Don't Blame Me! - S7E13: How Soon Is Too Soon? w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: (ex) boyfriend and his twin Partner wishing they had more sex before you Working with your ex and your boyfriend Both partners feeling burnt out Don't Blame Them: FOMO in a relationship   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me were you mouthing along with that oh okay i was like i thought we were doing this thing earlier where i was recording you from a vlog and they couldn't hear you and you're like just dubbing whatever and it was the same sort of watermelon watermelon watermelon i was actually saying stuff oh but just so i just want yeah so i just wanted to see if if you get it correct if you're good at reading lips i i think i actually am pretty good at reading lips we'll see so we will see um welcome back to the podcast if this is your first time here hello welcome so happy to have you um my name is megan i'm joined by my co-host melissa and this is a call and advice podcast

where you leave us voicemails and we listen to them and we give you fabulous if not questionable advice and uh as we say we are professional unprofessionals and what we make up what we lack in credentials we make up for in opinions and we have lots of opinions so we love lots of them we have a lot how many opinions do you think you have do you have an opinion on every do you like are you someone because i'll see i have opinions on everything but i don't usually share them yes that checks out for you yeah i have opinions on everything and i will share them whether you ask for them or not but the good thing with this podcast is that people ask for it they do they fucking do so if you have a predicament in your life or you need some

advice and you want to give us a call leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 oh but international listeners send us an audio message uh record it on your phone and then just email it to us at meganpodcasts at gmail.com for regular voicemails as well as voice notes we ask that you keep it under three minutes because you will be cut off and that you write it down beforehand so you can get out all the details you can also practice make sure you have the timing right and uh again if you've been a long-time listener or even a recent listener and you've listened to a couple episodes and you'll be able to tell the calls that have that kind of prep work put into them and it helps us give the best advice because the more details we have the better advice we can

give and um we always ask for that yes and i'd also like to say that uh people that send emails please do not put additional information in your emails you have to treat it just like a phone call so anything that you want to be read put it in your call because people who leave voicemails can't put a different additional information in um i also just want to give a shout out to anyone who has uh been recommending our podcast on tiktok i've been seeing so many posts of like people sending them to me uh really either people making tiktoks recommending podcasts and to be fair no one has made a tiktok recommending our podcast but y'all are always in the fucking comment section being like listen to don't blame me go watch don't blame me and it especially

happens when uh people make posts about like how toxic uh a certain barstool podcast is that like we are we are always being recommended in the comments of people who are trying to find podcasts that are like sex positive crazy stories but like are not like like misogynistic or like have a lot of internalized misogyny so just want to say thank you all it like makes my day very happy um and like we love to see it so um you know in the words of lady efron keep being curious keep asking questions that was a great tiktok audio i loved that one please be 18 or over have your parents permission before you call into the show also please a lot of people have stopped giving their ages in the call so please share your age also your pronouns

yeah we we um have it's also very helpful too if at the beginning of your story if you um are if you are like cis and use like she her he him pronouns uh or whatever and you're in in your story someone else does not if you can do that at the top that's very very helpful um even if it's like regarding yeah like someone who's like changing like if your calls about someone changing their pronouns and then like if you're doing the timing wise and then there's like the switch and the flip over it's a lot easier um for us to follow and for the listeners um if you can give those disclaim like give those pronouns um ahead of the time ahead of time and if you are also like cis and talking about other cis people and it would also be great just you know normalize

pronouns throw them in there at the beginning so it's not just people who are uh non-binary or not cis so so mine are hershey kisses um and yours are that's cute i haven't heard of that i took it from somebody's profile there was a good one i saw but i don't remember what it was but mine are also just she her but i also will respond to bitch um i do not i do not and will not ever respond to girly oh yeah fucking hate that ever do not ever ever or even like hey girl like if i don't know you no no no you can't no i i hate that hey girl hey girly i'm assuming you are being passive aggressive and about condescending bitch about to bring me into your mlm i don't want your essential oils shove them up your snatch bitch god fucking hate it and they'll

be like of course we have some for your snatch guys please follow everyone please follow our instagram i did just spend like seven hours yesterday making a bunch of like really cute posts that i'm excited about and if nobody sees them i will be devastated and uh we really we high-key appreciate it and if you're trying to join our facebook group and you're not following or you're not following there when you apply to our facebook group and you are not following me melissa or the podcast and you're only following like jeffree star and i'm like get the fuck out of here no no this is not the place for you you will be bullied you will be bullied and we will we will condone that kind of bullying because it's not even

bullying you're just not you're not supporting us so why do you want to join the group we start our episodes with an update which is um us talking to someone who has been on uh the podcast before uh been a caller and they're going to give us an update on the situation that they uh we talked them about the first time so this or the first time we gave them advice about is this the this is from season 5 episode 23 in addition to the the 100th episode which is season 5 episode 1 i believe somewhere in there so um maybe you should put trigger warning on here for yes bestiality and oh my god yeah you're not wrong you are not wrong so uh buckle up it's everything we've ever joked about off the air that has come true and i would also just like

to say that this is mine i will die on my hill of adult twins i mean now you've proven it to me so now i feel icky about it thank you for joining my cause okay let's buckle up everybody buckle up and also i would recommend if you are a part of our patreon or if you have a dollar to spare and you want to watch the video versions our fate i i'm excited to go back and watch our phases when the bomb is dropped neutral as possible but it was not i'm pretty sure i i've got tmj and i had my my jaw had to re-click back into place after i was like shot it's so the video version i would highly recommend watching so i was on your hundredth episode where i um was having issues with my boyfriend's twin sister but and then I called back that same season I think it

was episode 23 and I was with my boyfriend for seven years and I wanted to end the relationship and I didn't know how because we were so like intertwined and I was like who gets the house who does this like I don't know is he homeless I don't fucking know um so basically I guess I'll start with the hundredth episode uh and then we'll work from there okay but i so i was having issues with his twin sister um she was my manager at work um they were constantly together uh hanging out um they basically couldn't live a day like separate separate side note did we make incest jokes that's the fucking funny thing dude so if we didn't while we were if we didn't on the episode we definitely talked about it afterwards because that's our like go-to with like siblings

are like way too fucking close like i mean it was if it was the hundredth it was live though right so we wouldn't have done it no we wouldn't have done it no it was like so the thing is is that they have like super abusive uh alcoholic parents I remember this I remember this yeah so basically they had these alcoholic parents his mom like for the whole seven years we were together she was always trying to like kiss me on the mouth when she was like drunk and I would like turn my head she like slobbered down my face and I was like this family is just weird but I don't know I don't know what I was thinking um but so down the line um I think it was like so I called back the 100th episode was in like I don't know March or something yeah so then in May um I was

like I think I'm done this just isn't working he's basically just like a grown man child can't do anything without his twin sister or her approval um and his twin sister is just a raging fucking bitch too so she was like my manager at work i couldn't get away from her she would go and talk about the things i would do at work and then talk to him about it and then i would get in trouble at home that's so weird it gets fucking weirder hey adult twins it started off weird adult twins i have a weird i don't know why i think adult twins are so weird to me exactly and so he then tells me that they were each other's first everything first kiss first like um groping first like first second base i don't know he didn't tell me if they had sex or not if it's everything

if it's everything that's implied exactly i was like are you fucking goosebumps i know and i was like uh okay he's like yeah you know like we just had a lot of like built up sexual tension and you know we like trauma bonded and so it's kind of like weird yeah and then a side side thing his mom would um put like peanut butter on her vagina and have the dog lick her vagina like just a weird ass family weird ass family how does he know this he walked in on her when did you find this out in the like is this all at the end yeah okay because I was like girl seven fucking years we gotta talk about like holy I know so so that was before no that was after I called and was like hey I'm in this relationship I need to end it like this isn't healthy for me and then he told me all that and I

was like okay bye get the fuck out of my house oh my gosh yeah and so um I ended up just saying like hey he actually um we had a fight too that was completely separate from everything he told me and um so we were fighting and he said you know what I'm not even attracted to you anymore because you've gained so much weight since high school um and so and that's something that I struggled with a lot is like myself and like my body image like I struggled with eating disorders and um my family like nitpicked me my entire life since I was five years old they were like you need to go on a diet um you know like my prom dress my mom said I looked bad in you know like just stuff like that. And so, um, he said that, and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? So

I kicked him out. My best friend came over. Um, we packed up all of his stuff, put it in the garage. And, uh, then I started the pandemic living alone. So, um, it was very interesting, but I did a lot of like self-realization um and i learned a lot and i actually have um found a man uh through all of this too that is literally like the best man i have ever like met or could have imagined or like he just makes me so fucking happy and he's like everything that like i've been missing i'm excited for you oh my god that is the that is the the happy conclusion that i needed after all of that yeah holy shit and they're still close with their parents oh yeah um so actually after we broke up um he moved in with his sister yeah um they're still fucking they're still

fucking oh yeah and then um the like not long after he moved in there her husband uh yeah she's married so she um she's been with this guy for like three four years at this point um they've been married for a little over a year he cheated on her when they were just like boyfriend you know just dating he cheated on her when they were engaged he cheated on her when they were married and i think this is the fourth time that he's cheated on her um so obviously what's she gonna do i'm back to her brother probably i'm just making up conclusions at this point but from what like we've gathered here it's like pretty fucking obvious oh my wow i'm fucking god that i am not Yeah, I'm so glad that you're not part of that anymore.

Oh, shit. It was interesting. And we were together because I'm 24 now. We were together since I was 16. Yeah, you said high school. Yeah, I've, you know, my whole life was like, like surrounded with them. And how was that time?

Like when you were, before you started dating who you're with now, that time of like self-discovery for you of being alone? oh huge um I cut out a ton of toxic people in my life like my mom um other friends um I lived alone for like four months and then my best friend uh was in a toxic relationship too so we got her out of that and then we started living together um so we were able to really heal um together and like really get through this not only like the pandemic together but like this like total change in our lives together it's just crazy how everything works out yeah yeah part of it too and it's like I just want to say thank you oh my god

thank you oh no my best friend when I was going through all of this she was like what would Megan say. Oh my God. I mean, I love that. That's so funny. Yeah. It's crazy. Cause like I completely found like my self-worth too. I've never had that before. I've never had like self-love. I've never had like self-respect. Like I completely love myself, which is why I think I'm able to have this core group of people too. And like a good boyfriend and like good friends. And I'm like on really good terms with my family right now and so I think that having that self um just discovery too and realize that I deserve um the best it totally changed everything too yeah oh my god this is the happy ending we needed I know you sound all therapized and every twin zest call

needs this happy ending oh my gosh literally but yeah that's it's so funny because literally anytime we have a problem in our you know household it's always like what would megan and melissa do oh my god they would start a fight and then they'd go to therapy literally throw hands me yeah but we just love you guys um and thank you for being a part of this journey oh thank you for including us in all of this and send our love to your friend too like this that that makes us like so happy to like hear we obviously don't want to fuck up anyone's life but like especially for calls like that like when ones that we like really remember and like stick with us and all of that like we like when we ask for updates like we're we genuinely like oh my

god i hope that person's okay like i wonder what's going on and all of that it's like it's so nice to hear from um from the like people who call back and people like you like it is so nice to like see like it just makes us so happy because like we get invested like we get even though we're like unbiased third parties we really do get invested in like these like outcomes in your lives and all of that and so like when things go well and we have those like happy endings afterwards like that it makes us like so fucking happy and like and it's also like us we're doing we're actually like doing things you know and not just sitting here and talking to each other we're not just talking shit to each other on zoom thank you thank you so much this was so great

i love you guys and i can't wait to listen and are you as mind blown and disgusted but my oh at least at least she's doing better um at least she is happy at least she's got her best friend there you guys didn't see it or hear about it but her best friend was there we got to say hi and they're very supportive of each other so i'm glad she has a great support system and she's taking out all the toxic people in her life yeah wow and to be on the other side of this like is such an impressive feat when you've been in a horribly toxic relationship for so long to like get out on the other side so like for anybody who is dealing with any level or extent of like toxicity you can get through it and get past that and like have great people in

your life which is amazing and i think i will be thinking about the dog thing for the rest i'm trying not to because the twin thing again i have a thing about adult twins i think it's we i don't know why i also had someone dm me when i like had posted on my instagram story or i did an ig tv q a where my friend sam asked like what's like something like really mundane that like you fucking hate and i was like i don't know why but like adult twins like i have no like it did they just make me uncomfortable um and i had someone respond being like as an adult twin could you let me know like how i can move forward and like not be weird because like it is a thing that some people say is weird like it's like what can i do so just don't do this anyone who's an adult twin

out there like i'm not judging you or anything like that i think that there are just i think i've just seen too many tv shows and like movies with like incesty fucking siblings and then when it becomes identical like same like same sex identical twin that then that just becomes like it no longer is like oh my god parent trap cute we're switching places it's like invasion of the body snatchers like you have like adult like you mean like you're not playing those jokes anymore and there's just someone who looks exactly like you walking around freaks me the fuck out freaks me the fuck out all right let's move on wow yes let's let's move on And we'll spend the rest of our lives, like you said, trying to forget.

Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm 20. My girlfriend is 21. I'm calling because my girlfriend's been questioning their identity, like, sexuality in general for a while. And I know that in relationships I was in college, wanting to experiment and date different people is kind of the norm, which is completely fine when they brought it up to me a while ago. They said they wish they had experimented with other men, women, and non-binary people before they met me, which I understood. And I was like, yeah, I'm sorry. I made figuring out your identity harder.

But since then, they've brought it up pretty regularly to me and to their friends, and we've talked about it a lot. I brought up the possibility of having a break or an open relationship in the future after COVID-19 control to see if they wanted to experiment, because it seems really important to them to have those experiences. And they kind of got mad at me and told me that they would never do that and just fucked up with me to even bring it up. Since then, they've told me that, again, and they regret not being with other people before me. I know it doesn't really have anything to do with me, more so their gender identity and their sexuality. But it's kind of hard for me to hear rest assuredly that they wish they had sex with other people before they met me. It's kind of making me worried for the future because it's clearly a regret they have.

And I don't want them to resent me in the future for not being able to have that experience because they did me. Thank you. I hope you have any advice for me. Bye. My advice was going to be exactly what you said. and then you said it and they weren't down for it so um maybe it's more of a fantasy than actual reality like they get off on talking about it instead of actually doing it that'd be my only thoughts on that yeah have you told them that it makes you like uncomfortable because it's so valid that it makes you uncomfortable and i think it's something that you talk about like i mean i've like i have i had like a one night stand maybe i've had several i don't know but like i've that's

never really been my like thing and like i've had conversations with like mods about like the fact that i'm like oh that like i can't but like he he's like i can't believe you like really like you haven't like really or even had like a like a time period where i was just like having casual i guess like high school do you yeah i didn't really have any of that we've had conversations about but it's never me bringing it's like he would ask like oh like pretty early on like do you like or not pretty early on like when we were really we're like okay we're serious serious um that yeah he'd been like is there any like you're good like you don't feel like there's anything because you haven't really had that phase and i'd be like you know like sometimes

i think about like oh i kind of like wish i had done that but i also don't know i hadn't done it so I don't know that I would have do I mean like I'm like I didn't do it so like maybe I never would have done it done it even if like the opportunity presented itself like maybe that just was never gonna be something that was for me um but it's not something that I would ever bring up especially if my partner was like uncomfortable and like I'm sure you're visibly uncomfortable but I think I think you could be right that it could be something that they just like kind of get off on or if they are intentionally trying to make you feel kind of like jealous in a way that that's also something that's I mean that's toxic as hell but if that's like how they've kind of like been

in other relationships that that's like a sign that you really like someone is like you're trying to gauge their reaction to it but you came at because and I think that does kind of check out because you came at it with like a well maybe it's an open relationship and it's like well no and it's like so then what's the point of telling me these things because these are things that you would have a conversation with a friend about not your partner because there's nothing that you as their partner can do like yeah i'm just like i think that you need to be upfront with them and tell them that that's not you don't want to hear about it like they can think about it and and maybe talk to a friend about it but it's not something that you want to hear about and it

makes you uncomfortable and it would be fine if they if you wanted to take a break and then they explored more with their sexuality but while you're together it's not something that is it either needs to like stay a fantasy that you never hear about or you need to take a break and then they can discover who they are yeah because it's not your fantasy and like if that's something that turns them on, then that needs to be like a solo time kind of thing. And then they also need to reassure you that they're happy in this relationship and they want to be in a relationship with you because it is putting that in your head that it, yeah, it doesn't feel, it doesn't feel good at all. And I think, yeah, I think those are natural feelings to have, but I also think

that you also might just be on different pages like with what you want and like the timing and where you are because while I'll say those are like natural feelings I I don't think about that ever like I I really don't like if I sat down and thought about it I would be like hypothetically like sure maybe it was fun if like maybe it would have been cool if I had some a couple like like crazy one night stand ho phase for like a year or so but like it's not something that plagues my thoughts ever and not something that I feel like I missed out on or anything because of mods like if I was with somebody else I'm sure those feelings would be like greater and I would like be expressing them more and like that would be more at the forefront and so um you just have to

have a conversation with them about like hey this makes not only hey this makes me feel uncomfortable and I would really rather we didn't talk about this but this makes me feel like you don't want to be in a relationship with me and you don't we're not on the same page and then when I suggest like taking like taking a break and like doing that stuff you don't want to do that so I don't really know what you what your goal of a conversation is and what you want to hear from me because all I hear when I hear that conversation is I'm not interested in you I'm interested in other people and like I'm the grass is greener and all of that kind of stuff so I think the more the more like just being so upfront and straightforward and honest about how you feel

and how you what you hear because like I think there's something a lot of times like oh like the whole like don't put words in my mouth or whatever it's like here I can know that you're saying one thing but I will hear it in this way I'm going to tell you how I hear it because then you'll be able to address my feelings that have been my response to what you have said so the more honest you can be I think you can get down to the bottom of it and if also that's not something that they're able to like stop doing then this is not the right relationship for you and it's like a total yeah it's it's natural that that happens for people but it's about respecting your if you're going to be in like a monogamous relationship and even a non-monogamous relationship

like you have to respect each other's like boundaries and like what the guidelines are any outlines for your relationship and this is not something that you have like consented to is like all of that so have a conversation but best of luck hi Megan Melissa um I'm a Virgo so I've written this all out of course um so I recently went through a breakup um in which my best friend and partner of like two and a half years left me um we had lived together for about two years. And because he lost his job due to COVID, I was financially supporting us both. So I took a job in a new city after he encouraged me to do so. But because he wasn't able to find work here himself after we moved, I knew that he resented me a lot for the move. And so after this

breakup, I kind of feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And all of my friends and family, except just a few actually live in other cities. And so they can't really tell right now that I'm actually doing okay. And I'm really thriving with living alone now and getting to explore my new city. Some days, of course, are really hard, but overall, I'm in a really great place. I'd love to start trying to date again. But I've gotten some sort of mixed advice from the people in my life. I'm really mostly just interested right now in social distance, like outdoor date with masks. And so to me, I know that like COVID is kind of this natural way of creating a long porting period. Um, so it's not like I can rush into anything. Um, and I'm not

going to be like going indoors to anyone's place even. Um, but I am kind of wondering like how soon is too soon. And I know that you all will be pretty straightforward with me about this. So, um, thank you in advance for your advice. Um, and hope to hear back from you. Okay, so we don't know how you wrote it all down. Good Virgo energy. The one thing you did forget was to say how long ago you broke up, which I don't think is that crucial, except that like part of like the skeptics in your life think it's like too soon for you to start dating. i mean yes social distance dates i think like that's great here's the thing if you felt a weight lifted off of your shoulders after he left you that's because you had doubts and like you had those feelings but like i just don't think you let yourself feel that and like let yourself vocalize that or even like acknowledge those feelings to yourself like i don't think you

realized until he was done that you were like oh wow this actually might be a better thing and if you didn't express if you didn't even realize that yourself there's no way that you told friends and family and so I think on paper her move to a brand new city her boyfriend were in a pandemic and her boyfriend left her like that seems like that's like a life-shattering earth shattering kind of thing you thriving you don't owe anyone an explanation or like justification to like why you're doing okay after a breakup as long as you're being like safe and like people are concerned and like all of that kind of stuff like you can assure them like i'm doing great i'm doing good but like other than that that's that's all the explanation you need to

offer anyone because they don't even really live where you are and there sometimes like things happen that like if it was anyone else's like we we put ourselves in other people's shoes all the time like that's like how we relate to other people is being like well that's also like I know a big ADHD thing that it's like okay I relate to someone by being like what would I do in a situation or have I been in something similar all that really says for them is if this had happened to them and maybe in their current relationship or a relationship that they've had or even in hypothetical they would be devastated and so they're seeing it as them most likely like not necessarily you and what your process of dealing with all of this is so i mean i i don't even know

like hypothetically i'm thinking if we knew a specific time i don't even know i honestly don't i think if you said you broke up a week ago and you were like ready to go on a date like i don't think i would i yeah i i don't think it matters i don't think it matters because it can you can literally like be with somebody for years break up with them like and i know that this has happened to other to friends and then they find somebody and they're like i'm just a specific example they're like i'm never getting married we're just fine in our relationship they were together for like eight years they broke up and then a month later they found the person that they were marrying so it depends more on you like are you ready or do you feel like that you've

healed are you using which I think is fine if you're doing this like using like going on these social distance dates to kind of like just test the waters to see how you're feeling even just like getting used to talking to someone else and I think quarantine's great for that for some people where you can, you know, just talk to somebody without being physical and it could and don't use them as like your therapist, but more of just like getting your feet wet back in the dating game. So we can't tell you you can't let other people tell you either it needs to be a decision if you feel ready, then do it. But if you're doing it more just to like, you feel like it's part of your healing process, then don't do it because that means you're not ready. Yeah, no, that's

that's so spot on i would also advise um this was like you were in a long-term relationship and uh a lot of the time we get over relationships before they're actually ended which is when people are really okay after a breakup it's because one of my friends went through this it was like they were like my i've been checked out for over a year like i already got over you while we were still in the relationship but i just like wasn't confident enough to leave or i like really wanted to make it work but it just wasn't it was just like a slump and you'd get over it eventually and exactly and then it was like oh no i'm actually just over you like this i've fallen out of love with you all of that kind of stuff the thing i would advise you on is to

regardless if you're like a serial monogamist or you really want to like because i think there's a difference between wanting to like put yourself back out there and wanting to find new like serious like hardcore relation if you want to find a new boyfriend like that is because then that is a sign usually of codependency but it sounds like for you you're loving like exploring your new city you're loving living alone it doesn't necessarily to me it doesn't sound like you're codependent at all but i would say if you are someone who is tends to be like relationship relationship relationship and like bounce all of their those ways i would you don't have to stay quote-unquote single for x amount of time but i would talk to multiple people like i would

not just hop into like the first person who you really hit it off with i think that just for yeah just for experience why it doesn't have to be like anything i mean don't there's not unless you're you got to be quarantining and isolating weeks and weeks in between if you're hooking up with multiple people um but taking this time to like explore everyone who is out there and like talk to multiple people and all of that stuff and i think that quarantine is also a great time for people who aren't necessarily um people who tend to date around this is a great time because you don't have to follow you don't have to go out with multiple people where people are like oh i can't like how do you keep track and like i get to invest it you just have to

message. Just talk to people FaceTime, like talk on the phone text. This is a great time to really understand and meet lots of different kinds of people, which I think is great once you get out of a very long term relationship, because we can look and see, oh, this person doesn't have the qualities that my ex has. And I that's great and perfect and awesome. But every person you're going to meet is going to have so many different things. And you'll realize things that you like, like, or you don't like, or you're more into or you want or you don't want. And you need a bigger sample size to kind of conduct that so i would just suggest i would suggest that and if you uh no matter what you do just be upfront and honest with the people that you're talking to and so

if you have no intention of really like if you i just have a serious relationship and i am just kind of dating around casually right now talking to lots of different people just make sure everybody's on the same page so nobody is feeling like misled or that their expectations aren't being met so being honest with yourself and if someone like doesn't like what you have to say or is not for that then fuck them because nothing to do with you but congratulations this fucker did you a favor now you realize who knows if he had never left if you would have ever realized that like hey this maybe was not the right relationship for me yeah I mean, you move to a new place.

It feels like a great time to start over. Yeah. New place, new job, apartment, solo time. Well, best of luck. Stay safe. And we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. we are back from our break hello and it's time to get into the rest of the calls hey y'all i really love the show i've been listening for a long time and something

has now happened in my life that's actually worth calling about i was wondering if you guys could help me with an issue i'm having at work i am 20 and i am a cancer and i now work with both my boyfriend who is 22 and a tourist and now my ex-boyfriend as well who is 21 and as well um me and my ex didn't end well because he was emotionally abusive when we were together and um we were together for two and a half years me and my boyfriend now have been together for four months and um we all work together and it's super awkward and weird because everyone we work with knows because I live in a really small town so everyone knew who I was dating and when we broke up and all that jazz and it's great fun but um it wouldn't be that bad but I get put as

on-site supervisor all the time so I am basically in charge of both of them when we are on site and that puts me in a really awkward situation of I don't really want to talk to my ex and also him and my new boyfriend don't get along because they have differences of opinions not just when it comes to me but in life in general so it's super tense and awkward between them and then just the entire situation when there's 15 people you're in charge of and two of them don't get along because you dated both of them it gets super weird so i'm not too sure what to do if you guys have any advice on how to make work less miserable that would be great um love the show kind of happy that something in my life is interesting enough to call them so thank you

are you at work right now yeah is that that's a walkie are you a cop are you a pa because if you're in charge of both of them you're not a pa but like why do you have a walkie she could be the head pa if she's a pa but she says she lived in a small town so i don't know what and she said on site yeah could be construction or like she works like in a warehouse yeah i have questions though were you dating them before and then they start working for you or they're working for you and then you start dating because either way you shouldn't be doing either and i know that you kind of put yourself in this situation yeah this is an hr issue like this is like an actual like issue and it's something that i would reach out to hr immediately and be like i

need to be switched teams or something so like you're not working with them or you need to find um a new job because this is just an hr nightmare disaster waiting to happen and to be fair i i think that you would probably be the one who would be asked to leave because you're the supervisor you're over them and now you're in a situation that shouldn't have happened in the first place and like it's you're the one who has you're the one who ties all of you together and so i think like yeah your first step of action is reaching out to hr asking to be reassigned and if you can be reassigned then it's finding a new job because i don't foresee make make it on if you're going to leave leave on your terms don't leave from something else because inevitably it

will not work yeah because it's either you're going to be with your current boyfriend for you know the longevity that you're working at your job and him and the other guy are going to you know probably fight one day i mean it's probably gonna happen or it's gonna be like you and your current boyfriend break up at some point and now you're in a situation where you're with two exes uh someone needs to leave because it's it's a hostile it's a hostile work situation yeah and like them working together is not because even if she leaves then they're still working together well but even if they still work together that's not like a code of conduct issue that it's like oh like okay but it is if you are working with them because this is my ex and this

is my current partner like that's those are things that are should not be brought into like the work place and those things are actively have those are active relationships like being an ex is still an active relationship if you're working together versus if it was if you leave and it's just them working together it has nothing to do with their job like it's like oh okay we both i'm dating your ex but that that is irrelevant to our job but it's relevant when you are still working there so i don't think this is what you wanted to hear at all and it obviously depends on the company and if it's one of those things that like i'll be honest regardless of like any sort of justification or oh we were dating we weren't dating beforehand or i got him the job or our boss

knows and it's like fine or whatever the fact that you're worried about this and calling in shows that there is the tensions are not it's not it's not yeah like other people at the company know too this isn't going to end well as long as you're still there yeah so i say preemptively either switch teams or get a new job because it's not going to end well for you which sucks and especially sucks if you're the ones who like help them get these jobs and but at the same time like it is something that like the risk that you run when you date someone who you work with or you hire someone who you are dating or you hire someone that you have dated like it's just yeah it's and yeah sorry it's messy and you just got to get out of the mess

oh well i apologize because i don't think that's what you wanted to hear but but sorry that's our brand maybe somebody else has some other advice but i don't think that this is a situation that should have started to begin with. And there's only real one outcome. Next one. Hi, Megan and Melissa. So I'm 28. And my husband is 30. We've been married for about a year now. But we've been together for like eight years. So a long time. Anyway, it's always felt like when one of us was feeling really low and was really down having something going on in our lives. The other one was really stable and there for the other one. He lost his dad about four years ago to cancer and I had to be the strong one then. And then, you know, time goes on and

my parents were being awful and didn't come to our wedding a year ago. So he was there for me through that. But he's a nurse and I'm a teacher and our jobs have just been so emotionally demanding through this past year with COVID. And I'm just wondering what you would do when you're both so burnt out and exhausted to be there for the other. Sometimes it feels like we're both just trying to make it through to the next day. And I want to be able to do more for him, but I'm also so drained myself. I'm just curious what you would do in this situation. If it helps, I'm a Libra and he's a Capricorn so thank you guys I love the podcast bye first of all you and your husband just sending thank yous and so much like you guys are warriors at this time like true heroes I mean

you you that you've always been but especially now you're finally being recognized in you've been put in horrible circumstances that are showing that like you are have and always will be heroes but this is an extent that should never even have occurred so thank you i so get this like this is so relatable this is something that matz and i have had conversations with our therapist about that is like it's it's hard because we most of the time similar to what you were saying is that like one of us is down and the other one is up and it's like i can be there for you we can talk and all of that stuff and this year specifically in the pandemic has definitely been the times where it's like oh you're here i'm also here and it's just kind of like us looking

at each other like the mark uh the paul rudd meme being like look at us hey look at us like the spider-man like so i understand that we literally had one of those days last week and it was just one of those angry just both just looked at each other and it was like i love you and he was like i love you too and i was like okay do you want to watch something and it was like we both know that i can't i'm i'm going through this you're going through this and as opposed to in other times where one of us feels capable of like trying to lift the other person up or like really like pulling more weight or doing something like that it just becomes a different kind of support where it's like i feel you like it's i understand i feel like i'm going through the

exact same thing you're I don't need to pull like not that you ever need to pull someone out of there it's your responsibility but it's like I'm just gonna sit here with you like we're in the fucking trenches together and that's something that I think if you can communicate that with your partner and it's really important to communicate that kind of stuff and like that's what a therapist told us like ahead of time as long as you're both like if one of you is going through something and you tell the other person the other person's also like I'm really going through something right now like then that like you need to like establish the boundaries like ahead of time like and when that happens I it's just like I love you we're here for you together

like what can we like what's something that is going to like let's like watch a movie together or like let's like make dinner or like let's just move on from this conversation and it's just about recognizing when you're both in the trenches together and just being like I see you like I love you and I feel you because like we're both going through this right now and that that is a different like you said it's it's it's support it's just a different kind of support it's like when you talk to a friend about like um like something that's happened in your life and they've never been through that before and they're just like i'm so sorry like i just like i'm like i i really feel for you someone who's been through it before but is

doing a lot better it's like here's like what i would do and like here's like how i can help and like blah blah and then someone who's actively going through the exact same thing if you think about like a sibling if you're going through the same thing that's like a family problem with a sibling it's just like hey we're going through this together like it makes us this is you and going yeah so I think if you can express that um just have like a conversation and just be like hey um I've noticed this year like I've really loved that I've been like when you've been going through stuff like I really I love being able to like pull more weight or like do anything that I can and like this year it's been hard because I like we're both going through this kind of shit and I

think that uh I've been feeling like whether you're feeling guilty or feeling like bad about not being able to do that i'm not able to support you in that way but i am able to support you in just like loving you and like talking to you about these conversations like just being there for you in those conversations and this is what i would want in return when we're both in there and like let's just be on the same page for when these moments happen and i i promise you that it does not it still feels like support like as again as someone who's gone through like it doesn't i'm not disappointed when there are days when I'm like really low and like so is Mots and he's not like there to like quote unquote cheer me up or whatever I feel equally as like supported

in just being like I'm having a really fucking shitty day yeah I think the the key thing here is communication because it could be and you used to know like how to support him and this is a different time and um he also knows that you're going through a lot too with teaching and just asking him like what do you need from me what do you want from me and you let him know what you need from him as well just keeping the communication lines open yeah and it's a given that like you're both going through shit right now and it's important to like as long as it's so important to communicate because a lot of the time too if your partner's going through something and then like what an hour later you've got something that fucking hits you you're like well i don't want to

they're already i don't want to burn yeah yeah so making sure that like you expressing and our therapist was like she was like so great at that it's where it's like if one of you is having an like a like really fucking going through it and then the other one's also really going through it like express that don't just not say anything and like just like swallow it and be like okay well i need to be there for like this person or whatever it's like no no you like you can you can like have you can relate to each other as you're both actively going through something and um because because the whole thing is that you shouldn't ever be leaning on your partner to it's not your partner's responsibility to like pick you up or like do anything like that because they can't like

it is they can support you but like when you're going through something you're the one who picks up the pieces when you're dealing with someone who's passing like that's like it's that's personal that's something that like you are the one who's processing that and you can have people to lean on. But like, you're the one picking up those fucking pieces. And like, you're the one putting that fucking hard work in. And so we tend to feel a responsibility to not burden our partners. But in reality, the more you can be open communication with how you're feeling, then the second that you do that, then you're never you're not going to feel like you have to hide your feelings if he's having a bad day, or he's not going to feel like that. And it'll just be like a weight lifted. And

I would just I would recommend coming up with something when you're both having those really rough specific like times that is something that like works for both of you maybe it's like a tv show that you really like watching and you start watching their puzzle or yeah something like that where it's something that you are doing something together um and you're not being left to like process and deal with your emotions on your own and dealing with it on your own it's like how can we be there for each other while not well each knowing that our plate is full with our own individual things so don't blame them is where a listener will call in with their own advice uh from a call that we answered on a previous episode so if they have personal experience

or there's something that they thought or heard or has some sort of insight um to it they are going to uh give it give it all to us so what episode is it for rob this is from season seven episode eight so very recent ish yeah we'll just listen to it hi megan melissa i'm calling in for a don't blame them for season seven episode eight the latest episode i'm just listening to it right now but i feel like i need to call in um it's the woman who is having a little bit of doubt because she's never been with another guy and she doesn't know if she should experience other things but she also knows she wants to be with him forever so this didn't personally happen to me this happened to almost one of my best friends uh who's a little bit older than me she's 30 now um in her late in

her early 20s she dated a guy for about six years and she knew she wanted to marry him have kids with him all this stuff um but she started having doubts like how the color was where she's like I'm not very gonna experience another person like how how's that making you feel all that stuff and long story short she ended up breaking up with him because of this guy that she worked with that was like super hot super like lustful and everything like that and she broke up with him because the her co-worker oh was always flirting with her and she was just like like i'm never gonna be able to just like hook up with this guy so she ended up breaking up with him uh this guy the boyfriend of six years and just to hook up with this guy and get new experiences and quickly

she realized she made a mistake not not a mistake sleeping with him but just a mistake like I shouldn't have left him and a couple months later she tried to get back with him and he said no and she she has not spoken to him since but she does know that he's happily married and he has three kids and they live in Arizona in a nice big house so she's still a little bitter over that so just think about that when you're deciding what to say to him what to do obviously it's a little different because you were so young when you met him so you truly don't know what you are like without him but I'm just saying that's the two cents that I have because I feel like that story is so very sad all right bye guys that is so not where I thought it was going I thought it was

like oh and then her and her co-worker it was just like I need to explore and they fell in love but it's like no I fucked up I made a mistake and I'm regretting it for the rest of my life i love it don't blame them like this we haven't had one really like this being like but don't but also i'm like this seems like this is this guy's like actual love of his life maybe he's they're married and got three kids so maybe you weren't the star of this shit this story he was oh my you are not the your friend was not the main character he was the main character and he he got yeah he is the one of being like thank god she fucking left i found the true love of my life

wow yeah so i mean her person just that wasn't him but damn that was pretty fucking savage i do i do respect that you called him with that advice because that's so not where i thought this was going well maybe it's wow advice also for the person earlier in this episode too but who knows i'm like i did think about that if it's i feel like if you're meant to come back to the person then you will and this wasn't supposed to be her the end of her story now you gotta get now she's gotta get over this regret that she has well when you act on something like that like there's a reason why like there's a reason like you wouldn't you if it wasn't this it would have been something else like it wasn't supposed to happen and this was the way that this is the way that you chose

for it to end but it was always going to end like that's like I think every relationship has like an expired like best by date and it's not like oh every like I don't believe I mean I'm also like not I don't believe like there's like everything is planned out and specifically and all of that kind of stuff but like I definitely think like relationships run their course but it's not like this is the one way it's going to end it's like we make those choices and it was going to end one way or another and this was the way and it just so happened that this way possessed a lot of guilt and regret thank you for calling though yeah fucking juicy and just i just i don't love just like the fact the angel gas she's 30 and just like pretty fucking unhappy

like well fuck fuck fuck fuck don't fuck your co-workers that's the moral of this story the whole episode think about if you want to leave your ex like i'm not your ex your current person actually and then uh don't fuck your co-workers moral of the story wow that is our episode everyone i hope you enjoyed if you did please love to leave us a review on the podcast app and make sure you're subscribed to our podcast on um anywhere you listen you know that's you get the episodes the fastest otherwise you got to keep refreshing and waiting if you want to watch the videos uh patreon a dollar a month so cheap so great and you get to see our facial expressions and we also have a five dollar a month tier where you can be joined you can join our live streams

that we do twice a month they're really fun we just know at this point i feel like they're like more for us than they are for anybody else well i feel like i know we enjoy them i know like everyone do you know what i mean it's like hanging out with a big group of friends yeah and it's like oh my god like helen how are your finals like oh my god like x y and z like so and so like i yeah like people i picked someone who has a very basic like simple name but i was gonna say someone else like oh my god love the new hair like this like this everything is like it's it's so nice and great and we always say that if you are especially right now in the pandemic if you are looking for some kind of like friends and normalcy it's really just like getting along and like hanging out which

is really nice um and it also helps support our show because um we are not call her daddy we are not any show that has like five ad breaks and like so many like where you just know you you don't see us in penthouses with um like florida ceiling windows so um yeah oh what else oh follow our instagram follow our own individual instagrams um if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com again under three minutes write it down practice and make sure you're 18 or over have your parents permission and don't forget to include your age and your pronouns in um the voicemails is there anything you'd like to plug no if you want to buy

my presets check them out um and uh buy my book as well and i also updated my presets highlights if you want to see what presets look like on people who don't look like me and a little tips and tricks and things that i do they're all there love it so yeah and we will see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso real canadian superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's

sliced deli meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more.