Don't Blame Me! - S7E20: He Proposed But Changed His Mind

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: coming out & nursing school Moving on from a breakup Friend dating your crush Moving out on someone Don't Blame Them: friends vs. boyfriend   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me yeah starring megan and melissa we're dancing so sorry for anyone who's just listening to the audio oh melissa's shaking them titties they can't they actually can't see it even they're looking at video but you caught it was just for you thank you so much i really appreciated it if you are new here welcome we are an advice podcast where we have listeners call in leave us a voicemail and then we give our life-changing amazing fantastic stunning smart never been done before throw it in a blender eat it shit it out advice i need to learn the whole thing i need to learn you know the references right yeah I need to there are two things I need to memorize I need to memorize that

word for word and I need to memorize Trisha Paytas's apology to Philip DeFranco for calling him fat and those are the two things I need to I have not seen the latter I'm sorry what where she literally says Philip DeFranco oh my god I know like a lot of it I'm sorry that I uh called you fat I was holding a grudge from that time in 2014 when you're so this whole thing it's like she hates philip defranco and it's like why does she hate philip defranco and like her co-host ethan this is on the frenemies podcast her co-host ethan is constantly being like why do you hate philip defranco like what is this like what is this and she was like don't like him don't like him don't like him and so us as the audience and ethan have no idea why there's like all this

animosity there she then calls him she technically doesn't call i'm not gonna like get into the semantics of it but um she then um apologizes to him and then says she goes phil franco i'm sorry for calling you fat i was just holding on animosity for that time in 2014 when your wife called me a whore and everybody's like oh my god what like this is why and like that makes sense and then she's like you are not fat like i oh and then her previous apology from like a couple episodes ago she goes phil franco like i'm sorry i called you fat like i haven't seen you in a while like you might be less fat now oh my gosh not an apology wow but then she goes like and then she says um you're uh you are a skinny legend and i am like a fat fat cow um and she was and then he changed

his twitter name to philip the skinny legend defranco and it i need to memorize that whole apology because it is iconic and so just so quick um interesting so those are that's my homework for myself okay i should tell you the number to call in if you need some life-changing amazing advice it's 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can record an audio message on your phone and send it to us on our email meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you are 18 or over have your parents permission you let us know your pronouns in the call you give as much detail as possible write it down read it out practice because you got to keep it under three minutes or you will be cut off and um yeah your hair looks great today this is another plug to

watch the video on patreon you can't you can't see it in your hair because it looks black no i have a gray hair right here shut up and the people in the patreon video will be able to see it what oh you see a little i see your fingernail i was like that's a chunk of stacy landon right there look i do i do yeah wow okay is it a different slowly becoming a witch this might be a very ignorant question but you know how gray uh hairs have like a different kind of texture it is a different texture yeah i looked it up because moth has some in his beard and they're like a very different texture and i wasn't sure if it was yeah the same it feels kind of plasticky right yeah well there we are i mean you still like you are not old by any means and if we want

to go based on like also like a your age you're not old but also like you don't even look your age which is also not an old age like you're set i'm good i've also seen your entire family and i'm like yeah you're never gonna go you're never going to i on the other hand every time i do that old age filter on tiktok i'm just reminded of i feel like you've looked the same age for like the last 10 years even though i didn't know you 10 years ago but i feel like you've looked as long as i've known you you've looked the same that is the nicest thing that like uh thing like um what's margot robbie yeah she's looking the same since she was 16 i do think i look uh i look at myself in the mirror and i don't see like a massive difference i mean the nose of course oh yeah

no i mean but like since i got my nose done i don't see like a huge difference in my looks but then i always wonder i'm like oh is this gonna be like i'm gonna be that old woman who like thinks that at like 78 and i'm like still like dressing and wearing the same stuff that i am you should i should i definitely should but you know wear whatever the fuck you want to wear oh i will i i plan on being oh my god speaking on wearing things i had commented on a friend's video um i mean instagram posts about something blah blah and then somebody liked my thing and i was like who is this i went to her page and she makes your pajamas custom outdoor pajamas like custom like you have to send her your measurements and she makes the bra so i can wear it open it like

everyone just be prepared and it's not expensive it's like seven shut up for the whole set bra we'll throw whatever you call it in the pants just be ready holy shit i love it we're gonna get back to eventually filming in person together and you're just gonna be there with like i may because you're not i'm doubting you're gonna get into drinking but maybe you'll put i don't do like kombucha i do like you'd put a kombucha or a la croix in like a martini glass and you're like in your like that whole pajamas thing and it's like this is like how we each come out of quarantine you come out of quarantine like that like a literal rich housewife who like just murdered her husband and i am going to come in no makeup sweatpants like i haven't showered in a

week and a half and it's like this is how we each the things that stay with us just guys just get ready hot girl summer is coming since we couldn't have a full hot girl summer last year oh sydney is sydney literally has been like bullying her sister and i being like you guys need to get your eye on the prize it's a hot girl summer i need us to plan things out like it's not an option and jerry and i are both like i mean you know she's like no no no like i need you to get your head in the fucking game we're not fucking messing around i was like okay i'm i am with sydney there's no fucking around i'm just dying your birthday is like in there too i know i was looking at airbnbs like to see because like ideally we'll all be vaccinated by you know august and like

100 you will be yeah mott sent me an article about like the cbc saying that you can travel once you've been fully vaccinated like on a plane and I was like I don't know if I would feel comfortable I can't have that yeah I'm the same way I don't feel comfortable with that yet well I also wait I don't feel comfortable because I don't know that where I'm going everyone's been vaccinated exactly that's what that's how yeah because it's not and like that's the whole thing that I what every time I'm like talking about this or explaining to people I'm like yeah I'm not necessarily so worried if i personally get sick but like i don't want to go somewhere especially if you're going somewhere like so many of these like vacation destinations are like like

locals or technically it's it's more impoverished communities i'm like i don't want to go there and like potentially bring an eight like asymptomatic or anything to any of that so ideally we were looking at places within california and it would just be so so nice i oh i'm gonna lose my mind i'm gonna lose my fucking mind i have put together i mean put aside a fund for me as soon as i'm vaccinated i'm getting my nails done getting my hair done getting i'm getting lashes it's gonna be getting a brazilian butt lift i'm well i'm getting a brazilian wax for sure you're not gonna try doing it yourself you've been watching the tiktok videos on how to do it yourself ma'am no ma'am it's that who's seen it it's just been bushy so

i thought you meant that you were like shaving and miserable with it no no just letting you I get bumps. So I don't I'm not I haven't even been shaving. So it's just the same thing. Yeah, it's it's gonna be a wild time. I'm getting a massage. It's gonna be great. I can't wait. I think I've shrunk two inches in the pandemic because my posture. Well, I'm constantly cracking my back because I need like a serious massage. So I think I'm good there. And also I'm already short. So it doesn't matter. I mean, I needed to go to a chiropractor last spring when my pilates instructor told me that my rib cage was out of place and i needed to go get that fixed because i was like i thought i was just born like this and they were like no no

no no no no and i'm pretty sure i told you you did both you and lily both you and lily have been like yeah your body is fucked up go get it fixed oh well all right well let's get into the update hell yeah I was on episode 24 with Jocelyn Davis and in that video I asked for advice for coming up to roommates I was like a freshman in college that was like 2018 very long time ago and then I guess answered another call that was season 5 episode 24 and that was advice about nursing school versus like a job I actually want because I'm type 1 diabetic and need good health insurance um yeah so i have updates for both of them all right so for the first one you guys were like oh your friends probably know they definitely did i was not oh my god that was our

advice what the fuck it was jocelyn was like well to make you feel better they probably already know it's like okay but you wouldn't did like yeah we kind of knew something was up so fucking shit yeah it didn't help like my roommates i had my best friend lived up from high school lived in the same hall for me and she was like she knew I was gay and she was like are you gonna tell your roommates and I was like let me wait and get the vibe and she was like I'll help you keep your secret so we'd like the next day she'd be like yeah Taylor she made out with the guy at a party last night and they were like okay it's college why do we care that's so funny and she was she'd like try to get their vibe and she'd like she's like not a good actor she'd be like

yeah how do you feel guys how do you guys feel about like gay people gay people they're just like us funny yeah like when i'd leave the room she and she'd be like i think they're gonna be cool with it and i'm like okay thank you i love that yeah so yeah they were fine with it it was like no problems i did you guys because they were my roommates i gave advice to wait till after we moved out which i did do but I think it would have been fine like either way and then for the more most recent episode it was more advice about talking to my mom about like what I should do and stuff and we had a conversation

and she pretty much gave the same advice that you guys did she was very proud of herself when I told her that you guys gave the same advice that was like try to get into nursing school so you can have the health insurance and try to kind of do both um because I was also nervous I wasn't going to get into nursing school because the programs I was applying to oh wait I do just want to clarify I promise I was not a mean girl in high school oh because you're a nurse I promise I like got it was a nerd had like curly hair I didn't know how to take care of read and wrote fan fiction like wasn't cool yeah so I just want to clarify that for people I mean here's the thing like the nurse mean girl trope i believe it but then there are people who go like you know there there are like

the people who combat it and like who go in for good reasons and all of that it's not like there is i don't have an a-cab feeling about nurses it's more just like just like i'm not i'm not an a-nab but i'm like you know yeah like all like all mean girls from high school are nurses but not all nurses are high school are mean girls from high school exactly exactly I just want to clarify that yeah so I did get into the nursing program I started congratulations thank you yeah so that was um pretty much my update hell yes that's so exciting yeah I'm nervous but excited and I wasn't gonna I was gonna be like dreading it but once I got in I was very excited and I've been excited like since then so feeling pretty good about it I think a lot of the time are like

nerves and like feeling like inadequate or like feeling like you're not gonna get like that can manifest itself in so many different ways and so then when you get in it's like oh maybe I'm not I don't have all of these hesitations I was just like using the fact that I was worried I wasn't gonna get in as like well maybe like I did that with fucking like regular college I was like I don't even want to go to college my cat bitch because you know you're not gonna get in anywhere and i was like i don't even care but you know so like yeah like i think about a lot i totally understand totally totally totally understand i love when people have had like multiple we always love when people have had like multiple calls who have been around for a while but it's always the

um it's always like the craziest to me like when people who have called who've like come out before and it's like oh yeah this was like this many years ago and i'm like oh my god like that's because you have like a huge life thing but then also like a like a like a years kind of thing that i'm like we've been doing this for so long i know yeah because yeah that was a my freshman year of college and now i'm a senior i did yeah wow holy fuck congratulations on everything also we can add to our resume that we're mom approved so great and she's also very excited that i was zooming with you guys today oh wow oh my god tell her hi for us i love that i have mommy issues so that really that speaks volumes for me oh that's amazing wow well thank you so much this was such

a great update and i'm i'm also very impressed by people who are like still getting into the med not not still but like getting into the medical field after like the fucking like two years like the year plus that we've had and all of that i think that's i also do think that's kind of gonna rule out the mean girls and that kind of stuff yeah because they're gonna be like that's not for me you're a real warrior congratulations and they'll get to good health care yes yeah hopefully fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes congratulations and thank you for updating us no problem thank you cool have a good one you too bye we'd love to hear it i cannot believe that what some of our advice was your roommates probably already know yeah oh my god

who gave us that audacity good she said jocelyn said it so and that feels like something jocelyn would do yeah and in a way that's like very like and not like just hey you know they might they probably already know and i'm like just like that which you know comfort and but also yeah not necessarily something i we would say now do you know what i mean like i i yeah that's not it's not necessarily an encouraging thing your jocelyn and president impression is very close to your jennifer aniston impression when do i impress jennifer aniston you did it one time when you were quoting something from friends i mean maybe who i i don't doubt it they both go higher in the register when they're like oh like as rachel if she was being rachel yeah yeah yes

rachel does that yeah i mean jocelyn and right they've got some of that similar jocelyn is a mix between phoebe and rachel yes should we get into the first call let's do it hey megan and melissa um so i am 20 years old and I am a Sagittarius, and my pronouns are she, her. So my boyfriend, or I guess ex-boyfriend, broke up with me two months ago, and I'm still not over it. We only dated for about two months officially, but we were also exclusive for four months for the entire time that we were talking.

So this was my first real relationship. I never really entered a relationship, and I had told him, that I loved him because we have been friends for about a year and a half before we dated. And so it wasn't super hard to figure out that I loved him very quickly. I still stand by the statement. I don't think that when I said it, it was wrong or that it was out of turn. It was very much, I love you and I'm letting you know. And he broke up with me the next day because he did not feel the same way.

He said that he wasn't in a place to do that or to say that. and that he's really overwhelmed by everything that is going on. I am still very upset about this, and I'm having a hard time getting over this. I also really want to be friends with him, but I also listened to the episode with Moss where the caller called in the guy who was into this one girl. He was 18, and you guys said don't be friends to him, not to be friends with the girl that he was interested in. only if you thought it was going to lead somewhere.

And that's where I'm at with my ex-boyfriend is I do not think that I could be friends with him without it leading somewhere. I'm so caught up in my emotions, and it's hard to move on. And I just want your advice on how to move on from this because it's just, now I'm just saying the same thing over and over again, and I'm going to cry. but I just really think that he's just the most special person in the world

and it sucks that I can't that he's not in my life you know and I'm just having a hard time with this and I'm probably going to ask my therapist about it in a week when we have another session thanks so much you guys

alright bye oh you know if it wasn't covid i would give you a hug this sucks i feel really bad because this is something that um i think it's something we've all kind of gone through and i i understand his point of view of being like oh i don't want to continue on with this like your feelings are here my feelings aren't there it's not fair to you to like move on and continue like this but that's pretty like the next day after you tell someone that you love them and then they break up with you like that's a pretty shitty thing like to do and i think right now what you're doing you broke up two months ago i wrote this on you broke up two months ago uh they dated for two

months they're four months exclusive for all of that first and then you guys were friends for like a year and a half before that and dating your friends is really hard and I think this is kind of the example like this is the the outcome that when people talk about it is really like what they mean is because it is if it doesn't work out you are losing your friend as well as like a relationship and I think it's great that you honored your feelings and you told him that and I don't think that if there's a part of you that feels like if you hadn't said that things would have changed or whatever know that it wouldn't have and I think it's shitty because you can usually tell when someone is like more into you than you are into them and he should have just

ended it before you there was that verbal confirmation that's like hi I'm in love with you and that but this is one of those things that just it sucks but it it is going to suck less and less and less and then you're not even going to think about this this guy anymore and like I think it's important to honor your feelings and being upset about this like breakup but I remember every age that I've like had like a breakup or anything that like hasn't worked out with some guy i've been so so so heartbroken never going to get over any of this and then after a while you're like god i'm so glad that that didn't work out yeah yeah agree um i don't know if it's like him like breaking it off before she said i love you it might have been she said it and then he

it kind of put things in perspective for him and he might have seen like this is going in a direction that i'm not ready for or i'm not he's not ready for it where it's just not what he thought the relationship would be and i don't and i don't think that's on you that's not on him it's not on anyone but what happened was is that he did break off before you guys got too deep in the relationship so like i kind of i would kind of count it as a blessing because you could have fallen even harder for him. And this could have happened later down the road, but it still happened pretty early in your relationship.

And I know that like things right now seem like they're like really difficult and you're clearly so hurt over this. And you think that, you know, like he's a great person and he is a great person, but he might just not be that great person for you. I think you just need to take time. It's not going to be something that you can just get over.

just take time for yourself you know i mean at this point you've probably talked to your therapist about it um and they've probably given you you know like action plans and things to help you help mend your heart yeah but i do think you're spot on on yeah don't be friends with him now because it is part of that and i will say and i don't mean this in like a patronizing or anything but as somebody who has like been in love and like had really like really fallen for people and has it not worked out and all of that kind of stuff that kind of romanticizing and idolizing and having those really strong feelings on your side and them not being reciprocated can feel like earth shattering and it's like oh i love this person so much and they like don't love me back

blah blah you will never the kind of love you will feel when someone it is reciprocated and someone else like that's a different kind of that's a different level like it is just a different experience and a different kind of relationship and when it's not reciprocated like you said it's like think of it try as much as you can like honor your feelings but also think of it as like a this person let me know it's not this person let me know that they're not on the same page as me this person let me know that they're not my person and that's and it's not about you not being theirs it's they're not your person and once you are with the person who is right for you and you are both those feelings are reciprocated it is a complete like you are going to be so happy that

everything else didn't work out because this is who it's supposed to be with but it is hard and it's definitely hard like losing a friend too and i i went through this in high like my high school boyfriend i were best i mean we've known each other since we were in sixth grade but like we date and we were in seventh grade broke up like ended up becoming like best best friends in high school and when we broke up it was and it was like a mutual breakup but we it was earth-shattering because it's a friend and a breakup too and it doesn't mean that like you can still have loved him and like you know think about like that fondly and like can look back on that a bit like there but like it is a rough thing to get over and the biggest thing that I can say is just

space and time will make and then the next relationships you are in you'll be like okay this is when it's reciprocated thing yeah this is the thing that was missing and I'm so glad that like I didn't stay with the other thing because now I know that this is out there but it's hard because like that only happens a handful of times and so it is kind of waiting for that and like holding out hope for like that time that will eventually come and knowing that it will but it is definitely it's definitely a process and yeah eat some eat some whatever you can eat that i was gonna say ice cream but if you can't have dairy some dairy-free ice cream like like just yeah just really like honor those like sad feelings and all of that and then make a game plan

with your therapist also on this kind of separation and space to move on from this and i also i think after a while you might not you might realize you don't even necessarily really want to be his friend so so so badly you know that was the thing that i was like all upset about and then i was like i don't want to be your fucking friend like yeah because it might have been like the friendship was building upon romantic feelings that it was and then you romanticize what that friendship would be if you guys were together and then you got together exactly that was what mine was yeah totally sending you a virtual hug and it's fucking rough fucking rough i do recommend watching the twilight movies that was like my repeat anytime i'm upset i love them should i go

on to the next hi naked and melissa i'm a 24 year old libra with a lot of pisces in my chart and my boyfriend is an aquarius we've been together for three and a half years and i've lived together for the past year and a half a few months in our relationship he casually proposed to me like not with a ring or anything but told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wanted me to be his wife. But I told him that because it was so early in our relationship, and I had just turned 21, that I loved him and wanted those things too, but I wanted to wait and see where our relationship would go. So now three years later, we've been talking about marriage and starting a family. He says that he's even shown his mom the ring that he wants to get

me. Lately, though, when I've brought it up and asked him about the timing of when he thinks he'll propose, he says he doesn't know if he believes in marriage anymore. He says, why do I need a ring and a piece of paper from the government to prove my love and loyalty to you. And he doesn't have any, like, examples of successful marriages in his life. He's a single mom, and his grandparents were divorced. None of his aunts and uncles are married, and they all have kids. So to him, it's like, why don't you just start a family? Because that's what everybody in his life did.

But for me, I'm very traditional. I love, you know, I want to have a wedding. I want to be married to him. I want to be his wife. and i want to be married before we start having kids and so he and i both know that like we're the person that we want to spend the rest of each other's lives with but we just don't know what that's going to look like moving forward and i kind of feel you know a little blindsided by it because i put three and a half years into this i'm thinking that it was all leading towards

a marriage and now three and a half years later he's saying that's not what he wants but that he wants to just like be together forever and just start a family together but that we don't need to get married so i just need some advice on who to how to talk to him about this and how to move forward and how to make our relationship work moving forward anyway thank you guys so much have a great day bye-bye this is so hard because there's one of two options he's throwing you off of his scent and he's going to propose or he doesn't want to get married and he's like being like that is just honest and i don't want to get your hopes up and be like maybe he's gonna propose like maybe this is him throwing off the scent i mean i'm gonna

i fucking hope that's what this is because i think three and a half years into a relationship where like you have talked about like wanting to get married eventually to kind of just completely switch your tune and not in like a hey let's have a sit-down conversation like i have realized that i now don't want to get married if this is something that like you are okay with like but like do you know what i mean like it needs to be like if marriage is a deal breaker kind of conversation and so if he's not bringing it up in that kind of space that that's odd to me yeah I agree I would yeah have a conversation with him sit him down and be like hey um three years ago you were ready to get married just tell me what has changed let's just have a

conversation and talk this out because there might be like just like some specific something specific that happened and it like it changed his thoughts on marriage and but if you don't know what that is that's just unfair to you i'm curious where you are at when this car he started talking like this because if this has been three weeks i would give it a couple months because he might be this might be you might then end up ruining he's trying to throw you off his tracks for proposal and if you have a sit down talk you're just gonna you have to figure out are you okay potentially spoiling this i think she's okay because i think it's like i want to get married and if he's i don't want to waste my time like i need to know if he's if you're gonna propose

just let me know if you I don't want to be I don't want like to be thrown off I just want to know that I'm not wasting my time because this is what I want like I want to be married to you so those proposal can be a surprise like I don't need to know when that's happening but like are are your intentions towards because that's a major conversation like are your real intentions for marriage actually that you do not want to get married anymore that's not something that you should be playing around with. No, and I think there's also this idea that you need to throw someone off.

This happened with one of Mata's friends. He like was really trying to throw his like girlfriend off the scent. And I finally like talked to him. I was like, hey, I'm just gonna like let you know, like she doesn't really care. So like you're trying to like throw her off so she'll be like super surprised.

And I'm like, she doesn't really care that much about getting married. So like you need to like check yourself before you get to a level of like, you're trying to surprise her so much that you then just become a massive asshole because you're not getting that kind of way you're pushing her away like you're not getting that kind of like what reaction out of her because like marriage isn't like she's down to marry you but like marriage isn't something that she really

cares that much about and so like just fucking do it and like she'll be surprised and excited but like you don't need to keep like pushing this kind of like throwing her off the scent because yeah like the proposal should be the surprise not the marriage like not like knowing about the marriage itself yeah you i don't think you should ever be surprised that you're gonna get married like yes to that person who you're in a relationship with like that to me i'm like you should have those conversations like so yeah because you need to have that sit down talk and like like you said say all that's like if this is like you trying to throw me off the scent that you are going to propose like i'm just letting you know now that like this is not

i'm not enjoying this and like this is i'm being hurt yeah in the process of this and if and if it's not and if this is something you really like have changed your mind on like we need to have a conversation as to why because like i would like this is important to me and this is a deal breaker for me so like let's figure this out i just don't know so i would lose my mind if bots did that yeah so the but the the saying that like hey let's start a family first and all of that like your priorities can change like that can change as you get older and something and like matz and i have talked about that where um we don't want a kid like now or whatever like we've talked about like the timing of things like oh we want to like get engaged or get married before we have kids or

after and all of that like and those kind of things do change but like they are conversations you have with your partner so like i would understand if he's like you know i don't want to uh like maybe we have kids first like i was thinking about that but then that becomes like what do you think not like this is what i'm gonna like there are two parties in this so yeah just yeah if he's trying to throw you off the scent like both of the both of these instances i'm annoyed with him i mean i'm like come on no one needs that emotional turmoil of like if it's just to try and have like a surprise yeah i don't think it's cool i don't know me either and if it's not that then it's also just like that's not cool to kind of consider your like

not really have any not treat this as serious as a conversation as it is that's like no it's no regards for your feelings on either you know well let us know what happens please because i'm i'm very curious what his and if he proposes please send us like the picture the video and we can yell at him for putting you through this hey we are going to take a quick break and we will be right back hello we are back from our break and it's time to get into the rest of the calls. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I am 19 and I'm Aquarius. My pronouns are she, her. I am a freshman in college and at my university, we do have the in-person classes with social distancing and masking. I just wanted to clarify that for the story because it will kind of make sense a little

bit later. I am an art major and my drawing class in the fall, I started getting to know this guy who sat right across from me and this semester we have another class together and also sit right across from each other they're like art desks so um we basically are like you know sharing a desk but obviously very far away like 60 at least um so last semester we kind of were like snapping and talking a lot and I started having feelings for him but I didn't really want to recognize them because I think that I thought he was kind of too good for me. He's like so, so kind and sweet. And I think I just totally thought that he was too nice for me.

We did go to lunch one time, and I think it was a date, but he didn't really clarify. And we haven't really hung out outside of our art class, which are two hours long, and we're working. So we pretty much just are able to talk the entire time. And the problem is that about a month ago, one of my friends who was still in a year-long relationship at the time told me that she thought this friend was really cute and kind of liked him. She said it very nonchalantly and almost jokingly, which I was immediately like a little bit thrown off by because she wasn't a very monogamous relationship at the time.

And the time that I witnessed that relationship, she was, like, really mean, and, like, I'm not over-exaggerating that. She was, like, gaslighting him and manipulating him the whole time that I was seeing them together, which is, like, really sad because he was also just a really sweet and quiet guy. Well, she broke up with that boyfriend and is now dating my guy friend, who is also one of the sweetest in kind of people I've ever met. um and i just i just want to hear your thoughts on that and what i should do thank you guys so much love the podcast my thoughts are why are you friends with her but like did she know that you liked him oh yeah because if she didn't know then like you can't you didn't mention that to us so that's all i can you know go off of if she didn't know that you liked him then that's not i mean he didn't know that you liked him because you weren't forthcoming with his feelings so

with your feelings so if they got together then you know they're neither of them are at fault for this yeah i mean i don't think that i think that you think she's a shitty person so i don't know why you're friends with her and i think like to decode this i think a part of you wants to like warn him or like tell you what i mean but like this is what we talk about with like ulterior motives in this it's like you have feelings for him and she's toxic she's like a shitty person in relationships and that like you should tell him that and like warn him but you have something to gain in this and it's because you like him and i'm not discrediting and saying that she's like not like a shitty person but i will say why have you had conversations with her

about that like i saw one of my friends was just like treating like was emotionally abusive to their partner and all that i'm like what the fuck are you doing like you're like what the fuck like this is awful like why are you treating this person like shit and then if it's there is no change and there is no like wow i'm gonna go to therapy you're right i'm dealing with all this other shit like i would wouldn't be friends with that person anymore um but yeah like you said like if they don't know especially her like if he if he like had an indication or like and he just didn't reciprocate feelings and he didn't like outwardly like reject you and tell you that like hey i don't have that but like if she didn't know what she's supposed to do because like she can't just assume

yeah and you can find people cute while you're in a relationship with someone else and like again even if she like cheated on her boyfriend with him that if she didn't know that you had feelings for him like it has nothing to do with you do what i mean like as far as like from what you've told us like you have no the only connection you have is being like a mutual friend of both of them yeah so if she was like shitty to her past partner and she is like dating this guy or whatever unless she knows that you have feelings for him like you're not in that story do what i mean like you're not really involved in it to her knowledge and if she did know then like

fuck both of these people right you know because yeah i think it's that easy if she didn't know then there's nothing you can do about it and if she did know then she wasn't your friend to begin with and this is one of those things that like you would have to you have to be explicit it's not like oh well like i think there were like lots of signs there like i never outwardly said it but blah blah blah but like you really have yeah with their you didn't know if it was a date or not like it could have just been after class you guys just went yeah you really have to lay out those things kind of like explicitly and like because even if there's an indication you know you might think someone's cute it's like

my friend might like them but like i think he's cute she's never said that to me and like right so but yeah hey regardless of how this happened and what they knew i just think that like you have too many you have feelings for him so you need to pull away from your friendship with him to get over him and I don't think you like her as a person or as a friend and she sounds kind of like a shitty person and so I would end that friendship too yep easy peasy next call yes do it let's do it okay hi Megan and Melissa I literally have been trying to call about this forever um i'm 10 years old i'm a gemini and i moved to a new city i saw my roommate who was on facebook and we were in the city we decided to be friends with our roommates at least just like

you know to have a social life um and just like actually like vibe um and we facetimed a couple times and I thought she was chill um and I did have a gut feeling about it and I didn't follow it and then we moved and shortly I realized how um it was not a good match I felt very suffocated and like I couldn't have my own freedom you know I'm beginning to tell her every single time where I was going where I was um who I was with and I was doing like that kind of stuff that I don't even do with my partner or my family honestly and just like very controlling behavior that was making me feel really I don't know just sad and then I was like going back and forth on if I should move or not you know being together for a month I just felt like all my mental energy was

consumed I was not passive like I tried saying hey like you don't please like I feel suffocated when you communicate in that way like you know a couple of times being like I need to be able to feel like I can go on my own and like be my own person so I definitely was not um passive but now I decided to move. The studio does not have as much natural lighting because studios are expensive. Anyways, did I make a mistake? I'm going to move to a new city

and now living by myself. I've made a few friends, but I'm scared. Was I too abrupt? When do you know that you have to move and leave a roommate behind? I don't know. Help. I'm sorry if that was confusing.

Bye. And you're talking two serial coasters. yeah I think you did the right thing if it doesn't feel right in your gut then you went with your gut and I feel like you're going to be happier down the road it might it might feel like a little nerve-wracking right now like uh like you might have like hurt somebody but you have to you have to do what's best for you at the end of the day if you didn't think it was the right situation to be in you're not going to be in that and now you're uh you're happy with where you are so do you and doing the best thing for you in a situation is inherently

doing the best thing for the other person too yeah like they just don't know it and like you not wanting to be her roommate and it not working out you weren't going to be a good roommate to her and just you would have been resenting her the whole time yeah and it just and like we've had you've heard that we've had so many fucking calls about like horrible roommate situations and all of that kind of stuff and my like biggest regret with my college stuff was not leaving sooner and like not getting out sooner and like i'm so fucking and i had so many people be like stick it out like come on like i'm like so fucking glad i didn't stick it out like i wish i'd i'd fucking done all of that sooner and i think it's roommate stuff is hard and like you're young and this is

like that it sounds like the first instance you've kind of had with that but roommate drama will for the entire duration of having roommates there's always going like new things are going to rise there's always going to be something like like it's like dating it's like you have to find that right match and it sucks because it's like it's like getting married it's like married at first sight and then having to get divorced but that's what being a roommate is it's like okay Like you have to sign a fucking contract, move in together. And then we realize, oh shit, this isn't working. So I think we have to jump through more hoops to get there.

But if you just take away like that roommate relationship and think of it like as a friendship or dating or anything like that, it's completely normal that after X amount of time, you would realize, hey, we don't exactly mesh. And I think like we can feel a little bit more responsible when there are like contracts involved and like it is more of like your like living situation,

your life and all of that. but at the end of the day like those you have to yeah like you said you have to put yourself first and it ends up putting her first too but i wouldn't worry about it i think it's there is something hard about like that balance of finding a new roommate of like making sure they're not a serial killer but then also not becoming like close friends with someone before you've met them lived with them and then there is this like they feel this kind of expectation or something it is it's a very hard thing to deal with but she said she's living alone she's gonna live alone now right yeah studio lots of bright light you're gonna be yeah doing just fine i think everybody

who has the financial ability to live alone at some point totally should it's like a very great i 100 agree you learned so much about yourself i learned more about myself living alone than like being single granted i lived alone while being single so i guess i actually can't make that claim make that correlation but no i will say that um it's great not having to depend on other people yeah it's it's it's fucking awesome uh well you have our seal of approval granted you i mean again we ghost so so don't blame them is our segment where we have uh listeners call in with advice for previous episodes they've heard them they're like hey we have personal experience or

they agree or they've got like a different sort of insight to just give give another perspective or the same perspective and they just tell us we're doing amazing um so this is from season 7 episode 17 and um and the original call the caller was um her roommates were like jealous that well she thought that they might be jealous that they were um she was spending so much time with her boyfriend hey my name is melissa i use she her pronouns and i am calling in response to a don't blame them uh for season 7 of 2017 about the girl who has roommates who are really pissed off with her um for seeing her boyfriend so much so i guess I have a few open questions.

One, when the girl was... Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors.

Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. In a single, so out of the relationship, how many days was she spending with her roommates? I know that that's something that I personally struggled with with an ex-friend of mine. So when I got into a relationship,

instead of spending seven days a week with her ex-friend, we started spending like three or four days together. um so then that caused a lot of resentment for her and she ended up just being really jealous of that situation and then my also my second question is are your roommates actively wanting relationships and looking for them um because if that is the case and they really want a relationship and they see you you know kind of bouncing around throughout different relationships and things really easy for you I think it's really understanding that my mom and my therapist tell me a lot is the idea of like misery love company so if they are really sad that they can't find

a relationship and they you know it seems like you're always in one they're probably all bonding over the fact that they're jealous of you whether or not that's what they're explicitly saying which is really difficult um so i really empathize with you in that situation but to My understanding, it really doesn't sound like they're spending an awful amount of time with him or them. And honestly, I'm wondering if the main predicament in this problem is that the roommates are girls' girls and would prefer being with their friends, you know, because they don't have partners. Or if maybe you're just a relationship girl, which doesn't mean that you're not a girl's girl necessarily. It just means that if it came down to when it comes to your boyfriend or your girlfriend, do it when it comes to your boyfriend, which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing,

but I think that you and your friends are just having some predicaments there. Also, if you're looking for permission to just not go about that friendship whenever you got in an argument with them, by all means, do it. I think that they're just severely jealous of you and don't know how to manage their resentment probably towards you. and are honestly projecting their own insecurities about not being in a relationship and or not finding a partner

if that is what they are seeking out. Okay, I hope that helps. Bye-bye. I disagree with everything, but, you know, that's your opinion. That's my opinion. See, I know some Real Housewives quotes. I'm just going to say,

just to have like because like i your opinion is your opinion but because we don't have um the original call in here i want to like offer again my side of it because like i think people will agree with both sides i personally as someone in a long-term relationship i really don't believe in the idea that people uh single people's like dream and like everything is involved revolved around wanting to be in a relationship and like that that's like a jealousy kind of thing like I really hate that narrative because I just don't I don't buy it like as somebody who's had issues with friends who've been in relationships my issue was never oh I'm jealous of you I want to be in a relationship it's like you're being a shitty friend I don't give it like yeah I I'm

single I do want to be in a relationship now and I am genuinely happy for my friends that are in relationships that are in nice healthy relationships that you know add to their happiness not take away from everyone else's happiness yeah I just like toxic people are toxic but like being single doesn't make you toxic or do shitty things or anything like that and yeah I just don't I don't like be shitty people exactly we don't know that they might just be shitty people but that doesn't mean that that is they're shitty because she's in a relationship they just might be shitty people period yeah they just showed their true colors and like turns out they're shitty like and I yeah I just don't like that of like I don't know I also just don't really like the oh this person's jealous

of me as like a reason for anything in general i just because it's not constructive or helpful to either party and like even if people i talk about like hate online like oh they're just jealous i'm like no no that's not helpful to me what's helpful to me is like oh this person's probably going through a lot of stuff and they don't know how to like deal with their own emotions and so they're projecting but like that whole jealousy thing i i think it just kind of buys into this like heteronormative uh like nuclear family like getting married white picket fence like that kind of thing which is just super dated and you know fairy princess like we should that that like relationship stuff and then also being if you are choosing to hang out with your

partner over your friends every time you need better friends that to me is not just like a personality trait like oh I prefer hanging out with my partner I'm more of like a boyfriend like girlfriend kind of person than a friend person that's just you don't have the right friends yeah like and being a girl's girl and all of that kind of stuff like is something that like we as women should all aspire to be and like not being a girl's girl is like I'm not like other girls that kind of narrative of like internalized misogyny of the patriarchy telling us that like women aren't cool and like we shouldn't want to be friends with other women and like that whole reason is because when women band to get like that like not to make it like super political but it's

like when you see what happens when women get together and people get like me too movement all of this kind of stuff like there's a reason why like the patriarchy has made women feel shitty about themselves for so long it's because they don't want women to like you know captain marvel don't want you to tap into your own fucking power so uh i i'm glad that she the caller caught herself and was like you know you can be both and all of that but you can like be like a girl's girl and be in a relationship those things aren't mutually exclusive but if you are choosing to hang out with your partner over your friends every time you need better friends and also you are not a good friend so you're not going to be treated well by your friends if that's the case because

then your friends are essentially just placeholders for a relationship and if your entire worth is resting on a relationship like that's something to unpack right like you should have your own friends your own life and all of that and yeah you can be shitty people like you said it's not if they're shitty people they're shitty people regardless if they're single or not that has nothing to do with it and i still respect your opinion i just feel like i needed to i think we need all sides of the story and that's the problem yeah we can only give advice so for what we have yeah and i just don't want like we gave this perspective in like the original call and this is and we knew this was coming like this is the alternate perspective but i think if we're

going to present that one we have to still present our opinion and the other because i think yeah yeah i would really love an update from that original caller too though with some more details oh well that is it for our episode hope you all enjoyed we did it we did it we did it hooray door the explorer that's door yeah okay if you'd like to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com again let us know your pronouns keep it under three minutes you got to be 18 or over have your parents permission write it down practice melissa loves when you write it down and you're concise and clear oh gives her gives almost as

good as a covid test you're so fucking weird i can't believe it we follow us on instagram don't blah meme pod check us out on stitcher premium ad free leave us a review on the apple podcast app and videos are over on patreon we also do live streams twice a month for five dollars and the videos are only one dollar a month so you're literally getting between three and four video versions of the podcast for only a dollar and it helps us continue to do this show and if you have listened i don't remember what other episode it was but will also help us you know potentially expand the podcast universe our podcast universe not like the podcast on podcasting as a whole but you know podcasts featuring us so you love these smooth soothing sexy susan smooth oh it meant

soothing but i was gonna skid over that and you just had to call me out yes i did anything um that you want to promote just go to my instagram follow my instagram that's what i would like to you to promote follow me on instagram i just want to get to 10k so i can swipe up for episodes that's it that's good i would like people to follow me on instagram because um because after i came for little uh people who were upset about lolnaz um i i i don't know how those people were still left though i don't either i have like a theory that like people who found me from like my hacking videos and that kind of stuff um just followed i don't know but they still have been around the last few months i mean those thoughts that you had weren't anything new that you haven't covered

in the last year you know it is a really good question but it's also what happens when you have had an instagram account for i've been on instagram for like over 10 years right i think so yeah so i've been on for so long so that's also just a bunch of old accounts that essentially they just deactivated like when you've been around for a long time you will naturally lose followers um so i need to book like a cw show to like boost me back up or you can follow me if you have multiple you want to follow me on your regular account and your finsta yeah i appreciate it you can follow and mute me i don't care i just want to be able to swipe up for uh it is helpful yeah um buy my book buy my presets and wear a mask get vaccinated if you can

and have a blessed day don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts Edited by Katrina Henning and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.