Don't Blame Me! - S7E12: I Really Like Her w/ Mats

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

Welcome to our Valentine's Day Special with my boyfriend Mats!   This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: Weird gifts on the doorstep How to ask someone's pronouns How to deal with crying for no reason Boyfriend not being physically affectionate   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me happy valentine's day episode is this going up on valentine's day it's the day after because valentine's day is on sunday oh yeah yeah i should have just looked at the calendar happy day after valentine's day melissa's birthday eve oh my god yeah dude the any time between because i have you one of my other friends's birthday is like right around this time like the same time that all i know is that like i am on high alert for like just like two weeks of february and i'm like it's it's there's birthday valentine's day birthday birthday birthday so shout out to all the aquarius sized aquaria aquaria aquaria is it is it fun to have your birthday like near valentine's day

as a holiday i keep it all separate okay because yeah i always i always feel like kind of bad who for people whose birthday is like the 26th of december yeah you know yeah uh three of my nieces and nephews have birthdays no four have birthdays around there and we have to celebrate each one separately yeah well i guess i should introduce all the voices you're hearing hi i'm megan i'm joined by my co-host melissa and um for our valentine's day special also joined by my boyfriend motz hello so if you want to watch this episode you can see the magnificent quarantine flow he is going on i am obsessed with it i love it i just i love it so yeah i guess i'll give a spiel on the what this is this is an advice show um you call us leave us voicemails then we give you

miraculous fantastic sometimes life-altering and life-changing advice so we've learned so yes um what we lack in credentials and any sort of certification we make up for in opinions we have lots of them and if you would like to leave us a voicemail for an upcoming episode you can call us and leave the voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast.gmail.com we ask that you keep your voicemail under three minutes long and that you write it down so you can plan it out you can practice see how long it is make sure you're not missing any key information and that you also are 18 or over have your parents permission and don't forget to leave your age in the voicemail as well as your pronouns

and yeah any any anything new what's new with you melissa nothing at all there's nothing going on okay what about motts you're you're i mean this is this is your third or fourth time i think it's my fourth time really yeah I think so maybe third either either one of those so I'm an old hand how you doing I'm good I'm a little tired it was kind of I mean to all your working listeners out there uh definitely was a kind of a rough and long week at work so I'm a little uh uh a little flat but i'm gonna try and you know get get some energy from the calls i also have a song from my nephew's one of his little toys like stuck in my head which one ready to ride grab the car let's go we don't have the rigs no i'm not even thinking the one

the one that goes we're on our way ready for that adventure no yeah is that it yeah because it starts slow it's like we're on our way and it's because he's in his play his like little play area while i'm working so like the past got like 60 days at this point like every every like afternoon i get d d d so that's where i'm at i'm a little fried he's gonna be like a future podcast listener though because he uses his musical toys like podcasts where he just puts them on in the background and then goes and does something else and i was like you're listening to it like a podcast i'm so proud of you it's pretty fucking cute yeah but um he is a cutie i wish i could hide that toy though me you can too so we start all of our episodes with an update so one of our

callers who has been on another episode we gave advice they call us and we talk to them and we chat with them and they give us an update on what's all happening with their previous call and we did it without you i apologize that's okay i'll just listen hi so i'm from episode nine season seven I was the one that had the weird gift um left on my door um so it was the three gifts the crystal and then the two relationship books yeah and so basically I told my landlord and then he was like the CCTVs were down and me and my brain I like listen to you guys in the murder podcast and like that so I was like I'm gonna get killed I like have the same reaction that you guys ever, I was like, somebody is watching me. This is weird. So kind of what

happened from that is I've been trying to contact my landlord. So originally I told him the day it happened. And then I didn't get an update from him for two days. And I was like hounding his emails and calling him nonstop and just being like, hello, what happened? And originally I had asked him not to tell any of the other tenants because there's only eight units in my building so I'm on one of those like old school 1920s apartments so and at the time two of the units were empty so there's only like six units that were being lived in at the time and everyone else is much older than me maybe in their 30s to 40s and are all in couples besides one guy who's like a director that has his girlfriend over all the time but she doesn't live here and then the guy

that lives above me who was in a relationship but they broke up a while ago so I'm like the only single one here and I'm like the only single girl that lives here so I initially asked to not have anything be told to the other tenants because in my initial thought was if it's not for me like you know that's fine but I don't want to like accuse anybody else or like make anyone else feel uncomfortable so I asked him not to say anything and then he was like by the way I emailed everyone and asked them and nobody replied so you can just throw them away and I was like okay that's exactly not what I asked you to do but all right and so I've just been asking him if like the cameras have been updated he hasn't said anything and my lease isn't up until April because I moved

in here right before everything shut down so like that week everything shut down that's when I moved in here so moving during the pandemic was like awful and I moved from a studio into this one bedroom so now I have so much more stuff yeah like moving was just like hell on earth and I am immune compromised so I don't I've been looking at apartments over video calls and stuff but I also have a dog and a cat and so finding I mean you guys know you live in LA it's like hell on earth to find an apartment that you like that's like affordable where pets are allowed and like feels safe yeah and I thought this building was safe because I mean there's cameras all over the place and I was told when I moved in that they all worked and there's codes on all the doors

so how somebody like got in and put them there yeah like doesn't make sense to me unless it was one of my neighbors which is even weirder so like I just kind of don't really like know what to do at this point and I don't really want to spend like all the money that it takes to move during yeah so I mean in LA like after a year it goes month by month so I didn't have time yeah yeah So I've been thinking of like maybe staying here and just like waiting it out. I haven't gotten anything else and like nothing abnormally weird has happened. Like I feel like I'm extra paranoid now. And every time somebody walks by, I mean, I'm on the ground floor.

So whenever somebody walks by, I can like make eye contact with them. Yeah. So it's like, are people just being nosy and like looking in windows? Because when I go on the walk, I do that too. Like you're just walking, you're like, oh, that's a cute apartment. So I'm just like extra paranoid. But yeah, I mean, really not much else has happened besides me trying to like fight with my landlord.

Have you thought about getting like a ring, like a camera for you outside of your door? Yeah. I mean, it's hard because this building, like it's everything is painted over so many times. So it's like, oh, I know. Yeah. It's like a 1920s door. So it's like all uneven and weird. And so my dad was saying that I should get one.

and I've been looking they're just like so expensive and I just like so I'm gonna probably order one but it's just like I haven't done it yet because I just like I don't know I've worked like non-stop like I work seven days a week so like I'm working right now I took a break from work so I'm just like straight up though if you give us your Venmo I will I will post it in the Facebook group people can know because like that's like no I'm not kidding like I I'll I'll fucking send you my like it's something that like i i completely get like not wanting to move at all and like even if like but like i like hope more than anything that like melissa was right from the original call that like it was meant for somebody else but like peace of mind like just

peace of mind to know that like so like because i completely get the fact that you're like ground floor is already like that's already has like increased like anxieties and that stuff but like then just wondering every time someone walks by your door like that has like yeah that there is that kind of like response and that feeling I think it'll probably just give you some peace of mind to like know like you have that camera up and you like look and see and that nobody is ever lingering or anything or looking like that and then it's like okay it was probably for somebody else and that could be it and they have the ring too where you can like clip it on the door as opposed to like screwing because i know that you're saying it was on tiktok yeah

i think that would make sense have you seen any of your neighbors has like anyone been like have you had like has anyone been weirder like or has it just been relatively the same everyone else that lives here besides so the guy above me a little weird but i don't want to like be like it's him but like you know there's a possibility that it could be yeah do you listen to my favorite murder fuck politeness politeness literally so I mean I don't talk to him at all like he's always given me like kind of weird vibes but it's that kind of thing where it's just like I'm like maybe it's just like an old older guy and I just like I don't know like I don't really talk to anyone in the building because they're all couples or like older than me the guy in the front that like has the

girlfriend he's like a director and he's like really nice and like him and I have had passing conversations like with his dog but his girlfriend's over all the time so like i don't think it was him the only person in my building like i think maybe it was is the guy above me which is like weird and i thought it was for him from his ex-girlfriend which could have been possible but i just don't know so the drawing because there was a drawing did it look like you or resemble yours so it's like i mean they were like cartoony drawings and like to be honest like they just look like cartoon drawings like they don't really look like anybody that I know or like anyone in the building the girl did have like dark hair

like it was drawn I was just gonna ask that yeah did it have things it was like curl I mean I have naturally curly hair like kind of like yours Megan so it was like curly hair but I don't wear my hair curly super often only like at home so like it could have been I don't know that's it's just like I just don't know so I mean this limbo I'm gonna say I I would say for you someone made you incredibly uncomfortable which is fucked up and it is not your responsibility to not make other people feel uncomfortable being like cautious and not necessarily like because like there's nothing necessarily to like accuse this guy of or because there's nothing nothing to do right now do what I mean like it's not like if he's like was still doing something or anything

like that but like having your guard up and being like i think it was probably this guy and like just like and knowing that and exactly operating like it's him being accused of dropping a like a letter being accused of making a girl on or anyone uncomfortable is nowhere near comparable as making someone uncomfortable it's like the same thing when people are like oh my god like you're gonna like jump and accuse someone of like sexual misconduct or whatever and i was like so you're gonna defend a hypothetical person before like like no like there is like the i don't want to say victim but the person who's been affected in this situation like yeah that that is going to be far greater than being accused um of that so like i think operate that he was like the one who did

it and if you feel comfortable like the uh director who lives there or if you've like had a conversation with like his girlfriend or like anyone else in your building because it doesn't seem like your landlord like i would tell you like if you don't feel comfortable telling your landlord like i think it was probably this dude um if you tell someone else in your building being like hey I just want to like give you a heads up like I have this weird fucking thing happen and um I like I'm not 100% sure but I do think it is like the guy like I think it's the guy upstairs and I'm not I'm not telling you to like have you do anything I just like need to tell someone else in this building just because like I would feel really comfortable if you knew that and just like if you see anything

or anything like please give me like a text or a call and I'd love to get your number if something were to happen to like have someone in the building that I can contact because I've tried to contact the landlord and like it hasn't been timely and just essentially kind of like create that create not necessarily even like a friendship but like now there is this weird thing with someone who unless again we're operating that it's this guy that there's this weird thing with someone in the building that like now you need someone in this building who is like a comfort and someone who you can like feel like you could reach out to doesn't have to be like a close like you don't be close friends or anything but someone in the building who is looking out for you and

then also it's operating on the same page as you with this and looking out for it because no for sure I mean when I first initially like when it happened I like told um my like property manager slash like landlord guy that I thought that it might have been him and it's like Damon was like oh well he is like kind of odd but like he does like nice stuff like that all the time and i'm like nice i think if you can get a camera and have like a comrade an ally in the building who is kind of like also like on the lookout for if this guy does any like sort of weird shit again and then if you are able to have that like you know on video if you get like one of those cameras and all of that stuff it's grounds to get that guy kicked out of the apartment which yeah is

yeah and who knows and maybe he is like maybe he is just like and more like more than likely he's probably just like a weird dude isn't like great at reading social cues thought this was like a nice sweet thing to do you didn't respond and then as maybe maybe it's like okay she's like not interested and like is never gonna do anything ever again but like i think for your own peace of mind to like move like to like be able to like feel comfortable and like safe in your apartment and like yeah it's still like such a home and yeah i'm so sorry that's like so fucking sucky and yeah but thank you for giving us an update and calling us to begin with and any time and we are back um should we get into the rest of the calls let's do it hey megan melissa um big fan so i just

wanted to get your guys's advice on what i should do about asking somebody their pronouns in a workplace setting um the person i work with just got hired they're more feminine looking but they're they have a masculine name so i don't know if they want to go by he she her they them um and i don't know if it's appropriate to ask in like a corporate setting um just my background i was raised very conservative and i'm really trying very hard to have more uh just accepting viewpoints in general um so this is the first time i've ever had to come across a situation where i needed to ask somebody their pronouns i just wanted to know what like the proper way of going about that would be do i just straight up ask hey what's your pronouns or is that like not cool in a corporate setting

uh that's it thanks guys i don't know you could you just take a page out of my boss's book and call him buddy champ pal no i mean i think asking someone's pronouns is not an offensive thing at all and i think the idea that like it makes sense that you're saying that you grew up with that kind of more conservative views because that again is somewhat perceived as like a provocative or like inappropriate kind of thing when it's it's not we assume people's pronouns all of the time i think the best way to go about it is just be like if you have introduced yourself and you already have like talked to this person um and just saying hey i also never realized that i shared my pronouns with you like my pronouns are she her what what are your pronouns and that's

it's that's the way to do it point blank is not is offering yours first to show hey this is like I'm offering this first would love to know what yours are as well and then from there like if that's not a conversation that they've had with other co-workers I think if any other co-worker who's referring to them by wrong pronouns speak hey I had a conversation with them they um their pronouns are actually this this from every person I've talked to who who is not like cis and who has had these conversations with people it's always been like oh my god I am so I feel so comfortable and like it feels fucking great when you ask me like thank you like that's it's it's a great feeling it's not necessarily awful but also I'm not a part of that community so I can't like

speak as a whole for it at all but yeah and I think in general Melissa and I we've had so many conversations about this that like my go-to if I don't know if I look in someone's bio if it's on social media first and then usually i'm referring people as they them because i i don't know and like because someone is like more female or male presenting has like nothing to do with their pronouns and so in general take that conversation and start that conversation with here am i what are yours um and then moving forward using not like don't not using gendered pronouns for people unless you know their pronouns one thing you can also do is maybe if you don't know and well you don't know and making them feel comfortable is like in your email signature

put yours there too and that can inspire everyone else that works with you to also do the same thing that's a great call and like maybe even talking to hr being like hey i think it'd be a great thing if we implement in company-wide that we all add our pronouns to our email signature if we can do that because then moving forward new hires too and just making sure that everybody feels comfortable and is able to be them not only be themselves but also have other people reckon like wrecking and like not misgender them and recognize them for who they are so but yeah but i mean great on you for calling also like not to i'm not like saying this to be an asshole like love that you called in for this but there are like this is a conversation for like

a lot of like cis hetero people that is I don't want to say confusing but is like it's very new and it's something that doesn't necessarily like if you're also surrounded by a lot of cis hetero people not something you come across a lot but there are so many wonderful like people who've written so many great articles and all that stuff like online like there is so much even like reddit like I was like broke because I there was something like grammatically I was trying to I'm not great at grammar and grammatically I was trying to make sure I was using the right non-binary pronoun for like the grammar that i was using and someone had corrected me and then like i found this whole thread on reddit about all of this stuff and it's people are very um there are

lots of people who are like really want to educate people and like are with all of that kind of stuff and it's also great especially if the person who you work with isn't necessarily wanting to have those long conversations and educate people on that there are people who do that and to check online reddit's a great place we love reddit mostly for the stonks though love a good stonk i also love trolling people in a good way i love bachelor reddit um i wish i had a more like personal anecdote to provide but i think because i don't that kind of goes to show you that it's not really something that people consider in a lot of workplaces even when they should so I think like Melissa's suggestion about the email signatures or Megan's suggestion about like

you know bringing it up in a HR meeting or um if I don't know if your company I've been a lot of companies where they kind of have these like you know like task force meetings or whatever where like people force yeah that's kind of what it feels like um where people like come from like across departments to like try and solve problems and things like that and that sounds like a good thing that you could bring up in one of those if those exist at your company if they don't there's a good way to like do something positive at your company hi megan and melissa so i am 19 years old from the UK I'm currently my second year of university and for a bit of background I am a Pisces as is very obvious in my dilemma I'm quite emotional um so when I started university

back in September 2019 I met this guy who is four years older than me and he was in his final year we went on a few dates and got along very well but he said very early on that he didn't want anything serious and basically wanted exclusive rented benefits which is understandable as he's graduating that year and didn't want any kind of ties um but this really freaked me out as I've never been in a relationship before never date anyone before or had sex so I just had a little bit of time to think and to know if that is what I wanted um but what followed was months and months and months of back and forth on and off a lot of tears and mainly me being overdramatic um i never did sleep with him as i knew it would make the situation complicated but we did spend

a lot of time with each other and say that each other's quite a bit but he never pressured me and always made me feel safe and comfortable anyway with covid and everything uni got cut short and i ended up going home in march time for lockdown um but we never spoke or messaged after that because things fizzled out in February. Flash forward to December 2020 and he graduated and has a job and is living about 20 minutes from my step family who I visit and go and stay with regularly. He messaged me to see if I would be around over Christmas but we never met up because of Covid restrictions and I was spending time with my family but we did end up messaging quite a bit for a few weeks which brought up a lot of old feelings for me and I realized that I really did

have feelings for him and I never got over him over all this time um we had a very long phone call the other night in which I just word vomited to him about how I felt we just reassessed the situation and came to the conclusion that we both still want very different things but that if we did change our minds we're always there um now I still can't stop thinking about it even though we're kind of got closure and all that um I don't know whether to risk just going for casual and see if that would help or if it would make things worse or just try moving on um but it's still on my mind and I can't I don't know what to do about it so any advice or insight would be great thank you see this is this is a lot harder now because the thing I would say you should do is harder to

do in like our current reality because everyone's movements are restricted and and you know your social life is for a lot of people their social life has essentially been entirely like moved online so yeah like normally what i would say is like and i think i've said i may have like said something similar to this like on the last time i was on which is sort of like the um it in my opinion it's not good to kind of like hang on to like university relationships or like a relationship with someone that you had who may be older than you and has graduated because even that like short span of time, like your lifestyle changes so dramatically that I kind of think it's, I don't want to say you're wasting your time, but you know, you're kind of like

shutting yourself off from, you know, other experiences that you could have while you're still at school or if like you're the one that's graduated um but you know the best way to get over that in my opinion is usually going out and meeting new people and you can't go out and meet new people right now so this one's a little trickier than it would be it would have been you know like um a year and a half ago i just need to say the accent paired with i want to watch this rom-com like i just like it just feels like your accent is beautiful i could listen to you read audiobooks forever but i mean i think the thing is that sucks there there's something cool i just want uni oh that's what i was gonna say as opposed to college college no i got a college

like it's just so like what a beautiful accent um but the whole thing is is that like you are in the process of getting over him then he came back into your life and now you have to start all over again and i think like a part of it is just managing your expectations where you kind of have to treat this like regardless of like the caveat like the the i think it's great that he's been very communicative and was like hey i am not like looking for like he's not looking for relationship like x y and z and all of that kind of stuff just because someone says any of those things doesn't and like we hear them and we agree with them doesn't necessarily mean that we stop ourselves from like falling for them or really liking them.

And so I think that like, you need to treat this like your ex got back into town and now you're starting from scratch of like getting back over him in that. And so like, I do not think the solution is being casual with him because what he can give you is not what you want. And it's not going to,

you're not going to suddenly then be casual and be like, oh, okay, now I'm great with this. Like my feelings are all gone. Like this is easy. so i say as we usually do cut them off completely and then while you can't hang out with other people in person get your ass on all of the dating apps and just talk to people like fill your like text with that like message and like all of that kind of stuff if that's a good distraction for you um because i think especially because you have never really had a relationship before and this

was all very like that it becomes this is the only thing you have to compare it to and so you just need to have those when you miss talking to like a guy that you like have someone that you meet through a dating app that you can message that you like like or something like that where it can fill that kind of thing because you otherwise you're going to when you miss you miss him versus missing those feelings and you need to take take away realize not realize but like once you have more experiences with other people and just talking to people those feelings don't become specific to that person which was something that i had to deal with after my first boyfriend i was like oh my god i miss you i miss you i miss you and finally like no i just miss

being in a relationship and dating but like you're the only person who i had that with so therefore i missed you yeah i agree the reason why you're still hung up on him is because he's the only guy that you've really spent time with and you guys even though he said he didn't want a relationship you were essentially dating, you're staying the night over at his place. And then also being in isolation away from people that could potentially be who you're dating. It also hampers with that. So you've got to cut him off completely, because you're not going to get over him as long as you're still talking to him. And I'm sure like him being 20 minutes away is hard. But you I think the best thing for you is to start talking to other people yeah this is like a good like your situation is

like a good segue into like a very good like piece of general dating advice which is like as Megan pointed out it is it is good that he was pretty upfront about what he wanted so the piece of advice would be like take people who you may be interested in or at their word which is he's kind of told you twice that he doesn't really feel the same way about you and that's better than like what you know the alternative might might have been which is like people who which it kind of sounds like he's still kind of doing people who just kind of like stringing along and just kind of like figure out you know like what to do to like keep you interested engaged whether for their own like self-edification or whatever reason they're doing

that but like that really i think that really like applies in this case based on what you the caller said which is like towards like the end of your call and it's like and we both kind of agreed that like you know if we're both like still around and it happens it can happen that that's that's like him saying very exactly that's like him very clearly saying to you i'd like to fuck you later that you are you are like an alternative or a fail safe or like like i i i don't want to sound harsh but like he has if he wanted to date you he would yeah and he's given you the opportunity to like take him at his word here's the thing that i would do that to add on to that the psa is take people for what they're saying not necessarily their actions in this like

that's what like he but the and also run far away anytime anyone uses the term exclusive friends benefits because that makes absolutely no sense like i don't want to date you but i want to fuck you but you can't fuck anyone else and like what no like that's just absolute bullshit but no there's times you're like you have to take people for what they're saying because like, it's the same thing. Like I have so many friends who've been through this where it's like, oh, well, I mean, they said they didn't want anything serious,

but like we were hanging out every day. And I was like, they don't want anything serious. It's like, but they were doing it. I'm like, they don't want anything serious. They told you that. And just because their actions don't necessarily match what you expect the actions of that statement to be doesn't change that statement and how they feel.

They're just acting in this way that they're like, well, I gave you that blanket umbrella term. Like, I don't want anything serious, even though like, regardless of any of that stuff, like that's, it's a very hard lesson i think we learn a lot is like we like to make things a lot more nuanced than they are or you know that that well you know but this this and this this this and this it's like if they wanted to be serious they would and like that's something that people say and i like you said i'm looking

for a relationship like it's not something that is never spoken about and so then like all relationships happen when people are just looking for something casual and it ends up being more serious like no it's not yeah it's not it most people who date are like at one point or another in your position so like this is this is your chance to like yeah really like take that kind of lesson to heart which is you know take someone at their word when someone shows you who they are believe them maya angelo is this a reality show confessional what that is a maya angelo quote i'm sorry if anyone did that on reality did you but her face and her voice like yeah that's true well they would have paraphrased it if someone shows you who they are they showed you who you

are like you like girl like you gotta like just like look and see and like know and believe meanwhile the other island is disgusting i know once copen's done i think you should go on love island yeah there you go that that's like a surefire way to yeah and then we can watch you and be like oh we knew her back when she took our advice get it girl she took our advice and now she's on her way to a lucrative entertainment career we are going to take a quick break everyone and we will be right back we're on our way ready for that adventure we are back from our break and it's time to get into the rest of the calls hi guys i'll get right into it i'm 23 i'm a libra i graduated in 2019 and i work full-time from home

my boyfriend does too we have been living together and he's honestly the best person I've ever met and I love him to pieces my issue is that I was in an extremely toxic relationship from the start of high school till the end of uni when I finally broke up with him after six years because he treated me like I was his mother and would not allow me to do things or have friends and he considered me imperfect because I wasn't a virgin when he met me and of course over the course of six and a half years actually I felt miserable and I would cry so often because of all the shit that he was putting me through. Fast forward to when we broke up.

I met my current boyfriend, got together with him two months later. Quarantine started, unfortunately. After a few months of being super consumed by love and amazement of how truly good love can be, we settled down a bit and I started having time to think

and think as you do in quarantine, isolated at home for a year. I slowly started crying again, but this time it wasn't so often and I can never tell why I'm actually crying. it's not like I have a specific reason or anything and yeah he wants me to tell him when I feel like I want to cry so he can comfort me and he usually does actually or better yet he talks to me and makes me laugh and I don't even cry anymore but it still happens sometimes and every time he's so

worried and concerned and of course he's I would be too if he were the one crying in my arms it would break my heart a bit and I'm beginning to become afraid of telling him anymore and would rather do it alone in the bedroom for a bit to avoid concerning him because i feel completely fine after i have started therapy today actually but i wanted to get your guys's opinion on whether or not i should keep telling him or not i love him so much and it hurts me to see him worried about this over and over again every single time i feel like i have to cry again even though every single time after i finish i feel completely fine thank you guys and hope you're having an as easy it can be quarantine so many good accents i was just gonna say that that i mean

you know the the first one that does you you have an amazing accent i just want to say that um well you know it's just like i'm a little jealous because i have this like weird stupid like california colorado like hybrid like hey dude he did a preview on our grocery list he abbreviated broccoli to brock and i was like i'm unwell great that you're starting therapy because i think like getting down to the bottom of because like people use crying for various things like i have friends who like it's just kind of a release of emotions that's like they kind of need to cry at the end of like every week it's like built up frustration and like just anything and it doesn't have to be a bad thing it's just that feels good i'm like maybe it's like an orgasm like you just gotta

cry at the end of the week and it's like a release and you feel fine afterwards there doesn't necessarily need to be like something specifically like wrong or something that you're upset about it just can be like how you process and deal with your emotions and again like an orgasm or like going on a run or something you feel a lot better afterwards and that might not be how he processes and so for him it's like if he's crying it's like a really huge deal or something like that and i would say i don't think you need to i think you like communicate talk to your therapist and find out like if that's if that's just like kind of the person that you are and then communicate that with him and so then it's like and here like I don't want you to have to like worry about me or

anything like that and if his like worry and trying to comfort you and like make you feel better and all of that kind of stuff if that like is getting in the way of that like cathartic emotional release for you and then it becomes like oh now I can't really do that anymore because I have to worry about how he's feeling and therefore you're not like honoring your own emotions which is the whole reason why you're crying is just like get your feelings out then I think you like let him know that that's like and maybe you cry in the shower and that's something that you can like that's your time but it does just depend on what the origin or like what the like the the root cause of that is because we all have different ways to like deal with our emotions and it's not

like an unhealthy way it's not an unhealthy way to deal with emotions at all but if it is how you deal with emotions then that needs to be something that you figure out and so then you can communicate it to him so he doesn't have to worry and then that doesn't it doesn't mean that you have to like not do this anymore or like hide or like any of that kind of stuff yeah it seems like he's just somebody that tries to fix things instead of dealing with what's actually happening and so maybe giving letting him know that you know sometimes i just cry that's what i do and I don't need you around to try to be there to fix the situation because maybe there might not just be something that needs to be fixed.

That's not for us to say, but, and you're going to therapy to figure things out, but like, sometimes you just might need to cry and putting, like, letting him know that like, that's my me time. I'm going to cry and you don't, you don't have to do anything. And I don't want you to feel bad about like trying to fix me. Cause there might not, it just might not be anything that's wrong. mm-hmm do you feel called out no I mean I don't really I don't think you're a fixer yeah like so I can I can kind of see where I your boyfriend may be coming from and that that doesn't mean

he's you know it's like a bad thing but I think like one thing that I've learned is like sometimes sort of that like you know you're like coming in you're like all right like what's going on like what can we do break it down like sometimes that can make the other person on the receiving end kind of really get in their own head um in a non-productive way about what's going on you know and they're like oh like well i don't know what's wrong so maybe like there's something wrong with me because like I just don't feel good and like there's nothing like there's no like causal effects you know it's not like oh I like hit my knee really hard and I'm crying it's like yeah I think like what Megan said is absolutely right like you just have to let him know that

you know sometimes this is just a cathartic exercise for you and and sometimes it's hard to articulate why you're feeling that way in that particular moment but the solution the temporary solution is is having a good cry and um if that's happening it the need there's no need for him to like step in and be like hey why are you feeling that way is it is it quarantine stress or like like everyone in the world is stressed out right now so you know having like a cathartic cry without like any deeper underlying direct meaning is is good and yeah you just have to tell him that and if he's anything like me you'll probably have to remind him a few times so don't don't get annoyed that you have to remind him a few times just you know be you know be yeah just be direct

with him about that i think if i stubbed my toes crying mobs like you would come up with like you would write a whole like football game plan on a whiteboard with like how we solve this no no game plan no no game plan necessary just uh rope some dirt on it um should we go on to the next hey don't blame me podcast um i guess i'll just get right into it there's this girl that i like and she just gotta have a nine month relationship and i know you guys might rip me to shreds because i'm so young and obviously you shouldn't date somebody that just got out of a relationship because it never ends well because there's baggage from that relationship and it's never really good to get back into a relationship like super quick but I like this girl we worked

together for like a year at the same workplace and she's also one of the reasons I left because it ended badly but I we have so many things in common and I really like her and we go to the same gym and we work out together and so yeah I don't really know what to do but also to preface this I've never really had a girlfriend before and it's not like I've never tried or anything it's just I've never done anything like sexually or anything in that respect and so I'm a little nervous if like because we hang out often but if we hang out and like it gets down to it i've never like done anything like the first time i like cuddled with a girl was like four months ago and i'm 18 years old so i just want to have an interesting perspective and if you could have

leo howard on the podcast again that would be awesome he's one of my favorite people and i know he's one of your favorite people megan um but anybody's input would be amazing and it would just brighten my day just to know that like either you guys ripped me to shreds on it or it it's like good helpful advice um i guess more details would be that yeah she did get a non-ruth relationship and it ended badly but we kind of patched things up and yeah so that's pretty much it so far i guess i'm just gonna wait it out and just hear your guys's responses so thank you my guy i'm sorry the i'm not a great accent by the way i'm so happy that you put the leo howard part in because i'm hearing you're dating a girl you that the accent that all of

it i'm like you just you are not our target demo or really like what are smart men should be listening to this without a doubt but the i've just i please let us know what how you found the pot is it from freakish like is it from did you find it through like being a fan of leo i'm so curious what if it's through her oh my god if it's for her if it's through her uh what if it's like a that is the smartest fucking move like a double game a girl that you like likes this podcast and so you call in she might hear it like it's gonna be a whole oh my god well i love that you're here me too thank you like this makes me so happy like we love normalizing like how you know love this like i we love to hear we rarely hear from um straight guys well i mean not necessarily he's

dating he's not necessarily straight if he's just dating like um a girl but like we rarely hear from like men who call in who are dating women and like asking about women like regardless of like straight by like anything we like never have any dudes really calling about dating girls so this is just wild and i like love you this is a unique like i think you guys are well positioned to give them some advice again you're not you're no leo howard but you do have some like throwback leo howard hair right now maybe if you squint your eyes actually if you morph our faces together and squint your eyes it will be him uh leo oh no very sad baby i leo howard's one of my favorite people too um man so there's one thing you said that i wish i i wish i could call you and ask

about because i'm not sure i understood entirely is when you said you guys worked together and she was the reason you left but it ended badly i kind of feel like that was like an important yeah detail that was missed a little bit like did it just end badly like you like walked into your boss's office and pulled a half baked and just like fuck you fuck you oh no i think it meant that they like i wonder if it was you know she was in a relationship and then you worked together and then you had like told her how you there was something happened with you like well that was the other thing i was because then you repeated it again at the end that things are better now yeah i mean so if we're if we're operating from like that assumption so if we're

operating from that assumption the thing that i would say is there's a high probability that how you feel for her is much greater than how she feels for you because she has been she had a boyfriend and now like and you had been into her her and her boyfriend have broken up you're still into her so like your feelings might be farther progressed and just farther along than hers are for you and while that's not necessarily like a bad thing at all and like I think a lot of relationships start off with like one person being more interested than the other person it's just a matter of figuring out if you're going to be able to meet each other's expectations like if you are really into her you need to be like honest with yourself and honest with her with like

how much you like her and like what you're looking for because if it's like for her if she's like I like you but like I like you know I'm new I want to be saying I you know I like kind of want to have fun do my own thing blah blah blah it's not for you I wouldn't recommend accepting whatever she can give you because you've been pining for like her for a while and that it might just that might be like a big disappointment but I also think I'm not we're not going to rip you to because you're young i think of anything like because you're young like fuck it like as long as you're being safe covid permitting and i hope the girl that you cuddled with or whoever you cuddled with you were tested beforehand because the accent makes me stress that you are in a state

that is not being up to like not on top of fucking protocols which to be fair neither is california because you're young i think we can you can have really great loves when you're young but you can also like you move really fucking fast and we get over people and like x y and z and all of that stuff and like i don't think i think this whole thing of when i say like you know take your time really like let relationships like have these times to get over like i'm more speaking about relationships when you're like into your 20s that are more intense just by nature that i think like when you're younger i know for me like i like i could get over someone so much quicker and like it wasn't necessarily a rebound it was just like our relationship was never that

like weighted or deep yeah and that has nothing to do like there's nothing wrong with that and doesn't mean that your relationship with her eventually could not would not be like deeper anything like that it's just age-wise you can only like love someone or like someone as much as like you can at that age and like we're always going to be growing and changing and being able to like be in like heavier deeper relationships just because we are know ourselves more and like we are able to do all of that so i wouldn't i would say because you're young i would also just kind of say fuck it and i've also really romanticized this whole story in my head that she listens to the podcast so i am like on your fucking team and i'm like i ship it and you love me oh so like

this is just like you've you've won me over yeah if it's coming from the assumption that we have that she already knows how you feel then i think you should just hang back and wait um because she you already put everything out on the table and now maybe she needs time to get over whatever that that who she was with before but i mean you guys are still like working out together so you're still around each other um hope it's covet safe uh but do you think the girl he cuddled with and the girl he's binding after the same girl no no no i think he's a family of howard i think i think he's a i think he's you know what's up with the the girl you cuddled with well yeah that is a great question yeah i i feel like we always come back to the same advice when when people

younger than us call in uh which is like you're really young you have a lot a lot of life to live like if the girl that you're pining for the girl that you're you're really into is sort of not really in a place right now to um entertain a new relationship or maybe it as megan said doesn't feel the same way that you do there are other people out there that might appreciate like as megan said kind of like your desire to like be with one person be with someone special call that cuddle cutie back yeah question though what do you think because when you said that you don't think he needs to say anything to her again that she probably remembers what do you think about one time just like checking they broke like her and her ex have like broken up and just being

like because i i am torn on like this the side because as you're saying like go all in no because as as a girl like as a girl like i wouldn't usually forget if someone had like liked me and like i would know and operate on that but then there's also sometimes where like especially if i was younger and I did like someone and then I didn't hear anything I would wonder afterwards so I wonder what what do you think if he said like they've broken up it's like one last time just be like hey just like checking in on you I heard you broke up um like oh and not saying like I'm still into you but like let me know if you like ever want to talk like I'm here for you and extending that in like a she'll know it's in those feelings kind of way no because it they obviously

they had like a fight or something and they're still seeing each other now like they've probably she's probably well aware she's probably the one that told him or she is a totally clueless no you're right if they're still hanging out she knows and so then yeah and they had like patch things up like they i think that they're if they talk through things because i would if i would have had like such a big blowout with somebody and then they quit working with me um they obviously talk through whatever happened i think like what i would do if i were you i think you have two i i think exactly like you said just like operate on that she knows and don't say anything like don't be like ask her out don't be pushy like just like let have her like run her course

of like this post breakup and like all of that kind of stuff and then i think like if a certain amount of time goes by or like a year or something or like six months like if there goes a point where if you need her to like explicitly say like i really like you as a friend but i'm not interested in you like that if you need that to get over that you can like just i wouldn't put your feelings on her and say hey i really like you i would just straight up ask like hey i like love you so much as a friend like you're so great like i really love hanging out with you and this is would never change our relationship and like how we hang out like whatever your answer is but you obviously know that I have had feelings for you and I just I just need the closure to like know that like

if you're not ever like if you're just not interested so like I can just like move on and like we can stay being friends if you need that I would do that but really make sure that you're not putting your feelings on her or making not that like yeah that you're just explicitly asking in those situations it's always really great to kind of offer the example of just say if you don't like say the words that might be hard for her to say so she can say like yeah as opposed to being like i don't like you and i'm never gonna like you like if you can say if you can just let me know if this is just like not in the card you're not interested that would be like helpful for me yeah and i also would examine yourself and see if you're friends with her because you think it's

going to lead somewhere or are you just being friends or you're just like happy with being friends with her because if you're only friends with her because you think it's going to lead somewhere you might as well cut your losses now because you're just going to fall even harder yeah and you should because that's also not fair to her because she thinks you're friends so if you right now that's such a good point if you right now are friends with her because you want to date her then you need to tell like you need to tell her like hey i still have feelings for you and like i'm i need to like take a step back and then take a step back and then if she wants to date you then she'll date you but you can't yeah being friends with someone with that expectation

or that hope then also just like leaves you both disappointed because neither of you are getting the relationship that you thought you were getting out of it please please slide into our dms and tell us how you found the podcast and um please get all of your friends who are also like you know that any sort of like men dating women like please just like i would i would fucking kill to have an audience like that hey bros what are you guys doing oh we're listening to don't blame man i'm sick i'm gonna slide in with you guys maybe we have to do an entire episode on like eating fucking pussy and then we'll get them that's to be fair we want i don't even know if we will get like the really nice sensitive and then a lot of gay women will be like yeah but

i was like but to be fair we should probably have a gay woman on to like i'm like i don't know how i know what i enjoy i could tell you how to enjoy it i could tell you how to give instructions but Like, we should get him. Don't blame me for giving you the life advice you really want. Wow, see, this is why we should do extra episodes. We should, like, literally have an entire, like, episode. It's a good call. Hi, Megan and special guest.

I am 20 years old, and I am calling for relationship advice. So I currently have been living with my boyfriend. We were together for a couple months, about, like, a year ago. And then it was long distance at the time, and I was still needing to move home from college, which I already knew I was going to move home I moved home a couple months later we tried being together again because really the only reason we broke up was because of distance and we got back together and then a few months later I started staying with him at his apartment so I currently

still live with him everything was really good and then for about the past month he started to become really distant and just way less physically affectionate like there would be days where we wouldn't even kiss and that just really bothered me like I would go to bed at night and notice like oh we didn't kiss or we weren't physically affectionate at all and I don't want that to sound needy but I mean like no physical affection so there'd be times when we'd like go to bed and I'd be like oh like we didn't even kiss today or like whatever and he would just kind of like laugh and act like he didn't care which would hurt my feelings that would kind of just like go to sleep and let it go or sometimes I would bring it up well one time when I brought it up

this was like probably like two three weeks ago now it was right around our seven months we've been together for a little less than eight months now when we got back together um he told me that he didn't feel like he was in love with me and he feels like when we've been together for about seven months he should feel like he's in love with me we've never said I love you by the way he said that he should feel like he thinks he should feel like he's in love with me but he doesn't feel that way and then he also told me he's been thinking about a job offer he got last year and turned down because it's two and a half hours away so he'd be hours away from family because no one lives in that area and we would have to figure out if I would go with him or not

and I really wouldn't want to go out there but I also feel that if I didn't we would break up So I'm not necessarily looking for advice on the job offer because he hasn't even looked for places to live out there. Like, it's not like he's taking the job. But I just kind of want advice on how to go about this. It's been a couple weeks. The past week has been good. But I just still feel uneasy about the things that he said.

So just let me know your thoughts. Sounds like you need to break up with him. Break up with him before he breaks up with you. I think he's mentally already broken up with you. He's going to break up with you. Like, I say this out of love. like he is he is he is planting the seeds and he is doing the thing that guys do usually where they plant the seeds in hopes that you will do it for them and take those seeds be like i see

your seeds let me water those seeds and let me rip them out of the fucking i got you peace like this is yeah kind of it's weird that he brought the job offer it almost sounds like it sounds like he was implying that like if some sort of like similar event um came along in his life like he would use that as like an excuse to break up with you um although i will say like two and a half hours like it's not it's not long i mean but you guys have been dating for how did she say how long they were dating before they broke up wasn't it it wasn't like but like seven you're living together did they did they date long distance and move in together right away like when they weren't long distance anymore because that's a bad idea i'm just gonna throw that out it is

it's actually a very very bad idea but you should be in the same like city or general place for a little while not living together like if i if you're like kind of cycling off like long distance it just puts too much pressure on i feel like they probably just like moved in together because of covid i think so too and this is like true this is what happens for like lots of people and i think that um you guys are you are both just on very different pages for i think for you you might have felt like this moving in step like your relationship is more serious because you live together like emotionally and i think for him it was probably more convenience and he's treating this like as if someone who he has been dating for

seven months and isn't sure if he's that into but it's hard because your life that you're living with him is that of someone who has been dating for a lot longer and who is who are in love and all of that stuff and it sucks but the the whole like I don't like I feel like I should love you but I don't think it's not you need to get out like you need to get out because he's like again I say this with love he's going to break up with you but it doesn't seem like he is going to be upfront about that. And he's, and the issue is when people start doing this, like I said, when people start planting the seeds, similar to the update call we had last time, it gets to a point where people just start hurting your feelings. And people just start saying things

that make you hate them and make you resent them and make you like, so you have to break up with them. And I would save yourself the inevitable hurt that's going to come from like the more things that he's going to do or say that are going to like hurt you and like make you feel like shit to try and get you to break up with him and just be like I don't think we want the same things we're not on the same page and like that's okay and this is gonna be done because I don't think there's also anything wrong with being in a relationship and not being in love by seven months I don't think there's like a timeline of that but you guys just aren't on the same page and that's the issue like he's not not like he doesn't even care that he's not kissing you all day like at all

that means you guys probably aren't having sex either he doesn't care i think you're just there because you're just somebody there that he can be quarantined with it's more like you guys are roommates yeah and i that that's hard to grapple with because i think you you both see your relationships really differently and it yeah that that's just that's just hard you just get out get out yep i think like it's gotten to the point where like again we're living in this weird unprecedented time and like that might be putting kind of external pressure in your mind to like try and make it work because you may not want to like go through the logistics the logistics of like breaking up when you live with someone which is you know moving out finding a place like

you know if they own like most of the furniture like and what i would say is like i feel like it's gotten to the it sounds like it's gotten to the point where it's even more of a hassle to kind of do that stuff right now or like start over in covid like i actually think you it sounds like you'd be happier well you can't control if you're gonna break up or not you can control if you're the one breaking up with him or not like which is a harsh thing to say but like i don't think it's a matter of like oh i don't want to break up because like the legit i'm like i think it's gonna happen regardless but one you're going to be blindsided and have to get your shit together and the other you can prepare for yeah so but best of luck um and if it doesn't work out with

the dude and the gym girl maybe maybe y'all should link up there you go i think there's a a big age to grab there oh probably i forget he's 18 yeah and she just graduated from college so i don't think she wants this that's my issue always is because i didn't graduate from college so i don't know what age you graduated from college i left college when i was like 19 so i'm like you're the same age i'm like i did not graduate like i can't believe people can legally drink in college like that's so weird to me i mean if we drink later than like the rest of the world that is true university uni uni uni i love it that is it but did you have a great time i did it flew by flew fucking boy well thank you babe for joining us for our valentine's day

spectacular this is a nice highlight of the day don't you like thinking about other people's problems yeah it is pretty fucking especially right now it's a good time that's i think half the reason why we love this so much if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail 310-694-0976 international listeners you can follow uh you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com my brain was like already thinking about the next thing i was gonna say which was um please follow us on our individual socials as well as the podcast instagram account and a for the voicemail leave it under three minutes 18 or over to call and or get your parents permission and um cool accents prefer we are also available ad free on

such a premium so if you were like let me not listen to ads which is what ad free means you can listen to us there also if you want to leave a review on the podcast app we appreciate it we are also on patreon for a dollar a month you can see the video versions so you can see matz's luscious glocks you can you can see melissa and i's faces when we like react to shit like just the gasps follow our patreon you can also support the channel uh and our podcast five dollars a month we do live streams um we literally just zoom like you would i don't have any college friends but i feel like it's what you would like zoom with your college friends right i've never zoomed with my college friends but if you were to yeah we haven't done yeah we

surprisingly haven't done a big group that should probably organize it you should you should do a sorority one we did that a lot at the beginning we did that a lot at the beginning of all of us yeah if you want to buy my presets check them out um megan ranks.co slash presets and uh buy my book and yeah also if you've been a caller from another episode we would love to have updates so don't to call us with updates leave a voicemail you can either email us and schedule or leave a voicemail and tell us and all that stuff we're very easy to get in communication with but don't forget we do not give advice via dm or written emails correct we'll see you all next time goodbye wear a mask don't kill anybody

Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts, edited by Katrina Henning, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.