Don't Blame Me! - S6E15: He’s In Love with His Coworker w/ Melisa D. Monts

Starting point is 00:00:00 hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me we're still in the quarantine what are those things behind you wow such a great actor it's like we haven't been we haven't already talked about it i haven't been talking this whole time um these are my birthday balloons uh if you can still see them they are uh pretty slowly dying yeah uh so mods got me ones that said like gold ones that said illy ily and the y had a whole i have never heard anybody pronounce illy oh that's all we say it's like me and jerry and sydney too it's like our it's our word but so the white why already deflated so it's been like ill for since my birthday and then casey dropped me off uh the the um the the llama one because i love llamas

Starting point is 00:01:04 and then lily this is a new fact that i've learned about you today oh i i love them i love llamas alpacas very cute also love narwhals those are my favorite animal because they don't look real you're like how is this like literally like and beluga whales are up there too fucking cute um and so lily dropped off a balloon that says you're special but she crossed it out then wrote not in it you're not special and then she also got me a jojo seawall balloon so oh and all those balloons were tied to rotisserie chickens neither of them spoke to each other but they both brought me balloons with rotisserie chickens so i'm saving them because uh why are they in here oh matzo i think was he was like vacuuming or something that's a great thing

Starting point is 00:01:49 about it balloons get scared and they ran to the room he was trying to get them the fuck out of the way but that's the nice thing about having a dust mite allergy is i never have to be the one to vacuum or dust or sweep so beautiful he just gets to do it love it big fan how is unpacking going still uh okay so i bought this shelf this metal silver shelf and it's ugly which i knew it was gonna be but i was like i'm gonna paint it rose gold so i started it but i didn't buy enough paint so um i've got to buy way more there's just one shelf and then four poles that are done okay cute so um yeah that's where i am so are you painting by hand or spray no spray paint nice i saw a thing on tiktok um if it would be helpful for you that it's like this thing that

Starting point is 00:02:45 attaches to the top of a spray paint can and instead of like pressing it down like you know you have to be watching the video to understand this instead of pressing it down like you normally would yeah it's kind of like blast it it's kind of like a gun in a way that like it has a handle so it's like much easier um and you just like stick it on top of spray paint cans but i saved it if you'd like me to send it to you i know exactly what you're talking about because as i was doing it i was thinking about it but because it's a wire i have to be very meticulous about going line by line okay so it would actually waste more paint totally totally but yes as i was doing it i was thinking about it um where are you gonna put the shelves over here for sure yeah

Starting point is 00:03:29 cute i'm excited to see i mean it's like like part of it's the parts that paint it is up already oh cute yeah because it's the kind that just like stacks on top of each other where'd you get it ikea oh i was gonna say way there fuck though um oh wait also this is a dark turn but did you see uh it was trending on twitter so i'm sure because our trending pages are virtually the same about how uh the forest fires in like northern california um they're so many of the inmates are out with covid that they're like so understaffed yeah if listeners watchers of the podcast if you guys have not looked into i mean if you haven't looked into like for-profit prison system in the united states even if you're not

Starting point is 00:04:19 from the states i would like look into it because it's disgusting slavery's still very real oh my god when it comes and like i there you cannot fucking deny when you look at the fact that oh they're fighting fires for three dollars an hour three dollars and then once they're like out of prison they can't become firefighters and like what the fuck yeah like what the absolute fuck like it's it's oh god and like just the way that like the trending article was like written was like in a way about like oh look how bad covid is and i'm like why is this even a fucking thing like this is not a covid issue like this is like no like this is like an inhumane like morally like fucking corrupt and disgusting thing that's happening that like like the rest of like

Starting point is 00:05:10 everything is affected by covid but like it's not a covid fucking problem no this is our own fucking problem that we created problem it's a racism problem it's it's it's a lot of problems built up where like covet is like it's done with a lot of things has opened eyes to other issues which i already knew this was an issue when i didn't learn about this till last year though that a lot of incarcerated people are the ones that were fighting fires and i was disgusted then and even more so now no i didn't learn about it until last year too and the big fires that were here because like i knew about like i think the thing that's like more publicized is like jobs within prisons and that kind of stuff and then like oh uh like companies that use prison

Starting point is 00:06:01 labor but never i until there was those big fires here i had never known about that and then yeah the same time i learned that the same time i learned like oh and you can't be a firefighter afterwards i was like because i'd never heard of that because like it is it's incredibly hard to get a job after you've been like you've been in jail and you've you're convicted um and there's like a couple of and we've had calls about like people who've like dated like someone and like oh like getting a job back out of it and there's like a very short list of things i knew off the top of my head and firefighter wasn't one of them and i was like oh for sure so fucked yeah america's this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast if you guys want to call in for an upcoming episode

Starting point is 00:06:45 you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 an international listener you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and let's get into the calls what is the show oh it's an advice show you call in you leave us voicemails you ask for our advice and then we as the amazing intellectual insightful prophets we are oh and melissa is also an alien so that's you've got a what are you talking about what huh oh fuck you're frozen now that was good though if people like if it was people were seeing the zoom feed like between you and i it was very much like what and then you froze and it literally was like a glitch in the simulation love it okay should we get into the first one

Starting point is 00:07:39 let's do it hi Megan and Melissa I'm 23 my fiance is 24 and we've been together for four years we just got engaged this month and one conversation has always come up for us but especially now that we're engaged is what our last name is going to be when we get married he likes his last name and I love it it's how I met him how I've always known him for the last four years so it just seems simple that that will be our last name but his mom wants him to change it because he has his dad's last name he's basically done nothing for him his entire life this doesn't bother my fiance um he has a great relationship with his grandparents and his stepbrother on his dad's side so that's his family too um but his mom thinks that he should take her

Starting point is 00:08:22 husband's name so his stepdad who came into his life when he was already like 12 and they have the most awkward non-relationship um but she thinks since she raised him and her husband has supported him financially um and those are his other siblings last names he should do this the irony is that his stepdad's family is even more problematic than his dad's family and i absolutely do not want to be associated with them my thing is i feel like this is creating a problem that has never really been there because this has been his name for 24 years and it just has the potential to piss off way too many people, I feel like, for no reason. The fiancé thinks it would be disrespectful to his grandparents and his brother on his dad's side,

Starting point is 00:09:04 but his mom can come to grips with her grandchildren potentially having the same last name as my fiancé's dad. I really love his mom, and we have a good relationship, but she's very emotionally invested in this topic, understandably. And I don't really know how to talk about it when it comes up, because she gets really heated about it, which I totally understand, especially because one of the main reasons I care is that I really don't like her husband, and that's a totally different topic. I don't want to have his last name, and I can't exactly tell her that. My fiance also loves his mom, and he has a hard time standing up to her, but he basically doesn't really care either way, as long as he's not taking his stepdad's last name, which is what his mom was. I come from a very drama-free family, so I'm

Starting point is 00:09:46 not really sure how to act i know that him taking my last name is an option but my last name is really boring and it's just not my favorite option and i do want to have the same last name as him i just need advice on whether i should just try to stop caring how do i talk about it when she brings it up again any advice will help thanks bye what's in a name would a rose by any other name smell just as sweet beautiful and that's it shakespeare uh this is tricky i don't think it's tricky at all oh i mean i'm there i think the factoring in when you when you care about other people's opinions and like other people's like feelings that's what makes it trick you i mean like you you guys all obviously care and don't want to

Starting point is 00:10:34 hurt anybody but i think you just tell her to suck it up the thing is if she cared this much why didn't she have her son's name changed when she got married it's too late this is not the time no he's had this job like like the caller said he's had this name for 24 years and then you have the last 12 to change his name or before he turned 18 or whatever like she had the power to do this before now because her she her potential grandchildren may be coming along with the same last name it's the mother-in-law's issue it's not their issue well i think you guys just need to reclaim like reclaim the name like the name in that sense i think like i mean i would say like a good uh if you want like a a nice gesture a couple years down the road have one

Starting point is 00:11:29 of your kids middle names be her maiden name her maiden last name or something like that but i think like yes it's ridiculous to have two people change their names for this and like he has an like as much as it's her ex-husband it's also his dad so like that like one of those relationships doesn't outweigh the the other so like because she has a bad relationship with like her ex doesn't mean that that dictates how her son is what relationship her son is going to have with his father yeah but it seems like the father may not be in the picture it's the loyalty to the grandparents and other yeah but like the animosity there like she she might have this like association with that name but like it's different because it's not her what she's been known as forever

Starting point is 00:12:21 so i'm sure for him like as somebody who i have a hyphenated last name and if you've read my book i have lots of family problems and the last name that i go by is the one that is the most problematic of my family but like i don't think of that because it's my name like it's not their name it's mine because that's the only name that i had that's the name that i was born with like that's that's it and i think that there is like a power in reclaiming that and i would think if anything having grandchildren and that have that different last name or whatever like i think that would be like a fresh start and a new a new association with that name but i just can't foresee like you said if this hasn't been like a like something that she wanted done immediately

Starting point is 00:13:11 12 years ago also when he was a minor and she could have just done it for him saying like it's too it's too late it's too late now yeah and it's just it's literally just a name and i think if you tell her like we and like just like yeah like this is the name like for him like he needs to put his foot down and say like this is the name that I've always had and like I love you so much and like you are my mom and this it like that name doesn't I don't have that same tie to that last name and like this is the name that I grew up with and you might associate with him but like how about you associate it with me instead associate with me instead of my dad and that's how I associate it that's how like my fiancee associates it with me she doesn't associate it with my dad and when we

Starting point is 00:13:57 have kids those are going to be our kids like work on that and i think just like put your foot down because i get why you wouldn't want to tell her that like oh i fucking hate it like the stepdad or like i'm not about him or his family so i think if you can just like you don't need even like a real reason you could just say no and so i think if you just put your foot down and then a couple years down the road if you guys have kids and you want to name one with her maiden last name or something go for it but it's just it's just such a weird hill to die on yeah it's too late too late in the words of jojo it's just a little too late a little too wrong and i tell me i fucking love her she makes bops agree okay should we go on to the next yeah

Starting point is 00:14:50 Dear Megan and Melissa, I hope you can understand me as English isn't my first language. I'm in my early 30s, so naturally all my girlfriends have one, two or three kids. I personally love kids, but I don't want any for myself. Now, my best friend has changed since she became a mom a few years ago, which I guess is normal because my other friends has as well, but hers is more extreme. She says she's finding herself and getting closer to her true self. And I've known her for 25 years, and her finding herself is very far from the girl I know and love. This includes being a mom before anything else.

Starting point is 00:15:28 She's considering anti-vaccinating, sharing very stereotypical and cringy inspirational quotes with sunsets in the background on Facebook. And the newest addition is that institutions traumatize our children. And to work around this, she has quit her job to stay with them full time. which is also fine but her husband makes less than her so if this was truly for them i guess she would work and he would stay at home i really suspect that this is about her more than the children her texts include very much me i myself me me me i've never commented on my friends parenting even if i disagree with them because well i'm not living their lives and i assume they make the right decisions. And also the few times I have had an input, I've been told that I won't

Starting point is 00:16:17 know until I become a mom myself, which I never will. So to this best friend, I've asked her how her husband is feeling because she doesn't mention him in all of this. I would personally be upset if my partner one day announced that they quit their job to find themselves, because that would also affect me. I would have to work harder. We would have to not go on holidays and so on. she replied he has a hard time being the only provider but i feel so relieved not working and i feel that i am getting closer to myself so should i challenge her what about her pension when she isn't working she says they will have to take a huge loan is he the only one who's going to pay off a shared loan.

Starting point is 00:17:04 I used to help children who had eating disorders and a lot of them actually had their self-harming problems because they were all their parents had. They didn't care about their jobs. They didn't see their friends. They didn't have any hobbies. So they put all the responsibility of their happiness on their children. is it a good friend move to confront her about these things including that she might be pushing

Starting point is 00:17:33 her husband away or is this me being selfish and missing the friend i used to have instead of accepting the choices she's making now can i put a friendship on hold what do i do oh my god i hate this so much this is very layered um yeah but i think the biggest there's two big things here one i think that you've outgrown this relationship and then two the decisions that she's making isn't your business yeah and i think i don't think the decisions she's making are rational like to be honest like the institution like i'm does she mean school yeah that's what i think so going on the path of like anti-vaxxing institutions it sounds like a government is trying to kill us sort of a

Starting point is 00:18:38 thing which is uh prevalent in people who uh have psychological issues and whether it's like psychosis or um schizophrenia or uh lots of other kind of psychological struggles like that and it can be hard to like watch someone kind of get into like a paranoid sort of state or just like a but then there's also the other side of it where a lot of people buy into that stuff who frankly um aren't that intelligent and it empowers them and makes them feel smart and that's why they like that shit you know and so i think you're right though like you've grown out of this friendship and you are missing your old friendship and i think that you have concern for her like that this is a really like about her and i think if you thought her kids were in danger or in like

Starting point is 00:19:41 in like harm's way like physically emotionally like if you were concerned about um that then And I definitely think maintaining not the same closeness of a friendship, but enough that you're still, you don't feel like you're walking away and abandoning like potentially the children who need you or who are in need, who could potentially be in need. But I think if it's just about her and that, then I think you can take a break from the friendship but I think the most important thing is that it's when you take a break from it really reflect on it as it might not be a phase like this just might be who she's becoming and the break might be permanent and so it can be hard when you take a break from someone or something because

Starting point is 00:20:35 a break usually means that you're going to come back to it and I think that we can romanticize people when we're away from them. But I think if you can say that you're going to yeah like phase out and then if if things change with her or she needs you or her kids need you and all of that that you'll always be there but not you can always hope that it's a phase but I wouldn't go into it thinking that it is that. Like I would think of it as a friendship breakup that has the possibility of things change you guys could rekindle that um but saying any of the stuff to her is just not it's not going to work and it's not going to go over well and i think the best thing that you can do is just take that break and then

Starting point is 00:21:29 something happens good or bad you can just kind of step in and offer your help and be there uh but it's i mean it's just it's bad decision making well should we get into the next call hi megan and melissa love the podcast so i'm 25 i'm an aries and i need your guys's advice or words of wisdom whatever because i got myself into a situation that is pretty annoying to me right now so about a month ago i started dating or seeing i don't know um one of my closest and oldest guy friends so we've known each other for about 20 years now and it's always been a little flirty over the past couple months at least and I know that when we were like 15 or so he had like a crush on me and asked me out but back then I just didn't

Starting point is 00:22:23 understand or get it I don't know he was young and naive but so about a month ago I went camping with his family actually and the weekend after that we both got super drunk and then had sex and after that it kind of just rolled into this whole thing where we now basically see each other like at least three times a week I always sleep over at his house we also hang out during the day it's always super fun we laugh a lot I've met his friends that are like outside of our friend group and apparently like him the guys and even his girl best friend um like me like he told me that and yeah it's just like overall a good time and it's pretty much like he would always text me like the good morning and good night text and he told me that he really likes me and thinks i'm

Starting point is 00:23:16 funny and all that and everything would turn into like kind of a relationship if he was not in love with his co-worker who is actually in a lesbian relationship though and so she's been in this relationship for I think three years and she says that she's still in love with her girlfriend but she'll also like text my guy all the time and just like flirt with him and like talk about all of these super personal intimate things and so now he's like or has been apparently for years for a couple years super in love with her and totally thinks that she's the girl for him even though she day by day like chooses her girlfriend over him right and so all of his actual friends and like his girl best friend like they all don't like her we all think that she's

Starting point is 00:24:08 just like not a nice person for playing both of them like my guy and the girlfriend but now I'm seeing him and it's just super weird because I think I'm honestly starting to really really like him and i just don't know what to do so please help me my first question is does the co-worker date men because saying that she's in a lesbian like right is she bisexual or yeah or queer or whatever pansexual like yeah does she and like not even necessarily does she identify as anything but like does she date men she find men attractive yeah like does she date men and women because i think i don't know i think that because yeah because it could be like she just sees him as a friend and she's sharing and flirting it's just like her being friendly and there's a huge issue

Starting point is 00:25:12 with fetishizing women and like women to like women and women together and like especially in the lesbian community of like uh that it's invalidating to her relation like i would just think the reason the fact that you mentioned that it's a like a lesbian a quote-unquote lesbian relationship and that like she's still flirting with him it just comes across as invalidating that relationship also like is does he really think that she's

Starting point is 00:25:51 the one for him or is it just the fact that she's unattainable yeah and how what is like you said what's the flirting like have we seen these like texts have like like what is he reading into these things

Starting point is 00:26:07 and like is she just being friendly and like i just think like villainizing her i think if we want a villain i don't know why we need to know who what the gender of the person that she was dating is i don't need i don't think we need to know that she's in a lesbian relationship like i don't like i don't think that that she's in a relationship yes so that in itself is a red flag to me that that's like she is the villain and she is in a lesbian relationship but she's like leading my boyfriend like or leading this guy on and like everybody dislikes her for doing this or whatever i just don't think there's a reason we need to know that who like i think for us though like it's good to

Starting point is 00:26:48 know because no totally could just be like a friendship like she just sees him as a friend that's it period and he's reading more into the situation and is she aware that he has feelings for her because we need to know what's being said because again if it's just like friendship stuff and her sharing like intimate personal things like I share that with my friends like and also if anything you caller and like you mentioned that he is your like one of your best guy friends you also mentioned he's another like close female friend like you guys are like you were close with him as a guy first and so like is there a part of you that feels like there's no way that it could be platonic because look you guys are fucking now yeah and is that what it it is in that sense that

Starting point is 00:27:34 Like, it doesn't feel like do you have kind of like a I don't even know what the politically correct term, but like, you know, like an incestual friend group, like a friend group who all hooks up with each other. And so then does it feel like weird that he would just have this like does he feel like, oh, my female friends and I like it's always more like flirtatious. but if she's like fully like i don't like the term like leading someone on but if she's like fully miss like intentionally like misleading him and saying like oh if i hadn't met my girlfriend like i would totally want to date you or like i always think about fucking you like if she's saying stuff like that then yeah he needs to like put a stop i mean no you just need to bounce and be like okay i'm out um but if it's i mean i think you still need to be out like because he does he's not into you like he's into this other girl why would you want to be

Starting point is 00:28:34 play sick second fiddle to somebody yeah you should always be somebody's first choice and this one might sting a little bit but he knows you better and he's still picking this other girl like you he's known you for like you guys have been friends with your kids yeah and you are in the same friend group and all of that like and he's still holding out for someone who he's never been with and like that he just has like a crush on and that isn't an indicator of how much he likes her it's just an indicator of like it's he's not as into you which sucks to say but like I I think it's totally possible for friends to date and I've that's how I've like dated like most of my relationships but as soon as like the like as soon as like a friend and I

Starting point is 00:29:28 started hooking up or whatever it was like oh yeah any of the girls that you met after the guys that I met after like can't stack up to someone who I've known for my whole fucking life who like then we sleep together and it's like we already had this basis of friendship we already got along so well and now we add like the sexual romantic part of it the fact that that's he's still going to this other person is just it doesn't it's not it's not it and you sound like you're starting to fall for him so i would dip now especially if you're if you want to and if you are able to keep your friendship intact like stop it now because it's it's gonna end either like you're gonna get your heart broken regardless because he's still gonna that other woman is always gonna

Starting point is 00:30:19 be the what if in the back of his mind yeah always and i think there's a level of care that needs to go in when because she's 24 yeah when uh hooking up with your friends like in high school like my high school boyfriend and i before we got together we made out at parties all the time like just drunk and then we would never talk about it again but or like you'd like you know like sleep with your friends and then like yeah like whatever and it was kind of just like a who cares sort of thing but the older that I got Mott's and I were friends and like it became there's so much more thought put into it because that thought is the respecting of your friendship and acknowledging like I don't want to lose this kind of friendship and like it is a different mentality when you're

Starting point is 00:31:04 in high school and college because like it's just a different mindset and how everybody interacts with each other it's just different and then when you become an adult and you have those like lifelong adult friendships just kind of like willy-nilly like hooking up with each other and then not really having this be just kind of this like weird limbo thing it does not he's not gonna come around like it's this is this is the he is telling you how he feels and what he feels is he likes fucking you and he thinks you're great and enjoys being your friend and he also enjoys fucking you but he like is that the other girl is who he wants to be with yeah and that's all there is to it and like even if like regardless of what she's doing that doesn't matter like this

Starting point is 00:31:56 is about him you're not dating her this isn't about the other girl at all even if she was misleading him that doesn't matter like no this is about you too if he liked you and wanted to be with you he would he would be with you and it's nobody else's fault or responsibility or it's nobody else's actions or anything that would change that at all okay okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and let's get into the next call so i am 21 in this situation and my ex is a 22 and we're both aries And so what happened was that he, last week, he broke up with me on Friday.

Starting point is 00:33:02 It has now been three days later. I'm very much still mourning and grieving. But the issue is that it all happened out of nowhere, and I'm struggling to believe his reasonings for the breakup. So the entire time last week, everything was completely normal. There were so many I love yous and verbal affirmations and heart emojis. even the day before everything had happened where he broke up with me um and said like hey i'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow it's gonna be so fun you know hanging out again and he was

Starting point is 00:33:36 like yeah likewise of course and even the night before like we always text each other goodbye or sorry not goodbye good night and he sent me a voicemail and he said i love you too like two times in it and it was just a very like sweet and cute boyfriend so I kept it and the next day rolls around and it's a very normal day again you know nothing much to comment on there and what I realized happening was that yeah I was just sorry I was just getting ready and everything and he was at the gym and he out of nowhere was like hey can I stop by your house really quick and I was like sure but why and he said it was better to do this in person and I'll be there in 20 minutes so I had 20 minutes to shift my perspective from yo this guy could be the one

Starting point is 00:34:24 that like I can marry I could I definitely see a future with this guy we've been working towards the future that you have that common goal and he comes over and he breaks up with me and his reasoning was that he doesn't love me anymore and I'm struggling to believe that because every part of his behavior said that he loves me still I asked him why if that's true then why were you giving me so many verbal affirmations why were we making plans for the future i was supposed to be hanging out with him this week it was his plan and he just told me that he was it was all a lie and he was just breaking down and sobbing and i'm sorry i just really have a hard time believing his reasoning and i guess i would just like you guys to tell me about what you think

Starting point is 00:35:12 of all of this because it truly did come out of nowhere and even towards the bitter end him and I were just hugging and laughing and at one point I kissed his cheek and he just smiled back at me and we were holding hands and I kissed his hand and he kissed mine and I asked him how much how much of the relationship was real and he said all of it so very clearly my issue here is that it just it seems he seems so conflicted so I guess I'm looking for guidance I know that you i can't read his mind but what do you think is going to happen with him i mean this this really sucks um some people have a really hard time communicating their feelings in the moment and this story is so common of people who feel completely blindsided by it and it's just

Starting point is 00:36:07 people who aren't really comfortable communicating that kind of loss of emotion in the process of it and they're trying and compensating for it and acting and kind of putting on a front and then it gets to a point where they can't do that anymore and like it's hard because i think our automatic instinct when we start to lose feelings for someone is we don't want to we don't want to like we want to still like love them and we want to still be with them and so we try and like that's every every fucking breakup it's like oh we're we're trying to pretend that everything's fine especially when it's one-sided and i think he might have just done a good a good job at that and it got to be too much for him or he joined a cult or he has another

Starting point is 00:36:59 girlfriend or a wife or or he um also or he has been feeling these things for a while and has just been going through the motions um and he thought that it might have been just like a temporary thing and he could work through it and um he got to a point where he couldn't because i think the talking about the future thing like logically it's hard when you do have those feelings for someone prior and you're like well maybe if i just keep going along it'll work and like maybe like i do logically want to spend the rest of my life with this person but like my feelings aren't matching up to this side of my brain and i'm like you get married to those feelings that you once had and that's why we hold on to relationships a lot of the time longer than they should pass the

Starting point is 00:37:52 time that they've run its course so i think it can change you think it's just like a passing feeling that you know today i just feel off um and i think it's more of him than anything like you can't take responsibility for anything um you shouldn't feel like um any of this is your fault it's it's probably it's neither of your faults just like the feelings went away and I know it's hard for you to accept and move on but you're if you keep holding on to those feelings you're going to get into that same breath that he got into where you think that things are going to change he's going to make a full circle you know he was just confused he's still in love with me which like he very much will still like have like deep feelings for you

Starting point is 00:38:49 but it's just not love that's not where he is anymore and who knows maybe like him saying like oh all of the like the feelings that he felt like a like if he's like was grappling with this sometimes people sometimes people can be a little more curt and feel a little more cruel in a breakup because they want they want you to not be it's like the same thing when people like try and get you to break up with them and so I think like he for you it's not adding up and I think his goal with all of this was to really make sure it was like a clean it was a clean break and I think that that kind of backfired in the sense because like it's making you feel like well there at some point you did still have those feelings for me like like this was a process or whatever and it

Starting point is 00:39:40 can be really hard to sit with it and recognize that in all of these in the moments of like how whenever these his feelings started to fade or change for you that you didn't know and that you were in those moments and like seeing them as these like really sweet romantic and like really happy positive things and it's heartbreaking to then recognize that that wasn't the case for him and so I think at the end of the day the reason why he broke up with you it I know you think it matters but it doesn't it's kind of like closure in this sense that it's like well you want to find the reason so you can you can like gotcha aha like you said like no you still love me like we're still going to be together in that sense and so i think if you if he's not ready or

Starting point is 00:40:39 comfortable to like really be honest and talk about it in a sense that like maybe there is more to it but like at the end of the day that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now and regardless of that reason you have to respect his wishes with that and and you've got accept what he said like you you because you're not going to be able to heal or move on if you still think that like he was lying about being in love with you yeah we cannot be in love with you i mean and we can read into someone's body language or like all of that kind of stuff but like we have to take what people say as the fact and the truth and like when people say how they feel or what they want. We don't get to justify it or question it based on previous stuff. Like I'm a

Starting point is 00:41:29 big advocate of taking things at face value when people say them because I'm a big fan of communication. And it might, it might feel like it would make more sense and make it easier for you to get over if you understood everything why and like he was more truthful. But at the end of the day, it's his truth. You're never going to know if he is being a hundred percent totally honest. And also he doesn't have to tell you that. And I think the more you can detach yourself from anything that he can do or say that will give you like permission or make you feel ready and comfortable to move on, you just have to take that on your own. Because if we put that kind of power in other people's hands like for our own lives we will always end up disappointed

Starting point is 00:42:20 but this sucks this fully sucks but um sending you happy moving on positive thoughts and you know our phones our phone is open if you want to give us a call back and give us some more an update or anything if you feel ready or comfortable but also i know breakups are tough so yeah yeah you probably need a little bit time to process this so mm-hmm let us know sending you love hi megan and melissa um i'm gonna try and keep this short without sparing any like big details but basically so my mom passed away a year ago last july and we just hit a year, and I'm an immigrant, she was an immigrant, and I currently am living with my stepdad, the man who she married, who comes up here.

Starting point is 00:43:18 We moved out of the house that we lived in with my mom, and we are living in a duplex while he's building a house, so, you know, he gave me a room there, all that kind of stuff, whatever. But, anyways, for reference, I'm 21, and he's in his 50s. So, I started realizing last night. He was like, oh, I'm just going to, like, go out or whatever. And he was all dressed up. And he left at, like, 3.

Starting point is 00:43:48 He didn't come back until, like, 1030, which is strange. And I was texting my boyfriend. He was like, well, maybe it's, like, a work dinner or something. I'm like, no, like, he's not a late-night person, whatever. And then today, I was with a friend, and we were leaving the house, and he, like, changed his clothes. And he's like, yeah, I'm just going to go drop off the red check. I was like, okay, cool. Like, he'll be back home when I get back home because we were going shopping to get us on stage.

Starting point is 00:44:10 Anyways, and I've been back home for three hours now, and he's not here. And so I feel like he's starting to date again. I don't really know how I feel about it. Just because, like, we're not very close. so if he were to like seriously start dating I don't know like where I would go or what I would do or what my relationship with his family would be like because I'm closer to some of his family members and I am him um and like a few weeks ago he asked me to take pictures of him for his mom which is like really weird he got like dressed up and like caught on his bike because he likes

Starting point is 00:44:46 cycling and stuff he was like yeah I'm just saying it to my mom and my dumb ass didn't think of anything um and now i'm putting it all together and he's definitely dating i don't know like if this is normal to feel like i'm mad at him because i feel like this is so fucking awful but i feel like he should still be like grieving and not dating and like i was at my boyfriend's house i came back and my bedroom door was closed all the little things that i had left out in the living room and stuff was just thrown on my bed so he obviously had people over and like he doesn't have any friends by the way so it's not like he had like a party um I don't really know what I'm asking for I guess I just want to know like is this normal and if other people have dealt with

Starting point is 00:45:26 it and like what to do because he hasn't said anything about it and people keep telling me to bring it up but like I said we're not very close um so it's kind of uncomfortable yeah it's weird um and I had to go on a road trip with him to help his oldest daughter who's like 24 um move out of her apartment and it's just like uncomfortable i don't know please help me okay thanks love you guys bye i can't speak from like personal uh i mean i can't speak from my personal experience uh in like this specific case but i do have friends who have uh lost their parents and then their biological parents have moved on very fast or started dating fast um and it's been super super fucking hard for them the thing with grief is everybody grieves differently and

Starting point is 00:46:20 the process for everyone is so so super different and i don't know if i've i i i've never like lost somebody in my like someone in my life who i was like incredibly incredibly like close to I've lost like you know family members and uh like friends but no one who's been like so integral to like my daily my daily life but I can imagine that I don't know if I would ever think that someone is like if I were you and lost like you lost your mom I don't know if I would think that anyone was grieving enough when you love someone so much and that loss is so huge for you it it can nothing can ever feel like the right amount because it's just too it's just too great of a loss for you to comprehend how someone else could handle it differently and

Starting point is 00:47:25 that's not a knock on you at all or a knock on him but I think I think part of their if you guys aren't that close I don't know how much or if it's even something you'd want to do but if you guys have talked about her and you've talked about the grief and like what you're both going through and maybe if you are comfortable doing that with him and talking about it you might see that maybe he's coming from it from a place of like i'm so fucking lonely and like i just can't foresee like i just need to do that i like don't know what else to do and it's not coming from like a i've moved on and i'm fine kind of a way that it's more of or maybe your mom had some wishes for him that she really wanted like hey a year after you have to promise me you'll go on a date like you have to

Starting point is 00:48:17 and who knows maybe he's doing like a grief support group or he's just trying to get himself back out there and if he doesn't have friends maybe the only way he really knows how to move on is romantically which i also have uh i know that well it's people who that's the only yeah the only tie that they have to a closeness in a relationship and it comes at the expense of like kind of looking a little like icky and gross timing to a lot of other people but that's the only way that they know how to have relationships yeah you can't like you were saying you can't you don't know how he's grieving you can't put a time stamp on how long somebody can grieve and i think you may be thinking of it in a way that he's replacing your mom and

Starting point is 00:49:07 it doesn't have to be like that it's just like he probably has like a hole in his heart and it's not like he's not trying to fill it with somebody else he's just needing like some type of comfort or support or a companion like he needs or he wants friends you know like it it cannot be like a romantic thing it could be like he just wants somebody to hang out and talk with and i think it's i would really urge you to talk to him about it because i think like when you say things like well what's that gonna happen for me like I live with him like it doesn't I think those are totally like valid feelings that you would feel from this but I think I would have a conversation with him and just be like and tell him say honestly and just be like I know we're not like

Starting point is 00:50:04 that close and I know that like we're now in this situation where like we're living together and I like really appreciate it and I and if you want to get to know him more and like let him know that like I want to get to know you more and like it's to be honest it's been kind of hard because I've I feel like I've noticed that you I think are going on dates and like to be transparent like it's really made me feel that like you're moving on too fast but like I don't I can't put that judgment on you so like i just want to talk and like understand where we both are in this and i have this fear that if you move on that you're gonna kick me out and i'm gonna have nowhere to go and all of that because i think as much as those are thoughts that i think anyone would

Starting point is 00:50:50 kind of think in that situation i i think they'll be so easily quelled by him being like oh no that not going to do that to you at all like I think you guys both are just doing your own thing and not recognizing that like both of your actions yeah that affects each other yeah yeah you guys need to talk and maybe even go to like grievance counseling together yeah because you both share in this in this loss and it might feel a little weird because you guys aren't that close but you do have this thing and it's hard because even like you said you're like I like feel bad like I'm mad at him but I don't even really know him that well it's like you guys have this trauma that's connected you and so you might not be like relationship close wise but you do have this

Starting point is 00:51:43 essentially like this trauma bond and so you both do have the ability to really hurt each other because even though it might not seem like you're close you have this thing this common thing that ties you together so yeah i would just i would have a conversation update time oh baby baby oh baby baby who's the update from this is from episode nine from season six the gal had hoes in different area codes one guy in hawaii another guy and the other place she was in um so she was with her boyfriend but still hooking up with a guy that she used to hook up with before was this a stripper yes love it hi guys this is an update um i'm calling back from the episode

Starting point is 00:52:44 I don't know the like seasons or the episode numbers because I don't see them anymore but it was the latest episode that is titled my boyfriend is jealous of my sex toy I'm the girl who was cheating on these two guys one of them

Starting point is 00:53:00 being my boyfriend living in Hawaii the other one being my fuck buddy living in California I also live in California yes Melissa was right I do travel from LA to Hawaii. It is a quick flight. Um, anyway, I have a great update, some great news for you guys. I am in therapy and my therapist and I have discussed all of these things and worked all these things out. And I realized that I wasn't being aware of my own cheating. And I just thought

Starting point is 00:53:37 it was okay and dismissible because these other two men were cheating on me too and I realized that that's not fucking okay and so I completely blocked my fuck buddy on everything we do not speak anymore and me and my boyfriend I decided to give that a real and genuine shot so I aired out all my dirty laundry to him and worked through that and he has accepted that because he also made mistakes in the past and we are working to have a healthy relationship I know that you guys told me to either have an open relationship or to break up with both of them but I didn't see the podcast until today so that is what has happened um things are going really really good with me and my boyfriend right now. I have been completely faithful to him. And from what I know, he's

Starting point is 00:54:36 been completely faithful to me. And the trust issues are getting patched and everything seems to be going great. So yeah, therapy is the answer is the lesson learned here. Therapy is always the answer. Please do it. It saved me so much heartache, so much headache, everything. It's amazing and i love you guys thank you for the advice i love you bye yes everything yeah and communication always the answer if i just those are like the takeaways that you should have from every show that we do yep always always always i love the enthusiasm for like just and even just how you phrased i can just tell we would get along like we would get along with her and like events you're like oh i didn't realize that i was also cheating like it's it's yeah it's i i love it

Starting point is 00:55:33 and i know we gave you the advice um to uh you know either be an open relationship or break up but also you know sometimes we don't give like the best choice like i mean the best the i mean not that i didn't think it was realistic but like that's so much fucking self-reflection that it's like oh fucking break up with the fuck buddy get my ass in therapy and like work on my relationship like be open and honest like to be honest that's like the best possible scenario you know the person that told her to do that was like a professional so yeah no totally and like that like i think that like that's the thing with like therapists as opposed to us is like you know we're giving friend advice and that kind of stuff but like a therapist can pick up like knows you better

Starting point is 00:56:19 but also like wants you to be a better person like we just want you to be less shitty you know i mean like but a therapist like expects a lot of you yeah and they're gonna talk to you for like an hour we're hearing a one-sided three-minute it's not even a conversation monologue about what's going on but i love this for you i'm very happy for you happy for you happier in therapy happier loving it and you know very happy about the open honesty and this is like the other thing for anyone listening who's like in a some some somewhat similar situation in regards to cheating i think it's so great that you owned up to everything and you guys talked about it and that gives him the choice to make it the to decide that and i think that's the most important thing

Starting point is 00:57:08 too yeah and and he i don't know how he you knew so like i don't know if he told you you found out another way but i think it's that's like the mature and smart way that like your relationship can move forward and move on because you're trusting you're giving your partner information and hoping that they will want to stay with you but not withholding it so you can ensure that they will yeah so fucking great love it love this fucking self-growth well that's it for our episode guys if you enjoyed and you want to uh leave us a review go let's review on the podcast app or wherever you listen to podcasts um or wherever you watch you want to leave a comment on the youtube like subscribe to this new channel where we're uploading and if you want to call in for an

Starting point is 00:57:53 upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com quick reminder our facebook group is still closed to new members and anybody who gets upset with us for being salty when you ask how to get into the facebook group and we just say you haven't listened to the end of the episode that's why i'm saying it again so you guys can know and when we open it up we will let you know so you won't need to like go digging and trying asking or yeah anything yeah we're just you know but you're the game you're probably going to need to listen to the end of the episode to know that it's open again it's constantly i kicked out 10 people this week so just not because they didn't listen

Starting point is 00:58:42 to the end of the episode but uh for other reasons yeah we were it's funny because when we closed the group we were at 3 000 members we are at 2 900 or 2 800 i think it's 28 yeah so we are cleaning house uh so then by the time that you guys we open it up again and you guys can join it's uh you know there's no no one safe as possible safe space i mean people they're still like people that don't comment and stuff so we don't know their views until something sparks them to post or respond so yeah i mean at this we might go through and just delete people who are just have never posted to this day because we only want people it's a community and that's the great thing about it and like how we know you and me know people's names from this kind of stuff

Starting point is 00:59:37 and like we know when someone's like talking about something on the group and we can be like oh my god is this the person that you started dating this time like blah blah blah like we can we get to know everybody and like people have become like close friends through all of that and so that's if you haven't known why the group is closed it's because we're trying to um make sure that it's like you said uh as safe as possible place for everybody but also that it's the goal of being a community not uh like a parasocial kind of board yeah or like it's not something that you should be able to just view in a way and i we understand that there's like a comfortability kind of curve of like maybe it takes a little while before you start interacting

Starting point is 01:00:20 or you start feeling comfortable once you like see what other people are posting and you see that you can like kind of trust the community but then there gets to be there's a threshold of that so that's what we're working on but uh you guys we the first to know and follow us on instagram actually instagram might be the real first to know our personal ones and don't blah mean pod follow us on twitter anything else vote please yes vote and there's only one option who you can vote for vote for biden um anything else is a vote for trump and if you would like to argue with me on that please head on over to um my own personal dms but do not leave that shit here or on the podcast instagram also like if you want to discuss this and you're in the facebook group please bring

Starting point is 01:01:10 it up fucking vote fucking vote okay and that's it we'll see you guys next time thank you bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso real canadian superstore has everything you need this back to school season save on lunchbox savers like ziggy's sliced deli meat products for always 3.75 and get Life Brand Pure Vita Shampoo or Conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready. With a whole world and more.

Don't Blame Me! - S6E15: He’s In Love with His Coworker w/ Melisa D. Monts

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