Don't Blame Me! - S5E11: Guest: Mats - Boyfriend Wants to Watch Me With Other People

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

My boyfriend Mats is here again for our annual Valentine's Day episode. We're sharing our advice on how to save up for a house, if you should get together with your friends with benefits, if your partner should give you unconditional support, and what to do if your boyfriend wants to try shrooms. We also have an update from a caller that went through a traumatic breakup and needs more advice.   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved! Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblameme https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa   Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. hello everybody and welcome back to the annual annual is the right word for it right our annual valentine's day episode with my boyfriend motz hello are you so excited to be here stoked awesome great cool um it's the third one yeah yeah i feel like we're really excited for the second one yeah yeah what you came in like guns blurring

for the second one today uh yeah i mean i felt like the first one you had to redeem yourself for the mouth breathing and that's a mouth breathing it was just like i was too close the nose whistling yeah and so then what's what's your feeling this time how are you going into this uh i just want to give good advice okay well you also want to be entertaining well yeah but good advice is inherently entertaining not really no it's not hopefully bad advice is inherently entertaining so i'll just give bad advice don't get bad advice do drugs well sometimes it's applicable yeah and just just check to make sure you're doing the right by mental health and medical uh professionals i was just gonna say make sure you're doing what you think you're

doing guys if you're new here this is an advice podcast if you want to call in for an upcoming episode come on babe take it away and listen to all the episodes what's the phone number i don't know the phone do you know the area code uh three one zero there we go because it's los angeles There's a lot of area codes. Is there? Yeah. 310-694-0976 is our phone number if you want to give us a call. And if you're an international listener, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com.

So are you so excited? Because I know you're, again, a huge fan of the show. Yeah. You have such nice ankles. I have such fat ones. Okay, let's go. Hi, Megan. I'm just calling.

First, I want to say that I love your podcast. Also, I wanted, I thought it was kind of funny that I am also a Leo. My birthday is August 5th, and my boyfriend is also a Capricorn. We have also been together for over four years. Well, we're coming up to four years. But my question is, we do not live together. We've been trying to save up to buy a house for a while now. And for whatever reason, it just feels like it's so unattainable.

like something always comes up or we'll be really good at spending money at saving money and then something else comes up and I just I just you know I feel very discouraged and I know that he does too and I feel like it's just putting a lot of distance on our relationship um we don't live very far from each other but we both work full time it's just we want to be together we want to start our lives together. He's my best friend. I love him more than anybody in the world. And I just, we just want to start our lives together. But for some reason, it feels really hard. So I wanted to see if you have any advice on saving money and maybe trying to get the money for a house. I did move out before with a previous boyfriend and it didn't work out. So I'm still

living at home and my boyfriend's still living at home and um yeah i just wanted to see what advice you might have on saving money and moving out thank you love your podcast bye you guys really like like set the questions for me no i i purposely the last time we talked about this uh about like picking questions you were like they wouldn't just have any i like had mentioned for like ned and stuff that i was like oh for ned we like we like got some finance question like someone asked a finance question you were like oh i hope we get a finance question i mean i think i also want to like check my privilege here in the sense that i didn't go to college so i don't have any student loans i don't have any debt like that and because i started

making money and i don't want this to be a humble brag i just wanted to be like i can't speak from like pinching pennies experience, but I didn't grow up with a ton of money, but I became financially independent when I was like 18, 19. And the thing I think about saving, and we've talked about this on our private Facebook group, we got some, a question talking about saving money. And I was like, the whole thing with saving money is you should feel like you're saving money. It, there is no cheat of being able to do everything that you want to do while still saving money and I think that and I even think about it now because I definitely to be super transparent made way more money than I do like now like I when I was like uploading and

like the golden age of YouTube and you're getting millions of views on a video and all of that sort of stuff um it's cutting back on like luxuries and things that you don't need and I personally think that you pick one it's not like okay I'm going to do all the things that I like and I'll get rid of two I think that it should be okay if you like do you want to get lash extensions do you want to get your nails done or do you want to go get massages is like pick your vice and the other thing I would say is like the small things shop seasonally for grocery shopping um and making sure that you're not spending like useless money on I don't know like uh subscription apps like uh all of that sort of stuff and just cutting out those things and it should kind of suck like it should

kind of feel like, oh, I really want to do that. And I think FOMO is a really good motivator and not going out with your friends all of the time and spending money and doing that kind of stuff. I think those are, those are the only things that I can speak on for like what I, I mean, we're saving for a house and that's, it's also Los Angeles. So I also wonder where you live because that will play a huge factor. But those are the things that I would like right off the bat say is it should feel like you're saving money. Like, and it should feel like kind of sucky and good at the same time what about you mr finance bro knowing where you live would be um a little bit helpful because it definitely changes the calculus and you know um how you get to where

you want to go um it also might mean that if if home ownership is like the real goal like that is the thing then unfortunately like you have to think like that you might have to think about relocating. Like if you're in LA, it's so much harder than it is in a place like Nashville or Portland. Yeah. I mean, it's just more difficult, but without knowing that I'll try and be like as broad as possible. One thing that a lot of people don't realize that's really easy to do is if you go into your online credit card portal or your online bank account, you can actually export your transaction history and do an Excel sheet. I know most people are like, fuck that.

But if you really want to manage this, you can go, you can download it, and you can Google a couple of easy formulas that help you separate things by date or if you assign things like categories, like groceries, entertainment, or nights out, or whatever. You can kind of sort by month, like how much you're spending on each one. And it can be a little jarring.

I think like a lot of people don't necessarily realize like how much they're spending on certain categories or things each month. And once you kind of have all that stuff delineated into like a pretty easy to navigate like summary, then you can start thinking about like what you do day to day and like where you can make like fairly easy cuts. So if I think back for myself, when I was making a lot less money, um, you know, and looking back on how I was spending it, even like two years ago, um, I was, I was still going out like a fair amount. I was still spending a lot on like bar tabs, you know, spending a lot on like nights out with my friends. And while I still do those

things it's it's much more of like a special occasion you know maybe like once a month once every two weeks and even then I'm like very conscious about um how much I'm spending like an in an actual like night out like in a single session uh the other thing that you can do is um if you depending on who you bank with you can actually probably set up a consultation with like a private wealth manager, uh, for free. I would say after that, you know, they'll charge you fees on like transactions they do on your behalf and things like that. Um, but that's really valuable. Um, the person that I use, I've used since, um, I was in middle school. Um, and it's sort of like, even though I only talked to her maybe like

four times a year it's pretty invaluable like just speaking with her like an hour each time you know telling her about like what I'm thinking like big things I want to spend money on in the future like you know if I'm starting to make more money she can make recommendations on like how

shout out to Donna by the way I think she listens to this actually Donna the last thing very particular to this caller is like If you're both paying rent right now...

They're not. They live at home. They're living at home. Never mind. I think you guys need to... Move in together, like, on a rental. And, like, if you want... Well, that's not...

That's going to save less money. Yeah, I think they should be thinking that, like, thinking in the mindset that they have rent and put that money into an account. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, and I think you guys need to share your expenses with each other. and then something that we got again from the facebook group is your fun money that's cash you take that you have that cash and that and once that fund once that cash is gone for the month then you have no more fun money are you going to start a finance podcast no i'm not not even close to the level of some of those people though listen to a lot of those too hello um okay so

i'm 22 just for reference and i'm in my last year of college right now so i'm kind of in a little bit of a dilemma so i was like yep i guess i've kind of been hooking up with this guy for a while um he was like my rebound essentially from my last relationship which was like in a super nasty way he was like cheating on me whatever so it was really bad and i met this guy at work and he's super super sweet and so we just kind of started hooking up and it was honestly just like casual um and this was probably back in I guess a year ago in January we were kind of on this hooking up for a while and then last spring it kind of got more a little bit more serious and we were like taking a class together and we worked at the same place we would like kind of

trade all our shift rounds we were like always working together so we just like kind of spent a long time together and just because of that like I ended up catching feelings and he's just like a really really nice sweet guy whatever um and I kind of I we had a conversation on I'm like an over communicator in relationships I just kind of like told him that I had developed feelings for him and he was just kind of like well like do you want to date like what are you thinking and I was just kind of like no just wear them out like just hang out this really nasty relationship like I don't think I'm ready for but I just want you to know just wear them out I don't know that was like nice to do and I just like kind of wanted to let him know and he said that he like also had

developed feelings or whatever but he was just out of places like where like he was about to graduate because he's a year like ahead of me so he wasn't sure if he like wanted to get into relationship and I was like that's fair like I respect that um and so we just kind of kept hooking up which ended up like hurting me because I obviously developed feelings and kind of like kidding myself that I could continue this like friends with benefits so anyways and then we just like kind of kept talking this summer and then we hooked up again the end of the summer and I realized that like oh my god I really have feelings for this guy and like this whole friends benefits thing is like really hurting me so I just kind of told him I

was like I feel like we should stop talking for a little bit so I can like kind of heal and he was like super nice right he's a guy you get that that's fine anyways my birthday which is like in December he ended up sending me like this super long really nice happy birthday message it was so sweet and we started talking again and now I'm like fuck I really like you and I really want to date you and now I'm like at this place like I feel like I could date him but I don't know if like he's in that same place he knows how I feel I don't know like should I just take what he said before as like oh I don't think I'm ready to date somebody you just like respect that and move on or should I like kind of tell him again like hey listen like I have feelings you and I

want to do something we live in different cities I'm graduating today I live in the same city as him I don't know but he's like coming up to visit where I go to school soon too so I'm going to see I don't know we like FaceTime a lot too the whole situation is messy so any advice you could give I'd appreciate it thank you oh my god you are an over communicator

not necessarily a cogen communicator but you do communicate a lot so kudos to you I'm sorry that's what she needs to be told yeah succinctness well to be fair that's not necessarily your strong suit

I mean it depends on the situation Here's the thing I think every You've done everything up to this point Pretty much absolutely right Except I'm still fucking him Yeah that I mean that Well it sounded like that stopped for a while

Which was the right call And then like you I hate This is such a bad word for this But you like relapsed Not the right word sorry Into his dick i guess like what i would say is it's a really you shouldn't do anything if you don't know if

you're going to be living in the same city in a few months but it also sounds like she wants permission to move yeah well in that case like if I if I guess like to use like myself as an example if I had like it's not exactly the same but if I had like emotionally chosen where I was going to go live based on like where all of my friends were going to go live um I have no idea like how that would have turned out I would have gone and lived in New York and um I obviously probably would have never met Megan which you know wouldn't have been good no um but I mean aside from that like I have no idea if like my you know like would that have been worse from my career like like all of these things or who you would have been yeah or exactly um so

So I don't think like someone that you have feelings for in college should be the thing that's like dictating where you move, especially if it's like if you guys are going to college together and like, I don't know, Miami or something like that. and he's moving to... Akron. Yeah, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Akron, wherever. You move, and, like, six months later, it blows up. Yeah. Like, that is not good for you. So I would kind of, you know, let things ride

and, like, hold it as a happy memory. No. And if it works out... Well, let things ride implies that, like, continue to ride the dick. No, that's not what I'm saying. Sorry. Like, I would... Like, cut your losses and peace out.

yeah okay here's what i would say um not that your advice wasn't great i agree with what you said but i think if he really really really liked you and wanted to date you he would yeah because it doesn't seem like he's that far away no and also him so you're the first time when you so you didn't go into telling him that you had feelings for him with being like i don't want to be in a relationship or anything like that you just told him that you had feelings for him which again I think this that's that's the right call as we always say like just say the feelings because you feel them not because you need something in response or you you only feel a certain way if they feel a certain way so you you did everything right there and then but

his response of being like well I like you too but like do you want a date that to me is I hate to say but it's not it doesn't like you that much because I think then it would be like I really like you. I would really want to date you, but I'm, I'm obviously all for like finding out what the other person wants to do and like, you know, consent to relationships and all of that. But you saying like, Oh no, not really. I think he, I think that was a really nice move for him to kind of give you some sort of power and feeling like that's not what you wanted to do. But I think if that's truly what you didn't want to do, you would have started a conversation with, I don't want a relationship or anything like that and then you would have said how you felt because i think that

for him like he obviously cares about you i just don't think either of you like each other enough and i think he the friends with benefits thing we talk about it's tricky because it's you already like that person as a friend like you really like who they are and then you start sleeping with them and it becomes like a relationship because like it's someone who you're friends with who you're fucking and i think she was seen all the time because they worked together in that class together like that's it becomes more than like that's like a friends with benefits but more like that's like a rom-com sort of thing like you're sleeping with one of your like best best best friends and it doesn't sound like either of you were really dating other people and that fills

the spot we don't know that you may have been dating other people yeah no valid but i think it kind of fills that sort of like spot for you and i think if things had continued on if he really I think if you really had feelings for you the same way that you have feelings for him I think it wouldn't need to do you know I don't think you would need to bring it up again I think it would be something that would get brought up naturally um and because because you were the one who came forward with your feelings first because I think if he was the one who said it first and you shut him down then yeah he probably would feel uncomfortable kind of taking that step and then being like hey just to reassess but you you already did that so I think he knows he knows

that he could come to you if he wanted a relationship again so I don't think he's yeah I I just I think if it for you if you need to tell him one more time because you just you need like no stone left on unturned you want to try that but I don't necessarily know if you're going to get the answer that you want and if that's going to be more crushing I would just kind of i don't know walk away safe bet that a 23 year old guy living in a new city without a real relationship that he has a responsibility towards he's definitely at the very least like gone on other dates um which i don't know how you would feel about that i'm guessing that like you don't feel great about that however um it's totally fine that he was probably doing that he's

not in a relationship with you um but if you're kind of like coming at this from the assumption that he's been like waiting for you to like be ready I think that's a bad assumption and you need to like think about how that would make you feel and if you do decide to like come clean with him there's a pretty good chance that like he'll be like oh I'm I'm enjoying dating or like I'm enjoying being single or I've met somebody you'll have like an answer you need to like just start making decisions like um separate from you know this situation um but you're probably going to be pretty upset so yeah I mean because it's that's the reason why he didn't want it he was moving and he's still moving so I don't think that really changes that and also like we said moving to a new

place with like starting in a relationship like new city all of that sort of stuff I think if anything you guys stay friends date other people and who knows like you guys might end up together later but I just don't think the timing for this is right and I don't think no matter how much you really like someone you can't change that sort of timing and I think if you push it too hard you could fuck like it could back it could mean that you wouldn't have something later down the line If you guys start dating and you move to another city for, like, work, like, you will regret it. Yeah. It, like, inherently hampers your experience of, like, moving to a new place.

Yeah, we've talked about it. We've had so many episodes like that. So keep that in mind as well. Yeah. Should we go on to the next? I am 20 years old, and I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy that I met last year in college, and he has graduated and has a full-time job. And overall, things are going really well. We've been dating for like a year and two months about now.

and just lately I've been thinking a lot about the way that we have different opinions about things and a lot of them seem like small things but then like if I think about it enough it seems like it could end up being a big deal and I just don't really know how to approach a lot of it especially since we're long distance but um specifically we have had conversations um numerous times about how we kind of have different opinions on what it means to be supportive um and basically I think that if you are dating or friends with someone or just you know any loved one you should support them even if you don't maybe agree with everything they're doing um if you're all adults then I think the adult thing to do is to just support your loved ones and he seems to think

that if he strongly disagrees with something that someone else thinks or does then that means that he shouldn't support them and I just feel very conflicted about it um and it kind of confuses me and it makes me feel like maybe um I'm not always going to have his support which kind of sucks to think about um since I want him to be my partner for a really long time um so i guess i'm kind of just asking for opinions um does it seem like maybe he's being unreasonable which i think he is or am i um i don't know i just it bothers me that he thinks that there are certain situations where he might not have to give me his support unconditionally wow you're you're you're calling into i'm pretty sure a whole room of people who

agree with your boyfriend do you want our opinion well yeah that's what she calls but but did she really go in here's the thing sir do you understand the fucking premise of this podcast i do i do understand the premise of the podcast but i also understand that like there is a site there's a psychological trick that's not my problem that people i know it's not your problem you're gonna agree with what i'm about to say there's a psychological trick that people pull on themselves in which they will like reach out to a resource that confirms the way that they think and i 100 think that's what i think that's what she's doing welcome welcome to our podcast so nice to have you here no that's what i mean like this is what people all the fucking time yeah yeah and it's

our job to tell you that you're wrong this is this is so i'm so sorry if you never listened to the podcast ever again but i think this is so off base i think i don't think that and i don't necessarily think that you realize like what you're necessarily saying because okay let's say and i i mean this has happened with everyone before like your friend your friend is a raging alcoholic you don't support them in continuing to be a raging alcoholic like that's not like you support them as a friend and as a person but you don't necessarily need to support someone's decisions and i think that's what you need to differentiate between your boyfriend can support you but that doesn't mean he supports every decision that you make because sometimes you

make dumb shit you do do stupid shit and if your partner is like i support that decision it's a great idea then inherently they're not supporting you they're supporting like bad choices and things that don't actually assist or aid you or help you along your life it's the same thing like i you don't support a racist like there's all of these things like and I think if if you want to it does also doesn't mean that he doesn't love you you can disagree on something and like we'll disagree if like yeah we'll disagree on stuff like that all the time and I think that's fine and valid but I think the people who care about you the most are going to call you out when they say that when they don't when they see something and they don't think it's the right choice or move to make but your

partners shouldn't i don't i mean they should unconditionally love you but i don't think they should support every decision that you make because i think that's it's enabling yeah and it's just it's it's so we like what do you want in a like i don't know that's just kind of like a sidekick like you just want a hype man you don't want someone who's gonna necessarily like like not even just coexist but collaborate with you and have that back and forth in that kind of discussion and in turn the same thing like what if he does like what if like one day you guys are married let's say and if he decided that he's like you know what i've decided that i want to i want to have i want to give all of my money away and i want to live in an rv and you're

supposed to support him unconditionally because then that it's attached to you do you want to sell all do you want to get rid of all of your money and live in an rv or anything like that if he decides hey i want to start murdering people and you're like great cool let me grab the fucking shovel dude like you don't and even in like smaller things like hey i want to spend i want to i want to start spending i want to put 50 of our income towards lottery tickets do you and like are you supposed to support that unconditionally or if he's like hey i want to rob a bank there's all of these different things but if you think about even your friends like if your friends like hey i want to start i don't know beating people up for the fun of it i want to

start doing anything that's just not cool. Like, no, you don't support people that like in, in bad decisions, you can support them through the good decisions, but I think it's not controlling them and telling them like, Oh, you can't do that. But like, if they ask for your honest advice and your honest opinion, give it. Yeah. I mean, you, um, like, do you make perfect decisions all the time? Like, do you, what, what would happen if it was just like, yeah, go ahead, do it, do it, do it you took you kind of you I mean you said it you said it very well you um you kind of the RV example is kind of like what I was gonna say I was gonna say what if what if you guys got married and then he was like a lawyer or something and then he was like actually I want to go out and

spend six years getting my PhD in philosophy and so I can get a 30 grand a year adjunct teaching job at a community college like are you ride or die she's listening to too many rap songs she wants to ride or die she bonnie clyde that's what you bonnie bonnie and clyde that's what you want yeah i'm gonna be really harsh um i think your way of thinking is inherently self-centered yeah um Um, and, uh, I, I, I grew up in Denver. Um, there are people in my life, just to use like a very like timely example, that are, um, Republicans. I do not support them.

I love them. I support them in other things that they do in their life. In some of like the business decisions they've made and like have asked me for advice about. in some of, like, the personal decisions they made about, like, you know, oh, should I, you know, I'm thinking about asking this person to marry me or we're thinking about having a kid. I support them in that. I do not support them inherently in their political beliefs.

I've told them that. It has not changed our relationship. It's changed our relationship a little bit, but it hasn't materially changed our relationship. But they know I do not support that, that portion of their life. and they are responsible enough and rational enough to realize that because I do not support them in that doesn't make me a bad actor in their life like that because of that one that one thing or two things that I don't support them on I'm therefore like a bad person or like I'm I'm out

to like ruin their life that kind of sounds like what your definition of support is and like you really need to reassess that because it is if you are if you are only going to look for people in your life or you're only going to have people in your life that support every single decision you make no matter how bad or every single opinion you have no matter how misplaced you're going to be very lonely or um you're gonna live in a fantasy land that is gonna get broken in a very like um unsympathetic and merciless way yeah you can't surround yourself with only yes men and like yes people like it just doesn't it doesn't work but i also think like it's healthy debate and discussion is fine when it comes to certain things but i think you also and i take it back to my first

point I don't think I'm hoping I'm really hoping that your definition of like support unconditionally you're not thinking in this big picture and like now that we're saying this you're like oh well no that totally makes sense but if it's if your boyfriend's highly critical if he's like if you want to get your nose pierced he's like no don't do that that's you there are certain choices that are all you and if he's giving you unsolicited advice and like negative opinions and all of that sort of stuff he's not supporting you wanting to like pick up a new hobby or supporting you having your own friends and stuff like that there's all there's all of those different those different things that I'm I'm hoping that's what you're thinking more of and in that case if he's not

supporting like your happiness and that sort of stuff then I think that that's definitely some things you should evaluate but in the same way if your friend was in an abusive relationship you wouldn't support the relationship you'd support your friend and you might even if you might even support those two people individually and wanting the abuser to get help and figure out what's going on with them and changing their ways and you support your friend who's going through it but you don't support the relationship you're not yeah you're being in you're not aiding in that kind of bad behavior but yeah I would just have a bigger conversation with him about that because I don't think I yeah I don't I think you guys are probably on the same page but I don't think

you're communicating well and if you're not then you must have parents who told you you were great 24 7 every single day and all of that sort of stuff and yeah i think you'll be you'll it's gonna be a harsh fucking reality when you realize that that's not how the world works like that's not how not only it's not how relationships work it's just not how the world works at all it's not it's not built to fulfill that system of yes yes yes everything you do is perfect and right all of the time and then also like are you just gonna like i always think about in the sense of if you are perfect exactly how you are now then like what you just downhill from here like do you get worse or like are you just done like that's so cool from personal

experience i just elevated well i mean you know well like you've ascended yeah i i agree with that Like if what you're talking about is like if you went to, you know, if you FaceTime with your boyfriend, you're like, I want to volunteer in a women's support group. And he was like, oh, don't do that. I don't want you to talk to other women. Then like you should not listen to him. But if your ability to like distinguish between good opinions and bad opinions and like good advice and bad advice like is materially like diminished if you don't want to hear other opinions. How do you listen to our podcast? So like if you have a job, right, with a supervisor,

it's likely that a supervisor is going to be like, yeah, I don't think like you did that perfectly. The first try. Can you try again? Or I think you need to do this a little bit more. Are you just going to be like, well, this person's not supportive in my life. Like I fucking quit. Like no.

Then you're going to go to another job. Maybe the same thing's going to happen. So like, maybe that's what she's had. She's doing. And he's like, not supportive of that. Learn a little objectivity.

You're not perfect at all. And nobody is. And the people closest to you are the ones who should be the ones who are calling you out on it. It shouldn't be like the strangers. That's the people you should trust the most to give you an honest opinion. Yeah. Let us know what happens.

If you ever listen to the podcast again. You may have just lost a listener. Yeah. Okay, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back. next call hi guys we're back from our break now we're getting into it when i say so hi megan melissa and guest um i was just calling for some advice um just some relationship advice so me and

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about three years. We are sophomores in college. And basically, my question is, he recently has brought up to me that he has wanted to try psychedelics or shrooms. And just a little backstory, he doesn't really do drugs or anything. I mean, he does smoke sometimes. sometimes and uh uh he drinks and I don't really I mean I have never smoked and I mean I've occasionally drank but it's not really my scene but I mean I've never had a problem with it in a relationship because it's just something that's fine with me as long as it's not interfering

um but with this I don't know why but it feels different um and I I'm trying to keep an open mind about it but basically my question is if I'm crazy for not wanting him to do it I pretty much told him that I didn't want to and he agreed like he was obviously he wasn't just going to do it knowing that I didn't want him to um but obviously he was kind of not sad but you know disappointed um so like obviously I don't want to be controlling like that's just not what our relationship is about but I don't know I feel like I'm just wondering if like saying that he shouldn't do it is like is like a good thing to do I don't know I kind of feel controlling and I've asked my friends about it and they say it's fine they say they do the same thing but then

again they kind of have the same lifestyle as me so it's kind of understandable that they'd kind of have the same take so I was just wondering your guys take on it well all you can control is um the fact that you can tell them how you feel um but did he ask you how you feel no but that's what I'm saying yeah um I think like it's it's your right to say um I don't think this is a good idea i hope that you don't do them and the other thing you control is if he doesn't listen to you and um he does like drop acid or like um do shrooms or whatever um you can say you know and he's like i i want to keep doing this you can you can say look i'm not comfortable with that and maybe we should take a break or maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore.

You shouldn't, you shouldn't have to alter. When it comes to something like this, like you, this isn't like something that you necessarily need to feel accommodating of. Like you can't control like what he's going to do, but like you can control like how you deal with it. because look like in the event that like you're like oh whatever like it should be fine just someone that has um seen this and he goes out and he drops acid and then he like freaks out and like breaks all your shit or like you're taking care of them like that'll be pretty

annoying and like you could have and it would feel more annoying if you had been like oh yeah no i get it like it's just like yolo like cool like dude she doesn't sound like a yolo yeah that said like um you just have to reconcile with the fact that he's he might do it anyway we have very different takes on this i think it i think controversial opinion i think it is a little controlling if someone doesn't ask hey i'm like so i can go do this shit i think if he's too old well so that's what i was gonna say yeah that's the other thing you're you're like 20 this is the time to experiment this is when you do when you're a sophomore and call all of that sort of stuff i think at this point now if you were like hey i really want to go first of all if you were like

hey i want to go to fucking burning man and like have an experience oh man perfect segue so so here's what i'll say though i am i want to hear you hear my pitch like you talk so i have these awesome patent leather like colonel general hats that we can both wear i thought we can finally match those chaps that's what i thought so too my my my just like quick tangent my my favorite it won't be quick my favorite subgenre of instagram posts that i see are like young no young entertainment professionals that go to burning man like one week a year and they're like this is what it's all about and it's like for sure uh this is not the advice that you're gonna get from anybody else

or the state take you'll get from like an actual professional um but i rank drugs i rank drugs in in order of like consequences and side effects and uh addiction and all of that stuff and psychedelics are just above weed that's it's the of if it's not it's not coke it's not i think that it also if it's not a drug that ended up in the beginning sequence of csi with a girl face down in a pool dead then it's not as scary to me and so but i also think about it in age age terms and so at this point as i'm like a 26 year old if he if if you were about to be like hey i want to go out and like go do like a bunch of fucking coke with my friends I'd be like yeah I don't support that so if that's what you want to do that's not the kind of really that's not who I want to be

with I'm out but I'm not going to like be like you can't do that but being curious is totally valid and it's very fair it's okay to be curious with drinking it's okay to be curious about drugs and all that stuff and the only real or the time that you get a really big issue there is if you don't have a lot of awareness and education around it and that's how you can end up putting yourself in a really unsafe situation, not being with the right people when you're taking it, not taking the right amount of something and not knowing the side effects or being like, Hey, do I have any history of schizophrenia in my family? Then I should stay away from psychedelics. Like that should be something that I shouldn't really partake in. Or if I have a family history of

addiction, I'm not going to, I'm going to let my doctor know before I get a prescription from getting my wisdom teeth out and I'm getting like Oxy and I'm going to ask for something that's far less addictive um uh painkiller so that but if you don't if it's just like a big no sort of thing that's how I think really sketchy and bad stuff can kind of happen and I mean I've done drugs I've and and I think about like I think the first yeah I yeah but the the older that I got and I definitely like don't I don't do like hardcore I like I like I dabbled in a hearty drug every once in a while and every once in a while i mean like three times three times three occasions you know like three weekends i was safe about it and i think about it if i had

done that and if i hadn't had like friends or people i could like turn to or feel like i had some knowledge about it i probably could have taken some really fucked up shit and it could have been like a big mistake and i think the fact that he's talking to you about it i think if he asks your opinion you can be like I mean honestly it's not my ideal circumstance like but if that's something that you want to do as long as that you're safe about it I know where you are you have like a plan for everything then like go ahead kind of just like do what you're gonna do but if someone who wants to experiment with drugs isn't your like isn't who you want to be with it's not about changing him I think it's about then knowing like okay cool this is not the

relationship for me so that yeah yeah and I think that's kind of what I was trying to say um so I think like what we're both saying like fits together hi Megan I'm 22 and I'm pretty new to the dating and sex stuff so the guy I'm with right now is really into orgies and I don't really mind that he can do it on his own time but he's also really into watching me having sex with someone else he he asked me if I had any sex tapes and right now he asked me if I can have sex with someone else and tape it for him so I don't really know what what should I do i told him it's not really my thing i told him like i'm not really down to it but should i keep seeing him or is he better off with someone who who's down to do those things

with him i'm picturing her like the tiniest little she's thumbelina she's thumbelina and she's with a cuck that's what he is apparently not apparently he's like some weird like cuck orgy like dom hybrid that multifaceted yeah for someone who's not that's actually experienced you i mean you talk about a trial by fire what's the guy from um 50 days of gray gray christian gray that's essentially what you're walking into i i i find it so fascinating when like these two types of people meet because i feel like it happens like so much more than you think you know like oh i don't really like i don't have that much experience then like literally the plot of hitchhikers of grass and that yeah and then like you know the checkout person at urban

outfitters they have a crush on is like yeah by the way like you know i like to have sex with like eight or nine people every weekend together also i just being like not kink shaming at all but like that just like logistically being into orgies of all the things to be into there's so many moving pieces like you have to really plan and find out that's what i need to find all of those people like that's not an easy one to have i don't know what's like the definite like what's the number definition of like an orgy four four because a threesome and then anything after three that's an orgy my mind goes to eight though i mean i can but that's like a put all right put it this way i'm a big gang bang i i'm like you're telling the ratio i'm a big i'm a big golfer normal golf

four people right and we have like a standing group we struggle to get together to go golfing every weekend and we have a standing like but maybe you guys would be more proactive if there was sex there's like sex involved like dick involved maybe maybe if you guys knew you're gonna get your prostate tickled you'd show up i'm gonna send this to your group uh no they they they're on the lookout for this uh actually this i just realized this is gonna come out when i'm like on a bachelor party trip with all of them so we're all gonna like gather around the laptop so yeah okay wow getting to the caller yeah so here's what i would say i would say like i think it's great that he's being super forthcoming with the stuff that he's into but i think you also

it needs to be a conversation with him of being like okay are you if i'm not into this kind of stuff and you said that you're you're fine with him doing whatever he wants to do and like whatever he's into um ask him like is this something that you're looking for in a partner or not and i would also say you're hesitant you asking like oh should i just like move on and let him find someone else also if you're if you're not actually like that into the stuff that he's doing and going like like orgies and him all of that kind of stuff like if you feel like you kind of need to be like that or you don't have a ton of experience and you like him if it's not something you're comfortable with that's okay and even if you have said that you're comfortable with it I don't want

to like put ideas into your head that you're not actually you totally can be but it can also be up to you that that's not something that you're into it doesn't have to be like okay he's he wants to date someone who's like that and I'm not like that so therefore he won't want to date me you're also it's okay if you want to date someone who's not into stuff like that but i would just ask him and have a conversation with him and yeah don't agree to anything and you don't sound like you are at all which is great like agree to any don't agree to anything that you're not the kinks that he's um trying to sell you not sell you on but like get you to participate in are kinks that could potentially like put you yourself in at risk so if he wants you to go out and find someone to have

sex as a one-off and film it um that person may be a carrier of something that you don't want to that person might be a bad actor like what if you film it and then they publish it i mean that's a reality of like the time we live in and that would have no effect on him probably and it would have all the effect on you well this is also a kink that involves you yeah exactly it's not it's not like oh hey i really like this it involves you but it's not like just the two of you trying something oh it's an extracurricular activity yeah so like and i think like because you articulate it like you've already prepared yourself for this eventuality which is it doesn't sound like you're comfortable with this at all so you should probably follow megan's advice say is this

something that you absolutely need right now in a relationship someone that's like um down to try these things with you and participate in these things with you and if he says yes then you should be like okay that's great um i'm not that person uh we should see other people i'll still be your friend but i'm not gonna be your kink vehicle anymore and i mean you already like are beyond accommodating like literally saying like yeah if he wants to participate in stuff like that on his own time not a lot of people like you out there so like i guess good for you also did she say how long they've been dating because there's a i am i'm i'm torn in the sense of i think if you have a deal breaker kink and i think that's really important to discuss early on

into dating somebody and i think you should express that because it should be something that you don't get into a relationship with someone and then kind of spring some like a very important thing on but at the same time i'm also wondering how long it's been and he's brought these two things up to you and if it's if it is a little too early on that this could be like a red flag but i don't want to say it's a red flag because i think that's i'm kind of she said that she's new to dating that's why i'm assuming it's newer it's probably newer yeah what an introduction yeah i think there's the right time to bring up i think there's a right time and a right way to bring up i think that this is something you bring up real soon though if you're into this but wouldn't

you also bring it up is in like a this is a deal breaker for me there is and i'm not to like treat him as like predatory at all at any point but people fetishize women who don't have a ton of experience and i don't want you to get caught up into something where someone's recognizing that taking advantage of it's like it's even if you think of like a young i mean girls who aren't that young but who look really young and who are like short and petite that becomes like this like it's this fetishized thing and i don't want you to get caught up in that so i think it's also don't think about it yeah maybe don't think about it in terms of all of these things but think about it like what's your judge of his character and who he is and like do you trust him like him as a

person um before him as all of these other things because i think that will also give you some insight into whether or not you even want to continue to pursue all of this stuff well let us know if you guys have ever participated in cooking very curious what i'm curious i am too you've got a leo and an aquarius here for like okay should we go on to an update an update yeah we're gonna get an update slash they're asking for more advice um i am 22 and i have actually um been featured on the podcast before um at the time i was calling about a breakup i was in the episode with Alexi Wasser. Um, you may or may not be glad to know that I am beyond happy now. Um, that breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me since then I moved home. I changed schools,

found a program that I'm super duper passionate for and have become like miles more confident in myself. And looking back on that relationship and also that podcast episode, I severely downplayed how toxic that relationship was and how emotionally abusive he was to me. He was very codependent and everything was my fault and he was never wrong. And I was stupid for ever thinking otherwise. Um, so fast forward and I have met a new guy. Um, I really didn't want to, I I'm loving being single and, um, but this guy is just like sweet, like as sweet as can be. And we get along really well. And he thinks I like the earth is on my shoulders. Um, and it's a really, really good feeling and I know he would never hurt me and he knows sort of about the baggage that I have

and we've already had a couple conversations about it because I am scared to push the relationship um we were exclusive for like eight hours and then I sent him a big long essay about how I'm just not ready and I'm so sorry and it's not anything you have done it's all me um and if you're not cool with this like it's totally fine and he responded just with like thanks for being honest and like I honestly I kind of agree I think we're moving really fast and so he's super like considerate and sweet and understanding and he's great and there's I don't think there's really much wrong with him except for the fact that my family would hate him my family's very traditional and he's very not um so that's like one thing but that's like way down the line um but the other

thing is I am loving being single and being independent and I plan on going to therapy to like handle the trauma that I um dealt with with my last relationship but in the meantime while I'm healing I would just really like some advice he already knows that like I want to move slow and I appreciate him so much for that and I appreciate any advice you could give to someone who's just trying to heal but also be happy and actually be selfish for once thank you no I agree with you it's like I didn't say anything how can you agree with me no what does it mean to be a traditional oh yeah well they can't hear that that's what I yeah I am curious when people say that though a lot that that's like oh like I come from really

traditional background and like he's like my second brother's not like i have no long hair like that's what i think i have no fucking idea what that means do they mean because like what's traditional you know what i think about i don't know what racism that's the part that i wonder no but you know where my mind went what you know like the fact that the house bunny stars the lead singer from all american rejects okay first of all he does not star in it he makes a two second cameo he's like the guy it's colin farrell no colin colin hanks uh no but he's like fuck yeah he's like the initial he's old as hell i know but the dude from like all american rejects is like the initial guy right no he makes like a literally a 30 second but she's like it's he's like the guy

who she likes at first yes and no one even i never even knew that it was the guy from all american rejects until mott's finally watched he goes oh my god i just think about that like like it's that guy oh okay he's in a band he plays bass he plays bass oh my god such like a violation of our like family mores but i also wonder if it's maybe it's a religion like some it's religious if it's like my family's really christian and he's an atheist or something yeah he's bernie's oh my god um okay here's what i would say um i think therapy is a really great idea i think that's where your top priority and focus should be is getting into therapy because i think through therapy you'll and i've learned a lot of too is that there is no

traditional way to get over trauma and what do you mean by traditional there's like it's not it's not this black and white sort of thing and i think in your mind there is a there's a process of being like i should be single and this is something and you enjoy being single but also there there you're you can have independence and you should have independence in a relationship being in a relationship shouldn't mean giving up your independence and i think because you are in such a toxic relationship before those things kind of go hand in hand and i think through therapy you'll find how it how getting over how working through all of this is going to be because it's going to be different for you than anyone else

and I think being communicative with this guy that you're seeing is really great and then I would also think on why do you like being single what do you like about being single do you like dating other people do you like all that stuff like if it is those sort of very um standard like the definition of being single if it's that then totally stay single but if you're what you like about being single is because you're not in a controlling relationship that might the new guy might not be a controlling relationship. It might be like, you still have your, you should still have your independence. You should still be able to hang out with your friends and do all of this sort of stuff and not feel like you're becoming a part of like an entity and like you're losing

a part of yourself. So I would figure that kind of stuff out. Um, and because yeah, I think taking it slow in a new relationship is good regardless of what like baggage or personal stuff that you're bringing into it because I think the starting a relationship slow at least for me if you're I don't want to say you're hyper I'm definitely hyper paranoid of like people's intentions and how they feel about me and not getting hurt and stuff like that and the slower that you do take it the more confident you can be that when someone is revealing their feelings and how they really feel about you it's because they know you and it's because they're able to make that decision because they've spent time getting to know you and you've kind of taken you've taken

your time through all of that um and it doesn't feel triggering necessarily but I think the more you can communicate with him is a great thing and then I would also spend a lot of time doing stuff that you like and hobbies and hanging out with friends and all of that kind of stuff and then if it is like dating other people totally go for it and he sounds like a great guy but also like from the beginning timing is such a huge thing he can be a great guy but he could also like maybe that's not the next person you want to date. Like maybe you do want to continue to be casual and see other people. And that doesn't mean that you're missing out on the only other good guy that there is. There's a million other guys like him. And you just happened to be with someone who was

awful and terrible, but that's not the norm. So I think it's smart to not rush into something else new just because it kind of like cleanses your palate from the other thing. Um, he can be like a great guy and it can be okay if you just don't yeah you just don't want to date seriously and you just want to continue to have fun and all that I wouldn't know obviously from um experience but what I would assume it feels like when you get out of a relationship that is um pretty emotionally toxic and where you're kind of like the victim of a lot of that toxicity is it can be pretty discomb I'm guessing it can be pretty discombobulating I don't mean to laugh I'm sorry um in the sense that like you say you like being single because I'm guessing like you're like oh

I can go to the gym wearing a sports bra and I don't like get a text like are you wearing a sports bra at the gym are guys looking at it uh and it's like wow this is amazing so yeah I would take a couple months and figure out like it's not even like what you like about being single i i think that's that's part of it but another way of like thinking about is like what do you like doing as a normal person yeah that's what i mean i think that's i think that's the part that you're associating relationships and like singlehood with your past relationship which is totally valid but that's not the norm yeah and i think that when i say a hundred percent i think what I'm what I'm saying is like you know it can be discombobulating it's like you literally have

nothing to just like compare or you can't discern like yeah what it means to be just like a regular independent person in the scope of like a relationship the therapy term that my well yeah my therapist is always it's the you if you coming from trauma and everything like that you question your own reality and you question is is what I'm seeing true is what I'm going through is this normal is it not because your frame of reference and what you look back on to your association with whatever relationship it is that was what was ingrained as normal in your brain and then also the same thing that you said which you you called yourself like i can't believe i was so stupid to miss all that not stupid people who are when you get into an emotionally abusive

relationship it's use this analogy a thousand times it's you put the lobster into the cold water and then you turn the heat up and you're like how the fuck did i end up here like no one walks into a relationship where like you can if you could see the red flags the first time it wouldn't have happened like it's manipulative and so that becomes yeah you start comparing everything to it and questioning is this one of those signs that i missed the first time around and fuck the last dude that dude sucked yeah very sucky dude um well happy you're out of that situation and uh hell yeah go to therapy it's a great time i mean i don't say it's a great time like it's a it's it's it's a it's a good time it's not necessarily great all the time but the

outcomes are all great it's a blast plus our therapist told me this killed me she told me that i had mentioned how i didn't have a ton of friends um but i was like i was like i'm fine with it um and then she was like really and i was like yeah i'm a lot and she goes if i wasn't your therapist i'd be your friend that's all you've ever wanted that's you've been talking about this for a while i've ever and then she gave me kinetic sand to play with and i was playing with it in our last session and then she's like take that home i was like no and she goes no no take it and i was like she uses it for children and me i love her she's the best okay well that's that's what we've got uh thanks guys so much for listening if you want to call in for an upcoming episode leave us

voicemail at 310-694-0976 um and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com please follow me on instagram my engagement sucks uh also follow the podcast don't blah mean pod all of our socials are listed down below if you want to listen ad free stitcher premium um and oh guys please pre-order my book it is coming out may 5th may 5th right yeah may 5th and it's on amazon it's on amazon you can pre-order wherever books are sold that let you pre-order it's called you're not special you can just search megan ranks you're not special or you're not special book give it a pre-order it will make me so incredibly happy um and if you guys like this episode please rate us and if you want to watch

it we're on youtube too you can see us sit awkwardly far apart and um that's it guys we'll see you next time do you have any last words he proposes on the air i'm fucking with you you did say your engagement sucked so but you were talking about your engagement so you know what would cure my engagement sucking getting engaged um no thanks for having me uh okay bye guys don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator Amanda Lechner and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.