Don't Blame Me! - S6E25: Breaking Up with a Racist Friend w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: Into bad boys Issue with a bad dad An ex reaching out Endangering others' health Don't Blame Them: ex having a baby   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. If you are brand new here, this is an advice podcast where you guys call in with your questions and we give you the best advice that we can give. And the best advice that we can give is only the best advice that we can give because we are you know not um psychics sadly we're not witches sadly though i did google how to become a witch i would like to learn so i would like to learn as well there's i think we should there's a podcast called basic witches and we've had these gals on directionally challenged before and i think they would be open to helping us well you guys you know who knows maybe in a couple episodes

we'll have the intro being like welcome don't blame me we are actually witches certified witches and bitches um but speaking of bitches we are giving advice for our own personal experience we are um you know not the kind of friends that you go to when you just want them to agree with what you're saying we definitely don't sugarcoat our advice we give our advice like we give each other like we give our other friends we are the honest bitches that you come to when you really want the um the truth you want us to shoot it to you straight and we uh have a phone number to call in if you want to call in the phone number is 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com and you need to leave your voicemail

under three minutes otherwise you will be cut off and you will also be shamed by melissa if you do not write it down and we like you to write it down because then you know what you're going to say you can practice how long it's going to be you can include all the important details and you're not you know wasting wasting our time and also a personal pet peeve of melissa's is when you start with i've recorded this a bunch of times over and over again so i'm going to try this again any sort of like little quick disclaimer of wasting the time it's wasting because if you would have written it down to begin with then you wouldn't have wasted your time either i'm just looking out for the both of us you know I'm a giver oh and I should do our introductions I'm

Megan Rinks Renew here hello and then my wonderful co-host producer that is Melissa DeMonts hello you know what I noticed is that you when we first got into quarantine you said you would say welcome to don't blame me in the quarantine but at what point did that stop when we realized that we're never getting out no this is this is this is the new normal i was talking to sydney about this and sydney and mods are both like optimistic and they're like seeing the bright side and sydney me and sydney's boyfriend are both like no this is just this is just like how it is now like this is just our forever sort of thing and both of us are like not allowed to like voice that to the other and so then when i'm on facetime with sydney her boyfriend and i will he's like we'll be like

oh my god we have to talk about this because she won't let me he's like yeah no i'm just i've just accepted this is our new normal this is why we bought a peloton they bought a peloton not not me i was thinking about a peloton because they've partnered with beyonce dude i truly i like have those moments every once in a while where i'm like do i need a peloton right and i've never been hit with that feeling more until i saw that headline i go i think i need a peloton i mean Yeah, because when she was filming her homecoming special, she said, well, I mean, not specifically filming, but when she was prepping for it, she would do SoulCycle all day. And I'm like, when did she make the switch from SoulCycle to Peloton?

I mean, I'm going to guess it's also probably around the time that that hefty donation was made uh and that like five million dollar party was like hey fundraiser donald trump yep wow yep that's what i felt i just wanted it to be said out loud oh yeah yeah yeah yeah without a doubt well i guess we should um just do a quick update of where the world is at right now because the last time that we filmed it was the fourth which was the day after election day and everything was looking really good i was nervous you were very confident and something that we should all learn here is melissa's very wrong very rarely wrong but also when it comes to math and shit like that i just need to trust that you know because like in my head i'm like no of course like you were

like no no it's good it's good and now i get it because you are essentially steve chris not krasinski steve what's his name core cold whatever one of those that's literally like what you were doing and why you were so confident i was like oh okay yeah i was watching tv i was staying on phone the tv and calculating as we went so you know i might have missed my calling maybe i have another career we'll see we'll see what happens we'll just i mean it would only be for a few days a week it's it's true a year i mean every four years essentially maybe maybe i start doing it for us like in four years i'm the person and i do it and i get a touch screen essentially just a big ipad because yeah who's gonna afford one of those screens but and i just do it for the don't blame

me community and it will bring us so much peace and solace through these trying times so i'm still wearing you know some merch my i think you had that on when we recorded last week really i thought i had my yellow one on oh yeah that's right it was the only because we matched yeah i wanted to uh you know pay homage to the uh president and vice president-elect and yeah you know story still developing of the um lame sitting duck in the uh white house but it is an absolutely wild wild time to uh watch kind of the republicans and trump supporters flounder it is like i've never seen more hypocrisy i know the hypocrisy and then some of them they're just like guns blazing like we're gonna do it and i'm just like no you're not this is a democracy

yeah and i love people who are being like um like watch out like we're gonna have like another al gore situation on our hands i go yeah al gore going to the electoral call like and and then him not winning like that's and you know in this situation trump is al gore right like also there's millions of votes not like 500 votes in florida that we're worried about like there's joe and kamala are so far ahead there's also like the thing with that when people are like the democrats rigged the election if we rigged it why did we lose house seats if we rigged it why is Mitch McConnell in office why are we like waiting for this runoff so that we can have you know in Georgia to see if we can get not not even the majority it would be so we

could tie and then Kamala would get the the uh the tiebreaker vote yeah yeah so before we get into all of our calls we have a live update so let's hear it so um if you would just start by sharing what episode you were on in the past like summarizing what your original thing was and then giving us an update i called in about two years ago i was on season three episode 12 uh the episode with Mott's and I was actually the title episode so the title episode is into bad boys question mark and yes I am and I was and still continue to be um basically I called in and I had met this guy on tinder and we had been talking for a couple months and um we finally got around to like having our first date um and it went really really well we found out a lot about each other and um we had

a lot in common he was a soundcloud rapper um yes and I really like singing so I was like into music technology at school and so was he so we had like a lot in common and it seemed to be going really well trying to be jay-z and beyonce yeah something like that yeah so like jay-z is insulted you compared him to soundcloud hey i'm just talking about rapper and singer rapper and single you're right you're right you're right you're right well little tidbit little side thing um his music was really bad no way i'm so surprised i was listening to it i was like you're doing really well anyway yeah so we were having like good conversations and towards the end of the night like I walked him out to his car or whatever and he was like I just want to let

you know like I'm on probation and I was like okay okay that's fine like may I ask what it was for and it was for dealing weed which I've been like down that road many many times and so I was basically calling in to see like what I should do because I've had a history with bad boys and so I didn't know if I should like go for it if I should like stay away because like the last couple drug dealers that I was dating or whatnot ended up being crazy people um but that was pretty much it i just wanted your guys's advice on like um if i should go through with it or whatever and yes he did end up being on probation for being a drug dealer um and then my i guess my update is like he ghosted me so it didn't work out in the end anyways i know you guys

are like serial ghosters we are we are a serial ghosty so this happens to me often um and it wasn't it also was not my last bad boy rodeo i recently found myself um in love with a sociopathic narcissistic pathological liar last year very much i don't know what is wrong with my brain i think i got i got mommy issues i don't know if that says anything it does it it says a lot it says a lot is your mom a narcissist yes okay so my therapist has taught me and i think i've said it i don't think i said on an episode i said i don't know i think i said it before but we my therapist told me that we only pick people to like be in our lives like friendship relationship capacity of people that we already know like personality

types that we already know we just gravitate towards that and when it comes to romantic relationships we inevitably if you grew up in like an emotionally abusive household or you grew up with like a narcissistic or absent parent you automatically have pick me syndrome and so then you date people who are like what will prove you wrong in like the similar similar traits but like then if you pick me then it will like fix all of my other issues and like then I will feel better i need to go to therapy um yeah but i've kind of like analyzed that myself and like the last like last year when i cut that like crazy boy off um the narcissist one i was really like trying to figure out like why i do like why i choose these people and like why i let them treat

me the way that they do and ever since like i was younger like i have been attracted to women and i've been attracted to men and so like now i've come out as bisexual to everyone and yay that's not that like i couldn't say that like when i called two years ago also listening to my voice i just listened to it back and i i sound like such a little person and monster's like cute monster's like you're 18 you don't know shit i apologize on his behalf he's not that's the thing his delivery isn't always the most like soft and sweet and coddling but he's not necessarily wrong no no i i definitely agree with him i did not know shit and i also like didn't know shit about myself either um i feel

like it's more about me than like bad boys or like bad girls now in general but yeah i guess my update is i am gay now and i am staying away from the bad ones are you attracted to that like those same similar kind of personality traits in women yeah definitely like i'm more attracted to like masculine women if that makes sense like i think feminine women are gorgeous and i would love to be their friends but like sexually i'm more attracted to like masculine women and like that same kind of like bad girl sort of like behavior yeah absolutely yeah i feel like i'll always be attracted to that like even in like the netflix series you i was like literally everyone felt that way but the thing that's great is once you get older and something

that i realized because like again i relate to all of that and like also like mommy issues and like pick me syndrome and also dated like a whole string of drug dealers and very much attracted to the bad boy thing but then it's like when you start to get older and you mature and everyone else around you starts mature you like realize you're like oh I'm attracted to like cockiness but that can just be confidence like it doesn't have to be this negative sort of emotion but when we're younger everything's kind of heightened and more dramatic that like we don't have to like i'm never going to like a simp dude like i'm never gonna like a dude who's like so sweet like good morning baby like you're so beautiful i'm like like i literally can't but like there is that

there's this distinction that like when i was younger i really thought like there were those like really fucking cringe dudes where i was like literally get away from me i hate you and then there were the guys who were like i don't really give a fuck about you but like we can fuck and i'm like oh my god but like oh there's like actually like a middle ground of people who like can have that confidence yes that I'm attracted to but like also don't treat me like shit I'm like oh okay exactly yeah and I've definitely come to that realization and I know my worth I know that I should not like one of the drug dealers I dated like dead ass did not talk to me for like two weeks and just like went on like a rampage and then like came back and I was like it's fine

missed you like how are you did we date the same person because i i've literally i've literally had that where you go so you're like did and i dated guys who have also like been addicted to drugs and like have previously done i was like did you relapse did you just sell are you in jail like what fucking happened here i was you're still like i don't care though just like let me know yeah pick me pick me literally pick me just like circle back whenever you're free I also think it might be due to the fact that my mom is an alcoholic too so I grew up around addiction like it's just a whole stir of things which I'm like super duper happy that I'm aware of now so like I don't follow in those patterns that I did because they always like ended up

hurting me in the end and I also think I was trying to repress like my bisexual side like I really like did not want that to come out and so I don't know a lot of self-discovery within these past two years but I really am thankful that you guys gave me the advice that you did at the time I mean granted he ghosted me before I listened to it but you know like it helped me down the road so thank you so much this was so it's yeah I'm so happy to hear that this is like been a evolving and growing sort of thing for you and I'm excited for you and I hope I always wish for after people have had like tumultuous, like heterosexual relationships and are also like attracted to like women or people of other genders. I always get very excited because I'm like, I just hope

you like have to get like a wonderful relationship with like a woman next. And it's like so nice and great. And it is nothing like the trash man that you've dated. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate it. I love y'all so much. And yes, I hope the best for my relationship life. I mean, I don't foresee me dating a straight man for quite some time. I love that for you. I love that for you. There are, there are so few and far between.

So the good ones. Absolutely. Loved the update so much. We love, we love the personal growth. We love to see it. And let's get into our first call. Hi,

Melissa, Megan. And so I love the podcast and this is just, i'll get right into this because there's kind of a lot to say about it um so my parents are split up since i was younger and ever since i was younger my dad would come kind of come over on some weekends and stay with us but he didn't kind of he would just kind of ruin the whole like vibe like they would literally just like argue over the weekends and then he'd kind of direct his anger onto us um and he's also a bit of an alcoholic so um he would just drink every

single night um and then he didn't really do anything kind of fun with us because he'd mainly be like hungover and then he'd just go and like chill out in a stable with the horses it was kind of weird um but he didn't really kind of try and make an effort and keep up to date with us and see how we were doing in school and everything he'd kind of just get that sort of information from my mum and then as I kind of like grew up and started to realise for myself I started realising how like kind of scummy he was and I kind of just stopped putting in effort for my part because there was kind of no point and then I think the last straw for me was when I was moving out of my home when I was like 18 and I was moving to a city because I was like a student and all that stuff and I

couldn't so I bought a phone but I couldn't afford to get a phone plan so I was like I knew that he was kind of rich so I was like can you help me out with this and he was like no no no I'm too poor like I can't pay $20 a month for your sim card like I just can't afford it and I was like okay fine whatever I'd try and like maybe skip food shopping for a week and get some in phone plan or whatever and then literally like the next weekend he bought a $30,000 yacht even though he doesn't like go sailing or anything it just sits at the harbour and then after that I kind of stopped replying to him and he told everyone that he knew and everyone in our family that I'd blocked him and put in an effort and just like blame the victim when I didn't really do that so I just he

just didn't call or text or anything but so he thought that I'd blocked him and then after two years of moving out I was like I'm gonna go traveling and so I left in December last year and I'm still out now um and my mum started to feel bad for him and thinking that I'm being a bit over dramatic and she feels sorry for him now but he just never messages me or anything so well I suppose he can't because he blogged um but what do you guys think about the situation do you think I'm being over dramatic do you think I should try and make an end and then like before i left or anything he didn't make an effort at all um but anyway love the podcast bye guys i don't like him i don't like him at all like he who just goes out and buys a yacht

without any consideration at all for their child that they can't they can buy a thirty thousand yacht but can't pay for their child's cell phone bill and also sorry and they've been absent from your life the whole time and he like even if he came to visit you he still wouldn't be physically with you to go hang out in the horse stables it's so messed up the the phone is a means of communication with him like that would have been like and in first of all homies got thirty thousand dollars to spend on a yacht like twenty dollars is not an investment but like for somebody who is then going to like turn around and like a claim play the victim and say that he's putting all this effort in like when you came to him saying like you wanted like help for help with

your phone plan which would have been a means of communication with him and so like him choosing not to help you with that like not only is it like a slap in the face and like oh fuck you you don't really care about me because like you just flat out lied to me about like not being able to afford it but it is also like if we take it as like a bigger symbolic thing it's like you are choosing this this yacht which is like just about you versus communication with me like that's what it is like it's not it's like it's it's communication with you to like build a relationship and then now that you're you have the phone and like you're paying for it like he wants to reap the benefits he wants you to then like come to him and communicate with him and like this is just

I think you need to have a conversation with your mom and be like I don't want to have a relationship with him like he's constantly disappointed me and I don't know if you have a good relationship with your mom it sounds I'm like from this you haven't mentioned it so like if you do have a good relationship with your mom then telling her hey it really hurts me when then it feels like he's coming through you to talk to me about this kind of stuff and like i'm an adult like i don't want to have a relationship with him and that's like the choice that i made for myself and like i if he's not going to respect like that's like why i've blocked him and like i don't want to talk to him and so i don't i don't want to hear about it from like you like if you can

feel bad for him but like you are a great parent like you're the parent that i need and if i accept him into my life right now that's i'm not that's not i benefit that's not for me like that's just because you want me to when i needed him he wasn't there for me yeah and this like i this like nuclear family like uh kodak family fucking shit and this idea and stuff like it is so backwards and messed up because a parent is not just who fucking like the sperm or like the egg that made you there are requirements of being a parent versus just like as opposed to just like paternity or maternity like that's like they're like you have to have been there for me like you have to be like fatherly motherly like there needs to be something there and if it's not then this is just

like we're getting into like the fucking genes and the science of it all and there's no emotional ties there and like there is nothing that like there's no fucking reason and no fucking need to sacrifice like your happiness and what you want based on like societal norms of like oh like still have your dad in your life like like blah blah blah i get that like parents are not perfect people but if they don't bring any any good to your life there's no fucking like there's no point then those are like narcissistic shitty people that are just like expecting to be given things in return that they don't deserve and just because someone like and also fucking i'm sorry like the sperm of it all just because someone like contributed like some like dna for you does

not mean they're owed literally anything right at all right so you calling was this based on you um feeling like the people, other people in your life are pressuring you to have a relationship with him or, or is it you, um, feeling like you need some type of closure with him? And so, um, I would figure that out. And like, if you, if you do still like need to say like your piece to him, then do that. But if not, then he doesn't, he's not make, he didn't make the monumental effort to be in your life from the get so why why should you be the one that's making all the effort I fully agree next call hi Megan and Melissa I love the podcast recently my ex-boyfriend of like six years from when I was 15 um we dated for about two months

has been messaging me a lot and I think it's most likely because of lockdown but essentially like when we broke up there was it was done like I went a little bit emo for a few weeks but we weren't really friends or anything and we didn't talk to each other for about three years on my 18th birthday he reached out to me wished me a happy birthday and we started talking and I sort of weirdly enough helped him through his latest breakup at the time. Um, and he's not the most mentally stable person. He's told me a few times, um, about his experiences with depression and anxiety. So I was there for him as much as I could be, but obviously like, I didn't really want to pursue any sort of friendship or anything like that with him because it's just not on my

mind and recently he's reached out again and weirdly enough told me about his new latest breakup um which was odd and I've tried to be nice to him because I don't want him to feel like he's stupid for reaching out to someone if you're in a dark place obviously it's important to have a support system, but I just don't think that's my role in his life. Um, I have been in a relationship for two years with another guy and it's been making him uncomfortable. And he feels like my ex from the age of 15 has been overstepping his boundaries in the situation and shouldn't be asking me to go on like COVID safe walks with him and things like that. And I just don't really know how to shut it down. Um, this tonight was the third time that he's reached out to me in like

two weeks. And I, I don't know, I don't really know what to do. I've been pretty nice, but yeah, it's kind of, kind of uncomfortable. So you guys dated for two months when you were 15. So essentially, it really didn't count because, I mean, it's two months and you're 15. You weren't friends. You're still not friends. He's reaching out to you now. It's making you uncomfortable. It's making your boyfriend uncomfortable. You should not. I could understand if you guys were friends before,

but you should not be responsible for someone else's comfortability if you're uncomfortable yeah and mental you guys are not close um and someone who's discussing their mental health with you that as someone with mental health that's just manipulative like unless yeah unless you're incredibly incredibly close and it's someone that you can like count on and also again like normalize getting people's consent before you emotionally unload on them and he's doing this in like a manipulative way and i'm gonna probably just gonna throw some assumptions out there i'm gonna assume he's probably like a serial dater and has gone on from relationship to relationship i'm also probably gonna assume that like you're not the only girl that he's like

talked to that he is still reaching out to now that like he gets a lot of his validation from uh romantic relationships that he's like had um and you didn't like you were very nice like and i get it and i think there's a lot of times like when we can like end up in these situations and we're just like fuck i like i'm in too deep i shouldn't have said this i shouldn't have gotten to this here like now i can't get out you can't like it's very valid and okay that like the first time someone reaches out to you about this kind of thing it like might feel a little bit weird but like there definitely is a guilt thing that you're like well no i should i don't want to read too much into it and like think that i'm being weird about it and like maybe they just want to

like meet up and like who could like who knows like i'll i think that's a great trait to have as someone who is like i am not that person like i'm so skeptical like i'm so not like open in that sense like if i got a message like i would just be like i'm not responding this is fucking weird but i think it's great people and like sydney's very much this kind of person like if someone reached out who like we weren't really friends with in high school like wanted to get coffee like she would do it I would be like no what weird like I hate that but that's just like the kind of person that she is and I think it's a really admirable quality but just because you've done it and you've talked to him and like hung out with him like social distance wise or like

helped him through this like whether it was once before or even like if you did it this week that doesn't mean that you consent to doing that forever and it also can just be like having a conversation with him and I would do it reaching out to him as opposed to like a response to him messaging you again just to kind of get ahead of it and I would say um hey I just wanted to message you and say I uh it over the last couple of years it's like you know it's it's it's been nice to like hear from you and like hear what you've been up to and stuff and um obviously like I have a lot of um empathy for you for like what you were going through with like your previous breakup and the breakup right now and as much as like I have tried to kind of compartmentalize like

my own feelings and like be able to be there for you I am just I don't have the capacity to do that and I don't I'm not someone who like I you need someone that you can like really count on and rely on and that person's not me and I definitely thought it could have been me which was why I tried but i have now known i now know like my limitations with all of this and i wish you the absolute best and that's it yeah and leave it at that um if he responds again and asks you other questions don't respond back because you've already given him your answer and you've told him you don't have the capacity and if he still asks you more questions that means that he does not respect your boundaries that you've set yeah and if you don't have to say anything about like

oh my boyfriend's not comfortable with x y and z like i think it's really important for you to stress that like here's the thing you maybe in theory you could be comfortable but like that's not your innate response like you're not getting anything out of this relationship like you're not personally enjoying this like you're not a therapist you're not being paid for this like even if like you could sacrifice a lot and like be oak like you could like come to terms with it that's not comfortability right and so like i wouldn't bring your boyfriend up into it and then if he brings up like oh is your boyfriend uncomfortable with it that's also not something that you need to respond to either like you don't need to defend if he comes at this and like tries

to put blame on like somebody else or like even if he does like oh i get it like and i could see this happening um if he's like i get it like i'm a lot like that's what like everyone tells me like my mental health is too much for other people blah blah blah blah blah it's like it's something like that that alarms you like definitely respond and say something and whether it's like if if he if you're like very concerned like calling professionals and like alerting them of this but if there's anything like anything like additionally left that he's doing like that it's like no it's really not that it's about me and my capacity but i definitely would recommend And but if you are feeling this this way about this, like I would definitely recommend therapy.

It can be incredibly helpful. And then that's it. Like there there is nothing. You don't owe him anything. And if he makes you feel like you do or you feel like you do because you opened this door and started these conversations like that's not misleading at all. It's like we have to figure those things out to then be like, OK, now I can make my decision. like i didn't necessarily like know that this was how i was going to feel about it or that i wouldn't have the capacity to deal with it and like now i know because i tried and would you

rather i not try at all or like and say no or like try and then be like this isn't gonna happen exactly okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of our calls hey megan and melissa love the podcast um i'm 25 torres from the south and i'm an african-american woman so i really don't know why i'm calling because the situation already happened and i don't really know what I'm looking for, but I guess validation or what you think I should do. I don't know. I'm an empath. So I like feel things even when I shouldn't. But so I was really close friends with this girl. She used to be my best friend. We met when we both worked retail at the

time. We bonded really quickly because we were fangirls of the same things. It was a fast relationship and it was great, especially because I didn't have that many friends at the time. And she filled a void, I guess. So she's also a Republican and is a very staunch Trump supporter. That's like her personality trait is Trump. And again, I live in the South. So very common people drive around with pickup trucks with huge Trump flags and Confederate flags on the bed of their trucks. And it's just par for the course here. I hate it here. So she's also the kind of personality that's like, whatever I post on Facebook, don't comment on it. If you're a Democrat, I'm going to delete your comment, whatever, whatever. So she's always been like that. I've never said anything

which is on me. It's my fault as an African-American person, especially being her quote unquote best friend. I should have said stuff right whenever she would say something ignorant, but I didn't. And that's an area of growth that I've had over the last few years. So when the most recent looting started happening, she took personal offense because she worked at a place that was looted here where we live we have the same it's a huge chain and she would just kept calling these people thugs and animals and I took offense to it so long story short we exchanged words on Facebook then we took it to um not Twitter uh to text and I said my piece I said how I feel like she completely invalid invalidates me and my feelings and long story short we just kind of agreed to

disagree which what and we just called it a night with the texting so she texted her other friend who is also a Black woman and said that I was attacking her. And then she also goes on a rampage saying how Blacks, right? Like coloreds, like what even, bring things upon ourselves and that Jewish people have it worse and you don't see them complaining or Irish people complaining. And we make ourselves look bad and not all police officers look bad and this, that, and the other.

And she didn't say this to me because if she did, I would have absolutely hurt her feelings because I'm a very loud person about my beliefs and stuff, especially now because I haven't been growing up in a mainly white place being one of the only ethnic people I I that's a whole other story but I don't know you guys like should I not have so we're not friends anymore like her family called me ignorant which that joke writes its own self but I don't know it was I in the wrong should I not have done that what should I have done better I just I know you guys are similar to me so I don't know what I want I just I don't know

oh whole color i too black person growing up around mostly white people in the south republican the difference is i wasn't in a time where um trump was in office and i don't think like the republican that was there before george w bush was just like inherently evil or racist or have this like gang mentality that is going on now so it wasn't anything that while I was there racism wasn't like something that was overt in most people especially the people that I was friends with of course but now like the people that I'll say half of the people that um I went to high school with i just block them because i don't want to see anything um i'm not on facebook

so i don't get the brunt of the evilness but the ones that were on on instagram saying things then i just block them and i know it's a little bit harder because you're still there i'm in california now it's way different i don't have to worry about saying things that will um bring attention upon myself because when you're other you try to fit in as much as possible for your own survival and so I don't have to worry about that now but I know that you do so um I understand you not saying things earlier on because you you were trying not to stand out but now that she has showed who she really is like you I think you did what you should have done and you stood up for yourself later on um you know what you stand for um and I think just going

forward don't this kind of goes back to what we were saying in the update don't minimize yourself to be with other people if you see like from an earlier stance that you um you already have beliefs that aren't going to align with someone don't be friends with them you guys were in a similar place you were working together you had this bond but I would say like going forth if it's something like that where you have a bond with somebody that you work with it's just a work friend and you don't get involved in their personal life yeah i think there's something to be said too about uh and i don't mean this in like a be jaded kind of way but you don't have to give people the benefit of the doubt like you really

don't and like i think i can't imagine how like hard like the whole thing that you've said in like of of the of being othered and wanting to wanting to fit in and not really wanting to bring attention to yourself in that kind of way so like like you said this is something that there's a lot of people in your life who align with her belief system and that stuff and like it's a coping mechanism and a protection mechanism for yourself to to to not engage like you don't have to fucking engage with people like this and like the second that someone says or does something that like offends you you you get to make the choice of is it worth my energy to fight this right now or do i just want to block this and ignore this and

then move on like that is also self-care there is a way of standing um addressing people too and like i will honestly say i think if you've only ever really gotten into her with her once it's because subconsciously you knew there was no point and i think that was a choice of self-care and it wasn't like when you're talking about like reflecting on your previous self being like i can't believe i said this i should have done this that's self-preservation that's what my therapist says like we can't look back on how we reacted to other things and be upset with ourselves because we did what we needed to in the moment and like now that you're looking back on it and thinking that you would have done it differently like that's just showing like growth and change and like

what you will no longer accept into your life and this woman is awful like she is a horrible horrible person and you've been brought her family into it and them calling you ignorant which like she said the joke writes itself yeah but it's not on you none of that is on you and you being friends with her there is no you did nothing wrong here you did nothing wrong by being friends with this person like there is no i would take away any sort of anger you have with the version of yourself or yourself at the time who became friends with her and who yeah who who became friends with her because I think there can be some anger of pissed at yourself of being like why did I do this and why did I let this happen and you didn't let anything happen she chose what

she was going to do she said what she was going to say that it say that has absolutely nothing to do with you and all I think that this has shown is like yeah growth and like you being like this is i deserve people in my life who are not fucking like this and it's awful and horrible and uh i and her even going to your other friend about like what did the other girl say i'm assuming that's who told her yeah i know but what did she say in response to what was being said yeah that's a good question this is awful you did everything right don't don't think that you should have done anything different um this is an experience that you've been through learn from it look towards the future um and

i get it like i totally get it i've been there if you want me to um verbally um harass her just let me know you know let white ally over here fight the white battles and if you need someone to talk to reach out to me i'm i'm ready i'm fucking ready and that goes for any uh anybody um if you're a white person reaching out asking me to like yell at your other white friend no but you should be doing that that's the practice that like that's what we that's our that's our job but anybody else i am so fucking happy i'm very very very fucking happy to uh to do that yeah it's my job people be responsible for your people hi so i'm a long-time listener i'm a cancer by the way um so basically what happened is I met this guy on Bumble and I you know

invited him over and started seeing him we slept together you know but like I developed feelings he told me he developed feelings but you know as he like as our relationship progressed I you know just introduced him to my roommate because they were around, he was around, you know, I'm a polite person. He really started, you know, liking and hanging out with one of my particular roommates. And I was just like, oh, you know, whatever, they're friends. I mean, they just became friends. So I want to say last week, he convinced my roommate to break up with her current boyfriend

and start dating him. So, he basically texted me this long text being like, hey, I don't want to date you because you have, like, too many problems and a lot of things going on in your life, which is true, but still kind of fucked up to say. And then the next night, she spends the night at his place and texts me this long text being like, hey, you know, we're dating. Sorry it had to happen this way. And I was like, cool, like, I'm not friends with people who hurt me like this. and she's just like yeah i'm sorry you feel that way so literally like i just don't know what to do she's my roommate like literally i'm like i'm not over this guy but like i i'm trying to get over him i couldn't care less but literally like i'm so pissed off at my like this girl who's my

roommate who's supposed to be my friend and i know like don't live with friends but like whatever i can't financially leave this situation until may so i'm kind of fucked and i don't know what to do so i know people it's your turn it's your turn i know um we have some uh i would like to call them pandemic apologists who hate that there are calls like this on the show quite regularly um and we will stop having calls on the show like this when our calls these calls stop coming in here's the thing like would i love to fucking give you some like real like would i love to like dive into this like in any other circumstance yes but and would i feel bad for you in any other fucking circumstance yes but you know this is this is karma this is fucking miss rona being like

oh you're gonna ignore me well watch watch what i can fucking do this is so incredibly reckless and here's the fucking thing you're not fooling anyone when anyone calls in and talks about and and just glazes over and doesn't even address the fucking pandemic like you're not fooling anyone we know we're not going to not pick up on it um if you're not even gonna fucking like make it up and fucking say like oh so this all happened before the pandemic and i'm still having feelings about it if at least fucking lie like at least fucking lie to us like i would rather you fucking lie and cover your ass about this then call on here and then be like surprised when you get fucking called out we are still in the middle of a fucking pandemic and you are not taking any any fucking

precautions at all and then you have again the audacity to be upset at this guy you know what he's not a fucking good guy do you know why because you met him on fucking bumble during a pandemic and he fucking came over and exposed you and your roommates to all of the fucking shit that he's been around i'm gonna fucking bet you you're not the first person he's seen and i'm also gonna bet you that he didn't get tested and then get quarantined then you got tested and you and your roommates all quarantined also you could fuck some dude it didn't happen because if it did you would have told us and like this other girl's boyfriend is involved in this whole circle too and the fact that no one cared that he came over means that no one in this house is taking the

pandemic seriously yep and you're not upset about the fact that you i had friends who like have like early on in the pandemic like opened their bubble to like a dude and they like got tested before but like didn't really quarantine and then it like blew up in their faces and the amount of regret that they were like i'm fucking pissed that now i have to get another test in quarantine for two weeks afterwards for some dude it didn't work out with like i'm pissed at myself for like making that kind of rash decision and wasting on this dude but like you're not upset about that you're upset about what he's done when in reality this is the least bad thing that he has done yep because no one's dying not yet because no no from this action i know but they could the thing

is they're still being reckless that's the real fucking issue the the now at this point she's going over his put to his place he's probably going to still be coming over here you're going to be having to sit and look at his stupid face at some point and this whole group is just being reckless and you said she's one of your roommates so i'm guessing there's more people in this apartment and everyone is being reckless and i'm assuming he probably has roommates and his roommates if he's fucking girls i'm sure his roommates if he is straight male room or whoever i'm sure his roommates are also fucking people too because there is no unless there's like this is just like again like i i it is it is karma like this is what fucking happens like this is not

this is and this is like this is what also pisses me off so much about this kind of shit is like when it's you're not not to promo my book you're not fucking special we're all in this pandemic and like i fucking feel for my friends who like whether they like live alone or they're single or anything like that i'm like yeah that really fucking like that's so hard like i'm so lucky but like you're not the only fucking person right i i said this the beginning of this year didn't i say this is gonna be my whole year it's been dry as fuck because i have respect for my own health and other people's health and i'm not gonna be out here

being reckless time for don't blame them okay what do we have for it oh i should explain what don't blame them is for anyone who's new newbies don't blame them is where one of our listeners calls in with their own personal experience and advice on one of our former calls so the original call was in season six episode 20 and the gal that called in her ex ended up with someone that she was always suspicious of and had a baby with them oh yes yes yes yes yes so here's someone calling with similar experience hello so i'm calling in for a don't blame them from um your most recent episode of season six episode 20 where the girl is um she found out from some friends that um her ex-boyfriend who

she had such feelings about had a baby with a previous girlfriend um so just want to say like I've been in that situation and I was exactly your age I was 22 um and I had been dating this guy it was like my first serious boyfriend you know he again but he was constantly cheating on me and you know so eventually we broke up like for good and then a couple years later um I got a picture sent to me from a good friend of mine and she basically said the same thing that your friends did of you know hey like do you still follow him on insta and I was just like no like why what's up and he had gotten engaged to the girl girl that he had cheated on me with and I mean I was completely over him I had no feelings left for him but like

I you know as Megan said it was like a weird mood like my heart still hurts and I think the reason was it was because um you know we he and I had planned our life together you know and that was kind of supposed to be the ring on my finger you know I was supposed to be in those photos and then you know seven months later after they were engaged out came a baby surprise surprise And then, you know, the pain, you know, I don't even know what I call it, pain. But, you know, it was just a weird mood. And I, you know, I was completely over him, had no more feelings. But I just still felt a little hurt by it just because, you know, as I said earlier, you know, it was supposed to be him and I.

But I think what helped me get through it, and honestly, I haven't thought about this until I listened to your call, was that we dodged a bullet here, girl. like we dodged a fucking bullet these guys are trash right we dodged a bullet we stuck with our gut feelings we broke up with them for a reason and thank god all right anyways bye dodged a bullet she's right did you see um the original caller had sent us a dm and there is a little bit more new like i get it not that i get it more like it's totally a weird mood but like i'm 99 sure if i'm remembering correctly like the dude's like verified he's not like crazy like famous but like like his instagram is like you know professional photos like he's got like a blue check mark like there are people who are following him not just like friends so like

there is a little bit like of hype in the comments and that kind of thing so it does i could see how that stings differently yeah like in that really like when i saw that i was like and i don't even know if we ever responded sometimes i just like open them and then i'm like oh wow and then i like fucking i mean i do that with everybody i forget yes i mean i do it in text messages with friends literally my life but yeah i mean it's a bullet it's a bullet fucking dodged and and that you know there's it's all like none of it works out until it does it only has to work out one time and it's only gonna work out at one at once do you know what I mean like it's not like and even if you have like a second marriage if someone like you get married and your

marriage works out for the beginning and then it doesn't and then after that like then something else will work out like that's just like how life works and you dodged a bullet you dodged a fucking bullet um well guys that is it for our episode hope you enjoyed if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com um if you want to listen ad free we are on stitcher premium if you would like to support us on patreon we would love it so much we have all of the video versions of the podcast there so you can see our facial expressions and the video versions only it's only a dollar a month so that literally goes to like 20 to 25 cents

an episode um and it helps us keep this show going and we also have a five dollar tier which is where we do i mean it helps our show even more four dollars more and we also do uh live streams twice a month which twice a month which are really fun and we just they're so much fun i'm enjoying them a lot it's like we just like zoom and hang out and talk about shit and we've talked about like you know watching movies and doing like reviews and like you know that kind of stuff like recaps maybe once um we start watching uh real house of salt lake city we can have that political talks all of it and it's a great time there we would love if you joined us over there you can also follow us on socials instagram the podcast buy my book um what else if you're in

georgia please make sure to vote in the runoff election yes very much so vote vote and if you're not in georgia um you can still donate money and you can still do phone banking and text banking and if you are in georgia you can also do other volunteer opportunities so we can make sure that we can actually get shit done right next four years so let's do it let's fucking go mott says that when he watches football i just sounded like it let's fucking go i was gonna say when you're about to have sex i would be like and legs are crossed clothes for business put your dick away you nasty literally stop disgusting um uh anything else um i'm good okay we will see you guys next time

don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso