Don't Blame Me! - S6E17: My Friend Likes the Cheeto Man w/ Melisa D. Monts

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello and welcome to Don't Blame Me. This is an advice podcast where you guys call in with questions you have about your life, situations that you're dealing with, and we give you advice. We're giving advice on awkward situations, family, sex, trauma, dating, relationships, doing the nasty anything weird and in between and remember we are always giving our advice from our own personal experiences we are not professionals we are not experts we are just your your best friends your hoes your bitches your squad the friends who are probably going to give you the advice that maybe is not what your therapist would say but it's definitely the advice you should hear we're all about tough love we're not sugarcoating anything and we're talking to you

Starting point is 00:00:53 like we talk to our best friends and i am your host megan rinks and i'm joined by my co-host and producer the fantastic marvelous superwoman melissa de monts hello i love that intro that was dynamite fantastic wonderful i try all this i feel all the same things about you too thank you so much i'm so happy that we're friends me and i mean i mean that like from the bottom of my heart oh i would i would die like there i don't know what i would do like i would what did i do before you i don't know miserable miserable what is life truly if anybody like needs a pump up too before you go like to like box or like work out like i you i we were talking about this last night right like later at night i literally was like i could do 100 push-ups right now like i did not talk

Starting point is 00:01:42 about this this i don't know who you were talking to oh i thought you said the mailman the mail the mail yeah yeah I thought you meant the like 100 push-ups like you told me that oh no no no that's just how I was like livid for you like I was like this please take it away ah so I have a business mailbox because you know the government requires you to have a business address even though you know most things are virtual now so the last time I went was three months ago when I had to renew my box and so you know i had to renew it again haven't been since because i've been getting all my mail sent forwarded here at my apartment so um because i don't want to go and be around germs so yesterday i had to go renew it i almost forgot that i needed to do it and um i'm walking

Starting point is 00:02:34 to the door they have you know the little patches outside like to stand and wait in case there's too many people in and i looked inside i was like oh there's not that many people in but then a man who was also a patron of the mill place because it's not the post office i don't want to shit on the post office yes we love the post office a male a man that was also a patron of the mill place he um opened the door for me and he had a mask on the lower part of his face and not over his nose um and even if he had one over his nose my response to him would have been the same thing and so he opens the door and I was like no go ahead and he said no I'm holding the door for

Starting point is 00:03:26 you and I was like no you know like I'm trying to keep six feet please go ahead and he said i don't care about that and i said well i care please go ahead and he gets like all huffy and puffy and then pushes his way outside the door he's like this is why you can't do anything for bitches i was just trying to hold the door open it took everything in me not to turn around and clock this dude also he was like six five and huge like yeah big but so like it's not like i could so you know i go in renew my box and i come back outside and i don't think i told you this part but he was sitting in his car with like three other dudes none of them had masks on he was just like looking at me when i came out and i just like glared at him because i'm not gonna

Starting point is 00:04:12 back down from yeah some dipshit so i don't know if he was like waiting for me to come out or he was just sitting in the car but either way he's trying to intimidate me and so fuck toxic trash and fuck this pandemic like why it's literally bringing out like what is inside of people and to a terrible terrible way like to a terrible extent like absolutely disgusting yeah if you would like to be on an episode of don't blame me please give us a call and leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you have to be 18 or older or with your parents permission before you leave us a voicemail make sure it's nice clear and concise under three minutes and our pro tip is you know

Starting point is 00:05:00 write it down and then read it make sure it's all nice and great if you're not a Virgo embody what it would be like to be a Virgo calling into the show before we get into our first call guys we have an update from a caller on a previous episode and she is here right now hello hi how are you doing i'm good and you guys aren't seeing the video um and we already addressed this like with each other but i just feel like the audience should know that she is sitting in her car yes so it is on brand we appreciate it but she's not driving so we do not have passing car noises yeah so thank you this is if you're going to be in your car this is how you should do it also cardio is great acoustics so yeah great job and also don't do it near

Starting point is 00:05:50 remember that one call where there was just like livestock in the background see look at you you're thinking ahead you're like in the car but sans livestock so this the original call was in season six episode 10 and caller why don't you tell us a little bit about what the original call was okay yeah so um it was just basically my fiance was well we got drunk and i asked what he would like me to do and he said that he would really like it if I could talk about previous sex stories with other partners that I've had, and I'm really shy and like come from a religious house where that's like

Starting point is 00:06:41 bad. So I didn't know how to do that. Um, but I wanted to, so, so far we've just kind of like, he works on the road, so he works long distance. So we kind of just incorporated it into our texting every once in a while. um it's still like a little bit uncomfortable and odd for me but we've tried to do it that way before we like try to do it in person and that seems to be working that's what i would do yeah it's like a little warm-up a little tease and it's in writing too so you can edit yourself and like if you feel awkward like there are some times when you send a sex and like there

Starting point is 00:07:22 are times like you know you're like really into them and there are times you're just like and like yeah this is so cringy and you like get to do that you like can't make that face in person by being like I know I'm like sitting in my bed and I'm like oh my god yeah no but that's so much that's so much better that way and then like you know ease into it warm up to it do you like it at all or is it more like this is for you homie I mean I don't hate it but I think it's more just like it being uncomfortable not really that I like I'm just not used to it I think if I can like get more comfortable i would be into it but would you be into it if he said like his previous sex experiences like to you i don't think so

Starting point is 00:08:02 actually that's not that's a lie i wouldn't oh no 100 like i'd be like um no like i think i would actually be into it yeah fucking aquarius you're chill ass what's your sign by the way i'm an aquarius actually oh wow yeah no i could never i couldn't do i could do it like i could totally be like yeah this one one time fucking getting railed by some other dude but it's like at any point he turned around he goes yeah so one time i was fucking this other bitch i'd be like nice did you say what sir you fucking said what i'm pretending you've never had sex with anybody else good god but that's great though i think that's that's a good way to like ease into it and as long as you know he's not trying to tell

Starting point is 00:08:50 tell you yeah no yeah he has not i think he knows better so like what are like next steps like is it like facetime next um we haven't really even got there or like talked about that so i would assume that would probably be next but we really are just going pretty slow fuck yeah do you think it's like not that it's like wouldn't be working or whatever but like has he given like positive feedback like yeah this is yeah this is yeah well like if I'm like is that what you're looking for or like whatever he'll be like yeah that's good or like he hasn't said anything's bad so I hope it's not oh that's great are you getting like descriptive or are you like you know you put the lobster into the cold water and then you turn it up yeah like I slowly would say like a couple

Starting point is 00:09:37 things and he'd be like tell me more like what and i was like uh okay my memory would not be good enough for that and also like that was literally another thing i was like i just feel like i don't really remember that good and also like this is your fiance this is who like you want to end up with like i know for me i'm like okay i've had like a couple of like other like specific like really bomb sexual experiences people are like but do you want me to talk about like do i have to like glamorize and make it seem like oh he was great he couldn't find the clit it was so fun i loved it like like what and also like at some point you're gonna run out of stories right yeah i know that's so funny oh i love it that's amazing um

Starting point is 00:10:24 what's his sign cancer huh male cancers are a different a different i just like don't totally get them and i say that like one of my best friends is a male cancer and i like i like love him to death but like i i'm like you are so like i don't get you like you're so mysterious but it's a good pairing aquarius and cancer just because i both like aquarius is ain't cancers i have no idea if astrologically yeah it matters to be fair astrologically capricorn and leo which is me and moths is the by far the worst pairing like like they're like it's like cancer and aquarius have a bad good of an outlook but who cares fuck it you're making it work it's all first impressions anyway that's really what it is amazing okay well great thank you so much for giving us an update

Starting point is 00:11:19 we appreciate it and absolutely love it and um makes me happy when people like you know listen to the show and then call in and then they continue listening after we've answered their call and then they're like and we'll give you an update like that makes me feel really fucking good so thank you so much yeah of course thanks for having me now we're gonna get into the calls hi megan and melissa i thought of you both to ask those questions because i know that sometimes you reference astrology there is this astrology dating app um it's called like newie knew it something like that um but i've been utilizing it because i'm into astrology and i met this guy we'll name him jerry and we got a 92 in romance it basically like gives numerical amounts to

Starting point is 00:12:11 your sinister reconnection like of your entire birth chart so we got a 92 to me that means that we are meant to be right um but he's really really dragging his feet on things I'm an Aries I'm Venus and Aries I'm very impatient and we like spend a lot of time in messages but he doesn't want to meet up like he keeps blending it on you know social distancing which I totally understand but it's like where we live our city we're out of the zone where we're able to like meet up so i don't really get it i'm having a hard time like moving on because normally i'm in areas it's like if you know if it's not like going anywhere i'm totally done with it um but like our charts are so so compatible so i like low-key feel like he's the one um so i just i'm looking for some advice

Starting point is 00:13:04 like you think that he's making that an excuse like he still messages me all the time um or should i just move on even though our stars are aligned and we're literally meant to be and i don't know why he's not recognizing that even 92 for god's sake but anyways appreciate any insight you can give love the pod have a beautiful day i feel like this is what people think we feel about astrology when they're like they're obsessed with astrology and remember being like whoa bump the brakes aries pump the fucking brakes first of all this is your this is your fucking psa and reminder we are in a fucking pandemic and the cheeto that is our fucking president in the white house is an absolute load of shit so any fucking government mandated thing or oh

Starting point is 00:13:50 my city is fine my city is fine and you're in the u.s it's not fucking fine we are in we have a fucking dick a fucking dictator and his idiotic self it was is a deny he's a first of all he's a fucking the chinese virus i'm sorry he's a like fucking racist and if we're gonna go just basically based on the pandemic stuff the reason why the u.s is fucked up so much from this is because of our government and him so then to then listen to your government and be like oh well they say our city fine even though we no no no no no no no no no no unless you live in fucking new zealand or one of those if you unless your school all of that shit is fine you're not fine we should school shouldn't be in session all of this shit shouldn't be happening so to say like oh well i'm

Starting point is 00:14:33 just gonna follow this that's literally being like okay i'm gonna follow this thing and i know that the outcome is all these people dying and like i'm gonna keep doing the thing that we have been doing like this is like not i don't even know what state you're in but like california specifically i have fucking people who i know who are like just being like well i'm following california's protocol i'm like you know how we've had the same protocol in place even though we've increased our like numbers every day right you know that right like and like they're starting to open like hair salons and stuff again and like we're doing worse than we were when they put those there so like cause and effect use your brain guys yeah so that's the first thing that like

Starting point is 00:15:11 this like belittling of anyone who's like well are they blaming it on the pandemic it's like oh actually what that sounds like to me and like you know what we hear about on the other end is like as soon as someone being like oh let's meet up like you and i suppose we're texting each other being like oh trash fucking trash like judging anyone who's trying to meet up during the pandemic whereas you're judging him for like blaming the pandemic on not wanting to meet up with you so like if anything if i were him harsh but this is the truth if i saw that you were trying to meet up with me during the pandemic i would be like yeah i'm not that interested in this person anymore yep that's i mean 100 happened to me like it was so fast it was like hey look at

Starting point is 00:15:55 this and then it goes hey scrap uh unsend the previous text i literally said now i'm dry explicitly it was like yeah no no no no and you know that that's that's fucked when someone's that attractive that it can just so that's what i would say about that aspect of it um i think astrology is fun and like astrology memes are fun but like oh my god it's not a science and like like we talk about it because it's fun for us to talk about but we don't take it like a exact science well and also like i don't know any astrologists like who like i follow whatever who like their whole like premise of astrology and that they go on is like to better understand yourself and the people in your life and like how to communicate with them better it's kind of like

Starting point is 00:16:50 a like similar to love languages or something like that or like attachment theory or things that like it's just a better understand it's not like um how to like pick and choose the people in your life it's more like how you interact with the people in your life or how those relationships go and being compatible like on paper paper that doesn't know it doesn't know and i think like maybe you think because he's also on that app that like he would value that even more but i just think that like motz and i aren't compatible our stars our charts are like literally not compatible like at all but the whole thing that they've always said from astrologers that i've like been like when they talk about compatibility it's just like first impression like instant connection but

Starting point is 00:17:36 it doesn't mean that those people aren't like can't be friends or can anything like that like you can have some differences in your personality and like that might be tied to astrology but like it's not the cause of it like it's just who you are or who you're not and i think i mean even our update that we heard earlier she was saying that her and her fiance aren't like astrologically compatible but they're engaged so you can't go off of that no you should take you should take his disinterest no you should take the pandemic as seriously as you take astrology yes i am 92 sure that you're being reckless and not treating this as seriously as you should 92 sure and also why do you have to meet up like what like if this person like if they're your

Starting point is 00:18:35 person why can't you facetime and talk and really get to know them and spend this whole time like having like a really deep personal connection before you like meet up with them when the pandemic is over like yeah i don't think he's your person if you have to meet up with him like immediately now i agree and i also don't think you're his person because i think he is like no there's a pandemic and like i actually care about people's lives and you're like i care like the fact that he doesn't want to meet up with you like it shows that he cares about your like i'm wet like i'm wet for a guy who's like hey sorry i can't meet up like it's the pandemic he's like you know i just like the immune like if if a man tells me that he's worried about the

Starting point is 00:19:19 immune compromise pussy dripping wop as fuck you're concerned about everybody you're wearing a mask with a filter wop as shit oh oh my nipples are hard like yes talk talk talk social distancing to me daddy like fuck yes let's go on to the next yeah hey guys um i'm calling in for some uh kind of relationship advice it's kind of just a sticky situation i got myself into um so me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years now and when i met him i told him i was a year older than i actually was um not because for any specific reason like we just were friends at first but I always tell people that I'm a year older than I actually am because my birthday is like late um just according to like the school month and I met

Starting point is 00:20:16 him when we were in school um so yeah I told them I was a year older than I actually was and um we've been dating for two years so I've only had one birthday like just like with him if that makes sense and we're long distance right now but um so I didn't even have to worry about it like because I had forgotten like he thought I was a year older um but this birthday coming up I I remembered again and I realized like oh shoot I need to tell him um because when I turn of age or 21 I don't I think that's a bitch uh like I'm sure he's going to want to do some like some things like that I actually have to be 21 for and I feel really secure in our relationship but I'm still like like I'm just really like I don't know how to bring it up

Starting point is 00:21:16 because I don't know I feel like that's kind of like a big confession type of thing but yeah I'm a Leo he's a Taurus yeah we are long distance again but I know it was kind of fucked up to do in the first place

Starting point is 00:21:36 and like I acknowledge that and I made a huge mistake well not a huge one but it's just kind of like a stupid one were you 17 when you met him that's what it is well because she's talking about he thinks that it sounds like he thinks she's turning 21 this year and she's turning 20

Starting point is 00:22:02 and so he like it sounds like he's gonna want to do something 21 thing and you're like actually i'm only turning 20 and so that if you've been dating for two years that means you're wait you're 18 now yeah so you were 17 no you're 19 now 18 so you'd be 17 when you dated right when you started dating I think so if she's saying that this birthday that's coming up

Starting point is 00:22:26 is her 21st well that's literally the only fucking thing that would make sense like I was either thinking you were either like lying about being 21 or you were lying about being like 18 like there's those are the ages that you are this is

Starting point is 00:22:44 this is just like this is the issue with this is this is manipulative in like doing this in the first place because you're not you're taking away his ability and his decision making if he doesn't want to date someone who's 17 which is very very very valid and it's not up to you to decide if he's comfortable with that or not like but then when you take that decision away from him you're deciding that you don't you don't trust that he will be comfortable and so you you don't care about how he feels about it um and also again there's also nothing hotter than a dude who's like i'm so sorry i don't want to like you're a little too young for me right now like sexy hot you are not fetishizing young children i love that like thank you like that's a that's a good

Starting point is 00:23:32 thing that's also a great thing um i'm gonna level with you i think it's kind of sus as fuck that this hasn't come up at all or like has he ever hung out with your friends like has he like she says that her birthday is later in the year so her friends are probably 18 like but like her friends like for your birthday posts and stuff do you have to like communicate with your friends and say like hey don't write my age anywhere oh that's true like that's the thing that like there's there's certain like lies which is like it's a one-time line it never comes up again but like your age specifically is one that like i don't i don't see it having happened that you said it one time and then it's you've had like cover for a birthday like like that's a lot

Starting point is 00:24:16 yeah i mean you shouldn't have done it no you shouldn't have done it that puts him in an awkward situation um also how old is he um because he might this might be something you just have to prepare yourself that this might be something that's unforgivable for him but you have you need to tell him yeah well because he's gonna find out yeah like he will find out and it is something that like it's a it's okay it's allowed to be unforgivable like it's his choice if he wants to like forgive you for doing this and um it's it's yeah it just don't do this kind of shit like just don't yeah and the sooner you tell him then the easier it's gonna be um it's gonna be hard but um just be honest with him yeah i mean if you have a late for school

Starting point is 00:25:20 birthday it's probably around now because i i'm august and i always had a late for school birthday like i was always like the one of the youngest in my class um so you've got between whenever your birthday is like i'm assuming it's in the next couple weeks next couple months like you have to tell him before yeah because like imagine he fucking sends you like all of the oh my god they're long distance imagine this he fucking sends her alcohol she has to sign for it to be 21 she can't sign for it like and because your name's gonna be on it so they can't even have somebody else who's over 21 sign for it it has to be their name on it and then you sign for it like moss when he like orders like bevmo shit i can't sign for it even though i'm over 21 but

Starting point is 00:26:10 it's because it's his name yep because it could be like parents their kids stealing their parents ids or whatever and then buying it and so when they deliver they have to still check just like they do in the store yeah so let's like role play okay who do you want to be um you be the girl okay um hey babe hey daddy hey babe um I I have something that I need to tell you and I want to like start off by saying I really regret doing this this was a really big mistake and I really wish I hadn't done this because it was not my place to take away this um take away the choice from you. But when we first met me, I'm so sorry. I also murdered your dog. Um, when we were, when we first met, I lied about my age and I said that I was a year older than I

Starting point is 00:27:23 actually am. So I said that I was example 18 when I was actually 17. And I did that because I didn't think you would date me because i was underage which is a very valid and fair thing to have done and i shouldn't have taken that away from you you should be able to agree and consent to everything in our relationship and by making that decision for you i took that ability away from you and i understand that this is something we can't move past and i really regret everything but i just needed to come clean. Wow. That is a lot. So this is something like pretty big that you've lied to me about. And I really wish you would have told me, um, earlier. And like, if you've lied about this, what else have you lied about? Uh, some stuff. I, I definitely, I mean, I had

Starting point is 00:28:22 you know create a whole lie to cover up this lie and get other people roped into my lie so okay well i'm gonna need to take some time to think about this but what you did wasn't cool i agree and you're totally valid and fair in doing that and i respect whatever decision you end up making okay i need a minute and scene that's how this needs to fucking go yeah because you you the way that you laid everything out it did it you took you as in Megan took full responsibility for everything that happened and uh gave the complete truth of everything that was said and that when you give and when you let someone know that kind of thing you can't like qualify it with like you can say like this was

Starting point is 00:29:17 the reason why I did it and that's not that's not but it's not like but I did it because of this this and this and that as if that justifies it like you can explain why you did it but also it's everyone's preference of how they like apologies like once one apologizes to me like I do want to know like what was going through your head and like why you did it but I do want you to still assume responsibility so that's like super important and you also have to like recognize too that like within all of this lie there is like this the birthday you celebrated and like that kind of lie and if they want to break up with you because of this that's their right and that's okay and you can't pressure someone into it or being like well I did this because I love

Starting point is 00:29:58 you and like look how happy we are now like you don't get to compare like the good times and be like oh look at this it's a scale like it's pro con list like but look how great I've been but like I did this one little thing like it's in the past let's move on like it's completely on them if they want to or not so yeah good luck but don't anybody out there don't ever lie about your age because it just puts people in an awkward position it doesn't give people a choice and you should be truthful with people from the beginning okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're gonna get into the rest of the calls

Starting point is 00:30:56 hi friends uh i just wanted to call and say um one i love your podcast um i listen to it on all my road trips um but I was calling because I have a little bit of a predicament um so I'm I've always I'm gay I've always identified as gay since I was like probably 15 or so um I came out as gay to my super religious family that had kind of a hard time with it um and so like it took them a while to accept me um but eventually they came around and it was like a thing to be a stronger or whatever but um recently I've been kind of re-questioning my sexuality um I've been kind of curious about um boys because there is this guy that I met on OkCupid

Starting point is 00:31:57 and he has like all the qualities of someone that I would like. He's you know, a Hufflepuff which is really important. He's a Libra. He's an ENFJ I think. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:32:14 I thought he was an ENF something. I'm an Aries and I love Libras. Like I love libras they always crush my heart but i love them and we get along really really well and he wants to have sex but i'm really really worried because i've never had sex with a man and i am just really confused and just concerned because i do have some I do have some trauma

Starting point is 00:32:54 with like men I'm not really a big fan so I'm worried that like we're gonna try and during I'm gonna like freak out on them and it's gonna be a whole big thing but I just I don't know what to do

Starting point is 00:33:09 I'm so confused um I'm worried that if I do like him I'm gonna have to re-come out to my parents and be like hi parents remember when I remember i told you that i was gay surprised there's a man that i like and it was all for nothing and they're gonna be all emotional and i'm just really concerned so if you could help me that would be great because i really don't know what to do okay first i want to point out that

Starting point is 00:33:37 you met him on ok cupid so that means that you would have had yeah men you know um selected as far as somebody that you wanted to date and the thing about sexuality is that it's on a spectrum and so you and it's on a spectrum so it could be like you were attractive attracted to women all your life and then now there's just this one guy is the only guy that you'll ever be attracted to or it could be you're attracted to women and now you're attracted to men or it could be you're attracted to everybody like it doesn't sexuality doesn't fit into one box and you don't have to come out to people again unless you want to like it could be you know maybe you're fluid we don't know but it's for you and you don't have to tell anybody unless like you're really into this guy

Starting point is 00:34:42 yeah and i would also say like i think there's like a lot of like really great readings on uh like trauma and related to like the lgbtqia plus community and like people posted in like our facebook group like some like interesting articles of people who've gone through like very similar things like questioning uh their sexuality and i think like i also just want to say that like right off the bat like coming out to your family and the choice you made to come out to your family like is not not a waste like that's never going to be a waste and like regardless of like where your sexuality goes from from here like honoring that part of your life if like you aren't attracted like if you're attracted like you said if you're attracted to

Starting point is 00:35:29 like this one man that doesn't negate like every other woman you've ever been attracted to or every other like non-binary person you've been attracted to or anything like it doesn't negate that at all and i think like even if from here let's say this person is like the person you end up with with the rest of your life like you never date anyone of uh like you never date anyone in like the lgbtqia plus community ever again like you're dating like a cis straight man not sure if that's like where he falls but like that like just let's just say for example you're doing that that doesn't make you any less of whatever you identify as like if you decide that you want to identify as It's just like a part of the community.

Starting point is 00:36:08 If you want to identify as like whatever you want or if you don't want to identify as anything like your like title and your label should be something that feels good to you and like feels empowering to you. And that's the reason why you you're comfortable with it. It's not for anybody else at all. Like it's just for you. And if there isn't one that like fits you or feels good to you, then like be done with that like a label.

Starting point is 00:36:35 and if one felt good for a while but like doesn't sit right now like okay like it's your life and it's your choices for whatever you want to do and i think like honoring the fact that like that's such a huge thing to like come out to like incredibly religious parents like have this be like a process of getting there and that's never going to be a waste regardless of like the what whoever you end up with like what they identify as so um i think if we're going to talk about like first of all if he wants to have sex we're in a pandemic right so you can have sex but no mouse yeah and like you can't you know come anywhere yeah so like or if it's in a condom it's fine yeah but then you guys need like uh you can't breathe on each other either and like you need

Starting point is 00:37:24 like quarantine and you have to wear masks put a whole particle like trans uh partition between both of you um but i would say in future uh if you decide that you want to have a sexual experience with a man and like have your first one like i think all you really need to do is like clue him in and like let him like let him know like hey i've only been with whim before i have some you know, trauma in my past. And like, I'm going to level with you. Like, I don't really know how this is going to go. And like, if you don't want to hook up, that's totally fine. But like, if you do, I just need you to understand that, like, I don't know how this is going to go. And like, we're going to take this really slow. And like, I'm gonna work, you're gonna need to check in on

Starting point is 00:38:09 me as we do this. And like, I, this is just how it's going to be. And I think if you don't feel comfortable telling him that I wouldn't sleep with if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone uh when that you're going to sleep with like about like if you're worried about the outcome or worried how it's going like in that kind of way then like i just i wouldn't do it i think like you don't have to like i don't think you have to like tell someone like if you've never had like penetrative sex before i don't think you like that's all your own business but i think if it's about if for you you're concerned you're going to be in a very vulnerable state i would make sure you're in that vulnerable state with someone who you can trust and if you can't trust

Starting point is 00:38:55 them i wouldn't do that but i also like i don't think anyone who has i don't think everyone who has sexual trauma needs to let the people that they're sleeping with know at all like however you want to reclaim your sexuality do whatever the fuck you want with your body but if you're concerned about your own vulnerability in a moment and it would make you feel better to like have someone clued in on it then i think you should totally do that because it can be very like i also think that might weed out like if you like want to sleep with them or not um but yeah i think it's like everything you said like it doesn't need your sexuality and like it can totally change and this could just be like the one person that you're

Starting point is 00:39:37 interested in and also it could be like i'm not gonna say a phase because like sexuality is not a phase but like it could just be like oh i've only i'm curious like i'm curious and then maybe you try it maybe you don't like it maybe you do like it and i don't think you need to feel uh like a pressure like you're in a hole like you can't get out of anything you're not backing yourself into any type of corner that's the beautiful thing about sexuality yeah and i think that we give uh like straight people who uh or like let's say like people who have like lived so much of their life like you know in like heteronormative relationships if they then decide like once they're older like recognizing their sexuality and they're like that's great but like

Starting point is 00:40:24 I don't think that there's that same sort of understanding in the queer like in like I'm not a part of the queer community but in some of like friends that I've had who have like identified as strictly one way or the other and then they like hook up with a girl or hook up with a guy and that it feels like wrong but it's like it's i i we need to normalize like gender and sexuality as being like a who the fuck cares and who the fuck knows not my business not my problem like two consenting adults have fucking fun do whatever the fuck you want um i've been with my boyfriend for over a little over three years i'm a leo he's a sagittarius i've known him practically my whole life ever since elementary school and me and his mom were super super close literally talked almost

Starting point is 00:41:13 every day I would visit her at work we would go to on dinner dates together she I like saw her as one of my friends not my boyfriend's mom well I used to work at this type of establishment it was kind of like a strip club but not really but we did dress like strippers but we didn't dance but it was also partial nudity and we kept it a secret and she somehow found out that I worked at that type of establishment and she also found out what I was wearing and when she brought it up to my boyfriend he was super embarrassed and he got really mad at me and I was really confused because I was like um you gave me permission to you know work at this job I asked you if you're okay with it he said yes so I was like okay cool if he wasn't okay with it I totally would have left

Starting point is 00:42:02 because I don't have any problem with that um anyways she found out and it's been it was really really awkward and also she found out the first week of shelter in place here in California and I hadn't talked to her for months and then just one day I decided to reach out and like hey like I know you know where I used to work at um if you want to talk like I'm really sorry I just feel super awkward about this situation and then she ended up texting back like hey we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to but I responded but I feel like I need to because I'm dating your son it was really awkward and she was like okay like we'll talk about it soon like see you soon and um it's been months since I have last seen her and she never texts me back so what do I do

Starting point is 00:42:54 I want to reach out and like rekindle our relationship because I'm literally planning on like having kids with this man and marrying this man and we live together and have lived together for like two years so please if you have any advice on how to reach out if I should reach out if i should not reach out what do i do thanks guys i love the podcast bye i don't know if you phrased this if you just misphrased something but did you actually ask permission from your boyfriend or did you just ask his comfortability level with you taking this job two very different things yeah because there's like your partner's comfortability and like like that's it goes both ways it's

Starting point is 00:43:43 totally valid like if you're uncomfortable with something your partner's doing like i think it is great for everyone to ask but like i think that there's also an extent to that like if your partner is not comfortable with like you being you hanging out alone with your ex like right okay i'm not really comfortable with that but then if there's like hey i'm not really comfortable about like your own body a ton like you and like if it's something that like you're passionate about you really care about and like you're totally cool with or if it's like one of those like but you actually work there but i would say like if it was one of those things like hypothetically if i became a porn star how would you feel like versus like a hey i'm gonna like

Starting point is 00:44:26 i'm giving you a heads up but i want to like see how comfortable you are i'm not totally tied to this idea i was just thinking about it but like there's a big difference between that and then like but also this is what makes this is like where the red flag fucking city popping up you freudian slipping saying you asked your boyfriend his permission and he gave his permission and then his mom found out and then he got mad at you right like what the like he was well aware of it so he's just mad because his mom found out because that's messed up well because then that's the kind of thing of like oh like like you're not a stripper but like this is like a very popular thing of like oh i'm fine with you're a stripper and i think it's hot

Starting point is 00:45:14 if you're a stripper but like nobody else can find out like so you're you want to reap all the benefits of dating someone where you think it's like this hot illicit thing that you get to date a sex worker but like nobody else can know because you actually don't value sex workers like that's incel shit yeah so i think you need to clear things up with him first and talk before you even worry about his mom because he doesn't respect you and he cares more about what his mom thinks about your profession even though he was well aware of it and that is not cool at all and i'm sure him being mad at you is part of the reason why she's not talking to you oh yeah because they're on it they're on a team now it's like them against

Starting point is 00:46:03 you and like who knows if he even ever told you i doubt he even told his mom like oh i knew like or i was okay with it or i was comfortable with it like and it's just such a fucking like i get that you really like this woman and like you've always really liked her but like she likes you conditionally and like she's always gonna choose her son always and anybody who like likes avert like a they i understand like being respectful around people who are older in like a certain way but like also truthfully like i didn't really i didn't grow up with grandparents like i don't like i swear in front of people like i'm not gonna be like super rude but if i like get to know like i swear in front of matz's parents like i'm from my parents and they make jokes

Starting point is 00:46:47 about it like they're like oh melissa with her mouth me and my middle sister megan like they talk about us and our bad mouths and then our other sister melanie she pretends to be the good one but then like says things and she's like i didn't say that i don't know where you're talking about that's so funny but that's like i think that like it's totally fine to like want to be respectful especially when it's like not your parents like yeah we're not gonna walk into like someone's home and just start like cussing and like what like whipping out a fucking tit but like the fucking room yeah but there's also like an extent of okay so then you have been she's going to take something that is like so minuscule like she knows you she's known you for

Starting point is 00:47:32 all of these years and she's going to like throw away a relationship on a job that you had yeah like that's like that's so sexist as like and like sex shamey and like slut shamey as fuck because it's like she's not even going off of like oh first impression my son's dating a girl who like works at a bar where they dress like strippers it's like no this girl that i've known and who i've loved for the last three years this is her job and now this changes the way that i see her as a person like i like do not go begging for forgiveness from her like do not do any of that stuff like fucking stand your ground be a fucking like empowered feminist like this was my choice and i was above and beyond and like your son was comfortable with it and fine with it and

Starting point is 00:48:17 like it's my body my choice if you decide to not like me then then fuck off like and also like the idea like oh well i like i want to have a good relationship with her because like i want like she'll be like grandmother and all that stuff do you want her being like and i'm not saying like you can have people who are in your family or marry into a family that you don't necessarily like you're not best friends you don't agree with everything but you need to be standing strong in your convictions with your husband his convictions are at word or is that a religious word yeah no but like in your choices with you and whoever your partner ends up being that how you raise your kids is not going to be fitting into the mold of what somebody else wants and also he is not on

Starting point is 00:48:56 your side right now so like is that somebody that you really see yourself being with somebody that chose his mom's emotions over your own conditional it's all fucking conditional love and that's not love at all like if it becomes like if you fit the mold or you do what i think you're going to do and if you do something that seems out of character for the character i've created for you then i am not here for that that's conditional love that's you are playing a part and you are playing a role and if you do not play it to their expectations no it's yeah you need to have a like a long sit-down conversation with your boyfriend i would also do some reflecting about your own internalized misogyny and like set like slut shaming stuff which like i think as like women

Starting point is 00:49:45 we have to like we all go through like i think back to some of the fucking shit that i said in high school like we used to call people sluts all the time and i'm like i still call people sluts but like in a way of endearing empowering it's reclaiming yes but like there's so much stuff of like or even like something uh i've like a tiktok hole that i've like gotten into recently is uh like the i forget what they call it but like there's just like the not like other girls sort of a thing and like the internalized misogyny of like oh it's not cool to like taylor swift it's not cool to like pumpkin spice lattes like basic bitches like don't be like this like don't like things that are mainstream and cool like don't be this like kind of girl like don't wear makeup

Starting point is 00:50:27 like ew like i'm not like that like that's internalized misogyny and like you can be like a bro girl like you can be like any of that kind of stuff that like and like what you like but as soon as you are liking something to spite what is popular or to spite like what other women like that's internalized misogyny right i hate this for you so i was friends with this uh girl who i know through um i don't want to get too much detail but i i basically know this girl and i've been friends with her for a while and we got really close like they're kind of close where like you share really personal information that sort of thing um well I started getting more uh information from like like who she is and like what types of stuff she follows um through one

Starting point is 00:51:27 of her social media accounts and uh turns out she's basically a closeted Trump supporter did not know that about her I am the literal polar opposite I hate him with like every fiber of my being and he completely offends me so I just I guess I'm asking for advice on a how to handle the fact that due to how I know this person I can't avoid them um but also like this is like the second person that I've gotten close to um who I've you know liked as like you know like a person in my life um and gotten really like gotten along well with and they've ended up being a Trump supporter and I just I I guess I'm asking for like how do I find these red flags like why am I not seeing them I'm I am so anti-Trump like I am so actively anti-Trump and I like I am all the thing

Starting point is 00:52:39 against him because he's so terrible and like as a woman like I just I I can't fathom anyone supporting him um like wholeheartedly and I just like how do I find these red flags because like I am really struggling um any advice you have would be great thank you I think in this time and day and age you just got to ask people straight up yeah I mean I definitely think there are things that you can look for um as somebody who does this a lot um she really does i oh i really do i do this every day i also do it before i respond to people like in dms like if you haven't posted anything about black lives matter on your grid and you want to like talk to me about like if you like lead in with a dm that

Starting point is 00:53:39 like i can i know where you stand and then like but you're trying to make it seem like well i totally like you know i just like have a question like just want to clarify and i'm like okay i can see from your profile that like you're not wearing a mask at all like you're with lots of people like you're partying in your stories uh you follow tommy lauren on instagram as well as uh every other social platform and you also follow trump and you also follow mitt romney okay cool um and then we've got like you know just like nothing on your stories uh and then i've also we've also got you know, QAnon shit on there too. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. So I know. So what I would say is like, truthfully, the first thing is look at who people are following. There is

Starting point is 00:54:22 something that blows my mind. And this is like a narrative that a lot of conservatives have. Oh, look at me. I said a lot. I didn't say all but stay mad in the comments. Go for it. Don't give of shit um that like i need to listen i'm going to be friends with people who are liberal because i want to hear both sides i want to hear both sides like i want to i want to be around all of that kind of stuff and i'm also not going to be a loud trump supporter but i'm going to like sit here quietly and be okay being friends with you because then when you find out that i'm a trump supporter and you're not okay being friends with me i'm going to turn that on you about how you are intolerant that's what it is it is just a mind game it is not because they actually care

Starting point is 00:55:03 about you it's not because they actually want to be friends with you it is truly if they're like a like fucking trump supporter not like oh my parents are and like i'm trying to figure out my own political views and like i don't really know and like i'm exploring and kind of understanding and i'm definitely gonna end up being a socialist in like two years versus the people who like are steadfast fucking alt-right republicans conservative trump supporters if they are becoming friends with it is purely just a fucking chess move so then they can flip the narrative like the narrative back on you about how you are intolerant and about how look i'm i'm okay with this like i thought the left was all about being tolerant and like i get that all the time when i

Starting point is 00:55:44 like called like i like when i call racist people out on twitter and i say i think you're late for the clan meeting becky and they're like i thought you're like like you're like liberals like you're bullying me and i'm like yes i am bullying you i never said i wasn't a fucking timeline like bitch fuck off like and you just want to do that because it's like oh well i thought you guys were all about blah blah blah blah blah and i'm like yeah okay fuck off like just just truly just fuck off but i think that the first thing i think you're right like ask people straight up but i think like after you ask them if you also don't believe them like fucking look on their socials look at who they're following look at the look at who they're following on look who they

Starting point is 00:56:26 like on facebook look at who they're retweeting things from like maybe it's like a local news station but that local news station or like a like a local news anchor or something but that local news anchor is only retweeting ben shapiro shit like and you know you can casually drop things in conversation like about immigration about them yeah about um climate change i think climate change is probably the easiest one to drop in yeah yeah yeah uh rights of women like there's just like subtle things that you can drop in the police oh yeah if you say a cab fucking you will be immediately it's like but my uncle you're like okay fuck you and your fucking uncle i don't give a shit like i truly don't and there is like if you this is something

Starting point is 00:57:27 that is important to you which is great it should be important to like everybody um i think that instead of being like i'm so vocal about this like and continue to be as vocal as you are but assume that not everybody is that like unless you are actively outwardly all the time like screaming from the top of the fucking rooftops fuck trump like fuck racism like fuck sexism like fuck homophobia fuck all of that shit if you are quietly any of those things you're not you're not doing enough and like the people that you should seek out to be friends with should be doing the same level that you are doing like it should be that same level of like loudness at like calling out all of that bullshit and if someone's not posting about that it's because they don't or

Starting point is 00:58:20 not posting about it someone's not posting that someone's not talking about it it's not something that like they're contributing to the conversation it's because they don't believe in that and they either don't believe in it because they're like oh well no i'm like liberal and stuff but like i just like don't like talking about politics it makes me uncomfortable like i have this is this and this i have like a i again i have a cop uncle so like i kind of i you know the what like but the but the sort of things then no like surround yourself with people who share your same beliefs and your same values to the same extent that you do and it sucks because we want to assume that everybody thinks that way but they don't and like unless they're loudly

Starting point is 00:58:55 doing that then they don't like no one feels that way quietly unless they like live in the middle of nowhere and they're by themselves and they don't have internet or twitter like you have those conversations in person with people like you go to like you protest like you go you you talk about that stuff you don't have to just be posting it online okay all right are you ready for don't blame them i am ready we have someone that is calling to share how to talk dirty about your past sex capades with your current boyfriend hi ladies so i am calling about the last episode where um the girl had her boyfriend asking to tell us about like previous sex partners and stuff so um my boyfriend actually likes the same thing and i used to be really uncomfortable with it too

Starting point is 00:59:50 but um how i figured out that like it was more comfortable for me is like i would kind of like do it like while we were having sex and like let's say like she was hitting it from the back i'd be like oh my gosh like i love when josh did it like that and he fucked me like so hard you know what i mean like kind of bring it up like that and kind of like make him excited um or just kind of be like oh like so and so did it like this and it felt so good like not exactly like oh one day like on a wednesday so and so day like this so that just kind of like made it easier for me and then um you know you kind of get more comfortable with it after doing it so many times so i think it's so great that like we're all into totally different things like sexually and all that stuff and i

Starting point is 01:00:41 think it's just like so wildly fascinating and awesome and like it's just like we're all so unique truly truly if monsters inside of me and mentioned a girl that he fucked so and so did r.i.p see i don't sorry to this man i've never done it and i think it would just add to the excitement of it because i'm like yeah you were with her but like you're in me right now and but i want to hear like i'd like i think i would like to hear about it i and in theory i would like to hear about it but i don't know if in actual practice if i would see if she was like some hot bitch and i was like okay tell me about that and then like but i've got you now see and that makes total total sense to me like i get why it could be a complete turn on totally like i fully

Starting point is 01:01:38 understand like what is hot about it i just like also i know i would not i would not enjoy it but that's also like you there's other things that you know like i like other people are like oh okay like you don't want to be called a slut for sure like yeah i don't think i would like to be called a slut exactly yeah but you're like i could see how someone would like it not my cup of tea and that's the great part about sexuality and like sex and all of that stuff like we can all be into whatever we're into and the more that we talk about that shit and the more that people like yeah we can normalize it and also like it makes it safer for everybody because like there's no shame and like what you're interested in and then also that like reclaiming that like it's not just

Starting point is 01:02:22 doing things that like oh doing things that you're uncomfortable with it's like oh the more i understand these things like doing things like how how can i make this something that i'm also into and how can my partner reciprocate that and do something that i'm into that they feel comfortable with and then like in turn and i also think like whatever you're doing sexually like the reason why you do it if it's not something you're originally into is because it turns your partner on which then in turn should turn you want like there needs to be this like mutual enjoyment of it to an extent that like maybe it's not like oh that like doesn't get me hard but like the fact that it gets you hard makes me like fucking i'm here for it yeah so i think that's

Starting point is 01:03:02 wildly interesting but i like can you imagine i just imagine like you don't like and i never do this everybody like ever but like imagine if you like never had the conversation before you're just someone who's listening to the podcast being like i want to try it on my partner and just says it no ever in every instance of these that we have had they always discuss it before have to have to it's like finger in the butt you can't just go for it consent everybody do a little scratching above we'll tickle above and be like do you like this would you be okay if i anything yep communication communication consent okay guys that is it for our episode thank you so much for listening if you want to call in for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976

Starting point is 01:03:54 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com if you want to listen ad free where can they listen melissa they can listen on stitcher premium get it get it get it get it get it get it get it get it get it follow us on socials twitter instagram you want to follow the podcast on socials hey check out the new podcast website that i redid it looks so good also i love my bio that i wrote i think it's the best thing i've ever written in my life it's honestly fantastic and i need to write my bio a new one because like it like you it's fantastic um and um yeah we'll see you guys next time Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts,

Starting point is 01:04:44 edited by Katrina Henning, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.

Don't Blame Me! - S6E17: My Friend Likes the Cheeto Man w/ Melisa D. Monts

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