Don't Blame Me! - S5E22: I Want To Date My Girlfriend’s Husband, Too with Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Adjusting your picker A guy joking about wanting to fuck you then taking it back How to ghost Being forced to eat ass Update from the caller whose boyfriend didn't understand white privilege    Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me inside of our own individual homes and yes you don't welcome to my house you didn't do a fun background i didn't well because we're not on zoom oh that's why you'd think after we had to troubleshoot this like 15 000 times i would know that we're on google hangouts now not sponsored but open to it because apparently facetime doesn't fucking work i mean it's a google youtube we know how reliable they are as well the shade the tea um so we haven't seen i haven't seen the last episode that we recorded at home like the video version but i just know from my self-esteem that i had to wear makeup this time so if you're watching um please just appreciate uh or just give me a

compliment because i can't even say how humbling the last one was i thought i had something to tell you but i don't think i do there's like nothing going on i don't know what i would even tell you i don't know how's your puzzle gate going still can't find the last two pieces and to be fair i haven't looked a ton like i looked but i haven't no that's a lie i like crawled on the ground i think i need to i like gave it a couple of days and now i think i'm gonna look again and then see if i can find them someone gave me the really smart idea that you put like a stocking do what is this the 1950s like a tight like tights like you put one of those over a vacuum and then you suck it up so it doesn't get sucked all the way in but especially

because like you know the rug in our in our dining room is kind of like it's like a pattern but it's shaggy and there's like lots of different textures so i feel like it's harder and beige so like it's really hard to see the puzzle pieces um so i think i'm gonna do that but i did just get an email that my order for my other puzzles officially shipped amazing well should we get into the episode oh i should say the phone number oh yeah i should like explain the whole thing what even what even is this show guys this is an advice podcast if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com hi megan melissa and potential guest um i am 25

years old and um i'm a therapist who loves your podcast um and i have a question about dating so i am so just to get these out of the way i'm in therapy too i am bisexual i'm an aries and all that good stuff so now you know the basics um essentially my picker is off like in dating um i just kind of got off of a year-long staying situation ship if you will with this guy that i like he was the first person I fell in love with since like my abusive ex from years ago I kind of took a hiatus off dating for a while because I was like deep in the closet about being bi and like so traumatized by men and all this stuff so I was just like I just took time off and didn't even date like just did nothing um and then I kind of got back into the game with this guy um it was

like a really cute whirlwind romance meet cute the whole deal um but typical fuck boy I think he loved me back but didn't want to commit yada yada um wasn't ready for a relationship it's also 25 so I'm just like kind of reflecting I just went back to therapy and I'm just kind of reflecting on my dating history and I'm noticing that like I tend to go for and I know we all go for like people who are familiar to us who like you know we're always trying to replay dynamics that we thought growing up etc but um I feel like I'm always going after people who are like I guess I really love confidence and I really love cockiness and I really love um people who are super sure of themselves but what that keeps getting me into is like

like, dating people who are narcissistic and people who are, like, always trying to push my buttons, which is a dynamic I had with my stepfather growing up. Like, just someone I'm so used to, like, love being shown to me through, like, people teasing me. And, like, I'm so well-loved in every other area of my life. And I feel like it's such, like, a barrier, this whole romantic relationship thing. And I'm super busy right now shooting from Connecticut to New York City. So, like, you know, I don't have time to date.

But I would like to kind of figure out how to make my picker not be off anymore. So I'd love any advice you have on, like, kind of adjusting your taste in people. So I don't know if you can help with that. I'm sure if anyone can, you guys can. Thank you so much. Love the podcast. Bye. I don't know if you can.

I'm sure we can. i'm like ma'am i feel like i'm unqualified to give you advice you're a therapist right right that sounds like a therapist is coming to us for advice like that makes me feel really good i mean i very much relate to this not like the stepfather aspect of it but like this when i talk about my own experience with my picker being off and taking a break the the main trait and quality that i am attracted to is confidence but it's cockiness like i like pretentious assholes who are cocky as shit and that was like my biggest issue and the thing that i found is that it's not necessarily adjusting your picker it's just getting a better filtration

like filtering system because that's not a bad trait there's there's the twofold of confidence versus cockiness and i think like if immediately right off the bat so like the whole thing about like you you do you're attracted to people and you date people who are familiar to you and you have those familiar relationships and so my therapist was saying that when clients tell her or anyone says i just met this person and i feel like i've known them my whole life she's like terrible sign red flag run for the hills because naturally even if you don't automatically think like wow we just immediately click we have so much in common like you're always going to be attracted to what's familiar to you and what you're attracted to it just might not be so like

surface level and just right there obvious for you so i would say with like confidence i think you can seek out someone who's confident and just figure out like maybe it's not even necessarily going for someone who's confident just don't go out of your way to date someone who's insecure because you don't want to date someone who's insecure and i think you'll find someone who's confident but confident in a quiet way and not that like fuck boy loud way so if it's that that automatic attraction that you're super into because i don't think it's giving up those character traits it's just replacing it's the mature version confidence is the mature version of cockiness and like matz is definitely confident and like dare i say he can

totally be cocky but that wasn't my initial reaction or my initial uh impression of him versus every other guy I've dated that's like the first thing I'm like oh I love how like confident and that self-assured he is and that if I'm knowing that right off the bat of meeting you it's cockiness like no one who is who's genuinely so confident that isn't cocky is it they're not portraying it as like the first layer of their personality if it comes forward that hard I would say it's cockiness so that'd be my first thing what do you yeah yeah for me it's like I would like for a long time I was dating a lot of guys that were like foreign and didn't live here and I was like I was like oh I just love international guys and the problem the thing is is like

yeah but it was because i was i had my own commitment issues and they weren't i knew that they weren't going to be sticking around for a long time so it's like looking at what those specific qualities are and figuring out why you're attracted to what it is yeah and that there's like that can be like you just want someone who's independent but there's the the way of like oh how do I go about this and I don't want to call it like the easiest way but it does kind of feel like the easiest way like if it's like oh this is something that it's familiar and attainable to me and I think yeah you run the risk of especially if you're trying to change your picker because I think like I think at the end of the day unless you're going back to like abusive people this

there's not that many character traits in the world like they overlap like people have so many similar similar character traits but they they take form in different ways in different people and i think it's i think it's trusting yourself to know that you're attracted to what you're attracted to and it's trust that deeper if you meet someone they don't automatically to you seem like the most like confident self-assured kind of like like loud like that loud confidence which is cockiness if they don't seem like that know that like oh if i'm attracted to you and i'm not worrying oh he seems really insecure that there's this middle ground that once i get to know you i'll have that sort of feeling um and so i would say from there i would also go and try and

date people in different like social circles like I wouldn't date like if we're gonna be stereotypical like if you've had issues dating like athletes or like frat boys or that sort of stuff steer away from that if someone's and maybe you can take we don't have to focus so much on like the confidence cockiness and you can go into like oh okay are they more or less like my ex in a sense that like they have different hobbies different extracurriculars like they've got a different home life the way like their sense of humor is different and everything like that because i think that there's a happy medium but it's just gonna be it's harder just like the same thing with you're saying with like the dating someone who because like i loved an unattainable

like unattainable crushes were my shit because i never had to fucking act on them that was moths yeah yeah moths and i for a year and a half i was like unattainable crash and then he was like quitting my job want to go out and i was like what fuck i don't know if i like you and i was like petrified but i was like the i was the epitome of that and i think it becomes we go for what's we we go for the people and the situations that we know the outcome because we've been through it before and i don't think you need to take a complete like like pivot like a complete 180 but if you take a couple of steps with somebody else who you're like i don't know like let's see and you just kind of let it play out i think you'll be pleasantly surprised but again i just

would instead of seeking guys who are cocky i would just seek guys just don't seek people who are insecure yeah which sounds dumb but and maybe like open yourself up to people that you may not like you find attractive but they may not have like the initial qualities that you find attractive and take time to get to know them and you know just because somebody doesn't initially come off as arrogant they can still be very confident in their everyday life yeah maybe it's coming up with a list of the other traits that you like and the other traits that you're attracted to and ignoring confidence to start with like completely ignoring that because i think you're right i think there's a it's like a quiet confidence that you'll find once you get to know somebody

and so focus on the fine like come up with five other personality traits that you are attracted to and i would then focus on those so if you're on dating apps i would just focus on those five things and like obviously like for what you're attracted to but don't let like the physical attraction if that if that person's physical attraction doesn't match these other personality traits that you want cut them off like cut them the fuck off cut them off and and right now is a good time to like practice that because now i'm guessing you're not commuting to new york city uh every day so um take that time to like that you would have been commuting and uh figure out like what is it that you actually want and then like if you're going on dating apps you know this

is a good time just to start talking to people and getting to know them as as opposed to like going on dates yeah no i think this would be like i think you can crush like a zoom date or like a facetime date i think it'll be like a great time yeah but wow i love when therapists listen to our show me too and then ask us for advice yeah it's like who else better am i you but i mean it's i also think she goes to therapy too so i don't all therapy i think all therapists go to therapy i wouldn't trust a therapist who was like yeah i don't know but it's just like she's going coming to us instead of asking her therapist that makes me happy uh well i wonder if her therapist had like the very like you know therapist kind of response so i'm 26 and me and

this guy work together. And so we were flirting around. There was a lot of sexual tension and we ended up hooking up. But we had always been very flirtatious. And it wasn't like flirtatious, like, and flirting, it was very insinuating, and calling me Nate, as in, like, Corazon, which is, like, my heart in Spanish, and, like, giving me cute little nicknames like that, and telling me that he wanted to do stuff to me on text, and so we ended up hooking up and then afterwards he just like still continued to do that saying that he wanted to fuck me but then he would go back on it and be like no uh i don't want to i just want to be friends with you like i just kid around like that with my friends and i'm like you joke around that

you want to fuck with just any of your friends like they were texting basically and he wants to act like nothing is gonna happen like he makes it very obvious that he likes me him all our co-workers like know that he likes me no one knows that we hooked up but if I start talking about a guy or or anything that I'm gonna do he gets very jealous and everyone knows it and he gets very mad so I don't know what I should do like should I just give this up or should I try to continue to talk to him eventually like I don't know what to do like do you think that he's just scared of commitment because I feel like I'm scared to commit to him too but I would just like want it as a

fuck buddy situation I would not want it as anything else so if you can help me thanks bye what we have here is a classic case of the fuck boy yeah and you recognize it but you you're still

he's playing he's still playing you like you're allowing him to still play you yeah he you he got what he wanted from you and now he's just keeping you on the back burner um like fuck buddies shouldn't be this hard no and they only fucked once yeah like that's the thing that i think like i don't i wouldn't even call this guy like your friend like at all because

i don't even think i think if you fuck your friend and like you've got great if in the words of love island you got great bantha and you you work together and the sex is good and you enjoy yourself and like you you are also friends you don't just fuck once like you either then start dating or you become fuck buddies and like it's so clear that and also it's not that you're i because i feel like the response would be well maybe i'm maybe i'm appearing too closed off like if he wanted to like if he wanted to date you he would date you and if he wanted to continue fucking you he would he would make that clear like all of these like actions and talking this big game is like is just to me just so slimy and I don't think you're the only girl he's doing this to

at all and even if it seems like he's flirting and he likes you and your co-workers are like oh oh my gosh like there's no follow-through like there is no it's just a weak it's a weak move and I think if he was afraid of commitment there would have been a conversation about like about that or and also fuck buddies isn't a commitment so if he was afraid of commitment it just doesn't still want to be fucking you yeah and he would and it or if he had like serious feelings or it was uncomfortable or he felt weird about it he would completely stop with the sexting you and stuff like that and if he's saying like oh i just do this to all my friends believe him when he says that like i don't think that he's meaning he's doing it to like his buddy like jared and billy

maybe he is me i mean here you know what i'm here to empower i'm not here to empower him i mean sure he can we can empower him but like yeah we're here for you but yeah like when he says that he's doing that believe him that's him telling you i'm in the words of black china texting other bitches like it's like oh you still texting other bitches like he he's telling you explicitly that that's what he's doing and this is just like how he is and he's doing that to set your ex so to to like so if at any point you think he's leading you on he can turn around and be like no I told you that this is just what I do he told you exactly who he was he showed you now you just need to believe it yeah he's essentially telling you you're not special and like this is not like

oh don't get I'm doing this with everybody else like this isn't you it takes two people to text and so like you just need to stop responding to him and um i know it's awkward because you guys work together but you've gotta like you need to set boundaries for yourself because you're not respecting yourself right now so if you don't want to be with i mean if he doesn't want to be with you then you know just move on you've got to just have a professional relationship with him yeah and it's also just weird to like sure i get like flirting at work but like the sexting and like i want to fuck you stuff and all of that like is just so appropriate yeah like even if you think of him as your friend he's not treating you like a friend like he's not he's not at all and i don't

and regardless of like what the culture is at your workplace like that's not cool and okay and like you're into him and attracted to him and so I think it's feeling more okay because like you're into it so it's a consensual text relationship because you're also participating but I think just recognizing in yourself that oh if he actually cared about me and like wanted to date me he would and if he wanted to be fuck buddies with me he would like you don't need to tell him like hey like like let's not have any commitment like let's just like fucking stay friends like he knows that do you know what I mean like it's not like he's waiting for your permission and he's this like respectful guy like no he's like still sending you these like dirty messages and

then be like well I send this to everybody like don't flatter yourself essentially and I don't think yeah I think honestly if I'm gonna be like very harsh blunt advice I would think that his bench is just full that he has his big bench of girls that he's hooking up with during the week and weekend is full and you are the work wife and you're on rotation so if one of them falls off he's gonna sub you in and you're saying like everybody at your job is saying that you guys like that he's into you and he's flirting with you that's just like distracting people from doing their job oh yeah and also i would just do your best to tune that out because that is just it's just entertainment for your co-workers and i don't and it's kind of like the bachelor when like

everybody in the house is talking about how much they like the guy or like oh my god or like the producer like you'd be so cute with them that that can get in your head and also make you think that you're more into him or he's more into you than you actually are in the situation because you're just talking about it so much that it becomes an all-encompassing thing and then when you also backtracked on the call when you're like yeah but i would just be down to be fuck buddies it doesn't seem like you like him that much it just kind of seems that like this is like the center hot point of like gossip and everybody's talking about it and i don't think it needs to be that because i don't think you really care that much either yeah if that makes sense if i'm reading it right but

say boy bye information that we have yeah i say say boy bye he's a yeah he's a fuck boy and no guy needs like no guy who's like continues to sext you it's like i'll continue to sext you but i need you to tell me that you want to be fucked buddies because like he's actually being like i want to fuck you and then it's like oh never mind we're just friends yeah no move on move on maybe he's got a girlfriend that too hello megan and melissa and possible guests are probably not a guest because of coronavirus anyways this question is for both megan and melissa since you two are professional ghosters and i need to learn how to ghost someone especially She's been, I'm a little too nice sometimes, keyword sometimes, but like, so there's this

girl, I met her at a treatment center when I was 14, I'm 22 right now, by the way, she's the same age as well. And she, I felt like at the time, like we didn't even talk. And also I felt like she was there for all the wrong reasons. Cause she would like constantly like try to trigger everyone's like, whatever they're And therefore, like, I was in there for self-harm and eating disorders. And she would always kind of end up, like, constantly triggered that, including everyone else's, to the point where she had to get kicked out to a different group therapy thing. And, like, 10 years, a couple years later now, she was like, hi, I miss you so much.

And I'm just like, like, I had to respond because I didn't want to be mean or anything. I'm just like, hi, how are you, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff. And she's always, like, saying to hang out, but I don't want to hang out with her because, one, I hate people and I don't like leaving my house, especially now since I'm in isolation, so it's perfect. But, like, she's – even, like, now, like, she keeps, like, saying, let's hang out, let's hang out, let's hang out. And I'm just, like, one, I'm super busy being an adult working an 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. job and having to take care of my nephew as well because my sister is trying to be, like, a badass mom. and she like she's like like I always feel bad whenever I try to ignore her and she's like one of those people you kind of feel sorry for because like I don't know like I feel like there is something mentally wrong with her but and she's just like also like not getting the clues that I

don't want to be her friend like i just like messaged her because i feel bad for her and i don't know like i always like i even like ignore her messages and she like keep messaging me like 10 times like send me 10 messages i'm like this is unnecessary so i'm just like how do i like approach this girl or should i just block her because like i don't know like i don't know how to be mean or how to ghost people so yeah thanks be safe well you came to the right place i'm very good at being mean and ghosting me i know but like in this situation i think you have to be a little more delicate oh i a hundred percent i a hundred hundred percent agree and i i i haven't been in the same situation but i had uh i would say two

friendships that ended that were that needed to be like true that yeah that was me ending friendships that needed to be treated more delicately because of yeah when you when you know someone really well and you know like their like mental health battles or struggles or any sort of thing like that like you do want to be cognizant of that but that's not a re like no matter what anyone's mental health disorders or anything like that no one wants to be a pity friend and that's what I always have to tell myself that it was like here's the thing like I'm preventing like the time and energy that they're spending trying to pursue a friendship or invest in the friendship that we have I'm not giving them back that same level of friendship

and I'm withholding someone from their life who could give who could fill that spot and they could have a mutual friendship and relationship with because i think like yes ghosting gets a bad like name for being mean but i also think that sometimes it's like sometimes you don't you you don't feel comfortable telling the person that's why and it's not that like oh i hate you and i don't want to be your friend anymore it's just we're not the same level of friendship and i want you to have that with somebody else and i know that person's not me so i'm gonna remove myself from your life yeah and and again we always say that we ghost because that's what we would prefer people do to us and i and usually when i'm ghosting 99 of the time it's because that person

is toxic and i know that they're going to use whatever ever tactics they can to keep me around and they're going to say what i want to hear um and so and i know that going into it so i know that i need to just cut them off cold turkey yeah because they're they're it's usually people that are manipulative yeah and it's they're not going regardless of what you say it's not going to be like a conversation it's just gonna they're not going to hear you so i think that you need to analyze and kind of address what you think that she will respond to and i don't know because you have such like a long standing relationship with her i would assume she's never uh like apologized for her actions back then which i think i would if i were you and i think that's what you're

you're feeling is like that's kind of a red flag and not someone that you don't have room for you you're living your adult life you don't really have room or desire to make new friends let alone this person who had kind of really left a sour taste in your mouth i don't think that there's any reason why you need to remain her friend at all but the times that i have like and i wouldn't even say that i ghosted the people who i treated in more delicate situations i kind of just i concluded it and it that was all there was to it so it's whether it's like sending a message of being like just being really up front and saying texting her back and i would do it not as a response to one of hers I would just I would like maybe respond a couple of times and then like

pay attention to when she texts you and then wake up early or like text a few hours before so the text is coming from you it's not a response to something that she's saying and just say hey I want to be super upfront and honest with you because that's what I would want in return and i would want someone to do for me um it's it was so nostalgic to have you reach out i'm at a place in my life right now where i am super busy i've got all of this stuff going on i'm working 12 hours a day yeah i take care of my nephew and i'm just like not at the mental capacity right now where i can have somebody else in my life yeah and like have new friends and i don't like and maybe you harbor resentment towards her maybe you don't if you don't I would say I don't harbor any

sort of ill feelings to you at all I just I know that I'm not capable of being like a friend to anyone right now like any more people that I already have in my life and I would I really want that for you so like I would like I I just want to let you know that that's that's where I'm at and I don't want you to essentially like waste your time on investing in a friendship with me right now because I'm just kind of like I'm at capacity and then from there I would just be done and have that be the only text that you send and obviously you know her better than us but if her response is something like okay good like thank you so much for letting me know and you then you can respond to that if you want and say like no problem like was great to hear from

you but if it's like keep it short and honest um and once and if she's like asking questions that are going to lead you on then like to continue the conversation then you just have to cut it off after that because at that point you've said everything that you needed to say and it's just going to keep going if you don't cut it off yeah i would say make sure none of your text messages involve questions or need a response like make i'm really like careful when i do stuff like that that I'm not asking for a response for anything and like they don't even necessarily need to respond like it's it's just kind of like it can be just an oh okay thanks like for the heads up or anything like that have it be statement driven um and yeah I I would just and if you have any

like if if you're worried about if she's like not in a great like mental space um and if you have any like mutual people that you know are still in contact with her and you're worried about her you can give them a heads up of saying hey I just recently kind of cut ties with her and I know that she's like going through something right now and I just wanted you to like be like be aware obviously like I want what's best for her and just so the other people are aware so I think like but I think at the end of it I wouldn't even call it yeah I really wouldn't call it ghosting I think there's a nice way to do it but after that don't engage yeah don't engage and just don't respond because it doesn't make you an asshole it's just because like you said like you're not in the market

for new friends and she keeps asking you to hang out and you're essentially just on the fast track of being like here's the thing i'm gonna disappoint you because i don't really want to hang out like that's not really where I'm at and I'd rather tell you that right now than have this go on for a couple months and you think that I hate you and like wonder why I'm avoiding you and all of that stuff and I'm just like letting you know now like it's I'm not I'm not into making new friends right now so I would just yeah say that to her and yeah let it like just like let it be what it is because I think it's also hard or at least I really struggled with feeling like a lot of pressure from other people to maintain friendships with the friends that I had that were like struggling

with like mental health stuff even though I was too and it was kind of one of those things that I was told like no you have to stay friends with them they're going through a lot right now and I was like I'm going through a lot and they're making my life and the stuff I'm going through so much harder why do I have to stay like keep being friends with them like this this doesn't seem fair to me at all and at the end of the day like there's only so much that you can like you can't like give from empty and i think like she'll if she doesn't understand that now hopefully she will like later on down the road but yeah yeah i think i think it doesn't make you a bad right now right now a lot of like acquaintances that I have are coming out the woodworks

and I understand it because everybody is like stuck at home and they can't go out and talk to people but these are people that like I would talk to like once every three months and everybody's just like let's FaceTime like honestly I'm like you I I'm still working and I don't want to like which I appreciate and I understand that like it's a privilege that I'm still able to work right now but like I don't have the mental capacity to be facetiming everybody all day long like I'm I still have obligations that I have to attain to and I just don't my like mentally I'm very like worn out right now and I can't give any more at this time no I think that's I think I think it's valid especially because everybody else is everyone's

handling this time period differently and some people are like this is a great time to like do all that stuff and everyone else i mean i'm one of those people where i'm like no like i like i'm gonna talk to the people i talk to regularly but like yeah that whole thing when people were like i forget who had suggested it was like a boomer um and there was a like a tweet about like every day call somebody who you haven't talked to in at least five years and i'm like fuck there's a reason why i haven't talked to him i don't have enough mental capacity like i'm just trying to keep up with like the few friends i have like don't make me reach back out to these people that like they're not in my life for a fucking reason yeah i get it if you're like you know old and like

you're just trying to be like nostalgic and sweet but like yeah there's no there's no point um but um i'm happy for you for living your best adult life and i feel like this is going to be a really good way for you to ease into the ghosting and maybe who knows in a couple months you'll be like a fully fledged ghoster be so proud only if you want to get ghosted that's the that's like the twofold like you can't become a ghoster and then be upset when you get ghosted i definitely was upset there because he's like i'm nice sometimes yeah that's true that is true yeah i used to i like hated getting i got the first two times i got ghosted i was like very upset and then i got older and then i was like oh no i would i'm i'm i'm glad i got ghosted

i wouldn't have wanted you to tell me that you wanted to bring up with me and i also like i'm now just gonna ghost people like i like i was like no that's so mean then i was like oh no those conversations just are i would not i don't need them yeah i don't need them i don't need to me is there well is it it's time for a break now right okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back well guys we are back from our break and we're gonna hop into the rest the calls so I'm 21 and I basically have this problem where okay so I'm dating this girl and she's 25 and or she is um actually married to this guy who is also 25 and um but he knows about us and everything like he's cool like everything's good we're yeah thriving and um so basically

they keep like insinuating to me that they want a girlfriend for them and their husband and like I was kind of like oh okay like cool that's really dope like for sure like you know I don't feel weird about that at all like there was another person involved and so basically the problem with this is like at first I didn't really think that that's something I would want but now it's something that I really do want because like I was just scrolling through their instagrams and like he's just like such a great person and like he's so fucking hot and like fuck I don't know what to do oh sorry I don't know if I can say fuck so because I don't know how to bring that up and also like even though they keep insinuating it I don't know if they actually want me to like

date both of them because like this is like I'm the first person they've dated since they've been open and like I don't know I feel so weird about it I don't know how to bring it up I want it to happen um yeah so do I do it or do I like not I don't know also if it matters I'm an Aquarius she's a Scorpio and he's a Leo I know that we're like the worst for Scorpios Leos and Aquarius but like maybe that'll make us stronger i don't know let me know all right thanks bye um well actually aquarius's and leo's are sister signs so they get along fabulously well that's melissa and i i actually thought about it and i think i've got i do actually think that like the only sign of like two of my closest friends like you and

marilisa are aquarius's like i don't think i have any other like of my close friend circle no one else repeats no other sign repeats yeah so i would say that but i would say that all of your signs make so much sense in this situation to me like it makes so much sense like your vibe makes sense to me like their vibe makes sense to me um i mean okay i will be the first to admit i've never been in this situation before so everything that i say and you're not you're shaking your head so melissa you haven't been i haven't i haven't but i would love to be with two dudes aquarius but I would say and I've got friends who've been in open relationships I would say maybe if it's if what you're trying to preserve is like awkwardness I would just start by having

a conversation with her and maybe it's just like figuring out and having more of a conversation about what the openness in their relationship entails yeah do you know what i mean like maybe if it's uh oh we're like i'm sleeping with other people he's sleeping with other people just to kind of like i don't know like suss out the situation more and get more information yeah i think that in any relationship period like communication is key but in these type of open relationships then it's like you have to be able to express what you want or people will get confused and feelings will get hurt yeah because we don't know if uh i mean they're married and this is their first time that they've had someone like that they've been in a like such that the

she's been in a relationship since they've been open so i don't know what their like primary partner aspect is is that it's they invite new people in or it's whatever that is or if it's if one of us is sleeping with someone that person needs to be kept really separate so i don't know how much interaction you've had with him or if it's been her saying oh we really want that like we've really kind of talked about this but i think like at the end of it like you're fucking her like you can like you have every right to like she's saying that that's something that she would be into i think that like that's very much opened up the space for you to say it's not like you're just hooking up with her and you're suddenly like yo would also love to just be a part of you like

right just because they're like open doesn't mean that they want a throuple yeah but if she's the one opening that conversation i think you have like every right to say oh i would definitely be interested in that uh-huh and maybe if it's because you said originally you didn't think it's something you would be but you can just and if you express that to her i would just revisit it and just say hey like things have changed now yeah i'd be into it yeah and and you're like physically attracted to him which is a good sign but like you guys might hang out and you might not connect to him on a different level too so yeah and he might not connect with her cautious yeah yeah he might not connect with her so i'd just say be cautious but be truthful to what exactly

you want and go for it yeah I would just have the convert I would just have the conversation sooner rather than later because I think like the daydreaming fantasy aspect of it I think that that's going to get out of control real fast and if this isn't a possibility this isn't even something that crossed your mind until she brought it up and then if this is like if it's not going to happen and if it's just going to be you and her continuing a relationship I think the sooner you know that the better so you can then you know stop scrolling through his instagram and thinking about it and all of that sort of stuff because i think that could also potentially ruin what you guys have going on yeah because you're living in a fantasy right now yeah potential of what could be

and you might be building up something in your head that's not what it ends up being yeah maybe it's and and i would also go into it find out what the the parameters of their open relationship is what they're looking for and then also figure out if if that's if it's not okay not even just like oh i'm okay with that is that what you're looking for too so it's is this the kind of thing that you and it's totally fine to like i mean half the shit that we all try it's you don't know that you like it or you don't know that you're into it until like the situation comes up because you never think of it so i don't think it has to be like oh this is like my ideal dream scenario i've been thinking about for a long time but making sure that it's not you're not settling for an aspect

of it that you're not necessarily super cool with just because that's what they're offering but if you if you're into it fucking go for it yeah agree i'm i'm highly curious about the leo dynamic in this because leos are so prideful we love attention but also tend to be pretty jealous and so do scorpios so i'm a little i'm just curious if that like obviously not everything's about zodiac signs but i could also kind of see it canceling it out with because they're both so extreme signs that like i don't necessarily like as leo don't usually get along well with scorpios but that intensity can sometimes cancel it out for certain aspects of it yeah oh god can you imagine aquarius you're just like laid back oh that's what i mean like you're the perfect sign

for that like somebody like presented something to you at first and you're like you know i'm not into it but then the more you did your research because we do love researching and finding out more information you're like you know what you know this this might be something that's for me it is just such an aquarius vibe like it is the most and i love it it's such a good time okay well should we get on to the next one let's do it i'm 19 and i've been dating my boyfriend now for about three years um he's just been my only boyfriend oh my gosh this is like the most nerve-wracking thing i've ever done okay so basically my boyfriend has recently been wanting to try new things in particular you know he likes having his ass eaten so after the first time i did

it i told him that i didn't really enjoy it kind of it just makes me feel really uncomfortable like i i enjoy sucking his dick but like going that it's just it's a different experience so he'll say like okay and like that i don't have to do it anymore but then he we he keeps wanting me to do it so every time like I see him and we're getting sexual and I'm sucking his dick he just sort of lifts up his legs and pushes my head down there and like in his butt and then like at that moment like there's no really going back you know like it's I just have to commit but I really genuinely do not like it but I feel bad because you know he really does like it and I love him and I don't know if it's just something in 2020 is that

is it normal just something you kind of do because like maybe you know he doesn't like eating me out but he does it because it's pleasurable to me so if I don't like doing that to him do I still do it because it's pleasurable for him I don't know it just always keeps happening and after every time I just feel so gross like I just don't it just makes me so uncomfortable but I don't know how I should handle it if I should bring it up to him again that I just don't like it or if I should just suck it up because I can suck it up it's just not my favorite thing um any advice will be helpful thank you both these last two calls make me want to like it relates heavily to this show Monson I just watched but like I would

essentially be spoiling the entire show if I said which show it is but there's a new show on HBO which both of these calls remind me of the last two ones um i don't know how to like say this in the most like delicate way i can but like him like i don't want to force scenes yeah i'll say it he's forcing you to do something sexually that you don't want to do there's a reason why you feel uncomfortable and it's not because of the there's a part of it sure that's because of the action but that's because you didn't consent to it that feeling that you get every time afterwards like that's such a specific feeling that you can't put your finger on because even have your how you're saying being like oh I can suck it up like it's not my favorite thing to do but that

uncomfortable like really bad feeling gross feeling that you get afterwards is because you didn't consent to it and that he is continuing to force you to do it knowing that you feel uncomfortable seeing that you feel uncomfortable and you feel like you actually and you feel like you have to you feel like you're obligated and you said i don't know if it's something in 2020 that people are just doing probably because like eating ass has been become like this thing that people just talk about that everybody's doing but everybody isn't doing it everybody doesn't love to do it if you don't enjoy doing something you shouldn't be doing it and you shouldn't feel obligated to do it no and if he doesn't enjoy eating you out then he shouldn't eat you out

like and if and that's but and then that's the at the end of the day though like if this is a deal breaker for him then you guys shouldn't be dating like then he but the idea that like this is something that she's not comfortable with and i'm going to force her to do it is sexual assault and like yes it's not okay and it doesn't matter how much you enjoy something because at the end of the day like when we talk about like enjoying giving blowjobs and all of that sort of stuff like yes you're enjoying it because like you're giving someone else pleasure but like also like there's that confidence boost like you like you you wouldn't you enjoy that like but the idea that like you just need to suck it up is not no like it's not a thing and also

like whatever he's into and whatever you're into that's fine that's totally fine but like you cannot force your partner to do it non-consensually like that's just like yeah any and that it just becomes null at that point and you've expressed to him over and over again that you're not comfortable and you don't like it and he doesn't care and that's like so incredibly worrisome and such a red flag and i don't know if you've really put two and two together of the fact that you're not consenting to this and that's not that's not how consensual sex in a relationship goes like once you're in a relationship you continue you have to continue to consent all the time like that's not just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that that's consent

for every time that you have sex and it's so incredibly disrespectful for him to not only do that in the moment but then also ignore you when you're verbalizing it and saying all of that like i think that is just it's just fucked up like it's so incredibly fucked up and i don't again like i think that that it's incredibly it's super super sad that some men don't understand that and don't understand i mean where i'm not even getting into in like the the men understanding or anyone in understanding consent in general but the the aspect of relationships in like consent in relationships and i think i would just urge you to do some more reading about consent in relationships and see if any other things that are happening in your relationship if any of it

kind of rings true with you um i would talk to a friend about it i don't know if you see a therapist talk to a therapist about it and then approach a conversation in your relationship maybe it's in a couple therapy session but if you've expressed to him over and over again that like and also i mean i'm gonna be super straightforward my automatic advice would be like dump him he's a piece of shit like he's forcing you like and i'm like that just that's how i feel but like this is your relationship and i don't know i don't know if that is like helpful or constructive for you at all because i don't i don't want to give you advice that you're like oh i'm not going to dump him so i'm just going to

keep sticking with this so if you're going to stay in this relationship and try and stay in the relationship and work on this then you he needs you guys need to go to therapy and he needs to understand what consent is and figure that shit out and i don't i'm not like trying to be like a doomsday like not thinking that that's going to like work out but i don't know again my advice is to dump him because he's forcing he's sexually assaulting you and just because in a relationship doesn't mean that you consent but i don't know also she's 19 she's been in this relationship for three years this is the only relationship that you've been in and i don't want you to think that this is the standard for what a partner should be sex should be mutually beneficial

if you're not enjoying i do blow jobs because i like giving blow jobs if i didn't like giving them i wouldn't do it yeah and somebody shouldn't be forcing something upon you because this relationship has been through such such like formidable years of your life i'm thinking i don't think that you're going to read about consent in relationships and toxic relationships and abusive relationships and manipulative and all this i don't think that this is going to be the only thing that rings true for you i think that there's going to be other aspects and other things that might make you feel this way and I think at the end of the day if you don't feel like that's enough for you go to a therapist sit down and talk with a therapist with him

and get whatever information you can get to understand and know that this is not a prerequisite of a relationship at all and I think it's incredibly incredibly sad and there's an episode even just say the HBO show I was talking about there's a show on HBO called Mrs. Fletcher and there is a towards the end there is uh an episode in which like two consenting adults are hooking up and then something non-consensual happens through through them hooking up and I watching it it was one of those things that it took my brain 10 seconds to realize that it was sexual assault because i was like this is like not that it was like a judgmental thing of like oh this whatever i was just watching it and matz is like oh my god and it took it was

like i was on a lag like it took me a couple seconds to be like oh yeah wait that's not good like but it it happened and it's because it's happened so often and it's like it's something that it becomes ingrained in women and then even sometimes when you talk to your friends and it's kind of like oh yeah that yeah like because it's happened to everyone at a certain point to a certain extent that it was watching it it was like oh wow sometimes you need to see these things that aren't about you that have a third-party perspective someone just objectively looking at the situation with more insight and more experience and being like oh wow okay no that's not normal and because it's the only relationship that you know and the only relationship you've

ever had you have nothing else to compare it to and he knows that and that's the part that i that that stresses me out and worries me is in situations like this if you're being forced to do things that you don't consent to sexually there is no there's no way that there is not manipulation and gaslighting in your relationship as well when you're if you're then probably being told everyone does this like it's really like come on like it's no big deal why are you making such a big deal out of it that it becomes not only like physical it becomes like mental too and it makes you question your own judgment your own reality and your own feelings and that gut instinct and that gut feeling as soon as somebody tries to get in there and redirect that feeling

biggest fucking red flag because they don't want you to trust your own instincts oh and it just makes me like so sad like oh this makes me just so sad and i yeah because like you think of like being young and just think the like the amount of and obviously like totally not to this like this exact situation but the amount of times that like i'd be hooking up with a guy and it'd be like oh like let me try and stick it in your ass and you're like no and it's like that's not something i want no and like and then no matter how many times you can express that and say that it was yeah i i think it's so sad and crazy and wild and i think about even the stories my friends and i talked about about like the guys that we slept with when

we were younger we now re-evaluate it in our 20s and we're like how we talk to each other about these situations when they happened how did we not realize and it was just because it was so saturated in our lives and our friends lives that it was our normal and it was and like it wasn't until like everything all this more i don't want to say more research but like it was just more popular to talk about this kind of stuff that it was like oh wow why why have we been doing this like what like not we like we're not participate like not like victim aspect of it but like why are like we as a society like thinking that this is something that's okay yeah and it's not and i and it's definitely like a very the relationship the consent aspect of relationships

is definitely something that is i don't even want to say stickier because it truly is obvious like the consent doesn't change from like just like hooking up to a committed relationship and i think everyone thinks it does and it doesn't and yeah this one just makes my head like makes me it's icky it's very we've been there we've been there and we understand um and and like time and age have taught us that this is not acceptable and this is not this should not be the norm yeah no and it's it's it's it's wild and i think it's hard because this is yeah it's your only sexual experience but i think even for most of my friends and i i've had more sexual experiences that are non-cons like doing like like there's more of those like experiences where you look

back on it that you're like if i'm gonna go statistically that's more normal in my life and that's not but that's not a thing like that's not something that that doesn't make it okay just because like the treatment of women and all of this like misogyny and all of this fucking shit is ingrained in our culture and society that it happens so much that it feels normal it doesn't make it normal yeah oh i'm very sorry i'm like so sorry too so sorry but i think that i'm really glad that you called because i think that you know that something's wrong yeah you're questioning it and so keep questioning it yeah follow your gut and follow your instincts because you're not wrong yeah also for the record we're never fucking wrong like that like that gut feeling and instinct like

the the worst case she means like as as like as feelings not like melissa and megan oh no no no no i'm wrong all the time i'm not that smart um no i mean like your gut instinct sort of thing and like the only and there's only ever two options either you're spot on and you're correct or it's if it's hysterical it's historical and you're feeling that because it's happened to you before and therefore you are also not incorrect so like anyone who tries to get you to like go against that gut instinct uh so it's time for an update yes so this is from um the episode with becca martinez and the original caller she her boyfriend uh was a is a trump supporter um and also talked degradingly about her being like bisexual and latina so this is her updating us and he

didn't believe white privilege was a thing yeah hey megan and melissa i'm calling back for an update um I was the girl who called in about her um white boyfriend in the most recent episode with Becca um so I guess I should backtrack a little bit when I made that call it was definitely like late at night and I didn't I hadn't processed it all the way um I definitely agreed with most of what you guys said and I think my issue was I wasn't really vocalizing that to kind of what she's kind of to what you said how like um I just kind of pushed my feelings aside and I think I did and I mean when we had that conversation it was really just one time before that he tried to bring up politics and I just kind of shot it down and I think it was because I was mostly afraid of what

he would say because of his background um also no I did just say that he was in military just because I was kind of trying to like give you more of an idea about like why that age difference was there sort of thing but he's not in the military now sorry anyways and so really um so I mean after I mean that phone call to you guys I sat on it and thought about some more and sat down and I kind of laid it out like all on the table like what I was feeling sort of that kind of thing and i kind of did bring up like if this isn't something that like we can really agree with because i brought up not exactly what you said but just happened to be what you said about um like the moral thing at this point and um i think it was most more like when i call it i

really just kind of misunderstood not misunderstood that's stupid that's a gaslighting thing but more i didn't have all the details so and when i like called him out on saying i called him he would vote for trump anyways it like became a thing we are we are going like actively to a couple of therapists and stuff but um i'm here to report that we're still together because he kind of is he is learning more like upon himself and he's taking the time to become more educated about it and stuff and he will no longer be voting for trump i don't know if that's something he said to placate me but i really don't or placate sorry i really don't think so just mainly because of his actions that he's taken forward and he's become more vocal about it especially to his other

white redneck brothers um which is a really big change in between when I called then and now so um I don't know I think we're in a good spot especially with the couples therapist and stuff but I guess we'll see where it goes from here but thanks for all of your advice I really appreciated it um i mean i'm really happy that you're happy yeah i'm so happy that you're happy i think um i think you should be cautious um yeah i'm i'm also happy that you're happy but also be cautious that he's not just saying what you want to hear um also it seems like you're after you heard what you said and heard what we said that now you're trying to justify his actions yeah you really came in with like the defending him

and backtracking on your call like and not even just our advice and what we said but like you like in the call you had said that every time he brings up you're saying please i don't want to talk about this and he keeps like insisting to bring it up and like making you talk about it all the time and then even like the got to like whatever was it arbor day columbia columbus day not arbor day that's trees and then in this you're saying that it was only one time one time and you shut him down because you were afraid of what he was gonna say yeah that like you put the blame on you for that and i know you corrected yourself later in this when you were saying like oh that sounds like gaslighting but like also so is saying like i didn't have all the details like

who i just yeah i i would just like you said i would be cautious i think it's great that you're happy i think it's great that you're in therapy i would urge you maybe going to single therapy yeah yeah and also like go to couples therapy and this is like not advice i would really give anybody else um because like i think of you go to therapy as a unit go to therapy go to couples therapy as an individual don't go to couples therapy as like we are this unit you are helping us as a unit because i think that like everybody's going to be on their best behavior as opposed to being true to what they actually feel and sharing their individual opinions and you're coming to it with

you're like i'm gonna keep what he's saying in mind but that's not how couples therapy works no you need to be because at the end of it's not just your own individual shit plays into your relationship and that's what this is your playlist might get you through the work day but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply is this isn't like a oh i mean you might have like issues in

your relationship that just relate to you but these are moral issues that are fun you guys have fundamental issues with that that like you would have with anyone regardless if they're your partner or not and so you need to approach therapy like that where it's like these are my issues with him not hey our issue is we don't agree on politics it's hi i am i don't agree with his standpoint on this and i would separate yourself as a unit in therapy that way because yeah the backtracking and then the defending him and kind of protecting him sort of thing i also just want say that like the i think it's great he's no longer voting for trump um and that's what he says and that's great yeah but i mean like actually he's voting for biden it's not like he was like

you know what elizabeth warren has changed my mind like i i i mean i just think that like we don't know if he's voting for biden either he might not even vote he might just not vote oh well if he's not voting then if he's not voting as a former trump supporter then he's just still voting for trump voting for trump that's what i that's what i kind of think is like he's like i'm not gonna vote for him but he didn't say that he was gonna vote for biden you're so right you're so right no and i think that ties back to your original point of he's just kind of like going along with emotions and saying what's going to make you happy and like what's going to kind of make this go away and i if i was going to assume that he was going to try

and get out of therapy as quickly as possible and if i was also going to assume that and this is me just being an asshole and assuming and i'll own it i'm an ass for assuming but i would also assume that he leads he leads the conversation in therapy or there's a lot of talk beforehand with you and him about what you're going to talk about in therapy i would also maybe assume if he found your therapist your therapist is an old white man and that that the kinds of things that you talk about in therapy he if he's changed his tune complete 180 don't buy that like that's just it's so fast from where from when from your initial call to now and this is like a recent fucking episode yeah and just to have him again like completely just change everything

that's sus as fuck like even in like therapy you can like i will arbitrarily like think i'm fucking right and i will be like and my therapist will think i'm right but like mott doesn't immediately go okay you're right all right like like you have to take things and process them yeah and it takes a while and it's like a learning curve it's not a sudden total shift and i would be very wary of that and also just and if it is a sudden that means that he can easily be talked into anything oh yeah oh yeah and then that means that he doesn't stand for shit like that he's just regurgitating something else other people have told him yeah i just think i would i would re-listen to the call if i were you and i also just hate that you were like oh i called after i had a few

drinks like all of that to me sounds like that sounds like gaslighting and that sounds like the shit that he's told you and that like oh you're like and watch katie morton's video on gaslighting i think it's so incredibly helpful because gaslighting is very confusing but some of the things of uh oh you and like narcissism too is she has another video about that like oh you must have misheard me but it's not said in a mean way but it's saying oh you must have misheard me no that's not what I said it's okay that's not what I said though like oh you you probably were busy and like you were like I mean you had had a little too much like it doesn't feel icky and it doesn't feel manipulative and it feels like this reassuring I'm looking out for you sort of thing like don't

worry I got you I'm I'm doing you a favor I'm excusing you and that's what that also that just sounds like to me because also like we've had drunk people call into this podcast and like ma'am you are so fucking coherent you had all of your shit to get like you had all of these points that you were making and like you made perfect sense you didn't write like it just for us who listened to the call the first time these these excuses or whatever yeah and you had details that's also what i don't get like what details didn't you have that you're saying that you didn't you didn't have all of the details but like yeah you gave multiple examples it wasn't something that just came up and you shot down these were on multiple fronts i'm sorry this

goes for anybody that calls in i think that everybody should sit down and write out exactly what you're gonna say um just because you can see it in writing does this make sense is it coherent and you might come up with some answers yourself before you even call in yeah no i think that's i mean we we always praise we call them our virgos who write and read and i think not only does it help us give you the best advice because it's the most detailed it's great for the listener and if you're also if you're calling in you're also a listener so those are the calls if you don't even know that if you're like wow i liked that call so much it was like it made so much sense those are the people who are reading after they've written down and then also like you said i think

you'll be able to get the most out of our advice if you write it down and you'll be like oh okay this is unimportant i don't need to include this oh this makes me think of this oh this this this this i think it'll tie it all up nice about that's it for our episode right yeah that's it okay guys if you want to call in for an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com just record it on your phone send an audio file we've gotten some messages of people on like instagram be like is this where i send the audio messages to and i'm like so you know there are audio messages email email them record them voice notes on your phone very simple very easy honestly all the information that you

need is in the show notes just look down yeah just look down just look down um if you want to follow us on our personal instagrams check it out linked as well as uh don't blah meme pod and our website you can listen ad free on stitcher video versions over on youtube pre-order my book comes out may 5th very soon also pre-order the audio book if you would like that which i did read and melissa directed so it's very much this vibe and um if you are international and trying to figure out how to get the book just google you're not special megan rinks and the country where you are located so it'll show up that way but i can't have all of the links people are like well how do i get in canada and then i have to switch to amazon canada and then send them the

canada link because i'm just doing all of the u.s ones but um hope you guys enjoyed this episode hope you're all staying safe staying inside and um no dick is worth other people's lives so stay the fuck inside and fuck your vibrator or a fleshlight or whatever you want to fuck couch cushions fuck whatever you want a hand a hand pregnant yeah impregnate that fucking hand make that hand a baby uh and we'll see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso whatever struggles you're facing from depression and anxiety to trauma and grief better health can

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