Don't Blame Me! - S6E24: He’s Into Farting w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:  Update: Long-lost brother Fighting with friends Saying things you don't mean Boyfriend using a dating site Don't Blame Them: medicine and sex Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me oh what was that noise

i didn't hear it i guess so i think that was me okay well um i don't know if you're listening to us in the morning but if you are watching our episode video it's available on patreon i think you can tell just by my face that it is morning so good morning not just morning any morning so we like usually record these a couple weeks ahead of time but we knew that this would be coming out the monday after the election so we waited to see what our mood would be for the episode we didn't want to have it be like hello yeah so this is the day this is literally wednesday after the election yeah and currently wrapping my um biden harris shirt this sweatshirt this is from phenomenal um they're in my heart love love um and uh yeah i'm having my morning coffee

so we're waking up you're waking up with us so hopefully you're listening to this in the morning and you can also be drinking your coffee and becoming human with us um if you're new here this is don't blame me we're an advice podcast uh we listen to your voicemails you call in and then we give you advice based on our own personal life experiences and our own very strong opinions you know we throw in some humor now i mean i was gonna say now and again but kind of always but some people don't appreciate it but some people don't and also some people do do not appreciate our honesty and our frankness uh we are the friends that you go to when you actually like want advice not the ones who just are there to be like yes like do whatever you

want like hyping you up when you know maybe you need some more constructive feedback so don't take it too personally don't blame me um and um oh yeah i'm megan ranks hello hi what's up if you're new and my co-host melissa d mons who is matching with me yeah we didn't plan it that sounded like we did but like we actually didn't oh no no literally when i say that this like mosa texted me at like what 905 and you said you coming and i literally like woke up by that and then saw i was like and then had like the calendar notification podcast recording now and i was like oh shit so i haven't washed my face i've not brushed my teeth drinking my coffee might have to take a poop break how does during the real break how does like uh coffee and

unbrushed teeth go better than coffee and brushed i cannot eat or drink anything until i've brushed my teeth for the day like i'm i'm like i have to i have to drink my coffee before i brush my teeth because i hate that but also i guess i could do it when i'm home now i just can't i have to brush my teeth immediately after coffee like that like i i also brush my teeth we're the same i brush my teeth after i eat and brush my teeth multiple times a day but i just don't like the taste of like night time and food or drink no that's yeah i think coffee has like coffee is associated with that taste to me though yeah well i don't drink coffee so there's that too so uh well um oh if you guys want to call into our podcast the phone number is 310-694-0976

and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com uh you have to be 18 or older to call or have your parents permission and um voicemails all need to be under three minutes long our advice is to write it out and then read it and also once you write it out you can practice you can read it out loud time yourself and you can also see if there's anything missing see if you're adding in useless stuff and like missing some of the really important stuff and um it's just so much more nice to listen to as a listener and we can give the best advice that way we have an update before we get into the rest of our show and again if you are watching this please excuse me because we filmed that before this so i didn't even have

two sips of coffee but let's let's talk to her all right guys so we are with the caller from season 6 episode 19 and she's gonna take it away okay so basically I was the caller where um I just found out that I have a half brother from my dad that um he's seven years older than me wait yeah seven years older than me um and I just found out about maybe two three months ago and I was basically calling to get advice of like how to deal with it at the time my dad was not really like owning up to anything at all basically um he was just kind of like shoving it under the rug, kind of just blowing me off. Not cool. Um, and so, yeah, so now I feel like I kind of left a few things out. So I'm, I haven't always had the best relationship with my dad. Like there's

been a lot when I was younger, my parents got divorced, whatever, but he actually got sick back in May. So he had a heart attack and a stroke. And so me and now he's my husband. I just got married a couple weeks ago. Oh, but we are actually living with my dad now. So it's been one of those things where like, you know, I can't just not talk to him. Even when I didn't want to talk to him like I live with him so I couldn't really avoid that um but it's been a it's been a journey for sure it's like really not something that I expected to happen um but yeah it's been it's been intense and not expected at all damn yeah so did you have a conversation with your dad like where where are you guys at now like is he still kind of pushing it under the rug

so I had it was like this whole thing and basically he was just kind of pushing it under the rug and I was so stressed with just you know work and then just life in general that I was like I don't have the like mental capacity to argue about this if he's not like being honest about it um and then one day it just kind of boiled over and I like lost my shit like I it was just so like frustrating and I was so angry and I'm like you aren't owning up to anything at all so like I'm like he's like well what do you want from me I'm like well an apology and like to like own up to it and just say like I fucked up you know what I mean and so he was kind of like well like I acknowledge like basically I acknowledge that he's my son, but that's kind of all where he's left it. So

right now we're kind of at the place where like, you know, obviously he knew about it. Um, I, my, my full brother, he's two years older than me. He has not gotten in contact with our half brother. Um, and he's kind of not really interested in like having a relationship, which I don't feel that way I have talked to him and from what I know my dad contacted him tried to contact him when he was 13 and his mom was basically like no like it's too late yeah so what was the conversation like with your half brother he was just very open and not at all I was really afraid of rejection I was like so scared and like nervous like what if he doesn't want to talk to me or what if he didn't even know that I existed or whatever but he's just

from the very beginning he's been nothing but open and you know he wants to connect he wants to meet me um so I hope that'll happen one day we don't talk very often but you know when we do it's it's all good oh that's great is there any family resemblance oh yeah god i saw pictures of him he looks just like my dad like exactly and my dad was at the beginning he was trying to say like no no like she said it was someone else's kid like he's not my kid i'm like but he looks just like like you're fucking with me right now this is your face yeah you fucking lie to me like i you can't deny that like there's no way so it's it's like uncanny how similar my dad it's crazy like this is stuff that happens on like maury and jerry i'm like you are not the

father this is like so bizarre like who like i didn't realize that this shit happens in real life until it happened to me so but it's crazy it's it's a tough situation but you know making the best yeah i think you like really you very much are making the best of it and i think like as obviously like you know we never want to wish like bad relationships with like family members or anyone on anyone else but i think like knowing that like you and your dad haven't always had the greatest relationship and like you guys are working on your relationship now also just kind of shows that like whatever happens with like the relationship with you and your half brother you and your dad can also continue to work on your relationship like you're you know how to do that

like you know how to have I think a lot of people with like their parents and stuff like if something happens and they like have this image of them shattered like they're not this like perfect person and like we're all like well into our 20s that can be so hard to recover from but like knowing that like okay you've got flaws and all of this and like if I can get like a cool half brother out of it who wants to meet me and all of that stuff I think that's great and I'm sure he probably feels like the fact that he like knows all like all of this stuff like the fact that like you've reached out and like want to get to know him I'm sure that feels if I were him I would feel so like great about that because you wouldn't usually think that that's the case like

you would think that the kid who didn't really grow up with the family usually is the one who's like hey let me reach out like to this like I want to be a part of the family versus like someone who feels like they're like nuclear family kind of like this big secret kind of blew up thing I think it's right I think it's yeah I'm sure he feels like I don't know I would feel really great knowing that someone I wouldn't that like my biological dad's other kids wanted to get to know me I think that's really sweet yeah and from what he's told me he's like I don't know anything about like my dad's side of the family I guess his grandfather his mom's dad was like a father figure to him so he's like I never really had any interest in like reaching out to my biological dad

because I've had everything that I ever needed yeah he's like but I didn't even you know someone said I had siblings but I didn't know he's like I didn't even know his name like I didn't know anything about him and so I've sent him like pictures of you know my grandparents who both passed away but I sent I sent him pictures me and my brother um some pictures of my dad when he was younger just I don't know yeah that's so sweet I'm like who does this happen to this is so weird dude I mean truly I do think we like grow up and we get into like our like 20 like our mid late 20s or whatever and we just start being like oh wow shit hits the fan like there's just like everybody like the people who go on Maury and the people who go on Dr. Phil and all of that kind of

stuff I'm like oh okay I get it now like I fully like I have so many family situations now where I'm like I could apply for one of those shows I could 100% it's and you know I got married a couple weeks ago and it was super small like immediate family only like five other people there but still even just like planning that just in the stress of like getting married I'm like I cannot deal with this right now like this is too much but it just kind of all blew like boiled over and I lost my shit and here we are yeah well thank you for sharing thank you I really appreciate you guys and i'm like well hopefully the today goes okay goes in our favor i'm shitting my pants i think we're good i really am like i feel calm and i want to bestow that on everyone else yeah i would

love to feel calm i need to know this is like 95 in wisconsin and mich and um to be fair i would i say i just i haven't opened 25 of the votes for wisconsin and michigan are in and binds ahead so like we're good okay there's the calm i get it now i literally just woke up and i was like we're calm yeah what thank you so much for um listening and calling in and giving us an update and um yeah and we're wishing you the best and i hope you get you and your half brother i hope everything you guys could have like a great relationship hopefully your brother comes around and um you're you know your dad i mean he's holding himself accountable in a way but it is what it is so i appreciate you guys oh thank you we appreciate you all for listening yeah thank you

hey melissa basically i have been best friends with this girl for the past um eight years and um we're really close we even live together like my junior and senior year because I went to high school far away from my home and she lives right by there so like we've been through a lot together um the only really kind of overarching issue we've had in our friendship um is that in my opinion I feel like I have there's been a lot of times where I feel like I'm kind of the anyone putting effort into a friendship um an example of this would be like when we FaceTime I just feel like she's mostly talking about herself and like I just feel like I'm usually the one kind of putting more effort into our friendship and honestly like I feel like sometimes

she just takes me for granted um because we've been friends for so long and she's also one of those people that like has a ton of friends but she's not really close to any of them except like you know we were obviously close but she just kind of it's like a friend to all is a friend to none type of thing like I just feel like there's been a lot of times where she hasn't been a good friend to me the most recent example of this was that um she basically like I had told her I was going through a hard time feeling really lonely during quarantine um and just really isolated because you know I suffered from like depression and anxiety and um she was like oh like I'm totally here for you blah blah blah and then like a couple days later I asked her if she wanted to hang out

because I had seen her a few weeks and um she said like yeah I'll let you know and then a couple days beforehand she said she was busy and um like that's it she didn't make an effort to reschedule or anything like that which I thought was really weird so I confronted her about it and we got into a argument she became really defensive and kind of played the victim a little bit um and then like a few days later she asked or like a week later she asked me if I wanted to hang out and i thought that was kind of weird because like we were fighting and so i um you know kind of brought it back up and then she like left me on red i just brought up why i was hurt and she she left me on red um please let me know if you think i'm overreacting or if just what i should do

thank you guys i love the podcast this girl annoys me not the caller the friend yeah I had a friend like this quote-unquote friend who anytime I got on the phone it was always about them them then like they would start the conversation just like talking about them not taking a pause and say hey how are you doing just start and then I like when I it was like time for me to share they're like oh I gotta go bye like it was the same type of situation yeah and that's i think that like this is a perfect not perfect but this is a combination of so many stuff that kind of like adds up to the same thing that like you're not overreacting like she is just a shitty friend because i think like there are sometimes

like people my biggest fucking fear which i've said this to my therapist and she goes the fact that you're thinking about this means you're not doing this like i'm always worried i'm that person that i'm like i'm like a terrible friend like i like don't listen to people enough and all of this kind of stuff and like my therapist is like well no no that's that's that thing that's you're just your anxiety aspect of it but the fact that like then she leaves you on red then when you confront her about it she plays the victim like it's not like a oh this isn't like a thing where there there are like other instances where like oh she left you on red because like she was like feeling really like anxious about something uh or she like bailed on you because she was like

concerned about the pandemic like but all of these add up together is the same character narrative that she is like your suspicions are saying she's not a good friend and i think like we can really really hold on to friendships from our younger years especially it sounds like you guys like really had like very much like bonding bonding like in high school that was just senior year of high school i think that's yeah um which like that's like a disney channel movie like live with your best friend senior year of high school like that would have been i mean i kind of did that with sydney just like unofficially um but you can be holding on to something for that that it's just not right and i think because you recognize that this is kind of how she's

always been i think you've gotten really used to pulling your weight in this french more than your weight in this friendship like 90 and it might not even be that anything's changing now it just might be that like you're done doing that and like that's kind of what your friendship has been and like what she's expected of you and like what you've been okay with doing and that's okay like that doesn't mean anything bad about you at any at all i think like there are times when we care about people we want to be friends with people so we're willing to put in more than our share of the effort and then you get to a point where you're like okay i'm done with that now and like it sucks to see that like she's not you know she's not meeting you where you are now

and like it's like if it's it's all on you if you want to maintain this friendship to kind of like maintain how it's always been but that's on her like that's not on you and i think she's probably always been like this and you just have grown up to a point where like maybe you're meeting other people and like or you just know that you you're you value other people more or you know that like you deserve friendships who are better than this yeah i think i also think that there's just different levels to friendships so there's like your best friends that you can text all the time don't have to worry about that that's like a group in itself and then there's your friends that you know those are the ones that are around and they know things about your life and you go out with

them and then there's like associates i would demote this girl down to associate where you know you like check in with them every now and then to see how they're doing they're not like officially off the friend list because they're still feelings from like the past and so she's just somebody that you check in with every now and then and like if you're close to each other you might hang out you might not and it's not a big deal so that's where i would yeah like demote her to the kind of friend that like if you can only invite 10 people to your birthday she's not on the list yeah like have there be those tiers because there are like i used to say like you know your friends are like your sisters but then one of the levels that i always like would throw in there in between like

friends and associates is target friends which is doesn't apply now but like friends that i would like go to target with like you're somebody who like i can like run air like we can go do this thing where we can go shopping together like we're not necessarily gonna like sit around and like hang out and talk about our lives like together at like our apartments fun to do stuff with yeah or like the friends that you have like when you think about it in the sense that like friends that are like your friends that you go out with like the friends that you like doing x y and z with and i think if she has been kind of you've considered her more of like a best friend than like any of those other sort of things and like she's not a friend that's ever really served a

purpose i think she can just be like you know uh like you said like an associate or someone who like and even if you're not even like checking in with her like you're just seeing like you follow each other on social like you're still liking each other's pictures like you're seeing what she's up to and like responding to her story yeah that's what i mean by checking in yeah you're not like putting forth the energy and the effort to be to take that friendship to any other level like i think you need to like you said demote it so you're not trying to maintain what you've been doing before yeah because you're not getting anything out of it she's getting everything and just like a leech sucking it all sucking you dry and so yeah like she's somebody that

like i said that you care about but not the best and mental health wise like when you reach out to someone and like you're struggling and it in turn leaves you with this like with this situation where you're like now i'm kind of like beefing with one of my friends like as a result of me like saying that i was really struggling with my mental health and all of that stuff that is like such a clear sign that you even if you're not aware of it you know that you need more from a friend and you she told you she can't i mean she showed you that she can't give that to you And when we're in like very like low, dark, sad places, it can be really easy just to accept whatever we can get from people. And that's not helpful when you're going through like rough mental health times, because all that does is add additional stress and like worry and anxiety on you because you're putting like when you're low, that's when your friends should be doing 80% and you're giving 20. but you can't be chasing after friendships and people to care for you when you're

really struggling and anyone who's making you do that is only going to hurt you more in the long run as somebody who's fucking been there like find a fucking tv show that you love and i if you're not a part of our facebook group i would very much advise you to join that and like if you know all the answers yeah um just listen to every episode and then you'll be able to join to know all the answers unless like you're also you're just a terrible person which is the first question um but um yeah i just i think that this is like such a she's showing you your true colors now and like as oprah says when someone shows you who they are believe them which she took from my angela she does say it all the time but she considered my angela like an aunt so like she

quotes her so oh god i'm dying see this is my issue with not looking at pinterest quotes no that's the thing is a lot of people attribute it to oprah but it came from the video clip of her saying that and I was like, I haven't looked at it. Most people don't. I'm so sorry, Maya. Imagine that considering that you're on. I would die. I would die. But like Oprah too.

Consider that your niece. All of it is like... How? How? I'm fucking... I just want to add that Maya Angelou is part of my sorority as well. Dude, you're... your sorority is the most fucking stacked thing in the entire world like do you know i've got i

think i have you've got megan and you've got megan markle and jamie chunk who was actually part of my chapter she went to my school nice poor girl riverside she graduated though um but you know yours is yeah so stacked like yeah and you have the best cut like you yeah you have the best everything literally uh and you also have the best like like the it looks nice do you know what i mean the uh no the letters yeah yeah and like it's just like it's just cute yeah mine's like two k's and then you're like oh what's next and thankfully it's a gamma but like it's like you get a little stressed out okay um on the next one yes let's move on to the next one hi megan and melissa i've been concentrating calling for a while now but i've always been

scared of what people will think of me and my relationship and i didn't feel ready for advice yet, but I think I may find comfort knowing that I'm not alone and that it's okay to reach out for help. I'm also getting married in 20 days, and I want to see if anyone can relate to my situation. So for some background info, I grew up in a verbally abusive home with a helicopter parent. I was never allowed to see anyone. I was always in trouble, and I never knew what my day-to-day situation would look like. Fast forward to now, I'm in a happy six-year relationship with my fiance. He came into my life at the perfect time and has made me feel whole. Also, his family is like the family I never had. They're kind and supportive and love me unconditionally. Over the

past year and a half, though, me and my fiance have faced more struggles than ever before in our relationship. Almost half the time, we feel like we're not connected, which is a term we use for feeling like roommates. But in the last year and a half, we did buy a house, we get two dogs, we work full-time, and I run my own business on the side. So it doesn't worry me too much that we sometimes feel like that. What I'm more worried about is my anxiety being worse than ever before. Usually it's something little, like him being on his phone too much, forgetting to do the dishes, or just being in a weird mood that day, and I get really anxious. My brain is so quick to convince myself that he doesn't love me, care about me, or even

sometimes that he's doing these things to hurt me, especially for things that we've had conversations about many times before. As the thoughts snowball in my head, eventually I will finally burst and just word vomit everything I'm feeling, and usually it's not pretty. Thankfully, he's kind and he's patient and he listens to me vent, but the problem is that sometimes I say things that really hurt him. like for instance last night I said that if I hadn't bought a wedding dress or told our family about our elopement it would be so much easier for me to give up but the problem is is that I like after I pour out my heart to him I don't actually feel that way like as I'm calling you now I know that I love him so much I know that he's my soulmate and I want to spend forever with

him um so i just really i wanted to see if anyone could relate to me um i want to know if this gets any better and if anyone you know is going through the same thing right now um i'm a sagittarius and he's a cancer um two i mean i have to say the first blanket thing um i don't know if you're in therapy you i heavily we heavily advise it to everybody but i heavily advise it for this specifically because this is one of those if it's hysterical it's historical kind of moments that like this is your past and this is your history and this is how you're raised and this is coming up in your relationship now and you're taking i think it's great that you're taking accountability and you're being like oh now that i i like i'm saying things that are like

hurting him and now i don't believe that but like i said that in the moment um and i say this like not in like a an accusatory way but like yeah that is on you like that's not i think like couples therapy would be like definitely be i i personally would say that would be great because like you can it can clue him in on what's going on i think like individual therapy is obviously fantastic but when something's really affecting your relationship with somebody it can be helpful to have someone who can hold you account like not hold you accountable but be there in the room too and kind of hear it from like a third party and understand more about what's happening and what's affecting your relationship and like our couple therapist like her whole thing is she's like we

uh she's like it's not just about like people who have like issues in it's not like oh something's happened in your relationship or you have an issue in your relationship it's like what's happening in your lives that's affecting your relationship like if anything's affecting your relationship with your partner she's like that's when you should be in couple therapy together like to talk about this because there's two active participants excuse me in this um and i think that's really really really important because it's a learned behavior to kind of un unteach yourselves these unteach yourself these reactions and these sort of things and knowing that you're hurting him unintentionally is something that like you is not sustainable

like it is something that like you need to address and you're getting married very soon but even in the interim and something to practice in general which is like we have to filter when it comes to our partners like there are times where like if you are finding yourself that you are exploding and saying everything and then you're not meaning it anymore afterwards write that down in a journal like he doesn't need to hear this and in general partners don't if you just need to like air out your grievances and you're frustrated but it's just like it's such a blip on a moment thing and you're gonna forget about it he's not gonna forget about it yeah those things like those words and the stuff that you say will continue to hurt and then that same thing

that you're talking about like if he's in a weird mood you're having anxiety about it and like thinking that he doesn't like love you anymore or whatever and then you explode and you say all of these things that in turn just puts that on them like that just in turn puts it on him and he's like okay well now i feel like she said exactly how she feels which is this but then i'm also supposed to then she doesn't feel it anymore afterwards like are the same way that you're reading into his like like micro um expressions or you're reading into like the things that he does and equating it to like what he means when you say what you mean and then expect somebody to be like oh no no like don't worry i don't feel that way anymore that's that's really fucking hard

like that's really hard to hear that kind of stuff and then internalize it try and help your partner like talk your partner through with it and then just pretend it never happened like that's and no matter how great of a dude that he is like that's just emotionally taxing and there is no way they're gonna keep weighing down on him and then he'll start you know believing it like believing in and resenting you yeah yeah so yeah i think therapy is the way to go and maybe like i mean you wrote out what you were saying to us maybe sitting down and writing out the emotions that you're feeling and then present that to him as well so that he knows where you are i mean you guys have been together for six years so um obviously like you know like this isn't some

short time relationship you're you're you've already like made a commitment to be together um so in order for this to continue to be successful then um you've got to be open and honest with him and work out your communication issues and also i do want to say it feels like and i don't want this to come off the wrong way but like you're using his family as like a replacement family for yours which is great like I think that's awesome but like if this relationship isn't the relationship for you don't feel like that you need to stay because of the family yeah no I I wholeheartedly agree and I think um there's like a great um I don't even know if it's like a quote or like it's like a theory in psychology or something that like

we choose partners um and like friends and situations and stuff but especially romantic partners um that are versions of the people who have caused us trauma or the people who have caused us harm in our lives and we we choose people that are the versions of them that pick us and choose us and it becomes like the ultimate like and like once we end up with somebody but like when you're trying to be like that's like when people talk about like oh someone who has like issues with their dad and they date people who are like their dad like there is this thing that like we go after what we know and then the the biggest accomplishment again like not like consciously is is dating somebody who is like our yeah the person who caused trauma our abuser whatever and

then they're picking us and like and we're bringing we're being able to rewrite history and that's something that like is it is just kind of like natural that we go after people who are similar to the people who we've known like we only we stay within what we know um but like you said like there has to be some recognition that if this isn't it it's not like a failure of anything else and like it just can also not be it and i will also say if this has come on like quote unquote suddenly or relatively quickly people have an have a hard time when something like hap like comes on and like something's changed in relationship but it's never been like this before that like okay let's get through this let's get over this like i'm not gonna go to therapy like

this if if it's how quickly it came on is how quickly it's gonna go away that's not true if this is something that's been like boiling up for a long time or even has just been like essentially like you getting married has been a trigger for all of this kind of stuff like life doesn't really care that it came on fast it's not gonna go as quickly as it came on at all and we have to treat these things like they're like they're the big deals that they are and it is a big deal and if you guys want this to work out you have to put that you have to put that work in because if if you guys and this is what i my therapist always said to me like if i and this was like when me talking about like my own my individual therapist um she's like if you knew how to not be depressed

you would be not be depressed if you knew how to like or even like when mons and i were like communication stuff like if you knew how to have better communication you would have better communication like you don't they're not it's not stored away in your brain just like eventually waiting for the day that it clicks like if you were able to do it you would have been able to do it already and there's nothing wrong with not having a fucking psychology degree and understanding that kind of stuff like it's not necessarily human nature like it's human nature to be reactive and to like to to be affected by our traumas and to bring that into our relationships and all of that kind of stuff so it's not like a personal moral failure if you guys can't if like this can't be

solved with just a conversation with him and like oh i hopefully he'll get over these feelings afterwards and like i should be able to vent like without any sort of like repercussions afterwards words or like lasting emotions from him you have to acknowledge it as okay we're getting married and i don't like that i do this and i can't stop doing i keep doing it and like we need to find a better way to communicate this and we need to find a solution um for this and we don't have that so we need to seek that from a professional who can help us do that and i also therapy is the biggest fucking act of like hi i love you so much i'm gonna go pay somebody that we can spend and we'll sit and talk for a fucking hour together who has a fucking there's a fucking psychology degree in

this so we can understand how our relationship can be better because i care about you that much agree so do it yeah do it congratulations on your marriage i hope it's a very small wedding okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and let's get into the rest of the calls hi i'm megan and melissa and probably not yet so i don't even know where to start uh this is weird but i guess i'll just jump into it um my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost five years and we went on a quarantine COVID vacation um and on this said vacation um he told me that he has a certain fetish um and it's not you know and at first he was like

I'm super into butts it's a butt fetish and I was like okay and he and then um a few minutes into the conversation he was like um but there's more so I'm really into farting and I and I'm a really like non-judgmental person and I held myself together and I stayed calm cool and collected and I just kind of like asked inquiring questions like what does that mean and what does that entail and he was like well you know I just like the smell of them and um I would like you to fart on me and etc and I just went okay um and he was like what do you think of that And I said, you know, I don't think it's something you should be ashamed of. But in my head, I'm like, oh, my God, please tell me this is a joke.

But it wasn't a joke. So then a few days later, he was like, so what are your thoughts now? So we had, like, a conversation where I was like, dude, I'm totally not into this. This isn't my thing. And then he felt really guilty and, like, ashamed. And I was like, no, like, I don't want you to feel that way. you know don't you should never be afraid of your sexuality or things that you're into but anyway like what do i do with this this is kind of like really interesting information i

received after five years um and i'm kind of uncomfortable with it and also our sex lives have have been dead for a while now so there's that okay any advice would be awesome love the show thank you bye as someone with ibs all i hear when i hear this is fear like just just fear that would be part of his fetish too though some people have scat fetishes yeah but i have the opposite like that's like i i just oh my god um yeah we're not here to kink shame anyone no but We're here to help you work through this. So I know as someone with IBS, for you, this would freak you out. But let's say that Motts was into something else that, you know, something that you weren't

like necessarily into, but he was. So what would you do? I mean, so the thing, the overarching thing, if we even take away like the specifics of it like a fetish is a fetish like a kink is a kink like there's no issue with it but like we always talk about like is it a deal breaker and I think it can be hard when something comes up five six years into a relationship because I think if I think what you're I don't want to like put feelings into like what I don't mean this is not what you're saying but this is how I have interpreted that like there then comes a part where you're like okay well I'm not into

this. I've told my partner I'm into this. Their feelings are relatively hurt. And it seems like this is actually really important to them. And our sex life hasn't been great recently. So now I feel like that this actually might be a deal breaker. And they're not saying that it's a deal breaker. And I kind of feel bamboozled in a way that this hasn't been a conversation we've had for all of these years. And now what's happening now? Because that's the thing. It's like, if it's a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. And then that's okay. And like, you should never do anything that you're uncomfortable with. And he should be with someone who fits what he needs and fits what he needs in a relationship. And if he needs this in a relationship, then that's fine.

That's on him. But I think you guys need to have an honest conversation about it because you should never feel guilt tripped into doing something that you're not comfortable doing. And he should never stay in a relationship that isn't what he needs in a relationship. And you guys can have had a great relationship and all of that kind of stuff but like i think like kinks and fetishes and all that like they can come at any time like we're always growing and changing and like especially when it comes to like sex stuff like there's so much like shame and secrecy relating to it there's a lot of times people like i i like like a lot of times people don't even like realize that something's a thing and then they see it and they're like oh i'm really into that but like i

never knew and like it's okay to have deal breakers that come six years in a relationship five years relationship. Like it's okay to have that because we're always growing and changing and like learning more and that's okay. And I think have a conversation with him about it and let him know that like, if this is a deal breaker, like that's okay. Like that doesn't negate how great our relationship has been or anything like that, but you need what you need. And if you didn't know you needed this before, then like, that's okay. There is no like shame in that, but you guys just both have to be honest and if it's not a deal breaker for him then have a conversation about like okay well i i'm this is something i'm not comfortable with and i'm not shaming you at all

but when you are so overtly like upset and disappointed by this like i feel pressured into this and i'm not comfortable with that yeah and if you feel pressured then that moves it from being consensual and non-consensual um so um yeah just like you said if it's a deal breaker then you know this may not be the thing for you and uh you move on but i think the bigger issue here is not the kinks but it's that your sex life is non-existent yeah so before you even get into the kinks i would figure out why your sex life has been diminished um because i think that the kinks might add if you like you're like okay i can try farting on you um but if there's more of an underlining issue as to why your sex life has diminished then that's what you need to figure out

before introducing anything new into the relationship yeah because it might be like oh trying to salvage this and thinking and doing something that you like is not your preferential but like you're like i'm okay with doing it and then being like oh i did this like you did this for what like i did this thinking that this was what our relationship needed yeah i think you need to straight up ask him and like say like is this what like is this a deal breaker for you our sex life has kind of been non-existent lately and is it because of this like is it related to this because at the end of the day too like it might not be at all and then he's like oh and and then You've been putting more of a weight on this as like, this is the end all be all for your sex life.

And he's like, no, no, no, it hasn't. Like, I think we should try some other stuff, blah, blah, blah. But it has nothing to do with this. And then I think you're able to see more clearly the steps that you guys can both take. And it is not like a compromise, but like there are two people in this relationship. like what one person needs is not your responsibility if you're not comfortable with it it's not something that you want and like regardless of how much you love each other and how great your relationship has been like there is a person for him there's a person who

fits who checks all the boxes he needs to be checked and there's a person who will check all of your boxes and not checking one box if that's a really fucking important box and it's a really fucking important box and like it doesn't any of other like positive traits or other great things nothing can cancel those other things out like we have a list of things we need from somebody and if they have like extra of one or they've got like but all these other great things but they don't check one they don't cancel each other out and that can be really hard to process and deal with um and like we say all the time like sometimes like loving somebody's just not enough like it's it has to be like the right fit and even if something's not necessarily

that important to you and like it is the right fit in your eyes it has to be mutual but yeah i think you just got to have a real serious conversation i applaud you for like immediately like your first reaction to him in that conversation being like not about to kink shame me like all of that stuff i think that's great because like and it shows how much that he how great your relationship is and how much he trusts you to say those things to you and like be super honest and forthcoming and it's so nice it's i'm sure for him it was really great to hear that like it was probably nerve-wracking in general just to say it but to know that like your girlfriend immediately is like supporting you and being like not here to like you're yeah i i think that it it shows how

great your um yeah how great your relationship is now considerate you are um oh i don't want to plot a fish for swimming but in the sense that like yeah just how how comfortable yeah yeah exactly but um yeah you guys just have to have one of those really honest conversations that's uncomfortable that's like and i think the thing that's the most important when you have these conversations is before you dive into it just like saying i love you unconditionally i love you so much and i there is nothing you're gonna say in this that i need you to be honest with me and the only time that you're gonna hurt me in this is if you're not honest and if honestly this is a deal breaker that's okay like it's so okay i just need you to say how you feel i'm not

gonna hold it against you like all i want from this is a hundred percent honesty and you're not going to hurt like that it's not going to hurt me you don't need to protect me in this conversation by like withholding any sort of information like i just need you to be super transparent and super honest and know that regardless of anything that you say like i care about you and i love you and i i want this conversation to to to i we need this conversation i'm not trying to fix us with this conversation i'm just trying to understand what this conversation and then from there we'll make choices and decisions but like when you can really stress ahead of a conversation that like because a lot of time people we try and protect other people we filter what we're saying to try

and protect other people people's reactions and we don't know their reactions and when you can just ask for honesty and i promise that like you're not trying to trap somebody in a conversation or anything like that like that honesty will be able you guys can make the decisions from there yeah stressful but best of luck would love an update with this yeah oh and speaking of that guys um still call in with your updates because that's how i know that you want to update and you need an update in order for us to call you back so still call in hi melissa and megan i'm calling in because i need your perspective on a situation i'm dealing with in my relationship currently and I feel like I can't ask my friends or anyone else just because I'm really embarrassed all

around and don't know what to think. A little background, I've been dating my boyfriend for many years, around three. We met in college and now live together post-grad. For reference, I'm an Aquarius and my boyfriend is a Scorpio, which we love. And the other day I was on his computer picking out an Airbnb for his birthday coming up and I wanted to sign into my email to send a link of a place that I liked. And here's where it gets messy. His email was already pulled up i'm not one to snoop but i saw an email that came up in the chain with the title flirt.com naturally i was like what the hell and searching the bar this email what i found was an account that he made on a sketchy kind of dating site where he can match with local people to chat or

text or whatever the part that sucked was i noticed he put in preferences looking for females between the age of 18 to 21. mind you we're currently at the age of 23 and 24. another important piece of information was that he activated this account last summer, then ended it a couple of months later. So it's not currently active, but the fact it ever was in the first place makes me mad. I was immediately hurt and naturally an Aquarius. I tend to bottle up my emotions and have a hard time discussing them. Eventually, my boyfriend noticed I was acting weird and just uncomfortable. And eventually, I just exploded confronting him on the account. He tried to play it off that he thought it was a porn site. And I'm nothing against porn. I watch it myself. But

this site made me really nervous because it was obvious to me that it was a way to meet local people, which is different in my eyes than watching a stranger on a porn site that you don't even interact with. Since we've had that conversation, I've just lost all trust, really, which sucks because I want to trust him. And more importantly, I've lost some of myself worth thinking I'm not enough. Why does he have to go talk to other people who aren't interested in younger women? like are they prettier than me I don't know basically I just need to hear your opinion and what does it mean um that a boyfriend you know is interested in sites like this and am I being stupid for wanting to be with him still even though mentally I'm just really struggling um

would love to hear advice I I just feel like I can't talk to anyone else and just need to talk it out thanks guys bye she said flirt.com right okay literally the home page discover one of the best online dating sites for singles find singles in your area find your perfect match endless opportunities meet singles chat online casual date personal ads why is this site so white dude i literally was just i was like this looks like a fake site from a tv show like this looks like a like someone made this even like scroll down to the bottom where it says how to flirt online with a guy and there's a man pointing his finger and then a girl has her hand up like no guy it's like did you grab your friends one day and you guys just went

out and shot the pictures for that or like these are these stock images i mean look at the gay singles one they're just like they it is the most stock image like eating a coffee and a croissant hello or the the lesbians on a hike like oh my god wow okay here's the thing you can want to work something out but like he's not being honest with you and like if he was like yeah okay i joined this dating site blah blah blah but like he's the reason why you're feeling i mean there's i'm not gonna put words in your mouth but like you're feeling so like fucking conflicted and i think part of the reason why you like want to work it out is because he hasn't given you all the truth. Like he hasn't told you everything. And so I think the reason why you want to work it out is

not necessarily because you want to work it out is because you don't know everything. You can't make a decision unless you know the truth and he tells you the truth. And so sticking around and working it out means that you can get that information and then decide from there if you want to work it out and i think there's absolutely nothing wrong with that i'm someone who like i said like i have to leave no stone unturned like i need to know fucking everything before i make a decision and he needs to be honest with you and forthcoming with you and like he's lying like he's just lying and like if he like just signed up for this site because he thought it was a porn which is a lot which a lot like there's no way he signed up for

the site and thought it was porn um he still is getting the emails so if he deactivated why didn't he unsubscribe from the emails he's still getting notifications from this site even if he made it a year ago you guys have been together for three years it's not adding up he's lying yep and and and i would i would also go back further in his emails and see if he's opened them like are they left unread or has he opened the emails well you know what i would also do i would sit with him and say okay let's log into this account let's see what this was let's see who you talk to let's see what you who you message like let's see this like i i would like to see and i think this is also like grounds for like okay cool let me let me look through your phone

let me look through the rest of your emails like let me see all of this stuff because like at the end of the day if when we do something that can be like interpreted wrong or is like suspicious or anything like that like there's proof like we know when we make choices or say something that like oh this could look bad we like we we say it do what i mean like we like we cover our bases and it's like oh um heads up this happened this happened or whatever or like there would just be proof of it and like the immediate reaction if you are not guilty for something that like looks bad it's like oh god i'm so sorry i totally see how this like looks super bad like but no if he's if it looks bad it's bad and if there is an explanation that

makes sense it will make sense to you it won't just make sense to him you listening to it would be like oh okay that yep that fully makes sense like that fully i get that now he's playing on the fact that you think that he is harsh he's betting on the fact that you think he's a better guy than he is and that you are going to choose to believe what he's saying with all of the evidence pointing in a different direction and that's insulting like that's so insulting to have your partner be manipulating you to think that way or also thinking you're stupid enough to to ignore all of the signs and all of the evidence and just believe them on their word and then if he's good at that that's fucking terrifying because then this is not the fucking

first thing that he's done yeah this is not the first time at all and i would also like be in that fucking email look at this stuff and like this is such an obscure fucking site like look at every every single other like tinder bumble like look at anything else and then look at all the other fucking like obscure ones because he didn't go on tinder he went on a place where he knew he wasn't going to see any of your fucking friends like see anyone who would like it was thought out to pick a fucking random as shit clearly again it was either thought out or this it looks like one of the sites like if you're on a porn site that they advertise on the side it does look like a pot it could like i could see the pop-up now no it's true like there's

and also he's canceled it what she said three months later a month later sometime around there after but it's still with was in two months of their relationship and why is he still getting the emails yeah and also a year later immediately saw that like and you're like oh this is not that's the thing like if you click on it it's not porn and you see that it's not porn and then you're like oh okay no like this isn't something you would have to sign up and make an account to see oh surprise guess what it's not porn yeah it's actually just dating and that's what everything fucking says it's like it's about dating but um look through and if he's like shady and it's like doesn't want you to look through all of his stuff because he should want

you to he should want you to look through everything to be like yeah no look there's absolutely nothing here like which i'm gonna level with you if there's nothing there it's because he deleted it like i don't buy this at all but if he's getting defensive and protective over his own privacy in this kind of situation that like that's because there is something to hide but like i would look at bank statements i would look at like venmo i would look at uber like i would look at like from that time period i would look at all of that kind of stuff to see like i just do not fucking foresee this being the one and only time he did there's no way this and he's not being honest with you now about like the situation like and also like okay let's say

he was having like he wasn't sure what he wanted in the relationship and he was like or he was going through something on his own and was just like yeah i made a fucking stupid mistake i made an account realized how ridiculous i was being and how i didn't want to jeopardize our relationship and i've been embarrassed there you go that's your fucking apology sir i mean you have to say sorry too and then be like and i understand if we can't move forward from this and i totally respect that decision and i am internally regretful for the mistakes that i have made and you have every right to break up with me there you go but like the idea that it's like no it's just porn like sir do you think i'm stupid and i hate that he's doing that because

you're even fucking calling in saying am i overreact like he's getting he's getting to you and like you don't feel like you have people you can talk to about this and like you don't feel like you have yeah a support system or like friends that you can candidly talk about this like if you are doubting yourself so much in this situation when it comes to what we're seeing clearly as presented like the fucking facts either you have had stuff in your past that's made you like this and he is preying on that or he's he's been in your head for so long that like he's been playing mind games that you can't trust yourself and you can't trust your judgment already so it's either it's either what either he's taking advantage of the fact that that's already

something that you struggle with from previous relationships or previous people in your life in general or he's put that in you agree this is trash yeah he's lying he is lying he is lying search his phone he is lying all right it's time for don't blame them okay what is it from uh it's actually a response to several calls that we've had oh okay no at all no it's like one topic but like yeah i'm sure yeah hi megan and melissa and anybody else who's listening to this um i am calling as a don't blame them for a bunch of episodes um that i've heard where you guys talk about um ssris and different medications for um depression and anxiety and you know bipolar disorder and all of that um and specifically how they affect your sex life

sex drive and the physiology of that. So I'm 27 and I've been on some sort of medication for my major depressive disorder for about 11 years since I was 16. I pretty much tried all of them in different ways. I've got the best psychiatrist that I trust and who talks to my psychologist and and all of that is great, but I wanted to suggest a book and a tip for anybody who is experiencing sexual side effects to taking a medication like that. First off, the book recommendation and the reason that I solved the problem for myself, there's a book that's literally called Moody Bitches, the truth about the drugs you're taking, the sleep you're missing, the sex you're not having and what's really making you crazy. The author is Julie Holland and it's wonderful. She

explains the physiology of SSRIs and hormones and libido and everything like that. And because I read her book, I actually got the courage to ask my psychiatrist one time a couple years ago, a few years ago, if there was a way to fix the problem, because I had never had an orgasm before. I just assumed that I couldn't because I had the, you know, I was on the medication, and he didn't even bat an eyelash and said, yeah, you know, there's, you know, this medication, and I'm not going to say it because I'm not a doctor and don't want to, you know, put any ideas in somebody's head, But I just wanted to tell your listeners that are worried about that stuff in the past that it is fixable. And I was worried about it being awkward, but it really was not.

And honestly, I felt super empowered and still do every time I take it. So, yeah, just a little tip, book a recommendation, and success story of therapy and a good psychiatrist. Thank you. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. And I just want to say thank you.

I so appreciate you not saying the medication. Just thank you. That's I think we can get into a habit a lot. People who are on medications or who, you know, anything in general. That's I mean, that's one of the things that like I'm deleting the Facebook group fucking constantly as people talking about like specific brands of birth control and all that kind of stuff. I'm like, guys, we're not doctors.

yeah we can't be giving out specific information our own personal yeah and actual doctors wouldn't share anything either unless you're their actual patient so it's just not there's a and also there's so much like fear when it comes to medical stuff and because like there's just like they're fucking years and years and years of college like there's an education that we just do not understand and it's human instinct and human nature to kind of want to prevent other people from having the same experiences that we've had or to like demystify the meaning of it and all of that kind of stuff but there's a reason why we don't get it there's a reason why we don't understand everything immediately it's because there are people who go to school for all of

these years and um those every body works different and like that's that's why it's and i've said it so many times i think i've said on here before but like especially when it comes like birth control like my first gynecologist she was like i don't want you to look up any side effects of any birth control because all they're going to do is freak you out and like most of the time all it's probably going to do is like you're not going to be able to understand that like these side effects that you think that you're having that is from the birth control can be from something completely and entirely different and then we're not addressing that and that's what we should be addressing because like what you see as a side effect of this birth

control is actually you're not reading all you're not understanding all the studies behind it that that side effect is only apparent in people who are like over 45 or something like that but then you're seeing that and then we're not addressing the fact that you're having something completely unrelated and we're putting it all on one medication and how she said she had like she has many identical twins who are on completely different birth controls because their bodies metabolize them fully differently and it's so important to have a doctor that you trust a psychiatrist that you trust especially um and i think like this is i've never even knew books they had there was a book about this which i think is so great because it does like she said

like it empowers you with the confidence to then talk to your doctor about it and i'm assuming this book is also written by a doctor like there is something about uh understanding the science of it in a way that is meant for you to understand it do you what i mean like as opposed to when you google something or you like look up like you're seeing like reviews of medications or people talking about their own like anecdotal personal experiences with this but it's it's so personal versus when something's like this it's written for you to understand the meaning and the science behind everything which then you can apply to your real life with the help of your doctor which i think is great me too but i love it moody bitches

um yeah thank you so much for that that's like yeah i think this is very illuminating i think he's probably one of the most common things we talk about um well thank you for that i think that's it for our episode that is it well guys um we hope you enjoyed if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and please keep it under three minutes long over 18 or have your parents permission to call in if you want to watch the video version we are over on patreon if you want to just support our patreon we do live streams there twice a month it's really fun and uh it helps us continue to do this show that you're listening to

right now um if you want to listen ad free stitcher premium follow us on instagram follow us on twitter can't tell you to vote anymore but hopefully we have results right now yeah And if you're in any other country Where elections are happening Vote And say Have some positive thoughts for the United States Keep us in your

Thoughts and prayers Thoughts and prayers I've been saying thoughts and players Like thoughts with an O Got it I'm spelling it out That hoe over there That hoe over there

in players um anything else anything you want to add nope i'm good no yeah okay guys i'm gonna go take my morning poop we will talk to you we'll see you next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts Edited by Katrina Henning and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.