Don't Blame Me! - S7E14: “Pick Me” Syndrome

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: how to break up with a financially dependent boyfriend Dating someone who isn't ready for a relationship Friend drama Roommate infringing on boundaries Don't Blame Them: self-soothing   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. I mean, brighten this up for those watching. She's peeling back the curtain. Give her a spotlight. Hi, my name is Megan Rinks, everyone. If you are new here, and I'm joined by my co-host, producer, the person who keeps this podcast, and me running, Melissa D. Moss. Hi. Hi, everyone. And you just celebrated a birthday, so happy belated.

Thank you. By the time this is up, it's belated, belated, but, right? Yeah. I mean. Because the last episode was the day before, so. Yeah. Yeah. That is true.

but you know so happy that actually no it was two episodes ago at this point because there's another one coming out on monday so oh yeah yeah yeah so it's belated yeah but i'm so happy that your mom gave birth to you shout out to angela you're you're a real one thank you so much i shot right out the vagina february 16th did you really shoot right out was it fast no because you're you you're the first i'm the first i'm the only one that came out the vagina but here's the thing is as i was being born i shit inside of my mother and so they had to quickly pull me out because if i would have swallowed anything i would have been poisoned and also that can't be inside the mother what's it called i don't even start with

an m yeah which is why my name starts with an m no don't do not disparage your do not disparage your family like that all of no it's the cutest fucking story ever i will not let you do this all of her sisters their names start with m because your mom had endometriosis and you were all miracle babies yes that's correct so fucking cute gives me hope that i'll hope be able to have kids you know one day one day i'm not gonna spiral about it right now i've been doing that a lot lately so happy belated happy you're here thanks for being here i wouldn't be here either i would know if you weren't here i would also not be here um and where is here for those of you who are new um this is don't blame me we're an advice podcast

we give fantastic amazing wonderful advice and we have a lot of credentials um we're certified bad bitches certified assholes certified cunts certified will tell you if you're being a dumb bitch certified freak seven days a week wet ass pussy yeah that's us exactly did you know we were the muses for that song um someone messaged me and asked they're like oh my god do you name your podcast after the taylor swift song and i was like no taylor swift named a song after our podcast she's a huge fan look look look at the dates that's all i gotta say yeah look at the dates just just check them on out yeah this is advice podcast you call in you leave us voicemails and then we give you advice we always give advice from um like like we would to our friends we're

very honest we're straightforward we're not big sugar coders um and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners good day might you can send us an audio message just record it on your phone and email it to us at meganpodcast at gmail.com and may the odds be ever in your favor it always helps if you write it down first uh that way it's very concise and uh you get all the information down and if there's something that's like within a certain time frame please let us know what the time frame is because that helps us also include your uh pronouns and your age because if you are under 18 you need your parents permission and if you're under 18 i i expect your mother susan to hop on the voicemail

and say hi this is susan michaela's mom she has my permission to call in about this and then i expect a visual of your mom just like listening to you recording that would be pretty iconic um oh and you got to keep it under three minutes which is also why it's great to write it down so you can practice and make sure you're not leaving out important information you won't get cut off and you get cut off by the actual like google voice number not us so we don't hear what happens afterwards so what's it with you anything what's happening in the life of uh of queen melissa i have been getting in bed by 12 which is a new development and that has not happened in years like the last two years i think it's been like that so um i'm not going to sleep but i just

don't have work like i've been finished with work by like eight and that is unheard of yeah unheard of so it's been great oh my god i'm so excited for you is that maybe maybe that's also contributing to the reason why you tried a new eyeshadow technique today oh yeah more sleep more inspiration your brain is like you can think about other things like your brain is time to wander i had a scary moment like two weeks ago where i had a meeting with someone and then had the follow-up meeting and i don't even remember having the previous meeting oh you went though okay i thought yeah yeah i was there no no no i was there but i don't i don't remember having the first meeting at all when was the first meeting like a week before that so i'm i was like

okay time to sleep yeah wow like i literally have no recollection there we were in the second meeting they were talking about stuff and i was like i i pretended like i knew what was going on but i have no recollection of having the meeting dude sleep deprivation will do that to you like It's like, it's, I mean, horrible. You can go into fucking psychosis for not sleeping. Wow. Yeah. Well, I'm so happy for you.

That's very exciting. So we start all of our episodes with an update. So a caller who's been on a previous episode, we pop on over to Zoom. We dial them in. We talk to them and we get some details on what is currently happening in the situation. and this is i think a perfect example of us in our tough love exactly like this is this is i will work anyone who wants to say that we're fucking bitches and like we're being mean to people or like whatever i will just direct them to this because i'm like this is because

this is like we talk to this the caller how we talk to our friend like this is how i would talk to a friend and I think this is one of those things that when you are listening to this you have either been in their shoes or you've been the friend and like this is so relatable and it's one of those things that like you are just hoping hoping that the person is going to like take your advice um and I think this is one of the first times we've had an update where uh we're I guess we do still give advice in the updates but I think this is one that like I didn't think this i thought we were going to be somewhere else yeah yeah i thought we were going to be past this point but like yeah this is something that's still going through and i think

it's fucking realistic as shit yeah you know percent so this is from season seven episode five if you want to go back and listen to the original one um but they give an update so you can keep listening so in my original call I had asked for advice about how to break up with someone when you like live with them and share a car with them and when they're like financially dependent on you a little more specific so I've been in this relationship like two and a half years but there's a good two and a half years before that where everything was very toxic and chaotic and it was a lot of him lying to me about um always constantly seeing a bunch of other guys and then like lying to our other friends about how much we were actually involved together

and this started when you were in high school right yes uh like my senior year of high school and he's still the only like relationship I've ever been in and like basically the only guy I've been with and I was just like really really obsessed with him and he would like two or three times be like oh actually I'm completely in love with you oh my gosh like you're the one and then a day or two later completely take it back um and say oh like sometimes I look at you and I really want to kiss you and then sometimes I look at you and I don't so I don't know wow and then she's so cute too that's like i know you're so fucking adorable like i fucking like we already fucking hated this like i i'm ready to i'm ready to fucking throw hands sorry keep going

oh there's so many little anecdotes about uh that time so then a couple years into it a bunch of stuff starts happening with him where like he gets his car taken away and he has to move in with his mom and he loses his job and like just doesn't have a job for a couple months and then that is when he decides I like I do love you um I want to actually be your boyfriend and um kind of like we just kind of don't acknowledge that time beforehand when he did all that he kind of just calls it uh like the times when he was mean to me or when he didn't know that he loved me um and so very quickly into starting to officially date um we like move out and get an apartment together and he like shares my car and starts working at the job that i have um then eventually

i leave that job so then i have to work a night job so that we can switch off the car and in 2020 i tried to break up with him two times the first time did not go very well at all and he like completely collapsed on the ground um in our bedroom and he's like what am I supposed to do like I need to take him to a homeless shelter and all kinds of stuff like that and like get our dog away and so it was like just a couple days of being very awkward and sad in the house and then things happened and we got back together and a couple months after that we moved out and we were living with some of our friends and then during that while we were staying there I was kind of under the headspace of okay like if I break up with him here he's like staying at that

house with them but then of course that also didn't work and he kind of just kind of guilt tripped me into going back and I stayed at my mom's house for a couple days and then just ended up going back there and that led me to calling you guys a couple months ago and then i've called you twice with two updates so that's great um a couple weeks ago i don't remember exactly what started it he came into the bedroom because i was asleep like he had just gotten off of work um and started to fight about something he was just very very mad um and so then i started yelling back and then he started just purposely saying very hurtful things about like why I have no friends and why I complain that I'm lonely all the time but it's all just my own fault

um and said all this stuff and I was telling him just leave me alone just leave me alone like go stay in the living room I'll be in here whatever and he was blatantly saying like no no I'm not gonna leave you alone you want to just ignore me you were sleeping oh my god i got to the point where i was like okay i'm leaving i'm leaving the house and that's when he was like oh so you're just are you just gonna dump me are you just gonna leave me here and break up with me um and i said yes like we're done then fine and just got my stuff and left and literally just drove around for like three or four hours and he's a driver's license it was a full olivia rodrigo big moment and he was just like calling and texting my phone

and then like right before i come back home he calls me and is like i i know i was out of line like i understand and then he was like i'm gonna go to sleep just come back home and you can stay in the living room and like we'll talk everything out and like i'll make my plan in the morning so then I go back home like stay in the living room eventually he wakes up and comes out there and is just like oh I'm so sorry um I made a mistake I didn't uh I don't want to break up with you um like of course I want to stay with you um and basically acted like like he had broke up with me and that he was taking it back um and i kind of just like shut down and it was mostly him just like saying this whole speech for like 30 45 minutes and then me just being like okay

well can the rest of the day just be normal then and so it's been a couple weeks of just is he still there level um he's at work currently you have to break up you have i know i know but you have to like because he's just gonna keep gaslighting you because that's what that is like that like the whole him being like that's like this is like the kind of like deep and i've been there and like when you say the whole like will you just leave me alone like i've been there like that makes my heart break because it's like that the roles then when you're saying things like that that's a thing uh that's like that there that shows a power dynamic that it's like i if you turn into a kid you're like please

just leave me alone like just leave me alone it's like i'm not going to that's like with not taking account for your boundaries like anything like that and it's just so unbelievably toxic and like the kind of gaslighting where someone you get upset with someone and then they forgive you and then you're just there being like but i was the one who and it's like well no i'll take you back like it's okay like i can look past this and like that's when it gets like so into your fucking head and i promise you there is like someone who's out there for you who's so much better and this he's like he's not your responsibility at all and like if anything this like gaslighting and manipulation, all of that stuff. That's his true colors, the whole

like pleading and being sweet and all of that stuff. My therapist calls it love bombing, where it's like, they treat you like shit and gaslight the shit out of you. And then it's like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like, I love you so much. And like all of this stuff, like it's fine. And it just becomes that cycle over and over and over again. And like, he's not, he doesn't need you to protect him at all or like to take care of him because clearly the empathetic like collapsing on the ground like that's just manipulation you know like and that's like what that is and like the same thing for him being like oh this is why you're lonely and all of that stuff like he's trying to bring you down like so so so hard so you feel like you need him so then he can just keep fucking

mooching off of you and it like sucks because even like the not acknowledging the past like couple of years like prior to you like officially starting the date of being like oh that time like i wasn't sure if i love you that time like i wasn't that nice to you is so vastly downplaying like all of that and it sucks because like we say this all the time when it comes to like first relationships that especially ones that are toxic it's so hard to get out of those because it's the only thing you have it to compare to right so like your idea and like your whether it's like sexually or even just romantically it's like when I think of like when I was like my first boyfriend and I dated when I was like 16 up until I was like 17 or 18 maybe we did for like yeah like

probably a year and some time and I only ever associated love with him and so that was like that's what I thought of love like that's who I loved and it wasn't this like abstract like more complex feeling that could apply to like other relationships and it took me a long time to get over that and like be able to date someone else and like realize like oh I was only ever comparing and I was staying in this relationship or like thinking about him after we broke up and all of that because like I just associated you with those feelings like I didn't necessarily have you you weren't like the end-all be-all like representative of like who my ultimate love was but you were the only person I'd ever loved at that time so I wasn't able to separate the feeling

from the person and that like you you like you want don't you you want to break up with him yeah it's just like there have been so many times where I have like obviously when I called into you guys I've just like completely set it up then a hundred percent like okay then I'm gonna do this And then just completely freak out or just think, OK, well, maybe just one more calm date and then I'll do it tomorrow. So what's holding you back? Because it would like it would be different if we lived at different houses and it's like, OK, we're going to meet up and break up and then it's like we're going to separate. but it's like we're going to break up and then he doesn't have anywhere to go doesn't have a car so it's a lot of like like we're gonna break up but then still be together most likely like he

would still need to stay here so then I freak myself out about that and then I'm like I'll do it closer to when this lease is gonna be up I'll do it closer to when we're gonna move this time or just keep pushing it back and saying different things is he on the lease he's not on the lease here and that's not that's not yeah i feel like that's more of that's more of showing how much you're taking care of him because he's not on the lease he's not your he's not your child he's not your financial responsibility and though it may feel like that that that you have to be responsible for him you're not he's an adult man he has a job he can figure it out even if let's say he needed to live at a homeless shelter so be it while he's getting since that's the thing that

he used he tried to use against you so be it until he can get to like a point where he can financially support himself well he's making you feel like you have to that's the thing it's like it's not that you actually have to take care of him he's he's essentially assigning that role to you to make you feel like you do have to yeah literally in the past couple weeks since that first fight he like i've noticed it has so many times like either on the phone to other people or in conversation with me keep saying i don't know what i would do without you or it's just yeah and it's not true that's not true that's we're humans are very resilient people like he would figure it out and there's a reason why he is saying those things to be it's to get in your

head to make you feel like that when in reality like he would be he would be he would be fine to figure it out he's an a grown man he can figure it out yeah part of why i keep thinking like because you know i've brought up before like the financial things and like how he's sometimes made me pay for more things even though like we worked at the same job got paid the same but like you want me to pay more for bills and all this stuff and he always said it was because he was saving up for a car that he's obviously never gotten and he always just like figures out a way to gaslight me I guess and tell me that like no it's fine and then I end up still keep paying for more of the bills that he does

and things. What's his money going towards? Lately, a lot of clothes and video games. What's his real job? He can afford to live by himself or find a roommate. He has the money.

If you guys are making the same amount of money, you have a car, you're paying for everything, you're paying for the apartment. He has the money. he's just choosing to spend it on other things because he's using that financial gain to manipulate you. It's also called financial abuse. Like there's like, that's like, do you have like a friend or someone who like COVID permitting, like that could be test or whatever that could like come crash with you guys for like a couple, like a couple of days or whatever, and be there

just in the apartment when you're like, okay, we're going to break up. I'm done. And like, you you need to move out I will get the landlord involved if you don't get like you have until like and again I think the thing is like you give two weeks or something like here could move out in two weeks and then you said I don't know if your mom was close by but you had said that you had gone to your mom's maybe maybe it's just like going to your mom's and being like you've got two weeks and then when you come back after those two weeks you're there with like a friend or someone again COVID permitting and it's okay you you like your stuff needs to be out if it's not out we're moving your stuff out and we're like changing the locks and like that just it needs to be like i think you

need someone else there to just like be kind of witness to it it's so important for you to get out of this because you're the only thing the only reason why you're staying is this this feeling of like obligation and need of taking care of him which is a result of gaslighting i just you you you were you were so fucking cute and like you deserve so much fucking better than this piece of shit thank you you do you do and call us back like if you need some support or anything just call us back and let us know i'll break up with him yeah we've got your i'll break up with him if that's what i was gonna say if you want to put us on zoom when you're talking to him then do it

and you can do it I promise you you can you can you will I will and I will give you an update call

and this will be a whole new life I'm so looking forward to it and really if you do if you need someone to listen on listen in

on Zoom I'm very happy I mean like obviously you can minimize it so it doesn't have to see my face like but yeah you

I have so much faith in you and you're gonna be so proud of yourself once this is all through and you'll be like fuck yeah i'm a strong bitch because you are thank you for hyping me up for an hour of course and let us know how it goes and if you need any more help we are we are here we're just as charlie pooth says we're one call away damn duh am i hate i hate him yeah yeah um i wish the best for the caller and i know that

they're going to be able to get through this and it will be i can't wait for that call when they're on the other side of it i and we get those update calls and i love them and this one is like a longer time coming and it's going to be even better like it's just going to feel like so fucking good when they're out and it's going to oh i'm just so looking forward to it and i wish they lived near us so i could be that person who's just like sitting in the room being like get the fuck out move your fucking shit out yeah go go but we've been there oh yeah oh yeah and i and that was the whole thing like i needed my friends to be there hear it hold me accountable and again as someone who's been the friend for that for other people it's not an instant thing

like that i've done that with friends and it took a long fucking time for them to break up yeah and you know this it's not going to happen as we already know the first or the second or third time um but they'll get out of it yeah i know i know you can you can also tell in their eyes like they're like they're ready they're over it yeah fucking over it oh well should we get into our first call let's do it hey megan and melissa i am 21 years old i trapped the corn and calling from southern california i'm calling because i need advice on a boy who has had history with high school like i mentioned i'm 21 he's 24 he's a great career as an entrepreneur lives in austin texas does very well financially he's just a very fun person um overall anyway we've had some rough

patches back in high school where we would casually air quote date um he wasn't always honest about still being with his ex he would also do shady shit like tell me he's gonna take me out on a date make these really nice plans and then never show up to pick me up super fucked so fast forward to 2021 he's reached out wanting to find me out to uh text us so we can catch up i said that he had a lot of convincing to do because i have my card up because of all the selective mistakes and decisions that he's made uh he proceeded to tell me that he wasn't the same person um he's grown and wants to show me and prove to me so i'm going to read you guys these text messages because i just want your honest opinion so he said i'm not

the same high school kid i'm sure you're not the same girl for some reason you still keep crossing my mind and i can't keep fucking that up i told him that we both had some growing up to do but i wanted to give him another chance and it would be nice to catch up after so many years he said give me a time and i promise i'll spoil you make up for the timeness that i should have spent with you age also came into play and i'm sorry i couldn't i'm sorry i couldn't do what i would have liked to do with you if i could go back i would have made you mine so i guess in my mind i want you rewrite those wrongs at least see what i missed out on and pissed at myself because i know you're not like anyone else and I took it for granted I told him straight up that I had my guard up and

all the reasons why I was honest and truthful so he said um if you sent me a text saying to get you out here tomorrow I would that's a way to prove it to you and and how seriously I am no problem not saying tomorrow's the time nor when to come I just know I need to show you and prove to you I think I'm one of the few who could really show you what you're missing I'll even come to you if it's easier so I told him that I would feel much better if he would just come out to me first for a weekend we can see how things go catch up I just want to be my own element because I get really bad anxiety dating I don't know what it is maybe I'm just not confident in myself anymore but I told him that he should come visit me and if things all go well and we can work things out then I would

I'd probably be more comfortable going to see him. I just want to want some dating advice to help me feel more confident. Is he bullshitting me? Is he honest? I don't really know what to believe anymore. Should I just say fuck it because the world's ending? Just kidding. But let me know.

I really don't know what to think. I want to do it. My heart's telling me that I want to do it. But I just need some honest answers. And I feel like you guys are here for me. So thank you guys so much. Love the podcast. no like here's the thing is if he wants to prove that he's a better person why does you why do you

need to be in person and do that yeah why are you being so weird and pushy about like i'm gonna spoil you and do all like all he's doing is talking a big game when in reality if he wants to show you that he's like which again that's what he did before when you were in high school he'd like talk a big game and then never follow through like he's actually actively just showing you that he's exactly the same person the exact same person you would be like low-key and just like be like hey like i would love to catch up like let's like facetime like no pressure like it would be like it wouldn't be this like extravagant like talking all these like this big game and all of that kind of stuff like he would be like also respecting the fact that like

you might just say fuck off and he should just be like rekindling like a friendship and like talking to you and all of that but like i'm saying that he's gonna fly you out and spoil you ew like why does he need to physically do something to show you that he's a different person you don't like buy gifts to show or whatever whatever his definition of spoiling is or like smother you like you don't that's not how you show somebody that you're a different person you get to know them as a friend and then you yourself decide if they're even worth your time and i don't think in i don't even think that you realize you're worth in any of this like you you want you you're allowing him to say these things and you're entertaining him for all of this

and it's just like no you can't how can you expect somebody to be different like yes you know people do grow up like being 24 is a lot different than an 18 year old most people grow up but his his words are not translating into any type of action that would show me that he's a different person no and did you guys have sex in high school because if you did uh i could see it going either way but this sounds like a guy who is horny doesn't have any options where he's currently at and he's going through the phone book going through who he who he either it's either who he's already had sex with and it's like oh who's someone that i can i can fuck again this person or you guys didn't have sex in high school which i had this with a guy that i dated uh in high

school that like afterwards i was like i was a virgin we never had sex um and then had like another long-term boyfriend we had sex we broke up and homeboy came back around so fast it was like i just want to see like you know like and like he goes to me like before i say i just want to see like you know what what i like what we were missing out on i go you want the pussy that's like that's what you're like a woolly never had sex like i'd like to see i'd like to like do that now because i've always always wanted to and we didn't um and that's just like this is so to me this is so transparent and he's like playing on your feelings of like pick oh this is a guy who didn't pick you in high school who's now coming back around and being like you're the one that

got away like i'm picking you and all of that shit like he's saying everything to get you to like feel a certain way about him that has nothing to do like you said has nothing to do with like his actions who he is as a person and also the first thing if you're ever going to even fucking try and do this it should never be like his response like well i was really young no no he just made an excuse he just made an excuse it should be like i was a piece of shit like there is no excuse for the kind of stuff that i did and i completely understand if you like would never want like you aren't interested in this but i would love like if you would like if we could just like talk and try and pursue a friendship yes pursuing a friendship because he doesn't even

know you like you guys haven't been talking except for these text messages i guess but he doesn't know you so how does he even know that he likes you if you guys don't have friendship as a foundation that's what i don't buy about this like that's the whole thing it's like this is one of those too good to be true things and like maybe you really romanticized him back in the day so like for you it's like well he might have those exact same kind of like feelings and all of that but like you're romanticizing the idea of a person that you used to know not someone now and i think you need to fucking ignore like 16 17 year old you who's like oh my god like he's finally coming back around he's picked me there's no greater feeling than someone who like fucked you over

or like you always had feelings for coming back around and like trying to get with you but if that's if your immediate like response isn't just like oh my god go me and go fuck yourself you're still in it you're still too in it and that's not honoring your current feelings that's you're stuck in the fucking past like that's what we talk about with closure when someone loops back around how you know you're fucking ready for how you know that you're gonna actually that it's real you can receive it you don't give a shit you don't give a shit it doesn't change how you feel about the person and doesn't make you have feelings for them again. It's that like, ha ha, thank you and fuck you moment. But this is not that like he's still playing on your feelings. And he is in

asking you to come fly to Texas from Southern California, or for him to go from Texas to Southern either way, to fucking hotspots. All he is doing in that is telling me, Hello, I am still a shitty selfish person who's just trying to get my dick sucked but also you're the same way though because you you're not blinking about the possibility that you're like oh no it'll be okay if he comes to see me no it's not okay we're in a pandemic like this isn't cool at all and also like do you think that you're the only one that he's reaching out to that's why i said it it's not it there's a reason why if you're going for an out-of-state fucking booty calls because you've exhausted all of your local booty calls and so like you think that like he's gonna fly here

get tested quarantine for 14 days and then you guys are you're gonna hang out like hang out you're gonna quarantine for 14 days and then you're going to hang out in your apartment that we're assuming you live in alone so no one else is being there no no no no that time all that time preparation this time you guys can just be facetiming while he's still in texas and the reason why he's not pursuing that and doing any of that is because he's not trying to like that that will make his intentions very clear like he does no does like even if he like i promise you if you spend like a solid like weeks on weeks on weeks facetiming for hours a day you're gonna be like oh i'm not into him or oh he's not that into me and like but and best case scenario

you think he's great and he thinks you're great yeah but like that's that's best case scenario but that's not what his intentions are that's not what he wants no the reason why he's trying to fly to see you is not some romantic gesture to prove how much he's into you he wants to stick his fucking dick in you that's what he wants to do yeah this is the epitome of like he's bank he's making you believe that you're the one who got away and that's the feeling that he's giving you and the feeling that you're having because that's how he's painting it when in reality he needs someone else he he's he's replenishing his bench he has exhausted his options where he's at also i'm just gonna say when someone refers to themselves as an entrepreneur as a 24 year old

dude i hate that i don't even want like i don't want even though i am an entrepreneur i don't want to be called an entrepreneur like don't fucking call me that like ceo yes literally but like there's something about just like saying that you're especially at 24 years old just like saying you're an entrepreneur he probably like you got daddy's money and now you flipped a house or he's like selling music on soundcloud oh my god ew i bet he is you need to have more i fucking hate the saying like you need to have more respect for yourself but you need to have like more of like you need to be more in touch with worth your worth and like who you are now and versus like detaching yourself from who you were when you were younger and that can be like very hard and

something like i've had to like learn in therapy or whatever that like you you don't need to fix young you you don't need to like right the wrongs you don't need to like redo any of those situations and scenarios to feel picked and all of that stuff because like what happened happened and that's not going to change the past and yeah you need to recognize that like we're in a pandemic and there's no way to do this isn't romantic there's no way to do this safely and the fact that he is so wanting to do this now shows that he also doesn't care about your safety or anyone else's safety about his either no exactly and that's like this isn't it like this is not it like this would be romantic if like you know like someone that you used to talk to in high

school has always had feelings for you you guys start messaging you start texting and then you start facetiming and you have these like cute facetime dates and you really get to know each other but like i'm gonna spoil you i'm gonna fly here all of that he's showing his hands so so clearly and i think it's enticing to you and he's just he's just this is not this is it it It ain't it. It ain't it. Don't get on the plane. Don't let him get on a fucking plane and just just ghost him. You know, that's the power moves back. Yeah, just fucking ghost. Okay, should we go on to the next? Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm calling because I'm stuck on a guy and I don't know if I need to let him go or continue to talk to him. I'm a 30 year old Aries

and he's a 29 year old Leo. Backstory. I broke up with my toxic narcissist ex of a year at the end of May last year and took a lot of time for myself over the pandemic, which included getting a therapist and doing a lot of self-care. I downloaded some dating apps when I felt I was ready and just needed to shamelessly flirt with someone. I matched with this guy right after Christmas, and we hit it off immediately. We're both on the same page about politics, music, TV, fitness, food, and most importantly, pandemic safety.

We had three Zoom dates before agreeing to meet in person, and once we finally met, it was clear there was a lot of chemistry between us. It's been a little over a month of constantly texting throughout the day, and we've hung out in person three times, and the last time we did, we finally had sex. It was nerve-wracking for both of us, and we both had trouble getting off, but we eventually got there. I've told him many times that I don't date and sleep with people casually because I tend to get emotionally attached really quickly. He's only seven months out of a nine-year relationship and has told me that he was planning on staying single for a while, but that I, quote, kind of fucked up that plan. I know it takes a long time to recover from a long relationship. I was with my first ex for seven years, so I totally understand where he's coming from.

We've both stated that we're interested in seeing where this goes, and neither of us are talking to anyone else. However, I can feel myself getting very emotionally attached already, and I can tell he's not there yet. I confronted him yesterday and said I might need to pump the brakes because I'm trying to protect my heart. And he was very understanding and mature about it. He said, quote, I like you too much to rush into something I'm not ready for, and I think it's good you're being cautious because I would hate for you to get hurt. I feel like there's a lot of potential for a good relationship here, but it seems very clear that he's not ready for that yet.

My questions are, do I wait it out and hope that he eventually feels ready to lock it down, or do I break it off and let him sort himself out and try to move on? Is there a way I can put less pressure on both of us while still enjoying his company? i would really appreciate any advice you can give me thank you i'm passionate about this subject okay you know this there is this um thing that happens and this is going to be like a very heteronormative statement but a lot of women don't feel like they can be they don't want to be crazy they don't want to be pushy they don't want to be overbearing they don't want to be asking for too much and they also don't want to be like clingy or desperate and like desperate is like

the big big word here and so what happens is uh you date guys who say that they're like you know just trying to take things casual take things slow and all of that stuff and it becomes like okay i'm i'm that's what i want too that's what i'm that's how i'm doing this too and you start like lowering your expectations and lowering your like standards and what you want and compromising what you want for what the person is able to give you and i think a lot of women and this has come from like me having endless conversations with friends about this that don't like when when someone tells you that they've been in a long relationship and they like don't want anything serious that's a fact and you can't change that and that's not something that everyone says like i have

straight guy friends who go on dating apps or meet girls and then they ask like girls like what are you looking for and they're like i'm looking for a relationship but i think a lot of women don't think that guys say that and so we have to we feel like we have to decode what they're saying and then take that for to mean that other thing where it's like well he's not looking for anything serious right now but like I'm not I'm not I don't need to like be his girlfriend immediately like we're just like getting to know each other and then it could maybe get there and it's not going to get there because he's kind of already given you the blanket statement right off the bat like this is not something I'm going to be ready for and it doesn't matter how great and how cool you

are if he's not ready to be in a relationship it's not going to change that at all yeah and the next person that he whenever he dates someone when he is ready for a relationship they're not they're not better than you they didn't do anything different than you it's just that they were ready it's him it's not it has nothing to do with you it's all and if you think that you again you could be together like later on this could be a great relationship you have to end it right now you need to date other people talk to other people move on and then when he is done being single like enjoying being single and if he wants to come back or if he if then then you guys can date but I think also that fear of oh I don't want to let this person go

also means I don't think they're going to come back and I don't think that if when they're ready to not be single i don't think it's i don't think this is gonna be it and there's also something to be said about and i've had this with someone where it did not work out but like i was into them they finally got single i was trying to pursue them they like just were like no no no and they were like nice about it but like we didn't go out didn't go out and then the second that they were ready they were like hey i want a date and i was like whoa but like okay this is i wasn't into it at that point but like that is some like i i respect that person for doing that so like didn't string me along at any point like we never i was never confused or feeling like i was compromising

what i like what i was like interested in what i wanted because like in the nicest way possible he didn't give me the time of day because he was like no i really like like you but i i really want to be single right now and I don't single me like having fun is I'm not going to fuck that up with you and that was like a very nice thing and like but again and then like two years later I wasn't interested at all anymore and like that's also like a great thing that like I'm so I'm so glad that it was like oh wow but a couple years ago if you would have told me like if he had told me like hey you know like but when i'm single he never said that i was like well i'll come back around he didn't do any of that but i i think it would have been just such uh you you're when you're so

in it in that moment that's all you can fucking see like i couldn't fucking see myself liking anyone else i really liked it and then by the time comes back around have no feelings at all but you have to take people especially in these situations for what he's saying because i think a lot of the time we can be like, well, his actions don't match up. We're talking all the time. We're having like, we're hooking up. He's not seeing anyone else that still matches what he said. That's not, that's not leading you on. That's not doing anything different. And that can be a really hard pill to swallow that like, if he's not ready for a relationship, the only thing that would be contradicting is if he said, Hey, I want you to be my girlfriend. And now we're an

exclusive relationship. That's confusing, but sleeping with you, not sleeping with other people being exclusive like he's still living up to what he said and you're able to check yourself and know that you're getting like far more attached and like you are really into him you need to break up break yeah because you're not being fair to yourself at all you're gonna like still be like attached and holding on and you've got to release yourself and it needs to be on you because he's told you what he wants you gotta take a step back and um figure things out on your own yeah he's not figuring out with him isn't gonna do any one of you any good no and you guys can still really like each other and like that's okay but if you keep at this it's just going to explode

then you'll never ever ever even think about coming back together once you're both in the same headspace and i i yeah i would i peace the fuck out peace the fuck out also i would evaluate when you're swiping right on dating profiles and when you're talking to people what their what their profiles say that they're interested in when you talk to them before you meet up in person asking them what they're interested in and if you are interested in dating if you are interested in like a relationship and i say this as an abstract because again i have a lot of friends who are like well i don't know if i want a relationship with them i was like yeah but you want a relationship like who knows if you want a relationship with them obviously that's why you would go on a date

but like it and like find like right off the bat be like oh no i'm i'm looking like i have been out of relationship for a while like i'm looking for like i'm looking to like i'm looking for something serious i'm not really looking to casually date around and don't go out with anyone who isn't saying the same thing because like some dudes will lie yes and like say that like yeah i'm looking for that and like they're actually not and like those are complete and total fuck boys and assholes but there's a lot of people a lot of guys and women anyone in general whatever whatever your gender is like who are going to be straightforward and honest and say like no i'm looking for a relationship and again i have straight guy friends who then a girl big oh i'm looking for something

casual and they're like oh i'm looking for a relationship and the girl like oh i'm actually looking for a relationship too i don't want to sound desperate yeah and i'm not on dating apps right now but I think like in the near future I probably will be and I'm gonna be like truthful like I want to date like I want not just date I want to be in a relationship because I'm past that now like I've had all my fun and that's kind of I feel like that's the same thing with like the things that women think dudes think are like they've like done what they all they want to do and now it's time to settle down and like i'm at that i'm at that point now so so you just have to be honest yeah and you don't if you're truthful from the beginning you won't waste each other's

time or doing like risk yourself catching feelings and having your heart broken yeah and again this misconception that like all men are just saying that like no i want something casual and then it turns into something more no and again saying that you want a relationship this is the patriarchy that is ingrained in us that makes us sound desperate and it's like oh this girl's trying to wife me up and like get like get pregnant with me like immediately it's like i'm sorry brad i didn't say i wanted a relationship with you but like a relationship relationship with a good guy a good guy deserves me yeah it's just if it's the guy that's saying that then that's not the guy that you're supposed to be with no and just you got to listen to people when they

say what they're looking for and know that like you can't change them no matter how great and amazing and cool that you are and know that for every guy who's saying like oh i'm not looking for anything serious there is a guy who is looking for someone serious but the more you talk to the guys who say they're not looking for anyone serious the longer it's going to take you to to be able to talk to the people gotta weed through it you do you gotta fucking you gotta go fast you gotta fucking fast like don't invest early messages and in people like you do a funny back and forth. Ha ha ha. What are you looking for? I think that's like first a couple things you said. And it sounds like, Oh, yeah, I don't know. I'm just like trying to like casual, like

not really looking for anything serious. And it's like, Okay, cool. I'm looking to like date. I'm like looking for a relationship. Hit me up. It's like, later down the road, you're done with if you'd like to like go on a date sometime. And then you move on, you message someone else, you message someone else, but you can't especially if you know you get attached, you can't plant seeds in people before you've had those conversations with them. and before you know that you're compatible with them and like know that you want the same things because that's how you get invested.

And then you're like, fuck. Yeah. Diversify your income. Diversify your dick. That's a sweatshirt. I like it. I like it a lot. Okay, we are going to take a quick break

and we'll be right back. okay we are back from our break and we're gonna get into the rest of our calls this is gonna be an mid asshole i'm 26 years old i'm a cancer this involves a 25 year old virgo male and a 20 year old female aries i'm gonna refer to them by their signs because i don't want to say their names um this happened all pre-covid and then fast forward there's a little bit going on right now The Virgo boy is one of my childhood friends. We've always butted heads during the situation. He's had a girlfriend the whole time.

Aries is someone I met through work and started hanging out with my friend group. I know she's young. It became a problem. For several months leading up to this, when our group would go out, Aries used a fake ID, which is so cringy. Virgo and Aries would be too close, sitting next to each other, talking to each other, dancing, taking shots. And every time I would make it a point to say, hey, how's your girlfriend?

Or can we not do that? Or something similar. and every time we would talk after and they would say they didn't realize the perception but wouldn't want to be seen that way but it just kept happening the neither of them ever told me I was wrong or to mind my own business the last time something happened Virgo tried to bring Aries home from a night out and I blew up with them since then my relationship with Aries has been really strained she keeps everything to herself and doesn't share a lot with me and Virgo has been completely cut from my life because please stop trying to cheat on your girlfriend with young

girls. Fast forward, I get a text from Virgo that his girlfriend and him broke up. It was entirely my fault, even though I've never spoken to her. I antagonized him and Aries for no reason for months, and I'm toxic and manipulative and weird for caring because they're adults. When I discussed this with Aries, she said she wasn't going to speak for him, but wasn't mad at him for leading her on while he had a girlfriend. I didn't understand, but I know she's young, so I tried to give her grace. I was offended that she couldn't say that she didn't think that about me as well but she had no problem with him from this point I thought they were amicable but not necessarily speaking because he never spoke to anybody in our friend group and she still was

I got a call out of the blue from one of Virgo's friends saying Aries got her fake ID taken away on a date with Virgo so I blew up again I don't like distrustful people and I wouldn't tell her that she could or couldn't date him but I would expect her to share something like that with me and since then Virgo and Aries older sister have been harassing me saying I can't take my friendship from her i have no reason that he's bullying calling me names threatening to beat my ass and that i'm too old to be picking on someone her age this whole time aries has been radio silent when i tried to explain how i felt she only said i'm sorry you feel that way i disagree but won't denounce how virgo and her sister have been treating me this is from their character and

doesn't make me want to be their friend at all my best friend agrees with me but my boyfriend thinks i should have minded my own business from the start so i have to ask am i the asshole here thank you for all your help can we do an entire podcast just called am i the asshole yes yes 100 i was thinking that the whole time oh my god all we do is come up with other ideas of podcasts we should have yes wow um wow here's the thing i think that your intentions are in the right place especially looking out for a younger girl but um she shouldn't have been going out with you i mean i did it when i was 20 i would go out with a fake id but like she shouldn't have been going out look in retrospect i shouldn't have been going out this girl shouldn't have been going

out you were trying to look out for her also like this dude is basically like gross being a predator yeah going after a girl that's five years younger than him who's out drinking who shouldn't be drinking he has a girlfriend like everything about the situation is just wrong but like i think at this point you've said everything that you need to say and now i think you need to just back away because they are adults they can make their own decisions you've made your stance um well known they're not going to listen to you and you should just let them be the be in their own little toxic vat over there and i wouldn't even be friends with them at all no i think this all this is this is really proven that like these you shouldn't be friends with people and you don't

want to be friends with these people i think that i mean i would have done the exact same thing and so i think if you weren't if the quote-unquote you weren't minding your own business or whatever you would have you would have reached out to his girlfriend and this is so clear that this was in front of your face this is a girl who's drinking underage this is a girl who you're friends with and a guy who you're also friends with who you know has a girlfriend it's a predatory nature it's he's cheating on his girlfriend and this is happening in front of you this is not you getting involved in something that's not your business they made it your business and what's not your business is his girlfriend who you've never met you never talk and talk to her you never reached

out to her you never did anything like that that would have been getting in and again i also wouldn't have faulted you for that either but like you're looking out for this girl and you're also like not wanting your friend to like be a piece of shit and these are the kinds of conversations that you when you have with people that like it shows their true colors because like the way that i would have expected this to go which i'm assuming you did you would have too as a girl would have been like thank you for looking out for me like you're right like this is just like that is like not a good thing like girlfriend thing like that is gross and him being like yeah you're right like that's fucked up i shouldn't have done that but the whole turning it on the

end of it exactly and it wouldn't have to be anything else but like the whole like turning the script on you and being like oh my god it's all your fault that my girlfriend and i broke up and all of that it's like okay so all you're showing me here is that like you are a piece of shit you have been a piece of shit this whole fucking time and like you can't take any responsibility and you're gonna put it on me who's like never even fucking spoken to your girlfriend before like what the fuck do you want from me like I I think that like this is definitely something Mott's would have said this like Mott's is like the epitome of like I'm just not gonna get involved and I'm like why like what do you mean you're not gonna cuss out your friends for like doing x y and

z or whatever like you said like you've said everything that you needed to say these people are shitty people they're not your friends block his number block her older sister's number ignore them and be happy that the demise of your friendship came not because of something that they necessarily did to you but that their true colors were seen and that they arbitrarily like they just showed themselves as being shitty people you don't have to find out because they treated you shitty you've seen this shitty behavior and now that you've like pulled away and you're like yeah fuck this now they're coming after you with even more of their shitty behavior targeted at you but this is this is just their true colors and i don't think i think looking out for younger girls

is uh something that we should never stop doing and even if you've like been burned by it or anything of someone who's like didn't want your help or didn't want you to look out for them that's okay that happens but like that doesn't mean that you should stop doing that but i think this will be a great lesson like later on like not to go drinking with girls who anyone who's underage like that's no that's not a thing and then if you feel like you have a responsibility to take care of someone as a friend that's not really a friendship anymore like that becomes like parenting and policing your friend's actions is not your responsibility and i'm i'm a big fan of saying something when you see something and someone's doing something shady calling them out

on it but then if you see it's a pattern of behavior then it's like okay i can't change that thing i can change i'm not gonna be friends with you anymore because i don't like this person yeah yeah totally and also like you stopped him from taking her home at one point when she was drunk under she was drunk and underage and like he should be fucking thanking your ass he should be thanking you but now he's blaming you for the breakup with his girlfriend like it would have inevitably happened because he's a piece of shit guy and uh his girlfriend should be like thanking you to be honest and also like you've said you've never talked to the girlfriend before so like what does that have to do with you literally i think what you should do stop being friends with him

stop being friends with her and then reach out to the girlfriend befriend her see what she's like maybe you guys will get along seems like it yes you're not the asshole no you were the hero in the story and sometimes with heroic acts comes divided friendships and fuck them fuck them fuck them on to the next hi megan melissa um i am a 21 year old libra a junior in college i'm calling about a roommate issue of course so um i am currently rooming which i feel bad because I should have known this and roomed in with what I thought was my best friend ever since I came to college. And I'm having a lot of issues with her essentially crossing my boundaries

and not caring or disrespecting me over and over. So one thing that happened, I have had issues with her eating my food, even though I've told her or I've had to tell her, hey, please don't touch my shit. And she continues to eat my food after I had told her. Another issue that I'm facing is that with Corona specifically, I thought we were on the same page when we moved into an apartment after living in a dorm as neighbors together for two years. And literally when we moved in, I thought we understood COVID the same way we're going to follow the guidelines. However, she started bringing random strangers into our apartment. and the first time she did it I had to tell her hey I'm really uncomfortable when you do this

because personally I have all virtual classes and she has in-person classes so I'm already at risk I told her hey this is my safe space like please do bring anyone that I don't know besides our mutual family members and she I told her that I felt really good she again brought random people into her apartment and I had to tell her again. And I'm just having this problem where she continues to do something that goes completely against what I had previously told her not to do. I don't know how to reach her. I keep having to have these exhausting and super emotional conversations with her. And it's really draining because I know that she doesn't actually care. um for more context she is a Sagittarius which yikes um but I could really use some help I

really need some guidance because I don't know how to reach her and at this point she keeps disrespecting me just as a person outside of being her roommate and supposedly her best friend um I'm stuck listening with her until July so I have to figure out something to do thank you so much i look forward to hearing your guys advice bye i hate when people eat my food i despise it i think it's the most abhorrent disrespectful like disgusting i it is horrible i think it is the guillotine it's guillotine it's like if you're gonna eat my shrimp you need to replace it with fucking lobster within 20 minutes and exactly like it needs to be i can't miss it ever i can't miss it and you have to make up for like interest like you can't just eat something and

then replenish it the next time we go grocery shopping no like no like it and it needs to be like for a specific reason like you're so hungry and you just don't have time but like you're gonna eat it now but like you've already ordered like the food to be replaced it's on its way and you've asked and i said yes yep oh real canadian superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season save on lunchbox savers like ziggy sliced deli meat products for always 375 and get life brand pure vita shampoo or conditioner for eight dollars each at real canadian superstore when you're ready we're ready with a whole world and more my god and then on top of that just bringing people over yeah this yeah this is i mean we

always say don't live with friends it does seem though like i will give you credit that like it seems like one of the reasons why we say it's hard to live with friends is because it's hard to create those boundaries you're creating those boundaries like good good on you she's just crossing them and so what you need to do now is recognize okay she's not i need new boundaries so a new boundary and this it fucking sucks but a new boundary might be you get a mini fridge and you put it in your room in your specific bedroom and that's where your food goes in my old place um my roommate wasn't she wasn't she would always ask if she could use my food and it got to the point where she was asking me so much that it was just like why aren't you getting your own food

and so I got a cabinet and I put it in my room and I put my food I would call it my quote-unquote kitchen and I would put all my food in there all my dry foods in there and then um freeze my other stuff because then I knew she'd have to thaw it out so smart yeah that's really smart yeah this is just one of those things that like you do have to like it sucks when someone doesn't meet your doesn't respect your boundaries because then usually then you have to work twice as hard and like spend fucking money on getting a cabinet or getting a like mini fridge or doing all of that kind of stuff um and then i think your lease is up in july and so you ask hey can you let me know when you're going to be bringing people over like give me a heads up and if she's because she's not

respecting you not like but then if you know that someone's coming then you stay in your room you don't come out um and it's not about being okay with her doing it at all you can still express like hey i really like i hate this by the way like this fucking sucks i don't feel safe here like this is not like I'm not okay with this at all and she'll know that but then knowing that if she's not going to respect your boundaries that you need to create new ones and then that becomes like it sucks like yeah you stay in your room you're not going out into the living room or the common space and it fucking sucks but it's just about getting through July to the end like getting through to it yeah that's that's what I would I would say and it's hard with friends

because you you don't want to think that they're like outwardly like being an asshole to you or anything like that and you want to kind of give them the benefit of the doubt and like well maybe they didn't get it maybe i have to phrase it in a different way but at a certain point you just kind of have to cut your losses and be like okay i'm just gonna work around the fucking tornado mess that you are and this is how i'm gonna live my life it's gonna be a hassle for me for the next couple of months but and I also noticed something you said you said supposedly I'm her best friend it sounds like that you're over the relationship that like she's not even your friend anymore so if that's the case um I don't know if I'm reading too much into it but if that's the case

then just treat her like a roommate not your friend how many times have you and I said that where we're like oh yeah i'm their best friend like all the fucking time that's no you're right that's a good catch i think that's probably what this is and yeah you just treat her like the shitty fucking roommate that she is like that's all that there is to it you don't have to do like the pleasantries of friendship because she's not doing those yeah that's fucking sucks though and Don't live with your friends ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, unless they're your best friend that you're going to spend the rest of your life with. Now it is time for Don't Blame Them. And this is where a listener calls in with their own advice from a previous episode. So maybe they have their

own insight. They've experienced something personally. They caught something we didn't. they just they have something to say so what episode do they have shit to say this was from season 7 episode 12 where the original caller cries a lot and um her boyfriend is always trying to fix the situation but there's nothing to fix she's just a crier so here is someone calling with their own advice hi megan and melissa this is going to be a don't blame them for the most recent episode with the girl who just got out of a toxic relationship and cries a lot and her boyfriend really wants to help. So as both a crier and fixer, I feel like I have two poles of advice.

So on the crying end, though it's really important to communicate with your partner and I'm really glad that he wants to be there for you. Something that I have learned as a crier is that being able to self-soothe is really important. And I know that's a term that, you know, is usually used for babies. But being able to self-soothe just means that you are able to take yourself out of whatever you're feeling. So whether it's you're crying for a day on end, but at the end of the day and tomorrow when you wake up, you're going to feel better than what you did. Or even if it's like you take a week to yourself and you don't talk to anyone, that is a form of self-soothing.

knowing when or knowing that you're able to take yourself out of it it has been really helpful for me and you know um perhaps you can talk about in therapy and you can get tangible tools um to help with that and on the other end with your boyfriend I am also a fixer and like to make sure that people feel good and I kind of put that on myself um so I think when you talk to your boyfriend you could just say like look when I'm crying if I need you there and I need you to console me I will let you know but right now sometimes I just want to cry you could say I don't know if you're sensitive um I am so what I've told my boyfriend was like hey like sometimes I'm just sensitive and I need to cry and that doesn't mean anything inherently bad is happening

I just have a lot of bottled up emotions that I just need to get a cry out and then I'll be good to go. So that's kind of what Melissa, Megan, and Moss said, but I just want to reiterate that perhaps your boyfriend doesn't understand. He might not ever understand that, you know, if I need you, I'll let you know. That might be the great first step for him to understand, kind of back off a little bit, because I don't want you feeling bad for having emotions for and yeah good luck um i hope you've gotten some good cries out recently and yeah wishing you the best okay thanks bye-bye spot on i agree with everything i also think i don't think matz and i said this but i do think that um it could also sometimes people can feel like it's a trick

like the part the other partner it's like well i don't like uh they can be really empowering and liberating for them to know like hey if i'm upset with you or i'm like sad like i will let you know you don't have to like anticipate my action like or try and read my mind like i will let you know so that's also something that i think would be very helpful because i'm you mean a trick like as in like i'm testing you to see if you're gonna comfort me not necessarily a trick but it's like i'm expecting you i need you to do this and i'm not asking you to do this so i'm like i'm this is something that is expected of you that like if you if you leave me alone I'm gonna be upset versus being like no no I will tell you if I if I need you around but but I think a lot of

the time it can feel like unless we're really explicit about that that people don't want to disappoint us and so it can feel like oh I feel like I need to comfort you but because I feel like if I didn't comfort you then maybe you're mad at that then that would be my fault but like in reality like if we need to ask for what we need and then people can meet our expectations but trying to meet someone's expectations that they haven't said is also super exhausting yeah got it yeah so great advice thank you for um calling in and that is our episode that's don't blame me haha i just start singing a theme song every time um if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners

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