Don't Blame Me! - S8E10: Funeral or Birthday Party

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: slept with lawyer's ex-husband When to lose your virginity How to ask your husband to get a vasectomy Dealing with parental lying Don't Blame Them:    Call Transcriptions Buy Our Merch!   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. It's not up. You got to turn it up. It's not a good one. What do you want? Let me try another. ah touch it it'll stop uh yeah it was not really the vibe i was looking for maybe i'll find the clock i think it's the first

it's a new song hell yeah okay well that did not hit the way i thought it was i was trying to find the applause one or the sparkly but you know it's fine we we're here and it is what it is welcome back to don't blame me we are an advice podcast and like that would suggest we give advice here life-changing wonderful amazing advice and we are certified cunts seven days a week wet ass pussy make the game week i love that line i do too i just oh so good so good um i am megan and i'm joined by my co-host melissa hello i just realized my toes are showing and i don't like other people seeing my feet hold on i undersold you you're not just the co-host you're also the producer and the reason why anything happens sorry i had to get

my insecurities out the way do you weird feet or you just don't like you know i don't i know you don't like that but like do you i don't remember if you have weird looking feet they've been out this whole time for you but they were down lower um they look like sausages oh yeah yeah what do we call them little vienna sausages i can pick things up with my feet i know and i've heard that's actually a pretty good market for like foot fetish things but again i do think someone didn't yeah that it would fall into that because i have right now someone did make a great point though that they were like make that fucking money like make it yeah i was like maybe i should because i mean like

the thing is is that if someone is into that then this is their healthy way of getting it out you know yeah and i also think that i'm like in my mind i'm like well what if some like yeah it's not my responsibility to like i'm not like one of those people who like that is like a really like thing that is like not like some people will like use those like um deep fake and um ai kind of like filters and stuff to like make them look like children and i'm like no that's not okay i know that woman that was on um there's one woman that people talk about all the time on tiktok yeah that's what i heard about there's that other woman that was like a like the most popular like chinese gamer and her it glitched one day oh i think she's like a 50 year old woman

and then she lost everything i'm sure she still had like a bank a fat bank account but she lost like all her followers and everything that's fucked yeah in some ways yes it's fucked was it sexual i it's like the thing where like she was the hot woman the hot like gamer that like people would watch but also it's like she also lied to people so i think people felt betrayed i mean like there's i'm sure they get there's yeah i'm like i'm kind of in the the camp of like you want to fucking profit off of like misogyny beauty centers fucking go for it but like you just can't do it if you're like if it's falling into like pedophilia like like making your face look like a child yeah hers was like maybe 18 oh yeah no then that's that's that's a hard pass

from me yeah that has nothing to do with our podcast at all um we give advice and hey maybe maybe you need advice about that who knows if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you got to keep it under three minutes let us know your pronouns and we ask that you write everything down practice time it out to make sure it's under three minutes see that you're not leaving out any important information we do not need to know if you are an aries but we do need to know how old you are and all of the relevant and important details of the calm 18 or over have your parents permission i'm not sure if i already said that

anything else that i'd say in this little part no i think you're good okay well what's new with you you said there the last time you said there's something you're saying for the other episode that wasn't english but do you get what i'm saying yep okay so you know how we like make like uh think that the people that leave that leave negative comments on the podcast app are people that got triggered from another call oh the negative reviews okay yeah well here we go oh my god hi how do i miss all these messages because you don't look i guess i do hi i don't know if you'll ever see this but i just have to put it out there i used to listen to your podcast all the time and i was dating someone for five years you two always said to

break up with your man whenever there was hesitation about not growing i remember you played an audio of a girl screaming that she broke up with her long-term boyfriend and she was literally yelling about how happy she was i love that one i stopped listening because i hated it the reality of it your advice helped me break up with him after five years I now live in London and I am living my best single life so break up with your man ladies again thanks so much now I'm the girl screaming in the phone you two are so wise oh that makes me so happy I'm so happy for them so like she got triggered by a call yeah so we have an update um from a caller who has called us before i think you'll be excited about this one i won't lie i was a little

nervous see i she sent a outline before of what everything that happened so i'd already read it so i wasn't nervous i was also just nervous that she might be like mad at us yeah that's why i read it usually i don't read them but i thought she might be mad at us so that's why i read it she wasn't thank god or she lied to us that she wasn't i don't think she was i don't think so okay roll the tapes okay um I was the caller who uh slept with my lawyer's ex-husband um so I guess the update was um I haven't spoken to him since he's reached out like a couple times um and the first time I just said I was busy and then the second time um I just didn't respond and yeah I don't nothing really has come of it so far um my parents know that I my license was

suspended and I have no idea how they found out so I don't know if that has anything to do with it but that's all that's happened so far oh so you think that maybe he like someone did end up telling your parents yeah I imagine that would have been my lawyer but um yeah I have no idea how he found out no it does seem against the law have you talked is it like has things been weird between you and her since i haven't spoken to her um it was her assistant that called me and told me the case was dismissed um so i haven't even like i haven't ran into her or anything damn plot thickens now I wonder if she does know yeah you know I think so I hope not um I feel like I don't know if my parents knew that like I'd be locked away somewhere I think how old are you

I'm 24 okay well because I'm trying to think if there would be a way are you still on your parents insurance I am under my mom's and that's why I'm kind of confused that they didn't know before because yeah like now everything is wiped off with my record um but like this time last year it would have been there so um yeah oh and the DOS um I got it because I had a seatbelt ticket um it wasn't from like a DUI or anything okay so that's how it all like started wait so a seatbelt you got a seatbelt ticket I'm just curious like how does it like you got a seatbelt ticket and then because i've only ever heard of like suspended licenses for like drinking so like do you get like a ticket and then like if you don't pay it you like get suspended yeah i don't get it yeah um

i thought it only came from drinking too so that's kind of why i didn't know my license was suspended um what happened was i've actually had a story like this i actually have a story like this but keep going okay damn um january last year i got pulled over for not wearing my seat belt and the way the officer like worded it he made it sound like it was like a warning so i didn't pay anything until i got something in the mail that said my ticket was late so then i went online and i paid it still didn't know but that by like it being late it suspended my license and so i was also supposed to call and reinstate it so i have purchased and registered a new vehicle since then i have had a background check for a new job i've changed my address um like on the dmv website

when I moved into this place and it never came up until like I got pulled over back in May oh my god that gives me so much anxiety like I can't even imagine also I would like to apologize for I I basically I don't know if I said it like my thought process in the call I was like there's such a slim chance that it was like a fluke of the system but you were a fluke of the system I apologize for thinking you weren't a fluke of the system I also apologize because when I turned 22 so I had no actually it would have been my 23rd birthday so I got pulled over for speeding going to work. I was going like 90 and a 70. Um, and I mailed in the money for my ticket and they lost it. And I never knew that they lost it. And so that never got there. So then

for my 22nd birthday, I was going to renew my license. Cause I was when he expired and they were like, your license is suspended. You can't. So I'd been driving a whole year with on a suspended license and i didn't even know it and so um i had to go to the courthouse pay like 600 or something and then go get my license renewed but it was all happening on my birthday dude fuck that yeah wow that like sucks yeah luckily my uh reinstatement fee was only like 50 like had i known it was suspended i would have fixed it immediately so it just kind of sucked yeah yeah you know i i i how do you feel about like the the hooking up with him now like now that the dust has settled even even more than just like the 24 hours later realization you're like

shit um i'm still like every time i think of it i'm still stressed like i like i just feel so i'm not it's not my mo to be very like messy like the whole phase and everything is very fun but i'm usually like not causing problems so that was kind of a it's just i don't know how people can like cheat and like do like just i mean it just feels awful so it sucks but like i mean it happened and i like i think the worst part is i can't really change anything that i did i just have to kind of like deal with whatever comes my way well i mean i also think that like like everyone is going to like do some shit that we're like embarrassed by or that we like don't if we could like do over again we would we would we would change it or anything like that but like

the only thing we can do afterwards is be like i don't know it's kind of like touching something that's hot being like oh that is hotter than i thought it was damn i shouldn't have done that well i'm not gonna do that the next time and like we all have to like learn we all learn those kinds of like lessons and ways like i i have done some like stupid messy kind of shit and like you know the older you get or just as time goes on you're like oh i wish i wish i didn't do that but to be bear at certain points it's like well maybe if i didn't do that i would have done something else and like i can like learn how to you know not do this kind of thing again and it will hopefully most likely prevent um from more mess and we all we all have we all have messy moments right it

happens to the best of us well thank you for giving us the update i i would like to again apologize for assuming that you had like gotten a dui or anything like that that was just my ignorance of like the law and like understanding how it works um i don't blame you i like i didn't mean to like brush over the detail of it it was more like i was explaining the connection to like the whole situation but i would have assumed i assumed the same thing like when she told me my license was suspended i was like how did i get it i don't remember yeah exactly well thank you so much for giving the update and everything and i am forgive yourself like really forgive yourself in this situation because i don't even think it's necessarily like something you

i mean i guess forgiving yourself is the right word but just like it was a lesson learned that happened to have like a penis attached to it you know yeah got a lot of those yeah sometimes that just like it happened we've all we've all learned a lesson with a penis attached yeah cool well thank you so much yes thank you have a good one bye you too bye and we are back we didn't go anywhere well we're wearing different clothes oh we are did you change yeah i had on another black shirt yeah i was like sleeves and how the collar was buttoned up big changes over here in this household um great i i'm happy happy to uh to uh hear that also that

got dropped and she doesn't have to the case got dismissed and all that yeah and i'm also happy that we were wrong me too you know and i'm mad at myself for not thinking about my own instance when that happened to me that's so funny well sometimes those things just like bury and like It was terrible. It was like my worst birthday. And my friends had thrown me a surprise party, but I never came because I was dealing with all that stuff. And I was like,

why didn't y'all tell my sisters? Because then they wouldn't know. That would make sense to tell, like, you had a surprise party, but didn't invite my sisters. Yeah, it's a pretty fucked up surprise party. Which is a good thing, you didn't go fuck them people.

Well, first call. Hi, my name is I'm 18, and I go by she, her pronouns. And really, I'm just looking for general advice. So for context, as is the case with many girls my age, you know, I've had pressures before. I've had many guys who like me back, et cetera, but not much came from it, mainly because, you know, throughout high school, I've been super busy. and also because I'm a little nervous at the thought of hanging out with a guy alone, which is a whole other thing if you guys had advice for it would be great,

but not the main reason I'm calling. So as I said before, I've never really done anything before with a guy, never even had my first kiss or held hands. So definitely objectively like super inexperienced and innocent, I would say. But I recently turned 18 a few months ago. And because of, you know, boredom caused by the pandemic, I decided to download Tinder because, you know, why not? And I think the main thing I got from it is, one, there are a lot of hot guys around me. And two, it's pretty easy as a girl, from my experience, to find a guy who's willing to hook up, right?

And, like, obviously, I'm 18. I've thought about losing my virginity and having my first kiss and everything before. But I just don't know when the right time is, you know? like i'm not super obsessed with the concept of the virginity and that i don't think it will fundamentally change who i am but my philosophy is that since it's the first time i'm doing something it should be under good circumstances and overall enjoyable because i'll probably remember it forever and don't want it to be a bad memory um but like i've met people on tinder that i feel like i'd be happy going out with and you know seeing where things go but since you guys

have a lot more life and relationship experience than me. I was just wondering whether you guys think, you know, with everything you guys know now at your age, whether you think I'll regret having my first kids or, like, losing my virginity to some Tinder guy I might never see again versus a boyfriend. But really, I guess, in summary, I would just love any advice on how to know when the right time is

for not only, like, losing my virginity, but also, like, first kiss and other milestones. thank you guys i just thought about the fact like the girl one of these girls that i cheered with she like had a kid when we were in high school and that kid right now is 18 years old so i could be old enough to be the color small wow i i would not be old enough no no no i do feel old i agree with you that you know tinder is easy to find you can hook up with you it's pretty easy to find somebody to hook up with on tinder um i just why do you want to lose your virginity just to do it just to get it over with um i think that also you don't you will not remember like yeah barely

remember i i as someone who i was saying this while the call was playing to melissa like i had sex for the first time lost my virginity to like my high school boyfriend who i was like deeply in love with and the most i remember about the situation was that sydney almost walked in on us like i have more of a memory of me and sydney laughing about it afterwards than like him sticking his dick in the first time like i hardly remember it i have to think like really think about it to even remember yeah so um i think people put a lot of like emphasis on virginity and what it is and i mean you even said you were innocent like what it stands for and i think that you shouldn't first of all you're you're you're scared to even be alone with a boy so i don't

even think virginity like quote unquote losing your virginity yeah sexy time is that's like further down the road like you're not even comfortable being alone so don't think about having sex for the first time just think about talking to a guy if that's what you want yeah i mean i think that like i think there's no quote-unquote right way to do this i think it like changes for every single person um i would the only universal thing that i would say is like separate your first kiss from the first time you have sex because like i i don't think those should be the same time what about those people that are like on those shows where they've never done anything with their partner and they kiss for the first time during the wedding ceremony i mean i

personally as someone who's attending the wedding i would not like to see that it's always so much tongue so much tongue that that's just outside of the bowels i don't i the fact when i can see two people's tongue disgusting but um yeah separating the first kiss from the first time you have sex and then the thing i would say is like i've had a conversation with friends um you know since high school like about this subject specifically and you have to figure out what you what the end goal and what you want is because i think like yes like you it should be like a comfortable safe situation the first time but what do you picture what what for you afterwards are you going to need because I have friends who like did the whole like I want to get

it over with and I have friends who are like no I want to wait until I or like wanted to wait until they were in a relationship and then there are people who like think they kind of fallen in between those things but most of the time you do fall into either one of those you just have to be really honest with yourself. So like, my friends who were like, I just want to get it over with it was, they would hook up, they like found a guy at a party that they were at, like college weekend, some guy, they like, didn't know their name, like was never going to talk to them ever again, and just like wanted to be done and came back or like over a summer at like camp with someone. But it was like, I just want to get it done. And like, I'm great. Perfect. Awesome. So

there's no expectations for like, are they going to call me afterwards? Like, or whatever, like that was like, they didn't want that. Like, you have to think of what you want after it happens. and I think if you want, oh, I want that person, like, I don't want to, like, never speak to them again, like, I don't want it to be, like, this complete, like, after we do that, we never talk ever again, then you have to talk with yourself a little bit longer, and it's like, okay, well, do I want to date that person afterwards, or would I be okay then just becoming friends with them afterwards, and, like, whatever, blah, blah, blah, all of that kind of stuff, and I think that that's that's kind of where the choice is is like you have to unpack more of what you want

and I take away like not thinking about like the actual act of it all because regardless of who you have sex with it's first time okay pretty pretty much the same across the same across the board but it's what do you want after the fact how do you want this relationship with this person to be afterwards and if there is and if you don't want to never see them ever again then my advice is wait until you're in a relationship yeah but also unless you're gonna just like have sex in the front of people she's not even comfortable being alone with the guy well no so yeah i think like for that advice i think maybe it doesn't necessarily have to be the guy that you're going to have sex with but like maybe go on some group dates with some guys like with your friend you

guys double date or something and hang out and become comfortable that way and then do some one-on-one hanging out and it just and also being in the pandemic like social skills are off as they are anyway so yeah my biggest piece of advice for people who have not who like who are dating who have like not had sex yet who aren't um waiting till they're married to have sex and aren't like looking for other people who are also waiting till they're married to have sex but just happen to have not had sex yet and are looking to do that um in a relationship is being upfront and honest it will not i don't want to say the term scare off but like the only people it will rule out and turn away are the people who were going to have sex with you and then never call you again

that's it like there I have plenty of friends of all genders who've had who have been other people's first times and were like it wasn't like a oh I'm not gonna do that the only time it's I'm not gonna do that it's because I know I'm not I'm not gonna call that person back like I know I'm not so it does rule itself out in a way with that um but i think yeah i also think that like this is so you there's so many like like the like you said holding hands kissing all those things you have all of those like firsts to come and like melissa said if you're not even comfortable being alone on a date with someone I don't think that you are the person who's trying to just get it over with so I think that like meeting someone getting to be comfortable with them and then any of the

intimacy stuff that happens on its own schedule and at its own pace like with that person but there needs to it needs I think for you you need to be with someone who you feel comfortable with with your clothes on before you're comfortable naked with them inside you hi megan and melissa i just want to start off by saying i love your show and i listen to it every single week. I'm 26. My husband, oh my gosh, I'm 23. My husband's 26. And we have a two and a half year old son and another one on the way. My question is, how do I go about asking my husband for him to get a vasectomy when he's really scared of needles and shots to begin with and asking him to go through a major surgery is a like a huge ask so i just want to know your

thoughts on that and if there's any other opinions or advice you could give that would be great thank you bye just to clarify i think if you haven't like this is a very weird specific one to watch i would watch this before but like retin link of good mythical morning did a video of them getting vasectomies it is not only hilarious and super enjoyable but it shows vasectomies are categorically from also from google um a minor procedure not a major procedure they're done like in a doctor's office or one of those outpatient things like 30 minutes you're awake when it happens like it's real real real fast and i think the question is for your husband would you rather have a vasectomy or what is scarier a vasectomy or having a million children

what if he wants more kids then he should find a way to carry them and to feed them and he can keep them in his side of the home like no he can have the he can have another vice that he has those like like no i'm kidding but yeah i just think that like no offense to him like i get it shot you're afraid you you really can't handle shots and needles but i do it but like the i think the the main thing is that they haven't even have this conversation about does he want to get a vasectomy though because you can't force anybody get a procedure that they don't want so i think it's like going about like even bringing

it up in conversation minus needles and everything okay then i would say hey babe um i've decided that i'm done having kids after this baby i would um i i would really appreciate and i think we should go talk to your doctor about you getting a vasectomy yep and then i don't want that i'm so afraid of needles okay um i'm going to be closed for business then and we are never having sex all right i'm out you're gonna get a vasectomy no i'm out you're out of this marriage okay fuck you brad no okay let's talk to the doctor let's have a conversation with the doctor great perfect i think the key words here are you are done having kids i don't think this is a hi babe how are you feeling like no he's not the one carrying these

children like if you are done having kids like if you are done being pregnant or at least having kids with him yeah if you are done being pregnant you are done and that's not a conversation that needs to be like approved with your part it doesn't even be approved with anybody doesn't improve with your fucking partner doesn't even be approved with your doctor like if you are done having fucking kids, if you are done being pregnant, you are done. You are done. You are done. And it's not up for debate. So, um, I think my strategy would be like, I wouldn't even mention the fucking needles. I wouldn't mention any of that because this is so fucked up. And this is what would have been my response in this situation. If he brought up, like, I'm really afraid of

needles i would just like look him dead in the eyes go i shoved a watermelon out of my pussy ripped it to my asshole had to clean it with a spray bottle my tits are to my waistline i haven't slept in months and my shoe my feet don't fit into any of my fucking shoes i have back pain and my child and our child like fractured my pelvis yeah i just i agree but i just like just want to emphasize it's still his choice it's totally 100 his choice but i just think that like i would hope that he would in his response to it would be like either a i totally understand her and what she's saying i've got this needle thing i'm gonna have to i'm gonna i'll take i'll do some meditation stuff i'm not gonna put that on her and make her feel like this is something

like to feel guilty for anything. Like if anything, like she, her bot, she's put her body through so much and like, I can work through this and do all of that kind of stuff. But I think if you bring it up, it's kind of one of those things that's like, I think they, I, yeah, I think the first question, I mean, conversation needs to be about, do we want to have more kids or not? Like if they haven't had that baseline conversation, then yeah, that's where it needs to start but i think if she doesn't want to have more kids if she does i know but it's telling him like i don't want to have more kids like you need to get a vasectomy that is maybe it's i don't want to have more kids let's like uh i'm gonna talk as soon as i'm done with

as soon as we're done with this pregnancy i'm let's let's go to our doctor and talk about birth control like let's talk about our options and keeping it open in that because i also think that like if you don't want to be on birth control you don't want to have a hysterectomy which is a made that's a major surgery yeah but like a lot of times if you're done having kids they'll just do it while you're already open like when you have the baby i think you only have i can only do in the c-section yeah that's what i'm telling you oh oh yeah but not if you're having delivering back no no no um but yeah i think that like then you pose all of the options but i think if you don't want to take

birth control or hormonal kind of stuff and y'all don't want to use condoms well i was gonna say then then the next thing is condoms and so like there is like a given take on both sides of this and if he's not comfortable getting a vasectomy then you both need to be okay with condoms and then at the same time like then understanding that there is like a risk that i think it's still i mean i mean it's almost the same as it would be with the vasectomy yeah but it's there's less user it's a user error versus like um statistic like yeah sort of thing it is gross but yeah i i would hope that your husband um wouldn't like guilt trip you about this but i think the thing is like yeah that's the other only other like option it's either like okay

if you don't want to get a vasectomy then we're gonna use condoms and that needs to be okay with like all of the parties yeah because if you don't want to have more kids and i mean like there's a compromise in here hi megan and melissa i love your show so much um but i have something that's been stressing me out and i would love to hear an outsider's perspective and get your advice for background i'm a 20 year old leo i identify with she her and my best friend is also a 20 year old virgo who identifies as she her as well my boyfriend is a 26-year-old Gemini who identifies as he, him. My boyfriend's best friend's mother, she passed away about a year ago.

They were really close, and he's been saying that they were going to have a funeral for her for months now. His family's really unorganized, and he doesn't have any other parents or siblings to help him out, so it's just him and an uncle trying to plan a whole funeral. He is my boyfriend's best friend, but we've gotten really close over the years, And we would consider each other, like, really close friends, if not best friends as well. But my boyfriend, sorry, well, my best friend, she is turning 21 in September. And we've been super pumped for this for years now. And it's already all planned out.

And it's, like, months away. So I've had it on my calendar for a while. Her party is going to be spending, like, five days on a houseboat. And I'm really excited. Flash forward to today, my boyfriend's best friend's mom's funeral has been scheduled during the same time that my best friend's birthday is. Since it's on a houseboat, there's really no option to, like, go to both. I told my boyfriend I was already planning to go to my friend's 21st that week, and I can't go to the funeral, and he's really upset with me that I would choose to go to a party over our close friend's funeral. And he's just upset that I won't be there for our friend.

I wanted to see if there was an obvious answer. It's really important to me to be in both places, but I would almost, I don't know, rather go to my friend's 21st birthday, but I see why he's really upset. He's telling me that I knew that this was coming and I shouldn't have made plans, but even so, is a 21st birthday a valid reason to, sorry, is a 21st birthday a valid reason to miss a close friend's mom's funeral? I would love to hear your thoughts and advice. thank you so much bye-bye are we gonna have different thoughts we might i think we i think

based on your gestures we are you should go first because one's gonna be mean since then shouldn't you go first sure that's what i mean here's my thing they've had months to plan this funeral i don't care how unorganized you are like i've unfortunately been to several funerals in my lifetime and a funeral should only take like days to plan i understand we were in a pandemic but like he's he tells you that like you should have known that the funeral was coming you didn't know when they were going to plan this like your best friend's birthday has doesn't change um i agree with you on that point okay yeah it like it doesn't change but like i i would go to the party because

again they've had months to plan and then i don't understand why it took that long i think it took so because it's he's 20 so depending on like when it happened he's either like 19 or 20 planning it and no other uncle was helping that's it though no other fan i've like but i guess it depends on like that's if him and his uncle are planning it or like he's planning it the only other living relative he has is his uncle so like maybe his uncle is helping but we're unsure but if you're doing a funeral like you go to a funeral home they plan everything yeah you just have to show up yeah i mean i i can imagine it being pretty hard as like a young person who was probably in school at the time too that like i don't know maybe it

was like maybe there was like a long time period of like something with i don't know how the person passed away but like with remains and body and that kind of stuff could be like difficult in that sense i i agree in that like to assume that like you're not going to make any plans ever until this thing happens without kind of like a spitball of like i think it will do it in like september um then i think it's like okay i have a thing this weekend but like and whatever but like i think that yeah to assume that like you're not going to make any plans until it happens i think that is preposterous and like not going to happen i feel like but also like on top of that if it's taking that long to plan and you're as close as you say you are then like

why didn't they run dates past everyone i would rather go to the birthday party i totally see that and i totally agree with that um but i think who is going to miss your absence more and who is going to like be more affected by your presence there and who really like needs you more in the situation because the way you've described it is like you basically said they're both these two people are your best friends like you said he is we've gotten incredibly close i would even consider him like a best friend i think you have to kind of ask yourself if the roles were switched if it was your other best friend like is it the fact that like you don't you would just rather go do something more fun and like a party aspect of it or is it like yeah i don't know i i would i think

it sucks and i know that it's a houseboat but i do think that like houseboats are usually docked somewhere and they're not like riding around the entire time yeah but they might not be close to the coast you know like yeah and to take a couple hours yeah but i mean take your boyfriend out of the picture how do you feel telling your friend i'm sorry i'm not going to be able to come to your mom's funeral and then you're posting on instagram of being like on a house boat for like a 21st birthday like take your boyfriend's opinion out of it and all of that and like make it be like you and your friend and you have to tell him and like not like tell your boyfriend to tell him and then make whatever choice feels right to you see for me it's like he's already had all this time

to mourn this is just like the final goodbye and it's like if he really wanted me there then you should have asked the date well i think that's why they need to have a conversation it can't be through your boyfriend if i if i had like waited months after let's say my mom died and i wouldn't and i wouldn't expect people to put their lives on hold if she already had this planned and she's had it planned for a while then i would be like i understand yeah but i think that's like i also think there's a high chance that like again because it has been so far in advance and like he didn't clear the dates with anyone that like it's an automatic assumption not everyone's going to be able to come especially if like you want someone to come you would have

cleared the dates with that person but i think that's why you have to have talked to him and not your boyfriend because it might just be and be like you can say like hey um whatever your boyfriend's name told me that the funeral is planned for this weekend um i don't know if he told you that's like the one weekend i have uh another thing that i'm like a one of my friends like they were going away for a weekend and I obviously like really really want to be at your mom's funeral and if you really need me there I can cancel that but I just want to like check in with you and like see see see where you're at like if like because I think like does it suck that you're basically saying like if you need me there I'll be there but like I think that

i think there's a high likelihood that like he's assuming not everyone's going to be able to come i think that like for me the only way i would be able to go to like the party over the funeral is if i had a conversation with them they're like oh my god you're fine like do not worry i'm not saying don't go without a conversation i think but i think that like that's and you can you can read it in the situation yourself that like i think if there's any sort of hesitancy or anything like that i don't think there's any way you're gonna feel morally okay going but you have to have that conversation because right now it's being like told to you through your boyfriend and like it's just not it doesn't have the same kind of like you can't read the situation the

same way or anything like that because i think your boyfriend also might be projecting like what he would want in that situation but yeah you have to have you have to have that conversation i would send if you don't go i would send flowers for the funeral yeah and i would send a sweet nice long message to your friend and be like if you want to call me later tonight i'm around like i'm available and i wouldn't post things of you being on the houseboat because even if he's like totally cool with it and it's fine um it is pretty hard when you're having like a really you know when you have like those really big grief moments in your life and then you see everybody else acting normal which is valid and fair but it no matter any pre-existing

conversation you have with them like it can feel pretty shitty hi megan i'm 24 i started been doing your podcast a little while ago, and I've decided that I needed to call in. In 2018, in March, I ran into my dad at the Walmart, and I saw him buying condoms, and I thought that was odd, since I knew he had a dissection, and I knew that he was with my mom, and they were happy, so why would he be buying condoms? Fast forward another year, turns out I found out that he had been cheating on my mom with some woman in Brazil. He traveled a lot for work and had met her on travel.

I confronted my dad. He said that they were in an open relationship and everything was fine. And I was like, all right, cool. Never said anything to my mom. Fast forward another year, pandemic hit, March of 2020, and I was living at home again and I was able to see everything a little too closely. And I noticed that my dad was spending a lot of time away from the family, not really wanting to do things with the family. And I then went on his phone again and confirmed again that he was still speaking to this woman. In August of 2020, he went on a month-long trip to Spain and Italy and another place.

And when he came back, he said that he was going to book a flight to Brazil for a kiting vacation. And he actually did book a flight and he was actually going to leave barely a week after coming home and, you know, not spending time with his family. and that's when I confronted to my mom about the other woman and she was not at all happy about it and so they started fighting and trying to work things out and my relationship with every wedding got kind of shoved under the back burner and I'm to a point where I feel as though my feelings are just not validated or invalid because they are trying to move on and they're trying to move forward and I just was left on the back burner essentially I never got to talk to my dad really about how I truly felt I never really explained or expressed to my mom about how I really felt

and when I tried to she would just kind of devaluate like or devalue how I was feeling and I just wasn't feeling heard or listened to or like the upset and hurt that I was feeling was in line with how they were feeling like it wasn't generally happening to me like I wasn't the one being cheated on so I shouldn't be as upset even though my father lied to me twice multiple times actually more than twice about this other woman and I feel hurt I feel lost and at this point I want to just cut my parents completely out of my life and I know that's not the best thing to do um so i could use some advice thanks holy tits this is a lot i can't even imagine running into like running into your dad buying condoms gross

disgusting my dad's like both of our well your dad's older but we have old dads so i i wouldn't even ask no just like okay and pretend i wouldn't see him like it's like a teacher you see like out of school and it's like most places where you get condoms too there somebody has to come open the glass thing stop i would be so i can't i can't this is why i used to buy like pregnancy tests and all that shit in high school like at the fucking molly stones all the way far the fuck away so i wouldn't see anyone i knew um okay this sucks for like a multitude of reasons um i'm gonna give her a pass for not saying my name because she said she's binging episodes and she might not have caught up to me being on the show oh yes if you watch the video version you

saw our reactions the gall this is hard because you are not um a lot of parents think of like when their kid grows up some parents are that is still like my child that is literal kid i will baby that person for the rest of my life and then there are also some ones where it's like you are an adult like this is not your kind of business and that's kind of what it seems like with your what your parents are doing is that you are not really being treated as a child from a traumatic home like do i mean like in that kind of sense but at the same time that kind of like compassion and understanding should be there and like you shouldn't be fighting in front of your kids regardless of how old they are like you shouldn't be like having all of this

kind of shit like blow up in your face and all that stuff and if they want to move past it that is their prerogative and if they don't want to hear you out you can't force them to but you can cut them out and like if they can't meet your needs and desires and communicate with you and make you feel like heard and validated and all of that kind of stuff like you don't have to put up with it like if you have specific needs and they aren't being met it is completely valid to step away from the relationship or indefinitely or until they can do that yeah i think i agree wholeheartedly with megan but if you would like something to be pissed about that doesn't have to do with the affair that he can hear you out on is that he was traveling a

lot during the pandemic and away from this woman i wrote that down and bringing like her juices and all this stuff back into lung juices i should say back into your home and that's what if they won't hear you out about the affair then you can go in on him about that and get angry about that yeah i mean i would say i would have a conversation with your dad yeah i think from what you've said your anger with your mom is towards the fact that like you aren't feeling validated and heard yeah she i don't think your mom is the factor in this no well i think the thing with your mom is like your mom is not validating your emotions and all of that kind of stuff and that is like yeah it's not a mature

thing to do yes like yes this happened to you but like your kid has been affected in all of this and like in an ideal world she would hear you out but i also think in that ideal world where she listens to you and she hears you i don't think it's going to change any she there's nothing she can really say who you really have the like origin of this issue with is with your dad yeah but and going on to what you're saying about your mom too maybe she just doesn't want to live it again live through it again yeah but I mean I think there is a responsibility like as a parent um if that kind of comes in there if your kid is trying to talk to you about something and you just like completely shut it down and like no I'm not going to talk about that like I think I think it

also depends on what you're saying I think if you're like you have to divorce dad like he's the worst and she's like i'm working through this i need you to respect my decisions but at the end of it like i even i think if you had a conversation with your mom like i don't know what i think you're still gonna have these feelings and like like you said i think like she's it sounds like she's kind of working through this and trying to move past it and that is not something that you are involved in and like i don't mean that in like a fucked up kind of way but like that has nothing to do with you what does have to do with you is your dad lying to you and so i think that's who you need to like i mean if you have to ambush him like on like during like when he's like you

know where he is or something or you just are like we're gonna have a conversation right now And I'm not taking no for an answer and have that conversation with him. But I think ahead of time, figure out what you're looking for in this, because when we have like expectations or what we need from people and all of that kind of stuff, it can sometimes feel like, oh, they're shutting us out. They're not doing any of that. And all that is, is them saying, I'm not going to meet your expectations. I'm not going to do that.

And that is not, there's nothing you can say to change my mind. There's nothing you can do. And that is when you cut your losses. At a certain point, if you are trying so hard with them and you are not getting anything back, I think that that is not a relationship or a situation that is fulfilling and healthy and helpful for you. and nor is that like a parental kind of guiding and like nurturing sort of relationship but i don't think that there's anything wrong with cutting family off at all um and again it doesn't have to be permanent and also i don't think there's anything wrong with cutting off family permanently there's like a lot of stigma around that and like this whole like kodak view and concept of like your nuclear family and like blah blah blah blah i don't

buy into that shit um but also like on to go off that too like are you mad because they're not handling it in the way that you want them to handle it or is it the fact that they're simply i mean not simply but it's very complex that they're not taking your feelings into consideration or is it a mixture of both but if it's because they're not handling it the way that you would have handled it or you wanted to handle then you can't hold them at fault for that because they're their own people as well and i would want to know like what feelings what are your feelings like what do you want and what are the things that they're not taking into account with this because you should have never

been involved in the first place and like you were involved and that's like no fault of your own that's your dad but yeah what do you what do you want and what are your feelings about this because i think if you want them to break up or i don't know like is he still with that woman because because it lasted for years yeah and also like was it an open marriage but like not something that your mom was comfortable with you knowing or was it an open marriage with like caveats and like specific things that were outlined in here that like this you know i mean like wasn't this i mean you you did happen to see him buying condoms but for the rest you went digging and found out the information so yeah because i don't think you're buying condoms to bring to brazil

right that was like two she saw the condom buy in 2018 yeah and then like when she noticed that her dad wasn't there during the pandemic because she moved home during the pandemic and she noticed that he wasn't there a lot and so that's when she went snooping in his phone yeah because like what was why did he tell you guys he was gone yeah and then your mom was just okay with it so it sounds like she might have yeah known and she got she might have got upset because now you knew yeah i mean a lot of people have different arrangements in their marriages and all of that kind of stuff and it's not it's not your marriage you can't control what they do or how they react and respond to this kind of stuff um

yeah and i think you also figure out like what if you feel like you're being in the held in the dark like what do you want like what more do you really want to know or is it in your mind he betrayed my mom he's a piece of shit they need to get divorced and like we need to all cut him out and she's not on that same page yeah you also like are totally entitled to to have a relationship with one of your parents and not both mm-hmm would love to get an update on this and no um i think you should talk to chew out your dad for whatever you need to fucking chew him out for and maybe go to family therapy and then you can be on a neutral ground and say what you need to say there

yeah it's pretty hard to get people to go to family therapy if they don't want to yeah but i i think there's like you can talk to your dad and chew him out for like whatever but i maybe honestly though maybe actually maybe the first person you talk to is your mom and you're like this is what like can i be clued in on like what's happening can you like and like from a judgment-free zone from you to like understand more and if that would make you feel better but your goal can't be to get her to be a certain to a certain outcome don't blame them time this is where a listener will call in with their own advice from previous episodes maybe they have personal experience maybe they just love the sound of their own voice

or they have something else to add i'm megan melissa i'm calling in for a don't blame them for season eight, episode seven about the caller whose husband wasn't respecting her boundaries in regards to nipple play. Unfortunately, I had a similar experience with my ex, but with anal sex. And no matter how many times I said I didn't like it or ended up crying because it was too painful, he would ask again and again. And it was easy for me to justify his actions because ultimately, I was saying yes to it but anything less than an enthusiastic yes isn't consent I related so much when you were trying to downplay him disrespecting your boundaries and not telling anyone like I didn't even want to tell my therapist what he was doing because I didn't want her to get the wrong

idea or what I thought was the wrong idea I thought I was just too embarrassed to talk to my friends about anal sex but really deep down I just knew what my friends were going to say and they were going to say how totally not okay it was. After getting out of that relationship, I realized that if you can't say what your partner is doing without polishing up and downplay and omitting stuff, it's not okay. It's not a, oh, you don't know him like I do. Like if you can't tell the full story and it be acceptable, it wasn't acceptable. My heart was breaking when you started talking about how much you hated it because I've totally been there and I felt that resentment growing, but it's such a conflicting emotion because you love them so much. But if

your partner doesn't listen to you explicitly saying the things you don't like, I mean, like they should be able to pick up signals because I don't know about y'all, but I'm loud in bed. So when I go silent, that's a pretty big cue. But anyways, on top of that, if you're outright saying it, that you don't like it, he just simply doesn't care. And that's all there is to it. It wasn't until after I got out of that relationship that I realized how traumatic it was and I had to work through a lot of it in therapy and I'm still working through some of it to be honest but with a partner blatantly disregarding your wishes with something as vulnerable as sex like that's traumatizing. Now that I'm with a new man that fully respects me and checks in with me

during sex to make sure I'm okay and having a good time and he doesn't need to be told more than once that i don't like something it's so amazing you deserve someone that's going to listen to you and respect you because really that should be the bare minimum women really shouldn't have to gloat when they have a man that respects them because that they should all be like that but that's a whole other man anyways love the podcast y'all are the best bye yeah fucking everything gold star gold fucking star i'm not sure if the original caller is in our facebook group but we got a lot of people talking about this in the facebook group which i hope and i think beyond just our reactions but to hear everybody else's to know that like

like the like the um don't blame them caller said like this is you now basically have a group of friends who are telling you like this is wrong like this is not okay and yeah um anything less than enthusiastic yes is not a consent it is not consent yeah so great update i am i hate that this is relatable for people um but i appreciate you calling in and offering that and i hope that the original caller is listening as well and seeing that like once you've come out the other side of that and recognizing um how wrong that is and how that's not like a like a quote-unquote normal part of a relationship and how you can be in a much healthier and better

relationship that is not involved with that so thank you thank you very much for sharing and on that note that is the end of our episode if you enjoyed this episode and you want to call in leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com all the same things apply the beginning 18 or over have your parents permission write everything down keep it right and tight under three minutes practice um let us know your pronouns and if you enjoyed this and you had a great jolly grand old time we would love if you left us a review on the podcast apple podcast store app i was like if you left us a review it brightens our day it makes everything wonderful and fantastic if you

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I was like squeezing my legs i can't i can't oh too fucking funny well anything else no no my presets are out um your birthday's tomorrow go wish me a happy birthday i thought that was in the other episode no this is the second episode okay yeah my birthday's tomorrow everybody go wish me a happy birthday um and yeah we will see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts edited by katrina henning and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso