Don't Blame Me! - S7E25: Red Flags

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Understaffed working conditions Parental career pressure Dealing with distrust of men Don't Blame Them: narcissistic mother-in-law   Call Transcriptions �� Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me starring someone who is fully vaccinated and someone who got their first shot me megan rinks and melissa demonts are you so excited i'm so excited that by like mid-june then i will be able to hug you and we can record this in person and i um will not lie to you i'm excited that i do have that time period to clean this room you said that last time so you've had you know over a week to start yes but i've chosen other projects to prioritize but i feel like this room was a priority at the beginning of quarantine that yes exactly that's how my brain works I start a project I literally like have the rug that was in here that I've been trying to sell still haven't sold it and do you

know why because I can't for the life of me figure out which fucking offer up account I created on what email and I keep getting these emails being like so-and-so inquired about your rug and then I click respond to the message and it's like we take you to the website you have no messages and I'm like what why don't you create a new new account and then have it designated like you know that's the one write it down in your notes app that's going to be my plan and then i was also thinking of doing like facebook marketplace but um making making like my friend do it so it's not my facebook because i get paranoid that someone's gonna try and you know murder me because i guess i just piss piss off a lot of people online so i'm thinking of that too and she's very responsible so she

could she could probably help me figure that out but you restricted someone i was in an argument with on our instagram yeah i didn't want it i was keeping it going i know hey but when someone when you restrict someone you can still see their comments yeah i know you just have to approve their comments i don't think they commented again yeah he did oh did you but he didn't at me in it so i didn't see it till later so then i was like whatever i want to respond to our our ongoing thread he just started a new comment boomer things yes i just want to know where they find where the thing is where did they find us he obviously listens to the show and follows the Instagram account so why are you here also I also looked him up on other things and like he's like

a grown-ass man with like like 40s 50s has two kids like what yeah dude there is this weird subset like I don't have like I'm not someone who has like a massive amount of male followers but I mean the mass majority of male followers that I have are um not straight but then anyone who is like over like like and then i just get into like these like old conservative men who just like respond to every single one of my stories and you know it's odd i'm like how did you get here i even have someone on twitter who like responded to my tweet who doesn't follow me who was like aren't you pro i was like about yelling about this woman that i know who murdered her dog and she was like responded going aren't you pro-choice i'm pretty sure i read that somewhere

like let her make her own choices and i'm like first of all you read them somewhere where my new yorker profile like what the fuck like where are you what are you talking about and then also like you don't know me like you and you're not pro-choice you bitch there's nothing that pisses me off more than people being like well aren't you pro-choice let her make a choice i'm like you're not pro-choice and that's not even how pro-choice whatever i know yeah that's like this this this man was talking about like celebrity it's like i'm not a celebrity not even close to being one and uh like don't say that because when you you are suggested as a public figure to follow okay don't tell yourself and i'm just like then he said that i was the puppeteer behind

the celebrities as a producer i mean you know me and grace me and grace were some alt-right extra hours before you came along and started pulling our strings grace and i are just grace and i are just empty shells you just stick your hand up our ass and make us you make us talk do all that shit oh god i had a good laugh i mean boomers yeah they can't take the heat that's also true yeah which i think he's gen x though that's almost worse yeah because they kind of just like hang in the background well because gen x like like boomers don't know how to use facebook but gen x does and like i don't think they have jobs and then there's on facebook all day and you're like oh i know where he works i looked up all the information good good he thinks

because he doesn't have his actual name on things that i can't find him anywhere he thinks that oh no no i'm sure he does because his account's blocked he only follows like 12 people um and he doesn't use his actual name but picture all i had to do is you know look up his username popped up on Twitter then I use this picture from Twitter to find him on Facebook it was very easy once I got there it's so I I do that shit yeah all I mean that's our professionally we could it's so quick I did that with um I did I'm gonna LinkedIn found where he works it was very easy I love that I did uh a siblings are dating Instagram story where I had people send you saw I know you saw I'm explaining to the viewers I forget that there's people listening to us we talked about

this already but um one girl had like submitted her and her boyfriend and i i didn't look at anyone's profiles before i like posted like the pictures because i didn't want like giveaways or whatever um and so then i looked at hers after she revealed that they were dating and i was like when they were dating i was like i thought they were siblings because yeah he looks older than her and i was like like i hope you're whatever click on it eventually click on him and i'm just like i do not like this man first i look at her profile she follows biden she follows like aoc she like you know she seems to be like a smart responsible young lady granted i think she's my age or older than me she just looks really young and i look at her boyfriend and i'm like

sus vibes those vibes if this man is not australian he's a he's a republican like you are blonde and tall and like really tan and strong but like the kind of tan that like your skin's leathery and so it's like are you australian or or are you republican so i look through oh oh who is he is following all of them then i look at the highlights he's on a boat with a blue lives matter flag and all of this stupid fucking shit and he's also following the accounts like i hate when people follow accounts that are like hot babes blah blah blah that are run by men nothing pisses me off more and they're not tagging who these girls are they're not even giving these girls promo they're just like stealing pictures to get off on and they're also like all just like

talking mad shit about these women and like i i hate it i hate it and it just pisses me off so he's following all of those accounts like post it reposted this a picture when it was the reveal and it was like okay they're dating and he looks too old for you and you deserve way better than a trump supporter and then her and i started messaging and what she said which i was like sis she was like how did you know he's a trump supporter and i was like did you not know and she was like well no i know it's just like is it really obvious and i was like yeah she doesn't want other people to know well and i was like and i was like so are you also republican she was like god no i don't even know how we make it work like i don't support that kind of stuff and i was like well if you're

passively you're passively supporting it by dating him like are you spending like a great deal of time every day like have you only been dating the meaning for two years and i was like have you had you made any headway on like in changing his like incorrect bigoted opinions and all that kind of stuff and then she immediately stopped responding so i was like dude being you're not like an ally if you are passive it's like this you're passive as fuck yeah like you're not doing anything when it matters like oh i mean you're voting hopefully but like that's the shit that pisses me the fuck off but i felt bad for her and like it was clear that it was like that was what she was worried about was people knowing you know the internet is very easy if you just look i know

i'm like tell your boyfriend not to have a fucking blue lives matter flag that he's posing in front of them but his face also just dead giveaway or tell him to fake an australian accent throw me off my track you know what i mean it was like a fitness dude and so it's like only goes one of two ways yeah insanity guys we're kind of stalling because our update uh you know ghosted us um i wonder if she got her times missed up mixed up because she was very enthusiastic about sharing her update and it's one that we got a lot of people to write in like people a lot of people responded to so let me actually intro to our uh show welcome hi so you're brand new here this is don't blame me. We're an advice show. You call in, leave us voicemails, and then we give our expert

advice and opinions and what we lack in credentials we make up for in said opinions. So if you want to call in for an upcoming episode, you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976. And international listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com. Now for the requirements of the voicemails that you're leaving, gotta let us know 18 or over, have your parents' permission, let us know your pronouns and then practice write down what you're going to say you only have three minutes and you will be cut off by literally google but also like a three minutes is a long time we a lot of people will like call in and they'll speed through their thing and they're like i i know i'm running on time and they have a whole minute left so yeah you write it out and

practice and time yourself i think you can you know have a more fulfilling call where we can give you all the information and then you don't have to skip out on information because you think that you're running low on time but then there's also something sometimes that happens when you're not timing and you haven't practiced where you give so many unnecessary details at the beginning that by the time you get to the end you're rushing and missing stuff so practice write it down time it all of that um and then we will give you our fantastic opinions and we're super super super great we definitely give uh can you set the bar a little lower okay we're we're we're we're okay we're deece we're pretty deece but um we give advice like we give advice to each other we're

tough love but also we care about all of you but we're not sugar coders we're not like peace love optimism and any of that kind of stuff so the friend we're the advice that your friends who have been like no girl you got it like it's good like don't worry i'm sure he'll be awesome well we'll shoot it to you straight that's what you need you know oh i know we're the opposite of that yes man movie we're like nah bitch nah bitch is there anything else no i think we're good we can just get into the episode i guess okay let's get on into the episode hey megan and melissa i'm calling because i'm having some problems with the management at my work um i'm 22 years old my pronouns are she her and i'm a tourist to preface i have three jobs too which

are like real people jobs that i work part-time at my third job is that i own a small business so i'm a pretty busy person trying to do it all one of my part-time jobs has been really difficult lately in terms of feeling taken care of at work this is a new small business that opened up during the pandemic and the owners also have a baby so keep that in mind. Basically we're not getting breaks. Usually it's just two people scheduled at a time and usually only one of those people is able to do a crucial job which means that when that person needs to take a break or use the washroom they can't if a customer needs to be served. That person being me. If there's a lull I'll just tuck into the corner and eat some of my lunch but it usually never gets finished while

it's still hot because I keep having to leave it to serve customers. One of the owners will come into cover breaks but this means i feel pressured to still eat my food quick and get back to work because he always makes me feel like a burden um yeah like when he has to do something more important uh then you know cover breaks like fix something uh yeah we also work nine hour shifts so basically i'm asking for the bare minimum here they do pay well though so that's not an issue but that doesn't excuse not giving your employee a 30 minute break which is legal i find bringing this stuff up really difficult because they're always talking about how tired they are and how difficult it is to have a baby and operate a small business but this leaves me always feeling like a

burden when asking for things one of the managers is also quite particular and likes to point out when I've done things wrong often which I don't agree with because I've been working in this industry for longer than him and I know that I'm good at my job I brought this up in a staff meeting recently and when I asked for a third person on who so who can cover breaks I was shut down right away with well we can't afford that right now so it made me never want to ask questions again I understand that I'm not asking for too much by needing help like an extra person would help out a ton it would mean that the two people can actually get get the shift duties done I've also tried to be helpful by taking on extra duties to help the owners out so they know they

have a lot on their plates and it's hard to have a baby in a new business I get that this is the job also that makes me the majority of my income so I don't want to lose what's keeping me afloat my other job um is the job that makes me really happy so I stay there because it makes me happy but this one makes makes my income for sure and then my small businesses that'll make me income eventually anyways I just want your opinions on how I can bring this up to my bosses gently um that I'm basically feeling overworked and undervalued even though I only work two days a week at this job. But I don't know. I would just love your input because I'm finding it hard to bring this up in a way that will actually make things move forward. Thank you. I mean, this is

illegal. It's very much illegal. If you can't afford to pay your employees and be in compliance with the law, then you shouldn't be in business and you don't need to be in business. And if you reported this to the ocean i don't know whatever the workforce people in your county your city then they would get shut down or fined at the at the lease and then they would be required to bring someone else in yeah i mean the whole thing of like you feeling like empathy or like sympathizing for like oh wow you've got this baby and like all of this stuff like that's manipulation like that has nothing to do with you and your job like they decided to have a baby and open a small business in the middle of pandemic like they did that like that's on them and if they're they

they're not able to do both and pay people and do it legally then they like that's on them and it's not your responsibility but the issue is this is where you're getting the majority of your income so i mean before you said that i was like report them that's what you should do but you really can't stand to lose this job so I would I would do two things at the same time I would like sit to sit with like the other people that you work with and like you all kind of band together and have a conversation and approach so it's not just like one person and at the same time like the manager because if there's only two of them working then the manager would be the other person right and so and the manager is kind of on their side so did they mean it oh I my mind

only two people are ever working at once but they do they swap out it's every those are the only two people hired i would think if the manager's the one that's there and being particular about her not doing the job then that would mean right that that does make sense that they were the only two employees in general not just on one ship yeah i mean are there while she's there yeah there could be more but there those are just the people that are there while she's there well that's what i'm curious if there are people who are working while you're not there like having a conversation with them to talk about like how that's kind of like what that is because like i also are you being paid under the table because like that's the thing that like are

you having because like legally you do have to clock out for breaks and so like are you are they having you fake your work like document like are you faking that kind of stuff because like that's again not good and i know it seems like this is like a retail job maybe retail or food service maybe yeah are there other jobs within like close to you that you can see because you're working there two days a week are there other similar jobs that are around you that you know are take care of their employees that yeah i would look for a new job but i would also say Like if you're not being, you still need to report them. Yeah.

But I would say if you're not being paid under the table, be like, you're going to have to, if you're, I'm not faking work documents and I'm not doing this kind of stuff. Also, you shouldn't feel obligated to quote unquote, help them out because that's not part of your job. No. Well, and also what would happen if you had your break and you were like, when, when each of you have your break, you and the manager, it's just going to run slow. sorry i'm only one person on right now like i know that that's rough and that can feel like

a lot of pressure on that singular person but if like it's like no the service is going to suffer if we don't have a third person there and like kind of putting your foot down and be like no i'm not going to work through my break that's not going to happen like yeah i mean even like them fixing broken things like why this is a new business why are things breaking down yeah um that just means that they weren't prepared to go into business i mean i used to work at this um this was back when i was in college i worked at this company that was like a new company that was a fitness type place oh i remember and they it was only two of us working but then someone would come either the bosses or their sister would come in and cover when we had to do breaks

so if they're not doing that then like they can come in fix this stuff when you're not supposed to be on a break and then when you go on break they're there to cover for you yeah yeah this just seems like i think right now they're kind of making you feel like they have all of this power and they don't like if they're this fucking desperate and all of that stuff like nobody is this isn't like a you thing they're not going to be able to have someone working there who's like chill maybe like and if they have someone who's like chill with like not taking breaks and like legally all of it like it will blow up in their face eventually and so like if searching for a new job but then also putting your foot down and like you don't own this company so like if

you don't need to go like two thousand percent above and beyond because they're not doing that for you no i i mean as a small business you should be working more than your employees and they're not like i work so much so much every freaking week and um i i don't have breaks i don't take time off like when i like my time off quote unquote is like a few hours on the weekends it's not even a full day so they're not putting in the work so you shouldn't be punished for that yeah i mean i think it's a risky move to kind of call their bluff and be like i'm just not i'm not gonna do all of this like i'm going to take my breaks and all that but i think the only way that that's like not a really potentially reckless decision is if you're also simultaneously

looking for a new job um and even if it's also a new job that is just like temporary but that's not like a that's not going to be a long-term one like maybe look into like some nannying jobs that are like these nights like because it's it's two days a week from like these hours or whatever and like having that guaranteed kind of thing um because like that's always a really great in-between job is nannying because it's great money yeah but some people aren't no yeah into it but you know there's i don't know where you live or what the job situations are in your area but this is the bottom line is it's illegal that's the bottom line so you gotta well and i mean i think a power move is being like sitting down with your bosses and

being like i this is how i feel about this and like this is like really hard for me and like this either needs to be like you need to hire a third person and if you can't afford that then someone needs to come in during every break and one of you needs to be here to be that third person to do all of that and if not i am going to report you for this being illegal and if you fire me i'm also going to report for a wrongful termination and report this business for doing this and it's illegal checkmate bitch like which i mean it's pretty hard it's going to make for a hostile work environment you have i i honestly think you have to leave this place yeah that's the only way because it's going to be hostile no matter what so i think you need to call them out

on all this shit but have another job lined up yeah without a doubt without a doubt and then when you leave you should still report it yes who gives a fuck if they have a baby that's yeah but that shit took nine months to incubate they had fucking time and they don't both have to be there to watch the baby no the baby can fucking come to work yeah fucking wear that shit yeah unless you work at like a knife shop like dum dum dum dum dum dum um oh what what else also is this like not allowed but like if someone has a break and there's one person can you schedule to have your the breaks at the same time and you just shut down for 30 minutes you can do that break yeah you could do that and let them know that like there are options to do this but like

ultimately like legally we need to be able to have yeah if it's during like a a if they schedule it during a slower time then yes you can do that yeah literally just closed sign will be back yeah people you see those signs all the time yeah but i just grew up in a small town so i always wondered if that's it sometimes it was like i'm like i don't even think they're i think they're just yeah wandering around i don't think it's like a scheduled thing but well best of luck and i apologize because like not being confrontational and like not really yeah that's like a hard it's a hard situation to be in because yeah i mean if i was in the situation i would just not show up to work anymore but i'd already have another job lined up and this is just me and i

know that you don't sound like that type of person um i'd already have another job lined up when i wouldn't even because i'm not like a really confrontational person or i wasn't back when you know i was working for other people i wasn't confrontational so i would have just found another job and then not showed up yeah oh okay should we go on to the uh the next i'm 25 years old and i'm a horse oh my pronouns are she her so back in 2017 i graduated from college with a degree in biology um i originally went to college with my doctor a medical doctor And about halfway through, I realized it wasn't a good career for me. A little bit of background.

I'm a first-generation immigrant from the United States. My parents worked really hard to provide for our family and to get us here. My dad is a successful biologist. He has a PhD and he's working internationally. And it's kind of like the, you know, the success story of this family. And ever since I was growing up, they've made it very clear to me and my siblings that there were only a few career paths that they would really support and help us achieve. And so that's kind of the biggest reason why I think I wanted to be a doctor,

was because I knew that there were only a few options that my parents really wanted us to pursue. And when I decided in college that I didn't want to be a doctor, I felt, well, the next best thing would be to get a PhD. I wouldn't be a medical doctor, but at least I would have a doctorate degree. So I graduated in 2017 and knew still that I probably didn't want to be, I probably didn't want to enter the PhD program. I was a leader against my family. So instead, I decided to get a job in a research lab,

and I've been working in a research lab ever since. Now, every year that I have been working, my parents have been constantly asking me about the PhD program, but I've actually applied a few times and I've just not gotten into the program that I've applied to. the competition is really competitive and I think that you know I don't know in some ways I think it's kind of a blessing that I didn't get it I really know in the back of my mind that I don't want to do it I'm doing it so what they desire for me um I just bought a house this year so I

obviously do it really well but I feel as though my relationship with my parents will never be good unless I go and get the PhD I don't really know what other options I have what other options I do have, because I've had talking about it in the past for the last couple of years, and they still have made it very clear that until I get that CC or until I get that doctorate degree, they really won't be happy with what I'm doing. I'm currently

actually about to start a master's program because it will help my field, and with all the extra time and space that I have that I'll have soon, I am, you know, looking at the other hobbies and ventures, entrepreneur ventures that I've always wanted to do. But they really don't

like that then it's still not easy so i don't know how i can talk to them or what i should do about my situation it's really hard because i do want to make them happy but i also want to live my whole life thanks it's difficult i mean i have experience with this yeah i was gonna say you you can speak on this far more than i can so you know i studied biology as well i was planning to go to dental school, my parents had instilled in me since I was a child that, you know, this is my path. This is the path that we have for you. And we're not immigrants, but you know, I feel like when you're part of a marginalized group, then, I mean, I think we've all heard this speech in some way or another that was kind of, you know, we've heard it. And then it was like immortalized

by Papa Pope on scandal when he said, you know, we have to be twice as good to get half of what they had. And so our parents just want us to be just as educated and more educated so that we can do better than the previous generation. And, and this, I think this is for any generation. It was just like, and it doesn't have to do with immigrants or any marginalized group. It's just that, you know, you just work hard and pull yourselves up by the bootstraps, then you're just going to have the American dream. And that's simply, and it just took out a lot of like happiness and, and mental wellbeing and mental clarity. And I, for me, when I told, I was terrified when I told my parents that I was not going to dental school and they kind of

didn't believe me at first. Um, and it took a minute for them to come around. But when I like talk to them about how I was feeling, how I was doing, um, what going into a different field would mean to me. And then when they saw me working in the other field, the entertainment industry, and then saw how, um, fulfilling it was for me, um, then they came around to it. They support me 100% now. And I think maybe, I don't know if you've had like the actual conversation with them about this is not what I want instead of just scurrying around it and you know doing things to show that you're taking the steps to go to the next thing just being direct like this I'm fine with where I am I'm successful I bought a house like I'm good this this is what

I need for myself I don't need this for you yeah I think like you're right the important thing is like I think your parents are thinking like this is what made me happy it will make you happy and if like having a conversation with them that it's like I'm so glad that this was your calling and this is what made you really happy and like I I'm really happy with where I'm at and that I that doesn't make me happy I really don't want to do that that's not something that like it's not because I don't think I'll be good or like I don't I I know deep in my gut like that's not for me and I don't want to be miserable doing this thing just to make you happy. And I really hope that something that makes me so miserable is not going to make you happy. I hope you're not happy that

I'm miserable. And like, I want you to see right now that like, I don't feel that I've like failed personally. Like I just feel like I'm just, I've disappointed you. And it's hard to grapple with the choice of like, do I do what makes me happy and sacrifice? Do I do what makes me happy and sacrifice your happiness or do i sacrifice my happiness to make you happy and like i i you're right you have to have that conversation with them but i think also if you focus on like yeah your happiness and that i the idea for them that if it's like well no like this means this security and like this means all of this and like it might take a while for them to kind of come around to it but like everyone's path is going to be different and what makes one person happy won't make

somebody else and also the sacrifices that you have to make to get to that goal so like when you really want to fucking become a doctor and like you're going through all that school like you're doing that because you are looking forward to like the light at the end of the tunnel but like for you like when you don't want that and so all the fucking work you have to put or not doctor like phd like but like to do like the fucking work in itself is you don't even want that end goal and that's like so so much and it doesn't sound like you're relying on them like financially like it sounds like you bought a house like you're good with that but yeah i mean it's hard to feel like you've disappointed people and it's probably will take some time i mean like me

dropping out of college i had nobody who thought it was a good idea not even my friends and it like i had to explain to them and they're like no college is such a great experience like you're having a great time I'm having a horrible time and like that's not like I don't want to go try somewhere else I don't want to go do any of this other thing but like it's really hard for people to see something that they've really enjoyed and have you not enjoy it because then something that I also had to learn was like I had to explain I'm like I'm not judging you for enjoying this I'm not trying to say that like this is like you are wrong or that this isn't good or this is like a bad thing as a concept. Like this was bad for me, just like bell-bottom jeans might be bad for

you. Like that doesn't mean that they're coming back soon. I mean, I live for them too, but you know, how fashion it's like, I feel like next five, three to five years, it's going to be that I'm, I'm, I'm, I already have so many, so I'm ready for it. But yeah, it's like, it's, it's about explaining like, this isn't what makes me happy. And that's not a judgment on what makes you happy and i'm so grateful for all of this but we have different priorities and we're different people and it might just hit yeah take a while yeah which is rough but congratulations on all your success yeah well best of luck um and yeah you know i think another great thing is to like show how happy you are to your parents and that kind of stuff and be proud which can be hard when

someone you feel like you're disappointing someone yeah the best of luck let's take a break and we will be right back after these messages and we're back should we get into the rest of the calls hi mick and melissa and all your little fuckers out there i have a problem that has been building up for a few years and has come to a head recently uh around christmas last year and it's still going strong uh there's a lot of backstory but basically i'm 26 my boyfriend's 29 we use she her and he him pronouns respectively and we've been together for almost 10 years and we've been through a lot together um the problem we're having now regards my family there's always been a rather strained

relationship between my family and my boyfriend for various reasons at first when we were teenagers they didn't really necessarily agree with all of his choices but they got over it when they realized i was serious about him and they got to know each other better recently we've been noticing that there's been a lack of respect from my family. It's been a lot of little things that build up to a big lack of respect. For example, he has never really gotten any birthday presents from them and he feels like they aren't making an effort. we brought this to them or i did i brought this to them alone um around christmas time and we talked about it a little bit but we've never talked about this the four of us together

um my boyfriend basically thinks that they must be doing this on purpose but i think my i think my dad especially is a little bit clueless when it comes to social cues and I think they have a very different love language so I don't think he's doing this on purpose I'm not trying to make excuses for him but I'm just saying I just feel like we should give him a chance but but now my boyfriend basically doesn't want to talk to them he doesn't he's been ignoring my dad's calls and he feels like shit about this I feel like shit about this and they feel like shit about this and I don't know what to do I don't want to have to choose between my boyfriend and my family I want to stand by my boyfriend but I also

would like to keep a close relationship with my family or at least a relationship um there's probably details I miss your guys are missing but I'm running out of time so yeah what do I do thanks you guys we need we definitely need more details because like right now i'm not on your boyfriend's side at all like me either i'm so confused and if your dad is like calling him it sounds like your dad's trying to make headway so and then they're ignoring the calls i mean like i think the first step would be to talk to them and you have to answer a phone to be able to talk to them yeah and like i don't know why the relationship is they didn't agree with some of his choices when you first started dating but you were if you've

been dating for 10 years you were 13 and 13 and 16 it's a little weird no 10 years 16 and 19 still it's still still a little weird which like to be fair mott's and i have a larger i think a larger age gap yeah that but it's that different age so like did they if it was your parents did they not agree that an 18 year old was dating a 16 year old because like unless the country in this age of consent is 16 which it might be i as a parent would not be stoked but like you've been together for 10 years and your parents have like realized you're serious about him so what's his issue yeah like he hasn't gotten birthday presents from your family moth's parents don't get me birthday presents like what like yeah i don't even think i'm trying

i think like i don't think my parents get my brother-in-law's birthday presents i don't even get my sister's birthday presents because i have kids so he's giving the kids birthday presents yeah like i'm just confused by that like what what is your boyfriend i mean 10 years as i mean obviously he's grown up physically but like has he grown up emotionally how does he treat you is he respecting you does he respect them doesn't sound like it yeah like just the whole thing that like he's ignoring their calls and like it but i'm just like what like it doesn't sound like he's putting forth effort and your family's kind of like putting a wall up it sounds like the other way around and like is it that his family gets you birthday presents and like he's

like well if they don't then like why don't like that's just do you give him a lot of our presence his love language does he get your parents presents for their hit their birthday and they're just like not reciprocating it because like that would make more sense to me if you are doing something and that person is not reciprocating that act if that's your goal which like i don't think you should ever like have to reciprocate but like if his goal is like oh i give your parents birthday presents because i want them in return and they don't then like maybe gift giving is not their love language like you've said and like you know then they then he stops giving them presents and then put like stopped putting forth this effort which

the only thing is you're trying to get something in return right yeah this just seems like i will be super frank we do we 1000 need more information because what my from the little information we have about this like it sounds like your boyfriend is trying to create a wedge between you and your family which is like a massive red flag and for what you can't you can't have a relationship with no communications and if you're cutting off the communication then there can't be a relationship no and like yeah and I to be fair how you are talking about this I do wonder if you think your boyfriend is also being ridiculous but like you're trying to be really like mental yeah and like trying to like you don't want to think of him like that and so you're trying really hard

but like the fact that you didn't give us any specifics also makes me wonder like has he not given you specifics like is it just like he's like oh it's a vibe like I feel like they don't like me and if they don't like you and like it's a weird vibe like who cares move on like be an adult like if you want to be a part of this family like come on yeah it's not about you leaving him it would be about him being out of the picture because like yeah it's just i have so many questions so please let us um call back yeah call back please and um let's get into our next one hello i'm 26 years old my pronouns are she her and i'm straight i am from a second world country and recently i've moved to the uk in hopes of a better life so the men in my family were and

are unreliable have such deep issues of their own that their prejudices advice and judgment are so wrong and disconnected from reality that they can't even offer moral support. My decisions are often questioned and I'm always left with their advice on how they think I should live my life. Anyways, all this to say that my romantic life is non-existent. I was never in any kind of relationship. Definitely, I'm still a virgin. I don't remember the last time I had a crush on a guy in my surroundings, I'm completely sexually unexperienced. I have questioned my sexuality, if I'm straight, and if so, am I asexual or graysexual, but I'm just a boring straight person. I love reading historical romances that are hot and heavy. I masturbate, but any time

that i can choose to interact with the woman over a man i choose the woman doesn't matter if i'm in a store at the bank at work anywhere all my friends are female i think i deeply consciously distrust men and i don't know how to get over that how to manage it i'm not a fan of the dating apps but i'm still on them i usually quickly ask to meet up with the guys but because of covid just texting with them didn't interest me, so I just stopped using the apps. It seems I wasn't really interested in getting to know anyone, and I've never been attracted enough for casual hookup. Another thing to add. Before COVID, my friend asked me why I stressed out too much over meeting guys and what might happen if I were interested in them. She said I took it too seriously.

so there's that but all that can wait until i get vaccinated until then i'd like to work on my prejudices towards them please help i know this requires the attention of a trained professional and i'm working towards that thank you bye this is a very thorough call so thank you really answered like knew all of the questions we were going to ask yeah um but yeah i mean i think you've done a lot of self-reflecting and like checking in with yourself and like talking through your emotions and figuring all of this out like you've landed on you have an innate distrust of men and that's what's like holding you back from dating um I think that like yes therapy is like that is like the most important kind of like step and thing to do but i would say um

i kind of would i actually think that would is probably not the best idea to try and gain your trust of men through romantic relationships i think that's setting you up for failure because like that because it's just it's not just about them being men it's also about like there's a there's yeah there's two different trust levels there because there's like the friendship you have to trust them on a friendship level or if there's more than two but you have to trust them on a friendship level on a romantic level and on a sexual level and probably other levels too but I think those are the the big three that you have um trust issues with so I think maybe just it's not not even like trying to like you were saying trying to be friends with

or trying to date someone that's how you get it I think the first one is trying to be friends with someone yeah and I would start with like do you have a female friend that has another male friend Do you have like a friend who has like a brother or a cousin that they're close with or something like that where it can be like, I don't know, I don't say like pre vetted, but yeah, kind of this like, oh, this person is here. So like I can I'm comfortable with these women that I'm friends with. And this is like one of their male friends that I get to meet that way. But yeah, I think you need to it needs to be friendship first, because men will disappoint you. and in general but people you date will also disappoint you and then having that be just going to be really it's like i'm going to be really fucking hard for like the first experience

you have with a man is going to succeed romantically friendship wise and then also like all of those other things like it's it's a lot to ride on that for one singular person to like kind of do that but i think um yeah like friendships is like a great way i think like having um i think a great thing that's hopefully therapy will be able to like decipher with you too is you don't want to kind of um what is it like you know exposure therapy or whatever like this is a situation where like you you need to you still remind like be in touch in tune with your gut like don't put yourself in situations that are like don't that feel icky to you that feel like this doesn't really feel safe like you when you're pushing yourself out of your comfort zone

like doing that in a way that is like regulated and not like oh well I have this innate distrust of men but I need to like that's that's also not a bad thing that's I think most women have an innate distrust of men in general and so it's about like okay well how can I get a grasp on and understand this more and like work towards like trusting some men so that i can have relationships and date and all of that but not like a throw caution to the wind and say fuck it so to that i would really recommend getting a female therapist who understands the fear that can come that women have towards men and not a male therapist who just more likely than not like sure maybe we'll be understanding of it but won't know the fact

that there's still danger in general and i think that even the caller wouldn't be able to adjust to the therapy because they wouldn't be able to trust what the therapist is saying and that's another hurdle that you would have to get over yeah i think that like with this because this is like having a distrust of um like sharks or like bears or something that it's like it's i'm not like terrified of this isn't like an irrational kind of thing like this is something that like having a healthy sense of like skepticism and like fear and distrust of like statistically like I should and so making sure that like you're still checking in with yourself and if you have friends who like have male friends like check in with them and all of that just making sure that you're not

writing off all of your feelings as being you and not like oh I can like recognize that this is like a, this is not a safe person, or this is like not an okay situation or anything like that, which I think also just talking with friends and a female therapist and all that, I think will be able to help you a lot more. And also therapy can help you unpack, like you're able to notice that like, okay, the men in my life caused this kind of thing. And through therapy, it's healing that to then be able to move on as opposed to just being like, which is something that I had to learn, which it wasn't like, well, I know

why I'm fucked up. So like, I know it's like, what else am I going to need to do? And my therapist was like, okay, yeah. Like knowing, like you've done like a great amount of work to know that, but like, what have you done to cope with that? And like, get through that. You can't just knowing it isn't, doesn't mean that you're okay. Or like you've worked your way through it and anything like that.

So I think that's going to be helpful too. And you might just have like an innate, the more you talk about it with someone and work through your past and all of that i think it'll also come a little bit more naturally yep you know i agree don't blame them is where a listener will call in with their own advice from a previous episode so maybe they have personal experience with something or they heard something on a call and they they have they gotta say something and so they're calling in to let us know their insight Hi, I'm calling for a Don't Blame Them, Season 7, Episode 23, about the woman who had a narcissistic mother-in-law. I'm 22 and use she, her pronouns.

As soon as I heard the call, I had to call in because I have personal experience with a narcissistic parent because my dad dated one when the lockdown began and the three of us lived together. Our situations were so similar because she was super nice in the beginning and asked me about my life, only to use it against me later she also made wild accusations against me and my dad and a lot of times with those wild accusations it could be a form of projection so the nude sent to the brother that they were talking about might have something to do with projection from the mother-in-law it's so important for both the caller and her boyfriend to go to therapy and also research

what you can on narcissism after my dad broke up with his girlfriend he did a bunch of research and also joined a facebook group for people who survive narcissistic abuse the most important thing the caller and her boyfriend have to do is go what is called no contact, and completely cut the person out of their life. We had to do that with my dad's ex because any chance she had to get to us, she just caused more damage and it's impossible to distance yourself from abusive people like that without completely cutting them off. What I would do since it's more on the caller's boyfriend to cut the mom off is encourage him to go to therapy and find communities of people with narcissistic parents because they will point them in the

direction to eventually going no contact with the person. So, yeah, I'm so sorry the caller is going through this. It's so hard to have these kinds of people into your life and cause so much damage. I really feel for you. Anyways, Megan and Melissa, I love the show and always recommend it to all my friends. so i think i got y'all a couple new listeners right thank you we slowly become an mlm we give you affiliate codes to make your friends listen to the show what would the codes be for it doesn't matter because it's an ml word yeah nothing good vibes we give you good vibes that's

our uh it's kind of like cryptocurrency yeah it's an nft that's so funny this is great yeah great advice super super super great advice um i also think that uh talking with when like you're when the original caller her boyfriend like finding a therapist or anything like that um a lot of times people like you know you can like ask like specifically your therapist like making sure you specialize in a lot of things um but saying that like do you have experience dealing with like narcissistic like parents and that kind of stuff that's really important and like most therapists will actually like my therapist like my therapist is like told me she was like no i have a narcissistic mom so like this is and that's

like where it'll be like um uh being a little bit more open and like your therapist like talking like i have experience with this personally because it can be pretty hard especially if going to a therapist who's older than you who has kids um that uh even if the therapist will not be like biased in any way it can be hard as the person in therapy to be able to be really open without knowing that that person is like oh this is you know this is a common thing that i deal with either with like my patients or anything like that like i'm not going to like lead you astray which most won't but having that kind of sense of understanding is great because you never want a therapist who's like well they they are your parent and you're like that was not my choice

sadly i do know that and that's the issue so yeah great advice great advice and i'm glad that um this uh the don't blame me call i mean don't blame them call i'm glad that your dad got out of that relationship me too it's also so strange like being quarantined with them can't imagine would die i know they think about that like you can't imagine though i can't imagine no i think about all the time about like i feel for kids who are like in like rough home situations like if i was in high school middle school any age during i holy fuck would have been so so brutal so but thank you for calling and giving this advice and i'm glad you mentioned the no contact thing because that's like actually like a essentially like what the um the treatment

for dealing with like people who have narcissistic personality disorder or forms of uh narcissism in that is that like everything is working towards no contact um but yeah that is our episode hope you all enjoyed if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com i'm throwing that in there because people have been missing my i saw that because we have changed our instagram handle to buy dot megan dot and dot melissa dot not dot but so people are sad there's no more don't blah meme pod i mean it's still there in your heart if you think about it yeah still exists does so but follow our instagram we

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and if you're in our facebook group people do sing the praises of them and we're currently using the laptop stand that everyone helped me set up yes in one yes um what do you want to promote also before i promote myself i would also like to say um that if you're in the facebook group if you delete if you like post men are trash then it if you know it gets automatically deleted so i recently said it backwards i typed everything out backwards and it did not get deleted so if that is what you're feeling trash or men no i didn't even do that i spelled it completely backwards oh yes nice yes okay yes and it didn't get deleted and a lot of people picked up on it because they like tapped they did the little haha thing so great we found a

workaround we might have a workaround for now i think they'll probably catch on later but we have one for now i really want to contact facebook to be like okay keep keep women are trash that's for sure flag that we don't need to flag men are trash this is not hate speech this is fact and they have articles written on this already that you can google oh drives me crazy um what else anything else no no what do you want to promote uh just follow me on instagram please oh i also will be um starting to uh do consultations for podcasts so if you'd like to start a podcast then go to my um my website uh diamond imprint dot productions and sign up if you were interested hell yeah follow us both on instagram follow me on tiktok

my instagram may be declining but my tiktok is growing so i'm abandoning my roots is dance too well because i'm making i'm giving moth an education of like all of the albums and um so it's been he's he's been liking them he's been enjoying them and i've been enjoying just dancing around like a lunatic but i also did make the greatest tiktok of my life which was you saw that video of that the um that instagram model who matched with ben affleck on on raya she unmatched him because like she didn't think it was real um and then he dm'd her this creepy ass video why did you unmatch me it's me and then i stitched it with todd cranes auntie chris it's me todd cranes scott disick from kivu kardashians and

mons has never seen it and he was dying but it made me so happy i thought someone else was gonna make it and then i was like i'll make it you did it you did it good job thank you you know top of the algorithm i don't know i'm just saying words but i do agree i do enjoy reading through your comments i can't when you fucking commented back to someone when is freakish season three was freakish canceled you said no season three's coming in the fall fuck off it's been years i know it's so funny the amount of people who do still ask me and i'm like nope so so also like all you guys were playing college students i mean high school students and you were clearly older than high school students but now you're like very much

adults like oh yeah yeah leo still plays a fucking high school student though i'm pretty sure well leo's is he's the youngest yeah i think he is the youngest he is yes yeah okay um that's it we will see you all next time get vaccinated wear a mask and don't kill anybody goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso