Don't Blame Me! - S6E5: My Boyfriend’s Ex Threatened to Kill Me w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Why your conversation went dry Girlfriend smokes and drinks too much Girlfriend getting a culturally-inappropriate tattoo Supporting a friend in a toxic relationship Don't Blame Them: having a senior boyfriend   Never Sleep Alone (Melisa's second newest podcast!): If you've got a question about sex or dating, call Dr. Alex at 646-484-9371 and be part of the NSA Podcast. All callers remain anonymous, and no topic is off the table.   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblamemepod  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:  http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me we are in the quarantine still despite the what that's it yep thank you i was fist pumping for um all of you audio listeners and melissa's doing some like aquarius weird fucking shit did you say aquarius finger fucking no i said weird shit but yes finger fucking that's some gentle ass finger fucking like what you're not even doing it right it comes from the wrist and then you flick the fingers i love it um welcome guys hope you're all doing well um and do we have anything i'm trying to think of any any um stuff that we uh have to discuss like any housekeeping anything no i did i had some conflict this week and usually as me i would

have just ghosted the person yeah but then i was like what would i do if i was telling somebody like the advice I would give them oh and I actually confronted the person instead of ghosting them stop it yeah and I feel like I have grown as a person I'm so proud I'm I'm so I'm into it for you was it was it cathartic or was it just purely educational for them no it was cathartic uh it was educational for them but it helped me feel better because I was pissed off oh perfect perfect that's that's always good because i always think like if i'm gonna confront someone uh sure i could do it for the sake of them but i also if i'm i i can't do it if it means like sacrificing like my i don't know like if it makes me be like if i have to like spend five hours doing something

being like okay this is how and i'm just like swallowing it because then i'm like no i'm gonna hate you forever now like i i need to release some of this steam so um i'm happy for you thank you oh this is don't blame me guys it's an advice podcast if you're new here if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can test an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and for the hundredth time please stop sliding into our dms with five bajillion texts of advice that you need that's yeah that's all we do this is a show and also like just purely like that this is what the show is for but then also like it is there's

a reason why it's a podcast like it is impossible for us to give advice through that like reading 15 text slides and remembering everything and then going it's so much easier when it's happening to you and it's your life and then you can explain it and you're like oh this makes total sense but like that's why we have a three minute time limit so you can be as concise as possible and we can also like hear everything and it's a little less stream of consciousness but then ours is my side is definitely a stream of consciousness and just won't give it to other people well should we get into it um so i'm 21 years old and i'm a gemini and i recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years i was deciding to take time for myself but i ended up getting drunk with my friend and i

downloaded tinder um it was super fun i wasn't expecting anything from it but i matched with this cool guy and we were messaging and he seemed really nice he seemed like he was into me we had a lot in common he was saying things like i'm so glad i matched with you i can't believe i found someone so similar like interest he likes talking to me more and more all that kind of stuff and he even said he wished it wasn't quarantined so we could go on a real date and i didn't end up seeing him because of corona of course but he seems fine with it like he completely understood he said he really likes getting to know me we facetimed a couple nights and it was just not awkward at all and he was just really cool and he kind of said he really hopes I'm not just looking for a hookup

and he wants to like keep talking to me so it seemed to be going great um it was almost too great in the sense that I was like whoa we literally just met on tinder this week like why is this already so comfortable and we're hitting it off but I mean I was honestly down since my last relationship was kind of toxic it was nice talking to someone like this um but the text started getting really dry and I was kind of confused like the type of person I am I always communicate and like sometimes to my detriment so I said something I was just like hey if you aren't interested anymore like just let me know I know we just met so it's not a big deal and he said no what do you mean like why and I was like I'm sorry I could totally be wrong I

just felt the energy shift but like not to make things weird and he ended up saying it was fine but he started not answering as much and I texted him the next day and I was super dry barely any messages from him but I didn't want to force it and I ended up getting drunk and texted him hey and he was answering for a little bit but after that night he basically ghosted me um I still have him on Instagram and Snapchat but no messages back I just don't really understand what I did wrong and I'm honestly a little confused because like it was going so well so I know I just met him but like I was still thinking it was weird and I just wish I had some like answers so if you guys have any insight that I'm not seeing or if I did something wrong

or if it's a red flag on his part please let me know and also like how to deal with being ghosted because I feel even a little silly being this affected by it but I'm just really confused and he's also an Aries if that helps um thanks guys bye this is the most Gemini call ever um I I I just I have like multiple friends who are gemini's it's the exact same thing where it's like a guy will like pull away and they'll be like i would like to be they're like so communicative like so all about it and then it's like they're like um oh i also want to add that i really do love the new slang um dry for like conversations when they're like sucky and like they're boring like i love when it's like oh he's just like dry

like i live for that that's not new at all okay well i i mean it's new to me okay we've been over this white people are the last to get every fucking slang straight white people are the last to get all of the slang straight and white i'm like oh dry this is so cool no um but i like it uh i mean this this guy is just like i don't know i feel like this is kind of textbook when we talk about um fuck boys like no one not that you're not that sick but no one is that cool that like right off the bat like you should be like I don't know I'm just I'm not into guys who say all that kind of stuff without knowing me like if you've known me a week you're like oh my gosh like wow I like can't believe I've met a girl like you like someone's as cool as you and

I'm like so as cool as I am you've known me within a week and you've never met another woman like that in like your whole life this one fucking week and us fucking texting and talking is like so wildly different than every other woman you've been in contact with and that to me I just think like oh so you you think less of women and you don't you're not you're not surrounded by like cool people so like why the fuck would I come into your life to be like the one I don't know like I I guess like that's just kind of like where my mind goes and the same thing as we always say is that like you should both be getting to know each other and like seeing if you're both interested and I'm sure the quarantine has like puts like the fast pedal on everything because

everyone's like horny and lonely but it's just like a lot my thing is he said if quarantine wasn't happening I would want to go on a date with you I think he was testing her to see if she would actually say yes to a date and then when she didn't say yes that's when the conversation went dry oh my god you were you are so right he just wanted to hook up yep he just wanted to hook up and so he like he like like slow pitched it to you to be like you're gonna you're gonna take it and you didn't and then he fully pulled back you're 100 right that's exactly what that was because the the dry like the that whole thing like we've done that we've all done that but that's like oh I'm not interested in this person anymore and that's yeah like you can just tell

when someone's saying something to like get something out of you and then didn't get anything out of you and then when that total shift happens but like believe that and like pay attention to that so like you didn't do anything wrong um at all and I would say like your second part of being like well how do I get over someone being ghosted like how do I like deal with all of that I I think like it's great to be like vulnerable and like open to like love and relationships and all of that stuff but I think there's also a huge part of like your heart is going to be loud no matter fucking what your head is the thing that fucking quiets down when you start to have these feelings and focus on what your head is telling you like focus on that and your brain and being like okay

well logically this feels really great but logically does this guy know me super well no like is this am i only feeling these things would i have said this to him if he didn't say it back because it always feels good to have a compliment most of the time unless like someone's like it's girl i mean i or i feel uncomfortable with a lot of compliments but like i also love attention but there's like something about it's obvious that like that's something that you want to hear and like when you hear it it can make you feel good and then make you be like that's how I feel too and it's like but did I feel that before they said that and also am I just flattered yeah and with you coming out your last relationship being very toxic you're like craving some of

that attention so it felt good that he was saying the things that you wanted to hear but that's exactly what he was doing saying things that you wanted to hear and not like actually he wasn't really invested in this and yeah you get over being ghosted in this type of way by realizing this is somebody that you'd rather have ghost you now than down the road and so he's probably just like keeping you in the rotation and having some small conversations with you just in case down the road that you actually do want to hook up and he'd probably hook up with you and then dump you after that yeah so don't don't allow yourself to be used unless you it's mutual using and also you said your last relationship was kind of toxic so i would

also do some like you know reflecting on that now and being like are you downplaying the it or are you like like yeah sit with that and i also think that like if you're using um tinder to kind of like get over a like a relationship i or even just like boost your confidence we all know here if you've been here for a while i'm all about that shit i love that shit but um i think the key component to using it to really boost your confidence um is is just swiping and going and all of that and I don't necessarily think that you should message people and if like they message you don't respond and just go through and swipe and see the people and like be like oh wow people are still interested in me but it's not I don't think you're ready for a relationship and also if you're

still like kind of feeling jaded or um hurt or like needing something like emotion like you're feeling like unfulfilled because of your last relationship then I think you're going to see that thing in all of these other people versus like oh what do i want when i'm ready for a relationship versus like i'm really going through it and like you don't need their words you just need their swipe rights you just need their like it's a match woohoo and then not follow through on that so that's what i would advise you to do is just not message people and whatever if anyone i mean i think leading someone on is like a fucking line when people when people say like women are leading guys on like it's it's literally just a line calling you a tease which is not

something that exists and it's like it's essentially it is just an excuse to be like you owe me sex like that's what you owe me excuse me and i think like in turn most of the time for like uh like hetero cis men who are like oh he led me on it's oh he made me believe he wanted a relationship but he just wanted sex and that's usually how the terms work so um but i think if you are not investing like the time in like messaging someone and talking to someone i don't i who the fuck cares like everyone's on dating apps to either boost their confidence and a huge amount of people are on dating apps to just like hook up so if you're just swiping and not messaging you're fucking fine like you're so so so so so fine but i think if you need that like conversation

and that validation like through talking to people i think that that's kind of a that's probably a sign that like you would i would say therapy over a like talking to a guy i think if that's that's the stuff that you're seeking and needing you don't put that don't give that much responsibility and that much like vulnerability to people that you don't know like you're essentially you're giving them like hey not that your self-worth is like rooted in what they think about you but if you get out of a bad relationship that does make you question your self-worth and then you go to other people for that you're essentially giving these strangers like permission to like hey i'm really vulnerable right now and like i need your like approval

and if i don't and like here permission to like completely shatter me which i've i mean i think we've all done that before but i don't think um or i know that that's not it's not it doesn't feel good right doesn't feel good oh best of luck let's add that to the list I've never met a girl like you before yeah that's our list on fuck boy things design hi Megan and Melissa I met my girlfriend a year ago and all this time until quarantine started I had a busy schedule with working and studying and playing soccer in my college so I only had weekends to hang out with her. So we would enjoy the time as much as we could. We would go out and drink or have friends over or just chill at home and we would drink because it was weekends and that was my only free

time. We also went on vacation for two weeks last December and it was a fun party place so we basically drink every single day and it was so much fun. But now when quarantine started she moved into my apartment. We are both working from home but I am also in school so I have online classes and homework to do and I also work out every day. So for the first time we are spending so much time together and just now I realized how much she drinks and smokes and I don't know if this is her way to deal with quarantine which I totally understand because this is a weird time for everyone or if this is something that will happen for the rest of our lives. All I know is that now she doesn't look motivated with her job and at night time she keeps saying that she's bored

even after I suggest things for us to do and she only gets happy when she makes herself a drink and gets a little high. I don't usually join her because I have work meetings in the mornings and lots of school homework to do and she knows that. Anyway I'm just worried and also frustrated every time I want to talk to her and she's grumpy or hangover and I just don't know if this is the real her that i am only seeing now that we are stuck at home together also megan i love your book thank you for writing that and recording because i got the audiobook because i'm from brazil and that was the fastest way to get the book okay thank you for listening guys love you bye oh my god i love beautiful accent too i love how she says your name yeah i mean that's how

the way it's spelled that's how it should be said because i don't have the one s but that's just because my mom missed not misspelled it but she thought that's how my grandmother's but great not grandmother great great grandmother spelled it and she did not i did not know that oh my god that's funny when did you find that out i found it out but i was at my grandmother's house and I found some paperwork and I was like her name is not spelled like this and this was just it was when I was like in college so well into adulthood that's so funny oh my god wow um god this is hard because I think that like I think that this could be her and I think that this could just be it could be her it could be a product of quarantine it could be like exacerbated by quarantine or also

she could be just a college student or she could be like depressed and i think that like the only all of those things are i think probably equally as plausible and i think the quarantine has like brought a lot out of everybody so like everyone and relationships yeah so i think if this is how she's always been i think it's gonna it's putting it's it's it's like an amplified version this is like like when you do molly people say it's like an it's like an extra version it's like the the most intense version of your personality this is like quarantine it's like this is the most concentrated but also you have all of these outside stressors and then also you all outside stressors on you too so even if you don't realize your fuse is going to be a little bit shorter

because like you're stressing all this other stuff's like you don't have like the bandwidth necessarily to like want to deal with her so like there's just tension everywhere but also she could be like depressed and like coping with uh like drinking and smoking because she is like depressed unhappy but also that she could always be like that or it could be the quarantine but I think the only thing that you um can do or I guess first evaluate how it makes you feel like and if this is her and how she's always been is that okay with you do you like that or do you not or if it's the court like figure out what you what you would have what you want instead like what you or what you're disappointed by and what you don't really like don't say that to her but like figure

it out in your head because then i think from there maybe you're just over the relationship and there's no reason why you even need to really like you guys I mean you guys are staying together but like maybe it's like breaking up versus like trying to like unpack all of this and like get back to a different place um but I think the only thing that you can do right now is like have a conversation with her and just ask her without being like accusatory and just being like hey uh the quarantine's put a lot of pressure on me I know and I know it's put a lot of pressure on you and it's put a lot of like pressure on like relationships like as a whole and I just have noticed that I you seem um you you you seem to be like not like how are you doing like are you

okay like how are you feeling about all of this stuff like and if she's like oh I'm fine like this is just like it's me then you're like okay but if she's saying like no I'm really having a tough time then I think you can say I I think like I've been able to sense that and I have also noticed that it seems to me that like when you're having a tough time like you do turn to like alcohol and like I think weed like weed a lot so I and then I would bring it up that way but I think like as opposed to going at it by um you've changed or any of like the the like the ideas of what you think it could be just ask her how she's doing and see if she wants to open that conversation because also maybe she doesn't like maybe she's like not doing so hot it doesn't really want to

talk about it and then from there you also have to prioritize your own mental health and like what you want out of the relationship but you have to like ask her if it's something that she is aware that she's doing to self-medicate and concerned about what's going on in the world then then you can talk about therapy and things like that um but either way it seems like she's abusing alcohol um yeah and so it is a conversation that i think that she needs to have with somebody um first recognizing if she has a problem and if she does then speaking to a professional about it because there's really nothing that you can it's except for like being there for her um there's really nothing else you can do for her yeah and it's taking a toll on

your relationship with her because like anytime you really try to have like a conversation or talk about something with her like she's either like hungover or like doesn't want to like engage and is like in a bad mood so uh yeah it is like affecting that and I think also there's like I think like you can like you can use like alcohol and drugs to cope without being like dependent on them but I also think that like the oh well I'm bored so I'm just gonna keep doing that it is it's like an it's a depressant it's like an addict it's like it's not as much as that a fun situation like I my mindset as someone who doesn't drink anymore my mindset is like if you're drinking drink in a situation or like where I would feel comfortable eventually like

drink in a situation where it's fun it's already fun and if you have like one social drink it might make it like a little more fun but like a situation that's like sucky or like friends that you don't like or anything that you're like oh let me drink to get through this kind of thing it's like well why are you here like how about instead of like drinking to get through it don't be in and don't don't don't be in those positions where you're doing stuff that you don't like or you don't want to do or that are so boring and terrible it's because yeah it's also addictive like if that's how the only the way that you go to for having like fun when you're bored it's it's not it's not sustainable and it's also just going to make you feel shittier because it's a depressant but

yeah this might just be who's like her personality and like you're just discovering it now but i always think if you want if your inkling is to like break up um and you don't like the person's personality they don't need to know that you can just break up like you don't have to like tell them like turns out i don't really like you like turns out like you kind of suck now that we spent more time together like i just don't really like you but so what excuse would you give though for the breakup um they've been dating for like a year right she said that they've been dating for like a while shit so it's a real breakup i can't ghost um i also they live in the same place so you can't just ghost she has to kick her out to be super if you want to be super upfront just be

like i've like really enjoyed the time that we spent together and i really like like you i just think that like this quarantine has brought out like put a lot of pressure on our relationship and i don't think we're as compatible as i thought we were before have a nice life goodbye that was very mature hey megan and melissa um i'm gonna get straight into it so my girlfriend wants to get a native american tattooed on her arm or like a native american warrior with a headdress on her arm and she's Vietnamese and I think it's wrong I think it's cultural appropriation and so do a lot of other people but she thinks that it's fine and she says that it's just art and that it's it's just art and she's appreciating it but I don't think so I think it's wrong and I

think it's cultural appropriation to get something like that on your body without being part of the culture or appreciating the culture um yeah and so we're currently in an argument about it because i said that i don't respect people who put symbols of other cultures on their body without either being part of that culture or being really fascinated and loving that culture and she said So what does that say about a relationship That you don't respect me Because I'm still getting the tattoo Am I being stupid

Like is this Sort of like not my body Doesn't matter Am I like being too harsh I'd love to hear your advice Give it to me straight I don't really care Yeah thanks

i i i mean a quick google search will tell you the answer to this and like i would print off anything i found and just post it up everywhere in the house and be like like it's not your culture you don't even understand the meaning of it you probably wouldn't even know what tribe of indigenous people it came from why it's there why people wear it it's not a pre it's cultural appropriation and you're not even appreciating the art because you don't understand what it even means so just because something looks pretty doesn't mean that you can put it on your body and also i think a big thing that people i think something that is in super important is like cultural appropriation in general awful

but then there are also when you are culturally appropriating something that you think looks cool that has symbolic or religious meaning and so it's not just like and i think like native american culture in general is like rooted in it's it's the states it's not something that like is oh this is like a style that this culture has and there's no mean not that they're like maybe they're sure there's meaning behind everything but it's more like oh our culture thinks this is pretty and that's why we like it because it's pretty not because of all of like the deep roots and history and all of that kind of stuff that's still cultural appropriation if you're like well I like the thing that they think is pretty that's like pretty in their culture but

like us as like white people or whatever like we've looked down upon that but now once I take that on it's cool and fun um but it's especially when it is something that is like that's it's it's history it has like significance it has like actual like real real real meaning it's like when similar to like when people would wear bindis and i also say this as someone who i did katak indian dance when i was a kid and i loved it and as i got older i was like wow it's hella fucked up that like a bunch of white kids did this traditional indian dance taught by a white teacher and we all wore like saris bindi we wore everything and never had a conversation about it never understood what we were singing or what we were saying or anything

like that and i look back on those like photos of me at like eight years old and i'm like it's fucking mortifying like who the fuck thought this was a good idea yeah but especially once i once i got older and i like was seeing these pictures and i was like oh my god that like a bit like the color of your bindi means something that like the placement the shape and all of that sort of stuff like that's so similar in this situation where it's like you don't even know there's so much nuance to like it's not like you're getting like uh a disney it's not like you're getting pocahontas where you're getting like the disney like waters down like that is problematic exactly like you're not even getting the appropriate like the like the the disney appropriated version of

Native American culture you're not even getting that you're getting like no no no I'm gonna do my own appropriation and like what like no like it's not it's not a thing and then I just think that like it. So I have a friend who her ex wanted to get their frat number tattooed on them and she and he showed her what he wanted it to look like. And she was like, I'm no, I'm going to level with you. That looks like that's that looks like you are being branded. And the style of that's done in is what a lot of holocaust victims have and he really didn't want to hear it and she uh pretty sure she like sent it to his like friend or his like other people in his life and was like no this isn't happening and he ended up like later never ended up getting it later on down the road was

like thank you like because that i was ignorant and i was really stupid and i would feel so fucking embarrassed if i had done that and i had like dug my heels in and did it and then looked back years later and saw oh wow that is offensive yeah that is incredibly incredibly offensive and I mean yeah I don't respect your girlfriend either and I think that's and what it says about your relationship is that she uh obviously doesn't have respect for other people's culture and if you and you see that and if she doesn't that means that you guys don't have the same values yeah and i think there's i was just going to say brooklyn beckham got this tattooed on him years ago um is he the headdress no he's like an adult now i just did a uh an audiobook

that i directed about david beckham's life okay um but he got this tattoo of with the uh a native American with a headdress on and got so much flack for it when he posted it online so maybe just go find that go find something about that and then share it with her yeah and ask her like hey if we went to Coachella would you wear a Native American headdress like would you like do you where do you where does she draw the line at cultural appropriation what does she think is cultural appropriation because i also think that like these kinds of moral issues i'm like oh so our relationship what this means for our relationship is that our relationship the respect you have for me is contingent on the fact that you don't have anything from my culture you want to appropriate

but if you did you would do it and like just because it doesn't directly affect you in this situation doesn't mean it means that you are an exception to her rule and like that's the thing that I'm like fuck no like fuck fuck fuck no and also she's dumb like she's dumb and stupid and when you're dumb and fucking stupid as someone who's like not that bright like I don't dig my heels in I don't know and if you're gonna fucking be like well no I'm gonna still fucking do it then it's like okay cool I have told you that you're stupid you had a chance to understand this and instead of understanding it and being like oh wow this girlfriend who I care about and I love and i respect her opinion instead of listening to her i'm gonna be like nah i'm still fucking

doing it then like okay then she doesn't think that highly of you either she thinks that she's smarter than you and she doesn't value your correct it's not even your opinion she doesn't value the fact that you are giving fucking facts yep and she's seeing it as your opinion what she is deeming less than hers okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break melissa's eating hard-boiled eggs she doesn't like them and she's eating them anyway and let's get into the rest of the calls hi megan um so i have been a long-term listener um and i know that you've had tons of people call in about their friends and saying like my friend is in this toxic relationship how do i help her

and you're like it's not their life you know you can't you can't make them learn lessons and i know this and i've been through this i'm 24 but um my friend is in a very toxic relationship and they've on again off again she's 22 he's fucking 32 with two children megan and guest um you know my question is like why can't he get women his own age it's definitely not because he's a piece of shit but like you know whatever anyway um it's like you know when some when your friend is when someone you love is in a toxic relationship it really is like watching them self-harm because you know what they're doing is bad for them and but you can't stop them it's like it's like an addiction you know it's like they're an alcoholic it's like you cannot stop an alcoholic can't get

better unless they want to you can buy all the rehab they want whatever but they can't get better unless they want to so my question is how do I be that supportive friend how do I not lecture and you know because you say like it's not your life whatever okay I get that but how how do I ensure that she feels supportive but I'm not going to be like oh my god you're an alcoholic yay I'm going to support you in like this drinking bin because I'm a supportive friend like that's not love like you know that's not love encouraging that behavior supporting that behavior so how do I equal parts love and support them when they're doing something toxic um and I'm not an I told you so person even though I'm always right um and I've been through this

with my best friend and she you know the lecturing didn't work surprise she had to learn the lesson on her own and so i i want to be the best friend i can to this person because now i'm presented with the situation again and i want to be a really really good friend i don't want to do what i did last time she knows how i feel she knows my points about the situation and i've said it civilly so now that she continues to date this person on again off again how do i be the best possible friend to her while also not condoning a toxic relationship um okay i think cut that out thank you so much um and i am looking forward to your lesson on how to be a supportive friend when their friend is in a toxic relationship bye i mean the kicker is you can't like that's you

you can't either you make your feelings known and then they stop coming to you and i think that's what happened with your your best friend and I've done that um or you remove yourself from the friendship in the situation because you can't condone it because you're right it is like if you're condoning uh and I would also I I I understand your comparison but I think we also need to like i think a comparison if she the talk we don't know what the level of like toxicness is if this is like a physical or emotionally abusive relationship but i don't then i think like that's something where you need to like put your foot down and like talk to like if she lives with them like talk to her family like that's like when it's like that's an intervention point um and then

but that she also doesn't they're on and off again so i don't think they live together but also if they're if it's a like a if it's a physically abusive relationship you just say toxic so i'm just gonna assume it's not abusive um you the thing is the only thing you can do is listen but if you listen and you bite your tongue and she already knows how you feel and you're not cutting her out of your life and you're not being like, oh, I can't watch this happen, then even if you like it or not, you are condoning it. Like you are. And it's not if you if you're going to support her, if you want to support her unconditionally and be supportive, you also have to then essentially be supportive as she's in this

relationship because this is a part of her right now and in order to support her you will have to support that relationship see i don't i don't think so but i think that but i just think it means in the sense that like not that you have to say like that's just you have to sit there and like essentially be like a silent bystander while this happens and wait for her to look on it again like wait for wait for her to figure it out on her own like i don't think that you can say everything you want to say and like all of that sort of shit and then not have that affect your friendship with her see i had a friend that was in like this severely toxic relationship that i did not agree with at all so when she would tell me things like i would be there for her to be

supportive because i didn't want her to be left because when you're left alone then all they know and all they can be around is the toxicness of that relationship because they have no one else so I would be there and support them by physically being there and then if they talk like told what was going on in the relationship I would give my opinions and then eventually it got to the point where she was able to see what was actually happening to her yeah no I think that's that what I've done I've done I've done the telling I've done the listening to a friend and like not saying anything but I think the thing that I if you clearly have not said something so polarizing where she's kicked you out of her life she's still been there and been around and if she

knows how you feel like we've said all the time you only have to say it once and then from there if I have made my feelings clear to you once and you have chosen to stay in the relationship then the next time that you talk to me about it I'm I'm just gonna listen and if then my friend is like well I really want your opinion my response has always been you know how I feel and I care about you and I don't know if what I'm gonna say right now you know what I'm going to say And if you want me to say it, I will. But I don't know if that's what you need or want right now. And I think that if you can do that, then that's that's like a great thing. But it's it can be hard because depending on how toxic the relationship is that she might only want yes people around like in the friendship might end on her terms. it might not be you big like if you don't pull away because it's hard for you to like witness and watch she might then be like well you're not giving me you're not being as supportive as I need

as I want you to be so therefore then I don't want to be friends with you and I think that you just kind of need to know that that might happen and that's okay but I think the only way that you can it just depends on what she she wants because that's it like you can support her as much as you want as a friend but if she as a friend will only like love language wise like she will only see support if you are supporting this toxic relationship then you can't be that friend for her because that's not what she's looking for so i think it really depends on that but i think the best thing that you can do is just listen and i mean nobody fucking forgets if you tell them that you hate their boyfriend or that you think they're toxic like she hasn't forgotten

that she knows that you don't need to remind her and sometimes it's just kind of like therapy like you need a wall to kind of not that you're a wall but like a soundboard to like bounce the stuff off of and the more that you talk about the more you come to your own realizations but um I think the more that you can just like your silence and listening that speaks for like how you feel about the situation but I would also be cautious and careful if they are on again off again to not like the second that they're off again to be like oh my god thank god like blah blah blah like you broke up like I'm so like and then you guys are both and she's like yeah yeah yeah and then they get back together because I've had that too where I've like stayed silent

I like said my piece really like once after a long period of time of being like this is what I've noticed and I'm like I think that that like worries me and like blah blah blah like very like soft then they broke up and then the person was like oh my god yeah fuck that dude all that shit like listen to all that stuff and it was like we were like yeah and then they got back together and i was like oh no fuck shit and that like and then that's when they're like that's when they usually tell you well he changed yeah and then they also tell their partner all of the stuff that you said and then you stop being friends which was what happened with me and so that's like i think that's the way the reason why I'm saying that like I think you can't be you can't be a supportive

friend without supporting her relationship if she needs you to support her relationship to be a friend so as you can do everything that you can but it's ultimately up to her and what she wants and what she needs from a friendship so I don't spread yourself so thin don't compromise like your own feelings and your own like sanity and mental health and all of that sort of stuff to be there for her in a way that feels not authentic to you and maybe feels detrimental to you by supporting. Moral of the story, if she knows that you already don't like him, you don't have to say it again. Just listen. Just listen when she says that. And most of the time, unless she asks you explicitly for your opinion or your thoughts or your feelings on it, don't give it away immediately.

ask her if she really wants it and kind of give that subtle hint of and I always say like what kind of Megan do you want like do you want me to be honest and do you want my feelings or do you want me to say do you want me to just to be do you want me to say what like what do you want me to hear like what do you want to hear from me like do you want me to say what's going to make you happy or do you want me to say like what I think and what I feel and I think that like that can sound like a scary thing to say but like Sydney and I say that to each other like all the fucking time and there are so many times she's like no I just like need you to be my hype man and I'm like yeah go for it dude like love it and like it's not like there's no animosity on my side

at all because like my goal as a friend is to be the best possible friend for for you and like if that's what you need from me I'm not salty about it I'm not bitter about it because like well I don't want to say something that's going to hurt you that's like not going to benefit you and that is like not going to help you in this current situation like I'm going to say whatever is going to help you and like down the road eventually like you're going to want the honesty and you're going to be ready for that but I'm not going to give that to you if like that's not where you're at mentally and not something that like you can handle or something that you can process and deal with at the time so yeah I would also last thing I'd say on this I would also uh try your best not

to think of this as like your redo for the thing that you did with your best friend because this is also her life like this is this girl's relationship in this girl's life and it's it's not about you and it's not about like you proving this to her or like doing it better or anything like that like it's a totally unique and different situation and there's nothing to prove like you you just got to care about her and her feelings and her feelings day-to-day in the moment and not big picture because it's easier to see when you're not in it okay so um I'm in this like really weird situation with my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend because they so my boyfriend works for his ex his ex-girlfriend's grandpa and like they met

through him working there so it's not like they like were dating and that's like how he got the job or anything like that and um they broke up like three years ago and me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now and so like a couple months ago her so the girl I'm talking about right now his ex and this other girl who's another ex of my boyfriend started like calling me and my best friends and like telling us that like they were going to shoot us and like that they had a scope to our head and that they were following us that we better not like go to sleep because we might never wake up and all this stuff and so we got a restraining order against them because we got all we recorded all the phone calls so we got a restraining order and so um and so since

and I still have been going out to my boyfriend's work because he got a DUI so he can't drive and it's like a lot of times he needs a ride to work or he's either gonna have to drive himself and if he gets caught driving he's gonna go to jail and or I'm gonna have to give him a ride or he just like won't be able to go to work so earlier I went out to his job to go get him and his ex was there and his ex's mom started like freaking out and she was like yelling at my boyfriend all this stuff she was like oh like your girlfriend like your little hoe girlfriend shouldn't be here like it's all her fault that my daughter has like is on probation and like all this stuff which like isn't true obviously I wasn't the one calling us threatening to kill me and my friend

and so anyways so they're gonna call the cops on us and on me not my friend because she wasn't there but they're gonna call the cops on me and say that I'm like violating the restraining order and all this stuff and it's just like I don't know what to do because it's just such a crazy situation and I would like to stop coming out there for my boyfriend but I also really I don't want him to go to jail and there's nobody else who's has like the free time at the right time to come and get him so i just i want your advice um thank you bye wait when you have a dui you can drive to and from work maybe it depends on what state you're in yeah or like i guess but like i don't know yeah usually with that like you're i mean maybe you get the breathalyzer in your car

well yeah as i'm saying also maybe if it's like a multiple if you had like multiple offenses and like he his license is suspended but like i'm pretty sure like a suspended license like for a dui you can only like drive to like aa meetings court dates and to and from work like that because that seems like i i mean like my first thing there would be like he should like uber or like lyft and like or is there no co-worker like that can like take him also i don't can you just say this is a lot of legal stuff that i don't understand or know about but like how is it if you're driving to drop him off and she just happens to be there and she like how is that violating the restraining order that she can call it on that the ex can call it on the caller

yeah it doesn't make sense to me because unless she has like a count it was like a countersuit sort of thing and she also got a restraining order against you but i mean i think like practically if just if you're gonna drop him off and pick him up stay in the car yeah or drop him off like a block away and yeah walk the rest of the way also he should find a new job yeah like you really should find a new job because everyone there is toxic like why would you want to work with somebody whose mom and daughter aka your ex i mean his ex and his ex's mom that they they're threatening your life like why would he want to stay at that job it makes maybe they're in a small town and there's not a lot of jobs available it's construction in

my mind is it construction in your mind it was it's something i saw like a feed store a feet store feed oh yes yes yes yes okay i don't know why that's what i pictured in my head i don't know why i pictured a construction site that's what i think i mean i'm thinking of something that's like an essential business that's a family business that it's just okay for all these people that are in the same family to be there at any given time i don't know yeah i mean i i yeah i think my practical advice is call whoever uh you like whoever your i don't know your contact i don't have a restraining order against anybody but like whoever it is i mean not without trying um but uh if you whoever your contact is or like who i like the judge or like

if you had like a lawyer or anything like that or like the state or the whoever that you had were in contact with for that um i would contact them and immediately just like tell them like this is this is what's going on this is what like happened blah blah blah um and i would then also do some more maybe you just didn't explain like maybe you know it and you just didn't explain it because you didn't think you needed to which you didn't but like of like your boyfriend's like why can't he like uber why can't he like lift or something like that why can't he carpool with like someone else who like works there or also are you sure that he can't drive to and from work like or did he like total his car like what like something like that he should find a new job

but then but the in the interim if you're driving him and picking him up then don't get out of the car like you said do like a couple blocks away yeah and stay in the car because that's your property their property oh yeah her car is her property yeah but if they're if she's driving onto their property then that's different so that's insane crazy dude the mom like is how good is his dick that's what i'm like why are you with him still like i would be like this is a lot goodbye it's like so much like the ex is like threatening your life like he meant that much to her like take him yeah like there I just it's so odd like it's so so so odd and also like I want to know was this

did he date anyone in between because like you guys have been he dated her three years ago you guys been dating for a year so has this been happening since you started dating him and like did this happen to other girls that he dated and also if she's on probation that's it's not our first offense no so maybe she's done this to the other girlfriends did you know her before and then she's mad oh my god and also where do they work oi oi oi um we need a follow-up with this one please please definitely and if there's like legal stuff that we won't share it on the podcast but like we just we want to know so you can slide into our dms we're giving you permission the lawyers and law school people will be commenting

on this yes please do well it's time for don't blame them okay this is uh where you guys call with your own advice from previous episodes so what is this is from season six episode one where the gal she was in college she's a freshman her supposed boyfriend's a senior and he did not want people to know that they were together and here's somebody calling with their own advice hi Megan and Melissa I'm calling to kind of add on to the situation where a girl called in and she talked about dating a guy in college and he's much older than her and how he is keeping her and the relationship secret and kind of saying that I won't introduce you to the family or friends and I just wanted to say that in high school I went through the same thing so it

definitely is a very immature high school thing or maybe just like frat boy type of guy but basically in high school I gave my boyfriend at the time an ultimatum and I told him that if he doesn't like put his foot forward in this relationship and introduce me to the family and his friends that I would just not be in a relationship anymore and I would break up with him because ultimately it's not worth it to get your hurt get your feelings hurt and keep everything secretive which is also really heartbreaking as well

especially if you love him you really want to make sure that he loves him the way that you love him or the way that you he loves you the way that you love him and ultimately he showed up my boyfriend at the time

he did this for me and we stayed dating but if he does you know say like no I can't do that for you then definitely dump his ass like and don't ghost him because you want to be the bigger person like I know you can be the bigger person and um try not to take anything he says after you dump him too personally because I know you deserve way better anyways I hope this helps and um yeah thanks bye well you're the exception to the role yeah um yeah i mean i i'm gonna love with you i don't i don't have high hopes or

good faith in that girl's the call the original caller's situation i don't think they're together anymore anyway because we're like quarantined they're not even all at school anymore like yeah together also it's i would say it is a high school situation but it's very different in high school because you live with your parents you see some the person at school every day like people know like high school people know like friends if it's like oh i'm not meeting your friends from other schools but like everybody at our school knows that not necessarily if she was a freshman and he was a senior and they No, no, I mean this, the girl who's calling

back, the girl who's, the don't blame them advice girl. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She was in high school when it happened. So if she was a freshman and the guy was a senior and then they were never like in the same hallways together, then people might not know at school. They could have been like neighbors

sneaking around. And then at school he was like, nah. But then she said, no, no, no. Yeah. I mean, i yeah i think that that's the exception to the rule yeah i think this other guy is like he's not gonna come around we had other calls that were very hot coming in very hot but it was like more of our opinion so i just wanted to give a different no because i i think and i think

that's the thing that like when you're in a situation you can we always want to like we always want to see and hear what we want to hear and like we want it to be the way that like it is and maybe hearing this kind of stuff you know if you ask the guy that you were dating to do this that he wouldn't do that and it's like oh okay so like there's an exception to the rule in my mind in my mind I can paint myself as the exception to the rule and then I hear the exception to the rule and it's like oh no that's not I don't think that's gonna work so yeah I mean it's we've all but i think we'll all we're all gonna be the exception to the rule at one point in our lives and then that gives us this like this hope that like moving forward we will continue to be i had

that i was the exception to the rule in high school but i also didn't really like care that much but then as i like went on i was like oh yeah like i'm immune to this stuff and then i was like oh no that was like a one-time thing okay for sure so but guys please let us know what you and your fuckboys or like what your what your college fuckboys let us know in the comments yeah or if you're in our facebook group um let's start maybe i'll start a thread on our facebook group to be like let us know your college fuckboy where where do you guys stand now and what happened not the new one and if you're a fuck girl how are you surviving this time and what are you doing with your bench yeah like if you

if you if you actively have a bench or you had a bench what's happened have you made a new bench like have you I would think you I would think that this would be the prime time for a fuck girl to survive like

where she doesn't have to she can put in minimum effort yeah because the dudes are already so thirsty so like just her being on tinder and just fucking with dudes like get it bitch yeah fucking get it wow fuck boys have to work a little harder well that's the thing that i'm like and also fuck boys like i just don't foresee a fuck boy like continuing

on with the girl that he was like stringing along in college like i see him then texting the girl like his hometown girlfriend who's also now home or going on tinder and finding new girls and then doing the thing that this guy the guy one of the first calls is doing being like sucks that we can't go on a date because of quarantine yeah question mark can we and so that's what i like i wonder that i think the fuck boys are i think that's like a whole different world for them yeah wow wow wow wow um that's it for our episode guys um if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com um our facebook group is currently closed you can't

even find it now i made it so you can't even find it god that's why we haven't got any new requests in a day or two yes fantastic um it will open up again but we are just closing it we have a lot of members right now and with the current times we're i mean we haven't gone a week without having to kick someone out and block them so so we're making sure that for all of you who are wanting to join forward that we're we're getting rid of we're we're we're cleaning house so it's gonna be a better place once you guys are mentally in it um if you want to follow and instagram we hit 10k we hit 10.2 oh i don't want to jinx it but it's gonna keep going up uh don't blah meme pod check us out and our socials are down below my book is out you're not special

and um we'll have resource links in the description also anything else oh you've come on you got yours your other podcasts oh yeah i mean i've got so many though but your newest your new my newest newest on your bench well that would be jocelyn lily though okay the second newest on your bench the second newest is never sleep alone podcast um and it is just like very sexy and saucy and we're going like if you guys like the sex questions we do here this is the next level like things that megan and i don't have experience with that we can't even touch this is this is the next level of that and i think you guys would enjoy it because it's more like a roundtable discussion and we've got an expert that's there at least one expert and then

other people and it's fun it's hosted by dr alex schiller who is a genius and also not a real doctor so it's just a great time and you'll have the phone number listed yeah down below down below you can also follow me on the gram to see my posts about it and my stories it's good it's I loved your story the other day about, like, I'd let you examine my body. That's the proctologist that we're at. I know. I was like, nice, bitch. Love it.

It's a four-word story. Yes. Cool. So that's it, guys. And we'll see you next time. Goodbye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Thank you.