Don't Blame Me! - S7E2: Having Dreams About His Brother w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: Stepdad dating Planning a wedding Mom making you uncomfortable Moving on from a divorce Don't Blame Them: bad dad   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more. Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. oh i hope you're watching the video because i'm not wearing a bra i'm shaking those titties i mean why are you acting like that's a new development no but like i'm wearing something that's like actually my size so you can see the shape of my teat as i shake it so if this is not

um enough of a selling point to uh join our patreon to get the videos and hey i'm i'm cheap It's literally, you get to see me shake these titties for a dollar a month. A quarter. Maybe we should switch everything over to OnlyFans. We just do the videos topless. Would anyone listen to me talk for like an hour and a half, just tits out?

Like, is that a selling point? I think we'll bring in a new audience. but are they gonna like what we have to say i don't think they'll listen with the video with the audio on true true true true true true true um well guys this is don't blame me an advice podcast if you are new here i am megan rinks hello i'm joined by my fantastic co-host and producer melissa d montz hi and we haven't like told people in a while what the d stands for and it just like chef's kiss like i mean you're i mean your mother an icon in general but but but it just describes you perfectly so will you share with the class what your middle name is my middle

name is diamond named after diamond geneva long my great great i think it's just great great i mean you literally have like a brianna song that you can sing all the time i do i do which i do also when i sing twinkle twinkle little star i say like melissa diamond in the sky oh my god wow you're you know you you have so many serenading options you've got so many fucking options of people just being able to perform some hits to fucking you you're very very lucky this is an advice podcast like i've said for the fourth um time so if you guys want to call in and leave us a voicemail we will answer your questions give you some advice and our phone number is 310-694-0976 and international listeners don't worry we didn't forget about you are you in

canada australian new zealand down under anywhere else or you know just being efficient or just being efficient uh you can send us an audio message email it to us at meganpodcast at gmail.com we would love to hear from you and what we ask in these voicemails that you leave us under three minutes long because hey you will get cut off and you will be shamed by us we also ask that you write down what you're going to say and then you can practice that's how if you feel like uncomfortable or awkward or you're like oh i don't know if i'm getting everything all in write it down we appreciate it we can tell and then you automatically go to the top of melissa's favorites list which you want to be there just as valuable as oprah's favorite list it is it is you

have a sticker too it's your thumb print and then you draw your face on it i love it it's perfect it's fantastic um and our advice oh did i just spit everywhere i did that was spit i was like is that a hair in my mouth no gosh with that nice you know it's it's pretty thick it's the only thick part about me that in my ankles i got some thick ankles i truly do like the the opposite of heather mcmahon oh yeah thick neck thin ankles i'm thin neck thick ankles oh what a time capris were never a good look on me our advice is all from our own personal experience we are um you know we don't sugarcoat we are the no bullshit as we've been called someone in our facebook group um was talking about our podcast versus by other advice podcasts yeah no Megan Melissa

they say how it is it's like no bullshit and you know sometimes if I like don't want to get my feelings hurt I wouldn't necessarily call in for that but uh our whole goal is to just talk how we talk to each other how we talk to our other friends it all comes from a place of love but yeah we're the we're the friends that you call up when you actually need that that real honest true advice that isn't just what you want to hear i'm thinking about like you know when it's time for us to retire and pass the torch who would you say pass away no pass the torch who would you like to take over for you that's a great great question do you have yours in mind already yes who's yours adriana my niece

i was about to say if you think that we are savage she will hurt your feelings and then laugh she will laugh and then be like i'm sorry i didn't mean to hurt your feelings gaslight the shit out of you literally an icon i would die i would die die so before we get into our episode um i mean this is a part of we're already in the fucking episode before we get into our uh calls we have an update so let's hop on over there okay so in my original call I called in because I noticed that my stepdad was starting to kind of date around but he hadn't told me and I wasn't quite sure how to bring it up to him just because it was kind of uncomfortable like how do you bring that up and all of those feelings of him dating and kind of moving on

after my mother passed away just kind of had me thinking like what would happen if it was a really serious relationship you know I live with him and whatnot and so ironically enough after I had called in a week later he randomly just came up to me and was like hey so uh I'm dating I was like well no shit yeah you are like obviously and he didn't really say anything so I was like okay I guess it's just kind of dating around being chill whatever do your thing you're a grown man didn't you take his pictures for his account and it was just so uncomfortable and he actually left up his account on a computer so I saw all the pictures and I was like well at least I did a good job but we moved in to our new house about a month after the episode aired and that's when

things just started getting really really bad I had mentioned in my original call that I thought he was moving on too soon. It had been about 10 months since my mother passed away. And like Megan said, you know, no one is ever going to grieve as much as I am. And so I tried to kind of calm myself down and give him the benefit of the doubt. And I was being friendly. And you know, I met his girlfriend, I'm trying to be nice and whatnot. But he started being really verbally abusive towards me which had happened before he was just getting really aggressive for absolutely no reason and everything that had gone wrong like from his day like oh I was late to work or just anything stupid like that he was blaming on me and I'm like that's a little weird

but maybe you're going through it do your thing so it started off like that and then as we started getting more comfortable in the house I was like hey when are we going to decorate like we have all this cute stuff like we might as well just put it up he's like yeah yeah we're totally going to do it and a lot of the stuff was photos of like my mom and I or like our whole family with his daughter and his son in the pictures and I never saw them never saw the photos and I realized that he had taken all of my photos and my mother's photos and he shoved them in the very back of the attic in a smashed box and I didn't bring it up to him because I was like okay maybe that's his way of grieving like he doesn't want to see them I'm just gonna let him be whatever and it

got to the point where he literally will not go anywhere in the house where I'm in the house like he just doesn't want to look at me doesn't want to talk to me doesn't want to do any of that and before all of this happened I tried bringing up you know going to therapy and how I kind of felt like oh you know she moves in like what do I do do I move out I don't know you have to tell me like you need to be honest with me and he literally said he's like what's your point I don't care and I was like okay sweet why do I care you know and how I I'm just trying to do what I can to leave but I I can't right now and it sucks because every time I go home it just gets worse and worse so I'm kind of stuck oh my god I'm so fucking sorry like I'm so sorry this is so

not like yeah this is so not what I obviously what we like want to hear in this situation and it always makes me feel like bad when I give someone the benefit of the doubt that I like shouldn't have and that sucks like that sucks so much because like obviously grieving is different for everybody but like there's a level of like when you're grieving with somebody who's also grieving like a level of consideration that he needs to have towards you like even if it's like oh like it's hard for him to like he you remind him of like her or whatever like there you're not like a like a cardboard cutout like you're a real person so like how he reacts to you and how he treats you is directly going to like affect you and regardless of how he's grieving if that's like

his way of grieving all he's doing is making it harder for you guys to like live together and make you feel like shit who is also grieving more than he is like that's so fucked up i'm so sorry yeah i it's it's been a whole lot and with all of this um two months ago my maternal grandmother passed away so that just like added on to it and you know i mentioned that i'm not from the u.s so obviously i had to tell him i was like hey i have to go to mexico like a funeral and he was just like okay like just didn't give a shit just not empathetic at all and I I just like don't know how to process my feelings when I'm living with someone that their way of processing the way that they feel is just by eliminating it how is that helpful

well and it's just adding on for you it's just delaying the process of being able to grieve because like he's just an obstacle right now like he's making an issue like when right now should be the time where you're just like grieving however you see fit like now you have to like grieve around him and like dealing with his shit that he's just throwing at you for no fucking reason that like it's and maybe that's his way of like not wanting to grieve so he'd rather cause like a struggle like not like a struggle but like a rift between you two because that's how he knows how to process like a like maybe anger or frustration or like passive aggressive is like of a feeling he's more comfortable with and so that's what he's doing to postpone the grief but

like that doesn't help either of you at all no no and he has always been just very quiet and very timid so I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt I kept trying to kind of like help him and eats him through and it it has not been working so now i'm just kind of like fuck it i'm just gonna do my own thing and one day i'm gonna show up with a big ass u-haul and he's gonna be like what are you doing i'm like moving out yeah and we hop out and we're back fuck him yeah fuck him this whole episode is pretty like family themed so that's gonna be this is how don't blame me does the holidays should we get into the first call let's do it hi megan and melissa i need your help so i'm 26 and my fiance is 29 i'm a capricorn and he's a

scorpio we met and started dating six years ago and now we've been engaged for two years which is when we bought our house and we are getting married next summer we wanted a long engagement to save up and pay for the wedding ourselves and in a responsible way but also to plan a little bit every couple months so we don't get overwhelmed. My fiance's mother is a Pisces and she's been great in the past but recently broke and started throwing hissy fits since we aren't allowing her to make major decisions like who to invite, what the decor looks like, who's in the wedding party, what the wording is and the invitations. We aren't having a wedding cake and she's upset about that. The final breaking point was she found out that my fiance chose to not

include his brother as a groomsman she had assumed that it was a given since my sister is a bridesmaid however my fiance's brother is a relentless pessimist and points out negative things everywhere and even when people are yelling at him to stop pointing out the negatives where normally there wouldn't be he keeps going and brings down the mood by 100 this is the most special day and i wouldn't want to be getting ready and be worried about my fiance's brother pointing out everything that's going wrong with the day and adding to his stress all of the other groomsmen are fun, positive, outgoing people who I'm so excited to be by my fiance's side to help him get through the day and have his best interests at heart. On top of this, his mother is

now guilting him into making his brother a groomsman because he's so negative he'll never have another chance to be in a wedding party. She's guilting him by saying we aren't including her enough, but really we haven't done much planning because of the long engagement and corona really paused everything. When we do some planning, it's very small amounts every now and then in between jobs and school and social life. I'm in school full time and work and my fiance is working full time. Anyways, we told her she was going to see our engagement photos with everyone else when she gets the invite in the mail. And the website link is on the invite and the photos are on the website because we thought it would be fun that way. And it's what we want. And she said

we're making her feel like she's just a regular guest, but she's probably the third most involved person behind me and my fiance. She will walk him down the aisle, give a speech, attend the rehearsal. She's helping create all the signage. She has great handwriting. There'll be a mother son dance. She'll be joining the bridal party for getting ready photos and anything more than that would just be overwhelming for me to include her in the decision process because it would be too many cooks in the kitchen. It's hard enough balancing me and my fiance's opinions and she has a very old-fashioned idea of what wedding is and makes negative comments about our decisions and tells us it seems like she doesn't get any say they have said they are contributing to the

wedding but it will be more like a gift after the wedding and so far everything is paid for by us what do i do so she stops creating negative feelings for everyone us and herself included around an event that's just supposed to be happy and also help her understand some decisions are out of our control okay so literally during the entire call i kept being like is she who's paying for it because like she's she sounds like she's paying for it um and i'm weirded out not weirded out but now i'm like even more confused about you guys are paying for everything but then she's giving you like a financial gift at the end you know like a dowry like how much is it how much right and also you said the engagement

is long anyway so it's not even gonna be for a long time um yeah the whole thing is just odd the picture thing i would have sent the link but everything else i would have just said back off because she's not paying for it yeah no i think that there are definitely things that I don't know like I think like if you're doing like a birth announcement or whatever like you're you usually would share those like pictures or or like I guess like maybe in the sense that like maybe it feels like she it's not like she found out about the engagement like on Instagram or like through a link or whatever where you were showing other people and maybe that's how she's viewing the rest of this stuff like maybe she's like thinking of like pictures in the same sense

that like it feels like i'm late like i i think they're like you're i think you're right i think they're easy corners to cut to like yeah gestures to make her feel like that and yeah like send the pictures ahead of time but like not in a sense of oh here you can like pick them out no it's like here i you're getting them before second cousin ronnie yeah you know just like sending that like private like sending her like a link where it's just an email to her i would also do most of this stuff over email versus text message because email is so much easier to like put on for a minute and also not like it's not a conversation like you're not engaging and like responding immediately right after another and so it's kind of just like you send it and like there you go like that's it

it's not hi let's talk about it so i think if you can just do like that sort of stuff um but i think you need to have like a sit down conversation with her and your fiancee yeah and talk about it because like hey uh like we like obviously love you and like we are we we've we're really like we're happy we like planning this like that's like we have really like we did this on purpose so we have like the time to like not feel like overwhelmed with planning and like when it comes to like decor and like groomed like bridesmaids and all that kind of stuff like we've like totally got that covered like if we do need help with anything like we will like we feel very comfortable like reaching out to ask um but there are like some things that like we yeah it's our wedding

and like we really are really excited about it and then if she's like well i'm gonna be paying for x like i'm gonna be giving you money afterwards okay give it now then or that's okay you don't like you don't need to you don't need to but like the brother thing did they find out like at the same time when you announced your groomsman that he wasn't going to be a groomsman or did was it a conversation it's like because i i think that when it comes to sibling there is a courtesy that you go to if they weren't going to be a groomsman then you would say something yeah like say something ahead of time and they didn't find out with everything else and maybe maybe it's not like the groomsman thing it's not actually coming from the mother it's actually

coming from the brother like his feelings are heard um and is there another role that he could have within the wedding that wouldn't be a groomsman so he's not part of that that all that type of situation see and that's the thing that like i i think of like i think of a groomsman of so much more of just uh i don't know like not really an important role like if he's not best man or whatever like he can be the groomsman and like have he doesn't and then he's not giving a fucking he's not allowed to give a speech he's not giving a speech or he's not like officiating the wedding like he's not doing anything like that and then like whoever your boyfriend's best friend is or whoever like his best man is that's their responsibility

to fucking keep him away from his like that's the kind of thing that I'm like having people and you're like having family members in a wedding party that you like don't really want to have like I think is kind of par for the course like especially when it is like if if you are like like if you don't have a relationship at all like and they're like they don't fucking see each other like they hate each other they don't get along it's like really toxic but if it's like I don't like his personality, but, like, he's pessimistic, but, like, he's still my brother. Like, I still love him.

Like, that can be kind of hard. And I think that there's a way to, like, go about it in, because it will ruin a really, like, that will really ruin a, like, really cause an issue among the whole family as well. Like, if you do have, if he still does have a relationship with his brother, like, it's just, if it's a strained one, but they still, he's still like still yeah they're still brothers like it could be strange but they're still like he's still like his brother then there's other roles that he can have within the wedding party

yeah but i would say i think of all of the roles to have i would think that honestly groomson is probably the best because like he's like he's then like protected from like the other guests he's like not like off on his own like even being an usher or whatever like you're talking to lots of people talking to everyone so oh the amount of times i've gone to weddings and the ushers have been like i don't think this is gonna work out and i'm like okay for sure weddings are you going to i already know um but like i think that like if he if your fiance is like comfortable rethinking the idea of having him be a groomsman and then just it is your wedding and like your fiance should have a great time and like it shouldn't be stressful but that should be like

as someone who like will be in wedding parties for my friends if they have someone who like is kind of like a pity invite or someone they don't want to be like and they were like if my fucking role in someone's wedding is just to like like keep the person who's like fucking annoying or like pessimistic occupied and keep them away from like the bride and groom and like not saying shit to other people 100% will do that like then that's what like good friends will do so like it's not your your responsibility your boyfriend's responsibility to kind of appease everyone and like make it nice with everyone i think it's yeah assign that role to like another friend because yeah i mean i i get i get why she's pissed like and i think that's probably the

thing that pissed her off the most is the pictures and the uh and the brother because then like from there like not choosing decor and that kind of stuff i'm i think it's probably just snowballing yeah yeah i don't know i'm i i am curious how y'all thought this was gonna go over yeah because like weddings yes it's your day but let's be honest like parents they have a lot of say into this even if you don't want them to be they're going to be very involved um so and you said she's third most involved anyway so um yeah you just gotta gotta be open let her know how you're feeling um she's not paying for it so give give her a little because the wedding day is one day but you spending the rest of your life with him and then that subsequently her yeah

that makes her part of your life too so therefore you want to keep that relationship yeah i think it's important to have a conversation with her and get what her expectations are and then you in like not in person but like do it over zoom and then you can address that because that's it's like if you guys are speaking in a lot of like hypotheticals or like broad strokes like asking her like well what like can you describe to me like what your ideal involvement in the wedding would be like give me like example by example kind of stuff and then we can talk about it right now so like we can come to like whether it's like a compromise on things that you're like oh very like comfortable like letting her know certain things or like keeping her updated or you can then just

like tell her right then and there like hey i i don't i don't i really like truly like we love you and i just don't think that that's something that is all that is going to do if i'm like run it is add so much stress and like time to me to like do all this kind of stuff like I'm happy to show you pictures and like do all that kind of stuff when it comes to decision making like if I need your help making a decision I'll totally come to you but we've got like different styles and different tastes and like I'm excited to make these decisions and like we're really like we're really stoked about it and then yeah if she throws the money thing then just be like you don't have to give us any money and then if she does need to give you money and you like actually will need it

then that becomes a whole other conversation let's get into the next call hi megan and melissa sorry if i'm whispering i kind of don't really have a choice this is a complicated one so bear with me just for reference i am a leo sun leo rising and cancer moon i'm a nursing student i'm 19 and one class that i'm really struggling with right now is my pharmacology class. My brother-in-law happens to be a pharmacist and I wanted to ask him if he could help me study or tutor me via, you know, FaceTime, of course, because we're in a pandemic. The issue is that my mom actively thinks that I'm in love with him and every interaction I've had with him since she told me that, I have felt completely and extremely

uncomfortable to give a little more detail about what happened last year at another family member's birthday my mom basically told me that my secret was showing because i was being friendly with him and that she knew my secret that she was going to tell my sister which is my brother-in-law's wife and because it was inappropriate and blah blah and she knew i had a crush on him i'm a little sensitive bitch so i proceeded to cry all evening completely ruining um that family member's birthday i'm really sorry by the way um i told my mom that it was completely not true and that she really hurt my feelings by saying that but she was having none of it like she believed i was crying because she had found out my secret the thing is it's not the

first time this happens it is the first time this happens with a family member but my mom has always been hyper focused and hyper critical of how i act around men and how i appear to men and if i ever acted in a way that was too friendly or inappropriate in her eyes it meant that i had a crush on them when most of the time i was i wasn't even thinking about that um i know that maybe she wants to protect me or something but because of what happened last year it's something that really gets into my head a lot and you know even though it's been a year i can't even ask for help for a class without feeling uncomfortable um or without feeling like i'm doing something wrong my sister is aware of what happened uh she knows what happened and i know that she understands but

we do have a 14 year gap um and we did not grow up together so we're not that close we also don't have the same mother um i'm scared that if i tell her about all of this she's gonna think that i feel this way because i have feelings for her husband when it's completely not the case i just want to pass my fucking pharmacology class but i don't know why this keeps like eating me up at night like i don't know i guess my question is like what the fuck do i do about this like should i even anyways if you think i'm being like overdramatic i do that sometimes just tell me because i honestly don't know how to feel holy shit why is your mom projecting so much oh my god this like your mom's not like

this i i think we can do i mean not i think a lot of the time we really try and like justify what things that our parents do to be like oh it's because like they're doing this we we think of them as the role of a parent before a person and that they know better than like no your mom's not doing this to protect you like she like she's projecting her own shit on you and she's also like belittling you and making you not uh trust your own instincts or believe yourself like she's making you parents who put in self-doubt into you and like make you feel like who that you can't trust your own instincts are doing that so you rely on them and they can be your eyes and ears and they can be your instincts and they can be your moral compass because they make you feel like

you can't and also it makes it easier to manipulate easier to manipulate you because they make you doubt yourself um and yeah like this is just like there's something already that is even like growing up when like kids are like talking to us like oh do you have a crush like i hate that and like that's something it's just like no like we're i'm just making conversation just because i talk to another man doesn't mean or boy in that instance doesn't mean that i have a crush on it well and it also like it's it like really perpetuates i mean it only happens like it's so it only it's perpetuating like the hetero heteronormative like way of and it also makes um specifically little girls it makes little girls think that they every man who they interact with

they can't be nice to otherwise they like them and then it becomes it turns into it it psychologically fucks you up it makes you think like oh also if this little boy is being mean to you it's because he likes you so guys who treat you like shit actually like you and like we're gonna have to like you might have never even thought about liking this person at all but now that we're saying that you're being nice to them like now you're going to like them and now you're going to question like all of it like it's just i remember vividly when i was in preschool so i had to be like four or three or four like it's still in my mind but there's this little boy in my preschool class that i never thought of him like as a crusher i was four like it was just a

boy in my class that i played with and i remember going to his birthday party and his mom was like oh here comes whatever the kid's name is little girlfriend and then like people were being weird about it and i vividly remember that and that's still in my head and i just like the way that and it wasn't my mom but and she was like no because she doesn't she was never like uh yeah you know she's like don't say that but i still remember how all the other adults were acting and it's so weird and i think and this is the same thing that your mom this the caller her mom does is that she puts those same type of feelings on you just for talking to a man and that's just weird it's so weird and even if like in broader picture like even like growing up if

you did have a crush on someone or whatever like a parent like kind of being like oh like belittling that like that makes you so uncomfortable like you know like just like don't make a kid even more anxious than they already are or like nervous about having a crush or like dealing with that than having someone like make it really trivial and childish and like yeah that's just like that's awful and i'm just this is just like but that's something that is very very sadly very common but this level and this extent when it's your brother-in-law and like does she feel comfortable saying this because it's not her daughter i think that has i mean that when you said when she said that that like made it make a little bit more sense to me but i would love to know why she's

like what the rest of the family dynamic like why is she there do you mean like what's the how would that where is she did she remarry her dad and do they have the same dad yeah that's what i think they have the same debt yeah because this is just like so vastly inappropriate that also the the age the age difference too is you're 19 and your mom is making a joke about you not only you having a crush on your brother-in-law but your brother-in-law who's in his 30s yeah significantly older than you and that's that's and then you cry and then like on top of that like she did it in a public place that's it's so vastly inappropriate like it's so it's not like you're seven years old and like

it's like you are like obsessed with your like do you mean like even like the oh like she's so obsessed like in like a like it's still it's still a predatory nature and but it's in a sense that like her even making an assumption that you would have like that that oh you have a crush on she's putting it on you like it's a predatory age gap if there was ever anything there and it's like oh you have a crush on him and it's like no what no like he's my brother oh oh yeah so how so how does she move on and you know ask for help because she wants help in her class and he is an expert on the subject he's a pharmacist this is a pharmacology class yeah she needs help so i would just tell i know you say that you're not close to your sister but

just tell her like what happened because i mean well she's aware of what happened yeah i mean i i would literally just i would just lie and put and just fucking pretend like pretend like you've never pretended before like this situation never happened and I think the more just like blasé and like whatever you can be about it and then if your mom brings it up again you're like I don't what like I don't I literally like I don't have feelings for him like that's not that's not lying though that's no no but in that like lying lying to yourself in the sense uh sorry that wrong word choice but like pretending that that situation never happened and so then the layers behind it of like oh if i don't talk to him then it's because i have feelings for him or like i now

feel uncomfortable in the situation i think like definitely it doesn't sound like your mom is looking out for you unless he is kind of weird and predatory towards you like and it's probably since her mom has done this multiple times before i'm 100 sure that he's not like that and if he is you are on high alert now that you would recognize that and so I think if you just pretend that the situation never happened your mom never said any of that stuff and just being as like normal and whatever and casual about it and like not yeah just just going about it as if it is it that it is what it is and like your mom didn't get into your head for that which is obviously like hard to um like do when you're just saying like just don't don't worry like just do it

and don't worry but i think like the more it's getting over the hump of it it's like once you do it and you're like okay this isn't weird like but your mom got into your head like she got into your head and made you question your own she made you question yourself and like made you be like do i is this a thing like am i not realizing this like what is this and all that and the way that you prove to yourself that she is wrong by just doing it and then being like oh she was fucking wrong yeah and yeah i then think you need to have it if you are comfortable and like safe to and able to have like a sit-down conversation with your mom about like how grossly inappropriate that was and untrue and how like that really like hurt you and it was just like doing it moving

for it yeah and it's unacceptable it's like unacceptable behavior and like that makes me not trust you and it makes it makes me it makes me feel like shit and that's on you and if we want to continue to have a like good relationship like i need to like not have you go out of your way to like hurt me and make me and gaslight me and make me feel really shitty when i've done absolutely nothing right like regardless of what your intention was like this is how the outcome was. And we've been down this road before. And I know how this works to stop just like this is not a part of our relationship. Oh, fucking weird. We're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back and we're back from our break and we're gonna get into the rest of our calls

hey megan and melissa i need some advice regarding working through my breakup with my soon to officially be my ex-husband he basically came home one day after being gone for four hours when he really should have been home in 30 and said he didn't want to do this anymore and that he was going to begin making steps for a divorce he then began to pack a bag immediately for his parents house i was completely caught off guard and for whatever reason decided to break a vase i guess i was trying to make it harder for him to leave this made him physically push me out of the house while he finished packing his stuff and left please note he knows that because of visa restrictions he knew that I would be the one who would have to go I had no choice but to be the

one to leave him telling me he was done was basically him kicking me out and he knew this I know that sounds weird but trust me quarantine changed him a lot and he had made changes to his eating schedule diet and how much he wanted to be alone to the point I barely had any of the rules I used to in the relationship it was like he was already working on being independent and squeezing me out. I went from living in a home with my husband to guest room surfing with family and friends in a country I barely know. Just to let you know, I got tested each time I moved and I'm staying safe. Since I've been gone, he has blocked me on WhatsApp multiple times. Anytime I show any negative emotion, he cuts me off like I was not allowed to be upset by the fact my husband

squeezed me out of our life and home. He would just go back and forth between telling me to get used to my new situation, to saying he missed me, and that he hopes maybe one day we can make things work keep in mind we were still working on how to divorce sending all my stuff to me and the fact that we were married and that habit of speaking to each other was hard to shake my mom was emailing him for a bit to get the last few things in order and now he won't answer any of my emails do you have any tips moving on from all this i know it's time to let go but going from being married to not is killing me and i miss the life and relationship i had it's tearing me up inside and i don't know how to work through this i feel like he has the exact same life as before just without me in it

whereas everything for me has changed dramatically thank you and i love the show this sucks it does suck and quarantine has been affecting everyone in so many different ways that they don't know like how to handle it how to be in the same place all day um and unfortunately it does it's having a lot of effect negative effects on couples and relationships yeah i mean yeah this is one of those things that like the answer is like it's time like there's a reason why it feels like there's there's like a reason you were blindsided by this so like any of the time that he's had to come to this decision as much as it was blind it was like totally out of the blue for you it wasn't for him and so him moving on with his life and just like

you know he already started like even you recognize like he like already started being like more like independent and doing all of those things that like you felt like he was like you now looking back on it realizing it was kind of like a slow push away yeah yeah and that's there's a he's had all of that time to make that decision and like to choose all of those things versus you are now having to grieve the relationship and come to terms with it being over and learn get used to again doing your own stuff like this different life without him where he kind of implemented that in it on a trial basis like while you guys were still together so it sucks that it is just kind of time like it is just like the more time that the longer and

farther away that it gets it is going to like eventually get easier but um you know obviously what I'm gonna say is don't talk to him and I know that's hard I know it's like oh I'm really used to it but you just have to know every time you talk to him you're just you're taking a thousand steps backwards like every time you talk to him it's from that date until then when you're getting over it it is like it's you're rebooting it so if you go like two months without speaking to him and like it's gonna take a long time before you go through all of the stages of grief and you start to like feel like i don't know not like better necessarily but you start to like you start to come to terms with things and like things thing you've got more

insight and it feels less debilitating as it did before second you talk to him you're back there and you're starting all over and that part's so fucking hard but as much as you think that checking in will make it never does like that's that like devil on your shoulder being like oh well like we were so close i really want to like he's still i still want to talk to him or blah blah blah like it in the long run will never make you feel better ever and he has nothing to say to you that will make you he does not hold the answer to making you feel better because even if one day he turned like him going back and forth being like oh well maybe like like i miss you like let's can blah blah blah even if he decided like i want to get back together and all of that that it's never

going to be the same you even if you chose to be back with him this would always be in the back you would never be able to relax right you would never be able to like do all of that and i think we can roam i mean we romanticize relationships and wanting to be in those and wanting to be back where we were but you have to think about it like you would have you would be back all of nothing would have changed except you would have gotten back together after all of this and those feelings you'd still be grieving all of those feelings and going through all of that while in that relationship like there is no going back to a point where this had never happened and it sucks and like you said like relationships are going through so much in quarantine and all

it does is bring up things that were eventually going to happen and like I honestly think it's been like obviously it's an awful horrible time but like that's one of the very few like bright spots and like good things I've seen that I think has like come out of this is it's like it's like ayahuasca for everybody like everybody like it's just all of these realizations like of people like mental health struggles of being like now I'm going to start seeking help it's doing all of this stuff it puts us all in this pressure cooker and we're it's like a make or break situation and i think like the like divorce obviously fucking sucks and the only thing good thing that can come out of it is that it happened sooner rather than later yeah yeah it fast

forwarded a little bit but i'm sorry you're going through this oh i'm so sorry this very very very much sucks and i'm wishing you nothing but good stuff in the future and um i hope uh that you get money well shit um best of luck men are trash next call yes hi so i'm currently 20 years old um i am actually married with a child and i want to give you guys a little background story on why i am currently driving so i'm a little scatterbrained a lot anyways like i said i'm 20 my husband's 26 we did date very short mom time and got married right away and had a baby right away my son's actually seven weeks old

so he's very young I'm still in that postpartum period so basically I haven't had sex with him yeah we had sex twice and the third time we got interrupted by our crying baby so we haven't really had sex that being said I am very sexually deprived I have been masturbating a lot not in lives but the issue I have is that I've been having dreams and the dreams aren't just like regular old dreams they are dreams about my husband's older brother yes I know it's crazy last the night before um last night I had a dream that um basically him and I were sneaking around a random house honestly do not know where this house is from do not know where it came from we were just sneaking around this house and we accidentally got caught by his by my husband's mom

um because he kept calling me like the brother kept calling me babe like while we were sneaking around i woke up really fucking confused i don't have an attraction to his brother because my husband and his brother they are full siblings but they look nothing alike like literally my husband's tall light skin which has nothing to do like nothing to do with the preference but i'm just saying like they look completely different they are brothers but they don't look like brothers if that makes any sense and his brother is short and like weird looking like no offense but like he's not my cup of tea and he's other ladies like he's he's hot but like not for me because he's like one of those like really muscular jock dudes anyways I keep describing

him like I'm attracted to him but I'm not I just guess I've noticed his features anyways the dream I actually had last night, I was dreaming that he was literally jerking off in front of me. And I have never seen this man's penis, but for some reason I could picture it perfectly. And it was just really fucking weird, honestly. Anyways, I am running out of time. I'm so sorry. This is kind of like all over the place. Oh, by the way, the penis was like my husband's penis, but like on a certain size. I don't know why it literally was not the penis. I hope you have an amazing day and i hope you guys have any advice for me bye-bye i'm like that's the same penis to your husband just uncircumcised i don't know why i mean i think this is just

pregnancy hormones like i have never been pregnant postpartum pregnancy hormones oh yeah no no but like just because i remember when um there isn't i mean my only reference of this and like fucking tv shows where like on friends it was i think it was like right uh fucking rachel accepted a proposal from joey postpartum like she like was and she even said she was like i don't know like the hormones i think this is just that was a good rachel impression i think it's literally just the hormones and i've heard like i i've heard so many things of just like the shit that happens to like people not just your body after having a baby but like your like mood and your like emotions and like absolutely everything like they're you know like

obviously like postpartum depression like postpartum anxiety like there are so many things that like can come completely out of the blue and you've just got like postpartum horniness are you talking to your brother-in-law like before you go to sleep because it's it's a reoccurring dream just in different situations like are you talking to him is he around i'm not a sleep analysis and some people will say like i mean dream analysis some people will say that dreams mean absolutely nothing and some people will say like oh let's break this down there's more to it so maybe think about something else before you go to sleep put something else like take a guided meditation yeah like think about your husband or a celebrity or just somebody

else to be in your mind except for your brother-in-law listen to a dipsy story yeah i mean i think there's also like i've seen uh like it was i forget what it was on i think it was like some youtube video where someone was talking about like it was like their postpartum stuff because i'm obsessed with pregnancy i think it's so fascinating um and someone was talking about how uh like this like i forget who was but like some random celebrity who like they like were weirdly sexually attracted to and they had no idea why and it was like just at like their postpartum period like i don't know like i was just like or like fucking like even pregnant women who were like yeah tony the tiger can get it like i don't know why but like or like mr clean like kind of

hot like there is just something to be said about like all of those hormones flying around um and i think if you've never ever had a dream about him before like i think that there's and you're not attracted to him at all i think that like i think it's i think you can blame it on your pregnancy on like being postpartum question is it cheating if it's your husband's penis dream cheating um no because foreskin foreskin is whatever like do you what i mean like foreskin it that's not a deciding fact i'm still me if i'm wearing a sweater or if i'm wearing a turtleneck exactly it's still me yeah it's still me yep so i don't i don't think so i would try though if you have like any ability like to just like think about

your like think before you go to bed and like fantasize about your husband and like if you have any ability to like control your like just like switch swap the faces mm-hmm or just body's different too yeah maybe also is a good test who's like your celebrity crush or like an actor that you think is super fucking hot watch a movie or a show that they're in like right before bed and then see like a see like when you're conscious are they still doing it for you or is it is your flavor off like is your taste a little like off and then if you dream are you dreaming about them or then do you dream about him again because i think if you go out of your way to not try and dream about your brother-in-law and you keep dreaming about him i

think that's something to be like the hell but i think to be fair i honestly think you can ask your gynecologist like your ob-gyn about it like i'm having weird fucking like sex dreams about like is that normal fucking dreams i'm having weird fucking dreams is that like and i'm sure they'll be like oh it happens all the time yeah oh don't blame them if you are new here this is where a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a previous episode. Give us their own two cents.

All right. So the original call was in season six, episode 25. And the original caller, they had a rocky relationship with their father who bought a yacht instead of buying them a phone. So here's someone sharing their experience.

Hi, Melissa. Hi, Megan. Hope you guys are doing well. Happy COVID. I was actually calling in in response to one of the callers from your most recent episode, season six, episode 25, I believe. in response to, sorry, you can hear my cat, in response to the caller who was asking for like kind of parental advice with their father. I also have a fairly difficult, we'll call it, relationship with my dad. And at the time when I was the caller's age, I did not, you know, I did not fuck with my dad. We were not on good terms. It was not a good time. I'm 27, just recently turned 27. And things are kind of different now. Over the years, like my parents have separated and my dad has spent a lot of time on his own realizing that he was on his own and the mistakes that he made to get himself there. So he's kind of come around in like the

last three or four years maybe and gotten a little bit friendlier kind of not necessarily taken an interest in like my life but kind of has taken an interest in like me like has actually known who my boyfriend is by name and known where I work and just kind of has actually known things about my life because he's inquired about them um so I will say like sometimes you may get lucky and you're the situation with your dad may get better like mine kind of did we're still kind of rocky um but also full transparency you don't have to do that like I have a mom I have a mom that was very much so like oh well he's your father and you know that's important and that he has a role in your life no fuck that ma'am I'm so sorry love you mom he does not have a role in my

life and he does not deserve one and if that's the way that you feel about your father that is completely acceptable and no one no one has to justify that for you if that's the way that you feel um you are not obligated to welcome him back into your life as both Megan and Melissa have said um yeah you're not obligated to do anything like that it's up to you if you want him to be a part of your life and if he has no role to fulfill if you don't feel like there's an empty dad void because I don't feel that way in my life, then you don't need to fill that hole. Like if the hole is not there,

then you're not lacking on anything. So my advice would just be kind of figure out what you want and what you need from that relationship because financially, I needed my dad for a little bit when I was younger, but I'm a grown-ass adult now

and I don't really need him for anything. So I don't use him for anything. So that would be my advice. i mean we have two uh what i think will be mainstay staple quotes here i don't fuck with my dad and fuck you ma'am yeah fuck you ma'am that's fantastic no i mean everything is everything is so it's so accurate and this is such like a like that's such um a like very very much like if my therapist heard that you make that is such like an emotionally and uh mature outlook for it is one we can acknowledge like i'm doing this because i want to i don't have to do this i don't

feel obliged to do this and um i don't expect my my expectations for you like are little to none like i don't you can't you don't i'm not giving you the power to hurt me like you've already done that and like any choice that i make i'm i'm choosing to do but i've like taken away your power to to hurt me and that's and that's like also it's it's so like like they were saying it's also so fucking okay if you can't take away that like if the way that you take away that power is not by having them in your life that's fine like that's so fucking fine but they i hate the whole thing of like nobody can hurt you without your permission it's like no no it's fucking untrue that's so untrue very very very fucking untrue and all you can do is protect you and if protect you

means that oh if you are in my life you hurt me and you're not my life anymore and i will then still like have to deal with the hurt that you've caused but i'm not going to step into open fire and then continue to like nurse my wounds along the way as you keep fucking shooting oh yeah but um this is that that was a nice update thank you for sharing and i'm glad that i may not update the call yeah and i'm glad that it's it's nice also to hear the uh you know people who've been able to have those like it's it's it's nice to hear like oh as you've grown up there is that that option too that things can change and yeah to be emotionally mature and intelligent oh lovely wow um well that's our episode guys we hope you enjoyed

if you want to um leave us a review on the apple podcast app we would love it you know it kind of um out helps us outweigh the people who get upset when and they talk is brought up or when what's brought up covet talk oh yes when covet talk is brought up or um racism so um yeah and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and uh follow us on social we have an account um over on instagram which also if you are trying to get into our facebook group and you aren't following us on instagram or the podcast account i'm just gonna let you know it just doesn't give me a lot of

incentive it doesn't look good for you it doesn't it doesn't because i just i just i question your motives and your intentions and it hurts so fix it also if your account is blocked we need to look we have to we need to look at social media accounts and if your account is blocked i mean i mean it's private yes i was like oh if you are blocked from get into our face if you can't find our facebook group then you are blocked but no if you applied and we can't look at your social media then yeah and also and that's to protect everybody in the group because you're everybody's sharing personal private information and so we just need to know that you're a real person and that you have other things going on in your life yeah we have people

who have gotten out of like abusive relationships and like we have, I've got like the names of people that I'm making sure are not applying to the group. And so when we have like, when we get a Facebook, uh, when we get a request to the group and the Facebook is fully private, I can't see anything. And then I'm not able to cross reference that with like other social media profile profiles to like verify that this is the right, this is a person that's not impersonating anybody else or pretending to be someone else um can't accept that but um yeah follow us on social buy my book buy my presets buy my movie i have a show on the food network um app now very good anything you want to promo uh just follow me on instagram all the shows that i produce are listed because

there's a lot now so it's it takes up time yeah booked and busy and uh we'll see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso