Don't Blame Me! - S6E10: We Grew Up In A Cult w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Telling dirty stories in bed Having trouble with penetrative sex Boyfriend needing to add a third person to the relationship Dealing with an unstable stepmom Don't Blame Them: boyfriend gaining weight   Never Sleep Alone Call Dr. Alex at 646-484-9371 and be part of the NSA Podcast! https://www.neversleepalone.com/nsa-podcast   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblamemepod  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa @sheisnotmelissa on Twitter: https://twitter.com/SheIsNotMelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out the YouTube channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9SMwL3ZgCUsD-yIDU_Zsqg/ Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me it's a sleepy one we are very tired so very very tired as you can probably tell i mean you look nice still i i truly look like i rolled out of bed i think you're getting the better version of me because it's a little darker on my computer when i'm seeing on my camera not the same no i feel all the time i like look at us like talking to each other over like zoom on the camera and i'm like oh i look cute and then i look at the other like oh gosh also i have things set on my zoom where it makes you look better you know did you know there's a setting on there what bitch hold on oh i'm like looking at the change oh my god i've got oh my god i'm so smooth it can't fix the zits on my like

you know and it's only for me because the people at home aren't gonna see this no but it's what's on the camera oh it's good for you too i feel beautiful i mean that's actually it's a that's a little that's a little much um yeah you guys aren't getting to experience but it's like you're seeing me raw unfiltered this is an advice podcast if you're new here um if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and um any housekeeping things anything new with you anything you'd like to share with the class

no i'm just enjoying life are you enjoying life what are you doing uh smiling more i was like are you frozen smiling more i was all very sarcastic oh oh i mean if anyone didn't catch that i know i'd be surprised um i'm not people that listen to this show surprise me every day it's true it's true every time we get a comment being like i just wish they would radiate more positivity and i'm like bitch never never ever i've never radiated positivity in my entire life never not once i am a pessimist i am a realist me and yeah see what i bring to the table is humor

i don't bring positivity i bring humor yeah i bring the dry sarcastic wit that 30 of the people like yeah hey 30 is more than zero yeah it's totally fine but yeah um i guess we can start with the episode let's do it let's get into it um hi megan melissa and possible guests so i have a question um i grew up very religious and um with a lot of guilt around sex and anything of the nature, so I am very shy when it comes to that. My fiancé, however, grew up very different and grew up in a very sex-positive house and everything like that, so it has been a little bit of a challenge to get, I mean, to figure out what works and what doesn't for us because I do not feel comfortable talking about sex very often um so the other night we got drunk and we

were just hanging out and we ended up having like a really long discussion about like a lot of stuff like how our communication needs to be better and just things like that like we just started opening up a lot more to each other and so while I was a little drunk and we opened the topic up I decided to ask like what do you like like about sex that I don't do like what would you like me to do because I've never asked that question because I feel so shy so embarrassed so he said that he likes it when he would like it if i could tell him about like when we're having sex if i could tell him about the past past experiences that i have had like he wants me to tell him about like people that i've fucked and i i told him that i want to be able to do that but i feel

too shy right now, but I'm curious on what are some tips or how to talk about it or how to make it sound hot, because I feel like when I almost, I was trying to do it, and I felt like I sounded weird and not hot, and, like, I was like, oh, one time, someone so, I don't know, I don't know, that's just, I just feel really awkward, and I don't know how to talk about that during sex, about past partners and make it sound good and hot

and anything else. So any of your advice would be very appreciated. Thank you so much. Once upon a time in sexy wood. I'm obsessed though. This is going to be like one time? It literally started like one time at band camp? I fully

feel that though. I think to be fair, I think it's pretty hard. I guess you guys weren't act you guys like weren't hooking up when he like suggested that or said that i think like the first thing i would do is have another conversation with him about it because that's the thing with like turn-ons and stuff like that i think or i find just in general most people start off like okay i'm into this and they don't like pile it on immediately they kind of like say what they're into and then like because it doesn't sound like your boyfriend's pressuring you at all

and I think that's the point of like okay I'm kind of saying this broad thing that I like and then you go and sit with it and you like think about it or you figure out how you feel about that and then I think from there you have another conversation with him like okay it's like what specifically would turn you on because I I mean I I'm I would be you're afraid of sounding awkward I would be afraid of being like am I gonna like make you not upset but kind of like how how far is too far like does he want to hear about you and these other experiences or do you want to hear like oh this other time that i was like choking on this like big fucking cock and he's like i think that's what he wants to hear and he might be a little bit into cooking oh i mean

i i'm assuming that's fully what it is yeah but i think that like yeah i think that i understand like the feeling sexy part but i think that i think it's easier to kind of be creative once you have parameters and I think like the same thing we said about talking dirty to somebody it's like the same same rules yeah and ask him for some examples and then from there you're like oh okay that kind of I could so he gave me this example which then could be like this and then could be like this and I could do all of that sort of stuff um but I think the parameters because this is something that you're not into and you've never thought of you need to be put in like some sort of box because like it is just kind of like creative write a story and

you're like what what do you mean but i think um i mean i i think once you have some examples from him uh good god i'm trying to how i'm i'm even trying to figure out how like because like truly i don't know how you started without saying so one time like like how do you start it i was at blah blah blah i was at the bank and as taylor said take your titties out let me put this deposit in for you yes oh because i think it's this is a different like i've i i love a good dirty talk this is a little different because you're also being asked to like tell a story yeah because it's not it's dirty talk it's dirty talk but it's not being present in what's happening at the current moment

and so you've got to focus on like having actual sex because what dirty talk is usually like what's happening in the moment or what you want but this is story time in bed and does he want it while you're fucking that's what it sounds like because i could see maybe maybe for your comfort if it starts off that like i'm i don't know if you guys are quarantining together but you can like text him like tell him like just over text and then kind of like believe that into like you guys having sex and having that be in the bedroom if that feels more comfortable to you because like yeah when do you when do you bring it up or also you can just ask him be like okay well when we're hooking up and you want me to do that will you tell me like he can be like hey tell me about the

like tell me about some time someone fucked you and then you're like responding as opposed to being like you're making out suddenly you're like one time like if he gives you like a prompt it's like dipsy but you're doing it yourself it's like mental porn yeah it's like what you in your it's like what you think about when you're like masturbating but then you have to say it out loud to another person while also and it's not about them yeah oh my god dude i hope you've got adderall if you have adhd because i would be i would i i don't i don't have adhd and i am don't think that i'd be able to concentrate because there's a lot of things you gotta concentrate on so like if i'm trying to get off like it seems like to me it seems like it's all mental stimulation for him

to get off and then like i'm not able to and he's not like focusing on my own sexual things unless what you're telling him in these past stories are things that you like done to you and then he's listening and being an active response the options are endless like i've never heard of this but this sounds this like i think this could be really hot i just think that like i think the more comfortable you get i'm yeah i mean i'll be like super honest i think if you're not comfortable talking about sex with your boyfriend like dirt this is like a form of dirty talk and this is also like you're not comfortable talking about your sex life with your boyfriend and then your boyfriend wants you to talk about your sex life with other people i think like a good practice

would be to get more comfortable talking about sex as a whole because i think that this is this is like being comfortable talking about sex and like make it sexy and like don't feel uncomfortable in that way and i think also if you feel really uncomfortable uh and like create those boundaries for you because i think if you were raised really religious and this is something that you really like have felt a lot of shame around and you don't like it can be hard to distinguish between okay well what is what is what i feel shame around and what is it just like and what is my history my upbringing and what is also just like me as an adult being like not my favorite thing like kind of makes me feel like I feel weird about it and that's also okay and like

you can create those boundaries for yourself while still like breaking down like the whatever like purity culture however you were raised you can break that down and that doesn't mean that there are no boundaries you're just creating new ones for you that are more applicable to like who you are as an adult so I think the more that you can talk with your boyfriend about sex and even your friends like talk about your like sex with your friends and and maybe even if it's like i don't know like maybe maybe listen to dipsy maybe listen to some sexy stories like get into that headspace and like surround and i mean you listen to our podcast which is very sex positive but if you seek out and consume sex positive content i think that will make you feel more confident in talking

about sex and therefore then talking about sex in a sexy manner and also are you comfortable doing this regardless like even if he's into it you guys have been dating for a while and if if this is if this isn't a deal breaker for him it's just like something that would turn him on if it's something you're also not comfortable with that's also okay like it's also okay if you're like i don't know like this doesn't and try it out that happens a lot you just try it out see if you enjoy it and if it's not good it's not good because if you're awkward doing it then he's not gonna want it anymore that's like the epitome of dirty talk where it's like i don't know i guess i'll try you try and you're like give give me the the pp daddy and it's like yeah

that didn't that didn't work yeah that didn't work at all best of luck talking sexy um would love an update let us know and if if you call back and like let us know if he gives you parameters i think we could be more helpful on the specifics I agree we love scripting dirty talk on to the next hello Megan and Melissa I'm 20 years old and I'm calling from India I've been with my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years and we have a problem in bed and we're all able to have sex as in penetration I've never done penetration with anyone before and this would be my first and his too we've been trying for almost as long as we've been dating but his dick is just not able to get inside even during fingering I can't get more than three fingers and we've even tried lube

I'm not sure if this is a medical issue or a psychological issue of me getting stressed out or too nervous but I come from quite a conservative space and I don't know who to approach about this my boyfriend is really sweet about all of this and says it doesn't really matter what we do till we have fun but I really want to experience this with him help with you I mean those are the two options it's either medical or it is a psychological problem i personally would go to a doc like go to a gynecologist first and see if it's uh a medic like if it's a physical medical problem because gynecologists a good gynecologist will also tell you if it's not a physical like medical thing they'll be like oh it's a psychological thing and then from there you can

seek out a therapist i have a friend um who had i'm not even sure what the exact correct term is but she had just like an extra extra thick hymen and had to get it medically broken but it was the same exact same experience like she could like get fingered but like not really that much and like all of this other stuff and it wasn't it wasn't like extremely i mean it wasn't like comfortable but it was more just like her being like it doesn't like work like it just doesn't work at all and went to the doctor and they just medically broke it and it was fine and everything's totally fine now but i've also had friends who it's the psychological aspect of it and then it's like oh you're nervous um and i think that like because you guys have tried for

so long if it is a psychological thing you just get into the habit like once something has gone the same way every single time your mind just takes you down that path it doesn't take you down the path of like it working because it's never worked before so like you're kind of it's riding a bike but like not the right way like it's just preconditioned to go the other direction neither her or her boyfriend have had penetrative sex before and with the fingering are you going straight for the fingering or are you preparing like are you getting wet like that would be my first question are you physically yourself getting turned on and wet so like take your time before the fingering even starts take your time um and that could help you relax if it's like a

psychological thing so maybe like do some massaging before before any type of penetration fingers included um i would like stick to just like arousal for like a good 30 minutes and see how your body responds to that um because i know like in the beginning a lot of people do just go straight for fingering because they don't know that you need time to finger fucking blasting you know you need time for your body to adjust especially if you haven't had any type of penetrative sex before yeah and lube is great and a total great thing but it also does not make up for like your body being aroused because like being wet is one part of your body being aroused but like it has to it's a hole like it's a hole it expands and things and

the more aroused like like you said being wet is just a part of it but like the more aroused you are then the more your body's gonna open up to be able to take anything the dick or a finger or even finger yeah and i also think the the prolonged foreplay and all of that stuff if you can kind of take out the end results as like just try as much as you can to kind of take that out because if the whole time for foreplay you're thinking about okay this is just a means to get to this and i need to be this this this and this your body and your mind aren't going to relax and that's that's like you you need both of those things to enjoy it so if you can just like enjoy it enjoy it i would also i don't know if he had like if you've if he's ever made you come from like any other thing but that

will like very much make your body relax and if you're able to get to that point without penetration like if you've had an orgasm without penetration if you guys have tried to then have penetrative sex after that like your body is so much more relaxed but if you've tried all of that stuff 100 go to a gynecologist like they hear that stuff all that like it's such a common thing they hear it all the time it's there's no like shame and weirdness of it and also they're not going to be like oh yeah no everything medically fine like that's just on you like they'll talk to you about the psychological implicate like the psychological effects that this could have hopefully she's not in the u.s so well fingers fingers crossed and if they don't then there's

a lot of like but yeah i've got i've got like high i mean i've got like high hopes for you this is so much more um common than people talk about on both sides of it so if anybody has any experience too and like wants to like talk about it in the comments that would be amazing i'm sure it'd be really helpful also we've recommended this a lot she comes first yes that's true we want to make sure he's not like disc jockeying on your clip hey megan and melissa i'm going to cut straight to the chase i'm a cisgender female i identify as straight aries sun pisces moon and also an empath i know i'm a mess my boyfriend of almost five years is a very virgo libra cusp but very very very virgo we're in our mid-20s quick background he's had a rough past and has the complete

opposite experience than me in almost every way but we both agree that our relationship is near perfect let me paint a quick picture of the issue so imagine you're in a bad place in 2016 and you meet this boy who's also not in a great place mentally um just in whatever situation that we're in and y'all start off as friends with benefits and then it becomes a full-blown four and a half year relationship monogamous so the issue is that since 2016 you've known from the very beginning that he's wanted a polyamorous relationship and that that's his deal breaker um so specifically two guys sorry two girls one guy um not in a misogynistic way but he's always seen himself with two but you have hardly agreed to it in 2016 thinking that he was joking and that you'd be able

to fulfill whatever he void he's missing from wanting a second and that you know maybe it was just like a fleeting thing so fast forward to now i don't know what the fuck to do because if i stay i'm going to have to live with the reality that we us me and him are going to have to be seeking another female to join our very serious relationship otherwise he will you know break up with me and then go and find somebody else who's okay with that because that is his deal breaker so i'm trying to have his kids before i'm 31 because we've already been together for like four and a half years and he hasn't proposed yet but marriage is in our future as we have already talked about it so i'm like what do i do because i can't see myself without him

so um do i like try this like i'm straight and i just don't know how this is gonna work okay yeah thanks okay bye fuck dude yeah i'm confused how if this is a deal breaker for him that you guys have been together monogamous for four and a half years i agree because i don't think i don't think that's fair to you at all i don't think it's fair to say oh i have a deal breaker and then four and a half years and it hasn't been broken that's the thing it's like it's as if he's saying it like oh no my deal breaker is like marriage like i have to like once i'm married this is going to kick in so like that's the thing i think it sounds like that's the part that's like weird to me because yes you agreed to it but like there isn't a third person

in your relationship yeah so and has he just said like now like oh yeah it's the time or i'm breaking up with you right and also like if you're going to be polyamorous like it should be mutually comfortable like you shouldn't have to change who you are to uh satiate somebody else's needs um and also as far as i know like polyamorous relationships they're like you said like it's a two-way street so like i would assume and i'm not educated on this uh from a personal experience at all and only like through like proxy of friends and also their experiences and everybody is but that like from my friends who've been in polyamorous relationships the the turn on is also your partner and that other like and like your your partner being into it too so you're not

being into it in my friends cases would have then be like oh this won't I'm not getting the status like it's not fulfilling what I want need because you're not into it and that's a part of it has he been in a poly relationship before and yeah i when it did he bring it up recently and he's like we're not getting married unless we start being polyamorous like i i don't understand yeah it just doesn't seem like considerate of it seems like he talked to this big game and then didn't follow through with any of it and then four and a half years later is like bringing it back up and yeah it's like it's like he had the when you guys were first starting your hookup he just had this idea in his head like it would be cool to be in a relationship and then you guys

got settled and it never came up again and now he's like we're four and a half years in and maybe he's like thinking like yeah i want to get married but like i want to try out this thing and see if it works before we actually get married or that you're like in like a relationship slump yeah you said you guys have like a near perfect relationship but if it isn't the relationship that you both had set up in your minds and how is it perfect yeah and i think the part that confuses me is like initially when you had said uh that like i was hoping i could fill whatever void it was like my initial reaction was like okay well that's not like that's that's so not how polyamorous relationships work but then when you had said that it had been just you two this whole time

and then him bringing that up and i was like oh of course you fucking feel like that because he's made like you were enough and this never came back up again and then now it's coming and it's like oh shit how can i what can i do how can i fix this and i don't think it's fair at all to put that out there and then i mean you agree again you you agreed to a hypothetical that never came to fruition and i think if this was a huge deal breaker for him how in the world can he expect to like how can he uphold the fact that it's a deal breaker if it if it if it didn't go into practice because truthfully you've i mean you've never been in a polyamorous relationship and you've never even been with a woman and that's the type of relationship you want

and he also doesn't he knows that and like you saying like yeah i could do that you're and then you guys don't put that into practice and then it's like okay well four and a half years later you guys put that into practice and you don't like it what's he gonna say like how does how did he have in good conscience and faith to be like okay cool yeah i'll date this girl for four and half years and take her word for it that like eventually whenever i decide that i want to do this that she's going to be totally game for it and it'll be fine because that to me also just is like it doesn't seem that he's i don't sound fucked up but he's like really caring about you in that sense because or protecting that your relationship with him because he's not like he

dove head first into something and never once yeah like just took your word for something and then never put into practice like it doesn't make sense to me it doesn't to me either i honestly think he's like might be getting a little like cold fetish for like marriage or something and then he brought this up as like a let's try this out type of yeah that's so oh my god i would be i would i would be like and all and i and i think and i'm sure that you would keep going back to like well i agreed to it like oh i agree like you agreed to a hypothetical four and a half years ago and then it never happened and it was just you guys hooking up at that point it wasn't even you guys in a relationship and and and then like from there if like right then he brought somebody else

into the relationship and you weren't into it you would have been able to dip without this all of these fucking feelings and the whole life you've built together yeah it just feels like kind of manipulative yeah okay we're gonna be right back after our break we're back Hi Megan and Melissa. I'm calling in because I have a relationship issue I could use some advice on. First, the background. I'm 29 years old and my pronouns are she, her. I've been with my spouse for 12 years and we've been married for eight. We got together as teenagers under some, well, unusual circumstances. We grew up in a cult. This led to us being raised with some very warped views

on gender roles, relationships, and sexuality. However, we were able to get out of that environment right after we got married and have been slowly healing and untangling the brainwashing we endured in our formative years. Our relationship has always been overall very loving and strong, especially considering the context we started in. We were each other's first for just about everything, and we broke all kinds of rules about being alone together and engaging in sexual activity before we were married. It wasn't until after the wedding that we were able to break free of the toxic environment we were in, and we now live over a thousand miles away from those people, including our families. So here's the issue. Back when we started dating, my partner and I both

confessed to each other that we watched porn and masturbated, which we felt terribly guilty about as it was absolutely against the rules we grew up with. We both stopped when we first started having sex together, but over the years we've been married, I now know that my partner has continued to masturbate to porn, even though we have always had sex regularly. This habit was a secret for me for a long time, but a few months ago, my partner confessed this habit as part of larger journey of being more open and vulnerable that we've been going on together our views on porn and masturbation and sex in general have drastically changed since we left the cult i even initiated watching porn together on and off of for a few months now i really want to

reframe it from a shame-filled saying to something we can enjoy together but i will admit that when they originally confessed to me that they had been continuing to watch porn and masturbate i was hurt we talked about it and i asked if they please come i asked that they please come to me first if they felt horny or at least let me know if it wasn't so that it wasn't a secret kind of thing they agreed and everything was good however last week it came out that they continued to still watch porn and masturbate behind my back it seems like this is mostly happening while i'm asleep or busy but the fact that they're doing this while i'm home instead of waiting or coming to me first to at least give me the opportunity to have sex with them really hurts i'm having a hard time

figuring out if this is a situation where my hurt feelings are warranted or if my upbringing is clouding my judgment and i'm just creating an unrealistic situation for my partner i know they feel terrible about hurting me and it's clear that the shame and guilt that we grew up with is still present for them about this we're trying to find a couple's therapist but it's been difficult to find someone suitable for various reasons i do plan on discussing this in therapy but if you have any advice for me on whether i'm being reasonable and if not how to quell the feelings of suspicion and jealousy i have about all this that would really help thanks what a fucking interesting like origin story i'm up i mean i'm not obsessed with cults i don't want to say that

like i romanticize them in kind of way but i also fuck what is the one that i grew up near what's the one remember the one that the netflix documentary where they all wore orange everybody's screaming in the comments unless they're listening to this yeah so i grew up right near that and like my parents knew people in that cult so like i and i mean my parents were not my parents i tell my dad definitely could have had a cult like i was like are you sure you were never in a cult and he was like well i would have run one but i didn't but so i have been so informed about cults like my whole life because when you grow up near one and like families are being like yo when you see this yeah so i've always been so fascinated by them

um first of all so happy for you guys that you were able for both of you that you were able to get out of this and have a great relationship and move away from all of that i'm so sorry that you've got family who are still a part of it that are not in your life and all of the stuff that you've had to deal with coming out of it but it's such like a huge accomplishment to break away from that kind of psychological manipulation um this is tough because i think i never want to say someone's feelings aren't valid at all and especially when it comes to people who have like shame and jealousy when it comes to porn our advice usually is first talk to your partner and ask them if they would be okay like letting you know when they're going to like and then giving

you the opportunity to have sex with them and you've already done that with your partner and they've still kind of gone behind your back to do it and i think the thing and the question is here i don't want to tell you how you feel i think i think the thing that might be what you're dealing with and the emotion might be a more along the lines of the hiding it and 100 when you hide something it means and it it yeah it means that there's something to hide and that can feel odd especially when you're both on this journey to like not have shame around sex and all of this stuff and then you asking to keep the line of communication open and like talk to like talk to me about it when you're going to go do that and then they're not and then that makes

you think okay they're not talking about it and they said they were going to when they do that so then they're not doing that and then they're still going behind your back and doing it i my if i was going to make like a grand assumption is that maybe the content the specific content of the porn that your partner is watching they're feeling shame around the kind of porn that they're watching and that maybe it's maybe it's not super vanilla and it's something that they they are unpacking their own shame when it comes to sex and masturbating but maybe this feels like too big of a mountain to unpack and it feels like a them problem like oh this is on me i'm ashamed not be not just because i'm like i'm already ashamed uh and working through like masturbating and all of

that but i'm even more ashamed because like what turns me on or what i'm into in this way and i think if you can reframe it in the conversation with them of being like i'm i like we're both working through this this journey of unlearning what everything we learned about sex growing up and I know I had previously said that I would love if you can include me in it there are some things that like I think that's like it's a great idea to have your partner include you in masturbation but also sometimes like you just want to do it by yourself and solo and that doesn't mean that they're choosing that over you. And I think if you can then, if there can be more of an open conversation about like, okay, well, what kind of, like, why, why do you not feel comfortable

talking to me about it? Like, what is, what is, what is all of the stuff there behind that? And then let them know that what, what has hurt my feelings is we're already unlearning all of this stuff and now you're hiding this still and that makes me worried like what is it because and like what else could he be hiding exactly and like it is indicative to like a bigger issue and that becomes something and people in general will in relationships hide things to spare someone's feelings but hiding that doesn't spare your feelings and if you say if i know what it is then I can, if I'm informed, I can make decisions. And if I'm not informed, my mind is going to go a million miles per minute and I'm going to come up with the worst case scenario, all of this sort

of stuff. And it sends you into a spiral. So if you can have the information and be informed, then you can process it. But if you don't have it, it's not helping you at all. I think that the fact that they are hiding it is what is upsetting you the most because you don't know what is going on in their, like I said before, what else they might be hiding or lying about. um yeah i think it's it's just figuring out like megan said talking to to them about um what why they feel like they need to hide it yeah yeah i think a therapist would be also great and i would say books too i know that you said that it was hard to find a therapist for like various reasons i mean you've got cults you've got escaping this cult you've got sexual yeah why can't i find yeah but sexual shame sex shame that's that's what i was looking for and

i'm sure there's other parts of your life that you didn't like disclose in the call that make it difficult so i would also urge um books and and trying to take in as much content as you can from like sex positive sort of things support groups too maybe like there's like support groups for people that have escaped cults and i think you might need to kind of scrapbook it all together like i don't know if you're going to find a book about escaping a cult and like sex shame and masturbation and porn and i think if you can seek out like uplifting empowering and positive sex positive sources along with like leaving cult sources i think you can put together your own like library of really helpful information yeah yeah and as long as your partner's being honest

with you i think that'll make it a lot easier because that's the whole thing when you're questioning like oh are my feelings valid to me that just screams that like you don't have enough information to know any like to be like are my feelings like what the fuck am i like it's just yeah you don't have enough to go off of to kind of recognize or like pinpoint your feelings either yeah honesty is the best policy on to the next hey um megan melissa and central yes so this is really freaking nuts but um my fiance has his dad and his stepmom who are absolutely insane when we first got together my fiance was going through all this stuff with him trying to get his dad out of his out of their house because the stepmom was trying to poison

him and kill him um while he was going through radiation for cancer treatment and i mean i had heard she was crazy but i really hadn't been around for that much until this recent Christmas um which that I got a new computer and I just was setting everything up at their house um I didn't get the computer from them I got it from my parents but I was setting everything up at their house and somehow she got in her head that I hacked all her information and I was using it to spy on her and her husband and her boyfriend because she has a boyfriend, too, that she has an apartment with. But anyway, and she tells my fiancé's dad about that.

And he, I don't know if he believed it or not, but he called my fiancé and he said, Hey, I just want you to know she thinks that your fiancé, me, She thinks that I'm hacking her and I'm looking at all of her information and she doesn't want her around anymore, which I was like, whatever. and then a few weeks later she calls me the stepmom calls me and tells me how her niece who actually I'm good friends with um said that I was fat ugly rude mean piece of trash all this stuff which I was like there's no way like I'm friends with her so I called we got off the phone I called the cousin the cousin starts laughing and she was like I wasn't gonna say anything but a couple weeks ago she called me and said that you told me I was disgusting I hated you like I never want to

talk to you again and everything like that and so then I called the stepmom and I said hey I just think this is really odd and I was like really being really nice but I was just like hey I think this is really odd and she just says oh my gosh baby we need to talk about this we need to love on each other and now my fiance wants to go and have a sit down i don't really want to but it's his dad and his dad has cancer and it's about to die so i feel really bad so please let me know how to go about this situation oh my god thank you guys so much i fucking love y'all i mean this she's unstable yeah she's dealing with some this is yeah these are mental health issues um i mean truthfully i i would have a sit down and talk i think what's also really important is i

would collect all of the stuff that you have and i would sit down with your boyfriend in a really like loving way explain that the stuff that she is doing and the things that she said have are indicative of a bigger mental health issue and if she is if she is the like so like and figure out where she lies and what she's gonna get in his dad's will and if she has control over his true his stuff and not that she shouldn't get anything but more along the lines of she tried to kill him though that's what i mean but i mean in the sense that like if there's a way that like and because like if you're if his dad if he like that's not like completely if he's still so in love with her and like this is let's not ruin the last however long he has left on

earth it's about making him like happy and comfortable but also making sure that she doesn't have the power to do anything that her that her husband like his your boyfriend's dad is not comfortable with and that she wouldn't have control over like family heirlooms and childhood things that your boyfriend and like his if he has siblings or the rest of the family has like a sentimental like response to that whatever she's getting if she's getting anything in the will is something that they're comfortable with and i think it's really really really really really hard for people who um like your your boyfriend he doesn't he doesn't and maybe he he knows that this woman is not all there but truthfully i'm i would assume too he doesn't want to believe that

she's absolutely awful because then that that's scary that's scary to think that at the end of your dad's life and all of this sort of stuff that like things haven't gotten better and she's got all this kind of stuff and he might just want to kind of power through and not really think about it in that sense and kind of trying because it sounds like this meeting with her is to tie up loose ends and is to kind of like get you guys on the same and have there be no animosity between you and her and i think what it needs to be is like and then have talk to him about it and be like okay i can do that i can be pleasant we can say that there's no animosity between me and her but i we need to make sure that your dad's protected and like your family stuff is protected

because i will do that i will adhere by pleasantries for the sake of your dad and for the sake of you but this isn't a her disagreeing and not getting along well with me thing like this is something that we've already seen us like seeped into like your dad's well-being and we need to make sure that he is protected for the rest of however long he has left and that his possessions his like heirlooms legacy is also protected from her yeah yeah oh what what an odd situation with the poisoning like why was it happening one and then two why is she still around if she was trying to poison the dad and then also what did she think you were spying on her for i mean i think she's she's fully sounds just like that's it's paranoia i am curious though about

the poisoning thing in the sense that like how did you guys find out what was it yeah how was she doing it like how is it still around because she takes care of your dad but like also she was trying to get rid of him so like like you were talking about the will like what does what is she getting in the will and why didn't it work like how did i mean usually when people are poisoning somebody they do a little bit at a time so then you can't trace it back yeah that's true and then yeah i'm i'm but i'm also curious if it was definitive that she was doing it because like if she's still in the picture how like how like how if this was something that you guys it was a fact that she was doing it you know it like how i i'm just

curious how yeah and why yeah oh but i mean just not press unless it's a thing where the dad just doesn't have that long left and he wants her in life like does he know that's i would it makes me think that no that he might not know but at the end of the day i think if you can treat her like if you can just give her like a wide fucking birth and just like don't treat her and i say this is someone with mental health problems but like you need to treat her like somebody who is untreated and undiagnosed with a lot of other issues that like have nothing to do with you and you're getting roped into them and she's pulling you into it but it really has nothing to do with you as a person and if you can kind of take a step back and look at that bigger picture

of it um just make sure that she's not manipulating you when you have a sit-down meeting yeah and i would just appease her and like just kind of like to be like okay yeah i can agree like i don't think it's worth a fight with her because she does sound like she's paranoid and she's not thinking or speaking or doing things rationally and i don't think that there's anything you could say that would get through to her i think it's just about ask your boyfriend like what do you want out of this how do you want me how do you what do you want this end conclusion to be and i will do that yeah good god that's insane but um man i would we would love to have an update on this and let us know um and yeah do some meditating before you have that sit down with

her you can do martyr megan which is what it was called and i would just be agreeable how awesome what is that no it's just me being agreeable it's hard to imagine yeah i don't do that anymore um well tits do we have another one or is it don't blame them okay what episode is this one from this is someone responding to a call from season six episode six where the original caller called in about wanting her boyfriend to lose weight because he had a dad bod yeah remember that i remember that hi megan and melissa i'm calling about the episode where caller's boyfriend had gained weight and I just wanted to throw in my opinion having been in a similar situation except the reverse so when my ex and I started dating I was 17 and he was 19

I'm 21 now but we were both in pretty good shape but over the first year of our relationship we both gained quite a bit of weight I never said anything to him because it didn't really matter to me but he would bring up how chubby I had gotten fairly often so I started working out and I got back into shape probably the best shape I'd ever been in but it didn't solve anything in our relationship because then he'd say that he liked me better when before I had started working out the thing is it was never really about my weight which is why I didn't fix anything in our relationship. It was because he had this idealized version of who he wanted me to be in his head. And as our relationship progressed and I didn't fall in line with what he had in

his head, it was just easier for him to blame his lack of attraction to me on my size rather than admit that he just didn't like me or my personality. And just by the way the caller spoke, it sounds very similar to how he spoke. So I feel like this is a similar situation and they just need to end the relationship and uh the caller needs to reevaluate what she wants in a partner beyond just looks um thanks love the podcast and i'm over a girl by the way thanks bye well okay you did not um say the most important part of this is that your ex-boyfriend is trash like i think she's moved past that oh yeah no she yeah this isn't involved you are like a you are like you are an iphone x you are fucking you are so evolved um but yeah it's it is such a

god i can't even like but like imagine hearing that from a partner and then taking it working out losing weight and then like oh my god yeah it's just a a mental thing it's a mental game that somebody plays when they're not happy with themselves or in the relationship and so they try to pick out something that they know that you're sensitive about or something that may be perceived as a flaw and then go after it because he knew that in this situation he knew that whatever he said to you pertaining to your weight was going to affect you because he said he liked you and he was making fun of you or picking on you about when you gained weight and then when you lost the weight then he still wasn't happy it's just like something that

he knew that he could use to manipulate you yeah it's a control thing it's like um it's also like i also think that like thinking on it more it's also just kind of some like weird god complex too yeah like so like i can control what she thinks about what she looks like so i say that i liked her better when she had a little bit more weight on her but she goes and um gains weight and then um when she gains weight so that she that you liked her better when she was smaller so it's it's just a game that people that aren't happy with themselves are going to play so i'm glad that you broke the cycle and realized that you'd never make him happy and it's not your job to make him happy anyway

and no one no one will make a person who has that mindset no one will make them happy and it's not like a oh i'm not the right person for them they're it's a them issue and like it's not there's nobody it's not like oh okay well they're better suited for somebody else it's like no they're gonna they have to figure they have to fix their own shit or they're gonna go through this in every every fucking relationship yeah oh i was very happy though to see um a lot of comments and like response from that episode of people who were uh i mean obviously the ones people who were like we love when people agree with us it's great um but the ones that like really like made me feel really great were the people who were like i've definitely like been

not to this extent but guilty of kind of saying things and not realizing how they might come across to my partner and like i do value their like i value them as for who they are and like i'm putting my own insecurities on them about like my own like body image issues or i have never really thought about like ableism and like health as like i've always thought of it like this this thing that you have to do this to be healthy and all of these sort of things and that like health is i never thought of health as a privilege and people who've like one one person had i think either messaged or commented or said something maybe it was on the facebook group that they then had like a conversation with like their boyfriend and was like i just like want to

apologize like i want to like let you know how much i love you and like i didn't realize that these things that i said like when i heard someone else say something to a far bigger extreme like i realized like how fucking awful that is and it was that made me so happy because it's such a yeah i don't think people really think of like how inundated especially like body shaming is in like our society that like it's so normalized that we don't think of it as shaming because like it's just kind of the norm um and i did also laugh at uh the people who like were siding with her i've like found this subset of people like when people get upset about something like that um it's because they have that belief because that's you and you feel attacked and

threatened and i've had that when i like put someone on blah i didn't even put them fully on blast i didn't show their username but someone who like wouldn't apologize like i had asked for an apology for some for force for something over a dm and i had posted it to my story because it was just like a saga that went on for a whole fucking like day and a half um and they said i'm sorry if you felt like i was attacking you and i posted it and i was like with like the link of being like how to apologize and people were like they did say sorry and i was like oh i feel fucking bad for your friends because that's how you apologize you can't have a qualifier when you make an apology because it means that you don't actually believe it but when it comes to this

kind of stuff and then people get like so upset like very much like upset upset and i think that like there are things that like there are certain like topics uh or calls that we have that are like definitely more divisive but there are things that like are not our opinion they're just like fact like like racism like that's just like a fact and if you're feeling attacked or threatened like or by any of that sort of stuff that's like take that for a minute to fucking reflect and the villains don't need you to sympathize with them no and it's also it just kills me when people call in and they say things like or not call in they never call in to say this but it's when the people that comment and they're like um saying things that they like they how they don't agree

with us and we need to be like nicer blah blah and i'm just like people are calling in for our opinion we're not here to give a blanket statement about anything they want to hear specifically what we think and it's never the people that are calling in that get angry with us it's other people some of the calls that we've had where we've gone fucking in we get the most messages afterwards of being like that's what i needed to hear and also that's why they call they call us because if they just wanted to hear a blanket statement they'd go ask a friend and also i would say i we've had some people who've like compared older episodes advice we've given that's been like similar um and there's definitely like this whole it's an involvement and like a journey for like us

going through all of this and there's like things like when i forget what episode it was but like talking about like stds and i referred to them as like clean versus dirty and you were like you corrected me on it and I was like oh cool so like we shift our not our stances but like we shift like we we we get educated we learn more but I would also urge people too that like the same thing you said it ties back to the blanket statement like every single call is different like every single call so we had a call little like nuances that make it different for what kind of advice we had a call I forget who it was uh with Lindsay I think from the almost was like 30 podcasts and it was like somewhat similar like this girl uh her boyfriend had

gained weight but like i listened to the calls back to back after someone commented and that's why we also use phone calls because you can tell in someone's inflection and their voice and their tone and the specific words that they're saying like it's not all a topic we're not giving advice on a topic we're giving advice on like a specific instance circumstance yeah but um i don't know it also made me happy to see um that people um i mean i also again like i said i love when people would agree with us but i also really like when um someone can feel seen in a call and then go to the comments and it's also reflected and it's not just us saying one thing and everybody else like disagreeing in the comments as like we're advocating for like like body positivity body

neutrality like not like not body shaming and it made me happy to be like to see that that was also reflected in the comments for people who felt seen and empowered as everyone should be so it's a good it's a good good fucking time yeah but yeah i guess that's it for our episode if you guys want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and follow us on instagram um also everybody i was just about to say everybody's to follow us on twitter she's back on her twitter game and she is back strong everybody um please follow it is like you're always obviously an aquarius but if you've ever wanted to see an aquarius in their

element find the aquarius on twitter like it is just like it is it is it makes me laugh so hard and i just i live for it um we're also on instagram if you want to follow the podcast on instagram and our own individual instagrams what show would you like to promote from your podcast catalog um so i have a new podcast that should be coming out really really soon um it's called never sleep alone with dr alex schiller not a real doctor um it's all about sex sex sex sex so we've had we had an episode about anal that's so big and long that we broke it into two episodes and what megan just if you're watching the video what she just did we have an expert on that in the uh second episode uh in the second uh anal episode we've got an episode on

female orgasm we've got one on non-monogamy so uh just think about like the sex calls that we have here but we bring experts on doctors and people that work in like the sex entertainment industry and just people that have uh experience also we have this thing called the spank bank where people we have a few people that uh have just called in and told us about their experience of calls and they get to listen to the episode live and then contribute to the conversation so that's a good time i love that and um we had actually there's been a couple people that listened to this show that have been in the spank bank so thank you guys for participating fucking here for it but where how can they go what's the so you just link it in the show notes

yeah i can link it in the show notes um and then you can follow um never sleep alone on instagram and we've got like the phone number and everything on that instagram hell yeah yeah um is that it that's by my book by my presets wait what day does this episode come out do we know or what month it's not this monday but the monday after that so it will be is it almost like is it my day before my birthday the third not this oh my god it is tomorrow is my birthday everybody um i'm gonna need so much attention and like because i'm a leo and i'm celebrating it in quarantine and it's just not a good time so if you guys could you know send me nice birthday messages tell me i'm great we're like better off than we were last year though because of oh my god your seizure

oh my god how insane is it that in the middle of a fucking pandemic i am still have better footing than i did last year for my birthday wow that is such a good way to look at it i never even thought about it i mean last year we were like planning to go to disneyland now disneyland is just like corona like if they could have like random breakouts of random diseases that should be cured by now all the time so why do they think that coronavirus is like the time where they should be living it up at disneyland also you have to like socially distant have you seen the pictures and videos of people like online socially distance and also not just that but now they're not if you're gonna eat you can't walk around eating you have to sit down and eat like why why it's not

that that does not make for the happiest place on earth just sit your ass at home put on one of those roller coaster videos on youtube you can watch all the you can watch disney plus like stay your ass at home that's that's all i gotta say it's like going to disneyland in the middle middle of a zombie apocalypse i'm like it's not the same like just just stay just wait like you want to be like you want to look like you're in the beginning of a final destination movie actually i've never seen those but like you're in a fucking like post post-apocalyptic movie that you're like oh like disneyland is eerily create like fuck that the only not the happiest the only thing that i would want to do at disneyland at this time is to be one of the

people inside a costume because you're the most protected but they've also like i feel like you only can have your one costume like you can't share costumes oh my god you're so right i wonder if they're having to wear masks under their costumes too i mean they don't talk anyway so no but there's like it's mesh i know that yeah yeah that's what i'm saying they don't talk so what it doesn't if they're wearing a mask you won't really be able to see it oh yeah yeah oh god yeah you don't go to this land wow you really reframed my whole birthday for me because last year it was i had the fomo like everything like the whole world was going on and i was you know had a seizure and like it was a stressful time and now everything's everything stopped so that

is a lot it is a lot better but it is a it's a very odd a very odd time to like figure out how to how to do a birthday through all of this that's it that's it thank you guys for watching oh don't forget to subscribe to this youtube channel guys we've been getting more or maybe not for the the i mean the first episode we posted we got more views than we do have subscribers and um a lot of people were also still confused about like oh i can't find them turn on notifications for this channel it's not going up on both it's just going up on this one so subscribe subscribe please okay goodbye Thank you.