Don't Blame Me! - S7E26: Suspicious Rash

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Leaving a long-term relationship Wedding invitations Boyfriend fighting with your family Don't Blame Them: living with friends   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode don't blame me this is our season finale don't worry everyone it really means absolutely nothing it's just for numbers and organizing all of it so there will be an episode next week so we have no hiatus no we're just stuck here and you guys are stuck with us unless you want to unsubscribe uh please don't do that because we have no union rights that's why we need a podcasting union uh well if you are new here this is an advice podcast you call in you leave us voicemails and then we your fantastic co-host hi i'm megan joined by melissa hi we give you our incredible amazing show stopping never been done before put it in a blender shit it out eat it all of that fantastic advice and what we lack

in credentials we make up for in personality that too opinions and personality opinions but i wanted to add a little it is truly personality and humor i might be a bitch but at least i'm funny um so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you write down what you're going to say in your call time it out practice because you got to keep it under three minutes and we want as much information as possible always include your ages if it's about relationships how long you've been dating let us know your pronouns and whoever else is in the call and featured their pronouns we keep it all anonymous got to be 18

or over have your parents permission and anything else today is there any other requirements we have you covered it well just know if you want to get on melissa's very short gold star list you got to keep it not even necessarily short and sweet but condensed what's new with you i have on some blue light glasses because last episode my eye was leaking and burning and so uh now i have these on so i know that people are watching see a huge glare um i don't apologize because if i didn't have them on then my eyes would be leaking so i brought mine over in case i wanted to um try and put my eyes on mine on but mine are pretty good for now speaking of eyes leaking that happened the last time that we recorded and then afterwards i was like oh go

get eye drops it's like the universe wanted me to like think about eye drops because then i went to the eye doctor and i have got i got a new prescription i've gotten a lot of questions about people i did like a glasses try on and talking about lasik on tiktok if you want to go check it out i saw it i can't with you fucking to keep commenting and being like what tv show were you on anytime there's like any mention of freak is like listen we'll respond to someone's comment and be like someone's like did freakish get canceled i was like no no i think it's coming back next year for another season i'm like shut the fuck up and then you commenting like what tv show was it then someone responds freakish and everybody there people are genuinely responding

to you as if like because they don't know and i'm just like this is she's trolling all of you i know i need some more like actual friends on tiktok that are active so then i can like get my trolling out on other people not just you no it's okay i appreciate it yeah i mean it helps with your you know engagement engagement so that's why i do it but the issues are your nieces and nephews uh are most of them are too young for you to troll yeah i mean i still do i you don't get the same back and forth i don't get the same back and forth um yeah and then like none of my other friends are active like they watch tiktok but they don't make tiktok so i can't i know them the same way and i do troll strangers but it's just not the same feeling when someone

you know it's not it truly is not uh oh but what i was going to say though is that uh i have i got my prescription negative two in each eye which is like not nearly what i was at when i got lasik and so like my eye doctor thinks that like this is like my full prescription that this is like the level that my eyes were gonna reach um but i've always thought my right eye like over the last couple years that like my right eye is like weaker than my left eye when he's like no no they're the same prescription i was like weird this eye is so much more like foggy and fuzzy and he like looks and he was like, Oh my God, hold on. I can't take it out. And I'll tell the audience if you're squeamish, it's not bad. It's not like horribly squeamish, but, uh, I guess my eyes are super

dry. My left one's like pretty fine. My right one is it that's entirely covered in like all of these like micro tears. So I have to get, uh, you can listen again now if you can put them back on. So I have to either, I need to start doing eye drops three times a day. Um, up until I get this which he could have done in the office but i was like what i kind of want to like look into it more because i also don't have uh vision insurance right now and so i'm like okay do it how much is it's going to cost without insurance and all that but to get this like a little this like i guess like in in office what is it called yeah like in office treatment yeah where they like put these little like implants in your eyes like make your eyes tear and like they like are i guess like i

know does something to your tear ducts to like make your eyes like lubricate themselves more but i was like wow i probably need something like that because mine are always dry and then just leaking out the sides yeah apparently leaky eyes mean dry eyes yep and so um yeah eye drops have been working great for me like i literally text megan because it was so bad that i had to lie down like on monday and tuesday like and just like keep my eyes closed because it was just awful and then when i got the eye drops it was so much better like i literally said i have i feel like i have new eyes that's how i feel now i like i think the last time that i like had my eyes were like this sharp i was watching tv shows i was probably watching friends or like

the fourth season of friends or something i haven't watched a tv show made in the last five years with like my eyes like the full vision of my eyes like in so long that i forgot we're watching the blacklist now and i'm like i can see every string of her hair and monster's like yeah it's like good quality i was like wow and he's like megan this was made like 2013 you're watching 1080p yes i was looking at 720 i was literally watching it in 720 480 420 now you're now you're in 4k uh it's as the kids say that you i feel like i'm i'm like living in 4k now it's crazy like it's crazy i'm gonna be able to drive what a time matzah is so excited to not have to be my personal chauffeur now i don't have to drive melissa over treats at night i'll also make him

do that i wonder how driving at night's gonna be now because that's like a hard pass but i've always really struggled because i have halos and then i do too lasik made it worse really do that they really drive at night your other glasses that you have i have i also have some blue lights that look just almost exactly the same which ones my edna mode ones or my not the ones that are you did these aren't these ones yeah these are my black these are my black light ones yeah um yeah the non-edna mode ones the harry potter ones they're cute i was inspired by sydney she has like a very similar kind of uh pair that i think are her i think she has them for reading or blue light i don't remember what hers are for but they're cute and i was like i'm inspired

but anyway should we get to the update let's do it so this is from uh season seven episode eight i originally called in asking for advice about moving in with my boyfriend i think at the time that i called in it was about eight months into the relationship we're about to hit a year this month. And I just was asking for advice. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety pretty heavily throughout all of the pandemic. And so I mentioned how I was having a really hard time sleeping on my own. And with my roommate having a boyfriend as well, it was always a sort of coordinating. If I if she would be at the apartment when I was there, if I needed to go over to my boyfriends, etc, etc. So it was just getting very stressful. And during my senior year of

college didn't feel like something that I should be worrying about. And so the advice you gave me, I definitely took to heart. And I appreciate that you guys talked about just the times that we're in and especially taking like my mental health into consideration. I talked about it with pretty much everyone that I knew just to get differing opinions. One of the questions that you asked me is if I was in therapy. Yes, I am in therapy. I love therapy. I love my therapist. And she was the one that, uh, just continued to bring it up and continue to have conversations with me about it. So she definitely helped. I kind of expected my mom to be against it, like against moving in with my boyfriend. She's a very devout Christian and I admire her for that, but I'm not there.

So I kind of expected her, her view has always been you're married before you move in. And she was very on board. She, she was just like, it makes the most sense. And I think that something that has kind of come to light, you said in the original call, like, it's a pandemic. Like, we've, it's a different experience with relationships, you're either breaking up or you're getting married. and since our entire relationship has been during a pandemic we have just been like in the house for a year and it's kind of been nice to we already know that we can cohabitate we also know that we can have a great time just sitting on the couch and watching a movie all night and so I think that that is a weird perspective that I didn't really expect but it's it's been great and helping me realize. So I guess I, I guess I haven't said yet. I'm moving in with my boyfriend. I have moved in. Um, we now have, uh, or I have moved into the house that he owns

and, um, it's going very well. I, I mean, we basically already were just because I was over here so much, um, that it's just working out as well as it can. I will say though, this isn't this isn't me saying like if you've been in a relationship with a person for a year the next step is to move in with them I think that that's like something to important to point out my circumstances and how I've been and everything has you know just come to this conclusion but that's not the case with everybody so um yeah I think that's the majority of it oh my god I mean we knew you moved in just based on the headphones we asked before we were recording um no but that's great and i think like it it it is like like we've always said like it's a pressure cooker

on relationships like it's like a make or break kind of kind of thing and i'm always a huge fan of like doing things that are good for your mental health in the moment and if you can like foresee if they're going to be good for your mental health in the future like take that in consideration but i'm like a day-to-day kind of person and so like that kind of stuff can be like incredibly incredibly helpful and is like again so pandemic specific like it's something that like a year into relationships for most people i'm like oh don't move in together because like if you're having fun with your roommates like you're loving all of that i'm like do everything until that thing's not fun anymore but like in the pandemic not not saying that like nothing's fun anymore but life

just kind of changes in that way that like we're everyone's making these life changes that like are just to to keep our sanity from the last like year plus so I'm glad that it's been has do you feel like it's been helping mental health wise oh my gosh yes I also um I got put on medication which has been helping I have medication for depression and a separate medication for anxiety. I didn't specify in the first call, but I get my anxiety at night. Like if I'm alone during the day, I'm completely fine. It's something about when the sun goes down that just you're talking to people who both have nighttime anxiety. So it really is just like having somebody in the bed with you and knowing that you're not alone. And it just makes me feel safer. During the day,

I'm completely fine. And I actually enjoy it right now. Since I've just graduated from college, I'm still in a limbo of I kind of have a summer break, but I'm also looking for a big girl job. But he still has his big boy job. So I get that time during the day to have this space to myself and do the things that just make me still feel like an individual, even though I'm living with someone. So that's been great, too. Oh, we love to hear that. Those are our favorite kind of updates. Great update. Love to hear it. Love to know that. I always wonder when sometimes I will forget the advice that we gave and i'm like i hope we didn't say anything horrible and we were real i hate being wrong but um makes me happy to hear that they're happy and things are going good

pandemic relationships i would love to see some statistics like uprising i know people think that there's like a huge uprise in pregnancies but it's there's not there's not um i would be curious to know if there would be an uprise like now that people are like I feel like people are going to start banging it out and there's going to be a lot of accidental pregnancies because I don't think that women probably have been keeping

up with their birth control like because why yeah people are just going to be horny as fuck and fucking and you know I look forward to it to whatever their nicknames will be called Pandy Babies

we'll see that's too much like panty but i also think too that like the people who are very much like i don't want to say doomsday people but like the realists who are like i don't want to bring a baby into the world right now this seems like really uncertain those people i think will be like okay now i'm ready like i think it'll speed up a lot of that kind of stuff so i'm curious i'm also curious about like the amount of couples that like broke up that stayed together that like got together like i'm curious if this is going to be like a worldwide cuffing season where oh yeah it will be as soon as everyone's vaccinated everybody's getting dumped

or doing the dumping you know to like be single and go out and have fun and all that stuff but the social skills my social skills are i when i did that photo shoot that i did a few weeks ago i realized that it took me a little second to like talk like because i'm just used to kind of just like letting people talk on zoom so then i'm not interrupting them and so it was just awkward um but we shall see especially when you're talking with a mask on because when i wasn't getting my picture taken when i was getting my picture taken everybody was far away and we were more than six feet away but then like closer we were still six feet but had on mask and that and talking so that was just because i always find myself going like yeah like leaning in with

one ear like huh yeah there's a benny drama um instagram video about like and i think he did tiktok on it too uh about like me talking to people after the pandemic and it's like so accurate like it's just so chaotic and just so awkward and weird and just like does like it's like hey yeah hi arms and also like you're not used to seeing people from the waist down like everything about it's just weird it's just weird it's all all all super super fucking weird but um should we should we get into the episode let's do it hey megan and melissa my name is alicia and i'm a pisces from canada who uses she her pronouns i should also mention that i'm actively working through this whole situation in therapy but I wanted kind of a second opinion as

I don't have very many good friends. So now that's out of the way I'm having trouble figuring out if I still want to be in my four-year relationship or not or if it's just like the pandemic fatigue affecting my brain in some weird way. Anyway I don't think I want to be in this relationship anymore or any relationship at all. So to keep it short my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years. I got into the relationship when I was young and I'm a lot different than I am now so throughout the four years and especially through the past one I've grown a lot personally and I've changed a whole bunch like I'm not even the same person as I was um even at the beginning of this whole pandemic thing but I just feel like he hasn't and I don't blame him for that I just

think that I'm stuck in a classic case of it's not you it's me um I say this because I've been as I've been changing in the past year a lot of it was discovering my sexuality to find out that i am not fully straight um and i think i want to work towards figuring that part of myself out that's actually most of it i just feel that since i got into this relationship so young that i didn't and i didn't expect it to go this far at all um i thought it was gonna be like a little three-month thing and then we break up and i move on sort of thing and now i feel kind of stuck um so now it may sound like i already know what i want to do but the thing is he's so good with me and i'm so comfortable with him and i love him and i don't want to hurt him if i don't have to

um I have also discussed my feelings with him and he seemed okay about it but I just get the feeling that he thinks this is kind of like a phase um so I I don't know what to do about that but I also see myself living happily with him in the future like there's a version of me that could totally continue this relationship and be totally happy um so yeah on one hand once everything calms down a little I could be totally happy with him but on the other girls so yeah Also very stressed right now as I work at a very busy coffee place facing the public every day

and people are rude all day long and I can't afford to not work. So I've been doing this since the beginning of the pandemic last year and it's just getting really hard to stay motivated. So maybe all these feelings are made up in my brain and you never know what could happen. Anyways, I'm open to any advice or thoughts you may have

and maybe it can help me finally make a decision. So thank you. I mean, when you call into this podcast, and you say all that you know what we're gonna say and i feel like this was like the perfect segue call like after what we just talked about too um yeah i mean i i just want to say i don't think it's a made up in your head and everything that you're going through is very valid and after everything we just said about people you know in the pandemic and um uh questioning what their relationship is like also you questioning your sexuality i think all of these still would have

happened regardless of the pandemic it's just like you're in it in the pan we're in the pandemic right now and so this is the lens that you're seeing it through but it would have happened regardless so um i think that you know you said there's a version of you that could be happy with him but i don't think so you're not going to be happy because you're going to always be thinking what if so like yeah you could be you could stay in this relationship and you know it wouldn't I don't think you'd be happy but I think you would be fine but you're gonna continue to like you're like you said he hasn't grown at all during the pandemic in your eyes but you have yourself so i think that you should break up with him and and figure your things out figure out what you

actually want figure out what you want to do figure out just figure things out like you said you've grown and changed and now it's time to explore what that means yeah and i think that's like not a cunty thing to be like I've really grown and changed and he hasn't that translates to we've kind of grown apart and like even if it feels really one-sided that you don't feel like he feels that way you don't know that like you guys are just kind of growing in different directions and you got together really young and like you said like sure there's a version of you that you could see with him forever but I don't know if that's the current version of you I think that that's like what you thought about a little while ago and yeah not invalidating like your

sexuality or like whatever you're exploring or anything like that is like yeah it's not pandemic related at all and I would say for I've had friends who have been in like heterosexual relationships and then discovered that they're not straight and have both ways have like left that relationship and then also have like stayed in that relationship but if you are questioning your relationship that to me is always like it's there's time that now it's time because there's a difference between you're not always going to be 100 sure with i mean any choice that you make in general but if your relationship's going through rocky times it's okay what can we do to make this work versus i don't know if i want to make this work like i don't know if that's what i want and

it's not that you both don't need therapy this isn't like a couple's therapy thing there's not like any issue here and I think for a lot of people it's and anyone in general it's really hard to end a relationship when it feels like there's nothing wrong and there's nothing like they did there's nothing it's not a bad relationship and when there's still a lot of like love and respect in a relationship it feels it can feel like why am I getting rid of this thing if this is like my one true love and this is the only thing that's going to be like this And that's such like a fatalistic mentality that there is one person for you and every other relationship that like if you mess up that one time, then it's never going to be

like that. And like what I wish people could like think about it like friendships, like we have friendships that like suit us for different periods of our life and like childhood friends and like you might grow apart and go back together and like you don't always end a friendship on bad terms and all of that. And I wish we thought of relationships like that too, because you can just grow apart and still really love and respect someone and recognize that like, because this didn't work out, this isn't the only relationship.

Like if anything, when a relationship works out, that should give you faith that like, oh, relationships work. Not this is the only one that is ever going to work. Like this is, I think about that when you fall in like love with someone or if someone like you, you, after like a breakup, you really start to like someone and like, it doesn't work out. I'm like, think of that as a success. Like you can, you can feel those feelings for someone. Like that's like a great thing. And that's not tied to one person. But like we always said, when you date someone for that long, when you're that young, most of the time, all of those feelings

and experiences are tied to that person or mostly to that person. So I'm, I'm with Melissa. I say break up and if he like really like cares about you and like really loves you and all of that like it sure it might inevitably hurt him as it happens but it's gonna hurt you in the same kind of way and staying with him with not being 100 sure that's hurting both of you in the long term so much more it's not being fair to either one of you yeah and i would say like for the part where you had said that you think that he thinks it might just kind of be a phase um i if you're not in therapy i would go to a therapist who like specializes and like explicitly like works with um people uh a part of the lgbtq lg oh my god there's so much of one tiktok of a guy

saying it as a word and now i can or you could say alphabet mafia is oh yeah a part of that like a part of the community um because yeah that one um because either that is super invalidating if that's like his expression of like that's like pretty invalidating um and also like i i don't you're not identifying as like in the call you haven't identified as being bi but i'm pretty sure that's like specific that's explicitly like biphobic and like that oh it's a phase but it's also like homophobic and you know all of that but if it's something that you're sensing that also might be and he hasn't said anything about it but that's kind of how you have been feeling then it could also be some internalized part which does make sense

to me if you're being like maybe this is maybe it's the pandemic and all of that like being able to talk to someone and again maybe it's not even a therapist maybe it's just some members of uh the lgbtq community that you can have conversations with about that because your feelings are valid and like who you are is valid and all that yeah but yeah breakup you don't have to hate someone to break up no it just could be that you your guys have just you're just at a crossroad you're at the end of the road now and you can still be friends um if that's what you want but i just don't I don't I think you're gonna feel stuck and stagnant if you stay yeah and I think also it's if you are absolutely meant to be together down the road it'll happen and if it's like uh if he's

in like the no if we break up now we're never getting back together then he's not who you're supposed to be with like if it's supposed to happen it'll happen and that's it's not it's not in the sense that you're gonna have to stay in this relationship and kind of like squash all of this stuff and yeah like really i don't want to say settle in a bad way but you're kind of settling for i don't think you're stunting your growth yeah it's setting your growth and it's just it's being comfortable where you are when you feel uncomfortable in the situation instead of leaving the situation and figuring out what your actual comfortability is yeah break up break up but yeah i mean and i also trust you'll do it in a nice

a very nice way you've already kind of edged in there well best of luck congratulations on this time of discovery for you and we'll keep track of all of this for our own conducted research about relationships in the pandemic yes hi megan melissa i'm 24 years old my pronouns are she her i'm a scorpio but i'm probably i'm a nice scorpio so i kind of have a unique sort of really embarrassing situation so i feel like the only people i could call was the both of you so i have a friend with benefits and his pronouns are he him and we're both vaccinated and it's totally fine good great amazing but recently when i've and going over I like get these

like itchy patches or like bumps on my skin but first because it was just like on my thighs I like thought it was just from like chasing from like sex or whatever but kind of just like brushed it off because I have sensitive skin

but when I stayed over for like the whole weekend I got one like Saturday morning on my arm and was like what the fuck and then a week went by and I stayed over for just like a night And when I was driving home, I got two little bumps, like, on the inside of my knee. So I was very confused because, like, that could also be from sex.

I don't know. And I'm not sure if it's his sheets or maybe his body wash. Sometimes I forget my body wash, but I never, like, forget my shampoo or, like, conditioner and stuff. So I know I should probably go see a doctor at this point, but I honestly don't know how to bring it up to him without, like, hurting his feelings or saying, like, I think you have bed bugs or, like, something dumb like that. I don't even know. So, should I even bring it up before, like, talking to my doctor or, like, I don't know. We've been friends for a while, but we started hooking up, like, before the pandemic at, like, parties and, like, stuff and whatever.

But once we both got vaccinated is when it sort of became, like, a regular thing. So, I don't know. But any advice would be greatly appreciated. i'm just like really embarrassed and i don't like want to hurt anybody's feelings but yeah so thanks so much bye no need to be embarrassed this will not hurt his feelings at all so the reason why you have to tell him as somebody who has contact dermatitis and like lots of sensitive skin issues you're gonna you'll probably if you go to which you should go to a dermatologist they'll give you like doctors too no i just want to preface that they'll give you

most likely they'll give you an allergy like a topical allergy like workup but the issue is um they can test for like common allergens but you're an adult this is something that you haven't like experienced before so more likely than not like yeah it is probably like a product that he has and so you're gonna have to like write down a list of all of the things that you have been using to do that so like it's either you are snooping through his place you're like figuring out what laundry detergent he uses you're doing all of this kind of stuff or you're just being like hey i have to go to the doctor because like i've been getting this like weird rash sometimes when i like hang out here and so i'm gonna try and figure out if there's like any allergens and stuff can you

like let me know what um like so the things i would ask about laundry detergent uh what if he has any pets if you have um any dust kind of thing that's something you probably would have noticed before and you gotta look up what a bed bug bite looks like but also if it was bed bugs he would have the same things too right he yeah he would but if he's not so one of the issues with bed bugs has someone who has lots of friends in new york um if you are like super if you're just like not that observant or you're just kind of used to it like a lot of people will just mistake them for like mosquito bites and people will live with bedbugs for like an extended period of time and not think that, oh, should I have bedbugs? It's like, oh, I get spider bites. Oh, I have

like this, this and this. So it could be possible that he also is experiencing this and doesn't know that that's what it's from. So I would also check. But because it seems, again, not a doctor, but because you're saying it seems like pretty like localized, like certain areas of your body. um it yeah that's when you like look at products and that kind of stuff like it could be even something that he's using like on himself that might not because you said it was on your thighs and you just thought it was from sex so it could be something like on if he's going down on you i would guess it could be something he's using on his face i don't know if he has a beard or anything it could be like conditioning so you have to talk to him about it and i wouldn't go about it in the

bed bugs way i would just i would just say you know um i'm allergic to something i'm going to the doctor um and i just need to i need to write down all the products that i'm coming in contact with and it also could be that he just doesn't wash his sheets yeah no it could be and i would ask him to like show like where you have bumps or whatever and make sure you take pictures of that and be like do you have anything like this like i'm trying to figure out what that what that is yeah if you have sensitive skin too i mean it's fragrance anything that's stuff like that anything so i don't it doesn't have to be an awkward conversation unless you make it just say hey i'm just allergic to something i'm trying to figure it out and and you could come from it from

the point too of like i don't know if it's something like that's here or at my house i'm just trying to figure out we probably know it's probably something at his house if you're not but you just come at it from that angle it's like i'm just i'm just writing down all the products that i use or come in contact with yeah yeah because also like depending on what they are like which is why i say definitely talk to uh take pictures to show to your like dermatologist or your doctor um it it can be like product related it calls me said like he's not cleaning that much and like maybe he's got some spiders and there's like spider bites and then maybe you've got like maybe you have contact dermatitis and so then that can flare up like for me i know i can get

a spider bite and then or mosquito bite and then we'll get contact dermatitis all around it from like that reaction so it could also be like that so make sure you're taking pictures but yeah it doesn't have to be awkward it doesn't like mean anything and like it doesn't mean anything like he's i mean it could mean that he's unclean but like he doesn't need to like he'll be fine you have a rash his ego can live yeah like especially it seems like you guys are pretty happy with hooking up so yeah and also any any life event that can like lead a man to stop using three in one body wash shampoo and conditioner is is a moment in every man's life that needs to be reached okay we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back

We are back from our break, and we're going to get into the rest of the calls. Hi, Melissa. Hi, Megan. I'm 22. I am a centurion, and my pronouns are she, her. um so i'm actually i'm getting married in about uh a year um we haven't you know we're still waiting for covid to like clear up and everything before we like make final plans but we're getting our invitation list ready we have a venue and everything because they're going back to

in-person weddings everything not for another year but we're kind of getting the list ready so I can send out pitch dates and all that good stuff. Basically, I found out recently that my dad's family, I'm really, really close with my whole entire family, especially my parents. I have a very, very close relationship with them. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs?

What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. But I recently found out that my dad's siblings, my aunt and one of his brothers,

um one of his sister his sister one of his brothers um have had some sketchy things in the past whereas my uncle my uncle did some very like perverted and just very like terrible things in his life and my mom has told me about what it is that he did um and he and it was i don't know it's just very icky kind of stuff and i don't want that kind of thing at my wedding and my aunt is just a fucking bitch and she needs to make everything about her and she makes competition she's like said things to me about like my grandma and she told me that my grandmother cheated on my grandfather and it's a whole thing um but my dad is like a huge family man and you know my parents are paying for my wedding so my question is i don't want those two

people at my wedding but they're my dad's siblings and he's close with them but i don't want them there because number one they've never made like an effort to get to know me my other uncle does try to get to know me birthday cards we call and talk on the phone all the time but my aunt and uncle the other two I just don't I don't want them at my wedding and I don't know how to tell my dad that and I don't know how to do it in a way that you know doesn't like make my dad feel bad and doesn't make like I don't know it's a big deal to not invite somebody to your wedding because they did go to my oldest kid's wedding but I don't want them at mine and my mom's on my side she doesn't want to marry there either anyway any kind of advice you can give me would be very

appreciated on how i can approach that and how you do that um thanks guys i really appreciate any feedback you can give me have a good one bye maybe i'm like really off base and you can tell me this melissa like i would your mom is on your side i would really have her and you have the conversation with your dad together because like your parents are paying for your wedding you didn't specify that it's just your dad paying for the wedding that like it sucks that it like can feel like if you are if you have like parents or someone else paying for the wedding it can be like well this isn't necessary like i kind of have to appease them but if it's like okay it's my wedding and 50 of the person like half of the person who's paying

for it they're not into it either that might be an easier conversation to broach but i also don't know your parents relationship or if that's something that you feel comfortable discussing with them or your mom's feel your mom feels comfortable um yeah i mean like for me i don't i don't have this i can't really relate to i mean there probably are perverts in my family but i don't know about it i mean i'm just saying there's my my dad has nine brothers and sisters his mom had like nine siblings so you just said it's so casually i'm just saying like there's just a lot of people in my family and you know chances are there's a pervert somewhere i just don't know who it is but um as we've talked about on our other podcasts uh me and my dad get in a lot of fights

about family um as it is just because he's super close to his family and i'm just like like i am with people like i kind of have like an armor up and i i just don't think that like you need to and have to have family at everything and just because you're related to someone doesn't mean that they need to be part of your life but like i i know like when your parents are paying for things and yes it's your wedding but like i feel like if if this is gonna call i think you should have the conversation with your dad like you don't want them there see how that goes and then after that if he's still like gung-ho on it and he's still paying for the wedding i just think your wedding day is so like about you and you're not going to be focused you're not actually going to

be focused on the people that are there you're not it they won't be like somebody because they're not close to you as it is they're not going to be trying to make conversation with you or try to be around you or whatever they may try to be in the family picture but photoshop exists yeah put them on me put them both on the end yeah put them on the end try to get a clear one without them a clear picture with maybe you and your groom to you know get everything that will be on the sides i think you can talk to this about this with your photographer yeah but um if if you think it's going to cause like a big riff, a big fight or a big fight after you actually have the conversation with your dad. I think that you can get through your day without actually knowing that they're

there. I agree. And I think that the conversation, like, like see how the conversation goes. And if it's like, okay, they have to come, then you and your parents need to sit down and figure out which family members are going to be assigned to them. And, and having that conversation with your dad, where it's like i love you and i don't i want to send my i want to have you at my wedding like there with i want to be able to spend time with you at my wedding and i don't want to like not be able to have great memories my dad at my wedding because my dad is with two family members that i don't want there so like we're gonna have to figure out like a reject cousin who like that's their responsibility or like i don't know like an obligation bridesmaid like or even just like

a friend who like is like great but you know you're not going to be spending a lot of time not a bridesmaid if he's no no i mean like some like a friend like a friend who yeah yeah i mean someone needs to be like another family member that already knows what's going down in the family yeah another family member or if you if it's like one of your bridesmaids or like if you have like a cousin in your wedding party or whatever and they have um a husband or a boyfriend who you know and you trust if you never really get to spend time if like one person's in the wedding party like the wedding party really hangs out i've been like the plus one of someone in a wedding i've been like matzahs and all of that if someone gave me a job i'm like i got all the fucking time

in the world and so like doing that like having that coordination but i do think that like if your dad is going to insist then he needs to like help you and coordinate how that's going to work because it's like plan you just say to him like i'm planning for the worst and like i'm not comfortable and like especially with the uncle like being like you know I'm really not I would like here's the thing then that I want to let my bridesmaids I want to let my friends know that like hey by the way my my uncle's really creepy because I don't feel comfortable putting him in situations with like my friends or like any of the women in my life so like this is like the thing like if you if you're insisting on them being there I'm gonna need to let people know and that's

something that like we're gonna have to let the catering staff know we're gonna have to let the venue staff know and all of that and i am not like my conscious is not okay with with us just like letting him loose on all these people without knowing what's going to happen also has he been convicted of anything because if he's not allowed to be like maybe around children invite a couple kids yeah it might be uh you know beneficial to you yeah if you have like if you're having like a no kids wedding party but if he's legally not allowed to be around children invite a kid and then he can't come yeah call his parole officer yeah yeah and then for your aunt who's just a bitch that's like are they together or are they not i i don't think so because i think

they're both her dad's siblings got it i for a while i was like well at least they found each other i think they're siblings so and then for her i think it's like the same kind of thing it's assigning someone to her and uh the the good thing about someone who just likes to make everything about themselves if you don't give them a speech at your wedding um if they're not invited to the pre stuff then it's a lot easier like because you can the wedding inevitably like again unless you like crash the stage or make a speech you can't really make a wedding about yourself unless you're wearing like a tux and a gown like it's like it's not necessarily gonna happen so yeah and i'm just i'm thinking about just like being in my sister's weddings and i just because you know being part of

the party you i don't like rarely talk to my even though i love most of my aunts and uncles i didn't really talk to them just because you're busy doing other things so i really don't think you'll be it's just like the fact that they'll be there that you know that they're there but i really don't think you'll be in contact with them no and then create a party create um a like a plan if shit goes awry do we have one more is it time for a dumpling one more okay let's do it hi megan melissa i listen to you guys's podcast all the time and i finally decided to call in and get your guys's opinion and advice about a problem i have so um go back about four years ago My now husband and I were engaged, and we were of different religions.

I was one thing and he was the other. And there were both scopes of Christianity. So in our book, it really wasn't all that different. But for some reason, it was a big deal to my parents. and they wanted him to convert, which he being pretty stubborn and well, he wouldn't. And I didn't want him to, I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to, but my parents were kind of insisting. So it got to the point where I was like, you know what? Screw this. I'm going to become what he is. And so I left my faith denomination and entered his. I told my parents

about it. And they absolutely blew up about it and decided to not support our wedding financially or physically. So they withdrew our venue. They took back their deposit. They cut off pretty much communication with me and him. And they didn't show up to our wedding either. Um, either did any of my brothers or sisters or my parents and part of my family from their side too. So about a year passed, I have since forgiven them, but my husband has not. He says that it is, um, it was disrespectful of him and me, which it was. And I understand that, but they're my family and I have forgiven them, but he will not. Is it wrong for me to want him to forgive them for what they did?

Or should I just let him do him? I feel like I'm being selfish because it was my parents and they did it to me because of my choices. And he's the one that's making it into a big deal. You know what I mean? It's just, I don't know what to do. Should I be trying to get them back together? Should I try to get him to forgive them?

Or should I just let it go and try to figure it out from there? I don't know. What do you guys think? I would appreciate any input you guys have. I'm just really lost on what to do. So thanks so much. Love you both. The drama.

So much drama. I don't know. Since you left out the specifics of what denominations it is, I think it makes it a little bit harder for me. I know you don't, you're not familiar with Christianity as a whole, but like for me who does know about Christianity, if I don't know what denominations that you're in, this is a little harder for me to wrap my head around. Because in my mind, again, correct me if I'm wrong. I think that how I as an outsider would be like, okay, Mormonism is like very much it's kind of like own thing. And a lot of like Mormons

marry other mormons it's very kind of specific most of the time i think of like the um like the duggars like that kind of like i don't know what the specific generation but like the fundamentalist like kind of christian we're like those are the right leaning yeah but then aside from that like from like what motz has told me about like i forget which one his dad is lutheran yeah yeah but then there's like that's like not that different than a lot of like other stuff so like there's like all of the other ones it feels like they're they're relatively similar it's usually just like the way that you're baptized is like a little different is like what the difference is like some people like you know like you can be baptized as a kid some people you have

to wait and make that's usually the difference in it like when who like how you accept jesus into your life quote unquote is usually the different denominations and there's like doctrines and like it's all written out and stuff okay i think at this point a lot of it is just the same and so that's why it does seem like this is a little bit extreme and i can't give a clear answer because i don't know what denominations you are yeah my thing though is that like what do you mean when you say your boyfriend your husband hasn't forgiven them because at the end of the day like if he's making your life harder then that's an issue that you guys need to talk about but if he's just like if if they lost his trust and like he's not the affinity that you feel to

your family he was never ever going to feel because it's not his they're not his family and wanting him to forgive them like what does forgiveness look like to you and what is it currently like because I think if it's if it's causing an issue that's a problem but if it's just kind of like you know what like it really sucked and like I'm never gonna be fully over how they treated you but like i'm it's not going to affect the relationship that i have with them it's not going to affect that like i see them in holidays or x y and z and all of that kind of stuff so i think it's neat that's important to know that if he is making your relationship with them strained then that's like okay we have to go to therapy so because this is affecting our

relationship and my relationship with them and like that's on you and it is my family and it's my choice to forgive them it's also his choice not to forgive them but it's not fair to make your life harder because the reason why he's mad is for you and like that's like that's the fucked up part i'm like if you're making my life harder you're mad for me now you're making my life harder you're you're like her in the situation and i'm like him in the situation where like when somebody wrongs me oh i'm pissing me off and it's very very very hard for me to forgive them like a friend that i had um i guess we've kind of made up but it's been about 10 years in the making um but she did some shit at my sister's wedding that like so she like did some stuff that like at my

sister's wedding that pissed me off and it had nothing to directly do with me but it was about my sister and i my sister forgave her and but i was like she's my actual friend and i don't forgive and so like it's taking years and we're still not fully there but like i'm very hard at forgiving people when they fuck around especially when they didn't show up for your wedding um like they had other family members not show up and i just think it would take a minute for me to forgive them but so i'm like you i don't forgive people i am like i will remember always but i'm not going to make it harder for somebody else like i'm never like when i for like i i don't know if like i would ever consider myself like oh i'm forgiving you it's like i am i know you and i'm

now taking you for what you are and i have lowered my expectations because you showed me how little that how how low they need to be because that's what you can do and that's all and like that's kind of how i feel that it's like i'm not going to make anyone's life harder i'm going to make my life easier because I'm not going to expect like much from this person but like I'm not going to pretend like that thing never happened at all so I think that like it's about figuring out like at least what I want to know is what does his current what is his current relationship with them and what do you want that to be because that can be like a hard pill to swallow to recognize that he might have never been as close with them as you thought and it could have been this like you

paint this idea of what you really want it to be or whatever and they kind of lived up to his expectations of them and it was it might have confirmed the fact that he like thought that it was kind of sucky of them and that he's had those like lingering emotions towards them and that's also okay but it's not okay if it's hurting your relationship with him and with them but it's all about expectations not to not to quote um if you know you know manage your expectations um but you both need to have like a a conversation with each other about what you're both what you expect and what you're both willing to like give in this situation and i think forgiving people is great and you've managed to forgive your parents but i think having a really explicit

talk with your husband about this are you overlooking because they're your parents are you kind of tolerating some passive-aggressive comments or any of this stuff like is it truly the hatchet is buried it's in the past or there are are there some things that are lingering and still there that make it hard for him to have like a day-to-day relationship with them because they're making it hard for him because you can't force anyone to forgive someone and also when it comes to parents a lot of the time you didn't who know you you might have forgiven them because that's what you needed to do but they might have not apologized like you might have been able to be like okay i'm gonna be able to get over this and do all this on my own and move past this and

like because i want to maintain a relationship with them you might have done a hundred percent of the work and they might not have done any but you're able to do that because you have this like long lasting relationship and history with them he doesn't it's way harder to have that kind of forgiveness but I think you need to stress it with him and both of you need to have like yeah manage manage your expectations of each other and I think like I mean we recommend therapy all the time if it's like a a rough issue that's like still hard to process but um your partner and maybe and I I'm probably the wrong person to talk about this but I don't think that your partner I think family yes is important but relationships are a lot more important and

those relationships can be people that are related to you they can be people who aren't related to you but like I value my relationships with people like how those are not how they got there not how we how we're connected but just like the quality of them and um and I think that like if you can separate them from being your parents do they treat him well like right right and does he see something that you're not seeing in the way that they treat you yeah and if not then it could just be that he's like i'm really holding on to a grudge i had no idea that this was like affecting you and making you feel really bad about this like that was not my intention at all like i'm obviously angry at what they did to you but like if you're gonna forgive them like there's no reason

for me to hold hold all of this anger towards them because I'm just preventing this from moving forward so you have to just have a really explicit conversation and tell him like if you see something that I'm not seeing like tell me like I need you to be super super super honest with me now it's time for don't blame them this is the segment where a listener will call in and give their own advice from a call that we've previously aired so they listen they're like hey I have some i have some two cents maybe you have some experience with this maybe maybe they have something uh maybe they have some insight that we didn't see missed something or they're just validating our already wonderful fantastic amazing advice so what episode is it from so this is from

season 7 episode 21 and i'll just play it because she gives pretty good as if i even know what that means i always ask but i'm like well it's more like a reference for somebody wants to go back and listen to the original one but i always lie and i'm like oh yes that episode hi melissa and megan love the podcast um i am actually calling in for don't blame them um for the most recent episode which was i think after 21 to 7 um i'm calling for the caller who roommate like was messaging her boyfriend talking about how much she hates her and how much she wants her to get out even though they like talked about being friends with us I have personal experience with this because I had a very similar situation happen to me I'm 22 um I don't know if you care

I'm a Sagittarius whatever um I'm a I'm a girl it's uh she her sorry I'm driving so sorry if it sounds like sad but basically I had a friend and we had a very similar situation happen where it wasn't her boyfriend she was messaging but it was like our third friend we had like a trio of like best friends and stuff and two of us lived together and then our third friend didn't live with us and our third friend has been my best friend since kindergarten um but basically my roommate was messaging her and telling her like because I was moving out to a different city and so I was moving away from them and basically my my best friend from kindergarten was messaging with my roommate and my roommate was basically saying I'm really excited for her to leave like

finally she's like hi i like to finally stay closer like wanted to be and my best friend was sending me like the street chalk football time and like telling me about it and like letting me know basically that she was like being super fake to me and stuff i pretty much just want to agree with you guys and say that like you need to just like get away from her and completely distance yourself from her because anybody who's going to talk shit like that to their boyfriend about you is not someone you want in your life trust me um and another thing I'd say is as soon as you get like out of that situation vet your roommates before because like Melissa and Megan said it seems like she was using you it was like a very beneficial relationship for her so she got

a lot out of it and she got she oh fuck she has somewhere to live oh she has a job and now that you're moving out she like isn't gonna be getting anything out of you anymore so you're like disposable to her and that's how I was treated too so basically I would just say fuck her and then just completely like distance yourself and get away and don't try to be friends with her after that you don't want to be friends with her I'm not friends with mine anymore she's a total bitch we don't talk anymore and my best friend stopped talking to her too um especially if she knew that you were gonna be using her computer that's so fake oh my god you can find better friends I promise good luck anyway thanks Melissa thanks Megan love you guys bye I second all of

this trios are the devil's work unless it works in your favor because it did in this situation because the the other third friend was sending her all the information oh true true true true true yeah but then it's always for the other like no matter what somebody's always left high and dry and sometimes it is the villain of the trio but sometimes it's not yeah in this situation because the the the non-roommate friend was feeding all the information and they're also not friends with the other gal anymore so i yeah i like this the colors i like her attitude um i feel like we would be friends i feel like so too so yeah you know just get out the situation and don't look back fuck her and yeah vet your roommates don't be don't i don't know how many

times i have to repeat this don't be roommates with your friends i feel like roommates should be like it should not look like what friends a tv show look like it should be just because you do enter a legal contract with them i think you should be co-workers a yes a business relationship like the kind of like you know like or even like you have like your like i don't know like school friends like friends that you're friends within one class you don't eat lunch together you don't hang out but like oh we're in this class together and like we get along like it's nice to see you like this is easy but like there's no pressure that's what it needs to be it needs to be like your water cooler friend or your algebra friend like that's the extent and level that it should

be at and constantly people are all this is like probably the number one thing that we get in the facebook group and in general being like i didn't listen ivy because it seems like a great idea and they can work really great for some people. And I also think that people talk about it and romanticize roommates so differently on TV. Like, it's like an experience to like, come home and sit down and drink wine together and talk about your problems. And you're just so ingrained with each other. And it's just like, no, yeah, it only works. I think if you are so close, you are like siblings. So you already fight like siblings. And you can make up like with siblings. It's easy to makeup yeah so it's that or they are a random roommate and you have become friends and by the

time that like you are really close friends you both have probably decided that it's time to move out and not live with each other anymore or you've just ended up being the perfect roommates and friends but like it's rarely ever friends than roommates roommates can become friends but if you start as friends and then become roommates you're not going to probably leave as friends well that is it for our episode if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave this voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com all of the same things i said at the beginning apply keep it under three minutes let us know your pronouns write everything down practice so it is all nice and concise so it's

nice to remind you at the end of the podcast where you can like you you can tell which ones were all written down and nice yeah i also want to say that we do not support distracted driving so please if you need to be in your car please be parked because we did have a couple people calling in this episode that were driving and we could hear blinkers and things and it just one we don't want you to be distracted but two also the sound quality is better if you're not actually driving so please please please don't actually be driving when you're calling us yeah windows rolled up air conditioning off make a little nice little sauna yeah give yourself a nice little steam you only got three minutes so yeah you can deal with it you've got it you've got it uh we have the video

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to come into the lives at all if you're not if you're not into that but we do enjoy it um what else follow us on instagram follows everywhere follow me on tiktok i like if you read the comments i'm always going to be in there stirring up some trouble i gotta respond to that girl that i know most people have responded i think now too it's too fucking funny oh follow our instagram uh-huh anything you want to promote it's linked uh by my book by my presets and stay up to date on the current situations of the world and if you are able to donate money to um i mean the amount of stuff that's going on the world right it's a lot there's it's exhausting yeah there's a lot angry yeah and as somebody who is like a very

staunch pro-vaxxer which also you're wearing on your shirt now um as we in the united states are quote-unquote getting back to normal um it's a massive luxury and there's a lot of countries that are really far behind so even countries that don't necessarily need financial aid um just be cognizant when you're talking about um the state of the world and all that stuff and getting back to normal that there are places where that is not a luxury that they have and so bully the anti-vaxxers into your life into getting the vaccine yes please i would like to promote i like that if you're watching you know that's gold only if you're watching um but um it's a May is Mental Health Awareness Month, in case you didn't know.

And on one of my other podcasts, Just Between Us, which we've had both Gabby and Allison on this show, we've been doing very specific episodes about trauma and like having experts and doctors on talking about trauma, medication, therapy, bad therapy, like how to spot bad therapy, sleep. um so i do recommend listeners for this show to check out those episodes because i think and we've been doing two a week so there's eight episodes holy shit yeah um for mental health awareness month so go check them out i think that people that listen to this show would benefit i'm gonna check it out yeah i have horrible sleep great the sleep one comes out next week but yeah they've all been great nice oh i'm excited i love hearing experts talk about that kind of stuff and with people who care yes you know like like as opposed to like when you have hosts on who are just kind of like haha like let's get this funny yeah and especially with allison being in school for

therapy she she's asking just like the questions when you're in between that you don't know exactly know the answer but knows how to answer the right or ask the right questions yeah so it's very insightful cool awesome well i will definitely check that out um oh yeah leave us reviews and in the podcast? Should we read one? Oh, yeah. Life-changing advice from KT Force. I've rediscovered this podcast after a few years, and I've been binging all of the episodes for weeks. So, so good. I feel like I'm living with a lot more clarity now, honestly. Megan and Melissa are so entertaining and create a very safe, no-nonsense place for advice giving. I love it all. Also, megan's book amazing oh so nice yeah we appreciate it oh wait this one's so nice did we already read

this one which one i don't know what you should looking at uh i'm i'm a better me because of don't blame me this podcast has truly made me this is from brady baby i'm a better me because of don't blame me this podcast has truly made me a better person the candid advice the enlightening topics and the incredible way all of it is delivered has truly made me a better me that's so nice maybe that inspires you to leave a nice review we would really appreciate it um and we will see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso