Don't Blame Me! - S6E16: Boyfriend Has A Burner Instagram w/ Melisa D. Monts

Starting point is 00:00:00 hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me woohoo in case you all um have forgotten we're still in the middle of the pandemic so we remind them all the time so i don't know how they could have forgotten you know it just seems it seems to be this wild thing how people can just be done with it once they choose to as if you know everybody else isn't like bored as fuck and like wants to go do shit so last night i got a phone call at 10 43 from a phone number that uh it was from my hometown 479 and i was like who the fuck is this so i answered the phone and someone's like hey diamond and i was like again who the fuck is this he was like this is kenneth and i was like oh no actually

Starting point is 00:01:03 i asked who the fuck is this yeah it wasn't like it was an actual and he said this is kenneth and i was like are my parents okay because this is like a family friend so uh he's like yeah i'm here with them and i lost my fucking shit why was he calling to say what him and his wife and my parents were all hanging out together and they wanted to settle a debate that they were having to see if i was more like my dad or my mom so you know the first question i asked was do you guys have on masks also it was 10 43 here so that means it was 12 43 there i said do you guys have on masks i went into the spill and then he was like why are you at home on a saturday night and i said because we're in the middle of a fucking pandemic and you should be at home too

Starting point is 00:01:57 it's wild you would also think your parents at this point if they were going to just like break it they just would hide it from you better because exactly because i yell at them about it all the time wow it's wild it it does feel like they're it seems to be like i mean obviously it's like not spread out like age wise like they're i don't know if we have even statistics of people who are like taking it more seriously but it does feel crazy that like there's a lot of people who are like having to parent their parents yep in it a lot of my friends were going through that like exact same thing and it's like no i have to remind you but like yeah i've still had to kind of do that with my dad but also like i just he just doesn't really like tell like i'm like don't do

Starting point is 00:02:44 anything that and he's like yeah and i'm like you're just not gonna tell like i have no fucking idea one time my mom facetimed me and she had on like a full face of makeup and a fancy shirt and i was like you really didn't think this out did you did you where the fuck have you been good god just stay inside i don't get like they have the two of you have each other i have yeah i'm staying inside so like you have the both of you in a four-bedroom house you can figure it out well the issue is too is like uh you and people even say that they're like going by like state by state guideline like you have to remember that like we're not doing a good job so like any of like anytime someone's like oh and like it'll happen in like the facebook group people are

Starting point is 00:03:30 like well we're following i'm following like my state's guidelines i'm like cool i could follow my state guidelines too and like we still are increasing in cases like every day like these guidelines like it's not working so you're telling me like hey i'm doing the thing that is like made like the u.s like the actual like laughing stock of like the entire fucking world in regards to this pandemic and it's like oh okay so you're upholding the norm of death for sure love that oh fucking wild um well anyways guys this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com

Starting point is 00:04:14 hi megan and guest um so my boyfriend and i have been together for about five months but I'm having a problem with his ex they broke up four years ago and they're still in constant communication like they probably talk every week or so in the beginning he would get really emotional about her and kind of talk about like how much he hurt him because she actually cheated on him and that's where they ended things um so eventually after like him talking about it for such a long time I told him that he had to stop talking about her to me because it hurt me and it just like makes me feel uncomfortable and he was like yeah that's fine whatever um but it's still just like bothering me that he talks to her so much he says what they just send

Starting point is 00:05:04 each other memes and that's nothing serious but it feels really disrespectful um I have talked to him many times about how uncomfortable it makes me like I've sat and cried about it actually and I just haven't asked him to stop talking to her completely because I don't want to be that girlfriend but I've definitely hinted at him maybe possibly doing that but he's just like doesn't take that hint um his ex actually lives across the country so I'm not really worried about and cheating but i have doubts that he's ever gonna like really get over her even if he says that he's over it i love him and i can see a future with him but it sucks um so any advice would help is still breaker should i ask him to cut her off completely i'm not really sure but

Starting point is 00:05:55 any advice would help thanks guys sending memes is actually very intimate like i actually think that's very like if i send someone a tiktok or a meme like intimate not necessarily necessarily sexually but like that's like a i mean that means you and i i think that means me and mods are like one-sided intimate because it's me sending like 95 tiktoks and him just not responding and then at the end of the night i'm going can we watch all the ones that you never responded to now um i mean this i'm like a big proponent of telling people what you need because people aren't mind readers but he is actively choosing to not break like stop contact with her and is putting it on you to explicitly ask for it like this is like this

Starting point is 00:06:50 isn't one of those situations where like oh well he can't read your mind like no you're crying and you're clearly uncomfortable with him messaging her and him talking to her and so the logical thing is he should stop talking to her but by him not doing that and him making it be like so you would have to explicitly ask him to stop talking to her that puts the blame on you and so then he can go tell that girl my girlfriend doesn't want me my girlfriend said i can't talk to you anymore like it just the if he's not choosing to do those actions on his own that's just because he wants you to be the villain um and i i don't like this i don't either and i mean it's been said several times on here that I'm still friends with my exes, but only the ones where their girlfriends

Starting point is 00:07:36 are fully aware of our past. And I'm actually friends with their girlfriends as well. I never messaged them without the girlfriends being on the message. And I actually talked to the girlfriends more than I talked to them. So there's a respect level that goes there. And if he's not respecting your wishes then it's it's it's not that's not a symbiotic like that relation the relationship there's not the communication isn't open and he's not receptive to what you have to say and it's completely disrespectful and also like since he talked about how bad she hurt him and how bad that she cheated on him I really think there's just like a part of him that's still into her and like if she hadn't cheated then they'd still be

Starting point is 00:08:35 together 100% agree and I think he's valuing his validation over like your emotions and your comfort and like he's being like well no i like talking to this girl and it is an okay trade-off that my girlfriend is crying and is upset about it like that's not he doesn't know it's not that he doesn't know that you're upset and i think this is kind of like you can ask him to like fully stop talking for it but i truthfully i don't in the nicest way possible i don't see this relationship going well because he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him like you're worried about coming across like quote unquote that girl who tells her boyfriend to stop messaging his fucking ex-girlfriend like all the time and like talking with her all the time

Starting point is 00:09:21 like you're that narrative that that would make you like a certain kind of girl like uptight or like controlling is insane like that part's actually wild because that doesn't no in reality you should just be with a guy who's like you know not backburnering and like not talking to multiple girls like that makes him scummy not you scummy for then asking him not to do that like it's in it's if he's making you feel which it does kind of sound like you just haven't necessarily said that but your language regarding this maybe it's from like a previous relationship or something but it does putting a lot of like the responsibility and blame on you for you feeling this way versus like him doing something that elicits like an actual like response like a reaction like i hate

Starting point is 00:10:09 the term overreacting i think overreacting is like absolute bullshit thing because we just react like that that's it we just react there's no such thing as over under reacting um because that it's yeah um so i don't know if he's made you feel like you're being like quote unquote crazy for feeling this way or if another relationship you've been in like made you question like oh am I making this too much of a big deal like is this a deal breaker is this not like blah blah blah go with your gut instinct in this and anyone who sees that you're in pain and is upset over something should actively make that choice and if he's not choosing to make the choice and like fix the thing that he's doing that's hurting you he is okay with hurting you and then the only time he's going to stop is when

Starting point is 00:10:54 you tell him to stop and it's not because he doesn't know it's because he wants to place the blame on you which fucking sucks sorry you're going through this yeah and who even knows if like this girl knows that he has a new girlfriend and like what she feels about all of that that's the thing that i also think is like so unfair because in a lot of those situations like she might not have any idea that you're on like that she might he might say like oh you're totally comfortable with it and you're totally fine with it and then she's over here being like oh wow if she eventually finds out then it's like oh shit like i thought this was okay he didn't let me know either so he just kind of like pulling the strings on both sides yep agree say bye-bye

Starting point is 00:11:37 honestly should we go on to the next yeah hi guys first off just saying i'm a huge fan listen to the podcast all the time also I didn't prepare write anything down or like go through this in my head so sorry in advance um and also I'm an Aries and I'm 22 so anyways I had this really good friend and I was being a good friend to her we were hanging out all the time she started getting toxic in my life so I dropped her didn't really say much just like told her I didn't want to hang out just like that like blew blew off plans didn't reply just tried to give like a subtle hint and then I found out that she had admitted to being in love with my husband so I maturely texted her and said I don't want to be friends with you anymore um it just I'm not getting anything out

Starting point is 00:12:34 of the friendship anymore and then I just blocked her well one of my friends randomly added her on Snapchat and Facebook and she goes on to tell my friends that I've cheated on my husband and slept with one of his best friends and that I'm a horrible person and I talk all this crap about everybody which is why we're not friends and the reason we're not friends is because I randomly blocked her on everything and then she went on within the same hour to add my husband on Snapchat that so I was there I said please please add her I want to see what she has to say and he said I don't want to like fuel the fire I just don't want to entertain this and I said I just want to see what she has to say so he added her and she told him the same stories that I had slept with one of

Starting point is 00:13:24 his friends but she named him and he told her um I don't care who my wife sleeps with leave me alone and then block her I don't believe that she believes that was him she probably thinks that that was me um but all my friends are telling me I need to go beat her ass or confront her my mother-in-law told me I need to confront her and I'm just at the place where I don't think I need to because I'm going to just be giving her what she wants but I wanted an unbiased opinion on if you think I should confront her and what I should say um because it didn't really piss me off the fact that she said I cheated or anything it was just the fact that she said I was a bad person and a bad friend because I was the complete opposite to the friendship and I ended the

Starting point is 00:14:21 friendship very maturely and yeah so anyways unbiased opinion on what you think I should do or if i should stay the bigger person yeah all right thanks guys bye um i are they in an open relationship i don't know because she said yeah i don't care who my wife sleeps with no no shade at all i'm just i am just like curious especially because like if he is one of his like if it's one of his friends and she specifically like named him like that to me is like a if you didn't sleep with him regardless if it's like if you guys have an open relationship like if you did cheat or like you're and your partner knows like oh that's all your own business like that's all of your own business but like it's great like that

Starting point is 00:15:14 she would and if it's an open relationship it's not cheating no exactly but like even so if it was an open relationship or if it was cheating and like you and your partner like that's your business if you guys work through it like that's totally your own stuff um but for her to like name drop someone specifically or if it's a complete and total like lie and then you can just he could ask his friend like is the guy in on this too if it's a total lie that's like my first like just nosy question but wow okay so i know that you're over it and you just want her like to be done with the situation and everybody else is hyping you up to go beat her ass i don't think that you should beat her ass because you know like the law but

Starting point is 00:16:03 stupid i know but i do think you need to confront her because she's just going to keep spreading these lies and you can say what you need to say just one time but let her know like you can't keep lying about me or and yeah just because you got your feelings hurt like what did she expect you to divorce your husband so she could be with him or like you to be okay with it and you guys to stay friends or like for her to just to join in if you have an open relationship she's she might be like oh okay i can join in and be part of this non-monogamous relationship trash I mean I I agree I mean like I'm like such a confrontational person but I do understand that there's sometimes when people like that's all that they want is that kind of like attention

Starting point is 00:16:57 and so you actually get more satisfaction and like hurt them more or get to them more by not giving them that um and that's like the kind of control and power that I think could is sometimes like needed in those situations but i think it just really i think it really just depends on like like the so like the friend who added her and all that stuff that sounds like the friend told you everything so like it's not like she's like getting to people it's not like she's like actually changing people's minds or like affecting that so i think like if you want to like let it lay low for a couple months and like if she doesn't drop it and then have like a whole sit down i mean my power move i would bring your husband with you and have him be like oh not

Starting point is 00:17:44 100 he's just there yeah like and have that be like this thing of being like i'm not interested in you sorry like this whole thing is like absolutely wild but um i it that that confrontation and all of that it's only if you're going to get anything out of it because like you're you either have you either want to or you don't and like wanting to have confrontation about something or talk about something it's because like that's a release and that's gonna feel like so fucking good and satisfying for you but if that's not how you feel you're just gonna go like it's you're not really ever lukewarm on confrontation like it's either like i need to tell this person off or you're like oh i really don't even like i don't have like any desire to do any of this

Starting point is 00:18:30 personally i think that like i if if you want to i would do it but i'm also fucking confrontational and i'm i'm not confrontational at all but i feel like she's just gonna keep saying things because she can because no one's stopping her saying anything for her to stop that's true like she's your friend that she added is probably not the only friend that she's going to keep spreading these lies to so until until something's said for her to stop she's going to keep doing it maybe she'll she'll like end up messaging the mother-in-law and the mother-in-law already knows and is like beat her ass yeah that trick uh that's crazy though what a bitch what like truly what a fucking bitch yeah like in snapchat

Starting point is 00:19:24 and Facebook like bitch calm the fuck down hi Megan and Melissa I'm a 20 year old Virgo and I have a current situation that I could use some insight on please don't judge me though I'm a little sensitive um about a year ago a year to a year and a half ago me and my ex broke up but we continued a friendship like a few minutes a few months after the breakup but that friendship obviously turned into us hooking up 98% of the time. And we kind of just act like a couple after we have sex. And then through this time, I was pretty aware of my place as in that I'm his ex. And I tried to not get too caught up with my emotions. We've both been aware of the fact that we both still have feelings for each other, but never really talked about it. And I ended up

Starting point is 00:20:19 hoarding so many questions in my mind but a few days ago he called me to tell me that he's been talking to somebody for a few weeks I don't really understand why he told me if he's only been talking to them for a few weeks but I guess he might take it more serious than I assume I remained pretty calm during the conversation but then I eventually asked him all the questions that I was hoarding on to such as if he saw getting back together in the future if he still feelings for me he said yes to both of those there were other questions too but there's too much to explain he didn't say it word for word but it kind of felt like he was saving me for later or something like that but now I'm at the point where I need to kind of force myself to get over

Starting point is 00:21:06 him but having that conversation made it super confusing I don't really understand why he would want to start a relationship but still have feelings for me I have a tendency also to get pretty depressed for a while when something makes me upset and I could really use some advice on getting over him while also trying to keep my mental health stabilized. I don't have many friends and with COVID it's definitely harder to make friends. I also don't have a therapist but I've been thinking about getting one for a while. It just makes me uncomfortable because my parents are pretty judgmental about like mental health issues. But anyway thank you for listening. If you do listen or take my call bye our mind is can do a lot of like it does mental we do mental

Starting point is 00:21:55 gymnastics a lot and when someone says something that we and we have feelings for this person we can hold on to like those like little glimmers of hope and disregard the actual situation that we're in because logically like everything you're saying is correct like why would he date someone if he did have feelings for you and this idea that anyone does we're like oh I'm just like saving you for later and I like this kind of thing my like I dated a guy and him and I like we broke up and we said that when we got a lot older not that we were saving each other for later but it was like a really big emotion to break up with because we were young when we dated and then once we got in like we were like in like second eighth grade ninth grade and then once we got like late high

Starting point is 00:22:40 school him and I both were like you know I feel like if we dated when we were older we would have like really seriously dated for like a really long period of time like they were definitely like just bigger emotions than either of us were like really capable of like dealing with at that age but that was all that that was to it it wasn't like oh we're gonna revisit this once we're older it was just a wow this is something that I think if we had met at a different point in our life it could have been something else and then that's it but when you really like care about somebody that turns into the hope. And like, I think he's backburnering you. And I think if he wanted to date you and be with you, he would be with you. And I think that like the, I think we should go

Starting point is 00:23:24 back based on the fact that you should get like, move on from this and like work on getting over it. I think the first step is a hundred percent a therapist. I think depending, she said she's 20 or some I remember she was 20 another color is 20 but your parents are still pretty involved in your life because they're judgmental about mental health um I think the that's a really hard conversation to have with um parents about it but none of it hurts and I know that that can that's like such like a privileged way of like thinking that that will get through to people because it doesn't always but if you can go through like your general practitioner and talk about therapy and then if you like your like general practitioner or your doctor and your

Starting point is 00:24:07 doctor is like your parents go with you to the doctor and still and they can be in the room and like talk about like you know what like mental health is really important and like we did like a mental health screening with her and she's testing on a level where we do think that she would really benefit from therapy and like therapy is not going to hurt her it's not going to make anything worse like the only thing that it can do is like really hopefully like help in this situation granted they have a good therapist but like as like a whole and so I think if you're comfortable talking with them through that but if it's more of like a silent judgmental kind of thing and then you still have the ability to go to therapy even if they're like judgmental about

Starting point is 00:24:49 it I would and then I would talk to your therapist about like how to deal with that um because going through like extreme emotions when things happen can be very normal but it can also be going into like a depressive like state for that and i think the way that you can monitor your emotions through going through a breakup is you don't you said you don't have a ton of friends but if you have like a like a cousin or a family member or even like a singular friend that you can kind of talk to that you're going to do this and like I'm gonna end things with him and I I really just would like to be able to like check in on each other and then have distractions through all of that kind of stuff but I think it depends on like what you do after like a breakup

Starting point is 00:25:42 or when you're sad like do you romanticize like once things are over whether it's like a friendship or something or you're just having feelings of sadness about something being done is it because you romanticize it or do you like uh take on a lot of like the blame does it turn into self-hatred kind of thing so i think if you can figure out uh or break down what it is that you feel or like mentally where your mind goes in those kinds of moments then you can combat it that way so if it's like you romanticize everything and like you get this like really like sad longing and wistful kind of thing i think make a list of all the things that aren't great about him and things you don't like so it can remind you about all of that stuff if it turns into like uh a blame and

Starting point is 00:26:26 reflection on you sort of a thing make a list of things that are like things that you really like about yourself or things that are great about you and then also again all the things that like weren't awesome about them and how this will move on and this will be fine uh and i think a lot of it is the more you can talk through your emotions and your feelings which is what therapy is the more that it's kind of like, I don't know, I would call like any sort of like diagnosis in general can be really validating. But when you say something out loud and then someone is able to like hear that and respond to that, it A, makes those feelings that you have usually a whole lot less scary because you're putting it out in the open and someone is either going to tell you that

Starting point is 00:27:11 that's like explain why you feel like that or explain like how this could be tied to all of this but it just takes the burden off of you and carrying the weight of all of this kind of stuff and i think i think therapy is like a great way to go through this um but also you can't move on if he's still in your life if you're still hooking up if you're still texting him if you're still acting like a couple after you have sex he has to be not a part of your life and i think since you are so attached to him you can't even be friends with him at this point so you've got to cut him out period and say hey look and does he know that you still have feelings for him or does he think that you guys are just hooking up so I think you need to say to him hey like I still

Starting point is 00:27:59 have feelings for you and if you're talking to someone else then that hurts my feelings and I want to be with you so i need we can't hook up anymore we can't talk to each other anymore for my own benefit in my own health i just need you out of my life no i fully agree it's there's no way for you to move on um past this and you can't move on you can't move past something when you can roll over and see him you can't move past something when he's inside of you like you just it doesn't work like that and uh it's it's definitely like hard but if he if he like you you don't want to get caught up in the mind games of a guy who makes you feel uh because he's doing that thing where

Starting point is 00:28:59 he's talking about how he was like hooking up with somebody else but like has kind of responded in this way that he's like saving you for later where like he's actively not choosing you and then telling you that you're the most special of everyone and that's a mind fuck like that is such an absolute mind fuck and it it screw it messes with you it fully messes with you and i i take him by in this situation take him by his actions not his words and if he wanted to be with you he would be with you and choosing not to be with you is not some all-encompassing way bigger emotion and way bigger love it's not a bet like it's just him not choosing to be with you which fucking sucks but like you said you need to fully cut off all contact from him and yeah not like block his

Starting point is 00:29:51 number mute him on everything and just make it like i just mute leave it out you need to mute and follow yeah from everything he's just muted you can still get to him maybe block him yeah i hate that like it's such like a it's a messy situation with a lot of feelings on the line and there's like a there's an aspect of honesty and where someone comes to you and tells you something and like she said like he didn't necessarily have to tell her so then it becomes like oh wow he's like being so upfront and honest like i can't be mad now like or i should feel certain like this is like such a good guy move for him to kind of tell me and not that he's necessarily like a bad dude but like every choice and thing that he's done is like playing with your

Starting point is 00:30:37 emotions to an extent that like makes you just be like what the fuck is going on right and that's does not that does not like a quote-unquote good guy bank he's just exactly trying to get it all Exactly. Okay, guys, we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. Okay, guys, we are back from our break. We're getting to the rest of our calls. Hi, Megan, Melissa. and potential guests um i'm calling in today to talk about my boyfriend so uh for context

Starting point is 00:31:27 we've been together for about three years now i love him to death great um in the last year so something that bugs me a lot um which is that so he doesn't have any social media besides snapchat um he's just like he's always told me like i'm not that kind of person like i just don't I don't have anything to post, like, I just don't really care that much, which I've always respected, because, you know, I keep them off of the phone, and, um, yeah. So, anyway, uh, in the last year, I've noticed that there is this burner Instagram account that watches my Instagram stories. Um, it followed me in the past, and I tried to follow it back, uh, and it wouldn't let

Starting point is 00:32:10 me. um I know for a fact that it's him because the people that it follows um are people who he went to high school with who I went to high school with um who he knew from his old hometown so I know um and I have brought it up to him um a couple times now and kind of been like okay like I think of you and he's denied it um so i'm frustrated because i know it's him and i don't care about him having social media the thing is just like i wouldn't care if he had a normal instagram account and just you know follow all these people on that however the fact that it's like a secret and then it's like the burner account um makes me uncomfortable um i ever since i brought it

Starting point is 00:33:07 up to him the last time he has completely stopped using it and so i doesn't watch my stories anymore so i know it's um however it really bugs me that he won't admit it because um i just you know Obviously, there's something he's hiding then. Anyway, I'm just frustrated, and I love him, and I don't want to believe that he's doing anything bad on these accounts. However, I'm sure you both will be thinking otherwise. But I just want to get to the bottom of this, and it really bugs me, and yet I don't want to keep bringing it up, just have him keep talking.

Starting point is 00:33:45 so any advice would be much appreciated I love you guys a lot and yeah alright thanks bye you know where she lost me where at the very beginning when she said

Starting point is 00:34:01 the only social media he has is snapchat because of all the social medias to say that you have that's the sketchiest one that's the one where you can hide the most shit and then two he is the worst snooper of all snoopers because if you're gonna have a fenced account you don't follow other people that you know and then have your account

Starting point is 00:34:27 locked and then like snoop and get caught this is so weird it's weird and i think he one has something to hide and he isn't i mean he's obviously hiding this instagram account so if he's lying about this he's probably lying about other things and then two i don't think he trusts you completely because why would he be looking at your Instagram if he trusted you that's the part that's the part that really stuck out to me because it's like he follows people that he knows and his friends and stuff which I'm like okay at first I thought this was going along the lines of like oh and I found it and it only follows like a bunch of girls like a bunch of like hot like stereotypical hot girl stuff um and then he denied like but but

Starting point is 00:35:20 the fact that he follows like friends so that to me is like it's in use like he's using it especially like are his friends accounts private like did he have to request them and then like say are they following who's following him as well yeah and but the fact that he's looking at yours is that's weird like either that's like and i that's not even like a i would say that initially i'd be like oh rookie mistake you should have switched back like you're looking at from your fin stuff i'm like oh no you this is the only account that you have like why are you looking at your girlfriends and why are you lying about it like if you just have this like just to look at people's accounts then just say that you have an instagram where you're ghost following people

Starting point is 00:36:06 because i also think it's totally normal like i think it's i like mods post on his instagram like once a year like there are times but he's looks he's on instagram he'll like post on his stories sometimes but like he's not like instagram doesn't always have to be about like posting stuff and like the idea that he's like oh no like I get people who don't have Instagram because they're like oh I'm just not into social media like I really just don't like like that I'm not I don't I'm not into that at all blah blah blah but it seems like for him it's just he doesn't want to post stuff and so then he has a whole account that's not posting stuff that's just like following and yeah I mean can you get into the account because like I can't even explain how much like

Starting point is 00:36:51 dude i feel so so fucking bad for you because this would drive me fucking crazy like i cannot handle when people are lying to me and i know that they're lying and there's something so fucking insulting about like this is so obviously and clearly him and for him to then like for me when this happens and someone lies to me about something so obvious i'm like i'm not stupid like do you think i'm fucking stupid like how dumb do you think that i am that i don't recognize this like it's insulting that you think that you're getting away with something like this and like you're just making it so much fucking worse because you're right if he he's hiding something on that account because he has something to hide so i think if you can get into the account

Starting point is 00:37:34 i would try to but i would also like have a sit down conversation with him like we are not getting up from this table until you tell me the truth like i'm not kidding dude like this is like this is I don't care how like do not gaslight me and do not try and tell me that I'm being crazy for stalking all of this stuff like it you don't hide something unless you have something to hide so tell me what it is and it's like I don't you need to tell me but right now I will be I am mad a hundred like and this is what I've done in these situations where I'm like I'm here I am I'm I'm as mad as I can be right now so no matter what I find I will either stay this mad or I will be less mad but you not telling me is not going to do anything I'm going to stay at the level 100

Starting point is 00:38:13 and either i will stay at the level 100 once i find it out but if you don't tell me i'm still at level 100 like you're not getting out of this in a way that is like oh i'm not just going to forget and move on and we're going to be totally fine like you don't get to like walk away from the situation like you created this and so like now you have to explain it and if it really isn't a big deal and i'm blowing it out of proportion then tell me what it is and i can tell you if it's a big deal or not right also so on instagram i'm not sure because i don't have my contacts connected but can't you like search for people by their phone number yeah you can do it through facebook i think you can do through phone number too

Starting point is 00:38:53 i think so too i think you can oh yeah but i wonder if it is like through contact wise you could see that um yeah he just needs to explain himself and you need to not take no for an answer and just like have a sit-down conversation because like i get what you mean of saying like you don't want to have to keep bringing this up and have the conversation go nowhere like give like you need to have an ultimatum conversation with him and just be like we are not moving from this couch or we're not moving from this table until we get to the bottom of this like I'm not going to walk around with this on like weighing on me for the rest of our relationship and like if you don't want to tell me because you think it's going to end our

Starting point is 00:39:28 relationship like let me be the just I I have a say in that and I have a choice but if you're not going to tell me we're not building a relationship based on the fact that I know you're lying to me about this fucking thing that's super sus right and I just maybe it's bad advice to just say just take no for an answer but like i i just like don't take no for an answer and like lying though take the truth for an answer yeah but like him this this like skirting past it it's like no we're gonna get to the bottom of this and you're gonna tell me everything and it sounds like you know him really well so like you know when he's lying in this situation you know when he's telling the truth and you'll know when he tells you the whole truth and like just don't stop like just

Starting point is 00:40:05 what if what if it's one of his friends that's following her from this fake account because then he'd have all the high school friends that's my only that's my only like the the best case scenario out of this yeah it's like a friend that would have the same contacts but then just serendipitously stopped watching her stories because he knew it was the first i don't know no i know it's it's it's wild because also there are some things that like there are some things that like seem super fucking sus and then you like ask about it and it's like oh okay i can tell you're telling the truth and like they're they're just when you when you're up front with that but like any time even if someone says like oh it's like it's super innocuous

Starting point is 00:40:55 and like you're gonna read too much into it or i don't want to upset you it's like oh because there's something there that would upset me like if you have the fucking pride that people have like you would not if you didn't do something sus you would not you would give me the solid answer so i would know that but if you're not going to give me the answer and you're just going to keep lying it's because you know you did something sus as fuck and so then this suspicious answer in your mind is less suspicious than the actual action that you did and that's how you know it's fucking bad when someone's lying to you and it's so bad then you're like oh dude what the fuck is the truth like like how bad do you think this truth is and how bad do you think i'm gonna

Starting point is 00:41:34 react that you're gonna go out of your way to like concoct this absolutely like unbelievable lie or just like blatantly deny it and you can't even come up with a lie about it because like there is nothing that it could be i don't also want to know how many followers she has because if you have like a hundred followers and i mean she saw that it was somebody that she knew that she didn't know was following her so he is terrible so bad being sneaky which means that he's going to keep fucking up yeah which is like a positive for you that you'll catch a minute but i just think you need to have that conversation and he can't he can't get out of it and yeah it's and i'm not saying that like you have to break up with him but like because also like it's your life but like he's

Starting point is 00:42:30 a liar yeah he's lying and you can get better at lying and but the only thing that you can how that can work is like if he goes to therapy and then also like if he starts telling the truth and like you can create and and that there is he's comfortable enough to tell the truth and like you can know when he is telling the truth in that situation but also don't let him like gaslight you into like oh i didn't want your response like i just thought you'd be so upset or your songs all of that stuff it's like that takes that's not your that's not your problem if you think i'm going to be upset about something and don't do something that would upset me but then you don't get to just not tell me that's not that's not being concerned about my feelings

Starting point is 00:43:09 that's being concerned about your own ass but please give us an update this is so weird to me like it's so fucking weird but if you can snoop i would i would snoop and see if he just maybe has the password i'm sure he has a password fucking saved if he doesn't even have it saved like in app maybe he hasn't saved on like his ipad or maybe he hasn't saved like in a fucking note on his phone yeah also she can probably if she knows his email address or the username you can probably figure it out how to get into his account like try put in some fake passwords and then hit forget password see where his yep and then get the reset in the email and if it comes to his email you don't even have the thing is you don't even have to sign in you can just see if it goes to

Starting point is 00:44:04 his email and then you can be like it can be you guys can be sitting there right there to each other next to each other and see if he checks his email do that do fucking that and i'm assuming you took screenshots and then yeah have that be like okay and then sit with him and then if it does and then it's like okay then show me this account right let's see inside this account let's look through hand me the phone you're gonna sit next to me while I look through all of this and if he's like oh let me look through it for and this is the other thing that I just would like want to ingrain in everybody's heads and like this is coming from like a heterosexual relationship point of view like cis woman dating cis man which is the only experience

Starting point is 00:44:54 I've had, but don't let people like, like that, that, like there's this manipulation of gaslighting that, and it specifically happens a lot with women that it's your, it's about reactions. And it's like, well, I didn't want to, I'm, I'm looking out for you and I don't want you to be upset. That's if you turn it around and think about it in the way that friends are, if you found out something about a friend or you did something as a friend or anything like that, you go to your friends and you tell your friends like oh something something upsetting happened or something like that that involves you you don't necessarily withhold that from your friends like you give your friends the agency that they should they need to know the truth and that you're there

Starting point is 00:45:36 as a support system and a friend to help them out with that but then there's this fucking twofold that can happen in relationships where it becomes no i'm protecting you from your own feelings which is such a controlling and like gross misogynistic sort of thing that just happens naturally when it comes to like gaslighting and like any of that it just like it turns you from being able to trust your own instinct and that's where we get like oh i don't want to be that kind of girlfriend i don't want to be that kind of girl i don't want to be that kind of girl when in reality it's like a completely normal reaction to a response of like someone doing something regards to you or someone that you care about and then explicitly hiding it from you and telling you

Starting point is 00:46:14 it's for your own good and you're a fucking adult you're not a child and like oh that's my therapist says that's like the big thing that's like no megan needs to know everything all the time like i i can't don't protect me from anything because like that's not your job i can do that myself and anybody who then will manipulate and is like doing it for your own good quote unquote or like doesn't want to hurt you is because those are people who have hurt you and they don't want you to know I hate it I hate it please let us know what happens hi Megan and Melissa I'm a 27 year old Capricorn in my first relationship we met last November and fell pretty quickly for each other before he got into grad school at the end of the year across the country we weren't sure

Starting point is 00:47:00 we were going to do long distance but the quarantine brought us closer together and we decided we could make it work, especially since I can now work remotely, or at least the fall semester at his place. That's not why I'm calling, but it's part of it. I'm calling because I recently asked him a question I'm learning most people avoid. He once told me his ex, who he did long distance with in college, was always jealous of his friends that were girls, and it finally occurred to me that maybe it was because something happened with one of them. After worrying for months who it could be, I finally just asked him flat out, and he said it was one of his close friends that he talked to all the time. This was crushing for me because I know they're very close.

Starting point is 00:47:38 She helped him through his breakup with his ex and his depression. They had sex a few times the summer he and his ex broke up in college. He never cheated on her when they were together, but his ex couldn't get past it. This friend has had a boyfriend now for the past three years, and they're very serious and won't live anywhere near my boyfriend when he moves. I know I can't punish him for something that happened five years ago, but I now feel extremely uncomfortable because he has been pushing a friendship with this girl and her boyfriend since we met. I did like her before I knew all this stuff, but now I can't stop thinking about them together and how much more she probably knows about him than me at this point. I know

Starting point is 00:48:14 I can't tell him to never talk to her again, but every time I learn he has, I feel like throwing up and my mood changes. I definitely can't handle being near her anytime soon. I just feel lied to and insecure. My experience before him was very little and I didn't keep any of those people in my life. He knows all this and has limited his contact with her, at least while he's around me, which makes me feel horrible. My question is, how do I not think about them together every every second I have? It's been a month and I thought time would help. It comes the most when he's not around, so I'm more nervous than ever about long distance. I love him and I trust him, but I can't seem to get over it. Thinking about it all the time makes me miserable,

Starting point is 00:48:55 but I'd be even more miserable if I ended things with someone I love over something that happened before me maybe i just need more time but i'd appreciate any advice you can give thanks oh this is messy um i think your feelings are completely valid because he was not open and honest with you from the very beginning that he had slept with her um he should have told you especially because they're still friends there's yeah because they're still friends and he's pushing a friendship with them so i mean i don't think just from what you told us i don't and the fact that she's in a relationship i don't think that he has feelings for her i think that she was a good friend that you know like he hooked up with and he and she's still his friend but if they have feelings for

Starting point is 00:49:50 each other then they'd probably be together if you've got friendship and sex together so like they weren't compatible as people that that would be in a relationship with each other but still he should have been cognizant of your feelings from the beginning um and before he started trying to make you be friends with her yeah um and i'm curious if her boyfriend knows and if she asked him hey let's not tell whatever your let's say your name is like sarah like let's not tell sarah that we hooked up because i like if my boyfriend would be pissed off yeah so there needs to be um because in this situation his loyalties need to lie somewhere they either are lying with her and it's like oh uh for her

Starting point is 00:50:42 own sake I don't like for yeah for this my friend's sake I don't want to I'm not going to tell her because that would make that would hurt her relationship but in turn hurts your relationship and that's not necessarily like malicious it could truly just be like you guys didn't necessarily like you said like quarantine sped up your relationship like it could have this could have just been an absolute perfect storm where like he didn't know how serious you guys were going to be and so then when there were discussions with him and his best friend about it he did his loyalties did lie with her because they were a lot closer and then you guys ended up getting a lot closer a lot quicker and then it was like well fuck how do i like how does this get brought up

Starting point is 00:51:20 again the fact that like he's definitely cut back on like contact with her and all that stuff you shouldn't feel horrible about at all that's not like that's not on you this feels like a theme of the episode of like i don't want to be one of those girls who tells him not to like talk to her but he is going based off of like your comfort level and if she is like a good friend in that sense like she also doesn't it's like you said when you're friends your ex is like she doesn't want to make you feel like if she no if a good friend you find out that like oh this friendship is like real and i've been in that situation too where it's like oh my girlfriend has has a hard time with you around and all of that stuff and I'm like oh my god I don't want to make her feel

Starting point is 00:52:01 uncomfortable at all like fucking back burner me I'll talk to you later on our own time like I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable so I wouldn't worry about that at all but um I this is it's probably not what you want to hear but like a month isn't a long time like I think that you're right time does heal all of this stuff and not I mean not necessarily either heals or like reveals your true feelings and like how your actions and how you want to move forward. But a month is not a long period of time. And I think it's probably really, really tied with the fact that it gives you a definitive reason to feel scared and nervous to be long distance. Like it gives you this thing that like you can kind of hold on to. And I think the being transparent with him

Starting point is 00:52:51 and letting him know that just saying like hey I feel really great when we're together and then when you're gone and stuff like I just can't stop thinking about this and like I am just like obsessing over this and I don't necessarily like I mean I don't like this and so like I want to I think time is going to like be the best fix for this but like I want to like let's come up with a game plan for when you're not around and that kind of stuff so like for you first and foremost i would block this girl on social media or unfollow her or just go out of your way to not go out of your way to like look at her content and her stuff and then is it like daily check if he's like out of town for something or i don't know where he if he's not around if it's getting that value it's

Starting point is 00:53:41 moving and like it's like the like let's make sure we have like a call every morning and we have like check-in throughout the day and we like a FaceTime at night and all of that kind of stuff. But when trust is broken with someone, it is earned back. And I personally think how that's earned back is there's obviously, you know, you saying the things that you need, but also somebody who is going out of their way to go above and beyond to earn your trust back, not just doing everything that you ask is being like, okay, how can I show this person that when they're not around, I'm thinking of them? How can I go out of my way to show them that they can trust me and not just like wait for instructions or wait for like, oh, just tell me what to do. And then I will do it

Starting point is 00:54:27 because that puts so much pressure on you. But I also would wonder if it would, I don't know if you're confrontational at all, but I don't even mean this in a conversation way, but like, I don't know if it would make you feel better to have a conversation with her and like especially since he wants you guys to be friends I think he would be totally okay with it yeah and I if you liked her before and I think that's also like to be honest that's so much harder when like you really like her and like you think that she's cool and then you find out that they like had slept together and then it's like fuck like I like her and then it becomes like an insecurity because there's sometimes that someone's dated someone you're like oh god I hate them and then you find out

Starting point is 00:55:08 that your partner is hooked up with them and you're like oh we're not the same at all but if it's someone who you really like that can be like oh fuck like like it can prey on your insecurities a lot so i think i if i were the other girl in the situation i would love to have a like and have a sit-down conversation or just even like a text if someone told me like hey i just found out about this like you and my whatever this made me feel a certain way like and like just to be able to like kind of like quell that and have her be like oh my god I like love him like he's great he's like but like to be honest like we hooked up like twice when we were wasted and like happy for you but like was really not my thing and like it was like and we can make everything like this

Starting point is 00:55:53 really romantic thing in our head especially when it's our own partner because like we see them in that way and like we really love them we're attracted to them like that and like you said the beginning if they if the friendship was there and it is and then if there was like that sexual attraction that romance there they would be together of like all those people so I think it might actually make you feel a lot better to talk to her and then it'll either I think like quell everything that you're feeling and like you can move on because like she's not so like this like elusive like fantastical ethereal kind of like wonderful great being the one that got away in a certain way uh or she's like a total fucking bitch and is like the fucking worst and then like

Starting point is 00:56:39 then you get to make your choice from there but i think you're just putting a lot of pressure just on your yourself for this especially when this is going to be like a long distance relationship where that's a lot of just you sort of a thing good god this is a stressful episode all right now it's time for don't blame them don't blame them where somebody calls in and gives their own advice on one of our previous calls so which uh episode or what kind of what was this original call this was from season six episode five um so the person that is calling for don't blame them is a therapist and she is weighing in on how people are coping during a pandemic oh imagine it's my therapist sarah hi megan and melissa um i am calling for don't blame

Starting point is 00:57:37 them um for the episode from june 29th of this year um so i'm actually a therapist um and i just have some thoughts on the girl who was calling about her girlfriend who drinks and smokes too much um so I really second everything you guys said I thought that I was so on point um and I would you know echo that that's what that girl should do um I also wanted to add that um it really hurt my interest when the the girlfriend said that she's bored and that's why um she wants to use and I get it like it's quarantine and like there's nothing else to do and like everything just feels so bleak so that's what that's how it goes back to your guys's advice of like sussing out what's going on but I just want to throw out there that um ADHD and substance abuse actually

Starting point is 00:58:29 has a very strong correlation um for people who have ADHD second is probably no um it boredom can feel painful. And it's not really talked about a lot, but there is this strong correlation of people with ADHD using substances to cope with how painful boredom is and all the other things that come with ADHD. I also have ADHD, so that was definitely something that I've experienced and can speak to as well as speaking to on a professional level. So she definitely should talk to a professional um obviously that professional could help her in that way like if that is a scenario but I just wanted to throw that out there especially if other people are experiencing that like if you just feel like you don't know what to do with yourself and you're

Starting point is 00:59:18 not trying to cope with anything but boredom just feels like painful and um you're wanting to take that feeling away it's just something to think about that it's not talked about as much should be. Thanks, guys. Very, very, very true. My therapist talks about how like I need and people with ADHD need more simulate like stimulation than most people. And so when there's like nothing going on, or my nothing or ADHD, nothing compared to other people's nothing like I need to do I function the best I have like all these different things going because otherwise, like my brain doesn't know how to like, like it can't handle all of that. And so it's, it's so, so super true. And something I've also learned, um, is that people with ADHD have a lot of impulse control

Starting point is 01:00:09 issues, which like can tie into like my skin picking and all of this other stuff that shit that I've like dealt with personally. But like drinking is also something that I talk about it in my book, something that I like very much got into in like a self-medicating kind of way but um there is that combination of you can't be bored you have to do anything else to than other anything else to be bored i can like explain it in the sense that like people who don't have adhd if you like go to bed at night and you're like mind is racing now imagine that on like 10 000 times at all times the day like your brain works so fucking fast that like you just want to kind of slow it down like you just kind of want it to like calm the fuck

Starting point is 01:00:49 down and like that can be a huge thing to that but also yeah the impulse control aspect of it and uh there's this other channel that i started watching about adhd which was really interesting but they talked about um the receptors that release like serotonin which is why like a lot of people with adhd also deal with like depression and stuff is that like they don't regulate in the same way that it does for people who like don't have that and so it's the same reason why like people with ADHD have a lot of the impulse control things are negative things like they're like physically like like physical self-harm sort of things or like picking or scratching or anything like that because like your body weirdly enough releases like dopamine or serotonin for these

Starting point is 01:01:32 kinds of things that like when you're not controlling your impulses like it can feel really good like it kind of just feels like you're just like letting yourself like be yourself but then it becomes his like self-destructive sort of thing and so uh that is like a very very good point and i think therapy is like a great option for that and also like learning so much about because like i didn't go to therapy for my adhd like specifically like i just was going to my psychiatrist about it because i was like i just like can't fucking focus and we'll talk about it but then once i i started talking about it more in therapy i was like oh this shit like really affects my fucking life and she's like yeah like this is like a way bigger thing so i think this is

Starting point is 01:02:12 so interesting and such a good a good good good point and we love it when therapists listen to our show yeah i love it so much thank you so much for calling okay guys that is it for today's episode this week's episode we hope you enjoyed if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com this is your weekly reminder that uh you should be following us on instagram on twitter um i will say sometimes i go through and like stalk people um who are like you know like commenting on stuff like in our facebook group and then i see that like you don't follow us on instagram and like that's just really rude and like you should maybe oh but check and

Starting point is 01:03:02 see like do they follow like other like people that aren't yeah they fucking follow claudia all of them follow claudia and then not me and i'm like claudia and i are friends like can i not get the claudia sluski like stamp of approval like come on like we would like a follow um but back to our facebook group just talk about that we are still not accepting new members and um if you send a dm this week and you ask about it and you don't listen to the end of the episode i'm just gonna start writing down the usernames and then i'm just once we open it up i'm not gonna accept you because you actually don't listen and then you and a big part of the facebook group is listening you have to listen and read and be active and like follow directions

Starting point is 01:03:51 keep all directions you get kicked out and you got to seek out those directions versus being like i don't know if this is breaking the rules and i'm like how about you look at the rules um but uh yeah our facebook group is currently closed for new members we will let you know when we are accepting new ones and we will give you all a link when that happens um please register to vote vote for joe biden um that's not near me oh do you have do you have a whole cardboard oh i was like you got a cardboard cut out of joe that'd be my sister's dream she has a crush on him oh okay i I mean, I, you know, Al Gore was mine, so I can't, I can't knock anyone at all. Her, her type is like old white men.

Starting point is 01:04:31 They gotta be like, they gotta have like great grandchildren. Oh, wow. Okay. For sure. I like it. Um, and, uh, what else do we have to do that we have to say? Anything else? If you want to listen, add free to our episodes, you can sign up for Stitcher pre.

Starting point is 01:04:49 Your playlist might get you through the workday, But have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors.

Starting point is 01:05:13 Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. We are over there. and um that is it and we'll see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso

Don't Blame Me! - S6E16: Boyfriend Has A Burner Instagram w/ Melisa D. Monts

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