Don't Blame Me! - S5E26: My Boyfriend Is Ashamed That I’m a Sex Worker w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Not getting along with your quarantine roommate Hiding a green card marriage Telling your partner you don't want to have kids Boyfriend having pictures of your little sister Don't Blame Them: Boyfriend calling his friend his sister   Audio excerpt courtesy of Simon & Schuster Audio from YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL by Meghan Rienks, read by the author. Copyright © 2020 by Meghan Rienks. Used with by permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc.   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me in the quarantine you really can't you can't blame anything you can't we you can blame everything on the quarantine and you really can't blame us very true it is i feel it's i've got we've got a nice cushion to protect us in all of this i i do feel highly protected though weirdly enough in like the i don't know i might because i also because i don't have to interact with other humans i'm like this is great i never have to answer the door i'm all about it that's true too because like sometimes before like if you got a delivery or something they would insist that you come to the door and now it's like they just drop it and run yep well guys this is don't blame me

It's an advice podcast. If you're new here and you want to call in, the phone number is 310-694-0976. International listeners, you can send us an audio message to meganpodcast at gmail.com. What other things are going on? What else can we, do we have any other housekeeping shite? I don't believe so. You don't believe so? Are you watching Love Island yet?

I've got two Housewives franchises going right now. so new york new york and beverly hills are both on right now at the same time so and atlanta reunion which they're doing via skype it's been like the best reunion ever because andy has a mute button and then people are going harder than they usually go it's great wow i feel like i would enjoy that he is a cute baby he is a very cute baby oh this quarantine made me want a baby so bad like so bad because i'm also not getting my baby fix from mons's nephew hi megan melissa i'm gonna try this again and get to the point essentially i'm stranded in new york during quarantine due to a lot of unforeseen um circumstances prior to the pandemic fucking hitting um and i'm staying

with a friend of my own house and so i'm really grateful to be in that situation the only issue that i have is with her tenant that lives in the basement who is a 52 year old man um that has no friends has no life literally like don't know what he's doing here but also it's not my business so i could care less granted now we share the kitchen because he refuses to get himself a microwave and a mini fridge and all the things that you would get in a studio fucking apartment so he uses the kitchen all the time okay that's fine but one time I was having a conversation recently with a friend he overheard conversation and then went ahead the next day and tried to talk to me about said conversation mind you I was literally in the kitchen cooking with my headphones and listening

to your podcast and he had to scream to get my attention because clearly the headphones was not an indicator enough that I don't want to fucking talk to you so I take out my headphone I'm like what and he's just like oh I just overheard your conversation yesterday and I just wanted to talk to you about it and I was like I don't want to talk about this like completely thrown off guard because I'm just like how dare you like that is how dare you overhear my conversation that's personal between my friend and the thing that I want to talk to you about it when I've never given you any indication that that's a boundary that I want to cross so he went ahead and I put him back in my headphones he still kept trying to talk I had to turn around and be like dude I don't want

to talk about this and then he's like oh okay and my roommate i've heard him yell my name and she was like do you need me to say something to him i'm just like no don't say anything to him because i feel like i'm in a rock and a hard place right now like if he does anything like that like i'll say something but overall it's just been a trying time to live with someone so lacking in self awareness and i don't know what to do because there's no amount of conversation that needs to be had i don't want to give him that satisfaction since he's lonely and what he wants is a conversation and I don't need to give you that I don't owe you any anything at all you are a stranger to me so it's just frustrating and any advice you can give me on how to deal with this situation

would be much appreciated love you guys so much thank you I'm a character by the way and so is he so it makes it actually extra hilarious to me that he claims to be so self-aware when he's really fucking that okay all right love you bye you're from New York wow would never guess and everybody's gonna be like she's a cancer and it's like no she's a new york cancer she's a new york cancer they're a different breed oh my god girl i need you to take a deep breath i need you to get some weed and hit a joint like i i feel very bad for everybody who who uh do not have great connections with their drug dealers right now in cities that they don't have legal marijuana, but shit girl. Ooh, deep breaths. It's okay. Um, wow. That was a lot. I

mean, I think I, I totally understand where she's coming. Like I totally get where you're coming from because you do not owe this guy anything. And in my mind, I'm picturing kind of like a crusty old white man who like makes you uncomfortable I'm not picturing like a sweet I don't know like Steve Martin type so I think that like it's just figuring that there's a difference and I think you have to go with your gut and I don't want anyone who's I know that you said that he's lonely and that definitely tugs on my heartstrings and thinks like oh he just wants to have a conversation but I I'm I would assume if you have this like visceral kind of reaction to him it's a you know I mean like it's a vibe that you're getting from him that

feels icky and doesn't feel it feels like he's kind of crossing a boundary in a line as opposed to like a sweet it's like as opposed to like the old man from up or something like that where it's like very very harmless or you're just at your wits end and you're losing it and you just don't want to have a conversation with anybody so I think I would I don't know why you said to your exactly it's her place um also i want to start from like you saying he won't get like a hot plate or a microwave or whatever in a mini fridge but like if it was required of him to get that then it would have been in the lease agreement so if the roommate is allowing him to use it you can't like be mad at her or your friend is allowing him to use it you can't be mad at her you're the guest

in this situation it's her place he's renting from her he's paying money you're the guest so you can't be mad at him being around so yeah yeah and then going back to what you were saying like if he's going to or why you said that you wouldn't tell your friend to say anything it's her job like it's literally her place that's what she's supposed to do so if he's bothering you yeah you being the guest then your friend should go to him and and have the conversation about the boundaries you're inserting yourself into something that you shouldn't be doing yeah because i think even when you said like oh well if he says something again i'll say something but the issue also there is you're not paying rent like it's like again like you're saying it's it's your

friend's place you're staying there for the foreseeable future so it should be her mediating that situation so there isn't any tension between you guys because let's say that like it does blow up and it's shitty i don't know if you're the girl you're living with i don't know if she has any other source of income but this rent that that might be like she needs that and it's gonna be if it's him or you you might not win and who's gonna be able to stay so yeah i don't get why i don't know i i also think you you might you might want a little bit of the confrontation at this point because i think you've built up a frustration towards him and maybe the maybe the girl you're staying with maybe your friend has been kind of like venting to you about like and he like won't

get this and he won't do this and so you're feeling upset and frustrated on her behalf but that's also not your problem like that's her problem like if she's frustrated that he's using the kitchen she shouldn't let him use the kitchen like it's not it's not any of that sort of stuff and then i would say also uh just in general for this time i think the more that we can check our own feelings and reactions and everyone else's feelings and reactions to know that nobody knows really what they're doing and everybody's kind of dealing with stuff and they're dealing with it in a different way. So giving yourself that kind of grace when you react in a way that you're like, oh, wow,

I don't think that that was warranted or why am I feeling this way in the same way with other people? but if you feel uncomfortable and uneasy about him having access to said apartment and the set like the same and having like a shared space if that makes you feel like gut instinct like this feels really icky and bad and scary then i would if you're if your friend who you're living with if she's never had an issue and she doesn't have that feeling and she's okay with it i would see if you can stay with somebody else because i don't know unless this situation hasn't been working for her but if the situation hasn't been working for her that's also on she has legal

rights as a landlord and him that whole thing so that should be addressed in a different situation but there's also no shame and no harm of like realizing that this is not the ideal living situation for you and having it be an okay living situation for her and then finding somewhere else But also it is a hard time to find a different place to live. So maybe that means you you kind of paying attention or knowing when having a conversation with him first and saying, hey, what's the what's the schedule that you are like tend to be in the kitchen? Like I'm assuming it's a very small space. It's New York. And knowing when he like the time around the times that he's using the kitchen and then stay in your room or stay in a different place at that time and then go use the kitchen at different times to avoid him. But I think there you do kind of need to have a conversation with her, definitely, but maybe even with him to kind of find that out to make your lives work better together. Because I think right now you're at your wits end and I feel like this might be bad. Like, yeah, I feel like you are going to snap and that's not let's avoid snapping, you know, like we're all going to do it eventually.

but let's avoid it especially because you won't have anywhere to go so yeah and you're in new york and you're already on it yeah i also want to know for for you saying that like you hate it like you don't maybe he just talks so much and that's where you pick this up but like i was under the impression like through this that you're like i don't want to talk to him and he just keeps the fact that you know that he's a cancer that he like thinks he's very self-aware like what are these conversations like that's so weird like what are you like why are those the things you know about him like uh it's just odd and i also do wonder what the conversation you were having with your friend is because that would definitely determine the weirdness factor like if you were

talking about a tv show or a movie that he loves or like a play like a vacation or a trip or someplace he's always wanted to go or someplace that he's been or something like that but if you were talking about like sending nudes and he's like oh i want to talk about like yeah i think that there's but you can also trust your gut to know are you feeling annoyed by him because he's just pissing you off because you're just in this heightened sense of anxiety state or is he some creepy old like some creepy dude that you feel uneasy around and in that case get the fuck out right safely or just hide in your room all of those fucking weird but uh yeah um i would suggest i mean maybe some meditation i know megan you hate that but um you can't do it something that's

gonna calm you down actually every person i know who lives in new york meditates i don't know anyone who lives in new york who's not they have you have to it's a high stress time oh well stay safe stay healthy and stay out of the kitchen hi megan and melissa uh so i'm 24 and my husband's 29 we met in a very weird way uh i'm a canadian and he's an american uh we met because my mom had married a u.s citizen and my husband is my stepbrother's best friend. So we've been together for about two years. The first 10 months of our relationship was long distance because I was in Canada and I was going to university. After I graduated, I spent a summer with him in the US and we tried to figure out ways so we could stay together and

live together. Anyways, it got to the point where we ended up getting married so I could get a green card. No one knows we got married because we just did it through court and we promised each other we would do it the proper way when the time is more right. However, my American stepfamily is very close, and my husband made it clear he didn't want anyone knowing, because once you get married the traditional way, he doesn't want it to be talked about or anything. But I told my best friend that lives in America. She's my stepbrother's wife and also one of my husband's best friends in childhood. Her, my stepbrother, and my husband grew up together. I trust her a lot. I know she of my back and she's very loyal but I'm worried that one day it could get out. I know she has not

said anything yet and I told her right away after we got married about eight months ago. I mean she is keeping it from her husband right now and obviously tells me all the time she wishes we would just tell the two of them openly. My husband is big on trust and I know he knew I lied to him and told his friend about our marriage. He would be extremely upset with me for breaking his trust. So basically my question is to avoid anything coming out in the future should I tell him or should I just keep it under wraps and if he does find out how do I go about explaining it now this is a little weird but thanks for your help bye why don't you just get married for again I feel like that's the solution you guys are already

married um I think I don't know how trustworthy your friend is that is she's hiding it from her husband that is his his best best friend yeah i if you were gonna tell a friend in that situation like i would she that was the wrong for obviously you can't go back in time that is the wrong but like she is not your friend in this situation she is your husband's best friend's wife doesn't matter how close you guys are like that's that's the other relationship part so yeah i think that i i totally understand why you're worried and concerned um i would have told again i would have told a different friend a canadian friend maybe one that doesn't know any of these people yeah i mean i would just get married for real like they they've been married for eight you've

been married for eight months you said so that's like that's a good amount of time and you guys are planning on it's not like you got married for a green card and then there's no yeah you were together you're together like yeah it wasn't like you guys you did it to like stay in the country like you're literally your mom's here like you guys have been dating for a while you're married i don't i honestly don't see what the big deal is here like as far as why you guys you're keeping it secret i think it may maybe i mean my only really knowledge of um green card marriages is from the movie the proposal fantastic film so i don't know if maybe it's like oh he doesn't want to like maybe if he's more you know my least favorite word on this podcast traditional

and so maybe it's that or maybe it's that um and yet this is me my thought process like from watching the proposal so many times maybe it's that it's not if it's not a real if it's not like a wedding ceremony thing and you plan on getting married again it becomes pretty abundant that you got married for the green card the first time and the you don't want as many people to know um but yeah but also at the same time like i don't even necessarily think you have to get married like this could have been lots of people just get married at the courthouse in general like you don't have to have like a big whole wedding and so I think if that's what you guys want then do that now because eventually it is going to come out and if he doesn't want to I would be

more suspicious if you were like let's just say get married for real like I would be more suspicious from for him from him and also I it is a little rich I won't lie it is a little rich that he's saying that honesty is his big thing but he's being like yeah I think you need to tell him like immediately yeah i because it's gonna you're like we have to get married i told yeah and because it's gonna it's going to come out eventually and you want it to come from you and not from his best friend because then there's two more people that know or one more person that knows before he knows that you've told it's just a messy situation you have to tell him yeah and again it doesn't make sense to me that it's like it's an he

that you're afraid that he's going to be upset because honesty is a really big thing but also that should apply for everyone like it shouldn't just apply like like you he's asking you not to be honest with like your family and everybody like that so i don't i don't know i would i would first the first thing i would do is say like have a conversation with him about like you know what like i really hate keeping this from everybody like i don't think you have to tell him you told your best friend already but i think you might be you should but i would just say i hate keeping this from everybody this is like giving me so much anxiety like i don't i just like want to be able to like celebrate the fact that we're married and have this be something

that everybody knows and i want like my family to be there and i want your family and all of that stuff and like let's do it soon like let's do it like it's that kind of thing and then also you know what you could even fucking do you can blame it on the quarantine that's what i was gonna say you could do that and blame it on the quarantine also if you guys needed to find a way to live together to stay in the country and you're doing that actively won't everybody else just know that you got married like how else would you have done it yeah if everybody knows that you guys are like living together and they know especially because your mom married a canadian your mom married an american too i feel like everybody knows you guys are definitely married if you're like living

together and staying together past any of that green card kind of stuff so yeah but you can even just say that like quarantine like he can do like a quarantine proposal and like you guys can do say that you got court documents and you're getting like and then you'll do a real marriage once you guys are out of quarantine so you'll just have two another fake marriage you know before a big real one so you'll have two real marriages this little fake one that will cover up that you already had the like court ordered one or not court ordered but the that one courthouse one and then you'll have the party exactly yeah i feel like they have to know though i would think so too just get married just get married that's the that's the solution then nobody has to lie

anymore well should we go on to the next one oh everybody please ignore my trash the wi-fi was sucking so i opened the door if you're watching the video just close your eyes ignore the trash what's his chore not mine so basically I wanted some advice on my current relationship um I am 20 my boyfriend is 24 and we've been dating for about a year now and I am a sex worker cam girl stripper yada yada and with that my I I met my boyfriend through that he actually was buying content from me and that later blossomed into a whole relationship and then a few months into the relationship he actually told me that he didn't want me stripping which was a massive surprise to me because that's like how he met me and everything and then

we kind of got over that I kind of changed his mind and you know explained my lifestyle a little bit better and made him understand like how this all works and stuff and then now it's coming up that he doesn't want to go public with our relationship because he's afraid he'll lose friends over it which is just a massive shock to me and like I mean he's been hiding like the relationship for a while and I just thought it was because he wanted to take things slow now finding out that he's embarrassed of what I do and it it's just really like soul crushing you know um I also wanted to say that I'm a Cancer and he's a Libra which will probably answer a lot of questions right now um so yeah he doesn't really know what the fuck he wants and he's kind

of making up these excuses but I just wanted to see your guys's perspective on that and see if that reasoning is valid and that like just a perspective from somebody who isn't a sex worker because all of my friends are in the industry and they're they have a very you know specific mindset of like you know respect what I do we we deserve respect which we do but it's like I also see where he's coming from from his perspective as well so i just want to see what you guys thought of this throw the whole man away throw the whole fucking man away he yep toss him bundle him up and chuck him knocked over my mic and then i want you to drop kick the man away drop kick the man to fucking mars he's a piece of shit he's a fucking piece of shit i hate this dude and this

is that this is like a genre of dude of oh yeah i'm like gonna reap the benefits of sex work but like it's also like you know you don't get my respect like you're gross but like i'm still gonna participate but i like think that you're less than right nope that's not how it works first of all sex work then i'm sure whatever the fuck he's doing end of story second like he like you were saying he doesn't respect you at all like he so he just expects you know like you i guess he calls himself probably thinks that he's like saving you from this work but he wants her to be a whore in bed you know that he wants her to do what he wants you to like yeah turn all them fucking tricks of course and he's believing yeah and he's literally

like like i i i have like brought her from that and now she needs to get a real job he's a piece of shit and the thing is is even if you abided and did every all of that shit i can guarantee he would break up with you like which sounds it's not yep because that's not what he wants because he's in the fantasy like he has no respect for you at all and that's the issue the there's only one issue with i mean there's a lot of issues with like the regulation and like the safety and rights of sex work but the only issue of respect is the fact that the people who are reaping the benefits of sex work do not respect those women that's the fuck those are the fucked up people in the situation and he is one of them and you would think if somebody is

going to be an active participant in supporting someone who's a sex worker you would think that they are respectful and supportive of that and those those people exist and he is not one of those people and he's a piece of fucking shit and it i hate you i hate to hear you say that like you think his like feelings and reasons are valid they're not they're not they're not there's not not a single single part of them is valid literally at all at all and it's just if he had an issue with this is the also if he had an issue with sex work he wouldn't be participating in your sex work but he doesn't have an issue with sex work he has an issue with respecting sex workers that's his issue he's not looking at you like you're a human or someone who has value at all and that's so

fucked up and not what a relationship makes at all and again you'd think that someone who was a fan of yours like i he's 100 fetishizing you like it's he wants you to be like a yep like he and i this is like i'm not calling you this at all i'm just thinking in like the straight dude terms like he wants you to be like a slut just for him like only for me like this is what i want like i'm gonna get this girl that i like i was paying for her stuff and now i don't have to pay for it and now i'm getting all this special yeah like it's possessive and fucking gross like it is so fucking gross oh especially because he was a fan first it is now she's mine it has become like a i saw this i got it it is mine now nobody else can have it and you're a person you're not a thing

and you need to chuck the whole man away he's not even a man drop kick the boy away i hate him i hate him so much i hate him i hate him too and i hope that you find somebody that respects you and accepts you as you are because there are men out there i i literally say all the time that i think in an alternate universe in a different life i would be like a sex worker i'd be a cam girl like I just think I would love that and all of my friends are like yeah that's very much your vibe and I've asked mods like seriously I'm like if I ever decided I want to do it he's like oh 100% would support you like I would love that for you like if that's what you want to do totally go for it like and that's and sure it's a hypothetical question in this situation but it's a secure guy

is not going to be like this I don't know I don't know if my advice also is then maybe being a little bit more wary of fans like I think that that might make you put your guard down because again you assume that because they're supporting you they're supportive and like if they're paying for content or paying for whatever it doesn't mean that they like support you and I wonder if that was kind of like the fast track of the relationship that it kind of vetted him out and it felt like that I would I would yeah I think if you're gonna date someone who like knows you or you meet through your work i think i would be yeah just keep this in the back of your mind and extra cautious wary cognizant yeah okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back

okay guys we are back from our break and let's get into the rest of the calls um i'm 26 also a leo august 4th um my question is regarding what to do when dating somebody and telling them that you don't want kids. I, in the past, have recently only had like sexual or fuck buddy, friends with benefits type of relationships, so haven't been very good at dating life per se. So it's kind of a new thing to be able to take it slower and just kind of be bringing up topics and getting to know each other. um so my concern is that bringing it up too soon would freak somebody out like why are you talking

about kids but at the same time I don't want kids so and I actually can't have kids I got my tubes tied when I was 23 um I've always known that I haven't wanted kids I mean I when I was a teenager I kind of had the obvious like influences of like oh yeah you want kids right And you kind of just nod and smile and say, yeah, yeah, totally. But growing up and realizing what I want out of life, I said, kids are just not my future and I'm not going to change my mind. My concern is, though, I don't want to wait too long to tell somebody that I'm dating that I can't have kids and that I don't want kids because I don't want to leave them on. And I don't want, you know, because if that's a deal breaker for them, I don't want to, you know, have them obtain feelings for me and down the road be like, oh, hey, by the way, I don't want kids. And then just have that ultimately crush them and have this awful, you know, falling out.

Any advice I would really appreciate? Love the podcast. Just started listening. Actually, I listen during work all day, working from home during this awesome COVID. um but i really appreciate any advice thanks welcome um we have the same fucking birthday bitch what that's wild that is crazy i was gonna say i feel like kids are usually something you bring up on first dates for me um it's usually part of like the initial conversation so i don't think it's odd to bring it up during a first date no i don't think it's weird at all i think

the only thing that is that would put somebody off in uh again in a good way like the whole thing we talk about like oh i don't want to scare somebody off it's like no that's just it's a good thing yeah you're weeding them out because you know already like they're not the one for you yeah and their answers don't change on date one and date 100 like it's the same sort of reaction the same sort of thing but i think it's something that i would just bring up in like regards to family if you if you have like nieces or nephews or you have something where you're just like getting to know each other literally again it can be on the first date and talking about family stuff and you can say like oh my nieces nephews like they're really cute like i definitely don't

want any kids of my own but like they're those are the the only ones i love spending time with them but i can give them back yeah and so you can say it in a casual way like that but also on top of that you can even just say like like I don't like at the risk of being like really forward I just want to make sure that I'm honest with everybody I even go on a date with whether or not it like leads to anything more serious but I am not interested in having kids like if I like if my friends like who are single like going on dates it's like the first date the like guys that they were going out with were like hey I have no interest in settling down and having a girlfriend they'd be like great now I know and I'm not gonna waste my time and I don't think that

it's bad or weird at all and again like there's I hate the term there's a lid for every pot because also I lose pot like lids to pots all the time it's like Tupperware but truly you're gonna find somebody who is like oh I don't want kids at all either this makes me even more into you because we're so similar and compatible so I just think it might make it feel like rejection first or it might feel like a lot more right off the bat but that's just because you're weeding it out and you're not waiting so I think it's I think it's a lot better to say it sooner rather than later and then yeah oh and it's like the reverse too because it could be like you could you said that if you um you don't want to lead somebody on and then they like catch feelings for you and then

you tell him you don't want to have kids and then that's the end of it. But it could be the same thing of you get like really into this guy and he's like, I want to have kids and it's now it's on you. And so it's like, you should tell them sooner rather than later. Dating guys who are around your age or older. I think that's also, I wouldn't, I would like, if you're dating anyone a little bit younger than you, I would not bring it up in like a casual way. I wouldn't like be like hey i don't want because they might if you're dating a 22 year old guy like yeah i don't want kids for like a long time either but like down to fuck but if you're looking for a relationship i would yeah i think it's it's i think it's a good thing i think it's the same thing of knowing

if someone has kids or if someone has no desire to get married or someone's divorced like those are things like religion like yeah compatible that way those are i feel like those are basic questions and i think like most people are meeting people on dating apps as it is and that's a question that they ask yeah on all of them yeah do you want kids like true yeah maybe just add it to your profile if it's not if you're not on the dating apps that like have it as an option listed um i used to like when i was helping like friends with theirs and it was like people said that they didn't want kids and if my friend wanted kids we would swipe left on those people and be like oh know i'm not into that um so yeah and again if you're on other apps that don't have as an option

you can even just in your bio of being like i know i like uh something and you can even like make a like be like quippy funny joke about it of being like you can call me mommy but i don't want to be a mommy i kind of like yeah i think it could be funny so i wouldn't i really wouldn't stress too much um about it just stick to your guns too don't let anyone tell you that like oh maybe like if you wait around like who knows like as long as you're up front then if they get her tubes are tight no but that's what i mean though but if they get hurt later on the more up front you are then if they get hurt later on because you they chose to believe it they chose to like not really acknowledge it then that's on them and then that's not your problem very true but yeah

Best of luck. I hope you're masturbating a lot during this quarantine because not going on a lot of dates. I am. I've been with my boyfriend for five years, lived together for three years. I got drunk, logged into his email because half of me had a feeling something was wrong. When I logged in, I saw he had sent himself a picture of his ex's little sister to a new email I had never seen before. We are both 27, turning 28 this year. His ex is 28, and her little sister turned 21 this year. I log into this random email and find hundreds of pictures of women on it.

Nudes, nudes, his exes had sent him, and porn. But what really fucked with me was he had been sending himself pictures of his ex's little sister for five years. The pictures of her were screenshots of things she posted on Instagram. When I clicked on starred, they were pretty much all pictures of her. I also find out he has a fake Instagram account. When I logged in, it was porn pretty much. He had hundreds of pictures of these women saved on Instagram. No one I knew.

He followed a bunch of women who only post nudes, and they followed him back. No messages. Only one from this month with a girl offering to sell him nudes and him asking for a preview before he does, and nothing else. I confronted him, and he tells me he has a problem and that he knows it. He says he's been wanting to get help for a long time but didn't know how. He said he thinks he's a sex addict. i asked where he sent himself all these pictures from he said it was an old phone which i knew he had been taking with him to every house we moved to i kicked him out and i charged this phone when

he left and when i go on it i find an app that can hide photos when i click on it i found all these nudes from exes lots of porn and also screenshots of pictures that girls he knows have posted on snapchat and instagram i also found pictures of his ex's little sister he had taken back in 2015 when she was 16 and he was 23 he took a picture of her asleep fully clothed and one of her where she seems to be talking to him and he cropped his this picture so only her boobs are zoomed in i also found a picture of my little sister in there her picture was from 2017 and was a screenshot of something she posted on instagram all these pictures show cleavage but some of them don't all of this has me really fucked up he immediately saw a therapist after he left he

says he never masturbated to any of these pictures and just kept them his therapist said he technically is a sex addict even though he never acted on it and said this is the result of sexual abuse trauma he endured as a child he told her about the pictures of when the little sister was 16 and she said by law she can't report him because she was fully clothed in all of them she said he's not a pedophile he just hasn't dealt with trauma he has lived and this was his fucked up way of coping with what happened to him he hasn't been back since that night he opened up with me about the abuse hindered for years but i just feel like i kind of see everything and i don't know what to do i've known him since we were kids and we have at least together until december okay i know we

said drop kick the other man away this is oh oh throat chop him yeah then drop kick him and into a vat of boiling lava and uh i i i don't know how i feel about also this therapist either also is the therapist telling you this directly or is this information that your ex is funneling through oh this is just one of those things that i think you're you want our permission to be done with him and not be with him anymore and i think like there's probably a part of you that feels like i don't want i don't even know how to say but like now that you're knowing that oh there was sexual abuse in a childhood that you're that there's a part of you that maybe feels like you should forgive him and should feel bad and

should like empathize with him but you can feel shitty for the things that he's gone through and still be like i can't be with you and this was so grossly vastly inappropriate and i understand now that there are all these triggers and history with you and stuff that had happened to you and that really sucks but that doesn't make what happened okay with me and i'm done and that's what i think needs to be there because you can again you can i mean that's that's the cycle of abuse like abusers got abused so they abuse other people but you have to break that cycle and that's that's not that has nothing to do with you at all and it's not about you forgiving him and having him move like he needs to get his shit together and it has nothing to do with you

i also think like i don't know i i the the fact that there are pictures from like a 15 16 year old girl and like the therapist is saying like i can't report that because she's fully clothed and i just think that that to me is so i don't know like it's so unimportant in the scheme of things and for that to be one of the things that he tells you it's like that's like a an image and protection and like legal thing versus an emotional issue aspect of it like it just feels like it's like it to me it sounds like he's trying to get you back on these technicalities yeah and it's not okay and i just think you've got to cut him off completely yeah yeah and i get that you guys have a lease together but you kicked him out and yeah he can

continue paying his portion of the lease until it's done and then be done and I think you don't talk to him and you don't continue and I think again I don't believe in closure at all but I think that I think maybe for you knowing treating this as opposed to a reason why this happened so then you guys can move forward I think maybe this you knowing all the stuff that he said that his therapist said maybe this for you can be the closure that you know to then move on and be done with this relationship because you already were looking through his you know like that's the thing like there's other issues you're looking through his phone and you know that and I'm also like I also really hate the like oh I've been wanting to get help but I didn't and

I didn't know how to go about it but immediately after she kicks you out you immediately go to a therapy like it's just a little too much like and I understand if you are participating in like an addiction or something that you're like so deep in it or something that you don't want to be done like you don't want to actually be through with it and you want to keep going along and doing what you're doing but this is not this has been going on for so so so long and it's a huge part of like lying through your whole relationship and that's like that trust and he has pictures of your sister too that's yeah it's just gross it's just it doesn't i yeah and this is the other thing that like there is a huge correlation between sex of like sex like uh like sexual like rapists and

sexual offenders who have been sexually abused but there's a lot of people who've been sexually abused who then don't go around and abuse other people yeah and so it becomes less of an excuse and more of a oh okay we can tie this to this is what happened in this and this trauma and all of that but it's not it's not a guarantee it's not an automatic sort of thing and you can feel empathy for the things that he went through without wanting to continue and have your relationship with him and and want to move on from this because this is i i would not be able to i would have lost my mind yeah oh i'm sorry this sucks like that sucks like it already sucks when like you're looking through a significant other's phone because like you know you're

gonna find something because you're looking in the first place she wasn't just like looking through his like his actual phone but then his like burner phone i think that your gut instinct of breaking up and being done with him not seeing him not talking to him i think it's you have our permission if you're looking for that yeah oh he's a piece of shit piece of fucking shit ew i also think of that fucking pixelated if you're zooming in on these photos from 2015 i can't i can't and also i don't believe for a second you never masturbated to them not for one oh yeah yeah yeah we didn't bring that up of course he did like what so he's just looking at them and he's like oh that's cute no no and there's and even the fact that like

the fact that the therapy that to me i'm like there's no way either the therapist is a fucking crock or there's no way the therapist said that where i was like yes even though you haven't been masturbating to them it is still a sex addiction if i was a therapist i would be like you're fucking masturbating to them don't lie to me like do don't lie what what's the other purpose of you what's the purpose of you having these if you're not masturbating to them yeah be done boy bye boy fucking bye ladies trust your gut if you want to look through your man's phone fucking do it do it if you want if you have that like i have some i like i've got this inkling not because you're just like bored and be like that's how the girl found the furries

So I was just bored. But if you like have a suspicion and you have a hunch, fucking do it. Like you, it's, you're getting, you're thinking that and you're feeling that for a reason. And you're feeling it. You're thinking that and feeling that for a reason also because like you want to act on it. Like you want, like you want to know because then you want to have a conversation or you want to break up or you want to address it.

Like it's, it's not, you don't just do it and then you don't talk about it. Like that's not why. Okay. it is time for don't blame them and uh this one you guys give your own advice and what episode is this from this is from episode 21 of season 5 and um it was the original caller she uh was dealing with her boyfriend had this friend that he considered his unquote sister but they were very flirty and very un-sibling like yeah so here's somebody that's calling with similar experience hey megan and melissa i am calling for the don't blame them thing with in reference to

the girl whose um boyfriend is has a really close friend with a girl who he considers his sister um that same exact thing happened to me my um ex-boyfriend one of my ex-boyfriends we were dating for a pretty long time but like maybe three months into our relationship I met this girl that he worked with that he knew before we started dating and um I could tell that they were really good friends they were really close and I asked her about it because I realized that like she would stay after she was cut and her last table left um and just like stay and have a beer with him and like touch him in like weird ways or like laugh at all of his jokes and so i asked him about it i was like hey so like what's up with y'all like is there history that like with

y'all or something like that he's like oh no she's like my sister i was like okay so that made me feel a little bit better then he um quit that job went to another job got that job and then went back to the cook job where he knew my brother he considered his sister from and she's still working there and I asked him I was like hey is she still working there and he was like yeah she is we hit like we talked and stuff like that and I was like oh okay then after he started working there he started lying to me he started sneaking around and like not letting me you know he phoned or stuff like that like he normally would from the two years that we dated so um then like maybe a month after he started working at that place again he broke up with me because he cheated on me with her

so basically if you have a gut feeling because I had a gut feeling that something was going on between them if you have a gut feeling you're not crazy so like just no matter what go with your gut and trust yourself that's always what I do and what I decide to do so yeah that's basically my advice you're not crazy also you're not alone this happened to a lot of people so like you know it's hard but also trust your gut yeah okay bye i think that sums up pretty much yeah the whole show you're not crazy go with your gut you're not alone yeah i need everybody to stop saying am i being crazy you're not you're never you're never being fucking crazy and also like when you look at it like a third party

of being like am i being crazy like my boyfriend's fucking another girl and like i'm kind of pissed and it's like if if someone else said this like are you kidding of course yeah yeah this is wild i'm also it does make me rethink if leo and i should just not refer to each other as siblings like when he dates girls i'm like so like this is how they must i mean that we're not like that at literally at all they don't know that they don't know you guys but now i wonder i'm like maybe that like we i always thought that was the safest way to be like i come in peace like he's like my brother like she's like my sister and so now i'm like well maybe it's we're like cousins no that sounds like you in certain states you get it down uh yeah i mean

i mean she said it all it's go with your gut trust your gut always always always always and also if you're going for like advice to your friends pick the friend who's like kind of a bitch don't pick the friend who's so nice like i love sydney more than anything in the entire world she is the greatest person ever sydney is like who i will i mean i obviously tell her everything but like she's the she will support me no matter what i want ever like anything i do all the time she's gonna see the best in every situation because she also sees the best in people she's not a pessimist like she hates people but like she definitely is positive and gets along well with everybody and like super personable and i pick my like cuntiest bitchiest friends for advice

you're there you're you're on that list it's like and that's what you gotta do good god and i'm sure there are and like she said at the end of that like i'm sure we could have played so many more everyone's been through this where it's like no don't worry she's fine you're like feel like she's not fine i don't trust her little did she know she could not in fact trust yeah and him well that is it for our episode if you guys want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and um what else oh should we do another quick update if you guys are applying for our private facebook group if you do not have a public profile you cannot

join and that is yes we are admitting we are going back on our word but we surveyed everybody in the group and talked about it and everybody in the group 99.9 well now 100 of everybody in the group is using real facebook profiles and they've all agreed that it makes them feel more comfortable to have everybody else who's applying everybody needs to be on the same playing field because the reason why if you're private you don't want to see someone that you know in the group you don't want them to know it's you but the issue is is if you're private then everybody else they don't get that same benefit or that same luxury of knowing they don't know maybe it's their fucking boyfriend who's trying to join in this fake thing they can't know or the or the one

that's cheating with them exactly maybe it's that bitch yeah no not that bitch maybe it's because black bitch is good maybe it's her um that girl that girl that that one yeah anything else uh no no guys you can get my book if you haven't got it yet hell yeah if you want the audiobook too it's all available you're not special what oh should we throw to a clip why don't we listen to oh my god guys to the audiobook we'll get we got an exclusive because we know some people yeah we know some people we know some people who made this happen so um here's a here's a clip to uh force you guys to buy it not force you but like sway you give you a little taste give you a little taste i didn't have a big sister i could stay up late with and talk about

makeup boys parties and how sometimes i felt sad for no reason we're all trying to pretend that we have it all figured out the last thing i wanted to do was admit to my peers that i had doubts I'm writing this book because when I was 16 and falling in love for the first time, I wished I had an older sister to talk to about it. The same for the time when I was 17 and swore my heartbreak had left me beyond repair. For those times, I locked myself in my closet and cried until I wished I didn't exist anymore. I'm writing this to tell you that you're not alone in the thoughts you think. Somebody else has felt the way you feel right now at this very moment i'm here to tell you despite what you've been told your problems are not unique your

struggles have been a part of everybody else's life too and the battle you're fighting right now involves a bigger army than you know i hate to break it to you baby cakes but you're not special the upside is you're not alone wow that was so great leso wasn't that fantastic that was some good reading there oh my god just the sounds it's so it was beautifully done crisp beautifully crisp it feels like it might have been recorded in this room oh my gosh wow um so we have links all down below if you guys want to get my book and um also if you want to check uh where to get it wherever you are in the world i literally have links for every single country in the entire fucking world just go to my instagram they're linked there wow um well that's it guys we'll

see you next time oh follow us on instagram we're close to 10 000 don't blame me pod yay okay we'll See you guys next time. Goodbye. Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me. Executive produced by Melissa DeMonts. Camera operator Amanda Lechner. And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.