Don't Blame Me! - S6E19: Long-Lost Brother w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: stepbrother stealing panties Friend getting engaged Getting over a guy Not being supported by a friend Don't Blame Them: friend sharing biphobic posts   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme     Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Don't Blame Me. We are an advice podcast where we give you all the advice on sex, relationships, friendships, family. We tell you to go to therapy, all of the things that happen in life. And, you know, honestly, preferably the crazier in the wilder the better we are not experts by any means we are actually experts in i'm an expert at being a hot mess i was gonna say expert in cuntiness oh that is also very true we are professional cunts cunts for hire i truly wish i could be a bitch for

we see each other yes yes yes yes yes sorry guys inside we're having a moment hopefully you guys will find out why in like a few years yes yes uh playing the long game here um we are not experts at anything except professional cuntiness uh so please take all of our advice with a grain of all it's just our opinion we're the um the bitchy the the the the asshole kind of very honest not sugarcoating friends sisters that you always needed and i am your uh one of your hosts megan ranks joined by my co-host and producer melissa de monts hello so what's new with you let's catch um nothing really's changed this week for me personally but this is the first episode that we're recording after a legend icon has passed um and she we're of course talking about

ruth bader ginsburg um and i just want to thank her because like we wouldn't be able to talk about a lot of things that we talk about on this show if it weren't for her it's the she has been at the forefront of not just like the feminist movement but at like the practical political fighting for gender equality and if you look like it's one of the things that i think is so so wild is uh she started in the supreme court like august like six days after i was born so my entire life i haven't like she's been there for my whole life and so there's never been a point and that's the thing that's so so crazy is we've all of these different generations who have benefited from her but also people who have been you know working and then and then all of the

work that she has done has been able to change their lives as they're an adult or as they're a teenager and i was talking about this with a couple of like my friends who are my age and we were like we don't it it's like it's as if that like all of the work that she did it's like electricity or something in the way of being like i never had to be without these benefits and these things because she's always she's been ahead of it like i was a baby like i was born as she was doing all of this stuff and it's just wild i mean even before you were born i mean most of the things that she was arguing were done before either of us were born she was the only woman like in her class and then couldn't even get hired after she graduated from law school because they weren't

hiring women so she had to make her own path and change legislation so you could hire like whether it's being like pregnancy through work like being a parent and like working and all of this stuff that's just something that I personally don't think about like I take for granted that kind of stuff because I've never known a life without that right and I think that even like us like looking at houses all the time like we wouldn't be able to even buy a house on property if it weren't her for her and it's and it's something that's so wild because she just died like that's that person who the the concept of like women owning property we think about these things i mean we think about a lot of historical things as if they happened so long ago but

in her lifetime that's like within her lifetime that's what she fought for because it was not allowed and her legacy will live on so far past it and it was god that was a rough i mean you were the one who told me i know i like we were texting when it like came on my screen and i was like and we were talking about such first world problems that we were having yep and then that came up and it just like you know smacked us back in reality i do also want to say i did see a tweet from um an indigenous woman who did want uh to make sure that people are aware of the fact that there should be no pressure especially to the indigenous community to regard her in the exact same way that like a lot of other women do because she has voted she had voted against a couple of or

something along the lines of a couple of like things that weren't really great of uh protecting like indigenous folk um so what my mindset has been as a white woman is like i i need to check that and be like okay acknowledge that because just because someone fought for women just because someone fights for anything i can automatically assume that i'm gonna be included because i'm white and i want to acknowledge that that's not the case for everybody and i think we can celebrate all the amazing things that she did but then know that we have more to grow and like more to do in the future and i think that's a really empowering and great thing so if you are part of the indigenous community and you are feeling i don't know uh kind of conflicted or not really seen

during this whole time just know that we totally see you and as well as the jewish community i fucked up and said rest in p r.i.p which i also don't even really like don't even associate it with christianity and i guess it is associated with christianity um and so i did a correction on my instagram caption and also on twitter but i don't know if i got all of the things right but uh so it's may her memory be a blessing which is what is said in the jewish community if you guys want to be on an episode of don't blame me you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you need to keep your voicemail to under three minutes long or you will be cut off

dun dun dun and you also be shamed by melissa and if you don't want to be shamed by melissa and have us you know talk amongst ourselves while the call is playing saying like come on hurry up we would advise you to channel your inner Virgo and write it down and then read it out loud and from there you can see am I explaining something too much am I missing something it's just a really great way to have be really nice and cohesive and like we always say when you are a listener you can tell which calls that person wrote out beforehand and those the calls I promise you you like the most so if you are under 18 please get your parents permission before you call or Send your voice memo in. And before we get into those calls, we have an update.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is from episode eight of season six. And let's bring the caller in. Could you give us a refresher on your original call for people? Yes. So I called in originally about, um, my stepbrother sealing my underwear. Um, I, I like to assume the best. So when I found it in his room, I was just like, Oh, maybe our laundry got mixed up. And then it happened again and it ended up back in his room. So I was like, okay, well, this is weird. And then he basically said that he was like jerking off to my underwear. So yeah, that's, I think that's where I left off. last time so did he tell his his father which is your stepfather right yeah did he tell him that or yeah okay he told him that and so I heard it from my stepdad that's what I called in about originally update so I guess like he stopped coming to our house like he stayed with his mom and like wouldn't like didn't talk to my stepdad for a while and he was basically like I just need time blah blah blah and my stepdad was like okay well you need to like talk to you know me and

apologize and all that kind of stuff um and then he one day we went downstairs and like all of his stuff was gone from his room and we were like wait where did his stuff go and so we like looked at our cameras and he like came to our house in the middle of the night and got all of his stuff and just brought it to his mom's house wow and so we were like okay that's kind of weird and he just like did not talk to anybody so basically he said that like he didn't want to come back and then my stepdad was like well we want you back blah blah blah but you need to like agree to like go to some sort of therapy and he was like I don't want that stupid like I don't need to do that and his mom which is my stepdad's ex-wife she is just a little crazy and she was

like oh this is just normal like teenage boy things like how old is he he is I think he's 19 now yeah he like just went off to college too so he's a freshman in college and so my stepdad was like well you can come back if you agree to like apologize and make things right because I was willing to like sit down and talk I wasn't just like you get this person out of my life like it was obviously going to be awkward but I was at least willing to like talk and stuff but he was like he literally said this to my stepdad he was like well what do I have to apologize for that was like months ago and so my stepdad didn't hear from him for like months and then randomly he texted my stepdad one day and was like hey I need money for school and my stepdad was like um

I'd be willing to help you out if you would make things right and he was just like no so he like somehow paid for his school by himself and like we don't really know how and it's just like a big shit show basically wow i mean your stepdad like not to make assumptions your stepdad seems pretty fucking cool like yeah that's he is awesome he like went to bat for me completely and like was never like oh she's my stepdaughter so i knew you know like he totally stood up for me and stuff so that was great but so how what's the age difference between your stepbrother and you he's 19 i'm 21 so you guys so did you guys you guys like lived in like the house like obviously like you were living in the house together at that point but it's not like it's not like your

parent like they got remarried when you were i don't like out in college and then like you met him like two years in or something like that like you right no you guys went to high school together yeah yeah yeah shut the fuck up i like did not picture a 19 year old and i don't know if you i thought he was gonna be 15 16 i thought he was gonna be on the border i was thinking 18 19 yeah oh yeah oh my wow what's your astrological sign by the way sagittarius okay oh okay because i was like you're handling this like the whole thing i'm being like oh i'll sit down have a conversation like i'm like holy shit like that's that is like that's amazing like i wish i was you know more like that but it's so odd because half of his behavior sounds like embarrassed and mortified

and like i don't want to see her i don't want to talk to her but then also like i have nothing to like apologize for yeah it's and i know that's why i like felt bad because i like can't imagine how embarrassed he feels yeah and so i feel bad that he probably feels really embarrassed but but does he i don't know like he i don't assume so but i don't he is like like he's a nice guy but he's always like he hasn't had that many friends and like he's kind of just like a loner like plays video games and so like i felt bad because i don't know but no it's weird it's fucking weird i'm glad you have like obviously like your family but i'm really glad your your stepdad is you know like parenting his son and also like protecting you and not kind of

going about like yeah in that kind of way like that makes me feel like even from your original call we were like okay i mean stepdad sounds like he probably like has got this shit together but that's also like such a nice comforting thing to know that even if like for you obviously like moving past this whatever like it's always going to be weird but like however you deal with it knowing that he's not kind of he's dealing with like him as a dad is also dealing it with in his own way so it's not just like oh months have passed like here you go here's money for college like water under the bridge like he's still like no it was fucking weird because she's also my daughter now so like right exactly he went into my stepbrother's wallet and grabbed me a hundred

dollars in cash and said here go buy yourself more oh my god it's like amazing i love your stepdad i fucking love him that's amazing you seem to be doing like really like such a like a mature and like standpoint from this which is yeah you know i mean sagittarius you don't really get thrown for a loop a lot of times very much like okay this is my life this is what I'm doing yeah yeah I've been listening to this podcast since the very very very very beginning and I've always been like oh my life is so boring I'll never have anything to call in about and then this happened I was like I'm calling Megan yes that makes me so fucking happy I love when people who've listened for a while like they get that moment someone else said something about that

where I don't remember what it was but they were like it was something like really like not great in their life and they were like yeah i was like sad but then i was also excited like have you know the bright side of it there is yeah a silver lining yeah amazing well thank you so much for the update and thanks for calling it originally listening to the podcast um give your uh stepdad our love oh i will and your mother too because i mean i don't we don't want exclude her in this as well um and yeah thank you so much yeah thank you guys now let's get into the rest of our calls hi megan and melissa um just wanted to start by saying i love the podcast i do have a problem that i would like some advice with i am 26 and a few days ago i just found out

that I have a half-brother from my dad who is 33. He was born a few months after my parents got married. They got divorced about 15 years ago. But I just need some advice on how not to be so angry, particularly with my dad. My mom had no idea up until recently as well. and it turns out my grandparents who are both dead now they were aware as well and I did get in contact with my half-brother and I have talked to him and from what he has told me my dad was very well aware that he was he's his son and I just need some advice on not being angry very very angry with my dad um I really don't know how to deal with it I don't know how to talk to him about it when I talked to him about it he basically said that he

he didn't know that it was his and he basically had no intention on telling us that that we might have another sibling out there. I do have a full brother as well. But yeah, I'm really struggling with this. I'm having a really hard time. And I just feel like I was robbed at the chance of being able to get to know my brother. And it's very frustrating and upsetting. And I don't know really what to do about it and I don't want to be angry but I'm I don't know how not to be angry when this has been sprung up on me um so yeah if you had any advice I would really greatly appreciate it again I love you both I love the podcast and I hope both of you are staying safe love you bye we hope you're staying safe too thank you thank you

wow wow um your dad 100 knew that it was his because he or not it him your brother was his because he kept it from you guys and your grandparents knew and your brother said he knew because obviously your brother knew that your dad existed so it's just messed up your dad was saving face because he just got married and had a baby on the way yeah wow I'm sorry that you've gone through this and sorry that you missed out

on years of knowing your brother but I think there's still time Gabby Dunn she found out that she had a brother like a few years ago her dad didn't know that the brother existed but they did

like a 23andMe type situation and found him wow they didn't I mean they weren't looking it just popped yeah and so uh and she talks about it a lot and she did we did a whole when I was producing um her podcast with Allison um there was an episode where he was a guest on and um like they were talking and they I mean they just found out that they were siblings a few years ago and they're close now so I don't think that it's ever too late for you to get to know your brother i don't think it's too late ever at all i fully agree with that i think there's like a couple of things that i wish we knew like i want how did

you find out um and was your dad involved in this kids yours bless you bless you oh that second one was good it was because i was stifling the first one and then you just let it go um if uh your dad was present in your uh stepbrother's life at all because financially yeah because i think that that's important to note um because i think first of all you have every right to be angry and depending on how long ago this was like you can be i i'm i know some people are like oh being like angry or being like upset or something like it's such like a not a way to like live or whatever but like there is like a level of like you there are levels of anger like you go from like really upset and really like fucking pissed about it and then it can go from something to be like

yeah I'm not happy about it but it doesn't like I don't think about it all the time like it's not something that and like that's just like a time sort of thing so like this doesn't have to be something that you ever have to necessarily like forgive your dad for but like you just deal like it's you just like you move on and like it's it can always be like a thing that you are upset that he did this thing and like you don't forgive him for doing this but it doesn't necessarily have to change your relationship with him if you don't want to uh but it just depends on how long it's been because if it hasn't been that long that phase of being really angry and upset it needs its time to go through it and i think if your dad was financially involved i think if you unpack the

other reasons why that you would be really upset with your dad because if your dad was financially involved in this kid's life then you're up then the fact that he continues to lie about this when it's blatantly obvious and there are facts and that kind of shit that's really frustrating and that's another point of like i'm so angry with you or if he wasn't involved in this kid's life financially and knew we existed and then you're like i'm looking at you kind of differently as a person for like abandoning this kid and like not helping out at all when we had like a however whatever your life was like it's that kind of comparison but it's like you said it's never too late but it's also it's also like okay to be upset and I personally know because he's

doubling down on saying that he didn't know that would piss me off because there's no accountability and like apology and like recognizing the pain that he put you through on missing out this relationship with your brother and just this whole kind of like massive lie and if he's not admitting to it then he's not apologizing he's not acknowledging and validating your feelings and so that to me is a source of anger when it feels like this other person doesn't think i i should be angry that makes me even more angry and so i think like have a sit-down conversation with him and however you found out and like whatever the proof is or whatever like if you're like hey half brother like you want to go grab a protect like whatever this is if you can like

find that paper trail or this receipt and just like tell your dad like i just need to know the truth like i like i'm gonna be upset yes but i don't want this to change our relationship forever and if you keep lying about this though like just own up like we already know this now like just don't have to this and then start pursuing that like that relationship with your half brother but i think like yeah i i'm just i'm so i'm so curious about like what your half brother's relationship like was was like with your with your dad because if he didn't have a great relationship with your dad and you want to get to know your half brother it might also be hard for there also might be some anger there that you're harboring like again like towards your dad for not being a good parent to

to him you don't have to forgive your dad you can still be angry at your dad or you can like it's all up to you but i don't think you need to push those feelings on yourself they'll just naturally come like the whole thing of like how do i get over something or how do i blah blah the answer 99 of the time is time and then what time will show you time won't make you get over something but time will show you if you can't get over this and then if you can't get over it that's when you have to change the relationships you have with people or change what you're doing because like those feelings aren't changing or whatever it is so but this is wild we would love an update we would love a call back you know i would love to hear some more of the clarifying details let's

get on to the next one um so my friend and i we've been friends since kindergarten and we i'm 21 now we both are and she's been with the same guy since she was 15 i think and i have maybe met him three or four times um since they've been together which all in all i think that's a little weird um I the times I've met him haven't had really good or bad things to say about him he's been pretty neutral um pretty quiet and just doesn't really want to talk to me um and she every time I get a boyfriend wants to be his best friend and always be around him which I want her to be part of my relationship in my life but so I don't mind ultimately that she's friends with my boyfriend but recently about maybe three weeks ago she was staff chatting me and she was like oh by the way

I'm gonna call him Joe she's like by the way Joe and I got engaged last night and she just kind of threw it out there which I feel like I don't know my best friend if I get engaged she's gonna be one of the first people I call I'm gonna be really excited about it she didn't even sound that excited though she just kind of was like oh yeah that happened by the way and another back stories about six months ago they broke up he broke up with her and she constantly claims about how much she doesn't like him and how rude he is to her and he broke up with her and he told her that he had just been using her for sex the entire time they've been together he doesn't even like her and she's annoying and so I really thought they were done but then two weeks later

he was like oh sorry I was wrong I want to date you again and so they got back together and mind you that was six months ago and now they're engaged and he wants to get married in like three months or so she is like I don't want to wait like a year or more or I don't even know if I really want to get married right now but I don't want to be rude to her I want to be able to support her um but also I don't really support her decision in being engaged to him or getting I don't really support her being with him at all but I do know that it's not my life and I'm not going to be able to control her so i just told her i'm happy that you're happy even though it doesn't really seem like she is but and i always tell her like if you need to talk i'm here um but

i just know do you have any other advice should i just stay out of it for the most part and just say happy you're happy and leave it at that or is there anything else that i should be doing since she is my best friend thank you and i look forward to hearing your advice bye this is weird this is this is super fucking weird like you guys are best friends like what kind of best friends yeah like they've been together since they're 15 and you've met him like four or five times yeah like where did she meet him how have they been dating have they been like talking online only yeah but they've been fucking so since that's what he was using her for so he has to be local are you guys oh yeah are you guys in the same city did you guys

meet online you guys are online friends uh maybe no because how would they become friends in it was pen pals they were pen pals oh wow we did have and when i was in like elementary school we had pen pals and we'd write to people like far away i always wanted a pen pal yeah wow yeah i have a lot of questions because this is something that like i could not even see the situation occurring with sydney like my with my best friend do you mean like there's just not and even with like my close close friends like there's just I don't I'm just confused at like how this happens here's the thing if it's your best friend if you think about it in the sense that like you can always read your best friend like when like and there's a certain like sort

of cadence of the way that you talk or like the language that you use and like when you say if you're happy I'm happy we all know what that means and like I'm sure again like if I said that to Sydney or Sydney said that to me she would be like what are you why are you being a bitch like she would like or she would and she would or she would just know that like that's what I'm like okay that's her like she knows like what that means and how she feels like how I would feel about that if I'm using that term so I mean the thing is is like we like you said we can't protect anyone from this I think you're going about this in like the full right way um but I mean I think that again if this was my best friend I would probably say hey like I just want to like

talk about this a little bit like I like just want to check in with you like the last time that we really talked about uh you guys like it was you guys have gotten back together but we really haven't like and I don't know if you have I'm assuming you haven't because usually when you're like bitching to your friends it's about the shitty stuff and like that kind of stuff so I'm assuming when they got back together it wasn't like maybe she updated you but like there's a little bit of like embarrassment there or like it doesn't really want to like own up to the fact that like yeah i got back together with a guy who like called me annoying and said he was using me for sex so i mean have a conversation just like hey i want to check in like the last uh time that

we really had a big conversation about you and him was like when he broke up with you and like when he like said all of those things and i am obviously happy if you're happy but i haven't like, we haven't talked about this in a while. So like, I also don't really know if you're happy and I don't know where you're at. So like, how did this, how did this come about? And like, how are you feeling? And I think from there, because again, it is her decision and it's her choice and listen to what she says. And it's not about if you like or dislike him, it's about if she's happy and if she's in like if she's if she's doing well and all of that but I mean I'm not someone who can reserve my judgment for my best best fucking friend but you also have

to know that like if you come at this of like hey I really think this is a mistake and I blah blah you have to be knowing that like that it can put your friendship with her in jeopardy I'm curious if you ever brought it up of like, Hey, I like, it's odd that we haven't like met this many times or like, he doesn't seem that interested in getting to know me. And that I will say is a massive, massive red flag. Um, because if anything, your partner should, I mean, your partner should always like want to be nice to your friends and always want to meet your friends and always be on like the, like best, like the putting their best foot forward, really trying to impress them all that shit but especially with your best friend also you said that they had this conversation like

six months ago what has she been telling you in those six months since then i'm so curious about that okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa i am calling in for some advice so i'm just going to get into it And I basically have been talking to this guy since March, and we finally met up with each other a few weeks ago, or actually, it would be more like almost two months ago. And at first, I thought it was just going to be sex because that's kind of like what we both initially wanted. But of course, I ended up catching feelings, I guess. I mean, I'm not, like, in love with the guy, but I definitely could see myself going down that road.

And I'm pretty sure the feelings are mutual. He's always kept it pretty casual, but I just personally never clicked with somebody the way that I clicked with him. Anyway, past that, I actually just moved into my dorm for college. Yes, I know, I can't believe they're letting us move into dorms. But anyway, and I'm kind of struggling with being able to let loose because in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, like, oh, what would he say about this? Or, like, oh, I don't want to do this because I'm going to go see him this weekend. And it's honestly really affecting me. Like, I kind of want to be able to, like, let loose my freshman year and just party and, like, basically fuck whoever I want.

But I can't because in the back of my head, I'm always thinking about him. so I guess what I wanted advice on is like how do I get over that do I like block him because we are still talking but we're just not seeing each other as much because I did move about an hour away um yeah so I don't know how to go about this I do really like him and I just honestly feel like it was right person wrong time um but I also don't want to pursue something with him because I do want to be a whore in college if we're being honest so I just want to kind of advice about how to get over myself I and also for reference I am a Capricorn so I don't know if that tells you anything and yeah okay thank you guys so much um thank you bye take it away hello caller

so you called in about a guy that you have a um crush on that really doesn't seem like he's reciprocating your feelings and you met up with him and you thought like it's gonna be all sex and fun things and then you're like and it didn't happen and then you moved into the dorms and you're like oh my gosh i can't believe that they're letting us go back to the dorms but you know what i can't believe is that you want to be out here hoeing around which you know what that is what freshman year is about but not in these times we're in the middle of a pandemic you shouldn't be going out and having sex with these people and like your relationship with that guy is so the other guy is so like irrelevant because you shouldn't be going out and fucking anybody

because we're in a pandemic i'm floored how you can recognize that it is preposterous that you are allowed back on campus and living in dorms but you want to verbatim party and fuck lots of guys right now this is to be super honest with you I don't know how much of this is you not wanting to do this and feeling bad because you have feelings for him or how much of it is the fact that you have a guilty conscience that is like wanting to manifest it and say that it's about him but it's really about the fact that you're you want to do this shit in the middle of a pandemic like take that guilt and like that sort of shame and feeling of like tied to him and tie that to the pandemic like it's not about him i like when you're like you want to hoe around your freshman

year how about you want to stay alive your freshman year how about you don't want to kill people your freshman year it's not going to be the freshman year that you expected and it's not going to be the freshman year that you wanted but it's the freshman year that you have and you have to be responsible with this like truly how would you fucking feel if you went to a party you hooked up with someone and guess your roommate died your roommate died and let's say your roommate was not going anywhere your roommate was doing all of her classes on zoom and she did it all here so then explicitly when you tell her hey i got i tested positive or hey whatever it is uh or or she just gets sick and dies and the only

person who it would be and you get tested and it's you and then you know oh okay was that dick worth her life like yeah literally like and it's not about it's literally not about you like if you can't like and truly but i mean to be honest like a lot of this like when it comes that rhetoric of it being like okay well we talk about like protect other people and it's like well no if you want to be a selfish asshole protect yourself then like if that needs to be what you need to hear that like oh wearing like social distancing wearing a mask like abiding by all these guidelines and all of this kind of stuff is how you like protect other people if you need to reframe it to say that's how you protect yourself because you're selfish then reframe it like that but like

understand even attending a fucking party is jeopardizing not only people's lives people's education there are so many fucking kids who do not want to be back at school who are forced to be there who are going to lose scholarships all of this kind of shit like are paying all of this money like all of these terrible fucking situations because they have to go back to school and they have to stay in school and they have to live in the dorms and they're going above and beyond to choose to not further further add to that risk and then you're making that choice for them and the last time we did one of these psas um people dude i like actually done one every episode at this point oh okay wait the last uploaded one and comments we've had if you do not live in the

united states no offense but like unless you're going to be like wow i can't believe what the u.s is fucking doing don't chime in and be like well well blah blah blah blah blah because how the u.s is handling this pandemic is completely different than anyone else and so when it's like oh like i'm following guidelines i'm doing x y and z like blah blah blah and then i find out later that you're like not even from the states i'm like you don't understand like you're you're not you're the same your guidelines are talking to you no and if it doesn't apply to you if you get pissed off i mean if you get pissed off by anything that we say like it doesn't apply let it let it fly but um i will this is this is who we're upset with when we talk about the pandemic i'm not upset

with essential workers i'm not upset with people who need to provide for their families i'm not upset with people who like have to nanny who have to have jobs where they're interacting with other people and they might not be a grocery store worker like they work in a daycare or like they're a teacher like all of these other things like i'm i'm not upset about that i'm not upset about any sort of shit like that because like you're put in a position where like yeah the unemployment is like fucking trash and if like certain cities and governments and states are opening up and saying things are safe when they're really not that safe you're not able to file for unemployment because like you should you quote unquote should be working and but it's this shit

it's the electing like it's choosing to do this social shit that you don't have to fucking do that puts everybody's lives in danger including the people who are only doing the things because they fucking have to like i just stay inside go out only when you need to and study you can facetime these dudes and you know leave the hoeing to next year or probably the year after that because the vaccine won't be for everyone until the end of next year so bye vibrator yeah like it's is the dick worth death and that's on that okay roll the tapes hi Megan and Melissa um I am 23 I'm a Capricorn I don't totally know what that means but you guys care so there it is um so I just came out about my relationship with my girlfriend to pretty much

everybody in my life within the last few months um and most recently I came out to my best friend from high school and like I'm 23 23 now so like clearly we're in different places in life But, like, we have still stayed, you know, close and in touch. And, like, I thought she was, like, a really good friend. Well, it turns out she basically said, and I quote, I will never support that relationship. And it was just kind of, like, really shibby because it's like, you say you love me. You say that, you know, you support me, but you don't support this relationship or me in this relationship. So, I don't know.

It's very confusing. I definitely think it's for a religious reason, which is, like, a whole other, you know, story. But, yeah, I just, I guess I just need help on what to do. I haven't replied yet. I would like to, but at the same time, I don't even know what to say. Like, I'm really hurt. I just feel like it's really shallow. so if I don't reply I guess how should I cope with this loss and if I should reply what should

I say because everything that I am thinking of is just mean and like I don't want to be mean I just want to be honest I don't know please help me thank you bye I am so tired of people using religion to justify their hate oh my god it's and like it makes no fucking sense because i'm like there are tons of religious gay people like there are tons of people who like still have a relationship with like religion whatever religion it is and are happy and out and like like i mean the fucking just to justify your hate that's that's the only the only reason why it's there for homophobia for racism you can name several but those are the top two that i get fucking annoyed about and i'm just tired of it i'm tired it's bullshit and the thing is is

like she's homophobic and i think it's really important for you maybe maybe you already like know that but like terminology wise i think it's important for us to like stay on the podcast like she's not being a bad friend she's homophobic and that's so far beyond just you and it's so problematic and so dangerous and deadly and it's ignorant and it's just incorrect and it's hateful and disgusting and deplorable and awful and there is a special for those religious special place in hell for people who like in general homo like it's awful but like there i think there's like a lot of people who you know make exceptions for that like and i think it happens a lot in uh like the uh gay like uh male gay

community of like girls who will be like straight girls who will be like well like he's my gay best friend and like i'm not like i like i'm like not crazy about gay people but i love you and like an exception to the rule and if your friend is to your face like our text message or whatever but like to you explicitly their homophobia doesn't even make an exception for you and that's such deep rooted and disgusting hate and regardless of the reason if it's religion or anything like that it doesn't matter like because this is a part of you but it also doesn't change you at all like it's it's just a part of you and who you love shouldn't matter like you're saying like you just want to tell her how you feel but everything's mean okay that's okay like that's how you feel and

that's also like very valid and how i feel being like just by proxy to this like i'm mad and i want to be mean to her and I want to call her out on that shit but you have to what is going to make you feel I don't want to say like better because there's not necessarily like a like a scale of like how you're going to feel in that way but like what do you what do you want to say like what do you need to say and say that and also maybe there's nothing that you need to say like maybe you keep looking over it and saying it is not going to make you feel any different like it's not going... It's just going to fuel this

and it's just going to make you feel more hurt and, like, prolong this conversation. And I don't think you have to. Like, and I think this fucking sucks that this person who claimed to be your friend actually is not your friend and is a homophobic piece of shit. But it's not your responsibility

or your job to ease them into this and, like, hold their hand through loving you when nothing has fucking changed. Like, it's just... not a relationship that not anything that you have to accept and like not it shouldn't even be like a fucking you don't have to do this for the relationships in your life you don't have to handle people through their homophobia so they can like learn how to

how to like love you and how to like deal with like your however you're fucking identifying like it just it's not a prerequisite to friendships and it can be really hurtful and really hard when like a friend says something or turns out to be someone like really different than we thought and I think there can also be like a lot of shame in that of being like wow I can't believe that I didn't know that like I didn't think that this would this was like so out of left field like I so didn't think that this would be their reaction and I can't believe I was friends with somebody for so long that was like like this and it happens like it sucks but it fucking happens and especially because you've known each other for a long time we grow up and become kind of different people

and I think you alluded to that at the beginning of the call that like you guys have just grown up to have like very different lives and your relationship with her like in your past in your history like you if you can look back on that with like good memories if you want to or you feel like you can but you don't have to push forward on this friendship or this relationship just because you guys have a history i mean i say you're fucking kick her to the curb but if you want to cuss her out fucking do it okay everybody it is now time for don't blame them and uh this is when one of you call in with your own experience on one of the previous calls your insight how you feel about it if you've

into something similar so which episode is this one from this is from episode 14 of season six and the original caller shared that her friend always posts things on facebook that seem biphobic and so here's someone calling to share their advice yay hey megan and mel i am phoning in today as a response to your most recent episode in season six episode 14 my pronouns are she her i uh this is in response to the caller who had a friend who made a post that talked about um straight friends or straight people pretending to be in queer relationships or queer or something like that um and i just wanted to say that i don't think that you're being um like you're being too sensitive at all i think that that post can be um is a little problematic and i always

find it sort of curious when people in the queer community um really take it upon themselves to be super critical of like other relationships that don't involve them unless you know people really intimately you don't know how they identify and if you do know them intimately enough and you do know how they identify and I think it's like not really your business um and I think that um I think that the post is biphobic and I think that it also um could be considered maybe uh transphobic or cis sexist because again it is sort of like assuming things by looking at them uh, from a glance. And, um, so yeah, I think that your friend maybe needs to educate themselves more. And I think that you also need to, uh, remember that your existence is valid and remember

that, um, you probably are, uh, constantly as I think a lot of, uh, bisexual people are constantly struggling with internal biphobia. So just be kind to yourself. And I would maybe talk to your friend about this. And if they're not receptive, I don't know, I think that like, it's up to you to decide if you want to do that extra work in educating them, or if you have the capacity to do that. But yeah, those are my thoughts. And thanks so much. Have a great day. Bye. fucking fantastic point i was trying to look up if there's a specific name uh for like you know uh non-binary phobic in that kind of way i haven't been able to find a specific term in itself but that is such a good point that i didn't even think about like we all agree that this is biphobic and

a shitty thing to say and problematic and offensive and hurtful but i never even thought of the um like assumption not only the assumption that it's making that like these people are one or more of these parties like it like this one of these parties is straight and like that but i also like i never even assumed in like the sense of like this is also assuming their gender identity just by looking at them and that's so fucking problem like that's awful and like super fucking problematic and i she's totally right that i think this is also like it falls under being like transphobic and again don't know the official term of it like non-binary like or whatever it is like not you're just assuming not only someone's orientation but their

gender identity when you're doing that and that's like it's fucked and like yeah exactly like she said you that you only know those things if you're really really really fucking close with someone and also like we've said so many times on this show like those aren't like those aren't necessarily set in stone like those are things that like can change and evolve over time yeah or it could even be like that day that's what they're feeling and like yeah like why do you care like and that's like you're not in the relationship why does it matter that is our episode we hope you enjoyed if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com

don't forget to follow us on social um we also have our video version over on patreon if you want to hit it up you can also support our patreon we do live streams and other fun stuff there we appreciate you um you know if you're just listening on the uh podcast app or something else and you're like wow there's a lack of ads here please go over to patreon and support us there so we can continue to make our show and yeah follow us on our individual socials

and that's that's it register vote vote for Joe Biden and we will see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by Melissa DeMonts

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