Don't Blame Me! - S6E18: He Wants Me to Take a Polygraph w/ Melisa D. Monts

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, everybody, and welcome to Don't Blame Me. This is an advice podcast where we answer questions all about sex, relationships, dating, friends, family, mental health, and every little thing in between. We are not professionals at all. We're professionally boss bitches. love that or just professional bitches in my case oh 100 my case as well we're speaking up purely from our own experiences we are you know the uh the best friends who tell you how it is our advice is not sugar-coated sometimes it might be a little harsh but it all comes from a good place we're doing it out of love and to you know hopefully get you guys to not make decisions that we we would have liked to avoid in our earlier or current years. I'm Megan Rinks, and I am joined

Starting point is 00:01:01 by my co-host, the fantastic, the beautiful, the wonderful, amazing Melissa DeMonts. Hello. What up? How's your week been? My week? You know, it's been... It's Sunday, so you've only had 11 hours at this point. Oh, see, I'm not one of those people. My week starts on Monday. my week starts on monday i can't with like the sunday it's just too weird you know my week has been um a whirlwind was this the week that i got into it with the the racists online on the boomers yes yes wow this has been a while it was this week for me it was last week okay yes because we're on we're on different time zones we're on different planes oh we should include that in the show notes if anyone can sign the change.org position uh petition for my old high school

Starting point is 00:01:56 we're trying to change the name uh everything was going smoothly like the name was being changed and then a group of uh racist old boomers if you'd like to be mad that i use that term stay mad um they decided to oppose it and you know uh sue so sue oh they're suing the school district because the school district like they found some loophole in which for some fucking reason i'm like can someone rewrite this that for some fucking reason in order for like my old high school public school to change its name it like needs to get community input or alumni input like it has to be a and that's the thing that doesn't make any sense because i'm like can you actually go to court for like over input like what does input mean because they did ask

Starting point is 00:02:46 for suggestions on the name, but the whole thing has been absolutely wild. I infiltrated a Facebook group, uh, that was like, you know, keep the name. And I was very polite in there. Uh, so polite that even though once I got kicked out, because I was just bringing up racial points and how we should, uh, you know, potentially look at this from not this, uh, Oh, I went to high school. I graduated high school in the seventies and it was so experienced. It was so wonderful. and nobody this was like they've done nothing in their lives since the 70s no oh no no no nothing because they have straight up most of them i was talking to a couple of friends from high school i was like most of them also like went to college we have a college of marin they went to college

Starting point is 00:03:31 of marin and then like landed somewhere around there i'm like oh so you like actually have never left but i have also heard that a lot of these people were like also awful in high school like they were just the people that you would expect but one argument that someone made about how uh there is not any racism at uh the school and they said there was no racism when they were there because ready there were no black students yep that's what i was gonna say and i was like you know you know you you know black people existed though right like so you know that like that in itself is is racist right like it's was mind-blowing um so got into it with them if you would like to see i have a highlight on my instagram it's called commie slut uh because

Starting point is 00:04:18 that was what i was referred to uh and you know within two sentences i was referred to they were saying uh stupid commie slut infiltrating our group like she's not a real actress like in my professional opinion like she's just like she's still in the phase where she's sucking uh producers she's sucking dicks and fucking producers and cami uh texted me after that and she goes wait so like are we supposed to like stop that like when does that phase end for us and i was like oh my god i'm dying but um yeah it was it's a whirlwind but they also called me polite which you know you know so that's been the whole thing did the whole uh zoom with the school district it was just a lot if you would like to call to leave us a voicemail to be on an upcoming episode

Starting point is 00:05:06 you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com please make sure you are over 18 years old before you call or you have your parents permission and we really would love and actually not even love we require you to keep your voicemail under three minutes long in our ideal world you are all virgos who write down what you want to say and then read it out loud on the voicemail i promise you it will make it so much more cohesive and so much more clear and if you you know are a listener which you're listening right now you can always tell you know you can always tell who's reading it and it's concise you realize like what's important what's not important and it just

Starting point is 00:05:49 chef's kiss chef's kiss okay guys so before we get into the first call we have an update and uh she's here right now and so this is from season six episode 10 and this one was we had a lot of questions about it so caller please take it away so it basically was just my fiance's stepmom is insane and she basically is like threatened or like said that i'm hacking all her things and like reading her text messages and just making it miserable for me and then also tried to kill her husband who had cancer and was dying so i don't know if his dad is kind of in denial about all this and like it has cancer and it's kind of just like i just want to die without having to worry about all this or what exactly his thought process is because for the poisoning thing she was

Starting point is 00:06:52 like gonna slowly do it with stuff like because he had to take so many meds and all this stuff so that she was i don't know exactly what how it all went down because i was kind of learning it second hand but i do know that she told her like one of her best friends um that she was poisoning him and then her husband's in law enforcement so that's kind of how that went but like why is she still around but so I guess there wasn't enough evidence when she actually got in trouble and she tried to say she didn't say it and then his dad said like like just blew it completely off the table like my fiance went to him and talked to him and actually was the one that told him first of all because the best friend was like you need to tell her dad or your dad um so he went and

Starting point is 00:07:41 talked to him and he was like I just don't think that's true but but then he was like well I have been dumping out like everything she's given me to eat and been making new stuff so he was suspicious yeah yeah so she he was like well he is she's trying to kill you so and he was like well I'll just talk to her about it like it was just a normal sit down that they were just going to get to have wait so question is she in the will um so they've had like meetings about i know that he owns like properties and businesses that she is hurt she's not on at all um so i don't know about like their house and stuff like that because i know that she she like won a huge lawsuit but anyway so she kind of is like pays everything and does everything so i think that's another reason

Starting point is 00:08:28 he's kind of just like go with the flow and doesn't really want to like mess that up because they do still have two kids in the home so yeah like um so i think that's on that so she has a lot of money so she's not after him for his money right but she might be after getting killing him so she doesn't have to like pay for any of his like his stuff because that is expensive because you know yeah because america yeah going through radiation and everything like that right now so does she is they have kids together like by like oh how old are they young his dad has three boys like that are full brothers with my fiance and then two boys together that are 14 and 16 that also checks out then too like to not like to kind of like brush it under the rug which i

Starting point is 00:09:22 mean is not you know as a child of parents who are very much like brush it under the rug it's not like the it's not the right choice to do but like a lot of the times parents think like protecting your kid from that they can protect their kids from like certain people or certain things if they just don't tell them which definitely like sounds like what is going on so do you guys are you do you and your boyfriend your fiance like do you guys still like see her or do like when you see his dad like do you keep it pretty separate or like what's it like seeing her now yeah so basically what happened with the whole because she said that I was hacking her phone and that kind of thing and was like reading her text messages and sending them to um his mom and

Starting point is 00:10:09 stepdad I don't know why but I would have like there's no correlation there but um so basically we just talked to her his dad about it and on the phone and then one day he had some or like a week he was off work so we went up there and she was just like I just really need to talk to you guys I really just I have to talk like as soon as we walked in the door we hadn't even seen anybody but she was just like I just have to talk to you I have to talk to you guys and she was like this is just all getting miscommunicated like I never um think bad about you or would do anything with like like would never accuse you of anything but me and my fiance had already talked like I was just gonna be like okay you know like that's fine so I just went in and I was like that's okay like

Starting point is 00:10:59 I understand and it was long and drawn out because she can make the longest conversations ever um it was probably like an hour but and then after that we just went hung out with his dad and kind of like she kind of they kind of they don't even like really it's a really big house so they really don't they don't sleep together spend time together anything it's kind of like they their own thoughts of the house that they hang out in so we just hung out with his dad after that and didn't really talk about I mean he kind of talked about it and was just like I'm sorry this happened and we were like that's okay and after that we haven't talked about it since so and like the stepmom actually funny enough me and my fiance met like totally separate didn't even know that

Starting point is 00:11:45 we had any connection of anybody but the stepmom actually went to high school with my dad in the same town so then after he realized who that was he was just like be careful like I don't want to get into it too much I haven't seen her since high school but you just need to be careful and i was like okay dad like she's been messy her whole life yeah that yeah wow that makes me want to like look back like look and see where all the messy people from my high school are now i'm like what are you doing are you like trying to poison people like where are you at wow that's wild absolutely wild are you're like is are you kind of more resigned from it now like that conversation like do you kind of just feel like fuck it who cares what she says let's go i really am because

Starting point is 00:12:30 like this is the first like big thing we've had but there's always just been little stuff that's just came up and I've just been like whatever because there's honestly like and from the stories he's told me of like his whole life because they they got married when he was like five so the stories of his whole life it's it's been like that too so it's like I don't want to come in here and try to you know like stand my ground and just make it worse when I can just blow it off and be like that doesn't even matter are you nervous not to like you know put those fears in your head but like do you think that like she's gonna be fucking eventually when you guys get married like do you think she's gonna like be fucking wild or like do something weird

Starting point is 00:13:09 or is she kind of more of like a behind the scenes string puller not so much like a causing a scene she is definitely like behind the scenes like she is just talking about somebody talking about this person to this person and then to that person to the other person like every single problem that has happened has pretty much been because she's talked crap on both of the same people to each other fucking rookie mistake but she likes to be messy i don't think it's rookie because she's been doing this her whole life like she knows what she's doing but she just likes to pit people against each other as soon as like there's calm in the family or anything's calm like it lasts for like maybe a month and then it's right back to do you know what her sign is i do not because

Starting point is 00:13:57 that sounds fiery as fuck to me yeah minus the conference like she's not it's not being like super uh not confrontational but like doing the behind the scenes she needs to be on a reality show like or a producer like oh the reason she said that she cheated and had the boyfriend and tried to poison her husband was because she was on um i don't remember what antidepressant but that's what she said is the reason why okay okay for sure so like she admitted to doing it but it was because of medication yeah i sure jan yeah yeah literally the definition of sure jan good and also if she wants to like claim psychosis like man there's a it's gonna be a lot more than like a slow premeditated plant like i watch criminal minds come on well amazing thank you

Starting point is 00:14:55 so much for giving us this update that was like everything i ever wanted and more um please keep us updated if she like you know tries to poison again at any point um and i am just literally obsessed like yeah i will definitely keep you updated because there's definitely going to be more i can't wait i cannot wait well thank you so much and uh we're gonna get into our episode guys hi megan and melissa i am 23 i am a cancer gross i know um my boyfriend is a sagittarius we're in a pretty new relationship we've only been together for four months um so everything's been pretty good so far but there is one issue that i have um so i'll give you some background he works really long shifts like 11 12 hours um so usually when we hang out it's him getting off

Starting point is 00:15:56 of work at 11 midnight coming over we watch a movie or something and go to sleep which i understand because of his work schedule um he does get two days off during the week and so my issue is that in the four months we've been dating um we've probably hung out during the day like when the sun is out like maybe four times um we've probably gone on like two quote-unquote dates and I don't really bother me at first but I've kind of been thinking about it and on his days off I try to make plans with him but he's usually got something else going on um and it usually involves him hanging out with another girl he has a lot of friends that are girls and that's something that I knew from the beginning and it didn't really bother me because I trust him um like for example

Starting point is 00:16:54 the other night he went and smoked with this girl and they kind of just got outside and like watched the sunset for like four hours and it kind of just honestly made me like jealous that he's making those plans types of plans with other girls but when I try to make plans like that with him he's always busy um and I like every time he has a day off he's doing something like that um another example he went and got like coffee and sat in a park with a girl for like an entire afternoon um and I've brought it up to him and he always says that he's going to make more effort to hang out with me during the day but he never really does and I don't know how else to bring it up to him or what else to say or if I'm just being crazy so any advice would

Starting point is 00:17:46 be appreciated thank you i love you guys bye i was doing some math calculator math so he is he's got two weeks off um this is really simple math so nobody will let me if you're using a calculator so he's got two days off a month and you know four weeks in a year so uh i mean four weeks in a year four weeks in a month like what year are you i mean we're on different days of the week so okay so that's you know eight days a month you know times four you know the four months that's 32 minus four of the times you've hung out with him so it's 28 other times i think i mean i i feel i would feel some type of way about this but i also would feel conflicted because four months is pretty early on i don't know if you guys have like established that i

Starting point is 00:18:51 don't know because like the first couple of times like did you hang out four times in one month and like she's also saying every night he comes over and hangs out with her after work yeah i mean i think this is a quality time like a difference in like opinion of what quality time is issue but i am curious if like it kind of felt like it set the precedent that you guys were like the two days off a week was at the very beginning before you were like officially boyfriend and before all of this happened and you guys were like you know that early stages of dating and so like he's not spending do you mean like it was like before he was spent you guys were hanging out during the days before he was spending the night but now that you guys are dating he's

Starting point is 00:19:29 now instead just coming over after work and spending the night i'm i would like to know i would it would be helpful to know the split of that like if or do you know what i mean because like hanging out during the day i'm like do you expect him to spend every hour with you that he's not working because he is with you every night so like if you're if you're gonna like he can't you can't just be the only person that he's friends with so yeah so it's like if you take like if you're gonna hang out during the day that means like he should get a night to go somewhere else with somebody else well not really go it seems like he's doing outdoor hangs yeah i'm guessing i mean i i understand because like definitely there's been like times with like

Starting point is 00:20:19 moths and i dating where it's and i wonder if it's similar for you like this that like it's it's it's again just a quality time difference so like for me i'm like if we're sitting at home we live together so it is a little bit different it's not like he's coming over here to hang out with me but i was like we're both just here and then like when you hang out with your friends and you do stuff and this is again pre like pre-covid like there are more plans that go into it like and it's just something more like as opposed to like him and i just sitting on the couch doing really nothing uh it was like oh him and his friends would like plan to go do something like this and i was like i just wanted like let's just do that with us every so often because that

Starting point is 00:20:56 to me is more quality time or even like planning a date at home that we're like not going to be on our phones and like i'm guilty of being on my phone all the fucking time uh but in a way that it feels more like a date no never i'm playing i'm playing my um uh what's it called i have a jigsaw puzzle game and then i'm on tiktok and that's it nothing in between no never trying to text instagram yeah oh i'm on instagram too um but uh i think that i would have a conversation with like him about that but i also i i also i think it's a little different because you guys don't live together like i get if you would like like maybe it's like once a month you guys have your hangout you know i mean like you have like a day sort of thing and you do that or like a

Starting point is 00:21:49 group thing where you all like hang out with like outside outside no oh out fucking side you do like a picnic yeah yeah because he said he's going he's going to like the park and having coffee or like sitting outside and smoking i'm hoping he's not sharing what he's smoking oh god that scared me i hope not um but that would be like a way that you guys can both do it because you're right like it is it also could just be a difference in like you might be someone who when you date someone you hang out all the time and you want to hang out all the time and like that's there are people like that they're like everybody has a match in that sort of way um but he might just not you know be that and like he wants to have his friends and be able to like talk to them and

Starting point is 00:22:40 like hang out with them as well but i would also reflect on would you feel differently if they weren't girls like is it like a because like you can feel jealous of any do you mean like i you can feel jealous of anyone in any situation like if your boyfriend's hanging out with whoever it is but like is it specifically girls that made you feel like oh i should be like i'm this is more of like a jealousy thing versus or it's not even a jealousy this is more of like a worry thing versus like i'm jealous that i'm not spending time with him during the day and doing that stuff but also like what does he say when you try and plan it and he already has plans like how far in advance are you asking and like are you telling him like hey i would really love

Starting point is 00:23:31 to spend some time with you like on a date during the day like what does he say to that because if he's like i'd rather not then i'd be like okay well i'd rather not be in this relationship thank you yeah like his response to this i think is really important because it could go one of two ways it could be what we're saying if it's just you know it's a healthy balance of everything or it's like yeah he doesn't fucking want to hang out and that's a problem hi megan melissa and anybody else who's listening i am calling hoping to get an honest opinion on whether i am being unreasonable with my boyfriend. We're both 27. We've been together for five years. And we've been long distance for four and a half of those years because his job requires him to be out of

Starting point is 00:24:19 state. He needs experience that he can only get in certain places. And I can't follow him or move with him. I have a study job where we live and family to take care of here. So me moving around with him has not been an option. So we've just made it work long distance. Lately, because of the coronavirus, things have been kind of up in the air. And he had promised me at the beginning of this past year, so the beginning of 2020, that he would for sure be home permanently by December slash January of 2021. But then the virus happened and he didn't get the experience that he needed, couldn't get the experience that he needed. So now he's considering going back from January to May of 2021. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable by asking him not to do that.

Starting point is 00:25:21 I know that, you know, he made the promise not knowing obviously what would happen with coronavirus, but I feel like I've put in my time, you know, being supportive of him needing this experience. And there's also no guarantee with the virus that he'll be able to get it then anyway. So I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable. He's really confident that he's going to get the experience and the money that he needs to start our life together. We talk about that all the time. We talk about how much fun we would have being married and raising kids. And we agree on all of those fundamentals. We want the same things, but my timeline just looks a little bit different than his. And I'm naturally an impatient person

Starting point is 00:26:13 to begin with. So ultimately, I just want to hear somebody else's thoughts and feelings. It has been a long road and I would hate to give up on a good guy. But I also would hate to be waiting around forever. But also bonus points, Megan, if you can guess my astrological sign. And I promise I will call back and tell you if you were right. challenge it was already trying are you gonna accept her challenge i'm going to i was already trying to guess um you know a part of me wants to say aries but there's also a part that kind of wants to say leo but i'm i'm leaning towards fire sign i'm very much leaning towards

Starting point is 00:27:12 that you don't you sound pretty decisive so i'm not gonna go with and i'm going based on stereotype i'm not gonna go uh you know to uh the taurus because tauruses tend to be a little more indecisive but you know it sounds like you need attention um which is valid so i'm i'm gonna hold off on remind me at the end and i i will make my final guess but right now i'm leaning towards uh i'm leaning towards a fire sign so either you know maybe maybe a sadge but sadges tend to be a little bit more unpredictable and a little wild so i'll come back to it um i this might be like a surprise the bit that i'm saying this but i also i kind of think like You've been long distance for four and a half years. What's four more months?

Starting point is 00:28:07 Yeah. But also, you can't hold people to things that they said pre-COVID. And in addition to that, come January, I don't think that we're going to be any closer to not being quarantined just because of the way that the country is going. so i still think this is going to get pushed again yeah and i don't think he's going to be able to get the whatever experience he needs for whatever job this is but i also wonder if that is going to i mean i guess depending on what it is like what specifically the job to say what what what we can really think because we don't know what the job is yeah but i would also assume like there are some things that like yeah you fully need hands-on advice i mean advice uh hands-on experience like medical residency but also he would be working more like that's like they're

Starting point is 00:29:06 taking all of those students um and like dental and all that kind of stuff like all of those things that he wouldn't have had to come he sounds like he's back with you right now and he's gonna then have to leave again right that's what it sounds like and so it's hard for me to think of something that is like he's not going to get experience and like it needs to be hands-on because like it meaning in january i would assume if he can't go back i don't know what job it would be that wouldn't then alter how they do things to then make it possible do you mean but maybe it's like he can stay doing what he's currently doing but to do the next step to advance because she said to get more money he needs whatever that experience is and he's not able to get that

Starting point is 00:29:53 experience because of covet yeah i mean i think like again it's really hard to like you said it's really hard to know because we don't know what it is but like if he doesn't go back then what does he do like is it like he probably stays in the same position instead of advancing getting the skills he needs to advance but would he need to get a new job like would he have to like would this have to be like okay he put like all however much however long of the time even long distance that he put into this like is that all for nothing like is he invested money into it is it like oh he didn't like is it a certain number of hours he needs and if he doesn't reach those hours and then like it doesn't apply to anything else and like what do you think it's

Starting point is 00:30:43 like taking it's like going to law school and all of that stuff and then never you know what I mean like people do that all the time but like the money that you invest like like something that would cost money to invest in it and then because then it's like well are you going to be able to financially provide in a way and like is that I I just personally I just don't think with what we no i don't think it's fair to say like no you can't go because i'm also like you know being thinking of like in the extremities of being like okay well then so then he doesn't have a job and he has to find a different job and he wasted all this time doing all of this and then we're in the middle of a pandemic and then what like then he's home let's say he doesn't even have like

Starting point is 00:31:28 then there's all of his other additional responsibility on you to be able to provide and then also if it sounds like work is something that's important to him then like where is he going to get that source of like fulfillment and like happy like what how is that going to work long term because you've been apart before and it's not an it's not an additional year it's an additional like four months um and i think yeah i just think that like it if it's something though that like you know you said it's not a guarantee so i yeah there are some things that like it would be oh you know what actually this would also change my advice if it's this um what are they called uh banks i'm trying to remember

Starting point is 00:32:19 exactly no i'm just trying to remember exactly it's like a big job that um maybe it is banking i should ask mott's a lot of his friends work in banking but i know this from like people that i know from northern california like family friends friends of family friends all of that stuff um about uh and it's kind of similar to like agencies or whatever where you work at like fucking minimum wage like you're making twenty eight thousand dollars a year absolutely nothing you're working all of these crazy long hours and you have to put all of this work in and then at the end of once you've clocked these hours or however long the year is then people you then like then you get the job to work at like whatever i think this was i think the one i'm thinking of

Starting point is 00:33:00 is a bank and then you immediately go from like 28 000 a year to like 175 yeah and then it just keeps growing from there but you put in all of that work and all of those hours and essentially it's like hazing and it's like i think agencies it's a lot longer but um it would restart if you went to a different bank and it would restart the same way if you worked at a different agency like it would have to kind of restart there and truthfully yeah it isn't totally guaranteed that that would happen but like the difference with uh like the banking program that i know that someone did it's a time limit like it's a specific time but then something like an agency that same time comes around every year where people either get promoted or they don't. And it kind of is

Starting point is 00:33:44 indefinite. Like it isn't guaranteed that that will happen. But I think that regardless of that, I definitely could see myself personally being frustrated with that. But it also has to factor in like your partner's happiness and like what is this their dream like do you like how much like how if this is so important to them which i would assume anyone who does it like that requires putting in all of those hours and all of that stuff it's usually because it's like a massive passion and then if you take that away not that this is how it like i think it should be but it does kind of like put that response like now he doesn't have this thing that brings him joy happiness and money. And now that's your job. And that's so much pressure to put on yourself.

Starting point is 00:34:36 You know, love isn't always enough. It also has to be like life compatibility. Okay, guys, we are back from our break. And let's get into the rest of our call. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm 20 years old, going into my sophomore year of college, and I'm a Leo. I'm in a bit of a pickle right now because one of my best friends from high school, who we've reconnected over this past summer, is she has dated this past guy who I'm actually still friends with. So I've been kind of juggling these two friendships at the same time. Not to mention they had dated about two years ago for about almost a year. um and broke up about a year ago so it's been kind of um a really messed up situation

Starting point is 00:35:37 because um basically I have become interested in this guy he showed an interest in me and I had kind of tried to make sure that I didn't have any feelings for him because I didn't want to mess with my friendship with this girl um but he showed an interest and now we've opened up these weird feelings for each other and he asked me whether or not I'd be interested in like a friend with benefits kind of situation. And not knowing really what to do at all, I decided to reach out to my friend and ask her because I'm a really honest person. I'm a really honest communicator. She's a Taurus, by the way. He's a Pisces, if that matters at all. And basically, I just wanted to have open communication with her and talk through it because I didn't want to hurt our friendship.

Starting point is 00:36:22 And so I laid it all out on the line and she gave me the green light to go. But and then she started to kind of flip that story and get a little bit angry at me later with other friends kind of reaching out and getting a little bit angry. And where it stands now is essentially I have realized I have feelings for this guy and he has feelings for me, but I still don't want to mess up my friendship with this girl. So my consciousness is telling me not to go for it, but my feelings are involved. And so it's making it really hard to kind of decide what to do here. if I should definitely not date him

Starting point is 00:36:58 because I don't want to mess with my friendship with her or if it's really too far at this point and I've already messed with my friendship with her, if I should just explore this because I do have feelings. So any help would be really appreciated. Please, I need to get out of this pickle. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:37:16 Okay, can we just start without even like putting your friend in the situation for a second? Because you said that you have feelings for him. He has feelings for you. but all he wants is friends with benefits it's already not going to work out because you you said you've admitted that you have feelings and you can't just be friends with benefits at this point and you're already friends like it's not going to work well because that specifically i

Starting point is 00:37:40 was that that stuck out to me because that's one of two things either he doesn't like you that much he just likes you as a friend and like wants to fuck and wants a bone or it's manipulative as fuck and is being like well here's a way that we won't be dating so then therefore it won't hurt my ex as much and then I can like essentially eventually convince you to date me from being friends with benefits it's just yeah it's it's just manipulative uh if it's that option um i know this is like here's the thing you said that they broke up they did it for a year they broke up a long time a long time and they broke up a year ago and you said that you stayed friends with both of them and it was like a thing like it was a thing that you stayed friends with

Starting point is 00:38:37 them and it was not good like it was like hard like it wasn't you didn't so like it's just the reason why your friend said it was cool i know i'm always like in the camp of like take like listen to what people say and take what they say at face value but you shouldn't have asked her because what else is she supposed to say yeah because it's gonna start with yeah sure that's fine but then she thinks about it for a second and she's like no actually it's not fine like well this isn't cool and i would i know if it were me and like if during their breakup like if i broke up with someone and like you like a friend stayed friends with one of my exes there was definitely conversations about like that that wasn't uncomfortable or how like i

Starting point is 00:39:29 had to become comfortable with it or like it was a thing like there's something there that like is we have it's discussed and it's like and part of that discussion is a reassurance that like we're just friends and then having it be like oh actually and it's like oh did you stay friends did you console me during my breakup and then stay friends with my ex because you like wanted to date him and like did the whole thing in itself like i know if i had a friend ask me that i would be so i would be so hurt that it wasn't even a question because if you're putting that on her of being like if you say no I won't but like we've already talked about these feelings that we have for each other essentially and like but if you if you're not comfortable then it makes

Starting point is 00:40:12 her be the bad guy when like of course the immediate reaction is like wow I'm so hurt like sure that's like that's just such an uncomfortable place to put her in and I I just yeah I think this so recent of a breakup for a relatively long time that they were dating especially considering like the age that you guys are and that it wasn't like it's not like he's in the friend group with her it's not like they're it doesn't sound like she's the one that broke up with him and is like fine with and it's like yeah but it's it it's not gonna work because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you he just wants to fuck you and i think you might have ruined two relationships now yeah there uh yeah there's just i've said it before i don't understand and maybe you guys

Starting point is 00:41:14 aren't as close as like i'm was hearing this uh but i just i don't i can't especially something so recent like my friends the people that they date like even when i was single like all became you know penisless non-sexual beings like yeah and i can imagine that betrayal of like feeling you know it does bring into question all of that stuff of like what what was everyone's intentions during this relation like when she was with him and then it brings in like were you there like consoling her when they were breaking up and talking bad about him with her and stuff like that but and also uh the same way to him though was she consoling him when they broke up and talking bad about her like true it just opens

Starting point is 00:42:12 up like this whole confusing sort of thing and you can't have everything like there are some times where like it's it's a it ends the friendship or it ends the relationship should we go on to the next one hello megan melissa and potential guests um i'm needing some advice on how to handle a situation with my fiance. We've been together for three years and just the other, well, I guess it's been about three weeks now. He's been having symptoms of what I thought was a UTI, but I guess it's not. He went to get tested for an STD and for a UTI or whatever. His results have come back that he doesn't have a UTI. Um, so his other results haven't come back yet, but he's pretty much certain that it's going to be an STD. Um, I have not been with anybody else in three

Starting point is 00:43:16 years. Um, he's first, he hasn't either. And I definitely believe it by the way he is acting towards me, um, being accusatory that I've done something telling me that, um, I'm going to take a polygraph test, if it comes back positive for an STD. And I've done a lot of research and I have seen where if you've had an STD before, it could be lying dormant in your body and come back. I did have chlamydia before. My ex-boyfriend gave it to me about four years ago and we went to get treatment, but we never went to get back. We never went back to get retested. So is this a possibility that it could have came back and I could have now infected him? I had an ectopic pregnancy about two years ago. And I, through my research, discovered that if you have pelvic

Starting point is 00:44:11 inflammatory disease or you do have an STD, that that could happen. So I'm obviously going to get test as well go to the doctor and everything but as far as reassuring my fiance that i haven't done anything um and you know getting through this difficult time what advice do you have for me um because i don't want to take a toll on our relationship i don't want there to be any trust issues um even though there is now and i just don't know what to do um i think taking a polygraph test is crazy and i have anxiety so i do worry about failing that even though i'm not guilty and haven't done anything wrong so i don't know i just the only thing i can figure is that um he i gave it to him but because he did get tested two months after we were together though and he

Starting point is 00:45:05 was negative for std so how could he have been negative after we slept together and then gotten it three years later and be positive i just don't know um so any advice would be appreciated thank you so much okay first of all if you get an std test and you test positive you should always always always always always always go get retested and if you haven't been retested in three years and that's a problem um because like you said it could be dormant or it could be where the fact where you don't have symptoms and you're just actively giving it to him and he's giving it back and you're you're asymptomatic um but then on top of that he doesn't trust you and he seems like i'm trying to put myself like in his position if like i know that i haven't slept with anybody

Starting point is 00:45:59 like for fact and then i have an std then yeah i would be pointing fingers too but like i wouldn't be saying like you need to get a polygraph test because first of all those are inaccurate as fuck you can also there's also easy ways to cheat the test um but like attacking your trust huh what'd you say attack in your shoe yeah that's how you do it yeah and um like a lot this is just a mess before like you called us you should have waited for his test results to get back and you should have been tested as well um but still the fact that he's sitting here and pointing fingers and being mad about shit i completely understand but there were a lot of missteps before he even got there yeah i'm on planned parenthood's website

Starting point is 00:46:56 right now to learn a bit more about chlamydia so it's cured by antibiotics but uh you need to get tested again negative to make sure that it's gone um and the only way chlamydia would stay in your body after you started treatment was if you didn't take all the prescribed pills and that's why important even if the symptoms go away both you and your partner needs to be treated for chlamydia before you have sex again or you could get reinfected but that was your ex oh maybe but they could have had sex again that's what i was yeah okay so i think yes that could totally be possible i am a little bit i would be curious if you got tested um for chlamydia because of your ex-boyfriend because you had symptoms or because he did so like did you have no symptoms and then

Starting point is 00:47:51 get tested because then i think it is probably likely that either it and it didn't go away because it's saying the only way that it wouldn't have gone away unless you're going to go on to like you know uh uh essential oil uh websites um that it wouldn't it didn't fully go away if you didn't take all of the prescribed both of you didn't take all the prescribed antibiotics and uh but it's saying if you took all the antibiotics it should have gone away but if you had it again yeah but i mean you if you have an antibiotic resistant this would it would only that to me would make i mean obviously not a doctor that would make sense if she had no symptoms but if you have if you have symptoms and then you take antibiotics and your body is resistant to those

Starting point is 00:48:39 antibiotics it's usually gonna get from every like antibiotic issue i've had i had what did i had something in uh in high school I had an antibiotic resistant um some some sort of infection um and it and it got so much fucking worse like just because like my body was resistant to said antibiotics so if you have no if you had no symptoms then I think it's totally possible that you could have had no symptoms now but did you also not get tested again when your boyfriend got to tested two months into your relationship right she says she hasn't been tested again his response to this i know that you said his response makes you feel like he didn't cheat on you his response makes me feel like he cheated on you yeah he is gaslighting the absolute shit out

Starting point is 00:49:37 of you like the absolute the the like the polygraph all of that stuff like that's when people are guilty of something the biggest way to tell they they tell you what you're doing and you know it's called projecting as my therapist says um and as she also has said that it's one of those like things that seems seemingly innocuous but is like a really massive massive red flag for uh i think she said i think it's a like stunted emotional development or maybe that's not the official term or something but someone who um is essentially reacting to something like mimicking and mirroring like uh someone else does um but the the projecting of that is that's usually like yeah in cases like this he's telling you what he did he's saying you cheated

Starting point is 00:50:31 on me which is him saying i cheated on you and then like when you go test positive if you test positive then he'll be like see I knew it was you when it could have totally still been him and then he transferred it to you and here's the other part ah you are taking on a lot of the assumption that this is you what if it's herpes do you what i mean like what if it's not even chlamydia at all and that's like just the fact that he's flipped this on you so fast of that when someone calls you out for something that seems like absolutely preposterous it's because they've they've done it like you you're like why why I haven't cheated on you like that's that's like why would you say that that's crazy but like

Starting point is 00:51:29 you would think most commonly a partner gets an STD they find out first the other partner accuses them of cheating versus him getting an STD and then immediately turning it on to you before you could accuse it seems to me like he accused you of cheating before you could accuse him so here's my thing i think you guys need to go to the doctor together sit down and have stds explained to you in detail because neither one of you are acting in a responsible way and then after you both get your results then you probably need to go to couples counseling because the trust has been broken neither of you trust each other and well i'm guessing you still trust him but he sure as hell doesn't trust you and evaluate if this is a relationship that you need

Starting point is 00:52:24 to be in you have please call us back with an update time for don't blame them so this is from season 6 episode 14 where the original caller had said that she wants to work in politics but because of her diagnosis of diabetes then she needs to have good insurance so she's studying to be a nurse and so uh this is somebody calling with their own advice this is in regard to the girl who she currently works in a political office and she's interested in social media however she is considering a career in nursing and i just thought i could relate to this because i mean unlike her i don't have my bachelor's in political science or something in that range but i just studied political science for a year and i'm very interested in it

Starting point is 00:53:15 but um i just realized my true passion was nursing and while nursing is a more stable job everyone assumes that nursing is just working at the bedside and working in a hospital all day every day but that's not true and if she's looking for really great benefits and where i think that she can use her other degree in is public health so public health nurses basically to go out into the community. And especially with her human and family development degree that she got, I think that would really benefit her. And most of the public health departments, they work Monday to Friday, nine to five, and they have state benefits because it's actually a state job. So that would get great insurance. So I just want to encourage her that, you know, although it's not her passion,

Starting point is 00:54:03 she can definitely find a way to make it passionate for her. She can also get into policy making, which if you study at the bsn you will take a policy development class and kind of learn that that's to see if you're interested in that as well and yeah that's just my advice dude go for it if you want to go for it go for it if you don't it's totally fine just do what makes you happy but just know that if you are going to be a nurse you don't have to be stuck in the hospital all day all right that's it bye i mean do what makes you happy but also like insulin yeah but if she's getting like a government job then she'd have great insurance no i think that's uh a great public health is definitely one of the words i was looking for on that call super helpful great

Starting point is 00:54:49 thank you loves it thank you very much and that's it for this episode if you guys want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail dot com if you want to listen ad free check us out over on Stitcher if you would like

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Starting point is 00:55:31 Apple podcast fuck apple i'm always being like is this the right no leave us one on uh apple podcast app we would love uh a nice five star review makes us feel good and great um i almost went james charles and said fine and fresh fine and fresh whatever what is it don't watch them so no clue our facebook group is still closed we are not currently accepting new members um and you have to listen to the ends of the episode to know when we are going to be accepting new members so uh yeah that's you're just not going to be allowed in we'll let you know when you will be and anything else that's it that's it guys oh follow us on twitter and instagram the podcast

Starting point is 00:56:20 but also follow our own individuals we would be very into if you followed and um we will see you guys next time goodbye goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso

Don't Blame Me! - S6E18: He Wants Me to Take a Polygraph w/ Melisa D. Monts

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