Don't Blame Me! - S5E16: Guest: Meghan Tonjes - Got an Anonymous Email About my Fiancé

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Meghan Tonjes is here once more to share advice! This week we're answer your questions on:   Boyfriend doing a favor for his ex Boyfriend liking bikini pictures of other girls How to improve your sex drive Having trouble masturbating   And in Don't Blame Them a listener shares experience about hooking up with a step-sibling.   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @meghantonjes https://www.instagram.com/meghantonjes/ @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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like about how you've been one of the greatest guests ever oh my god we when we were we need to have her back it's Megan Tonjes you like that was first of all you're a Scorpio I am And you were the first Scorpio that I was like, wow, I, I like her. I don't hate her. And I hate almost all Scorpios. And you opened my eyes because now there's a couple, there's a couple that I like, you know, there's more. I don't, but there's a couple I like. To be fair, you'll never see more than one Scorpio in a group of friends. It's like, we can't, we can't trust each other. I'm not friends with any Leos. Okay. Fair. Yeah. I'm like, Oh no, you're too much. It's a lot. It's a lot. But, uh, you mean I'm a triple water too.

i got a pisces moon i got a cancer rising it's all tears baby oh my gosh wow all feelings so so many feelings my aquarius rising is afraid of that oh my god and i love an aquarius so oh thank you listen i've tried to love many an aquarii aquarii and uh they're fascinating little little uh little mysteries to themselves too so that's fun you are a mystery you are a mystery That's how I like it. That's true. It's a good time. Well, if you guys are new here, this is an advice podcast.

If you want to call in for an upcoming episode, you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976. And if you're an international listener, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com. Oh my God, so professional. Hey, Megan, Melissa, and potential guests. So I've had a day full of fun and anxiety, so I thought that I would reach out. Um, my friends aren't giving the best advice and by friends, I mean, I only reached out to one friend, but if you're my second, holla.

Um, so I've been seeing this guy for about a year and, um, things are going great. He's a great guy. Um, we have so much fun together. He's a Sag. um so today he hit me with the news during a lunch date that um he's like my ex reached out to me i'm like okay where is this going um and i guess she's in like dental school and she's uh in need of some people coming in for like uh cleaning so she can you know she needs so many cleans before she can pass whatever the heck she needs to pass or whatever and um he asked me if i

was okay with that if he went in there like his like girlfriend cleaning his teeth now they were together throughout high school maybe a year or two after some on and off and you know every time we talk about her like he never has the best things to say about her so i just find it funny that he wants to do this favor for her and of course he backs it up by saying you know I was really close with his family and like I'm sure you know her mom you know had her reach out because I guess long story short her mom helped him get into like the career field that he's in now which is really great and all but I just don't feel like he needs to be doing these favors for her so I he asked I asked him like if it was the other way around if he'd be fine and he said yeah

And then he also brought up the fact that, like, when we began dating, I would see my ex-boyfriend, like, once or twice for a coffee date, and we got out of a four-year relationship. So he had brought that up, like, kind of like, he's, I don't know, it just, it seems weird, and he already has a lot of, like, girl friends anyway, and I'm just trying to be understanding, so I'm not, like, this psycho bitch. but I just feel like I have the right to be upset and I just don't want him to go. But I also, I don't know. So I don't know what you think. I just feel like I've been very patient throughout this whole relationship. And I mean, he's really patient understanding too, but it's like, where do we draw the line? And why do we feel like we need to help our exes out when, you know,

they're not there to help us. They don't benefit us. Like him going to this doesn't benefit him. So why do we still need to do favors for exes? So just curious what your thoughts were, because now I'm getting ready to pop off. But thank you so much. Love the podcast. You're amazing. Well, you know, it's like he said, I'm going to go get a free cleaning. And she heard you're going to fuck your ex. That's exactly what came to mind. Oh, God. I mean, you've been you've been with someone for a year.

Yeah. Right. And so everything that I'm hearing, I'm just listening to like how you're saying what you're saying. all I'm hearing, I'm hearing the anxiety. I'm hearing like insecurity about what's going to happen. Why would he need to talk to someone from his past unless there's specifically something in it for him? And what is it that's in it for him? And I think that you're going to suffer so much in life if you let your anxiety and your, not even just anxiety, your insecurity kind of run the show. This is someone who's given you no reason not to trust him. This is someone that you love, that you're with for a reason. And I just kind of feel like he's communicating. He came to you. He could have just gone and got a free cleaning and not said anything to you. And it wouldn't

have been cheating, you know? So I think the fact that he came to you to ask how you feel about it is a good sign and you are allowed to feel the way you feel, but instead of stopping there and just saying, well, I feel uncomfortable. And so this shouldn't happen. I think it would be better for you to examine where that's coming from, what happened in past relationships, what you're afraid is going to happen in this one and realize that you can't you can't bring all of that baggage and expect someone to just deal with it this is a new relationship and just because someone doesn't have great things to say or is staying friends friendly super friendly with an ex doesn't mean that there's not still a connection of knowing they're like their families were close they knew each

other as teenagers I don't I don't wouldn't give it all this energy of okay well this is yeah you know he obviously he wants to he's just doing something that's wrong it's not worth being i think there's something else that you're upset about and this is just you know there's no reason not to trust him yeah i would say i think i doubt he really wants to do this i think he probably feels awkward and obligated i think he probably talked to his mom about it she's like you gotta do it he's like i don't want to also if he doesn't have great things to say about her you know what you don't want to do with your ex hang out do you really don't want to do have them like this close their hands in your mouth like that is so uncomfortable and not fun for him like maybe

he wanted to like not even open the message and accidentally did it was like fuck i have to say yes like i don't think that is necessarily like and then what i'll say is i think because what you say i think you're totally spot on and then i would bring into this the fact that you asked first of all you can never ask someone like well how would you feel if this happened because they're always if they're not if they're not seeing why you're upset they're gonna be like oh i'd be fine and i've done that before and i'm like oh well i don't like that yeah don't ask a question if you don't want the answer exactly and then here's the other part that you like threw in very casually that he brought up that it was pretty similar to the fact also i would dare

dare i say not even really that similar and i would say yours is definitely more intense that you went on multiple coffee dates with your ex and then you were like but we were together for four years i'm sorry you had said that he had been with his girlfriend all through high school a couple years after and then like pittered out so that's at least six years yeah and so that like i don't know why you're treating it differently and so i don't want to be a total i don't want to be an ass but kind of like what you're saying it's like why are you treat like why are you what are you bringing in from the past was when you were meeting with your ex was it not that innocent were you trying to figure out if you still had feelings it sounds yeah it sounds like

there wasn't closure in your relationship and so you had to extend the conversations beyond it and so you're nervous that there wasn't closure in this relationship and so that's going to extend it and possibly open up this old love. But I think, listen, you can't control anyone. If someone meets up with an ex and all of a sudden they feel things and they break up with you, that's how it's going to play out. But you can't hold onto someone so tight that they can't even interact with people that were in their life before for a significant portion of it. So for you to go on a coffee date, listen, there's an intimacy to having someone's hands in your mouth to do a cleaning, but there's a word date and coffee date, but there's a word there's a date and coffee date. And I just feel

like, ideally you would be able to be on good terms with an ex. And if, and if it's possible for people to be friends with their ex and not want to leave the relationship and not be lying to you. Yeah. So I just, I don't, you know, listen, you're going to do what you're going to do. But I think if you come into this, how you come into this and how you deal with it is how you're, it's the foundation for the rest of this relationship and how you're going to deal with anyone coming from the past. And if you're not secure in what you have, then you might want to look further into that. Yeah. Because I think that, I think you need to evaluate, like you said, I think it probably was something about closure with you and who you were meeting up with,

because you're not seeing this as being the same. And I think that you are reading into this in a very different way. And like you said, like he can't, if he's going to, if he's going to leave and he's going to fall back in love with this girl, it's, it's nothing you do or say can change any of that. No, no, no, no. And you're not going to do yourself any service by trying to keep someone in a box so that they can't interact with anyone that they may or may not feel things for yeah and then also not have that apply to you like that's like then it feels like well why am I in a relationship if you get to go do all that stuff but I'm not allowed to yeah and you asked and this person asked one friend and said okay well now I gotta ask a podcast and it makes perfect

sense to me why wherever you live this girl might not have more than a few friends and needs to get these credits to continue their program so obviously you're gonna reach out listen I'm a musician when i play a show you think i'm inviting people that i i'm all into no i need people to buy tickets okay do you like facebook invites i get from people i went to camp with to come to a comedy show i'm like i haven't seen you since we were 12 yeah everyone thinks they're a best friend that was invited to the show okay there are men that i've slept with that i made show up night of and pay for a ticket okay so i'm not playing i love that but yeah i just think that this is about something bigger and this isn't you're building this up in your head to mean more than

it does and your partner is saying to you this is what it is you're not believing them and that is indicative of a huge problem and something that you're going to suffer through if you don't start dealing with your own self now all you can do is control yourself yeah that's it i also doubt this ex even really do you mean like like you said i think it's probably slim pickens i'm sure he was the last on the list she's like i shit i need one more and he's the only other person i know i don't want it like both that'd be like oh yeah no one wants to ask an ex to do this like i don't think either you're i think you're kind of like romantic like you're romanticizing the idea that like oh it's lustful it's going to be sexy maybe you watch the episode of friends when rachel and barry

fucked in the dentist chair yeah but like wow bringing it bring it back there i'm really mourning the fact that it's no longer on netflix but uh i'm okay with it let your boyfriend go get a free teeth cleaning yeah in trump's america okay wherever we can get free cleaning medical care anything we go for it regardless watch it like a month from now your ex is like hey um i work at sephora do you want some or i work at fenty beauty do you want some highlighter and you're like um if this what are they getting out of it if this girl needs other people to sign up for her college course why don't you offer yourself to go in and you can have the appointment right after him that's true like did you use someone else i can come too yeah don't bite her

i'm down to get free dental care me too i don't have dental insurance anymore yeah if anything if you called in hoping for advice and really you just helped her find more people for her degree yeah if you're local we'll come because i really could use a teeth cleaning i'm really good let us know uh well best of luck uh give us an update let us know what happens and i would love to know what your astrological sign is yes please yeah because that would be more helpful than knowing he's a sedentary yeah you sound like a water sign a cancer maybe maybe i could see a pisces i could see a pisces pisces this is an astrology podcast now it's been yeah and then we get like every few comments it's like someone from like the midwest being this is so la and i'm like this is

not la at all we talk about never leaving our house not going to clubs the only thing we talk about is astrology listen crystals and listen when i was in the midwest i grew up with astrology books in my house and my mom was catholic so this is also a midwest thing so no longer can say anything delete your comments if you ever commented block yourself so i don't have to do it oh good good good one should we go on to the next yes hi Megan and Melissa um I'm 24 I've been in my relationship now for about a year a little bit over a year um and lately I've just been feeling a lot of insecurity um and I mean I've been feeling this way for a while now on and off and like I've been really open with him about where I've been at and he's been very like here

he's been hearing me really well and like trying to make me more comfortable um over the past summer we have been together and a few things popped up that really sparked some trust issues I dated three people before him pretty seriously and all of them ended with something to do with cheating or like emotional cheating even and just like a lot of it was comparing myself to other women and so I feel like that's something I'm still working on getting over and in this relationship he has always been very um understanding of that and very um like loving but I guess one thing that's been bothering me lately and I don't know if this is like a big problem that I need to figure out on my own or if it's something that I need to talk to him about um just because I feel like the

more I talk about it the more of a problem he becomes and I also don't want to be controlling in any way like I want it to be a happy healthy relationship where I'm not like totally swarming him with his emotions but he's been liking girl selfies and like bikini pics on Instagram more and like before we dated he would like gasp him up being like oh you look so good yada yada and now he doesn't but he still like likes these like hot girls bikini pictures and maybe that's just me being insecure but part of me is like why isn't he you know promoting me he doesn't like post pictures of us on social media I mean he doesn't post much but like I guess I just want to feel like he wants to show me off and instead of doing that he likes other girls

bikini pics sometimes and like I just feel like that's kind of disrespectful um but again that might just be be me projecting and he might be fine and I guess I'm just curious about your thoughts on that like everybody has different dynamics in their relationship but like what's crossing a line and like is that a boundary i should set or is that something i just need to get over on my own terms oh hey oi oi it's so hard to like drag them when they tell you how much they love you no i know i'm not gonna that means not that hard no i'm not gonna no it's really not that hard for me at fucking all um one person told me that like it's okay feel free to roast me and i'm like so everyone has said that i just like they cut it out just want you to know

yeah i like i'm not even gonna drag you i think um i think that the really important thing that i would like to know uh it is and i think it's a really important distinction are does he know these people like are these his like high school friends or his home friends or like your group of friends or just random people is it random people because i think like i i mean it was a very early conversation i had with my boyfriend that i like laid it out there to begin with i was like hi i'm highly insecure person and i personally like i don't it doesn't make me feel good i'm also like i'm also not attracted like any guy that i like was ever even into if i saw that they were liking a bunch of like hot girl pictures on instagram i was like it's only i was just like like that

was just it wouldn't make me super attracted to that and that's just like and i have no i have no issue with it i'm all for gassing like women up i'm all for that i follow lots of hot girl bikini stuff but i can know my own feelings of being like this makes me feel inadequate and there are some people that i also don't follow or i mute and even if people i know in real life who make me feel bad about myself and so if there's someone out there whether it's a person that i know or if it's someone i don't know who i look at their stuff and it makes me feel bad it would make me feel bad what seeing my partner like that because i'm comparing myself to that person but that's not on that person and that's like a here's a thing that i have and i'm just

gonna let you know ahead of time with all of that but the difference would be if he knows them because that's what i'd say like i my like best guy friends and i like i it's like they if one of my best guy friends will pose to thirst trap i'm like my god you look so fucking hot get it or like and like if i'm in a bikini pic like my straight and gay friends like would literally be like damn girl that like one of my best guy friends is straight and literally every time i see him he's like we're doing squats nice tighter like and it's not sexual dude it's not like it's gassing up in the same way that like girlfriends gas each other up and are like oh my god like get it like you look bomb and i think there's a distinction there like if it is one of his good friends

but i do think uh if it's just like a a like every once in a while yeah i mean look the first question is why are you sitting there scrolling through his social media to see what he's doing on your feed. I think that's a kind of, that's a waste of your time and your energy. And you already know that you're, it's going to make you feel a certain way, but I don't think it's something, it's something that you have to deal with on your own because it's about you and your relation to what's happening. But it also can, when you've started to, obviously you're opening this up and figuring it out. It can be the beginning of a conversation with him to let him know, Hey, this is on me and this is my issue, but I just want to talk to you as my partner,

as someone that is my support system, I'm feeling this way. And again, you never know what he's going to say. He, maybe he's not aware of it. Maybe he's, you know, or, um, maybe he's not aware of it. Maybe he he'll be more mindful of it now that he knows it's kind of a hard area because, you know, with digital media, it's like a whole new landscape of things that people can get insecure about or upset about, or can trigger certain things in your relationship in a way that like our parents didn't have to deal with. Like this is just a whole new world. And so I think there has, there has to be more discussions about, you know, what is kind of non-negotiables for you? What is, what are things that you're just not comfortable with happening,

but also where obviously we can see from, you've had three serious relationships where everyone's cheated. Yeah, this is true. I'm sure this is just triggering. You're trying to step ahead of something that you think is going to be painful by catching it early. And I think that that is so hard to do. And my question also is if this is the only thing that's happening, that's kind of indicating that maybe something's going on. It's not like you're finding DMs or texts or he's disappearing and coming back, you know, very stereotypically like lipstick on his collar. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think that it's, it's worth not bringing all that baggage from old relationships into this one. Those can definitely kind of, you know, give you insight into how

things happen. But I also would start looking at like the partners that you're choosing too. And maybe is there a common thread that you're seeing with him beyond just photos that he's liking? And instead of focusing on that, you're kind of like, well, let me, let me deal with this symptom right here. Um, but ultimately, I mean, yeah, it's, I think in a relationship, you have to understand that every person is their own person and they are going to do things that have nothing to do with you that aren't personal attacks that really could. I mean, listen, for some people seeing people in bikinis is the same as me seeing shih tzu puppies i like a lot of them it's all in my explore page it's all that shows up and i can't help it and i don't want to

and um you know that could be part of it too but the question is is he only liking girls in bikinis or is he liking a bunch of things and the only things you're seeing are the girls in bikinis because your mind is just focusing on it yeah and then i think there's also i i think you need to treat and i'm not i'm not saying you're doing it a certain way but if you've come in with all of this baggage i think there's such a negative connotation with baggage that there can be a fear well so much of it is like this fear like i have so much baggage i don't want to scare him off yeah i don't want to do any of that stuff i don't freak him out yeah and this is the thing like if you've been through all of this stuff and it's let's say it's pretty recent and who knows

maybe your picker's off maybe it's not but you've been through this kind of stuff you can't assume this is the thing with triggers are you can only deal with your triggers once they're not actively happening you can't be triggered and then prop and then be like oh no i'm gonna figure it out it's like i need to let everyone know my triggers and now i'm not being bombarded with them and like sending me back to this other place i can work on myself and i can make my own limits and i can start to test my triggers on my own accord but that's the thing it's like if he you need to give him like you're not damaged goods because you've been like you've been through all of this kind of stuff you need to like and it sucks because it has nothing to do with you you

have to be like really open up with him and not even like these like tiny little like crumbs it needs to be this conversation of these are the last three relationships that i had these are the things and also i'm figuring out my triggers and i think one of the triggers i figured out is when i see you like these pictures my and i always say this which my therapist says which if it's hysterical it's historical and so if he's liking these pictures even as you're saying it you're like and even as i say it's like not like it's not it's just liking pictures he's not like having sex with other people but when that emotion gets to a different place it's because it's been there before and you have to unpack that and be like so i'm now realizing when you like those pictures

i get so upset and i'm realizing i'm taking it back to my ex who i think like and that made me i felt so insecure and they cheated on me and that was how this happened and now i'm realizing that is giving me those same feelings and i know that's not what you're trying to do or you're consciously doing it all but it would be really beneficial for me if you could not do that because this is the other part of it like it's not it's not hard and this is like when i had the conversation with my boyfriend i was like here's the thing you can watch porn you can look at those girls that's totally fine i would just love if you didn't follow them and if you didn't like like them if you have a fin if you want to search them and see it like i'm fine with that it's just for me in the

sense that like it's like i know there are pictures and like people who are triggering out there for me but the harder it is for me to access it if it's not right at my fingertips then i have to go through my internal process of being like am i going to search this do i want to feel triggered right now as opposed to suddenly coming across it and not being prepared for it and i think that's the other part of it because it's if it is an insecurity thing of you don't want him because i also think like this is like a this is kind of the start of it but then you need to work on your insecurities and i'm always a big fan of i recommend therapies so so so much but you can't at a certain point as someone who's been in therapy for the last like two two years how

long have i been in therapy now i think a little bit longer than two oh my god it's amazing it's here tomorrow um but i learned that i was so stubborn about well this is me it's all about me i know me better than anyone else i can do this my therapist was like you have to break it too sweetie uh you've been living in this body for like at that point like 24 years if you could have done it you already would have done it yeah like you wouldn't feel super insecure if you could fix it like this is you're not choosing to feel this way you're not and with anything like anxiety depression it's like you're managing it yeah it's like in here and if there was a solution and it was inside of you it wouldn't take 22 years to get there like 24 you would have gotten there

already. You need some help. It's also, you should just really have a lot of compassion for yourself too, because you said you're 24, you've been in this relationship for a year and you've had three other serious relationships, which means you have been monogamous and dating people since you were a teenager. And you probably haven't even had the time to process any of the endings of those relationships because you've gone into the next thing and carried that over. And so I don't think the solution for everyone is like, oh, I haven't had time to process this. I need to break up and just be on my own. And the reality is that a lot of us are going to process things in relationships. And if we're lucky enough to have partners that are willing to kind of go on that journey with

us and grow in their own ways, that's really incredible. So I think that, you know, obviously it's not working for you to kind of keep it all to yourself and not say anything because you're writing into a podcast, hoping that like strangers will direct you and your partner is sitting right there, probably just going through scrolling and liking things and not even realizing how it's affecting you. So I think it definitely is a conversation, but it all comes in. It's all about the energy you bring into it. So if you come in and you're angry and you're upset, you're not going to get a great reaction. And someone's just going to say, well, that's your issue and whatever, depending on who they are or start a fake account and just

follow people, which maybe that is helpful for you that you don't see it. But I think once you start putting people in a corner in like dark corners where they have to do things to avoid upsetting you, someone's going to start feeling they're walking on eggshells, whereas there should just be a conversation and understanding and more intention behind how you are taking in the social media and how you're kind of looking at everything that he's doing and also intention on how he's going about his social media, understanding that you're you're attached to it. But it doesn't it's not it's not bad. I don't you know, I don't get any bad vibes from this question of like, oh, he's cheating on you. I just think that there's a lot of processing that has to happen on your own

and with him collectively. Yeah, no, I think that's it. I think it's, it's that if you're going to ask him to do something to help you not feel insecure, you also have to work on yourself to not, to feel more confident and feel more secure in yourself, which is hard. It's like definitely very hard. And it wasn't until I was in a serious relationship that I was able to see, I was like, Oh wow, it is really hard for a partner to date someone who's super insecure. I was like, this is really hard for you. And I was like, I hate that. Like, this is always like that. This was my shit. This was the stuff that I always dealt with. And now this is affecting you and it it's it sucks to see that because at a certain point no one else can figure that out

and know how to do that and if you also really care about him or if you care about any relationship that you're in and you're dealing with your own stuff it does affect your partner and at a certain point you should always like do something for yourself but even if like if you're so super depressed and it's like you're like i don't care about it for me like whatever it lost cause all of that stuff and you see it affects other people probably won't be the reason that you stay getting help, but it can be like the inspiration, like, you know what? I need to focus on this. I've dealt with this for so long and I've been fine with this, but it's not fine for the people I love. Like they hate to see me hurting like this. And I think it would be a good, a good chance for

you. Yeah. I just think there's a way to, to own how you're feeling in your, your own process, um, while also letting other people in, you know, I it's the thing that you learn as you get older too, is I don't have to, um, I don't have to be so connected to everything in a way that I can't separate myself. Like I can tell friends and people that I love what I'm going through and not expect them to save me from it and not expect them to change everything to accommodate me. It's just, I'm letting you into, I'm letting you into the process. I'm letting you know what's going on in my mind so that I can keep accountable to myself so that you're more aware of how I'm feeling. And this, this can bring us closer. It doesn't have to necessarily tear us apart.

Yeah. And, um, I would, again, for a lot of these questions, it's just kind of like trust the relationship you're in. And if you're not trusting relationship you're in, you need to start figuring out is it because you don't trust yourself because you don't trust other people or because that relationship itself has given you all their red flags and you're kind of ignoring that and focusing on the one that feels the most sensational kind of in this era yeah yeah very true very true uh well best of luck give us an update um and if you're in our facebook group and there's like other because you had mentioned that there were other like stuff that had happened and you want to get more yeah hit us up in facebook like our photos on instagram and leave

us please do inappropriate i know i'm always like should i start posting thotty bikini bags yes absolutely hashtag booty revolution let's do it okay so i started dating this guy like three-ish months ago it's uh we started dating mid-october uh so whatever we've been hooking up and like it's been fine it's been good in the beginning like i didn't and i really come and And then I kind of didn't say anything, and he didn't ask, and then I brought it up, and I was like, oh, no, I didn't come, and I know I didn't bring it up, but you also didn't ask, and I told him how I felt about that, and he was very much apologetic, and was like, no, I want to make sure you're having a good time, too, and whatever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's, like, been trying so hard. He's, like, been really, like, been putting in effort, like, taking feedback. Like, he's really been trying. And, like, I appreciate it. And, like, I, like, see his effort. And I'm, like, I really don't know what to do to make this better for me. because I did I came once but then other times it's like like I just like I just came back with this place and like I could not like get in the mood like no matter what like I just I couldn't get in the mood like and like I think that happens to me so often it's like not like a not attracted to him or he's not like doing the right things or anything because like I still enjoy my time with him and like we have fun and like he's still like is attractive to me it's just like i feel like my sex drive just fucking goes away sometimes but it like makes no sense like i've like after that i'm like horny the whole fucking week before i see him and then it's like

oh we're here like he's going down on me and i'm like fuck like i don't feel anything but like it's not bad but it's like i don't like i'm not there yeah i just like this is like super tmi but i just don't know i know i don't know what to do i don't know how to like fix this make myself more into it like don't make him feel like he's the whole problem because i don't think it's just him either well yeah i mean i guess the question is when you're if when if you're masturbating when you're masturbating are you getting off with yourself because then there's not anything functionally that's wrong with the system of it it's just there's something that's lost in the connection either with him or leading up to you know feeling the anxiety or you're unable to kind

of communicate what you do for yourself in a way that he can replicate yeah and so I think yeah I think first diving into the fact of do you really like this person and is there's definitely a difference between being attracted to someone and being willing to have sex with them and feeling like that deep connection and you might be someone that needs a deeper connection to get off. I have not had great experiences with coming during sex. Um, it's, yeah, it's not, we are the statistic majority. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, and I can get myself off, but I've, I've mostly had hookup experiences. And so that's not really great to foster that like communication or that constant, like, it sounds like this person you've been hooking up with for a while and he wants to

learn and he wants to figure out what pleases you. And so if you want to go down that road, I have suggestions for things you could do that might be pleasing to you. Whereas first of all, I would bring in sex toys. Um, I would maybe mutually masturbate with each other, um, or masturbate in front of him and show him what you're doing and then let him kind of do other things while you're doing that. Not everything is going to come down to, obviously penetration doesn't work for everyone. And sometimes someone going down on you doesn't feel like what you're used to. And so I think we have this very narrow version of like what we imagine sex and pleasure is going to be. And then we get confused because, you know, the goal isn't always an orgasm. We're

having fun. It feels good, but it's not quite what we envision. It's not quite what we want. And so we're kind of just accepting, well, this is good enough. And I think that this is a moment for you to explore. This isn't something to fix. This isn't a problem. This is an opportunity for you to learn how to communicate what you want and then also figure out how to involve another person if you want to involve another person at all and so you know again this is someone that you're hooking up with i i would say keep dating yeah like date other people and see if maybe you feel that constant connection throughout three months it's been three months which i was like that's so quick and then you're like and i haven't come and i was like that's so long

it changes immediately i was like my god it's been forever yeah and i mean i think you know listen have a night where you're like it's all about me tonight like i want to be the one that's the focus but if he's doing something and you're not feeling it it might just be that you're he's not hitting the right spot in the right way or you know you're just used to maybe sex toys or a different kind of pressure different kind of vibration and that's what you need there's nothing wrong with that there are a lot of people that use sex toys we were just talking earlier i talking about one called Eva, which, um, the little legs of it go under your labia and it sits on your clitoris and it can stay in during everything. So you could have that on and he could

be doing other things to you or kissing you or talk. Maybe you need someone to talk dirty to you while you're touching yourself. There's so many different ways. And I think that I would use this not as a, because you're bringing all this anxiety and like, you sound sad as you're talking about it. And I totally understand that. But I think that if you are attracted to them and you want to do this use it to explore and if you are just like well i'm attracted to him but nothing's happening also pay attention to that and maybe he's just not the person to do this with i think there's something to be said there because i think when you're first of all i would say if anyone is listening if you have like your sex drive has completely gone away or you're like

worried about in general totally talk to a gynecologist like for sure great option i think for you that wouldn't necessarily be mine because you're saying one week i'm so horny the next week i'm not i would also track it with your site period cycle and see if there's control if there's something there and also even just track your moods you're like oh am i really horny when i've been in like a great mood and like oh are these weeks like the week before my period that i'm pmsing am i really not so much in that or what are these things what are the constants that are happening as this is kind of tracking or even if it's just like cycles in general you're like oh it's every other week or like it's the first week of the month that i'm really into that and then

i'm not really for this other time or is it that you had been masturbating more or you've been masturbating less like figure out how that timeline kind of goes and then i would also say like you're so attracted to him when you're talking to him and like the whole leading up and then you get there and i think you can think someone is really attractive and not want to have sex with them but also really like them as a person and it gets confusing because maybe it's a makeout friend not a fucking friend yeah like there's something where it's like you can think someone's like so attractive and you're and then we've got great chemistry we talk so much and i really love their personality and all that stuff but it's still like you said like it could just also

just not be it and it sounds like i'm gonna assume it sounds like you've either masturbated or or come with partners because you brought it up to him with hey i've never i haven't come but you didn't say i've never come before so it sounds like you know you're you you know that three months like that this month into it you're like i was and you said you came once and it wasn't like my first workout i think you are yeah it's just not with this person right now yeah and i think there's something to be said about uh like build up and i don't know if he's like if he's awkward like if it's one of those things that like you get there and he like is one of those guys i can't where it's like one of those guys where you're like texting or whatever like oh my god i'm gonna

like do such nasty stuff to you and you get there and you're like what are you gonna do he's like stuff everyone in the room tackling because we've all literally where it's like they talk such a big game and then you get there and it's like hey do you do you want some like water and you're like I thought you were gonna fucking like yeah fuck the shit out of me yeah you said you were gonna break

my pussy dude yeah like what are you doing you're offering to make me a grilled cheese being like would you want to watch a movie and it's like what so I don't know if there's like this like difference if he's maybe a little shy so when you're talking to him and you're texting like he has that more confidence and you're really attracted to that. And then you get there in person and it's kind of just, it's falling a little flat. So I would say, I think a great

way to, if you know how, uh, like orgasms work for you and like, cause here's the thing. I don't know. I can like tell someone how to go down on me, but like only after they've gone down on me once, because like, I don't have like a video of every other guy that's gone down on me and be like, this is what he did. I'm like, I don't know. I'm up here and you're down there. I don't like, but if you do, I could be okay. Well, now that you're there, I can, I can give you directions now but like i can't just like tell you but if it's like masturbating or whatever or if you if there are specific things that you know that you like or if there are like any big like kinks and turn-ons that you have i would also incorporate like sexting like and something like that to

really build that anticipation and then when you start hanging out with him i think there also needs to be this i took shan budram's uh her it's her what is the quiz the were uh for the game of desire and it's the one that's what you're the your turn on the turn on quiz or something like that and it was i took it for me and then i took it in my mind for i mean i took it again like an like pretending to be means like i took it for me in my mind i took it for everyone i know i took it for him oh that's very mean i'm very much like what's our horoscope today what's everybody else i need to know what everyone's doing yeah i need to know everything at all times and so i totally could guess what matz's was immediately and then mine i was like oh i think i know what mine was

and mine was uh uh it was like it's just like compliments or like it's vocal sort of thing it's like the biggest turn on for me is like you look so fucking hot right now and i'm like cool drip in let's go like yeah but there are so many different ways of that and a lot of the time and shan talks about it a lot of the time a huge majority of men statistically are visual so if they see and like that's what monsters is and i was like well cool i wear i wear diane keaton sweaters every day so let me remind myself throwing a throwing a bra every once every month to be like sup but so there's that visual thing and that's an unspoken thing and that's immediately in the mood visual got it good and it can be very different so there are all these

other different ones it can be like and like you were saying like those deep conversations you need those deeper relationships and that's what turns you on and i think you need to figure that out because i think whatever's happening with whatever your turn on is there it's not there when you're in person and it doesn't mean it can't get there but you need to do whatever it is that will get you there and then if it doesn't then it's also not him yeah and it's not like a defeat if this isn't the person that magically makes you come like just because you're attracted to him i just think that yeah there's there's more to dive into and there are questions i would ask back about like you know have you have you gotten off with other partners were those hookup situations or

were those full-on relationships maybe the hookup place you just don't feel comfortable maybe there's trauma that has happened or when you were younger or recently or something that's unresolved that this person reminds you of or the situation reminds you of but yeah i wouldn't feel don't feel defeated first of all it's a long life and there's a lot of fucking to be had so you know you're gonna have time to figure this out and it's gonna change there might be things that worked for you a few years ago that don't work now and so again it's all about exploration if this is a person you enjoy being around have him take his time figure things out try different stuff watch porn together mutually masturbate sex i mean and if none of that works um you know

start evaluating if this is the person that you really want to do that with at all yeah because i mean you he sounds like fine like he sounds like he's a nice dude like sounds like yeah he felt bad when he didn't realize you were getting off which it's amazing to me how many men do not it's they just assume because you're vocalizing and you're wet that you have gotten off and it's like no no no no no it wasn't until the first time like that's my boyfriend and i hooked up that he like that i was like oh my god this is a guy who i've never had a guy ever before asked me like oh did you i've never faked i've never faked it but i never had someone ask me and i had never come with a partner until him and i started dating and he was it was like and i was like no he's like

okay let's let's i was like yeah what you care so i do wonder you asking him that are you telling him that was that also kind of like a turnoff to you that it's someone who even had to tell him yeah and because i'll be honest like is that kind of a dick thing yeah do i feel that 100 like if i that automatically me hooking up with someone if they if i if they didn't even like attempt to go down on me and it was just them and that we he could be inside me and i'm completely unattracted i've literally had men that just immediately go inside of me i'm like i don't think you understand how this works no and now it hurts and now it's like trauma i'm not attracted to you now now you make me feel icky and i'm like i don't like that and they could also be that and it's like well

here let me try and salvage and say by the way i didn't come but also like if you don't if if you don't want to have to say that that's you're not eliminating i mean you might be eliminating a portion of the population but it's not you're not like looking for a unicorn yeah i mean look if you can open up your expectations for especially that first time or the first few times you sleep with someone but and i think in hookup culture it's like there's probably there's more misses and hits sometimes if you're not used to advocating for yourself or communicating exactly what you like um but you know by all accounts this sounds like it's going on for a while try it out see what happens but again don't be afraid to say you know what i like him i'm

attracted to him but it doesn't mean i have to fuck him just because i fucked him once yeah oh my god a hundred percent because eventually you get to a point like me where i haven't had sex in few years. And I'm like, I'm not sleeping with anyone until it's vastly different from the experiences I've had, which at the time felt like enough because it was my first experience feeling wanted in this body. And so that felt like pleasure. But then as it kept going on, I realized I was giving so much more pleasure and expected of me, um, because I, I like giving, um, that that was enough. And those people weren't checking in to make sure that my needs were met or what I wanted, there was an emotional connection that I needed to follow through. And so the next

situation I'm in will look vastly different from those former situations. And that's okay. That's gross. The amount of mind blowing blow jobs I've given to guys who never made me come many. I literally think about that now. I'm like, Oh, I unsuck all your dicks. I don't because I'm still the best that you've ever, and I know it. Listen, still get texts from, from X situations that are like, I just remember how it sounded. And I'm like, and you can remember how it sounded forever because it's never happening never ever ever ever again at all but i also wonder if he's if a guy and this is my generalization for the straight like cisgender males that i interacted in my life if they have made girls come before they know if someone's faking like and so i do

wonder if he's never he's never made a girl come before because he had no idea and you didn't say you faked it you just said you didn't you said you didn't and i don't think you faked it you don't sound you sound pretty straightforward you don't sound like someone who did so i also think that this is he's never been with someone who's told him i didn't i didn't and maybe that maybe he's just like a really sweet seeming person a lot of people wanted to spare his feelings or didn't want to go further into explaining their own it could be a mix of things but i think that you know um my friend evian whitney she just talked about how she's had you know she wanted everyone to kind of make a pledge of like from this day moving forward we're not going to have

sex when we don't want to regardless of what we're what kind of partnership we're in or that we're expected to we're really going to pay attention to our bodies and have sex only we want to have and i think that's another resource resource um evian because she's a sexuality doula and she talks about like just feeling good within your body and getting you to a place where you can even welcome that pleasure and feel that pleasure and accept it and so i think it it you know it definitely comes down to communication but ultimately it comes down to just knowing that you're okay with yourself and and that at the end of the day you feel comfortable communicating what you want and what you need and not every sexual situation has to end with anyone getting off

but if you consistently find yourself in situations where you're pleasing someone and it's not the same care paid to you you know it's time to it's time to change it up maybe it's as basic as he has those glitter stars on the ceiling and you just say i can't focus it could be literally anything smells yeah it could be again it could be so many things so again yeah You really need to get down to the heart of, do I just think that because I'm attracted to someone and there's no good reason for me not to fuck them that I should fuck them? Because if that's the case or I slept with them once and so I have to continue figuring this out until it works, life is too, you know, it's too long and too short at the same time. So I just think try what you try here, but don't beat yourself up because one person that you've been with, you're not getting off with. It's fine.

Yeah. You'll be okay. Yeah. You'll be fine. You'll have worse sex later in your life too. you listen there's worse sex to come there's better sex to come it's you know it's a grab bag yeah it's time for break guys and we'll be right back and sup bitches we're back from our break let's get into the rest uh i'm 20 years old and i have

masturbated since 14 maybe I lost my virginity at 16 and I have been sexually active since then and I have a boyfriend now and we are dating for seven months now uh sorry if I get unspecific but I guess it might help with the advice so I have messed around with myself uh down there but and I have gotten orgasms with my partners with combined penetration and some down there action but when alone i can't go all the way i always stop myself from having an orgasm i find pleasure with what i'm doing but never let myself go and i don't know why i get in the zone pretty quickly but can't go all the way i guess i'm afraid maybe i can't really describe the feeling honestly i don't come from a religious background so it's not at all a god is watching kind of thing

and also uh i guess this is relevant i can't do it alone without watching porn i can disconnect from porn but not start without it which i don't know if it's weird um my boyfriend is amazing but i feel that i should get the same effect with me myself and i also when he's doing it to me i have a hard time letting go and though i am getting better at it i have spoken about this with him and he's very comprehensive and he's also helping me letting go and i'm calling to get advice on the whole situation and how can i not be afraid or whatever i'm feeling and do it all the way by myself and if this is a normal thing um love the podcast thank you bye thank you bye thank you bye okay bye that was great i love how clear and concise you are

your nurse son you have to be in capricorn you make this i was gonna say it's a capricorn or it feels being like here's what i've got this is all the evidence i i've tried to figure it out on my own here's my hypotheses would love your intake listen people send me like their full charts now because i always guess this stuff on my podcast you know i turn off most people's like retweets and replies i don't turn off yours a because you're very funny but also because this like the people who follow you are also equally funny and so there's just so much astrology bullshit of people being like dragged me and you're like okay bitch i will and i listen i have so much fun i love it it's a good time thank you i'm glad this question brought us closer

together um what are your thoughts okay so this is interesting first of all i want you to let go of the idea of what normal is because this this concept of like i don't know this is how i'm doing this is the right way it's clearly clearly the right way i think starting off with porn is fine I think it sounds like there you've noted it. There's a control issue, right? Like you don't want to let go. And so I'm sure watching porn, you're watching something else happening. And so you feel like you're an observer as opposed to being like the main center of it. And so you can probably let go a little bit, dissociate yourself a little bit, and then you're getting closer to your orgasm that way. So I think that's totally a fine way to start. A lot of people start

off watching porn. I occasionally watch porn if I'm just like, I don't have any good memories or good, like, or like I don't have anything in my mind right now that's really getting me there. and I just want to just want in and out, you know? Um, and so I think explore that. Like if you can, if you can get all the way and you can make yourself come watching porn the whole way through, that's the first step. Like now, you know, that you can get there and then it's peeling it back and figuring out how to do that without all of these kinds of, um, extras involved. Um, it sounds to me, you know, you're, you're getting to a certain point and then you're kind of letting go, uh, of, of getting there, you're, you're pulling yourself back. And I think that there

are a lot of things can be happening. Again, I always go back to if there's any kind of trauma that's happened or if there's a situation, not even necessarily traumatic in like a sexual way, but in, in your family, in your life in general, where maybe you just, you, you're so scared of giving up that control of, of, um, relaxing. Um, and it sounds like you even struggle to do that with your partner and your partner is trying to like help you um and i also would recommend different toys they have toys now that literally like move pivot spin like do backflips do back flips i mean on your clip all kinds of things and so um you know i can make my i can get myself off with just my hands but i do prefer so much effort i do yeah it takes it does it takes it takes much

longer I have to be honest I can but I don't want to I'll give up yeah I don't want to this is taking too long I know sometimes it's so much better I'm just gonna go to bed I'm done yeah it's so much it's like reserved for like when I'm traveling and I didn't and I couldn't bring anything with me and I'm just like I'm I have to figure this out but even then I'll probably be like it's not worth it I'll orgasm when I get home it's fine um and so I think maybe maybe that's part of it of like maybe you know when you have someone else doing something to you you're coming with your partner it's because you can kind of you're not in control everything you're letting go and so maybe you need to mess around with some toys that will will or your partner too with toys

that will let you have kind of hands off lay back enjoy it relax our favorite sex for the crescent crescendo is very hands-on yeah crescendo there you go touch anything see a whole recommendation it wraps around you it does i relate to this though this is very much me before the first time because i have surprised no one i have massive control issues like i i know who would have guessed isn't it so wild and weird i am like a control freak and i like i didn't masturbate until i was like 20 21 maybe and i know that's not that's not i didn't actually come masturbating until i was probably like 20 yeah 20 21 ish but i had tried many times and that was my thing is like i would get i would get in my head and then it'd be like okay i'm done i'm done i'm done and

here's the part that i think you need i think like porn is great i don't know if you this is this is a very specific recommendation and this is the first time i ever had an orgasm i don't know if you have a bathtub but there is something combined with and this is like a part that i will help me if i'm having control issues and anything is noise i need noise that's not my mind i need water running and i will play like fucking rap music at the same time and it's nothing that i'm not listening to the lyric i just like i need all of this other stimulation it's the same thing with like i can't do uh i can't work out at home i can't do a quiet workout i need to be somewhere that's not my house i need to be like there needs to be like dimmed lights and i need loud music

otherwise like i can't focus also i have adhd so i need lots of stimulation in order to do one thing otherwise i'm not maybe having a person with her is why she's able to get off because there's something else to distract yeah that you can think about and you can see and there's all that other stuff but if it's literally you laying in bed and it's quiet and it's just you in your hands and you're kind of watching porn that i would have a very hard time coming with that even as somebody who regularly comes so i think like if you have a bathtub and you can position yourself there i would also say the thing about like i don't know what you're using but also if you're getting if you're getting a i don't say afraid but you're stopping yourself before you get there

you might be doing having it's too much like actual like physical pressure that you're feeling like it is like out of control in a way there are many different kinds of orgasms of like building up to it and if you can find and i think a toy would be a really great way to get there and build that way because if it is too much like physical pressure and it's too intense too fast because you're saying you get there pretty quickly and then you don't yeah if you've like fucking pounding on that clip but i'm like oh i don't want to ah i'm like this is like it's it can be like it's an overwhelming sensation and it's a that's like a visceral natural reaction to be like oh your body your body is tensing up yeah yeah because it's like oh no whoa what like if it's

too much too fast you need to build yourself into it i mean maybe use this as an opportunity to start messing around with edging you know it sounds like that's kind of what you're naturally doing but you're you're not being able to kind of enjoy it because your your body is reacting in an anxious kind of way of like there's something happening too fast and i'm freaking out and there's already control issues so it's all just adding to each other but i think like if you get to listen we've all done that where you get to a place and you're like i'm so close i'm so close and then the battery dies on the toy and you're like scrambling in your drawer like does anything have charge in it oh my god that was me last week and i was so pissed

fucking kidding me it's the absolute worst but like you know and then there's that disappointment of like oh i'm not gonna be able to get back there again i would just take a minute take a break get some lube go back to work and just enjoy the process a little bit more don't feel like you know see how far you can get each time you can get a little bit further if you spend the whole day i mean take all day by all means and you're just getting close enough and you're feeling it but then you're backing off just pay attention to your body throughout it don't don't add so much extra pressure yourself if i'm not being able to do it myself you know listen you started touching yourself and having sex young i did too i was touching myself i mean listen i'm scorpio i

was touching myself like 10 years old i still have a very clear memory of like the first time i touched my clit i was we had like i in my room i had these like mirror sliding doors and i remember just like looking at myself i had no one in my family in the midwest to tell me anything about anything so they would just buy me these books with like diagrams and i would figure it out and i remember touching my clit and peeing myself instantly like the feeling of just like i didn't expect it it was so like what is happening and then obviously learning and figuring that out that process but again i would i would say that look back and see the question is if they did she say she's ever been able to get up she has no she's not not by herself not by herself so

even when you were young you were touching yourself but not able to get off yeah interesting well i think and i think that the thing i'm hounding on now is or from is that you you can start getting there really quickly but it's just not finishing there so i don't think what so how you've been doing that i don't think you should get there really quickly because i think that's not working so i think like it panics you yeah watch porn don't don't even touch yourself say like play a game with yourself i'm gonna watch like 40 minutes and i'm not gonna touch myself yeah wait till you're so turned on that you like have to touch yourself don't just start off touching yourself right away and like build yourself in the process no like get yourself

super turned on and now play that game with yourself of being like i'm not gonna do i'm not And then you keep watching, you find something else that's super sexy and you're getting like really aroused and turned on before you even start touching yourself and stimulating. Cause I think that's what you need to get there first. Cause I think your mindset isn't in the mindset of sexy. So then when the physical sex, like it's physically like, oh, you're going to come, your mind's not there. So you're like, what are you doing?

You're just looking for a release. And so I think that there's more into the process that's happening. And you, again, you might start unraveling things that are unprocessed or undealt with or just that are coming up during sex that luckily, like with a partner, you're distracted and it goes there quickly. And so it happens, but with yourself, it's just hard to quiet it. And so I, again, compassion, take time, figure out edging. And I understand the pressure though, feeling like if I don't have a partner, how am I ever going to get off if I don't know how to do it myself? And I don't think it's a matter of not knowing how to do it yourself. You know how

to do it. It's just a matter of releasing and letting go enough to let it just finish out without you you know controlling every part of it and you probably control a lot of things in your life too so this is probably like a bigger issue that's happening and it's just finding itself right now your focus is on getting yourself off by yourself and feel sexy when you masturbate i think that's something that like you we can do it as like i don't want to say a chore but like i need to fall asleep let me go do this but there's also something when you're having sex with a partner and you're really enjoying it hopefully and most likely you're feeling really sexy and you're feeling really turned on and if it's just you don't you don't need to feel silly of being

like oh my god like like touch yourself like vocalize like do you live by yourself just like everyone's out the roommates are out for the day just like be loud about it like and like have a performance exactly like you are sexy it's not like oh i'm just gonna i'm masturbating and i'm gonna come it's like no i'm fucking hot like i'm so hot like i like you i think you need to feel that sexiness and i think that's also gonna get you in that mindset talk yourself through it as it's coming up like cheer yourself on okay and talk to yourself the way that you would want a partner to talk to you as you're getting close yeah that's my suggestion but i'm excited for you because it's gonna happen it's gonna happen and and i would like an update yeah it's gonna

be great it's gonna be a really good time we're excited for you um best of luck on your endeavors i hope you take an entire day this weekend to please take a whole weekend and you know our boyfriend i think for sure oh my god yeah i'll go play pot pot with my friends you have fun you want a snack you good water break yeah i love it electrolytes um i am calling because i need some advice on what to do in my relationship my fiance and i have been together for over two years now and we are recently engaged however a couple of weeks ago i received an anonymous email from someone not sure who um It didn't have a name, but in it were screenshots of my fiance on a fetish website, where I later discovered that he had talked to several girls, all of which were naked and, you know, into, I guess, crazy stuff.

I didn't see any fetishes specifically, but that on top of later finding out that he had a secret Snapchat where he talked to ex-girlfriends, random girls, and then I also found out that he was exchanging nude pictures of girls with another guy, so he would send nude pictures of girls he had, the other guy would send pictures he wanted to see, and I also found out that he actually sent some of me um which was really upsetting so i guess i'm just trying to get some advice on how to move forward um i love him and i want to try and work through this but i have always in the past just left when i've been cheated on and haven't put up with this kind of behavior um because loyalty and faithfulness is something that's really important to me

um but you know he's worse he's not going to do it again um and then he's you know he's given up pretty much any freedoms. He says, you know, I can do whatever to make myself feel comfortable, but it's just hard to look past this and look at him the same. Um, so I guess I just need some advice on what to do about that and how to work through this. Um, I have a hard time because a lot of the girls were, you know, his exes or people he works with. So it's like, I have a hard time trusting him to even leave the house, um, which is really frustrating and, um, gives me a lot of anxiety so i just don't know how to move forward um any advice you guys could give me would be great um we have gone to counseling before because long story short um his family

is very toxic and has has been hard to deal with um throughout our relationship so we've gone to therapy for that and while i like therapy i don't think that it can really help me in this situation um simply because i don't think talking about it um will get me through this i really just don't know how to trust after this but like i said i want to try and make this relationship work so can someone change um is this something we can look past i'm sorry i just don't think going to therapy and talking about it will help but you call it to a podcast they're where we all we do is preach therapy but also more than that i don't trust him i don't know how to trust him but i don't want to talk about it the reason why you feel like talking about it and therapy won't work

is because therapy and talking about it hasn't given you the answer you desperately want yeah and that is not the point of it you're going to hear the things that you don't want to hear and see the things you don't want to see what it sounds like is you've been in a lot of relationships you've been cheated on a lot you got into this one seemed good enough you could deal with a toxic family and some camp some family counseling two years in and get engaged and now all of a sudden we're finding this entire secret life. Listen, there's nothing wrong with fetish. There's nothing wrong with any of that stuff, but there is something wrong with a partner hiding stuff from you. This email did not come from him letting you know this email came from someone anonymous that

felt morally obligated in some kind of way to let you know what was going on. He's not only, and it's not even just, he's on fetish websites, um, talking to people, which some people that would be a violation and cheating for some, it's not that he's meeting up and doing all these other things. He's sending photos of women without their consent to other men, including photos of you. And I think you said people that he works with. Yeah. And so this is a person who I'm not shocked that he comes from a toxic family because this shit has been passed down. And I'm sure I bet his dad did this to his mom. I see it all so clearly. This is someone who is not being honest with you, who's not being upfront about the things that they're interested in, who is violating your

not just your trust but actually violating you in general by sending photos all of these other women and all of these other women that you don't know that don't know i'm sure that their photos are being sent around and he has no real explanation for it he's kind of just like well you know we'll go to counseling and i'll stop doing it for now let me tell you what as someone who come i don't even speak to my father because he does this kind of shit that will it will not change people can change but people have to want to change and if someone's not stepping up saying i have a problem I've been doing this thing. I want to come to you and I want to start our life anew and fresh and give you the opportunity to feel the way you feel. And if that's not, if you don't want to be

with me, I understand that because I violated you and what I've done. That's not someone to build a life with. This idea of I'm just going to, I'm going to steamroll through. I'm just going to like, we'll just fix it. We'll hold on to it. You are holding on to absolutely nothing. You are holding on to a vision of what you wish you had and what you thought you had by just getting to the point where you got asked to be married. And again, anything that's happening in your relationship before you get married is going to exponentially grow once you're past that. And then your lives are connected financially, spiritually, otherwise. And you're, I mean, it's just, it's such a mess that you're looking to get into because of what's going on with you.

That's not everything that he's doing completely fucked up, but we have to focus on you. And why do you feel that you deserve to be with someone who's not going to be honest with you with themselves and is going to put the is going to jeopardize the lives of other people you know and that's only what you know yeah it's only what you've seen please do not spend the rest of your life checking someone's social media and their phones and their emails and wondering what they're doing when they're not home they're not coming home on time it it is a stress that you do not need there are too many people in this world that you will have a great time with who will love you in the way you want to be loved and who at the bare minimum will be honest with you about what

they're into and what they want to do with just you so i would take this as a huge red fucking flag and run and before i went if i were so inclined i'd make i'd watch him i'd make him delete every fucking photo he has of me of everyone i want to see computers hard drives phones all of that drop box the cloud yeah everything and i want to know that if any of these photos get out i will be going to the police if i'm not already going to talk to the authorities because everything that he's doing in fucking correct yeah i think that i think i i literally have goosebumps from that that was fantastic thank you i blacked out i i saw it in your eyes at one point and i was like i just she's got this i'm telling you i'm i am in a family right now

that has been broken apart apart by a man who is i mean this is times a million this i mean yeah physical evidence of doing things but um it's just it the main contributing thing is that if someone does not want to change and is not doing it of their own accord being pressured or pushed into having to confess something but only what's been put out there yeah you are going to spend the rest of your life not trusting them you're already bringing baggage in from your other relationships, right? Because you've been cheated on a bunch and now you're in the ultimate cheating relationship right before you're about to marry them. Take this as a gift. This is a gift that you've been given that you now know who this person is and you do not have to stay with

them. And this is, this is always who he's been. And I think this boils down to, and I don't want to say this like lightly because I don't, I don't, I don't want, I think I truly think this is what you're feeling if you don't you realize it i think you're really embarrassed and i think that that sounds like a frivolous feeling yeah but that's earth shattering i think you're probably fucking mortified that this person who you loved and like you said you thought this was the new leaf you thought this was everything you had the white picket fence in your head and he turned out to be like all of that and i think you're embarrassed that you fell for that guy again you'd rather go into the marriage just being like well i'll fix it we'll fix it behind closed doors then feel the

the judgment of wow why did you know why did he have to go why did he do this and why listen it's gonna be more embarrassing in the long run and ultimately i would rather you be a little embarrassed now yeah then tether your life to someone who does not care about you well let's talk about more embarrassing when his co-workers find out and press legal charges and you're a wife do not marry this person because your shit is connected to him and he's going to jail at some point this is the thing like if it's two years in this is the stuff that you know there's 10 there's 10 times as much as you know and two years in like here's what all this is the other thing i might not get a couple's therapy every week i love it it's the greatest thing ever

and you don't stop going to therapy so the idea of oh the toxic family but then we stopped we no you don't you you don't stop and i'm gonna be honest i'm assuming he was like let's stop because this is not helping us because i'm sure what let's just do with ourselves babe because i'm sure what happened is it brought up a lot of stuff and you guys were fighting and you were and i'll be honest oh my god the first couple months matz and i went to therapy i was like i hate i mean i loved our therapist but i was like i fucking hate this i'm crying for hours and all this is doing is making me feel worse and then it was like oh it has to get worse before it gets better we're unpacking all of this stuff and it's triggering to unpack and i think that's what

happens is that that's what you guys were doing and he was like no this isn't working let's be done and sweeping it under the rug and this is just like this this is not even just hi i don't care about you and i'm a misogynistic dick it's like i'm a misogynistic dick to the point of i'm gonna commit crimes and potentially go to jail and do you want to be the wife of the guy who's been sending naked photos like do you that is the like that's if anything is the most embarrassing thing and also not to come at you but like as a woman how are you okay with marrying a man who's been so disrespectful if you don't care about yourself that's one thing but so disrespectful to all of these other women that don't know that these are being distributed how

i would not be able to sleep at night knowing the fact that there are naked pictures being sent around of women without their consent and being like holy fucking shit like how i'm not looking out for that yeah yeah i mean listen there's probably i you know what i'm gathering from this I bet whether they admit it or not there's an element of fear in the sense of if I leave him will he release my photos right because he has photos of you we don't know I'm listen I'm gonna guess that this man is um oh I got a lot of thoughts about him but um that he's a bullet in my head you know you fight with him to a point or you argue with him to a point and it gets vindictive and he's not obviously not someone that can be trusted with private information much less his

place in the world. So what I would say is 2020, there are laws in place now for revenge porn and things popping up. And this is not the road you want to go down. This is again, I'll say it again. This is a gift. I know it feels embarrassing. I know it's hard to call off a wedding to admit that there's this whole other life you found that your partner has, but you don't, don't, please don't commit the next four, commit the next 40, 50 years of your life to someone that can't even be honest with you for two yeah you know it's just the math doesn't add up and what it really comes down to is how you feel about yourself and how you feel about yourself in relation to the relationships that you've had because you just are hoping that this will figure

itself out maybe we but you've the things that you're saying about therapy won't work and like talking won't work like you sound abused that that's the part that i'm like do you hear yourself of being like no therapy's not not like what do you think we're gonna say you're calling into a podcast like what do you think we're going to tell you that there's a magic wand we're like okay so if you go to this babbling brook and you drink this elixir your mind will be cleared like literally what do you do you think that there's like a secret code out there and also i don't think you do think that i think he's put this idea in your head and being like come on let's move on let's move on and you're like if you keep saying move on why can't i move on what's wrong with me what

is it that thing i need to do and he's like well therapy doesn't help your therapy doesn't help what can i do to move on there's a thing i need to do move on i need to ask somebody because it's a thing because he's talking about it i'm not doing it how can i do it i don't know if this man is um the example of what therapy does or doesn't do like i don't think if i'm taking i don't think i'm taking his advice on what we should be doing as a couple or as a household yeah because he can't as a person stand up and be the man that he should be for you honestly and also how do you feel about the fact that he's sending these to his friends like these are also people you know do you trust these guys? Do you like these? Like what they can be sending them to other people.

That's what I mean. Yeah, absolutely. So it's just, regardless of the specifics of what's happened, it's a huge violation of your trust and of your person. And I think regardless of how you feel your emotions and you're tied up with this person, but you have to, your higher self has to want more for where you are right now. And you have to look ahead and say, do I want to be, I'm not even married to this man yet. Do I want to be running behind him, making sure he's not doing what he might be doing because he did it once? Do I want to be consistently checking on someone? Do I want to be afraid that when someone walks in the house for a party, that they've seen me naked without my consent? I'm going to tell, I hope the answer is no. I hope I'm saying these

things. You're hearing it and you're thinking, I don't want that life. And I want better for myself. And even if you don't feel like you can do it right now that you're not there, you need to mom yourself. You need to like parent yourself. You need to step in place for the person that is willing to walk down the aisle with someone who is violating them and, um, and trust that getting out of the situation. And once you have clarity and once you have some closure and once you start healing, you should be going to therapy on your own. Don't let this man tell you what therapy does don't believe that talking about it's not going to help you you're trying you're crying out right now for help and i hope that you hear exactly what we're saying in the way that

we're saying it because um i think this is a journey you have to go on by yourself and um i want better for you and i don't even know you so i think the best thing you're going to do for yourself is want more for you than you've accepted and if you can't would you give your little sister this advice like well if this was your this is your best friend your little sister if you can't look at yourself in that situation put somebody else who you love and care about so much yes would you want them to go through all this and this is the that you're never going to listen after this he doesn't love you like you love him so much and you can't love someone enough for the both of you that's true and it is so incredibly painful and so incredibly hard but people who love you don't

do this and i think you're kind of treating this as like this isn't normal he doesn't put the dishes away like that it has like the same energy as that and that's incorrect and then that's the part i'm like so you're so desensitized to this i can't imagine the shit that you've been through yeah and this is something that like once you've been if you've been in like bad relationship bad relationship bad relationship i dated a string of drug dealers for a point and then i finally was like my pickers off i need to take a break and reevaluate all of this because why am i why am i attracted this because i keep ending up in the same situation and i think you need to understand that you might love him so much but no matter what he says and how much he says he loves you

his actions has proved have proven clearly different that he doesn't and to be honest he might not ever be and i to be i fair i don't think he's ever he will never be capable of loving you and it's something that like if he wanted to change and fix it therapy and that's also pisses me off you were in therapy for his family stuff but not he could have had the opportunity in like a neutral place to talk about that and bring that up with you or even continue going and hopefully feel better enough to talk about it or even the second you found all of that stuff make an appointment with the therapist and be like yeah i feel so bad we need to figure this out and he's already gaslighting you being like if it'll make you i'll do whatever and you said

like he'll give away my freedom which you know is a line that he fed her you did not say oh i want you to take away your freedom he said that yeah and you're like that's so nice he's offering that he that's passive-aggressive and gaslighting and then he's like whatever you need whatever's gonna make you feel better whatever you need me to do well here's the thing you shouldn't be doing that a it's illegal in general but he's putting this on you as if this is your fault that you feel badly about this i'm gonna give up my freedom as a gift to you first of all i don't want to walk on the rest of my life um constricting you to make sure that you don't do the things that you're gonna do i want to be able to trust you as a partner i want to go i want to know that when

i leave town i don't have to worry about you texting a bunch of people not telling me he's like i'm gonna shit everywhere unless you clean it up exactly and so i think also there's this danger of like we're seeing a string of similar situations right with a bunch of cheating and so we have a lot of women who are like but is it true that people can change and they're hoping for they're trying to save someone they're trying to like he's good enough if we can just fix these like rough parts and the thing is people absolutely change whether they want to or not but are they going to change in the way that you need them to change to be a good partner to you is a different question and that requires a sense of um accountability and proactiveness that this

person has not shown you so listen they i mean you know famous quote of like you know believe people when they show you who they are yeah but believe people when the emails and the photos show you who they are stop messing around with it if he was gonna change he already would have and that's and if he wanted to he would have and i bet he uses his family as an excuse to why he doesn't he cries about what his father did to his mother and he never wants to be like that and then you have to comfort him for being a piece of shit please don't get into this it's it's your i guarantee you you go into therapy they're going to start breaking into what you're going through and what you've dealt with and i bet you try to save people i bet you try to come in and i can

handle it i can deal with it it's going to be fine and you're comforting people that are hurting you and that is not good no you're calling it love and i think that's that's the issue and if you grew up if you grew up in a toxic environment and that was like oh this is what love is this makes just stick it out and that's what that but it's and it's and it's just not that and i think like you said people can change but you have nothing to do with it i also just want you to stand in front of a mirror and say therapy doesn't help talking about it won't help and realize how over and over over and over and over again and then realize i promise you you'll probably start crying yes and realize how fucking dumb that sounds yeah and then realize if talking about

it won't help what's supposed to help and then nothing's supposed to help i'm supposed to feel like this forever yeah i just deal with it this is not a normal part of relationships this is not a normal part of marriages or partnership which is the main thing there and i promise you it's not just i'm looking looking your family too there's something in there that's told you that you have to accept that you have to stay that you have to deal with that it's your duty that it's your job this is how it goes and we are telling you that is not no it's not a prerequisite like it's not a part of any other relationships it's not like well i put these two years in you're like oh yeah the next year you're not gonna have to deal with this it's not wasted time no please don't stay in

things because you're like well i spent two years and we just gotta push through if it's if it's not this it's gonna be another thing it's maybe it's that they're messy maybe maybe it's that they've got bad bo maybe it's but it's not that they're sending naked like this is such an extreme you're never gonna find someone you're never gonna accidentally stumble upon another person who's done all of these same things like this is like this is unreal epitome of a piece of shit and i love you but don't be dumb because if you stay with him that's it's so fucking dumb and your friends and everybody around you is probably screaming inside being like don't be a fucking dumb bitch don't bring kids into the world with this do not have this person do not have this guy

be a father do not let any don't get intertwined with this because he's just not only gonna fuck up your life and if you're consenting him to fuck up your life do not consent for that for your kids because your kids like your future children did not ask for that oh yeah no i mean listen it's that's a not fun situation to be in that's that's awful and i understand that you're coming off the tail end of a bunch of trauma into this. And so you're just trying to make it make sense. You're living it. That's the part that's scary. But you have to see the chaos for what it is. And you have, you are the only person that can get yourself out of this. And so if writing into a podcast and saying these things to us and hearing

the response, isn't pushing you in that direction. I'm nervous. I'm scared for you because the reality is that someone that sits and says therapy doesn't work. Talking doesn't work is someone that eventually is going to stop talking to their friends, stop talking to their family become isolated become overrun deal with everything on their own and then you're going to wake up one day exhausted with a man who's cheating on you who's doing horrible things who's violating your trust and you're going to have no space for yourself value yourself enough to get out of what doesn't serve you i love how this started with fetish websites like oh what fetish yeah we were into it we were like oh feet like what's going on how can we incorporate that

to your sex life and now it's like oh no if he disappears forever that's fine yeah it's fine oh uh holy shit well wow is it time for don't blame them okay so this is where uh other callers will call in with their own advice from previous episodes if they have their own experience okay so the last episode we recorded it was a karen and she was annoying this one is she a fucking karen too no but i think you should share with megan yeah give me a rundown this is uh oh shit yeah break it down this is from the episode face on so i know it's gonna be good this is from the episode that you and i did in february um the original caller had um oh shit gotten pregnant by her stepbrother yeah oh shut the fuck up i didn't i make a joke in that episode of being

like many no i think i made it off camera where i was like okay no way anyone can call in relating to this one okay yeah so this isn't the this person hasn't been through the exact thing but her friend has oh my god wow is everyone fucking their stepbroker yeah but to be to give her credit in the original call before she started she goes get ready for some alabama type shit oh self-aware we got ready but it i wasn't ready for that much i was like alabama okay and i was like oh you mean incest hey guys i'm calling um not with personal experience but i do have a friend who went through this and um I talked to her about it and she said since it's anonymous she'd be fine like with me talking about it but it's about um your recent Eminem episode about the girl who's hooking up

with her stepbrother so my friend also she actually lost her virginity it's her stepbrother but they so they had become step-siblings at around like seven but they weren't living in the same house until they were both um well she was 16 and he was 17 but they like went to high and stuff and that's when they like lived in the same house but before they didn't even live in the same state or anything like that like he lived with his like bio mom and she lived with like the stepdad and like her bio mom like that sort of thing and so then when I started living together when um she was like 16 he was living in their garage like garage turned room type thing and they ended up like hooking up and ended up hooking up like a lot and when she first told me I was

kind of like oof like that sounds like it sounds like to y'all's point it's just a little bit weird and it was I think it was really confusing for her especially going to high school and growing up and she didn't have really a lot of boy experience like before that I don't even think she had like her first kiss I don't even think she had a boyfriend at that point when they started to like actively hook up and um I told her me and um one of our other friends we ended up telling her that maybe she should talk to like the guidance counselor at school about it because like I said we were we were in high school and um so she ended up talking to her guidance counselor and her guidance counselor ended up talking telling her parents and um what her parents did

was they moved him out of their house and like he moved back to where he was from like before and her parents started to get her counseling and she realized the reason she was like acting out that way was because um she was having other problems at home and it was her kind of way of um like she figured out was her kind of way of like rebelling against her parents and like even just the divorce and everything happening in general and that she realized she was still like really unhappy about that and so she thought the best way to do it was to do something kind of taboo that would come back and like hurt her family eventually so the moral of the story is i guess go to therapy it's not like the end of the world but like megan melissa said there's

probably a deep underlying issue as to why you're doing that yeah also i want to note the difference in parenting here because those parents and that's what i that's what i mentioned in the first call that i was like there's a trauma issue here because the parents kicked them both out both her and the brother sharing a room yeah okay well and that i'm like you protect your kids do not have them share we don't know we didn't know the they we didn't know the ages of when they started sharing a room but the response was to kick them both out this is such a different parenting time like of being like this is a 17 year old boy a 16 year old girl also guidance counselor that's what they should do they're minors and also to be fair even if they're the

same even if they like they don't know the age of it this is a minor who is now i'm being told is having like sex at home which is that's a whole new that's a whole new level like mom and dad you're mean to me so i fucked my brother like that's just another level of vindictive like with the intention of that and it's also but i think about that like because in the original call we were talking about that age when you're like you're a teenager oh and you're yes you're you're you don't it's it's kind i would like you've got like feet like cisgender feet like we've got female have the hormones and all of those puberty changes like 13 12 13 but there's another like i think that's physical but also emotional of like end of high school sort of thing of being like

everything is like this hyper sexualized media like i'm like starting to like these aren't just like me touching myself urges there's other people involved and like i've got all this anger i can't communicate my feelings like all of that i'm like this makes i also think that like as a parent especially if i were like combining my family with another family and we have teenagers this is just something i would be i feel like you have to be aware of that you're gonna have children that are not blood related they're living under the same roof that have hormones and urges and they're vindictive about certain things and then you're putting them in a room together and it seems like no one's having a fucking conversation about like what we expect under

this roof you want to fuck each other you fuck each other when you're 18 and you're living on your own like yeah you know and and so i think that they're kind they're also kind of being set up to fail in like her friend's scenario um but yeah it obviously comes down to when you when you see the situation happening being like okay well we need to kind of separate you two and have you in therapy and figure out what's going on and where this is coming from oh that's what i did not think anyone was going to relate to that call i think this is way more common that's what i said because there's a whole section of porn about this yeah well yeah the taboo of incest for sure but like step-sibling porn is like yeah oh that's a whole thing yeah well i know it's like they do

it in gossip girl but they're also they do that in so many shows by the way there's so many listen even though listen i first saw the show firefly back today i saw a fan video for it and i saw river and simon and i thought they were fucking and then i watched the first episode and i'm like oh my god they're related and then the entire show is just like okay i don't want to ship them because i can't like also how can i write the fan fiction so they're not actually blood related to make it okay so i used to watch that show listen i think it's very i think it's very common i think it's um and then you get into a whole situation too when they're growing up together and you're like is this actually a consensual relationship or there's sexual abuse happening because i think

when i think about in the sense of like i think if i think they're in order for that to happen not always but my automatic instinct is there's sexual abuse on both sides i don't see either one potentially that's the part that i'm like i don't see like a young boy coming on to his young like his like step-sibling who's in there like let's say like 13 14 i don't see either of that happening without both of them having had sexual abuse in the past yeah it's possible because that's and that's the part that i think the girl the callback her parents did a great job of being like let's get you into counseling let's figure all this stuff out versus the original original caller where it was like you're both kicked out of the house yeah you can't live here just please

don't be putting teenagers together in a room just let them have their own space if it's possible and like protect their privacy not their physical well-being protect their comfortability honestly honestly and um it's such a it's such an interesting topic to be the base of it should just be there's no dating under this roof okay it's not happening in the house all right whatever you do when you go off in the world you figure it out but here now not can't date anyone that we share this carpool with yes fair that's no fair but um wow you know sometimes things give me perspective i'm like there could be problems i have that i don't have i thought she was crazy for thinking this happens a lot but you also think this i think it's way more common wow i think it's

very common because well first of all i think in general of sexual abuse within families that's incredibly common and i think having you have people that are minors that don't really understand their relationships with their bodies they don't really understand their relationship their hormones what they're feeling what you know they feel is right or wrong nothing's being kind of dictated to them and so I think that they're exploring they're exploring they're trying to they're trying to figure out what's going on and I think that it's part parenting it's part what can happen but I just think it's way more I think it's way more common especially with like step-sibling stuff when it's like in their head they're thinking oh well we're not blood related so

yeah um and it's easy like it's right there yeah that and you have you never know how those kids are going to bond you're making me think of every single person i know in high school who had step siblings who were also teenagers now that's a lot that's a lot and getting pregnant by oh god i know it's a whole other man um well that's it for our episode megan plug your shit where can people find you you can find me megan tangis on most things of a podcast comes out every wednesday with my friend michelle moore called no lies detected and uh listen you type my name on itunes you're gonna find podcasts but you're also gonna find music you are so fantastic and i've told you this i think i told you the first time you were on that you were one of the first people i ever so i think

you must have been one of like the first three channels i ever subscribed to on youtube oh my and i never unsubscribed you have the most beautiful voice thank you and you it's not obviously your voice wouldn't change over like the time or whatever but i don't think a lot of people continued doing just like filming my like filming yourself singing in your bedroom kind of videos for like this long yeah yeah like i took a little bit of a break but i'm easing myself back into it you know but you're easing myself back you're it's you're so good you guys thank you listen it's it's yeah go go cry to my music it's oh yeah i was going through a lot of shit in my 20s prepare yourself it's it's some feelings some sad breakup music be in your feels if you guys

want to call into an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and if you're international listener you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com if you want to join our facebook group do it link below also link below to pre-order my book it comes out may 5th and if you want to listen to this episode ad free stitcher premium and then we also have the youtube video version and then itunes all of that fun stuff god all of this stuff that she's doing for you so much stuff really and we have an instagram where i spend a lot of time and effort making edits that like 14 year old girls usually make but i'm enjoying it i love it um and we'll see you guys next time bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa

de monts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso