Don't Blame Me! - S7E16: I Can’t Stop Stalking His Ex

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: friend bailing on you Correcting morality in kids you nanny Best friend roommates now dating Problems in an open relationship Don't Blame Them:   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody welcome back to the podcast if this is your first time here welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome to aleria that's not the exact tune i don't know any of these references at all okay i'm gonna make a list of movies that we need to watch on our patreon and she's the man is oh well top there i mean she's the man i physically have your copy sitting right here because i already did this with you and i was like bitch you have it's been months maybe even a year actually i think it's been a year um so i mean i have it i haven't watched it yet me appalled you haven't watched it so i give you my hard dvd copy to watch and then forget about it you have to fucking watch it it is so we should do it we should do

like a patreon like one where we like watch it and like talk about it afterwards because i mott's also fucking loved that movie like it's so it's one of my all-time favorites wow gosh so um hi my name is megan my co-host who has never fucking seen she's the man is melissa hi and this is don't blame me we're an advice podcast we give fantastic amazing life-changing advice and we have our we've got a stacked credentials phd in uh cuntiness don't give a fuckness unbotheredness oh you get a little bothered and i won't say that wow i've been attacked and it's only that's just you're very passionate about certain things oh yeah yeah yeah yeah uh one of us is chill the other one is not it's me i said not chill at all

i was given you know a good adjective oh anytime someone's like oh i'm really chill i'm like can't relate literally no one is in my life has ever called me like laid back easygoing and chill that's not you at all that's me though yeah that is that is you and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode we uh would love that so leave us a voicemail at 310-694-3106 0976 yep oh my god everyone who's like a regular listener is just screaming every time i fucking forget the number because you all know it 310-694-0976 wow i am so sorry everyone um did you take your adderall today pretty sure okay i think so um i did see a tiktok though of someone who got a found like the dollar store otherwise i would have bought it but it's like a mini gumball machine and they filled

it with their pills and so then they turn it and they like get one every time and someone commented being like i just don't sort them i just put them all in there i surprised what i get that day oh no no they do have like actual pill sorting machines that you can buy yeah but i get i get like a gumball machine is pretty cool but like not getting the correct correct uh dosage is not no that's not a good that's not a good call if you want if you're an international listener we don't leave our international babes out so you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and for both of these things we ask that you are 18 or older have your parents permission um and you keep it to under three minutes otherwise you'll be cut off and write

it down channel your inner virgo come up with press me that is the quickest way to her heart is you write it down all details that's my love language oh it is and it is also your polar what how to not do it is starting saying oh this is gonna get i've been talking so much like this is gonna cut off this is my fifth time doing it and then melissa every time you can't hear but she goes you're wasting time you're wasting time every time so uh and also if you're an avid listener you can definitely tell which calls have been practiced and written out and you can time yourself to make sure you're getting it all in and um fuck i had something else oh this is the first episode back of me in la it is we've got your it's higher quality now because we're not

using the zoom video i would just love everyone on patreon who stuck through those videos i like would watch like certain uh like updates what was the update the peanut butter uh incest update sorry peanut butter incest is just like okay that update i re-watched it over and over and over again and i just want to thank you all for sticking by us with that quality and we are back hopefully this is better because I did drop my phone and now my iPhone camera thinks that I have a fake camera installed in my iPhone which makes no sense so we'll eventually have to get that fixed but it's going better phone is newish right it's brand new yeah I did drop it though we have an update which is how we start our episodes which is where somebody who has called in and been on

the show before they we like hop on zoom with them and have like a live chit chat and find out where they're at and so what episode is this one from season 6 episode 11 it's from august 10th 2011 and let's just get into it okay so my original call was about my friend that i was supposed to you know move in with but she backed out on me which really threw me off because I had all my eggs in that basket like I was counting on that and I was extremely upset and I kind of just like backed off you know for a few days I didn't respond because I didn't want to like be a bitch if it wasn't necessary so then I was like okay I understand um like you know finances are are you know rough these days like I get it um because she decided not to because she's paying

for her own school and she decided just to live with her sister and so I'm like okay I need to be understanding like okay like live with her sister for free yeah well not for free but like cheap really cheap friends and family discount yeah family discount so yeah and we're honestly like it was funny that you said at the time like she's not your friend and we're not really friends anymore because like for a lot of other reasons um like she got a boyfriend and now I don't exist so yeah that's fun and so now I'm like in this spot still I like it's nice to like I actually get to talk to y'all because I'm still in this problem like even though this was the summer still dealing with this problem I live with my grandma right now and it used to be like okay um because I used

to live with her when she lived in a house and she recently moved to an apartment and things have changed she lived in that house for over 20 years and we think that something happened like mentally for her that it's almost like she doesn't want to try anymore if that makes sense like she's getting older we're in this we're in this awkward phase of like there are things she can do but in order to keep her independent she kind of needs to put forth some effort and so she's been very heavily dependent on me when I'm around and I think it's a bit much at times um also like she's not good with technology so like constantly having to troubleshoot things with technology and everything so it's just it's really stressful it's also stressful to see like my grandma

like in this phase of her life so and then there's also the option of like living with my parents which I've tried that like I've gone back and forth the past few months because like if I need a break here I go over there and it's just there's so it's so different like here like she's not really in my business but she's very dependent on me and very like you know that situation then I'm over there and they're in my business like I'm trying to save up to get my own place um but as you know things are financially like I would be scraping the bottom of the barrel so yeah it's just it's rough and I've had some other roommate offers but they don't seem that promising so that's just where I am like do you think they don't sound that promising as like

personalities clashing or like it doesn't seem like it's actually gonna it doesn't seem like they're serious about getting a roommate and it's not actually gonna follow through yeah I don't think they seem that serious because one of my friends she mentioned it and then she's like well actually i think i want to buy a house and i'm like well relatable yeah i'm like oh okay so we're so you're in school right now right i just graduated okay is there any maybe you know this actually because you have had roommates post grad like is there a way to kind of find a roommate that you're not friends with after graduation you know yeah how did you find your roommate i mean your old roommate yeah my roommate that i found here in

la it was actually like through craigslist and that was a while ago so i don't know if that's still like a great way to play to find a roommate um but i there's i there's so many like websites i don't know i i mean you told me where you live and we won't keep that in there but i don't know hot pads is a thing where you are um but they have the website you can like make it so like there's like room shares and stuff and you can find people that way um so maybe look into that i think it's owned by apartments.com so i think it might be yeah so it probably is where you are um there are i would look and see if there's like websites for young professionals where you are I would put feelers out through like your like friends from all different parts of your life.

So if you have like friends from like a hobby that you did, like even people you might not necessarily be in like massive contact with now and not asking them like, hey, if you're looking for a roommate, it's hey, I'm looking for a roommate. if you know anyone who's also looking for a roommate i honestly think that's one of like the best uh roommate matchups is like okay i know this person and then they have no someone who's looking for a roommate and like you're not necessarily best friends with either one of those people and they're not necessarily best friends with each other but it's like okay not a serial killer not a serial killer hello live together and it can be kind of like feel a little safer in that sense because i completely like i feel for you like the the splitting your time between two places where they each they have their trade-offs like you're compromising something in

each kind of time and i would also say like not that you're saying this at all but i um i know people who had become like their parent or their like elderly persons like full-time caregiver and that is so emotionally and physically taxing and draining and there are people who do that professionally right and that's something that like no matter what anyone says should never be expected of you and like i think you have such a good like knowledge of like this is a lot like this is too much and like the also part of the reason why there are professionals is because like you do kind of need to have that emotional separation and like what like my my grandma passed my one of my grandmas passed away from dementia and that was incredibly hard to

watch and none of like and her one of her kids was her full-time caregiver at the end and like that's a really really hard position to put someone in so knowing that for like you knowing that that's something that like is not sustainable I think is like such a great like self-awareness and like such a great boundary and even though your dad does not like respect your boundaries at all like still knowing like being able to hold on to your boundaries even if nobody's respecting them and knowing that they're not respecting them but still being like well these are still my boundaries like is all you can ask and like that's like incredible but I think yeah you gotta I would I would work on roommates I think I think you need to I think like just to

get you in the right mental space just think about this this is only temporary this isn't something that is going to last for a long time you will get through this you will get out of it and think about it like you know like this is where I am to save money for right now and then when I get to where I need to be then I will be able to move you know yeah and I think if you can focus time on like simultaneously focus time on finding a roommate and then also like FaceTime dates with friends and all of that and keeping those kind of separate because it can be really hard I've been in that position where like I was and this was just me personally like I was like kind of struggling friend wise and then like had a friend and they were and I were going to move

in together and like I was like moving out of like a place that I really needed to move out of and it was like there was a lot of pressure on it and like they dropped they like same thing like dipped out immediately. Our friendship ended, which to be fair was a good thing. Um, and I realized how much, how much, uh, I was putting them in the same pot. I was putting like roommate and friendships in this like same thing. And so then when that didn't work out, it was a much bigger blow when in reality I could have also been fostering and like working on my friendships separately from like my living situation. And I think like, it's, I, I think it's great that you're like recognize like living alone in a studio is not for you right now but which is very fucking valid

as someone who's also lived alone um but uh yeah i think like like splitting your time of like okay i'm gonna be working like posting on like my i don't know if you have like a facebook or like your instagram close friends list being like hey like looking for a roommate if anyone has any like knows anyone else who's looking for a roommate like send me their info and then again like looking on different websites and seeing all of that kind of stuff, but then also planning FaceTime dates with your friends during the week and doing all of that kind of stuff to have that like mental break. And maybe like with when you're spending time at your grandma's asking her like, hey, while I'm working or during between these hours, even if you're not like working that

day, if you're like, I am busy between these hours and these hours, if you need anything from me, can you write down on a list and then give it to me on like friday of the things that like you need or you need help with or whatever so like you're not because i have a hard time when people keep asking me for stuff i can't like focus on one thing or like stay working so if she can like write everything down as it like comes up and even if it's like like she needs your help every day but it's like write all of this down at five o'clock knock on my door give this to me and then like I will do that at this time period but so it's not start and stop with your day and I think that could hopefully be helpful and it might take a while to like get used to that

routine there's probably things that don't fall in like there are things that are like timely and that stuff but like trying to create those kinds of like schedule and routine with her I think might be helpful if she's up to it and you're also up to it yeah thank you for calling us and talking us about all of this stuff, and I'm sending you good roommate vibes. Thank you so much. I appreciate it, guys. Bloop.

Bloop. Also, we just have to say, because I think, hopefully she's listening now, we didn't tell her this, but we did talk about how beautiful her eyeshadow was afterwards, and we both suggested that it would look great on you, Melissa. It would look great. It would look phenomenal.

I kind of have a little bit of something similar down here kind of that's nice but it's not i can see it on your other eye okay yeah i i you know in a big palette sometimes you mess up and don't remember exactly which one you pick do you ever do that and then you just like but you think you're good because one side of your face you're doing your makeup and there's like shadowy and so like you can't tell and then you get in the light and you're like two different shades happened yesterday very much so and then i like i realized it but then i was like too deep into like it and i wiped and it was just a mess

but whatever i lived with it it's over with it's gonna be on the youtubes so no it's stunning it's beautiful uh anyway um let's get in the first call woohoo that was cute thank you hi friends So, just to start out this call, I just want to preface that I'm a Sagittarius. So, it might not be that organized, but it's not too complicated of a problem. So, I think we got it. Just to start it all out, I'm obviously, as I mentioned, a Sagittarius, and I am 24, probably too old for this problem. And my boyfriend is 22 and an Aquarius. and

just to kind of hop into it I personally have been having the issue that I can't seem to stop just casually stalking his ex-girlfriend he's dated multiple people but there's just one that was like the longest one and his first one

and I just don't know why because we're different people I think from what I've seen I think we have similar interests but like We're very different people, and I know he was very happy to leave that relationship. So it's not like it's, like, maybe it is a form of jealousy, but it's not like I ever would think that he would go back with her or ever date her.

So it's not, like, out of fear. And I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this just kind of starting and not stopping. And just as a reference, I've been with him for almost two years. And this was a girlfriend that he dated in high school, and they broke up, like, right after. and um that's just kind of you know the timeline on how long it's been uh but yeah i just would love some advice on how well if you think it's a problem one and two if you have any tips on how to stop doing this because i feel like it must not be good for my mental health i don't feel like it's doing anything to me like i can't pinpoint anything specific but i'm sure it's

not great for my mental health um so i just would love some advice and as a reference she's a leo so megan it probably makes sense to you but yeah she's a leo and a stripper now so she's just hot but yeah thank you you have a crush on her i was literally just like maybe you have a crush on her like yeah she sounds hot and like and it could be one of those things that like maybe it's not necessarily like sexual or romantic crush but in the sense that like you like don't know what your sexual orientation is but it might just be like a wow this girl's like really hot and i'm shocked at my boyfriend's like not that my boyfriend's dating me but it's like wow like this like

you you're appreciating her like beauty and like maybe there's an insecure part of you that's kind of like leaning into that being like why the fuck do you break up like look at her she's fucking and like die but maybe you should have a crush on her yeah that was literally my instinct the whole time yeah that i was cool i was like i it sounds like you have a crush with thing you were like she's just hot and then hung up the phone i was just like um ma'am uh yeah maybe i might like get off on the fact like you know that somebody that i'm currently dating was dating somebody is so hot and it's just like it's a turn on for me that could be the situation yeah uh i mean if it's not if it's not causing a hindrance to your relationship i think it is though then i would be

fine if it's not then you know could be fine to continue doing it but if it is then you just got a blocker that's what you've got to do because it's not like you say you don't know what it's doing to your mental health but you clearly have an issue with it so yeah it can't be great so you got a blocker yeah i mean i think what they said like it's so spot on it becomes a habit like that's like i've i've been there with like lots of different kinds of people and it just becomes like oh they're in your suggested search and then it becomes a part of your like daily routine that you just start like looking and i always say with this kind of stuff give yourself like a month of not searching them and not looking at them and it'll get easier you just have to

break the habit and i think blocking is like a great way to do that and also this is like high school ex-girlfriend she's also not gonna fucking know that you blocked her you know it's like it's not like that's not dramatic or starting anything and after a month if you want to like unblock her and like see like and then like have like that okay i'm not gonna like go look and search i would also say if you're hiding it from your boyfriend that's like if he doesn't know that you like repeatedly are looking at her all the time that is something that to me would indicate that there's like a bigger issue here that you also need to address in your relationship because uh that innocent kind of thing if he's like what are you doing like and like i have to

like not with like his ex-girlfriends like with people i like used to be friends with or whatever he'll like look over and he's like why are you stalking them i was like i don't know i just ended up here but i think if you were hiding it from him then i would not only block her but then also like address what the root cause of this is like is it insecurity are you feeling like not super um connected in your relationship are you feeling like he's being distant like it's not like necessarily like oh i specifically think that he is going to get back together or hook up with his like ex-girlfriend from high school it's not necessarily that that can just be the easiest way for us to kind of i don't know like make our feelings make sense and like we kind of like

create a situation that we don't necessarily think is true but you have to kind of put a face to your insecurity and so you pick an ex so i would yeah i would like look at that but then also there's some innocent shit where it just becomes a habit and you think she's hot and whatever and in that case maybe you just have a little crush on her yeah you could tell your boyfriend that's a big mind and then he'd be like he's like really can you imagine no i feel like that would be like a that would be such a mind fuck yeah hi megan and melissa i wanted to ask y'all's opinion on something i was talking to my roommate about the other day we both work for the same nanny and company essentially parents can book

jobs through a website and we can pick up the ones we want. Very similar to care.com if you've heard of that. This just means that I get different families with different kids almost every time rather than one consistent family. So my question is, is it inappropriate or not my place to talk to kids about social issues or correct behaviors and statements that I personally believe to be wrong? It's hard to explain, but an example would be I was babysitting a little girl who was about six and the show we were watching had a cartoon dolphin couple and she told me just out of nowhere that they were both mommy dolphins but they were both girls so they couldn't kiss like quote real mommies and daddies I asked well if they're both mommies and they're married then why can't they

kiss like don't you and your mom like your mom and dad kiss and she agreed and like moved on and then later she brought up something similar about how she wanted to get her ears pierced but her brother couldn't have his ears pierced because he's a boy, among other things like painting his nails or wearing makeup, which I asked, well, can boys paint and draw with paper and paint? And she said, yes. So I said, well, why can't they do it with makeup on their face? Like, it's the same thing. It's just like fun. It's like art. And she agreed. And like, you could see like the gears turning in her head, like she just never heard of it that way. I've had lots of instances like this, some as far as having to correct a four-year-old on calling COVID,

quote, the Chinese virus, and how she hated the Chinese for bringing it to America. Yeah, I know most of these kids just thought whatever their parents are saying, or it's just gender norms because they're so young. I also live in Texas, so I know that's a factor. I would never bring up political beliefs out of nowhere, especially with a child, but with topics like these when they bring it up my viewpoint isn't really political it's just like human decency and gender equality do you think it's crossing a line on how their parents are raising them or what their parents would be comfortable with me talking to them about or if their parents would be like angry that I'm saying these things if they're teaching their children the opposite

I know it's such a tricky tricky subject and I wanted to hear y'all's take on it I love the podcast uh i'm an aries if that matters and i am really excited to hear y'all's thoughts i don't think this is complicated at all i think it's fucking insane that there are four-year-old like four-year-olds whose parents are literally teaching them bigotry and racism like that's the part that i'm like oh my god like that that's the thing to me that i'm like that's absolutely disgusting that like you would be teaching a four-year-old those things i mean i think like correcting those kinds of things like that's not like it's not political at all and i think like saying like oh well and the way that you're saying these you're asking you're not being like well no

that's incorrect this you're asking them a question and making this child think about it in a bigger picture or have more context and then be like okay well then why couldn't they do this and you're not saying no no they can which in reality yes like anyone can wear like whatever nail polish get their ears pairs like do x y and z and all of that kind of stuff but you're not saying that outright you are to me what i'm assuming having a far more new nuanced conversation with a tiny human than those children's parents are which they're saying these are our views this is right and wrong and you're asking them well if this is then what's that and you're making them think about it you're planting a seed and if they decide and they choose to be like that is a good

point like i agree with you here on this then go for like that i don't think that that's you're planting a seed i also think it just depends on your comfort level if this like makes you uncomfortable having these conversations because it's also not your duty to do the emotion do you mean like raising it do you mean like yeah that's also not your job but not in the sense that like oh don't do that it's not your job it's like if you feel capable and have the capacity to do that then go for it but i don't think that you should feel obligated to like continue working for families um that don't align with your like ethical and like moral beliefs because you feel like you're obligated to kind of undo their parents teachings yeah i would say if this was

long-term long-term care um which you're not doing you say you're it's different families each time if it was long-term care i would have set up boundaries with the parents before like for example when i was um doing big brothers big sisters i asked the mom before like um like if she asked me something about her period if she had because she hadn't had one yet she was young would she would that be okay for me to discuss and she's like yeah that's fine you have all those parts and then i asked like about sex and she's like no absolutely not um which those aren't really like moral obligations she was like 10 so um but like i i wanted to know like what i could discuss with her um but then like like i said if it's um the long term then like

you know how because you don't want to work for somebody that you have different beliefs i would think so morally believe like beliefs um so having like that long conversation about like these are the boundaries about what i can talk to the child with but since this is short term you're just going to see these people one time i'm just like open the conversation up if it's a bomb for them drop the bomb and then leave because like you're not going to see them again no and also bigotry is lazy parenting because it is just indoctrinating your beliefs um with a because i said so yeah There is none of, again, the nuance of like opening conversations and making, so people like, so many people who grew up in conservative households go to college where they're encouraged to like think for themselves, which like the conservatives like love that term now, like free thinker and all of that. But it's, oh, when I'm able to, like, when I am empowered by the people that I look up to and who are there to guide me to, like, dive deep and think about all these different kinds of things, I'm recognizing that, like, there are a lot of holes in my argument.

And there's, like, a lot of, like, bigotry in my arguments that can only be explained by bigotry. like there is no there is no justification and i think that this is like the best possible way to talk to like young kids about this is them saying statements and then you bringing up questions which makes them feel empowered to question things around them and question the belief system that they have that has again like nothing behind it aside from like bigotry and i think like it's fucking i think it's i think it's fucking great i would probably i mean i know for a fact i would do the exact same thing um but yeah i think it's like you said if you're gonna try and work for like one singular family long term having conversations ahead of time to

make sure you are aligned on like speaking about like parenting milestones i would say like talking to your child about like the first time that they get their period or like sex or like those things that but then also like politically I think it's important to know that's a question that like I mean very early on like one of my first sessions with my therapist I was like you're I mean we live in LA but like you're not a Trump supporter right yeah she's like not not a Trump supporter fuck that dude and that's like great like that's a good thing to do to kind of set those things up ahead of time so I think like you said if you're going to go into something that's more long-term having those conversations about what's appropriate and what they're comfortable

with you talking about but then also hey where do your you and your partner who's raising this child or you if you're a single parent raising a child what are your moral and political beliefs because i'm not comfortable um like helping you like raise a little human with something that like i do not stand by yeah but i do love that you just like go in like drop the fucking like like you said like drop the liberal progressive bomb and then walk away and it's like now you got a four-year-old asking questions you're welcome susan bye okay let's take a quick break and we'll be right back we are back from our break and we are going to get into the rest of the calls

hi megan and melissa i'm a huge fan and before i start i just want to say i am in currently in New Zealand so our COVID restrictions are allowing us to live life as normal. I'm currently at university and I live in a city away from my hometown and because of that I go flatting but I this year have found myself in an interesting flatting situation and I would love to know if you have any advice. I live in a six-bedroom house with five other girls. Three of them are new in the house and we're all strangers we don't know each other I have met them but we met on Facebook and two of the other girls I lived with last year in this flat these two girls have become like my best friends and I know it's never good to live with your friends but we became friends because

we live together and they're like awesome people and I've lived with them for the past year however these two girls have started dating. And I would like some advice because A, I've never had two of my best friends date each other. It's always like one of my friends and then I don't know the other person. And I've also never lived with a couple before. They do have separate bedrooms, but they were not in a full-blown relationship and as serious as they are till now and I just want to know I'm a Cancer so I'm very empathetic and I always help them whenever I can however sometimes they do come to me for advice so when they're having problems and it is a bit awkward because I'm friends with both of them and I don't know how to kind of set up a boundary and I don't

like getting caught up in the drama but they are also like my best friends and I love them both and they're very good people and they're always there for me however it's just an interesting dynamic now that they're dating and it's kind of changed a little bit and I am worried that something might go wrong or something might blow up and I'm stuck with these girls for a year because we've signed a contract to be in this house and I just want to know if you have any advice on how to go about with the situation am I just overthinking it and is it just going to be all fine or do I need to do something about them obviously I can't leave and I don't want to be stop being friends with them because they I have no reason to do so but I just want to know if

there's a way I can deal with living with my two best friends that are dating thanks in advance love you guys bye i haven't done this like exact thing but i've definitely like become friends with people that like they had gone on like one or two dates and like we all like met up they ended up dating and like i kind of simultaneously like had those two friendships you you gotta create the boundaries of like the advice kind of stuff because there's certain things that are like convenient as hell like oh their birthday's coming up and i like need something like i need help like finding a gift for them or something like that that but that's pretty much it because not only is it are they your friends but it's also your roommates like even if you take away like that

them dating aspect it's like two roommates asking you about the other roommate like that kind of thing like you have to kind of live with whatever the out like the the outcome of the advice that you give do it like if you give like some shitty advice or whatever like something blows up like you can't just like peace out and walk away like you live there um so i would just let them know i the fact that it sounds like again it's pretty like early stages of the relationship um and maybe they haven't been in a lot of serious relationships before maybe this is also really new to them because i haven't necessarily had to create those boundaries with my friends who had like dated they were as soon as like things got serious it was like okay we need to i i will do this because

like i am understanding that this is not a fair position to put you in but this also sounds like a reality show it does I was like first of all jealous because you know no COVID restrictions second like all like ideally five roommates yeah ideally like in my head that sounds like a good time I know like for me it probably wouldn't be but like that would that would be like like my picturesque like 20s thing to have done it's like friends like it feels like a tv show yeah it feels it's it seems so much fun um and yeah i'm with megan you gotta set up the boundaries early on because like realistically unless they're gonna be spending the rest of their lives together they might break up during this thing during the whole roommate thing because you're locked in you

said you were locked into your contract so um i would like let them figure out their things because it's new figure it out and I would like I would actually like say don't even engage in anything that has to do with their personal relationships like keep it just friendship because it will get too messy it could be you they are your friends but like you don't know them all like you know them but you haven't known them for a long time you don't know how they'll react like if the relationship ends you don't know if they're gonna expect you to pick sides or what so i would the boundary i would say is like i'm here like as your friend but like if you have something that's relationship wise i don't want to be a part of it because it's it's just too complicated because

i'm her friend too um we're also roommates like it's too much no i think like literally telling them like when we're all like when we're just hanging out and like things are like we're friends but like if there's any issue between you guys i am your roommate like that's all that i am i like love you but i can't be the friend that you turn to for that i can be the friend you turn to if you've like family stuff or anything else but if it pertains to you both it's not about your relationship it's about that you guys are roommates and i am your other roommate so like i think it'd be a great thing to have that be a rule with the whole house that it's like it's not just you because you're the closest to them it's like nobody we have like a contract that

we're all together living in this house and so for relationship issues we can't pick sides because like also there's a huge thing too that like i've definitely had to do that like you inevitably will pick a side when like something happens and when you live together that's way fucking harder because it's not just oh they've like broken up and like i've picked this person's side so like i don't see that other person anymore so and if not to like be doomsday but if you think about it now um anticipating the inevitable breakup you also don't want to start like that oh you can come to me for everything so then after they've broken up and like one of them's bringing someone else over and like all of that stuff and then they're bringing you in like the messy breakup shit

no no no no no not worth it and also doesn't make you a bad friend like you can be there for everything except yeah for that and i think that makes you a better friend yeah for realizing that and putting it up front with them i agree i fully agree i would watch this tv show yeah also with accents oh you know it's like new zealand h2o minus the mermaids hi megan and melissa i am 22 years old my pronouns are she and or they and i am in an open relationship with a 24 year old guy my boyfriend and i met a couple of months pre-pandemic and at first both of both of us were saying that we weren't looking for anything serious but we enjoyed each other's company a lot and had a great casual dating situation going on for several months but we did develop feelings

at some point and as of June last year we are in a relationship we agree on a lot when it comes to relationships like wanting to be in an open relationship and valuing open and honest communication very highly but that but as it turned out he's someone who plans quite far ahead into the future and would only be in a relationship with someone he could see himself growing old with I do agree that it is important to be able to see a future for a relationship and I do and to quote unquote act as if you're in it for the long run but for me personally because I'm still young and inexperienced in so many areas of life it is hard to tell if anything I do will be something I want to do forever if that makes sense. For example there will be times where we

won't be living in the same country and I am not sure if I'm willing or able to be in a long distance relationship yet because of this uncertainty i find it hard to reconcile my living in the moment attitude with his worrying about the future approach especially when we have difficulties in our relationship because it sometimes feels like he's using the future as an excuse to not work on himself or the relationship now but then again he also tells me that he's unsure if he's going to be able to cope with my mental health issues quote unquote forever it feels unfair because while I do have issues for sure I'm working very hard in myself on my own and in therapy and also take on a big chunk of the emotional labor in our relationship

but when I bring up stuff to him that I would need him to work on in order for a relationship to work for example his time management he says he sees my point but I rarely see him making an effort I feel like these issues are very much heightened by the pandemic because he's the only human I see in person, which might make me more focused on our issues than I would be if I was able to see other people like platonically and for dating purposes. Also, he's a law student and has a very important exam coming up in a few months, which means he's super stressed out and preoccupied with studying. And believe me, I get that I do, but I'm also not willing or able to let that be an excuse for not putting a certain amount of effort into the well-being of a relationship

but because he's so stressed out I would hate to give him an ultimatum I hate those in general but I also don't know how many more times I can take us talking about this stuff without anything changing yeah I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and wishing you all the best and stay safe i wish we had more info on the non like if this is what kind what the definition of this open relationship is like if this is like are you two people who do exclusive i was gonna say do exclusively do non-monogamy and like that's how you plan to spend like the rest of your life in non-monogamous relationships because i am like i am a little like yeah i wish we had more information about yeah the things that you were saying didn't really pertain to being non-monogamous

so yeah I don't I we can only go off what we have and for me this sounds like if it wasn't for the pandemic you guys wouldn't be in a relationship you don't seem compatible at all like I don't think you like him that much I don't think you like him that much I don't think he likes you that much but also I know that when you're studying for log dams those things are huge They take up so much of your time. And I know a lot of couples like that is like the roughest part of their relationship is like right before the law when you have to take those tests because he's you can't I'm sorry, but like you can't talk about his time management skills when he's studying for something that like is going to be like the biggest thing in his career. Like he has to like be able to take this test to even be able to practice. So I, I like, I know people like that, that they have like went and stayed somewhere else while they're studying for these tests because it, they just have to be by themselves in

solitude and, you know, like being able to study and pass this test. So I don't think this is like the right time to be criticizing things that he's doing for his time management i don't think that like and then like him talking about dealing with your mental health that's another thing that like for him that's not that was like a strike against him for me um i just don't think that you are two people that would be together in normal situations i agree and to me i fully hear what you're saying about like the like expectations of someone who's law school matz is uh one of his like best friends from college i guess technically she's one of his really they all met in college but um her and i are like good friends now but the amount of times

that i had like been in new york and had never met her because she was studying i didn't meet her until her wedding and it was like we had probably like 10 opportunities to meet but it was just like no i can't take any time off like this was like it was everything and like even her i don't i think they were engaged at the time i don't remember if they were engaged in the time her now husband like when that was happening wouldn't it be like oh it's new with you it'd be like oh yeah so she's doing like he's like no what she's doing is what i'm doing like i'm just like it's a lot but i think the thing is with that he's not in any capacity to like do anything mentally other than that but then homeboy can't fucking turn around and then be like you need to

do better at this you need to do better at this you need to better at this it's like sir i'm cutting you so much slack because like you are not capable of doing these things right now so like why the fuck are you gonna turn around like okay sir glass house throwing stones like no no no and that like is such a just like like douche thing to do and i will also say anyone who says that they to your face they say i don't think i can deal with your mental health that is one of those things that you say to someone with two intentions one i'm going to say something so hurtful that they break up with me because i'm going to say something unforgivable or i'm saying something so awful because i i am a shitty person and this is foreshadowing with how i'm going to

treat you in regards to something as delicate as mental health even like friends who say that kind of stuff like there's a way to be like oh okay this person is going like is dealing with a lot and i'm not i don't have the mental capacity to like be there for you in that extent that's a fine thing to say but say i don't think i don't know if i can deal with your mental health forever is that's an act you actively chose yeah you woke up and chose violence like you actively chose to say something unforgivable and horrible when there are far more options to say in a way that is like constructive and or or just fucking breaking up and never saying that to someone because you should never you should never if the reason why you're breaking up with someone is because of their

mental health guess what you should not do fucking tell i'm gonna tell a depressed person that the reason why i'm i'm breaking up with you is because you're depressed that's gonna help it's gonna do wonders yeah like but you don't like you said i this is just the pandemic and you don't like him yeah you guys aren't compatible from the information that you told us you're not compatible at all it sounds like you want our permission to break up so break up yeah bye bye bye also don't let anyone like pressure you or like make you think that every relationship you're in you can only date people you see a future with and like see something long term because it doesn't sound like that's what you think which is also not what i think

and that he's getting in your head and making you think that that's not okay yeah that was that's what i meant by like the compatibility like you guys don't want the same things and he's not right and you're not wrong and like he apparently is not would rather just tell you you're wrong and try and change that it's just she's doing the same thing too to him yeah you guys are just yeah this is not it's ain't it ain't it break up with him break up get on the apps talk to people flirt do some facetime dates all right well it's time for don't blame them don't blame them is uh where one of you calls in and gives your own advice from um a call that was on a previous episode so maybe you have your own personal experience with it

maybe you just have some insight that we didn't say maybe you're gonna tell us that we're wrong or maybe you're gonna tell us that we are right and everything we said was spot on so what episode is this from this is from season 7 episode 12 um the original call where she was having trouble getting over a guy who didn't want anything serious so here's someone calling with their own thoughts and feelings hi megan and melissa i'm a big fan of the podcast um and i'm a scorpio and i actually have a don't blame them this is for season 7 episode 12 about the girl who called in and said that she was having trouble getting over someone who she's really into and he clearly just doesn't want anything serious and has said it, but she's

having a hard time getting over him. I have to agree with Melissa. You have got to stop talking to him. You have to cut him out. It is the first step and it is genuinely going to be the most effective thing that you do. I have made this mistake before, right before I went away to university myself, I kind of dated this guy over the summer. Um, you know, first guy that I had strong feelings for first guy that I did physical stuff with. And we continued talking all throughout that first semester, the next semester, I kind of told myself we were just friends. That was okay with it, but he was, became kind of a crutch for me. Um, and he became the reason why I wouldn't put myself out there. Um, I didn't date myself. I wouldn't even think about dating other guys.

And I didn't even realize I was doing it, but it was because I was still talking to this guy all the time. And I was still very much into him. Um, and you know, whether or not that's, I was into him because of him or because I just associated all of these good things with him. but the issue is I was still talking to him but he was out dating and having sex and all of this stuff and so he got to have my friendship and talking to me and me making him feel good about himself but he also got to go out and have sex and date a bunch of girls which is totally fine but I shouldn't have been talking to him in the first place because it actually took years for me to get over him and I really regret that I feel like I wasted so much of this wonderful

university experience like my first two years being hung up on this one guy who like I don't even think he knew what he was doing and the second I decided I had had enough I was like I'm gonna stop talking to him he cannot be in my life anymore and I mean like really like I didn't respond to texts I muted him on Instagram all of this stuff it took me two months to get over what had previously taken me two years to get over. So I'm telling you, whatever you do, you have to stop talking to him. You can distract yourself. You can date new people, but you cannot be talking to him as well because you might think that, you know, you're good and it's not going to be an issue and you want to be his friend, but it's not helping you. Okay. Well, I hope that works out.

And good luck to you. And again, love you, Megan and Melissa. Thanks so much. fucking right that that that timeline it took me two months to get over him that i couldn't do in two years yeah because when somebody's always like in your head it's it's like um constantly resetting those feelings because you can see them you're talking to them you're still like you know have this emotional attachment to them but when you just cut them off they can't reset within you uh like mentally or even like sexually so get rid of them this i feel like is such a perfect encompassment of like everything that we say like the whole i don't even know if i really had strong feelings for him or i associated those feelings and those things with him and then that i also

think is like part of that clean break when you do associate and that also doesn't have to be your first anything it can also like be like oh my most serious relationship my longest relationship like the relationship where we spent the most amount of time together like every relationship is a first of some kind yeah and we associate that with them and i i also usually believe that like each relationship that we like each serious relationship we're in our capacity to like feel for someone or love someone like grows even more like i loved my first boyfriend but like the neck like i was able to like have deeper and stronger feelings each time and when you don't know if you're associating it with that person because of the history or because you actually

like them it's fucking impossible but then once once you snip snip it's like oh i can see clearly now the rain is gone get rid of that haze dude it'll be okay i think that goes that actually like applies to a lot of the calls that we had today even with the ex-stripper girlfriend yeah the last call yeah you gotta fucking snip snip all of that shit yeah you it's kind of like um you know now that i'm into plants and stuff like if you um keep the dead stuff still like on the plant it's not gonna grow so you have to cut that stuff off snip snip as megan says so that you can grow and blossom oh beautiful and don't try and apply this to split ends because as we all know your hair will still technically grow a few split ends yeah it's like a plant

it's much more like a plant yeah and then yeah you gotta you gotta it's like pruning the trees of life oh god that sounded weird coming from either of us saying prune the trees of life welcome to our ted talk this is what happens when i stay up to like three a.m how late did you stay up mine was like 2 30 ish yeah okay yeah mine was three so i'm just like i'm running on caffeine and I don't even have that. I'll probably get some when we do a little break here in a sec. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

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la milan it's a new podcast well it's not a new podcast it um it's been around for one season now we're back for season two and i have joined for season two to produce um great time i think we should 100 have her on the pod once uh we're back vaccinated oh yes let me write that down on my list of people you should know that my list of people i've written post pandemic who should be on the podcast 99 of them i found on tiktok yeah so check out uh the salon it's a really good time she's really funny i have a great time come over bring a snack it's a potluck um okay that's it and we will see you all next time Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts,

edited by Katrina Henning, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.