Don't Blame Me! - S7E1: I’m Jealous w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: Bridesmaid for a coworker Friend keeping secrets Moving on from a toxic roommate To break up or not break up Don't Blame Them: babysitting for free   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome to another episode of don't blame me this is your friendly or maybe you know not so friendly tough love advice podcast where you call in with your problems and the things they're going through and we use our brains and our hearts and everything else that we possess are bad bitch syndromes to give you advice and we're not professionals but my co-host and producer is a

business professional Melissa DeMonts I didn't get all your joke because you froze so I don't know what you said I was saying how you know we're not professionals but you are a business professional

and your professional boss bitch all true all very true so this is a call and advice show if you want to call us for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and we ask that you keep the um voicemail to under well we don't ask we command i mean you'll get cut off yeah under three minutes um and the best practice you know write it down then you practice it you time it out see if it's gonna fit see if you can add any more information that you should add take away some stuff you don't really need um and if you're under 18 get your parents permission and

if you're over 18 um congratulations go to war because you can't really do i mean vote oh yeah vote vote vote vote vote vote don't go to war i hate war war what is it good for absolutely nothing say it again words do you know why i know that song why but from boy meets world that's the first time i ever heard that song and i was like and i would just walk around singing it because that was my show that's a great show i did too oh so much but when you watched it you were watching it like on disney channel were you watching it on tgif tgif oh my gosh what's tgif maybe i was abc on friday night's hat it was called tgif and that was like the friday night lineup and so it was boy meets world and like full house was on there and um wait family matters okay no then i

have okay okay because i or was family matters on disney channel too family matters is not on disney channel what about urkel urkel is family matters no but didn't he have a spinoff no no one gave him a spinoff no that is that character so much but the thing is his character was only supposed to be on for like two episodes but then everybody loved him and then he just took over family matters i can't believe but what the show became his show there was no there needed to be a show called do you mean like or like or even now like well you know me i love a spinoff more than i usually love the original okay so before we get into our calls we've got an update so let's hear about it so yeah the call that i had was um asking for advice because i was

asked by a coworker to be a bridesmaid. And we're just like, not super close. So it was a little weird. She asked me over Snapchat. And so in the moment, I was just like, OMG, like, thank you so much. I'm honored. Like, I didn't say yes or no. So I was like, you know, asking you guys and then like some coworkers that I feel like closer with, like what I should do. And everyone was just saying the same thing like you have to be honest you're just gonna have to like say it although Megan you did have really creative advice when you were like just say you thought it was a joke that was that was creative but I just didn't think it would like oh I could last that long um but uh so yeah I was just like talking to um well first she texted me and she was like

hey I'm just letting you know that I think we're going to downsize our wedding like we don't know what our finances are going to look like and stuff like that so it was so unclear I was like so you still want me to be a part of it like you don't and I was like okay she's like still bringing it up so I need to say something like I can't get out of it so I was telling my other co-worker just like amp me up I was like tell me what I should say like tell me not to back out of it like I need it I need that and she was like well did you see what she posted on Instagram and I was like no you didn't see your best friend's post on Instagram you're not like come on you have so I went to her Instagram and she had um like hangers engraved with her bridesmaids names

and I was not one of them okay so I completely lucked out but I was like slightly like I did not see this coming yeah yeah so I just haven't said anything I left that at that and I haven't heard about it since so do you think that weird vague conversation she had with you about like downsizing was like hey you're not gonna be a bridesmaid anymore I think maybe because yeah I don't know I was like thanks for giving me an update like I didn't really say I don't know I didn't really like do much with it um and I just like asked her like how she's doing and stuff like that because yeah we don't actually work any together anymore so we like never talk like it was just yeah I'm kind of glad it like fizzled out the way it did but

should not be having a fucking wedding with like a wedding part like do you know what I mean like I know someone who got married and take in mind they're in fucking they're in Australia or Canada and wherever they are they're like doing a lot better than we are and they had their wedding and it was them and just their like not even their parents just their siblings it was like five people like yeah bridesmaids she well she still was planning to do September 2021 yeah so that's why it was such an issue because it was like I can't like I I have to do something I have to say something so I can't remember is this the same call where she was with the groomsman of her first wedding so yeah they were they were like best friends and that's like Melissa you were like

telling me like she probably like thinks you're cool because you're like encourage the relationship because right when we started working together she um like had told me she's like so I need your advice like I'm dating my ex-husband's best friend and I was like honestly like as long as you're not being like rude about it you guys aren't friends with him anymore like do whatever you want and um yeah so she took that as like you're gonna give a blessing at my wedding like you literally like thank you yeah exactly that's wild also like man weddings in 2021 why'd you make those fucking hangers already i know well and i felt so bad because you guys had mentioned this on the call too or when i was listening back it's like i felt bad because she probably

didn't have many other people to ask but when i was talking to one of my other co-workers she asked another co-worker to be the maid of honor and i felt bad for that girl because i didn't know that they were that close and i don't think they are but she's still part of the wedding so wow she's like but is it because like all the people at her first wedding like i just can't even imagine because all the people at her first wedding would still be all the same people because they were friends and it's like her husband's friend best friend so i'm sure it's just like awkward they're like no and so now she's just clawing to whoever's still there yeah I don't know I mean she's a really nice girl I like like I liked talking to her at work but it

was just I didn't really you know you have like work friends yeah like in a corporate setting like you have work friends you have friends and then you have bridesmaids like i swear i like just have this like weird like thing with people telling me like oh you're gonna come to my wedding and i'm like i would never you're a cancer you're literally like that is literally the amount of bitches i've gotten in fights with who've called sydney their best friend and i'm like sit down no she doesn't like you that fucking much she's just polite she's just nice she's just sunshine and it's you're not fucking special bitch like it is such a vibe though like so so real love this for her love this journey for her me too this is an unconfrontational

person's dream like when it just works itself out and you just don't have to really do anything i love it i love it we love it um and uh should we get into our calls let's do it hi my name is melissa so i'm calling about some friends problems i'm trying to talk really fast to get everything in but I just wanted to say that I love the podcast and I have the number memorized because I listen to it so often best friends with this girl we'll call her Jenny since third or fourth grade and we've been best friends our whole lives all throughout high school And then our freshman year of college, we decided to room together in a dorm. And so we lived together freshman year.

We loved it. It was great. We kind of thought of ourselves as like the exceptions to friends that could live together well. So then our sophomore year, we decided to live together again and instead in a four-bedroom apartment with two other girls who were randomly assigned to us by the apartment. so my so jenny used to always have boyfriend problems she's been dating the same guy since senior year of high school and she would always come to me for the problems i'm a cancer so i'm very comforting and so she'd always wake me up in the middle of the night crying and say he just did this blah blah blah please help me i would always give her advice i'd come for her and i

I would always be there for her. But recently, since we've moved into this apartment, she's been going to our third roommate. We'll call her Sarah. And not to me. And at first I thought it was because I wasn't, maybe I wasn't reaching out enough or making her feel like she could come to me anymore. But recently they were talking in the kitchen about it. And I went out, I just went out to the kitchen to get water or something. and I was like hey what are you guys talking about like what happens with your boyfriend

and she just brushed it off and she was like oh it's nothing it's nothing and kind of looked at Sarah like don't say anything so I just wondered what advice you guys have I really don't know what to do should I confront the situation should I just let her be because maybe there's a reason she's not coming for me coming to me and so I shouldn't try to interfere I just don't know she's my best friend i love her so much and i want to be there for her thanks so much guys bye did i miss it do we like the girl who she's dating do you like do you mean like no because my instinct reaction is i mean you're also cancer though so like you but she's also your best friend so like what is she dating someone that you don't really like or have you like said things that are

like critical or said that like she should like or is there someone like in her past like an ex that you fucking hate and then she like actually like getting back it might just be like the other girl just gives maybe i don't know what kind of advice you give her but maybe you give her the advice that she like wants to hear and this other girl gives you gives the advice that she actually needs or vice versa or maybe the other girl can relate more i wouldn't take it personally no i wouldn't either and also i'm getting more sleep now no she wakes you up in the middle of the night i would slap someone across the face i have done that before when someone woke me up out of my sleep who'd you slap my sister but it was like a reaction like why the fuck are you

waking me up out of my sleep yeah it was just like leave me the fuck alone it's a warranted reaction they you go in prepared you have to assume that's gonna fucking happen yeah it's like when someone tickles you and like mots will be like you can't hit me and i'm like bitch i'm sorry you tickled me and my arms just start flailing yeah i cannot be responsible i think you're right though i think that there is like we go to different friends for different kinds of advice and i mean hell we talk about it here all the time they're like we're the people who you come to and you want us to like shoot it to you straight um so i yeah i'm curious if there is if you fall under one of those categories but i would also say like if this is the only part of your

friendship that like is have you felt anything else about this like is there any other things that have changed with you guys or anything with your relationship that's felt like strained or weird or different or uncomfortable and i would also say if she's your best friend you have to talk to her like there shouldn't be any sort of like if you're worried that you have like hurt her feelings or like not been supportive or something the only way that you can remedy that is ask her and like talk to her about it so it's not really necessarily about uh i think you can feel any sort of way but when we you don't know why the version in your head usually uh is a lot we're a lot crueler to ourselves in our heads and the only way that you can like fix that or

really get the actual answer is just to ask her about it and i would also are you do you consider yourself kind of like a jealous friend like do you um because you guys have been you've been friends for like since you've been in elementary school and it sounds like you guys are really like i mean i'm very i get very like territorial with my like close friends and i'm just like what do you get away from her but not even that but just kind of like yeah i can definitely feel have a hard time with it but that's just a conversation for you to have with your friend like as opposed to just trying to figure it out all on your own because how you feel is how you feel and that kind of going unchecked is not gonna end well build up with resentment and you'll

make up stories as to why she's doing this just get down to the nitty-gritty of it and then go from there yeah and also maybe you're not that great at giving advice and like and that's okay yeah it doesn't mean that like you're not valuable as a friend and also even if she's like leaned on you heavily for advice prior maybe like the advice like maybe she was kind of like okay it's not really working out and like i love you but like i need to get another opinion in here um but she like you guys know each other so well she might actually already like think that she knows what you're gonna say so she's going to this other person for her yeah right a different perspective and maybe there is some like miscommunication there that like her feeling

for her over something but you you guys just need to have a conversation like sit down and have a conversation about it and i would not include the other roommate no no no i would just like talk to her about it and just clear the air because yeah it's just no way no way to live yeah well there's the fourth roommate sleeping sleeping soundly with their door locked to me like do not fucking wake me up in the middle of the night and talk to me about your fucking boy problems miserable

miserable miserable well wishing you the best hope it goes well and let us know hi Megan and Melissa I'm 23 and I'm an Aries so I'm calling because I listened to you're not special which is amazing

by the way I know that Megan you dealt with a really toxic roommate situation, so I thought you might be able to help me. I just got out of my own toxic, terrible roommate experience. We were friends, and at first it was great, but then she became really passive-aggressive. She lied to me. She gaslit me. She took advantage of me financially, and my boyfriend even threatened me. She ended up breaking our lease and leaving me high and dry. I scrambled and found a new girl I'd never met before to move in and so far she's fine. She's actually almost too nice like asking me to buy me things at the store and taking out

trash and stuff like that. So the problem isn't her it's me. I don't want her to do anything nice for me or help me out at all. She also wants to talk all the time and be friends and even though I'm an extrovert for some reason I just can't bring myself to that place with her I kind of just want to be alone maybe that makes me awful and mean, I don't know

I don't want to punish her for taking my old roommate dead but I'm having a really tough time shaking how much pain the first girl caused me so my question is how do you move on from a bad roommate and how can I

maintain boundaries with the new roommate without being a double bitch um I love you guys so much uh I hope you can help thank you you're I could I mean I could not have I can see how hard this is I couldn't I literally that was the last roommate that I had like I the next person as far as the the too nice or no no no like how she had like a horrible toxic roommate situation beforehand like and now is in a new one like i never got a new monster's my new roommate like i lived alone after that and i yeah it's dude it's fucking hard but i mean i think like a therapy is i know that like people can i don't know not necessarily minimize this sort of stuff but like it can feel

like why am i not over this like why is this like i should be fine like blah blah blah but like friendships can like fuck with your psyche and especially people who live with you like that can really really really fuck with you and it doesn't necessarily like solve the problems once they're gone because like you can be triggered again by just like a roommate like a roommate is triggering for you so i mean therapy is something that i advise 100 um but then i would also just say have a conversation with your new roommate and like really just like clue them in and just like talk to him about it and was like hey I just want to give you like kind of like a background on everything that like happened before like you moved in and I'm just saying this because

I you're so nice and like you've been like so great and I have been like questioning the motives and intentions by that and I don't like that and that's something that like I'm bringing in from this past experience that i've had and i'm just trying to process it and deal with it and i'm like not at the place right now where i can really uh be a great friend i can be a good roommate and i really hope that we can grow to be like great friends too but um i'm really fucking jaded right now and i just want you to know that so if there's ever anything you want to talk to me about like if i'm like totally open to like having those conversations but um i yeah i really appreciate how nice and like wonderful you've been i'm just like really not at a place right now where i can

uh invest in a friendship but like when i'm there like you're on that list and i like would really love to like pursue that friendship with you i'd wear a shirt that said no new friends no um no I mean that's just mean but um you know I've talked about my last roommate situation how it was like a business arrangement and I know this is a little bit different because this is an apartment that like you were in first so like that shared space is like your space and well not your space but it's comfort for you and so like for me when I was with this other roommate i never would just like be in the shared space when i knew she was gonna be there um because i would separate things but like this is first of all oh i can't even imagine being

quarantined with her but like um but like i know this is different because we're like all locked down you're at home all the time um different situation um but so just like what megan said explain to her that like right now it's just like i can't let anybody else in you and i like you you're such a great person and i just i have past trauma that i'm working through and i don't want this to like ruin any potential friendship that we could have down the road yeah because there's like if someone told me that like that's i'd be like oh my god thank you for letting me know because it can be really draining for the other person to kind of like be putting all of this like effort in and like not really feel like they're being met it in response and i think for

you you might just beat yourself up about it and like just be like oh i just need to do it but like sometimes you just can't like you can't just like force yourself to do that and especially if you're like going through all of like this like you're still dealing with all of like the emotional baggage and like processing through all of it that it's like consuming like it's really all consuming and um i think that they're like certain things like when you're like she takes the trash out or whatever like there are certain things that like maybe make a list for you to like write down um like all of like the nice things that she does and which ones like can you process and rationalize this is her being a good roommate and this is what roommates should do yeah and then

which are the ones that um i are friendship things that i can't reciprocate right now and like create that difference on those things because um if you like don't let her take the trash out or do anything like that then you're becoming a mom for someone else yeah like i think she like everything that's like the roommate stuff yeah let her do like well and but but also pull your weight so it doesn't seem like you're taking advantage of her so like she takes the trash out one day make sure that you do it the next time that trash comes around but like if it's like sitting and having conversations yeah we can be friendly but like we don't have to be friends yeah and maybe maybe you guys would benefit from making like a chore chart so it feels a little bit more even like

responsibility wise and it doesn't feel like oh i owe you this oh i owe you this because when you're going through something it's really hard to feel like other people are dependent or reliant on you in like a self-starting way versus like if i have tasks and i know that other people count on me like i will do those tasks when i know but not like oh if i'm like i don't know if i'm like depressed or whatever and like i'm waking up later and like the trash and then someone else like just starts doing the things like not like cleaning up after you but like their schedules are different and so it gets ahead of it and then it becomes like what the fuck am i bringing to this like this can get really hard so if you can assign those kinds of roles and tasks that also

might make it feel um a little bit less like she's doing something nice and that she's just pulling her weight as a roommate which your other roommates should have done yeah but it is hard because like it does become i mean i always say that like i had like after my college situation my bar and like my level for like my the bar for my friends were so fucking low like if it was even marginally better than they were and that's like how you keep accepting shitty people into your life is because like well they're not the shittiest but like on the spectrum of not shit and shit they're still shit and so like that becomes like a really hard um thing to do if you don't process that kind of stuff and uh it sounds like you're having a roommate who is very much the polar opposite and

that can also just be it can feel yeah like jarring and like what the fuck is going on this is too good to be true but exactly i've got faith in you and terrible roommates suck suck so fucking much they're the worst oh oh oh well best of luck um and um yeah let us know how uh that conversation goes hope you uh can create those boundaries and everything gets better okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa um i just wanted to start off by saying i love your podcast and yes i am to hang my car. Hopefully you can't hear the AC. I'm not actually going anywhere. It's just sitting

in here. So I have a problem with just being overly jealous for sometimes no reason. Maybe there's a reason. I just wanted to know if this is normal and if you guys have any advice on how not to be so jealous for no reason. So a little backstory. I was dating this guy for almost two years. We've been broken up for the past few months, but we started talking a few weeks ago. hoping kind of maybe that we could rekindle things just because we broke up for some reasons that weren't very significant and we both thought maybe we can work through it so we've been talking for the past few weeks but obviously in the few months that we've been broken up he did talk to a few other girls he's maybe even still on tinder I'm not sure and I've kind

of noticed from overthinking everything and stalking the shit out of his Instagram and Twitter which I know I shouldn't be doing but I do anyways so I see that he has some new girl followers but I think now he's gone off the apps because he is more focused on me but then two days ago he was talking to me about a new friend he made so he's over at college on his college campus because he had to go back and I'm working full-time an hour and a half away from him so I haven't seen him because of quarantine and everything um but he has been there and he told me and he's always suffered with like extreme anxiety and disorder and depression sorry so he hasn't really ever made any friends while he was at college and I was kind of his only person

so he told me a few days ago that he made a really good friend and I was happy for him but his friend is a girl and I don't know why my mind just goes straight to thinking okay even if he's not attracted to her now him and her will probably make something out of their friendship and he told me like you know she looks just like his sister and he said like she looks like my sister she's not my type at all we're just good friends and he's even told me that I think she has a girlfriend or she's talking to a girl so there might really be no threat and he's never given me a reason to be jealous I've always just been so jealous of his exes and any girl he's talked to in the past or any female friends he has even when he assures me they're just friends and he doesn't really

like talking about it too much because he's like there's no reason and you're overthinking but with this girl I feel like what if something does come of it or maybe he's being honest and literally nothing and I should be happy for him having a new friend I just would like some advice on how not to be so jealous or if this is just a gut feeling and maybe I'm right so please let me no thank you so much love you guys this is hard because um i love a gut feeling and we're all about gut feelings here but it sounds like you felt like this with every female in his life it doesn't really sound like a gut instinct and also a gut instinct there it's like that's different do you mean like that's like

a gut instinct would be like it's like one time it happens and you just felt something in your gut that's like something isn't right this is a problem that i wouldn't say it's a problem this is a three occurring a reoccurring issue that you've had with any girl that's ever been in his life yeah this would be a gut feeling if you've never had an issue before you have no issue with any of his female friends none of his exes like you've had nothing and this this person like this girl like you just had the gut feeling but this is just the same sort of thing um and you've said that he hasn't given you any reason to feel this way at all i mean so i think it's natural when if you break up with someone then you get back together uh i think it's natural to

like you know be like kind of like sad or upset like you also didn't mention if you've dated to anyone like you hooked up with anyone in between um and i think it's natural yeah to feel like you hooked up with these people like in between like and because also you are sussing out like rekindling it so it is like um did you have feelings for anybody else or like were you just trying to like get over like i want to know what happened in those in between months like i think that's understandable but if you also while you were dating him you had issues with his ex-girlfriend and while you were dating him you had issues with his friends and he's never given you any sort of like reason to feel that way and that's yeah that becomes like something

that's on you i don't know where your self-esteem is at like if you are like a really insecure person or if you have you didn't mention anything about like previous relationships being um having had something like happen before that you kind of are traumatized like it's like you know uh bear it like that's the reason why you're feeling this now but I think if it's just stemming from the fact that it sounds like when when someone you and I'm like definitely a jealous person but like like if someone like checked mods out or whatever and like I would just be like excuse me bitch like but I wouldn't it there there's like a difference of uh knowing having a gut feeling about someone and like knowing that and then having that be like yeah the the constant

so and I say this like not in um uh like accusatory way or that you should feel like this at all but like do you feel like you deserve your boyfriend like is there a part of you that feels like you don't and feels like he he hasn't given you any reason to think that he would be into other people but do you feel like he should be like do you is your self-esteem not great and you're you look at the relationship and you go well of course he would like this person of course he would like this person of course he would like this person like there is a difference of feeling like everybody is a threat to your relationship because your partner has not made you feel secure in your relationship and then there's also someone is a threat to your relationship you feel like someone's

a threat to your relationship because you don't feel like you're bringing what you want you don't feel confident in who you are and who what you're bringing to the relationship so you have to check that um and because also if it's just like the idea that other women are a threat to your relationship is just internalized misogyny that like women are especially because he said that this girl was into another girl yeah and it also he has had ex-girlfriends he's had female friends before and all of that like if anything this those previous experiences should have shown you he has to like this isn't sus like this is something that like i had these i didn't like these people and it was unwarranted and I had no reason to and I felt like they were a threat to

our relationship and they weren't and you even said like the you what you broke up like the reasons are so minuscule and like not really important anymore it's not like he got with his do you mean like it's those anxious feelings and like thoughts that you were having none of them came to fruition so why would this one then also be but why would this one be true yeah so also you said earlier like um I've always had like jealousy issues maybe like it's something maybe it's not like I would get to the root of what that what it is really like why are you jealous like where is this coming from has he given a reason or is it historical and it's someone else that gave you a reason to be that and that's not fair on him for you to put your jealousy from past relationships

relationships onto him so like figure it out and then work through that and I would say even work through it before you guys officially get back together because you're not officially together yet yeah I would yeah try figure it out and like you know whether it's like reading books or talking to a therapist or like just doing a lot of internal reflecting like do you have abandonment issues from childhood like do you have like did you have like uh an absent parent who was never really around and even if it's not so crystal clear like if you had a parent again not a therapist not a psychologist um but like if you had a parent who worked all the time and then got a promotion and then worked even more and traveled even more and then it became these external factors took away

this person from you and so then that doesn't feel secure and then also that can also even in general that can breed a lot of insecurity that like i'm not worth and this is not true at all but like from personal experience it can also bring a lot of like i'm not worth people always leave me like I'm not worth sticking around for like I'm not something that tethers someone down here like they pick they choose all of these things over me and that can get into that can reflect in the relationships that you have and uh I think a lot of the time people like look at it really black and white of like oh do you have daddy issues or do you have mommy issues but like you can have like relationships with your parents to this day and no relationship with a

like parent child or whatever like nothing was perfect like no one ever raised a kid perfectly at all um and even if they did like other outlying factors of things that have like happened or whatever so i wouldn't if if you don't necessarily think that you fit the like playbook for someone who would have i don't know not necessarily trauma but like bring in things from your past into your new relationships don't let that hold you back because a lot of that stuff is things that happen to like people in from when the time like we're really fucking young and we don't really understand it because we don't know any different because saying that like oh i'm a really jealous person you weren't born a jealous person and it's also not you don't have to die a

jealous person like there are the times where it's warranted and it's right but you also need i don't think right now everyone is setting off those red flags to you so then if someone did come along who actually set off those red flags just like you're saying right now you don't know if this girl like you don't know because everyone you're having that like response with every single person um but i think it's a conversation to have with yourself with a therapist read a book um and then yeah talk to your boyfriend about it and it's and i would honestly just i would also just like ask what he has to say about it because i'm sure for him it's incredibly frustrating that it feels like he can only be friends with men and cannot

have dated anybody or talked to anybody before that and you guys need to be on like the same page and yeah it's just it's not a way to go into rekindling a relationship right because he didn't owe you anything while you guys weren't together like if he was talking to other girls or like hooking up with other people like it's allowed to do that hysterical historical moments uh well let us know how it goes hope it goes well wishing you happy thoughts hi megan so i need advice on my relationship so i've been with my boyfriend now for five years and through that time i haven't fully or like in the beginning I didn't really want to be in the relationship, but I finally gave him a chance, and we started

dating senior year of high school, and now we've both graduated college, and we're still here, but our lease is up in a month, and we're both moving back home, which is only like an hour away, so it's not like a significant move, but I haven't really wanted to move back in with him back home, and I talked to a therapist this year, and I told her it that's been going on and she's pointed out how he's been like manipulative and toxic and all these different things and like all these bad things have been going on through our relationship but it hasn't been anything severe like he's not abusive or anything not to downplay anything but I just haven't really been happy and so I tried to break up with him about a month ago and he

He did take it very well and we were still living together and we were broken up for about a week and he kept begging for me to give him another chance and I finally did and we communicated about all the issues I had and the issues he had and the past month was a lot better than the past five years have been, but at the same time, I'm still not wanting to continue the relationship and I've been telling him that, but he's still not ready to end things. And so he wants me to give him one more month of us living back home and him being better and me working on communicating better. But at the same time, I'm still wanting to just end things already and just be on my own. And I've also been

questioning my sexuality about something I want to experiment on, I guess. But he just wants me give him one more month and then after that if I'm still feeling this way then he's okay well not okay with that but ready to end things I guess or would be more open to it and I just don't know what to do I keep going back and forth wanting to give him that one month of a chance but at the same time I'm just so ready to be done with this relationship take a break and I don't know that's enough information a lot of my friends think that we should end our relationship already that I should move on he should move on and we should try different things and my therapist honestly thinks that we should break up too even though she hasn't really said that because she can't

but i can definitely tell with the way she said things and her reactions to me saying like oh we broke up or we're getting back together whatever but i need your help i need advice from an outside standpoint thank you so much she only wants your opinion stop you guys have to say both of our names up it's okay um i don't know like the thing is no one thinks that you should be with this dude you don't think you should be with this dude if we have to be the last people that you come to like why are you with him all he's doing is manipulating you more this is exactly what your therapist was talking about he's manipulative you give him one more month and then it'll be another month on top of that you don't even like him like you don't want to be with him anymore you don't want to

live with him anymore this is just another way of him to control you just get out like moving home is the best thing because you don't that's the cleanest way that you can break up like leave him i hate him so much i hate him so much you're right he's so manipulative and even the fact that like you want to break up and you've wanted to break up and then you're like yeah and i like i told him like and you know like on this break like i would work on my communication issues i go no no ma'am no no ma'am you wanted to break up with him why do you have shit to work on why do you have shit to work on that's gaslighting the fact that you're saying you want to break up because and i'm sure like you just wanted to break up and then he had like why like what are these

issues you address those issues and then he brings up your issues and then suddenly you're back together and you're working on your issues and even if he says he's working on his the fact that you were included in the conversation like that's something that like is very like not even necessarily like manipulative or toxic in relationships but it can be really easy to do the tit for tat sort of thing and that's like been like the greatest thing that like matz and i've learned in therapy that it's like if one of us brings up an issue that's our time you don't get to bring up another issue that you have just because we're having sitting down and having a serious talk like too bad you got to sit this one out like you got to wait till the next time

it's not your turn and this is like intentionally manipulative and like yeah he's not gonna fucking be done after a month no like what kind of time limit is that anyway no like it's nothing let's say he's let's just say he's just on his best behavior for this month and then day 32 rolls around and he's back on his same bullshit and then he's gonna be crying to you like don't worry i can change just give me a month give me it's never going to end and you just have to cut your losses and go find you a woman yes nothing makes me happier than when we hear these calls of people dating trash men and then we find out that you are also attracted to women and i'm like fuck yes get you a fucking nice wonderful woman like just fuck this dude and like you said like

this you moving in with your parents is the fucking blessing of the year because when you are out of that manipulative cycle I've dated like some trash people and like I literally like flew back to Marin to be with Sydney so I could break up with someone because I'm like I can't do it here like I've been coerced into staying so many fucking times and that's something that like once you're out of it and you are like looking back on it you're gonna have so much more not i want to say strengths but like you're clear-headed because like he's not in your fucking like break like manipulating the shit out of you and making you feel responsible for his like shortcomings in a relationship and that's become like when it becomes when you bring up

issues in a relationship and somebody else brings up your issues like psychologically that's essentially saying these are your issues which is why i'm doing this so essentially what i'm doing you did to yourself you did that you chose you you did these things that made me do this so you did this yep which is super fucked and i think the second that you are out of there and you are at home like even if it's just a level of you text him hey and also normalize breaking up with people over text you won't fucking take no for an answer normalize break normalize doing whatever the fuck you need to do for your own mental health and your own fucking sanity and your fucking safety so break up with him for the hundredth fucking time uh over text message or

and so you don't have to like hang up the phone on him if you don't feel comfortable doing that but also like fucking hang up if you want to and then get home tell your parents or whoever you live with at uh home and say we broke up me and fucking what should his name be jeremiah no i was gonna say jake it's still in the same ballpark oh but see then jake peralta and then also one of my best friend's name is jake we need a good i need kyle to change chase chase yes so hi um family who i live with or people who i live with uh chase and i i broke up with chase and that relationship was so manipulative and so fucking toxic and he talked me into breaking like staying together all these times and i need you all to hold me accountable if he calls this phone if he shows

up here i need us all to be on the same page because i am was miserable in that relationship and i was so unhappy and he would just manipulate me and make me feel like it was my fault and like make me get reinvested in it and i'm telling you right now while he is not around he is not here i do not like him i don't want to be with him anymore and i need us all to be on the same team and one two three break yeah as long as everybody is on the same page with you and then you tell your you tell your therapist you tell your friends you've got a whole team of people who are going to hold it account like hold you accountable and then just i'm gonna just block his number just block his number don't engage with the text messages don't like any sort of like manipulation

of like the well like let's just like talk like i'm just really missing you like this no no you don't get over a breakup by conversing with the person who broke up with you exactly manipulation manipulative as fuck so cut the response off completely and that will not only help you but it will also help him and then eventually he will date somebody else and you'll be so relieved and warn her fuck chase though like yeah fuck that i hate that take some time for yourself and then get out there into the lady pond as they say on bravo lady pond oh yeah that's what i've seen those watch what happens live clips where like andy asks yes like have you taken your toes

i never even realized how funny that was until you just said it oh that is really funny um the lady pond all right ready for don't blame them yes so this one is from dora dora didn't even realize it did it season six episode 22 and the original caller her sister quit her job and was like can you still watch my kid all day and i don't pay you anymore so here's someone calling to share their advice about that i hope it's not a similar situation that sucks basically what i would like to say to this girl is your skills are so valuable as a cna that there is absolutely no synopsis that you should not be getting paid for child care.

And to be working a 14-hour day, if you're getting paid $15 an hour, which is what, I mean, like as a full-time nanny, that's what I charge for like date night setting. That's not what I charge for a full 14-hour day. But let's just pretend you're charging $15 an hour. That's $200 for what you said, two days a week that you're working like this

for your sister. That's $400 a week that you're missing out on. which is just insane to me. So I'm stressed for you because I understand that not only is it difficult to talk about money in general, but especially when it comes to talking about it with family. At the end of the day, though, the skills that you have, the training that you have is so valuable, and that shouldn't go unnoticed. Also, the fact that you are spending so much time with your nephew and helping him develop

and taking him places and caring for him by giving him baths or feeding him or reading to him or, you know, whatever. You're helping this kid develop and grow. And that's fine and dandy, but that's not on auntie time. That's on caregiver time. And you need to be paid for that, and that needs to be recognized by your sister and her partner. He didn't say, you know, husband or wife, but whatever.

But, like, if her partner is working, then they also, you know, can be contributing to this for you, because that's, you know, their stepchild. So at the end of the day, as difficult as it is, you need to talk to your sister, you need to talk to her partner, and you need to figure it out, because it's just not okay to not be getting paid for this. It's incredibly hard work. And I think what would really help is having some sort of written agreement to basically just talk about like what is expected of you and what is expected of them as basically an employer um like I said I've been in child care for four years now full time and just listening to you I'm just so stressed for you and I wish you nothing but the best and I

really hope that you can get this sorted out oh stress for you bye I like her voice I like her voice and her demeanor yeah I can tell she works in child care I feel supported I do too and the call wasn't even about me i feel like supported and seen and validated wow uh if you ever get bored of child care or exhausted you i feel like you'd be a great therapist too because i feel i think that they kind of go hand in hand yeah i feel like that's i mean it's so truly i think like also all doctors um should have to uh have like some good child um care or like therapy training in the sense of like bedside manner because that's something that like when you hear someone talk or whatever who's like a preschool teacher or

kindergarten teacher like it gives you that warm fuzzy feeling and it's intentional like there's a reason and a cadence to how you speak and why you say what you do and like how you move your mouth like all of that kind of stuff and you know i just love i love a good bedside manner like i would love that translated more so nice i had such an aggressive doctor when i was a kid and i was like these scare me so much i had a great dr o'connell he probably listened to this like my sister's kids still go to him stop i love that i think that's so fucking precious and like they can like text him if like something's like he's very nice and if i was like dr o'connell would you listen to my podcast he would that's so cute i love that uh well i mean

i think this call back i think she you got all like yeah very very um very spot on with it i didn't even really think of it in the maybe because i don't think i knew what she i didn't think i don't think i knew what a cna that's what it is right i don't think i think i asked you after the call what that was yeah but i think like specifically what she's saying about how you know she's very trained to take care like yeah it's not just like a babysitter not just like because the original caller had like her step daughter was watching the kid with no type of training and getting paid yeah no it's like asking like a composer to like you know play at like a i don't know play at your home for like free after you've been like employing them to

like i don't know be in an orchestra like i don't know fucking some shit where it's over very overly qualified for this work yeah that is past the scope of your qualifications makes oh your qualifications like over overcomes your like relationship you know i mean like yeah it's like when people ask me to like friends will ask me to like can you produce my podcast for me and i'm like are you going to pay me yeah and they're like that's not in the scope of our yeah they think like it should be just like a friendly thing i'm like no like this is my like it's a profession i'm not just going to provide something free when like you're taking away from me either having my relaxation time or from my paycheck yep um yeah i hope this original

caller i hope um making money creating those boundaries i did like um i remember that one your advice from the original call was what you said some song to play you better have my money kriana kriana um i hope you got paid let's we should get an update if you are listening we would love to have an update and that's the end of our episode but speaking of updates um we love having our live updates and if you have called in for a previous episode um give us an update yeah and it's like we it doesn't matter like if you like if it if you think it's boring or if you think like i don't need any more advice it resolved itself we still just want to hear from you and if you didn't take our advice don't worry it's okay we don't we might tell you we told you so but then

there's other times like yeah you might the situation might have been like too quick before the episode came out we still want to know what happened we're curious as fuck let us know you can't dang you can't give us the beginnings and then not tell us the end yeah we want to know we want to know and yeah think of like um the uh the girl who um the the the the succubus boyfriend and the all of the the saga of all of that we love to know that shit even if it's you know less um witches it's okay too uh if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com for updates should they send us emails do the same thing the same

you can send an email or call in whatever we're still gonna get to it yeah please do it and uh follow us on socials you can watch my show just ask the baker on food network kitchen app and you can buy my book um if you're in canada you can watch my movie the honor list if you're a casting director i'm very unemployed if you'd like to put me in something um anything you want to promote any of your finance contact me i've got some screenplays that i would like produced um that's what i want to promote right now yes money give yeah money i've got a great one yeah we start a uh a gofundme for the one screenplay that megan would star in you started to go fund me no i'm just saying what if you did that i was like we i mean i feel like we've got we should

we should use up all of our connections before we go to the people go fund me as a if it goes to go fund me then we're out yeah no then yeah i just wow i just love how it would be go fund me as opposed to like what are the ones that you use for scripts uh yeah is that do people even use those no but there was one like way back in the day what was it called but that's why it's funny to say it would be on go fund me because go fund me is for people who's like houses burned down for people like like medical bills funeral yeah and we're like uncle's funeral yeah creative arts support the arts i do not remember what that original one was called um it's gonna bother me you fucking do look it up after yeah um close it out for us megan okay follow us on socials and

um uh you know uh we're really working on in georgia everybody so phone bank text bank donate money whatever you can um we stacy stacy needs an app so we got to pull our weight everybody and uh we'll see you uh oh patreon our videos are on patreon and you can sign up there five dollars a month it helps us continue to do the current show that you're watching and as a thank you uh we do two live streams a month over there and we do like zooms and we hang out we talk it's a great place to meet people make some virtual friends talk about you know um tv shows that we're watching we talk about politics and we have been talking about i don't know about 10 this is up you know doing some we watch a movie and then we review it afterwards and we all talk about it

together so think of it like a book club movie club friends just like just hanging hanging kicking kicking it we live for it kickstarter that's what it was yes thank god okay well um on that note um we'll see you next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts Edited by Katrina Henning and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.