Don't Blame Me! - S6E22: He Works with a Porn Star w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: I want to date my friend's husband Telling his girlfriend Wanting to date a friend in a relationship Wanting to get paid for work you do Don't Blame Them: we grew up in a cult   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me this is an advice podcast where me and my wonderful co-host melissa demont hello hey i would like that if you're watching on patreon some nice alien hands there thank you i'm in peace oh wow truly you are true i don't know if you come in peace but truly i can't even i come in messiness that's the motto here so on our show we give advice ranging from a ton of topics talk about sex we talk about relationships dating friendships family conflicts mental health and everything in between we are not professionals aside from being professional cunts and professionally

the best I was like where are we going with this without a degree I have a degree no I meant like a degree in what we're talking about actually guys if you would like to call in and ask fucking questions about Melissa's degree

did you graduate with film or fucking like biology biology I was in Arkansas what am I going to film degree in i i went to fucking riverside and like you were still in california like i feel like riverside is still like close enough where you actually have like film programs i did not have a film program there that's true that is true um but uh we're giving advice just from our own life

experiences so uh if we're bitches and we're cunts that's the title of the show you can't blame us not our fault it's how we give advice to our friends we're very much about um you know the friends you go to when you want the truth the honesty not the ones you go to and you just want them big yeah bitch do it we'll say that sometimes but if you're like fucking someone who doesn't have sheets on their bed like we're gonna tell you to do better you deserve better you do unless you also don't have sheets on your bed then we're gonna tell you you need to work on yourself first and like i've been there but like it was college and the only reason why i didn't have sheets on my bed is because i barfed on them i knew it i knew it i knew how that story was gonna go

of course it was so cute so if you guys want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you got to keep that voicemail under three minutes long or we will cut you off and then melissa will come and snip you whatever part of your body she decides dealer's choice baby snip bitch it's like the katie perry song swish but she's been snip that would have saved that song christine sidelka did all she could she's in that music video did you know that yes i did know that i forgot and then now i remember i love her um uh three minutes long is the max amount and that is so easy we promise you guys we recommend that you write down

your call before you um call us and then you read out loud and you practice and if you are a frequent listener you can tell which ones have done that we say channel your never go and that's how you will get the best advice because it'll be the most concise because most likely we don't need to hear um five times how great his dick is like we heard it once and also five times overcompensating i feel like it's not that good nope not at all he's a really great guy though it's a really good i know he murdered someone on accident but he's a really good guy i need to go back and listen to that episode okay so we are going to hop into a live update bring her in all right so this is from season 5 episode 22 so if you can give us a little uh backstory from summarizing your first call and

then share your update okay so I was in like an open relationship with this girl and like not their husband but I wanted it to be with their husband too and um so yeah so basically I was trying to figure out like what I wanted to do there and like I had known the husband for a while like we had met before like this girl and I had ever started dating because I was like oh that's weird like I don't want to do that but then when I met him I was like oh you two are like dope like i definitely want to date her and like now i want to date you wow wait so you're an aquarius right was that the did i remember that correctly okay i remember that now wow oh my god i'm so excited for the update okay it got really okay okay so um so we started dating like the beginning of the

year and then like we kind of like we're getting serious right as quarantine happened and so then we were quarantined from each other for like a month or so and like right into the beginning of quarantine she made an OnlyFans and didn't tell me and yeah so I was kind of like oh all right that's strange but I didn't like bring it up because I thought she would eventually bring it up and then she didn't and then when we saw each other like a month later in May I brought it up and I was like hey you made an OnlyFans and like you didn't tell me and she was like how'd you find did um she posted under like her Instagram story oh she wanted people to see it yeah yeah okay yeah she was like promoing and like I think she just kind of thought she didn't tell me whatever and

so then I was kind of she was like oh do you are you okay with it and I was like like yes but no because like you didn't tell me so I'm like feeling a little awkward but like it's not like you can have it it's fine and um but then like the next day she broke up with me because she was like okay we don't share the same views and stuff and I was just like really hurt because it was like two days before I got laid off from work yeah and so then we spent a couple weeks apart and then when we got back together and well not back together but like when we saw each other again um she was like friends with benefits and I was like oh yeah friends with benefits sounds cool and so we were good for a while until she ended up going to a COVID party like a week or two ago

oh my gosh yeah and at first I was like oh it can't be that bad like it's fine and like it was only like eight to ten people but it was still like she didn't know like anyone there except her one friend and it was for her birthday like yeah and then she just kind of got really weird and I had a really shitty week and I was like hey I really need to talk to you about this but also like with the friends with benefits she was starting to like lax a little bit and she was kind of like not really putting like not necessarily me first but she wasn't like giving as much and so then she like blew up on me the other day and like this was like a week ago she blew up on me told me I was like this terrible person and then I was kind of like what like I

want to be your friend like I'm sad I want to talk to you about being sad and then yeah so now we're not talking and yeah wow well that's the thing that people don't get with friends with benefits that like the first word is friend like we have to be like you know like mutually agreed upon things but friends with benefits after you've like had feelings is fucking hard murky yeah and it was cool because like we weren't really like in love when we were dating like it didn't get to that it was like about that part so it was like okay we can totally like disbanded and be friends with benefits but then like i would bring up like wanting to hook up or something or like making out or like going somewhere or like taking pictures for her

only fans and she would always be like oh no and then she would bring it up to me and then i would be like oh that's weird like you don't want me bring it up to you but you'll bring it up to me like oh yeah that's odd and especially like you saying like she broke up with you the first time because you she said that you didn't have like the same beliefs as her but like you're out here offering to take pictures for the only fan so what was the actual reason I don't know she gave me like some really like it was it was something about like our views are different and therefore like we can't date but like we can be friends and it was just like a really like she was just kind of making the rules she went kind of are you done I think you should be done yeah I kind of

like want to still be friends but only because like i'm in a new city and like i don't really have any friends in the city except for her she was like my only friend that like i was seeing so now it's kind of like just me and my cats but yeah done with the situation yeah i think you should be done as someone who has been like in i think if she can introduce you you know virtually at this point to like friends who will be good for you in a new city then like fuck yes but as somebody who's like been in a new city and like I've settled for some shitty fucking friends and as much as it feels like it doesn't take it out of you it does because then what I call it it's like your barometer for other friendships is you just kind of when you take people for what

they're worth like that's a great thing to do when you have really fucking great people in your life because then everyone else is bonus but otherwise like for me like it just like made my expectations and standards of friends so much fucking harder to find because then people disappoint you and like she just sounds like she's fucking disappointing and like if you're having like a shit day or whatever like yeah you want a friend who you can like actually like talk to and like call and all of that kind of shit and like it's she doesn't seem like yeah that don't settle for less than you're worth i have one other question did you ever bring up anything about the husband okay so actually something kind of came up about that when we were like in our

friends with benefits thing and um i cut his hair when i was over their place and then they were like oh now we need to shower and i was like oh but then i like just scared myself out of it and like didn't do it and i'm so sad i did it now because like now i won't have that opportunity again i mean maybe it's for the best wild thank you so much for giving the update and wishing you nothing but good friends and not her and not shitty people yeah wow it's a lot it is a lot to process but it went in a different direction than i thought it was going to go in because i thought they were going to like talk to the husband and then you know have this big open thing but you know it seems like this thing called covid19 just kind of throws a wrench in everything and

then people show their true colors yeah and that's the part that's alarming is like we like we want to think that like oh everyone's putting strain on people and so people are doing things that they wouldn't normally do and i'm like actually no this is welcome to the zombie apocalypse it's the end of the world and this is how they behave like okay just okay well fuck

so but um but yeah so should we hop in to the rest of our episode no let's do it so hi Megan and Melissa and happy quarantine um I'm 22 I'm an Aries

um and I just have a little bit of um something i want advice on i've been friends with benefits with this one guy for about three years i don't know his zodiac sign so i don't know that much about him however he just started recently dating a girl and told me that he does but not want to hook up with me anymore which is fine respect that I've got plenty of posts on the side um however he messages me once a week asking for pictures or videos and you know I'm not going to be completely honest I have sent a few pictures a couple times and um went on with uh sexting and getting attention from him

But then I started to feel bad because I wouldn't want that done to me. So I told him I'm not going to do that anymore for respect out of his girlfriend. And he said that they're not that serious. And if he is messaging me, then that means it's okay for me to be sending photos and pictures and whatever. I was, like, so taken back by that that that just means it's okay. so basically he's an asshole which never bothered me because I wasn't looking to date him or anything

just fuck should I tell the girlfriend I don't have proof of it because it all happened on Snapchat and I don't save my messages and neither does he so basically it'd be all word about and she'd have to believe me

so I don't know and then I don't want to tell her because I'm not trying to gain anything out of it besides like let this girl know what he's doing and that he said it's okay if he messages me first because that means it's okay and they're not that serious but I don't even know if they're that serious I don't have him or her on social media so I don't really know but I do know her name but I guess all I'm asking is should I tell her all right thanks that was kind of messy thank you bye it's all messy it's all messy i just want to say i we fucking respect the honesty here

like this is like owning up and being like i'm not gonna lie i did send it like x y and z is great because usually when we have updates on callback stuff this is when we find this shit out so this like right off the bat fucking great his logic is so flawed it is so flawed but i also like that she said uh i'm an aries i don't know his sign because i don't know anything about him which clap this is how if you're just friends with benefits with the person this is how your life should be like you shouldn't know too much about them because then you're gonna catch feelings i truly think that like friends with benefits the idea of friends benefits we need to get rid of that term and we need to go back what we used to say in high school you're my fuck buddy yeah like

you are my buddy for fucking like that's what that's where we fuck yeah like it's too hard because even i mean even hey our update that friends with benefits thing because then it's like how much of friendship do you have and then like you blur all those lines but his logic it's okay if i'm texting you because i texted you first which means it's okay no that makes zero sense zero sense at all i don't even know where he's trying to go with it no he's just trying to keep it going if i were you i don't know and this would be like i ideal melissa that like if i was writing the fictional version of me then this would be what i would do is like every time he asked me for a picture i'll put it on only fans where it's

just me and he has he's the only follower and he has to pay me to get the pictures or video because you said it was pictures and video i truly think we should normalize charging for nudes i think if if if it's someone who you're like not receiving anything from and like when i say receiving i mean something you want not a fucking dick pic like unless you're getting something in payout bitch yeah these aren't these aren't free people will pay for this shit normalize charging for your fucking nudes but um here's the thing uh no matter how much proof you have or anything like that if someone wants to believe you they'll believe you if someone wants to if she wants to believe him she'll believe him so like i know that the proof thing might

make you feel like oh i don't i can't go to her because i don't have proof she's either gonna believe you or she's not and more likely than not when we say like tell the girl like tell the other person in the situation it's not to get them to like leave their partner or recognize all that it's just to plant the seed it's just to plant the seed because it takes a while usually but it becomes that thing in the back of the head it does but also in this instance when we're like tell the other person it's usually something like the other person like tried to hook up on hook up with them and then they didn't do anything in return but in this case she did send the pictures when she knew that the other girl was in the picture so i don't think you should tell

her because you were both in the wrong i just think you should just cut it off from now on yeah i mean i i i see that but i think i think if you tell her you tell her that and you say hey i like kind of like what you said here it's like we were fuck buddies for like a while and like i don't have any like residual feelings for him like i really want to make that clear and like i don't not trying to date him or anything like that but like i because like i don't think when we say like you shouldn't tell somebody if you're gaining something from it i think in this situation like this is kind of like i would think of this more like an apology most of the time the apology is for the person giving the apology so it's kind of like hey this thing happened and i'm gonna be

honest with you like i knew he had a girlfriend and i sent a couple pictures back and forth and like it's been eating away at me and like guilty conscience and like i have not done it since but like i just feel i feel bad about it i know but that's all about you though like i don't think that like you would do it because you feel bad and now you're taking this and putting this on somebody else like maybe she didn't want to know that's see and that's that's what has to boil down to because i would want to know and she might not want to know and the thing but the only way that the call that you have to make as like the caller caller the call you have to make is would you want to know like it's not about whether i would want to know whether like you wouldn't want to know or

someone else wouldn't want to know it's like if you were in this position like you personally and this was you would you want to know and then if you have any mutual friends with her and like you can kind of just like not ask them about it but like kind of suss out like who she is or something if that would be the how the seriousness of the relationship like you stalk them on social media and something like that like i think it it's like a 50 50 chance either she wants to know or she doesn't but the only way that you can make that call is like if you were in her her shoes what would you want? And if you wouldn't want to know, that's like the thing where like, sometimes when people like cheat and, and like, they tell their partner and their partners, like, you told me

because you felt guilty. Now I have this too, because it was on your conscience. And some people have that mentality. Like, I don't like, they don't want to ever know. And you're telling me because you felt guilty yeah I mean it's not like I think of all of the motives behind telling someone something like if it's like guilt feeling guilty about it versus I want you guys to break up because I want to be with him in that kind of a way but I think it yeah I mean it's it's you can't know like it's like impossible and really hard to know and like you could also just like make a fake you could even just like make a fucking fake instagram account and like say like a portion of it like in something like it's not so like you could if you want to just plant the

seed for but if he's like a really shitty dude or if he's doing this with like other girls like you could do more background sleuthing on like how serious their relationship is if he's doing this with other girls like x y and z all of that kind of stuff to then feel like okay more likely than not anybody would want to know this shit because this is like a massive like deceit or like character trait like something that he's like very very different but i mean you can't know they are more serious than he's laying on because why would he end your friends with benefits thing if it wasn't that's true you're right yeah actually you're so spot on that's so true i mean i would want to know

like point blank i would want to know what i would rather hear from like a partner totally but like i if it's from a girl who like hooked up like i would still regardless of how i got the information i would want to know the information but that's me that's my person i need to know as my therapist says megan had megan leaves no rock unturned and she doesn't even want to get rid of the rocks she wants all of them so i want to see them all accumulated all the fucking time i need to know where I like I just I need to know everything um but that's like me and if you're conscious if you're guilty conscious I know if it was me in that situation I would feel so guilty because like I guess it has to depend because I guess I'm coming at it from the point it's the

only not I would feel guilty but like I would feel guilty because I if it was me in the situation I would want to know and like I wasn't telling that's like but if you feel guilty just because you're like oh i fucked up like i hooked up with him and i shouldn't have and it's not about like the continued deceit to her that's like you just have to weigh it and like make that choice but like again it's 50 50 or either like and you can't know it's so fucking subjective yeah but i think the more research that you do the more you can like deep dive into it and make that call but yeah it also depends on how long they've been dating which controversy i'm not controversy but if they've been dating for not a long time that to me more grounds to totally say it

because like it's more likely than not not gonna it's either gonna be like a full deal breaker and she's like okay i'm done because i think that's like the stage of a relationship where like you're not so invested but like it's either like oh okay like it's so early on who cares or like it's so early on and this is already a thing i don't like i'm out i think that's like probably an easier way but let us know what you decide and start charging for those nudes girl yeah start charging for um hi megan and melissa and probably no guests because quarantine um i am 25 i'm a pisces son virgo moon and leo rising got a lot going on there um i'm calling because i have a girl that

i want to be friends with we had been friends like 10 years ago like back in junior high school um and then her and i kind of developed a crush on each other and we sort of hooked up at one point Um, I believe she was dating her current boyfriend at the time. So her and her boyfriend have been together at least four years. That's how old their daughter is. And I've been with my boyfriend three and a half years, pretty much four years because we talked for six months before that. Um, so my friend's mom reached out to me because my friend has just been super lonely.

Basically, she just works and is a mom, and that's about it. Well, I went to go visit her at her work, and it was great. She unblocked my phone number, and, you know, we were planning to, like, reconnect even more and whatnot. However, she ended up blocking my phone number again. um I'm feeling like her boyfriend and I feel weird just like sneaking around like I don't want to have to hide from her boyfriend it feels weird it feels intimate and it feels wrong like there's maybe I'm romanticizing it but it almost feels romantic and intimate to kind of like sneak around and hide it from him and then I'm afraid that maybe I might start

you know romanticizing this and like I don't know develop more feelings for her so basically my question is how do I try to pursue this friendship should I just say fuck it and not even worry about it like let her do her thing I don't know I could really use some advice so thank you so much I love you guys so much your podcast is fucking amazing all right love you guys bye wow this is a lot it is I'm romanticizing it but we're missing some information why does she block you to begin with did her current boyfriend find out that you guys kind of hooked up also what's kind of hooked up you just like had a oh i was picturing like junior high because that's when she said they became friends a little uh just got a pinky in okay let's pretend

you're over 18 when we're talking about that part but yeah no she's older than that no but she said that they oh do you think they do you think they hooked up as like when they were i i thought they were like when she's been like dating if they're both been dating people for four years i would think they're over 18 by now right no no yeah i just wondered if they hooked up in my mind it was like junior high it's like a dance they're each other's first kiss or something like that or do you think it was like high school or like later on that they hooked up later on but i made it like a like a like a like a cute little disney movie i loved it um yeah this is odd this is weird like yeah i think you're i think you're spot on if you think it's her boyfriend then it's probably

her boyfriend like we can't know that but if that's what your gut goes to and like that there was like weirdness there like then i would assume that that probably is it but i would i think from there you kind of have to like does your boyfriend have an issue with her and if he doesn't have an issue with her then it's either her boyfriend's got some homophobia issues that like he but maybe it's not homophobia but continue your thought and then i'll come or or maybe she had more feelings for you than she let on yeah and like you kind of you like very friendly and like your boyfriend like didn't have anything to be worried about but like the way that she's talked about you or the feelings that she had for you or like maybe he's they're a lot bigger and so like you're a threat

like he feels like you're a threat to the relationship not because like same sex but just because and you also said that you might catch feelings for her too so I'm thinking role reversal let's say it was I had me my boyfriend if I had one and then this girl that he used to like kind of like and they kind of hooked up with then I while we were we first started talking and then they then they stopped like since we were moving forward in our relationship then they stopped talking he blocked her and then years later she comes back into the life and like trying to rekindle this thing like i can't understand if he's the one that's doing the blocking or she feels a little uneasy about it especially if her mom doesn't know what went

down between you guys yeah and did your friendship end over something platonic or like was like the hook like where what was the ending of was it an ending of like a friendship or was it were you guys more than friends at that time or did it have anything to do with like pursuing anything more than friends because like it is a breakup and a friendship is really really really different and so he her boyfriend in this situation seems to be you're treating this how you've described it it's rekindling a friendship and how he's treating it it's like an ex coming back into the because it happened when they he first started dating her they were actually like dating you did say i think she did say that they were dating

at the time so if he knows that uh-huh yeah and if like you said you made a good point like if if you're already saying i'm afraid i'm gonna romanticize it like i think there's one of two things you guys either need to break up with your boyfriends or have a conversation i mean it doesn't seem like her boyfriend's cool with it but like me i think there's too many feelings there for you guys to either be i think it's you're not friends or you're more than friends because i don't think even if you don't feel in this situation either you both want to be more than friends or one of you like there are different varying levels of this she's we already know how the caller feels

she said that i'm afraid that i could catch feelings for her and it's just sneaking around sending text messages if that romanticizes it enough those feelings are already there yeah already there so if you guys like got back into your friendship as it was then yeah yeah i would not want my significant other hanging out with somebody that has feelings for them yeah this that's it's wild and it's also hard because you don't know if she has those if if she's blocking you or if and she has those feelings or if it's her boyfriend blocking you And so it's like, how do you how do you do that? I mean, I think you just have to reflect on your own relationship. Are you happy in your relationship? Are you interested in like adding another like having more of like an open relationship? Or are you interested in like pursuing a relationship with her or and then even take her out of the picture? Are you happy in your relationship? Do you want to pursue another relationship in general? like is this kind of that escapism that like you're like longing for or is it just

kind of romanticizing where it's like oh she did like this got blocked and like maybe this this this and then i would say just like get a good book like read a good book like something that will immerse you in that and then don't pursue the friendship yep because i feel like it's something where you're like she might have been the one that got away and now you're using the excuse of her mom contacting you to uh reach out to her again but all and also they have a child together and i don't think you should not like that complicates things even more so it's not like he's just her boyfriend too yeah no that's really true because that also inserting yourself in there even in a friendship if he if

he's not comfortable with it changes their parenting dynamic and that will fuck up the kid and then the kid will have to be in therapy um but i also wonder if the mom now i really understand why you said the word romanticize because this is really easy to like i'm making these jumps not that they're necessarily jumps but like the mom calls she the daughter's really like lonely unhappy you know what I hear if I had previous feelings with this girl this girl's unhappy in her relationship and her mom's calling me because I made her happy and even the mom didn't know that you guys like had a sort of thing and feelings there like even how you said like you guys met middle school like it's very easy from I want to watch this movie like it's very easy to

get caught up in all of that kind of stuff but it you have to reflect on is it this is this how you feel or is this like what's been put in front of you it's like this way is this why you want to eat for dinner is this what's been put in front of you and you're like okay I'll eat this like this is here like let me like just see your fucking pussy fell in

your lap like do you want do you want to do this and this also can be like a great time to like yeah again reflect and recognize that if you are like maybe this is about how your relationship is not exactly what you is fulfilling you right now and it's not about her specifically maybe

it is about her specifically but you're right there's a kit so very tread very lightly good yeah good luck okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're gonna get into the rest of the calls hey megan and melissa um so my issue is um my sister has not been working for the past few months she quit her job a while ago because it just it wasn't what she wanted anymore and i get that i definitely get that especially with the current times um but my my issue with that is her still expecting me to be her primary babysitter for my one-year-old nephew who I love to bit like he is the light of my life

like I would do anything for the kids but since she hasn't had a job And she has stopped paying me for the days that I watch him. But yet when I can't watch him and her stepdaughter can, she still pays her. Even though when she watches him, it's literally just for an hour most of the time. And she just sits on the couch and watches Frozen with him. as where i will literally be there from like seven eight o'clock in the morning until like nine o'clock at night and i just how do i go about

telling her that like i would appreciate getting paid again or else i am going to stop watching him even though i don't want to not see him but i just it's frustrating not not getting paid for the work that you're doing because it is on my days off from my full-time job that i watch him and i'm a cna so i literally spend my life taking care of people so then to on my days off take care of people again it's just i don't know i would just like to get paid and i don't know how to go about telling her without seeming rude about it i don't know if you could help that'd be night either way hope you guys have a great rest of your day okay bye

where is she doing during the day is that your question because that's my question too because like i like the thing that i totally i get why i don't get no like not offense to you no offense to you call it all i don't know why like what she needs you for the other thing makes total sense oh an hour something like like oh she just watches like the what is it stepdaughter sister-in-law and something whatever yeah stepdaughter like watches like the baby for an hour while she's like shower like going to like wash her hair or like uh has like a like something like that makes sense but like the whole day that thing i'm like what is like not like that doing like i mean we're in a pandemic like honestly if she's not going to work

what is she doing for a whole day like is she working on like what she actually wants to work on like is she building her portfolio for something making a business plan but it sounds routine like it sounds like this is like a regular thing that you're doing for that it's expected of you to do for her for this like amount of like time and i'm just yeah i'm like that's my first question what's she like doing because like i think it does it does really like if she like if she's like being fucking reckless during a pandemic then it's kind of like you know or is she really work like i'm just i'm i'm high key confused so what i would do but this is you want a non-brood thing to do but here's my

Oh, I have an awesome thing to do. I'll start with this. I would just next time that I go to her house, I would have bitch better have my money blasting as I pulled into the driveway and then switch it to my phone and continue it blasting until I walk into the house and then turn it off. And then when she comes back home, play it again, you know, just to get the message. how to say pay her i mean i i yeah i mean the thing is is i that's how you can get your money but i my my non-confrontational version of it is cutting your losses for the money that she hasn't paid you and the next time she asks just say i would love to you know how much i love him i just can't um i can't like afford to work on my day off like i just i can't i can't do that

because like it might be that the the stepdaughter doesn't have a job and this is kind of like do you mean like it's an hour so it's a lot less money and doing all of that kind of stuff and so but you already have a full she might be seeing this as you already have a full-time job so you don't need the money just hanging out with your nephew yeah she already set the groundwork that you were being paid for this work and on your days off and also like that's not that's so it's a regularly scheduled thing and like that's not like babysitting like that's that's like a very different it's like you're like a part-time nanny yeah like you're a nanny on your days off and unless that she had like explained like been explicit with you on like the hey um we can't i lost my job

like we can't i can't afford to pay you right now i totally understand if you can't watch him and like she didn't lose her job she quit her job without having a backup yeah it's true yeah it's just it is if she can't afford to pay if she can't afford to pay for you to like do this i again i'm i'm curious what she's doing that she because right now it seems like a luxury like she just has her sister who can like watch the babies like for a full day when she like wants to do whatever she wants to do um and she doesn't have to pay you but like if it's something that it's like oh and it sounds like from how you've talked like you seem like a great person but it sounds like if this was oh i'm spending like 12 hours like one day a week i'm spending 12 hours a day just

applying to jobs and doing all that stuff and i'm just like locking myself in the office and doing that and like that's temporary and that's not a care that's not babysitting that's helping your sister out and with the baby versus like you're my free babysitter yeah yeah like there doesn't seem like to be like enough of like an explanation that she's given you at all um but yeah i would just i would just say that the next time because and if she's like what you are like what do you mean like you're still like making the same amount of money you have from your job it's like yeah but I only get like two days off and like I work really really long shifts and like yeah like I'm making like money from it but like on my off days like I can't really spend like x amount of

hours doing something on the days I'm supposed to be relaxing unless I'm also gonna like unless I'm working again and like I obviously like still want to hang out and like you know go like visit and hang out and all of that stuff but not when you're there's a lot of things expected of you but that's what i would that's truly what i would do next call next call hi melissa and megan um the other day i sent a one of the messages and it wasn't it was all over the place so i'm gonna start over now that i've kind of calmed down and have like all the information so the other day My fiancé told me that he found out something about a co-worker. He is a manager at a fast food chain, and he found out from another co-worker that one

of his colleagues who works there are a former porn star um and I kind of did my research because it made me kind of uncomfortable and she's like she was a semi-famous porn star like she's on big porn channels and she is ranked pretty high on corn hub and all this stuff and her background he used to have a porn addiction and he's gotten over that he doesn't watch porn anymore um we talk about it like all the time not in a negative way but just anytime he has feelings or anything, we talk about that so he doesn't go back to that addiction. And I just feel, like, really uncomfortable knowing that he works with this person. He talks to her almost every day.

And I just feel so uncomfortable knowing that he's working with, like, a porn star. She still has, like, an active porn star Twitter where she, like, and snapchats and stuff and i don't have anything against sex work at all i feel like that's like something that people do and it's like okay but i'm just afraid that this is going to trigger his porn addiction again because he knows this girl she's really pretty like now he knows that she's a porn star and I know that he's looked over her page because a co-worker showed it so I don't know I'm just anxious and all these things hopefully you guys can help me not feel so anxious sorry for sending two messages love your guys's show bye

let's start addressing with the term um porn addiction i urge everybody to do some research and some googling about this um if you come from a religious background or you are actively involved in a religious organization um i think i don't think a lot of uh the rhetoric about porn addiction has come from religious communities no knock to any sort of religion it's just a lot of has come from it being um we're making this it's like the science of sin essentially and porn addiction has been in like mainstream not religious cultures has been studied by scientists and has not been as of now from what my googling and from the last time we've talked about porn on here uh it's um oh the world health organization added it in oh

no compulsive sexual behavior is a part of that's been recognized um it's sexual activities becoming a central focus where they neglect their health care interest activities and responsibilities um but a lot of study it's still not decided even like a lot of studies are saying like your brain doesn't react in the same way to like what what the signals in your brain that send off when you have an addiction um to something doesn't send off the same with porn necessarily so it's also really hard to discuss porn addiction as a whole because uh the term like porn like it's because it has been so inundated by the fact that like oh porn is bad porn is dirty porn is like sexual like this is all bad things so therefore enjoying this is is bad

as a whole and like any sort of like that like what the level of like what addiction is of it and it's like this taboo thing that like in a lot of religions will make you like question your relationship like they say like this person's questioning their relationship and all of this other stuff is just um hard because when there's an addiction you don't have like a healthy um if you're recovering from like if you're in recovery from drugs you don't casually then just continue to take drugs it's nothing and that's like with porn you don't watch porn like that's like like not any of that stuff and that's also shutting off a lot of just like sexual nature in general and like that becomes so much more of like a bigger issue

and oh yeah it's porn addiction is not recognized uh as the in one of these other things but scientists point out the studies have so far either been poorly organized or have struggled to finding what actually would make this an actual addiction um there's a lot of articles about if you look up is porn addiction real there's like a lot of articles from psychologists talking about what makes the like levels of it because there's no way to talk about this without slut shaming and sex shaming and that's what sex work shaming yeah and just because your boyfriend has a had a quote-unquote porn addiction doesn't mean that this woman working near him is going to drive him to dive back into that like that's so unfair to

him and it's so unfair especially to her like this is something yes she's still you like pointed out she's still active and she's still doing twitter like what's that have to do with anything this is her life that's what she wants to do she has multiple jobs multiple streams of income great for her like don't think just because this lady is there working by your husband your boyfriend and that that's going to trigger him to get back into this porn lifestyle. Like he is either going to do it or he's not. And her being there isn't going to change anything. And then his co-workers sending him the photos,

like all your boyfriend had to do was just say no and then close it out. And that's it. like everything that they're doing is so disrespectful to this woman when all she's doing is working and this logic that you call her have is what was she wearing logic this is you can't wear a tank top because it will distract the boys oh you're wearing a short skirt of course you're gonna get sexually harassed like that's what that that's the logic that you're going based off of is that her existence other people will not be able to control their impulses because of her existence and because of what she's doing and even how you

discussed you you need to do some internalized reflecting and some research and understanding more about sex work because even you saying like i'm fine i'm fine like what it is you're not you're so not fine you're so not fine like there's a lot of judgment in in how you talk about the situation but even when you explicitly address like i'm i'm fine with sex workers you're not like you're not and you're her the the biggest issue in all this is like you're saying is how everyone's like this is her fucking first of all that's that's her other job and this is her other current fucking job it is not any but no one should be fucking sending her pictures and all of that kind of shit around no if she wants to talk about it and she wants to like oh it's like yeah i do for 100

percent if someone wants to ask her a question and say like hey and then she's like actually i don't feel comfortable talking about that here great cool you shut it fucking down like them sending around all of all of that shit no and the reason is not because like oh it's shameful at all it's like no but this is her this is her that's her body that's her line of work and we're in a different line of work i'm not bringing up your fucking divorce here like that's like we're not talking about that kind of like we're not bringing in all of this other shit that has nothing to do with us or information that you've gotten from me not from me like from online all of a sudden if i haven't told you some shit don't fucking like that's it's just so fucked up yeah and your

boyfriend is telling your boyfriend is telling you because like if he's even making it seem like well i don't i don't i don't know like i just this is not i like you can fucking watch porn and you can like porn has he gone to therapy has he gone to like a non-religious affiliated therapy like and talked to his there i asked my therapist once about porn and she was like no it's not real addiction like it's not like and she's like it's very much like you know therapist a therapist will tell you but like there is no concrete like there's no singular answer to it and she's like it can be like she's like but she referred it the same way as kind of like weed um and i literally at this point i spend most of my time

talking to my therapist just like ask your crush i'm like what is this like but like it's like in the same way it's like you can have a dependency on like escapism but it's not that thing like yeah it's like it's like people that have partners that don't appreciate them watching porn get caught and then they use that as an excuse of I have a porn addiction yeah or the shame of like you are you don't want your partner to watch porn because you've been taught that porn is bad and it creates like all of these terrible things and it means that your partner won't like love you and care about you and will treat you terribly no and this is the other thing that like needs to be addressed because like when we're talking about all of this fucking

shit with porn and like how like so there are parts of porn that are really bad that we need to address but talking about porn as a whole like this is all we're doing is slut shaming people who are involved and all of that and so then they're not actually getting the help that they need in this it's like okay so how about places like um uh porn have not accurate uh adequately paying people for their porn and then also them not owning any rights to anything that they're in and that they can't get anything taken down and they also don't like scan a lot of the things that are on their sites like as far as like seeing if this is like from like reputable place it's some people can just be dumping stuff on there that isn't like done in fair practice yeah and there's

just so many things that like we need to protect sex workers they need to be given benefits and health insurance and like uh once everything being regulated in all this way so people can be like taken care of and making sure that they're being safe and healthy and through all of it and when we talk about it as a whole as like porn is a porn is porn in itself is the problem anyone involved in porn is an enabler of the bigger problem which is no some of some parts of the industry are really fucked up but that doesn't make that doesn't make the concept and the whole as a bad it makes these parts that need to be addressed but when we talk about it like this big issue then like it's just so unbelievably backwards and i urge everybody because i think

this is one of the things this is like the save the children thing that like got infiltrated in that has religious ties and got infiltrated into like mainstream media everywhere and people are seeing these kind of like headlines or things that kind of like that validate that insecurity that people might have like about like oh sex i don't feel like i'm good enough like i mean fucking like the patriarchy has like made women feel like inadequate forever and then we have this like epitome of like what perfect women are and like sexual and doing all this stuff that we have this competition with them and then when we see this stuff that's like validating those feelings that we have that that shouldn't be a thing we have to acknowledge where that's coming from so

when that's coming from religious organizations and all all of that kind of stuff it's it's outline porn it's outline and it's not just outline porn because and then it's like oh well because we don't know how they get the videos on there and like it's like some child like sex trafficking all of that stuff they also want to no only fans no nudes in general no sexual none of it yeah none of it like only fans is literally taking ownership of what you're doing that's what it's about and i and oh my the amount of times i've had conversations i'm like i thought that was the whole point it's like well no it's like no it's like that well that it's like unrealistic standards about like women and stuff i'm like that's not the porn is not the patriarchy

porn is not the fucking issue with the patriarchy at all at fucking all but the objectifying and not treating any of these people like actual people or women or like fulfilling that like yeah that's no that's or or and like when people want to talk about like any sort of like really um aggressive uh or like violent fantasy aspects of sort of things whatever i'm like and if things are regulated then you can make sure that people involved in those videos and doing everything is consenting to do all of that stuff and it's something that they want to do something they're being adequately paid for and that they're in control of the situation but like someone else's kinks it's not that's that's not the issue it's like shaming people for any of that or

x y and z and all of that and i will straight up just fucking if your fucking partner treats you like shit and like makes you feel bad about your body and all of that stuff and they blame it on porn that's their issue that's not porn they're just a shitty fucking person like it's like well i like i'm so used to like people like to fucking use that like oh like porn teaches like men to be really shitty and terrible to women i'm like no it's shitty men are gonna be shitty fucking men yep and they watch porn that they watch fucking anything and it makes them they play video games it makes them shitty they do anything they watch sports games makes like anything makes them fucking shitty like that's just who they are but like this catalyst and then of course all that

fucking brunt falls on all of these sex workers who are predominantly women like who are getting the shit for it oh this just this makes me like a different level of raging mad yeah because it is one thing to have prejudice and preconceived notions and your own biases about people and shit but it's another thing to double down on not having them while you're actively doing that like you just need to own up to okay no i do have some issues here and i need to like look at all this stuff and i need to do more research on is porn addiction real i need to do more research on like why porn is like very natural and healthy it has nothing to do with like issues in my relationship and if he has other issues that he needs to deal with he should be going to therapy

and not a religious fucking associated like therapist like which we don't know if that's what he's doing but no not at all but that's just like any most therapists should like if you're again it's like my therapist compared and i'm not addicted i want to say i'm not just porn i just asked her because it was after we had some other fucking call about porn addiction and i had therapy like a two days late no it was when we did wednesdays because i had therapy on a wednesday um and it was she said it kind of like weed how if someone comes to her and they have an addiction like they're addicted to weed and she's like well there are no addictive proper you're not addicted to those there's no properties in that that's going to make you what's going on there's

something else that you're addicted to essentially escapism or or something else but like she's like i don't address it like like i would if someone was talking to me about like narcotics yeah i feel so fucking bad for this girl i wonder if she knows that they are sending around i think she does yeah because like dude they're probably not slick at all yeah they're like teeing in the corner redirect this energy redirect this energy to be hey i don't know did she give you guys consent to talk about this stuff did she talk to you about or did you find that because she probably also like doesn't go by this like she has a stage

name and then her actual name and that dude was probably already a fan of hers and he recognized her yeah you need to redirect your energy to protecting her from your boyfriend and his friends and like the shit that they're talking and like just the work environment that they're creating for when she's trying to go to her fucking job every day um versus trying to protect your boyfriend from her because she's hot and does porn time for don't blame them which is kind of on the same subject oh god so this is from episode 10 of season six and um the caller and their partner escaped from a cult and we were told that the partner um watched porn and it made the caller upset and so here's someone calling with similar experience this is like we do this at least once

a year where we have a porn call and that's when people are like i'm out yep and also i don't even watch porn like i just need to say that like i don't even watch porn i'm also so fucking insecure like i i it is fucking possible for you to be yeah you don't watch porn but like you don't eat bread either but you're not out here like talking shit about no but i just mean in the sense that like the the i'm not a me i'm not like this like highly confident person that i'm like oh i'm like not like i get it like but just you have to do your kind you research and understanding about it if that's it but like it's not mutually exclusive that like you're an insecure person and you don't enjoy porn which means then like other people and your partner's watching porn makes you feel

bad like it shouldn't like the only time is if it gets in the way of your like they don't want to have sex with you yeah like that's it and i'm calling in response to the we grew up in a cult episode um and about the girl who grew up in a cult um so i'm an ex-mormon i used to be part of Mormonism which a lot of ex-members consider to be a cult and call it a cult um and I don't know whether that girl grew up in Mormonism or just another cult that has the same kind of teachings about sex but it all felt very familiar um and what I wanted to say that I think would be useful for her to hear is that her husband's partner I can't remember the pronouns I swear to use both um what they are probably getting out of the experience of um you know exploring

their sexuality on their own is this sense of reclaiming their sexuality because in those puritanical um belief systems like mormonism and whatever other cults um where there's so many shame-based teachings around sex you're taught that you know your sexuality belongs to your husband or wife and i think it's really damaging to never get to like feel like your sexuality is your own you know and so my sense given that she said they were having regular sex and that she had told him to come to her if he was feeling horny um yeah i would imagine that's what he's getting out of it is reclaiming his sexuality at his own but maybe not who knows um love the podcast you guys have been killing it uh bye

thank you that's a great point like they don't necessarily want to go to their partner um to for sex when they're horny because their sexuality is about them they want it for themselves that's like the epitome of reclaiming your sexuality i never thought about it that way that it's like even with your partner that still involves somebody else and like especially they've been like long-time partners even if it's not traditional and like what they're whatever the terms that like the cult or religion like what they would call that um even if it's not that it kind of it looks like that like it kind of mimics that and so like trying to get away from that while still like actively participate like that makes total sense to me that is it for our

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This podcast is for, I would say this podcast is, if you want to listen to this podcast, listen to this podcast. We'd love to have you. But for the Facebook group, it is not a parasocial relationship. There are no, you don't just read what everyone's saying and, you know, relate to it in your head and all of that. It's involved. It's much more of a community.

Think of it like a group project. And if you're not contributing to the group project, you're going to be kicked out. and um if you don't share our belief system harsh truth you're not in the group can't this is not because it's we are not there are certain things that we do not debate in the group and we keep it a safe place so good luck may the odds be ever in your favor and once you get in there i will it is a like you jump through fucking hoops and y'all waited for so fucking long for us to even open it up again but even just the like the post before that it like got reopened up of people being like oh god i'm so like i'm nervous for new people to come in like it is appreciated by the

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