Don't Blame Me! - S6E2: My Friend’s Girlfriend is Threatened by Me w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

DISCLAIMER: This episode is pre-recorded and has no discussion of current events. To our Black listeners: there is no potentially triggering race content in this episode. To our white & non-Black listeners: here is a resource doc made by twitter user @botanicaldyke on countless ways to help the cause https://bit.ly/3doDFXB    Threads of Black Owned Businesses to Help: https://twitter.com/hopewrlds/status/... https://twitter.com/jadealycebod/stat...   If You're Not an Ally, You're an Enemy: https://www.instagram.com/p/CAvvLskDapa/   This week we're sharing advice on:    Public image of your relationship Anxious about starting college online Coming out as Asexual Sleeping with every guy on the first date Update from the caller that met a 35-year-old man on a cruise when she was 16   Join our PRIVATE Facebook Group: www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup  You must answer all questions correctly to be approved!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblameme  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's Sliced Deli Meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita Shampoo or Conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready. With a whole world and more. Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. in the quarantine this it's redundant at this point well I just I feel like it's kind of like um I'm obsessed with Bon Appetit videos and they have Bon Appetit at home and it just yeah that's

what all the late night people are doing yeah it adds a little bit of flair and I'm all I'm here for a little bit of flair um we are recording you won't be able to tell from how Melissa looks but you'll be able to tell from how I look we're changing the time that we're recording this if watching it we're recording in the morning um and i uh i'm waking up so good morning everybody whenever you're listening to this or watching we usually well not usually quarantine time we usually record well even regular time we usually record a couple hours later than this quarantine time it's been much later no it started off with us being like okay um well because like you're not a morning person i'm normally a morning person but like you know that quarantine has

made me be like yeah no why do i need to be awake for more hours than like i need to be and so we started up being like oh like we'll record at like 11 which is normally when we record the podcast when we're not in quarantine and then it was like okay one okay three okay 4 45 and we also have to work around matz's schedule as well yeah yeah because homeboys got zooms on zooms but it is my favorite i will like listen because i'll sit in the living room and he is working in our office and i'll just like sit at the chair closest to the door my seizure chair the chair i had a seizure in um and it is like it is i it's i'm not gonna lie like it's pretty hot to like listen to him kind of like go in on people at work or like get into these meetings and like

talk about all this stuff and i'm like damn boy like you that capricorn energy and i haven't like you know seen that or heard that really since we like did work together we weren't dating and i was like okay flex that and it's different too because when you work together he was an assistant now he's risen in the ranks yeah he has it's so funny in your loins what a good time uh well anything else new with you what's new with you how's your um how's your hobbies uh they're going pretty good i mean i'm i've finished painting my garden's going good um one of my tomato plants is like dead so i don't know what to do about that but whatever um yeah next week i'll move into the next phase of like work starting to work out

again yeah i'm looking for puppies i mean it was gonna be like get my gym my um boxing bag but you know yeah can't go get that well because you're too you're too strong for your for your height and your stature stature of a child they think that you're like uh like 12 and they're like you gotta get a 50 pound bag and you're like well no not 12 it's valid it makes sense yeah so well i'm excited for you to eventually get your bag and we can put my my jeep to good use as opposed to me just taking pictures it's cute it is what it's made for i know i need to take it we need to take a drive mott's and i have been taking drives in his car and i was like why aren't we taking one in my car like this could be a car commercial you could go like off road i don't know

where you would go off i'm like where the fuck do you go off road in la i have a friend that um she's like part of this like jeep crew and they go it is like a cult i know and they go off road they go on like trips where they go off and she's here in la so maybe i can hook you guys up well it makes sense that they would need to plan whole trips to go off roading because it's like where do we go off road yeah oh that's funny i should do it um well guys if you're new here this is advice podcast don't blame me woohoo uh if you want to call in for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and um yeah shall we get into it hi Megan and Melissa I'm 27 and I'm in my first real

healthy adult relationship we've been dating for five months and we were friends before that for like four years from being in the same graduate school program he's fantastic and we're really happy but my problem is that some people have made comments about our relationship that really upset me i think the comments stem from the fact that one people didn't expect him to get into a relationship because he told people that he didn't want to date in grad school and he has big class clown energy so he jokes around a lot doesn't share his feelings as overall private side note A big reason I know he really cares about me is that he has let me in and been vulnerable. Two, I was previously in a toxic off-and-on-again relationship with another guy in the program

who never fully reciprocated my feelings but was very, very happy to dig me around. Everyone knew about it, and there were actually a couple of occasions when I got so upset that I embarrassed myself in public. So when that ex found out about my new relationship, he, of course, had some judgy comments that he made to my friends he can go by himself but more recently a girl who's in the program told that same friend of mine she and another girl had chatted about the fact that my boyfriend and I seemed to be quarantining together when they didn't know we were quote even really dating and that we they were concerned that maybe I was setting myself up to get hurt again if he didn't

actually like me and wasn't serious about me so um they've seen me in a relationship with one other person so i don't know why they're acting like oh that's just what she always does chase after guys who don't like her and it's really bothersome that people in my program apparently have this perception that i'm some kind of desperate loser and they're not concerned about me like no if you were close enough to me to actually care you'd already know that my boyfriend adores me and to be clear he definitely acts like we're together in public well he did back when we were allowed blue's house but he doesn't necessarily confide in friends about it that's just not him also i love my friend for sticking up for me because she set the record straight with these people but like

maybe don't tell me the next time people talk shit about me i know all this seems very high school but i swear we are all about to graduate with phds anyway i told my boyfriend about this and he was like it doesn't matter what they think because we are happy and i do like you And obviously, I know that that's true, but I don't know how to not let it bother me. It makes me want to try to show off my relationship in a way that isn't really genuine and, like, try to convince him to post me all over social media or something because I feel some need to prove to these people that he actually likes me. But I know that would, in a sense, cheapen our relationship, which is the last thing I want.

Still, I feel like I'm starting to get a complex about this, so I really need some help figuring out how to not let this get me down and not let it interfere with my relationship thanks bye oh my god fucking these bitches me like you're not busy enough right i'm like you have to be doctors you're gonna have a doctorate you're gonna have a dr before your name and some letters after like they're gonna have ama after Drama! That was good. Thank you so much.

I wasn't even listening to the end of what you were saying because I was like, spell drama right. Spell drama right. I've been watching on TikToks. I'm getting funny again in like those short, quippy like Vine style where you're like, I'm only funny in short bits. God, yeah, this is dumb.

I'm going to say like, and I don't know if this is like necessarily what you want to hear but the reason why you feel the need to prove is because like it's getting to you in a way that yeah it's feeding on an insecurity that you have that i think we always want to be like we always think that our insecurities are rational like it's like oh well no i mean i have like you're even saying like he adores me i have no reason to feel this way and like so i know that he likes me so like i'm really secure in it but i think if you 100 percent were this wouldn't phase you as much and I think there is a part of you that like that's

it's like your worst possible outcome mindset of being like this what if they're right there's like a point two point zero zero zero zero one percent chance where there's that little little part of your brain and it's feeding on that and I think the way that you have it not get to you and have it not affect your relationship is communicate with your boyfriend I think that's like I mean that's always the answer but I think the more that you can focus on like making sure that you feel secure regardless of this happening like regardless of like oh okay this is fine but like if it's getting to you in that sense I think the the answer is just shutting out those people telling your friend and whoever's telling you like don't talk talk to me about this like I don't want to

hear about it mute those people on social if they're like being annoying and then just focus on you guys like just focus on like date nights in quarantine and doing all of that stuff and building your own relationship because you don't need to prove it to anybody I think you do kind of need to prove it to yourself because I think you're kind of writing off the fact that you do feel a little bit like worried and insecure about it as like oh I shouldn't because I have no reason to you're allowed to have like you're allowed to just have like not reasonable I was gonna say reasonable doubt but like you're just allowed to kind of be a little like you got burned in your last relationship you're allowed to just be like five months in you're still really good like you've

been friends before but this is like a new it's a new thing and I think that you have to um it's okay if you're not 100 confident in it right now because it is still pretty early and i think focusing on your relationship uh focusing on your relationship and just building your relationship will make you more confident in your relationship right right it's like let filter out all the outside noise because it's not about them like they're not the ones in the relationship and i know it's super hard not to hear or like want to show him off but like like your boyfriend said it doesn't matter like they're not the ones at the end of the day that are going to be there for you they're not even your friends they're just people that are talking behind your back

so you tell your actual friend like i don't want to hear that shit and um just don't you don't all you have to do is be their classmates and i know like with the phd program and you probably were in your master's program with them too you guys have all like you said you've known each other for a while so you've like been these are your like core group of people that you've been around all the time but like once you guys graduate like it doesn't matter like you're not they're not they're clearly not your friends right now so why would you carry them on to the next phase of your life yeah the only thing I'd say as like a devil devil's advocate sort of thing is we never we usually never do that ever ever um just because i've been i've also kind of been

the friend in the sense figure out why your friend is telling you and like if your friend is just that kind of word vomit doesn't really filter just set it not like really not thinking about it and thinking it wouldn't phase you at all but it also might be a way for your close friend to say that that's how they feel by putting it on other people who aren't as close so i would just have an open conversation with your friend about it and that's not me saying that that's definitely what they're doing i think also sometimes it could be either she is like a little she or he i don't think you like specified or whatever they um that they that they feel this way and this is a way for them to tell you or they feel the exact opposite so them telling you this

it's like not even on their radar because it's like oh my gosh how dumb is everybody else like listen to how stupid this is because they're so on the same page as you and so confident in your relationship or they're like i was gonna say or they like are just being the bone collector and they don't want it to get back around that yeah people were talking about you and she was there and um she didn't say anything like she's letting you know like being a good friend that she heard this this is what's said but like you know don't listen to them and I think the first time someone tells you something that like hurts even if it's like and it's honest and it's like well I really wanted to tell you because I didn't want to keep something from you you can say like thank you so

much I'm really glad you told me this first time if this happens again like I'm good like I heard it once I don't need to keep hearing it again because it isn't relevant to your life at all But but yeah, I would also just just enjoy being in your relationship. And if you feel insecure about it or you feel like some type of way, don't hesitate or shy away from talking to your boyfriend about it, because it's a totally valid feeling to have, especially five months into a relationship, regardless of other people have made this kind of commentary. so don't let this commentary make you feel like that kind of stubborn thing like if there ends up being bumps or things that you're like uncomfortable with or like situations with him that feel like icky or like that you're that hurt your feelings don't feel like you have to kind of like grin and bear it because you want to prove everybody wrong yeah that's true but if you

guys can get through quarantine together you can probably get through anything yeah also just like those judgmental people like first of all i know people who like are not like even like necessarily like dating dating who have been who've like quarantined together like come on like they are just fucking bored yeah they're bored and they're probably a little bit jealous too because he's the guy that said he wouldn't settle down with anybody but you got him yeah no that's the they're they've definitely tried yeah or like talked about it or been like oh or like it'll be like oh he'll never get with any of us like you know he's just gonna like get with somebody like totally random and it's like oh no he didn't never mind fucking dumb but um yeah best of luck uh stay safe in

your quarantine hope you guys are uh doing each other safely five months in you're like and they've been friends for four years too oh that sexual tension yeah it builds fucking builds okay on to the next one hello Megan and Melissa I am 20 years old and I am calling for advice regarding a situation with one of my guy friends so I have a really close guy friend who we're going to call Brandon Brandon and I are very close but 100% platonic truly like brother and sister and a few months ago Brandon started dating this new girl who we're going to call Becky and Becky was really cool she fit right in with our friend group and all of our friends kind of became friends with her very quickly her and i became very good friends uh but of course not

nearly as close as me and brandon because brandon and i have been friends for much longer and yeah so i would also like to note that brandon and i do not discuss him and becky's relationship when we talk to each other like i have never asked about the inter working with their relationship he has never shared that with me that's just not my place and i'm sure that she would not appreciate him going and telling one of his like female friends details about their relationship so like that is never a discussion that happens like i said all of our conversations are 100 platonic um recently it has become very clear that their relationship is sort of on the rocks there's been lots of tension um over it just within the group because she is sort of integrated

into our friend group uh and like i said he's not told me about any of this he has told mutual friends of ours who has been shared the message with me and uh the other day our mutual friend we're going to call him dylan was talking to me and sent me a screenshot of a text that becky had sent him saying that he was she was worried that brandon was gonna leave her for me which really shocked me. I don't know where that is coming from. I tried going over all of our past conversations and text messages to see if anything could give that impression. And I really don't think it does. Everything has always been 100% iconic. And I try to keep very healthy boundaries between me and him because I don't want her to ever feel like I'm coming after

her boyfriend. And all of our mutual friends have said similarly that they thought our boundaries were healthy i just want to know what y'all think if there's anything that i could do to reassure her without her knowing that this was information was given to me without her consent and also like if there's anything that i could have done that could make it seem i don't know i'd like to hear your thoughts on the situation and i'd be happy to give more information if you'd like also i'm the query and a type 2 on the enneagram if that helps uh please and thank y'all so much have a good day everybody needs to butt out of everybody else's fucking relationships yeah that's true but this is like the op we're hearing the other

girl's story like you know we've heard before like the girl that's i my boyfriend has this girl that he calls his sister and i don't know now we're getting the sister side of the story uh i mean i'm not gonna lie i've been this girl i've a hundred percent been this girl yeah like i've friends with a lot of dudes you know exactly and i think that's um it's a it's a it's a also it's a weird person to be because movies and everything tells us that like oh like the heterosexual man a heterosexual woman like the guy the guy and girl who are friends like no they're never just really friends and like it's always it's more likely than not or not more likely than not but more common disgust of oh this girl who's like totally into my

boyfriend and like definitely wants him and all of that it just feels a little bit rarer to like hear this side of it and the one who's like oh I'm friends with the girlfriend like we get along blah blah blah it has nothing to do with if I I'm gonna bet it has nothing to do with you because like you clearly don't have feelings for him and I think if you if you were even flirting with him a little bit you would feel like embarrassed and be like oh my god like there would be this like oh shit like oh this flirty friendship we have like this is totally crossing the line but I just I don't know I I I think I think you haven't done anything and I'm also going based off of like when i've been in your position she but that's also to say that he hasn't

done anything and that's like he there is a a high likelihood that he's just talked about you and maybe before that they were official like maybe you were a name or she saw you on his instagram or something that you were a person of note that kind of made her be a little wary and then she got to know you and she liked you and then from there her liking you and thinking you're cool makes that insecure part of her brain go well then he must like her and think she's cool yeah because it'd be easier if you fucking sucked like if you fucking sucked and she hated you then she can kind of rationalize or possibly rationalize in her head i like my boyfriend my boyfriend likes me i am so different from this girl this girl fucking sucks so therefore he likes

me not her but if you guys vibe and you get along or if he's ever said that like oh I think you guys will be friends I think you guys are really similar it's all just kind of those like little red flags that he might have no idea like I don't know that he has feelings for you at all it's more likely that he just really cares about you and really likes you and that he just has talked about you in a positive way and she's kind of attached those things together um but yeah i think also it's i think it also kind of makes a lot of sense when you date versions of like as a straight dude when you date versions of your female friends but the versions that you're sexually attracted to like it's like these are the same kinds of people that you get along with

and this just happens that you're also like sexually attracted to them so i think it can breed a lot of insecurity because it you you can see similarities and you and these other girls and all of that stuff but i think the the number one advice i would give is to tell your friends who are showing you this kind of stuff and things like that like don't send this like let's not do this let's not get involved in their relationship but i will also say it is a little not that i'm giving a lot of credit here it's a little suspicious that it's a text message between she called him dylan dylan and becky that then or she maybe dylan was the other friend who showed it to her there's a screenshot between the couple that the the the boy sends it to his friend and

then his friend shows it to you it's just like to me that's just also immature in stirring the pot for no reason yeah like that's the part that I think like you shouldn't know I've always had a hunch it wasn't until like friends of mine like then like the couple split that they were ever like yeah I was like so can you finally admit that they fucking hated me but it was so much like not that was not even addressed when it was like active or happening and I think the fact that like he's kind of participating in the drama is a not a good sign for their relationship but also So I would just take it upon yourself to remove yourself from that narrative, because I think he is kind of casting you as like the one that got away. yeah yeah and for anybody that might be saying like we're getting giving hypocritical advice

because like before we were saying if you were um the sister it might it probably isn't like the sister she's into him and he's into her and they're probably cheating this isn't the same situation because no this this caller she's like she's friends with him and her it's a completely different situation um but I I mean you're chill you're like me and Aquarius and we we're just like buds with people yeah people just like us and they gravitate to us and you're not like I was gonna say it's not like she's saying it's not like she's she's wondering how she can reassure the girl without letting her know she knows versus hey should I talk to the guy about it right and that like talking to the guy about it is like oh maybe he's got feelings for me like

let me figure it out yeah and you're never and you're and you even said like you guys don't talk about his relationship with her because it's not your business and like it's still not your business but now she and this other he's making it your business is making it your business so um yeah i would i would just like evaluate the friendships and see what you actually want to hold on to because i mean it's in your friend circle their friend group and if they break up it's like people are gonna choose sides so yeah i also think that while i think you should talk to your friend uh who showed you the text i think you should be like hey don't like let's not like gossip about this and heads up i'm gonna fucking talk to him about it and then talk to him about it and say i

know we don't talk about your relationship but i saw this message from her and like i was under the impression that like her and I were cool and like clearly we're not and clearly there's some things there so like why like let's figure out why she had like have that conversation with him because and again I've had that before where it's like they're like oh no I've just like said this and this I'm like okay no you can't say that because it's it's coming off in a totally different way than you're intending it to be and you're not thinking that it's going to because like she's playing cool with it and pretending it's not getting to her but it is and that's what it kind of sounds like and I think as much as like you clearly don't want to be involved in

their relationship which is you shouldn't be he is involving you without you knowing what he's saying so you need to know what he's saying because otherwise I don't think you can address it at all and I think even from there once you find out if he's like saying some shit that like makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel weird or like oh wow clearly his girlfriend if you're being used as like a scapegoat to make his girlfriend like if you've been used to make his girlfriend jealous or make her feel a certain way then I think from there like fucking give him a piece of your mind and then talk to her and just be like hey I want to let you know that like I had no idea he was saying this kind of stuff like that is not how I feel like I think you're an

amazing girl and like it really hurts me to know that like my name was used in a way to like make you feel like insecure or jealous or anything and like I just want to let you know that that's like not how i feel about him and like not the relationship i want to have with him because i think it also it'll show you a lot about his character too because but also yeah and and again it's not even necessarily he didn't necessarily hasn't done it on purpose but you can also kind of see how callous and like he's being with it where he's not even like really like thinking about her feelings hello megan and melissa so this week california state university officially canceled in-person classes in the fall due to the COVID-19 situation. As a high school senior,

this news has really sparked some anxiety within me. While I am not going to that particular school in the fall, it just feels like the first domino in a series of unfortunate events. Overall, I have coped pretty well with all of the other changes and cancellations, but this one has really affected me differently. I have pretty much been a loner throughout high school. I don't have many friends other than class acquaintances, and to be honest, there aren't many people that I know of that I'm truly interested in being friends with. I'm a Virgo, so I really struggle with vulnerability, and I know this has contributed to my issues with making friends. While I am good at being alone and entertaining myself, I really do want things to be different for me. Throughout high

school, I've always said to myself that things would get better for me in college. While I know this is unhealthy, I've used this idea of college as a crutch to excuse my anxiety around making friends but now with the prospect of having my first year of college taken away i am left essentially friendless and with no real way to meet new people due to quarantine do you guys have any tips for coping with this change or making friends in this age of isolation thank you guys so much love the podcast bye good thing is you're like do every not but i mean majority of people are going to be in the exact same boat as you which is a sad but like good fact and truth because i think it's so fucking

common like so common um to i mean to excuse anxiety as a kid growing up in general um and like because you think like oh i'm shy like this is this kind of way versus those like visceral like anxiety reactions and also to kind of feel when you've grown up with the same group of people it feels so much harder because like they're seeing you through all of these different phases and who you're becoming and so it can kind of feel like you're you're you're like transforming and shape-shifting every year and it might not feel as easy to be authentic and so i know a lot a lot a lot of people honestly probably like the vast majority of people i went to high school with the second they were like freshmen in college like it was a complete shift and a total change

So I wouldn't beat yourself up about it because I think that's a really, really, really normal thing. And I think that you're going to be in a freshman class with a bunch of other people with that exact same mindset. And this is going to be the only way. Yeah. Yeah. I know that you're, you know, like you're looking, you're seeing the future and you're like, I'm going to change when this thing changes. And so I think you're putting a lot of pressure on the future instead of being, instead of concentrating on the present. And I think staying present is something that's going to help you manage and cope through this. Like everybody in your freshman class is going to be going through the same thing. They're not going to be physically in the same place. You'll have classes online. but you're still gonna have I think that school's still gonna be the same like as far as you know you having class projects and stuff like you're gonna be on zoom calls you can be in small groups and you can still meet people the same way as you would in school I mean there won't be parties to go to but you'll still you're now it's gonna be even better because you're just having conversations with people that you can just get to know online you know yeah and i think it's like a good i think

the internet can be i mean it's a double-edged sword but i think it can be a really great place to like flex those muscles of being yourself and in a safe way that does feel a little bit like more contained i'd say safe in like arbitrary ways but like it's like you can it's people whose personalities can shine a lot more over text or just talking because like they get nervous like in real life and you're going to be able to i think build those friendships in a more controlled environment which is like a virgo's wet dream and then when you guys are like when everything's uh coming back to normal and you can like meet in person i think you'll have fostered these relationships and i also think everybody going through this at those like big transition life

stages like it is so it is so bonding that you're all like you're all we're all trauma bonding essentially yeah like it's like jumping out of planes in the bachelor it is you've gone through this thing together and everybody's gonna be at that same like like socially deprived like i want to meet people i want to hang out with people i want to talk to people that i think that you're going to find that professors teachers the college in general is going to go out of their way to make more instances to recreate a version of the social scene in the corona times and i think if you are real canadian superstore has everything you need this back to school season save on lunchbox savers like ziggy sliced deli meat products for always 375 and get life brand

pure vita shampoo or conditioner for eight dollars each at real canadian superstore when you're ready we're ready with a whole world and more someone who like gets friend crushes on people or even if you don't i would really focus on that and like people who like are talking in your class who seem cool or even just like doing some like facebook stalking if you guys are in like a facebook group of like uh this is like the freshman class or something like that and seeing people who have common interests i think reaching out to people and just like talking to them and getting to know them i think is is gonna be what everybody's doing so i don't think that you need to i mean i'm not gonna say you don't need to feel anxious because i think it's a totally valid

feeling but i think if it makes you feel better everybody else regardless if they have a history of anxiety or not is gonna feel like this regardless if they're the most popular kid in school had a huge group of friends this is uncharted territory for them and for everybody yeah and so i think that it'll also it's a it's unprecedented times it's a weird it's it's all very weird but you're all going through it together and I think that the more authentic that you can be and just feeling comfortable being yourself it's a great practice to make friends too because also like there's not really you don't have to have follow-through like you don't like you don't have to see them every day and in class and be like oh I don't

really like this person but now they sit next to me every day and like we have to hang out and talk to each other I think you'll also be able it kind of eliminates social groups and social circles that I think it'll actually really expand in the kinds of people that you're meeting but I would sign up for anything that your college starts to offer of anything that's just fun and like recreational I would sign up for everything even if it's things that you don't necessarily already have an interest in because sports aren't a thing now and all of this stuff like it's all going to be everybody you're not going to walk into something or not walk in you're not going to like zoom in drop in to something that everybody else like that everybody else is already

good at and you're not like it is just everything's new and different but yeah yeah join a whole bunch clubs um talk to people in your class in small groups um i feel like school um i don't know what are they called not like counselors but whatever i forgot what the equivalent is in college but they're gonna do a lot like uh in smaller interest groups they're gonna do a lot to try to increase student engagement and then like school therapists are going to be readily available because they know that this is a trying and difficult time for people not just because you're going you're making the transition from high school to college but because we're this is becoming a new normal and they're and everybody's trying to figure out how to transition to that so just take advantage

of everything that your school has to offer they're still going to have like the freshman opening thing that they ceremony thing that they have where they're going to talk everybody's going to be like in a big group to talk to each other they're going to break up into smaller groups they're going to everything's still going to be there it's just going to be at your fingertips instead of in person yeah and then eventually it'll be in person yeah and that it is something to like look look forward to okay guys we're going to take a prick a prick oh my we're going to take a quick break and we will be right back imagine if we did take a prick break and go get dicked down during the break oh i thought you meant like versus like hitting like needles come

on now this is me i know i was like okay guys we're back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hey Megan and Melissa hope you're doing well this quarantine season so I wanted to bounce an idea off of you so pride is coming up next month and it got me thinking because within the last year I realized that I'm asexual and it was a pretty big deal to me because when I kind of came to that realization everything fell into place honestly why I am the way I am all the relationships I've built the way I behaved myself previously it all made sense to me at the time so it was a pretty big deal to me so what I wanted to do for

Pride, or what I was thinking about doing on Pride, is making like a coming out on social media. Nothing too grandiose or anything, maybe a post or something. However, it comes with the caveats because I live in a country which is not accepting of LGBT at all. And I feel like asexuality is not widely understood even in more liberal communities at all. So that's one thing to consider on the flip side of it all while this information is also bursting out of me and it kind of wants to be shared with the world because it was such a huge deal to me and understanding of myself there is also part of me that's saying hey this is very private maybe we shouldn't share it with the world maybe it's something to be kept closer to heart if you will so I'm on any given

day I'm kind of swaying between these two options and opinions within myself and I understand that you're not part of the LGBT community and but I still wanted to get your perspective on this on coming out and whether or not it needs to happen or is it something that you can just give to yourself and all of that so I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on this so thank you guys first of all i fucking love your accent i know like like read me porn like that was just like what's it called dipsy and and apply to be one of the narrators honestly do it um this is hard because i think you're right in everything that you're saying like i think that you don't have to come out if you don't want to. And I think the hardest part for this,

for you, I'm assuming is the fact that you, you sway back and forth of some days, like this is like this huge revelation. I didn't say. You said it correctly. You didn't say relevation. You said revelation. Revelation. We are not dancing. Um, so I think that there's this, like you said, that's like, it's bursting out of you that you really want to share because this has been so helpful for you and then there's the other part of you that like on like you're saying on other days you just like want to you feel like you should keep it private I think that you can do this is not helpful but like you can do whatever you want to do like I know people who never came out and like they're dating whoever they're dating and like or they're into whatever they're into and

like us as friends we know but like there was never a conversation and then I have other people I know who like had a like had made a big to-do of it which neither of them both of them are right and correct I think the thing that you need to assess and like maybe it's honestly just making a pro-con list for yourself the number one thing is safety like if you are in a place even if you're if you're saying you're not in a location where it's widely recognized or it's like approved of are you surrounded by people do you live with people do you have people in your life who you feel safe around and you know that if you said this and you told them this that it wouldn't put you in physical or like mental danger it wouldn't put you in harm's way

and then from there i think like if you're in an accepting bubble in this like bigger world that isn't for where you live i also think that like if you want to do a coming out you can like if you want to post on instagram just turn comments off or just turn it off for like people you're friends with or even on facebook in that kind of way like you can do that and not let other people feel like they have the right to have an opinion on who you are as a person because they don't like you can have an opinion on a lot of but like I don't think opinions on like things that have nothing on people I mean some people but like it's just if you can find a way to celebrate it in a way that you feel is like really great for you and maybe that even just means like telling

your close friends that's what I was gonna say having doing like a coming out to maybe your close friends and close family or people that you trust um come out to them and if like if you want like something to celebrate or or talk about because you said a lot of people don't talk about it then talk about to the people close to you it doesn't have to be to everyone yeah um because we all have follow people or have people follow us that aren't necessarily our friends that even at the end of the day they don't actually care about us you want maybe you just want the people that care and love you to know yeah because then they're invested in how how like eye-opening and like solidifying in your feelings and like understand this made you understand

yourself the people who also really know you they're gonna get that same feeling they'll be able to like be in that with you versus people who like are just fucking onlookers and don't know shit about you or your life um i also think you can even just like even if it's just like putting uh if i i'm not i'm not totally aware if there are because i know there's like there's the pride flag and i know there's the um uh the trends trends i think it's a transgender or the non-binary transgender for all of that stuff so i don't know if there's one specifically for um asexuality but if there's like any like even putting something like that in your bio or like those little things that like can make you just feel a little more I don't know a little like a little like you can

take those little steps without having to go all the way there but also if you want to go all the way there and you just feel like no one else has done it that you've really seen so you feel like you shouldn't feel this way or you feel like everybody feels this way but they just don't do it and like you're not supposed to do it there's no right way to do it like go with what is like the safe place for you and makes you feel the best and it's like the most authentic to you so I think honestly a pro-con list is like a really great way to do that like yeah fine figure out if the reason why you feel like you shouldn't need to talk about it is because some people feel like they don't need to talk about it but neither one of those things make the other one any less valid

Hey guys, so I'm 21 years old and I'm a Pisces. I've never been in a serious relationship. I used to have really low self-esteem. However, college has given me a lot more self-confidence, which has led me to explore a lot more sexually. However, I don't think I did this in the best way since I lost my virginity to a guy who didn't have good intentions and really did not care about me and has led me down a similar path with other guys. Now I feel like a hoe, like I'm always just like used for my body and I have a difficult time just saying no. I tend to sleep with guys after the first date because i want to come off as a chill girl but deep down i am very emotional so now that you guys have a backstory i met this guy that i was in a class with and then we matched

on tinder we ended up sleeping together and he'd spend the night often before we had to move home because of the pandemic i felt like we were on the same page i thought we had both liked each other a lot and we had continued to talk for a couple of months however even though we kept talking it never felt like it was going anywhere he has a tendency to come and go if he pleases leaves me on rest for days and has never asked me out on a real date i'm trying to cut things off with him however our past has made things difficult my question is how do i avoid this situation in the future because i do really want a relationship it just seems like the guys i'm attracted to never want the same things as me thank you

oh i am going to come at this not harsh way at all um i think that you're still insecure and I don't think that you I think that you feel like you're not anymore and that this was that thing that you still are and it's not that the guys that you're attracted to are this it's just that the guys who are kind of giving you this instant gratification are these guys and you're able to like right off the bat and I say this as like an extremely insecure person um when you seek out these like very typical fuck boy kind of dudes it's self-sabotage like you like in the back of your mind you know what's going to happen and it can be from an insecurity point of like i deserve this this is like what i deserve i deserve to be treated like this because like

i'm not happy with myself but then also it's a safe you've never been really it's a safe thing you know the outcome even if you don't necessarily like it's not the forefront of your mind like subconsciously you know what the outcome is going to be like it is safe you are doing the same thing over and over and over again and you know what the result is going to be and I think as much as you hate it I think subconsciously it's also comforting because it keeps you in that safe zone of I'm going to sleep with these guys on the first date and then it's not going to end well but I've know how that works like you don't have to be as vulnerable in that sort of sense and i think you really really really need to like evaluate the fact that like saying that like i

just like i like i'm having sex even though i don't want to because i want to be like a chill girl like that's like i hate that yeah i think you need to take a break in this quarantine time might be the perfect time to do it to evaluate not only just like what you want but like who are you because you're putting on a front to everyone to be who you think they want you to be and not who you actually are so take some time to yourself and see what you actually want from do you actually want a relationship and if you have if you're in a relationship what do you want from the guys because and what do you bring to the table yeah like what is like yeah yeah yeah what do you bring to the table and also like for this other this guy that you that you like liked and you thought

that the relationship was was going somewhere maybe it was but like you don't know how he's coping with how like the whole pandemic is and maybe you know like he does like you or did like you but this isn't just like the time that he wants to be in a relationship or get into a relationship so again just take the time for yourself yeah and stop trying to be chill like that is such a fucking it doesn't exist it doesn't fucking exist at all unless you are that person like you shouldn't be trying to be the cool part well then if you're a cool girl like i i it's not it's you don't have to like that's just who you are yeah and therefore it's not cool it's not cool it's just you yeah and that's like that i think you have like i'm so sex positive i am all for

having sex with like casual sex whatever you want to have sex with consensual sex like that is what i'm all about but you are having sex with people that you don't really want to have sex with because or even if you don't have sex with them at that time because you want to be cool and deem chill and cool and if you feel that pressure there i mean there's a societal pressure that i'll say is put on women in general so it might not even be these like boys putting it on you and making you feel like you need to do this it can just be like this narrative that we're supposed to do this and we're supposed to feel cool with this and it's totally supposed to be fine but then i would also evaluate like just like don't and then see what happens and if the guy's

like what like what do you mean oh then he's a tool and he was gonna be a tool whether you slept with him or not and now you know at first and i and then you're and it's not that's not and i think it can also be hard depending on like your college situation that that's how it seems like everybody gets together but it's not always like it can be it can happen for some people but if you are doing whatever if you're not wanting to have sex with these guys don't have sex with them and if that makes you not chill then fucking cool i'm not chill you're not chill the thing is she's not chill she's just trying to pretend that she's chill yeah yeah don't sleep with guys because you just think it's the right thing to do and then saying that you're a hoe like you're putting that

in a derogatory term like yeah like you can be a hoe and be proud of being a hoe but like a hoe should only be used as an empowering yeah but you're using it as a derogatory term because you're sleeping with a bunch of guys that you don't necessarily want to be sleeping with so like I said you've just got to refrain your mindset and figure out who you are and what you want yeah because it's not that you're attracted to these wrong guys you're also putting on this you're attracting people who you're putting on this front and it's attracting these people who match with that front so when you put on this like casual sex I'm like I'm a chill girl the guys who are going to approach you and the guys who like are going to pursue that

and you're gonna like talk to are guys who are looking for the same thing yeah but i think that we think that and i got an argument on instagram with some girl who likes i'm like well why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free and i'm like no one says that about dudes no one is like dude like like no like you can't sleep with her because then she'll like never date you like it's and i know plenty of guys that won't that don't want to have sex on the first date like i know plenty of guys who are like and if a girl was very casual about it they'd be like oh i'm into you i need to back off but we have this idea that like men are these like hypersexual like super strong things and all they want to do is fuck and women are just these like crazy

emotional things we're just trying to nail a dude down it's like how do i trap a dude but like men can be vulnerable they can be emotional they can have feelings they cannot want to sleep around and women can be like fuck these feelings i want to get like i want to get my fucking like pussy wet and like it's all fine but i think if you're in a circle where it does feel like it's very much these gender norms it might feel like there is one path to go about this and one path to do this and there's not like there's it doesn't have to be like that but you're right you have to take that step back and that break and also the advice i give everybody if you want to be in a relationship have that in your fucking dating profile and have that be a topic of conversation that's within the

first five fucking messages you exchange with someone what are you looking for because you know what they're gonna like nine times out of ten everyone's gonna be honest like some and this happens all the time where guys tell you that they're trash and it's because they're trash and it's because they want you to know they're laying their cards on the table and hey i'm i'm i'm not really looking for relationship like i'm a piece of shit like i'm a really bad boyfriend they mean that that's what they mean and then when like three months down the road when it's we're wondering why it hasn't been working out they can loop back to that and be like i told you yeah and i think a lot of us get caught up in this thing is like well every guy they don't they they they say they don't

want a relationship at first, but then, you know, they'll eventually fall for me. Um, because you know, on dating profiles, most of the dudes, they're going to tell you, they're like, I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want to fuck. And then, and those are the ones that are giving you the attention right off the bat. And so you're going to be, you're wanting to get that attention. So you're going to go after those types of guys, but you've got to take a step back. Yes. And you've got to take a step back and be like, you know what? I may not be like into, I mean, most of these dudes that I'm matching with and that are giving me all this attention, I've got to like be more selective and say, no, like this is not what I want and keep working at it until you find

the guy that you want, because who you're going to put your time and invest in, that's going to be the one that you're going to get the greatest return of investment on. Yeah. And I think like i again know guys who have gone on dating apps and have said and i have friends who've been in relationships from dating apps and like when asked very in the very early messages what are you looking for i'm looking for a relationship and like but yeah if the guy who has like all these fucking like like shirtless mirror pics whose first message is like sup hottie no like that's exactly like it and like those again like when you're insecure those are the instant gratification dudes and it it hits that dopamine right off the bat and you're like oh my gosh i love it and it's

not but it's just not that and what i will also say is this idea that you can like change a dude you can't and i've i've given this lecture to like one of my friends before because their type is not good and i fucking and i had to like basically tell them i was like and took well no it's like they don't want a relationship now it's like i don't want a relationship now either but like i'd like to get to know somebody and then be in a relationship. And I was like, okay, here's what like us, like women in general tend to do. It's like, we're logical. We're like, okay, yeah, I would like a relationship, but like, I feel weird telling this guy right off the bat, I'd like a relationship because I don't necessarily want a relationship with him. I want to get to

know him. And like, I want to like build that up. So you downplay it and that you don't want to come across as like this clingy girl. So you're like, oh, I'm just like, like, just like looking to get to know you and a guy versus a guy. If he says that he is not looking for a relationship and he is like not looking for anything serious that just that's a period statement where women it's like a dot dot dot i'd like to get to know you see where it goes right the guy they've made up their mind ahead of time if they want to be in a relationship they'll be in a relationship but it doesn't matter how much you win them over in your hookup or whatever you're doing that's not going to change their mindset because their mindset is no not dating

this is turned off like i'm just having fun and then it's like they fucking flip the light switch on and then they look for a girlfriend and this is me saying it from being friends with like straight dudes where these girls can be great that they're hooking up with they're awesome but if they don't want a relationship and that girl falls into this time period of me not pursuing a relationship you're not going to be in a relationship with that girl and there's exceptions to the rule and everybody thinks that they're fucking exception to the rule and you're not you can't change a guy and you shouldn't want to be with a guy that you can change no because he doesn't want the same thing as you and that's what a relationship is like you like each other yes but there's this

compatibility and if your compatibility is resting on the fact that you're kind of just like teetering and like hoping that eventually he'll match where you're at and you're downplaying your feelings that whole time like it's just fucking fake like the whole thing is fucking fake and also the right guy will never be scared away by you saying that you're looking for a relationship that's just not a fucking thing and it's like well i don't want to come off too then you're weeding out all the people you should be fucking weeding out if you're not gonna say this stuff because you don't want to weed people out it's because you're afraid like you're afraid of like you want to keep those bodies around and you want to keep that because like it's possibility and

it's what if and if you never get a solid answer you can give yourself the answer you want in your head and it's so much better to just fucking slash through sweat and like get it fucking done and then find the person that you want to be with do we have another one we've got an update update what is this from this is from season 5 episode 24 the original caller she was 16 years old and met this guy on a boat named bob that um was 35 i believe and was wondering if it was weird now she's about i think 18 now and now she's like weird is it weird that she's wants to remain friends with him and her boyfriend thinks it's weird hi i'm calling to a little i don't know if it's an update but just some extra information

um i had called in and was on the last episode that you did um about the man who's 35 that i called bob who was uh met me when i was 16 and he's part of my family um so my mother was there when we had the interaction on the boat and another fun fact of all this insanity um is that that night after he did find out how old I was pretty fast because I was very honest about that pretty quickly after I realized that he was hitting on me um I kind of casually brought it up a conversation that yeah I'm 16 I'm still in high school um and he then proceeded to get extremely drunk which i learned later that he hadn't drank in over seven years um he's a struggling alcoholic and he proceeded to get extremely blackout drunk on that boat where when

he left he was actually arrested which i didn't realize um or find out that until later but he got really drunk that night on the boat and he ended up making out with my mother right next to me um because he said that if he couldn't have me then he would have her which i um and actually no long communication with him after listening to your advice and then just looking back on that um then our all of our interactions i realized that it was extremely fucked up and that should have never happened um that he's pretty much just a terrible human for doing that and especially i mean till i was 20 years old having that interaction it's just really fucked up but he uh i don't think I will be going to any of the family functions that he may be at.

We didn't get together that much anyways, but there were definitely family things that he was going to be at that I am no longer going to be going to. And my mother did support it the entire time, which I realized was bad, but pretty much I didn't hide it from anyone in my life. My friends supported it. My mom supported it,

which I now know is really bad. She definitely was like, I don't know. It's a little weird, but like I really like him as a person it's fine um but yeah I do realize that's really fucked up and that should have never happened and yeah the we have cut off all communication so I do appreciate you sharing that with me so yeah I just wanted to give a little bit of an update and I hope that kind of cleared some things up thanks bye wow I'm like this is such as like a

a switch though it yeah it's odd because sometimes I mean there's a lot of times that we were we say that when people call in it feels like they're asking for our permission and like your mindset from like how I interpreted that first call was so like it was just defensive and it was just like it was justifying and all of that stuff and this is just like a complete complete 180 so i yeah i'm i i'm just like i'm happy that you have like come to these realizations and you've cut him out of your life but i'm i think i'm also just like kind of surprised and yeah it does make me wonder i think that her because her boyfriend was against it so i think he had already been in her ear and she thought that he might have been in the wrong because all these people around her were saying

no it's totally fine but he's saying it and then us as strangers who know nothing about it are saying like no this isn't cool then she got like confirmation um and realization that this isn't a situation that she should have been in in the first place yeah and i think also it's the knowing the stuff about like your family and your friends and your mom. I think that's the kind of stuff that he is an isolated incident, but that behavior and like endorsing that behavior and being okay with it in through the other relationships in your life. I'm, I'm, I'm assuming I'm sure that kind of hit some hit home for you in more places

than just this. And it kind of adds, it adds up once you're like, Oh, huh like this is not just this one-time thing in it and it's it obviously has so much to do with him but i think it also has a ton to do with uh yeah the normalizing of having these people that you're in your life that you're supposed to care about and like love and trust and they're supposed to like care and love and trust you realizing that this big thing that is so weird was endorsed by them and you're not at a consenting age of i honestly have anything like we don't know what to like you can't vote at 13 like you don't know what to believe you can't smoke 16 no you're in 16 that you're in school like you're learning and you're being told by adults you're still

learning right and wrong and you're being told that by adults and so then when that that becomes very skewed it's fucking confusing and it can really factor into like it does the choices that you make because yeah you're not you you don't know any better but all the adults do oh i mean like i'm i'm so happy for you that like you're in a good relationship and that regardless where this relationship goes that this has been um an eye-opening thing for like you moving forward with your life but like i'm so sorry that this is like the the like the like the the hand that you were dealt and that yeah and everybody was normalizing this around you and it sucks but i think the just know that it can be hard when it feels like nine to nine percent are like that and

your boyfriend is the one percent but you just stumbled upon and like were born into this group of people that like that's not the norm and just know that like all of the comments from this like from that episode and like everybody talking about it like you are you are so not yeah you just got the wrong group of people but it doesn't that's not they don't speak for everybody at all at all at all and also it makes time if that was like the family that you grew up in then the friends that you make, that makes sense. Like it, it all makes sense. And we always recommend therapy and we did so much for you, but like, I really, really, really would recommend it because going through those like formidable years and not learning, not, not being looked out for

and cared for in the way that is essential for your developmental, like mental growth. Like it is so important to then go to a therapist and really work all of that stuff out and figure out and i don't want to say like grow up because this is all something that i do in therapy a lot it's like unlearning these behaviors and things that you were taught in like a not supportive or a toxic environment and it will wholeheartedly make the rest of your life and relationships so much better but god oh and he fucking made out with your mom i can't not not uh-huh made up with his mom with her mom made out if he can't have her she's the next best thing that is awful it's disgusting we need to collect all of these men yeah at like 16 you didn't you

thought he was like i don't even know what you think but like you're naive at that age and you're you had all these other adults in the room that you were looking towards and getting thinking that you were getting like guidance and the right answers but now that you look back on it it's wrong oh god i'm sorry yeah it's fucking oh i do want to collect all of the men like i just want to say we have had a string of some awful men some awful men in these last couple episodes i want to take them all and put them in like a fucking pit and just out put them on a spaceship and just yeah oh oh oh oh this is just yeah but i'm i'm i'm happy that you you sound you sound sure of yourself which is also a very hard thing when you've grown up with

bad influences it's really you it becomes hard to not necessarily tell between right and wrong but my therapist says it with like questioning my own reality that like when you you have to unlearn all these behaviors and this mindset and everything like that and you're doing that as an adult and it can be like it's like muscle memory and that sort of stuff so i think when you can speak with such like conviction and like decision with like how you're like how you're moving forward and how you're feeling now and like all of that that's already like such an accomplishment and a milestone and just like take it day by day and i like promise you that you're going to come out the other end and feel so happy that that you you you've been able to like

i promise you're gonna have a fantastic fucking group of friends you're gonna have like a great like found family and all of that stuff and it's going to feel so rewarding because you did that that wasn't just something that you were born into and you got handed like you worked your ass off for that and you're gonna get it and that's like an amazing fucking feeling and stay with that feeling too don't don't try to let these other outside forces sway you into believing something that you don't actually believe i can't believe i can't believe it got crazier like i can't believe it i know i hate this man also like did he drink because she was 16 like he hadn't had a drink in seven years that's projecting as fuck to be like and also who

told you that did he tell you that manipulative did your mom tell you that manipulative right Like, it's putting the blame on you. Also, he was married. He was married at this time, too. Where was she? Moral of the story, don't go on cruises. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay.

Nasty. Well, guys, that is it for our episode. If you guys want to call in for an upcoming one, you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976. six international listeners, you can send us an audio message at Megan podcast at gmail.com and, uh, follow us on Instagram. We are so close to 10 K, which means we can do swipe up links. Please follow, um, please follow us there. You can follow our individuals. Um, my, uh, book is out. You're not special. There's an audio book too. Lots of, lots of all that stuff. Just check

the description. Anything else that we want to say? We'll see you guys next time. Goodbye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me. Executive produced by Melissa DeMonts. Camera operator, Amanda Lechner. And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.