Don't Blame Me! - S7E11: I Don’t Want My Friend To Get Married w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: Friend and his toxic ex Deleting photos with your ex Not agreeing on wanting kids Ex coming to your workplace Don't Blame Them: friend following you to college   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me you are joined by me my name is megan joined with my co-host melissa d montz hello thank you for saying my full name you're welcome i was gonna um say melissa d little monster because i did see a great um tweet about how like we went from having a monster in the white house to having a little monster because lady gaga performed i saw that too i chuckled a little bit it made me giggle um welcome to don't blame me this is an advice podcast where we give you fantastic advice and how do we know it's fantastic because we said it is now sit down and listen when you're here what we say is bible yes literally you're in our house now buckle up sweet cheeks okay okay um this

is an advice podcast and we have no credentials to give advice to be fair does anyone need credentials to give advice to me i mean we've been doing it for years so we were i mean i feel like we have some professional as in professional like ads support this show so therefore if you're getting paid by something it makes you a professional so like we are professional advice givers so how soon do we get our honorary doctorates because you know i want one i know you want one um i think we either need to do a lot of volunteer work at a university or or like donate money or i don't know if some of our listeners have like a pool maybe they can help i would all i want is to have an honorary doctorate without having my undergraduate degree

like i mean that would happen i know but i just i just think that would be very fitting for me that i would have an honorary degree because i didn't i didn't even do the real one i would love it oh but if you want to call in for an episode give us a ring a ding leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can record an audio message and then email it to us at meganpodcast at gmail.com as always got to be 18 or over have your parents permission to call and keep it under three minutes otherwise you'll be cut off write it down practice make sure everything that you need to say you can get there in that time limit and uh try not to forget any details because it's it the details are important

to us that the details that are important are important and the details that are not important are not important wow that was deep that was so deep honorary doctor here i fucking come oh i would die i would die so what's new with you how are you i'm good i mean it's been raining today it's chilly um i just like feel elated um because of the rain well like the rain the rain really wanted i wanted to stay in bed all day as you know i sent you a picture 10 minutes before we started recording like you were like my hair is still wet and i was like i haven't got out the bed yet so um and i was also still the one who was later i was here on time still yeah that was impressive yeah um but just like looking forward to the future like with my business because i just

feel like the day is coming where i only have to work 40 hours a week and that has been bringing me a lot of joy what will you do with all of that extra time like sleep i mean i only sleep like three or four hours a day so mostly sleep and maybe like watch all the television that everybody's talking about get back into my writing which i've neglected so we'll see no i'm excited for you i do think you're i think it's going to be a little bit of a shock for you though i know it's going to be you've worked so long for so like this has been your constant for so so long yeah so i i think it's gonna it's gonna be why i think it'll be liberating i think you'll have a period of like and then it will be really liberating it'll be like i don't know what to do with my time oh

like maybe just sit there and don't do anything or just someone who does that a lot yeah i can give you lots of tips thank you we start all of our episodes with an update so that's today is no different everybody it's just enough just another monday it's saturday but sometimes it's at the uh end of oh but the episode comes out on monday gotcha sorry shut up megan shut up melissa i should say um but sometimes the updates come at the end that is true that is true but um we've got our regular format this time yeah so this one is from season seven episode three let's get into it so um my original call was about my best friend who left his toxic relationship with um yeah just like not a good person and um we facetimed and

And when we FaceTimed, my best friend and I, he said that he was not in a good place at that point. And he said that he would maybe want to get back together with his ex just to, like, play around and, like, play with his feelings. Because he was just so hurt by what happened in the relationship and everything. and I know and like you mentioned that in the in the um like my first call that um my friend is definitely not the sole victim and he knows that we talked about that and I also talked about him not ending it sooner because there was like there were so many moments where they could have just ended it and they did like they had like an on off thing um but I think you just like always go back to those relationships because they they mess with you so yeah my question in the first

call was just like I don't really know like I don't really know what advice I need I just basically needed to say it all because I needed to like talk to someone who didn't know either of them and um like all my friends know them we do have an update which is not it's not I mean they're not back together so that's good his ex uh his his ex's mom was diagnosed with cancer just um just a little while ago and since my best friend's mom died of cancer he just like knew what was happening and like he knew how that must feel and so um his ex reached out to him telling him that his mom has cancer because he needed someone to watch the dog because he doesn't have he doesn't have any friends he doesn't have any friends where he lives he in general doesn't

really have a lot of friends which i think is a bit telling already when you don't have and it is really hard like I tried to be friends with him I couldn't like he's I don't know I can't even really explain it or pin down what it is that just like toxic person yeah yeah it just doesn't work my friend was like okay I'll take the dog don't worry about it that's fine how long you need me to watch him it's like about a week probably um and they did Sunday did that and um i didn't so i didn't know about that agreement until i was talking to my friend on facetime and i saw the dog and i was like what the fuck what did you do did you take the dog because they don't live that far away from each other so i'm like did did you take the dog so i like

jumped to conclusions and i was like so mad at him and i felt like i was like you can't do that you're gonna like you're gonna get in big trouble and i wouldn't let you talk and they were in the u.s right yeah yeah they are yeah when he brought the dog back to his ex so he was like okay let's just sit down like try and talk like you know civilized people do i mean he's had the dog so yeah so the dog is getting older i think she's about like around 13 maybe 14 already and um yeah so my friend was like just telling him that and that he's like a little concerned and um yeah apparently that just set off his ex and he was like going it was just insane again and he was like telling him all those things and um he should have never asked him to even

watched a dog and um why is he even doing that and um then he said like a couple hurtful things uh especially and I think I mentioned that in my first call my friend gained some weight also over like during the pandemic and just before it was just like a few very hard years for him with like losing his mom and everything and so his ex like used that against him which to me is just like fucked up like don't do that don't ever do that like and my friend at that point was like you know what just fuck you like I'm not putting up with this again and I'm gonna leave so he was about to leave and his ex just like they called a few other things like after he was already walking away he still called him a few other things like dumbass asshole and like all these

stupid things and um he he just like at that moment he turned around and he looked at him like one last time he's like I think I'm really done like I'm I think I'm really just done with you every single time I mean they didn't hang out at the start of the pandemic and this was like the first time they actually like saw each other again because of the dog um and he's like well but you didn't change you know like you could have taken this time now where you really have time for yourself to work on yourself because that's what he kept on saying like his ex was always about like oh i'm gonna change i'm gonna change and um it's gonna be all fine and i'm gonna say that are lying just to keep you around anybody that's gonna change they're not gonna

announce it to the world they're just gonna be a better person yeah and it was so he his ex um it was probably like about a month after they broke up he texted his um he texted my friend and he was like I think I want to end my life I was like okay like you're done why are you why are you telling your ex who broke up with you that you want to end your life like that you know not not great so then my friend takes it mean he's like okay he just said he wants to end his life what am i doing i'm like well i don't know talk to him if you feel like it don't if you don't but like if you really think he's in danger maybe reach out to one of his friends that you both know which he ultimately did and then um

his ex was hospitalized for a few days and afterwards he even reached out to me saying like oh I think I'm I think I have a plan about what I'm gonna do with my life I think I'm gonna um try and stay sober from now on I think alcohol is a huge issue for me and just like all those things he's like I'm gonna do therapy and I'm gonna do this and that and that I'm like okay great cool like keep up with that but he didn't of course not I don't know I understand my best friend for not wanting to engage with that anymore definitely not recommended if you're getting sober to like be in relationships especially relationships with people that you've hurt and are like actively hurting like you have to you know get get your shit together before you

can like make amends and he's just trying to like make statements as if those are making amends versus actually doing anything yeah he just wants attention that's all yeah did your friend get to take the dog forever did he take the dog no damn it this is like such a prime example of like when we say clean break cut someone off like take a fucking break and then you'll get over it like the whole thing that you've saying like since the beginning they've been on again off again both toxic for each other and then like the pandemic happened they didn't see each other for an extended period of time he like your friend Rick riled himself up was like I'm gonna see him like I'm gonna like revenge like I'm gonna be like petty petty petty and then you see that person

and you realize that because you've taken that break you're like oh I don't care anymore when you have that detachment like you need that like when you were in a toxic relationship it's impossible to see the other side until you have that break you are like you have to rid them that habit like you have to break the habit and that cycle and you need that time and that space away before you're like oh wow holy shit okay like not to relate it to like you know olivia rodrigo driver's license fucking obsessed with that song but i'm like oh my god i can't wait till you are fucking 19 20 years old and you realize that like this boy is a piece of shit but like when you're in that and you feel that like you can't and like it's it's just like a

natural thing that happens like you get in this like on again off again or like this push pull kind of thing and until you have that like space away from that you can't have that clarity and i think the pandemic is forcing a lot of people to like have that like forced space and forced time away and like we're hearing that with like people who's like friendships are like they're having friendships that are dissolving or relationships or any of that stuff yeah which like you know I think it's of there are very few positives that I think have come out of this but I think that is I think that's one that like a lot of people have been able to like it's it's forced people to take some space when they wouldn't have making that made that choice for themselves and realize like

oh shit I'm a lot better off without the second person yeah so how are you because you had asked like what should i do so how are you doing yeah how's your friendship oh it's great that's great i i did tell him i was like you do know that that call that we had where he was like oh i might like fuck around with him that upset me like that is that was bullshit like that was not cool he apologized and because at first he was like did i really say that and i'll think yeah you did well thank you so much for sharing yeah thanks for listening of course oh hot damn i'm so glad that none of my friends are like this uh i just think that she's you know a good friend but sometimes you have to distance yourself which she physically did by moving to a different

country um in order to have more perspective yeah normalize calling your friends out for doing toxic shit and that's what she did all right should we get into the first call yeah hi megan and melissa um i have a quick question for a preface i'm 25 i'm an aquarius and i just got out of a four-year relationship. It ended pretty mutually. We just kind of figured out that we weren't meant to be together. So I'm ready to move on. My question is, what is the protocol nowadays with having photos of your ex on your Instagram or Facebook? I don't really get too emotionally connected to the photos with exes. So I'm not worried about, you know, those being gone forever. But I kind of dislike the way I look in some of those photos. So I'm hesitating

to delete them. In my past breakup years ago, I didn't delete any photos. They were pretty far back already. So I kind of just started to post new up to date photos of just me. And they went into the abyss and nobody really noticed them. Nowadays, I'm pretty inconsistent with, you know, my Instagram game. So I'm worried if I don't post a bunch of new photos, if somebody looks me up, maybe a guy that I was talking to on that front page, they might see a couple photos of me with my ex. So what do you think? How does this look to potential guys I may want to connect with? And what would you do? Thanks. Bye. i have like very strong feelings about this but i think we're gonna have different

i think you don't care i don't um and i think that pictures are just like a time stamp of your life and i think that it really doesn't matter but also i never post pictures with my significant and others so i don't have so it doesn't yeah matter for me so yeah but if i saw it on somebody else's page i wouldn't care that's i mean i i i'm the i'm someone who like i rarely rarely like up i think the only person i ever posted on instagram yeah mons was the first boyfriend i ever first i think the only guy i've ever posted the only boyfriend i've ever posted on instagram i definitely did yeah um and that took like a year and some time but uh i i just think in general like if you're not attached to the photos i would

just archive them just because like i think if you're like going on dating apps and stuff like people are people have so much free time at home and they're like swiping through and all that kind of stuff like when i have friends who are like swiping through on a guy or whatever and they like get his instagram and they send it to me and like the most recent photo is or like there's a lot of recent photos with like their ex and like there's not really a lot of stuff after that like it just gives pause and i think right now there's not really dating in a pandemic is really hard and like things that give people pause like no one's really taking the time to like i don't know like where it's like a conversation you have in person where it's like oh yeah i don't

really use my instagram my ex is on here i i i think it just if you're not attached to them i would just archive the photos and then if you like in a couple months you're like you know what like i want to put these back like put them back up but i would i would just like make a test of it and like see if like how your dating apps like how that stuff is going if it goes better once those photos are if they're not there because like you can't really know if people are taking into consideration until they're not there um because i think there's like it's i think it's very split like i know people who like immediately will delete everything even if it was like a mutual breakup and like it's just because they don't they just like don't want that there but

then i know other people who also think of it kind of as like a timeline and like this is just like this was a time in my life and you don't know uh what you don't know who like what those people are and i think you'll end up with someone who also doesn't give a shit but like you don't necessarily know that right now um and i would just like test it out like it's not something that i personally like but i'm also like an insecure person which is again on me that like if i like was like talking to a guy and like i scrolled back and like i could see all the pictures of him and like his ex like girlfriend i would be like a little like this is weird but I would move past it, but it would definitely... I would be a little weirded out. But I also think

of Instagram very different than Facebook. Facebook... I'm sure Matz's pictures of his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. I've never looked. But Instagram just feels a little bit different if you're using one of those dating apps that connects to your Instagram. Because then you scroll to the bottom of the dating app and it's like your most recent photos. If it's you and a dude, sometimes people don't... But again, at the end of the day, if people who don't take the time to like ask or like say that they feel uncomfortable they're also not the right guy for you so i think whatever choice you want to make is fine i think that's fine but i would i would try it both ways for like a month or like a couple weeks and see if you're getting any different

like interactions and if like one you feel like is working better than the other and also did your ex delete pictures of you because i would then be petty like if he like archived all those pictures i would just like probably either archive or re-upload cropped because you look so good make a collage of all the ones where you look so good in it but i think it's also a good sign to see that you have like a help like you mean like that to me also shows like confidence and maturity that like you wouldn't you still have photos up with your ex and like you guys ended on good terms and like there's no hard feelings and it's totally fine like that's like a very that's like a big turn on um it's just a matter of like finding the right guy who cares enough to ask and doesn't

just assume like oh she's not over him but yeah i think it's either a good way to weed out guys who are not for you or it's how would you feel like like not you megan but call her because she's an aquarius that's what i'm curious um like how would you feel if you saw somebody else's pictures on like with their exes on their dating apps i don't think she'd care i don't think she'd care either and so i think like you probably want it yeah there's a pot for every lid and you'd probably want to be there's a pot um you'd probably want to be with somebody else that just doesn't care yeah yeah so i think it is a good way to like weed out those people but if you're also like not in the time if you're not in like the place where you like want to date date and

you just want to like flirt and talk to people if you feel like it's hindering that like then take it out for a while and then like get your flirt on and have fun and if you want to like get into another relationship eventually like put them back up and like that is kind of a good way to weed out people who aren't like that and people who aren't kind of comfortable and chill which is again fine i'm someone who's like not comfortable or chill with that and like that's i found someone like it's great like there's no right or wrong way to go about it um you just gotta you gotta find your your lid or your pot yeah both of our faces but it's not right wow all right on to the next one hi megan and melissa i am a gemini and i am 27 years old

So I have a weird question. Basically, this guy and I have known each other for about two years before anything started happening. We are both part of the same nonprofit. We both experienced a different trauma, but under the same umbrella. That's how we're the same group. But basically, he is almost 40. And things started happening with him at an event that we were at together. That was back in September. And things are still going on. And it is almost February now. But the problem is, is that since he's older, he doesn't want children um and I do and lately things have just kind of come to a head with that but I'm usually super picky and I don't like anybody and I actually like him so I know you guys are probably going to tell me that I just need to cut it off um but it's COVID and where am I going to find anybody else um so I've kind of just been killing time and keeping my feelings

out of distance um but lately I haven't been able to do that we've been having some serious talks and just trying to figure things out um so yeah just really looking for some advice and trying to figure out what the hell I should do about this because I actually do really like him and he really likes me but you know kids are just a big thing and in the beginning I thought he said he did want kids but it turns out that he was saying he was open to people having kids um not necessarily that he wanted to have kids himself because of his age um so yeah hopefully you guys give me some advice um also i'm a counselor at a school so i kind of already know what you're gonna say i just guess i need some validation or an ass kicking here um love the podcast bye

there's only two options either we tell you what you know we're going to tell you and the only other thing we can say is you should settle and don't have kids. Yeah. And just because we're in a pandemic doesn't mean that you have to settle like or be with anyone. I mean, like, for example, my friend this week was like, I met somebody I want to we're not met somebody, somebody they know they want like, to introduce me to and I was like, Are they in LA? And she's like, No, they're in Atlanta. I was like, Why am I going to waste both of our time? Yeah. Like, don't waste your time just because you're lonely you can be his friend if that's what you're just lonely and you just want to be his friend then be his friend but like why and no and don't you can wait till the

pandemic's over to find somebody i think people have this like doomsday mentality and i would i would ask your i would do an inventory of how many of your friends are single how many are in relationships because if it feels like all of your friends are in relationships or are married or anything like that like or even the people you follow on instagram like you're just seeing a lot of that i think a lot of people are treating this like the end of the world and that like shit needs to get done now like that this is this is and i'll be i'm guilty of very much being like this is gonna be forever like this is how the rest of the world like the rest of our lives are going to be but when you think about it like that that's it's so pessimistic and it's that's not true that's

not what's going to happen and then flash forward let's say like two years or something and you're like what the fuck am i doing i don't even think she would make it to two years that's what i mean like but i'm like it it's it's something that this is good on him for being honest up front that this is a deal breaker for him there was some miscommunication at the start of like that conversation but this is a deal that's this is something that he doesn't want and you never ever want to have kids with somebody who's having kids to make you happy that is does not a good parent make like no no not at all and even if you're picky it only has to work out once and this is not the one time because it's not working out like I very much agree like I hate everyone

I'm so fucking picky like I literally hate every guy I've ever dated except for Moss and but it only has to work out one time and it sucks because i think we've all been there where it is working out and like you think that this is like oh my god great and then you hit that road block and that deal breaker and you're like well shit and that's another case of it not working out not oh this is the right relationship how can i make this work it would just work like this is not and like this is not something that's fair for either of you to compromise on or appease the other one on because it either is appeasing with having a kid with a dad who like does not want him and like i don't know what your home life situation is and like if you came from like two

loving parents and like you might not be able to fathom like well once he has a kid like he will not no it's not that's not how it goes that's not how you want your relationship to be at all and also i think he has like a valid point that like he's older and he just doesn't want to be an old dad it would be different if somebody is bringing you know kids into the relationship because the kids would be older and you don't need to like convince anybody that that's like that those fears are not like that they can work around them like if he wanted kids there are lots of 40 year old dudes who have kids yeah if he wanted them he would this is this is the reason but i'm sure it's not the only reason and this is like his choice and it's not like one of those

things where it's like oh well i want him like no he'll be such a good dad and i know he would be and like the only thing holding him back is his age but like it we can do it and it'll be great and like it becomes romanticizing this narrative that he's not a part of like that's not what he's saying and just because that's my maybe how you would feel is not it's not reflective of how he feels at all but i just i cut your losses now before you're getting even more invested and spend your time you know getting back on dating apps and talking to people and messaging people and like make sure on those dating apps you're filtering for people who want kids and like have that conversation with people pretty early on and this isn't it's not like a pulp jam i mean

like it's not like there's only like one dude who wants to have kids and like it's the right the race to find him like this guy exists out there and just because you've been picky and you haven't liked any of these other people before like that's good that's why like they haven't been your person and you'll meet your person and it will they will tick all of the boxes that are important to you and the deal breakers you guys will be on the same page with all of that stuff it's not as complicated as people make it out to seem like relationships are hard but the fundamentals of relationships should not be hard like the more your moral stances like any of those deal breaker things like those are not things you should lose sleep over at all with a partner like the day-to-day

kind of stuff you get on each other's nerves you fight about things like communication like there are certain things that like happen the day-to-day of relationship like the base fundamentals of what you both want if they're not the same there's like it's just going to show up in every other aspect of your relationship right because you're just different people cut your losses yeah and also as a school counselor i feel like you of all people should know that trauma bonding with someone is not the way to start a relationship she knows she knows that's why she included it i'm like you know that's like you need like come on no we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back okay we are back from our break and let's get into the rest of the calls hey girly

i am a 23 year old sagittarius my friend in this story is 21 as a gemini and she's dating a 20 year old who's a cancer um okay so my friend has always been the type of person to just jump from one relationship to another and whoever she's dating she just completely falls head over heels in love with them and believes that she's going to marry them be with them forever which is normal I guess um everyone does but her boyfriend texted me the other day saying he's planning on proposing to her I genuinely think that they're rushing into something that doesn't need to happen yet um I really do think that they're making a mistake I just think that's It's a really bad idea.

I want to mention that I obviously am jealous. I acknowledge that I'm jealous. I'm in a long-term relationship, and we aren't planning on getting engaged until we're more financially stable. Currently, my friend does not have a job, and her boyfriend is finishing his senior year of college. I know there's really nothing I can do in this situation that should just be quiet and supportive because it's my friend. But something about this just doesn't seem right to me. Any advice is welcome. Feel free to rip into me.

I know I'm probably being a jealous bitch. but i feel like i have to protect my friends because i genuinely think this is a mistake okay love you guys been here since day one you guys are the bomb later all of those nice things i can forgive you for saying girly at the start twice i just feel like i just feel like you're trying to recruit me for a pyramid scheme when you call me girly hey girly like it's so kind like and i know you don't mean it this way like you said it in a very earnest way but i've i've never if i've ever called any anyone girly if you're listening it's been condescending like i'm not being i can't even see that coming out of your

mouth that's what i mean like i think i've only ever done it when someone's messaged me saying like hey girly like just want to let you know that like republicans are really great people and like trump supporters have like wonderful morals and then i go hey girly shut the fuck up you lying piece of shit like that's the only time i can see myself saying hey girly gotcha here's the thing I think it's great and like so like self-aware of you to recognize that you're jealous and like you and your boyfriend are like the thing is you and your boyfriend are like oh we want to wait till we're financially stable and like the circumstance which you've described your friend and her boyfriend um it seems quite similar to the situation of you and your boy like

it doesn't seem like they're crazy financially stable or they have all this other stuff so I can see how that feels frustrating um because you wouldn't make that choice but that's not everybody's choice i mean like people get married who have no money and get engaged with no money like that's very that's very very okay it just depends on people's priorities and like what they want um and i think you're just jealous because like what's wrong with this dude i think one part of it is though that she said at the beginning of the call that everybody that her friend meets she's head over heels in love with them from the jump i think that's the biggest problem but now we know how long they've been dating

uh she didn't really say but i think that's the problem and then this guy somebody seems like he's the same type of person so maybe they're a match made in heaven maybe it is too soon but that's not for you to judge yeah and i she said they're cancer and gemini which if the if her friend is a her friend's a gemini yeah she's dating a cancer this is very gemini behavior um i mean it's also like you know we don't believe in we're not diehard i'm not a diehard astrology believer but like sometimes it is oh i am i am yeah leave that in the reviews it's melissa melissa loves astrology she's obsessed um but uh it it can be hard to like try and protect your friend from their mistakes but like some some like that's just also kind of

how some people are and like there doesn't have to be anything wrong with that if they don't see anything wrong with that like that's just some people are people who like fall hard fast and quick and like while someone on the outside who's not in that relationship and that's not how you behave not how I behave that's something that like I would be like oh I would want to change it about myself but like your friend doesn't necessarily want to like people can be okay and comfortable with those traits that like we wouldn't we wouldn't be cool with and something that we would really want to stray away from but like you said like you can't stop like she has to figure this kind of stuff out on her own and it might work out it might not but I think the feelings

are rooted in in jealousy i think a bit and then i think also you think that it's they're they're being stupid with their choices because it's not the choices that you and your boyfriend have decided to make like because you're being like oh well financially and all of this kind of stuff that it feels like everybody else should be kind of thinking that way too and it's hard when a close friend isn't doing what you would want them to do to silent and maybe she's not even ready to get married yeah maybe she's like oh fuck no that's way too soon like i don't want to do that blah blah blah um and also they can be engaged for a long time but like why does he i'm i'm curious how long they've been dating because if if he's trying to do this like so fast and you feel like

it's so rushed is he going into the army and if you're gonna set fire to a relationship you you you got to be prepared for what the backlash might be have fun being a bridesmaid should we go on to the next yeah hi megan and melissa um i have a problem with an ex so he's in the military but he came back for like a month he's like still here and i haven't seen him but he's been causing like a lot of issues in my life when we were dating he was like really manipulative and like emotionally abusive so what happened is that he started causing trouble with my boyfriend and his friends at first and they were like all mad at us for like absolutely no reason and they started targeting me and calling me like a whore and that I'm useless and then

since my ex is friends with my old friends that I cut off he got them because my boyfriend was saying that he was going to beat my ex up which was totally dumb but he got them to um start talking to my boyfriend and for some reason it wasn't even about like him saying that stuff it was about me and how it was crazy and toxic and like they were telling him all this stuff like while I was like sitting right next to him so I could hear everything that they were saying and I wouldn't say that and they said the reason why I was toxic is because I was like i talked crap about my boyfriend which is not true i tell him exactly like what happened that he was manipulated manipulative and that he cheated on me emotionally abusive and all this

stuff so it was just crazy and i thought it was going to be all over because all that happened in one weekend but it wasn't over because then my ex started showing up to my work like multiple times and he knew I was there because I would see him looking at me and I would not say anything and I thought it was so creepy and he said he was there to like see my friend but like he would always show up and the last time he actually like tried to talk to me and I was like no I'm not dealing with this and he also started trying to fuck all of my new friends so that's great he actually succeeded with one of them but any advice how to deal with this would be great because it's crazy and I just want him to leave so thanks love the podcast

I mean we all know how I feel about this genre in itself um god what a fucking piece of like a bored piece of shit like first of all like to address your like him trying to fuck your friends thing if your friends are those are not your friends and like just like you don't have to try and if your friends know the situation know this is your toxic ex to be fair regardless if it was like toxic or he cheated on you or anything like that um i'm not gonna fuck any of my friends exes and any of your friends who like need a reason not to fuck your ex or not your friends like you don't need to like convince them not to like yeah and it sounds like you you went through like you've gone through a group of friends which it's really hurtful when like you go through a lot

of shit and then people take the side of the person who like caused you so much harm but you don't need to settle for like shitty friends at all um up until the point when you were saying that he showed up at your work i was like you just need to block his number and like you and your boyfriend she did not answer anything that he does but like this is like a different level yeah and he might have like emotionally manipulated her friends too like we already know that he's a manipulator no that's i mean i'm just curious because if it's you your old friend group was all friends with him in this new friend group do they know him like have they heard of him like how did he find them also we're in a pandemic um yeah how does he

know that you're they're your friends yeah i'm curious about that but here's the thing like people like this want attention and they want a reaction out of you so like your gut instinct of just like not acknowledging him is spot on that's exactly what you should do is like just not don't engage if he fucks one of your friends you just don't like there's no blow up there's no any of that stuff like it's just like fucking ignore all of that because he'll eventually get bored but if you are if you're if you're worried about like your physical safety and your day like and you feel physically in danger that's a different story and then that's when you in general i think you should let your boss know or your manager whoever you work with say hey i

have like a horribly manipulative awful ex-boyfriend who's been showing up here all the time um and i just like don't feel really comfortable so like if like at the end of the workday if you could like walk me to my car or if you have to like go out anywhere where he would be like just so somebody knows um in that and that also so it's not so isolating and but if he like is the thing with i don't know what state you're in but a lot of times restraining orders uh is multiple times and they have to be like on your like threatening physical harm which is like a huge issue because most of the time people who are like abusive or whatever uh just their presence is hard is a threat and like you know that but like they need to like explicitly say that they're

going to hurt you but depends on what state you're in um but if you are like worried for your safety i would i mean i would cut off anybody who has any access to him like make sure that he's blocked on all your socials as well as like your boyfriends and stuff so he's not seeing where you are or any of that and then I would also like file a police report about it and like let your manager know and if you're at a place where you can like switch if you're at like a job that has like multiple branches or locations if you can like switch that or anything but I think if you don't give him any attention I think eventually he will get bored and he'll move on to somebody else because people who are this emote like manipulative and toxic like this is who they are and they feed

off of that power and control and if he doesn't have that power and control over you he's gonna move on to someone who he will have power and control over yeah and also like if he's in the military isn't he gonna leave at some point too you would like active military doesn't he have to get married or something like sorry but we don't want that on no not at all but like that's the thing that like when you hear of lots of like the stereotype of like toxic military dudes who like cheat on their like people it's like oh I'm getting I want to get married for the benefits and x y and z and then I'm going to treat them like shit so you would think that he would move on to get some benefits yeah this is awful this is terrible yeah I think like

as like focus on your relationship with you and your boyfriend like if he feels confident and comfortable in your relationship and he's like not like worried and they're not getting into his head i think it's also like important usually to admit in relationships that like are toxic that toxic when you are in a toxic relationship inevitably you will also take on some toxic traits because that's what gaslighting does like that's they that's why like people gaslight you into like making you think that you're crazy and so then you start accusing them of doing stuff that they're accusing you of doing something that they're actually doing and then then you start getting paranoid and you start a cute and it's a whole cycle so like if if there are things that

like you're not necessarily like proud of or like you're like yeah that was not like a great choice like i think as long as you're honest with your like boyfriend that you're like yeah this relationship was awful he was horrible to me and like i didn't yeah like i i it definitely got it on like in my head and like there are things that i'm not proud of but like in the context of all of this like you've seen that that's not our relationship so as long as he feels comforted in like you guys are solid then you just have to worry about like your own physical safety and then you just don't give him any attention because again he eventually will move on to someone who he can have power and control over and right now he's trying to assert and like he's floundering like he can't get the

power and control over you so then he goes to your boyfriend tries to take that away from you that doesn't work then goes to your friends tries to take that away from you and like goes to your work he's gonna run out of things like he's like right now as you can see he's already going through that list i'm a piece of shit not a piece of fucking shit god get a fucking hobby don't blame them time this is where uh we have one of our callers who has advice that pertains to a previous um episode no one of our listeners has advice for one of our callers from a previous episode wow that was like actually a great way to phrase it and i've never done it like that we've been doing this for fucking years god damn it uh so um the original call was in season

seven episode six and the original caller um was going off to college and her best friend was like trying to go to the same college as her and the girl wants a clean break so here's somebody sharing their experience hi i was calling in for a um don't blame them for the call on the most recent episode about um the friend that is following you to college or thinking about going to the same college you want to be roommates um and i actually when i was looking at my i just graduated from college last year um and when i was looking for colleges i specifically looked for colleges that didn't have people from our high school going to them because I really wanted that growth opportunity and the chance to be independent. And I don't think that there's

anything wrong with that. And so it sounds like for this caller that there's just a difference in expectations of what you both want out of college. And it sounds like the caller is really wanting an independent, growing opportunity, the chance to meet new people. And I think that framing it as that to your friend that wants to room with you and wants to do all these things with you, is a way that could potentially prevent hurt feelings by just saying, I think we want different things out of the college experience overall, and I want to go and meet new people, and I want to go have all these new opportunities, and you're more than

welcome to come to the same college as me. However, I don't want to be kind of chained to you because I want this opportunity to be independent and kind of prove myself as responsible. And I think that prevents it from being more of a, like, I don't want to room with you because I don't like who you are type of thing. Or I'm worried about how we would work in a roommate dynamic. So I think that framing it that way might be helpful. And good for you. Good for you for wanting to be independent and go to a college where you don't know anybody. It was the best thing I ever did. I do not regret it at all. And so I wish you the best of luck. And I hope that this little piece of perspective is helpful bye there's two different kinds of people who like

want two different kinds of college experiences well that's it for our episode we hope you enjoyed if you want to leave us a review on the apple podcast app we always appreciate it we also appreciate when you follow us um online not in person social distance we don't even try to come near us you don't even know where we are um both of our socials are always listed down below and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com same goes for anyone who has updates and if you want to watch the video version of the podcast we are on patreon it's one dollar a month that's it only a dollar and if you want to really support our

show which we appreciate so much five dollars a month uh we do two zoom like live streams which is a really fun time hanging out it's a great way to like be a part of the community and also support our show and um speaking of community our facebook group is open if you would like to join please join i um if you don't know the answers stop applying if you can't answer one of the questions don't apply don't say i don't know but i really love the podcast not how it works doesn't get your points don't send us dms we do get messages from people who uh one of the requirements is you need to have like some so public socials and i do understand that some people are in like professions where that's like not something that they can do the thing that the

issue is with that like i don't want to be like sorry you can't join the group but the issue is we can't verify your identity. And so when you're like, Oh, well, I'll send you this other thing. Like we, I need to know what your pictures are. I need to see that these are the same people in these pictures needs to like, like cross-reference that kind of stuff. And like, we do, we essentially do background checks on everyone who joins because we need to make sure that the group is like a safe place for people because people are very personal,

very vulnerable and open with a lot of things that they're actively going through in their life that like, we can't have people tracing them. we also have like people like a list of names of whether it's like family members or previous partners, like abusive kind of where we have to make sure that you're not one of those people posing as somebody else. And so if you can't have a public profile, I would just say on apply on a Monday or something or over a weekend or on one day and say, I'm going to leave my social and write in your description, I'm leaving my socials public for one day and then I'm going to private them and then I see if I see that and they're private again I'll message you and be like open

them back up so I can see and this kind of stuff but it's I understand not having like a consistently public open social media profiles for everything but um we can't verify and it's to protect everybody in the group including you yeah exactly and so like you're protecting yourself and like not having public profiles but like we need to have we need to have that and that's yeah that's And like we have like extenuating circumstances of like people who don't have like we require you have like profile pictures and all of that stuff like on like we've had like conversation public conversations with a couple of members who don't just because they're like you could they posted their tagged photos and they've shown this kind of stuff or whatever. But like there's like extenuating circumstances that we have a group of collective agreed like, OK, this is something that we're OK with, but we're not OK with not having not verifying the people who are in the group. um so and once you join you will see because like it's a wonderful lovely place everybody's great like it's fantastic um and also if you get kicked out of a group because you are inactive and you

immediately reapply i will actually block you because all that to me says that you will just lurk and you have never liked commented fucking hearted a single goddamn thing but the day that i I delete I remove you from the group you reapply again you're checking on this you immediately saw that you weren't in the group meaning that you always come back and that you are active on Facebook but not in the group yep I don't know how much clearer we can make this oh and I can't with your the last thing I'll say on the public profiles do not send me your baby if there's no fucking pictures of you your dog or your business account again like i just think of it as like reverse catfish like we have to verify all of this information so um that's pretty much it

okay we will um see you guys next time bye goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso