Don't Blame Me! - S5E23: Overly Sensitive Button with Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Someone flirting with your boyfriend Hating your boyfriend's brother's girlfriend Best friends having sex next to you when you were passed out Breaking up with someone Don't Blame Them - Insight on unattractive therapist   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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it yet i haven't either did you actually watch too hard to handle no okay because apparently there's some girl that i look like or who let's say she looks like me um and i don't really see it but it was like i could see it enough that like i knew when someone said i look like one of the girls on there i looked at all the girls on there and i could figure out which one it would be but like are you getting it from a lot of people or like one person like four that's a good deal people yeah i mean it's not like you where i couldn't open my dms for a fucking like two weeks hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me at home edition yeah we're jimmy fallon now we're calling it at home that's what all of them say that's what all

of them are saying when in reality ours is like okay so as opposed to sitting on a couch together we're sitting separately separately yeah separate together if you're watching the youtube version this is the debut of my natural hair and melissa's one of my number one you're one of my number one pioneers of this so like i knew that if all else failed i would you would be happy with it jocelyn would be happy with it and my dad would be happy i was very sad when you gave jocelyn a shout out in your instagram post and not me well only because i followed her like video and that in my vlog i said that but you can have a shout out too i don't want your pity shot okay fine then you won't get one uh if you guys are new here it's an advice podcast if you want to call in

for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310 i almost said my actual fucking phone number like i almost just did that uh 310-694-0976 and if you're an international listener and you want to call in for advice you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com what else is there any any uh how there's no housekeeping news because we're stuck inside our separate houses hi Megan and Melissa I love you both so much oh and hi possible guest I'm 20 I live in Canada and I have a dilemma so I've been with my boyfriend for four years and I love him a lot he really struggled to find a good group of friends and people to hang out with in the beginning of university but he has a good group of friends now and they've been hanging out for

about two years and they all met at work I'm so happy that he's made real friendships but my issue is with one girl in the group I tend to have like I tend to be a little jealous but I always bring myself back to like reality in the end although this one girl just bothers the hell out of me it's partially because she's very flirty she's pretty desperate to find a guy or like guys to sleep with and she makes that really clear and discusses it openly when she drinks I've noticed her getting my boyfriend looks and flirting and laughing when he literally doesn't even make a joke and he is of course just oblivious so I brought it up to him multiple times after the fact and he has always been confident in our relationship and their friendship. He has made

it very clear that he is faithful to me and I believe him when he says that but I don't go to all of the parties with him and I just really have bad feelings surrounding her. She talks about guys blocking her and then laughs like she did something wrong and a lot of people have had really bad friendships with her in the past. Overall, I just try to get along with her at parties and hang out with the people I actually like, but she still bothers me so much. Do you have any advice on how I can fix this issue more in the long term? I really love that my boyfriend has a good group of friends and I would never want him to stop seeing or hanging out with them, but he can't just kick her out and avoid her specifically because then it'll be awkward and probably cause

drama or do you have advice on how to deal with someone in your life that you dislike for the benefit of someone you love uh either way thanks so much i love you guys oh my god i i i i understand i understand her yeah i understand her i do you want me to go first because no matter what you say after me i'm gonna sound like a cunt i know that i'm gonna sound like a cunt too so well i think we're gonna sound like different cunts okay so my cunt approach i would just take this girl for what she is your gut instinct is right you don't trust her and like yes it's great that you trust your boyfriend and that's fantastic and we're all about women supporting women here but like also some women fucking suck some men fucking suck

some women fucking suck some non-binary people fucking suck like it's just a fact of life and so you can hate this bitch like you're in totally entitled to dislike her and i would go with your gut instinct that like you think that she's like a shiesty bitch and you don't like how she flirts with your boyfriend and then my response would be like what okay what i would do in the situation is i would kind of just be a salty bitch to her like i would still be friendly and nice to her but i have this specific um i have this like specific kind of like mean that i will do that is very quiet and very sneaky and it's not even necessarily mean it's just kind of a power nod sort of thing like i know i have power here and i'm just going to like subtly exert it to you

so just so you know that i'm on to you because that's the thing that i hate is like when someone's being so blatantly like disrespectful and that that is disrespectful of your relationship i i'm not the kind of person who's gonna be like oh okay like i'll let it slide like i will technically let it slide but like i'm gonna hold on to eye contact with you and say something that so you know i know what's going on and i'm choosing to be like oh i'm not threatened by you like i'm great in my relationship i don't need to worry about you but i check and i see what you're doing and i see what you're trying to do like you're not pulling one over me because also that's my biggest type he was when people think that they're like being slick for me and i'm like oh

no i see it so i would just if she says something or flirts with your boyfriend like i would just like grab his ass and like make eye contact with her and just like i would just assert my dominance in that sort of way but i think that there's also something to be said if you want to do the opposite and like become her friend and like be like really like hey like and figure that kind of stuff out fake though well i mean both of them like her i know that's what i think so i'm either like i think you either i those are the two options i see where like you essentially like commit to not liking her and like you can be civil and then not necessarily create drama and also if she's a like a super dramatic person if you're able to like subtly assert your dominance

she might make drama and then she will see herself out do it like but i think that like what are the other two options or what the other me if i'm not i'm not the type of person that's going to be out here flirting with anybody's boyfriend no um but for me if i saw if i was in this girl's situation if i was writing a character like this yeah that i saw that i like was flirty and was trying to bang everybody's man and then i saw this girl being overly confident or trying to assert dominus i would be like oh she's insecure and then i would feed off of yeah no that's true or then it would be like the ultimate win like i'm gonna get your man i i'm under i'm already under her skin there's not i can already manipulate this situation if i wanted to

i can take your man if i want to yeah so um that means that because it shows that you're like you're uh you're threatened by me you know yeah it just also depends on how you do it yeah um but in this situation the only thing that you can control is yourself and how you react um and i is she like flirting with everybody everybody else is like if they if you're in this group of friends is she flirting with everybody's people or is it is she just centering in on your boyfriend yeah because that does make a difference and i will say a weird thing is if you've addressed it with your boyfriend and he said like oh it's no big deal i've done this with before you know we've we've had a discussion about the exact situation where i was like yo

homegirl's fucking into you and he was like what and i was like oh a hundred percent like and i saw it too yeah literally i had like i had told melissa about this person before and then melissa met melissa's like i was like yeah that's that's that's who this is and it made him feel super fucking weird felt really uncomfortable and like he's fully backed away not like fully backed away from that friendship but in the way that he was like oh no i don't want to i don't have any feelings there i don't kind of see that there at all i've never noticed that she flirted with me but like that makes me uncomfortable to know that now so i think your boyfriend just being like oh that's just like how she is if he's not shutting it down or like really reassuring in the situation

i think that's more of a red flag that's yeah that was what i was gonna yeah so she can't control herself but like her boyfriend control him can control himself and if he's if he if now that you have pointed it out and he's not noticing it or like even like letting you know that he notices now i think that's a problem that's true i think my my uh my original advice would only be in the sense that like he's not entertaining it and she's just kind of really continuing to go for it but the problem is though she the caller is worried about when she's not around and then when she's not around then her boyfriend not noticing it and then this is coming on to her that creates a problem yeah i mean not to be dark but i would trust your gut instinct and i do think

it's not a really great sign i think it's great that you're assured in your relationship but as much as as oblivious as guys can be like oh like he didn't he totally had no idea that she was flirting if the behavior between them hasn't changed since you brought that up he knows that she's now she now he has a confirmation from you that oh she this girl's flirting with me my girlfriend doesn't like it and i'm not changing it and i'm just continuing this relationship like and then you've got that nasty gut feeling yeah that's that that's when you get up in a bad situation as much as he can reassure you and your relationship that's just words and also she's not there in that moment so it's only until those moments it's how you conduct yourself when people

aren't watching and i think yeah i also just think in general when you find out someone's like flirting with you or if it's making someone uncomfortable even if she doesn't have like hardcore feelings for you all of my like i say this all like my good friends like i have friends who like can be assholes but like my friends who are like really really like quality not all of my friends are quality but like what's the what's the like my more my friends who can kind of be more like weenie in that sort of way like they wouldn't even if they found out someone was flirting with them like they would be like oh no i feel so bad i don't want them to like invest in me like i really want to remove myself from the situation like it's just weird like the whole

thing is just weird and i don't like this whole excuse of like flirty friends because i i i've definitely been considered i would consider myself a flirty friend but like never ever would i ever do that when someone was in a relationship or like make that or when i was in a relationship like i think you're only ever flirty friends when you want to fuck like i've never been a flirty friend with a dude that like i didn't want to fuck yeah that you could see like one day i could oh my god if we got drunk and we like like i could totally see us hooking up like being a flirty friend is planting the seeds it's like what happens happens like you don't do that with people that you just see platonically yeah like sisters that's a throwback sister yeah i would trust your gut on

this one and uh if there's any use it sounds like she's burned a lot of bridges if there are any other like girlfriends in that group of like who who have like yeah girlfriends of like the other guys in that group or girls who are in that group i would get close to them and kind of talk to them and be friends with them and have other people kind of looking out for you so it wouldn't be if something were to happen those people might be able to reach out to you or you could have someone who could if you don't necessarily trust the situation or the girl or also they might be able to be like oh she does this with everybody yeah that's the unsaid part but i think it's always good to have to have more people that you have relationships with in those kinds of groups

because obviously you want your partner to conduct themselves how they will and not that they like will change how they behave because you're friends with their friends but more along the lines you have more people looking out for you if something else happens but trust your gut and don't no offense to your boyfriend don't trust his words trust his actions right and 100 yeah pay attention you're not being sensitive you're not being crazy and if he tells you like oh she's just like a flirty person then it's like that translates to oh i just like that she flirts with me i like the attention yeah and i like attention too but like not at the expense of my partner's feelings uh should we go on to the next one hi am i getting guests so my boyfriend and i have been together

for four years and his brother and his girlfriend have been together for two. So basically I've hated his brother's girlfriend the minute I met her. She has an attitude and tries so hard to get people to like her which makes her conversation seem fake. She also has major trust issues with her boyfriend. She gets jealous and upset every time we bring up someone attractive like a model around her boyfriend and she's one of those girlfriends who won't ever let him go out with his friends unless she's there with him because she thinks that girls will go after him. The brother is six years older than all of us and she's the same age as me and my boyfriend she always treats me and my boyfriend as if we're kids just because she's dating an older guy when we're

both 22 there's also a bunch of other reasons why i don't like her but to save time she moved into their house with their parents about six months in and has been living off of the boyfriend she never visits her family even though she claims to have this super close relationship with them she has a stable job but i feel like she's just living with her brother to use him for his money she never spends a lot on him last Christmas he got her the new iPhone she literally got him nothing my boyfriend his friends and his brother friends don't like her either along with some of their family members I think that the brother knows my boyfriend doesn't like him but he doesn't seem to care my boyfriend's parents also have told us that they don't like her living there

but they don't want to hurt his brother's feelings so there's nothing about it even though they're literally the head of the household I guess I'm just needing advice on how to deal with it and if I should talk to her about it because no one else has stood up to her or told her that the way she's acting is not okay. Everyone seems to love her to her face but talk bad about her behind her back which only makes her think that what she's doing is okay. I just think the whole relationship is toxic and the brother doesn't even realize it. My brother is and my boyfriend isn't close enough with the brother to where he could tell his concerns so it's just gotten to the point where I feel like it's just better to leave the relationship sometimes because I don't like the

feeling of hating someone especially my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend and I just can't stand her being in my life I don't want to keep this negativity in my head and I feel like it's a bit like this for over two years now so I could definitely use the help um anyways I appreciate all the help that I could get bye this isn't your place yeah that's what I was gonna say it's not your problem no I think it makes a like I totally understand why this would be incredibly frustrating but i also do think that like it might be incredibly frustrating the fact that you're willing to leave your like your relationship over this makes me think that there are other things and this is exasperating it like this is like there's others it's it's exasperating it and

it's giving you an excuse yeah and it's it's making it whatever issues you have either like things are happening faster or you're just getting like fed up and like it's the day-to-day annoyance at this point it's like not your circus not your monkeys and also if everybody else in the family who it's also not their place either to say anything about his relationship like that's his his relationship is his prerogative but like the shit about living with the parents if they're not saying anything they don't they don't want you to say anything do you know what i mean like they're all preserving their relationship like if you if you say this the reason why no one else is bringing this up is because they're preserving the relationship with their son brother whom they love

and your willingness to be like no i'm gonna say something or i'm gonna talk to her i think that kind of just shows that your place yeah you're you're you're you've got one foot out the door in the relationship already so i mean yeah i get someone who's annoying but like i don't i yeah i think this is your excuse to break up with your boyfriend and i get that she's yeah again i get that she's annoying and if she's annoying and condescending you can talk to her about things that directly relate to you exactly like her talking down to you like you're not the same age then you can say hey like girl we're the same age um why are you talking to me like i'm a child i'm not living with my boyfriend's parents yeah uh so like you can talk

about things that directly affect you but like the living situation if they haven't said anything to her that's not on you to say yeah and also you have to know if you're gonna say something you have to deal with the like the repercussions of what that's going to do with your relationship with your boyfriend your boyfriend's brother and the whole family because like yeah it's just i think it's it's dumb in general that everybody's talking bad about behind her back like i think that's fucked up i think like if you don't like someone i think if anything if the parents don't like her they should talk about it with them i don't think they should bring your boyfriend into it and i certainly don't think they should bring you into it and i don't think i just think that's

mean and like i get if you don't like someone and you don't like someone's partner but at the end of the day like she sounds like a super insecure person and it sounds like yeah she might kind of suck but talking bad about her all that does is get you riled up and like i hate this i fucking hate when people do like talk mad shit about someone and and this is where i relate to you and this is that for her i'm sure you're feeling frustrated because everyone's talking all this mad shit and then everyone's being nice to her to her face i hate that i would so much rather be confrontational and just have a conversation and be like hey let's figure this kind of shit out but at the same time the reason why i get so frustrated with that is because it's the talking

shit if we weren't talking shit i would just let that person be annoying and deal and be fine with it but it's like you're getting me riled up and then we're not doing anything so i think that like even excuse yourself from talking shit about her because the like the more brain power and space she takes up in your life that you're just talking about her and all of that shit yeah you're gonna like get more frustrated and more upset with her and if you want to talk to her about like the issues you have with her personally like you said go for it but like do that as you're breaking up with your boyfriend too because i don't think it's gonna be good and like yeah i i just i would just if you if this is i think you just want to end your relationship so just end your relationship

also you don't know if they're talking shit about your back if they're being nice to her face and they're being nice to your face they might be talking shit about you too so if this is your like they're i really really really really think that there's other things going on yeah and if you want to use this as your excuse to go for it use it but like don't just stay in relationship and blame the problems that you're having in your relationship on this other girl yeah i i fully agree with that and i think it's fair that this could have brought to light like a family dynamic that you don't like and that you don't relate to and that can also be okay that you're like oh i don't like the fact that there's someone in this circle who like everyone

clearly hates and we're just going along with it like i don't want to stay in this family essentially like i don't want to be a part of that and i think it's valid but yeah i just i yeah i i think the best thing that you can do is just peacefully peace out and walk away but if you need to use this as an excuse go for it but just don't like don't like throw a fucking bomb as you leave like don't be like everyone hates you everyone's been talking bad about you not accusing you of doing that at all but like i know for me if i had been keeping all that in for so long like i would want to go off but if you do if that happened to me and if you're gonna drop a bomb i'm gonna drop a nuke and be like well they've been talking exactly you're back too

and we're actually glad that you're gone yeah oh my god can you imagine oh that's traumatic as hell yeah well best of luck let us know what happens i would like to know what you uh what you end up doing so i have a very spicy story for you um so a couple weeks ago before all this quarantine shit started i had a sleepover with two of my two of my three best friends and these two people happen to be two gay boys and one of them who we'll call i don't know jackson has had a crush on the other one who we'll call um nick so jackson has a crush on nick but it was you know unrequited love so nothing ever happened and we're all just best friends and we have sleep overs all the time but this one time it was just the three of us and so i kind of felt like i was

the whole time because they're such similar people and so they were just having you know a great time together and i was just kind of there but it's fine because i love them and then we got drunk and it was all fine and then so we eventually um all slept together in the same bed as you you when you're out of sleep over with your best friends and I felt like a rock a bitch was drunk like it was fine and nothing I didn't know that anything happened and then a couple like maybe like a couple weeks later Jackson was at another friend's house and got super super drunk and he facetimed me in the middle of the night he was like I have a confession to make and he's like you're gonna hate me because you told me that nothing could ever happen to us because we're

totally fucking up which I still think is true and then he said that they did oral together in that bed while I was sleeping and then just didn't talk about it and I don't know I just I was like oh it's fine like I'm not mad like that isn't changing it doesn't have to be weird if we don't make it weird but I can't just the feeling of feeling just so like I don't know violated just when I was there and that they did that I just kind of feel like it's kind of an an insult to our friendship, to our friend group, like all of us, that they just, you know, I don't know, we're high schoolers, so we're very horny, and it's just weird to me, I don't know, I just, do I have the right to feel violated, you know, I haven't talked to the other person, and I honestly,

I don't even know if this is necessarily true, because Jackson is not a stranger to lying about sexual experiences, that's a whole different story, so I don't know, I guess I just want your thoughts on this i'm having a horrible time love you bye did she say she's in high school okay yes that makes so much more sense to me yeah i was waiting for that i would you know what i would do if this happened to me what i would be pissed if they didn't wake me up yeah yeah i mean if i'm into it i'm down um i think like i think you have every right to feel weird it out like it's weird as hell like i think it's great you didn't wake up sydney and i the only time no we've been in two maybe three no this wasn't even a real fight but one time when we

were in high school i was like my we were we were at her house and this guy that i was dating who went to a different school like he came over to her house to like hang out and she quote unquote fell asleep on the couch and like we were like hot and heavy making out or whatever and then he finally like leaves and she just rolls over and opens her eyes and she goes i was not asleep and i was like oh my god and she was like you owe me big time and that happened in sophomore year and she held on to that thing that like i was gonna have to repay her like it was just something she held on to i think until our sophomore year like college that like i forget what she like pulled it out for that she's like you owe me but it wasn't like a fight you know kind of thing like

and like it is weird like it's definitely uncomfortable and i think like i don't know you guys are underage so i don't know if there was like any other like things happening that like could have led to like you know lack of in like like like like lack of inhibitions or inhibitions like that they're they they were just more loosey-goosey not thinking through like maybe she said that they were drunk oh she did oh okay i missed that part yeah she was past that's why she was passed out is because she was drunk oh oh my god i've been this we've all been this but i've like been in the not necessarily the same bed but i've been on a bunk bed while a friend i know i started doing this rocking back and forth i thought you were gonna go with

no but i mean that was also too i think it's it's weird i would the whole thing of like oh it's like ruining our friend group i wouldn't say that like i would just like abandon that kind of thing like it's not disrespectful to your friend group to hook up with someone in your friend group i think it's disrespectful to your friend group to treat a friend like shit but i don't think like getting drunk and making out or getting drunk and like hooking up is disrespectful to other people yeah but but i do think it's disrespectful that they did it while she was in the bed 100 but when she said like the friend group like it's messing with the friend group no you have every right to feel like ew that's not cool like i was passed out and i'm sure they'll

be like we were drunk we're so sorry which valid but like you can your feelings are also that like it's all valid a different room or get on the floor or something go to the bathroom like or also do that somebody's in the same bed with you and here's the other thing non-consensual you did it don't fucking tell me like yeah i didn't wake up like don't bring it up like don't even just say it but also there's the part that he lies about sexual experiences all the time too which yeah i think you think it could be very much will be a lie it could be i think it's a hard lie but if he got drunk and then called her and was like ha ha ha guess what yeah last weekend that's true out me and whatever she said his fake name said nick and jackson

yeah i mean i would just whoever i think you said whatever whichever the one of those guys who told you about it keep it between you two don't bring anybody else into it you guys are also really young we don't like i don't know they're if they're both out if they're both like in family situations where they can be out or they're comfortable with that um so i would just keep it whoever would whichever one the boys jackson i think you said talk to you about it that's the person i would bring it up to and like continue talking about and i would just play it off like nothing happened like and it was just like oh whatever oh no no in the friend group in the friend group not to him yes but to him i'd be like that was not cool at all that you did that

while i was in the bed with you asleep yeah i would have a serious conversation and be like hey i love you i love our friendship and i really wish that that didn't go down how it was and then also i really wish i maybe you felt uncomfortable telling me but i really also wish if you were going to tell me you would have told me sober it does kind of feel like i was blindsided and i know that you've always had and like a crush on him and all of that and that's fine and i'm here for it but like i don't want to physically be here for it and so like i i think you just need to like lay that line carefully because sometimes it can be like oh my god aren't you happy for me though like you know how much i've been liking this person you're like yeah but

like it didn't have to go down the way it went down but i would keep it between you and him and have a serious conversation with him about it i wouldn't bring it up to the other guy and i wouldn't bring it up to any of your other friends i would just because i don't even think it's like a i think this is a friendship issue like between you and him this was like a hey is a trust yeah you made me feel icky this wasn't fun and it doesn't really matter what happened or what he did or who it was with or someone else that was in your friend group it's just that like your friend did something kind of shitty and at the same time i know you're friends with both of them but only one of them talked to you about it and that's also i think the shittier aspect of it

you did something shitty you got away with it and like yes i'm all about trust but you didn't need to know this and unless like the whole friend group knew and it was gonna come out then okay but i just think that it was a kind of a yeah like a shitty way for him to tell you about it too and maybe the other guy feels like awkward or embarrassed or doesn't want to let you know or feels really bad about it so yeah weird mood though it is weird mood i'm just picturing that in my life now i'd be like the fuck bitch i'm a light sleeper though is it time for a breakdown yes okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back We are back from our break, guys, and we're getting to the rest of the calls.

I wasn't able to meet with my therapist today because she was sick, so I'm kind of going crazy. But I've been with my boyfriend for about seven years, and I think it's kind of just time that we break it off or take a break or something. I'm 23 years old we started dating when I was 16 he's almost 25 and the reason I kind of want to break up is just we're not like in the same place in our lives I guess I'm doing really well I like have an amazing job I have amazing friends like I feel really happy with where I am and he's kind of just stuck in this like high school mentality um and he just has not progressed any aspect of his life um you know and it's like I'm ready to get married and he is not even close even though we've been together for so long and like we've wanted like he says that he wants

to marry me but he's not taking any steps to getting there like he still works for the same job that he's had for uh the past like five years that pays him so so so so so shitty and he doesn't do anything to kind of make his situation better um and i'm kind of just tired of it i don't i'm just kind of at my wits end and I guess I just uh I guess and we live together too um and we have like this whole life together and so I guess if I do decide to break things off with him um I guess what I'm asking is like how do I do this like this is my first time like breaking up with someone as an adult and um and i don't know if we just want to take a break and how would that work like i just don't understand like what i should do in the slightest sense um should i kick him out like i

don't want him to be homeless like i do i move out like but that's all like literally our entire house is my stuff like i have bought every single thing in our house um i just don't i i and like if we take a break does he still pay rent like i don't like i do i do here like i am so confused i'm so concerned for him for me like i don't know i think you guys should break up i don't think that there's any reason for you guys to have a break i think we talk about breaks here a lot when it's i don't want to say ultimatum me but if it's something like we're in two different locations like a break needs to have an end point like it needs to have like this is when we're going to get this shit done that we i can't be in a relationship with you if these things aren't

being met and so let's take a break and you can do that but i also think to be fair i think a break if someone's suggesting a break i think it usually should come from the person who like has shit to go like work on but i think if you're like hey like take a break and in this like three months i need you to like get a better job and like get some motivation and some ambition i just don't think that that's how it works out because also you're asking him to do something i think a break if someone's gonna bring up a break it's the person who's has shit to do and that's like here let's just take a break i can prove it to you not like let's go on a break prove it to me on myself yeah i need to take a break because i need a break from you and break from a lot of

things in my life so that i can improve who i am and find who i am and he's not taking that initiative he's not gonna do that if you guys take a break because then he'll feel like if if he wants to stay in this relationship he'll feel like that you're pressuring him yeah he'll resent you in the end yeah you don't you don't want to change someone they should want to change themselves and i think it's really hard when it comes to like ambition and motivation because that's something that like is a pretty much a universal trait that everybody deems is a positive thing and that everybody kind of wants and it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that some people aren't like that and that that's okay and that that's they don't have any desire to change

that and to not be like and like and i think that's yeah the hardest part is it it's why wouldn't you want to be motivated why wouldn't want you why wouldn't you want to have all this ambition and these big dreams as somebody who has them i totally get that i think it's something that i mean we talk about all the time that that's like the number one i mean that but actually literally talked about this like three days ago yeah maybe two that that's like the big deal it wasn't anything with megan no yeah i just want to be yeah i just want to be clear that nobody shits on mods it wasn't her it was no he's a capricorn he has too much ambition he's like i want to be a billionaire person is too oh good god shut up wow yeah good to know um yep so i i think

like if you've had conversations about this and i would assume if you've been together for seven years you have had conversations about this i would just i would be done and break up because i think it's you're just growing up to be different people and like you have different priorities and that's fine but like he will make someone else totally happy who is fine with his ambition or lack of like where his ambitions are and also we have to understand that like people have different have ambitions in different aspects of their life some people are really career driven other peoples are other people are really family driven or really friend driven or things like that so i just don't think you guys are matching up but i don't think like a break is the solution

or answer because also he's if he hasn't shown that he is compatible with you ambition wise in seven years he's definitely not going to show it in like two months yeah you guys have been together since you were teenagers yeah grow up and they and they can grow apart some people grow closer some people grow apart but you I feel like you're both very comfortable in your relationship um as far as like you think that because you've been together for so long that you can work through the issue and it might not be that you guys haven't been with anybody else as an adult time doesn't fix everything no time doesn't fix everything and you know he's he might be just like comfortable where he is at his job where he can show up every day and he knows exactly what he's

going to get he doesn't have to worry about anything there's not any changes and he can come home to you and be fine but that's not what you want and i don't think that you just because you love him and that you're with him i don't think that you should feel like that you need to settle yeah and also i think you need to address that like like you said he might like that aspect and so as much as you love him and you want to see him be the best version of himself your best version of himself and his best version of himself might be totally different and you don't want to pressure someone to change just so they can keep you because then that kind of feels like you're being watched i do think that you're really ready to break up too just

based on how you're talking about this like you're not talking about it you're talking about the logistics of the actual breakup not oh my gosh like how am i gonna sleep in a bed by myself like you're you're not talking about these like emotional ones it's really more logistics yeah you're like i want all my shit i want to take it with me do i kick him out i mean he's the thing is he's an adult yeah he if if you guys break up he's gonna need to figure out how he's gonna live by himself he doesn't necessarily have to be homeless but he need he should be able to figure that out on his own as an adult person yeah it's not your responsibility i think whoever keeps the house and whoever moves out who can pay rent who can pay all the rent if like you can pay all

the rent and it's all of your stuff i think to be fair i doubt he's gonna ask to like say i want it if it's all your furniture if it's all stuff that you've bought and all of this stuff like he knows that you're gonna clear it out so it just doesn't make any sense yeah um i would say though i would give him time to move out like give him time to find obviously now but like give him time to find a living situation to like find a roommate or move back in with his parents or anything like that i don't think it can be like i need you out by this amount of time yeah but i think that if he like lingers for like months then it's time to revisit that conversation but i wouldn't be like hey i need you out now especially because like you don't

you're not mad at him like you guys are just like you still have feelings for him you still really care about him so i would say that like yeah but also be cautious with that too and don't fall back into um other behaviors yeah like giving him time to move out don't fall back into relationship couple-y type behaviors yeah i if if you guys do that and you break up and he is planning moving out the first thing i would do if i were you is like take a obviously hopefully this is i'm assuming this is not happening while we're quarantined i don't know if it's not let's say this happens afterwards my advice would be like go take a trip with your friends like go take a week long like just get out of there and kind of have that space and separation so you're not going

from one day we're sleeping in the same bed we're together we say i love you all of that stuff to then suddenly be like oh i'm gonna sleep on the couch or you're gonna sleep in the guest room or something like that i think if you can have that little like break and divide to change up the pace so then you kind of create a new normal i would go for that or even if it's like you just like visiting your parents for a week or something like that or whoever is in your life that you can kind of have that little like space and separation from it's like going about the actual breakup to be fair i've never i don't think i've ever had like an adult breakup and by adult i mean like emotional maturity and age-wise like i've like dated and like broken up when i was in my 20s but

I mean lots I started dating when I was 23 no 24 22 22 we started dating when I was 22 22 yeah we started dating when I was 22 and I dated someone for like a little bit when I was 21 but we didn't date for that long and I got on a plane and left and like broke up with him over text but yeah so i don't really know i wish i could have more help with that i think my yeah i mean everybody knows that like i'm still friends with most of my exes so i don't think that my really my advice is going to be helpful to you in this situation with things that i've lived through um i think most and i and i've i've never lived with a significant other too so i can't i can't give that you can't yet no i can't announcement everyone megan's breaking up with mine

um but what i would say is i would approach it in how you would want this to be done if it were you and not you with the mindset you're at now like put yourself in his shoes actually that's a lie don't do this if you wanted it to be you because i think if it were you you would want somebody to tell you to be more ambitious and all of that stuff because you sound like that kind of person which is fine and great i think put yourself in his shoes and how would he want this to be done like you know him so well you've known him for so long be gentle and go about this in the way that's best suited for him and best suited for him and his emotions right now not like a oh i'm gonna give you all the reasons why this is the big picture thing now like preserve his feelings

if he wants to get to the nitty-gritty of really like all of that shit he can come to you in like six months a year but i don't think especially because you're still living together i think if you like unleash all of it you are still living together and i just think that's going to be so uncomfortable and not fun and as much as you might find it productive and helpful for him so he can like think about it in an ex-relationship or like about his own life i think just focus on the breakup first not the breaking up i really wish you were more like this blah blah blah and if even bringing talking about it with him i wouldn't say i just say that you value like career ambition that you've you've really realized through all of this that you want someone who has a similar

sort of career drive to you and not that what and not that like yours is like bad or anything like that like i i just think that we're different i think focus on that because i think it can be pretty hard to not and i think he'll still take it as like personal like in the there's no way he's not going to take any of this personal exactly it's not just about him in this situation yeah do your best to be about the fact that you're not compatible it's not that he's not enough for you it's that and you can even say like i don't think that it's just working out between like yeah how we vibe together but best of luck i really really would love to know what your quarantine situation i know like there's been so many people that have broken up during

quarantine and it just seems awful it seems absolutely terrible i think this is the time where you can see who you can spend the rest of your life yeah no i not to get like so cheesy and everybody who's like all the other people who are in long-term relationships i totally understand how now could be a time that you would get so annoyed with your significant other but like months and i were talking i was like babe i love this this is so much fun like we literally like we've been like every time we've had therapy we've only gone we've only done it a couple times because we've been rescheduling a bunch because our therapist keeps being like love you guys but i really don't think that there's like you're just not fighting like there's really nothing for us to

like go over right now like enjoy this happy like fun phase and it is i think it's uh it is it's a nice confirmation for me that i'm like oh cool i do like you when you're around all the time which is nice but it's also normal not to like your partner all the time yeah but i do also think it's different because i spend so much time alone at home and he's obviously at work all day that like it's such a different dynamic for us to be around each other like during the day i like it who knows if he likes as much as i do but fine next one hi megan melissa impossible guest so I'm calling in because I have a question of course so just jumping right into it to be quite honest like I've only had sex with two guys one was a boyfriend of mine and one was a hookup and

I've been masturbating for some years um but something I recently encountered and kind of like put two and two together is that I just have a very very sensitive clit and obviously that's a good thing but direct stimulation is just too much for my body it's just and I guess I kind of knew this you know my boyfriend just kind of learned it and we rolled with it but then this guy that I was hooking up with like I literally just had to be like oh hey like stop just because it was so much and it wasn't painful but it just it's uncomfortable um and it was kind of awkward and given I was also nervous so that probably didn't help me at all but I just wanted to like call in and ask like how do I navigate this now that I know this about my body and myself like

how do I tell other partners this what do I do please help me I really want to have a good sex life but I feel like this is just kind of something I need to learn to live with so if you guys have any advice i would really really super appreciate it i am curious like obviously like clits have varying sensitivity um no one should be applying like hardcore direct pressure onto your clit like dj booth wiki wiki no but i'm saying like right off like if that's how it's immediately starting that's why i'm curious about like i don't know how much and obviously like go you're going to call just talk about it like or even call back in and let us know but i i am curious it is such a sensitive part of your body in general i do wonder how much of it you've been

mastered well i guess you've been masturbating so you know that that's a very sensitive part of you i'm curious the difference between you navigating when you're masturbating versus when you're hooking up with someone because if you guys are young or they're just not really great experience i think she said 10 years is what she said she's been masturbating okay so i think she she's i think she could be like i don't know people yeah i was gonna be like we don't know but i think i would just like really assess the difference for you like how you navigate that sensitivity versus with partners because in experience people might just like literally the second pants are off they're like doing a whole like kygo dj set on your clip dude and like

that can be like if you're extra sensitive that's like uh sort of a thing and so that i understand that can feel very awkward especially right off the bat if it feels like a quote-unquote mood killer that immediately but that also just doesn't feel good immediately like i would like i would like if you kiss me first before you like i would like to be wet first oh my god i would like to be wet first before you're like like oh god you're just it's just friction and not slick yeah no but the way you said that your boyfriend kind of learned that i think is so normal and again i i don't want to question like you discovering that this is like a sensitivity thing but i will just say like sex with a partner versus sex with hookups in order to have you have to really

prioritize your orgasm and your pleasure pleasure because they don't know you they don't know you and it i think in not just like for you specifically but for anyone you should be vocalizing what you like and what you don't like so if he's being too aggressive then just say hey i don't like that or that's too much yeah i'm not ready i don't want that i don't need i don't want that right now move his hand like you i think we as women um don't take enough ownership to our bodies and remember that it's your body and he's trying to provide you with pleasure yeah so if you're not getting that pleasure then you need to say to him hey this this isn't it let me show you what i like and you can do it in a sexy way oh totally and if you think about it in the same

sense that like that's like if you use teeth in a blowjob and a guy wasn't into it he would tell you but as women again we don't really speak up or say anything i also do think like the vagina owning a vagina it is a very different like a penis you feel more familiar if i'm assuming if you have a penis you feel more familiar with it because you can see it all like you can really see every single angle but there is an aspect of a vagina that you're like i don't know like i can't go down on myself like i don't under i don't necessarily so it can feel like your partner knows your body more than you do just based on like proximity like of i mean yes grab a hand mirror and figure all of that stuff out but it is a little harder to understand but you are

masturbating and i think yeah just being vocal about what you're into in sex and what and you can even if it feels better for you to like say like heads up i'm like hella sensitive down there like so like don't take it personal no yeah i don't know if like a heads up might be good too because then somebody might put in less work than they should be true i think it needs to be in the moment of what yeah like you're doing like i don't hey or just like move his hand yeah and i think it's a good practice in general whether you're single or in a relationship just to say i think it i think we put something it's easier to say what we like versus what we don't like but they're not doing that for them like they're doing this for you and i think as much as you

might make it feel it might feel awkward to you think about it you're smashing the patriarchy this every single time that you prioritize your pleasure and talk about your pleasure with your partner and if whoever you're sleeping with is a dick about it great they don't deserve to fucking get anywhere near you nope and move on and if it feels awkward or uncomfortable know that that's not because you're doing anything wrong it's because like society and media has told you to like sit down be quiet you should just be happy a guy's even touching your vagina like right with his hands or his mouth like like you you nasty whore like right yeah but i also think this is a great um empowering like journey and like i don't say test but like for you to really practice this

and like work on it because it is different to feel sexually empowered single and hooking up versus in a relationship and i've never done that like i've never i've never been that single like i never had that like oh i'm gonna tell you exactly what i want in this hookup kind of thing and i think that's yeah i feel like i missed out on that but i think it's a great place for you to be at and it's going to make your sex life so much better and even if it's like just mutual masturbation and all that but i think it's getting over the hump of the awkwardness and knowing the awkwardness isn't because you're creating an awkward situation it's because you've been told that you should feel awkward which is obviously like it feels the same like actually feeling

awkward and being in an awkward situation versus like being in a situation which you've been told is really awkward it still feels awkward either way but know that right no like grown up feminist man is gonna be like i'm sorry we're prioritizing your pleasure here like i was doing my dj set like let me live my life like no one's gonna say that yeah i can't it just takes me back though to like the aggressive like fucking finger banging from high school it's and you're just like this isn't fun i'm not getting any pleasure i'm so glad it's dark because my face is like the point of this but and the thing is is like the guys think that they're like really doing something like they think they're doing something and it's because we're not saying that they're not and then they

grow up to be 35 year old men who can't fuck all of my guy friends who have like have you know been been deemed great in bed they've all attributed it to the fact the first girl who ever told them that doesn't feel good this is what you need to do differently and they're like oh sick amazing and that's also empowering for them and i think that's why it's a trope in like tv and movies when like this like 20 year old guys like hooking up with uh like this 40 year old woman and they're always like oh she just knows what she wants and that's why because the woman's telling them and they want they want that too like that's like you want to be able to like please other women and like the people like your sexual partners like you want that that's like a great sort of thing

and it's also funny because like that makes me think of like sex in the city which is like the epitome of that um but then also something that i think is so funny in movies and tv shows which i was just thinking about because it was also in a tiktok is that there's always the one there's like one guy who's great at going down on girls as if there's only one and like oh he goes down on girls like oh my god he like he'll eat you out like it's amazing and i'm like oh my god why are we setting the bar so low like in the entire show of sexicity there was only one guy that they were all like oh my god it's amazing you have to like you have to hook up with him he's great he's such a giving lover and i'm like oh my god why are our standards so low right yeah all right okay guys

don't blame them time this is where you guys give your own advice this is from episode uh 19 of the season season five with me and megan where the original caller she um didn't like going to her therapist because her therapist was not attractive so this is somebody calling with uh some insight on that hi um i am calling in reference to season 5 episode 19 with the girl who was having a hard time dealing with her therapist because she was unattractive and the reason why i'm calling is because i was recently diagnosed with asperger's last year and i had something similar it's more of a sensory thing so for example I can't focus if someone smells funny to me whether it be cologne or actual body odor and it's not so much that I'm judging them for

the way they smell it's just a sensory input that my brain can't quite process and while it's an explanation it's not an excuse I do agree that she should see a different therapist and to discuss this stuff one of the things that I did at home that helped me in regards to being able to focus on somebody who's not my typical qualities of attractiveness which doesn't have to do with wanting to sleep with them but more along the lines of how aesthetically pleasing they are sure but one of the things I did was limiting my social media because I was tailoring it to be only seeing pretty faces, and my brain wasn't getting used to faces that were filtered and tailored for Instagram. I actually had to go out, which I know is a little bit hard now for

the whole coronavirus thing, but it doesn't help you to get over the sensory issue by tailoring it and making it the only people that you find aesthetically pleasing so hopefully that helps thanks bye that was so fucking insightful that was just a light bulb in my head yeah it was never something that i thought about no asperger's is incredibly the autism spectrum in general for women it's it's so incredibly hard to diagnose because they didn't test it on women i i really i recently very much got into all of this and like read all about this shit because a girl i follow on tiktok recently got or i don't follow i don't follow her oh i'm so sorry i don't follow anyone on tiktok i don't know why you i don't know how to follow people um but she got diagnosed and

she did a whole like series about it and how it's not diagnosed in women till much later because the whole handbook written on how you diagnose it's only from like little boys like little kids and so that's why like like women display it their symptoms so differently and i forget masking is like the term like they they mask really well and i think this is super interesting because obviously none of us including this uh caller no one's trying to diagnose her but i do think that this is a great insight that we definitely didn't i definitely didn't think of at all i didn't think of i didn't even know about this so um yeah thank you for this is why we have this segment it's because it opens our eyes to other perspectives that we didn't think

of yeah because this i i knew the sensory thing but i never i never knew like oh i have to go like going out of your way to make sure you're not consuming the same sort of content and seeing the same sort of things because your brain's reacting to them differently and getting used to them and your brain responds to other things differently so i think that's wildly interesting and thank you so much for calling in with that insight i'm really hope the original caller listens to this and sees another therapist and maybe brings it up with them and talks about it again not diagnosing at all but it is an interesting uh and they're also it might not be the only explanation like there might be other sort of things that go on that could have a similar

reaction that that the this callback is saying that she experiences with her autism so i think asperger's did she say asperger's or autism i don't want to say the wrong one asperger's asperger's um so yeah i think this is wildly insightful and thank you so much wow i feel like i learned i mean i did learn something that's that is so interesting that is so wildly interesting and wow and also congratulations on getting a diagnosis from everything that i've read like it's hard what she said though that it's not an excuse no and i think that's amazing because obviously i think about the same thing with like mental health depression and everything like that like everything that i'm going everything that's going on in my head can cause me to do some things

that like maybe not be the greatest friend and all of that sort of stuff but also nobody else can see that and nobody else can control that only i can and sometimes i can't control it but also it doesn't invalidate how it makes other people feel it's just like a it's a personal thing that you you work through with the help of obviously other people so i think yeah it's like your accountability for that's amazing but i'm yeah i'm just that was fantastic yeah that was fucking fantastic what a great great way to end this one i love it uh if you guys want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and if you liked this

episode please rate it on itunes we're also ad free on stitcher videos on youtube you want to follow us on social do it please please oh and make sure you follow our don't blame me account too because we're so close to 10 10 000 and the reason why we want to get to 10 000 guys is because once you get 10 000 you can do swipe up links and that's all i fucking want is to be able to do a swipe up link on the podcast instagram um my book comes out tomorrow please order it get it if you are international all of the links that i've provided all my socials are us links i do think i have like an australian link and i can like a canadian link in my instagram book highlight but you can just google megan ranks you're not special and your country and you should be able

to find it there and if you're having trouble that way you can always get digital or audio version are literally available everywhere so please go get it i would really appreciate it yeah holy shit it's fucking crazy don't like physically go because you can't but like no like mentally go and if you don't like it don't tell me like i just don't i don't want you to tell me but i'm gonna say as one of the first readers of the book i think you are the first reader of someone i know the first and the first listener i am you can say that i'm the first listener of the true that it is excellent and i'm very proud of megan thanks i'm scared shitless well yeah guys out there i did i did i sometimes i wonder if it's too much but it's it's happening

it's fine also i will say compared to this show i don't think it's too much no i don't think so we've said a lot of things on this show that i'm the most i will say though as much as i was nervous for the book coming out during quarantine i do feel a little more protected that like no one who's in the book can necessarily show up you know i mean like it's yeah i don't have to i'm not going on a book tour no but i mean like i'm not the book tour was giving me so that was one thing that you were very anxious about oh i did i was like there's no way i was convinced i was gonna have to cancel and i wasn't gonna be able to do it so it is nice that i'm like okay i'm in the safety of my own home whatever happens happens but like i'm not like i don't know i'm not

venturing out um but that's it guys and um we'll see you next time goodbye Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts, camera operator Amanda Lechner, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso. Get your tickets now for the Dark Stars. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear. Go!

A therapist. Kill or be killed. Jacob Elordi. There are people out there. They need our help. Josh Brolin. Shoot first. inquire afterwards margaret quali okay tough guy and guy pierce arm up

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