Don't Blame Me! - S5E14: Guest: His D is Dirty with Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

This week we're sharing our advice on what to do if: A guy confesses having feelings for you when he's drunk Having sex with your hot husband feels like a chore Women are DM'ing you that your boyfriend is cheating Your husband kept details about his crazy ex away from you.    We also have an update from a caller who's recent boyfriend was coming on too strong.   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me ow i bit my tongue i'm okay i don't taste pennies yeah i kind of like the taste of blood i'm just joking oh sorry i was not about to be like well it's not my least favorite yeah it's not my least favorite do you want to hear something that a relevation that sydney and i had maybe jerry what revelation did i say relevation i'm combining it with ballet i've always done that though um is that a blender when like a blender is blending um it kind of smells like period blood

because you know how period it's like it's like a little different than do you mean it's like more irony than regular blood yeah and it smells like it i'll have to yeah pay attention next time it was like we were in the kitchen we were like hello i thought our best friend jake was there and he was like good to know well guys uh this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast if you're new here welcome okay well guys um if you want to call in for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com any other housekeeping stuff we have oh guys pre-order my book i'm gonna say it again eventually may 5th

was i with you when i was trying to figure out yeah amanda figured it out i was like may 5th that's like was that a holiday cinco de mayo so eat some tacos read my book yeah it's gonna be really exciting like the day before because i pre-ordered it usually when you pre-order it you get like before one day before i guess i should order my own book yeah that's cool because think about it when it comes in the mail and you get to open it it's exciting that is exciting yeah moths didn't pre-order until much later he's like oh do i need to and i was like bitch what november 18 2018 is when i ordered it yeah so so uh and was it still pre on pre-order when i went to amazon it like showed you ordered this okay you know like when when i went to the page on amazon

it tells you at the top if you pre-ordered if you bought it already okay so everybody if you check your amazon if you already pre-ordered it and make sure it still says pre-ordered so you can get it it's gonna be good i just picked my author photo oh i was like do you want me to photoshop the bruise off of my leg i don't even want to keep it in no i'm like sitting no there's nothing professional about like because it was like am i not gonna do it i don't have like a headshot i like i'm covered in confetti and glitter for like all of them that's it i have oh oh i know this photo shoot yeah yeah that was a while ago i know i know i'm thankfully like for a long time or for like once i had like my like uh emotional breakdown and dyed my hair platinum

blonde and we're like yeah i mean you guys were literally in the thick of it with me nobody else experienced it more than you two um but uh my hair was darker in those photos and i was like gosh i mean maybe that's the reason why the book didn't come out because i needed to look like it so now my roots are growing out i'm i'm becoming more of that yeah i like it i like in the illustrations that katrina does she always makes sure your roots are darker um first of all so she started blending them but for a minute there i was like katrina i'm gonna have to have a talk with you right now and like you're giving me like a full-on banding stripe and like my hairstylist would be pissed because it's not that stark and like when it was platinum 100 that's fine but i don't even

think we were doing the graphics back then she started blending them and i didn't say anything but i was i was very close to be like bitch she kind of made they're more 3d now looking the animation has changed yeah she's doing a great job she is doing a great job you guys uh give her a what's her it's it's a creative right katrina creates i think katrina henning Creates. Katrina with a K and Hennings with two N's. She hasn't posted in a while. Maybe go hound her and tell her to start posting

on her. Yeah. Okay, should we actually get into this episode? Let's do it. Hi, Megan, Melissa, Impossible Guest. I am 19 years old and the other night, Saturday night, I didn't go out but this guy, he's 23.

He goes to the same college as me. So he's a senior. I'm a sophomore. He came over after a night out with his friends and it was around like midnight that he came over it was the first time I've ever met him but we had been texting for a bit he is a very busy person he's the head of a really like popular group at my school and he also has an internship and all that like he's a very smart guy but also really popular in a way he had a lot of like the guy friends on the football team and a lot of like close girlfriends um so he came over super sweet guy I think we really hit it off and he was

drunk so I wasn't and he was not like too intoxicated because you know he just he wasn't falling over but he was a bit drunk and he was saying some things like when we were sitting it was just getting a little deep for the first time that I've met him and like I don't know if I should take that as him being just intoxicated or if he actually meant it like he was saying stuff like I don't normally sleep around with girls like this is a big step for me I didn't come over here just to like sleep with you I actually want to get to know you blah blah blah and I was like okay well good because I'm not looking for just a friends with benefits type situation and he was like well neither am I and I'm not the type of guy to just like sleep with

someone and then never talk to them again that's not who I am and I was like in my head I'm like okay this is good blah blah blah so then obviously we like did some stuff and he ended up staying the night and the next day I was just like I had to go to work so he just left whatever but he didn't text me the next day I had to text him first and he was very short with me um now like I get that he's busy but I don't know if I should try to reach out anymore and take what he said as him just being drunk so if you could give me any advice on these types of drunk conversations that would be great thank you so much bye did she say that they met on tinder or they just started texting i don't understand a lot of this

like i was texting how do you know 23 he's 23 yeah but she kept going on and on about him being like popular in school and stuff like this was high school but it's college yeah and so like were you like none of that stuff had anything to do with what the call was so are you trying to like imply that you're out of his league or he's out of her league yeah yeah that's what i mean yeah that's what i don't i don't know i think you're trying to give us like person at like this is the kind of guy that he is that maybe he's just super friendly i'm confused how you guys started texting a bunch and then he came over once while drunk maybe they're in the same group but they never met each other oh do you know what i mean so i don't know if maybe you

matched on a dating app or like friends of friends of something of the sort here's what i will say as um uh an ex frequent partier uh i think that for some people drunk words are sober thoughts and i think for other people drunk words are a bag of lies a sack of lies me sack of lies me too i lie straight through my teeth when i'm drunk oh my god my name's never been megan ever not fucking once like i will say anything like i will just i don't really give a shit uh and i think i don't know i mean i think in in full trend like to be fully transparent i think a guy who's super into you if he's really drunk knows that you're sober i don't think he's gonna come over because i think like he does that's embarrassing like when moths would have come home drunk he would

literally like you were there when i was birthday he just will like hey run straight to the bedroom and be like do not like will not talk to like doesn't want me to see that he's drunk like i saw him and i was like time for me to go and he literally just like was like hey stop like will not even kiss me hello and just like yeah she has no clue and i'm like i fucking knew but so i i just don't think i don't know i think if he was comfortable enough to like show up pretty drunk and know that you're sober yeah i just think that's very casual like okay with kind of embarrassing himself and saying whatever and all of the things that he was saying are like that's the epitome of what you say to get into someone's pants i'm not that type of boy i'm not

that type of boy i never do this like i'm looking and also the first time you meet him if he's not looking for you're just friends with benefits you're looking for something serious he would have you would have gone out on a date like it wouldn't and also because you've been you've been talking for a while it's not like you just met this one night or anything like that like you're gonna you're gonna have this whole like big game of talking each other and then this is gonna be like the first interaction yeah and it's gonna be like getting physical which is fine but also it kind of just i don't know it's like it's the stuff you say to like get into your pants yeah so i think that like he the next morning probably woke up and was like i don't maybe he doesn't even know

that he was there he might not even remember what he had said or anything like that i've definitely been there i told a guy that i had terrible sex with that like i was like yeah we should be friends with benefits it'll be totally fun and he brought it up i was like i fucking said that it was the worst thing i've ever had like why would i say that so i think like if he's not gonna reach out to you i would you you already had you already texted him first but i would just i don't want to say cut your losses but i would just kind of take it for like what it was potentially like him just saying that to like want to hook up with you and it sounds like he wants to fuck if you're going to come over drunk to a girl's apartment like you want to fuck but like that's like a

fuck buddy kind of action so i would just if he's serious and like wants to date you i think you need to like pull back and he needs to come 100 yeah and he and also if anyone's like well he might be embarrassed okay let him be embarrassed and let him get the fuck over if he likes you then he'll overcome his embarrassment and he'll apologize like if it's like you don't need to handhold people to like through life to do like the right thing like let them do it because otherwise if they're not going to do it without you kind of helping them along to do it then like oh yeah he has to learn on his own so yeah i would just be like bye i also just want to know how you guys are texting so much and i feel like it has to be a dating app yeah like the first time

you meet and also no one's that cool like when you talk about like oh he's got all these friends got like internship and all that stuff he told you all that that's like hey i'm really busy but you know what i mean though when you when you like give this whole long story of like all the stuff that he did like all of that you're you're he's giving himself an out or you're giving him an out yeah like well it would make sense like he's so busy he has all this stuff going on and then you feel special because he's spending a little bit of time with you i was president of so many clubs in college very popular it was on the dean's advisory board and like what does that mean that i would advise the dean on things to do what how he ran the campus wow yeah and so like

and you still have time to fuck that's what i'm saying like if you want to make time to get to know somebody then you will especially in college when you're only really like the only thing it's It's less time. It's still less time than a full-time job. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And proximity to where you are and just, like, it's easy. Like, you're, like, dicks are falling in your lap because he's falling in your lap.

Yeah. I don't buy his busyness. And I think you said that you're 19, so you're newish. You're a sophomore. 23 as a senior? Depends on when he started and if he's a super senior, too. I told you we had a seventh-year senior, right? Yeah.

um also I will just say too I think it's weird um I don't ever think it's really a good sign of one person is super drunk and also oh here's what I'll say we were like well he wasn't that drunk he wasn't falling over that you can't know how drunk someone is at all like at all like I was the epitome of like I could I would be blacked out and walking fine and I would be the last one sitting at the party I would never throw up like I was the epitome I would be like if you were like the cops are here Megan go talk to them and I'm the drunkest one there like I didn't never look it not never there were some times when i looked it but yeah i don't think that you but yeah i always just think it's a little odd to be comfortable not from your perspective from

i mean i mean if we're talking like in a consent way but i mean in his in his perspective like how are you comfortable being so fucking wasted around this girl who's not drunk at all yep like that's embarrassing maybe he didn't even realize he was there yeah could be that maybe he texts a bunch of girls and you were the one that hit yeah best of luck let us know what happens and uh uh if you're gonna hook up people protection right i'm married to a guy that i've been with for three years three and a half years and well i mean we're happily married he's an amazing man he's gorgeous he's got the perfect jaw structure he's muscular he's tan anytime we go out somewhere girls are always staring like he's he's beautiful but anyways whenever now in the beginning of our

relationship we used to do it all the time um we did anything and everything but now i just feel like it's a chore and i feel like i have to please him just so he doesn't get upset and because he says I turned him into a freak but anyways I just feel like it's a chore and I just need help to try to to get back in the mood to get back in the swing of things I'm very fortunate because I'm a stay-at-home mom and he lets me do whatever anything and everything I want to do but I just need help in that department because I just want to like I just want to please them but i don't know i'm just not ever in the mood and he's so what's the word he's kind of he's really needy and i don't know if that's a turnoff but i mean i guess i kind of like it but

i don't know girl i need some help boy yeah i'm really gonna have to um try and put myself in her shoes because this is very different do you know what i mean i think i tend to give and i know i give a lot of advice it's a whole point i'm giving advice from like my perspective and what i would do in a situation but i was watching the real and they were talking about uh the best kind of advice is not oh this is what if you're gonna if you're gonna say like oh this is what i would do say this is what i would do but then there's sometimes of it what's the best advice for you yeah and i think we're really different um i'm still probably gonna give you both versions i mean i would just say

and this could also be like a cultural difference and that whole thing the idea of like i don't i have to please him because i don't want him to be mad at me is like a really problematic statement and feeling like sex is a chore and i think just as a whole it's a lot and even saying i'm so fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom which sure but that's also really fucking hard like i don't think it's i don't yeah i don't know if i would consider like someone who has is a full-time mom luckier than a working mom i think they're equally as hard and in some situations one can be harder than the other like a day-to-day moment to moment um and then be like he lets me do whatever i want to do it just seems like um there's a i don't know it's a like a quote-unquote

traditional household power dynamic and i think if you're listening to our podcast that's not really what we're about yeah so i would like re-evaluate or or yeah or not even re-evaluate like focus on and pay attention to like what do you mean he'll get mad like do you feel like you have to have sex because that's the part it's like yeah sex will feel like a chore if if we're talking about like like take away like different sex drives and all of that stuff if it's like a change like sex like for me even sex will feel like a chore if i'm not getting off or i'm doing it if i'm not turned on at all or i'm not i'm not feeling like so you're not getting anything from it yeah or i'm not like so shit for what did you call it

the it's like our intimacy like it's not love language let the attraction one um shan budram she's it's on our website too and i took the the quiz and i'm so cold i'm shaking but i know i should um but i took the quiz because i was curious i made mods take it too and everybody has different ways that they're going to get turned on and so one of mine or mine is the most clearly obvious one and i think even the picture was of a lion and i was like yeah every leo will get this and it's uh like compliments and like attention and being like you look so super hot right now and if you're not getting that i wouldn't be in the mood either like if you're not getting if he's not if it's just like whenever he's in the mood hey like let's go

for it and he's not doing anything whether it's like sending you a sexy text through the day or just being like you look so hot right now or whatever that is for you that turns you on i think it's gonna feel like a chore and also you have a kid you're spending all day with a fucking kid taking care of your kid and then you have to come home and you have to your man's super needy and you have to take care of him too who's taking care of you right that's where i was gonna go who's taking care of you yeah um i don't know how old your kid is but it could be like a hormonal thing too um like after you have a child your body changes i don't know if it was like when you were like going at it was it before you guys had a kid and then now like after how long was like

postpartum is a long time how long ago um was the last time that you were like feeling um rubbed up to bang him yeah um and that you needed him and you were physically you said that he's hot but like are you actually attracted to him yeah and is he doing stuff that turns you on and not physically right like is he doing all that stuff and also if you're and like let's say your kid is a little bit older are you so fucking exhausted by the end of the day that he comes home and he's been doing like and also being a mom it's not predictable like every day is super different like you don't really know what's gonna happen like you flying by the seat of your pants and that kind of thing and like if he's got a normal like a nine to five job and he has his routine

and he can come home and like he can shut work off you know it's like working in your bedroom like you're not supposed to do like you literally are at home taking care of a kid and then he comes home and you're supposed to like shut that off and be like ready for it and like to go for it but i think you have to have a conversation with him about like or i think you need to figure out what it is that turns you on and you're attracted to and what he can do for that and then figure out what's your level of sex that you want to have and not about him because like it's all of this is like well i want to make sure i'm pleasing him i don't want him to be upset and also if he's getting upset with you for not having sex that's a red flag yeah it's a real that's a way bigger

issue and yeah it's it's he's just as lucky to have you as you are to have him and it really feels like you're putting him on this pedestal and you're just trying to like earn your keep and i don't think that's fair i yeah i think it's just a conversation you have to have but then also recognizing is this for you or is it for him right like are you getting are you feeling like horny when he's not around too like that's something to think about like if you um because like your mots isn't always around when you're feeling horny is he no and then you take care of yourself like are you feeling the emotions when even when he's not there and it needs to be something that you want like and if he doesn't care about what you want and it's about

what he wants or getting back to what it was before that's a bigger it's a bigger issue like obviously the whole you should want to please your partner more than you want to please yourself sure in the moment if you want but also you should want to please yourself on your own time then like you have to prioritize your pleasure and it's not your responsibility to prioritize his like i just think yeah i don't know it was a lot of like and yeah i hate to say that's a lot of like just like I would say red flags to me in the way you communicated all of it but I also understand that not to judge you by your accent it sounds like you might be from like a more quote-unquote again like traditional like gender roles kind of home but I don't think that you need to abandon

those to still be I don't know desired and valued yeah hey Megan and Melissa this is so weird for me to be calling but basically

I'm 21 my boyfriend is 20 we've been together for like a little over like a year and a half now um and we've been through so much fucking shit together but um basically i've been getting these dms from girls for you know like a few months now and i've just

been ignoring them and they're saying things like you know your boyfriend's cheating on you i have proof like sis i have proof and i'm like oh like whatever i bring it up with my boyfriend and he's like i don't know why they're dming me like i don't know who these girls are and i was like okay whatever i don't know probably shouldn't have listened to him but whatever i did because i love him and i just wanted to pretend that like shit wasn't bad but it is um and so yesterday i got this fucking dm sorry i'm swearing so much i probably shouldn't after that we'll just see i'm from this girl the same girl and honestly i've been blocking them and they've been making new accounts to tell me that my boyfriend is cheating on me and like

i'm sorry but like that seems pretty fucking legit and like i wouldn't make a new account just to like torment somebody about a relationship that i don't even know about you know and she's just like your boyfriend is cheating on you like i have proof um he i was in england for christmas or whatever, and, um, oh god, that was so fucking good, and I let him borrow my car, and I got this text from this girl, and she was like, um, your boyfriend got his dick sucked in the back of your blue car, and he said that you have a vagina infection, and, um, just, like, stupid shit, that was, like, it was too, like, while you were in England, he got his duck sick in the back, You, he got your, oh, fuck, you get it, you get it, you get it.

And I'm just like, okay, yeah, like, those are details that, like, I'm running out of time. But, fuck. It's like those are details that you can't just, like, make up. And basically, I don't know what to fucking do right now. I love him, and he's fucking sobbing in my arms all the time and, like, telling me, like, I confronted him. It's so fucking sad and emotional, and, like, I don't even know if I want to be in this relationship anymore. but like it's really hard because i care about him he's my best friend so yeah i'm sorry if this is too long but yeah i just really need advice right now because i'm so bad i do need to do bye

oh i want to give you a hug i had a friend in this exact situation like with the text like at the instagram accounts texting and all of that and your instincts are right no one does that to fuck with you and also at the end of the day if someone's doing that to fuck with you it's because like i mean actually people do that too like there's two options either she's doing it to fuck with you and she's sleeping with your boyfriend or her friend to sleep i would say or she's sleeping with your boyfriend or her friend to sleeping with your boyfriend and she's doing it to protect you or she's like there is no instance in which this is not real and this is also the reason why you're putting this into

question is also because everyone paints women as being crazy and like she's trying to steal my man that's not it do you know who came up with that narrative men men came up with the narrative literally yeah and that's what this is and my friend who is in the situation she got all these messages from this girl with all of this like yeah proof and all this stuff and she listened to her boyfriend again because she really loved him and it finally and this is the most heartbreaking part finally came out through her boyfriend's mom who the ex the girl reached out to the mom and was like i can't get through to her i can't tell her and it was his ex-girlfriend that he was hooking up with and mom loved the girlfriend so much she spied on her son figured it out and was like you

need to break up with him he's cheating on you wow and like that his mom could hear and see those messages and be like i'm gonna investigate this and that's his mom and someone who's like you know what like boy moms put their kids on pedestals like that's something like and even she was able to be like let me figure this out and i just he sound and even him crying in your arms and all that shit he's guilt like he's and the fact that he said he didn't know these girls like come on why would they pick her out of all people to target if he didn't know them yeah no it it makes no it makes sense and i don't know if you've done like the sleuthing of because i think here's the thing you're trying to communicate with him and people make mistakes

it totally happens people make mistakes and what happens i think the most important thing is how people recover and what they do after they've made it he's upholding it and he's manipulating you and gaslighting you in the sense that like that's and also like and i say that because him crying and get so emotional and you're having to comfort him that's gaslighting guilty he's completely flipping the situation but he's turning all of that but it's not he does not guilty so he's guilty but he doesn't respect you enough or want to change his behavior enough to admit what he did and then move on from there because you're clearly showing a lot of empathy like towards him and like trying to work through this and figure all this stuff out and he's not giving you that

same opportunity because here's the thing if you get cheated on you and you want to stay that's fine but you have to be able to make that choice and if he's not telling you then you're not you're not choosing that and that's also because he's like i don't know if she's going to continue to choose that right and i don't want to give her that option so i'm not going to let her know everything that happened so i would you know you wouldn't have called no she knows you know you know and maybe you need to stop talking to him about it look through his fucking phone look through his uber like look through there's a you can look through like the the locations he's at the most and all of that sort of stuff and then talk to this girl get the proof that you need

like that see where he was that day during christmas in your car like you can trace where he was you've got the dates see where he was yeah and and hear this person out and i think if i were you i would if you can meet up with them in person and yeah i think you just i think what you need to do right now is i don't know about meeting up because it might she might if this girl is crazy maybe it's not in public though i just mean in the sense that like don't or if you talk to her talk to her when you're out somewhere don't be at like if you live with your boyfriend or with your boyfriend like don't be in a place where he can get into your like get into your head and be like oh no she's crazy no no no or like deleting messages

or anything like that i i yeah i think you just need to figure out you need the proof because i think emotionally obviously you're hurting like it's awful and you know it but i think for you i think you might just need no stone left unturned like cold solid proof because it's hard because you did the responsible thing of reaching out to your boyfriend and talking to him about the first message that you got because you respect him and he's planted the seed of doubt in your head and then this girl is planting a seed of doubt in your head and you're like i don't know who the fuck to believe and trust and you need to believe and trust in yourself of like i need to find out all the information there's a reason why i think you're feeling a little on like i don't

know not tethered or not super decisive is because like you don't you love him and you don't have this like solid solid proof and i think you need to get it and i think you'll find it yep and it sucks it totally sucks but it's loving someone it's not enough at all you have to want to be in a relationship with someone and you can't want that for him if he doesn't want that then it doesn't matter how much he loves you or how much you love him or how much you want it to work he's not going to like make it work there's no point no he's he i could see like if he like fessed up to it and then he you were working towards like trusting him again but he's not giving you anything there it clearly he knows these girls yeah he knows them so the fact that

he lied and said that i don't know who they are that's just like another thing that messes with the trust so yeah just step away because he's not he doesn't want to tell you the truth no and here's the thing maybe you find out the truth and from there he is super forthcoming and you guys are able to work through that but you can't you need to know everything and you don't and like he's taking he's taking that away from you in a situation yeah and that's not that's not fair and that's gonna fuck with your head and obviously this has been like a really rough time for you in your relationship so you need to get all of the proof evidence find out the whole truth and then from there figure out what you want to do and also what he's capable and what he wants

to do too yeah it's hard to do that when you don't have all the facts laid out in front of you yeah you can't make a choice because you need to know and you don't even because you don't even know what your options are and also if if he yeah if he wants to work on this as bad as you do right which and maybe also there's also a part that of us in general that like sometimes you stay because you need to find out everything and once you find out everything then you can let go it's not even like oh then i'll be able to like make it work and we can figure it out it can also just be like i haven't been able to let go of this because i don't know everything and once you know everything then you can make your choice yeah but yeah look through his shit there's like a bunch of like

yeah like there's you i don't remember exactly how to do it but like look it up to find through someone else's app on their like their through someone else's like settings on their phone you can like figure out the locations they're at the most uber if you got if they have if they use google maps it automatically records everything yeah but i think the first step is hearing this girl out yeah and seeing that proof um but then also if the proof isn't so solid in your mind i wouldn't i don't know i would still i wouldn't just take one i wouldn't just take it and i'd be like oh it's not true i'm not gonna do like do your do some fucking cia due diligence background check work on all of this shit so i'm sorry yeah me too fucking sucks um well uh

let us know what happens give us a call back join our facebook group if you need help um internet stalking someone i'm really fucking good at it so uh but yeah so sorry boys can really fucking suck yeah okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back okay guys we're back and we're getting to the rest of the calls okay so i'm just gonna get right into it so um basically i've been with my boyfriend for like five months and he is uncircumcised and i'm totally fine with that doesn't really matter to me except he um sometimes i feel like doesn't clean it enough or something because it like smells bad or like tastes bad

when i'm going down on him and i just feel so bad because i love him i don't want to make him like feel bad about himself or uncomfortable but i like and it's not like so bad that we can't do anything or have sex I kind of just have been like powering through it but it is kind of a turnoff for me I don't want to hurt his feelings or anything I actually have like tried to bring it up like I one time when we were hanging out I played this other podcast where they were talking about like uncircumcised dicks and how it's like gross when they don't clean them sometimes and I was hoping he would like get the memo and he didn't because that was such a like passive aggressive way to do it um and i just don't know when to bring it up because i don't want to bring

it up anytime near sex because obviously that's awkward but like if it's not like right before after sex it's just kind of random to bring it up and i don't know what to say or how to say it um so any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you so much um you don't want to make him feel uncomfortable but you're uncomfortable yourself already by putting the dirty dick in your mouth here's what i'll say though a dirty dick is a dirty dick it's not about being circumcised or uncircumcised if you're not cleaning an uncircumcised penis well you'll get an infection you have to go to the doctor so it's not like oh i didn't wash my hair that well oops like there are real consequences and so i don't think it's a circumcision issue

i think it's just are you giving him a blowjob at the end of the day after he like has like been at school all day and like went to the gym like is it a sweaty nutsack smell is that like is it like because i don't i don't think it's not i mean i'm gonna yeah go on a limb and say i highly doubt it's a circumcised problem also also like it's uncircumcised and you know it's a no it's an it's not a yeah it's not like a circumcision sort of problem like any dick can be a dirty dirty dick yeah but it can be extra dirty if he's not pulling back and cleaning everything but he would get an infection how do we know he doesn't have one because he he would know he would know he would a hundred percent no and also if the if you're circum if you're

uncircumcised you've had to learn how to clean your penis so much more thoroughly and carefully than people who are like yeah people with penises who are circumcised and if you don't regardless of your age you can get a really terrible impact it's like you know if you have a fucking yeast infection or not and so that's the whole thing i just think that like he's clueless though well i think you i think you regardless anything regardless of any of this she just has to tell him though she shouldn't be like giving him a blow job being uncomfortable putting his dick in his mouth in her mouth and it stinks where like you just have to tell him you can't be like playing a podcast and thinking he'll catch on you have to tell him so i but here's what i would say

i think like if you guys are like getting frisky just say hey i really want to freshen up i feel gross let's take a shower okay but that's still not i don't think that's if if this is going to be a long-term thing that's not that's only going to fix it in the short term because he's all that means that every time they have sex she's got to be the one that's like let's go freshen up and take a shower well she's got to tell what if you say let's freshen up and like go take a shower um and through and just didn't say it like i just and you can even like turn it back on yourself too it's like oh i just feel like i've been sitting all day i've been wearing leggings all day like i don't feel my freshest and like and i love you so much but like giving you a blowjob at

the end of the day like i prefer a clean dick and you can make a comment about it but include yourself i would include yourself in it if you're afraid of hurting his feeling which i think i think it's valid but i think you guys are also that five months they've been dating like that's not that long it's not that long but if they're having sex all the time she can't just be like every time they have a no i think you should i think you should suggest the shower include yourself in the narrative and throw in there in like a you know i'd prefer like it's yeah and if he like presses and just be like here's the thing like think of how your arm had spell at the end of the day like your penis is not immune to that yeah i i i think like at least from how

you're talking about it and like trying to go about it in like a subtle way and not wanting hurt his feelings i think that's i know i think the way that you're most i don't know for me if i'm trying the best to like soften the blow i usually include myself in a part of it you know and like i've done it with like boyfriends before circumcised or not where it's like let's like let's freshen up this is not you you smell like um macaroni and cheese powder and i'm i'm not super into that yeah but i think then i just don't yeah i i get what you're saying but i think she just has to like not even just like including herself in it you're like hey like your dick smells yeah no i think you're being nicer than i am this is so rare i know

no and i i i agree with you and that's something that i like i would have no issue telling moths at all but i don't know if i would tell a guy that i was dating five months in i don't understand like why you feel like you're down there you smell and you're like i'm still gonna put this in my mouth you know that's like i wouldn't do that you've got to take some initiative on your own like if you're down there it smells you if you still just want him inside of you then you know bang it out you don't have to smell it if it's down there yeah but like you shouldn't be putting a dirty dick in that's what i'm getting like yeah no you shouldn't just feel like you have to put a dirty dick in your mouth i 100 agree i 100 agree and i think i i wouldn't i would

like and if i was like hey let's take a shower blah blah and even if i didn't suggest that and he's like no no i'm good i would be like here's the thing like i wouldn't put a dirty dick in my mouth either but i think that there's if you're trying to find a way if you feel uncomfortable telling him straight up because i mean she tried to play a podcast i don't know if we're gonna go from playing a podcast where they actually then but because also i think i i don't and don't make it a circumcision thing because i don't think it it i don't think it is at all i think it's just a dirty dick like like end of and like you mean like think about like your own vagina after you've been on an airplane and leggings you know what i don't want anyone going to i'm like i'm no i feel

but also women are so much or no i don't say women people with vaginas vaginas are so much more temperamental and something that it's literally and it affects our health inside of us so much more like uh stds and all it's it's much more apparent whereas penises are outside of your body it's a little bit more it smells more like yeah but but like as i i don't think in general i think in general vaginas people with vaginas are more used to the upkeep and like the feelings and sensations and all of that sort of stuff you think of like the nerve endings and like the amount of nerve endings in a clit are the same as the whole penis so if there's something up we're gonna feel it first versus a dude it's not it's just flopping around in his pants

but when he goes to pee and he hoes his dick and he doesn't smell it on his hand i i like really disagree with this no and i i don't i i i very much agree with you i just think i don't know i i think the whole thing i'm sure i don't think it's not like our actual like vagina doesn't smell that self cleans it's the outside that smells it's the sweat on the outside so like we're it's the outside that smells so like if i pull my pants down and i've been sweating i'm gonna smell that so if he can't smell that that's an issue maybe he has a sinus issue too maybe yeah i mean i think i would don't put a dirty dick in your mouth i think is what we're both agreeing on and i think if you're feeling bold and straight to the point

just straight up tell him and it doesn't have to be mean and again i wouldn't bring up circumcised i'd be like it's because you're uncircumcised i would just say hey i love hooking up with you i think you're so sexy i like if you like giving head i really enjoy giving head um but i will say that you know from like at the end of the day i feel like sometimes it can feel like you know a little sweaty it's like not my like i don't find it's like the most it's tangy truly it's what it is yeah and just say that and be like and i like if we can just i'm down like if you want to hook up in the morning or if it's just like a shower to freshen up like i don't this isn't me saying i don't enjoy it i just this is i'm not putting that dick in my mouth until it's clean yeah so

i've been married to my husband for four years we've been together for five there was this girl that he was involved with three months before we got together five years ago. There was no mention of her for the first little while until her name came up, and I just casually asked, which I shouldn't have done, because you always say if you ask, you're going to find something out that you don't want to know, that I found out that they had some history. And then I kind of found out that he was being a little suspicious about their history, and I thought, that's weird.

It's part of your past. I don't really care. well just this last year like i don't know four years later um a lot more came out about the relationship that it was actually very long it was very toxic this girl is so wild she carved her name into my in-laws futon she reappears at the weirdest time she was just like if you've ever seen you on netflix she's kind of like resembling the guy from you and his friends warned me about her for so fucking long i don't know if i'm allowed to swear as a caller but they warned me for so long about this girl and she came back today she messaged my husband my husband saw

nothing wrong with it and was like hey this girl messaged me i wanted to let you know so it didn't seem suspicious you can read all the messages i told her all about us and the problem is this girl is freaking crazy. And now she knows my list. She knows my pet's name. He updated her on our entire life together. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. I am just like so hurt and frustrated that I did not get to consent about information about my life being released to this crazy girl. And I'm also just hurt that somebody from his past came up and he thought it was okay to message her. I messaged her a not nice thing that said, stay away from me and my wife and I guess I don't really know what to do from here I am like just so distrusting of my

husband now I mean I have been since like it came out a year ago it actually happened this is she's always been a sensitive topic for us but now it's like extra sensitive and yeah this is all fresh from today I'm sorry if this isn't making sense I'm trying to get this out before he gets home hopefully he'll get back to me soon because I'm just so mad at him and her and I swear she just stay away from me and she like walks me in the basement i will i'm mad that she's back in her lives okay bye what's a roller coaster yeah to say the least i'm confused i am too like okay so this girl's crazy five years ago yeah but he sees nothing wrong with it now do you know mean yeah maybe he feels like he's keeping her like because he's being honest with the girl

that it would like keep her away maybe he's a little like i don't know here's the thing i don't um maybe maybe you don't know a ton of the stuff that happened and this is giving her wow look at me giving your husband so much benefit of the doubt this never fucking happens this is a record for us guys maybe he their relationship was super toxic and all of that stuff i don't know how old they were you sound pretty young so i'm gonna assume if this was five years ago they were really young she's in her early 20s teens maybe she went through something mentally i mean that is the age where a lot of stuff appears maybe through their whole relationship i've had i've had uh guys that i've dated who have dated girls who were uh manic bipolar and were figuring it

out through the course of their relationship and that could be the case here it could be that she would ended up being like manic bipolar or something like that got the health that she needed they had broke the and they had since broken up and all that stuff but they're a huge part of their relationship and all the toxicity around revolved potentially around like a mental health diagnosis or something that isn't his to share with you that really doesn't relate to your relationship and you guys and it could also be the reason why he is being like polite and nice to her is that courtesy of you they had gone through a huge thing together or like he was there while she was going through that or anything like that and just yeah how he knows how to kind

of treat her differently um that's giving like a huge benefit of the doubt uh because i think it would also it is not it's not his responsibility to talk about his exes and like the toxic relationship with you unless it's coming into your own relationship like if that's something that like didn't really affect him and didn't like seep into your own relationship it's not i don't think it's something that he has to share so i don't think it's like wow i can't believe he didn't share any of this before like that's so like why is he hiding it it's if it didn't affect him he doesn't feel like he needs to share no and also if it did really affect him but he it doesn't affect your relationship and it's just like a traumatic thing that's not positive or

helpful for him to like discuss with you if he's already processed it like yeah like you're saying so i don't think that's awful um i think you're jumping to a lot of conclusions um yeah and assumptions about what happened and you just need to take a step back because you're already thinking that you're going to be in end up in a basement and that hasn't happened to anyone else like no and these stories of these like crazy exes or whatever they it becomes a game of telephone like she carved her name into the food all of this stuff like oh and like the friends and this is all the part i understand the friends of your his friends have always warned you about her but you never really thought about her but then she's always been a point of contention in your

relationship a lot of things that you were saying were contradicting each other yeah so i'm confused about that and then i'd also say like you wanted him to ask you beforehand if he could respond which i don't i don't know i don't think that that's necessary i think especially when like the things that you were saying most except for the part about like where you guys live but most of the stuff that you were saying was just like you know their pets names yeah yeah i don't think that's and did he give her like your exact address or just like we live in this area yeah yeah and i i think like him saying hey this happened and i here's all the messages you can see whatever you want and i think that's really forthcoming and honest but i don't think

he needs your approval to like message her and then it sounded like you then messaged from his phone don't talk to me or my wife again because you said you confronted her but i think you said me or my wife which makes me think that you did it from his or maybe you said don't talk to me my husband ever again and i just don't know why you're so mad at him right because if you said something like that then that's poking the bear if there is a bear to poke yeah but here's the thing though if this is your if you're so angry which you are and all this reaction then what are you is there something else there like is there something else or is it not just like oh she's so crazy or whatever like do you do you feel like he's been backburning her like

like backburnering her like do you feel like he has been unfaithful like what is it that is so like is the fact that he like was quote-unquote like hiding her whatever not really diving deep into it is that because like there's an inkling you that you feel that it's not just that like she's like crazy quote-unquote or toxic is that they their relationship there maybe there's more to it and like more to it like at the current time um you sound like you were going off of a lot of emotions and not taking the time to take a step back and look at the situation like it just happened and you're calling us before like he went out to get milk and you're calling us before he comes back home like take a deep breath yeah process things and then go off on your whatever

tangent you want to go on and figure out what you're upset about and like is it is it is your ink i don't like your feelings whatever your feelings are they're totally valid and totally warranted but like self-filter and process and figure out what it is that you feel and why you feel that way because i think like you're saying it's jumping to a lot of conclusions so maybe there's some other shit that's happening that's fueling this because this this to me is a prime example of if it's hysterical it's historical sort of thing like you just dropped like 12 flights like you just like elevator dropped sunk that sort of thing and so how did how did you already start that like how did you already begin to make that process of getting to this level

because it does seem like a massive massive jump and i don't know i've had toxic relationships i've again like been with people who've had toxic relationships and all that and it's something that like it's not uh from my experience there's no anger that i have to my partner my partner has to me in regards to the relationship and i mean there's like a guy that i used to like hook up with like will still occasionally text me and i'll respond and like i'll give like matzah heads up but like hey and it's like okay cool whatever and like this he'd do the same thing but it's not i don't know i think you're just you need to figure out why you're so pissed because i don't know like is someone hiding something there's a whole

and yeah rich coming from me but there's a whole lot of reasons why people don't disclose something but that doesn't always mean that it's hiding right and like if you've always he's already processed it and he's over it and yeah and you like why are you so suspicious of what what's going on my honestly my 100 gut instinct goes to it was like a she was in her like his ex-girlfriend was in her early late teens early 20s and i it just to me it sounds a very familiar story of friends that i have who've gone through like manic bipolar stuff or i mean that's that's what i'm claiming from like my own experience with my friends but that's that's what that sounds like to me and it would also make so much sense to me if that's why you're not hearing a bunch about it

because that's not his story to tell and he just happened to be in a relationship with her when she was going through all of this stuff and it seeped into their relationship and it would also make sense why out of that relationship it doesn't affect him because it's not it's been five years you've been with him for four yeah what are you it's like you're looking for something like yeah and that's what i and i don't want to say that it's like oh you're just like looking for drama i would like look within your own life to see what else are you not addressing or not realizing is actually fueling these feelings well on to the update oh my gosh time for an update fuck yeah what's this one from so this is from uh episode with leo and the girl she was dating a guy and

everything was moving too quickly until she's a whiff and poof or what was the other one a whippersnapper hi megan um i'm calling with an update i was featured on the episode with leo and i'm a girl who is dating a guy and it was moving a little bit too quickly he invited me with to his family vacation to hawaii um after like knowing each other for a month and then the other thing was um the sex wasn't really very good for me and he wasn't really going down on me very well um and basically the first issue kind of resolved itself um after he invited me um a few days later he kind of told me that he thought about it and he realized that it was a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship and you know while the invitation still stood he understood if

you know it was just it was just a little bit too much for me I said yeah it's it's kind of a lot of pressure um especially for only knowing each other for like a month um so yeah that is totally resolved he went on the vacation and came back and everything is fine um and then with the sex it's actually like really great now um basically what I did is I I just talked to him and I didn't really like hide how I was feeling um but I did I wasn't trying to like be mean or anything I just told him like it felt like he wasn't prioritizing me and it made me feel like he didn't really care about me which based on a relationship like outside of sex I knew that wasn't true but that's just how it made me feel and so I told him that and he took me really

seriously and made a lot more effort from that point on and then the other thing that I did was I also just Googled like tips for eating pussy and things like that and read a few articles and sent him ones that I thought gave good advice like for me, like what I enjoyed. So, yeah, now I'm getting off, which is really exciting. I've actually never orgasmed with a partner before. I have by myself. um that's probably something i should have included in my original question just because maybe i wasn't giving the best instructions but yeah it's all really great now um thank you for your advice

bye wow wow you've had quite a journey this has been a quite the turnaround yeah you like simmered down and how much he was rushing now he's eating your vagina correctly you sent him articles which i fucking love i do too you took the initiative yeah i think that's great yeah i think it's really great this is one of the ones where they took all the advice in their life is like completely changed yeah look at you fucking bitches who don't take the advice look what can you have me do you could be getting off um and a great relationship yeah i did we remember how old she was i don't remember there's been this new theme

can find it there's a new theme and i've seen it like on the facebook group a huge amount of guys who come on really strong and i just don't fucking get it like i really truly don't get it and this i mean it sounds like you're really happy and it won't apply in the situation to you but here's i would really urge anyone who feels like a guy is coming on too strong i'm a serial ghoster but someone who's coming on like too strong for you if you have to if you have to ask people like hey does this seem like follow your gut instincts and how you feel because here's the thing everyone and this is and i literally went off on a fucking facebook uh uh like one of our facebook message like posts about this um where everyone's gonna give you the advice like

you're the exception to the rule and in our podcast we're gonna i'm gonna treat you like you're the rule and any woman who's like or any yeah i mean i'll be yeah i'm gonna gender it because this is from like our facebook group and that experience everyone was like well my boyfriend came on too strong and it was like actually like it was like it totally lasted it wasn't bad i was like yeah it's because you liked it it's because like those people who come on really strong are meant for other people who are also want to rush into things and stuff like that so i just think that like this is this probably this call sounds like an exception to the rule but just as like a psa if someone's coming on too strong or too fast or kind of rushing into a

relationship you follow your gut instincts and your feelings and everyone being like well give them more chances tell them to change i don't bad advice for me or whatever i don't think you should i think like if they're coming on way too strong way too soon and you feel exceptionally uncomfortable and you don't like it and you don't like it and you have to then talk to your friends to be like is this like ah is this okay that i don't like it no just be done be done and the people who again have dated or been with someone who like came on really strong either they also come on strong or they like it and that's who that person should be with and i just think that like it's just i don't want to call it a red flag i think a huge amount of times it can be a red flag but i

think it's just an indicator that this person is probably not super compatible with you yep and i just don't think yeah i just yeah like in her instance she did talk to him about it and he backed up off like he well and he backed up before she even talked about it and i think that's something like he did a great job post that self-filtering and that's like something that i think will be i think the whole thing with coming on too strong or moving really fast i think that's issue of self-filtering and that's for me the bait like isn't it encompasses every trait that i will not like if you can't do that and i think for him being like okay i read the situation saw her response thought about it a little bit more it's still within my character and i still want to show

her that i really like her but i'm going to be like hey you know what i realized that i i checked myself and it wasn't i didn't necessarily do it himself exactly he didn't necessarily do it in the moment but he thought about it and did it later and i think that shows true initiative of being like okay here i'm gonna come and you should always be yourself in a relationship but there's like a level of like okay i'm gonna be myself and then i'm also gonna recognize if this makes you feel uncomfortable and then i'm gonna pull back i'm not gonna not not be myself but i'm going to be myself in a way that's considerate to how you're receiving that and i think that's like a really important thing so this is like i would say as an exception to the rule sort of thing

but also you didn't have to tell him i think he was able to recognize that in you it was probably like you just invited some girl you don't know they're like what yeah what do you mean but no i think that's like a smart i don't know from him i think that's like an emotionally evolved thing and i think people who just kind of go guns blazing and like i don't know people aren't really good at showing that like you you've you kind of showed on your like you know if someone's a little uncomfortable or kind of like feeling off and if you're still gonna go forward with that that for me i'm like oh you don't you're not really about my feelings yeah and like you're just going forth with yours regardless and we all if you really like someone like there's definitely

an urge to kind of jump in yeah first but you gotta protect yourself that's the other part that i think is a little odd when people don't i'm like are you not you don't know that i'm not just gonna like totally wreck you i probably will but yeah i think that's just this is this is an exception to the rule sort of thing but i think it was great i'm very happy for you and guys look what happens if you take her advice i'll have to tell leo you get to have orgasms you get to have a good relationship she had the option to go to hawaii if she wanted to but you know take it take it if you would like to have a more evolved life i'm just saying just fucking saying that we have add that to our uh cult uh word repertoire yeah evolved life that's in our selling point of our

call welcome to our community where you can lead an evolved life listen to us holy shit we're scary this is amazing i feel like her name's sophie she sounds like a sophie yeah i looked it up she didn't give her um age in the first one either but yeah i'm gonna assume i'm gonna i'm gonna go 24 yeah i could see that i could go 22 to 23 i don't see but she took the advice that's why i'm not gonna go 22 or 23 oh you're 100 and she was like sent him the articles about i don't think 22 year olds are articles no i think i was i was sending buzzfeed quizzes that's like yeah what pastry are you i love the buzzfeed i love when like your nerdiness comes out there's a new movie called a horse girl that's coming out and i feel like i need to see it

because here's the thing i hate horses no i didn't have talents and brie was off for only first i was i saw the title i was like bitch what why did i but i am the epitome of a horse girl but i just hate horses okay guys um well that's it for our episode that's it for it i'm sorry i'm sorry one more time did you have a stroke my tongue just i don't know it just had a mind of its own it was like i don't know that's it for that's it for our oh my god would you like that's it for our episode you're also not really closing your mouth between words our episode yeah that's it for our episode that's it for our episode

that's it for our episode I hope you guys enjoyed again please pre-order my book you're not special anywhere that books are sold bookstores the online bookstores amazon.com

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therapy finding a therapist but also um i just feel like this has to be said all the time please do not dm asking questions yeah that's not gonna happen yeah you're just not gonna get like you're better off joining our facebook group and sourcing there but we're not gonna answer especially if it's like five paragraphs long no i don't have i don't have the attention span for the scrolling and then sometimes they send out of order and i no offense i don't care how shy you are no one knows your voice sounds like nope and there's also voice changer apps we've had people who've done that so and if you're afraid and we've said this before if you're afraid if you have an accent and you're afraid that we're not going to understand you send a transcription of everything

that you write write down your question or you write down what you're going to say on the call and then send us an audio message of you reading that and then also send us what you wrote down just then we're able to follow along so they have no excuses okay no excuses a a a um well we'll see you guys next time goodbye bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso your summer travels deserve an upgrade with select chevrolet buick gmc and cadillac vehicles connected by onstar you can stream game and more on the go whether you're headed to a music festival

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