Don't Blame Me! - S5E25: Hooking Up with a Youtuber w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Your partner not wanting kids with you Hating your mom's fiance Internalized homophobia Too respectable boyfriend Update: Faking Orgasms   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me if you are watching this episode um please comment how happy you are that i moved my setup because it took me so fucking long and it's been a shit show we've been at this i've been at this for like an hour and you've been here with me for 40 minutes yeah but i knew that you were going to take a while. So like I waited to the last minute to do everything as well. I was doing it as you were setting up too. So perfect. Yeah. We say like, we say the time we're going to start and then it's like, you ready? And I'm like, yeah, I'm, I'm setting up. So no, I'm not ready, but I say, yes, I'm ready. I'm setting up, which is not me being ready at all. Um, but my book is out.

We just have to talk about, I know that this is coming out later, but we're recording this two days after my book is after yeah people already finished it like i mean it's it's pretty short and people don't have anything to do no but i think the craziest part was on tuesday when it came out i was getting messages of people like tuesday evening being like i just finished listening to the audiobook and i'm like what you just it's eight hours long so that's a lot it's how much like people usually go to work for so if they're not going to work or school's out congratulations to the people that graduated oh yeah um then they're not they don't have anything else to do that is true well it's exciting for me i'm happy about it um well anything anything new with you

no absolutely nothing oh yes actually there is i'm starting a little garden oh what are you gonna make or grow tomatoes and cucumbers oh i love that that's fun i want a garden i'll bring you some i'll drop them off at your door oh my god it's gonna be like a month couple months from that's fine i'm into it i love a garden it's very like aina garden hey are you wearing pants no i'm wearing shorts are you like pussy out no i've got on my little thought shorts for twerk club oh i've got on bike shorts like the cute kind not like i'm going cycling with a cushion in the ass yeah i'm thinking they're like like the speedo material they've got like the lines well guys um this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast you call in we

give you advice and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 and international listeners wow i almost forgot about you guys i am so sorry um sent us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and we will uh hopefully answer it should we get into the calls have to do it speaking of international hi megan melissa and possible guest so i had a question regarding some advice in my relationship i've been together with my boyfriend for five years i'm 27 he's 29 we have a house and a dog and all of that um about a year ago he said that he has kind of like a pit when he thinks about future and marriage and it's something that we've been talking about and I was like, you know, does that mean you don't want to marry me? You don't

see a future with me? He just didn't know. So we've been trying to talk about it. We've always had really good communication in our relationship, but it's been something that's been there for the past year or so. And about a week or so ago, he came to me and said that he finally kind of figured out what the pit is and it had to do with children. And that was that he didn't know if he couldn't see himself having children or he said when he thought about um who would be the mother of his future children and he thought of me it didn't automatically click that that would be the case so of course this upset me a lot um you know we've been together for five years I'm in my late 20s like what the hell what do you mean you don't know if you want kids with me or couldn't see me

as being the mother of your children um so I kind of freaked out um and told him that I can't wait forever. I have a genetic condition that means that I am more likely to miscarry. So he knows that. And he knows that like, I can't wait till I'm 35 or, you know, whichever, because I don't know how that will affect me being able to get pregnant and have children. So he, you know, we cried a lot. We talked a lot and I told him that I can't wait forever. And I need to know. He also agreed to go to couples counseling with me, which we're doing this week to try and figure out what that means but I'm in a really hard spot and I don't know like how long I should be waiting for him to figure his shit out you know like we've built this life together and basically if I leave

I'm starting from scratch I will be back to renting I will be back to like everything and it's just really scary and I love him and I always pictured us having children together and going through a future together and then just to be told this all of a sudden out of the blue is really scary. And I don't know if I should be waiting months for him to figure it out or see how couples counseling goes or whatever. So I could really use some advice because I'm really freaking out. And yeah, if you can give me some advice, that would be great. Love the podcast. Love you guys. Thanks. What is with these trash men saying like, if you think this shit in your head, fucking filter like do not say that like it's so hurtful and it's so there's no other

there's no other goal there's no other outcome or like desire that you have when you say oh I don't see you as the mother of my children that all that is the only intention there is to hurt and I don't and I think people think that like honesty is like the best policy yeah but like there's certain instances and certain things that you say or certain things that you feel that you have to if I if that was me and that's what I thought in my head I my my initial reaction would not be oh let me tell my partner that it was like why do I feel that like what is going on with me that's making me feel that sort of way and if I feel that way that's on me I'm not going to put that on my partner because they can't like you can't control anything and it's

like him essentially saying like oh I like it starts off by being like oh I don't know if I want to have kids which is you've are if you guys have already discussed this and something that you've always wanted is already kind of a blow and then it's like actually no it's not that maybe it's not that i don't have kids i just don't know if i want you to and it's not even saying that i don't know if i want to have kids with you i don't know if i see you as the mother of my children like that's it's insulting like that's just it is and it's like that spot has art it's like reserved for somebody else yes i i'm like a huge proponent of couples counseling but i don't think i don't think this dude is it and i think for you i think you know that like i

think you know that this and like you even saying so you saying i don't want to i don't know if i want you're like i don't want to wait around for months waiting around for months was like very like like i was assuming years so if you're not even willing to wait around for months i think that you're kind of using that as your excuse to get out which is fine but I think you need to or not even think you need to reframe how you're feeling about it from your end because you're not starting over and like I hate when people think about that because that's like saying you're like your first kiss never happened like the next person that you date you're starting over like no you're gaining life experience you're getting relationship experience you're learning

about you like five years were not a waste at all and they weren't a waste or like sending you back to zero or to the start of any sort of relationship like you you don't walk in the same person that you leave and relationships come into your life for a reason it might not be forever but it's not a waste and there's no there's no reason to stay just because you feel like it means that you have to start from square one because you don't. I know so many people who got out of like long, long, long term relationships and the next person they met, it was instant. They knew what they wanted right away. They were much more ready to commit and they got married within like a fucking year of meeting each other. Yeah. And they're so happy. All that. Yeah. There's this

guy that I knew that he was with his girlfriend for like 10 years. And I was like, like, do you guys want to get married? And he was like, no, everything's great with us. I love our relationship. Um, and then they broke up at some point. Um, and then like, he got into another relationship and it was like instant, like, he was like, I want to marry this woman. We're having a child. And it's like, sometimes you're just with people because you think you should be because you've been in the relationship for so long. And I think that's what you're saying, because you're saying, if I leave, then it started all over, like hitting a reset button, but that's not what's happening here. You are comfortable in this relationship and you you've known for a whole

year that there were red flags there. He's come to the decision. He's told you something that's hurting you. You're going to counsel. By this point, you went to counseling a couple of weeks ago, but you called us. And I feel like that you aren't even trying to give counseling a chance because you're already out of this relationship mentally. Yeah. And you're calling us for for permission and we're 100 giving you permission i think yeah i just think that you have to also think about it the the father of your children the hut like your life partner when you think about the kind of shit if you're in a relationship and there's some like really nasty shit do you see your future husband father your children do you see him as being someone who

has said this to you like do you see that do you see like do you want to embark on being a parent with somebody who looks at you and is like I don't see like to me that would just feel like it's a test like just watching me being like live up to my expectations because like I'm not you're not what I wanted it to be and I just think it's it's so abs like it's just absolute shit and I get if you guys have had good communication and everything and I think something that's so like such a hard thing to learn and understand once we get older is being in love with someone isn't enough like for to make any relationship work it doesn't matter how much you love someone some things it sometimes it just doesn't work it's about compatibility and

life compatibility and if you can grow together and if you want the same things and if you want to make it work and you want to like progress it forward when things get tough and not because you love that person but because like you're choosing that person and you can't love him and choose him enough for the both of you because he's not doing that and I think that this is just as much as he's you've said that he's such a good communicator this I'm I would be curious to know if he's ever said anything in an oversharing way kind of like this to you before because it might be masking his good communication when that's not good communication that's just being mean and yeah it's mean he didn't say like I don't want to have children period he said I don't want to have

children with you yeah and also if you don't want to have and if he didn't want to have children like that's what i don't get like if it was him if he truly saw a future with you and saw like saw all of that with you i he's saying something he yeah he's he's choosing to say certain things that are so hurtful that it's that those don't leave your brain like it's not like oh i can just get over this or him being like yeah i'm not sure i really want to have uh kids and then it's something we figure out later down the road because not wanting to have kids he knows that you really want to but maybe then what if you want to stay and work through it and instead of saying he doesn't want to have kids he's like well no how can i make it more specific to her and it's

just like and also like i'm sorry sir what do you like who do you see being the mother of your fucking children right like what is this expectation what are the what are the qualities in me that that don't make me a good mother and why have we been dating and living together and own a house together and all of that if you don't see me with those good those qualities like what qualities are yeah i just think this is it's shit it's like the same sort of feeling that i get when people will say they'll call us and say something along the way oh like my boyfriend had a sex dream about my best friend and told me like and he can't control his dreams so like how do i feel better about it i'm like you can control his mouth like that's the fucking issue like don't say that shit

like yeah there's no fucking reason like you don't gain anything from that and that's not oh i'm just being honest because there's certain things where be honest when you need to have a conversation that's productive and you need to get something out of it but if it's if if neither party is going to benefit from what you are saying and it's only going to hurt then there's no need or reason to be honest like maybe you're just being an asshole and maybe you need to sit with being an asshole instead of telling somebody else and therefore feeling like oh i'm relieving myself of this guilt because it's not like i'm withholding something from you and look i'm being honest so i'm the good guy and it's like no you were being an asshole you had an asshole thought or an

asshole like reaction to something and then that's on you to figure your own shit out but don't put that on me and then be like it was honest yeah i fucking hate this dude it's bullshit it's absolute bullshit and also know that if you choose to move on to a different relationship and date somebody else knew and have kids um you always like even if you're not birthing your own children i know that's something that like i personally don't know if i can do and i really would love to do but it's also not the only way to have kids so just know that it's open adoption fostering children all of that stuff are uh amazing great things to look into too um but yeah because i don't i think sorry yeah i don't want you to feel like you've got you're running out of time because

i also think that like he's has this idea of his image and i think i yeah i think i think you're settling for a dude who has like yeah like he's clearly looking for i don't know he wants to like fucking marry his mom and you're over here being like i guess i'll marry this dude who's like kind of a shit okay yeah peace the fuck out oh hi guys i'm 24 and i have a strained relationship with my mom she is a trump supporter uh the not racist kind of racist and a few years ago she left my dad suddenly kind of blindsided actually and now she's engaged to a man i've never met before and i suspect that she actually cheated on my dad with this dude but she has denied it um don't really believe her but anyways this dude posts publicly to his facebook page nasty things

against liberals millennials women and people of the lgbtq plus community um trash but this is mostly a problem because I'm all of those. I'm bi and want nothing to do with this guy. Oh, that rhymed. Ooh, hi. But anyways, my mom not only condones this way of thinking, but she actually agrees with him. And I had a very difficult conversation with my mom over the phone. I'll explain that in a second. Coming out to my mom as bi. And unfortunately, in the same conversation, I told her, I never want to meet this guy. I never want to meet her fiance. Don't like the things that he posts. And she basically just tried justifying the way that he talks. Um, but she said that she would always choose her kids over him.

And I said, no, that's not, you shouldn't do that because your children are not your life partner. We can't be there for you every single day. Uh, we, we can't share that same kind of love. Um, And I'm not even going to be living in the same city or state or country as her for probably most of my life. So that actually probably gives away my identity, but I don't really care. So I live abroad now, and my mom is waiting for me to come home to get married. my sister is also getting married um around the same time but dates aren't set yet uh and my sister has made it very clear that neither she nor our dad to be fair gets a plus one to her wedding and i agree i understand because in my future wedding i also don't want

this person celebrating that day with me. He's basically a stranger to me. And I just don't want that kind of person around me in my life at all. And especially not on my wedding day. So my questions are, one, should I go to my mom's wedding? And two, this is a hard one. Should I just cut her out of my life completely because this is not a healthy relationship? I do plan on seeing a therapist when I'm back in the States, so I won't make any big decisions around this situation until then uh but I would love to hear your thoughts um okay that's it thank you bye boy yeah good god um I'm actually really as much as you said like that's this is the hard question to ask I'm really glad you said it because I didn't want to I didn't want to be like hey this

is what I think you should do because it's I don't want it to be colored by my own experiences but I think also my own experiences can tell you how much fucking better it is on the other side once you cut out a toxic family member and it's hard because this is such political issues right now are moral issues and if your mom agrees with him it doesn't and makes excuses for him yeah being your mom doesn't that that like arbitrary name and relationship doesn't make that okay and it doesn't make it sucks to say that it also doesn't make you an exception to her judgment and like her own how she feels about things and that own yeah her own morals and belief system and how she who she surrounds herself with and everything like that who your partner is is a reflection of you

And I think that it's it's easier for you to see him and hate him because you don't know him. You don't have that like those ties with him and that history with him. But she's choosing that she's choosing someone who you hate for very legitimate moral reasons, because you know that he does. he says completely he says in and believes incredibly hatred like hateful small-minded bigoted things but also things that pertain to who you are as a person and I think that the reason why you probably have so much hate to him I mean a it's obvious why but I think also because it's easier for you to hate him than it is to hate your mom and I think all of that anger is really targeted towards him and I think as much as you even said oh I wouldn't want her when she said she would always pick her children and not the her life partner and all of that stuff I think it's it's easier to think I think if I were if I were you I would say I would cut her

off because you know it's toxic it's a lot easier to do that than to be cut off from a like to take that power and to go, Hey, I'm not going to stand for this relationship anymore. This isn't healthy for me. And it doesn't have to be a big blow up or super fucking dramatic. I literally ended my relationship with my mom with like a phone call and that was it. And that was like, and I was done and I, it was so calm and I was like, I'm done. Like this is, and I have not spoken to her since. And that is, I think it is, it is so much more empowering and it's such a, and I talk about it in the book but it's such a feel it like it's such a like a great act of self-love when you cut out somebody who is so incredibly toxic to your life and i think it doesn't even if for you if

it's not if she hasn't always been like this if this has been something that's only been happening the last couple of years like politically and all of that you also don't have to cut her off in uh oh i'm never going to speak to her ever again kind of way it's like while this era of her life is happening and if this is for the rest of her life then we won't we won't have a relationship it for that long but i'm not gonna say that i'm done with her regardless you can be done with her while this is the circumstance and if the circumstance changes re-evaluate all of that sort of stuff but i don't i would love to be like blindly optimistic and say i think that if you're around it'll get better um but you sure you might open their mind a little bit you

might become an exception to the rule but that's not at not without the expense of like your own mental health and like your own like how you feel about yourself and like your own like gender identity and all of that shit and like or like sexual orientation and how you feel about and all of that it's just not i don't think it's worth it to be i think sometimes we go through life and we're weird the the people really care about if they're small mind we want to be around to like prove to them like look how like no it's okay like i'm humanizing being like queer i'm humanizing being any sort of like religion or race or whatever but I don't think we think about that like that's it's not your job and it's like so taxing and so emotionally tolling and you don't

need to do that you shouldn't have to like handhold your parents through accepting you and loving you that should be like an innate response and if you have to teach somebody how to love you not in like your love language way but if you have to teach somebody how to like love you and treat you it it fucks you up like and you don't that's not like a it's not I don't want to say it's not like a normal relationship but yeah like you don't it's not like a relationship hurdle that everyone has so oh oh but I get that it's hard because it sounds like this is more it sounds like this is more recent than it's not from what you've said it hasn't sounded like you've had a strained relationship your whole life which is harder to grapple with when it's like

a slower shift yeah and it and i know that she said like i would never like choose a man over my children but she already has yep like none of you have you or your sister haven't approved of him um and i think it's really big of you to say that um that him like he's always going to be in her life so it's better for her to be with someone that she wants to spend the rest of her life with than to choose her children um personally i wouldn't be able to do that um but i don't think my mom would never be in that type of situation but um but i just i don't i i'm i'm having a hard time with this question just because yeah well we have very different relationships with our parents But I think that's also the point.

Like, so for you, you can't imagine yourself saying that to your mom because let's say if your parents weren't together, you would love the person that your mom would pick. You would know that it's the right person for her if you and your sisters all got along with them, that it wouldn't be this choice in this divide. And the fact that there is this, the fact that like you, the caller saying, oh, I'm i'm not going to make her choose between her life partner or her or her kids she should choose her life partner means that this is the life partner that you expect for her this isn't it's not out of character this isn't like um oh no mom this is so unlike you this is like it's your subconscious

telling you this is who you see her with and this is like and i think also it's because you don't you know like where your mom's beliefs are and so you know if she chose her kids that would be that would be super emotionally draining for you because you guys do not agree at all on all of this stuff and it's super offensive and i think yeah i think also it gives you if you're even thinking about cutting a parent out of your life you should do it. Like in a, cause you don't come to that conclusion or that thought naturally. Like, it's not just like a spur of the moment kind of thing because it's so like taboo in society of like, especially like children cutting out their parents, like that whole thing. It's, it's not,

it's not super normalized at all. So if you're thinking it, you should do it because it's, you grapple with that internally so much more, or at least I did where I was like, Oh my God, Megan, you can't think that sort of thing. That's like, so like, that's so bad. And it took me a super long time, but it wasn't, it wasn't like a spur of the moment decision. So I think this, like the fact that you're even saying it out loud means you've thought about it a lot. And it's something that I, if I were you, I would do. And again, it doesn't have to be forever. If that feels really like hard and final and scary for you, especially if your siblings are all still a part of her life but then just see if you feel better like if you feel a lot better not having

that relationship in your life and you feel I mean obviously like feeling like sad and like you're missing out but not that you're missing her specifically you're missing like what you wish it was that's fine but if you can move forward from it and feel yeah feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders I think that's a good call but you don't have to also you don't have to tell her you're cutting her out you could just like not respond and talk to her for a couple months or just say like hey i just like need some space for a set amount of time you don't have to commit to anything yet slow ghosting yeah i mean that's how i did i was like let me uh back away i'm 22 i met this recently famous youtuber over instagram about two years

ago. He is 27. I kind of just replied to one of his stories and he messaged me back, added me on Snapchat. We were talking on Snapchat for a while. He eventually gave me his phone number. We became really good friends. We were both attracted to each other. Fast forward a year, we were talking on and off for a year. And then he flew me to meet him for the first time. and it was really great. We spent a couple days together. We, you know, did some other stuff and it was really great. I went back home, you know, we continued being friends, talking on and off. I definitely knew I was not the only girl in his life and like I was okay with that because I didn't really have feelings for him. I was just attracted to him. Fast forward, we've been friends

for over two years now. I wanted to see him one other time, and it was also great. We're still really good friends. We still talk like almost every day. We care about each other a lot. I mean, I would consider him one of my best friends. I know he's kind of calmed down on the amount of people that he's talking to, and I know there's still probably a few other people. Basically, I've developed these feelings for him, and I think that he knows, but I'm also not sure. I want to bring it up to him because, you know, I would be interested in, you know, pursuing something more with him, but I don't know if he's ready for that, even though he is older. So basically, I just need advice on if I should tell him that I have these feelings and risk our friendship because I don't want to lose him as a friend. He is one of my friends and I love our relationship, but I also, you know, it's been two years.

I want to know if something more could happen So I just don't know what to say to him Or how to bring it up to him Yeah, I love you guys Thank you Girl No, do not tell him I think she should

Because he's going to say no And then they can just end this whole thing All together Well, yes, that is why she shouldn't tell him It's because he's going to say no Yeah, it's true It's what do you need to hear yeah oh god i want to know who this is but at the same time it doesn't fucking matter

like it doesn't matter who it is but i still want to know i want to know but like bitches i am it could be anyone literally this is like oh my god it is just it's such a thing and i know that like we like in the in the episode where the girl who said she was dating like a an actor um this is like that times 100 times 10 million because they have more fan access because your whole platform is built around like interacting with your fans i can't even explain to you how many male youtubers that i know who have flown out girls to sleep with them like to the point like you're saying that you're like oh i know i'm not the only one like and i don't say this to like

make you feel shitty but i say this because like it's the truth he's it's not like he might be fine like him every weekend like it and like and then like there's a bench of 12 girls where he's at and there is there is like a certain kind of person who responds to a hot girl fan in their like it is yeah i know that there's the fanfic thing of like oh he like got with a fan and you can even say like oh it wasn't that big of a fan it was just like a it's it's not a good it's not not a good look for you the fan it is not a good look for him and he's being like he won't date that which sounds so fucked up to say but like I know guys who have like they would go out of their way to then download a dating app or see if they have a mutual friend and like not have it be like

oh this is a girl who like was a fan and slid it to my dms just because you he like sees it differently do you what i mean like it's like it's it's a power dynamic and if he's attracted to that that's like gross as fuck but even if you're talking and texting every day it's and you guys if it sounds shitty but if he wanted to date you he would date you and also if you had wanted to date him you would have like the fact that you're kind of realizing this two years down the road like it's just not it like it's either you tell him because you need to hear it and then be done or you just fucking bounce i don't even think you should be friends with him i don't think so either because the second he gets a girlfriend he's going to bounce the fuck out of your life yeah and he

will like he and he's he will get a girlfriend and then he will not speak to you ever again and he will have all these like posts with her and all of that sort of shit and yeah it's just like classic i also like yeah i hate to be that like super negative but he's also like not your friend it's not hard i'm like bad at texting but it's also not hard to like text a girl all like for a couple years if you're not and then you've seen her twice and it's a girl that you like like fucking and if maybe you guys are sending nudes or anything it's not yeah i just don't think i think that you're the way you value him and see him is not how he sees you which sucks to say but it's also just stay the fuck away from youtubers like just

yeah yeah i i think for her that she should tell him because if she doesn't she's always gonna wonder what if yeah so if she tells him and let's say you know he's like you know what i do want to settle down with you then good for you send us the link to your vlog channel that you created um but if he's like no i i just like what we have for now you're never going to be satisfied with that yeah so just leave it there's a there's one person i know it worked for i will make like a broad statement that i will stand behind straight dude youtubers no like it's just a hard fucking pass fucking forever like it is just not a thing um no like just no there's this ego that comes with it that is so fucking insane and also if from the previous episode

if that girl who was dating a semi-famous actor if they could go back and forth and see each other all the time and he could do a long-distance relationship that boy was prime time maybe we don't know but we don't know this fucking youtube boy can't he's not even quibby he's youtube he can't even fucking settle down like no it's a fuck no hard pass fuck no hard pass i need to know who it is i need to know who it is i can't i every youtube boy i knew oh my god i like it would be they slept like i they'd sleep with like six girls in a fucking weekend yeah even like the really like nice ones that i know that i like a lot they still were fucking everybody even fans or no fans they're just fucking everybody it's wild you know i've never hooked up with a youtuber

i've made out with one but i've never i've never slept with a youtuber you're all the way so wing woman i was i did have a couple where it would be like hey and i like like and i'm like no but here pivot my friend look at her and then i would like do that thing i was like uh but yeah no because i'm also again it's big leo energy i'm not gonna be i i am not the kind of i'm not gonna be one of your you're not gonna be on the bench no i'm gonna i'm gonna cast my bench like i it will be my bench and you will be invited onto it i don't want to be on yours i'm michael jordan and you can figure this other shit out but also just think of this as like a cool bucket list thing like you hooked up with a youtuber and it was fine it was fine i need to know who it is

and also just as like a uh disclaimer before uh we're hoping you'll tell us we won't obviously we won't share it on the podcast um but also just know i am not friends with any straight male youtubers so it won't there's no weirdness there if anything the only thing i'll be able to do is be like oh yeah they're fucking trash or like they're scum or they suck and i won't say that if you guys end up dating or anything like that but I would like to know and also if they live in LA 100% know them yep 100% and if they live if they live in LA they fucking suck like they suck so hard like so fucking hard we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls

hey megan and melissa i'm calling with the topic i know you guys don't talk about a lot but i know you both are super smart and i just wanted to see what you think so basically i'm 17 years old and i've always typically been attracted to men so when i became best friends with this girl two years older than me I always told myself that we were just really close and nothing more than just best friends we had been best friends for about a year like two years until I finally like oh that denial and she told me she had realized I was more than a friend to her as well about a year prior I mean she felt those feelings about a year prior needless to say we've been dating for six months, and I've never loved her more. Everything is new, though, and I'm still battling some

internalized homophobia I've obtained from being raised around a bunch of conservative white people in Texas. Side note, my girlfriend is Black, so that poses another issue. Anyways, I guess I'm calling you to see what you guys think about dealing with that deep homophobia. Like, I know I want to be in this relationship, and I'm attracted to her in every way, but I still have such a hard time telling people that I'm with a girl or something like I need to explain my sexuality to my loved ones when it's a work in progress even to me still I know I don't owe anyone an explanation but I don't know how to say that to people when they're obviously confused about it I usually end up just saying that I think guys are attractive and not girls typically

and that she's the only one kind of the exception I don't know my parents support me which I'm really grateful for but who don't at all they're very religious and closed-minded but they don't know that we're dating they really don't like me because they have a feeling that we are dating yeah and i don't know how to feel okay loving who i love in a place where very few people are open-minded and respectful of my choices any advice on dealing with conversations and homophobia would be great i know it's different than most calls but i respect and look up to you guys so much and i want to hear your wise words p.s i have a therapist and i'm a virgo anyways thank you so much i love you guys this is hard i mean like you said we don't have personal experience

with this and um we talked we like did a we talked about it on our facebook group where i like we asked people if they would want us to do more like queer centric content even though because we not that we stray away from it is we usually we actively choose to do those kinds of call these kinds of calls when we have a queer guest on but right now because it's just melissa and i but um we got a lot of responses of people saying like no we would love to hear like you guys like your side of it as long as and like we know that you're not like queer and like you guys know that too like not claiming to be a part of that kind of to know that story and like to know that that uh the struggle of coming out and everything like that so I think how I would I think growing up

with all of that talk and negative talk even if you didn't know your own sexuality until or you didn't know what who you were attracted to until you were a little bit older that could have also been a product of the fact that you knew it wasn't your parents weren't comfortable with it or uncomfortable that they didn't approve of it so a shot like not even just a shyness but a timidness around it it could be a lot of you suppressing a lot of your natural like feelings and emotions and who you are growing up so much that it kind of becomes like a trauma response like that your like you can't you you were never given like grace and permission to like flourish and be fully you and even and so you grew up you didn't grow up like doing that so then when you're asked to do

that as an adult even if like your parents aren't around all of everything that they've said or everything that you've been taught still exists in you and I think it makes a lot of I don't know I think it would we would all think well if I'm not around all of this toxic behavior all of this stuff I should be fine and it's not the case it's you have to treat how you view yourself because what they how your parents view things that end up being who you are it takes a toll on how you think and feel about yourself and I think you said you have a therapist so I hope you're talking to your therapist about that stuff because I think it's a lot of I think it's also kind of just time and that's what my therapist says in regards to like trauma response stuff is that if my response

to like a behavior that I had been dealing with for X amount of time, if I dealt with said behavior, let's say like 10 years, I'm not going to unlearn it in six months. I might unlearn it in 10 years. And that sucks. And it's not like I'm the next, it's not like the 10 years of which I've been learning it are just as bad as the 10 that you're like dealing with trauma and then snap suddenly on the 11th year you, you learn it. It's like a slow and steady kind of process. So I would really give yourself like give yourself that kind of like empathy to know that it's not how you feel because I think internalized homophobia I think again not a part of the queer community but I would assume that would also kind of feel like you feel guilty for feeling that because it's also

it's but it's not what you feel it's what you learned and what you knew so it's not like oh inside I'm homophobic it's oh I spent so many years learning this and thinking this one way I don't believe it, but that's what I was told to think. And it's really fucking hard to shake that. It's like being told that the sky is green and looking at it and be like, Oh, I know it's blue. Like, I know it's blue. I know it's blue. And then suddenly someone else saying like, Oh no, I know it's blue. And you're like, Oh, I know it's blue. And then being like, but I spent 10 years thinking it was green. Like, and I don't, I don't feel like that. Like I know what I know and how I feel is true. And I don't think there's anything like wrong with it, but it's, it's hard

to unlearn that kind of, it's like muscle memory. It's really hard to like unlearn that kind of behavior. And I think it's a, a smaller, like not a smaller version, but I think it's like a sector of the, if it's hysterical, it's historical thing. Like your body knows it, your mind knows it. And it's really easy to like jump back into that comfortable, familiar feeling, even though it's not comfortable. It's just, your brain has been there. It's like autopilot. It's like you, you know how to get to like the same, it's like, you're going to the grocery store, you know, you get the same grocery store. You don't have to think about it. And then one day you're going somewhere else and you're like oh I have to consciously make an effort and so I guess like

I would say surround yourself with as like like really like embrace the queer community even if you don't feel comfortable necessarily taking part in it but just consuming a ton of queer content and just following lots of queer people and seeing a lot of other proud queer people I think will show you a different I think you know obviously you know that there's like a different side and a whole different world in a different community but I think the more that you can surround yourself with that community versus the one that you grew up with I think it'll that will start to feel like home and that will start to feel normal for you and then if you talk to your queer friend like I don't know if your girlfriend has dealt with any of this or any other like friends that

you have who are queer who've dealt with this because I think it's I think it's so much more normal than people talk about like I have friends who came out and they like came out like so gay Like and their parents never like were super liberal, super embracing of it, never had any question. And they still like they felt like a societal shame and guilt and homophobia of that. And it's not even the house that they grew up in. So I think if you grew up in that sort of way, it's going to be it's going to be time. Yeah. Yeah. I had will have a gay friend and he's very, very masculine. and he had like, and he's only been, well, he said only been attracted to other gay guys that

are very masculine. And he had a problem with gay guys that were feminine. He's like, we're men. Why? Like, why do you need to act like a woman? These are his words. And he went to therapy, but to a therapist that was in the community to help work through those issues. So I think going to a therapist that's part of that community might help and have more insight than if you're I don't know if your therapist now is or isn't but um that special that specialty can help you get through those issues and I don't know if like the therapist that you're going to now are you talking about these things with them um yeah it might help having somebody that has a specific insight yeah and if you are talking to your therapist about that these issues and your therapist

it hasn't been super helpful and your therapist isn't a part of the queer community i would i would have a therapist who specializes and works and yeah it's a part of that i mean most of my friends i know who are queer who go to therapy actively sought out a queer like a therapist who's gonna who who has more expertise in that but also is an at like it is like understands personally that kind of like struggle aspect and not even not that it's a struggle but like the story and like the journey that you go through and everything just a little backstory I was in a relationship with a woman for three years and then we broke up we were broken up for probably two or three months I broke up with her um it was for the best and I started dating someone

that I worked with but kind of in different departments like we didn't directly work together it's not an issue I'm just rambling okay anyway we've been dating me and this guy have been dating for about four months and you know we have been intimate uh but it was both our first time like I don't know it's our first time together but it's I don't know but anyway it was his a lot of firsts for us and I feel like I went from being in like a very sexual relationship to being with someone who's super super respectful of my boundaries which I love but I think when it comes to like intimacy it's like too respectful and so we talked about it but I just wanted to like like we talked about it and I was like hey like if I don't like something like I will tell

you like because I'm very open and stuff like that but I think he's just nervous and it's really cute and I love it but also like I told him I'm like look is this like but I guess I'm just wondering like is this something that's going to come with like time and getting comfortable with each other and experience or like is there a better way I can like tell him what I want like sexually I guess it's not like a huge deal but yeah so if you have any guidance about it I hope I described it well enough I'm always watching and you guys are like we need more details I have so many questions and so I hope that I gave enough insight but um thank you guys so much and if I get on I will be really excited to hear what you guys have to say thanks oh my

god bitch you're so fucking cute like I love your like you just not just I don't know why I just feel like you're fucking cute um I so understand this dude I so understand this the first like I think like the first time moms and I hooked up I was like like it was great but I was just like maybe it was the first couple times yeah i'm like come on like swear to god it probably took him a year to call me a slut maybe even like like he only like even he'll do it now but for a long time i was like you know if like we're just like hanging around the house you can like smack my ass he was like what's like i don't want to like degrade you and i was like you can i'm giving you permission if it's consensual it's not degrading and i'm giving you permission to degrade me like

I'm saying like come on like this yeah and so I think you are correct in the fact that it will take some time um a hundred percent I think and the thing that works for me and or and now now we're at a point where I'm like I we're fine um but I what helped earlier on as opposed to saying I'll tell you if I'm not comfortable with something that's like there's too much you need to like put him in a box like give him a little bit of a box and you like give him some suggestions of things that you do like and things that you'd be into or then just have a conversation about it like beforehand or say like throw things and tell him you're like say these things that you'd be down for like hey I'm down if you like choke me in bed I'm down if you like smack my ass

like down if you call me a slut like all of that stuff and then you can say if you're not down and like say something that you wouldn't be down with like give him some parameters to like go in because if you just say, I'll tell you if I'm not comfortable with something for him, I'm sure he's like, I don't know. That's like freaking me out. There's so much like, he's like, does she want me to pee on her? Like, what is she like? I don't know. So you giving him some guidelines and specifics of things that you would like, and then something that is kind of a little bit too far. And then from there, ask him, be like, Hey, throw some things at me. And I'll tell you now if I'd be into that or not. And, uh, yeah, but I mean, I think this is sweet. And I think that

like i most of my friends who are in like long-term relationships they're like oh yeah like there's that stage of being like okay okay you can be like i literally had to tell like i had to tell him i was being like are you gonna are we gonna fuck dude like i mean like what's like why like he asked permission to you to kiss you so like yeah that shows that he's respectful but then yeah once once you are comfortable enough in that then you know gotta loosen up take the train wheels off and i think it's it's it's sweet though because it's funny because you're like oh on one hand this is really sweet and then you're like on the other hand like come on buddy so yeah i don't think i also don't think it's fair for you to compare it to your

relationship that you were in for two years saying that you were very sexual in that one you've got you just need some time to warm up hopefully yeah and uh i don't think it could be like a it could be a case of like sexual incompatibility but i don't think you'll know that until you guys are doing it more and then if he's like yeah no i'm not gonna do that like i don't want to do that i'm not into that and it's deal breaker stuff for you then you can be like okay this is not my jam but you said it wasn't that bad yeah so like yeah just see if you guys are in the long run can you be sexually compatible and if not then if it's a deal breaker if great nasty sex is um something that you need then you know this might not be the relationship

for you i do think you should ease him into it though like if you're like if you want i would i would honestly ease him to call me a slut thing because that's pretty hard like not that it's hard but like i would start with like a light hair pull like some at like like pick like what you would consider the most tame vanilla things ease him into it ease him fucking into it but don't not like trick him but just no no no just don't come out guns blazing if you're worried that it might not that he'll just that it might if it might intimidate him because you both should be comfortable and if he's not comfortable then that's not good either no no no no both of you should feel comfortable and if also and if he's comfortable with where things are at and like he

doesn't he doesn't want because I don't want to say like oh like he doesn't want to call me a slut he doesn't want to do any of that stuff and that's like that's that's fine that's totally his prerogative he doesn't just because you're attracted to that and that's what you're into it's more along the lines of if he's into it but feels a little like I don't want to yeah I don't want to be an ass like those are things that like I have been taught or hopefully have been taught not to degrade women and like now I'm in a situation where I'm supposed to like sexually degrade my girlfriend and like like yeah it's if he wants to do it too like not making sure that he's not feeling uncomfortable and not enjoying it either but yeah uh best of luck to you i want

i would love to know like what the examples are what's your kinks yeah what are your kinks i would like to know that but you did give a great amount of detail thank you thank you for being thorough yeah we love it we love a thorough call well do we have another one we have an update an update oh baby um this is an update from the last episode that nikki limo was on and um the girl original girl was in a relationship for five years and she had been faking orgasm so this is an update hi megan and melissa this is an update that you didn't really ask for but i'm giving it to you anyways i was on the episode with nikki limo and i was the girl who had been in a relationship for like five years and i had been faking an orgasm and i had a hard time pulling

out of it and like i was looking for advice and how i like nipped that in the butt so um i unintentionally took megan's advice and after yeah it would be it would have been six years next month i dumped him um he's just a really lazy unmotivated useless piece of shit so i'm over him but i will take it to my next relationship that this hell will never fake another orgasm ever again in my entire fucking life like absolutely not and it kind of just made me realize that like this is my chance to set a higher standard because the bar was too low with him and I'm feeling really good about it and I appreciate everything you said and like I thought about what Nikki said and had I cared enough about him I would have taken it but I feel

like after that I just really thought that he's not even someone that I want to invest any more time in so I broke up with him yeah six years so if you have anything to say on what I do with my life now that would be cool all right thanks bye i love your fucking life choices i you've got such a good like you've got not that we're gonna say there's a right and a wrong mindset but you you've got the right one like this like your bar was you were like the bar was too low i didn't care about him enough to invest in him yeah yeah which i think is so like so relatable like that make like i've done that we talk about even just like toxic friends in general i'm like oh my god i don't have i have zero desire i don't care about you enough to like try and make this work

so i think that is fucking amazing and i think this was like such a great like learning thing for you and i think you are gonna have who you end up with is going to blow your mind in bed yeah like you are going to accept nothing less than like the fucking best orgasms ever i'm so fucking excited for you too oh I have goosebumps I'm so stoked for you like this is just like such a good this is like such a good empowering mindset to be in and I think it's I think it's fucking amazing and this is so how you're gonna get really like what you want and what you deserve because you also know what you want and what you deserve and six years like five well five years you were together but that's a fucking long time yeah and it's a long time to like be with someone

who doesn't really care about the outcome of relations with you yeah like because that's what I said I'm thinking Nikki's call that I was like I don't know if I've ever faked an orgasm but also like I never had a guy ask if I came or like worried like until once and I were dating and I was like what you you care oh my god yeah I remember the first time a guy asked me and I was like oh yeah i mean i'm gonna keep working until i do but yeah i mean you didn't yeah it's no but yeah i mean thanks for like the thought yeah but this is great this is amazing i mean i feel like our advice is always like dump your boyfriend um but this is it doesn't always just mean like i don't know it doesn't it's not usually like it's never like dump him like we never say like

just dump him point blank unless he's terrible but it's usually like you know work through things if you want to work through them but she clearly did want to work through them yeah and i think that's awesome because i think a lot of the times we do it's so funny and i think it's it happens to women a lot that like we really want to work through things with people who are so clearly not working on them at all and like we want to do it enough to like for the both of us and I think it's such like an empowering thing to be like oh no I don't want to do this and then obviously there's issues that come up with every in any relationship but then when you're with someone who also wants to work on it as much as you do then you're like oh wow I don't have to

like carry this fucking weight of this entire relationship on my back yeah your back must be tired from carrying all this weight yeah that's that's the next thing what you asked what you should do next the next thing is to stretch out stretch out masturbate like get your fucking like get five years worth of like orgasms that you didn't get with him especially if this quarantine yeah like just be coming all the time like all the time like have there be an away message where anytime anyone texts you sorry coming like sorry masturbating like you just need like it needs to be like yo where's Becky oh sorry she's she's been masturbating for the last five hours like her vagina is fucking like her clit is numb that's where you need to be like that's what I need for

you yeah oh it's just gonna be so exciting I can't wait for like the first I don't know if you have hooked up with someone now but I can't wait because like you're definitely gonna don't think she has because we are on lockdown and she just calls oh true true true but I would think that like the first time you hook up with somebody and it's like even if it's like a if it's a one night saying whatever i just see you like fucking like call like i could i see you as like a teacher with a fucking powerpoint presentation like before we get into this you are going to do all of these things like you're gonna come in there being like with like a fucking football like a playbook like i like this is you're gonna call the shots and it's gonna be you're gonna be with these guys

who are like i'm so turned on by her like this is amazing it's gonna be fucking great yeah yeah i agree use this time to get to know your body some more and then be ready when the time comes so you can come i'm so excited this is great so happy for you so happy for you well is there anything else is that it for our episode well guys that is it for our episode if you want to be on an upcoming episode you can give us a call at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and um follow us on instagram get my book it's out you're not special wherever books are sold and uh audiobook melissa directed the audiobook so if you want such a good time listen to essentially like eight hours of the

podcast with just me talking yeah um give it a listen and what else there's an digital version yeah all that shit anything else no no no okay guys well we'll see you next time oh no there is one thing oh so a little update for our facebook group our private facebook group we are no longer accepting fake accounts and i know that sounds a lot sketchier than it really was but originally when we had talked about it melissa didn't even have a facebook and we were like if you make a facebook account just to be a part of the group go ahead but we have talked to all the members in the group and we also both agree that it needs to be secure and private and because the vast majority of people in there are using their real pictures their real names and all

of that stuff it's a sense of community and people have you look at the members of the group you you check if there's any like your friends are in there if someone's in there you don't want to like say anything to but you don't have that luxury if there are fake accounts and we understand that a lot of people wanted to apply or tried to get in or did get in that had to be kicked out who did have fake accounts because they didn't want other people to know that it was them but we have to grant that same privilege to everybody who is showing that it's them so they're consenting to be a part of a group and say things to knowing who's there but we can't it kind of it defeats the purpose of the group being private so if you uh have been kicked out of the group i am sorry

you can totally reapply with your name and a picture um and there are people who are in the group who changed their picture and like even some people are like i don't really have a lot of like actual photos of me so like it's one of like my family pet and like there's a big group shot so it's not necessarily specific who the person is but like you need to make your like it needs to be a real facebook like it needs to be like you need to it can't be something that was just created for this we need to verify there needs to be like oh this is where you were all of that stuff yeah so um and i think and if you and if that's not going to work for you on the facebook group then the podcast is a great place for you anonymous place yeah this is the anonymous place and um

it's like the different like there's the good place the bad place the medium place then the anonymous place and then our comments too so the youtube comments you can make like limitless youtube accounts and uh there's always like a good dialogue in the comments there so if you want to sound off on anything i think you'll get some great responses there that will also remain anonymous and not to like promote something that's not a part of us at all but just go to reddit like reddit has a ton of advice things that are purely anonymous yeah i have like got into reddit a lot recently not like for advice or anything but it's it's a great community that i feel like i can just talk about whatever things that i'm into without people knowing who i am so

yeah and that's just not this place yeah so um yeah okay sick sick dude okay and scene goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso