Don't Blame Me! - S7E6: Boyfriend Can’t Get It Up w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: coworker being weird Overbearing family Going to college with a high school friend Reaching out to an old friend Don't Blame Them: waiting until marriage   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode. Don't blame me. Welcome to the new year. Hello. Hello. Twenty one. I know the fuck. We're currently in 2020. So this is acting future dear future self nothing's changed right it's the same just a little bit later um hello everybody this is an advice podcast i'm megan i'm joined with my co-host melissa together we make together we make up the um the duo 90s 2000 rapper eminem if you stack us on top actually like he's smart but i was like if you stack us on top of each other and put on some baggy jeans it's actually just eminem um hi my name is my name is if we want to be completely truthful i don't need you to stack it up i don't need is that because my

initials are already eminent oh true true true you don't need me you actually don't i'm just the glitter of the situation and i've accepted it um this is an advice podcast if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com if you're brand new here what happens is we play your voicemail or your voice recording and then we give you advice and we give you advice that you know we want to hear um if we were asking for advice sometimes it's tough love but it always comes from a good place and we what we lack in credentials and degrees we make up for in having opinions on everything i so love that you say that

because it's it is it feels so right and i just feel like we finally encompass really what it is um why we're just we've got opinion i have so many opinions like when people like opinions are like assholes everybody's got one i'm like well it's not like an asshole for me It's like a pour. I have millions. I have so many opinions. You have no idea. We ask that you are 18 or over,

get your parents' permission before you call in. And you also got to keep that voicemail or voice memo under three minutes. Otherwise you will be cut off, not by us, by like technology. And you will be shamed. So write it down. Practice what you're going to say.

Come up with like all of the details. and if you hold back we know like we know and the only thing that we can do from there is go with not only what we have but then we have to make assumptions about certain things and sometimes those assumptions are not you think that the truth is bad tell us the truth right what our assumptions are most likely are going to be a little bit worse but um but yeah what's new with you uh you know been balls deep into uh directing a huge audiobook that there's 80 actors and so and one of them so far i still don't even have the full actor list but one of them so far which if you're part of our patreon then you already know this is a uh tony award winning

actor which Megan knows who it is I do and it's I do know who it is huge it's insane like insane I'm just I'm I'm I'm so obviously recording this like in this is what is it's December something right now yeah it's December 19th right now and even by the time this comes out I've still wouldn't have I haven't recorded with them yet so like oh wow but I'm just so happy that like I mean you're always so if people don't know this about Melissa you're always so fucking busy and you have so much stuff going on all the time but I'm also like especially happy that this is like not that your work isn't always exciting but like this is like a shitty time of year during the holidays to like not necessarily be with other people like I'm so stoked that like

you have obviously you're getting like paid and getting like a cool job but like it's like excited like you know what I mean like it's like something fun and cool and you're stoked about it Yeah. And I was like smiling the whole time. Just so you know, you are the first person that I told, but you didn't see the text message. But because we were already texting when I got like we were texting when I got the email, but it just makes me happy because like it like I'm I there's so few and far between things right now. to like it's it's we it's we're all pretty low it's hard to get excited yeah and like especially this time of year when everything's so shitty so like i'm so happy that like you know i obviously like i you know me were i was like i hate that i'm leaving her in la like this is so even though we weren't like together but like it's still it's just like the symbolic yeah like no like for real like i feel like like i know that you're like thousands of miles away at this point and like

i knew that but like it wasn't like we were seeing each other before but i still feel the distance it feels weird right even though okay i mean we did see each other a couple times we were doing like drops of like yeah thanksgiving food and yeah but no for i feel the same i feel the same way like i see you i see you just as much as i have for the last six months nine months or whatever but yeah i don't know maybe it's just the backgrounds feel different but yeah i'm excited for you i can't wait till people um know like everything and all that stuff because like even just like we i was like geeking when it was just like 80 like 80 people like when it was just huge and then it became like oh and those 80 people are fucking cool yeah like it's so sick uh

fucking crushing it fucking crushing it thank you get that i was gonna say get that bread but then i started doing it to the song of get that head get that bread and then leave and that's just not professional in this in this situation for your job maybe a different job well anything else before we get in or should we um i just want to do a few house cleaning things um please do not dm us uh for asking for advice please that's what this show's for so please call in um please if you're under 18 make sure that you get your parents permission um especially like especially if you send us something in a dm like no please don't do that also don't ask us about don't dms asking us why you didn't get in the facebook group

or why you're still not getting it it's because you didn't follow directions so uh go back read things carefully follow the directions uh i think that's it yeah and also i will say too if you also got kicked out of the facebook group um i will also there are some exceptions to that like there was one time that like we like looked into like someone who like I recognize their name like have been in the group for a long time and like I had no memory of any problematic behavior like you and I talked about it and then I looked and it was like oh I accidentally did it at like 4 35 a.m which meant that like I accidentally did it but if you're messaging and then you the ones that have been killing me as a dance I've been getting people going um I got

kicked out of the Facebook group I think it's because of x y and z and I'm like okay then then yeah so it has been kind of like you know validating for me the people who've been reaching out have been like I got kicked out I've like never posted but I loved reading everything and I was like yeah that's why you got kicked out said a thousand times that you can't just be in the group just to read things you have to be an active member because it's not like a secret that's like the thing that like I try to get through to people that it's like these aren't people like secret people posting their seat like these are people who have like their names and pictures attached they're sharing really vulnerable stories they're sharing really personal intimate kind of stuff

and when you're just like watching that it just doesn't it just feels sketchy and like icky and like it doesn't feel it's supportive and not in like sexy way no it's not sexy not sexy at all but um they have been happy to see all the new people in the group though and like who are like actively participating and you know that that makes me that that makes me excited so we do like having new people in the group. It's just, we're very, very protective of everybody in it and making sure that, you know, nobody, nobody's coming through and being an asshole. So let's get into the update. Um, so I called in, uh, with my coworker, he was acting like really weird towards me. And this is after, like, I had found out that he had a crush on me. Um, and I, it was

for the episode with um jesse season five like episode six um and he started like acting like really cold towards me and anytime like any i worked in a police precinct but i was like not a cop like nothing like that i like how you i like the disclaimer she's like not a cop a cab not a cop i was i was a victim's advocate so like i had to basically anytime somebody made a police report i would get their information and both of us were victims advocates um and anytime like an officer made a comment about my boyfriend he would start making like really rude comments like oh you know it's not gonna last like you know your guy lives out of state like that's really hard and I was like I like no it's it's not um and it that's what the original call was about

um and after I called it actually ended up escalating to the point of where um one of the officers was like oh like are you meeting his parents yet and I was like yeah going this weekend and my co-worker like dead ass in front of everybody stands up and is like I don't think you should do that I was like oh why like it's none of your business as to what's going on it's like you're moving way too fast like what you've only been dating this guy for a month and I was like no none of your business yeah um and I actually ended up going like to my supervisor about it and I was like he's making really rude comments and her solution was um well maybe you should just be nicer and not bring up your boyfriend in like the workplace setting and

you know he's trying to keep hit and she's like I spoke with him and he's trying to be very professional and you're making it really hard for him to be professional and i was like i hate women like this they're setting us back i'm like you're fucking you're making it harder for the rest of us you bitch and hr was no help either because and again our hr woman for our unit was also a woman and she was like well um i'm not gonna talk to him because he hasn't expressed any concerns but I can move you to a different like precinct location and I was like but there's only two precincts that are open and it both would add an additional hour commute onto my already hour and a half commute and also he you're not the problem yeah I'm yeah I was literally being nice I've like

stopped talking about my boyfriend at any time an officer would be like oh how is he like you're going to see him this weekend he would have to he would make a point to say something that it's not gonna work ew um and what really pissed me off was because we were working from home just because where we live they got very strict and they told us even though I was considered an essential worker they didn't want us going back into like the precinct locations just because they're like cops are not following the regulations at all oh my gosh shocked the people that are protect and serve no way following the rules so they're just like well you're a civilian so we don't want you getting like anything happening to you can we just say that doesn't that feel like a derogatory

word civilian doesn't it feel like an insult yeah it feels like i have like no power but yeah because i think of that when i hear other people use that term and i was curious in the workforce if it also kind of feels like it feels like a kiddo do what i mean like yeah kiddo yeah i i had I had an officer tell me like well you're a civilian you don't know anything about the law and I was like I studied this for four years and then additional two years to get my master's in what you do right and you know way more than they know yeah and also even what they know they're like well I also know the loopholes in the like that like fuck you it was it was a great time but i'm no longer working there so it's great right hell yes um and i don't work with

cops now at all so still in a victim service field but yeah i mean that shouldn't be part of in it shouldn't be part of cop duties like it shouldn't fall under the same purview anyway yeah well i'm sure it was a uphill battle for a lot of stuff like a lot like it like it makes your job harder like your job like once said it shouldn't be related to that at all and so like I'm I'm sure that like it's it you you're not necessarily back that you weren't necessarily in a position where you could help as much as you like wanted to and like all of that stuff like I'm sure you face a lot of like obstacles fucking stupid obstacles they would they would pull out like technicalities and it's like pretty much like I'd be I'd pull out like their code book and be

like this is what it says this is what you should do and they're like well you know because it was raining that day or like some utter bullshit of like well i know this better than you and i know like what to avoid like doing anything for this case oh trash to our foster kids so it's great oh amazing yeah hell yes a cab every fucking day but i'm so glad she got out of that fucking situation me fucking too i was worried i oh there's like nothing shittier than like when like work you're already you have to be there and you're doing shit and then when other people make it like a job that's already hard even fucking harder and then like in a social way too like it's just like why why why are you making everything worse fucking happy for her

very very happy we'd love to see it all right now on to our first call hi megan and melissa and possibly guest probably not though um as we all know it is the quarantine still so probably not um anyway i'm just gonna get right into this call um i am calling because my boyfriend and I, we've been dating for five years. We just moved into our first apartment with our dog. And it's only been a couple of months, but pretty much since the day we moved out, both his family and my family will not just let us enjoy our new space. His family decided to do family dinners um which you know in theory sounds amazing I love his family I love having dinner with them I love hanging out with them but I don't want to do it every single weekend

and they want to do that every single weekend and we do not I mean we don't have a problem with like saying no sometimes but like they're the kind of people that need an explanation every single time you say no and like my parents are constantly just wanting me to come over and whether he's with me or not they want to see my dog all the time and I totally understand where they're coming from but also we've been out of the house for three months and it doesn't even feel like it. How am I supposed to miss those people if I see them at least once to three times a week? I need my space and I need my independence and so does he. And I'm just really struggling how to communicate that to both my family and his family because I do love them and I love spending

time with them i just want to fucking be an adult and enjoy my time with my boyfriend and my dog like this is a whole new chapter in my life and i feel like i can't even enjoy it um so yeah if you have any advice on how i can nicely convey that to both of our families please and thank you maybe just tell them we're in a pandemic that was my gonna be my suggestion too because as we know bubbles don't actually exist unless you all live in the same household i hate the word i hate the fucking term bubble i just it doesn't it doesn't work like they don't work because one person once you like go to the grocery store like it's out once you do whatever essential things you need to do you're already out and then in this case like you guys plus your

parents on both sides like if this were to work then you'd all have to be in the same bubble and this these are the only people you can see and i can guarantee that with all these people these aren't all the same people that you're able to see no because like if i were to make it like my bubble back in la would have been me maz because he lives with me and then um trader joe's and cvs oh yeah yeah but like then they're and they're like they're distant but that's the thing but that's the thing like i think of like any like cvs is a part of my bubble yeah like and therefore every person who's like in and i'm not going but i'm going by proxy because mox is going exactly and that's the other part that like we only have one person from our household who like goes and

does stuff because it's like if we both went to cvs to like pick it so we go to cvs to pick up my medication then like i would what i i come closer into contact with one other person then he comes in close like it just completely doubles it even if you're going to like the same places like just because you're adding more bodies so i think like you guys you acknowledge the pandemic at the beginning of the call and i know people like get upset when we like make things about this but like I think this is a great way for you to express this like to your family like in like hi uh you know we obviously like love seeing you but it's really not it's really not safe right now and I want we want to enjoy our new apartment and we actually it's weirdly a very serendipitous

thing that like we actually get to like it's a pandemic and we're moving into this new place together that we can't really see other people and so like it is kind of a great excuse for him and I to like really celebrate this time just him and I together and it's also about protecting your safety and everybody else's safety around us and it doesn't mean that we don't love you but like let's have uh once a month let's do like a family like zoom dinner over zoom kind of thing and like switch off in that way but like but even then I don't think she even wants to do that I think sometimes she just doesn't want to hang out with them every weekend so I think like if we were giving advice post-pandemic pre-pandemic or like even like with the zooms I would just be up front

with them and be like we just kind of want to do our own thing today and uh yeah just say that we can have family dinners you know once a month but this isn't something that we want to keep doing and i'm sure they're missing you guys that's part of it yeah um especially when you were with them all the time but just tell them like this isn't something that we want to continue to do it's gonna hurt their feelings you need to be prepared for that it's gonna hurt their feelings but sometimes you have to put yourself first and you have to put your foot down because if this is what they expect in a pandemic they're gonna expect so much so much so much so much more and yeah it's not personal but they also have to get the like there there are ways to like spend

quality like you don't have to spend quality time isn't necessarily like oh every single weekend like this this this this and this and it will get easier like it is going to be like an awkward i'm sure like an awkward conversation at first but i think like it's about deciding do you feel more comfortable issuing a blanket statement first of like but like and you reach out before they're asking you to hang out or do you feel more comfortable in the moment when they're like hey let's hang out this weekend and it's like you know i we obviously like love hanging out with you but like um we've been talking about it and um we really like want to spend some time together and like just do our own kind of stuff and like we obviously miss you and we love you

but like hanging out every single weekend not only is uh excessive and dangerous in like the pandemic but also like we it's not giving us the opportunity to really like enjoy this like new space and like new time together and so like let's like how about like and like pick a date like how about let's do like a family zoom this time or this day or whatever and i think that can be yeah and there's like friends that i have that they want to um facetime like every weekend and for me first of all I work pretty much every day as it is but like when I am done working like I need that time to decompress and that means that I don't want to talk to anybody during that time or like in your case you're probably like busy all during the week this is your time for you

guys to just have time together without having to worry about work or school or whatever you're doing um yeah so like they they need time like just let them know that you just need time you just need time if they're gonna be upset with you over like this understand that like you are doing the right and safe thing and so like take a step back if they're gonna be upset and like unplug from cocking for a little while until they can cool down but like you don't have when people are upset with you in that kind of situation for like this stuff like if we're going to be being specific to the pandemic um you don't have to list it's not your responsibility to listen to other people be upset with you over the choices that you're making that are protecting the safety

of you and others and so if they start talking to you in a way that like does not make you feel good or makes you feel really guilt trippy and bad like you are you are an adult and like exercise that right and ability to be like you know what this is not the kind of this is not a productive conversation and this is not something that feels good so i will i'll talk to you later and like make those really strong boundaries now. Cause again, if you don't make them now post pandemic, yeah. And they gotta be, you guys like be safe taking care of everybody. And like, I know a lot of people like when this sounds like, well, like this, but this and this, and like these excuses and all of this kind of stuff, it's like, no, you don't want to see them

right now. And we're in a pandemic. So like, it's just, it is the right, like this is, you have an opportunity to like set those clear boundaries. But I, even though I'm saying like, make sure you're talking about pandemic too just because i want you to be safe and your families to be safe um don't don't use that as like the excuse to get out of the party yeah like because it still needs to be like these set boundaries so it's not like oh the second that like we're gonna go back to normal it's gonna be like this again it's about setting those boundaries and addressing the fact that we're in a pandemic and keeping your family and you safe and everyone who you interact with safe because yeah not even just you guys but like the people that like at the grocery store like

you know someone who's buying groceries for someone who's immune compromised like all of like health care like workers and all of that kind of stuff i just think that that needs to be the safety of it hi megan melissa um i love your podcast a lot so i'm 18 years old and i'm a pisces so i'm calling in about a situation that i have with a friend so around this time of year everybody um because i'm a senior in high school they're like getting into college making their decisions. So me and my friend both got accepted into this one school. And if I'm being honest, it's probably my top choice and probably where I'm going to end up. And for her, I never really heard her bring it up until I did. And I honestly would prefer to go to a college where there

weren't people from my high school, but I understand like that's not realistic, but I kind of just want a fresh start. The problem is, is when I talked to her about it, she basically said that she'll go if I go like if I go there she's gonna like follow me if that makes sense and that's pretty much why she wants to go there and she's also like yeah like we can go together and we can room together and rush for like sorority and all this stuff which I know like it sounds great but I know that we'll get sick of each other and I honestly um kind of just want to branch out in college and meet new people and like especially the roommate thing I just know that we would not um get along and it wouldn't be good and i don't really know how to tell her

that she shouldn't make the decision because of me and if she does go there that we probably shouldn't room together i don't really know if i'm overreacting for being annoyed but i'm just not sure how to handle the situation so i appreciate your help bye you're not overreacting this is Melissa and I's worst nightmare yeah we're like completely worst nightmare um I don't know how big the school is but uh I went to a state school that was like 20 minutes from my hometown so therefore most of the people I went to high school with were in that school and I didn't ever see like I saw them all the time but like we weren't friends because I feel like there's just a natural divide when you go to college and if you tell her like I think you'll

get your fresh start but if you tell her up front like I don't want to room with you there's I mean there's delicate ways to go about this but saying like um you know like to preserve our friendships I hear that a lot of people that are friends if they room together then it just ruins their friendship and i don't want that ruined so like i don't want to be roommates with you and then like for the sorority thing like rushing together just because you rush together doesn't mean you're going to end up in the same sorority at all yeah um and you're not going to be like with her while you're going through all that um what what else does she bring up well i think the the like you said with like i think a good excuse um or a reasoning to say

for the roommate thing is also just saying like you know i want to go into call like i think it'll also be great too because then like you know we'll be able to meet more people and like i can meet your roommate you meet my roommate so that we automatically have like more people like as opposed to just being us too but you do have to tell her yeah because it like she will be so disappointed like that like assuming there will be like a natural falling out will work only if you're not roommates yep but if you agree to like be roommates or and you don't kind of shut down her like except like that thing of being like you know like i like i'm excited to go to college like i think it'd be really cool if like we went to like the same college but like i just like want

to be up front with you like i obviously care about you as a friend and i think you're awesome but like i really want to like have like a random roommate so like i can meet some like new people and like especially with like russian sororities and stuff like i don't want either of us to feel like pigeonholed like feeling like we have to like the same sororities and like we can be friends if we're in different sororities like I don't want uh our college experiences to be like to be dependent on both of us like liking and wanting to do the kind of like exact same thing because like I don't know what I'm gonna like in college I don't know what I'm gonna want to do and I think like it'll be we'll be so much better we'll be able to maintain our friendship and be so much

better friends like if we have like our own stuff and our own things and like there's a like I know so many people who like went through rush with like whether it was like people that they met orientation or like friends whatever and like everybody kind of ended up where they ended up but if you don't create those boundaries with like the root like because she might then choose to go to a different school and like that that's good like if that's what it's riding on yeah and like even like within my friend group from high school like two of the gals in my friend's groups they were like best friends since they were like in diapers basically like they were neighbors they roomed together in college don't speak to each other anymore me and another girl that we

weren't like the closest but we were still like in the friend group we don't speak to each other like we stopped speaking to each other after the first semester because like she left and became ra and it was like it was just like this weird tension that was within and i just don't i don't think that and even my sister her like best friend that she's been with that's been her best friend since they were little like they decided that they weren't going to room together in college because of you know it just doesn't work out even though that they're like basically sisters they don't they didn't room together and they're still best friends now and they're like 27 28 i don't know 29 i forgot i made fun of her because she's gonna this is her last year in her 20 um

And so like, I just, I just think that it's going to naturally happen. Even if you guys room together, you're going to fall out. And even if you don't room together, you're going to have a natural separation. So either way, it's going to be messed up. So you just got to be up front with her to begin with. yeah i think it's just easier to like set that precedent beforehand because like you do feel an obligation to a friend and you shouldn't your first fucking weeks of college like you shouldn't feel an obligation to anybody you don't know anyone like you shouldn't have those kind of like lasting things and also it is uh the amount of people who like i again i didn't go to college for a long time but the people who like their roommate was their friend from high school or whatever those people didn't become friends with them because they didn't hang out they hung out with just each other like that's not it's not like a and it feels weird like it is just kind

of like a different situation like there could be like oh we're friends in college but like yeah like we were in high school but like we didn't room together like that gives people like a okay like you're trying to you're not just trying to like recreate high school in this circumstance but yeah i mean i would feel so weird by this if like a friend like sydney and i applied to like only a maybe like one or two of the same schools we got into like what we had like one overlap and neither of us like neither of us went there and it wasn't like a oh now we have like and like she's like my sister she's like my best friend she's the only person only friend that i could room with and like i could have roomed with all of college but like it wasn't like a oh we're not gonna go

to the same school it was just like there we have different things that we want to do and like different kind of stuff and we have different like goals and things that we want out of college and like i'm sure it feels also pretty fucking weird that like this person like she's kind of just copying you and it's not like a coincidence because she is resting a lot of this heavily on like you guys doing things together so it doesn't think that this is like a selling like i think you are the selling point to the school which is a lot of pressure that you do not need and you know it's not a mean thing she might be upset but that's also not on you at all it's not your responsibility and she'll be more upset if you don't say anything and then it happens when she's

already at college awkward y'all okay guys let's take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from our break and we're gonna hop into the rest of the calls hi megan hi melissa i'm calling you guys about this guy i'm seeing we started dating slash seeing each other about a month ago, and so far it's been great. We get along really well. For context, I am 21, I am an Aries, and he is 23 and a Sagittarius. He's really creative, whereas I'm quite academic and logical, so I feel like we complement each other quite well. And yeah, I just feel really comfortable around him. He's really in touch with his emotions. He makes me feel really comfortable. I feel like we can talk about anything, and so far we've just been having

a great time. The problem is our sex life. We have not had sex yet. And this is not for lack of trying. By the third date, I invited him over to mine. Um, and basically he just couldn't get it up. I thought this was okay. Like no big deal. He told me that he hadn't had sex in a long time because obviously we've been in a global pandemic and that this hadn't happened before. And I didn't think much of it. Thing is it's now been four or five times. I've either gone around to his or he's come over to mine and it's been the same thing every time we start making out things get hot and heavy and then he just can't get hard obviously this is a really sensitive topic for guys and i don't want him to feel bad about himself but i have made it clear to him that

i really want to have sex um how do i go about making him feel comfortable um i don't know if he's just really nervous he has said that he really likes me and now it's just become a nerve thing but obviously i think it might be something maybe more medical so i've you know recommended that he see a doctor but I realize this is something that must be quite um nerve-wracking maybe emasculating for a guy I hate that word but you know what I mean um I've kind of jokingly said that we should do the TikTok trend where we both take by aggra and see how long we can keep our hands off each other uh because I feel like maybe if we both take it it's less of an issue for him um so basically my question is well a is this a deal breaker should I just stop seeing him I do

really like him though but I can't imagine a relationship without a sex life um or b how do I make him more comfortable around me is he maybe just not attracted to me or is he just really nervous or is this a medical thing how do I go about this the other thing I want to ask about is obviously we've done stuff in the bedroom I've gone down on him and he's offered to go down on me multiple times but every time I said no basically my ex refused to go down on me and we dated for two years absolute dick i know but now i have this huge fear about guys going down on me i don't know it just seems really scary and intimate how do i get over this fear of having a guy's head between my legs i really want us to progress as a couple and make things official

at some point but i don't know how we can go about this if a i'm scared of him going down on me and b we can't have sex thanks so much bye why is this a trend first of all second you shouldn't be taking medication that you haven't that you shouldn't be taking like if you don't need it then you shouldn't be taking it i mean that like for you i mean he might need it but he needs to go to a doctor and get this checked out it might be he might be on other medications that um are inhibiting him from getting an erection or it might be stress it there are a plethora reasons that it could be and i wouldn't like think if if he's going out with you and having a good time with you it's not because he's not attracted to you and he wants

to go down on you like he wouldn't people that that aren't attracted to you would want to give you head no no so so it's not that um so that's that issue um how how would you go about like telling or suggesting that to someone because it sounds like she already did in a roundabout way yeah so i think the key thing here like she's already done that and then like the other part is like is this a deal breaker and so the thing is for me personally like it's also about like incentive so like it's about okay no shame like yeah there's so many different factors or reasons this could be happening but have are you do you care as much about this happening and making a change as i'm trying to care because like you've only been dating him for like a month like it and

you don't want to like obviously like push him to do something he's not comfortable with or like whatever or anything like that like it is like you are treading lightly so there becomes there gets to be a point where you've brought it up enough times and he's choosing not to like go to the doctor if he's embarrassed or feels uncomfortable about it then that's fine but that's on him and like it's not your responsibility to be like oh okay this thing that's really important to me like he feels uncomfortable like there's a certain extent of feeling uncomfortable and like feeling nervous and like awkward and like yeah it's emasculating quote unquote but those feelings are like temporary like there are things that if it's not solution not even

solution if it's not action oriented then it just becomes like complacent in it and then it's just like I don't know like I don't know what we're doing then because like I would like if we can change this but like I'm not going to push you to something that you don't want to do so then maybe we're just like not that compatible and like maybe it's something that like he's not like it could be any sort of like reason but if he's not if he doesn't want to fix this like more like then then that's just kind of like where it is like it has to be a level of like I always say like if you you can't complain about something you have no plans on fixing or no plans on like making a change on and so i think it just does get to a point where does is that is there do you want to

make a change like do you want to talk to a doctor and if you don't want to feel comfortable talking to a doctor that's okay like that's fine that's your life but like sex is important to me and this is something that i need in a relationship and that doesn't make you a bitch for like not wanting to like yeah because again it's not even it's about the incentive it's about like this is it's important to me. And I'm seeing that this is not of equal value or importance to you. So therefore, we're just not compatible. Like and that's okay. But I think I would, I agree that I don't think that he would be offering to go down on you if he didn't, unless he like knows that you don't like that. And then he's doing it knowing that it's not going to happen. But I would

assume like he is attracted to you because people don't, you don't really do that when you're like not attracted to someone um and I think if you don't feel I don't think I think if you don't feel comfortable with that with him I know I think if you don't feel comfortable with someone going down on you that's okay and just because he's now not able to get hard and you can't have sex doesn't necessarily mean that you need to break down something that you're doing mean that like if you don't feel calm like comfortable because like I think going down someone is so much more intimate than having sex and if you're not at that level where you feel like you can like trust him and like that because your ex made you feel a certain type of way about it like you don't

have to be like okay well fuck my feelings he like now i have to do this because we can't do this other thing like are there hands being involved is he like fingering you are you getting off like that way um but i think she does want him to go down on her she's just like mental mentally not ready for it yeah she wants to get she wants to figure out how she can get over how she can feel more comfortable yeah i think it's i i think these are really connected because like it is intimate to have someone's fucking like head between your legs and like i i if not to project but if this were me i would feel like it can feel obviously it's hard for the person who's like has a hard time getting hard but like there i'm sure there is parts of it that feel like

oh are you attracted to me or anything like that and then you're supposed to feel sexy and relaxed and having someone go down on you which in the back of your mind you're wondering if he is attracted to you so i think that you need to have a conversation with everything as a whole with him to be like here's the thing i like i know you've offered to go down yeah like i really appreciate that like um here's a little back history like my ex never used to do that and like i not that i want to call it a complex but like he really got in my head and like now i have like these like insecurities about this yeah and it's not something that i it's something that i really want to work through um but i think something that's really tied to that is like it feels really intimate and

um i i know that this must like you have no reason to feel like ashamed or like weird or anything about what's going on but like i can't but help like feel like i i know it's not like i know that's probably not what it is like i can't help but feel like a little insecure which is making me really not feel comfortable for having you on me because like I don't feel sexy like I feel like I'm not like you're not attracted to me and like I just think that like sex is something that's really like important to me and I don't think that I can have you go down I think we need to figure all of this out and I yeah and just like on the reverse of that he might be feeling the same way which is why he can't get hard too yeah and I think if you can both just

be super open and honest and like have a conversation that we're you're talking about it and it's not like in the moment like oh this like uh and then you don't bring it up again like bringing it up when you're not naked you're not having sex like having this be a conversation and then like sure maybe try you maybe it's just like the verbal affirmations that you both need that you both find each other sexy you're both really attracted to each other like that is like maybe that will help and but other than that i think like it's coming up with an action plan of like would like art would you feel comfortable like talking to like your like doctor about it just because like the the the self-fix of like a viagra or something like that's not that's not

getting to the root of the problem if you don't know what the problem is and it could just create a bigger problem like it and i think like it's yeah there's a lot of things that could be going on but like it's if you guys can't like have come to communication with this kind of thing it doesn't only matter how great on paper either of you are you just might not be compatible because it also might not be like as big of a deal like you might yeah you guys might be weighing these things kind of differently and being like well not okay but like like you but him taking viagra could be like it's like you said it's not going to fix like the core problem but like it's i think just like the reverse of that that would be like you getting super drunk and then letting him like feeling

comfortable enough for him to go down on you they're not fixing either one of the situations you have to figure out why i mean we know why you you're not comfortable but like work through that figure out how to work through that and that's like a slow process of building through that and like it's unlearning like self-judgment and behavior that somebody else had like instilled in you and so like it takes a while to kind of unlearn that and if he's not comfortable talking to you or talking to his doctor about that i don't know how you would feel comfortable do unpacking that with him too like it's just a level of communication and comfort and it's valid that at one month you guys wouldn't necessarily feel that with each other

and that also doesn't necessarily mean that like oh let's stick around for three months to still see if we do it might just not be the right pair and this feels like something very fixable and it could not be like it could just be like a incompatibility and this is how it's like manifesting itself jinx but yeah i think if you won't talk to like a doctor or anyone about it then that's kind of like that's it's allowed it's you're very allowed to have that be a deal breaker doesn't make you a bitch at all because it's not about it's not about the dick it's about like the actual like incentive like being proactive and you know all that let's go to the next one hi megan and melissa i hope you're doing well i have a rather unique dating problem so for a little

backstory i graduated college in may college took me forever for reasons i won't get into so i'm 27 i just graduated before all my classes went online in march i had a crush on this guy we'd have really good conversations before class, but I never got a chance to get his number. School went online and the world went kind of crazy and I lost contact with him. Fast forward to now in November, I'm on Tinder and Hinge. I found this same guy on Tinder a few weeks ago and it reignited all my feelings. I swiped right and he never responded. I just found him on Hinge tonight and I'm pretty sure he's inactive on both apps because both of them have him working a job that I know only students at our college can have and we both graduated. I matched him on Hinge and it's too soon to know if

he liked me on there. I rejected a lot of people on both apps because I'm super liberal and I live in a very conservative state. So I'm pretty sure that both apps are just showing me more inactive users because I rejected all the active people. So basically I'm looking for advice on what to do because I really miss this guy. And even if he's not interested in me romantically, I'd like to have him as a friend because we had really good conversations is it creepy that i liked him on two different apps is it weird to like people on apps who you don't who you know in real life i'm pretty sure he has facebook so i could reach out to him there in case you're wondering i'm 27 as i said i'm a gemini sun aquarius moon libra rising he's 24 and i don't know his sign any

advice would be greatly appreciated thanks we're simping after a 24 year old uh i'm not too hip on the uh dating apps but aren't you after you're like inactive for a minute doesn't your profile just kind of go away like you don't keep showing up for people um i think it should but if you have like swiped through like a lot of people and rejected a lot of people they do end up showing like they're you'll you'll be seeing like more backlogged um kind of people I have had someone who saw me on a dating app like and I hadn't been on it in months and months and months and months but we also but we also have like mutual I mean we're friends like we know each other and so that would show up more so if you also have like mutual friends with this

person um i think it would probably be more likely to show up but also i i don't really think that in general like i think that's me giving like big benefit of the doubt but like you know people like oh it's an act inactive profile like rarely that happens like it's kind of an excuse that people use when they're like on a dating app and they're in a relationship and like or something like that like it's as far as I know it most places don't and like this could be the exception to the rule in the sense that like you know you have mutual friends and like you've swiped through everybody and so like they're showing you like but also those dating apps usually tell you last active and then also like with the thing with you saying that his work is something that's just on

campus it could be one he didn't change it or two like he's a student and it's something on campus And if he was in school, then he would might still have that job or like he doesn't want to change to unemployed or just students. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I think those both are connected through Facebook, too. So like when I was on dating apps, mine said like UC Riverside, like and I I dropped out, hadn't gotten there in forever. But it was just like they take any sort of like identifying kind of personal information and have it there. so like you would have to change you have to go into your like facebook usually and change those kinds of settings um i will say if you have feelings for this person which you do don't try and be friends with them because you don't want to be friends with them you want to date him

and you think that if you become friends with him there it's just different like it is just fully different i think there's a way that like you can think you're attracted you can think you really like someone and then you hang out and then you're like oh we're way better as friends but it's not usually like a oh i really like you but i'll take being your friend because like that's just not gonna end well um i don't think it's weird to swipe right on people who you know in real life um moths and i'm like i saw moths on a dating app before we started dating he swiped right i swiped left and i sent him a screenshot and i was like i did the same thing to someone it's i mean it's it's it's like cheeky and cute being like well i wasn't gonna like i don't know

if you're gonna swipe right and say oh i swiped right and i was like oh it's funny um i don't think that's like weird at all but i think if i think you're kind of just like backpedaling so much of this like if you like this dude and like you want to reach out message him on facebook but like be be like forward with what you're into but like don't kind of be like oh well i liked him on these apps but i don't really want to reach out to him on facebook and like maybe we'll just be friends like you're backpedaling like if you're interested be interested and show your cards and then see what he if he's into it or not but it doesn't really matter how you go about something unless you're like stalking someone but like it doesn't really matter how you go about something

someone's either going to be into you or they're not so like i wouldn't worry about like the technicalities of everything and i just yeah i just wouldn't backpedal i would just like reach out and flirt over Facebook yeah I think that's like very valid because also it makes it you're you're protecting yourself in that sense I think a lot of the time like we think like if we kind of like slow ball like go into it in a way then we're protecting ourselves so we don't get hurt but then it's just the long game of getting hurt because then someone's talking to you and then you're like oh are they leading me on it's like well have I given them any indication that I'm into them or am I just like being nice and like if you don't show your intentions when you're like

getting to like when you're reaching out to someone I just think like yeah you save both of yourselves like a lot of like confusion and hurt if you're just like honest and you already know how you feel so I think you would be doing yourself a disservice if you just downplayed it or kind of you were going about it in a very roundabout way you have a message him on Facebook hey yeah just send a message and i think you're gonna be like hey uh because i mean you've you graduated in may just be like hey just checking in to see how everything's going because you haven't talked to him since you graduated i take it so just like do that and then i think you'll be able to gauge if he actually likes you or not i would be so forward and i would be like hey

so should i take it personally that i swiped right on you on two day and a half and i didn't get any matches or like or would you like to have a redemption arc like i would like make some cheeky joke about like that and if he's like oh like that's so funny like you know like i think you're a great friend but like i don't like necessarily say like that it's like okay no hard feelings let's be friends like i think like but i'm also forward as fuck like i would just rather like rip the bandit off and get it over with um but yeah i would just be flirt i would just flirt automatically and i i say that because i prefer dudes who do that to me like i would so much prefer a guy who like right off the bat is so flirty and i'm like oh i'm not interested

like thanks i would get that and be like who the fuck is this stalker i mean it depends on how well you knew each other but i think that definitely depends yeah but then you know automatically you don't have to waste your time anymore simping and thinking about what could be maybe fucking sucks we can romanticize people like that and also just like that it's kind of comfort when you're like oh i know you you're not a serial killer as far as i know yeah but yeah be bold fuck it we're in a pandemic you're not gonna fucking see anyone that's what i think like true i'll just i'll just if i if you if i go for it and you're not into it i'll just block you and never think of you again

time for don't blame them don't blame them is when one of our listeners gives their own advice from a previous episode maybe they've got personal experience with a call that we talked about or they have some sage wise wisdom or anything like that get some more insight so what's it from so this is from season seven episode three where the in the original call the uh girl and her boyfriend do not have their pants off at the same time because they don't want to bone well she wants to bone but he wants to wait till marriage so here is someone sharing their advice okay so i got cut off last time so i'm trying again hi megan and melissa I'm calling for the girl on the episode, Snooping Little Brother, who was waiting until marriage with her boyfriend and having trouble getting off by doing other things.

I have advice for if she decides to stay with her boyfriend, although I totally agree that maybe the relationship isn't the best option for her right now. The first thing I want to say is that the idea that penis and vagina sex is like not doing that as abstinence, But doing everything else is really heteronormative because there's lots of people who don't have penis and vagina sex who are still having sex. So I would just encourage the caller to, like, look into that with her boyfriend and have those conversations, even if they're not going to change their boundaries. I had a super hard time getting off when I first started to, like, receive head. And I was just really in my head about, like, coming fast or, like, coming at all. So I would just encourage the caller not to worry so much about coming, like, find a way to just set, like, a time for her boyfriend to go down on her and just, like, experience pleasure and not worry about coming during that time. It just takes away the pressure, and you get out of your head a little bit.

And then I would also suggest that she masturbate, which will help her learn what she likes. And then to go, like, a little more intense with that, she should buy a sex toy if she's comfortable with that. And if her partner's comfortable, I think it's great to like use those together. So, you know, he can use it on her. They can make out like, it's just a really like fun time for both of you. And I think would still fit within your boundary. But yeah, I did that way faster than my first one. So I love the podcast so much.

And I wish this caller the best of luck because I totally understand where she's coming from. All right. Thank you guys. Bye. I do love the image. i don't think that i don't i can't imagine that he would become and if he would like i mean i'm not a fan of purity culture i mean pretty culture it's very damaging and and like there's no issue with like deciding to not have sex but the image and the idea that like imagines like a like a

giant dildo that he can like fuck her with but he can't fuck her but maybe it was it's not like the like a penetrative toy it's like a clit toy no i know totally that makes total sense but i just think that like that would be like that's one of those things that it's like okay come on like good god but yeah i mean i think it's it is a very true that i mean i think uh if we want to like dive deep into like purity culture as a whole purity culture it's very heteronormative like it very very much is because most of it is derived from uh religions that have uh you know and purity culture also it's kind of just like grooming in itself too that it's like no you have to get married when you're very young so you can do these things and all of this kind of stuff where it's

like you have like child brides essentially and so that in itself i think is very hetero normative and i think that like having a conversation like the original color having conversation with her boyfriend about it i think it might um bring up some some viewpoints that you that might be also potential other deal breaker in the relationship um because i if if it is like for you know religious um reasons and they're talking and she brings up like well you know penetrative sex is like not the only kind of like sex or whatever i do wonder what his like views are on that which is an even bigger deal breaker call some people call the uh butthole god's loophole get they still they get there somewhere against gay marriage and it's like well okay but yeah i

i think like you know i think this is definitely like a a tough spot to be in and not something that i i'd be able to hang with yeah but you're not religious at all no not no not at all don't know don't know anything well that's it for our episode guys we hope you enjoyed if you want to call us for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com again we ask you keep your voicemail under three minutes and you are 18 or over or have your parents permission you can also follow us on instagram don't blow a meme pod our own individual instagrams our videos over on patreon you can also support the show there we do live streams twice a month and it helps us keep

doing this show that we we oh so love doing we love it we love it um you can leave us a review on the apple podcast app um or wherever you listen to your podcast we appreciate it we read them and it's always nice when the first one's not like fuck these liberals hey fucking liberals with their viewpoints and their astrology they're gonna burn in hell that's what i i don't know you know uh i'm just thinking about mullets who mullets mullets i thought mullins m-u-l-l-i-n-s what are we gonna say uh oh if you're in georgia then tomorrow is the last to vote um so please vote in the runoffs if you're in the right districts please vote for john ossoff or uh warnock revin warnock very holy and exudes exudes holiness like i like he might be

able to make me be religious like he might be able to convince me if i got he just looks like i'm just him and my mom together dude if you put me in a room with them i'd be like yeah 100 god for sure big fan love it love it they just both have like those like i trust them energies and like that's you know yes they might be able to i'm a little behind though i just too much homework to catch up on hey it's never too late to learn jesus is always here to welcome you okay guys um anything you want to promote nope no no you can go to melissa's instagram though she has all of her podcasts that she also works on i've also ran out of space now so i need to make a website damn booked and busy also follow me on instagram and buy my book if you want to buy my presets

and uh be safe wear a mask don't uh fuck around and don't kill your grandma or buddy white the end goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso