Don't Blame Me! - S7E10: Setting Boundaries w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: catfished by a “fuck boy” Boyfriend can't keep it up Lying coworker Loud upstairs neighbors Don't Blame Them: celebrity crush   Call Transcriptions   Original Call (S1 E7): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dont-blame-me/id1223800566?i=1000389628251 https://youtu.be/4UnXml-F1sQ?t=1306   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me hello i'm megan and this is melissa my fantastic co-host hello and um this is an advice podcast where you call in you leave us voicemails and we as two uh professional unprofessional bitches with lots of opinions tell you what we think you should do with your life and you know um as we always say we we do it from a place of honesty tough love how we talk to each other how we talk to our friends and and and yeah what what else do i what else do i normally say you say what we uh don't have in knowledge something like that we lack in credentials we make up foreign opinions and unlike assholes where everyone has one we have multiple our opinions are like pores

it's like hair it's all over it's on my legs it's on my head my armpits all of it so like we said we give advice and we want to give you advice so if you need some advice we know you do call us give us a phone call, a ring a ding, leave a voicemail at 310-694-0976. And international listeners, you can record an audio message and then just email it to us at Megan podcast at gmail.com. You have to be 18 or over have your parents permission to call into the show. And we also suggest that you write down what you're going to say you can practice it keeps it really concise. And if you have been listening for a while, you can tell the calls that people have written down like it feels really like put together seamless and it's a lot easier for

us to give the best advice because we want as much information as possible that is actually pertinent to it so we don't we don't like to speculate but sometimes we have to if you don't give us all the info um and then you can also practice because you got to keep it under three minutes or you will be cut off not by us but by google google so do you want to fuck with google i don't fucking think so and also if you have been a caller on a previous episode and you want to give an update yeah shoot us shoot us a call shoot us a call leave us another voice let us know speaking of updates sprack and the update we've got one from um a very old episode the seventh episode of this show ever literally ever yes and so uh i suggest you go back we'll put the

link in the show notes but i suggest you go back and listen just because like megan looks like a baby um do i look that different do you do like you just look younger but your voice sounds different it sounds like your tone of your voice sounds like arden's voice okay so yeah we have there's an we'll leave the audio link for the podcast episode and there's also uh it's that one is on youtube too um so if you want to go we would we would advise you to because it's one that we both had to we both like listened because we were i didn't remember a lot of it at all because it was like 2017 i think well the craziest part is they called in she was like 16 and now she's 21 yeah like that's crazy and it's so again we love those kinds of updates and like callbacks

um of people like who've grown up and like you know what i mean like it's just it's very cool to see and hear like just the differences and like you know the self-awareness and all of that because like yeah even the advice we might give later on is different and but i think you guys are going to love this fucking update like it's wild and disgusting it's just absolutely disgusting disgust as most are yeah um play the tapes okay um i called four years ago i was like 16 and just turning 17 or something like that so I'm 21 now and whenever I called I was asking about boy help with this guy that I had been talking to for about nine months and um we didn't share like with the thing that we were doing I said I needed help with um he was talking to other girls but I

wanted to date him and he didn't want to be like just with me and he wasn't wanting to put a label on anything and i was asking for advice on how i could tame him and what to do and he deleted his twitter account and this is this was happening all over twitter correct all over twitter we met on a site it's called movie star planet it's kind of like club penguin it's i don't know what either of those are sorry i i know what club penguin is movie star planet okay it was like a huge thing whenever i was growing up um it was like an escape it was kind of like club penguin except for like older teenagers and it's just a place where you could make friends and get famous and um what do you mean famous well get famous on like the game okay it's a game it looks like

the kim kardashian game yes it's kind of like that oh my god you can kind of get famous on the website kind of and just like have fame on there um so that's where i met this guy he was really famous and on this team you could be on a team and i met him on there and he was a leader of it and we started he started flirting with me and i didn't flirt back until so much later but anyways um we talked through twitter for safety reasons because i didn't want to show my face to of these people and um i was kind of getting famous on the game anyways so i just didn't want to share a lot of personal information which is why we had these twitter accounts and um he had like thousands of followers i had hundreds of followers on there it was just like kind of low

key famous but that's why it sounded so weird because i was like oh i've never seen his face and you were like freaking catfish and i was like you don't know the whole story megan he doesn't the whole story Shanda was talking about this is even this is truly like beyond what I could even comprehend do you like it's like the fact that it is less it is less crazy than I thought it was a catfish like this is so much more insane I know I know it's so dumb so much more dumb but I was 16 and yeah and this is what I was doing with my time and then after that I think like I was so done with him eventually I was like I'm not doing this anymore you don't want to put label on anything this is dumb and I quit the game and whatever a whole bunch of other people

quit the game too quit the game stopped talking to him got a real life boyfriend and then two years after that um I had one of my friends from the game contact me and she was like you need to get on your old twitter account right now there's a bunch of stuff happening with Donnie which was his name not it wasn't it was his name um for you guys wait I'm sorry for all the name wait is that is that the fake name that you're picking or is that the fake name he chose for the game that is the fake name that he chose to um tell us who he was of all the names to pick why Donnie I was um I was told to go back on Twitter and I needed to apparently answer a bunch of questions and I needed to be a part of this so I got on and all my old friends that were on that game

and the old teammates were like hey it recently came up that Donnie was a catfish and you talked to him right and I was like yeah I talked to Donnie I was like turns out Donnie was six other people that were the leaders of the same team that I was on so Donnie was actually six different people maybe seven I'm unsure because there was one that was kind of iffy but that person was pretending to be six different people that I was all friends with I was all friends with all they They had the time to make all these different personalities for each person. They were all completely different personalities, too. One of them was apparently French and she didn't speak good English.

And one of them was like going to a boarding school in the UK and she had a special scholarship so she couldn't be online as often. And then one of them had a normal job in New York City. and then this guy was I think Donnie said he was from um a state that starts with an m that I can't pronounce but that somewhere upstate Massachusetts yeah that one six different personalities just all completely different and um whenever they asked me like what what did you personally message with him and I was like well I mean we talked for nine months but like this charade had been going on they had pretend they were pretending to be six different people tricking you know thousands of followers that they had they even have like a youtube

channel or whatever um and i think you can still like look at the videos on their youtube channel but thousands of followers pretending to be like six completely different people for like seven years or more on this little game for preteens and teenagers so okay so like it's like getting famous that you could be like artsy or whatever maybe they were like a writer and it was like different characters they had created for a book or screenplay or something and they were testing it out to see how the characters and they were also unemployed yes they had to be they had to be unemployed well they tested it out like the reason that we found out it was a catfish was because their accounts have been inactive for so long so someone else that played the game we don't

know who it was hacked into their accounts and got their emails and figured out that all seven of the emails were the exact same email and then tracked it down to facebook and found out it was some 35 year old woman with two kids and a husband catfishing us for seven years my i mean i'll be honest i am happy that it is a woman married with children versus like an old dude but like still creepy though because she was flirting with her and pretending like they were like

dating or whatever and then talking to other girls doing the same thing still fully creepy still fully fully fucking creepy yeah she had even because she had sent sexual messages to many of the people she was talking

to one of which I know one of which I know was a 14 year old girl did you guys report this woman we actually had to get a private investigator and i had to i didn't have any of the screenshots anymore because why would i want to keep that that's gross and i didn't think about it at the time i was like you don't want to forget this so i deleted all of them but um i had to send you know a big long message of the things that we had talked about in length which was you know gross but i mean i was 17 yeah in texas that's technically the age of consent

yeah but like the 14 year old and and I even told Donnie at the time I was like hey just so you know this girl that you're talking to is 14 years old and underage and he like would get all snippy with me and be like I don't know why you're in my business and why you're telling me things that I don't care about and like and I was like I want to go to jail that's your problem but okay oh wow my god so when did all this happen when did it go down um so 2016 december was whenever i started talking to donnie and then we talked for nine months so then in 2017 i stopped talking to him holy shit so do you know what's happened to this woman like has there been any like updates i haven't heard any updates i would go on that

twitter account and I because I mean it would it was like x amount of years ago so I was just kind of like over the whole thing because I was like okay I got catfished I could have told you that and I want to be so done and far away from this situation that's gross and it's embarrassing because it's like yeah I was 16 and stupid but at the same time who wants to say oh I was catfished by like one person that was pretending to be five different people on an app like club penguin i mean to be fair someone did message me like uh last year two years ago dm'd me and apologized because they used to catfish i had two different people someone used to catfish as me on club penguin and someone used to pretend to be my cousin and they were and so the person who

pretended to be my cousin pretended to be my cousin in real life too and i was like i mean dude i'll be fair like i don't have a lot of cousins so like there's not really a lot of like no one's really gonna correct you so you're fine but like it's it happens to so many people and like especially when it becomes like those kinds of like i think of like the the neopets friends that i had when i was a kid i'm like i'm sure they're all fucking probably like not who they said they were but like as technology gets like more advanced and like you know you think of like oh people have boyfriends online and girlfriends online and all of that kind of stuff like that's where it gets really messy so I don't think it's like I know they were dating the personalities

were even it went so far as they were dating each other because Donnie was dating one of the other personalities whose name was Carolyn and they were dating this is a 35 year old woman who named these people fucking Donnie and Carolyn oh my god the names were Camilla Donnie Carolyn Vivian oh I don't remember her name I just remember the like stage name which was snuggle muffins and that was another one of them I am disgusted beyond belief like how are you great I mean it was so long ago and like I think the way that I coped with it was like well I wouldn't I wouldn't do that to anybody and why would I think that anybody else was going to do that to me because I'm saying enough that I wouldn't create six different personalities

to trick thousands of people um and I did make a really good friend from it and I know she's not a catfish because we have talked and we have zoom called and it's okay but we she's the girl that I like we talked about Donnie with and she was like Haley maybe you don't want to talk to him that's kind of weird I was like I don't know what you're talking about it's fine holy shit balls uh yeah uh i'm glad that she's doing okay i honestly hope that no one was hurt from this but like if she was this was just like the tip of the iceberg and i promise if she was doing this for seven years pretending to be seven different people and somebody got hurt during this and i just yeah i hope that they're okay now and also there's no way that this was the first time they've

ever done anything like this or the last like as much as this is taking so that took so much of their time to do all of this i'm like there's got to be some other some other shit or some other things that you're you're doing so yeah glad that glad that she's like so removed from the situation and had the the the wherewithal to like be safe and protect her personal and private information which is great and psa it's like everybody in general keep your information like private online with people that like you haven't you don't know and you haven't met like yeah it is something that like is so crucial and as somebody who grew up very much on like the internet the i i was very careful like they're definitely like i had fanfic friends like i had like that

kind of stuff but like nothing that ever surpassed like again like surface level friendship of like messaging on whatever platform like never taking it off and the only time that like i ever made like again internet friends was youtube and that's something that like you're seeing people but like even then you really have to be careful and like that all of that kind of stuff yeah and even even when I was younger like I was on the internet I had friends and like but it was different because it took so long to send pictures that you couldn't send pictures like you could send them but it would take like hours to download one picture but um there was one like quote-unquote friend that like I shared my address which which I shouldn't have done but like we

exchanged pictures through yeah through um you know the mail and that could have been anyone like they could have sent me a picture of anyone and i just don't know who they are so and if my parents found i remember just like checking the mail to make sure i caught it before my parents did but like yeah it's just like the internet is it's a great place but it's also a dangerous place and just be careful because you never know who you're actually talking to i mean the show catfish has taught us that yeah fuck i gotta catch up too cammy said the last couple episodes have been crazy like i heard about them before and she was like you have to watch when they come out and i haven't yet but yeah fuck fuck fuck fuck but stay safe and if you have the younger siblings or

anything like that like make sure you really you know share that kind of like information with them on being safe on the internet and all of that that's i'm fucking terrified of that with kids like fuck that that scares the shit out of me me too me too well shit should we get into our calls let's do it call number one i'm megan and melissa i'm 24 years old and i'm an aquarius so hopefully that helps with anything um but i've been with my boyfriend for almost four years now and at the beginning our sex life was you know good and like spontaneous um but I feel like over the years maybe just because you know we've gotten comfortable with each other and we don't live together we both still live at home um we only ever hang out at his house um you know we we can

you know have our alone time um but sometimes his parents are home but I mean that doesn't really stop us but lately within like the last few months it's been really hard for him to keep it up or keep it hard. And most of the time it's because when we do hang out, you know, we're drinking wine or we've been drinking all day or something like

that. Not that we're like drink a lot or we're alcoholics or anything. Or he plays golf so sometimes he'll be out playing golf all day. He won't have breakfast. He'll be drinking all day and then by the time we hang out, he's just like exhausted. So he says

that that's, you know, that contributes to that um also he was really really fit when we first got together and he's not anymore um he's definitely out of shape and he's gained a lot of weight but that doesn't like that doesn't bother me at all I still find him super attractive I love him no matter what um but this has obviously affected our sex life and the other night I started crying because I told him I think that it's me I feel like it has something to do with me and I feel like you're not attracted to me you know like why why else wouldn't you be able to teach it up and he he assured me that it wasn't me and he also mentioned that it has to do with his you know fitness and he constantly says I'm

gonna get healthier I'm gonna get healthier but he never does and I've even tried saying you know let's work out together let's start a fitness plan together um I'm pretty fit I would say I go to the gym almost every single day and I eat pretty healthy and he used to be a competitive body builder so he knows what he has to do I just don't know how to get him to do it without me pushing him or without him thinking that I don't I just don't want him to think that I don't find him attractive anymore I don't want him to think that I'm pushing him for all the wrong reasons I want him to get healthier but I know that it's something that he kind of has to do on his own If you guys have any, any advice, um, I'd love, I'd love to hear it.

Thank you. We know how I feel about the word healthy. Yeah. Also, are you at a racetrack? Yeah. God, where the fuck are you? Um, I know you said that it wasn't about his body, but that was what most of your call was about.

Yeah. No. And like, here's the thing, like there again, like to reiterate, any body is a healthy body. Like weight has nothing to do with health and also a healthy body. Like we're not even accounting for like autoimmune disorders or any sort of like chronic illness or diseases or any sort of like physical disabilities or mental disabilities or like mental health struggles or anything like that. Like this idea that like losing weight equates to being healthy is not is completely untrue right and him being a bodybuilder like you have to put

as somebody that worked with body like I worked in that profession um I wasn't a bodybuilder but I worked with bodybuilders and you have to put your body and health through so much and that just because you their body fat percent is so low and just because you're so muscular doesn't mean that you're like quote unquote healthy no like the way that you see that's it's it's a physical thing it's very hard on your cardiovascular health to have that low body fat like yeah it's just it's just true and like that's not saying that's unhealthy versus healthy like if we're if you want to get down to like the specifics of it like there it can be it's very hard on your organs to be that low in body fat like it's just a fact um and also but like that's okay like here's the

like it can be like whatever fucking yeah he can be whatever you want to be yes but i like sure is there i'm sure there's medical uh there's medical evidence to be fair again we've talked about this before but like the medical system is fails a fuck ton of people and it really especially fails um people uh i again i'm a i'm a slim person so i don't want to say anything that's offensive to any like whatever term you want to say if you are uh heavier if you prefer the term fat if you presume curvy anything like that people who are bigger bodied like the the medical system fails them repeatedly and so the idea that like the solution to him not being able to get it up like is just that he like needs to lose weight and work out and that's what that is it seemed

like you are focusing i know that you said that like you and i i'm not saying that i don't believe you that you don't think that it's about his body but i think that you have you think that you and him have figured out the cause of it and so you're just trying to fix it and tackle that thing but you don't know you don't really don't know and so now it no matter what even if like it is now focused on his body when in reality it's this is supposed to be focused on his dick like i'm not but like in actual health health wise from what the information you told us he's not eating the way that he should be eating he's not eating breakfast he's out drinking all day when you guys are together you're drinking like all that inhibits his dick from getting up so like and

and again like him being like active he's playing golf he's just not preparing his body before before you work out you have to eat he's not eating no i can't to be fair i cannot imagine having sex with moth after he's golfed all day homeboy falls asleep on the couch at like 4 p.m like sitting tiring so he's exhausted yeah and so like he needs to be eating that's like and he the end of if you're like what's your main issue here is it him not eating correctly or is it him not fucking you and like if that if it's like him not fucking you like and you know that when you're together that you're drinking and you think that's the issue with you not being able to have sex then don't drink when you're with him and then that can eliminate and you can see if that's part

of the problem if it's not if you don't drink and he doesn't want to have sex with you there might be some other issues there yeah and like i i would also address like with him like are you guys is he in the mood to have sex when you're in the mood like what what is the libido like because is it like uh you want to have sex and so he's like well i i want i want to do what you want and like not in i'm not saying this is like in a pressuring way at all but like is he like turned on like is he like is he like in the mood to have sex like is there that is that lead up there because like if if he's in the mood and is like turned on ready to have sex and like can't stay hard then that's a different issue versus like I'm trying to get myself in the mood when I'm like

exhausted and drunk and like I'm not there so I think like there's a conversation with him about like hey when or like is are you coming on to him or is he coming on to you and like when are you in the mood and then again like you said i think the first thing to fucking try is um try not drinking for a month like have that be the first thing that you try versus making this about like his body and losing weight and doing all of that stuff because like here's the thing if he wants to like lose weight or if he wants to like do whatever he wants to do like that's fine but like a lot of people yeah talk about that and then don't follow through with that and more more often than not that means that that is just not high on their priority list and that's okay but like when you

hear someone say like oh i really want to lose weight like it is not your place or your responsibility to then be that enforcer and that pusher unless they ask you to do that because otherwise like we say a lot of fucking shit and like sometimes we say things like fish for compliments or to get like validation or reassurance from our partner that like they still find us attractive and sometimes we just like word vomit our thoughts and like if he's not taking action on like working out and doing that it's not that important to him and so it it doesn't need to be you don't need to like find that for him to even if it was something that he like previously loved it was something he was really into we grow and we change and like we're

in and out of those different kinds of things but the the bottom line of the issue here is him is is the sex and i truly think that that is your issue with this too but you're giving me capricorn energy where you think you found the solution and so therefore you're like working your way backwards to fix it which is moths and it's nutshell which is why i said capricorn energy but i think like it's having a conversation about like hey let's not drink for like let's do a month yeah and let's eat better yeah and like you know it's like when maybe it's like and moths is also the same way like in the mornings it's like he's not a make a breakfast kind of person so like i you know like we like i did a whole like we'll make like frozen breakfast burritos that he can like heat up in the

morning together and like it's a fun thing it's not like me feeling like i'm taking care of him or like doing anything like that but like i guess i take i mean taking care of in like a a way that i like not like in like a motherly kind of way like we don't we'll do it together or whatever and like that's a great habit to get into um and it's it's less about like fixing it for him and like doing something together that like will hopefully change your relationship for the better and then at the end of the day like if if the drinking doesn't work if like the eating breakfast and like all of that kind of stuff like doesn't work then i think i mean i think you should have a conversation check in with his mental health to start i think that's like a that's uh

i mean we're we're in a panoramic we're in a panda express like we're all dealing with we're all dealing with shit right now and that can be a huge contributing factor and then once you've tried alcohol once like cutting out alcohol once you guys have tried um you know like fueling your body for the day so he's not tired and like going based off of like his cues of when he like is in the mood to have sex and like what gets him amped up and all of that stuff if it's still like not working go to the excuse me go to the doctor have him go to the doctor and talk to someone because it is it is affecting your relationship and as much as it might be a pride thing for him it does affect you too and if he decides he doesn't want to work on it or is okay with that

like is okay with like not really having sex a lot or anything like that and like doesn't really want to make a change. That's his right. And it's also your right to be like, that's not really what I'm into. So like, I would like to move on to a different relationship. Like we can't force people to do or want something that we want. And it's hard when you've been in a relationship for like four years. Like when you said, yeah, we used to have spontaneous sex. And I'm like, well, when you're in a relationship, sex isn't necessarily spontaneous because like you've had sex before, like, you know, that you're, you could have sex again. Like, it's not like a surprise um so it can just be like you know you get comfortable and some people once they get into

a long-term relationship they're they don't they don't want to have sex as much and like it's okay if you want to have sex more and it's also okay that you guys just might not be a compatible match and you might have run your course which is also fine but yeah he's got to eat and you got drink less yeah drink more water you know that's that's the thing that everybody says all right on lemon water. On to the next. Hi, guys. I love the show. This is very long, so I'm going to jump right in. So my husband and I have been together for six years and married for one. He's moved in with me about six months before we got married. He comes home from a family with a lot of drama. He is one of four sons and the only responsible one. His brothers are older than him and have

children with various women who they do not take care of. Just to give you an idea, my husband has approximately 10 nieces and nephews all over the state. His three brothers all live with his mom currently. One of them doesn't even have a license or an ID because he says he doesn't know how to do it and Ma doesn't want to help him. They don't work at all and still live with her. He is the only one who has a degree, a job, and was able to move out and build his own life. But his mother and brothers are constantly causing him stress, which has been causing problems in our relationship. My main problem is that his mother constantly calls him, staying at least one hour during the day and at least one hour at night, to the point where I don't remember the last time we had dinner or movie night without it being interrupted by her calls.

The problem is that these phone calls are hard to ignore because there is always something happening, either the police that are at their house for some dumb shit that his brothers did, Or a few weeks ago, there was a fire in their home because somebody left the stove on all night. Then somebody abducted my husband's nephew, the only one living with them. There are phone calls sometimes that are plain ridiculous. For example, last night she called him to come to her house to take out the trash bins because nobody in their house wanted to do it. His brothers are all over 30. This woman is insane.

She's mortally obese, cannot get up and physically do anything for herself. so she's always calling my husband to come and help her which I understand and we live about five minutes away but it also doesn't help that there is three other grown men in that house who do not want to do anything for her. It's been difficult we cannot move currently because I've been out of work since the pandemic hit. I love him and I'm proud of him for being able to get out of that situation and do well for himself but it still keeps pulling him in he understands there needs to be a boundary but he's always afraid that something terrible is going to happen to his mother or his nephew i know he relies on me as support but it's been hard on me emotionally

because i have a healthy relationship with both my parents and they also live in another country so it's hard for me to understand this dynamic how would i approach telling him the whole situation with his mother's phone calls because i don't want to come off as selfish and add to the stress he's already going through thank you this is a lot yeah to say the least um first i'm just sorry that everybody involved is going through this situation um and i know that it's mentally and emotionally taxing on both you and i'm sure even more so your husband yeah um i think though he needs to set boundaries and i know that he he wants to and needs to be there for his family but like you mentioned um him you guys haven't like sat down

for dinner yeah um so maybe maybe like he like puts his phone like he sets his phone to because i mean yes there's like terrible things happening like your nephew getting abducted which is bananas like bonkers and like i can't fathom what that's going through but maybe his mom has like like a code word when there's like an actual emergency as opposed to like taking out the trash he has to sit down with his mom and just let her know that he can't do every little thing for her and during dinner time when you guys know that you're sitting down for dinner maybe he could just cut his phone off yeah i think if he gives his mom like hey heads up if there's an emergency like yeah code word like you can like maybe and also maybe you guys like i was gonna say like

yeah code order you get like a landline or something that it's like if there's an emergency between the hours of like i don't know like six and six p.m from six p.m on if there's like an emergency like you can call or i'm like this needs to be like something that is like an emergency emergency because like we do need to be able to spend time together you said that you guys have been together for you've been married for a year and you moved in together like six months before you got married it was something like around there so i will say i think boundaries take a really long time to create and right now he is still actively creating the boundary of moving out that was the first boundary was the physical distance and separation and he only lives five

minutes away and that's hard but like that also needs to be acknowledged like and you you acknowledge it but like that that in itself is a boundary that he's made and it takes yeah and it takes a while because it's it's it's him feeling and i'm sure he feels like all of the shit that's happened in the last year and a half i'm sure he feels a little bit which he shouldn't feel but like there might be a part of him that feels like responsible of like i should still be there and i could have avoided these things like this wouldn't have happened if i was there and so I'm I'm sure he feels like kind of a like to need to stay connected because to be fair he him leaving shit has kind of hit the fan and it is not his responsibility but it's

his family and that's who he cares about and like who he loves and if you don't come from a family with like excessive trauma or a lot of history like I'm sure it can be very hard to like understand and relate to and I think it's super valid if emotionally you can't be there for him in a way because you can't relate and like it is a lot to put on you and then that would be something to tell him of like maybe like I just am not the right person to talk to like because I don't have training and kind of like letting this go because I'm invested in you and I'm invested in your family and so I think you should talk to a professional about this kind of stuff where he can unload and they know how to help him and also process and deal with it and like set

those boundaries because they're not invested but you are invested and it's hard to set help someone set boundaries when you are also in the situation because like yeah it feels like more nuanced or whatever but um I think like having a conversation with him about I understand the shit that's happening with your family and I understand like you are you're such a good son you're such a good brother and uncle like you've been there for everybody and like you are doing so fantastic and I don't want to discredit that at all I just would love if we can come up with away that we're still able to have like our alone time. And maybe it starts with just date night once a week. Like there's just one night a week where it's like, we're going to watch a movie and

we're going to cook dinner. And this is going to be that. And like you tell the family advance far enough in advance and all of that kind of stuff. So it doesn't feel like for him, he's kind of just like without a life jacket, because like, I think he feels a lot of responsibility. And I think if it becomes i think if you can if he can set these boundaries and see and take these steps away that okay um one night a week the house won't burn down like if i take some time it won't happen but right now to be fully valid a lot of shit has happened when once when he's been gone so i can see why he feels that that urgent need to respond to everything um but you can't force anyone to create boundaries they like don't want to create but I would I would really encourage not only

like setting like a specific time for you guys to have one-on-one time like once a week just just as like a base to start I would also I would suggest couples therapy because it is affecting your relationship and couples therapy isn't always about issues that are happening with a couple it can be these like third party things that are affecting your relationship and a therapist will be able to help you help each other and we i mean as someone who's been in couple therapy like it's so much it can be a lot easier to be open and honest when a third party is in the room and a professional because you know sometimes we say the wrong thing and like we don't want to be responsible for that but like there's someone there to kind of guide those conversations and

like, help you reach a point where you're both like agreeing, or you're both understanding and like hearing each other more, especially because your marriage is so new. Yeah, I just think that like, this can be. And it's also good to know that, like, maybe this is not a boundary he wants to want, like, maybe this is like, what he's comfortable with. And it might not be what you're comfortable with. But maybe like, maybe being able to talk to someone and figure that out i think you'll save you'll both save each other a lot of a lot of time because you obviously don't want to hurt him or like say anything insensitive but you also have to prioritize like how you feel and like your own emotions through all of this with understanding what

he's going through and you i think you guys just need to communicate more and if you're not comfortable communicating with him like directly i i mean regardless i think i would i would try couples therapy to figure this out but it's fucking rough fucking fucking fucking rough oh okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back we are back from our break and it's time to hop into the rest of the colds so i met this girl at the local animal shelter that i volunteer at in my hometown After she started working, we quickly became friends, and one day she was talking to me and she brought up that she once had an audition for a very popular TV show about a few years back, and ended up getting a callback for a second audition but was too nervous and never went. I then talked her into getting another audition because it was a big opportunity and she shouldn't have passed it up.

About a month later, she tells me that she got the audition and got the part playing a main character's partner for multiple episodes in the final season. then quarantine hit and we hadn't seen each other since since march but i always texted her asking to see how she is i have also been supporting her asking questions and trying to get no to know more about her job in the entertainment world since it interested me so much i noticed that every time i brought it up i was either ghosted or the conversation would shift to a completely new topic i grew suspicious but realized that no one would really lie about a situation like this and now that the final season is finally airing, I was super excited to see her on the big screen. I hung out with her earlier today, and she informed me that she was given a separate

opportunity to work on an album with a big music artist. She explained how she pulled out of the series and decided to work with the artist instead. This further validated my theory, made me a little more suspicious, and kind of showed that it was more of a lie, but then again, I thought it was still a real possibility although a small one and no one would really make this up I guess I'm asking for advice on if I'm overthinking the situation or if the situation is as tricky as it seems she's a really fun person to be around I already have trust issues when it comes to friends and I'm not sure what to do this bitch is a liar i am so upset with you for not sending us a link to her instagram a name or anything

yeah come on like i have we both have imdb pro like i could tell you i'm just and i think it's because you know she's lying yeah this is wild here's the thing this is one of those things that like people like kids lie about do you know what i mean like this is like one of those things that like you think that people kind of grow out of this but there are some people who do just keep lying logistically um this makes no sense just like from an entertainment perspective it makes no sense there's no way anybody would give up a guest starring role on a show to go work on a potential album like that doesn't make any sense there's no crossover like if you're gonna be a guest on a couple of episodes that's two weeks three weeks at most at most but like most likely

if it's a popular show you said it's in their final season they're probably block shooting so more likely like they're gonna like to pay people less if you're on like three episodes they're gonna block shoot your three episodes in in like a three five day window over the course of like you know you do multiple episodes at a time so you can utilize those actors and pay them the least amount of money for guest stars when you're getting paid per like sag rates which is hourly um so that makes no sense that you would never need to like pass up that opportunity to do something especially if you're like an up-and-coming actor like you would not do that you just wouldn't do it also you would not not go to a callback yeah like that's a thing that like if you got

an audition for a big show especially a show that's on the air you're not getting that through like maybe you're getting it through like a central casting like or a breakdown thing but then in reality that's probably something that's actually waste like then it's a way smaller role than you're like implying it is because you would have an agent and your agent would submit you and you would send out and like they would be the ones telling you that you got a call back and then if i got a call back and i said i'm not going i'm too nervous i think my agents would knock down my door and drag me kicking and screaming imagine kindle do you what i mean yeah like there's like and i love my whole team and my team is not like aggressive or assholes or like anything like

that like but it's that's not a thing like you're not gonna pass that up you work so hard to get into the door to get an audition to then get a callback like you don't just not go that burns bridges with everybody like you it ruins your reputation you would if you passed up a callback you wouldn't be able to go back in for like to negotiate another another call but like unless there's a scheduling thing if you just like straight up or like no i'm not going that's not a thing and if it's a guest star role again like they're not they're not putting that much effort into like a specific person they're trying to cast it if like it's not if this person's not making it easy they're not banging down their door being like okay we'll let you audition again

like no especially if she doesn't have she's not like a b or even c list like like they're not going out of their way no like there are so many egos in the way that like if you piss off one casting director one time they'll never call you back for any other role ever again like there there's no she's no she's fully fully fully lying and like the dodging and everything and all of that and like i think that like it's great that you recognize that you have trust issues from friends and this is your gut like flaring up and especially when you've been like burned in the past and you're kind of jaded in any situation i'm a big fan of just like going with your gut even if that makes you paranoid or jaded or whatever like i think that's okay because it

doesn't last forever like we have those phases of being like i'm really closed off like i've been burned before and like yeah you make people fucking work for it and you like make it pretty like you you're not really open and like you you take everyone at face value like you don't you don't give people the benefit of the doubt that you don't really know and like you just take them for like if she a cool friend to talk to and hang out with like sure but like am i gonna listen to anything that she says no and is that going to affect our friendship yeah like i am going to like put up walls and that's okay like you don't have to like when you get burned you don't have to constantly be like well now i want to take down these walls those walls will come down eventually

once people earn your trust and she's proven that she can't be trusted like she just lies and like to be fair i'm gonna be honestly i think that's the most i fucking hate that like i hate when people even exact like will say something in a story and i'm like that's not what how it happened really like i get annoyed with that shit so i couldn't maintain a friendship with her but like if you can separate that and like maintain a friendship that's like completely isolated from this and like just take it as like wow look at her like lying again this is hilarious that's how i am yeah that's how i am with one of my friends that i know constantly is lying about things but they're entertaining and so therefore I know that they're lying but like they're fun to

be around and I just know that like I can't trust them with anything but I can have fun with them there's just like different and if you're like volunteering with this person at the animal shelter like they can be your animal shelter buddy but they're not going to be somebody that you want to like confide in and have like a deep relationship with as a friend imagine like it actually is not a lie and like suddenly like she's at the grammy is like she has a whole album i would die i also want to know what show it like i just need to know please please dm us because we can probably figure this out pretty quickly because i want to know who like got the role over like if we're gonna like play along with her narrative like who the role ended up going to

yeah like that i'm very curious about because that will also be very telling on like how like what the scale of her like she's lying but it's like what is the scale of her lie and what does she think she can get away with because i i know people megan knows people in both industries and we can probably track this down real quick we can track it down and if they're in la or new york dude we can track it down i actually do know someone who used to work in the city that we your your area code is from um but i yeah this is wild oh all right should we move on wow yes please please please email us dm us let us know who this person is so we can do a deep dive and we won't share it obviously no of course not but we'll get you the

the details we will hi megan hi melissa i hope you're doing very well so my issue is about the apartment that I live in I live alone in my own apartment that I bought and it's great and I actually used to live on the ground floor but now I live on the second floor um anyway so my little problem is that the couple living above me are so loud I'm not just talking like when they have sex they're loud but that's that's fine I don't mind they don't have sex that much anyway to the point um when they're just walking around it feels like my ceiling is falling down they are the loudest people I have ever encountered in my life as I said I used to live on the ground floor so I've had people like above me before and I've never heard them they never made a sound

But now that I moved up and I'm living below these new people, I'm just in awe. Like they're so loud and during the day I can live with that. It's fine. But at night, really late at night, I get really bad anxiety about it. And the worst thing is that I can't fall asleep. and if I do fall asleep then they wake me up and I'm like in shock because they're it sounds like they're throwing their furniture around or they're just like jumping around and the building is falling together like it's so uncomfortable and I just don't get any sleep and I don't know why

they're not sleeping but um I don't know what to do about it can I actually knock on their door and be like when you walk around you're being very loud is that fair for me to do so I would love some advice on this yeah that was it thank you very much and bye it's like lily yeah i was gonna say maybe we should uh call lily just like like photo friend uh oh i mean here's the thing uh i don't know if you live alone um it sounds like you do but uh i think writing a note is i mean, we're in a pandemic, I don't know where you're located. But writing a note, I think is the first step versus going up and talking to them face to face if you are alone, because that that's, that's the part of like safety kind of stuff. Like, you know, I'm a confrontational

person, you know, aggressive, all of that kind of stuff. But when you do live alone, you do have to be kind of wary and careful of, um, pissing people off who know where you live, uh, which is like a dark thing to kind of say, but I would just, I would start with like leaving a note. And like, if you want to be like a really like petty kiss ass, like leave a note. And I don't know how long you've lived there or like when they moved in or anything, but like, if it's not too weird, like leave a note and like, hi, I'm your neighbor. Like I live downstairs. Like here's a bottle of wine or like here's like some like cookies or whatever I just like you know we're in a pandemic so I can't like come and introduce myself um I uh just want to say that like I have

noticed that things like are like it is pretty loud I did used to live on like the first floor and when I lived there like I didn't really notice like a huge amount of of like an like an out of control amount of noise or find a nicer way to say that like yeah I wouldn't even amount of noise i wouldn't even go into detail like that just like leave like a ball of not cookies because then we don't they might not trust you um yeah leave a seal something sealed sealed yeah and just say something like hey like start out how you were saying but not go into the details about like when i lived on the bottom floor yeah you're right have that be this if they like dispute like oh this is just what neighbors are like but then yeah just say like i um uh it's been pretty like

noisy at night and like during the day i totally get it like we're working from home like i make noise during the day and all that stuff but it has been pretty hard to sleep like i would like if we could like make sure that like we're having like quiet hours or like past like 7 p.m or something like that like would be great so like i can actually like sleep through the night like really appreciate it welcome to the building happy to be here or whatever and then if that doesn't work then i take it to the the building manager or the landlord or whoever and complain about it like it it is pretty hard to gauge the noise you are making when you are an upstairs neighbor like if my neighbor's downstairs like not now because we're not home but like in la if they like told

us like you are being so loud i would be like oh my god i'm so sorry i had no idea but a lot of the time sometimes people are moving in they're being extra loud but there's even just like the aspects of like you don't really think about it which you should but like we have a lot of carpets in our apartment and that's like a huge reason why we're like for working out like I'm not going to do any sort of like working out that like requires any sort of like jumping or like a lot of movement anytime past like 3 p.m 4 p.m like I'm not going to do that at night like there are those kinds of things that like I'm courteous of because I've had like loud neighbors before but um they might just they might have no idea but then there are some people who are just assholes and are like i don't

give a shit if i'm gonna be noisy and loud yeah and in that case yeah yeah it's like people who own the building my um one of the people that i was directing an audio book with her upstairs neighbor was like loud but didn't realize she was being loud and since the person i was directing she of course is a narrator and it has to be quiet so she like yeah bought her she like they talked it out it wasn't a big deal they didn't realize that they were being loud and like this was because this was like an occupational thing for you it's not really but she bought her a rug to put underneath so that when she so it's not it's absorbing some of the sound so if they're decent people then they will be decent about it and if they're not then

that's when you escalate it i think oh but i mean hey power move move above them she just keeps moving yeah just say can i have the top floor thank you oh but i i'm so sorry that's infuriating and if you are still in um a country that is because i mean who is not in pretty much lockdown at this point yeah but some parts of australia are not doing so hot but yeah depending on where you are like if you are also still like working from home like isolating lockdown all of that shit that's gonna drive you insane so fast it's gonna be like the telltale heart you're like you're gonna rip your ears out yeah now it's time for don't blame them yeah so this is the part of our show where

one of our listeners calls in with their own advice and experience uh relating to a call from a previous episode so what do we have so for the original call it was from season seven episode four and it was about the girl that um wanted to give up her life and her boyfriend and to go timothy chalamet to go with timothy chalamet i'm not and i'd like to get another chalamander is the chalamander calling i do like how like that night he was the guest on snl which made it even better and we didn't even like realize it no clue all right hello megan and melissa uh i am 23 years old i'm a disgusting gemini and this is for don't blame them for the girl uh this is for season seven episode four for the girl who uh wants to fuck timothy chalamet

and so i mean i get it i'm with him but like when i was like 15 years old i like saw myself like dating Josh Hutcherson and Megan in her younger days on YouTube, she saw herself dating Nick Jonas. I'm sorry, Megan, I had to throw you under the bus there. There was even a whole

Family Guy episode I can't believe I'm bringing Family Guy to an advice, where Lois kept screaming someone else's name instead of Peter's name when they were doing the nasty. Gross. But recently, I thought, take

talk on this girl she like asked her therapist if it was normal to like have like this weird love and attraction for unattainable people like she had an unattainable crush on a celebrity and anime characters which i mean girl me too but and um her therapist says just like you guys said that it is a safe space in your head and in your head there's like no fear and all that and it's also a sign of um fear in the real world for like you are scared of being rejected you are scared of what other people think about you even like if you're in a relationship right now it can be a little bit damaging you just have to like find like a good balance into it if that makes sense and I even talked about it with my therapist and I was like do you think that has anything to do

with me uh being emotionally damaged and she was like oh my god yes it does which I was a little offended when she said that but like I mean it's true like you're just it's the same place in your head so basically you just have to like Megan and Melissa said just kind of figure yourself out uh be by yourself why do you have this and just and also just think why do you have this like obsession with timothy chalamet so yeah just i mean be by yourself for a while or as long as you need to um and also maybe just talk to someone professional to make yourself like love yourself and all that out of time thank you bye yeah i'm glad that uh he talked to his therapists about it and saw on tiktok that we like we're right i know it is it is validating

when not only tiktok says we're right but like a like tiktok therapists say we're right but like also real like therapists like in person that's really nice i also love the self-awareness that i am a disgusting love the energy throughout the whole call well do you know specific i mean not to get all astrology on you but we do we do get along with gemini okay that is a sign that we get along with who do we know IRL that's a Gemini who do I know um one of my you don't know her but one of my like childhood friends she's a Gemini okay the reaction we got from this call like a lot a lot of people it was very split like a lot of people were like I fully get it and a lot of other people were like I get it but like Timothy like that was it was a fun it was that was a

funny um thing but i do think like i think it's again like it's a very very very very very common um i just don't know if anyone has like a fully fledged like plan the way that like you know i mean yeah like can you guys help well that is it for our episode everyone we hope you enjoyed if you did leave us a cheeky little review on the apple podcast app we love to read the nice reviews it does balance out the angry anti-vaxxers racists and republicans who are upset that we are not tolerant and accepting of their bigotry so we love a good review if you want to call in for an upcoming episode or you have an update for us give us a call at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com

uh check out our patreon if you want to watch the videos or just support our show it is incredibly helpful for us because you know unlike uh call her daddy we did not get million dollar contracts i don't know who would have paid us a million dollars i would have had to pay you a million dollars you would have had to pay me because there's not really we don't have a bar stool um so if you want to help us continue to do this show we really appreciate that we have a dollar tier where you can just see all of the videos, literally a dollar a month to see every video version of the podcast, which is great for our facial expressions. And then we have a $5 tier where we do live streams twice a month. They're really fun, especially in the pandemic, being able

to just like do a zoom and it's literally like just us hanging out. And it's a really great way to like join the community and like become friends with people who are also in the community. And it's fantastic and great. And we love it. Also follow us over on Instagram. We have our own individuals which are always listed down below as well as the podcast don't blah meme pod and anything else that's it anything you want to promote uh i have two new shows that i executive produce called um one's called queer tea which is uh a queer pop culture show and then the other one is called lgbtq nation which is a queer uh news show so one's comedy one's news and they like air two days after they record it so they're very fresh get your news then get your giggles

yeah um buy my presets buy my book and you know i think that's it wear a mask stay inside and don't kill anybody bye guys Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts, edited by Katrina Henning, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.