Don't Blame Me! - S6E12: Wanking with a Cap w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Getting ghosted by dates Not being ready to move in together Living with your boyfriend's mom Dating with a pelvic floor condition Don't Blame Them: talking with teens about sex   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblamemepod  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out the YouTube channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9SMwL3ZgCUsD-yIDU_Zsqg/ Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me we're in the quarantine and melissa and i are i mean we're not fighting melissa's mad at me today guys we're beefing horde no but i'm not beefing with you i'm beefing with you it's a one-sided fight yeah um i'm mad okay would you like to tell people why you're upset um i mean if you're watching this you can clearly see why because megan usually comes to these things see when we first started i was coming all glammed up and then megan wasn't so you know i stopped because i was like why and now today megan is radiating frozen looks beautiful you're frozen too damn it uh she's looking radiant and beautiful and i look like a bum no you do not like a look like a bum

you look fantastic um and i think it's like an optical illusion that i've created because like my hair hasn't been like straight or like yeah straight in so long and I just got my color touched up um you've got definitely have stuff on your cheeks no I have makeup on too but I'm saying like it's not like it's not more makeup than I normally would it's just the combo of everything you didn't even have on makeup the last time we recorded period no no I know you do have on more i do for the recordings you have on significantly more makeup than what you've been wearing while we've been recording yes but remember the day that i wore the romper like the white striped like tank toppy one and i had all the necklaces and my hair was in a low

bun i was wearing makeup that day but i made up for it too oh okay because i was like my hair was like in a bun the difference is is you i had on makeup as well and i didn't alert her and yeah i'm i apologize no you're not sorry i am i truly am but you look so cute and your hair looks great and i love your shirt thanks and you without makeup is like you're still like you like you you look so good all the time you truly do i'm not i'm not even fucking with you no shut the fuck up fine i'm gonna get into the rest of the show um everybody this is don't blame me an advice podcast and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message

at meganpodcasts at gmail.com any housekeeping stuff that we have going on i don't believe so am i am i am i 27 by the time this episode is out yes you are you are 27 i'm not looking forward to it it's just an age from 27 to 29 nothing happens like even 26 to 29 it's like it's just an age and then you get to be my age and you forget you genuinely forget how old you are and someone asks you and you say that you're two years younger than you are and don't realize that you're wrong until like a week later when you're replaying the conversation in your head that's funny I just like had I don't know for some reason like as a kid did you ever have any like specific ages that like would stick out I mean obviously like oh when I'm 18 oh when

I'm 21 but I for some reason like I think 23 was one and 27 was one that and 29 like ages that for some reason as like a kid I thought I also like odd numbers that was like gonna be something and now I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do hi Megan um so I'm 22 years old I've been in the dating scene probably since I was about 19 and um I just recently came out as lesbian yay but um I have a problem where I seem to keep getting ghosted and it's like a routine now basically what seems to happen is I'm talking to someone for about a month we get you know pretty good with each other we go on the first date it goes really well um but then when the second date is being planned they seem to start ghosting me and I don't know I was thinking maybe if I call in maybe ask for

some advice see if there's other people who have been in similar situations because I know it sounds weird but i don't think it's me maybe it's the people that i am you know choosing to go on a date with i am in the midwest so i don't know maybe the women around here i have no idea but i just wanted to call in maybe see if there's other people that have a similar situation or if you have any advice thank you so much love the podcast love you i mean you called into two ghosters yeah and i've i also to be honest i wouldn't i wouldn't i mean i'm trying to think about like i wouldn't even say every time i ghost it's like it's like me and it's also the person it's just that like we're not a good match and i think that ghosting happens like i'm

pro-ghosting but my friends who aren't super pro-ghosting the one date like that's kind of like the threshold where it's like so socially acceptable to kind of just ghost and like not be not respond or just like kind of like disappear and I wonder if you're just like going on dates with people who are just like really nice and like don't aren't confrontational and don't feel comfortable saying like oh I had a great like I didn't actually enjoy the date as much as i let on like maybe they're doing that aspect of it and so it's getting your hopes up yeah that they're just as into you and it might just be like over politeness which i'm not a fan of and maybe it's like your vetting process as far as when you're setting up the date are you

making sure that these are people that actually like what do you want do you want a relationship or are you out here just trying to like casually date and making sure that you're on the same page with that person so um making sure that you know like if you want a long-term relationship you're being upfront that say that you're not just dating a date you want a relationship or if you just want to go on a whole bunch of dates saying hey i'm just dating around right now and so it just might be that you guys are on two different pages and i also think it depends on how long you're talking before you go on a date because i think there are some people who like don't want to text and don't want to talk from like dating apps and stuff before they go out because like oh what are we

gonna have to talk about whereas like for me i would rather talk like enough that i know that i'm still into you so then by the time that we meet up i mean not that it's like less likely that will it just we've already kind of done more of that like oh we already get to know each other sort of thing so like as opposed to like the ghosting can happen like over text versus in person because it's hard like if you're just meeting someone on a dating app talking really quickly and then being like oh let's go on a date and it's it's so fast then by the time you go on the date there's like a huge chance you guys really like aren't you don't have that much in common you're not super into each other and that the ghosting is going to happen that's just going

to be much more likely because i think that all of that doesn't point to you but i would also say in terms of ghosting it's it's because like they don't they're not that not that they're not interested in it's how they feel not how they feel about you specifically like it doesn't have to be like a you problem at all but like when i've ghosted people it's because like oh i don't want to be friends this person anymore oh i don't want to do this it's not like oh they fucking suck so this is all about them like they did this to me they forced me to ghost them i'm like no it's my own decision like it's your own choice to ghost it's the ghosters like that's that's the person who's actively doing something so i think it's good that you're not thinking that it's about

uh you because it's really not and i don't think it ever it ever really is it's just a matter of like two people who just like don't mesh or don't get along or just like aren't following through yeah but i mean you can also like if you like really if you like really want to know and if you like do ever start to worry that you're like oh is it something that i said or did you can always ask someone be like hey i know like haven't heard you from you in like a really long time uh like a couple months later and i definitely had a great time like going out with you and like honestly no hard feelings that you ghosted but like i'm trying to like figure out like where my dating life is going and like i'd love to know like it was it something i did like i'm sure you could

ask i don't know if people would respond and i don't know if i would walk into that like potential uh situation but i think it also just takes a good amount of time and like people that you date it's like practice 10 000 hours that's a lot of dating though well best of luck and i hope that the dates that you've been going on are um virtual zoom dates agree hi megan melissa and jess um i am in my late 20s and my boyfriend is in his mid 30s and we have been together in quarantine since the start of the whole thing mainly because you know neither of us wanted to be alone and both of us were able to work from home we have not been dating for even a year yet so that was you know definitely worrisome to think that we were going

to be spending a lot of time together even though we haven't been together for that long um but everything has been going really well actually however he has been starting to talk about us moving in together and I definitely didn't want to like hurt his feelings or anything which I know probably sounds silly but I kind of went along with it the more he brings me up and the more people he tells about it the more uncomfortable I feel because I realize like I'm just not ready for it yet, and even though we have basically been living together this whole time, I would really just enjoy my space back soon, and he is, like, renting out a new place, which is not too far away, and he gets his keys in about a week, and all he's been talking about

as like me moving in with him and every time it comes up I'm just like oh I don't want to do that but it's not like I don't want to be with him or continue to see him so I guess I'm just looking for like advice should I be concerned that I'm not ready to move in yet I just I get that he's a little bit older and probably like wanting to settle down um and I definitely do too in the future but i would also very much enjoy being able to like go in my room by myself in my home by myself watching shitty reality tv by myself and going to bed by myself again um yeah hopefully i don't sound like a total jerk thanks bye first of all we have to address was that a fucking cow in the background it has to be right like i feel like i heard some distinct

like i heard mooing i hope it was a cow some random person in the back of my mouth wow um this sucks yeah it does oh he's in his 30s you're in your 20s haven't even been dating a year I mean, OK, I will say as somebody who like lives with her boyfriend, I've like had other boyfriends where we're like, oh, we practically live together because we spend so much time together. Even Mons and I, like before he officially moved in, he like practically lived here, practically living with someone and living with someone is so fucking different. Like it's just so different, like because when someone is staying with you, if they're not paying the rent or any of that stuff. like they're no matter what no matter how comfortable they are you're still a guest and they still like there is that little bit left and you're also going to be like kind of more yeah you're not sharing your space you're kind of like you're still kind of hosting in a weird way

like you don't feel like you can do like like you said the reality tv thing like doing all the things that like you want to do just like solo um you have to tell him like now now like you have to stop stalling or just going along with what he's saying because he's making plans for this future with the two of you living in this place and that's not what you want at all so you just have to be like hey i've really enjoyed like having you around but i'm not ready for us to move in together so um i'm gonna keep my place and you keep you and you have your place and then we can you know still spend time together but at the end of the day at this time i want to be in separate dwelling places yeah i it's and his feelings are probably going to be hurt and that's

okay um but because i mean i'm curious like did he did you go with him to like look at this apartment like does like they probably did it virtually or like did they help did you help pick like did is this like would he have picked this apartment and it's like is he counting on you for like covering part of the rent like when is your Lisa like when is all of this there's all of these like logistics that come into play too and I think that the most straightforward that you can be with him and just make sure I would start I would lead the conversation with I like I don't want the only thing about our relationship that I want to change is that like I don't I want us like not live together but like i still want to date you like i still want this and i still want to be with

you and it's not like i don't ever want to live with you it's just like i think that like we did this like relatively soon because of the quarantine and as much as like it's been great and like it makes me like look forward to eventually living with you again like i'm also kind of like looking forward to like having like my own space and like my own time and then like going back to like dating you and like having that like fun exciting part of it too and like sleeping over at each other's places and all of that and i think he'll be butthurt and i think you can like obviously apologize for not being confrontational like not saying it right away but also just like express the fact that you're like i thought that's what i wanted and the more that i sat on it

and then yeah he can be upset but he can't be i wouldn't i wouldn't allow it to be like a like let him be upset for a couple days and then like okay let's if if he is like no we have to move in together or like he's like so upset and like that's the only solution then like that's that's too much he's not the guy for you not the guy also maybe maybe deep down he's also feeling the same way

and he's just like being over excited he's like yay can't wait I'm so excited for us to live together and you're like me too and both of you are like I hope for your sake but and it'll be less awkward if that's

the case yeah well best of luck i feel like this is gonna happen to so many couples who have just like lived together through quarantine and then like oh we'll just keep doing it yeah i feel like for her though at least she recognizes it and like she still wants to be with him a lot of people are like in quarantine and then break up and then they're stuck together okay well should we go on to the next hi i don't know if either of you guys will be able to relate to this but there's a lot going on in my life right now and some guidance would be great so to put it in context I have severe anxiety and there's a lot going on in my life like I just broke my foot um I just got a

promotion at work I'm studying um a full-time degree at university and then my boyfriend's mom just decided to get a divorce with her very toxic husband which is my boyfriend's dad so she's currently living with my boyfriend and I and I feel like I'm living with my mom again but she's really sweet she's really nice and I'm like trying my best to like help her but my boyfriend's family is like very messy um I've been trying to like support her and like convince her that she should go to therapy and that like that would be really beneficial to her but my boyfriend's sister is like yelling at her and like telling her that therapy's not a good idea and that that's just like stringing their father along um and like giving him a false hope

and I just don't really know what to do I've like come in between in this family his sister's like being really hostile to me just because I tried to say that his mom should like go get therapy I'm a firm believer that like everyone should get therapy even if you haven't had like a trauma therapy is really helpful and yeah I just don't really know what to do I feel because I have a lot of anxiety I feel really nervous to interact with her I have only met her like five times before this and now she's living with us and yeah I don't know how to like navigate being safe in my own home and like I know that I'm safe but I don't know how to navigate being her being in my home it's such a big life difference and my boyfriend's like well

she knows we're both adults like it's fine and I'm like um a bit different you know so if you have any advice on how to not break this family and how to stop being so anxious in my own home that would be really helpful thank you congratulations on your job yeah sorry about your foot now back into the other stuff um i think like maybe this is just me completely misreading the situation i must i think that the sister thinks that you meant that they should go to couples therapy like from the way that you're describing it and saying like oh she like thinks said is like giving her like the husband false hope and all of that and maybe you said like therapy she just took it to couple's therapy or you said couple's therapy but that's more along

the lines of like how can how can they like what what what is Gwyneth Paltrow what were there no no no a conscious uncoupling oh so if it's something like that if that's what you kind of meant but I think that that's how they kind of read it or how she kind of read it was was that it was about like fixing the relationship between them as opposed to like making herself better whole yeah and uh i mean she was in a toxic relationship i'm sure there's a ton of stuff that she needs therapizing over yeah and i would just bring that up again in like a helpful way and i would honestly i would bring it up with your boyfriend and be like okay can because this is the thing it's not your family they're living there and like you sound like a fixer and also

because like you're like they're there like she's there she's living with you and like it's contributing to your anxiety so then to like help her feel better will then in turn help you feel better and so that's like you know that what we do when we have anxiety like action items like things that we can do that can actively help us and the issue with this is that it's somebody else who's also involved and it's not your it's not your parents so i would really talk to your boyfriend about this and be like i'm experiencing a fuck ton of anxiety from all this and i really think like therapy would help your mom and i think that your sister misunderstood when i like she thought it was couples therapy i mean individual solo therapy and i think that like it'd be great

if you could broach the subject with your mom and your sister and talk about it in that way because i think you're physically in the middle of this family and i think you need to like do as much as you can to like remove yourself emotionally from the middle of the family yeah yes but it's on your boyfriend to really step in because and but i also do know the whole thing of being like oh we're adults like my mom knows it's fine you're like okay yeah but it's your mom it's not my mom like it's like also is she living with you guys like permanently or is it a temporary thing i i think that there needs to be boundaries like you need to create these boundaries and your boyfriend needs to be on the team with you to create the boundaries and i don't know if

you guys have ever like done like couples therapy together or if you have really ever explained your anxiety to him but i find it really helpful to kind of like break it down like when he says something like oh well it's like it's she knows we're adults we're fine you're like i totally understand that like the logical side of my brain totally feels that but like we need to address the anxiety side of my brain so i kind of need you to entertain these thoughts or these feelings that might seem like nonsensical to you they're super fucking real to me and i can't just like logic my anxiety away like whether whatever it's you need like whether you need like a conversation with him whether it's like okay let's create these boundaries or these like this protocol that

might seem like ridiculous for him like i have like you know my social anxiety one where it comes to like going out to like parties and stuff like i'm not spontaneous like mons knows he has to like tell me like a couple days before and then like give i have ample time to get ready and i do all of this stuff which is in his mind like love him but he's just like i'm fucking stupid but like he does it and like goes along with it because he knows that like i respond to it as if it is like facts and if it is like a total reality thing versus like my own like perceived reality and anxieties so i think you just really like i think the solution or not the solution i think like what's going to make this better is your boyfriend i think like

this is this is a lot of this is on him and on you guys creating boundaries and you upholding your own boundaries and him enforcing those boundaries and making sure that you also uphold them and making sure that other people are also upholding them considering it is it is his family and um and yeah and also maybe just like maybe if there's a way for you to kind of just like detach from helping and like just kind of like let it be what it is and like i i'm i'm very much like a helper and i get that but if she's she doesn't want to go to therapy and like they don't really want to do anything and like because i don't know what the sisters want like what does the sister want like what is all of this sometimes it can kind of just be better to be like okay well

what do you want like what can i do for you what do you need in this moment and then just kind of let it be as opposed to like trying to fix it or solve it because there's also not necessarily anything to fix or solve it could just be like riding the time out and just like letting it letting her be sad letting her go through that mourning phase and like letting her be angry and um if you're like an empath or you are just like yeah a highly sensitive person or anxious person like you can really absorb those feelings and it can make you want to like fix things but then from there it's just hanging out in your room more like just like doing like self-care things like let her do her own stuff but i do not envy this situation either best of luck you need

all of it yeah but congrats on the promotion okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break you're getting to the rest of the calls to start off uh i'm 22 um i just graduated college and i've been single my entire life like to the point where i haven't had a first kiss um i'm a virgin all that good stuff um and there's some past trauma there that makes my brain say that i'm incapable of receiving love which i'm working on with the therapist that's not what i'm calling um i guess why i'm calling is like i have had all of these thoughts and like these thoughts in my head that say like i'm

completely incapable of emotional intimacy or physical intimacy and um for years i was unable to put in a tampon or like get a tap smear or anything and then recently i had to go get a tap smear and um we found out i had something called vaginitis which essentially means um when they're like gorilla grip coochies it's like that except it feels like knives trying to be inserted inside me it's quirky and cute um and like I'm going to see a pelvic floor physical therapist which like works on that um as well as doing talk therapy and stuff I guess I'm just frustrated right now because like I'm 22 and I feel like this is a problem that I don't see often and this it just feels like especially with this new diagnosis that like okay not only in my head

do I feel like I will never be able to find love or fall in love and that's just not in the cards for me but now my body is saying it too so it's like if I were to find someone who like could love me like that I have this not only emotional baggage but physical baggage of like I also can't have sex with you at the current moment um yeah i guess i don't even know what kind i don't even know what i'm looking for what question i'm asking i just i'd love your thoughts or feedback or whatever so thanks y'all stay safe i love you guys thanks for always providing something to listen to that makes me feel good bye i like your attitude oh my god yeah you've got a great attitude i look like i'm like not listening i am but i wanted to pull up this girl is it in the facebook

group no but i that is also a reference to we had someone post in the facebook group about how how do you pronounce this i don't know yeah not totally sure but exactly what you have described as having uh someone posted in our facebook group about like having it or are being suspected and kind of reading up and thinking that she might have it we've had a lot of people in our facebook group who have it yeah and there's also a lot of you're not the only person that has called in with this issue yeah so you're not it's not it's more common than you think I just don't think a lot of people talk about it no they and but but it's something that like I in learning about like endometriosis which I didn't learn about until like I had heard about it like I remember my

ob-gyn like or someone saying something that like I always knew that there was like a history of really bad cramps in my family and I never knew that like what endometriosis was until I like became an adult and kind of like did my own fucking research and that's that's when I've also learned about this too but there is a she's a writer and she her name is Laura Parker and she is I know her originally from BuzzFeed and she's actually been like super super super fucking helpful in like the articles that she's written for BuzzFeed about endometriosis I'm pretty sure she also has this same she's got a lot of like pain she can't necessarily have penetrative sex and has a lot of pain with all this and she actually has a book coming out called vagina

problems um and it's literally oh yeah about endometriosis diagnosis uh sex work and it's also about yeah she's got okay so she had the diagnosis of pelvic floor dysfunction vulvodynia vaginismus the one that you mentioned and vestibulitis which i'm not totally sure what they are but they're all vagina problems in her words um and her book it comes out october 6th 2020 but she's written a ton of stuff on buzzfeed and she's like really like vocal and active about all of this kind of stuff on her instagram and her twitter which has been like people have sent me her stuff which i think is like really really really helpful but um i think that like like i don't i don't i i i don't i deal with this so i can't i can only like go from like

my assumption of it but like i think like when we have physical pain and chronic pain and anything like that and then there is like an emotional component of it that whether you're not in pain in that current moment like that mental stuff stays with you the whole time and I think it's great you're doing physical therapy I think it's great you're talking to your therapist I would really I would really like urge you to bring these conversations up to your therapist and then also I would bring these conversations up just to your friends in general and just have some like other young people to talk to even if it's not necessarily about like oh like I'm dealing with all this pain and that kind of stuff but i think that i it sounds like that there there comes this like oh

there's this physical pain and then there's this this psychological aspect that you're dealing with but they yeah they go hand in hand and then one stays all the time and like that feeling of like oh i'm not good enough i'm never i don't deserve love i'm never gonna get it i'm mentally and physically incapable of these things um yeah I I think you're doing all the right steps and I think you're calling us before you've gone to the physical therapy thing and I think after like you bring up these same things that you just gave us um if you didn't you've probably already been to your appointment at this point but um bringing them up and I think that your phone call if you would have made the phone call after you went then you would have this would have been a different

call yeah um so you're doing all the steps so good for you I think maybe one component that's missing and it's kind of like what Megan touched on is the um community around it so um I think that you that having a support group um of women would also help with that um I have recently discovered how great reddit is i thought reddit was just like a bunch of dudes that were just having bro problems and it was going to be like this like awful place but it's all it's actually very supportive and like when somebody starts to post something bad then it gets deleted almost immediately so um maybe checking reddit there probably is a subreddit about this topic and or finding a community online of other women around your age um and then going back to like

the love part like you're you're in your early 20s you're so young like you have time you have time so like don't feel like that you don't deserve things or you're never going to get things because you haven't had them yet your own you're on your own timetable so don't judge yourself based on what other people are going through and it only has to happen once and that's the thing that like I had a very I'm which maybe you know or maybe people don't know I like despite like having a podcast and being on social media I'm like super emotionally closed off like I am not like a cry to my friends kind of person I am not a talk about my feelings kind of person never have been um and I fully like I had those feelings of being like I fully thought

I was incapable of like loving someone or liking someone in like a deeper and a deeper way like I had like oh yeah like high school boyfriend and like I I liked them but then it got like there was always something stopping me like there was always this barrier there and then by the time that like I got older and like more shit happened in my life and I was just like more emotionally closed off and like I would I was deeming myself emotionally damaged I was like I literally hate everyone like I have no desire to date anyone I like even if people were interested in me like i did not like them at all i had no desire to go on dates like i was just like emotionally like completely emotionally shut off and closed off and i would also look into attachment theories

if i were you because that is uh avoided dismissive avoidant dismissive or something like that and i didn't even know about attachment theories until shan had come on shan budram came on the podcast and i said something about like me and then she goes you should like you definitely were this style and i think you you've moved on to this style of attachment theory um and And I completely relate to that sort of feeling. But and I know that it can be and at least like what I did, it was like so easy to kind of like blame like, oh, this all the shit that fucking happened in my life. Like, of course, I'm not going to be able to have a normal relationship. Like I looked at like everything and like my past and everything as like a cause for why this would be my forever future, as opposed to being like, no, like, sure. like maybe maybe those elements and the fact that like you didn't have like a great like family life and relationship like played into the fact that you didn't like get into these other relationships go going on but like that's not the end like that can explain like why my journey has been this way

but like that's not like a fate like it's not like you're destined and designed and this is how you're it's going to end up and I think like again like the therapy and then physical therapy too and all of that stuff you're like you said you're doing every single thing right and then once And you can kind of just figure go about it in your own way, like do it your own way. And that was something that was hard for me to to see my friends. My friends are serial daters. Most of my friends are serial daters where boyfriend they would they would constantly like being very active, going on lots of dates and then seeing if they like them or not. And I am the definition of like, I've, everyone I've dated sans like a couple, a couple of guys I dated in college who are all friends. Like I've only ever dated really, really close friends. And then when I moved to a city where I had no friends, like what the fuck, how the fuck was I going to supposed to like end up dating? And so I didn't kind of conform to what everybody else was

doing. And I just, I did it kind of my own way. Like I put some blind trust in the fact that I'm Like if I work on myself and I like focus on myself, then eventually I will get to a point where I want to date someone and I want to do all of that. And I think if you don't want to do that at that at this like current point, that's OK. And I think that maybe address like maybe you don't know if you want to or you think you want to. But I would just match up your actions and your feelings and kind of like self-assess

like I'm a self-sabotager. and if you recognize that you've been doing that then maybe it's like oh maybe i don't want to date right now and maybe i'm like pissed at myself for some reason this is like a self-loathing thing and i'm using dating as a vehicle to punish myself like maybe i fucking step away from that and focus this more on therapy but i would also yeah i would just urge you you also don't have to not that you said that you do this but i think like we can get into a habit of like just using therapy to talk about like trauma and like if you've spent therapy talking about like really intense really really heavy things those things influence the rest of your life and who you are

and how you make decisions and so then when it can feel really trivial to talk about dating or like it's like being single and not liking it they're completely and totally related and a therapist is happy to like discuss those things with you but i would just urge you to like you said find a community find people that you can kind of talk to through all of this and even if it's just like your friends and just talking about like your feelings a little bit more i think the more emotionally vulnerable you can be with the people that you like you trust and the people that you care about i think it'll make it a lot easier for you to get used to doing that with people that you start dating but i fully agree on reddit reddit was how i found out

about uh nancy's nook which is an endometriosis facebook group run by like these doctors and who like have done all that stuff so i found out that through reddit so i'm sure you could also find facebook groups through reddit too um that are like a part of that whole like community but it's so much more common than people talk about nobody talks about vaginas we do but like we do but um as a whole i think as a whole i think we should be talking way more about vaginas well i think like we should be talking about like vagina health that's not in relation to like like heteronormity and like sexiness like i think the most things that you ever hear about vaginas are when you're fucking them yeah and then the odor like in the smell like oh and like that's

there's these concerns about like oh like well my vagina smells like what and it's like well it's a vagina it's what do you think it's supposed to fucking smell like but there's all of that versus like all of these other like things that nobody else talks about that are like about the actual like function of your fucking vagina i was telling mots yesterday we were i think i was watching a tiktok or something there's a gynecologist on tiktok called dr mama jones she's fantastic i love her she also has a youtube channel and she tweeted me like i like tweeted her and she like tweeted me and responded and i like fangirled i was like um because i was asking about pregnancy, brain and ADHD. And I was like, is it really bad? And she goes, Oh yeah,

I have ADHD and I have kids. It's awful. Um, but she, it might've been hers that she was talking about, um, getting your tubes tied. I don't remember the exact like medical term or whatever, but like how I was like telling, I was telling moms, I was like, you know how you like usually have to get like a husband to sign off on that. Like it's like on average, like you have to have three kids. You have to be like, I think 30 years old and you have to have over 30 and you have to have like your husband approve it and he was like what and i was like yeah so like even like even like lesbian couples like two women who like let's say like it's two two women who have no desire to carry children either of them at all or one of them has no desire to carry children has like

terrible endometriosis awful pain all of that kind of stuff no she can't not allowed and he was like what like what do you what do you mean and like that whole thing was just like so i did not know that oh it's so mind-blowing i think you might i think you might have told me this before but i didn't know before and there's people who have like posted about it in uh like some of the endometriosis groups that i'm on and like they've had doctors who have said like no you'll change your mind you'll want kids and it's like no i don't want kids and it's like well no like you don't know like you might have a husband later down the road like you don't want your husband to then like can't have kids because you made this rash decision and it's like it's not trash yeah

I it's just insane to me my sisters if they had to have their husband because they both have had their tubes tied they need to ask I want to ask them if they have but they both and they both have kids though so I want I I would I don't know if it's all three at the same like it has to be like you have to like hit all three markers but it's it's incredibly hard to get one if you are a single person with those reproductive organs is it seen as an elective surgery yeah and it's crazy to me and it's also crazy to me that like it's like this whole like it's such like a like it's such like a backwards sort of like mindset that sucks to hear that is still so like dominating in like the medical field that's not just like let's just say like fucking like

alt-right like rural fucking south like it's something that happens everywhere and it's it's like okay so this is like not that this is happening at Planned Parenthood but I'm saying like they're like I'm like we can be in a state where like abortions are like legal and like like Planned Parenthood is all around there are still doctors not at Planned Parenthood but like there are doctors in like liberal neighborhoods who are being like no no we like you need your husband And that's our protocol. It's fucking insane. But yeah, people only care about vaginas when they're pushing out babies.

Or. Well, that's still the same thing I was going to say. Or trying to stop women from having abortions. Yes, but it's the same thing. That's the only time that they care about life health and life. The health. Yeah. Only fucking time.

Only fucking time. it's bullshit absolute absolute bullshit okay should we go on to the next one hey Megan and Melissa I had a situation I wanted to ask you about my boyfriend has had a closed box of condoms in his nightstand since the fall when I went on the pill and we stopped using condoms and recently I found that they were open and I asked him about it and he said how he had used one to masturbate so that it was an easier cleanup and um i had never heard of this before and we talked a bunch about it because in the back of my mind there's a small voice saying like oh he could be lying he could be sleeping with someone else he's been very reassuring and i really don't

think he would cheat on me but there is always that small voice um he also brought up the point which is quite valid we've been quarantining together so we each have our own apartment still and we walk back and forth from one to another but we sleep at each other's house about six times a week so there's not a lot of time that he could be cheating on me but it's just slightly i i do trust him i really do but there's a small tiny voice in my back of my head that's saying if is a fuck boy this would be his excuse right oh nice short and quick yeah um i've heard of this okay i just texted watson he said no not a thing i mean logically i i fully i fully understand like the the mental fucking like gymnastics going on your head because i'm feeling the same way and

it's not me because i'm like logically it does make sense but like it also does do you know i mean like it's like it really feels like a 50 50 thing to me i think it's just like a trust thing do you trust him or not and it sounds like you don't because you're questioning it um but like do you have a way to verify that this is it you don't you just have to trust that that one night that you weren't together that he was just jerking off into a condom and not somebody else uh but how many you gotta count you gotta count how many it says on the box of condoms and then how many are gone because i think the thing that's a little because the thing that if you've known that it's a closed box since the fall that's almost a year and to me like to me

that's just like that's the part that's like a little odd not like oh it's like this is like a brand new thing that he i mean i guess it could be like a brand new thing that he's like suddenly like he's like i don't want like a wet spot in the bed tonight so i'm gonna jerk off into the condom which some dudes like put it in a sock yeah into the condom i just i don't know i mean i think it's exactly like you said like you you're calling which means that like there are some doubt in your mind and i i would feel the same i would feel the same way like because if this was something he was doing all the time before then i would be like okay but this is new yeah and also just like the ease of cleanup like you're at your house and like it's quarantined you're stuck at home like

no one's coming over except you your girl like your girlfriend like why now like why now why this sperm like why like that it just seems it seems it seems like you're saying it seems like kind of like the fuck boy excuse that it's it's just it's just sus and it's just weird and this is like my other fucking thing too that like even like let's say he's not like lying but like sir you're gonna see this you're gonna find this out like don't do anything that can be like i deemed as like super suspicious and can like look like something really fucking bad if you're gonna do something that you're like oh this looks really bad this could look really bad let me let my girlfriend know ahead of like something along those lines as opposed to just

waiting for you to find it and then because that's or it could just be like he didn't think it was a big deal so he didn't mention it that's true that's that's true too but i i think that you i don't think that you trust him as much as you think that you do um and that could be because of your relationship and it could be actively him or it could be like past relationships um but i would snoop like i would just i would snoop i would i would immediately looked in trash cans yeah but like at this point they're gone so it's gone so yeah i mean i would look at uh i would like see i don't know if you guys have like locations on your phones you i i would make up some excuse for the fact that like you listen to you i was gonna say a really scary

podcast not this one but like you listen to something it like freaked you out and like you've been walking or just like make up something that was like oh like let's like have our locations on each other's phones or when he's in the shower like look through his text messages and all of that stuff and i think if you don't want to do that then i think you then don't do that and then i think you trust him but i think if you need to snoop and when we say snoop just you're stupid because you're gonna find something so if you want to snoop it's because you know that there's something there

and then you're gonna find the thing that's there so it can be impossibly hard to blindly trust somebody and he's given this situation it's weird it's suspicious and I think it's could go either way but

you just have to decide if you want to know like if he cheated on you do you want to know Because some people don't want to know. Some people like it. So you have to take what he said. And if you want to be with him and this is the relationship that you want, you either have to take what he said wholeheartedly or you take it as a grain of salt.

Which one do you want? And if you take it as a grain of salt, you got to deal with the consequences that come with that. Yeah. And I would also just urge you to like this. I'm just going to sound like crazy girl. but I would also just urge you not to logic it away I would just go with your feeling and I think if you have a feeling and you want to snoop snoop don't let him be like well I'm here with you six days away all like giving all of this sort of thing because if someone wants to cheat they'll

cheat yeah like it's not a matter of like pure convenience and like to plant those seeds of doubt like if you have a seed of doubt that he has cheated follow through on that and figure that out to like however you feel content and comfortable but focus on your feelings and whatever's gonna make you what you need not like letting him or or having him like just like yeah explain it away if you find nothing and then he like that to me is like if it were me in the situation like i need the cold hard facts and evidence that like you are not fucking involved in and then like we can talk and you can talk to me after and like explain it or like give me a reason or justifying we can have a conversation but i need unbiased fucking factual information

so then I can make my decision on how I feel and I'm not basing off how I feel how you feel and how you're telling me I should feel like what your idea of the reality is but um yeah I hope I hope he's not I think you're right it could it could really just be like oh I've done this before and this was like a or I've like done I like heard about it and I was like oh why not like let me try but at the same time like could also be the alternative yeah that sucks so but um let us know what happens call us with an update and if you snoop just prepare yourself do we have another one it's time for don't bling then woohoo so what episode is this from so the original call was from season six episode six and the original caller she was on vacation with her boyfriend's family

and talked to her boyfriend's little sister about sex and buying birth control and things like that and so here's somebody calling similar situation and experience oh wow hey so this is actually a call for like the don't blame them so I just listened to the episode where the girl gives her boyfriend's younger sister sex advice and then says that she's not having sex even though they are so what I was going to say is be careful and be aware of what can come of that because my ex-boyfriend had a sister who was two years younger than us and this is when I was like 20 so this is about five six years ago but anyways she thought she was pregnant she came to me and asked if I could go get her a birth control test, a pregnancy test, and I did.

I know she could have gone at 18 and got herself one, but she was nervous, and I went and got her one. Anyways, months, months, months later, she got in a fight with her mom about how she didn't feel comfortable with her and told her about her pregnancy scare and how I was there for her during that. She wasn't trying to throw me under the bus, but it created a very, very weird dynamic. and during family events the parents didn't really like me anymore so I don't regret what I did but you know if you plan on marrying this guy luckily I didn't marry that dude but that's going to create an awkward family dynamic because a 14 year old is going to talk to her mom even if they're not close it could come out in something like that where she gets mad and is trying to throw it in

her face like hey you weren't there for me during this this person has to be but the adult is not going to take it like oh i'm so glad that person was there for you it's going to be more of a that person did not have permission to do this to you that is not your guardian and why what why why we had this person in our house that didn't come to us and tell us which again it was a different circumstance she came to me and it wasn't for birth control it was for a pregnancy test and you know i'd do the same thing again however just giving a stance of where it can go a little awkward so that's just my little tidbit on that but also yeah don't lie about having sex if you're doing it either don't talk about it or don't lie just you can simply just

say I don't feel comfortable answering that question or if you want to make light of it be like you that's your brother like and just like laugh it off but don't just straight up lie to her face because like Melissa said she's 14 but she's not an idiot but love the podcast love both you bye wow that's a really good point i didn't think about it in that sense that like it like even if it's not brought up like to her throwing someone like throwing her under the bus that and like they're there i think especially when you're younger there is a lot of uh well this person's so cool or like this person's parents are so cool and like that kind of a thing but when it's like your son's girlfriend yeah that's messy well i'm glad she didn't end up

with this guy either because that is awkward as fuck yeah and she's 18 so it's like she's even like she had the ability to make her own decision and not talk to uh and not she didn't have to talk to her mother and she didn't have to talk to this girl but like she still did and she still got thrown on their bus and this is in the original caller was in her 20s and talking to a 14 year so makes it a little worse we had a bunch of comments about it in the i think it was the facebook group or was it on like the youtube comments of of yeah people who are like no this is not gonna end well like this is it's it's like as much as like yeah we should talk to children like they're adults there's just a level of recognizing that like their frontal lobes aren't

fully developed until they're 25 and so it's like there's some things that like a they're not like emotionally mature enough to handle but then there's also sometimes being like okay well if you're gonna tell a kid this heads up they might they might just like say it to somebody else and like it's it's covering your covering your ass with with that i remember like even just like this is obviously a very different age difference but like i remember like the first time like i like was babysitting these kids and uh they like like i like mentioned they'd asked me about like my boyfriend or ever mentioned something about it and then like her parents like yeah meg it's all night talking about her boyfriend i was like no i didn't it's like yeah they even over

exaggerate everything like yeah even like with my niece she's 13 and she like comes to me and talks to me about things but you know what i immediately go snitch it to my my sister it's not like i'm just like keeping it and i'm just like the cool aunt if it's something that i feel like isn't appropriate i'm going to tell my sister i remember the specific story that you told me i died yeah it was great no you it's and you guys also have such a good like it's you also you guys like so many girls and it's just this like dynamic of like oh this did and i love it you guys need a reality show i would watch it it would be a great reality show i think it would 100 but love it maybe one day when kovitz free i'll do a little teaser please do please fucking

do even just like if our text messages ever get leaked they could just be like a book of like funny shit and you guys all like you guys all like you look you know how like some families don't really look alike like you guys all look alike like so well and like you all fit and there's like kids involved and like your parent like the whole thing is just i would watch it so so hard and i've seen some of the text messages and just the this the witty snappy back and forth i love it i love it and also like you know my favorite part of like your mom uh when your mom picks favorites and then everyone knows i like that too like it's just such a we had some of at uh this past week it's fun well um that's it for our episode guys if you want to call in for

an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 i thought the computer froze for a second and then i looked down and realized that yeah if you weren't unfrozen your brain just wasn't cooperating yep and if you want to email us if you're an international listener you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com did you almost forget that one too yeah dude i don't know what's wrong with me um follow us on instagram our individual instagrams and then our podcast don't blah meme pod if you want to check it and then what else nothing do you want to promote anything no okay promoted everything twice at this point i think we're good like fuck them all um if you want to get my book uh do it if you want to buy my presets

do it if you want to go on instagram and like wish me a happy belated birthday do it it's going to be a whole week late yeah but i'm sorry it's the month of august it's leo season it's my birthday month um and oh yeah leave us a review on the podcast app we would highly um highly appreciate it it would be highly likely that we'll check it out and appreciate it if it's a good comment and if it's a bad comment we will send it to each other and talk shit and speculate on who it is that's the thing i think is not saying we do that but i think i think it's so funny about like we're both like sleuthy as fuck like and we so are and so then when like we get hate comments as opposed to like people who are like oh wow that really hurt my feelings like ours are like

let's figure out because we have such an active community of people who are like a part of it and like hate comments that are like oh they talk about zodiac so much or like blah blah like i don't care about that but like the ones that i'm like who are you yep who is this also did you even listen to the episode because i think you just got triggered by one call or something else and then you got mad it's true um okay all right we'll see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso