Don't Blame Me! - S6E8: My Stepbrother Stole My Panties w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Being asked to be a bridesmaid when you don't want to Saying no Partner identifying as gender-fluid Boyfriend not initiating activities Don't Blame Them: supporting friends in a toxic relationship   Subscribe to the new Don't Blame Me YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9SMwL3ZgCUsD-yIDU_Zsqg/   Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  @dontblamemepod  https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out the YouTube channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9SMwL3ZgCUsD-yIDU_Zsqg/ Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me we're in a weird mood today we are it's gonna get weird but i do like that we both are in weird moods we're rarely not sank i know it's so weird it's i i love it though because like i can't deal i'm not good with friends where we're like on different pages like i need to be on the same page and i don't even want to talk about being on the same page but we're just there yeah and we're just like are you bleeding as well a little bit still okay are you done no i started like two days ago that's a little bit late today's my like like i like you know i'm wearing white so i did like a tampon for safety but like i free balled it last night and i was fine i think but i was

wearing dark sweatpants also like night time's different too yeah something about gravity something about night time and showers i'm like i don't understand the science yeah if there is any but like it's different um if you guys are new here this is advice podcast if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com should we get into the episode let's do it hi megan and melissa i am 23 and i just started my current job in october i was the youngest one in the office besides one other girl who is my age and one day i was working with her one-on-one and we started chatting about our lives and just getting to

know each other um and she asked me her my opinion on her relationship um she was married and got divorced um and she's now dating her ex's best friend um and I told her like I don't know if this would align with normal girl code whatever but like honestly who cares as long as you and your boyfriend like aren't best friends with your ex anymore like who cares um so flash forward to a few months ago they actually got engaged um which was like good for them I'm happy if they're happy um but she texted me saying you might have to be my bridesmaid and it kind of like made me feel weird because like first of all she said you might have to be like what do you mean I might have to that was like kind of weird um so I kind of just responded like OMG crazy I'm so happy for

you um because like we just met a couple months ago and we aren't even that close of friends like we only see each other at work and like don't really talk about things outside of work very much um so I kind of just brushed it off and didn't bring it up again but then a few weeks later she snaps me directly and says um will you be my bridesmaid and I'm like I don't know what to say because it's on snapchat so there's like red receipts and I'm like girl I barely know you I was so flustered so um I just responded and I said omg I'm so honored because I didn't know if I wanted to say yes but I didn't want to say no because I didn't want to be mean um and basically I just feel like I have to text her and say something about not wanting to be in

her wedding but I don't know how to break it to her softly and I don't really have a good excuse because the wedding is in September 21 September of 2021 and I don't know if like money would be a good excuse because it's so far away anyways I don't know what to say and I need your help Please, I'm a cancer, so I feel awful about the whole situation. I really hope I can hear your advice, and I love the podcast. Thanks for creating it. Bye. This is my worst nightmare.

I mean, yes. I know. You know. I know. You know this is my worst fucking nightmare. I mean, like... I couldn't, I'm, I'm so stubborn. Like I'm not a people, like I'm like to a fault.

Like I'm not a people pleaser. I'm like, I'm a Megan pleaser. Like I'm not going to fucking do something I don't want to do. Like I'm so stubborn, but this, like if I was in this, like I would be like, fuck dude, you're right. Like, like September, 2021, like what the fuck is the excuse? I mean, by that time they may be best friends, but I'm thinking that.

Because this girl is dating her ex's, her ex-husband's best friend is engaged to him. She has no female friends. She has no female friends. And probably, if she did, they probably, like, don't want to be part of her messy life now. Mm-hmm. And so, you're all that she's got because you encouraged the relationship. So, she's like, this is my champion. Wait, can we also talk about, oh, my God, that's crazy.

I know, that would have been something I would have said, too. I'm like, that's literally, like, my go-to. I'm just like, wow, that's crazy. Oh, my God. Oh, I feel so fucking bad for you. I mean, I think, like, it just, there's no way to get out of, like, at this point, because it is so far ahead, there's no way to get out of it without hurting her feelings and, like, looking bad. and like most likely ruining like the work friendship that you have but if you're okay with that then just say no and there you go but like that is like there's going to be repercussions

of saying no and like you are going to kind of look like an asshole but are you okay looking like an asshole like they're I'm fine looking like an asshole sometimes like but I understand of like you just have to weigh the pros and cons like is it worth it to go or also do you think they're actually gonna get married like do you think it's gonna happen they planned it so far in advance who knows but also like imagine being asked to be a bridesmaid in a snapchat I can't like I actually fucking can't like that's so weird oh maybe you just say you thought she was kidding yeah because it was snapchat but then you still have to yeah but then you go because because then the issue the issue right now is like how do you say no to something that's a year

like that is like in 2021 like how do you have an excuse then but if you play it off like you thought it would this could also really blow up in your fucking face if you play it off like you thought it was a joke and then until she brings it up later and like you can be like oh i didn't i didn't realize you were serious like i thought that was just like a thing on snapchat like i'm actually busy or like i actually like finances i'm not going to be able to blah blah blah because the other issue is too you could say that like i mean my go-to excuse for stuff that is like I really don't want to do um and like is I will literally go somewhere else like I will like get on a plane and be like oh I'm so sorry I'm gonna be out of town and then I will actually

go out of town to be like no I can't get in it's still so far in advance but that's what I mean if she can if you can buy some fucking time but the issue is is like we don't know what's gonna happen September 2021 like what if you're like oh it turns out like I'm actually gonna be out of town that week like that's so sucky and then it's like hey the wedding got pushed back come on yeah and also she would have to take off work if she's gonna be out of town because they work together you just have to be truthful that's the thing yeah because there's no what do you say you just say hi i don't want to be your bridesmaid hey i don't feel comfortable being your bridesmaid because i don't know you that well or your fiance because essentially as a bridesmaid you're

standing up for somebody's relationship and if you don't know them you can't truthfully stand there and truthfully be happy for them yeah and you're spending money right a lot of money yeah dresses shoes and like planning

shit for her as the bride and you're like I don't really fucking know you that's also just so I like I also feel like you might be her only bridesmaid unless she has like a cousin or a sister yeah because like she didn't do one of those like you know those like i i got a box with like a candle and a mug

that says like be my bridesmaid and like that whole thing and like it's not like you're on a group chat suddenly with like all the other bridesmaids like it's just you it's just you you're the maid of honor they were the ones that were in her first wedding were like nope i don't want to be oh my god yeah i forgot that that was he was probably the best man at her first wedding oh my god i didn't even think of like the other wedding yeah they were they were married they were married and this was her husband's best friend so he was definitely in the first wedding messy and maybe maybe no but you're a cancer you and you seem like a really nice person so i don't think you'd go just to like watch the shit like

if it like if it is like a messy wedding and they're a lot but she could that could be the thing though she could be like I would be happy to come to your wedding but I don't want to but I don't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid maybe that's what she says yeah I wish it was more normal just to like say no to being a bride because like there's no but again I'm trying to put myself in her shoes yeah I would I mean I would come up with an excuse but I just like hate the idea like that it's if someone asks you you have to kind of say yes like that

there is that like pressure and it's like oh and then I'm gonna have to do that for you in my wedding but like I don't even want to be in fucking yours and now you're gonna be upset that you're not in mine well best of luck really fucking don't envy you don't either oh I'm sorry this

is just like I can tell the pit you know like where you're just like what do I do well let us know what you end up doing and if she has any other bridesmaids hi megan and melissa um i just called but i feel like it was all scattered everywhere um so i'm so sorry melissa please don't yell at me i'm sensitive i'm a pisces um but anyways um i'm 23 and i have my boyfriend who i've been dating for like two years going on to three and I met his family once um and it was this year before like this

whole pandemic went down um and you know we bonded it was great awesome um and I you know I fit right in but thing is that today they've asked me for like this huge favor um basically it would be me helping them get a family member tested for COVID. And I said no. But the thing is that, like, I didn't feel comfortable saying no. I felt – I didn't feel comfortable them asking me the favor, but I felt like I couldn't say no. And whenever I told them, like, you know what, I can't do it.

I'm already doing things for my mom right now, like getting groceries, um and my dad is immune compromised like I really shouldn't be risking myself like this I felt very guilty um but this is an issue that I have constantly like I always feel bad whenever my boyfriend's mom asks me to do favors um and I can't do it like I will go out of my way to help her always and I feel like you know sometimes you know I can I can do it and I'm able to and I want to so I do but there's some times where like I literally can't but I feel bad somehow to do it because I just I just can't say no and whenever I do say no I feel like a total bitch for not helping them so my question is how do I get over this guilt of saying no

and how do I say no because I am a a people feeder I guess especially when it comes to my boyfriend's family because I feel the need to have them like me and I feel like if I say no they're not not like me but um yeah um if you any advice would be great um thank you so much guys i love the podcast um big fan um and again please be nice because i am a feisties and i am very sensitive thank you see as long as you guys give us this disclaimer right we will be nice um it's so funny that literally in the last call i said i'm not a people pleaser like i am a megan pleaser i used to be a people pleaser very much so i 100 used to be a people pleaser and then i like you know became like uh an adult like not an adult i was gonna make a joke that was not that

was dark but then like i like had like i don't know like read my book like not you you've listened to it but for other people like i very much then became like a solo act and i was like oh nobody's looking out for me so i have to look out for me because like i don't have anyone who is um and then that's how it became like the opposite of a people pleaser but it took a long time and like you know trauma so it's not necessarily a good thing but i mean it's hard i mean first of all i think it's a little weird that you've only met them once but they like ask you for favors all the time yeah it is i can i think i'm just a little confused about like this maybe the whole family she's met once but the mom she's met a few times yeah and that maybe she lives like closer by

and like her boyfriend her her son her boyfriend is like he like she works from home and maybe he's like an essential worker or something else like that that it kind of gets defaulted on to you um i mean i do kind of wish i knew if this was uh like specifically in this situation like if she ask your boyfriend to or if she does ask you because like there is I personally have issue with uh like you know oh this is also mommy issues but like older women like telling me like oh take care of this take care of this take care of this and not asking like men that I have a like I have a big issue with because it does feel like the burdens on me and you're looking down on me as a woman and like a head of household like matriarch sort of thing and then if I'm not

living up to that i am therefore a disappointment because i'm not living up to your expectations of what you're doing of what a woman should be quote unquote those old-fashioned thoughts about taking care of the household and like keeping everything under control and like all of that sort of stuff so i don't know if that's that kind of situation um because that can definitely fucking like get to your like that that's a fucks me up and like you feel guilty because it also puts into question like you're worth and value because someone else is making that a woman's worth and value and then if you're not living up to it and you're like fucking shit like am i not like what the fuck is up with this but i think in general it's if you're if they're not gonna like you and anyone

anyone in regardless if someone's going to like you or they're not going to like you you saying no if they if their positive uh thoughts of you and impression of you is contingent on you saying yes to favors they don't actually like you like they're just they they want you to be what they want for you they want you to be like an agreeable they want you to be handy they want you to be like have access to you and do all of this sort of stuff and if you don't fit that mold then they're not going to like you but then if they like that mold of you it's not you and like you have to like continue upkeep and hold that versus people who like ask for a genuine favor or something like that and you say no because you can't and it's not like you say no to everything but you say

no because you actually can't that's it's not going to affect their perception of you but that's kind of a thing that's that's already you can't control it like they've already made up their mind but the issue is your actual feelings about it but how did you get over being a people pleaser So I, this, it got out of hand when I was in college where I was just being stretched so thin that I like couldn't say no to anything. And then that was like my first bout of like depression. And so that's the first time I actually went to therapy. And we talked about how like I can't fully please anyone if I'm not pleasing myself. and so um I had to be selfish basically I needed to put myself first and be selfish and um

there was no way out of that depression if I was going to constantly be taking care of other people and not myself and so I got out of it by I just started saying no to people and it like and it was like left and right like i i was in i was the president of this organization and i just like couldn't do it anymore and i was just like i i need to step back and and even though like this was something that was highly regarded and like i went to the the um the um what's it called when it's not not like a teacher that's over it but the sponsor for the the um club that I was in and I told them and they um agreed with me and so I took a step back like I still go to meetings and things but I just wouldn't preside over the meetings and everybody was understandable and I

remember the last day um before I graduated and I got up and I told everybody my story and everybody was like crying and so like everybody was being supportive so if you're just truthful to people and just say like i i cannot do this like this i just say no and if if they ask for a reason then give it to them and if they don't then just leave it at that and then you just have to move on from it and you can't feel guilty because if you can't do it that's not on that's not on you it's not on them it's just like it's it's just something like you can't be full if you're giving from a empty tank yeah so and putting that putting your self-worth which is i'm so familiar but putting your self-worth in the hands of other people it's it's so hard like if that's the thing

that like that's how you feel i don't know like when you feel good about yourself is when other people are happy with you you can't control that and so putting your self-worth in the hands of other people they're always going to be reckless with it and they're never going to because nobody's nobody thinks of that nobody's thinking that like my impression of her is either going to make or break her like people don't think like that and if you can try and think like that too of like when people say no to you you don't get upset like you you don't like think less of them and it's trying to regard and that's like a thing that I practice like all the time and just normal stuff where it's like especially like anxiety or like like self-consciousness or like anything I think

about I'm like well I've never thought this about anybody else so why am I thinking that other people are thinking about me or I've never noticed this about somebody else so why am I thinking that that's like the first thing that people notice about me or like the first like the biggest impression of me or all of that sort of stuff but like you said like it's a it's a muscle so saying no it's just you have to practice and the more you say no the easier it is and people will be more understanding than not like you said that like other people understand because it's so it's such a fucking common thing like it's so so so common but until you are pleasing yourself and happy with yourself there's no amount of people pleasing you can do to then

be again pleased with yourself and it's it's it's like a definitely a process but I think that the more you start to say no the easier it will get I used to have a very hard time saying no and now I'm a very easy time I need to I need to say yes more yeah I it's like I have to think about myself and if I like I said before like if you you can't take care of yourself if you're taking care of everybody else and you can't be the people that are most important for you to take care of are your parents right now you and your parents and so you can't give to them to the other side i'm guessing they think of you as family but you even though you barely know them but you can't help them if you're not helping the people that are close to you and they shouldn't

expect that no they shouldn't well best of luck I'm excited for you to say no more me too all those like inspirational quotes are like say yes more I remember my new year's resolution a couple years ago was to say no more and then like at the end of like maybe it was like two years later I was like okay I like really ran with no I need to like get back to like I'll throw in some maybes some yeses again that was like uh Shonda Rhimes book is called year of yes because she would always say no to everything and then for a year she said yes to everything and like a whole bunch of doors open but then she was like at the end of the book she's like i say as i went back to saying no to a lot of stuff but i just say yes to a few more things i yeah that's the that's the

mindset we should all have yeah because saying yes to too much it's too much too much hi i've in a long-term relationship where my partner, who is born male, is now identifying as gender fluid. Previously, it was a cross-dressing situation where I just kind of put it out of my mind. He just wanted to look pretty, like whatever. We dated for a year and a half and I got engaged. And after he proposed, he started to discover himself more and therefore changing from cross-dressing to gender fluid. While I'm a cis straight female and the gender fluid that you had somewhat made me uncomfortable but i really want to be accepting uh it's just been very hard i've been talking to a therapist and he has been too i've been keeping this to

myself for the most part and i think it's just been hard because i've always seen myself dating a straight male and now this is not the case uh we are planning to get married but i want to be full-on accepting and be proud of both sides of them as male and female but i just haven't gotten there yet any advice on how to handle this maybe some research i need to know about or maybe how to embrace more of the lgbtq community more and thank you i'm sure it's a very hard like like you said like you don't she doesn't really want to talk to him him to talk to sorry talk to them about it because it's it doesn't sound like for you It sounds like you are just trying to gather your, I don't know, like just, just go through this, but knowing that you're going through this by proxy of like someone else who is then going through it on their own.

and I mean I think the best thing is just to talk to your partner and ask them and say I'd love to have an open conversation with you about this when when and if you are comfortable yeah and I love you and all of that and I think that I would also like it sounds dumb but like i don't have any specific book recommendations but i would read a ton of books and like i know there's lots of uh youtube channels i'm trying to remember what their name is and um i also think that there's probably a community of other people that are in your shoes as well that can probably help you with this i would think yeah and like a support group there's a youtube couple that i don't fully i need to i'll figure it out and then we'll have it listed in um the show notes

if i can remember their name but i think that i think that taking it upon yourself to like educate yourself more on the mindset and the process of going through all of this and going through like a your gender identity and all of that i would also say i don't did she say how old she was um no she didn't because i would also say i think that the idea of like what you picture your future when you say you pictured your future with like a cisgendered male i think that there are if you can look at that like we picture our life in a lot of ways that when we grow up we kind of realize that a they fit into like society standards of like what is normal and it's what is represented like so so so so so heavily and i think that if you can then look at other parts

of your life where you expected one thing and then you're like oh that's not what i wanted or like not what i grew up and was into or not i didn't like that if you can kind of recognize that that's a shift that happens in every facet of your life like if it's whether you thought that this was going to be your career or you really thought you were going to go to college here or you thought that you were going to like have this this this and this and like what you really wanted and a lot of the time what we grow up wanting is what we grow up seeing and we grow up seeing that that that like kodak cookie cutter idea of what a family is which is like incredibly heteronormative and we have disney princesses and we have all of that and so it can be i don't want to say it's

like you're it can be something that you are conditioned just based on what you've seen and i think if you can go out of your way to watch more like movies and read more books with the representation of lots of different people on the gender fluidity scale and like queer people and everything like that i think i would i would assume that that might feel a little bit it might feel like a little bit more like oh wow i was really i had this idea of what i wanted because that's the only thing that i saw and i didn't and this this is different to me and this is something that i don't know a ton about and knowledge is power and the more that you can like learn and read and understand it without putting it on them yeah and i think from there like

gender is a construct like it is like it's it's it is so it's just yeah it's again it's it's a fucking construct like people who like go around and like talk about like isn't it so weird that like time is a thing and i'm like isn't it so weird that gender isn't like that it's so weird that there's like colors assigned like each one and like things that you like and all of that sort of stuff and i think a lot of people now are seeing uh we're growing up and we're seeing representation uh also because of social media that we're just seeing more people with different like lifestyles and different like who they are shown everywhere that we're seeing all of this sort of stuff but all that matters is your feelings for your partner

and how much you love them and that's and that's it and that's what i think you need to focus on is educating yourself and equipping yourself with like the materials and the knowledge to to yeah to feel comfortable i think about what i saw for my life when i was like younger and like how I pictured all of this how I pictured my life and it's completely different like it's so different and I think that gender is something when you from your call haven't said that you've ever struggled with your own gender identity it can feel something that is like so incredibly foreign that you can't relate to but I think you can relate to growing up and being different than you thought you would be it's so it's like so so so so so so normal but when it's not something

that you've personally been through it is it's just about educating yourself so you can then just know how other people have experienced this and what goes into it because you haven't experienced it firsthand but I think therapy is great I think that's fantastic I would also like if you guys are if you really like your therapist I think that's awesome but if there I know a lot of people in the queer community specifically i mean people in underrepresented communities or marginalized communities in general tend to benefit from a therapist who is specialized in that and focuses that on talks and that because there could also be you know transphobic therapists and like racist therapists which is the fucking like exact opposite like what you want from

therapy so if your therapist doesn't specialize in like gender and all of that i think that it would hopefully like really benefit you guys from being with a therapist that is familiar with this journey as opposed to you guys and your partner having to explain it because i think that puts a lot of pressure on them yeah and also going to couples therapy could help as well because you guys are going to individual therapy oh oh i thought you were going to go to couples therapy go to couples therapy go to a go to a therapist and counselor who specializes and works specifically in like the in the gender fluid queer community and i think that will yeah i think that will help you you understand and also yeah it's a safe space for for both

you to be able to talk and discuss your feelings because both your feelings are valid um and this is this is hard like on on both sides it's hard um and so and i and also if you're if you guys set a date for the wedding maybe put it off into you guys like don't focus on getting married but focus on understanding each other's side in this and then once everything's straightened out then focus on the wedding because i can put a lot of extra pressure on you that you don't need right now and I think you just need to reiterate to your partner that like I love you endlessly and this is not me like questioning our relationship it's me needing to equip myself with the knowledge to be the best partner to you in this now like to the this identity that you have this is who

this is I need to I need to learn and understand so I can advocate for you and so I can be super supportive of you and so i'm not ever accidentally hurting you or or saying anything that is harmful or perpetuating any of these ideas and in order to be the best life partner for you i need us i need to be equipped with the knowledge of how i can do that because like you never want to like accidentally say or do anything that's yeah like harmful or hurtful and it can be hard especially like in those conversations you don't want to push it with your partner and i think with a therapist that they feel comfortable with too you guys could have some really great constructive conversations in a safe place but yeah but best of luck congratulations on being engaged

yeah and um happy for your partner for living living their truth living their best life yeah yeah okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be back right after hi megan and melissa um so i'd like to get some advice about feeling restless in a relationship um so this is kind of going to be all over the place this It's the first time I'm talking about it, but here we go. So I'm 24, and I'm a Pisces Aries Cusp, and I've been with my boyfriend, who's 27, in the Scorpio for almost three years now. We're both halfway through graduate school, and like a lot of people, both of our school

slash jobs have been remote for the past few months and will be for the foreseeable future. When we first moved here for school, I was having a lot of mental health issues. He was feeling severely depressed and struggling to make friends and go out and have fun. But he, on the other hand, was thriving and making tons of friends and just living a fast life. Fast forward to now, most of his friends have left the city. Everything is remote. And as an extrovert, he's really struggling with the whole quarantine slash social distancing thing. um not to mention he's received a lot of bad news from his family about like their health issues

and just issues etc on top of all the recent protests and triggering media content all this has really been laying on his psyche and to cope with this he's just been staying inside most of the time working and playing video games and whenever we see each other he just wants to make dinner watch movies and have sex not that there's anything wrong with this but um on my end I have just been mentally thriving this year, aside from everything that's happening in the world. And I'm personally an introvert, and I always have enjoyed working from home anyways. So the quarantine, social distancing thing hasn't really affected me much. In fact, it's improved my mental health even more.

So our state is still pretty much locked down. But I'm always trying to get creative and think of new, fun things that we can do to switch things up, like going for a bike ride or hiking or kayaking, going for a drive to sightsee from the car. But when I bring up the idea, he says, well, think about it. And then we almost never end up doing anything new. So whenever we do something, I feel like I'm forcing him. So I understand he's going through a lot. But honestly, in the years we've been together, he's not really initiated anything.

And I was hoping that being here would change that. So, I guess to make a long story short, I'm wondering how I could, like, make him want to do more and, oh, no, I ran out of time. But, yeah, if you're still listening to this, I'm just trying to get advice on how I can get him to want to do more things with me. And whether or not I should ask him or tell him that I'm feeling restless in the relationship because I don't want to put pressure on him. But I do want to prioritize my own needs as well. Thanks. I think the thing here is that you said at the end of the call that he's never initiated to do anything to begin with. But have you ever said that before?

Right. That's the kind of thing that I'm like, I totally hear you. and i think that's so valid but he sounds depressed and struggling mentally and if this is if this is an issue prior to this it's exacerbated it's exacerbated by this and bringing it up now isn't the time no if it wasn't the time before and i think that i think that the reason why for you it feels like probably overwhelming is because like you said you are thriving here so it's even more frustrating when you feel like you're kind of you're not getting your needs met because you're getting your needs met in all of these other ways that it can kind of feel like

the missing piece but his mental health is the exact opposite and he's really struggling and he doesn't want to do anything new and he doesn't and I think like planning to do stuff to like cheer him up and like hey let's go take a drive and like being I don't know if he's spontaneous or not but like being saying like hey we're gonna do this on Friday not like and you can say like hey do you want to do this like let's do this and not like in hypotheticals like if you plan it and do it and see if he enjoys it and see if like it does bring some happiness to his life and he is enjoying that then that's great but I think putting an expectation on him right now regardless of the fact that he's already he's always been like this and it's just gotten worse there's no way to not

tie that to his current mental health state and so i think if you're unhappy in the relationship that's valid and fine and if you want to break up that's totally valid and fine but to kind of give him this you're giving him a test that he's inevitably going to fail like with his current mental health and he would have failed it before because he wasn't he didn't he wasn't the one initiating anything and so now you're putting something on him on top of everything else that he's going through and it seems like he's just trying to cope right now um and you can't expect more of him than he can deal with at this point yeah and who knows maybe if this is maybe he has um uh what we would always call um younger boy of two brothers syndrome where everything had

kind of been done for him and he'd never or he grew up with his friends were always the planners and he like that was not what he really brought to the table like he was like oh he's number one invite we always want him there he's the best always down to do stuff yeah but he's like always a good time but that was instigating yeah and so there is an opportunity to grow there but that's when he's capable of doing that and i think that if this is something that if you're done with the relationship you're done with the relationship like and that's again like totally fucking fine but if this is something that back then when this was originally happening if you feel like you didn't say anything because you felt like the relationship was too new or you felt uncomfortable

asking for it or did you not ask because you didn't think he was capable of doing that and if you didn't think he was capable of that people can argue and say like well you don't know if you didn't try like you're allowed to like make those assumptions like you're allowed to like make those judgments and those assumptions as someone's partner and also it's the same thing we say with friends like a lot of the time when like people do shitty things like i could ask like i could tell you that this was shitty and like i want you to change but like i don't fucking care enough like and i don't necessarily think no i mean offense whatever i don't think that highly of you and that you are going to like adjust and change to this and like our it doesn't mean so

much to me and like our relationship doesn't mean so much to me that i'm gonna ask you to to change or to do something differently but i think you just kind of have to weigh that and then also if you have asked before and you have talked about this before with him and nothing changed then i think that you just have to i guess my fine my like full encompassing advice is you either need to break up or except you need to just deal with this until the pandemic's over like you need you're gonna you're gonna need to go this like 80 75 90 percent um and if you can't do that that's totally fine but i don't think putting it on him right now is going to do anything but make it worse it's gonna hinder your relationship yeah i think it'll

fully just backfire but it's hard i feel i think that there's so many people i know who like our couples were like one is thriving the other one is not and i felt like mons and i were like that for a while but like i was thriving i'm definitely not thriving like because i i mean we've talked this before i've always thought that i was an introvert i'm not an introvert i'm an extrovert with social anxiety yeah and so i but i like i'm losing it um but for a while i thought that he was doing i was like crushing it and like he was really fucking struggling because he's also an extrovert and now i'm like oh we're both struggling yeah um there was like a month where i was striving thriving and then now it's just like i'm getting used to this as being the normal but i'm not like

as productive as I was being because I just like I am exhausted and I'm not even I'm doing a lot but not as much as I could be doing it but I'm just like mentally exhausted because I can't yep I can't we're all trying to figure it out should we go on to the next hey Megan and Melissa So I have quite the situation. Okay, so it started the other day. I was in my basement. I have a stepbrother. I'm in college, by the way, but I'm living at home right now.

So I was looking for movies to watch with my boyfriend, and I looked in my stepbrother's room and his kind of TV console, just thinking that there might be more movies in there. And I did not find him to be, but I did find two pairs of my underwear. I was shocked at first, and I thought maybe our laundry got mixed up, and he was too lazy to bring it upstairs. But then I brought it upstairs, and then it was taken again, and it was back in his console.

So I knew that he was taking it on purpose, and it kind of creeped me out a lot. So I told my mom and my stepdad, which is his dad, and he had a conversation with him. And basically, my stepbrother explained that he was using my underwear to get off. He has agreed to go to therapy and talk to a mentor of his, which is great. But my question is, how do I move on and kind of feel comfortable in my own house? when i'm living with somebody who stole my underwear to get off um i understand that this is like i guess a fetish but i just feel so uncomfortable and i really don't know what to do so any advice would be great um i love your podcast and bye as soon as i heard basement

and stepbrother i was like but is that where you thought it was going no because we've had some fucking step brother fuckers on the show oh my god well the word that i would really urge you to like recognizing you is violated like you feel violated rightfully so it's not just like an ick and it's not like um fetish shaming at all this is your step brother and also fetishes fetishes are great and fetishes are fine and that's amazing but we need to not tie fetishes to being violated yeah and that's something that's like shame in the fetish community where people are like oh gross ew like blah blah blah and it's like no as long as everything's fucking consensual do whatever the fuck you want to do like that's great like we need to not kink shame

and in doing so understanding that a kink does not cross your your own personal comfort and boundaries and consent like that it should never it should never be like that i can't believe he admitted like i know that's that's like he admitted it but like what else could it have been you know if he took them more than one time he had to i'm sure the stepdad is probably his dad was probably already knew where it was going and forced it out of him oh no 100 and i'm sure that you heard it through your mom and your stepdad like i'm sure that it wasn't him saying it to you um i think it's great that they're putting him in like therapy that was gonna be my first thing is tell your parents but you did that you did all the all the things that you should have done you

waited to see if they were gone again yeah then you told your parents i think that i i mean i think therapy is beneficial in in general i think you would also probably really benefit from you should 100 go to therapy because it is it is it's a violation yeah and i think that's something that needs to be like recognized and honored that it's not it's it's yeah it is a pure violation and it is you're in your own house where you live with this person and you don't feel necessarily like safe or comfortable and i would also say just like day-to-days kind of shit if and this isn't saying that like your stepbrother is like a predator or anything or anyone who has like a fetish is a predator but like if you don't have a lock on your door like get a lock on your door

like if there are other things or like laundry have like if your mom is comfortable like she's only she's gonna put the laundry away or you're going to do it just went in her room and stole it because if it so lock get make sure there's a lock on your door but then on top of that like it like any other way that like you can feel like your stuff is your stuff and that and it's just like even just being around him is probably weird i'm sure it's weird too i would i was gonna like google but i'm to like see if there are some things to help but i don't think that the google search would come up the way that I wanted to come up um I think you need to make your room your safe place because I think your house doesn't feel like your safe place yeah I don't think it's

just her room though it's like she goes to the kitchen no exactly and I was gonna say maybe get a mini fridge in your room like get a projector get some like get some stuff that can feel like if you're not and I think it's gonna be a process which is why I think therapy is the best best way to go about like dealing with this and like working through this but i think finding a way that you can make you can give yourself a safe place in a house you don't feel safe and a house that you don't feel comfortable place that feels really like this is your fucking this is yours and so when you do have to like if there's and even talk to your like your parents and just be like hey i don't really want to do family dinners for a couple weeks like i don't feel comfortable

with that or my boyfriend's gonna stay over for a couple weeks or i'm gonna go crash at his place and just honor your feelings as they come up and not right not not having anyone and your parents do not seem like that like they seem very understanding of this but that there is first and foremost right now he is a person who has violated you he is not your stepbrother first and foremost and so that family dynamic you need to protect yourself and remove yourself from that situation in any time that it makes you feel rightfully so uncomfortable and being and and not being around him for like it whatever is going to make you feel safe in that house regardless of if it hurts his feelings you need to be your number one

how long have you guys been step siblings too and how old is the age difference i would think probably younger she's got the basement and she's been away at college i think he's probably younger i don't know yeah no it's yeah it's just it's it's violating and it i can imagine like how like like it gives you the icks like it's just like uncomfortable and gross but yeah i really focus on focus on you and let everybody else focus on their own sort of shit so you don't owe anyone anything you don't owe family dinners you don't owe a family fucking vacation like you don't owe any of that stuff because also what was it that um i forget we talked about it someone said a guest said it in

some episode but um like you can't respect you can't go out of your way to respect people's boundaries who they don't respect you so if you're like if you're trying to like do all of this stuff and like you know like well i want to upkeep this kind of thing the person who violated that is the one who ruined that you don't have to sounds like something megan tonjes might have said i that's when i was like i think it was a megan tonjes quote but um yeah i'm so sorry i can't even oh and then corn in the being stuck inside she's usually not even there yeah which also then probably feels weird like too all right well sending you comfy and like safe comfortable thoughts yeah i'm really sorry okay time for don't blame them you guys call in with your advice

from a different episode so the original call was from season six episode five where the caller she uh didn't know how to be supportive of a friend that was in a relationship that was toxic so this is someone calling with their own advice hi i'm calling in with some advice for the girl who wanted help with being there for a friend that's in a toxic relationship um basically i was the person in a toxic relationship that would go to my friends when i was really upset and bent to them and we were in the same friend group as the guy that i was dating i'm the guy wasn't a guy just not a good relationship but um anyway I would go to my friends constantly um to the point where they didn't like him at all because what they would see about him and us was me being

really upset and it took me a really long time to leave the relationship so they were just constantly having to watch that while simultaneously having to hang around him knowing that he was causing me to feel like that and now I can see how unfair that was to my friends to put them in that situation um and in my current relationship when we have actual problems I don't go to my friends about it like I will if it's for advice but it's about changing the way that you word it so you're actually asking for advice rather than just complaining about the person that you're with like if I know something isn't make or break for our relationship but I think it could change the way that someone viewed him I won't say it um I know this isn't really advice for the friend but

I do think that it depends on how it's making you feel um I have a friend who was in a relationship where her boyfriend cheated and she didn't leave him and I knew that she wasn't going to so I just said to her like as long as you're happy I'm happy but if you're not then I'm here to help and they broke up and I was careful how I said things because I had a feeling they were going to get back together so I wasn't just like yay I hate him I was just like okay well I'll be here for you through the breakup and then when they got back together I just again was like hey if you're happy that's okay like I'm here for you um but I think the difference is for me that situation wasn't draining whereas when it was me in the toxic relationships my friends were going

through shit because they had to watch it and be there for me when I wasn't doing anything to help myself and I think that's a difference like if you you shouldn't have to go through shit to deal with someone else's relationship that they won't um and also toxic people can try to cause problems within their partner's friendship so that they have no one else and are kind of forced to stay with them so i think be careful of that because yeah they will just try and cause any issues to make them have no friends um so just make sure that they're not left alone um and yeah i hope this is somewhat helpful i love the podcast i've been listening since the start and yeah thanks i think that's so helpful and i think that distinction between

when when you get older or when you just have more experience in relationships or you're in a relationship that is like it feels different like whether it's a person you end up with or whatever that you actually don't like bitch to your friends about it like and like if you like she said like if you go to your friends for advice but you do filter that in the sense of okay am I going to complain and bitch about my partner and is this going to make them change the way that they think of them and then is this a passing feeling for me though like this isn't a deal breaker for me but it can't it will be a deal breaker for them and I think that's something that people also need to learn about with like talking about to their parents about relationships

too that we assume that everybody's in our own head and can be like just a sounding board and people aren't sounding boards like they remember shit they they have their own reactions and especially when they care about you they have their own feelings about it right but like she said when she was in the toxic relationship if it's draining for your friends that it does put like it puts the friends in a position in which there it's a it's a lose-lose you have to either prioritize you or you prioritize them and like she said yeah staying in and keeping those friendships in a way that doesn't leave them totally alone but also doesn't completely drain you and ruin your mental health is really important and i was thinking about it later on too uh after the

that episode came out and i think what i wish i would have said advice wise i think maintaining a friendship with someone who's in a toxic relationship so they're not alone is great but then making sure that you as the friend are really fostering other friendships that fulfill you and sustain you so then you can be friends with that other person still yeah because you can't get anything out of them ever at all and it's not really it's not really a friendship at that point because like there's no give and take yeah it's more of you just being there in case something happens exactly so then you need to go out of your way to fill your life with so many like to like such good solid friendships that you can also then talk about this other stuff that

you're talking about with your friend and then that friend that maybe you used to go to them for everything you have other people to go to and so you're still in their circle so they're there to support them and hopefully once they never break up and so they're not alone and all that and things can then get back to how they used to be but focusing on other friendships so you don't get so like you know fully drained from that which i think is like i think that's very very fair like i oh my god i would if it's like your best friend i would be like i would die yeah i would struggle struggle hard um well hell yeah that's it for our episode guys if you enjoyed please uh leave us a review on the apple podcast app and if you want to call in for an upcoming

episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 well cool if you guys haven't subscribed to this channel yet please do if you want to follow us we have an instagram dumb blah meme pod we have our own individual socials my book is out my presets are out melissa has a bunch of other podcasts would you like to promo one of them let's see what should i promo today let's go with uh not too deep why not megan was ever heard of that megan's been on three episodes she was on one a few like a month i think by the time this comes out it was a month ago she was on one and it was very enjoyable for me to see too did you see all the comments that said that like grace and i look like the same person that's what i was like i saw them but it's because we're both

beige that's what i was saying about being beige we're both just beige people i think the darker yeah i think your darker hair she's actually a brunette too she's like a dark brunette and i think um like this i don't think it makes you look as beige actually no i self-tanned because i look okay no i know beige is what i want to look like got it beige is the beige is like my hair kind of blends in with my skin and like i have soft features a haze of beige haze of beige like ace of face haze of beige but anyway that's a interview show and it's really fun

and you should go watch it listen to it Bob Saget was also on he was on the week before Megan was isn't that crazy but we recorded it the same day Chelsea Handler's been on there that's a good one

I love that one I'm trying to think of some of my other favorites i mean they're all good even if it's somebody that i don't know specifically she's just she's very warm and makes it seem like there's somebody that she's been friends with forever she's such a good host in the sense that like again like i literally will watch episodes where i'm like i have no idea who this person is and like i wish i could be as like she's like so adaptable like i'm like i wish i was like that people can tell when i don't like someone like it's pretty fucking obvious me too yeah shows on our faces um well i think that's it our facebook

group is still closed for people who are asking we've been getting a lot of dms are like i just listened to the recent episode and i wanted to join the facebook group i was like you didn't listen to the very end did you yeah so we are uh you know not accepting new members for the time being and we will be accepting some later on we're going to be changing the questions that get people in and we are we've got like three thousand around three thousand people in the group right now and we're just making sure that by the time that you guys join it that there are no stragglers of people who we still haven't gone a week without kicking somebody out no so but yeah okay all right that's it we'll see you next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive

produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo Picasso.