Don't Blame Me! - S7E8: FOMO in a Relationship w/ Melisa D. Monts

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Moving in with your new boyfriend Dad getting swindled and divorce options Update: Mom thinks I'm in love with my brother in-law   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/     Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME,' PLUS exclusive bonus episodes.     Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I'll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. Woo-hoo-hoo! Oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph. I like that. What'd you say? You liked it. I said I like that. Yeah, same wavelength.

watch out pitch perfect we're coming for you we're bitch perfect i hate myself but at the same time i don't you know i absolutely love that they did love it too uh hello everybody uh my name is megan welcome don't blame me i am joined by my co-host and producer melissa hello and together we make up m&m um an advice podcast where you call in you leave us voicemails and then we listen to them and we give you advice and you know despite how weird our advice is it's my kind of shock to you but neither of us are licensed uh you know therapists or i'm not like i'm a licensed zumba instructor i've got a license to kill does that mean that you like are a legal gun owner or something like what is a license to

kill me it's the isn't that a cop movie but it's like a phrase i know but i think it's because of that movie oh it's a reference well a cap so i don't know i'm gonna look it up because this might be all all lies if you want to call in to an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we um don't ask we demand uh because you will get cut off you got to keep that voicemail and voice note under three minutes long and that might not seem like a long guys it's a very that's a very long time and to make you best use of that time write down what you want to say and that will help you figure out you can you know practice the timing how long it takes you

to say everything but then it also will help you you know get rid of any unnecessary details add the the stuff that we need to know in and you need to be 18 or older or have your parents permission before you call in and um license to kill what does it mean it is a reference to the 1989 james bond it is the title of that james bond license to kill so i mean close so did james bond have a license because he's an mi6 agent so yes but that's his license right that's what if we were gonna break it down he's a spy so therefore because he's a spy he can kill people so he has a license to kill okay so i don't have that guys but hey i'm working on you becoming a spy you could never be a spy you talk too much to be a spy well no no that's not

the issue the issue is that i'm not good at doing things without getting without getting accurate credit and praise and spies have to be secretive too discreet i don't know her not because i can't be i i don't want to be i don't want to be like no one even knew it was me like that's if like i ever murdered someone i would definitely go to jail because there's no way i could like i would be that you know serial killer in all the movies where they're like we're gonna deliver the profile and we're gonna say that we we found the guy or whatever but we're gonna say the wrong things or whatever and i'm gonna be like no hello i get credit oh my gosh well um what's new with you how are you i'm good you know still directing shit still uh producing shit um

still uh waiting for democracy to happen democracy i'm unfamiliar with what is what is she who is she i don't know her in the words of bryan carey i don't know her anything else or should we what about you what's new with me you know, chilling in Colorado, still, um, still very unsure about we're recording this on January 8th. So are the ICUs are still at zero capacity. I mean, at a hundred percent, they're at full capacity. They're zero openings and we are not going to be traveling back to LA until it is safer to do so so just hanging out here doing nothing really doing a lot of puzzles playing with the baby he's so so cute he's fully walking now I'm obsessed with him he thankfully he's

obsessed with me too he will grow out of it though eventually which I'm gonna it will break my heart um I don't know I don't I don't know I don't think it necessarily will happen because my nieces and nephews still aren't the same yeah yeah especially the big one and she's 13 yeah but she's but yeah i mean you know my whole dream is that like he's into everything that i'm into so then we like so naturally i've been playing him like taylor swift and i tried to find um a non-explicit censored version of trixie and katya and i tried to like you know i'm like come on does it exist uh it was a tiktok that's basically the amount of content i was able to get um but yeah so hopefully yeah even the boy is uh the big boy is now 11 and we still like he still texts me

and we talk about you gotta find that one thing that like you still have in common and like you know i play my little marvel strike force video game and so and among us and so like he wants to do those things too so you know so i'm just hoping he doesn't um right now he likes bugs and i'm hoping that that's not like the permanent thing because like i'm not a bug person so i kill him i would have to learn as soon as i see him i kill him yeah yeah i'm not i'm not into it so we pre-record our up i mean we don't pre-record we record our updates like usually before we start recording the full episode um and this one ran a little bit long and we debated cutting it down and just doing you know our normal episode where we have like

as many calls as we have and then you know the updates uh at the start but this is like so much i don't know if it's juicy it's someone's life yeah it's very layered and there's like a lot that we i don't think we necessarily harped on anything like over and over and over again we just like learned more stuff like as the whole call went on and this is also a call that got a lot of feedback from listeners who like were shook um including you know cammy who fucking texted me about this call specifically so we really want to give it it's like due air time so we are going to answer some calls and then we're going to get into the update the update is going to be like it's a whole second half of the show so please enjoy and um stay tuned i think

you guys are gonna be i think you'll be as shook and please please if you're normally an audio listener and you don't watch the videos go on patreon and watch the video because my face when i found out what this call like what her original call was i was i can't even like it's just our faces are priceless this might be one of the best facial episodes yeah this is the episode where we get facials and if we want to monetize it this is the episode we give face okay should we get into our calls yeah hi so i am calling because i have been with my boyfriend for six years and we started dating in high school i am 100 positive that he is my forever person but I can't help but to think about what I could be missing right now in college.

I have friends going out to parties and dancing with guys and hooking up with a variety of people and I, not right now obviously because of the pandemic, but they're all living this life where they're able to talk to multiple people and they kind of are discovering themselves slowly but surely and I feel like I'm kind of stuck because I love my boyfriend more than anything and I want to be with him for the rest of my life and I know if I bring this up it could be the end of our relationship even though I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life so I'm not really sure what to do because how does one talk about wanting to have more experiences before we get engaged or get married because I know he's my private person but I also know I can lose him

by having these thoughts or ideas or yeah I don't I'm curious what you're gonna have to say about this because I I can't I I mean neither of us can necessarily like relate to this specific situation but making sure that I had everything out of my system before Mott's night even not even everything out of my yeah but like before mods and i even started dating because like i i had to get like every guy that i like had kind of been backburnering i was like i'm someone if i'm i'm either dating nobody or i'm dating like multiple people like i'm like if i'm just dating i'm not in a relationship so that's what i do with mods like i was talking to so many people right at the start just because i was like i need to make sure that i'm not just i don't want to say

settling but like I want to make sure that like I'm not so into him just because he's the only person that I'm talking to and like this is like what it like I need something to compare it to so I I personally think if you are feeling like you want to have like explore other things and you're feeling kind of like you're missing out on being single I think that that's a sign that you need to do that and I don't even I I'm not going to say that I think that's a sign that he's not your forever person but it's a sign that he your forever is not starting right now like you're not ready for that to start right now and there's a huge difference because I think about it all the fucking time of like oh my god how weird is it that like I'm not gonna like date anybody else

most likely ever in my life. Like how weird is that? Like I think about it in like the sense of like, wow, that's so weird, but it's not in like a longing. I feel like I'm missing out or I wish I was like, I wish I was like my friends who were single or I feel jealous of their experiences. And you're also equating so much of their personal growth with this experiences. And that's true. I do think that there is a lot of like growth we do when we are like single, especially like as a young adult. And I don't think that you need to deprive yourself of that because you're trying to salvage your relationship by not talking to your partner about this, because I don't think that not talking about it will make it go away. Yeah. Yeah. So I think, so you have been dating

him since you were somewhere in between the age of 12 and 16, like since then. And those are both very like wherever you started those are all just like really in-depth like parts of your like your coming of age like you're still even in college like these are all times where you're still like trying to figure out who you are who you want to be what you're going to do with your future and you haven't experienced that you haven't experienced any you've experienced all this with the same person you haven't had time to grow outside of your relationship because you've been with one person and like with you megan yes you and mods have been like together and he's like here forever and you don't think you're going to be dating anybody else in the future but you've

also lived and been with several other people and this gal has like that was before mods and then like yeah at this point she hasn't been with anyone else period they uh i think that before you get engaged or whatever you want to do i think you guys probably should take a break i don't think i think that you there's outside of your relationship you need time to even if you just take a break and you're not even together like you take a break just to see who you are outside of relationship and then see who you are like with other people because if you're having these doubts you're going to continue if you stay in the relationship without figuring things out outside you're going to continue having these doubts and if this is your forever person is

that really something that you want to live with for the rest of your life without discovering what else is out there because you're always going to be comparing him to other people and those other people you're probably they probably don't they're not gonna honestly they're probably not gonna live up to what you expect but at least you know yeah well because it might even be like you guys take a break um you see other people and it's like oh the grass is greener on the other side but like you're saying you would only know you'll only know that if you do that you won't know any other way and it's not going to like go away or be any less like i know people who like were very seriously dating broke up took a break got back together end up together like it's not

something that needs and i think if you're so afraid that this will be the downfall of your relationship then that in itself is not the relationship for you like if you're so i know for a fact if i told matz i needed a year break and i want to just get back he would be like okay we'll do that like there you need to be secure in a relationship to know that like saying what you want and saying what you feel and what you need is not going to make you lose somebody else and also if it will make you lose them then you can't change how you feel to accommodate that because this is how you feel like you need to honor how you feel he needs to honor how you feel and like you said it's these like formidable ages that you're growing up with and

you don't know yourself without him and if you you don't want to you don't want to have these feelings on your wedding day or a year into a marriage or once you've got kids and then it like gets to a snapping point and then all this pent-up guilt that you have is just going to ruin everything yeah and also it will ruin your relationship like it won't even just be like a thing that you're keeping inside like it will make you resent your partner it will make all of the other things happen and you need to honor those feelings because it's such a valid thing like you guys have been together for so so long so long and it doesn't mean that this has to be the end but for him if it has to be the end then you have to respect that but you can't just like

withhold this information for him yeah because you don't want him to know so then he will stay and chances are he's probably having the same thoughts i was gonna say that too there this has crossed his mind at some point i think it's inevitable i think regardless of your age but especially because you guys have been together for so long and like you're in college and all of that kind of stuff like it comes up yeah i think i think i think i think take a break take a break but you know if you establish the terms of your break unlike Ross and Rachel we just watched that episode we were on a break my favorite quote from that one is he was like I fell asleep and she goes you fell asleep asleep so good uh should we go on to the

next yeah hi Megan and Melissa um I hope you all are doing well and staying safe in this holiday season. I am 21 years old. I am a Pisces, but I can take it if you guys want to go hard on me. I have a situation, I guess, that I'm in, and it's mostly just me trying to figure something out for myself. I have been with my boyfriend for almost seven months. It's very great. I love him a lot. He owns a house. He's 23, and he's a Leo, so very conflicting astrology signs there. He owns a home in the city that I live in and where I am going to college. I currently live with one other person, one of my good friends. We have been roommates for almost two years now in an apartment very close to my college campus. I graduate in May of 2021, and then I will go on

to get a teaching job since I am an education major. My question and what I am hoping to get some advice on is whether or not I should move in with my boyfriend in May when my lease is up with my roommate. And before I scare you guys with us only being together for seven months, a little background about my mental health these past couple of months, and actually really this past year, if necessary. I went through an extreme depressive episode around April during COVID. It was the first time that I ever considered ending my life. And I also in the process have not been able to sleep on my own since then. I get really anxious and nervous about being alone,

either in my apartment or in my boyfriend's house, and my mind goes and races to all these conclusions. So for the past few months, it has been me and my roommate comparing when we're going to be at the apartment so that when I'm there, she's there, and if she's not there, then I go over to my boyfriend. Because of that, I don't really have an interest in getting my own place by myself when I get a real job,

but I also don't see the current apartment that I'm living in as my home when I have a real job, and I'm over at my boyfriend's house a lot. So I guess that's a little bit of background. Just let me know what you think about the whole situation by then. In May, it will be a year that me and my boyfriend have been together. We've known each other for much longer. We just recently connected again. so yeah um if you think this is completely stupid please let me know if you think that

this may be a good idea also let me know um i really love listening to your podcast i've been listening for a couple years now and i love the advice you get so i'm just hoping to get some of my own this is layered much like an onion yeah i mean our usual go-to is don't move in with someone like until you've been together for over a year because like a year I think a year is when you really get to know someone but we are in a very different world right now so I think people have been getting to know each other like especially dating wise every relationship that I know of someone it's all moving faster all of it's moving faster you're either breaking up or you're getting married like that's pretty much what's happening um but I and also I I had a I

don't know you didn't specifically say your history with him just that you guys were like friends before you knew each other for a time period before um which also is Matz and I and the thing I would say is I think I totally relate to like I'm not someone who like will wants to live alone wants to sleep alone like at all like I very much get that for mental health reasons the one thing um I don't know if you're in therapy because if you are I would definitely talk to a therapist about this is it's weighing while that is some living with him could alleviate um some mental health concerns that you have like of being like being alone that that's something that would really help you if you guys break up and you're living together what does that do for

your mental health like we you have to think about it on both with both ways that it could go so there are some things that like we do that like could like risk versus reward kind of thing and i think it's acknowledging that um i understand if like this has been like your college apartment for all this time that like you want i think it's like psychologically i think it makes a lot of sense that like when you have a job you want to be in like a new space but i don't know if you ever considered you and this roommate that you have now that you've lived with you and her moving into a new apartment together like leaving this current apartment and like saying goodbye to the college life and starting fresh in this like new place um yeah that was going to be

my suggestion too because I also think that like if you're coordinating you don't even like being your boyfriend's place alone and you don't like being your apartment alone there is a level of like is it kind of just going to be the same like is when your boyfriend not home are you just going to go hang out at your friend's house do what I mean so like that kind of thing um but I yeah I think moving in with someone over like not like necessity but it's in the sense that it's yeah I think that that to me that scares me in the sense that it's relying a lot on circumstances that are kind of out of your control versus a friendship or like having a roommate or something that like there's not there's no there's not like

a romantic uh obligation there so like yeah so that can be a lot more secure like secure and stable and so i think it's just about looking at it from risk and reward and like while i do think that i can totally see why this would really benefit what happened what if it blows up in your face do you what i mean and then you have to move out and like that's a lot emotionally mental health wise to kind of deal with but at the same time if you're like no i'd be okay like that i i'm okay with this potentially not working out that's a conversation all my friends and i have had like before moving in together like with like like boyfriends or whatever um like i was asking my friends like what if it doesn't i was like what happens if it doesn't work out and she goes we

break up and i i fucking we've already talked about it i'm gonna get the apartment he'd move out i was like okay and in this i mean but in this case he owns a house so she's gonna be moving in and moving out regardless um maybe i don't this might seem a little unconventional if you're still worried about like moving in with him what if in his i don't know how big his house is but what if you have like your own room in his house it's like your own bedroom and then like when you guys want and you treat it like you know he's your roommate and then when you guys want to spend time together then you like quote unquote go over to his place and then go to his room that's cute or to or he comes to your room whatever you can switch it up yeah he comes to your place she comes to yeah you

know i was i what i thought you were going to suggest which i think is also not a horrible idea too is like if he's got a house that he presumably lives in alone would he also be open to like what like you guys move it I mean to be fair I don't it would have to be a pretty big house because usually three wouldn't work it would need to be four but like what if your roommate now moved in there like does he have a guest house like in that she do it like in a way that it kind of makes it more like roommates versus like romantic but i will also say i think if it's just about like the space and like wanting a change of space you're there are a lot of other ways to do that versus than just moving in with him like having and even if it's not the roommate

that you've had now like having another roommate moving in together and then like yeah you spend almost every every night there at his place still but then you just are you're banking these hours of this relationship in this time that you've been together that it can be more stable and sturdy like I moved upstairs most I started dating in I don't know what year it was but October and I moved into a new place in uh January and we'd been friends forever he was already spending the night almost every night and all of that kind of stuff and his lease was up on his apartment right around the same time and him and his roommates were moving and like it was a conversation we had not been we'd been together for like i don't know four months or something like that and it was like

okay well i'm already spending all this and i was like nah nah i'm not doing that like let's not move in like and to be fair he fucking moved into this apartment never even unloaded never slept in there once not not once spent a whole year paying rent at a place that he like would go back at but like i'm glad that we did that because by the time we moved in together even though like looking back on it i'm like okay in theory looking back on it if he moved in with me everything would i don't know that though you don't know that because it made me feel more comfortable yeah you still have that other like lifeline that's out there just in case it does it didn't work out it did but just in case because what if it didn't and he then he was on your lease and then he's you guys have

to decide what's gonna happen yeah and I think like in theory it could have felt very romantic and like sweet and fun and like all of that kind of stuff but like I have no regrets looking back on it now at all and neither does he like there was like a nice kind of like it was like a cushion like I didn't give him a key to my apartment until uh that like spring because I was shooting freakish and he would like he would he was spending that every night and so like he would get there before me and so that's when I gave him a key but like all of that kind of stuff like I really took it at the pace of which I was comfortable with and kind of like I was overly cautious about all of it but it made it by the time that we did move in together we were like

really excited and like really ready and we didn't have any sort of nerves or like any sort of like oh what if this doesn't blah blah blah work out because there's a whole there's a very big difference from practically living together to living together. And I think the only thing that really can help is just time. Because I do think once you hit one year, like the first year of your relationship is like training wheels. You're like, you're probably not farting for the first like six months, three months, like you're still getting to that comfort. And then like the next couple of years is when you really are really, really, really getting to know each other, even if you were friends before. And I think it's, I think it's just smarter. And maybe it's

month-to-monthlies you know maybe maybe you don't have like a a full-blown one year that you wait so then it's like oh we've been doing for two years before we move in together but yeah yeah just some thoughts think about it and decide what's best for you yeah and you know it's best for you i don't think there's anything uh i think that the best i would talk to if you have a therapist i would definitely talk to your therapist um about this and if you decide to move in together um i think you need to have a like mental health kind of plan um that involves a friend not him so if like something happens or something goes awry or like you guys get in a fight or something and i don't necessarily know what triggers like your like depression or any of like suicidal ideation or

anything like that but if there's being able to have a support system that exists outside of that house and outside of that relationship and making sure that those people are clued in once you guys move in together because it can be pretty isolating once you move in with a partner that you don't want to have that be like that sole responsibility of not him but like of you guys as a couple but best of luck let us know what you decide to do and um good luck on your all of the finishing school becoming a teacher okay um should we get into our last call sure hi megan melissa and potential guests i'm calling because i i just don't know what to do right now so i'm 22 years old in my last semester of college as it turns out and my mom kicked my

dad out of the house last night because he was stupid enough to give personal information to someone who is for sure catfishing him he sent them naked photos of himself and gave them his banking information which is shared with my mom gave him our home address gave him gave this person on the phone pins to the bank account and everything and we live in a state That is a no-fault divorce state. My mom's disabled, and we can't afford to be without him, but we can't be with him either because he's put us in a really dangerous place. And I know this isn't a lot of details, and it's probably not making a lot of sense,

but I just don't know what to do, and I'm kind of freaking out a bit because I still live at home because I'm in school, and we don't know what we can do. so any advice you have on this i would greatly appreciate it thank you so much bye-bye i mean since all this happened and i'm sure it happened i just want to make sure that you guys like closed all the bank accounts and changed the pins and whatever you need to do to secure whatever's left of the finances but it seemed like all of it got blown and you can't even like file fraud because he gave them access to it

what a fucking horrible dude what's stupid sorry about sorry if you are not i shouldn't be mean to your dad but like i mean he oh my god done a lot of terrible things sending naked pictures like he cheated on her mom and then got swindled i don't know stupid maybe talk fucking i don't know maybe the first thing is just to talk to a warrior and see if you have any type of right i think that might be the thing to do i think you're right i think that is it maybe because i'm not a lawyer at all and so no actual lawyer get on me for giving any legal advice because i'm not i'm giving an opinion maybe because the person lied about who they are if they can say that it's fraud maybe it does reference that there like are other avenues of like legal action that you can take

that are just it's just not in like the divorce specifically so i think that like knowing all of the information get like having a consultation from a lawyer would be i think would be probably really helpful also because if it's a joint i think it also would also it would rely a lot on like technicalities like if it was a joint account and you didn't authorize it and one party did like is there ways to still claim fraud or like mishandlement of money or like you know i mean like certain stuff like that um i would yeah i think talking to a lawyer and then sitting down with your mom and having conversation with her about like what she needs from you and what you can do in like a day-to-day kind of thing because like yeah she's been putting a real both of you

have been put in a really horrible horrible position um and supporting her and with what she wants to do with like you guys obviously making these decisions together but um being able to be there for her uh just on an emotional level too because like sometimes there are things that we can't fix but it can be hard uh when we want to fix them like desperately and I think simultaneously while talking to a lawyer also just you know being there like emotionally for her uh with going through all of this because that's hell yeah this is awful what your dad did is awful and you and your mom have the right to feel the way that you feel and maybe have a conversation with your dad too and be like this is this what you did is deplorable and like tug on the heart

strings and be like we like maybe writing up a contract with a lawyer of uh we're gonna get divorced but he is going to agree to pay x amount of money because he took all the money's gone like so it's whatever he's making in the future and so she has nothing your mom has nothing to fall back on nothing to support her because he was scammed and he allowed himself to be scammed through cheating on your mom like there's two things that happen here yeah oh we're gonna go to a break and then after that we have our update thank you caller for being here and so you your call was in season seven episode two correct and uh you were the person who your mom thinks that you're in love with your sister's husband

and you want him that's you bitch stop stop i hope you know me and cammy crawford had a whole text call she was listening to the episode being like i'm losing my shit over this call and i was like oh i know we did and she's just she was she was very very much not okay with the situation so i'm very excited to let her know after we're done that we get an update oh my god yeah stop okay so so uh share a little bit and uh tell us what happened okay so um well yeah basically it was my um my brother's wife's birthday last year um and i it was far away so it was like an hour and a drive i went with my sister and her husband instead of going with my parents um and these are the evening with them my friends met us there and i don't know apparently i was like

with him talking too much my mom because i think one thing you guys like misunderstood was that um you thought she was making fun of me or like joking but she was full-on like serious and angry because like she was like no this is wrong what you're doing is wrong this crush that you have which I don't have is wrong and like she didn't want you know she didn't I don't know but she didn't want like she didn't believe what I was saying and she was just like oh this is wrong you need to stop like what am I doing um and then I like basically I had a storm that was down like I called my best friend crying and she was like what's happening and I'm like I don't know and it was a mess it was it was a mess and then we never talked about it so yeah you just you never

talked about it no I mean afterwards um is that and I was like intense and she was like I'm gonna tell your sister this is wrong um and I was like um and then afterwards I told my sister that was before covid um i used to go to school i had evening classes just one day and i was like she was pregnant at the time i would go by and she was trying she wanted to tell your sister and your sister's pregnant yeah yeah she was pregnant at the time but we didn't know at the birthday we didn't know we found out a little bit later um and i just i would go to my sister and spend the afternoon there and eventually i told her i was like listen that night because my sister is very um like how do you say she's very like uh like she wants to know everything

and she knew something was wrong so she kept bugging me she's like what happened what happened it's like i told her and she understood she's like okay and then i i really because my fear so all of this is um that they would believe it yeah they would think it's true so i was like because we don't it's not not true at all at all and then I told her that I freaked out because I didn't know what to do and I just had this moment so yeah and then fast forward to now I needed help for my class um I I mean I asked him for help a little bit but he's a pharmacist he was in the process of buying the pharmacy so he was really busy plus the baby was born so he was also very very busy um so I ended up uh there was this one girl who's offering like tutoring for really cheap

so I ended up like coming back I passed the class congratulations oh yeah thank you I have there's it was form one I have form two to go through this semester but I passed it so oh my god okay yeah so that's where I well I'm glad you talked to your you like went to your sister and talk to her and head on about it because I don't know if you're all you have on headphones I know that she's near but your mom's being ridiculous yeah what did your sister what was your sister's reaction like did she because I mean I know that like sometimes when these things happen like we can uh we can cat catastrophize is that the word for it like are you like thinking that like I would have been in the exact same boat like worrying that that's what she was going to believe

that so like was was there any sort of hesitation there or like was she like automatically like yeah no of course you don't have feelings for him like I know that um well she she knew like she knew what it was about like when I told her she was like oh yeah makes sense because how did she know okay well yeah on that night she went and talked to me because on that night she wanted to know what was happening she came one of those moments where I stopped crying for a little bit um she came and she's like what's happening I'm like I can't tell you and she's like I tried asking dad but dad doesn't want to say anything and my dad's an Aquarius by the way so I'm very like I don't want to be involved in this oh I don't know what that

means um so yeah she wanted to know and I was like uh and then he came and he sat because we were sitting at a table and he came and I was like nope and I left started crying for my best friend again so she knew something was up um she was like okay that makes sense um but and she took it well but i don't i i don't know you know like i just we're not we're close but we're not close enough for me to know like if she's really okay or if she's like yeah a little you know i don't and your brother-in-law's like 38 right that's what you said uh like mid-30s mid-30s and i know that you're an adult but people at home arts you look really young yeah people like i look like a 15 year old i am go even 12 um and melissa can say that because melissa also looks always looks

very young but like so like that's the thing that like is so I think is so wild about this like now having a face to the voice of this is that like if he was into you there would be so many more issues at play which we know he's what I mean we know he's not like completely but like even in the fact that like have you having your mom like suggest that or like anything like not only puts you obviously puts you specifically in a horrible situation but like also for like him like not only is this his sister-in-law but like you look very young for your age that like that's essentially like that's sus as fuck like sus as fuck and i cannot believe that your mom was like not yeah because we did assume it was kind of more in like a negging and i guess negging is like

romantic but like in a nagging kind of like pestering like light not light-hearted but like hurting your feelings with a smile kind of way versus like overtly like concerned and like very serious because that's like you know you're wearing headphones and like not to like put things in your head or whatever but like but that's so gaslighting to like because then that makes you question like do i feel this way like someone is so she's not making it a joke so you can't brush it off like a joke she's making it like this very serious thing and then it makes you feel like oh my god this is a very serious thing that I have to address and then it just makes you question like how am I acting am I acting in a way that's like doing this like am I like what am I when

it's not you like that like that's just so like did she have a sister who like was in love with like her ex-husband or something like is there like something how do you get there as a parent i don't honestly i but it's not the first time like it's yeah you mentioned that before yeah yeah yeah it was it was really bad this time because like usually it's a little common like she's like careful or like don't do this and i like i'm always like oh whatever and i rush it off like this time she was like she like put me a sign in the back at a birthday party like of course you cried of course you fucking cried it feels like she's projecting something and i

don't know where it's coming from but it feels like she's projecting something that has happened in her past onto you or even if she did that like if she had feelings for someone like a friend's a partner or something like that that like she got burned and like didn't it didn't work out and so now as opposed to like just telling you a story about that and like teaching you a lesson in that way she's just trying to like impose it impose like her own story onto your life when it's not there like she's just like Melissa she's like fully just projecting yeah I don't I don't know where it like I I really don't know I mean her and my dad have like a pretty big age difference but I don't think I don't know I honestly I don't know but it's not just with him though like

I right now it doesn't happen because if you don't just duck inside yeah yeah yeah so like I mean I I saw my sister a few times but it was wrong guidelines approved um um but it used to happen a lot um and then I don't know if it's because like yeah she thought my brother once um she made a comment like that your brother yeah my brother you having feelings for your brother yeah that's not but it wasn't yeah but like your biological brother well okay so just for reference um my dad had two guys two guys two kids had two boys yeah um and with one lady had my sister with another lady and then i mean

okay so you're half brother but it's still your brother it's not your brother by marriage like it's still your it's still your blood related brother exactly and he's like very old well not very old but i mean like compared i'm not i'm not no no i have a half brother and i am just and he's so much older than you she's yeah he's so much older than me he's like i he's i don't know in his 40s maybe his 50s now like we have more than a 20 year age like you're closer in age to his kids yes his kids are closer in age than to me so like i'm just i'm now oh my god yeah and like i try so me i'm i'm a very um like i'm not a person at all like everybody's like i'm like oh i'm good um and my this brother specifically he's like very touchy and he gives

and hugs all the time and my sister and she was like everybody but I don't know and like we gave a hug and then my mom was like this is happening she was like huh careful and I was like oh my god okay I just rushed it off but does your mom have siblings yes she does she does she have a brother she has two brothers and a sister so I don't know not to put that in your head but like there is something going on here because like this is out like this was outlandish when it was like your bro when we thought she was talking about just your brother-in-law and she was doing it in a joking like being mean to hurting your feelings but like not like a necessarily like concerned kind of thing but like we've got concerned and

we have her making comments about your half brother which i'm assuming if your brother's like older you've not he's been your brother your whole life right like that's he's been yeah like so that's neat he's your brother like he's your brother regardless of like who his uh regardless of who his mom is because like since you've been born and you've existed on this earth like that man has been your brother like do you and your mom have any other like uh like relationship issue like wise like do you guys would you say that this is like obviously this like imposes on every aspect of your relationship like with her but like are there other parts that you guys like struggle with like other different you don't have to be specific but i'm just curious like this is

like the one thing that you guys constantly are going over or if you guys have more of a strained relationship even if it's just on your end and she has no idea no here's the thing not at all where like me and my mom are like so close um very very very close like i'm way closer to my mom than i am to my dad and that's why it hurts more yeah because we're like super close and we talk all the time and we're like i don't know we're always really really close but then whenever there's other family members around or my brothers are there or my sister is there we're at a family gathering it kind of changes and like i don't know i have to be careful with like how i act and whatnot so yeah that's i think that's why that day it affected me so much and then you've

got all that family there that and you've already you're already like on guard as it is huh yikes does she ever do you ever feel like um and this is me therapizing her but you had said that all of your siblings have different moms do you ever feel like she kind of treats this as like you guys are on a team like it's you and her together and like not that it's like then everybody else is involved or whatever but like do you feel like she really it's like she's trying to protect you from being close yeah she's that she's really tethered to you specifically in your relationship with her is different intentionally different she's she's having her controlling her relationship with you in the sense that she doesn't want you to have that closeness with

anyone else in the family because she feels like you are her tether to the family do what i mean um yeah well i know that my sister when my mom's writing my dad and she got pregnant with me my sister and her had a really big falling out and my sister actually went to live with her grandma in venezuela um when she was 14 and then she came back she came back to canada um a couple of years ago but up until then uh she wasn't living with us and I was only talking to her like on the phone but I I think when I was two years old she went to live with her grandma in Venezuela so um like I didn't really grow up with her and then I know that her and my mom right now they're okay but I know that they had a big falling out I'm not sure what it is exactly but so maybe I don't know yeah

it does seem like she's regardless of like how close you are like people who like love us and care about us and they can be like really great people but like project their own issues like onto us and our relationships like it just happens um and it does seem like she is somewhat viewing you as simultaneously like kind of a pawn in like a bigger game orchestrated with this whole family but then also kind of as an extension of herself in a way so i yeah i mean i would i would honestly suggest because you guys are close I think that like having a conversation with her and being like hey mom I like love you so much this theme that has kind of happened through the course of my life makes me feel really uncomfortable and like makes me like it's giving me not to like

I'm not saying like if it was me I'd be like this is giving me anxiety in the sense that like I have like I'm on guard and on high alert when I'm around my family because I'm like second guessing everything i'm doing not because like i'm thinking that i'm doing something is because like i have your voice in my head that like is baseless like all of this is so baseless and i want to get to the bottom of this like can we go talk to like a therapist together to kind of figure this out because like this is so like you are not anyone it would be so above their head in this situation because this is like prime this is like what therapists exist for because like what she's doing is not logical and it 100 stems from whether it's her own life or her own or her own it's just

on her and so there's nothing that you can really nothing that anyone can really do besides like a professional to kind of like unpack that because who knows if she's even really aware why she's doing it or anything like that that like sometimes we try and protect people from doing things that we've done so much because we haven't processed the stuff that we've done so like whether like regard like if she's had something similar with a friend or a family member or even if it was along the lines of like this is like unresolved issues that she had when her and your dad got together and like whether like if if there was some infidelity with his like previous like partner your sister's mom or like if there was anything like that where she becomes like on high alert

for like the quote-unquote other woman because like maybe she was that or maybe like there was another person who tried to infiltrate her relationship and like it could honestly all of it could literally predate your you your dad and this whole family it could be something from so much like farther back and all of that so I think that that's something that's going to be like so crucial in this because like this is this is so not fair to you and like there is you can't just like internalize this and just kind of go on because the issue of it is like like you've said before this was the time that it got like the most serious I'm pulling you aside at a party it's concerning like it's no longer those little comments like it's escalating regardless of the

fact that you've been adjusting your behavior to prepare for how she's going to react and all that shows is that it's not at the same speed like how she's increasing all of like this whether it's like paranoia or her response to it you you haven't been able to catch up to like get ahead of those things because you're not it and you shouldn't be expected to like that's something that she needs to figure the fuck out and i think going to therapy together would be crucial because it's directly affecting your life and i think a therapist would be able to help so much because this is like not i say this with love this is like so not normal yeah and you shouldn't feel obligated to normalize it either regardless of how much you love your mom like it

doesn't have anything to do with like how great of a person she is or anything like that like it's just she's repeatedly shown that she's doing something that makes you really uncomfortable and there it's it's like a visceral innate reaction that she has that like needs to be that needs to be dealt with before she can stop doing it my mind is blown yeah i mean she would love that idea there's like my mom loves therapy she's like yeah so does she go to therapy uh she used to okay yeah bring it up yeah she went to therapy with my dad and my sister she talked to me about that once um well i think so because she's in good terms with my sister now

literally i like i don't know exactly what happened um i know that like there wasn't anyone else involved because my sister's mom passed away before my dad and my mom but um uh yeah okay yeah so because the reason why i didn't really want to because i don't want to just randomly bring this up because it hasn't happened in so long yeah I haven't seen anybody else but it's still something yeah but it's still something that that you you're still dealing with though yeah and you're recognizing that the reason why it hasn't happened in so long is only because you haven't seen people it's not that she's changed her behavior and that can be hard I've been there where it's like you don't want to bring something up because you're like oh but things are

really good right now and like this isn't happening and like I don't want to like have this start happening again but it will inevitably happen again and like getting ahead of it and I honestly think addressing those these issues especially when it comes to therapy when it's not actively happening is the best way to do it because it's how you get the most progress done and the most shit done like when you're so upset and like angry and anything like we have to guard our own feelings and our emotions like the same way like when you're crying in the bathroom like you're like I can't talk about like I'm gonna call my best friend who's not here but like I can't have a conversation with anybody who's here about this which is like a completely normal reaction and

so if you guys can be like stepping away from the situation with clarity looking back on this and talking about it like I think that it will be so much more productive and I think it's great if your mom like loves therapy I think like you said like you think she'll she'll be like very okay with this I don't think she's consciously doing I don't think she recognizes what she's doing why she's doing it and how it's affecting you and that's something that like she can change like that behavior can completely change and i think knowing more information would be helpful because about like this like learning all of this kind of stuff because sometimes parents try there's like a fine line parents really try and protect us and they don't tell us anything or parents overshare

and tell us way too much and like that's not as a kid you shouldn't be like carrying the weight of that but there is an in between where when something is affecting you you have every single right to know why and how it's come about and like the origin of it so then you don't internalize it and put it on you and put the blame on you not that you are or that you should at all but like that's what that information does like that information goes oh okay this is something that's completely unrelated to me and isn't anything that i'm doing so me going above and beyond to try and like overcompensate and prepare for her reaction i there's nothing i can fucking do like that's a liberating fucking feeling when you get to that point and i think i mean i'm gonna

want an update after you guys go to therapy because i am or even after you have the conversation with her about going to therapy i know but i this is this is on me though i run away from confrontations like it's the fucking place like i talk i like i turn around the pot i can't like address something even not even if i'm like okay let's talk i'm gonna be like well you know um and then i start laughing i'm like no i'm never mind would you write her an email or like a letter or text like could you put it in writing and like i want to overcompensate for that kind of stuff where it's like i feel really awkward asking about this because this hasn't come up in so long and you know that i hate confrontation so like i just would love if we could go to therapy to like

discuss this and um if you just like will you just reply yes if you want to and then let's not talk about it until we go to therapy damien like you can a lot for that you don't have to like have this like you can be unconfrontational in a confrontation yeah i don't think there's anything wrong with that and like and letting her know that like hey i don't feel necessarily comfortable talking about this until we go to therapy like let's just keep it on this email and then we'll talk about it once we get there and i think she'll respect that because i mean she's if she she's been in therapy before and if she's been in therapy especially if you've been therapy with your brother i mean your uh your dad and your sister sister a huge part of therapy is

like uh a lot of therapists our couple therapists has always suggested like table things that you want to talk about that's like couple related till you're in therapy like this is the place to do it you don't have to have these extra like on your own sessions like talking before and after like you can table it until then so i think she probably i would assume a therapist has already gone over that kind of stuff with her so she'd be pretty used to that of like saving those conversations to be moderated by a therapist wow this took so many turns it did but thank you for sharing yeah of course i haven't stayed here but um at least i can share it okay everybody thank you so much for listening watching joining us here as we have changed i'm sure the hearts and

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had it on my 20 well i had it on my 2020 i thought it was gonna happen during the election yeah and i i thought it was gonna happen like november maybe december but like i did but i was naive if we were paying more attention than we would have known because they talked about it everywhere well it does make sense now because you know all of those fucking comments on my instagram that was like you'll you'll see on you'll see on december um six january just wait till no january 6th just wait until then and everybody's like counting down the days and i'm like okay i'll loop back then and now i'm like holy shit looping back fuck you holy fuck fuck you i'm gonna start venmo requesting them all again did you ever get any money no but i did

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