from that like a two-parter because one it is how do you how do you now heal after this horrible trauma has happened to you and then to the part affecting your relationship i think the safety one i said it in the last episode but there's this app called noon light which i've never knock on wood had to use but i found it through that's not what that's what is that one no that's metal that's the same thing that this is okay i knocked on it um but i saw like you see like i follow a lot of like uh like

feminist twitter accounts and stuff and it's a lot about like women helping other women stay safe it's basically just an app um where if you are being followed or you feel like you're in danger you're in an uber that won't let you out you open the app and you just hold your phone your finger on this like little button um and then it was as soon as you let go you've got five seconds to enter your passcode if you're fine um and then if you're not fine they'll they are already tracking your location as soon as you are opening the app um and then they will send police there and they will have someone to like talk to you and message you and even if it's like oh nothing happened but like i felt really uncomfortable they'll have someone they can like someone will message you

like someone will still come by and check even if you say like oh it's fine they're still gonna send somebody to check on you that's kind of like better it's yeah like an app for calling nine one because nine one they still follow up yeah and i think it's and it's also like if anything were to happen like just by opening the app and pressing the button you're already doing it you don't have to talk like if someone like knocked your phone out of your hand you have like five seconds to enter passcode they can't even hand you your phone in that time they're already going to show up like it's i i tell everyone to download it so i would say that i would say if you uh if you're interested in true crime and everything i would take a step back for now i would take a

step back from anything that's triggering um i definitely like what i'm in like a higher paranoia or just like higher anxiety like i don't listen to true crime stuff i don't my friend had like told me she's like oh my god i downloaded like this like police blotter thing about like all crimes in your areas and i downloaded it and i was like i had a panic attack that night and i was like we're gonna delete this from your phone so i would say surround yourself with like it's being smart and safe and cautious is great and i think no matter what you're always going to do that and i think what you need to do now is surround yourself with stuff that makes you feel like warm and fuzzy whether that's like like only watch comedies like watch funny tv shows

the good place friends brooklyn 99 nothing that's anything scary or like stressful in it and you know get like a nice new like fuzzy blanket and like drink tea i i don't know and no you have guns. So I doubt you also have weed, but like things that are going to calm you and like make your house feel, try it and make your house feel really safe that you're not trapped in there. And it's the only safe place that there is, but try and make it feel like, oh, I'm here. Cause it's cozy and I enjoy it. Like it's a chill, like, like you want to spend time there. Not that you feel trapped because like the outside world is like scary and stressful, you know? Yeah. And I think also, you know, give, don't have expectations of yourself right now. Like give

yourself the time and space to heal and say no to things that you have to say no to. And just kind of treat yourself like a toddler. Like I'm hungry, need to eat. Like I'm tired, go to sleep. Like just take care of like all the little things. And I think the healing will come with time, but it's also been a week it sounds like. And that is really recent. So just give yourself time to heal and also have low expectations of yourself. Like don't beat yourself up for not being able to do certain things or whatnot. Like just do what feels good for the moment and you'll slowly get there. I think I don't have luckily personal experience with this kind of trauma. So not necessarily speaking from experience, but I think if you're trying to

get over something difficult or you're going through a rough time, just treat yourself like a toddler like i also like let other things go like just think about like things that are mission critical like feeding myself sleeping um you know school maybe like let your teachers know if you you know need some space or whatnot yeah um for your relationship one thing i want to add though too you said that you'd done a shooting class i would also say a self-defense class would be really great that sounds good i feel like that'd be a good confidence builder i think it would too and i think also from there you could probably ask your instructor like hey do you know of any like women's groups or support like any like where we can like just talk like about that

kind of stuff whether it's like any like uh like victims of violence or anything like that where it's like you're just surrounded by other people because i think your big issue and this is what leads into the relationship part is that you feel like a burden right now and i think the more that you can like obviously not surround yourself with like triggering things but like put yourself in a place that it's like oh this i'm not a burden like this has happened to a lot of other people and like i'm strong and like i'm i'm gonna be okay and all these other women are okay and i have like a support system i think that is um would be really great too and i always always we always say therapy but i also know that's not necessarily um that's not available yeah

available for everyone but there's also apps better help always a sponsor it's a good one okay so about your boyfriend um i understand why you feel like a burden but i think you should listen to him when he's telling you that you're not like just believe him because you're not and also yes this is like a really big trauma and most relationships don't experience something like or maybe not most but like this is kind of more of a different case or for you like yeah for a new, a new thing that you two are experiencing together. And I think it's great that he's helping you and being there for you. Um, and if it weren't this, like there's always going to be life stuff that puts stress on your relationship. And so I actually think it's great knowing that

like when you're going through a hard time, he's very present and very there and like doing the most because now, you know, one that like he's great in a crisis and you can rely on him and have him be there for you and have him be a good support. And also you will, you know, you'll pay it forward eventually. Like he'll be going through a hard time if you're in a relationship for a long time, like you'll eventually be there for him too and be able to help him through something difficult. Um, I don't think he should feel like he's not, you know, doing enough because ultimately like no matter how much he puts security cameras up or um takes you to do things that make you happy and whatnot like it's you that has to do the healing unfortunately and he you know is doing a

great job in aiding that i think but i don't you know this is also a lot of like personal stuff too that you know i don't think he should be feeling like he's not doing enough yeah i i think you're exactly right i think you're projecting the worry of this your relationship like there you you know that none of this is your fault at all but there is something that happens when you experience trauma that like you feel like a burden and especially women love to assume and take responsibility for things that aren't our fault and you know this isn't your fault but like there is a part of you that right now is feeling like a burden with something that like a man would never feel like a burden to a woman who if he had been through some crazy trauma like this like oh no i

feel bad like this is something like he's doing what he should do praise him thank him that's being amazing and let him know like there's nothing more you can do your art you're doing amazing but don't i don't want you to be afraid that this is going to ruin your relationship because he's he's like stepping up to the plate and if you feel at any point like i don't know if you guys want to like go to like a like even if it's like you find like a uh like a group together to talk about that he's in school so there might be yeah you guys that he can go to at his counselors at school can go talk to someone together i would say i think it's so great to have him and be able to trust him and like let him in i'd also say that because you've had a great

experience trusting him and letting him in you can let someone else into like you can let other friends in and they can also make you feel like you're not putting it all on him because i i don't think that like it's a bad thing at all that like he's being a great support system but i think it would like it'd be great for you if like you know that your support system is more than just one person you can have these other people like you can have like he's got a test or whatever and he you know that he's gonna drop everything for you and be like you know i'm gonna go hang like sleep at like one of my friend's houses like i think you're gonna feel really supportive and great the more the bigger that you make that circle of people and of the people that you already know um

and i think i think like friends in general like when you're like if someone's in an unsafe situation like they're gonna want want you to crash on the couch and i think it's just gonna alleviate you feeling like a burden on you i mean like you're putting it all on him because i don't think that you are and i don't think that like you should feel guilty about that but like for your own psyche if it feels if it feels better to know that you have like three people to turn to or like anything like that or even like take a group of girlfriends and be like hey i'm gonna go to a self-defense class like do you guys want to come like a lot of i'm sure like all like a lot of your female friends would like love to go do that with you she might not have any though because

it seems like she just she just moved oh true well great place to meet friends i was just gonna say it's a better reason to go to a a cool thing like a self-defense class yeah or a workout class working out is great like just you know brings your stress level down makes you feel good and strong and like i always say like i work out to feel capable but yeah he sounds like a great guy and i'm like so sorry this this happened and also maybe um think about getting a dog oh yeah dog would be great yeah if you're allowed to have a dog well it could be an emotional support animal then they have to have a dog have a dog someone like just like you know i think that'd be really great i get messages daily people saying you should get a dog and i'm like i know i

should i kind of want you to get it i want a dog so bad we're gonna do it once we get back from europe in october we're gonna get a dog it's happening well now you said on the podcast now you gotta get it i've said it probably 50 times no but we're going to but i think that'd be great for you you know maybe even a roommate eventually or you could foster dogs if you can't fully commit maybe volunteer with dogs too i know someone who did that with uh muttville and she would just bring dogs home and she would like bring them to the office it was great oh i love that okay well i'm sorry this happened to you and i hope yeah you're on a path of healing yeah check back in with us let us know if you get a dog yeah sun picks yeah or just find other people's

dogs and just hang out become a dog walker and just hang out with dogs wag yeah do it okay we're gonna take a quick break we'll be right back so we're back from our break and we're gonna hop into the rest of the cows i am 23 and i've been with my current boyfriend for about a year and a half um we do live together um and we have a bit of a situation so um we've both been with multiple partners um we both had active sex lives previously um and that's no issue for either one of us we're both happy with that situation and that we kind of you know got our jollies out and now are happy being in the committed relationship um and in the past I've this is I'm just gonna come out I've always gotten positive reviews if that makes sense

I've always gotten guys saying oh my god that was amazing um you know I've had guys that are like you're the first person to get me to come like that you're the first person to get me to come through doing this thing and that's always been a really a confidence booster for me knowing that or believing that I was good at sex because I had never gotten any complaints I had only gotten positive reviews from the guys I was sleeping with and now a year and a half in he hasn't complained previously but now he's saying that I am not actually good in bed that that was just in my head I guess and he asked me he was trying to be sweet about it but he pretty much was saying that like I need to start doing kegels because I've you know gotten loose which I've been doing

because like okay that's fair but then also that like I bench his dick when I come and that hurts so like I need to not do that which I obviously I didn't know that was happening but now I'm so insecure about it and I don't even want to have sex anymore because I'm scared I'm horrible at it and I'm also freaked out that now he's gonna cheat on me because why would he stay if it's so bad oh my god he's just got a weak dick yeah and also like straight up though like and i say this out of like love because i would want someone to tell me this he is trying to get you to break up with him like that's why he's saying this this isn't like also all of a sudden you've already moved in together and you've been together for a year and a half and it's like hey i know it's been

countless times of fucking but you've lost it like that's not a thing no like and you're worried that he's gonna cheat on you like this is him this is him like this is a weak ass dick move of him trying to get you to break

up with him so he doesn't have to do it like that's also FYI just so you know and anyone listening that's not like you don't loosen a vagina with a dick like that doesn't happen at all like yeah at all how vaginas work and also i want to talk about let's talk about tampons for a second i know that we talked about there's a wide set mean girls like i have a heavy flow to wide set vagina cut

the second part out if you have a heavy flow you need a super tampon that does not mean that your vagina is large that doesn't mean anything that just means that like you're bleeding a lot and you need more than like a very small like i tomorrow's my day too but you bet your fucking bottom dollar i'm gonna be wearing a super jumbo tampon at disneyland like he's contradicting himself he's saying that she has a loose vagina but when she comes then it bends his dick yeah like that doesn't make sense nothing about that try and lie better but guys are also i'm just gonna throw out there with your previous reviews like you have hundreds of great reviews and one like one liar consistent yeah it's a yelp reviewer who never actually got a service done

there yeah and that's when we call we get it removed yeah you call and you get it removed because it's not a legitimate review like he's just kind of like trolling your yelp page essentially yeah which but not to be insensitive to the fact that you do live together it sounds like that you know when you break up and you live together obviously that takes a bigger toll because it's not just over you also have to like find a new place to live and split the cost of the couch whatever like all the bad logistical stuff that comes with living together um but i just think there's no way he was sweet about that like that's so mean there's no nice way to say that and it's also just bullshit because also like there's a difference between girls finally

admitting like by the way you've never made me come i've been lying then a guy's like you're not good anymore it's like well bitch you've been coming for the last year and a fucking half like you mean this is bad like you're you're coming you're finishing like it's like no it's in the literal pudding oh my god literally like unfortunately they can't fake it no like like at all and also it's just there's physical evidence or there's not or there and and on top of that like if he if this was truly like he felt like you're like he wanted to spice up the sex ever felt like it was getting a little stale or even if you were like trying out a new technique or maybe even it took him a year and a half to admit that like he doesn't totally love the way

you give him blowjobs like he still gets off but like it's not his favorite he would like give you gentle instructions and directions while it's happening and just be like or like i want to trust thing he would never say like you're bad at this and like you need to start doing kegels because that's not constructive the kegel thing is just an insult that's not constructive and also like boys don't understand vagina so like don't like he doesn't know what the fuck that means like he doesn't know what that means at all you want to tighten your pelvic floor that has nothing to do with the tightness of your fucking vagina literally people tell women to do kegels when they're about to give birth because it helps them push a baby and also it helps you if you

have a weak pelvic floor like so you don't pee yourself you do jumping jacks yeah like that's not it's not gonna yeah that's also not gonna make you better in bed no whatever but also like they're like outside of this there's also like a good constructive way to like have open conversations about sex and what you want and like i don't think we're not saying you know don't speak up if there's something you want to try like something that you've had with a previous partner that you want to like bring into i mean obviously you don't think this one guy did this but there's like a gentle way or you know a real way to like have construction conversations about sex and also give direction in the moment too but this is actually just kind of like mean like this sounds

mean spirited to me i don't think it's about that i don't think it's about trying to change anything i don't think he's trying to like help like help your sex life or like help you help him get off the way he wants to this is him being mean to you and making you feel like shit so you break up with him because he's having cold like he doesn't want to be with you anymore and it sucks but like you have to, because like, no matter how terrible, like any, like, like no matter like any like issues in a relationship or whatever, like this is something that's off limits. I, I personally think like if there are certain things, if you say to me, you say something that is so incredibly mean, like it has no, we're not progressing our relationship. It's not helping us. Like then it's

done. Like you can fuck up and make mistakes and do stupid shit. But if you're mean, like mean-spirited and all your and your goal is to hurt my feelings like that you don't move like that's insane that's a child acting out like what are you what the fuck did you do to him at all and like it's just such a fucking low blow but you need to break up with him you also need to tell him that he's a fucking tiny penis or weak penis yeah bent it yeah it's like oh i'm so sorry it's like a little pipe cleaner i try so hard but like it's just so fragile and tiny and not hard enough yeah yeah like it's just like so soft and small my vagina that's not tight enough is still like breaking your penis that means that you have a really vagina it's breaking it oh

because it's like what it's just like it's like a wet noodle i can't fold it up be like origami that dick like i'm just like imagining this like squishy like velocity man being like yeah you're not tight enough it's like you're not big enough yeah you're falling out like yeah i just think like this so sucks and i also think like women have such like everyone always says like oh vagina tightening tightening like and that's such a huge thing like girls literally always lie anytime a guy's like uh tell me my dick is huge like it's huge he's like choke on my cock you're like every woman in the world deserves an academy award i'm just gonna throw that out there like we all have it in us to put on a performance but that's also something like no matter how upset you

are with your partner like you don't go there you don't go there with like and anyone who goes there and is going to like like like be an asshole about like your body and especially when in regards to sex when it's something that like women already get shit on for sex all the time and then he's gonna turn around and be like you know what you're not even good at this but like i want you to continue to fucking blow me maybe he's just an asshole he just wants blowjobs all the time he's a selfish dick that he wants you to be like no let's like go like let's have like sex 101 so like now we have to have sex like 50 fucking times a day like he's just being a fucking asshole and i think you need to break up with him because i don't think your fear should be

oh what if he cheats on me like your fear your fear should be oh not even fear it's just to be a realization like my boyfriend is a complete asshole i need to break up with him like it's not gonna get the thing the idea they're like oh well what if what if something else happens this is already bad like get out before anything else happens that's gonna make you feel even worse but this is like this this you the line is done also let's get back to the fear of cheating on me like that's not a good feeling to have in a relationship like you there's also like sounds like maybe some trust that has now been like broken down by like his really mean low blow comments and like you know this is like it's not good that's not good either like you shouldn't be

afraid that you know now that you know there's maybe this like one piece like this little bit of friction like oh now he's gonna go elsewhere for it and that's the idea that like supposed to be like in it together hi megan and melissa um so i just have a kind of it's not a problem it's not a relationship it's a problem with me um my boyfriend we've been together for two and a half or three years and he's um I'm 20 and he's 22 and he's very manly and you know like knows how to work on cars and all that just like very you know very much a gentleman just like you know I'm a man and um he has expressed interest in pegging which I don't have a problem with doing not for him if that's what he wants but i i think i want advice on how we haven't done it yet and

i'm worried that it might make me feel or like it might make him seem less masculine to me and i don't think i'm not sure if that will happen but it just makes me feel a little hesitant um he's not pressuring you to do it at all he's very like on my own time but I don't know I think that's one of the biggest things I'm worried about even though I know I shouldn't be worried about it so I guess if you have any advice of how I could like get over it or just yeah I don't know i'm gonna be honest with you i think you've got a toxic masculinity issue um and i think like i think it's a lot more common than um women like to admit that they also have that and media it's the same reason why guys are looking at girls with um like porn stars of all

of that and like we're comparing our like women that are comparing ourselves to these types of women and then men are comparing ourselves to those types of women the media is not it doesn't it goes both ways men men have an issue with toxic masculinity within groups of men and feeling manly and strong and all of that and then the media has also made us as the heterosexual women feel the same way when it comes to like men like manly men um and i don't want to be an asshole it's a you problem it's not like it's not like oh if if you're if you're not into pegging if you're not into anything that's like that's totally fine yeah if the issue is the masculinity and that that's what you're worried about it's not like oh you know what like things i'm not

into a threesome i'm not into a threesome two dudes would totally do it but like another girl like too jealous wouldn't do that but like that and that's okay like any any whether it's like a fetishized thing or like anything you don't have to be into what your partner's into but the issue is it's it's not the sexual act that you're worried about it's the fact that you're worried about him appearing more less masculine and the fact that like he's had to get over his own toxic masculinity to tell you this something that he would want to do that is perceived like this you're kind of perceiving it in his worst fear way and he felt comfortable enough that you wouldn't do this and i'm glad that you didn't say it to him and that you're calling to say it to us

but for some relationships i say like when it's a sexual thing i'm like you know what you're not you're not matched up this isn't the right guy for you but this is an issue of yours this is an issue that of how you how you think that men are supposed to be and it's not it's dated and it's something that you need to get over and it's not like you don't need to find a really manly man because like you're perpetuating a toxic masculinity that's saying like okay well no like you're then you need to make sure you need to go out and you have to get big ass tits like you have to like be like quiet and speak when spoken to and all of these stereotypes of a woman like that's not fair like and you also can't hold that to men in the same way that like we don't want

that those stereotypes held for women and it's not fair um and i think i think you just need to like i think that's your own issue that you need to figure out that like why like what also what the fuck is masculinity someone defined that for like people have just like the media controlled what that meant like yeah in an alternate universe masculinity could mean oh i'm really into wearing tights and eyeliner like it doesn't there is no actual meaning behind the word that we haven't created and it's like just this fake idea like what does that mean to you like if it means that you want someone who's going to like protect you that has nothing to do with his masculinity you want someone who you feel safe around nothing to do with his masculinity any like emotional

supportive traits that aren't having to do with like the physical or just like the concept and idea like that's not masculinity at all like that you like it's just a fucking obsolete stupid term that should be like abolished and like it just and I say this because like I don't know you might hate me after this but like I just think like you care about him and you're saying your issue isn't with the act it's of like what you're gonna think of him afterwards and like imagine if he said that about you like what if like he like i don't know like you like had said that maybe he wasn't into sex before marriage or whatever and then he's like well i'm really afraid if i have sex though i'm gonna think she's like a dirty slut and like i can't marry her like what the fuck like do you

like it's just not fair because like you're it's this person that you really really like and you really care about and this one thing is gonna be like i don't know if i can look at you the same like also are you gonna have kids together is he gonna fucking watch a baby come out of you and he's like i was just gonna say like also sex is messy like it's just sex is just messy and i don't think we need to put different acts in boxes and tie that to like who the person is on the inside like sex is you know like a you know a thing that like brings you both together and it's intimate and like it's a really important part of relationships and I think the fact that he expressed like his wants and needs means that you know he's really comfortable with you it sounds

like he has like a high level of maturity because he also knows what he wants and is able to like express that to you and I think to think of him differently because he like expressed what he wants that's not really fair also like who's to say what he wants is like masculine not like right anyone can be into anything and so you know if you don't if you don't have an issue with experimenting with it or trying something new then you know you can go into it with caution and if you know and try it out or not try it out like that's your that's your you know on you but i think to also you know if he did feel less masculine to you like would you be less attracted to him like would you not want to be with him like it sounds like he you know is a good dude

like you've been dating him for a while like it sounds like you two have like you know built a foundation over two and a half to three years also i just i think what's funny about like the two and a half to three years i think we're gonna hear that like more and more now because people are doing that like exclusive but not in a relationship like what does that mean we haven't defined it it's like the bachelor it's like we like i think i'm starting to maybe potentially fall in love with you maybe like oh my god they said and like all the other person here's it's like love like there were so many qualifiers in front of that word but also I just think that part is funny like two and a half to three because I think people are gonna start to do that like oh the

anniversary of our first date it's like well I also was like dating three other people then and like texting five other people and then we also didn't like lock it down to like six months later yeah very true anyway i just don't think you know him feeling less masculine to you that just seems arbitrary to me pleasure doesn't define your sexuality i'm glad you didn't say this to him or hope you didn't say this yeah um and sought out more information and i think you know keep learning yeah keep educating yourself and you know be open to talking about it with him too but don't tell him you'll you know yeah see him differently and have a conversation like a conversation with yourself and be like what am i afraid of like what am i actually afraid of and

like what am i attracted to him about him and what's gonna change i think it's great that you two have like built a foundation of trust and that he feels comfortable enough to like ask you for that so kudos for that yeah keep asking for you know more information yeah there's a website called pegging101.com and i recommend you check it out check it out check it out also we had another call about pegging and i think we got a lot of people who with positive reviews being like don't knock it till you try it yeah and it's like empowering move yeah yeah i forgot don't knock anything till you try it yeah yeah there was some tv show and i can't remember what it was but it was like this group of guys and like the manliest quote-unquote manliest guy that was in the group

was like there's nothing more manly than getting pegged ah very true yeah that makes sense i don't know everyone should remember what it was oh yeah now i want a good one um well i hope you continue to listen to the podcast i'm only saying this tough love because i also don't think you're a total ignorant like asshole i think this is just like you know you're learning and i think you're learning and i think that there's like room to learn and grow and i think that like you want to so i don't hope you're not mad at me but if you are just know that i say this from like a place of like tough love because i think that we can all improve and do better in this and even me like i Like, I always, for the longest time, I was like, I'm going to date a guy who's like 6'4".

And finally, I was like, why the fuck do I fucking care? Also, you can't 69 if you're 6'4". Oh, okay. Is it time for Don't Blame Them? Okay. So, Don't Blame Them is a segment where listeners call in with their own personal advice on previous episodes. So, someone tried pegging, maybe they have some input, any of that kind of stuff.

Cool. What do we got today? So this is from episode season three, episode 26 with Aislinn. And the original caller had called in because she thought that her younger sister needed counseling, but her mom was against it. Oh, yeah. And so this is someone calling to share advice. Hi, Megan. I am calling in regards to your most recent podcast with Aislinn to give some advice of my own.

I wanted to call and get some advice on the caller whose younger sister was very depressed, but their very, like, old-school Catholic mom is basically refusing any sort of therapy for her. So I'm a pediatric ER nurse for my job, and so I actually deal with teens who have mental health issues very frequently, actually, and I see all sorts of ranges. with the parents, too, in regards to their support with their mental health. And it's really sad that there are just shitty parents who just are in straight denial that their kid isn't perfect, like Aislinn said, which makes me really sad. But I wanted to give a medical and kind of legal standpoint for this call. So I think that the advice of going to a school counselor is great. every school should have some sort of school counselor that she can go to and that she can

talk to. And if at any point her sister feels any sort of suicidality, she needs to be telling that school counselor because school counselors, medical professionals, everyone in those sort of areas of public service are mandated reporters. She can't tell that school counselor that she's feeling suicidal and the counselor not be able to call 9-1-1 and say, you need to go to an emergency room for emergency evaluation because she's at imminent risk to herself. Um, and so if she ever feels like that, she should do that. And once a child is in the ER, it makes the parents, it makes it a lot harder for the parents to be able to deny necessary medical care. Um, Because now you're surrounded by doctors and nurses and social workers.

And it just makes it a lot harder for her to be an ignorant asshole, to put it frankly. And from that point, if they're still denying her medical care, then it possibly becomes a DCFS or CPS, whatever you guys call it in your state evaluation, where we could get them involved. if they are still flat out refusing necessary medical care because that falls under the realm of neglect i think that's what a lot of people forget is um that dcfs is not just for abuse but also for neglect um and denying your child of necessary medical care is neglect which is sad but very often seen um and i've called dcfs for this many times before too so i hope this helps first of all like you're amazing like i love i can't believe that you listen melissa and i always have this when someone calls in it's like oh i'm a therapist oh like i do this thing i'm like can

you listen to our podcast like i feel not to make this about me and like me feeling so honored but like this i don't know that's like it's like a high form of validation yeah it feels like the biggest kind of like no offense to anyone who's just like a college kid who like listens to podcasts but like when someone who's like in a position a professional yeah that's like of stuff that we kind of like touch on i think it's great um and that is great advice i never i i mean i never even thought which makes sense though but I never even thought that you could call child protective services for neglect and not

taking your kid to therapy or a psychiatrist if they need to is considered neglect and child abuse which it is and I think that's like I mean I think that's like amazing obviously you don't want it to get to a point where she's suicidal and like having to

go to the ER or anything like that but like I think if her older sister listening I think like that's like at least there's like if it it's if it gets that bad that's probably the worst it can get before there's other intervention like there isn't there's going to be a line in which like something's going to have to happen if it gets to that point um but yeah that was really helpful that's good yeah legal advice too that's like nice to know that like oh this is how you also

like navigate those services and stuff because i think you know on the day-to-day you're just like thinking about this problem you don't think about like the greater services that could be out there to help you or know what's available to you yeah or even like this like the like not the just like the ignorance and like not awareness of mental health it's so like it can feel so all encompassing but then it's like oh no medical professionals like those are people who are like no no you this is something that has to be done this is our field this is the medical field this is like we know how the brain works this is all of that stuff the fact that like that that's i don't know that it's like you can feel like very alone in that and feeling like oh i'm like crazy

or whatever but it gets to a certain like level or a certain point where you're in the hands of the people who are there to tell you like your health and all of that stuff like those are the ones who are like no this is a necessity this is something that has to happen and like parents or any adults who say like no you don't need this this is like whatever it's whatever the only person who can determine if you need that or not even necessarily need obviously you but like a doctor like a doctor is someone who can like actually has the credentials to stand by a statement like that and also can valid like be more of like a validating voice um than you know like you trying to stand up for your sister to your parent um like maybe she just needs that

outside i don't know the situation because i wasn't there for the episode but i will say like i think having validating voice and a professional voice yeah that could be helpful as two people in therapy we talk about how much it's being validated is great oh being validates the best it's the greatest feeling in the world all i ask for all the time just ask give me validation well oh my god that's it for our episodes cindy thanks so much for being on this was great i love nice cancer yeah i try you're so nice my best it's remarkable that we're still friends because you're so nice you're nice sometimes did you laugh i just had something in my throat you're nice um do you want people to follow you on instagram sure go for it go

follow nothing you're still the squidney right yeah still the squidney it's just my life it's nothing interesting no it's really great it's i love it it's very interesting to me it's just me doing my thing doing her life all living doing all that shit going to farmer's markets everywhere i go it's really cute that's really what it is i like your instagram whoa no it's a talk about validation oh gosh um uh well guys i hope you enjoyed this episode if you have some issues in your life and you want our help give us a ring a ling leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can leave us an audio message and email it to us at meganpodcasts at gmail.com patreon check it out we're there we have so much more to offer now um lots of things there

and um yeah lots of bonus content fun stuff and then follow us on instagram don't blah meme pod and everything else is in the show notes check it and we'll see you guys next time bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network