Don't Blame Me! - S5E10: Guest: Tiffany Del Real - Hooked Up with Friend’s Crush

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Tiffany Del Real is here the weeks to share advice! We're answering your questions on what to do if your friend doesn't invite you to their wedding, finding out why your boyfriend won't let you meet his ex that he's still friends with, being on your friend's no bang list, and leading a guy on. In Don't Blame Them a listener shares her advice on selling feet pics.   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @real_tiff https://www.instagram.com/real_tiff @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today as we go through our is it is gamut a word yeah like the gamut of the gals from big mood podcast yeah we have tiffany here and you're also a host for jk news and you have a family channel which um you guys missed the great joke right before we started recording that i want a family channel and melissa said you gotta get a family first zinger painful right in the ovaries well are you married nope oh i thought you would be girl you're such a catch oh my god thank you i have a boyfriend but oh we're not you guys have been together four years so it's a family i know family i literally yesterday i was like are you gonna like propose at some point he was like oh yeah for sure and i

was like oh thanks so much is he the one oh yeah we're gonna we talk about all the time i constantly like i'll quiz him like in like quiet moments at our apartment and i'll be like what kind of what like engagement ring do i want he's like uh and then like listed off my good call but he like is now under this new thing his friend proposed to his girlfriend but he really wanted to be like a massive surprise which also kind of almost backfired because he like really told her like yeah i don't really like not into marriage and all that stuff and then she was like sad but then she was like you know what it's fine i really don't care and then she's like talking to me about it i'm like shit dude he's like gonna propose in like a week that reminds me of like

monica and chandler that's literally what it was like he like went too far with the backtracking of it but he proposed with like a placeholder ring to really surprise her and now that's what moth wants to do and i was like that's i can't get a good picture of i said yes with a place right exactly yeah i was like i'll just try them on he's like well that ruins the surprise i'm like well i don't want to be surprised that we're getting married like i don't want to be like shocked like have you heard of those weddings where like the bride doesn't even know like the girl doesn't even know she's about to get engaged and then this guy sets up an entire wedding with her family there and then so the moment she's engaged for like two seconds that's

so mean i know like no yeah let me have the attention you dick did you ever did you watch anyone watch uh the fashion ambitionist i think she was uh an instagram girl who used to work at goop and i say instagram girl lightly because she wasn't an influencer she just was a girl with an instagram who worked for goop who like really wanted to be a fashion blogger and had like old family money like went to the hamptons like love check fancy dresses i don't know exactly all that shit 100 she's white can you tell and she like got like a had a whole proposal i say proposal in quotations um because it got released later on that there was like a deck for the proposal and they pitched it to all these different brands yeah and i was and apparently

she got fired from uh goop but i don't know that part i don't know if it's been confirmed yet but the whole thing and then he did the same thing where like the whole engagement process she like it ended up with them in paris and then they got married oh at the same time okay that's a different story then because i don't remember her working at goop or the married thing i think it is the same girl though it just was like a week and a half long process it took so long and i watched every single fucking story you did that was a lot of stories and it was like she called it um his name was gabe and it was there was something with gabe in the hashtag and like he sent her to like essentially like a soul cycle class or a flywheel class and i was like bitch if that's

part of my engagement scavenger hunt i'm fucking out you need to make me yeah i'm working out i don't want to go like spin for this like you're a dick true um this is an advice podcast if you guys are new here if you want to be on an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com so shall we give some advice let's do it advice i need advice it's part of my life like just dish it all out i can't take it hello megan i'm 25 years old and i think i need help i have this friend she's friend of my four years she's actually actually a close friend she is in arranged marriage uh she's still engaged but it's very common here and she was fine with

although I don't agree but I supported her because she's my friend. The whole thing started as she liked the guy and he's fun to be around with and whatever. Then fast forward to last month she told me that she views him as a friend and it was like a red flag for me but I didn't say anything about it she was fine with getting married to him so I didn't want to interfere after that the last five days she told me that um they're getting married so she told me in a period of 10 days and I was really shocked because no one decided they're getting married in next week or whatever so I was surprised then I asked her what's going on she told me that her fiance decided the time of the wedding and she didn't have any part of it which is

really weird and it bothered me but sometimes I'm that friend that I want to support my friends and love them no matter what I don't want to judge her with her choices she's an adult she's 26 so she's I think in her right mind to decide these decisions until she told me that I'm not allowed to come to her wedding which is really upset me because I viewed her as like a best friend and a close friend for years and we've been through a lot so I think I need help with that because I don't know if he's abusive or he's controlling or I know he doesn't like me but maybe that's that please give me help holy shit girl yeah wow that's so much yeah that's being like yeah we're just friends but we're getting married in 10 days by the way you can't

come yeah and then it's an arranged marriage which apparently is common where she's from damn that's intense because i get i could hear it in her voice how hurt she is as a friend because she's like she cares so much about her friend and she's trying to trying to be there for her but she's also giving her her space it's a tough place to be yeah and i mean i don't have a ton of i mean i have no personal experience with arranged marriages but from my understanding the arrangement comes from usually your parents are arranging it for you and so i think like at the end of the day as much as it sucks i don't think as much as like her husband has to say and but it to me it seems like there are other puppeteers in the mix of like the parents and it doesn't sound like you

caller doesn't sound like you are having an arranged marriage and so maybe you have more um i don't want to say biased against it yeah or like you you grew up with like parents who like were pretty anti it and i don't want to like say one's more progressive or one's more modern than the other and so if you grew up with like more a more modern upbringing then it might be something that like i don't know like i've always thought about it when i i didn't grow up religious i desperately want it i like wanted to be jewish so badly really and my parents were like that's not how judaism works i was like i really want it all of my friends were jewish i could but like as a child there was like there was no way my parents were like you can be a buddhist if you

want to and i was like fine whatever white school white judaism because all of my friends were jewish and that was like the primarily everyone i grew up with was jewish and i also i was jealous because they all had hebrew school they all got bat mitzvahs and then they like would always be busy on friday nights and i was like i'm like fuck what am i oh and they all went to jewish summer camp and i was like i need something to do you had fomo yeah but then i like at one point was like i'm just gonna like be christian or whatever and then it like didn't work because like i was you know a kid who like wasn't educated and all of that kind of stuff and it just wasn't like my thing but it's like kind of like the same thing of like not believing and i don't say this

like knock anyone's like religion or whatever but it's uh and if any kids are listening if you're listening around your kids i hope you're not but it's like when you know that santa's not real and somebody else is like no santa's totally real and you feel like you're kind of like uh what is this sort of thing but they're so in it and i think it might be like that with that arranged marriage like you can see it from a totally different like perspective than she can and also just the option like i don't think she really has a choice and an option and i don't want to speak on arranged marriages because i don't know but i would also assume and this could be ignorant of me to assume that an arranged marriage also might not necessarily be the marriage itself

might not necessarily be uh progressive and balanced in like the female and male's voice of the household all right like in a like i would assume that the man it is the man of the household he makes the rules and it is more of like a submissive part on the woman which makes sense as to why he would pick the date and say no that that one friend that i don't like can't come yeah it sucks and so i think and he probably knows that she that the friend doesn't approve of their arrangement as well yeah she probably hasn't or like the the friend the her friend probably express that since she did view him as a friend yeah yeah well i think the good thing through all of this is your friend still keeps coming to you which and she's opening up to you and telling you

all this kind of stuff so i think if anything were to go south later on being able to keep that open line of communication with her is really good and i think you can obviously express like your sadness for not being able to go to the wedding but it's like you know what this is your thing i like her life do whatever you're gonna do like i still like love you and support you and i'll be here for you no matter what um but yeah I think like it's kind of one of those sucky things that you just have to sort of like let your friends go through with all of it and then yeah I wouldn't also I feel for the friend too the one that's getting married because I can only imagine the situation she's in if she doesn't like if it's not in her power as to why she's getting into

a number eight arranged marriage she's going through her own set of things because I at one point um I was engaged before my husband and when we were planning when I was planning my wedding with my ex he actually didn't want two of my closest friends to come to the wedding and I was like uh no they're they're gonna come like what the fuck I've known them since second grade they're coming to the wedding and so me and him had like a whole thing and it ended up uh we ended up coming to this compromise as to me not asking them to be bridesmaids yeah and I was so heartbroken and they were extremely heartbroken too and I'm like I'm sorry like I'm battling this yeah luckily it didn't work out with that guy but I'm like you know your friend is going through her own set

of problems that she's dealing with and like having this guy just one week later say hey we're getting married now like she's going through her own stuff so I mean it sucks yeah I feel for both of them yeah I think you just gotta like need to continue to be like an ear to like listen and have her like vent to and stuff and bright side she does see him as a friend she doesn't hate him right like that could be worse and i think also like it's kind of at least again my ignorant ass for arranged marriages to me that seems like that seems like a like a a positive thing that you would hope for like going into it like you might not love each other immediately but you can grow to fall in love with each other and that's what they talk about a lot with arranged marriages

and so like going in being friends but i think the part that is a little like off as it feels like imbalanced yeah and the whole if he is your friend he shouldn't he should be okay with your other friend coming and all of that sort of stuff so i would just say like the best you can keep your opinions to yourself and like continue to like vent to your like meant to a therapist vent to your like your friends and all of that kind of stuff but like keep it as like the line of communication just like open so also when they get married it's not like he's gonna be like oh you can't talk to her anymore because she hates me yeah because then that's just gonna go down self and you're really gonna lose your friend yeah yeah be there for her and uh don't post

anything salty like the day of the wedding being like cheers that'd be me hey big cheers bitches have so much fun happily ever after uh but best of luck that's stressful true hi megan melissa and guest um so my advice the thing i need advice on um melissa touched on the subject briefly and one of the past podcasts so I thought maybe you could help so my partner who I've been with for enough amount of time um he in his past relationship he was with her for seven years which was most of their teens and then the early 20s and I'm finding it hard not to be jealous when they hang out and when they hang out they do things like go to the movies and go out to restaurants and it feels very date like to me and I have said that this makes me

uncomfortable and I have said like I'm not blaming him but like it does make me really uncomfortable and I've said that I think it would help if she came to our house we live together to so I can get to know her so I because I fully trust him but I don't know this woman that he's hanging out with so I suggested that she came over and hung up all three of us but he she has severe anxiety so he felt like asking she might feel like she's walking into an attack which I completely understand is I have anxiety myself but I just don't know what to do because it makes me feel very uncomfortable and of course I would never stop him from seeing her but I don't want to get upset every time they see each other or go out and I just find it really

hard I don't know if this is important but she also has a partner she doesn't live in the same city so she comes in once a week for like appointments and that things and she sees him um yeah i think that's it thank you so much i hope you can help bye oh my god she's way too chill yeah you're way too chill for your own fucking good you need a little crazy and just a tiny bit yeah just to protect yourself a little bit maybe this will be the experience that will give that in her a little bit because girl it really sounds like he's still got a thing with yeah yeah and they were together seven years and you said that you guys have been together enough time bitch i needed to know how long and part of me want thinks that the reason why she

didn't say is because it's not yeah it's pretty short but she probably really likes him and she's saying that and they live together yeah i mean that that's a commitment there but she's saying that you know she trusts him enough and the fact that you don't know her at all yeah and then they go out and have their dates yeah that's inappropriate it is just straight up inappropriate that's just respectful too because like you know you have your place in his life as his girlfriend you're living together how is he going to just disrespect that and say hey i'm going to go hang out with my ex-girlfriend of seven years ditch you and no you know making up i mean i don't know she could have anxiety but it just seems like an like an excuse to not have you guys get close

maybe she's uh because you mentioned that she does have a partner maybe she's cheating on that partner and they don't want anything to get messy it's like oh you know what right now my girlfriend's really cool let's keep this going yeah she's not asking too many questions yeah she's fine i just think that i think that all of that's spot on i think like it is such a such a super sticky situation that i think and you can speak to this because you are friends with your exes that like if you want to hang out with your ex and it's purely friendship the shit that has to go the workout that has to go on behind the scenes with your act like your current relationship needs to be like hey i'm like i'm so happy with you like things are great like i like and even

early on in dating it should be like i just want you to like heads up i have a close friend of mine we did date for a long period of time where it's totally platonic now like we are really good friends it has like i understand if it could feel like uncomfortable uh i really don't want to lose her as a friend i really love to like introduce you guys and like see if you guys can like get along and vibe but if not then at that point he has to pick like exactly you can't have your cake and eat it no and he's not introducing you and the same thing like that's weird why is her boyfriend not there exactly and like why if there's an opportunity to double date there but they're just solo hanging out like it's just super fucking weird and it shouldn't even be like

it shouldn't be dinner or movies and all that stuff because that is romantic like moths has female friends and they're like yeah we're gonna go to like go for a drink and i'll be home for dinner right after it's like that kind of thing and i'm like okay fine sure go ahead but are they his exes no exactly have you met them and know them yes do i like them all no but at the same time it's like there is like a level of like courtesy to that like if he was like yeah hey i'm gonna go to like a dinner and a movie with this like female friend of mine if i didn't know her like there was a handful of female friends of his that like if he went out with that i'd be like there's one specifically that i'd be like yeah for sure go ahead like love her she's great she's

awesome she's got a boyfriend but that's also because i know her i know her boyfriend like i'm also in that world in that circle and it's always massive red flags when there is a whole other world that you're not a part of yeah and when he's keeping that relation and they're both keeping that relationship so separate and just between the two of them that's red flag central yeah exactly because there's no there needs to be a a sense of connection with all the parties involved like some sort of like familiarity where you can have that trust and that communication to be like oh you know what everything's cool i know her she's cool and also her saying him saying for wow this is just this is a light bulb to me him saying oh i don't want to ask her she's anxiety she's going

to think it's an ambush why would it be an ambush unless there's something to be ambushed over the exes that you said that i touched it on this before the exes that i'm friends with i'm if they are in relationships with people i am just as close with their girlfriends if not closer than with the girlfriends and i never hang out with them without the girlfriend there ever i hang out with the girlfriends solo but never without it but if i'm hanging out with him i don't hang out and also you waited for them to come to you of being like would love to be your friend at some point let like and you very much like let them take the reins of that get yeah into their relationship first yeah then introduce me and you checked in to be like they know that

we've dated like yeah i'm not gonna walk into that situation in that sort of thing but like if let's say if the caller would end up somehow on her own reaching out to this the friend the ex girlfriend and saying like hey you know i just really want to get to know you you know you've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend and I would just love to get to know you that reaction like what however she reacts will tell you immediately the type of relationship she blocks you yeah they're fucking yeah exactly because um there was this one situation with my husband back when we were dating he had this friend of his that they were they they would like connect here and there throughout the years because they went to high school together and one year because he's

from Dallas so one year I was in Dallas with him and then he was like oh my friend wants to meet up to have dinner yeah and then I'm like okay cool so am I coming and he was like yeah yeah let me tell her and so he told her and then she canceled immediately and she never spoke to him ever again and I'm like she clearly had a thing for you and you because he was like nah no way she's like my little sister and he never saw her that way he friend zoned her yeah well I mean to be fair if we want to play like your boyfriend's a great dude all that stuff it could be that he could have no idea that she has feelings for him but the issue is is like as opposed to that where it's like oh yeah totally i'll ask her and then it's being like rug gets pulled out from underneath

both of you and it's like oh shit she likes me like this i have no idea yeah he is protecting her a little bit too much right to my must know but he has to have even if he like won't admit it to himself and even if like they're not doing anything and they're not i mean they're not doing anything physical they are going out to dinner and they are like essentially like emotionally doing this kind of stuff there's a part of him that like knows that it's wrong and that kind of thing and i think the other like misconception is is if someone's uh like being unfaithful or someone's lying to you or something they're gonna omit all of the truth the best lies involve a part of the truth and then not the rest so the fact that he's gaining again i don't want to like

vilify him but like to be fair like i think this is like a villainous thing that he's doing but to tell like hey like you're like oh of course he's not cheating i'm like he's telling me he's going out to dinner with his ex-girlfriend like that's like such a huge like why would he tell me if there was something else going on like it to me it's like it's right under your nose that's true you know see i was being honest with you exactly i'm not hiding anything what are you talking about and so like you don't feel the need to like go through his phone and like check all of that kind of stuff she sounds so chill because she's like like he's done enough to make her feel secure well now she just feels crazy that's the thing i'm like you're gonna be you're being like

you're being like i don't even want to say you're being gas lit like you're being like the burners on underneath you or you just hear the clicking in the other room and you're like is the gas turning on like what is happening here am i gonna die from carbon monoxide poisoning so i mean like my evil advice would be uh go through his phone uh check his venmo check his like ubers check that shit and see that kind of stuff and like see like uh are they splitting the dinners like is she paying him back for that kind of stuff like if you guys share like mail i mean that don't go through his mail that's actually technically illegal not technically that is fucking illegal so let us know what happens yeah um go through his phone go through his phone also maybe turn

go into his phone if you know his password and turn um location sharing on so you know where he's at yeah you can go and then and then figure out what they're doing because like we don't even actually know that they're going to movies and going that's true meeting at a motel yeah onto the next one hi megan melissa and guest um i have a little issue where so my best friend is this guy and I think I might have feelings for him but I'm also so I'm super inexperienced like sexually and stuff um and he is not and he also has told me that basically without this wording that um I am on his no fuck list because um I don't know I've helped him with a lot of like girl issues when he's like had problems he was in a really bad relationship

that's still kind of continuing so I've been trying to help him but it's really hard to um I don't know be supportive when I have feelings for him and I try to ignore them and that's what I'm doing best but I just I love spending time with him so I I still hang out with him a lot and I'm not super close with uh my other friends that are like we're all kind of in the same friend group but me and him don't really enjoy our other friends because most of them are pretty annoying and I go I live in a relatively small town so it's kind of hard to reach up out to other people I'm in high school by the way so um yeah

I it's kind of hard to find new people so I find myself just hanging out with him all the time and like people make jokes about like oh you guys are like gonna get married which I used to be like oh whatever that's stupid like it doesn't matter

and then I got super uncomfortable by people saying that and now I'm like I'm back to not really caring about when they say shit like that but it's just kind of it's a lot like people say it too much to the point where it makes me uncomfortable not i don't know it just it makes me feel weird so yeah any advice you could give me it would be great what do i do okay bye i love the podcast i just want to know what he said yeah that wasn't

like she's like and not he didn't say no fuck less but no fuck like how else do you say that like you're my best friend or my sister yeah my sister i don't ever want to change that type of relationship wait did she say that she has told him no how she feels because i don't know man you fucking have to yeah at this point you have to yeah because the issue so this was me in high school i didn't tell i didn't even well i didn't realize that i was in love with him at all he was like my best friend every fucking teacher all of our friends everyone everyone's like oh my god you guys are so cute we were like oh no we're just friends like we're not dating and we were like and we dated one we dated in seventh grade for like two weeks we were like but we were like

literally like best best best friends um and my friend got drunk and called him and said megan's in love with you and i was like what and she called me and then told me that that night and i like woke up the next morning and i was like what the fuck bitch and she was like i'm sorry but like i'm really sorry that i did that but like it is true and i was like no it's not and i was with my other friend my other friend was like and i was like what and like my world came crashing down we ended up dating for like a year and some time or whatever and it was like great first love first boyfriend first boning first all that shit not first kiss or i mean for some shit not all of it i guess um but i i know the feeling like he was asking i was helping him ask this other girl

to prom and i like i you were i think much more advanced than you know but i couldn't figure out like why i was like so upset that i was like helping him ask this other girl to prom and like i just felt like shit like he feel about you so but that's the thing he never we would refer to each other as best friends and i think there was like we definitely when people would like say that like oh my god you guys are on a date we would both equally be like oh my god you know so part of me wonders if like him and i hate the term friend zoning but like yeah him putting you on his like no fuck list or whatever how much of that was both of you kind of implying the same thing because like we used to do that like to protect our both of us and like yeah it turns

out we both were super into each other for like a long time and so if it was like fully on his own accord that he just brings up like you said like out of the blue of being like you're oh my god i like i'm so happy you're like my sister like i would never want to jeopardize that and if he like did that again all on his own accord then i would kind of be like say if you need to say it for yourself say it for yourself but like i think there's a 90 chance that like he just sees you as a friend but if it was more of that like oh my gosh no like we're we like we both are kind of saying the same things about each other then i think like say it and it might turn out well but at the end of the day i think you just i don't know you just kind of have to fucking you have

to kind of say it or not be as close with him another thing that stood out to me about what she was saying was that he she's not very sexually experienced but that he is yeah that to me kind of I don't know like if he is into her and she's kind of hiding it that could be his way of like further being like like he's denying his own feelings and like making up yeah these other sexual experiences to tell her to be like further it's like a he's protecting his ego so he's like I'm not going to I'm not going to be vulnerable and I'm not going to open up my heart if he does like you and he's into you. And so he's like putting all these things into your ear. And little do you know, but you both actually like each other.

Yeah, but it end up it will end up further hurting your friendship. If you continue it the way you are, where you're hiding your feelings, you have to let him know if you haven't already. Once he finds once he tells you how he feels, you're just going to have to accept. Let's say he says that he's not into you. you're just gonna have to accept that and move on and I would suggest to just no matter how much it hurts because you love hanging out with him you're just gonna have to detach because you're you cannot put yourself in that situation because I've been on the other end where in high school I had this guy best friend and we were neighbors so we would always hang out we would walk to school

together all that stuff and we at one point he ends up telling me that he really liked me and I felt so like confused and like bad because I did not feel the same way for him I really loved our friendship but I was not into him at all and so I ended up telling him I'm like um well I can't lie to you and pretend that I do because I don't and he ended up like hating my guts yeah or many years after that and he would like avoid me and I was so heartbroken because I lost my friend but I had to accept that too where i'm like i can't expect him to continue to be in my life when i can't reciprocate the same feelings it's just it's torture yeah i i i agree and i think the thing is is like you need to figure out like if someone was asking him or if he was telling someone else

the same situation would he ever turn around and say i'm on her no fuck list do what i mean like is it like has this been something that has been so much him or are you a little bit guilty of that you said like kind of pushing away too and just like saying this kind of stuff to create this distance because you're not sure if you guys like each other back but if like yeah but if you could if you could never see him saying that and it's like oh no or if he could if you think he could potentially have any sort of inkling to your feelings then i think that was probably like a nice way or nicer way of him trying to school is so hard too because in high school you're everyone is putting up a front like it's like full-on ego like to the to the max so there's

no way that either of you will ever get to the place of vulnerability to even open up to each other even though you guys are like so close and you're always hanging out you're saying you don't really like your other group of friends I don't know to me it just seems like he might be into you too it's just that you guys have your ego so so crazy big that you cannot open up and also if he talks to you if he talks to you about like sex sex intimate detail if detail stuff with girls i hate to break it to you i think that's kind of like he's probably not because at the end of the day i think talking a big game of like oh yeah this girl and this girl but not like yeah fucking fuck that wet pussy with my dick like that's that's how i talk with my guy do you mean like

that's how like my guy friends were like friend friends like that's how we like we talk like nasty shit like that but that's not something like when matz and i were friends for a year before we started dating and i knew he was dating girls but he was never like oh yeah piped hard last night like that specific sort of stuff is very i think that's kind of friend zoney it's like the same thing like if you if you i don't know like i'll talk to like i'll talk to my guy friends they're like how you doing i'm like oh brutal yeast infection but like if you wouldn't say that Jamie like I could say that to him if you like have feelings or whatever you're like not much how about you but like yeah there there is those like little nuanced things that

I think can imply where you guys both are at but um I think also if you I think you're gonna need to take distance from him if you also decide that you don't want to tell him and you think he doesn't have feelings for you but at the end of the day I think I think it's better just tell him and if your friendship is strong uh already I think you guys will get through it eventually and also just know that this is a like not i'll say morbid thing to say but like once your feelings have already gotten romantic for some for someone your friendship is kind of it is different like it has changed it has gone yeah there's no way it's the same as before at all and i think like if you're trying to preserve like i don't want to tell him because i don't want to ruin our friendship like

well right now he's not your friend you like him exactly so you're gonna have to distance yourself from him and then if you don't tell him why he's gonna be like what's going on and it just creates it's a whole more entangled web that is so true but this could also just be like a really cute romantic story you guys go to prom together yeah so he reciprocates the same feeling yeah it'd be fun just make out with him and see what if or i mean consensually make no because like that made me think about that guy that was oh you make did he try and kiss you no so okay don't do this if you're in the same position as me but listen you tried right you were like didn't know what she was doing but once he told me he liked me and I was like I don't um because we were I was

at his house and we were hanging out and stuff and that's when he told me and then he was sitting in his living room and his couch wasn't up against the wall it was like you know like in the middle of the room and after he said that like we we went our separate ways in the house and then some time passed and then I felt so bad that I'm like maybe if I kissed him oh no this is me you're in a safe space would I you know I end up feeling something like what if you know so then I go up to him and like I reach over I did I did like a spider-man kind of thing and so we kissed and you're like no I'm like I'm sorry I really don't I felt so that's why he stopped talking to me I didn't want to say that part because I feel so guilty like I feel bad about that um but yeah I mean

we're talking about this no it's but yeah i totally felt so bad and like like i said i felt really heartbroken because i lost my friend yeah and friendship to relationship is super confusing because you're like i do really love you and i really care about you and it's like have i just not thought of you in that light before like maybe like it is it is so parallel and close that you're like i'm just trying to figure it out no i tell myself i'm like i have to sleep with people before i decide if i like them or not like that's all i'm like okay definitely don't like you oh my god that's funny i'm like okay i like you but yeah so i totally understood why he hated my guts because i could put myself in his shoes oh yeah and he's probably like this bitch she tells me she doesn't

like me and then she kisses me makes me all happy and then she tells me she still doesn't like me what the fuck yeah but you know he like went on to college and did the exact same shit and it was like oh okay true yeah you know what though interestingly enough she get married to like the next person he dated oh no no no no so well actually i don't know what happened but years later after high school and stuff um i was in between relationships and then we actually reconnected and he he ended up going to the marines he came back hella hot and i was like oh shit you're like that little last piece is good so i'm like okay and so yeah we ended up hooking up okay no so you had first of all you played the long game and also he's not mad at

all like this like that was the most satisfying thing to like 16 year old him he's like i did it finally yeah and then after and then we just stopped yeah yeah that was it well you scratched the itch oh my god that was really probably the best day of his fucking life like the fucking best that's a great wow yeah you were keeping a lot from us with that story i was like is this gonna come out oh shit it's coming out that's how you always want it though with that like one that got away so from his perspective like one that got away that like you then hook up and then it's like oh okay cool like that's so satisfying yeah i'd love to hook up with like my old i mean not now mott isn't listening but like with my old crushes that like you know that like nothing

ever came for like through with it when you're like in middle school like my middle school self would die to be like true okay guys uh we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay should we get back into it let's do it I'm 24 I'm a graduate student and I have a bit of a situation with one of my classmates slash co-workers so we met a year ago when we started our program and he asked me out pretty soon after we met and we ended up not going out because he like never follows through with that but basically I've known that he's been interested in me he's tried to ask me out since but I've always just kind of said like no since he didn't follow up that first time um so I've just known

that he's been interested in me for a while we have mutual friends we go out together on the weekend on top of taking classes together and working together and last night we were out at a bar he drove me home because I didn't want to pay for an uber and I invited him to come upstairs to my apartment and we ended up making out but not hooking up and he we basically then had a chat about what are we even doing I said I'm not interested in a relationship and I've expressed that to him before so I'm just wondering what I should do is it's going to be awkward at work probably and I just feel like I'm kind of being shitty because I had him come over and feel like I'm leading him on but I expressed that I'm like really not interested in anything

but I'm also wondering if he's at fault because he keeps coming around and sort of hanging around me text me like he's trying to pursue me even though I said that I'm not interested um so i just don't know if i'm being shitty if i should i don't know like not even try to be friends with him or what the best situation is yeah basically just worrying if i'm leading him on or if he's um just not asking for it i don't like that phrase but you know i think she needs to take responsibility for her part in this 100 but i think they both do because i think at the end of the day like is he in love with you like if he's not in love with you like what did he say when you didn't want to do anything like would you want to be fucked

buddies with him would he be cool with that because if he says yeah i'm cool with being fuck buddies that's on him if then like if he's actually has feelings yeah it's like i as always like take what everyone says at face value like if they say that they're fine with something like yeah you don't you don't owe that to them but at the same time i think like if he's fucking so head over heels like in love with you and you're like making out with him being like well jk like you drive me home you can come upstairs we're gonna make out you know this is like the grown-up version of what i did in high school but it's the same dude he's back in grad school now um yeah i just think that like you like you said i think you need to

assume some of the some of this responsibility but like if you guys are friends of course he's gonna keep texting you and all that stuff but like you don't have to make out with him and you don't have to like like you say you don't have to like invite him in and flirt with him and kind of like go the extra mile i think like you can treat him how you would treat a friend that you know has romantic feelings for you and kind of have a little bit of that buffer there so he can get over you. Exactly.

But, yeah. You know what I think it is, too? Because I'm trying to tap into 16-year-old me, and it definitely, like, the reason why she invited him up and let him do all that stuff, I think it might be because she does kind of find it, like, kind of like a confidence booster of, like, oh, this guy's into me.

Even though I don't really reciprocate it, But yeah, I got someone after me. Yeah. Like, so she's probably in denial of the fact that it's feeding into her own ego. And she kind of just needs to accept that. Yeah. And just face it because, yeah, it's not fair to kind of lead him on because you really are leading him on, even though you're not trying to.

Yeah. Doing these these actions, they read as you're leading him on. So if you're really, really not into him, you just got to like what you're saying, just create that buffer and kind of create that distance because it's not fair at the end of the day though i don't even think that it's that you're not into him i think this is like a game of chicken or it's whatever any sort of cat and mouse yeah that he like he was very like he asked you out and then didn't follow up and you're like oh fuck you so like it's you're like leaving him on red for like five years oh that's what it is yeah it's like you're being like i see you not

going taking that on that one day i'm gonna like keep you in this limbo because exactly what it is like you like the attention but i also think like you weren't opposed to him do you mean it wasn't like oh i'm not attracted to him or into him at all it was like a change like a mischance thing and it sounds like you guys have never talked about it right so i think like he is still pursuing it and like maybe it's that you want him to you said that like he asked you out once and then you couldn't you've always known since then he's had a little bit of a thing for you like is it that you want like a grand gesture like do you want that sort of a thing and like especially to make up for the fact that he like stood her up kind of and her saying that like i don't really want

like a relationship or anything is it because you think that like he's a fuck boy and he can't give that to you because like he didn't follow through that first time so like you're a little like trepidatious of him um but i think if you don't want a relationship and you don't want to date anyone and all you want is a casual hookup yeah don't hook up with someone who has feelings for you i think that's just gonna get point blank but if you like him also what's your what's your hold up on not wanting to get into a relationship or not wanting to date anyone and if it's like oh i just got out of a really bad relationship that really sucked for a long time that's totally fine but then keep like keep it separate keep your like sexual relations and all of that stuff

separate from your friend group and don't make anything that's messy but if it's just you're afraid of getting hurt because he hurt you that one time i would give him a chance or an opportunity because i think you're both right into each other but you're both being like but i think i think you're both i think you're waiting for him to go above and beyond you know i mean yeah and like make up for it like you said exactly that's kind of what that seems like that's true because yeah you like i don't know like if you hated him you wouldn't invite him in to like make out exactly you know like that's just like you would have taken the uber right just yeah i know this because this was so i've been this girl where it's like oh my god i don't take any uber and it's like do

want to come inside exactly do you want to make out yeah and i don't even think that's like a bad thing i don't necessarily think you're leading him on because i don't think you're leading him on i think you like him too i think you just like aren't really admit i don't think you want to at this point you don't want to let yourself feel like that and so you're kind of being this like it's that pride yeah because if he hurt you he like hurt you like it that's a big ego blow and i'm sure it's like she's really prideful to the point where she's like well no i'm not gonna give him what he wanted before because he fucked up like oh i've had insane pride issues yeah it doesn't get you anywhere no and also you are giving him it though like do you really mean

exactly that's true like you're doing it like just like sit like i think it's in your head a little bit more than it is of being like oh no i can't and then also like have you ever had a conversation with him about it of being like that time that all that stuff happened that really sucked and it hurt and i think i've had feelings for you that whole time and have a conversation with him about it because maybe he had a really good excuse do you know what i mean maybe maybe someone told him that you had a boyfriend or maybe something else happened like this is just such a rom-com moment where it's like let's go on a date she's like yeah i'm down and then he never follows up and there's like some big bitch who's like yeah or some dude like douchey guy who like likes you

at in class too being like oh she's got a boyfriend yeah he's overseas in the military and then he's like oh okay and then he's like i'll just be her friend for years and then you're there being like what's happening i don't have a boyfriend like what's going on it's not a fucking conversation true i think you guys are cleared up very into each other and you didn't fuck yeah i can't believe that no because she's dangling the carrot in front of his face i don't have that kind of i love attention but i don't have that kind of self-control i am 21 and about a month or two ago I decided to go visit my friends at college and we decided to go out like every night of the weekend and whatever um so we went out I ended up hooking up with

one of like all of our mutual like one of our mutual friends in the group or whatever and it was whatever I didn't really think much of it kind of kept it to myself except I told one other friend where I was going to be and whatever um so yeah turns out she or one of my friend um like apparently has or had like a crush on this guy that I ended up hooking up with and I kind of feel guilty not telling her but at the same time I had gone up there and wanted to spend the weekend I wanted to kind of just like let go and have fun but I ended up having to corral the girls group and kind of try and solve their issues that they had been having So I put myself aside, and I kind of, like, I did the hookup for myself, like, under the radar.

But now I'm kind of regretting not telling anybody because I had no idea that she apparently, like, liked him. And I know that, like, people were trying to hook them up at some point, but, like, I never heard, like, it became of anything. So I don't know. I'm just really confused and conflicted. I don't know if I should tell her. I don't know if she'll care or, like, if she even likes him or if she even liked him. um I don't want to start drama I'm really not a drama person I just kind of I really want to keep it to myself but at the same time it's eating away at my self-conscious and all I think about is

that and I get really um I just feel really guilty for some reason and so I don't know if I should tell her to get that off my back or if I should just leave it to myself um to not cause drama i've done this i hooked up with my friends like she had a crush on him from like maybe eighth grade or seventh or sixth grade all the way through senior year i made out with him i think all we did was make out might have done like handsy sort of shit uh because i was in a bikini which would you would assume that you've got easy access to both ends uh and we hooked up i didn't tell her which is my advice to you but he told her one of his friends told her uh and it was like that caught me in a place of being like i was kind of i had the same mentality of being

like for me like it didn't mean anything i was so wasted had recently broken up with my boyfriend like i was making out with fucking anyone and everyone like i never had feelings for him like it wasn't serious at all but you knew that she also knew that's what makes it worse in the moment um but also at the same time like she had had she had a boyfriend at the time like it was one of those things that like they had never dated like he wasn't into her she had this like unrequited crush on him but like she had a boyfriend at the time so i mean it wasn't definitely wasn't kosher yeah and i also was not thinking about her at all it wasn't even like oh i shouldn't do this i just did it and it was afterwards it like i was like my friend was like by the way you hooked up with

and i was like oh shit she's gonna kill me not gonna tell her yeah but yeah it does i think like because you went into a friend group it's your friend group but you went into their college friend group there is a high likelihood that that's gonna get back to her not from you yeah and that's gonna be so much worse yeah and i wanted to ask too like are you still talking to this guy or like are you guys or is it just like one time like never again never talk about it again and does he feel the same way because if he's gonna be bragging to his friends and 100 she's gonna know yeah but how do you know that she liked him or had a crush on him because if you don't know from her depends on how much you trust that friend who told you if you're like

bitch you never told me that shit like wipe that clean and i'm never gonna know true but at the same time i think if that friend of yours is gonna tell you that she had feelings for him i think he's probably also going to tell her that you hooked up with him oh yeah so i think you just friend likes drama yeah and it sounds like this whole friend group kind of does like drama and i think uh i would say just further advancement i think big friend groups of girls are really hard in general um but i think just word to the just if you're ever doing this situation and you're going into a good group of your girlfriends i think it's a great time like before you go out suss out hey we're gonna be having this group of guys i'm the new one here fill me in right who

likes who who's hooked up with who and who's done that kind of stuff and my best friend had this crush uh this is not the same one i would have never done that to her um but her she she liked this guy and we were we were in like i forget what grade we were in we were like 15 15 or 16 16 we might oh no i was turning 16 so we were 15 and we were going to our friend's house and she was like oh yeah like she's got this whole group of guy friends like everyone like you should totally like I hadn't had my first kiss yet and she's like oh my god they're so cute you're really gonna like them it's gonna be awesome like there's only one that I like just like not him and I get there and he's so cute the one that she likes and I was like and then I was like

not gonna do anything and he was like all about like talking to me like really doing all that kind of stuff and then afterwards we got in the car and I'm so sorry like I really was trying to shut that down she was like oh no I don't care like I want you guys to go for it that's totally fine but like you when you know that kind of going into it it creates that buffer to kind of protect yourself from it and so i think like i don't want to say your friend should have told you in this situation i think it's just less sticky in general when you know especially because you're going into i don't know you're going in with all these other guys that you don't know but it is your like girlfriend group and you're getting caught up on the drama i think it is good to know

did she mention how she found out that her friend i think her she said she only told one friend so i'm assuming that one friend told her she didn't know that she liked this guy before yeah hooking up with him i wouldn't feel that guilty because you did nothing wrong yeah you didn't know and i guess now that you know that's why you're feeling the guilt yeah but i mean i don't know i probably would have just i don't know man because i kind of want to keep it everybody kind of liked everyone anyway and so she might have a crush on him now but she probably has a crush on 10 other guys too i think it just depends on how much you trust the friend that told you yeah because i think she can spin that and i think if she likes drama that can get out

of hand really quickly because it could have even just been a passing comment where she's like oh he's really cute and might not even be like an actual crush there's there's a difference between like having a crush on somebody and liking someone and if she liked him then i would feel guilty but like if it's just a crush that she's done nothing about yeah oh like you didn't know nothing pisses me off more than that i'm like you cannot claim territory on a crush that you've done jack shit about and you didn't know about it like yeah it was a crush it's not like she actually liked him or they dated and i think the thing is you sound like a cancer mostly because you said you were taking care of your friend group and you were like the mom and i was like that sounds like

that but i think if if this is about your like guilty conscience i think what i would do if i i mean this isn't what i would do but if i were to if i were you the goal would be to minimize your fault in the situation and i think if you don't tell your friend yeah that can be she can she can she can hold on to that and that can be something that you didn't that like you then found out you had a crush and you didn't say anything but if you go to her and you're like hey uh i just want to let you know um i that night that we all went out i had like made out or like hooked up with this this guy and i really didn't think anything of it and like the next morning i was talking to whatever becky and i told her and she brought up in passing that like you had had a crush

on him and you're like i didn't really think anything like i didn't think too much of it like i didn't ask a lot of questions but it has been making me feel really bad i wasn't sure if this was like still a present crush or if you guys had done anything and i just didn't want it to come from anybody else for me because then what's she gonna do at that exactly is she gonna be like oh you bitch you came to me and told me you feel bad like i think there's no fault in that when you actually come forward and you admit it or like whatever if it if it comes from you first there's nothing she could hold against you yeah at all and even if someone even if your other friend tells her but you tell you don't you you're not just responding when you get confronted like you're

the one bringing forth that and like essentially being like hey i did this there's more respect yeah and even if she wants to be mad at you for that i think that will also help your guilty conscience because it's like well like what was i supposed to do i didn't know you liked this guy not a mind reader i can't know all of that sort of stuff uh and if anything she might even get mad at the other friend of being like why would you tell her that i like like i had a crush on this dude so i think that can kind of push the blame from off of you but yeah i just think in general when you're going out with big groups of girls just suss out who everyone's into wow well yeah it's looking we'd love to know the update um true let us know what you decide to do

is it now time for don't blame them so this is when a listener will call in with their own advice from a different episode if they're like oh i've made out with my friend's crush and we'll hear all about it i'm calling about episode 105 with jesse smiles um i'm calling about the girl who wanted to sell feet pics um i figured i would have an interesting and unique perspective given i am a cam girl i also sell uh like i guess amateur porn but it's like better than amateur and then i basically i do anything that involves selling stuff on the internet where it's a little sexual so the thing is her and her boyfriend are fighting about nothing unless this girl is already like super established on social media somewhere the guys who are offering her 500 to

$1,500 for feet pics are lying. So essentially her and her boyfriend are fighting about nothing. However, I do want to kind of get into, um, the, I don't know, behind the scenes on why this is happening. So obviously everyone is aware of the rising popularity in interest in selling feet pics and you know since everyone's aware of that that means the guys interested in the feet pics are aware of that and they know that a bunch of girls who have no interest in the actual sex work industry are just interested in making a quick buck which isn't possible in sex work which i'll be real with you it's not you got to work really hard um but they're aware of that so they know that if they throw out outlandish numbers to these girls they're gonna believe it

because that's what they keep hearing from all their friends who know nothing about it. And then these guys might, you know, like end up getting free pictures because these girls might be convinced that they need to send free samples, you know, like, or, you know, they might just be getting off to the conversation, you know, they might ask you whether what shoe size you wear, whether you like wearing sneakers or ballet flats or heels, and that might just be all they're looking for. And by promising you some large amount of money, they can get a lot of conversation out of you for free. So they are manipulating you. And like I said, in the beginning, unless she already has some huge social media following somewhere, like it's just not real. And the huge

social media following is important because that's why people like Kelsey or, you know, potentially like Megan or Melissa could make a ton of money doing it because you already have like an enormous following to market to and there's an enormous amount of value in someone who's not involved in sex work at all selling them who is already famous outside of sex work so that's my just my two cents from a sex worker uh thank you so much love the show bye you're amazing wow i love you so much i think in a different life i would be a cam girl i think i would love that not now you never tried it no just kidding no i mean i don't think it's not lander saying i think if i didn't want i mean daily i wish i didn't want to act because like i

hate it and it's terrible and it's like the worst thing ever it's also the only thing i like enjoy doing um i enjoyed this podcast but doing like i i if i could choose to like be passionate about something i would definitely not choose acting and i like i think i 100 would feel like i would love that because like i don't know there's something like i think it's like so yeah so incredibly empowering and so sexy and so like female driven and controlled and it's like i'm doing my own shit and like i i don't know i just think like especially like female doms i think are so sexy and that whole thing is just so i don't think it's incredibly empowering so we would love to hear more about like your cam girl and like your sex work life i think

that's like so interesting we maybe we should like you're canadian you said a boot bitch you're far um but no i think this is very this makes me want to sell feet pics yeah but i also respect how she was talking about how much work goes into it and i think that's something that i yeah it's not from because i we've been talking about this for so long i watched like a 25 minute video of this girl talking about it and she was like it's fucking hard she's like it's like i have to this is like my other part-time job and it's not just because it's enough money that's considered a part-time job like it's because it takes as much time as a part-time job would and she's just doing feet pics on the side and so i think like yeah it does make sense

and we even had some someone talking about i don't know if this is it was yeah i don't someone was also talking about it in the facebook group and it was about basically saying like hey these numbers that everyone's projecting that you can make are total bullshit like most of the time people are making like 25 a pick and at the end of the day if you're like working your ass off you can make great money doing it but like do the math if it's 25 a lot of work it is a lot more like work and effort than uh if you're if you're just trying to like especially if you're doing it alone and if you're just trying to make money if it's not something that like oh i want to pursue a career in sex work and all that sort of stuff well is that all we have for this episode

oh my gosh amazing oh my god thank you so much for being on plug your shit where can people find you uh so i am on big mood it's a podcast as well with it's five girls and we just shoot the shit we just talk and pretty much have the listener feel as if we're the girl group that they never had and so that's big mood and i'm also on just kidding news where i host this news comedy channel where i present the news and it's a roundtable discussion where we just make fun of whatever is on the news or we just discuss it and i also have my family channel called tiff and case with my husband and my 12 year old son and we just do a lot of traveling and stuff so so fun yeah i need a family so i can have a family channel yeah well guys uh hope you enjoyed this episode if you want

to be on an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 you got it i don't know blacked out and i was like am i doing it wrong um and if you're an international listener you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and if you want to follow us our socials will all be listed down below as well as podcast don't blam meme pod if you guys want to listen ad free check us out on stitcher premium we also have the video version on youtube and if you're watching the video version you want to go listen go listen on any of your various podcast listening devices maybe leave a review tell us how like you we are and how much you would buy my feedbacks for and i will see you guys next time goodbye

don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts Camera operator Amanda Lechner. And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.