Don't Blame Me! - S6E14: He Writes Songs About His Exes w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Choosing a career Discerning biphobia Wanting to get married Supporting strangers online Update: boyfriend wants a polyamorous relationship   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblamemepod  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out the YouTube channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9SMwL3ZgCUsD-yIDU_Zsqg/ Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me this might not feel like a really exciting day for you guys this is a really exciting day for melissa and i because i have been working for the last like three weeks we haven't recorded we haven't recorded like a month almost yeah we uh well it was like the 26th so yeah three weeks ago three weeks so we pre-recorded recorded a few episodes which we haven't done in a while i know we're just used to seeing each other all the time even like even when we weren't recording episodes every week we'd still like work out so like i'm used to seeing you at least once a week no truly the the longest we've gone without seeing each other was when when you went home for christmas yeah

and that's it though like that's it and that's and that has been going on since however long we start the podcast like i'm used to seeing you every day for the last like what yeah three years yeah four so because it was 17 18 19 20 oh no three math my math was wrong you were right it's great it was also i just like word mom at three and i was like who knows if it'll be right um so this is really exciting for us we already started recording and then we just spent we just recorded an 11 minute clip of us just gossiping and being like we can't put this in the episode and that was before like we've been talking for the last 40 minutes yes so you guys are missing some great tea yeah um you know uh fuck how do we start this oh this is an advice podcast

if you guys are new here and you want to call for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com what other housekeeping things we haven't said any of them what are what are what are some things we'd like to share with the class that we can't share with the class we're not like keeping any like secret projects for you guys it was mostly just like you know me being shady about someone who texted me yeah um oh you moved my new spot how good does it look if you guys aren't watching the video switch on to the video see this the brightness the color i'm also loving the color coordination of the yellow and pink pillows very on brand thank you they're purple

oh really yeah oh they are okay oh those look oh those look soft let's hop into our first call i can't wait to get real advice hi megan and melissa probably no guests because of covid um i'm gonna stay where i work if you could just beep out the state i'd really appreciate that um so i'm a 21 year old libra and i will be graduating in december with my bachelor's in science and human development and Family Studies. Right now, I'm working for Democratic Senators for their digital team. I love my job and I'm really interested in pursuing both the digital communication and politics portion of my job after I graduate. Originally, I was planning on getting my

Bachelor's in Science of Nursing after this degree, but I just really can't see myself pursuing a career in nursing. My mom, who's a Leo, is really pushing me to go down the BSN path. So I was giving advice to a friend, I would probably just tell them to sit down and talk to their mom about the situation, but my situation is a little bit different because I have type 1 diabetes. And a career in nursing would give me much better pay and insurance, especially starting out. The pay is an issue for my mom because she's really scared I won't be able to be financially

stable and the insurance is something that worries both of us. I don't know how much you guys know about the cost of insulin or diabetes care in general in america but my without insurance is about 40 to 50 grand a year um i have really good insurance under my mom right now and it's still really expensive um like my supplies runs 500 to 600 every three months um i would just love just love some advice from a third party on what i should do in this situation how to talk to my mom um what you guys would do in this situation really any advice um just on how to pick a practical job versus a job that you'll actually love uh thank you guys so much jesus this is awful like america and

prescription drugs like the whole health care center system the like you having to have to choose between doing something you love and doing a job just so that you can have insurance is just fucked up it's insane and even the thing that i think is the most ridiculous is like i'm on adderall adderall for adhd and adderall is notoriously expensive without insurance and like to get to your uh deductible and all of that sort of stuff and i won't i won't be able to function like a normal human being without it but i won't die and it is not even a fraction like it would not cost me that much a year and like that's the thing that I think is so fucking insane so uh serendipitously enough I know someone who is an actor who literally went to nursing school

because uh they're a diabetic and they they needed the insurance um because yeah that was like it was the same thing it was like okay acting is their passion they love it they still audition they still like work and they do that stuff when they when they can and when they need to and uh I'm not sure if they're done with their schooling specifically yet um but that that's that's literally why they were going into like working on like doing nursing too I think the thing I would say for you is I would I don't know if there's like a is is there a way that you could do both like is there a way that you could have a job in nursing that's not like being like an like being like a nurse at a hospital could you do something that is maybe a little bit more fulfilling for you

that's what I was thinking too oh you doing like a hospice sort of thing or doing something that is more part-time or like being like a personal nurse for someone a couple days a week and then volunteering and doing other stuff in politics as well because i think you're in a position where you could do so much a great like advocating for like universal health care yeah unfortunately health is a political issue here in america so i feel like there is a job somewhere that bridges the two yeah i agree i agree even if it's like if you're working at the hospital in the social media department because most hospitals have social media i mean you can be like i can i'm just like i don't know if this exists or if you could help this exist or something where it's like

ask a nurse where it's not like like it's like a social media thing it's not like you giving like specific health advice but knowing that you can come from like an educated point of view on the topics um yeah i feel like there's something that that can that that there's a job that you can do both that bridges the gap and it might take some time to figure out what that is or even bringing it to somebody and saying this is what i want to do or creating your own i know creating your own actually doesn't work right now because you're trying to get your health insurance but yeah yeah this because you can work in the medical field and reap the benefits of almost all almost all of the benefits um of uh health insurance for people who also work in the medical

field without actually like you could potentially work if you worked for um like like a like a medical school in like advocacy or something like that I think you could I would think I don't have a ton of knowledge all I know is I grew up with a parent who worked in the medical field but like not uh not like a doctor not like a yeah like a nurse or anything like that so I but I like had great insurance as a kid growing up because of that um and so I wonder if there is a way for you to like be able to do both and I would also say I think the your like your education everything that you're doing I think the great thing about um politics and like working in politics is so much of it is volunteer based so I think even if you take like okay so like right now I've got I

need to like set myself up so worst case scenario that I am that health care continues to be this continues to be incredibly expensive and like there's nothing no changes or advancements happen in like the payment of insulin and stuff like that this is like what how i'm setting myself up but if you maintain the contacts and like the political world and all of that sort of stuff just like human experience and like life experience is experience for politics and advocating for that kind of stuff so i think if you can prioritize your like your physical health and leaving leaving space for you to do these things that you really like that make your that that's like a career that would really like make you super happy and like really fulfilled finding a way that you always

have room for that and that there's room for that to expand and become your full-time job if and fingers crossed when let's manifest that shit when we get to a place in the world where you don't have to you don't have to be concerned about affording to survive like because it is like it's a really really tough thing and I think it's it sucks that that's it's a choice but and yeah I know people who've done this exact same thing who've like gone into nursing not because they like it's their passion but because like oh well my passion can't I can't sustain that like I'm not going to be able to afford it which is that shit fucking crazy I wonder if there's also any um what insurance is like working for any uh like i guess you have to be

i don't really really i should really understand because my dad has a non-profit but i don't really understand how that works like insurance wise with a non-profit like if you were able to work for something um do social media for like uh like the national like a diabetes like something that's like a i forget what it's called the one that nick jonas is a spokesperson for but if you were working for something like that that does a lot of uh political initiative and like right trying to write bills and do all of that stuff to like pass or like advocating for like uh for like knowledge and understanding in the classrooms and with peers and all of that stuff i wonder what the health insurance is like for that but i don't know because it's i guess those are

non-profits america is trash so trash it's stupid i'm pissed off for you me too but sending you um lots of positive thoughts through this which sounds like so corny and shitty but like it does suck to kind of feel like you're choosing you don't really get you know i mean like you're not like you're choosing between something you don't want to you don't want to have to choose between hi again melissa i got cut off the first time so i'm going to try to be a lot quicker i'm 20 years old i'm a capricorn i'm dating an aquarius and i've been dating for nine months now basically i'm calling about how to navigate the feeling of dating musicians who seems to mostly write a lot of songs about his exes i feel like i have a really healthy relationship with my

boyfriend and we have a lot of great communication but due to some communication errors in the past and beginning of the relationship i felt a little compared to his exes so then that kind of stemmed some insecurity and jealousy issues with me and I've never really been in a relationship where my partner's really been friends with their exes or thought about their exes and the only time I have been in that situation is with the one person who cheated on me with their ex but in my case now my boyfriend's four years older than me and he's friends with his exes so that's kind of unfamiliar territory for me but on top of that he writes a lot of songs about his exes and he produces these songs and he writes them he releases them and some of them were written years ago but also some of

them are still being written today and released today um so this has kind of caused his exes to be like a taboo topic where we can't really talk about them but i'm starting to kind of feel bad about that um because i want to hear about those formative times in his life because relationships are such a big part in their lives and i also want to talk about mine um my past experiences without feeling like a hypocrite um but I just feel weird knowing that he kind of has to put himself there mentally all the time like in this place of heartbreak and love and devastation and all of those feelings of break in a breakup and he has to write about the in the song almost every single day so just being with someone who's constantly thinking about their exes I'm just

not sure how to navigate that feeling and I don't want to censor him I don't want him to not write songs about his exes, and I don't want to make him feel like he's not allowed to have these thoughts or feelings. I just kind of want to find a way to cope with my feelings and insecurities without sacrificing him being able to talk about what he wants to. And I've talked about this with my therapist, and we've gotten a lot better about getting weird, whatever he mentions in ex, but it's still something kind of difficult that we're both not sure how to navigate.

and he reassures me he does a great job but um at the end of the day i still kind of don't know how to feel about being with someone who's thinking about their exes all the time as opposed to usually someone who's moved kind of thinks more forward but he has to you know use them as muses for his music um that's basically it um it causes a lot of anxiety for me but i'm just trying to figure it out and see what ways i can talk myself down from the sledges thank you so much for your your help i'm not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill but um i just wanted some perspective and advice on it thank you so much have a great day my number one question is he writing songs about you and are they happy ones that's what i was going to say because you've said that you

that he's writing songs about heartache and like breaking up and stuff so i mean like yes he has to put his mind his mind in that mindset but it's not a good mindset it's not like he's thinking about them in like a positive light and if he's not writing bad songs about you that's a plus as well but i do get that he is constantly thinking about them but if you're going to constantly think about somebody at least you're making money off them true and you're not thinking about like the good good times yeah i think if he's writing songs about you that are like that that have this clear distinction between like oh okay these are heartbreak sad songs and obviously you're not going to draw from like our relationship to write that kind of stuff

and that or just like sad songs is he like adele like our sad songs like his thing the other thing i would say is like i don't know how much you've had conversations with him about it because i think i have friends who are musicians and like a lot of the time they'll like you know draw from a specific experience but then also a lot of the time it's like oh you know that feeling when as opposed to like oh this person i specifically dated and this is what went down between us um and all of that kind of stuff uh and i would also just so i think like talking about x you guys they've been together for almost a year i think she said something similar to that i think that like talking about x's i think talking about like your past and like talking about like

formative years and like memories or specific things that like your exes happen to be at like great that's like totally fine and i think if there's like a specific thing with an ex that like you want to talk about because like it's coming back up with your current relationship but i'm also a little bit curious how he just like brings up his exes all of like in that way because like at a certain point it's just kind of unnecessary in a way she said that they're still friends oh okay so they're still friends but he's writing these heartbreak songs about them does it feel kind of like the one that got away there's still a lot of sad feelings there and like he's writing these essentially like not take me back but like you know like there's still a lot

of emotions there and they're still in his life oh yeah that's weird that's weird to me but i'm also like you know a jealous person but as if if you want to go like off astrological signs like as a Aquarius like I can completely yeah shut off those feelings and they mean nothing like I can write about the type like about like I use a lot of experiences that I go through in my writing and like I can still be friends with somebody and use those experiences when I write so like I completely get where he's coming from yeah um I think the thing is you just have to kind of honor your feelings and I don't think that like this idea that you need to kind of like push through it if you don't feel comfortable like if you're fine if it's kind of like okay I know he

has to think about his exes and they're in his music and they're friends with him and all that stuff so like that's as much as I can handle I don't want to just have like random conversations about them or reminisce talking about them out of those two contexts out of the fact that like they're still in his life they're still friends and he's writing music like I just don't want any more than that like my plate is full of them I think that's fine like I don't think you need to be I don't think you need to like power through and just kind of like continue to have conversations if you don't feel comfortable with it and it might just be like this is just overwhelming and it's too much like can you be okay with him writing songs with them and are you also okay

with him being friends with his exes and then digest that before you decide like oh and i want to be cool talking about them all the time because like i don't think you need to be um but i think if for him if he really like i i know people who like because you're not like you're friends with your exes but you're also not not like not in like a oh fuck everyone else like regardless what how anyone else like feels comfortability like these are my friends like you're very much like a okay is there new partners or like their new girl are they okay with being friends and like if someone i'm talking like is this is this comfortable for everybody um but if he's kind of one of those you know musicians who like loves to be tortured and like loves to like just be

fucking sad and like have all that i have friends who are like that too who kind of are just like oh fuck what anyone else thinks like this is like this is what i need for my art and in that case i would just say bye yeah because your comfort should also be like a factor in this and like i think it's it's already a lot to digest and i think like you don't need to like go above and beyond then what you want to or feel comfortable with and also doesn't make you a hypocrite by you talking about your like and if he makes you feel like that that's just like gaslighting as fuck to be like what like you're allowed to have feelings about hey uh this makes me feel a certain way when like we talk about your exes when i already know that you're thinking of them and you're already

doing all this stuff and like blah blah blah and then we talk about memories with them even more just kind of feels like a little like stuck in the past and really wistful when i'm like not a part of your past um but yeah I just and I also would assume that this if this doesn't get better I think you talk about exes at like the first like third of your like the first like couple months of being together I'm like once you're together together that's when like the ex conversations come up and it can kind of like there's some like jealousy there and all of that stuff but it like fades out not just your feelings but like the as much as you talk about them because like you already know in a way so i think if it doesn't get better then i would be like like if moth and

i still talk about rx is like the same amount that like we did when we first started like i'm like oh that's i know who that bitch is okay not in like a bad way but like i know who she is i know who that is i know who she is like okay cool got it down but like you don't need to keep going going going going and take it how to take a creative writing class like just like draw on feelings not like is it can you imagine if the songs are like really fucking specific like is he he like ariana grande's like says her fucking name i would just then you're like in the crowd like like waving your fucking like lighter except it's over that anymore everybody does the phone it's true true true true true true and you're doing

it over like his zoom i guess you did you turn 27 now and you just like get old okay last question i have for this girl is his music good do you mean it seems like he's like making a living off of it maybe yeah can we hear it i would love to hear you facts though if you fucking send us the songs of the ex-girlfriends i feel like we'll be able to like i think we'll be able to give you a much more like hey you should be worried or i think you're fine like if we can compare a song about you and then a song about an ex but part of me thinks if she's like concerned and worried about it it's not like a uh like taylor swift we are never getting back together it's a little bit more like you know adele when we were young yeah the one the one

that got away yeah that's like what i'm thinking yeah hi megan melissa and potential guest um i'm 21, bi, and a cancer calling in about some friendship advice. I know you guys like obviously aren't the arbiters of all queer issues but hopefully you can be of some help. One of my oldest friends who's a Gemini posted a meme about straight people pretending to be queer. She's a lesbian and often posts things with a similar tone every so often and while I know is probably not about me, I have to admit that I've been taking it kind of personally. While I've dated like men, women, and non-binary people, I've only ever been in actual relationships with straight dudes. It feels like when she posts memes about who can say they're queer and who

can't, I probably come to mind along with several of our mutual friends who are bisexual and currently dating men. My question is, I'm really torn. Should I be offended by this or am I making it about me. I tend to be really wary of invalidating other people's sexuality, but maybe she's also speaking on a real issue. Are memes like that biphobic or otherwise alienating to queer people? Also, how can I stop the nagging feeling that she's subbing me? And is that my own internalized homophobia making me insecure? Thank you guys. I love your show so much. Please be harsh if i need to hear it or i don't know if i'm not asking the right questions all right bye guys no you do not need to hear harsh advice because you are this isn't call for no and also

you are a sweet cancer baby and i would never do that to you because my best friend sydney is a cancer and if anyone says they're a fucking cancer when they call in full i will we i will fully i will i was listening to a podcast before this and the lady was um she's a psychic and she was talking about like she was doing some of it and it was like cancer stuff and so she was like i've been going through all these people's emotions and now i need like a little break from that yeah it's like sponges like full-on like maternal paternal whatever if there's a gender uh neutral term of uh parental internal internal sponges um i obviously like we can't speak off like like you're saying we can't speak on it from like personal uh experience but i mean i i'm learning

a ton about biphobia in like current like current day now and a lot about how it is like super predominant like how it is like super predominant especially um within like the lgbtq uh ia plus community um and i think that like regardless of like what the issue is like your feelings are valid like it doesn't have to be about you to feel like if you feel and like i think there's like a quote i forget what the exact like usually i use it in terms that are like much more condescending than this one but if it's like if you read something and you feel like and you think that it's about you like that's on like i didn't say it was about you like you said that yeah but that also applies in these kinds of situations like if you read something and it

kind of like rings true i wouldn't necessarily say that that's just on you that can be like hey my relationship with this person specifically makes me feel like that this could be about me not like as like a oh a mass post from like a fuck jerry account or something where you're like oh i feel personally attacked it's like this is someone who I know and I would also think that like at least for when I post something like I think about obviously like how it will be interpreted but like especially if there's something like about like a specific person that like I'm friends with where I go oh actually what if they what if someone thinks this is about them and it's not like I'm not I'm not going to do that and I think like yeah I mean again I can't I can't I can't come

at it from like a critical eye because i'm not in that community but it is it is a little like gatekeeping in a way that like most people most of like the the people i know who identify as bi i came to that realization and understanding when they were in like heterosexual relationships and it's super common for people to i have friends who've come out as bi like once married like once in like and have never and to this day have only ever been with men but like are that doesn't make them any any less any less by any less attracted to women at all but and you've dated women it's just that you haven't been in a relationship with one so it's not like i i'm just like how you identify is how you identify that's for you and that's not for

someone else if she's saying things that you think are offensive or biphobic then reach out to her and maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing or maybe she does know exactly what she's doing and she's being disrespectful for to you so yeah I think it's just worth a conversation with her no totally because these are not like these are such huge emotions to process of being like is my friend biphobic or is this my own internalized homophobia like those are really fucking heavy things to process and deal with and like that's not that's not all on you at all like that is something that like have that conversation with her and talk to her um about it because there's also ways to talk about issues that aren't alienating other members of the

community and like there are ways like if you want to talk about like oh uh like because it's it seems like the intention of the post was like you know like a straight girl's queer baiting if like if you want to talk about queer baiting and that kind of a thing um and having that be a conversation without also kind of lumping like by people into that narrative and like making that big distinction even if it wasn't her goal like it does like you're right it does kind of include like you're like oh wow this feels like it could be about me and I think the the thing that I uh i as a straight person like i i i knew i liked boys before i ever kissed a boy or like had a boyfriend or anything like that and it seems so backwards that that doesn't apply for a lot of

people uh thinking about like people who are bi where it's like uh oh you just or even like the same thing that happens to um gay people too it's like it's like oh you just haven't been with the right woman yet or you haven't been with right man yet and it's like no one invalidated your like heterosexuality when like you just had a crush and you've never like nobody at once ever invalidated my feelings for like liking boys before i had ever like been intimate with someone or had a boyfriend but like as soon as it's something that's like not you know the traditional like heteronormative it's like oh no like you don't how can you know that you don't know that and it's like the same way that anybody know like it's just it's just a it's just a fucking fact

yeah and also the fact that like there's the we're getting better with representation now but even still like we live in like a heteronormative society so like it does make total sense why a lot of people would not come to that conclusion that like oh like if you didn't grow up knowing that and having it be accepted that like gender is a fucking construct like uh cis people married cis people like they're all they're all of these different like anyone can marry anyone it all like love is love and all of that kind of stuff you didn't grow up in that kind of way it can be really hard to identify like to eat if you can't identify with the things that you're seeing how the fuck are you also supposed to know how you identify or how you feel because you're like i've

only ever seen one thing so i didn't even know there's another fucking option to to feel or think a certain way to define the emotions of things i'm already thinking i'm already feeling like i don't have the words for it yet or the knowledge or understanding um but i say talk to her about it and i i would really like urge you to not uh not put it on you in the conversation and not be like i don't know if i'm being too sensitive or i don't know if i like i and like totally feel free to tell me if I'm wrong I would just point blank be super honest like hey I saw that post you made and uh I'm not sure if it was your intention but to me it felt I I definitely kind of took it personally and it felt pretty biphobic and that's it and you don't and not

like a justification for her um in that sort of a thing because I think already just from how you've worded this call and also from all of the cancers in my life uh tending to like absorb responsibility and like all of that emotion and like processing it for other people and then kind of like processing your own emotions that other people have done for you and then kind of giving back a watered down version to like make it easier and like to not put awkwardness on other people or uncomfortability on other people but when someone makes you feel uncomfortable it's not your responsibility to not make them feel uncomfortable as you tell them that they made you feel uncomfortable yep but i would also think that this community of our podcast has a lot of

great things to say so if you guys are comfortable talking about in the comments please do on the youtube comments if you're also in our facebook group um i'm sure there's a lot of other people who can relate to this kind of kind of stuff because i i mean i just see fucking twitter and like in instagram infographics about it a lot and hear people talking about it but i'm also not a part of the community so i'm sure it's even only talk about what we've observed but not from personal experience but i started doing like a phone a friend yeah true but i've also learned so much about how like biphobia is um just like ingrained in or like the double standards of it is like so ingrained in our society how like it's so uh like it's hot for two girls to make it out

to make out with each other and like my friends and I definitely all made out with each other in high school and that sort of a thing and like I think back on it I'm like as far as I mean like I was never I don't think I ever like questioned my sexuality but like the fact that like it was just so you're just doing it to do it doing it to do it and also doing it because like guys told us it was hot and in that way but the same way I have like friends who didn't come out and I went to like a really progressive and inclusive high school but I had friends who didn't feel comfortable coming out in high school like guy friends who came out as gay and it's like there is there is that double standard where like girl on girl hot guy on guy not hot like what like that's these

things that are socially acceptable versus not but then also a huge amount of the reason why it's like girl on girls making out is like because straight men think it's for them and like that's they just like have to own everything and like and it the whole thing is just like so so absolutely fucked so i think your feelings are very valid and i think you should talk to her about it yeah not nice it's also like so not nice when you see someone post something and like you just feel like it's about you and like not like a funny like co-star astrology meme way or not like when somebody posts something like about a racist and then racists actually get triggered and they get angry about it and you're like okay so so you are racist yep so what you're

saying so you're telling me that the shoe fits okay okay icky feelings icky feelings um we're sending you lots of love and support and um yeah i hope i hope this comes to like a a satisfying and positive conclusion for you even if it's not maybe it doesn't maybe if it doesn't feel that way in the exact moment progress that's the goal okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hello megan and melissa i just wanted to ask my question i've been dating my boyfriend for four years and we've talked about marriage pretty consistently for the past couple years

and his family and my family are very pro it happening and I have I was kind of uncomfortable with at the beginning because I didn't think I was ready but I feel like I am ready now and when I do talk we talk about rings and it's all like very positive but whenever I talk to my partner about it he's always like it's gonna happen when it happens and I just I want to be it's not that I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm like yes it's going to happen and I'm like so obsessed with it but I feel like I'm at a stage now where it makes sense for me to have that thing happen in my life I'm just wondering how do I speak to him about it without sounding like this is an ultimatum and I want you to do it but just being like

is it going to happen should I put my heart set on it because it is something that I want to do and he has said that he wants to do I don't know I don't want to sound like some crazy like person that's like oh my god you have to marry me and I'm gonna be like in unfulfilled if you don't but it just seems that like I'm putting my heart into something and maybe he's not or he's just like kind of blasé about it anyway honestly this sounds saying it out loud sounds really dumb but everyone around me is like yes it's gonna happen and I'm like I really don't think it's not but I do want it to happen and I just would like some advice on how to speak to him without sounding like I'm desperate anyways I love the podcast and I really admire your honesty and the advice

that you give to people I yeah it would just be really great to see what you say i don't feel good about this my thing is like they're looking at rings they're talking about it but she's not convinced yeah so what is it that he's saying or doing that's making you convinced that it's actually not going to happen that's what i want to know too and also when you said i just don't want him to think that i'm desperate that to me i'm like oh girl you've been dating for fucking four years and if he's given you the feeling that you asking hey when is this going to happen like it's just you know you've been dating months for four years and you know that you're getting married we talk every single day in your mind no doubt there's no doubt

in my mind that they're getting married that's what i'm confused about this is that like we are in very similar positions in the sense that like moths and i have a date we've been dating almost almost five years now which is fucking insane um but like i have no doubts where i stand and where he stands and i think that the ultimatum question i i don't think that you're confident and kind of convinced that this is what he wants and he is going to do it because it's not even like i thought you were going to say like an ultimatum about like i need to be like i like ring by spring or whatever those fucking things are but like there's no timeline in like this like hypothetical ultimatum of yours it's just that like

I want it I want to get married and I think that like okay so when you say like well I wasn't wasn't sure so sure but like now I like I want to like what at the beginning I wasn't so sure like yeah so four years ago obvious like that's kind of like a common thing like four years ago I I don't know if I knew I wanted to like I mean I think I probably like knew after like a year of dating mods that I was like I feel like this is who I'm gonna end up with um but like I wasn't ready and like the whole point is like yeah you keep dating and then you're until you're like until you reach the age in which you're ready and so you are that now and if he's made you feel at all that like you didn't want to four years ago so like why like you now is like being desperate

i think you need to like take away what everybody else is saying on the sidelines like your friends your family like his family and all of that and like how is he when it's you too like do you actually believe it because I think there is like you know always that thing people are like oh well like you know he's probably just gonna propose like right now and like that's why he's like being so shady about it and it's like yeah maybe but like also at the same time like I don't know anybody who was so blind I mean I know a couple people who've been like completely blindsided by proposals why most people know and like the fact that like you're so unsure if you guys are on the same page yet you still talk about it makes me think like you said what is he saying or what is

he not saying that makes you question it because like there is a way to say like i think if we didn't if i didn't hear the tone of your voice and all of this stuff like if there's a way if you just told me like oh yeah my boyfriend says like well it'll happen when it happens like then i'm like oh like he just wants it to be a surprise but everything else about this just makes it be like oh that it kind of sounds like like now it sounds like a cop-out like now it sounds like a you know you know maybe it's gonna happen you know one day maybe yeah potentially and also it's not if you don't want to if you want to get married like that's not like a oh i'm being a crazy girl who like will only date you if you like marry me like no like that

that's like if you want to get married that that's like that's a deal breaker like that doesn't make you annoying or make you controlling or make you like a certain kind of like person at all just like if you want to you want to I want to bitch I want dental insurance I constantly I'm like should we just get married now so I can hop on that insurance boy but uh yeah I think you have to have like a really like not an ultimatum conversation because i don't necessarily think that if he's not all in you don't giving an ultimatum just means you have a dude who's not all in who like is that just doing it i think you need to have like a really honest conversation and just be like hey like i know we've talked about this like in hypotheticals and like our

families and stuff but like taking out everybody else's input and like feelings like what how do you feel and like don't say what you feel first just let him like fucking take the reins of the conversation and be like i want to hear your 100 honesty because i think that's the way that you'll get the actual answer because right now it's just like so unsure like that's such a mind fuck like i'm i'm just so confused by him and you should never feel like like desperate with a partner that you've had for four years like ever like that's such like that should be a feeling within your relationship that's like fucking eradicated like you should be like farting in front of each other like fucking like just like burping each other's face there's like gross

shit like it shouldn't be like a oh i don't want to come across as desperate right yeah next call best of luck on this situation please let us know what happens hi megan melissa um hello so i'm going through this weird thing where I just outed my rapist publicly online. It's been a few years coming and it finally happened. It was the right time. And when I did it, a few other women did it right after me and followed suit. Since then, our posts have kind of gained a lot of traction in our community. I've been gaining so many messages, so many new followers, having like a bunch of new people look at my stories. I'm not used to this much attention. And it feels like this is the first time my voice is actually being listened to and heard and respected. So now I'm faced with

this point where I'm kind of a leader and spearheading this movement of outing racists and keeping my community safe in my town. I'm talking to businesses, council people. It's weird. My question, I guess, is I'm having people reach out to me, kind of sharing their own personal traumas of sexual assault, et cetera. And I'm trying to be there for everybody. And I'm an empath, and I want to be there and support everyone as much as I possibly can. But I'm kind of burned out. I just broke up with my long-term boyfriend. I'm moving cities at the end of this month. I came out to my mother, and now I just outed my rapist, and a bunch of people are in my inboxes asking for guidance, support, and advice. My question is, how do you, especially

as people who host this podcast, how do you manage helping others while also maintaining boundaries and taking care of yourself at the same time i'm feeling kind of burnt out but i also really want to keep this going and keep my voice heard and utilize it while i have it um i know this is a weird one so if you have any thoughts or ideas i would so love to hear it and i really appreciate you guys thank you you're incredible oh my god and i can just like i can i can totally see why people are like really gravitating towards you like even just your like even just like how you speak in this like you are like so dynamic and like engaging and also like yeah it's fucking it's incredible and so inspiring um first of all congratulations for

like for your fucking like like life for this and like being able to do this like it's such and being an inspiration for oh yeah too it's and and i think that it can feel really hard to like carry the weight of that when it's something that is like so deeply personal to you and like is such a personal win to have people like hear your story and hear you out on this thing that you felt silenced for so long um and then have it kind yeah kind of come with these with these like side effects of something that is really really hard for you to talk about um and like listen and be there for people we wholeheartedly wholeheartedly understand that um I think the first thing I would say is work on um shifting your mindset because this temporary

mindset that like people are only listening to me for like this amount of time blah blah blah blah like taking advantage of it while you have it is it sounds really inspiring but it puts so much pressure on you that this is like you have this window of opportunity and like make the most of it and this is your life like this is your life and it's also your trauma like it doesn't have like a 15 minutes of fame sort of thing um and you're everything that you've done and your story it it it helps people in years to come like you don't have to actively be behind it every step of the way and just putting something out there and talking about it one time helps people and those people then help other people and all of that that responsibility is not on you to continue

to continue like a momentum of it because like it's yeah it it's a momentum that is rooted in like trauma and healing and that's not something that's like linear and something that you can then just like shed your own personal feelings for and kind of like power through I think it's important to take breaks a lot of the time and I think it might feel like a lot of pressure on you to respond to people to hear people out because you didn't feel like other people heard you out but it's like what we say with all this stuff like you can't like fill someone else's glass from an empty one and you do need to create those boundaries and i definitely i've talked with this with uh a couple of my friends who are also like youtubers who've shared like mental health or

trauma related stuff and it just gets to a point where you have to pick and choose the people who you can respond to and i think this is gonna sound harsh but also um it can be really hard to help people if they're trying if they're if they haven't done any work and their own trauma and their own self-reflection so like there are dms that are like it's just putting a lot on someone else of being like you saved my life i wouldn't be here like i don't know what to do like you're the only thing in my like you're the only person who i can come to with all that it puts so much pressure on you for a situation and a person who you actually don't have any of that control over of their life or their situation but when other people feel like

you do it can make you feel like you do and I think for you like if there are messages of people who are like thank you for sharing your story and if you feel compelled to answer answer certain people but don't feel obligated to because it sucks you can't help like in a way like there's like a certain thing like your story will help people but that's a story that people can come back to and reflect on and think about and sit with but you as a person it is not your responsibility as like a living breathing person in that moment to help people 24 hours a day because you you can't unless they they have to do so much of their own their own work to get to a place in which they can share that your story has helped them and not asked have asked you specifically because you're

already like if you're talking to like local businesses and doing all that stuff like you're putting in all of this fucking legwork to create like a safe system and like a community in place to like or or yeah system in place to make your community like a safer place and like more educated on the subject but for a day-to-day sort of aspect there are certain things you can't help yeah you can't help and i think also you should be in a support group so that because you've got all this these burdens on you and everything's holding you down but like you still went through your own your own trauma you're through it but now you're carrying other people's trauma as well and so like you asked us like how do we get through things with giving advice on this podcast

when the cameras go off we still there's some things that we still like talk about off camera and so having that having someone else to talk to that's gone through the same thing as you will help you tremendously yeah and there's also calls that we don't answer and like there are certain things and like i think the thing and it's something i've really had to learn is like you can only help people who want to be helped and we can only do it at a certain point so like if one of us is like not doing so hot mental mental health wise like we're not going to answer certain questions about it or there's like certain things in our own lives that like we don't answer questions on the podcast that pertain to that thing in our lives because like

i don't want to talk about we don't want to talk about it because it's not it's it's not productive or there are calls that i i don't i wouldn't i would just there there's something where i think we've all been in that place if we're like talking depression wise we've all been in that place where it's like i'm so depressed and like no one can help and i can't do anything and then we can't do anything so answer like answering those sort of things is really really hard um because at least for me i know when i'm in like a good mental health place especially with like dms and that stuff like i i want to give like a cheat sheet and like so people don't have to do the exact same go through the exact same thing that i felt but i'm like people could

have said so much fucking shit to me when I was at this place in my life and it wouldn't have mattered because like I wasn't ready to get help I wasn't ready to like feel better and like I was just like at fucking rock bottom and I needed to be there for a while and like no no one could fucking pull me out except me and it can be hard when you are not at rock bottom and seeing somebody else there and wanting to surpass and skip over all of the fucking legwork that you had to do to pull yourself out you want to like give someone the cheat sheet to do it and you can't and that's super super hard um but I think it's making sure that you are in touch with your feelings and your emotions and creating boundaries like creating boundaries online something that like I've

I I did a couple of years ago like not verbally but have done it like more so verbally now where it's like there are certain times people like you know I'm doing a Q&A and I'm like don't ask me about how i handle being depressed because i'm not handling it well right now and like i don't have anything to tell you or especially people like how do you stop picking your skin i'm like i don't know i do it all the time like yeah it can be really hard to come out because a lot of people don't come out and talk about things until they're past it and then there's this idea that like trauma and mental health and all that stuff that like it's a hump you get over and now you're better and you're fine and we can have like you know like rachel hollis and all those fucking

bullshit self-help people to thank for that that like it's a phase in your life uh that like it's like a time in your life and you move past it and you're not and that's not how it works and so you can't be a the face of something like this and people have a hard time not associating someone with like the like oh this person has solved it help me solve it and you're like I'm coping I'm coping every day like every other person and some days I feel good enough and strong enough that I can talk about it in a way that is intentional and I'm not bearing too much of myself and putting too much of myself out there like I don't feel too vulnerable I feel secure in what I'm saying and how much I'm sharing and then other times I'm not and I think if you can be explicit with those

boundaries with people and I would also just say too is there's a huge distinction between people who like will send messages or whatever who have like a really nuanced great understanding of mental health and I really appreciate those people and I've thought about like if I ever do anything talking about mental health explicitly again I will specifically ask for people to form like their questions in a certain way of being like there are certain things if you send me are just triggering and really hard and I would never want to send you those specific things because they would also trigger you and I think that people can detach that there's a human behind it but i if you i would prefer if you send me a message you ask me for you ask my consent first before

you talk about something saying hi like hey and like i get great messages of being like hey i'm really going through um some like bad like mental health stuff right now uh i would love to talk to you about it if you are in if you have the capacity and you're able to right now and that's the message and there's no more and then it's like a yes i can say i'm there or i'm like i can't right now but like here's a great like resource or something like that we need to normalize asking people consent before unloading trauma and i think i've i've learned so much of that through uh the black lives matter movement of like not unloading racial trauma onto people and i read some like just fantastic eye-opening articles about like how how like we don't talk

about trauma in general and shit like this enough and so then the second someone opens the door we fucking floodgate and we need to start asking people consent for that because it's it's it's like it's a it's a it's emotionally draining just as much as something's physically draining um and it's about creating those boundaries with the people that follow you and recognizing that you as a person and you as a story and what you put out there your story is what is going to be super helpful but you can't help individually every single person and it's hard like in my personal life too like someone that I know constantly calls well they were constantly calling me and like before they even asked how I was doing they would just go in on whatever issue

they were going through at that moment and at some point I just was like you know what like I can't deal with this right now how about when you call me and if you have a problem first ask me how I'm doing and then um and then we can see if I'm able to deal with this um and then I can tell you like yeah go ahead share but it's just I think it's the main thing here is just setting up your boundaries and you said that you're moving soon too so that might be a good reset of things as well and then also good content watch like get into funny shows enjoy that kind of stuff like give yourself uh like unplug unplugging time like if we have like a really heavy call um in this like i'll like watch brooklyn 99 for a couple hours like give yourself

this is like your trauma it's not your life you know like there needs to be a distinction for you but fucking amazing like it's it's absolutely amazing and it's also like you're just as amazing and impressive if you've only if you answer one message about this or none like just sharing your story there is no hierarchy of like what uh you should be doing with this because you shouldn't even be in this position but you are and you're doing great things update update time for an update it's time for an update update update update update um what who uh who what episode what's the original call i was like who is it um this is from episode 10 from season six uh the caller she her boyfriend that she's been with for

some years um said that he wants to be in a polyamorous relationship and said that it was a deal breaker years ago but has not acted on it and so here's somebody here's her calling back with an update to this story. So update from the girl and her boyfriend who wanted a poly relationship, mainly her boyfriend. So to clarify, he's reminded me every six months of our four and a half year relationship that he still wants that type of relationship. And I guess I've always been in a monogamous relationship. So I just thought maybe I was doing something wrong when he brought it up, you know, thinking he wasn't serious about it. But it kind of became the main topic a few months ago when we started discussing marriage more seriously and so we had to talk about his

deal breaker quote unquote and it was so hurtful knowing that he would drop our relationship if I wasn't down to at least try so I don't know what it's doing to me mentally I probably need to go see a therapist now but we agreed that we would try seeking the next four years before I decide to have kids and if we don't find somebody suitable then it would just be us and I still don't know how to feel about this but whether or not it ends up working out i'll let y'all know but yes i agree that he can be a bit manipulative sometimes even showing sociopath like tendencies um but yeah thank you for responding to my call and i love y'all so much okay bye okay now okay before we were talking about him now let's talk about you i think that's where we need to go next

because what do you want if this like you don't want to be in this relationship you don't want to be in a polyamorous relationship i mean you want to be with him but not with someone else and it hurts your feelings the thought of him thinking that there needs to be more people in this relationship um and so and you said that he has sociopathic tendencies does this sound like a fucking i'm picture this is what all of the bitches who love ted bundy sound like yeah like are you with him like you address that he can be manipulative and i think i mean him bringing it up every six months like how do you get out of that conversation every six months for like you've done that eight times you've had that conversation eight times

at least like what happens like how does the conversation end like and that's what like i yeah i'm gonna need some like accountability on your end for like he brings it up every six months and you don't think he's serious he's brought that up at least it like at least eight fucking times and you don't think he's serious so like how do you get out of that conversation every time like do you get out of it by saying like you know what like let's think about like i'll think about like are you like you know like keeping that door open for him while like in your mind and like how you feel is like it's like a fuck no but like are you making it sound like it is a possibility because like that seems super fucking weird and also if you're knowing that you

feel like you thought that he wasn't serious and it's just because he wasn't like getting enough from you like your communication skills are not there at all if like that's how you felt after that and like you're now walking into that and like going to try to to do that it just doesn't it just doesn't make sense i want i to therapize you i wonder what if you have any sort of uh you know mommy issues daddy issues of like not feeling like you are enough growing up and this is your ultimate i'm gonna be enough which i very much relate to as somebody whose type has always been fuck boy and like taming the fuck boy and all of that i would analyze that in yourself of like and 100 go to therapy but like it does seem like you want to you want to win him you want to

win a guy who wants to be in a polyamorous relationship and like weirdly enough it doesn't even sound like you're like invalidating like polyamory at all it's just kind of more like a self-loathing thing that this is like I should be enough like you're putting all of this on you and like it's like like you're self-sabotaging in like a game that you can't win and like I that's something that like I've totally done but that's something like fucking talk about that in therapy because like you are putting yourself in the line of you're consenting to put yourself in the line of fire and like get hurt repeatedly and like be with someone who actually explicitly makes you feel like you are not enough and you interpret that in that way as opposed to this is

something that my partner needs and like i'm just going to take the next four years to like hope that like it doesn't work out so then it can just be us because i think that's not how you enter you go into a relationship and you've got like you said this in this call and the call before like you're like dead set on having kids within the next four years um like is it that you just want a kid and he's been the one that you've been in a relationship with so you think that this who you're supposed to be with to father your kid like do you what do you want from him other than just like a kid and all of his attention but i also wonder and i question because uh the if if you do have any sort of like um self-worth like issues if he does pick you

that won't satisfy anything in you like at all like you're not gonna satisfy him either because he might it might not work out with this one woman but he's like oh yeah well let's go so true let's try somebody else it might have not she might have not just been the one for us yeah if you want to be hurt which this you want to be hurt right now in this relationship and I've been there and like but the thing is is when that person stops her if that person stops hurting you it doesn't stop hurting you because this you're doing this to you like you this is like a self-loathing I need to date someone who fulfills all of my most negative thoughts about me of like i'm unworthy like i uh i am not enough like i am can't stack up to other people and all

that sort of stuff like that's your own feelings of yourself and regardless of what he says or does that doesn't eradicate those those internal feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing and that's something that you need um you need to deal with in therapy because like it's so easy to get caught up in the idea that like feeling chosen by someone will make like that will make that's all you need and all you want but it's it's not like that's your bot like that's your like automatic like that's kind of like what we like boil it down to is like that's what matters and once i've been chosen then it's all good but it's like it's not and also you can't ensure that like someone's gonna pick you every day like you don't know like and that's what you

need to work on yourself to be like you need to pick you and how you feel about yourself can't be tied to how other people feel about you which like is ironic because like i high key high key struggle with this but i truly think you just want to get hurt like this is just like fully want to and yeah like you said like i don't know what you like what what what do you want from from him because this is just yeah you're right it's not like if the first person that does it doesn't work out with it doesn't mean that like that goes away at all uh i just think you guys are fucking both bad for each other because i think like there's nothing that you should he needs to he should have been like stronger with his like deal breakers and bound

like of like he shouldn't have you shouldn't have been able to get out of the conversation eight fucking times about his deal breakers and then like have it get to this point where it gets that but at the same time you all should have so should have respected that he had these deal breakers and like you guys are just not not good for each other in this situation you're not compatible you both want two different things this is not gonna end well no so don't have a baby with him and don't get married to him it's not going to end well to be um monogamous because that's what you want and he should find somebody that's okay with the poly relationship because that's what he wants neither one of you are going to change each other no because it's

not like uh both of those things can only be done when both parties want it equally so yeah um don't have a baby don't do this to a kid if you want to have a baby get a sperm donor and raise a baby or find a guy that wants to have an august relationship but it's not fair to a kid yeah it has all your values and everything that you have i guess that's it right that's it for our episode we've recorded in so long i'm like how does this work um if you guys want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com our facebook group is still currently closed please stop asking if

you can be in it you can't we're still still vetting people um the people that are still asked that are still asking aren't listening right now so there's no point in oh true saying this i was pleasantly surprised though um this is not coming out the same obviously because we pre-record episodes but the last episode that we recorded um uh we like gave a shout out we were like if you guys were listening like here are some emojis and content and i maybe i was pleasantly surprised how many people kept listening follow us on instagram uh leave a review on the apple podcast app if you enjoyed this um check out the video if you're not subscribed there's a new youtube channel the don't blame me youtube channel where these live um and yeah we'll see you guys

next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready. With a whole world and more.