Don't Blame Me! - S6E20: Thank You For What? w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: overly sensitive button Annoying roommates Ex-boyfriend having a baby with his ex Being taken seriously at the doctor Don't Blame Them: writing songs about exes   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. This is a podcast where we take your calls and we give you advice, some fantastic, wonderful, honest advice that, you know, is ranging on a lot of topics. We talk about sex, relationships, friendships, family um you know we yell at you for leaving your house during the pandemic and everything and anything in between so we are basing all of our own advice on our life experiences because you know contrary to what you may uh be thinking as you see melissa my amazing co-host in a cheetah print t-shirt and me in my unicorn shirt these people are not licensed professionals no not what you would you could have fucking fooled me we are giving our advice only from our own

life experiences and we give advice like we would give advice to each other or we give advice to our friends we are very honest we're blunt we're not about sugarcoating everything but we're doing it for you we're doing it out of love tough love kate gosling is kate gosling problematic john and kate plus a but the whole thing is problematic i feel like the whole thing is problematic the whole thing is probably you're right i mean as a whole it's problematic and i think therefore she would probably fall into the problem was she giving people advice no but she was about tough love was her thing oh i well i don't i watched it like on and off i never like just sat down yeah oh i was addicted i don't know why also you're a child aren't you like the same

age as her children the older ones that was close to their age maddie i think she's a couple years younger than me um but uh yeah we're giving it all from our own uh personal advice and our own life experiences so we might be a little bit cunty but we're cunty for the greater good for good yes that's for good i am your host megan ranks joined by my co-host and producer the most fantastic fabulous and the person who literally makes this podcast run and is the glue melissa de monts oh thank you megan you are the glue without you glitter i oh my god i know that's a saying but like i do feel seen by that i feel very seen by that i definitely think of myself as the accoutrements rather than like the actual like protein or sustainability things

the real sustenance um and if you're noticing hey megan you seem a little bit out of it um i have really bad period cramps if you've been around here for a while um suspected to have endometriosis and we almost had to cancel this recording session today because i was dying barfing like losing my mind ripping my insides out it's so sad and i'm sorry you have to go through it i recorded a video on my phone i like texted moss because he was golfing and i was like dude because this is what happens every month i have horrible cramps it's like the worst week ever and then as soon as i feel better i don't want to think about it anymore so i like don't call to make an appointment with a new gynecologist and like this the past two months have been so so supremely bad that i was

like recorded a video on my phone and i like to like tell myself i was like you are fucking going as soon as your period is over as soon as you feel better you are calling a gynecologist and i texted bots and like said the exact same thing so um if you are watching this i don't know if you'll be able to pick up on listening it but if you're watching this and i seem on patreon on patreon hello everybody um you know i might uh look a little bit out of it you know medical marijuana is a great fucking thing but um when you have to have so much to like feel somewhat normal if you look at my eyes and you're like damn is that bitch high a little bit and it's fine it's legal it's california and i would like you to sit your judgmental asses down if you're passing

judgment because i'm passing clots so shut the fuck up oh my gosh oh my gosh all i have to say is i need you to remember who convinced you to go to the gynecologist first time yeah so why didn't you send me the video so that i could be the one to tell you to go to the doctor well you're here right now so you are here to hold me i mean truly what good i what like productive and like good things have i done that you haven't been involved in honestly not much i mean i think you survived the first like 23 years of your life no but like if i think about even like you were one of the people who like convinced me to start wearing my hair natural embracing my wavy hair there you go every like literally everything

like you're the one who like is like oh oh well it's safe for fucking life everything and in between i'm like okay i mean when i'm like i have nothing to do i'm so stressed i hate my life and you're like hey this is a new project we're gonna do and i'm like oh okay it's it's great between you and moss i'm like i just feel like i get shuffled around places and i love it i love to be shuffled around i'm like a deck of cards if you guys want to call and leave a voicemail you can leave a voicemail for us at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you need to make sure that your voicemail voice memo whatever you do is under three minutes long so we suggest writing it down and then reading it out loud you

can time it that way and it's also a great way to know if you are including all the right details you can cut out any unnecessary things and things that are necessary it's we i mean it is a common theme in this podcast that there are calls where we are missing large chunks of things and we have a lot of questions and there's a lot of stuff that i didn't need to know like we usually do not need to know how big someone's dick is unless that is about like yeah of them ruining or ruining your pussy in a good or bad way yes that's the only time we need to know how big someone's dick is or how good they are in bed unless it's about sex we don't really need to know it we don't need to you don't need to justify it of why you're dating a fuck boy we've all been there but before we get

into our calls we have a live update so let's hop on over all right so this is from season five episode 23 and i believe the title of the episode was the caller yes like oh my god what an honor i know i was i thought i was like because i had called in and then i saw an episode and i was like this has to be me that's such a cool feeling i don't know if we've ever talked to someone i don't think i've ever even thought about that or talked to any like callers who have in like the title episode i'm honored oh i would be too thank you all right so if you can give us a summary of your original call and then share your update so essentially i had called in because i had hooked up with this guy and he was only the second person i had sex with and for me as the

title said I just have an overly sensitive button and that's what we had to censor it as I loved it and I'm using it because it doesn't feel weird so and I think it's more of just like a I know how I like it and guys aren't gonna know that so it really comes down to a communication thing which is kind of what you guys had told me and that's what I really needed to hear is like this isn't like something to do with my body it's something to do with like how I'm communicating with my partners and the guy that I hooked up with is like a way better sexual partner as far as communication goes than my ex-boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend just didn't communicate was he the first was he your first yes yeah were you his first too no okay he just sucked okay

I mean that's pretty common like yeah no he was my first but I wasn't his and he just wasn't great all around so yeah so the whole smashing the patriarchy thing really I think like is what drove me because I was like yes this isn't just me like this is a whole expectation we have for women is just to like show up to the bedroom and do it and however we get that's how it is and that's not how it should be and so when I hooked up with this partner again I was a bit more verbal and I felt really good and when I called in for my update I was just like hyped and I really wanted to share it with you guys hell yes um so how did you communicate with your new partner is it your boyfriend or a new hookup it's just it's just a friend even better

yeah even better I think I said buffer but better what you meant so I I don't know if you guys would like maybe you guys did mention I haven't listened to the call since I called in and listened to the episode because it feels weird to listen to myself yeah um but I think you guys might have mentioned like talking about it before but like him and I just like I just was like we're not gonna do that so it was more like in the moment I was just like hey don't do this do this try this wait no not that this so it was just kind of like correcting as it was happening and he took it really well it was like okay like let me let me do that so that's what I did and that's what I feel like i'll probably do with future partners um just because it's a little less awkward than

being like hey by the way like when we get down to it here are your notes before it happens again you don't get a good PowerPoint presentation before it even happens i'll do that right after we get off this call yeah but the great thing is though is it only ever takes like if we talk about it specifically just like in heterosexual like cis straight relationships it only takes like the first person and usually like the girl in the relationship to like or whoever hooking up with like to give like the hey this isn't really what works and then this and this and this and then that guy then will take that information if he's not an asshole and like well then every other partner he sleeps with is like hey what are you into what do you like because oh okay it's not

just like porn i just like stick it in it's all fucking great like it's just so much so much better that way and i i think it's also kind of like charity work like you're doing all of the other people that they'll sleep with a massive favor right i think about all of the guys that i like never fucking corrected and just was like yeah i loved it it was great and i'm like are you like 30 now and like not making girls come like like like you can't even mean i'm like when did you learn that that was like not how this works or like how to like ask what your partner is into yeah and i think like with the guy that i hooked up with like i honestly feel like he knows what he's doing but like he doesn't have that like he hasn't made the full circle like asking because

he's just like oh i know and i'm like but if you ask then you'll actually know and then everyone will have a great time and also like we said in the original call no guys are afraid most guys aren't afraid of like if giving you like a full-blown seminar as you're sucking their dick of like being like in the whole tutorial like hey guys welcome back to my channel and you're like down like they are not they're fine doing that usually i'm like why is it not come on like we have to be able to do the exact same thing like and i think it's a little i mean i've never gone down on like a vagina before but like as someone like who possesses a vagina i'm like this is a little more confusing than there's a lot of flaps and crevices and jiggles and holes yeah you can't

see you're going into like a cave versus like a boulder i don't know what you're talking about I always have a ring light right over my clit. Yeah, that's part of the power of planets in the 70s. Yes. I could never. Or like one of those things like when milers wear the strap that goes around your head that has the flash light. Stop. I can't really just take a look down there.

I brought a red light. Well, thank you so much for calling back. And thanks so much for your original call. it was i think it's such a important thing that like we don't talk about and i mean we talk about on the podcast like a fuck ton sex but as women as a whole yeah like that's kind of why i had called in is because i like had a couple friends where i was like i feel comfortable like coming to you with this but it's like one i knew didn't have this experience and two kind of is judgmental so i was like i'm just gonna call the podcast gals and i know that they'll know what to say

and you guys did we love it well thank you so much i'm so glad that you listen and all of that stuff thank you guys so we're gonna get into the calls but before we do that if you are listening to this episode and you're like yo bitches where's the video you might not know and this is us telling you that we have moved our videos over to patreon under a one dollar tier so that's one dollar for four videos sometimes five videos a month there's five mondays in a month then you're in five videos for one dollar one singular dollar and um it would really you know make our lives if you went over to our patreon we also have other tiers we've got a five dollar tier if you would like to join in for live streams and other fun stuff like that but the videos just for one dollar

let's get into this i'm calling because i have i need some advice about my roommate so last year i'm a junior in college and last year we dorms together so it's obviously one room and then we had communal bathrooms that we shared and we got along really well so we decided to live together again this year she's practically my best friend so we have an apartment this year we have a living room one bedroom and a bathroom it's just the two of us here and she's been driving me absolutely crazy um which has never been a problem before but I just feel like every move I make she questions me if we're both sitting on the couch and I get up to even go to the bathroom she's like oh my god where are you going and are you going in the room are you doing homework somewhere else um

and every time I make food I it's just constant like hovering over me um and what I'm doing constantly wants to know every little thing that I'm doing and I hate that about living at home because I know like it comes from a good place but my parents always do that to me at home so that's why I was kind of looking forward to coming back to college and just being independent again And when people hover over me like that, I just feel kind of claustrophobic. I feel uncomfortable. And I don't know how to nicely say to her that she's annoying the shit out of me. So, yeah, if you have any advice for me, and please let me know what you think I should do.

Because I'm not a very confrontational person. I don't know if I said this yet, but I am a Libra. So I don't like to confront people. And, yeah, thanks. i just want to start by saying what i always start saying when it's a roommate issue don't room with your friends ever ever ever ever ever ever because then you don't have that barrier of you being rude because you can just be rude yeah and not ruin a friendship i think there's like a certain kind of friend who can live together like i think that like it is either

your absolute best friend sit like and you've been friends for a while like that's like more like when it's that type of best friend they're like your sibling at that exactly so you don't have to be on your best behavior around you can still be rude that's the thing it has to be like either you're so close and it is like you're you're sibling and you can be like say whatever and it's not rude because that's your relationship or like there's this weird thing of feeling like we like owe someone an explanation when we're like just friends we're not like so close we're siblings and we're not just like friendly and roommates i mean this is hard because like there is i think she just might think you guys are closer than you are and i think like she might

because i i would be it's like if sydney and i were hanging out and she just like got up and like where are you going like like to the bathroom i mean i wouldn't ask maybe i'm just like maybe i'm like in such a weird because we haven't left our houses in so long and i haven't seen anybody besides mons that like if mons gets up and goes like if he just like will rant but it just depends on what he's doing like if he's cooking i'm like oh what are you making like but i don't want to walk in there and i'm like hi hello but like if he just like gets up you're like where are you going what are you doing no only if he like is going downstairs i'm like what are you doing yeah but it's not like hey what are you doing like what

the fuck are you like where are you going yeah so no i think it's just odd okay so she said it's did she say they share a bedroom because she said one bedroom i think she did yeah i mean truthfully this just seems uh like not to get like psychoanalyzing your roommate but i just i mean here's the thing she's either just annoying like as a person like her personality is just like annoying and you didn't really notice it before um or she's like an anxiously attached person and is like it's just an innate response to things that like i like i understand that like that's something that like i have to like work on but um it i yeah i've never really known that in like friendships i usually know it more in like relationships as being like a thing

but if you guys are really close you consider her basically one of your best friends you have to talk about this otherwise like you're gonna snap you're gonna bite her fucking head off i mean i would um i mean it's it's hard though because literally like what do you say here we do role play right okay great you're being her because like i don't even know what the caller or the yeah the collar because i don't know what to say without being a cunt okay okay so i'm getting up i'm going to the bathroom hey where are you going i'm just going to the bathroom uh you know you don't have to ask me every time i get up like we're in a pandemic i'm either like going to class if i have to or i'm staying here in the apartment i was just going to the bathroom

oh okay oh oh i have an idea this is not me being that i broke character okay but what if like when you're saying like what I think exactly like that is right but then when you say that and it's like hey how about this if I'm going somewhere or doing something like I'm gonna if I decide that I'm going to like if you're doing something that is going to like affect if you guys were watching a movie and you're done watching the movie like and you just get up and leave and just like and then she's like oh she's going to bathroom or she's not coming back what if you say something along the lines of like hey but if we're watching a movie or we're doing something or if I was gonna go just like if I change my mind with what I want to do I'll let you know but if I just get up and

like go do something like i'm coming do what i mean like something where along the lines of like because that's what i don't i like if you want to go do your homework somewhere else this is the thing that i'm coming from if i'm being the roommate i think what you're what she's doing is super annoying but if you guys are doing homework together on the dining room table and then you suddenly pack up all of your stuff and just go upstairs how do you read that that I'm done like I just okay yeah but I'm not I'm probably more like the caller totally you might be more like the and I'm just like I'm done I'm gonna go upstairs but would you say that probably not okay so I think maybe I guess well no because I think like I depending

on how close i felt with like the person like i if she has like gone from having some like not so great friendships or whatever like she might be thinking like oh she like is upset with me and doesn't want to like go do she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore something like that that's what i would pick up from like if you guys are watching a movie and you suddenly just get up and go upstairs and like don't say anything and you don't come back down or if you're doing if you're doing an activity together and then suddenly you just start like disappearing out it's kind of like oh like are we okay like we're like are you annoyed or whatever I could see that but then the whole like she follows you into the kitchen to like say ask what you're making and

doing all that that to me is that doesn't line up with oh I'm anxious about you or nervous that like our friendship it like you're mad at me or something like that to me it doesn't seem like that so I would just say you I would like maybe even not when it happens like because I think that I mean I would personally feel a little bit more uncomfortable doing it as it's happening I would just say like have a like either text her if you feel comfortable or like sit down with her and be like hey I love living with you I think you're so so great and like we have so much fun um I want to say that I don't think this is your intention at all but like when I get up and go do something and you ask me what I'm doing or I'm in the kitchen you keep asking me like I say this

and like I'm not trying to be a bitch at all but like it does kind of remind me of my mom and like I like love you like I like love our relationship and I like like love being your roommate and that stuff but i just would love if we can just kind of like be able to have like our own independent things that we're doing and if there's something that uh involves you or affects you that i'm like gonna go do or something or if we if i have like frustrated with you or i have an issue with you like just know that i will come to you with that and so if you're checking in on me or like asking you about this stuff because you're worried if we're okay like just know that we are i will totally talk to you about it if we're not but i would um just love to be able to kind of like you

know live in the apartment and do everything that i want to do without like kind of giving you it's like massy block in the clickbooks which uh she says something like did i invite you to my barbecue claire no then why are you all up in my grill and then she says things like i don't have to give you like a play-by-play like what is this football like i don't think you have to do something like that what is this it's some book you other people understand the clickbooks it just made a whole generation of girls absolute cunts me and jerry included it's very much our thing um but i think if you can just cover the base that maybe she might feel like anxious that you are upset with her or something and throw that in there i think like and say like hey i'll talk to you if

we do have a problem but um i think like yeah if you play it off and kind of like i tell her it kind of reminds me of your mom like i think that's valid communication communication is key and you like her so i don't think you're gonna hurt her feelings uh intentionally and also her feelings on this subject like this is a totally valid thing like if her feelings are hurt that's not like it's not your problem and it's not your responsibility to be and like take in that annoyance and just like let it happen for the sake of like not making her feel like bad or uncomfortable because at the end of the day it will just backfire and like you will snap absolutely snap all right time for the next one let's do it

hi megan and melissa i'm 23 years old and i am dating a 27 year old boy man uh what so we've been dating for five years we have a five month old together it's our first child um recently and it's been brought up to both of our attention is that um we never thanked his aunt for a baby shower gift which happened back in march so six months ago um and a baby she well we never got a gift from her so i'm a little confused on what she wants us to thank her for um but i mean we never demand gifts no gifts no problem i mean there's just no pressure to it um anyway the baby shower had some of my family his mom dad and sister and then majority of our friends and co-workers um so one she you know she wants a thank you card for

not giving a gift and she wants a thank you card for not attending she never attended the baby shower um so I'm a little confused on what she wants us to even thank her for yeah I don't know I want her I want this to make sense I don't I don't understand any thing um but clearly i mean unless i'm overthinking this the mom and the aunt i think we're talking shit about me and the and my boyfriend because it's six months later and she wants something that i mean shouldn't like doesn't deserve i mean that's me she didn't give a gift and she didn't attend so she wants a thank you card for something um her and i have never really been close him my boyfriend and her have never been close so she's uh really taking it to

a new level I mean from never talking to now wanting something that I don't think that she should get I don't know it's a simple thank you card so whatever I can write some shit up and whatever but it's just like the concept of it all it's like we don't really know you and we don't know what we're thanking you for because you didn't do the two things that require a thank you card i don't know whatever um love you guys maybe i'm being dramatic and overthinking it but um love your input thanks guys bye if you're not watching the video we're cracking up because this is this woman is so fucking dumb like i know old bitches love a thank you card like a handwritten thank you card but like you have to do something thank you for being alive

thank you for having part of the baby's dna like this reminds me the tiktok you did this for what yeah like i can't make it make sense somebody please make it make sense like the only logical thing which to be fair i don't even when i'm gonna say what i say is not what i think actually happened but the only logical explanation would be that like she did send a gift later on and you guys never got it but i don't think that's what happened like i truly don't think so even when people like send a gift they still like say hey did you get it or like check the tracking i know yeah you would follow up with that and like unless she's like so so petty and like maybe she lives close by and like just dropped it off and like just assumed that like you guys like would know

it was from her or something like that like even like when like you send flowers to like a funeral like i like texted my like aunt was like hey like hope or text my cousin and i was like hey like if these don't come with like i put a thank you card but if these don't come so they say like let me like and if they don't arrive let me know and like i'll send something else blah blah blah or you do it with like friends i mean sometimes i'll forget with like friends birthdays but then like with jerry's birthday but then she texts me and she goes this is from you i already know and i was like oh yeah shit forgot to like include that but i like here's the thing i think that it's like when you're saying like oh yeah i'll just like write the thing right what are you

gonna write in it that's what i'm like that's what's holding me back it's not like thank you for breathing and thank you for having part of the baby's dna that's what you write maybe you just send her a greeting card thinking of you thinking of maybe you send her a thinking of you card with a picture of the baby yeah maybe you're petty though oh yeah that or maybe you're petty and you send a thinking of you card and you send a picture of the baby and say really wish you could have attended the shower yes yes because like it is a little odd and like i don't even know when you said that like his sister i mean uh her sister like it was march two things were starting to get shut down we don't know what was happening oh no no but i was gonna say if you

think that they were talking shit about her like what would they be talking shit about i don't know like are you close with like you're like yeah i would ask because it seems like it's his mom's sister so ask your boyfriend to ask his mom and be like hey did she send a gift that we didn't get like if she's asking for because i'm assuming the reason why you know she wants a thank you gift is through his mom and so then i would have your boyfriend ask his mom again and be like hey you know we like looked over everything and like i don't we never i mean she didn't come to the shower but like we didn't get a gift from her like can you like did she send something that like might have gotten like lost in the mail like we obviously don't want to be rude but like

and then if she says oh no she didn't and then i would just have like this is your boyfriend's problem i have your boyfriend like okay so what does she want a thank you card for right like what it thank you for thanks for nothing bitch yeah like that's what i think thank you for nothing is literally what you would send i'm dying though this is like the epitome of a fucking boomer to me okay well i think the consensus is um have your boyfriend yeah figure out that stuff and then decide if you want to be petty and i think if you decide to be petty also make sure your boyfriend is okay with that because it's it is his family um and then a um thinking of you card wish you could have attended our baby shower yeah with a picture of the baby or just

a drawing of the baby or like you and the baby yeah or like you with just like the tip of the baby's head with an emoji over the face that would be so fucking funny i die i die this is wild if anyone has any similar stories like this i would love to know because like this is just like i don't know why this entertained me so funny we were giggling i don't know two little school girls who were just told the funniest joke in the world this is a joke i can't remember the last time i laughed so hard like this is just so fucking funny to me uh and you're not being dramatic and you're not being any like i'm dead it's iconic fucking insane um okay we're gonna take a quick break and we're getting to the rest of our calls

okay guys we are back from our break and we're gonna get to the rest of our calls hi guys how are you um my name's i'm calling from um but i wanted to like just ask for some advice basically so um today one of my friends sent me one of my friends was like hey do you follow your ex still and i was like no obviously i don't um and she sent me his post and he posted that he's having a baby with, um, the girl he always told me not to worry about. And we broke up like about a year ago. Um, and I knew he got back with her, this girl, uh, they were dating before we dated. So she's his ex. Um, and I knew he got back with her like last fall, um, because we kind of had talked about getting back together. And then I heard some things and confronted him and asked

that they've gotten back together and he said yes um so it's been like about a year now since all that went down but I'm still like finding myself very like confused and kind of like upset like I don't really know and I'm only 22 he's older but I feel like I'm not at the age yet where I should be having to deal with like exes having kids and getting married and stuff like that um and like this is literally something I've never had to go through before. So I'm just kind of wondering if you have any advice for like what to do or how to feel. I know there's like literally nothing I can do,

but like how to feel better and kind of move on. Just like having a fucking kid. That's insane to me. When like a year ago we were talking about getting back together. So yeah, I would love some advice or some like words of wisdom or something. If you've ever been through the same thing or, you know,

just ways to cope and feel better so thank you guys i love you and yeah hope you guys are staying safe okay thanks bye we're 100 staying safe thank you we hope you're staying safe too yes this is weird as fuck but is it no but i would feel weird as fuck i would feel weird but i think okay so like the baby thing and it it might not have been planned or it was but he told you not to worry about her that right there is like a key sign for worrying about somebody or you should worry but like and he dated her before he dated you too yeah um and then they got back together and you knew that they were together so um i don't you i don't think you still have feelings for him but it's just like the fact that he said

one thing to you and now he has a baby by the person i mean i think if you can reframe it as opposed to because i think that's exactly what it is it's like that feeling of being like wow this whatever like this is what like you told me not to worry about this girl but like what if you try and reframe it like wow go me my intuition is so right i knew and like as like kudos to you as opposed to like a wow i can't believe he like lied to me it's like look how good look how fucking perceptive i am like i knew this is going to happen this is like a kudos to me that like my intuition is great and like when i'm in another relationship like i like have all this proof that i need to just trust my gut and when there's like that oh the girl he told me like not to worry

about or whatever if you truly stopped worrying about her you would never think of her again and you would have never like in this situation you wouldn't even remember that she was the girl like not to worry about like you kept that in the back of your mind regardless if you were like okay like i'm not you still were like you still were cognizant you were still aware it was you kept that log in your brain and now it's kind of like here you go like you were right all along and so I think if you can kind of re try and reframe that in your mind, um, as like a, yeah, again, as like a, a kudos for you versus like a knock on you for like dating someone who would do this to you. Because I think like this, like it definitely sucks. And I think I, especially

being 22, um, and in the location where we're going to bleep all of that out, but the location where you say that you live, like, it's not really a thing that people are getting married super young and having babies super young and all of that and i'm sure none of your friends are going through this and so it is just kind of a we call this me and my friends we call this weird mood this is just a definition of like a weird mood and it doesn't mean that you have feelings for him and it doesn't mean that there's like all like this unrequited or something like really deep to it it just is like weird like stop like this is just fucking weird mood and when something's weird mood you just avoid it and eventually you get over it but like you don't it's not even

something to get over it's something you acknowledge that it's fucking weird but like it doesn't need to affect your life in this way at all but it's it's just a weird thing that happened that is fucking odd and eventually i'm sure your friends will be able to relate like and eventually like i don't have any friends none of my exes are as far as i know none of my exes are married or anything like that but like you know eventually when they do I'm sure it will be weird and like that will eventually happen with your friends and then it's not like not only are you the only one with like an ex who like I mean the ex who like recently moved on with his ex but like now they're having a baby I think I think eventually it'll just become more normal it won't

be less weird but I think it'll just become more normal but do you have any exes who have i mean i'm older than you and i'm from arkansas so like most of the people that i know are some of them were like divorced on their second marriage so like yes this is this is happened like it hasn't been like an ex went back to somebody um have you had one that's recent not this recent in your life but like from the end of your relationship to someone getting with married no I know there hasn't been anybody like that but there has been like it's nobody that I dated but somebody that like was with somebody else actually this free people three people I can think of they weren't guys that

i actually date it but there are guys that were dating with somebody and then told me like hey i like you i want to date you and i'm like no aren't you with bubba and they're like no it's just like casual but then like they're married to them now three dudes dead yeah that's like my intuition was there i didn't actually date him but yeah it's like when you know the the feelings there it's weird and i mean like moral of the story like trust no man like there's just trust your gut and you did yeah and i think like just because you didn't break up because you were sus about this girl doesn't mean that you didn't trust your gut and it doesn't mean like that like he like bamboozled you or anything like that like we know we have our gut feelings and

then we're still about to like we don't have to necessarily like act on what is the most obvious thing you would do with that gut feeling like it's just as fine to like be like be okay with it for an extended period of time or like choose to believe someone even though like your gut instinct is telling you something differently and like you keep that filed away and now it's just like this moment of like aha you were right like i told you so kind of a thing so yeah i think you're just intuitive and i think this can be uh a really i don't know i mean i i definitely tool that she has now that she knows that she can tap into if she has a weird feeling in the future and it's something that like i think we've all been through somewhat of a situation where

we have had a gut feeling and then we find out later that that was right or that was true and like regardless of the actions we did in between like i know for me i have to reframe that kind of stuff and it's like go me i have a fucking superpower and i'm never going to not trust my gut again like i'm right and this is like a this is my superpower but weird mood weird mood weird mood and i would also just say just mute him you you blocked him on social and like it was just your friend i would tell your friends be like hey i don't like want to know like still like she you know you wouldn't you would have wanted to know oh no totally but from now now that you know like if your friend is like hey do you want to see like the baby shower pictures like do you

want to see like just say like hey unless i ask i don't want to see this thank you hi megan and melissa probably not guessed since it's still coronavirus i'm 25 years old and i'm calling because basically I've been having some health issues that I should really see a gynecologist about. But the thing is, I'm definitely afraid of the doctor. Every time I've gone to the doctor in the past and brought up an issue, I've just felt very belittled and brushed off. And so whenever I go to the doctor and feel the need to voice a concern about something, I just kind of shut down, which is odd for me because in work, in life, I usually don't have a problem with that kind of thing.

But for some reason, just going into the doctor's office just makes me extremely nervous. And I'm finally on my own health insurance, so I feel like I should go to the doctor, get this issue taken care of. But I just was looking for some advice about how to get over a fear of the doctor. I remember, Megan, you've talked a little bit about this before. and just what I should do to just sort of prepare myself so that I don't shut down. Or if a doctor is trying to push back against what I'm saying, how it can voice my concerns clearly. So if you have any advice for a 25-year-old afraid of the doctor, I would be really appreciative.

So thank you so much. Megan, did you make this call a couple months ago and you're pretending to be somebody else when you were 25? wow i think i was 25 too when i went to the gynecologist for the first time was that two years ago right yeah holy shit this is me this is still me yeah it's still her um here's my tips have friends that hold you accountable for going write down everything that you want to talk about with the doctor every single thing every question you have everything you can think of write it down have a notepad take it to the doctor a lot of times doctors try to rush you through what's going on stop them and say no i have this to talk

about you have to be firm remember this is your health like this is how you function throughout the day on a day-to-day basis so you have to think about like i'm not going to be functioning at my optimal capacity, my optimal health, if I'm not straightforward in telling this doctor exactly what is happening. And then if they start doubting you or saying like, no, then you tell them, you say, hi, I hear what you're saying,

but can you make a note in my chart that you, of what, can you make an exact note of what I'm saying and you're refusing to treat me? that's perfect especially if you're i don't know your ethnicity but especially if you're a woman of color because they do not take us seriously at the doctor's office which is if you've never like dove into that as like a white person listening to this i would highly recommend you look into like the race disparity of like treatments in the medical field i grew up with a parent who worked in that field so i like learned that pretty young and it's something that

is i've had conversations with like my other white friends about it and it's something that like is not commonly known and it's like as a woman itself it's something horrible but then when you add being a person of color on top of that it is very serious i mean i went years being told i have a um lung condition and I went years with being told that I it was just heartburn it's just indigestion like you ate something spicy that's what it was and that's not what it was at all it took me getting pneumonia to being able to being diagnosed when I had been telling doctors for years that something was wrong with me it's it's absolutely like in insane like the I think it's even like they've said that like there's some study study from like so fucking long ago that

says like that black women don't have the same pain don't have pain yeah pain receptors at all so it's like oh like and how like having like it was a and it was a study it wasn't even done that long ago i think it was done in 1997 and it's still currently being taught in medical school today and the it was like maybe like it was maybe like 20 women that were tested so it's not even like brought it's not a big study like there's no real metal there should be no real medical backing to what has been said but yeah it's and it's there's so many flaws in it and it's just like it's just absolute bullshit and yeah so if you've not looked right into that i like really really really would um especially as like a white woman understanding that as well

um but so what I would say I mean when I went to the gynecologist for gynecologist for the first time at 25 I like definitely wrote everything down but like as soon as I started talking about like how much pain I was in all the time I was sobbing like just sobbing and I was lucky that I had a gynecologist who was really like kind and nice about it and was very much like this is not normal that's not how anyone should be feeling and like that's it's not okay and i read a ton of reviews about her bedside manner before i went um and i would just do that in general with any doctor i read a ton about and even if you can't find out like oh they were really receptive to like my issues or whatever bedside manner is a great way to tell how they're kind of going to be

I personally would rather have a doctor who has a menstrual cycle and has or had a menstrual cycle. So they understand, understand like what that kind of feeling is and like how that goes through. So having a doctor who's never menstruated before, I find that personally, like just not something that I'm as comfortable talking with or not even that I don't trust them because they've never had one. but they don't necessarily understand like the stigma that comes around even to discussing them and so i just it's a lot easier but um they're like they were definitely like the gynecologist i went to was like definitely like receptive to a lot of it but like there there's like a threshold and there's kind of like a point and like if i don't know what you're discussing if you're discussing like endometriosis or pcos um if you're discussing endometriosis there is no

and this is something that like i now when i'm looking into a new gynecologist there is no point for me to go to a gynecologist unless i know that they perform or work with a team of surgeons who do laryoscopic like laryos however you pronounce it unless they do the surgery because it is something that is like essentially in a huge amount of medical field just kind of written off and like there are doctors who perform incorrect surgeries and like you it that i think it's the one that you're supposed to do is cut it off it's either there's one that's cut and burn and one and one you shouldn't do because it grows back fast and the other one doesn't or there's some that think that you can diagnose it just with uh an internal ultrasound and it's not true so like

the vetting that you can do beforehand like my gynecologist is great but like the solution was which it usually is the game plan it's like okay go on birth control and then from there we see where your pain is at and we manage your pain and we stop having you have like uh honestly she didn't want me to have a cycle regularly because that stops the growing of it and then we address from there where your pain level is at to like see if we should do surgery or something like that and mine ended up stopping covered by my insurance and all like the birth control did and then she left my insurance plan and all that stuff so but now what i'm doing is i've looked into i'm a part of a facebook group called nancy's nook which is an endometriosis education i learned about it

through um one of sydney's friends had gotten the surgery and her and i have talked about it a lot and sydney was the one of the ones who told me when her roommate she was like hey i think you i think you have this like she just got diagnosed she's getting the surgery she's getting the surgery to get diagnosed with this like i think you have it and then the last time i was there hanging out with him she was like dude i've known you since we were all in college like they went the college together it's like i you have this like we have the same periods so um that's like a great resource if endometriosis is what you're uh talking about and even if it's not if you like if it's some other condition i would look into facebook groups reddit posts and that kind of

stuff but the great thing about nancy's nook is they have these nook approved doctors and so they are doctors you don't have to advocate for they don't you don't have to like sell the point And like really go hard on everything because they know they believe you and they know and they are like approved doctors who do all of this kind of stuff. And so if you're able to, I found ones that then work in endometriosis specific clinics that are at hospitals that are gynecologists who then say specifically in their descriptions of what they do. And you can call the doctor ahead of time to and be like, Hey, do you deal with this? And do you deal with this? And how like, does this office recognize this blah, blah, blah, and do that vetting. So you don't have to do all this emotional labor in the room and hold a handhold a doctor to listening to you. Because it is traumatizing. And it makes it harder and harder to do that, like moving forward and later on. So I think if you can do as much as much research as you can beforehand to ensure that this doctor is someone who has a good bedside manner, who treats what you want to get diagnosed for and all of that kind of stuff and then still go in with your notes and do all of that. but I just know that I like fully fully relate to this and I think that there's it is odd that I'm a very confrontational person and I'm like will very much stand up for myself but like in this kind of thing like I don't like I just don't and I think like I don't know I don't know how

much of that comes from like growing up being like a kid and like not like whatever any sort of like psychological kind of reasoning that way or um just in our health care system that like we're really taught that doctors know everything and doctor and all of that but we don't have universal health care and like you said at the beginning like doctors are trying to rush us through and they're over prescribing like opiates all of these kind of things that we've there's this skepticism now that we have with medical professionals in like what they're valuing of our own health care and treating us i mean vaccinate your children go to the doctor all of that kind of stuff but that we do our system is kind of built in a way where we kind of have

to stay on top of these doctors to give us the treatment that we need and that we deserve and the thing is like a lot of doctors are overworked oh yeah they they try they they have like so many patients that they have to see within a day and these just because of the way that our health system works it's like the more patients that they see in the day they have to keep up with what is put mandated on them by the healthcare companies and it's not a lot of times it may not be specifically their fault it's just like i mean i have this one friend that and she's like i can't keep up and then she still comes home and still has to go through like all her notes and all her emails and things like that like she doesn't she works so much and she tries to give her patients

as much time as she can but it's just literally impossible because of all the mandates that she has put on her no it's like our health care system is so broken and it makes us have to do a lot like as patients have to do a lot of legwork to get the care that we need and it's not even like a knock on doctors it's a knock on the system in itself yeah some doctors i would say but there's other doctors that just don't listen yeah um and i think like if you have a primary care physician something that's made me feel a lot more like empowered and a lot more confident going into like finding a new gynecologist and like really like not that i need to necessarily stand up for myself when i go to one that like i've done all this kind of prior vetting for but like on the

off chance like my new primary care doctor is amazing and like i went in there a couple like last year or something and i was just like really fucking tired all the time and i just wasn't feeling great she did all this like blood work and stuff and then like everything came back normal and i was like okay and she goes no it's not okay like you still feel shitty like just because we didn't find it this time doesn't mean that like there's not something up and like and i was like well maybe it's on my head and she was like well that's okay then like let's talk about that figure that out because that could be something psychological that you can go to a shrink for so exactly and like she was very much like i kind of was like i was expecting like the rush me

through like whatever everything's fine i'm healthy and so i guess i should feel fine and she's like well just because i didn't find anything wrong that doesn't mean that something's not wrong like i can't search for everything all at one time and like we're gonna rule these things out we're gonna figure this out because like and i was like well i'm just tired it won't kill me and she's like but it sucks but it could yeah and she's like and she could be a symptom of something else yeah and she's like and if you're just like not feeling your best like no like i like i if i see all your blood work is normal like my response is not going to be like okay you're fine it's like okay well then we we didn't look for the right thing and that was one of those things that i was

like oh wow you care and like you're not trying to like brush this away or do anything like that and that was also really it you get that kind of good remind like that it's like when you have like terrible friends from the need a really good friend you're like oh god they're good they're good people out there still out there yeah and so and a lot of the times it may just like going be going to your primary care physician and getting that referral which can be like a bear in itself but once you get the referral the doctor that specializes in that one thing probably has a little bit more time where they can sit and talk to you this is like i a couple years ago i found a lump in my breast and um i went to my primary care doctor and he was like

he touched and he's like oh it's nothing like you don't have to worry about it but i like domain i was like no i want to get this he's like you're young and i was like well breast cancer runs in my family I want to get this like checked out so he gave me a referral went to the lady I forgot what kind of doctor she was but she like sat there like she was so nice and so kind and took the time and she like examined me and did a scan or whatever and then she was like it's it's uh not cancers or anything you probably just like it so you just have like lumpy breasts which some people have and so she like talked to me about what that meant talk walk me through all that and she was like you know if it doesn't go away within a couple months then come back and we'll

do another scan so you gotta fight you have it's sad that you have to fight but you have to stand up for yourself and if you go in and have that like hardcore mindset like that my health is important then you can get through it yeah and there's uh it sucks to say too i would say also as much as you can do as much research as you can about a doctor that is covered by your insurance and the specialist who is but then also know that depending on your quality of life if you can't find a doctor a specialist who is covered um there are some times where you can have like you're paying out of pocket for a specific one but then if you end up needing to get like surgery or a medication or something like that that then becomes covered by your insurance but the original like that kind

of thing so i would just do as much research as you can and i also have personally found i'm a huge fan of zocdoc normally but when it comes to specialists and like for me finding a gynecologist i ended up doing a whole login information for maybe everybody else has done this before but like i got the login information for my health insurance plan and then was cross-referencing it with like local hospitals near here who have like endometriosis uh uh like units and all of that stuff with like a list of like approved doctors and all of that and then cross-referencing and then finding people in this and like it took me a long ass fucking time and like involved like phone calls because not everything's like available online but uh it's you can find people that way

too and yeah and also one thing that you could do is have a friend go with you somebody that you trust and they'll hold you accountable too yeah no that's like a very very good point I was thinking about that for the next time that I go I was like maybe I'll just either have you or Mats go with me and then I'm like yeah

you know you're like yeah no she's dying it's not good it might be harder now because of COVID and they're only letting like one person in at a time but yeah but you could have them on the phone mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm but sending you lots of well wishes um if it's involving cramps i definitely feel you today

specifically well it's time for don't blame them now hell yeah what is this from so the original call was in season 6 episode 14 and the gal that calls she um was a little bit upset because her boyfriend writes sad breakup songs about his exes so here's somebody calling to share their experience i'm curious hi i'm calling in about uh the caller from the august 31st episode who um whose boyfriend was a songwriter i uh i called him once but i realized that my thought process was like kind of all over the place and weird so i wanted to sort of do it again, in a way that made more sense. So I'm also a songwriter.

I'm a Cancer, Sun, and Aquarius moon, so I basically just feel so much, always, all the time. And I know that for me, writing anything while I'm in the middle of feeling strongly about things is almost impossible. Like, if I'm really, really sad about something, I try writing about it that day, I almost always end up with a worse product. Like, it's not clear or it's whatever. like the song ends up way worse if i'm writing on a day where i'm emotional about the thing i'm

writing about so i know that for me writing in hindsight the way that it seems like uh the cultist boyfriend was doing produces a better product since for that reason like alone i almost always write in hindsight so i get where he's coming from but at the same time i never really talk to current partners about stuff if like let's say i'm writing about an ex-boyfriend i wouldn't tell a current boyfriend about it especially if I'm writing a lot about that person because because I could understand making the partner jealous so I get where the color is coming from too so I guess my opinion or my like uh my thought process is just I would she was saying that she wanted to have like the open line of communication to talk about

access with her boyfriend so I think just making sure her online communication is really open and but also at the same time being able to say like hey I feel like there's been a lot of this recently you're allowed to feel that you're allowed to like think about stuff but I don't necessarily want to hear it all the time it's a super valid thing for her to say

and do but at the same time like I said I totally get where he's coming from because I do the exact same thing so yeah I think just opening that line of communication I know that's the answer to like literally every question ever but just making sure the communication is possible and that

way of saying hey that's enough i'm good it's also there because i think that that's a really really important thing to have in that situation that's it thanks is that your voice or is that a voice changer it's a voice changer if it's their normal voice i'm like you have to be a musician because i'm like the yeah it kind of sounds like a tracy chapman well i'm like the octaves it's just like at the same but if it is a voice changer app i did look up um canadian singers because you're definitely canadian abut uh so it could be avril lavigne celine dion carly ray jefferson celine dion alanis morissette joni mitchell um sarah mclaughlin it's not going to be shania twain because she definitely doesn't listen even though she accidentally said that

would listen um 100 gay icon i mean i think this is all this all makes sense to me like how you would if you're too emotional about like it's kind of like you need the time to process if too emotional you're gonna make like a worse product but yeah talking about with partners is a little odd but i i think everything should spot on yeah spot fucking on i would love to get an update from that original caller because like we also as far as i know we never had been linked to any songs oh yeah you were supposed to i think hold on i think she actually messaged us but they didn't send any songs oh why we should I'll look I'll look I might be just making that up no but it sounds right send us some songs send us some songs we want to hear that's really how we can

tell yeah well that's it for our episode guys we really hope you enjoyed if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and if you want to listen ad free we're on stitcher premium and if you want to watch the video version head on over to patreon and if you want to support our patreon in general we would appreciate it so much it's what helps um there's no lights on in this room but it's what helps keeps the lights on there's lots of lights on here exactly there there it would mean the absolute world to us and it means that we can keep making this show for you so we've got the video version over there we also have to do like

exclusive live streams and all that stuff but it's you know supporting the current show yeah to maintain the current show because miss rona has taken away ads ads and uh this is not free to do so we would love if you did that um if you want to follow us on instagram our own individual socials are listed down below including twitter which hit up melissa on twitter it's a great time um and the podcast on instagram we would love if you headed on over there and if you are listening our facebook group is officially reopened for you to join and we will have a link for it if you're not listening at this point here you go this is this is where it's at we are highly selective of people so you might not get in the first time you also might not get in the seventh

of time and we are also kicking people out periodically if they are not active and they're not posting so um yeah and it might seem harsh but we have as of already we've got like over 2 000 members who are able to do that and it's a great community for them and if you don't fit in with that community that's totally fine it doesn't mean that like you're not we don't appreciate you and anything like that but there are some people who don't like to use facebook a lot some people who don't really like to post and with their real picture and ask for advice and talk about their lives and that's totally totally fine but we can't have people just consuming that content without participating because people share a lot of really sensitive stuff on there and we want to make sure

that um everybody's i don't want to say like everybody's being respected everybody should be respected and it's nobody it's like listening into someone's therapy session without ever telling someone that you're in the room and that's kind of not what we are about there so um yeah and also one thing i will also say if you don't like either of us or like you're kind of like critical like you're not if you're an asshole or you don't like us i actually recently kicked somebody out because i like they dm'd me about something and i like scrolled back and they like sent me like a nasty fucking message a couple months ago and i was like bitch we're in a facebook group i'm fucking kicking you out like no like yeah if you're an asshole no and if you

don't have our same like belief system or whatever also not like it's our group yeah go start your own group start your own group no no sweat off our back really don't mind at all but this isn't for people that are hate following no this is for like-minded people and it's not even just who is it's like we've created this community of some people in our community really think a lot like us and have a lot of the same values and belief system which is great and then that's what this group is for and we have 2 000 people like that so it's not just about oh you don't believe this and i personally as megan don't believe this so you can't be in the group i'm like no you're not going to fit in with like all these other people who are kind of on the same page

and you will get eaten alive by them if you if you say something that's not not right um but yeah so excited for people to be able to join in the loveliness and may the odds be ever in your favor yeah um and yeah that's it we'll see you next time goodbye goodbye thank you for being here don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by Katrina Henning, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.